Ep. 26 - Diamonds and Demons edition 1

Hello, hello, hello, it's your favorite legendary opinionated Amerislaw here at Rich and Hydrated and today we're back after what year or two maybe something of the diamonds and demons episode diamonds and demons edition here with us Kelly Damant. Your name is like seriously boss boss though. It is. I can't give it up. I won't give it up. No. So just a little preface for the watchers new ones and old ones. Kelly and I discussed life. We laugh at leftovers of any kind. We share experiences. Kelly is like on the level of like wisdom. You're like 10 quadruple million ahead of me. And I was like you know what I'm gonna use that today because I like I have a topic today. Let's go. Oh and by the way also public apology. So everybody listen I apologize to Miss Diamond here yesterday already but also a public one. So when we were we were doing weekly episodes then I moved to Montana then I moved to California. Life was like weird chaos and I kept wanting to put it back but I just never did back which is not how I normally operate. This is below my standards. This is unacceptable. So also here another apology. This is not again it's not up to the standard that I would like to be remembered by. So instead of probably having one exact moment every week where maybe we're gonna look per week or whatever but we're gonna be back. Just the farm life creates much more chaos. So again I'm still figuring she'll like that out but what I wanted to talk about and I made a reddit post about this and I shared it like I asked friends to. So you know when you're like so I'm obviously from a chaotic turbulent background and I realized that I don't know how to I'm very good at comp at fighting but I'm not so good at conflict. Like in romantic relationship right because my initial respond is everybody fuck you I'm fucking out and I asked the reddit there's a reddit separated called like ask old people or something. It's really a whole summit. It's one of the few wholesome reddits and I'm like married couples who've been together for a long time. How do you learn how to deal with conflict? And I'm like Kelly with her fucking dream relationship and married. She's gonna have shit to say about this too. Okay. No pressure. No. Okay. Well I would say there's a couple there's a couple of things right. The first is is that when you're whatever the issue is before I even know whatever specific example right. No matter how frustrated you are it isn't because your partner was being malicious. If you start to read malice into everything you will get malice out of everything. Guaranteed right you will see what you want to see. Assume that the person is doing something and they still love you while they do it. Right. Now I'm not saying that for everything I'm sure there are things where it's like okay that's crossing a line that's not okay. This is beyond conflict though at that point right. We're crossing lines of morality baby and sure. But let's put that aside for a second. We're talking about just day-to-day conflict resolution you know he's got a weird habit or like you know he gave reviews. All the women go like why are you breathing so loud. I can hear you chewing. Why? Well you're eating. Well that's pissing me off too. Like I mean great. I mean and I and I get it because like I ovulate and my eggs sometimes pop for me and that's fine. Like I get it. But also when I get like that he knows I'm not being mean spirited right. Like he knows not to read malacent to it either. And so it's like I think going in with that first right that it's like I want to fix it because I love you and I know you love me right. So if that's the underlying like when you go into it whatever it is that's a good place to start. So I'm gonna I'm gonna keep asking questions because I want to go deeper on every point you're gonna make. So how do you and I'm using publicly myself right now as like test test all right. There are things like I know theoretically that malicious intent is not present. I come from an environment that imprinted it in my DNA right. So while I rationally can think it and I'm at a point now where I'm detached enough to not act on the DNA right. It's still very much present. So how do you learn because it's a practice is training like retraining the DNA right. How do you practice when your body saying opponent opponent opponent war war war into like but that's not what you're dealing with right now. Yeah. I think that's it's almost like a conscious effort right where you recognize it in yourself and I will say like I didn't start off rational start it off like you know not coming from where you came from but still kind of having that like for a different reason right. And by the way this is the chaotic circumstances is a whole spectrum right. That could be just like an unregulated mom or dad or whatever right or stress money stress in family learning even learning it as like something that was actually okay and good. I mean just like not even like knowing that that's a comp that's a that's a cope. I didn't even see it as a cope. For me I didn't like something. I was like all right well a I hate fighting and I hate bickering. I won't bicker with anyone like I've that was just like that I grew up with and I was like I don't like it. I don't like what it makes me and I don't like how it makes other people feel around them. I know that because that's how my parents were they'd bicker and I hated bickering and I was like I'm not going to do that with you it's petty and it's it's a pissing match that I'm above that and I really felt like that like I really felt like you know what I'm above all of this you know like there was a guy I dated in college where like he thought he could make me jealous and I said oh I don't fuck with that. I just don't stick around and I just walked out of the room and that was it like I'm not gonna fight you I'm not gonna blow up at you I don't I really don't I just that was it and he's like you're not even trying to make it work and I was like if you're gonna make choices in front of me that tell me that this is not this is how you are then this is what it is and I'm willing to work with that. You show me what I'm working with and then I make a decision and I respond to that and this is my response I feel like I'm being fairly rational because I didn't blow up I'd not get angry I didn't do any of that stuff and I thought I'm the whole fucking grown-up right now you know and I said you know hi hi me you know I'm not like and going on my life I think there is there's certain things worth fighting for there's certain things worth going through it rather than just abandoning right and I I had to learn that I think it was I think it was after my divorce where I said and I was I don't deny that I was right to leave because the man has not changed he's the same guy I left so like whereas I feel like I really kind of grown up from from where I was you I mean you look at Kelly 15 years ago versus Kelly today it is not the same Kelly like it's me personality-wise but it is not me in terms of like in your graduation right sure I'm the same I'm the same species on the same me but I am a more mature me I do I do believe that you know and I've I've regulated a lot you know and just kind of reconciled a lot and in doing so part of that what part of that was me owning my own shortcomings and saying you know what first of all you ignored every run flag that's on you Kelly like right like own that and it's like you know because I'm sitting there I'm like we did say so he does that and it's like it was fault is it for fucking sleeping with that and marrying it like I was fault is that you said yes he didn't rape you and it's like you said kept saying yes and I was like all right fair enough me you know and it was like I think I kind of threw the tantrum with me first right I threw a whole tantrum about my divorce with me like I'm just like that motherfucker and first it was all him right then it was like not really it's me you know like and part of that was just me recognizing hey it's we are not actually compatible like that's real and I recognized it but I recognized it in the most fucked up way possible you know so it's like you know like person you know like when people talk about brutal honesty and they're just like it's not the honesty it's the brutality of it and you could have done better and I'm like yeah I could have done it better I could have done a lot of things differently and better and I didn't I was not well regulated I get that you know and it's like and I got owned that you know and it's like best I can do is be better today right okay there was no reconciling with the ex-husband however I can't I looking forward right the real conversation was you can't just keep treating relationships like tissue paper they're not just like you blow in it and throw it away you're gonna have to be able to find one that you can wash off and reuse each time and keep it you know and like you've got to use something that is more you know reusable and more sustainable and more you know and and you're gonna have to do that work yourself now it's not entirely on me right it's not a hundred percent on me but I got to regulate the part that is you know and so I think part of it is that a you know there is a level of compatibility that I have with my current husband right who is and so there's a lot of stuff that we just don't fight about like there's just there just it it never comes up because it's kind of like we had we're actually different enough to wear like when I think something's important he's like I'm down for it whatever right it's not important to me but if it's important to you we'll do it I don't care either way I'm down I do I wouldn't have thought of that but it's important so you do it and then I'll support you however I can and then there's stuff for him that's like that and I'm like I never thought of it wasn't that important to me but it's it's big for you fine we'll do it I don't I'm not we're not in conflict here like I'm fine we'll we'll just do whatever not a big deal there's a lot of that so it's like we're different but like we kind of complement each other and support each other in that the few places where we're different and like where the differences matter right and where the differences start to you know maybe peak a little bit our areas where it's like here you know it's more it's more like okay I need certain things but here's why it's important right like and so what I'm essentially doing and I feel like you know a lot of people told me that like you you sound like you're you have you feel like you have to justify yourself you shouldn't have to justify yourself to your spouse but I'm like no but I do need to explain it because if they don't see it how the fuck are they gonna know like right and I'm almost like I'm not justified myself like I've never known as woman the fuck right okay and 13 years in this is what I'm doing I'm literally like pleading a case for myself no that's not this is so and that kind of perspective is toxic unto itself right you already tainted it with that feeling of like I'm defensive and I'm like I got I gotta explain myself because otherwise you know he's gonna think this or you know he's clearly too stupid to understand all of that is wrong right so I go in with this I go in with the understanding and part of this learning came from just being a manager at work you're there you learn you see enough people and you meet enough people where it's like you literally do not see the world as I do and I have to and let's like and that hit me really hard as I was at a you know I was I was working at another company where you know the boss was just at odds with me and I was like we really don't see the world the same like it's obvious like it's beyond just little differences like we don't see certain things I am literally standing at a vantage point where I'm you know where I see something and you don't like so okay if that's the case then I need to stop for going in with the with the assumption that he sees what I see but I also have to go in with the assumption that I'm he's not beneath me he has the same intelligence as me and he's perfectly capable of seeing it if I just explain right so and that was something that kind of like those were that was a lesson that kind of came together over time where it was like I had this aha moment where my I had a professor who taught me how to write a paper and he says I want you to pretend that if you dropped your paper in a different department in a math or science department that a person of equal intelligence but in a different discipline could pick it up read it and understand it can you write like that right can you write it so that anybody can understand it if they picked it up and read it because if you're being so esoteric that nobody can pick up what you're saying and and and you're just out there with these concepts you're not gonna be understood and if you're not gonna be understood then all of that intelligence is wasted and all that time is wasted so you might as well just and you're gonna get frustrated and so is the reader by the way right so all of these lessons kind of came together and ultimately I was like that is literally how you have to talk to people they are of equal intelligence they are perfectly capable of seeing what you see and understanding what you understand you are not dealing with a stupid person obviously especially in a relationship why the fuck would I have picked a stupid person right I mean is that what I did no that's not what I did I pick somebody who's actually quite intelligent very smart but we have different views and our different views are going to come and it's going to present itself in conflict so you have equal intelligence and you have no malice right that is something that I think before the conversation even starts it is something that might even though you intellectually know it it would almost make sense to say it out loud and to almost like audibly tell yourself this thing because thinking it is not enough right like if thinking it is not enough then writing it down or saying it out loud or you know or repeating it to yourself and saying that I need to root my mind in this before I have a conversation I need to make sure that my I'm ten toes down on this premise first because if I'm not and I've got one foot out the door or I've got you know I've got this thing I'm not ready to have the conversation yet I'm not ready yet you know and I get it I've been there like I you know there's plenty of reasons why I'm not ready to have a conversation I just got totally pissed off at work I am so not having a heavy conversation about our conflict right now like that is I'm not I mean if you you open that candle worms and you're gonna get you know you're gonna get a very shitty person and I know it so it's like I need to be ready to have the conversation and sometimes that's what it takes you know is it's like I need to I need to kind of ground myself a minute I need to I need to be super prepared you know and I need to do this and it might just be really even going so far as structuring it that way to where it's like I need to say what I need to say and then I need you to hear me and then I need you to have a response but your response needs to needs to say that you heard me even if you don't agree right away I need to know that you heard what I said correctly and that's it takes an extra step but it helps believe it or not to hear somebody say this is what I heard you say is that correct and confirming it because if they heard something different and you keep going it's only gonna get derailed on the other end right so it's like I don't I'm not trying to tell you what to think I'm not trying to put words in your mouth I am literally here trying to pick up what you're lying down and this is what I heard is that correct yes that's correct okay then he's gonna start from the right place and what you're essentially doing is confirming not affirming but confirming that each of you heard what the other said right I get that can sound tedious but at the same time it keeps everything really cool because it doesn't allow you to make insert assumptions and conjecture and and tone or whatever you know or how I think you feel and I'm not reading that in and I'm not putting in extra stuff and fluffing up or you know skewing what you're doing or saying or understanding I am literally getting real feedback from you in real time that says that it's not about exercise it I understand it can sound a bit tedious but if you think about it you know it we're just grown children there's a part of us and the fight-or-flight part is literally a kid that's a kid that's not your adult self your adult self is the one that says I intellectually know that he's not malicious and he loves me that's your adult but your kid's screaming and he's gonna out-shout your adult self right they're gonna out-shout it they're gonna and it's gonna be distracting I mean think about it if a real child was sitting there screaming that would be really distracting in a conversation that you're trying to have as an adult but imagine that happening in your head that's the one that's telling you holy shit holy shit no this is a right you know and panicking the child needs to know that they're hurt and understood and we all have that still inside us I think it's silly to say that grown-ups don't have the same needs as children when in fact those needs never went away you know maybe our vocabulary is not as big maybe our understanding of the abstract is not there maybe our maturity in terms of experiences not there as a kid but the emotional need of a child is the same emotional need as an adult people need to know that they were hurt that they were understood and that somebody is actionably trying to engage them and that it is safe to do so and I don't think that that changes just because you came from a really stable household or because you're now 39 instead of three or whatever I think that's just a lot of window-addressing I think at the end of the day your psyche is still looking to know that it's safe to proceed and that even though I'm upset this person cares enough to hear me and they proved it because they set it back to me so I know they heard me and I know that I'm okay and with each one the the calming will happen and the you know the you know the okay okay by the end of that conversation I think it'll be very amicable and very calm and very peaceful but also fully reconciled because at some point that child will have calmed down and you'll just be having a conversation it won't be that initial I heard you say this I heard you say this etc it'll be a regular it'll be okay it'll take off on its own and be okay but it's like leaving training wheels on for a little bit or your dad holding the back of the bike while you're peddling eventually he let's go but you need to know you're safe first then he sees that you've got the balance he let's go you're still going it's fine you know so it does take a little bit of that but it does take both of you I do believe that too I don't think it's just you sitting there trying to regulate through it and it shouldn't because this is a partnership and I think it meeting you at that space is not unreasonable you know so and on that note so like just reflect again I'm just using myself as test dummy here so my my first relationships were turbulent not malicious but turbulent because we all were in a turbulent environment borderline shady right so everyone's constantly operating on some version of survival bite constantly right not necessarily with each other but there's always tension yeah and I'm talking this is the relationships I'm not even talking about where I'm coming from right home at different level level so then I think like my early 30s I'm like clearly I am the denominator where I think like so I'm choosing the wrong people right yeah based on you know like some some old chemistry or blueprint that you know my body perceives as exciting therefore as something that it record and what calculate of recognizes familiar so we're gonna go for that so then I start okay I literally I need to date something completely else because the familiar does not work right so then I went into the opposite right unfamiliar a whole the completely opposite characteristics personality aesthetic even and I have this because I am showing up right now with this new version of myself I am almost old by God God and I'm meaning universe and I'm not talk Christian skydady right but just like this because I am willing to do the work and I'm making these new choices I am old a reward right and in ending up right ending up in a marriage where I really wanted to do the work where there was a substance abuse right so no matter how much I did like the whole like let's try this endlessly they're you're not dealing with a clear thinking person right and actually that was one of the one of the first few times when I'm like because I'm not dealing with a clear thinking person I cannot expect to be met at the same level as I'm sure would want to be met in this probably is right because this person is not led by his own it's led by something like yeah I always call parasitic demon or whatever right it's like the substance is arson like it's a spirit almost so that like they're going to the other pendulum extreme and now I feel like I'm in the balance right where in a beautiful relationship both people want to figure things out and now my old response become very visible to me right so like so just like a silly so we were having a conversation a debate discussion whatever you want to call it and after that my mind is like angry because I can control that right blame because I can control that all these aspects that I can control at least my mind wants to control because sitting in the right now this is there's some sadness I don't feel understood or heard that's fucking uncomfortable I want to solve that and the control aspects and their blame are very easy right because they are the go outward right like that yeah so recognize them like oh and then then for me this like justification come I don't know what my mind doing this right so my mind is into angry mode everything fucking sucks and now it starts finding more evidence on why everything of course right so now I'm pulling other things that normally in and of itself are annoying but now I'm adding them as evidence so I everyone knows I hate this fucking house I hate this place but now it's like see that's just more evidence that this is not working or the dog we are fucking six dogs right two puppies they go ballistic see this is another evidence that I'm not supposed to be here like it's just and it's not again and I'm making it a point to seeing it out loud and I wrote it out too because I get to see I get to hear how ridiculous it sounds right right and that's needed because I feel that we don't have enough conversations about the inner dialogue growth challenging times old blueprints DNA etc etc right so again I know this is not right I know and but I don't have the new blueprint yet so I'm constantly in this fucking in between where I'm trying to mimic the healthy I don't feel them yet but I know that's the that's the gateway to the healthy right because at one point the healthy becomes the blueprint right and then you know etc evolved evolve right yeah no it sounds like you know what you were doing with the 75 heart right day one was a bullshit like day one one like the first day one was some bullshit I'm sure I mean yeah first two weeks what in the fucking fuck from like fuck Andy Frazella he's the own he's a creator of 75 heart fuck him he's a man he has no ideas women and our fucking cycles and as if like someone made me do this right no you brought it on yourself and then he's out there and like cursed his name the entire time I'm sure I'm like this weather why is it raining I've not one theme that is very prevalent for and I talk about it's all my all the time in my own teaching suit is that there is a particle and it's 100% daddy issues which I think results in authority issues when you don't have had father like myself right and I've and I've got the message very early on that my dad who okay so by the way context my mom was 17 when she got me dad was 53 or 57 or someone he was a rock star he has 11 kids from 11 different wives I have have brothers that are older than my mom but he was always like I never want a new nobara like that was very clear so there's this like boom and I think that daddy wants also what make entrepreneur women really good at money like because it's an external validation but when you don't have a healthy masculine relationship it turns out that so you don't understand that authority can be for you you instantly become anti-government anti-cops anti-teachers anti- anything anti-gots like religion because what do you mean God has my best interest so it instantly for me always translate this God is punishing me and again and while I have a Catholic background I don't associate with Christianity but it always translates and God is punishing me yeah yeah no for sure I think that's you know I've seen that a lot like on the internet I'll see people say you know this is the the universe is conspiring for you the universe is not conspiring for you and I'm just like the universe wants to kill you right like it really does on every level you should be dead because nature wants to kill you yeah it does and universe wants and a universe doesn't care if you live or die because you're never leaving it like you're never gonna leave so it really doesn't care you live or die it's actually quite apathetic towards your living or dying because it just all comes back together anyway so it's like it just is it just is you just exist like you can't destroy matter you can't create matter it's just you're just here and then you're not and then you know and then you're somewhere else you know like ashes ashes whatever right so like I'm like I don't I think you I think you're giving yourself a lot more credit and placing a lot more importance on yourself than the universe will give you and I get it it's it sounds very important but I just want to clarify that maybe if we if things weren't surrounded by so many explanation points and capital letters and bold face underline you know words all the time and perhaps if we just wrote in regular typeface your story would actually seem a lot more you know relatable you know and a lot more human because I think we have a tendency to exaggerate things like you were saying I'm building a case you know and everything's evidence of what I want to see and it's like it is it also doesn't have to be right but it's going to be whatever you make it so it's like however you work the facts and the and the evidence around you it's the case you're building for you in your head so like if you want to justify that you don't belong somewhere there's enough evidence to do that and there always is there always is like yeah even under the best of circumstances that's why you see like I mean I've seen so many tip-tock videos from people sharing them I don't go on tip-tock but like other people have shared these videos where it's like these women are lamenting the fact that they left their husbands for another man and then realize that he was just a really good man and I don't know why he won't take me back or blah blah and I'm just like damn you really made the case and then you know just on that note my little brother he may he shared this statistic with me it's a theory it's like philosophy that it's the 80/20 rule that when your partner has 80% of everything you would ever want that after in certain phases and in certain times you will amplify the 20% to be bigger than it is and then you will see it in others be like oh my god but those 20% is like way more you know attractive all of a sudden until you then getting so you get into like a messy until you realize oh shit I'm just amplifying the 20% yeah just proportionate than it is right yeah and I do believe that from nature our mind is is wired to seek out the danger because in some kind of cave time we needed that right because everything kind of was danger realistically everything was danger yeah so I think there's extreme extreme importance in retraining constantly the mind into seeking evidence to whatever the goal or whatever your dream or whatever the fuck it is right because it's the biology of our mind is against us in that sense just by virtue of living a such more than life and say no that's true and I think you know you don't want to be so you don't want to be so naive that you're impervious to danger when it really is dangerous right and that's the line you're walking is but you know and I think women do this especially just because of who we are in the world and our general history is that you know we're not the same as men and you know and yeah it's 2025 but if you're saying that epigenetically we're you know we're kind of wired to be concerned for our safety because you know that's a real thing then you know we want to make sure that we're not being you know stupid in irresponsible but we also don't want to be so you know so paranoid that we can't have a relationship you know like that can't it can't be that you know because it's like at some point you're going to become like an emotional hypokondriac you never leave the house you always think of something you know or you know and like a agoraphob you never leave the house you know you're just like you know constantly terrified that something bad will happen and yes it will but it doesn't it's not like life or death every type you know giving yourself that ultimatum really does make you feel like oh shit you know like everything is a oh shit moment and it's like well sometimes the consequence is just that he's gonna go off and out for a little bit I'm willing to pay that or I'm gonna go out for a little bit that's not the worst consequence in the world if that's the worst that could happen okay let we'll go off into our separate corners and be pissed for a little bit that's okay you know like no one's dead you know and like I literally say this at work I say this at work all the time I have to tell my team you know we've literally got into advertising because zero lives are on the line zero if I don't if God forbid I miss a deadline no one dies like no one gets hurt no one gets hurt we are so in that middle lane of like there's lawyers who are seriously fighting life and death cases right now right there are doctors putting brains back together and fucking trying to replace a heart and I'm over here wondering whether or not my Facebook average like everybody just needs to be fucking cool okay and I try to regulate it work all the time because I'm just like because everybody gets heightened and they do they get carried away and they think this is the most important shit and it's like it's fine to take your job seriously it's fine to take your feeling seriously it's fine to take your relationship seriously but in the larger context of things no one's dying everyone's cold and we got to just bring it back to that middle lane where we're like going just five miles over the speed limit and cruise control like you know like we got to do that like because because if we don't I mean because then you go back to what you were doing before which is in a constant heightened scenario right in one way or another either you're worried about you know the the you know because you're going to extremes you're gonna be you're gonna constantly live in that space I don't know that yeah and clearly you didn't like it clearly it didn't work so it's like these are not things you want for yourself these are things that are just happening and so there is a matter of going you know to my point about the 75 hard the first two weeks is just holy shit but you you said I'm right now I'm literally faking this shit because I'm so out of shape I'm a fuck you know but that wasn't forever your body caught up you know and it started to work and it started to and it started to help you and you started to see results and then because you decided to chronicle it and keep pictures of it you see it so now you're like oh yeah see and then like if you have you're even if you kept your older clothes you're like yeah these used to be my you know my skinny jeans now they're in my baggy jeans and it's like whatever you know and it's like and I think when it comes to like physical fitness obviously you can see physical results I think because you journal so much I think it's worth reading you know to see how you were on this day when you resolve the conflict versus this day when you resolve the conflict because sometimes if you're working a particular line of effort and action and you committed yourself to it you should still be able to see the results based on what you're holding out you know and it's and it's also what I've also noticed is that like I am in a super aggressive growth mode like I'm trying to triple my business right like I'm again I'm being stretched energetically physically on the fucking farm so I'm doing all these things so it all so I feel like every time you go to a new level old wounds come like they're like all you thought it was done have on the fucker I'm here again a little little little little demon yeah yeah you got rid of me and and then everything comes up again until that that level becomes a norm right and then you kind of like spiral up and mm-hmm yeah no it's it is it is that and I think you know I think it's I feel like it's one of those where it's like yeah everybody has it different like there you know whatever those that demon is you know whether it's insecurity or whether it's like you know wanting to quit because fuck these people or whatever it is I get it you know I get and I think for me it's it's like I get frustrated with the fact that I know that I have there's certain parts of me than parts of my behavior and my and my personality that are very unique to me and I've had to sit down in almost like commit a list that says this is what normal people do and this is you okay normal people do this you're literally like doing the fucking most on some of this that's fine but you need to be cool with the fact that everybody's not gonna do this oh my god can we go into this please because like as a serial entrepreneur who has like hundred extra life right I I get so frustrated when people don't understand what what do you mean you don't understand that I'm gonna have like a 20 million dollar ranch like that's just one time at one time 100xing again like I've done it why would I be able to do it again right and I'm like oh yeah and there and in some cases in some cases it's understandable and it's fine whatever but in other cases it's like if I'm really exceeding you in this way maybe we don't have as much in common as we should right no and this was general this was not for the relationship by the way no no no yeah let's get the 20 million ranch sure no I mean I think but I think like but in terms of ambition right or in terms of like standards when you start to see standards slipping and people aren't and like you realize that a person isn't keeping up with that like it's just like but why though like why why is this hard for you to see like a why is it that hard for you and there's certain things and that I think that's the difference right it's like there's the there's the day to day and there's like critical mass differences right like values or ambitions or like you know like like just your you know your general you know belief system of how you see the what the world is to you I mean these are foundational things and sometimes you know it's like I don't know I've seen it in people not necessarily relationships but like you know people like you know people who are friends or people who are you know like colleagues and you're just like wow philosophically you don't see things as I see it and so like I've talked to people before like it work right just work relationship not marriage or whatever just work relationship and I'll start talking and I'll say I'll say something like you know I'm the way in which I see people is that an open open hand carries more sand you know is the more I try to control it the less sand I keep and the less control I actually have so I've kind of been I've kind of take that approach and I've said that to people and there are some people who are like yeah that makes sense I think that's right you know and then there's some people who are just like no I've got a micromanage everything and I'm just like yeah you're gonna drive yourself that shit doing that but also I need you to not do that to me because like I don't put up with that shit like I'm not getting micromanaged you know so you could just keep that over there you know like I've had you know people where it's like I have to emotionally regulate people that are I'm working with because they get really worked up and pissed off over shit and I'm just like yeah I need you to not be like that you know and it's and sometimes it's just a matter of me saying all right well I'll take care of it don't worry or you know just and I just kind of blow it off because it's just like I'm not addressing I'm not going to even acknowledge that you're getting pissed right now this is so not worth it you can be pissed but I'm not joining you and I'm gonna show you that I'm not joining you you know and it's like and it's like you know when you say I'm going to do this thing right whatever it is I'm gonna hundred X this 10 X is whatever it is I'm gonna do it 75 hard right I'm gonna do it again fuck it I'm on round 12 whatever you know we just keep doing that until you know whatever it's it's like there's no reason to lie about it first of all but second of all like why wouldn't you and why and why couldn't you you know and it's like and when people get like and people like actually if people can't be supportive of it and people can't at least say okay maybe it's not for me but that sounds really cool let's you know I'm kind of eager to see how it goes for you you know I don't know why people can't do that you know how do you not look fucking down because this is one hundred percent so and I'm using enormous so I know I tend to use normies in as in like non entrepreneurs but now I'm gonna use it in the derogatory term how the fuck do you not look down on people who have no dreams no ambition and again ambition if your ambition is to collect all the fucking post-amps you go out of motherfucker you like I'm here for that right like no ambition like I'm actually physically disgusted by it you gotta see like that's like I always thought like and I've called it something else I've I've said you know I've I've kind of come to the feeling that like there's a lack of purpose that people to exhibit or it's just like they're just kind of feel like they're there a sack of meat here and then at some point they're gonna expire and they're just waiting for that to happen but they're also terrified because they have nothing they're afraid to die but then when I ask them why see like I'm not afraid to die right but if but I would have a reason to be afraid to die because there's so many things I still want to do like that I know I want that are on my docket of things to do right and there are people that I know I love and I want to spend more time with them and we had plans like I literally had plans in my book saying I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do this and we have it ready to go and I'm actually working toward those things right so if somebody said you're dying today I would at least lament that piece where it's like I didn't get to the thing that I said I was gonna do in May you know like if I died before your wedding I would be sad that I missed your wedding you know but it's like that I mean that would be a thing like you know but it's not because of not for lack of trying right I what I what I but if you know lightning strikes and I die it is what it is but like but if but in that moment where I know I'm dying I would be like fuck and miss the wedding you know or like I would think that like that would be things that I was like I would miss it I'm not afraid of it but I know that I had things to live for and there were things I was working towards right there are people who aren't like just aren't and you're just like and you're really afraid to die but what life are you leaving behind exactly you haven't done anything you bitch the entire time I've known you you haven't accomplished anything you haven't changed anything all you've done is bitch what are you afraid of you're not leaving anything and so for one it's really one thing that's for me as a as an outsider as a non-American challenging is in America every everything is about purpose and the why in East Europe it's very much because I fucking want to just because I want that experience so why why you want to be fucking rich like in America it's like oh because I want to help the world and you know there's always some there's some grandioseness Kelly is sitting on the floor yes Bobby's asking in the chat there's some grandiose right like there's there's some and and I love America for that right and again for for us in East Europe it's like because I want experience it and I make this joke all the time that I want a 27 million dollar range just so I can say this ain't it after all right I'm like I don't like these problems actually I want other problems yeah different problems maybe 15 15 million problems rather than $7 million dollar range problems but I want to experience it so it's it's but for me it's like when I see people with no ambition I'm like the bad shit or the subpar shit that you have around you will always be available like it will welcome you back with open arms anytime so it's not like you'll lose something by trying something else maybe not even something better just something else like the circumstances your use to will always be there right shitty job will always be there shitty purpose will go to be there shitty friends always be there no money will always be there like it will always be there so I don't understand why people won't try other shit well that's the thing poverty and failure are constants right they don't fluctuate they they exist that is the baseline that is where we start right we start in poverty for born with nothing doesn't matter if your family's rich you're not you know naked your poor you're hungry and you can't do shit for yourself that's how you're born okay like hold your head for four months you can even hold your head up you need to you know and it took your eyebrows muscles to finally fucking lift them off you know like like come on okay that's your that's your that is your starting points of baseline so if you think about it this way like you said there's a constant layer of bullshit always there for you failure is always there poverty always there why because that's the defaults right but opportunity to do something more than that and exceed and build grow whatever those are rather sporadic and you have to sit there and create that opportunity right because the opportunity fairy isn't going to come and sprinkle some fucking dust on you in middle of the night and be like here's a seven million dollar ranch no that's that's not how it goes God I wish right but who's God do I need to fucking you know drive or do something with wing wing to get that happen right so you have to create not only do you have to create the wealth you have to create the opportunity to build the wealth and then you have to recognize when it's ready so that you can bounce on it and jump up from this horrible poverty position in out of it out of where you are or climb your way out of there and build little opportunities on the way up you have to build your own ladder and put your own rungs into it and climb so like imagine if you were given two doll you know two batons and you're just sitting there climbing each one up this hill and you have to do that yourself like that is what you're doing and that's a lot of work it's a lot of responsibility and to be and to be quite honest I think a lot of people feel fear failure and I don't know why because you were already a failure you were born one like I'm like because he sounds like a nominate tricks it's so true right but it's true like it's just like wait you've already failed like that you already know what that tastes like a hundred percent that's like that's that's everybody's life but like can you be an expert at something other than failure like because that would be cool you know because that would be noteworthy that would be exceptional that would be good that would be exciting you know like and you hear the stories all the fucking time there was a story which I loved by the way of this guy from Mexico who came to the United States and was the janitor at Freedolay have you heard the story janitor yes I don't even think he had a high school diploma okay like literally the janitor at Freedolay and the he was you know he was just so happy to have a job and you know the job was decent it paid for what he needed and whatever and he was very a very enthusiastic employee like took pride in everything you did and the CEO or the chief marketing officer or something like that one of the C-suite guys puts out this ad internally to the company you know and this little promo thing hey we're always open to suggestions and we're always looking for new things to do if you've got an idea no one's above a good idea you know anybody can submit right and puts it out there just like an altar call just anybody can do whatever and it was kind of to get people engaged with the company you know it was more for that a little you know a little bit of internal motivation that everybody kind of does a fun thing and what and you know and I think a lot of the American employees kind of saw it that way and they were just like oh it's like a wine shirt day on Friday whatever you know blew it off the janitor was like I have an idea and he went and got these like different spices that he really liked and got somebody at the R&D product area and said can I have a hand like a bag of flavorless Cheetos just the base Cheeto nothing on it give me those before you season okay gives them a bow takes it and starts experimenting with different season season is that he likes brought it in and submitted that as his idea he they they were at least he said this is what Mexicans like we like spice we like flavor we like this this is a good flavor they will sell I promise you because I know I like it I know everybody else buys these spices off the racks it's a good idea and he says that he needed some he needed his wife to translate it and actually write it out for him because he didn't know enough English to do this okay was wife did all the writing and everything built out this explanation and everything and he goes in and he pitches it and they take him in and they make time and he pitches it and they're just like okay let's try it let's see it you know and we've tried it we you know let's do let's do a test market we'll do a test right they did a test it took off that flavor still exists it's like one of the like spicy Cheetos or whatever it is it's one of those flavors he it took off he took off he went from janitor to like the VP of Hispanic product marketing okay the guy went from like an absolute American dream baby but he's done and like there are stories like this all the time all the time only because he answered when when asked that was it and he and he's like I just like this takes literally the only things that happened but he took the time to do it he submitted it and he tried and he put it forward so so let's let's even let's break that one even down right so in the sense like you start start off as a failure then you have to create the opportunity and to have to recognize then you have to jump up to it right so create the opportunity move to America get a job right yeah recognize the opportunity hearing the intercom going like hey everyone if you have an idea jump up to it because it's the right time yep so recognize it's the jumping time execute on it boom and then like you've stacked five things of luck of luck being able to come to you boom of course he did look that's right I mean it is you know it is a matter of you know it's just an intersection of things where it just it works you know and I don't think there's anybody who can at the end of the day there's nobody that can tell you how to do that you know and there's nobody who can say if you just do you know that's one of the reasons why it's like a lot of these these there's like a lot of tutorials that say that they can help you get to a certain place and it's like there's a component in there that is not on your checklist and I know it's not and that is that there's a certain amount of aptitude ethic being able to read a circumstance in a situation and and recognize it as yours you know that that's all like intuitive that's something you have or you don't you know and it's like it's like I tell people when they first start in the industry you know you don't need any experience to be on time that requires absolutely zero skill just so you know like you anybody can be on time so it's like I'm going to hold you to now I'm not going to hold you to knowing everything about the industry I'm going to hold you to to certain a certain ethic that you should already have you should already be punctured you should already come ready to to learn you should already come you know prepared and ready to to work and be able to you know take notes you these are all things you should be able to do that require no experience you know and it's like do you have the effort to do it and it'd be surprised like how many people are not particularly great but they jumped and got the and got and and and and and that's right and they're not that great at it but they're the only ones out there because nobody else is taking the you know I mean I've noticed that a hundred percent I look at that and I was just like how the fuck did this person get that title and I'm like let's just pull a side that maybe she didn't suck dick to get there and she actually was just she just got there right I'm like how the fuck did that happen and you're like you know what I know what fucking happened and then people start to piece the puzzle together it turns out everybody started quitting because the company sucked right so all the good talent left and the only person left standing was this bitch so they promoted her because they didn't want her to leave and there you go and I'm just like holy shit that's how you got promoted you literally got promoted by just waiting yeah yeah well everybody left you just stood there and waited and the opportunity presented itself and you were like okay I mean that we're you know but sometimes it happens like that and it's like there's other people who are like there was a there were people I've seen where they left the industry all together to add industry and they're like I'm gonna go start a YouTube channel with my brother and I'm like for real they're like yeah I'm pretty sure we're gonna be all three my three brought my my two brothers and me are gonna be able to pay our mortgages and retire on this YouTube channel and I was like oh shit send it to me sends me the link it's a story about it's it's a YouTube channel about their aquariums and their fish collection and I'm like what he goes yeah we've monetized it to the point where I can quit now and I was like my fucking god and I was just like literally anything literally anything if you can the odds are you're really noticed far back in the pack as you think you are right the adult industry by the way is such a great example of this because there's like often like TikTok or whatever reaches the normie the vanilla people and they find like a TikTok account who has a hundred thousand followers and just the foot standing on like leaves or like food and that's a crush fetish that's a very big very big thing and it makes it's a huge market so and so I'm like you realize that there's people doing a crush fetish over there and not diminishing because you still have to show up right you still have to make the video of the crushing the foot on food or a leaf or a crispy whatever the fuck you still have to do that but again outside of that that's already your jump right yeah making 10 thousand twenty thousand one hundred thousand dollars and I'm like here you are overthinking your life if you know you have a perfect idea or whatever I'm like okay like you don't have to do that like you really don't I mean fuck you could even look at something and say and I told this to my daughter actually I said this to my daughter because my daughter was like I don't know what I want to do you know at first she was like all about interior design and then she kind of was like no I kind of want to go I want to stay in the golf industry I want to do something and go but I don't want to be a pro golfer right and I was like and she's like you know maybe I'll get into sales and I was like no and she goes well what then and I said I said if you're gonna get into sales you're getting into sales for the sole purpose of finding your business I said you get into the industry to find what your business is gonna be I say your business is not that yes by and by the way I have this theory and it's unbroken for now like this law anyone who gets good at sales will get good at anything and everything in life 100% 100% it does not matter what right get into it but you're not staying there I said do not go in with the intention of saying it that's right you go in there and you learn everything about the industry that you can and you're gonna find something that is lacking and it's absolute bullshit or is insufficiently served and then you're going to break off and go do that that's your job that's your actual job is new is the business you build off of that and I started giving examples I said in every industry there are supplemental companies that exist that prop up these larger ones and you can make an unreal amount of money doing this where it's like you're not actually in the business of making you don't have all the overhead and the risk and the bullshit no I'm just here to supplement this one piece of your business because you're falling apart here I saw it I know it and I can do that piece but I'll do it professionally and I'll do it for everyone and then now I'm just a contractor going around and if I lose one client I don't give a fuck I've got 20 more and I'll find 20 more after that you'll sell it because you've already been in sales but you already know the industry and you know everybody like that is what you're doing I said that is your whole fucking life I said if you do this you're set for life and and one unique thing about selling and I'm just and I have this theory when I was younger and I'm coming back to this law again as I'm learning how to sell is that selling is really about selling it's the because it's becoming okay with the rejection with the showing up with no with the opinions that's what selling is once you get over that again you're fucking untouchable right right well that's the fucking touchable I met a guy who was I think he got in he was in real state for a little bit then he was selling loans he was like a loan officer but he was like the guy who brings in the clients and he was like he was telling I said I don't know how you do it you know at the time I was like I met him and I was like I don't know how you guys do this and and he's just like he says you know what I will dance like a mother fucking monkey because at the end of the day I'm going back to my 5,000 square foot house and my fucking my collection of cars and my golf membership and my beautiful wife and three kids I'll give a fuck he's like I'll do whatever I just don't care I was like you need a certain amount of imperviousness right you need a certain amount of like I couldn't give a fuck just pay me and I'm done like and be cool with that like you know everybody's like he got to be passionate no I don't you just gotta show up and work and work it but this passion is not gonna outdo the feelings that come from having to do like the rejection the disappointment right like no right passion doesn't it doesn't compromise for that no it doesn't not at all it doesn't it will never compensate for like all the the shortcomings of of the job so and that's what I noticed too about any job is like even the one I work I'm like I don't need people to tell me I did a good job I don't need people to say thank you I don't need any of that it's it's it's it's life affirming for me because I already know I did a good job I'm fine you know and I I pat myself on the head and I tell myself I did great I'm like oh I fucking crushed it and if anybody asks me you know what do you think about this I'll be like I fucking crushed it what do you mean I'm fucking great and we know it we know it because I turn my shirt around immediately it's quick it's accurate every time and I know and you know and I know exactly what I'm doing so it's like I know that about me and so I don't need other people to affirm me all the time you know but it's like but it but everybody's like you really like this don't you I said I like being good at things you know in the same way I don't like cleaning a house but I love a clean house you know what I'm saying like I like that my house is clean but I don't like cleaning it but I love a clean house you know I don't love my job I love that I'm good at it you know and so I'm more fixated on the fact that I'm good at something and then I get paid for it you know and that it's really a lot easier for me than the money I'm getting for it but it's but it's like okay it's worth this much to you I'll do it but I think that's the that's where it all kind of comes together though but I didn't mean to do real your question no no no no no this is how this is how it goes and with that note also like we can end up that high so we went from relationship self-awareness um mediocrity failure everyone just a expert failure that that's gonna be the title of this one everyone's an expert everyone's expert at failing it fails to like skills yeah fuck yeah we covered it solved all the world's problems you're welcome once again you're welcome everyone this is rich and hydrated podcast diamonds and demons edition and we'll be here next week again this will be on all the podcasts everyone everything everything I need y'all to share it like comment um see my VMs are always open if you want to be like oh my god but our big opinions should tell me your big opinion is good or bad I'm fucking here for it but yeah we'll be here again diamond thank you so so so much you're welcome my pleasure