Ep. 258 - We Solved Religion

hey we're going it's hey he has to do what he wants yeah he has to do whatever he wants he knew whatever he wants it's the happy birthday to you boy okay nick has this weird thing going on to you where he went through like a second puberty and now he can sing really really well i don't know what happened there was weird we you were together you guys embarrassed we all went to a cabin together last weekend what what what what this was pre-opened drink it pussy it was just drink it really fast wait it was already opened that mystery bottle now now i feel weird this is pre-opened and now he drink it really fast you're making me feel worse about it it's weird that you're not drinking it really fast you're not drinking it really fast you're not drinking it really fast you drink it so fast i don't want to drink it it's your birthday it's really cloudy it's really cloudy drink it fast now okay happy birthday to you boy happy drink boy to you boy it's yummy that's good i hope you like it okay we were we were all at a cabin together it's us it's josh man all of our lovely girlfriends and we are playing a game at this kitchen table Just hits he just intentionally hits a note during the game of Linky. That's the thing is unintentional and in The whole room goes dead silent looks at Nick and we're just like Nick that was amazing Could you sing like that this whole time is for years like when he sings it was like, you know, whatever. Yeah Never Sun Tzu said never show the length of your true power She was just a seven scene as he was doing and then we tried to sign it We tried to be like try to convince him you should go on to to to generally have a gift I think you should start making beats you start making music Wow, then what I didn't know Is I think slime pulled up It was the m2af episode with glaive and they were playing I think power wash simulator and and they were talking about incubus and Nick hits this crazy note in the song drive. I'll actually I'll actually do it I'll see if I can do it like him and Nick goes and then he'd be like, ha ha ha. I can't do it No, you sound good. Ghost is a clip. You sound like you're taunting Middle Eastern music. That is what I was doing. Okay You got me full stop That's fine You guys remember the song Arab money? That was crazy But if you go to that if you go to that clip, I went to Nick I messaged him on discord now I was like, did you really hit that? Yeah, the trill was crazy The vocal controls insane like he's doing it like like breathy but light almost and he's just giving it out on the other show Yes, it's it's like I give you guys my best and then lemonade slam Lemonade gets my slob See I can't even say it right I can't fucking do words This is your best? They give my slob Has he been giving his best the entire time? This is my best Is this my fucking hair like that? It's even fucking worse on the other show It's worse Think about that It's worse I think it's worse Think about that Fuck Dude, that dude That's bad It's bad, you need to work on that I know and he's dropping dick off on the other show Yeah, and that's kind of sweet, right? It's like his little niche like place We have more niche as well Hmm? It's getting smaller It's getting more niche It's getting smaller? Oh yeah, it's struggling It came out of the pool It's shrinking, yeah Is it because Alex doesn't do it and then you have to put a post that says, "Alex didn't make it this time" No, they're not fucking with Elden Ring over there Oh, you're doing Elden Ring I'm surprised they're not fucking with Elden Ring Do they like when the titles exonerate? They like that, that's definitely not part of it And this is all great promo by the way, aren't you? Just put a bounce on Link on there I do like, my favorite part about the show is every month you get the YouTube community post from Alex that says, "Guys, I'm on another trip and I couldn't do this show" He's such a, he is, he just does what he fucking wants He's a mysterious man He does what he wants Why do you want to hold him down? That's his charm I don't want to hold him down That is his charm I love that I don't want to hold me down Speaking of ugly, charming men, can we talk about Josh and his giant blunder? His giant blunder, how did he blunder? We were all at the table Ugly, charming man Josh Yeah, well we had a long conversation about how charming people are sexy according to Nick than I am We had the same conversation We shouldn't dive into it, we shouldn't dive into it No, no, I'm going to say we had the exact same conversation that we had on the podcast but in real life And it was extended, because we had this whole conversation But you added the word sexy Yeah, you just throw it in there I'm trying He just listened to Claro, it's fine Yeah, and she posted that picture, did anyone see it? You can't do that in a restaurant She's in a restaurant, it's inappropriate Can you show me Claro in the restaurant? No, no, not on YouTube You have a girlfriend I don't know what she did in the restaurant What if it was like genuinely like She's got her fucking monkeys out Her chest monkeys She has her two chest monkeys out She's got her fucking jungle gym out And what are they clapping? I'm sure, I will say, probably behind the camera there is a full applause There is probably, yeah, an applause of six or four women Are the chest monkeys clapping? Oh no, they're not clapping They're just being a little scandalous at dinner with a friend or something It's not like Phoebe Burgess, when Phoebe Burgess does a concert And then she's like, by the way, check 'em out Check 'em out, my breasts are out Like, how many times has she done this? And I'm dating Bo Burnham And I'm dating Bo Burnham Those are two facts about me Yeah, so we're at the table And Josh is charming, but really hideous And his girlfriend, unprompted, just goes Who's the biggest lolcow here? Oh my god And everyone's like, aww Everyone slowly looks at Slime Yeah, and I'm like, well, it's probably me It's probably Slime I'm engaging with the question And she's like, no, it's not Slime And then we all look at each other like Even me, I'm like, yeah, no, it probably is me Throw Cutie in there, maybe Cutie can get a piece, I don't know And then she's like, no, like, who laughs the most? And we looked at her like she was an idiot We're like, oh, someone has told you the wrong definition of lolcow And Josh starts jumping in front of the bullet And he's like, guys, this is my fault He basically told his girlfriend He changed the definition of the word lolcow And he's like, no, it just means someone who laughs a lot at things And she felt, she was embarrassed Because all of these people are looking at her The true evil action is that He changed the definition to be someone who laughs And then called her a lolcow Yeah Yeah, like walking her into a rake later That she will be like, I'm a lolcow, everyone And then we'll laugh and be like, really? Yeah Okay It's usually something you say with contempt about yourself You're saying it so happy, it's, yeah It's like saying, yeah, I'm a pedo, I'm the best around children Like I'm really good with children Yes And then you go in a group and go, who's the biggest pedo here? I don't know if I want to be with you You're like, me, me, it's me It's obviously me It's obviously me There was this TikTok a long time ago Where this guy was watching his friend's dog And he trained the dog to, every time he said pedophile To get excited to go on a walk Okay And so every time Or I think it was like his friend's name So it was like, Nate's a pedophile And the dog would start getting excited Kind of what Josh did here Yes We were having like a quintessential like boy and girl trip At one point where the guys are all huddled on the couch playing Street Fighter And the girls are all playing Overcooked It was like a very gender normative Cutie is standing in front of the TV And they are looking at the layout of the level Before starting it And walking through what the strategy is And like it's a real kitchen And Cutie's like, alright, Zipper 3, you're on this Zipper 2, you're on this And then they're like, but what about if we need to move this way And then we're just When girls play Overcooked, it's like Astralis It's like a Game 5 Astralis Guys playing Overcooked are just like, I burnt this shit It's like, fuck it, throw it on, bro Throw it on, like guys, that customer's a bitch Our girlfriends were lined up like students Like students in class And Cutie was like with a big pointer being like So we need to do this here And she ran that shit like the Navy Well, let me say, this was also for any knowers This was Christmas DLC Overcooked Okay Which is a beast of a level And it was also final level of Christmas DLC It sounded extremely stressful And they also, like Astralis, they would share their failures and successes Like one of the girls would be like, I fucked up so fucking bad Not that there was pressure No one's getting mad at each other It's just that there was a true pressure And being like, this one was on me Dude, I will say There was a stressful round where we 'Cause as we're sitting on the couch It's me and Nick getting coached by Ludwig and Sloane They're horse racing us We're getting horse raced Me and Nick, both bad as Street Fighter Playing each other And we're getting instructions from you two while we play And it's starting to heat up But they're heating up in a specific round at the same time Zipper too Just in the middle, cracks She's like, shut up! And it's like, well, I'm a jockey and my horse is not moving right Yeah, yeah, they told us to shut up, that's right Dude, I missed it I was so locked in Yeah once i learned i could once i learned i could lose a lot of it with him only using fireball i was fully a street fighter player i was i was never playing aiden i was just playing the guy who could be throwing fireballs dude it was crazy i'm like telling you how to beat this guy you're doing too much i beat him with only fireballs you come back you're still doing too much it's hard it was it was aiden's ryu versus nick's ken and it was it was us telling them one simple trick that doctors hate and then mine was wake up super yeah and he couldn't do it wake up and he couldn't do it you i you would have won so many rounds if you could do it because he never ever grabbed under your get up yeah and then they started sweeping each other because sweep gave the most like dopamine goons well he he never reactively swept he only went for sweep yeah that's true i could sweep back when you when you block it you can sweep back yeah he didn't hear that no so i got a lot of mileage off that i think that's ken only that's probably good only he was also i think i made him self-conscious how because he started using my fight stick and then he like he left gross sweaty gross hand lines he was sweating so much i know and then i said oh gross sweaty lines and then between every like every knockdown he was wiping he's doing fat guy tuck oh he was doing you were fat tucking your sweaty hands yes he's fat guy tucking his sweaty hands i sweat when i play fighting games does that make you want to play melee yes okay does that make you want to die a little make you embarrassed you want to die kill yourself i don't want to kill myself because you're sweaty hands we all saw and i'm getting mad i'm getting mad because i can't i never played without this stick so i can't jump when i want to jump i can't block when i want to block you don't need to jump i've never done i've been only i can't even block when i want to block no but that's what i'm trying let me i don't i don't know and then i have to keep i have to keep looking down i i feel like i feel like uh a geriatric person typing and because i had to keep looking down at the controller to move my hand in the correct place and then push the right button i would be like okay i want to jump forward and then i'd look down and i'd look down and i'd look down to see if i'm going to hit the right two buttons and then i would do it like three seconds later but of course you suck at the game you lost many times i told him to sweep so we we do we do the friend slop trip you got coerced on this through a bet you made because i beat tyler one did you guys notice what sidebar did you guys notice day one how much fun he had how much fun he had how much fun he was having i was there day one i really had fun i was sitting at the table playing awesome games together he was having so much fun he had fun i wasn't having fun i was stressful as fuck he looked like he was having a stress smile but then we popped off playing linky because we fucking got there yeah because we clutched crazy style linky's a fine game nick jonas dude nick jonas is on it he has diabetes on the box yeah it's it's and it's obvious everyone has diabetes on the box is he the most dogged on guy with diabetes i think he might be the most i think he is is he the most famous person with who is well openly with diabetes because there's probably like yeah there's probably closeted elon musk diabetes havers he has diabetes i'm saying a public diet like we know to have diabetes who's the most famous diabetes i think like an old president had it i think like theodore roosevelt or something nick jonas might be the face of diabetes the ai says that it's nick jonas tom hanks has diabetes never mind wow tom hanks mugs yeah but that's woody i guess we don't know that the question isn't necessarily who's the most type one it's not really who's the most famous person with diabetes who's the most famous person you know to have it i guess you're right i guess i didn't know tom hanks had it till today yes i think nick jonas had it it has been the face of diabetes since we were in middle school he's loud about the diabetes uh he should be a little quieter about it i don't want to see it it's that you can have diabetes i just don't want to see it what do you mean you don't want to see it you know they got all these laws passing and all this shit with the lgb i just don't want to see it if you have diabetes i don't want to see it i just don't want to see it i just don't want to see it all the all the you know don't talk about it with me i feel like it's you know show it don't surprise lgbdq plus the word on the street they're taking out the b's they're taking us out what really they're putting in the d's they're trying to make a type 4 diabetes they're putting in the diabetes and they want your kid to have it yeah type 4 diabetes just crave a cop is there a type 3 no that's type 3 you skip one skip three it's like windows we don't do iphone 9 which one they skip nine oh my god this gets nine i never really thought about it's like the iphone yeah they skip nine do you think there's low key at nine i think it's coming so do you think that like only on like the international space station they got windows nine or something yeah it only runs in like missile silos or something oh some people say windows 8.1 was nine but that's that's for that's another conversation for another time i don't like i don't like when we point five things like i don't like lion king 2.5 or whatever it's a cop out it's like stand stand fucking behind this right now well that's why they're dvds disgusting to me you know i think we should just call it two but okay there was a lot hold up yeah yeah what if no that won't be three but it takes place between one and two oh man so we push it all yeah he's saying he's saying make it two and then make the other one three which would still work oh before after that i think i think this is fair but i think the vehicle in which it's released matters i don't care how they got to the theater ludwig i don't know what that has to do with anything no no no like like if 1.5 is directed dvd but two goes to the film yeah to the screen do you do you not care about the 0.5 don't care at all no we don't do that with video games we don't do it with video games we don't say dark souls 1.5 oh you kind of do but you don't kingdom hearts 385 over two minecraft kingdom hearts 2.5 hd remix is a real game but made by who in part with who japanese fucking fucking disney bro are you seeing it happen in front of your eyes you are blind oh right it's your birthday and you're blind it's your birthday and you're blind i guess you're allowed to be it's your birthday and you're blind you can't see on your birthday i fucking had to open my eyes for the first time you're blind man i i think name someone else who's done it i'm i'm good that isn't disney name anyone do it find it search your mind i what about uh cs 1.6 that's not 1.5 i know but it counts but one point cs 1.5 software does not count this is movies we can't do software i don't think software i got there no i don't think you're mad because it's like because there's probably a cs 1.5 there was counter strike there was a 1.5 that's why there's a 1.6 then they got to a two what no no no now we're at two no so you're saying 1.6 is the prequel to two this is rock solid i mean it's a it's a really interesting point to give him credit this is art but but it also in a lot of ludwig ways like always it betrays the spirit of the idea what's the spirit the spirit of the idea is a middling thing that comes out later between two things he's just saying call it all a solid number there's no reason to have the in-betweens i'm saying there's a reason movies don't need software designations i don't limit myself to mood i do that's why you're weaker i like limits and i like rules and i like weakness i can see you hate weakness no strength i'm no i like we are weak i like to be a weak man i liked inside lewin davis don't bring that shit up it tells me yeah i watched it last night when i brought it up it made him really mad it's interesting because i watched it because he asked me to watch it which is the primary reason i watched it i asked you to watch it two and a half months ago fine fine sidebar pretty good it's yeah that's pretty good it's a pretty good movie i think there's this one scene toward it's like last quarter of the movie where he performs for the fucking la la la you really want to talk about it you're gonna fucking you're gonna fucking spoil it and it hits we aren't a sidebar to be fair but you spoil it for me we can we're a sidebar we can we can turn something i really really like into a big joke and i i don't like it it's not a joke i don't fucking like it and that's why we're talking about it right now because it's a big awesome joke and i got a small little dick i fucking like it so stop so stop fucking making the thing that i begged you on my birthday to do and then you did it later and now it's a joke to make a small little dick and little fucking balls and a fucking little cum cum stuff it's like a little bit like fucking toothpaste so fucking stop i didn't just fucking stop i asked you to fucking talk except my little fucking tiny little penis and it fucking looks like a little tiny little ball of penis yeah it came out like toothpaste i'm fucking so shit to fuck up to fuck up about it either watch it or don't talk to me don't talk about on the show like it's a fucking joke he's got a little tiny fucking penis you took me we didn't film the birthday we went to that restaurant i told that waiter i had leukemia and then i told you to watch the fucking movie and then it took you forever and now you want to talk about it on the focus show i got small little fucking tiny little shit i was thinking about your tiny little shit the whole time up i watched it shit i can't see it so small all right so small get out of here but it comes out like elephant toothpaste do you think we'll ever have a sidebar again normal dude no man sidebars are dead sidebars are fucking gone and fucking dead all right well i did i want to wait i did want to do this in the beginning of the episode but we can do it now show hey come on out oh god oh no he's talking to kelby oh no tell us what i'm talking his ear off probably talking his ear off i want to put you in something lacy what kind of phone do you have like the phone plan no no no the plan does it work like mine Is there the same type of phone? Dakar, India, Denmark. Wah. Samsung? Sugoi, Sugoi. Kelby in Japanese. Yeah, he would speak it so beautifully. I think he would. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, uh, um, Ohio goes I'm awesome. That's you. That's what he would do. This is unironically what you used to do. Well, I would, I would at least try to, to, Kelby, he doesn't say he did this morning. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Like he had an idea and then he says the dumbest shit of all time. And you're like, what the fuck? I was just minding my own business. Don't pretend you didn't do the deep bow though. I didn't do a deep bow. I did like a half deep bow. You, you would go to a 7-Eleven. He makes this joke all the time. I don't do this. It's just what happened. Well, tell me about it. He would go into a 7-Eleven. He would do a deep bow and then someone said it wasn't deep enough. So he'd bring a small rug and then he'd get on his knees. And he'd bow all the way. All the way down to the floor. Yeah. And you could just see the store worker. And I'd just be tugging on it, tugging on the guy's pant leg. Oh boy, oh boy, oh. And they're like, well, that's the wrong way. I don't know what to do. I can't pull over any farther. I already pulled over. Dude, you always, speaking of the Dodgers game really quick, by the way, we went, Ludwig was the most famous guy there. It was crazy. There was a Ludwig line between innings. There was a Ludwig line at the baseball game and they jumbotron him twice. And he was like, oh, jumbo. Well, because you had the, you looked crazy. I looked crazy. He looked like Nami. And you were hot. I messaged him after and I was like, I saw the picture. I messaged him like 2 a.m. I was like, just grow it out, bro. You'd be like, you look so sexy and fucking good. You're bad. Just fucking do it like a Swedish rocker. It's the in-between, bro. It's the in-between that's the problem. So what? I had to get in between for a hair system. You look shitty for a while and then you look awesome. How long could your hair get, do you think? I don't think there's a limit to how long my hair could get. It's a dumb question. What are we talking about? Dude, not everyone. Have you seen the fingernails that go like this? Yeah, but that wouldn't happen to all of us. I think that happens to all of us, Nick. If we didn't trim our fingernails, that happens to all of us. Yeah. I think the ones that the fucking Guinness World Records believe or not. Yeah, and the guy who dreadlocks and he's got the fucking crazy fingers. No, I think that's special. No, no, no, no. I don't think so. The specialness is the extraordinary person to let it go that far. Because that person can't play video games or like hold a spatula, you know? We could do that. And we could have crazy long hair that goes to the floor that we have to fucking pick up. I know I could. Well, mine would be on the side, but it'd be long from the side. True. It'd look crazy. I think because it's not like if your hair is a certain length, your hair is like, no, I'm not going to grow it. Because when you shave your head, your hair grows back. I just feel like you only got so much like sauce. You know what I mean? Like the hair sauce that makes the hair. Like, yeah, we're done now. Like the biological reason you need this, we've run out of it. Okay, but so by that logic then, you would go bald, right? People do go bald. If it stops growing. Yeah, but that's what you're. Talking about. But do you think you're going bald? But like, so is it really, is it a binary where it's like you're either bald or you have infinite hair in that area? I think, yeah. Can you not lessen your ability to have hair in certain areas? I don't think your body is like, oh my God, there's so much of it out there. We're going to stop growing it. No, I don't think it's like that. I think it's more if you have a follicle for long enough, the hair, the hair falls out. So if we're all born, right? No one cuts their hair. That could happen. If we're all born, everyone could. Do we all have the same length hair? Uh, no, no. So, so, so people grow hair differently. Yes. There's a max potential. Yes. That's what I'm saying. But I think, no, I don't think it is what you're saying because I think the max. There's max potential and they can be different. Yours can be lower. Yes. But I think the floor that you could get to is so insane. You're saying the floor is so high, it's negligible. You can definitely get your hair to like here. I'm saying I could get my hair if I really wanted down a fucking neck. Yeah. I'm doubting anyone could, but you're saying there's some sort of physical limit. Well, at the same time, knowing nothing about the human body. So is he. He says, no, I know so much about the body. You said there's a max. There is a max. He did do a physical limit. That's the definition. Well, there, of course, the max is our lifespan. You did. No, he's talking about a length max. Well, not a time max. I think. Are you? Yes. I think there's a length mask. He said that the difference between. He said you're agreeing with him. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I don't want that on me. Take it back. Find your way to disagree. I'll take it back. I'll take it back when you fucking say something that makes some damn sense to me. I think there's a max length that is based off of time span. So that the time you allow the hair to grow and also hair grow, hair grow speed. People don't grow hair at the same speed. So this just has to do with how long we are able to live. Which is my argument. And how fast you grow hair. Sure. He's saying there's some sort of length that the body tells us. I don't agree with that. We can't grow hair anymore. That's what I don't agree with. I disagree as well. I don't think that makes sense. But I think there's a theoretical max indifference at birth, which is what he asked. Because of your hair grow speed. And the life span of yourself. And the life span. But if we both live to 100 at birth. So don't say the word max because it conflates what he's saying with what you're saying. But in your world. He's saying cap. In your world, Ludwig, dream with me for a moment. In your world. We're born and let's say we never die. And look at her. You think you can do what she does? You are such a bitch, by the way. Open your eyes. Reopen your eyes. I love you. Reopen your eyes. You could never be her. Is that Claro? That's Claro. That was what she was doing in the restaurant. That was the Guinness sign. Two people born at the same time never die. Never cut their hair. Their hair lengths will never be the same if one has a higher speed to you. Yes. So they're not like approaching a point. One has more ability. One has less ability. That's what you're saying? Yes. Okay. But you're just disagreeing with the idea that there is a code. I don't think there's a cap. That says no more hair growth. Yes. I do think. That sounds less believable than that. Because what do we say? Now we're just making up rules. You're saying the body knows? Life is crazy, bro. The body knows nothing. We have a height limit. That's the same thing. Well. That is based on gravity. And maybe the argument here is that gravity tells us, hey, no more hair. Gravity. Yeah, but maybe that's. I'm not limiting my argument to saying, but gravity can't be part of it. I'm saying, I just think that's what happens. For whatever reason. I think Aiden had a good point, which is that. We fucking didn't. Fucking Aiden. Oh, the guy who brings his best. What team do you like, Aiden? I wonder. Let me back up his point. Shut up, Croatia. That your hair might get really long and heavy and then fall out. Like your hair follicle. Like your follicle strength. The weight of it says, ah. Yes. I think, you know, you lose hairs all the time. So there's kind of like. You lose hairs all the time. We all lose hairs all the time. You lose more than you're making. We shed some hair. We lose a difference. We shed some hair. I'm on your team. The threshold is red. I love your will. And I'll say this, and this is genuine. I love your willingness to pull it back a lot. Because a lot of times people are like, I don't want to. You say, no, fuck it. Look, bitch. No, I don't like that. Because he only started doing it after the fin. That's right. He's doing the, I got a new tattoo pose. No. Where he's sitting like this. People do this. It's just untrue. People do this, but it's not true. Oh, this is just untrue. He doesn't do it, but people do that. A man who has willingly shaved his head multiple times. I saw a TikTok of a guy, and he was like at this beautiful site in like Ireland Hills, and it's windy, and he's going like this, and the wind's blasting in his face. And everyone knows why he's doing this. Yeah. Because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want the wind to fucking hit him. He's shirt-tugging his hair. He's shirt-tugging his hair, and then he shows the views. Dude, he's beautiful. You look so funny like that. Is that a good look? Samuel, it would be your name. And I'd love you forever. Samuel. You know who fooled the planet Earth for a long, long time? Bless this damn pussy-hound heart. Jesus. Tycuno. Oh. Because I was like, oh, yeah, he's got like a pretty, you know, youthful-looking hairline, but he kept it down a lot. And I was like, well fucking played, masterwork. Have you seen it? Have you seen his forehead? Yeah. Oh, I don't know if I have. Well, yeah, there's that picture, isn't there? Would it be cruel to bring up an image of it on this podcast right here, right now? I don't think as a bald man I can tell you what's cruel. Uh, computer, can you please look up Tycuno Lily haircut? Tycuno Lily haircut? Lily Pichu, back in the day, a long time ago. Cut his hair. Cut his hair. Oh. The smoking gun. Oh, you know what? That third one is good, too. You know? This is, you can see what's going on here. Yeah. And, you know, he put a lot of body into it. He got it done. He got it covered. And it was, it was really, it was kind of an all-time cover-up. And Aiden, I think, if you're looking for some sort of solution here. Yeah. Yeah. Get the Tycuno. You've already got a diaper on. I can't, the picture's not going to show up because the internet's broken now, but. There's no solution necessary. The internet really is broken now, huh? I've conquered. The minimal hair loss I was experiencing. It was, it was, it was an easy battle. So negligible, invisible almost. I was going to say, I didn't even need the drugs. I hardly even remember combating it. That's good. That's good. Because some people never forget. They never forget. They have a mark. Dude, you should shoot like a Patrick Bateman intro to American Psycho scene. It's all hair products. But it's all. It's all derma rolling and like, it's like an assortment of hymns, you know, in a Monday through Saturday. To maintain that hairline. Yeah. There it is. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Thank you, Zipper, for finding it. We've officially entered cruel. Well, I don't think it's cruel. It's just showing what his hairline looked like. And, and I told, I asked the question, would it be cruel? This was in my mind. I didn't know it looked like this. I would have said yes. I'm saying this as a fellow, Bob. I'm saying this to Sykuno. Hymns works. Hymns works. It works. Sometimes. Aiden's been using hers for a year. And it works just as well. And if you use hers, it turns out it's the same. Call it a speedball. Yeah, you just take both. It's crazy. You feel crazy. hey cletus hey you know when we're on the job site i know i'm not dressed in my garb right now but you know what i do hardly recognize you know you know when we head downtown to the stumptown coffee we get some get some coffee for the boys back on the site yeah you always get the kind of the frou-frou sweet coffees and i have been holding that against you quietly but i like going with you i like going with you you know i like even more is they got that little nice square pos system that keeps track of all our points is that the thing i tap my watch to yeah you know you can pay on this thing you can pay on that thing you pay on the watch you can pay on your damn watch you also get the points on the square system guys that's right you can take payments in person online hi i'm a square rep and i love you people i love hanging out with you people this is so fun for me i don't get to interact why you got flowers on your shirt um it's it's made by takashi mirakami a japanese artist what is that japanese artist japanese yeah but i'm really here to talk about square where you can track inventory and sales automatically manage your team and schedule you work at the coffee shop i work no no i work with square and then we work with other businesses to use our services like are you taking order because we gotta get back to the job site and you're going in the register you're taking money out you bring it back to square headquarters i don't i don't touch i don't touch any of the money directly i can't take your coffee i've never seen you at stumptown i don't work at stumptown coffee i've been there what are you doing here on the job site i'm just here to promote square which is let me understand how come when i go to the stumptown on the east side it has the points from stumptown i went to on the west side well because the thing about square is that it helps you earn more money on average 36 percent more uh if you use square and with things like points or or like membership rewards programs you can do that at any of your locations my daddy told me never listen to a man wear strapped pants i can take them off for you look here's the the bottom line for you guys and i hope you guys take this one away if you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools square helps you sell more money and you can get more money and you can get more money manage and grow them without slowing down and right now you can get 200 off square hardware at square.com slash go slash yard that's s-q-u-a-r-e i'm gonna say that again for you s-q-u-a-r-e that's like a hat that you wear on this construction site slash go slash yard run your business smarter with square get started today you're saying this only works at coffee jobs i want you to die i don't know i understand squirt.com go ahead and go on to squirt.com and get whatever you need hey you look you look like a bit more of a sugary fella you know i'm saying you see him he puts oat milk in his coffee what do you think about that oh yeah it even in my workplace that'd be a little homosexual i like this it's like that's squirt.com slash go slash yard i love you guys man you make me laugh he makes me laugh more than anyone else wait the nice weekend making me laugh me and loving molested aiden i heard about this this did happen aiden was sitting there he was honestly he was helpless like he had i don't like i don't like that i was thrown into this well you started you were the first move i'll tell you what i did yeah i just dumped the gatorade the worst thing i saw aiden in his room in front of his queen bed alone alone it was actually a king okay because he got himself the master i didn't indulge i got the master he got him you there was another master yeah well there's one master he got himself the second master me and cutie were on bunk beds mind you no you were not in the bunk bedroom on bunk beds you were not in the bunk bedroom there was a room for little kids and then she couldn't sleep so she would go to the video game room the video game room was a 1000 top bunk because she would be scared she was scared wouldn't i thought she'd be afraid of it wouldn't be scared of it it's worse to be especially with like the weight of wow never mind what okay if ludwig's in the top bunk i'm not in the bottom bunk the weight of ludwig oh it's a lot i see aiden in front of the king and i give him a hug and then i pin him to the fucking bed yeah in an act of love and i hug him yeah what i didn't realize is nick was behind me and then he mounts me i'm out a little bit i start oh cool i start hanging out with him and then i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like helping him molest aiden again not my plan i just wanted to hug him and pin him to the fucking bed i can't move even if i didn't like it i wouldn't be able to move sure i like even if i didn't wait was josh here what did josh do someone was watching but i didn't really know who josh josh walks in oh that's right enters from stage right that's right and begins caressing my arm and hair it's okay it's okay and he said it's okay it's okay it's okay wow and i'm touching what was i doing was i asleep this was when we were downstairs we're going to go on a boy trip oh no it was boy trip no it was boy trip no there was boy trip but i wasn't part of it you were part of boy trip well then oh no yeah it was for boy trip you just weren't down yet i was just weren't down yet and i missed this you missed this i probably would have bared witness and then we did boy trip and then you say i bear witness to this yeah i would have bared witness but i didn't so i don't know what to do with it i don't know what to do with it i don't know what to do with it so i'm crushed by the weight of two grown men one of whom of the two weighs much more than the other significantly significantly more sure which one it's hard to say that's good for the other guy then maybe did you guys imagine your life up there while we were there did you guys i kind of did i not with anyone in the house i imagined i lived in that weird six bedroom like crazy house and i was like what if i lived here alone and played mmos for the rest of my life and it was unironically i think you're awesome from audio oh would he be happy do you think i thought about it i was like i don't think i'd be too happy it's too remote yeah very remote dude it's that place well there's there's you know there's a lot of bears there's a lot of bears i grew up i grew up in a mountain town mountain towns are not fun they're weird worse denny's somehow yeah it was benny's i think benny's beats denny's what are you talking about we were at benny's we were at benny's and and josh is getting laid out in the charming ugly argument yeah yeah so why is it by the way it's the fact that josh is charming but he's ugly extremely ugly it was more so that nick was conflating charming with sexy and we were to combat his argument going it's almost the opposite you might see an ugly person to go they're charming grossly mischaracterized it's disgusting i was like and i won't reopen the conversation you might if you're not if you're unattractive you might be forced to become charming this is our argument because if you're very attractive you you don't have to develop that skill set yes this is common very common idea and and and josh is listening to this part of the argument unfold and he's like i guess i'll kill myself and so then and so then nick who's like kind of getting and it's nine v one he's getting one v nine he's unironically getting one v nine i was one v one but i felt confident i think it's that thing that happens on the podcast where it's you realize one person is sort of on the back foot in the argument and then everybody else starts to tack on for fun they smell like the the argument in reality is really like three people or four people against nick but it's a table of ten well so it results in a literal one v nine at one point i was gonna switch to nick's side then the waitress comes over and she goes who got the giant oreo milkshake and it was nick's lunch oh and i'm like oh my god and oh of course we're making things up they were hashed it wasn't my lunch we were gonna eat dinner right after that no not right after dude i was like i'm not hungry we're gonna eat a big dinner it was 2 p.m dinner was gonna be like seven no no i ended up being it was my meal after breakfast before dinner she sets it down she goes oh my god i forgot she brings out the dinosaur sprinkles yeah let's just get something fucking straight okay guys because i'm a stray i we were we we were on the boat i and i'm on a boat and i'm on a boat has me to have and we we after i was like would it kill us to get some ice cream i wasn't even talking about lunch oh my god shut up sometimes you want cream i know i know what he's gonna say i know he's gonna say wait it's sufferable okay so i you were in the sidebar sidebar no sidebar sidebar i'm back to you there's only one way to break the sidebar you have to talk about your tiny piece of balls i can't hear you he fucking he gets in the boat he's like god wouldn't ice cream be awesome right now he goes up to every person he does this he goes up and then he'll go up to kitty be like holy imagine ice cream with this could this day be any better and then i'll go someone else be like you say you want ice cream he's not looking up a spot we're off the boat we're off the dog we're in the parking lot and he's like he's in the parking lot going like oh it would suck if we got oh i fucking hate if we got ice cream right now this is all play and then cutie eventually he's like i'll look up the spot we can just go to a spot all right sidebar over what are you guys talking about so you wanted ice cream yeah i wanted ice cream i'm walking around being extremely normal about it just really asking people what they would want if they enjoy it with me i'm like i'm going like fuck man she would suck really bad actually some ice cream we all got ice cream it sucks so bad and no literally no one is even looking at me i'm like a homeless guy who's yelling in the subway like people are walking our friends are just walking by it i don't exist and i'm like oh fuck i love the cream right now and cutie gets fed up and she's like yeah let's just go get it and i'm like no no one wants it i don't even want it anymore i don't want it and she's like no we'll go get ice cream i want it mama don't look it up i won't go i won't go okay so she's now looking up ice cream i'm like i don't want it i don't want it so let's not go right which this is confusing it's confusing he's being confusing and and and finally they're like well what if we instead of getting ice cream what if we got food yeah this is his girlfriend no i'm just saying who are you mocking this is a meek weak i won't say who i'm mocking but it was not my fucking fault she's strong and she beat a grave lord nito on this trip on a fucking switch she'd be a pedo oh she did beat nito the pedo you know the pedo is what she calls him a lover of death um and so the lunch was not my suggestion i was a creamer i want to when i arrived to benny's which sounds like a restaurant i'd make up that's denny's but it's not you walk in and it literally is a denny's but yellow is replaced with red it's insane what they did here and the food is the same but a little worse because there's no charm and there is a little fear in your heart at benny's because the town is packed like there is traffic everything we're driving by has a line out the door we get to benny's it's a fucking ghost yeah that's a bad it's a bad omen dude even like the most random coffee shop was like yes 40 people in front of there of course i'm gonna order a milkshake bro that's what i wanted the first place bro this all tracks and i think i'm on his side for the milkshake the other shit sounds insane but the milkshake makes sense it's just hard when you're the charming and sexy guy and then the milkshake comes up that's all i'm saying it is hilarious it makes you less say charming if you unfortunately got timings like it doesn't matter how good of a player you are it was bad timing yeah you just swung window he was right there it is what it is no no i didn't but yeah me and zipper maybe maybe we embezzle the patreon money we embezzle some of the ls money too we live in that big ass crazy house and we just play mmos until we're dead i'll tell you what i could never live there why bro because the fucking drive into that place blows yeah once you drive there you don't have to ever drive that makes you puke did you puke on the way back or pee i peed we saw you get out maybe spewed no i know i just have to go pee pee because i chugged my water and coffee i as a as a california boy i most trips i've gone on i haven't like slept with like the windows open it's so quiet up there it's crazy yeah nature i've never been anywhere that quiet yeah that's what that's what made me wonder if i could live here like in a positive way i didn't realize how much i like quiet i'm so used to like living next to big streets i was there and i was like dude this is exact almost one for one like how can i live here i'm so used to like living next to big streets what's that it's just the japanese thing version of this of quiet it's like no no just of like mountain town with a lake okay like hakuna can you look up hakuna hakuna is just like what is this is this have to do with hakuna mitsu no that's hakuna that's hakuna hakuna this is a hakuna so it's like up a giant mountain and there's a lake and they do all the same shit they have pirate ship tours the only difference i guess is they have own sends man what's that big ass video about hakuna mitsu and they do all the same shit they have pirate ship tours - Yeah. - And so the house rule is no hyperbiting. - No hyperbiting. hyperbiting and the girls love doing it well cutie cutie i think heard the term hyperbiting and then discovered how to do it she started gaming like they do in swiffer commercials she was like and she happened to do the exact inputs for hyperbiting which is wiggling both your fingers and then beat nick and nick and nick loss and nick got mad and he said no hyperbiting which she respected from then on she never hyper bit again i think it's noble though that she she found she discovered she's like found out about wave dashing in her house without youtube zipper two knew about it still hyper bit me it's like that's dirty she found wobbling in her house yes and she started doing it she's like wait you're not able to get out of this zipper two already knew about wobbling it's a while and then wobbled me it's true it's true there's no rules you guys have no rules it's bedlam is it well you guys it was like she looked she's it was me and ludwig last and she hyperbites ludwig forgive me the wind and that's beautiful i mean that's what it's all about we're all on the deck later this is the this is on the fourth of july the fireworks start at like 9 p.m and we're all out there with the girl sitting nice looking at it you're you're painting a picture that it was like awesome this is beautiful and this is what i'm gonna punctuate it with send a picture and over the course of the pull up over the course of the weekend we've been using a phrase a lot w goons yeah that's w or l goons and zipper three whispers in my ear because you guys keep saying this is this is l good it was l good it was l good it was really far away it felt like looking at fireworks on your phone because that's about how big they were to our eye yeah in reality i got some pictures of his zipper can't pull them off and and we had to break down the etymology of the phrase w and l goons during the fireworks as they're going off yeah it was kind of fun to explain all the the machinations behind it because i think we had a really solid i think we could be teachers really i i think we 100 we really well educated uh your girlfriend on what this all means and why she's like what it's about masturbating it's like she was too caught up in the masturbating yeah it's like it's not no it moves past that right like you know you could have a big stack of pancakes and you're hungry some of the fireworks this looks crazy that one's kind of beautiful yeah they were really just pure bokeh i like that one and they went on for 30 minutes and this is the it was a great while and viewer while you're looking at these beautiful fireworks imagine you're hearing in the background and you're like oh my god this is so cool oh my god this is so cool this is so cool this is so cool this is so cool this is so cool so l it's no it's not really to do with masturbating it's more of a proverbial masturbation but you can use it for masturbating yes of course and that was that was our cap on the 250th anniversary can we tell of this great of this great can we tell the fart story a fart story we tell the fart story you can't dude you can't i mean it's you gate this right you gate we'll anonymize it okay i'm gonna tell it i'm gonna tell it anonymously so someone who i've been sleeping with recently has been taking iron supplements and iron supplements what they can do is increase your ferritin w but also make you more constipated l l l and this person i've been sleeping with who i'm not gonna name has been taking enough iron that they get constipated over a course of days like two three sometimes four days and then you know that's a lot of poop oh it's a lot of poop oh it's got nowhere to go and where do you fart and i'll fill it out if you guys don't know fart comes from poop yep it's not like fart except for his for some reason mine comes from the sky it goes through your body that gets stinkier when it passes poop poop makes the fart and so i guess this person i don't know i don't want to name them but had created such a evil fart that when they let it out at bedtime when we were sleeping together yeah i it i it was the i had to leave the room it was the worst part i've ever smelled but you tried to power through it right because you've been sleeping with this person for however long yeah like i've been sleeping with them so i don't want them to feel bad oh is there a dead rat somewhere i feel like dead rats it's like i try to play it cool but it just wasn't it wasn't viable really so yeah it just wasn't a viable strat to stay because i so you climb down from the top bunk it's creaking uh-huh hot air rises yeah so i get out of there and i leave for like 10 15 minutes and then and then this person i'm assuming actually starts feeling bad comes to get me i think it was a good it's a coast clear and what i found out is it's never gonna be clear no it's it's gonna live there yeah it's sat it's gotten into the cracks it lives with us now and then but then i but i told you guys in the car i told you in privacy sorry it's not she it's a gender neutral they told us this brought it up later they brought it up actually under their own accord it was a very also during the fireworks fireworks and then the issue is you guys shitty you didn't play it cool i said i said what this is the first i'm hearing of this which is natural thing to say oh my god never used it yeah i said something like there's no way this has happened that i have not been described what has happened at all in a car before i've never heard something like this from your body then you fucking sold me out and now this person who i've been sleeping with is fucking was fucking fuming and hits me now yeah she immediately like real she put it all together so fast they together really anyone yeah put it together really quickly that we all knew yeah the voice didn't help me bro it's funny because it's such a it's such a like random story that like one time you farted so bad your boyfriend left the room that for her to bring it up and then like us already know it i would immediately be like what else did you fucking tell them it can't be that i randomly hit the one embarrassing fucking thing right like what else could you possibly have told them yeah like we were all in like a story circle well you know why it's because ludwig needed to tell somebody yeah you know he didn't he couldn't sit with this yeah it was it happened to him you don't come back from war and keep the experience yourself yeah you go to a group you talk in a circle and you get really drunk how does a therapist handle that question actually i'm actually asking like how would like if you went to a therapist session one you're like so what's been on your mind like why do you consider therapy it's like well my girlfriend farts so disgustingly i leave the room i want her to stop how does that make you feel when she does that it's gross i want to throw up how have you tried like a dog on the floor have you tried talking to her about it um yeah i told her the fart smells like poop and what did she say after you said it smells like shit i can't poop i'm trying i can't poop and i'm like we're just poop because i think she's not trying hard enough do you think this is a yeah i think if i was if i had to poop i would because that's all i've always done so you think she's not trying hard enough and does that maybe frustrate you i didn't even know she could poop but now i have to know because she farts and it smells like it well i'm a therapist and i'm a woman do you think i can poop are you coming on to me that's inappropriate i'm paying for your service and then we have sex yes wow yeah nick's good at therapy wow i'm really charming therapy one but actually like is that something that you could actually think in a relationship you could tell a girl you need to work on your poops i mean could you guys muster that up no because i think i think poop is something that the party pooping cares more about so you'd ask her to leave the room to fart that's more fair that's more fair yeah but like i think ultimately like it it's like something that they're working on you know what i mean i think i just i harass her about it like i i embarrass her for her poop related problems yeah if she make it feel bad i say i say you're rotting you you you have something rotting on the inside of you make it stop make it stop because it's bothering why are you rotten and does this affect you as a person dude cutie did come through with the fucking the the fruity pebble rice krispies it hit like crap weren't those fucking crazies she came through she like rolled up the bags like half baked and there's a bunch of joints in it yeah but it was just muddy buddies and like and awesome snacks and i was like and josh is like i've never had those and i give him one he's like oh it's fruit loops and i'm like no it's such a backwards it's not fruit idiot fucking free pebbles you weird bitch it's stupid yeah they're different she does make awesome fucking snacks and now i'm a fucking idiot i'm a fucking idiot i'm a fucking idiot i'm a fucking 190 pounds and i'm getting called fat again no i yeah no one said that bro you guys call me fat like eight times this episode hold on i felt it when you were on top of me see i lived the 190 i felt the 190 would you put not even 190 by the way i lied about that it's 189.6 210 you're really you're getting up there again 189.6 not even 190 depends on the scale at that point right like somewhere yeah that's just a calibration i'm probably gonna read like 188.7 calibrated i'm calibrated bro you squashed me down with it is the point i felt i lived it cletus yeah you know when you're on the job site instruction site that you work on all the time and you just forget lunch again forget to eat forget i'll get six hours in my tummy starts roblox ain't that just the worst yes well i hired these two cities sometimes it's so loud cody says he can hear it because he says he can hear it with the headphones on yeah that's amazing hello we're two metros you sexuals from the city i hired them to come help us figure out how to eat on the job site because i can't figure it out what do you know about the job my name's genevieve and i'm here to help you guys even that's uh my name's carlos that's carlos and Genevieve I don't even know how you two know each other well we're here we're here and we know each other actually from a bar it's uh it's a it's a bar called the Abbey we met and uh yeah we were just socializing there we had a really good time socializing as beer I love it so yeah yeah maybe you should come you'd like it a lot okay but I am more hungry let's talk about that for a moment you guys are on the construction site you're working really hard and you know maybe you're scared a giant piano's gonna fall on your head and turn you into accordion where you work is a dangerous place and it's dangerous and you know what else is dangerous being hungry all the time which is why we've developed this product called Huel now what we both did that's this product right here what we both did is we formulated this please let me take this away boys I cannot imagine it has enough protein of what I require to work the job I require a lot of protein on the job side gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen you're gonna get 35 grams of protein you're gonna get 27 essential vitamins and minerals yeah it's a complete meal it's under five dollars a meal it's gluten-free if you can get back actually we shouldn't never mind never mind it has it's it's a complete meal gluten-free it's it's don't don't worry about that but my son is celiac he would love that oh that's perfect let's keep moving on the black edition powder is probably my favorite uh it's easy it's ready to drink it's the same high protein but you can add fruit maybe nut butter some eye you can really change the flavor profile of Huel you said Genevieve Genevieve that's my name Genevieve I met her in Montreal one year Huel brings us together in that way Genevieve that's my name Genevieve I met her in Montreal one year we could all get energized and hang out for long periods of time I don't know I think I might need to wait for some sort of limited time offer because I don't know if I can sell out for this I'm a sucker for sales we have a limited time offer right now if you get Huel today today only you have an exclusive offer 15% off online with code yard 15 at huel.com slash yard 15 new customers only you guys haven't been customers before I've never been a customer that's perfect you go to this website it's a thing that happens on your phone or the computer and then you order the Huel it comes to your house and then you'll be as energetic as we are Cletus think fast god damn that's Huel that's how quickly you can get it ready to eat oh this would be I could just hold this on the job site is this my phone or my computer thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show anyway I'm gonna I decided we don't know when but I'm gonna trap you all in a room oh I love this idea we're gonna we have an idea it's called it's called um I don't know what it's called not a name but it's called Huel I'm not a name guy yeah I'm not a name guy we're trying to peel the skin off of Mr. Beast before he realizes that we've sedated him just a bit by bit that's what it's called but the content of it's very different we're gonna go all five of us playing Counter-Strike 2 in a room that we're all locked in but you guys are allowed to leave and until until I hit a goal I don't know what the goal is yet though yeah I think 16k maybe suggest a goal because he was saying 16k Elo which would be difficult for you but like is that interesting it's a bet I have do you know so do you know about this bet no I made a bet with Squeaks Leslie and Ray Squeaks was to hit face at level 10 and then Leslie Ray and I all have to hit 16k before the end of the year if we don't then we have to do a 24-hour stream and the people who did hit 16k get all the proceeds from it what are their ranks Leslie and Ray what are the ranks I think Leslie right now is oh after the big scamming I think oh so here's what happened so and you might be thinking oh it's cheating if you do a five sec it's not they've all been cheating it's not they've all been cheating it's not they've all been cheating it's not they've all been five sacking and initially there are five stacking with a pro on like a smurf account silent silent and it was a bot smurf account it was purchased and and they hit they hit crazy ranks like like I think Ray at one point was like 15.5k Ray was a couple games away yes and then goes to bed wakes up and then the game's like you're unranked she's like what the fuck that account that he bought got banned yeah and all of a sudden he's like what the fuck all the elo gain from those games really fucking funny just like it's like guys that like award shows will pull the tablecloth but all the shit just came down with it it's just whoops the video of that asian guy who does that trick but always hides his penis with the thing that stays on the table but he shows he reveals his penis to a group of women for the first time yeah it's it's like that so there's a scamming and and then she's now at like I don't know I want to say like 10 five maybe and leslie's similar like 10 they think they're like 11 leslie's below 10 she's below 10 how much more below 10 like nine probably nine okay mine isn't worth then but I was gonna say your goal rank could be the combination of both their ranks I think kind of funny I think just the 16k keep it sweet like that's the goal and I think it's gonna be hard because everyone will be on their mains right so the goal is to be the second best member of f slur it's not the second best member it's to just hit the 16k goal okay because everyone could feel like they're theoretically hit it but it it's like a relatively hard goal to hit who's our fifth yeah that's a big question I was about to think I think it makes it more exciting if we make it joshman oh my god bro no no no no no why no no no no no if you guys don't know josh has been playing counter-strike he's a melee player he doesn't get it it's it's the first time he's been bad at a game in my knowing of him not not just bad josh was beating us in street fighter he's like you know he's got he's got a lot of hours in that game but counter-strike he's bad in a way that's like really crazy he's just he's never played a shooter before so he is just starting from the most square one square one you know how when like you watch videos of goats being born and they just get shit out and they're like trying to walk and shit and they fall over that's josh on mirage with his crosshair he's always looking at some that's his opponent and he's missing yeah that is also his opponent or sometimes to be fair it's a goat that has like cybernetic armor and it's flying around yeah sometimes it's just a man with a shotgun yeah but josh man is I mean it's so it's us five we're all trapped we got a fucking week to grind get me to 16k and we yeah we'll have to carry josh up as well carrying josh that does make it interesting because nick and aiden are good in a way that makes it skewed toward climbing we're the same and josh is like this dirty little what's that face I don't make a face you made a little face and he said you're the same you made a face what's your win rate look like what did you say what's your win rate look like I'm not I'm not sure I'm not sure is it under 50 percent what you're getting upset it I'm not that's something you heard something I did you made a face when I said we're the same wait you say what and then josh is someone who we're the same and josh is a bit lower I agree with all this the faith the fifth player up for debate we'll discuss it I think we'll discuss it I and I think I don't but I don't think nick and aiden make it easier they make it harder we make it make harder opponents appear yes I think because of the way this game does matchmaking which is the worst horrendous matchmaking that has ever existed in a competitive popular video game ever uh it will make it it makes it harder yes because it'll be balanced around but your elos tank tremendously it doesn't matter I don't know if it matters for like they hit their hidden mmr oh because you're hitting mmr I think the issue is that it generally when you queue with five stacks of high disparity it leans the opponents towards the higher end of your group so like it'll be I think that adds up I think it's better than leaning it towards the low end of the group well I will argue that the the point disparity that you may earn which people care about because you're playing for points is weighted towards like if you have a josh man on your team you stand to make seven million points yeah and usually the other guy is a solo queue guy who's like what the fuck and it is it is a bit of terrorism when you queue into you queue into our stack and you have the plus 100 minus 600 game yeah and it's like why are you doing this to me it's like why are you doing this to me and it's because josh is just standing there like a pickman going I honestly I'm fully convinced it's random because I've seen the plus minus I've seen no correlation I've had games where like I'm the highest rank by a lot in the lobby like it's just I'm I'm the only person here and we're like in a stack and they're all everyone on the team is like below fucking 14 somehow and it's like yeah you win 500 points if you win that sure well surely it's not like they have some algorithm like it's like you figure it out maybe that's part of their goal maybe don't be fucking figure so this is our five our five stack to get you to 16k I think I had too much and then oh and then I'm not done we get a giant bed like the one in Willy Wonka we all sleep on the bed at night it's huge yeah and and then we wake up and then every day it changes whose purse whose job it is to make breakfast we all hey we all wear sleeping caps and gowns we all wear sleeping caps and gowns and then you there's like it's like okay Nick's Monday Nick has to wake up Monday morning he has to make breakfast I like this I'm Wednesday yeah he'll be a little spoon and the spots in the bed are assigned you can't switch spots I like that too wait why does Aiden's spot have a stain it's just his spot no one else should be there oops why is there a giant tower five guys on are they molesting him there's a there's a scene in Harold and Kumar 2 when they escape from Guantanamo Bay it's not a great movie it's not but it has boobs it has it has boobs and it has this really great moment where this guy there being interrogated and this guy who's interrogating him takes a dictionary and wipes his ass with it and there's like a shit stain it's a gross shit it's like side character he's like why is your ass so dirty don't you wipe and i think about it all the time and i thought about it just then it is crazy there was shit all ready to go it's a real question it was like a cartoonishly large amount of shit i'm so glad you know you have like a memory of this movie so clearly yeah i know i watched it a lot to jerk off but then also for the jokes yeah w goons at the time w it was w and then cal penn went and worked for obama after getting his character uh his character killed himself on house so he had to work for obama it's all crazy it's true it's all crazy he was a good actor too yeah but they just had him kill himself what do you think of um what do you think what's your reward for getting there it's just you don't have to do it anymore and yay or is it like a thing well the reward is that i don't have to do the 24-hour stream yeah and then i could also get paid from their 24-hour streams can you get us like a really dope sponsorship from like fucking mcdonald's and we can just get dirty sodas fucking piling in and then we can just get a really dope sponsorship from like fucking mcdonald's and nick discovered dirty sodas and he's getting a little addicted they're good man i wouldn't say i'm getting addicted he bro go to i had one in big bear go to mormon country and find the fuck out i would love to go to swig and drink everything they have what is swig is there look up swig is that i can imagine it's some sort of soda chain it's a dirty soda crazy that is literally what it is the old-fashioned way yes yeah and they're making that shit the old-fashioned way yeah the bear the populace idea is that gen z is so adverse to uh drinking and drugs that but sugar has become the new drug so now you get the dragon do or the founder i need this i know you would i'm telling you you would love diet coke sf coconut fresh lime plus coconut cream yeah can you scroll i want to see more flames beach babe buttery beer that looks so sweet yeah this fucks me i think they're using the same picture over and over again why yeah they are because you can't drink coffee if you're drinking it because of the caffeine sugars and fruits bitch it's uh it's hot it's hot beverages because it's hot it's specific carve out a specifically hot beverages caffeine if i heat up soda can they not drink it anymore you'd probably be fine but maybe someone be strict enough to not touch it what about an iced coffee no that's not hot what the fuck are we doing because coffee's hot what even if it's ice it's hot no it's not what if i and soda's cold what if i make it hot it's cold what if i just go fucking cold okay don't say soda's fucking hot that's making sense i get that soda's cold it's cold even if you heat it up it's cold have the technology i think to make a tea without the water ever getting hot i bet yeah you can cold steep a tea yeah but still so can you do hot well i i understand now wait is cold brew allowed no no coffee's hot coffee's hot yeah i get i i got coffee is filed into just always hot yeah coffee's hot if i heat up a soda again if i heat up a soda again if i heat up a soda if i just heated it up so it's cold do you understand but i can make it hot sure yeah but it's cold yeah but it's cold i get it i get it too you get it you can make a cold thing hot but it's still cold yeah you can eat soup well that's hot that's awesome caffeine in it doesn't have anything to do with it caffeine has everything to do how are you not following hot and caffeine is the problem oh my god wait so so if i put caffeine in the soup yeah they can't eat it anymore that's interesting let's talk about that if i if i take if i crush a caffeine pill into soup can can they eat it or is it like intentional like are you drugging them are you no no no they know they're i'm just asking i i season it with a little bit of caffeine no no you wouldn't be able to you wouldn't be able to it's hot and caffeine i think this is against the rules yeah because imagine a new drink came out and it was a hot drink with caffeine but the the the base was soup and we called it flirt warm milk to go to sleep yeah that's fine that's fine there's no caffeine yeah dude caffeine is you're missing the caffeine every time why does the caffeine not matter in the soda it's cold energy drinks energy red bull totally fine coldest drinks they love they love it that's fine is this true are you serious yeah drinks are almost as cold as beer yes it's like almost as cold as beer i'm what was it did you see him look at the monk fruit red bull edition hot drinks are not for the body or belly says smith's brother hiram guess i got a butt chug oh this is i have a question do mormons hate hate the chinese uh-huh this is a good question no not to your knowledge i think the mormons caught hope to spread the gospel to china but i feel like they this they would they love the chinese there'd be an ad there'd be a dislike of things in chinese culture due to this there was an ld i think i think that's fine i think that i think the mormon love the chinese because there's so many of them and that's so many people guys guys mormon lesson a hymnographer an lds missionary hymnographer joel h johnson 1881 he and joseph this shared this interpretation i understand that some of the people are excusing themselves and using tea and coffee because the lord only said hot drinks in the revelation of the word of wisdom tea and coffee tea and coffee are what the lord meant when he said hot drinks it's funny that the lord is saying hot you didn't have red bull yet they didn't have red bull you think if he's making that in 2026 he's like ah this is a giant wikipedia article this is very contested it wouldn't matter because red bull's cold and in here and here look the lds church leaders have no official position well it's hot drinks no but it does have something to do with it if i if i give you a piping hot chicken noodle soup that's in a cup with caffeine in it you can consume it yeah that's fine if you're mormon i think that's fine okay but but i think i think it would be weird but not not uh what do you call it uh a sin i think as a as a as a person like because most people would be like why is there caffeine in it they would be the same what's my morning soup oh but that would be weird you know let's go to church now you know how they can't like you're not supposed to watch rated r movies yeah it's like is was was joseph smith did he know about the mpaa when he wrote that shit i hope i would hope so or or how some games are rated e10 lovely chocolate chocolate milk hot or cold chocolate milk is hot and chocolate milk to you that is so interesting are you that is so interesting are you an fr chocolate milk's hot yeah hot chocolate milk is hot you can't drink chocolate milk you drink hot chocolate there's no caffeine we just established that caffeine has nothing to do with that it's a vibe it's a vibe you don't fucking get it you don't get it you're lost this is making me think we need a new religion we need a new religion we need a new religion we need a new religion that is tuned for the modern person that has that includes shit like gooning on instagram and and and fucking dirty sodas and drone strikes and shit like you know like one that joseph smith still wants a lot of wives for sure but also says no reels okay let's invent a religion right now okay no rule one many wives you want many yeah you have infinite wives can i can i can i add rule two rule two only one wife on only one wife i get i like this because you only really have one i like this and they can have as many husbands as they want no no no no no all of your wives can except for your one wife uh the one wife the one can only have one husband the one wife and it's capital o capital w the one wife can have one husband but the rest of the wives can have as many husbands as they want okay and you can have as many as wives as you want and and not a one yes and then the same version a woman in this religion can have as many husbands so if you're in the second the one husband you're in the second cast of wives let's say you could have four five six husbands but yes now okay so we invented marriage but all the other all the other wives yeah they can only have me as their husband all the wives can have infinite husbands and all the ones what is the one why this is like a famous cousin thing this is like every wife can have nick because because you don't think because you can have infinite wives you can only have one wife you know yeah and so no i i said yeah but i meant no you can have as many wives you want but you can only have one wife i get no i'm with you there i get that one wife i get that the one wife is your and you can't have what are her perms huh what does she granted what do you do one wifery loyalty she's also your only she has to get perks though right if you're gonna go one because one wife one wife is giving up her right to plethora is a she might plethora of my bottom b wait to be clear one wife can have as many husbands as she wants i thought you had to be no i thought the one wife that's what i was confused about because you said that the one wife can have as many husbands as she wants otherwise you're going to have one husband the one husband you only have one i see one the one husband yes she can have many husbands she only have one husband this is i understand this is really just an open relationship with a primary partner yeah whatever you want to call it i don't want to see it that helps right whatever you learn in china do i have to hide my one wife or my tier wives uh what do you mean hide you don't know nothing in this relationship we don't hide things from god do we no because we can't third rule yep um if you choose xbox you can never have playstation and if you choose playstation you can never have xbox you choose one for life and if i have a week and it's and it's a ceremony that happens at age 11 i was gonna say yeah it's like a bar mitzvah it's like a fun like yeah what about what about step on the console you don't want what about switch kids they're like the outcasts of society But what that means, what you're actually saying is you can have a switch and still make your decision later. which makes switch the more flexible option which is bad well i guess switch you could have as a console before the age of 11 you can be like a six-year-old with the switch here's the question can you withhold your decision before age after age 11 no i think it could be like you have to do it it could be like confirmation in catholicism sometimes you do it in eighth grade sometimes you do it in 12th no it's 11 okay it's 11 i'm fine with it this is our religion we make the rules fourth rule no hot drinks on cold days no cold drinks on hot days i actually want to add an to this rule it's an amendment it's for what even is that an amendment for me i would like to amend it i would like to say you you can only drink whatever we're sponsored by that year we but the church is sponsored by that year the church has a marketing yes i think the church is you know beholden to their sponsors wants to be a good partner in the relationship and because of that you know it's a huel year the church should be able to make tax-free profits off of its sponsors the church enjoys tax-exempt status and that's just the truth uh i have a rule rule five uh thursday is dvd night i like this okay we like this hey he's put up with a lot here and we should give him this i think that's fine and so is dvd night every household watches a dvd or is there one showing that everyone goes to their town or does everyone have their own copy of the one dvd no no no no it's not a cult it's not a cult it's not a cult i'm not trying to say anything sponsored awesome religion and no it's not a one dvd you could go to a showing on dvd night you could stay in you know you have flexibility but it just must be on it's important that you have a dvd night is it but is it where what is the venue is it a movie theater it could be outside in the park you could watch heat it could be inside at home okay question question if you watch it at the park and someone's using amazon prime video is that all right no that's not dvd no you know what i'm changing it you have to watch heat on dvd yeah okay i was about to ask you if it was if it had to be heat most of the time dvd every thursday i got head at heat on dvd night and you know and for like like youth center like you do it on thursday night it's like you know we'll go rock climbing we'll do a little prayer and watch heat dvd night i like that it's a community gathering building i think no short form video at all it's just banned banned like hot drink yeah like hot drink i think our religion should be about not banning things but incorporating things the more we ban the more those kids before 11 are gonna get mad at the playstation how about this we akin to the nene challenge you can watch shorts but if anyone sees you you die i like this if anyone catches you you're dead even if one of your wives it could be it could be your fucking it could be your dog your dog could watch it except the one wife oh you can't watch the one wife is pure the one wife is sacred wait the one wife i can watch does that mean we have to watch together or i can watch my i can watch my one wife watch you and her can watch your own shorts uh you can watch her shorts you can she can watch your shorts you can watch separately but i cannot get the other wives involved no no no presumably not their husbands well the thing is if they catch you they kill you they kill you and there's actually a ceremony the gun the ceremonial gun can i have a one husband that was my next question the one husband have a one husband not if they have a one wife so it just needs to be my one i don't think that's kind of conflict i have to have a one yeah you have to have a one you can have a one husband if you want you can have one wife you can't have a one wife and a one husband okay we were born sexually dimorphic but in this religion we can do whatever we want but it has to be one i think this is fair i feel like we need a place to meet wait but can wives have can wives have one wives what would we call our we should like what would we call our get in front of that before you don't like that i think we should get in front of that i don't know they can have one wise okay oh i'm not voting yeah we call it three to one i i wanna i wanna i'm voting on this i mean we are vending the religion we can vote on things and he he was talking about one wife one wife situation he doesn't want are you i just want are you with or against me i'm with you're with me no don't know so now it's a tie what does the religion do for time i'm sorry religion needs a rule for time i'm sorry was that not to be supposed to be with him it doesn't matter it's what you want i can't change my vote no you can't of course not it's would be sacrosanct can i change my vote to your side yes you know i said that genuinely i didn't even consider it breaks my rule yeah sacrosanct i just wanted it i wanted you on my side what's our temple i think we need a temple and i think we should take over every single denny's magnolia the mall magnolia is where like the pope lives we're in the back of every best body every magnolia becomes our church grounds every every magnolia has a cardinal and every magnolia now sells heat on dvd yeah there's like all the tvs and plays and non-religious people walk in they're like why is it always heat 20 tvs all playing different parts of heat yeah okay we need a name names oh we need a name i was thinking about that names are tough uh it could be the church of blank it could be the name is the hard part you know what new parishioners new new people of our religion please what would you call it we offload the effort to you now we also need a poll we need a poll a poll yeah so like usually at least in abrahamic religions they have a god and their god is an awesome god he is are we trying to are we trying to suck the teat of the abrahamic religion yes are we going with god oh we call the deity god that governs us are we we could slot into abraham we could just use god if we want to be lazy no i i don't think that's very fun i think it's well the other alternative is you do the scientology route but then it's like you know let's just do like buzz lightyear what if like what if like we're convinced liam is christ reborn then we're still god yeah but it's like there is a human reincarnate and he walks earth with us and he streams oh no i kind of like this like going the route of we're abrahamic we're just adding a new prophet and liam is that's fair the prophet okay so it's god but how about this how about instead of like because the thing with liam is liam is a tough one we need god because we're not going to sell this thing without god it's never worth we have god having a deeply involved discussion with a with a muslim and i'm talking about how muhammad had so many great things to say but liam is the one true liam is the true prophet you don't want the prophet to be liam what is that what we want i think if the prophet is known it is bad it was foretold i think you should say that it was foretold the prophet came back and he loves the movie heat and that's why that's how he learned english spread the movie heat everywhere because we need the profit on dvd thursdays we all so thursday is our sunday it's a great fucking movie thursday like a pacino thursday is our sunday yes thursday is our sunday and it's almost a group effort to find this prophet got a great ass oh man what what emotive eyes i love religion now yeah i've never seen heat really bro i'm gonna watch it this thursday i still haven't seen it i know we're goofing and gaffing but do you imagine how much fun they had writing christianity oh bro like it's elden ring christianity is for people's accounts of the life of jesus yeah except for a guy who bought it except for genesis that's not christianity i don't care or know the difference i don't know or care all right i only know that cain and abel are in binding of isaac that's true and they are also were two brothers one who killed the other i think joseph smith's the best example of this right because he just got to rip it yeah joseph smith i think is a good example because he ripped it not based off anything but his own visions joseph smith i feel like he was just like a chris angel type that we bought more heavily he didn't do magic he just wrote i think we believed he was magic i can go in the forest and see these scrolls and only i can read them that's magic yeah yeah yeah but it's not like underwear but not like magic like you know you when you do miracles i've played the jesus game he does the miracles maybe our guys shin limb dude that honestly how about we just have a contract with shin limb yeah and he does magic for our religion he does magic for anyone who asks like forever if you ask him he has to book you but only it's like i'm coming in 30 years but i you were in the book i feel like you should be a hedonist a hedonist a hedonist that's good for the heat vibe we're going for the name of a religion memory i'm a hedonist yeah that's already a word not hedonist i see hedonist he found that i don't like centralizing it too much around heat it's just a part of it it's a fun part of it but it's the word you have to centralize the religion no i he he is the word but there's so much more to it yeah i guess they did come with mormon where did mormon come from wait what's our stance on hot drinks did we do we agree on mine well i don't like i didn't like your rule i said no hot drinks on cold days no cold drinks on hot days why would we have that rule because it's a hot day you indulge it's hotter we get hotter stuff i like being stanceless i'm gonna i want to be hotter when it's cold i drink i'm gonna start using a cold drink i'd like to vote no i know i like nick's rule and i say thank you it's a good rule instead of it being ambiguous like it is in lds i you want it to be concrete i feel like it just it's purely temp and also can i say it's not ambiguous in lds it's very straightforward it's extremely vague ask a single question we answered all of them i put hot soup in a thermos and i can drink that yeah that's fine kill yourself enjoy the soup enjoy the soup have a good meal the guy the guy looking for in the yard search engine like hot thermos kill yourself wow wow they have done a lot of episodes you know it's an interesting demographic breakdown often when we talk about religion you know how when we talk about sports reddit tends to pipe up and they get mad and it's like okay fine but the people who get mad about us not knowing about religion happens mostly in the patreon comments that makes sense because they're rich because they're rich and god is blessed those willing to donate to the church which is kind of us to them yeah think about that shit oh all of our patreon is tax exempt by the way uh we're at our time but if you guys didn't know by the time they listen to this episode it will be five years of the yard it will also be thursday five it will be or wednesday wednesday is true the real july 8th was our first episode uh no wow no it's july 8th i put a marker in my calendar yep so right now what you were doing five years ago because it's been five years of us doing this shit oh my bmi was lower oh yeah yeah i look crazier skinnier oh you look so skinty i was scared i was on raw and now you look like jack black we watched a short of jack black's body and we were just in awe and it looked like that not even ugly or anything it was just like a goron he does he fills out the among us costume uh but yeah it's been five years of the yard a suck it from the back and you know the drill pay for it if you want more you're gonna pay for it we're gonna make you pay for it pay for it it's tax exempt now drop your favorite moment below maybe if you already answer the other thing we asked for we're asking for a lot we want you to engage today because it's your day as well and it's also ludwig's birthday show hey show come on bro come on