Ep 256: Fiona Cauley

Hey, hey, we're here. We're back. We might be drunk. Oh, what's up, dude? Oh, boy long day, but hey, we're here. We're queer. What do you have at a pot earlier the baby? I'm teaching him how to swim really? So I got to get up early and get him to the Y He's loving it. You're not gonna be able to case the anthem. No, whatever I'm trying to Whitney Houston him. Yeah, no dice. That's you're taking the baby to the Y that's so New York. I love that Oh, yeah, it's just me and a couple Indian ladies just flash it away Dude Yeah, shit. I we rescheduled this because I was sick as fuck. I I wasn't even like ever sick in Vegas No, I get sick after Vegas. It sucks to be sick in Vegas because I'm at the Venetian. You're like it's not It's just every step is a reminder that everyone is like having fun except you Yes, and I'm trying to like be ready for the show it's still to the show obviously, but I'm walking around I'm like, well, I'm like maybe at the food court. There's like a ramen place I mean like blast this out of me. Yeah, but then you're like you're looking around you're like what the fuck am I? Because these casinos are designed to make you lost that's true. No windows no clocks nothing So like you're so fucked up and you're like I don't have my senses from the you know cold quite as high and then you're like I could play some black Jack. No Like fuck. I'm sick of the table. I yeah fuck me another hand. Oh, that's great But it's like it's also like It's crazy everyone in Vegas. They don't live there But like everyone Vegas is kind of a little heavy sure unless they're the you know the hot people right and but like the locals kind of heavy But a lot of walking in those hotels. That's true You feel it when you when your legs are dragging you down from a little cold action. That's true Yeah, you get the fattest people in the world and the hottest people in one place. I never thought about that I'll tell you another thing I noticed in the Walgreens the The condoms are locked up and the meds are not That says everything about Vegas. Yes. Well, I mean, it's like hey I couldn't work on them. They're locked up Yeah, but I can take my volume Fucking crazy. Yeah, but Vegas. It's not for me. I get it. It's cool. Yeah, it's fun That thing is I love it for like two nights a year. Yeah, exactly. That's that's why it's sucked to be sick for my trip this year Exactly because I for two nights. You're like, yeah, it's fun. It's this great. Oh, yeah I mean the hangover nailed it swingers nailed it, but yes, it I guess I think grown up in New Orleans like those party towns I'm like Ah, get me out of here. But New Orleans is a party town with more culture definitely there's some cool culture in Vegas like in the history but not like the cold like the history not culture the rap pack Oh like the bugsy seagull shit the flamingo like still there like that shit's cool to me like yeah the old-timey Like him just owning everybody money him like selling off like four He's like you own 400% of the flamingo to some games. Yeah, they fucking whacked him. My dad always says Vegas when the mob ran it was better That's what they all say sure not good for the bugs. You don't fuck up. Yeah, exactly. You're counting cards. You don't you're like The Jewish mob too. Really? Well, yeah, Bugsie Ben Seagull. Oh, yeah, Myrlansky Jew. Ah Myrl they were boys they grew up together in New York. Wow, and then Myrlansky like He didn't want to get killed, but it's like a certain point when the whole fucking when everyone's like this guy's a liability They kill him. Yeah, you get a mo green shoot him in the eye. Oh green. That's a good death. Oh, yeah It's all fucking Pacino's eyes. You're staring at him. I know. I know great shot Yeah, I got the I V the whole Shabang. Whoa So did you link up with no one? Yeah, yeah, did you have a lunch or a set? I was in my room just trying to sleep it off But oh no, we hung before and after the show That's one thing about Vegas. You do the casino. They treat you good that room is insane insane. I there was an elliptical in my room Oh my god, this must have been the shit in like 1989 Fucking some fucking so Dean Martin on the fucking thing with the cigarette in his mouth. Yeah Vegas is great, but it's always a little dated. You know, you're like, huh big screen TV that's sitting on the floor It's like those TVs that like enter out of the fucking table and you're like damn This was like architectural digest 91. I know and good luck finding a USB. Oh Vegas hotel because that's a pump they have all USBs and I'm like no one has this charger anymore. Oh, yeah Yeah, it's always a little behind one behind one behind. Yeah, but uh, you know, it is great and it's like the you know You're walking around you're like money. You're like oh, yeah, money is nothing to people here. No, no, it's such a I hear tourism is down there Yeah, but it is one of those things you're walking around you're like, oh, yeah, that's like eight dollars for a fuck I get like a liquid IV pack and they're like eight dollars. I'm like yeah, that makes sense. I know you're like sure Why not you're basically living in an airport everything is like three times the price not only that but the Walgreens is basically a liquor store Yeah, it's supposed to be like a pharmacy. It's supposed to like have stuff for like health But it's literally all just like a like Seagrams fucking Jack. That's your name. Well, I did parks casino in Ben Salem PA not bragging. Yeah, and the guy goes hey if you guys want to go to dinner after let me know I got you so I was like great so me and my opener went to dinner. I get the bill. It's like 500 bucks I was like what the hell I thought he's I thought he said he's like I made a reservation for gotcha He got me he got me Vegas. I actually did have a credit. So that was nice the credits nice although you also like you never know How much I know I wonder if it's heard in Vegas that casinos are just everywhere now Oh, he used to be kind of special let you go. We'll go to Vegas. Yeah, still the bright lights the strip is still kind of cool And then you're like Reno's like the fucking oh, you know messed up cousin sure. I would say Casinos everywhere and your phone. You got gambling in your pocket. That's true. So sports book You should be like oh my god. I can bet on the ponies. I got a UFC fight. I got a football game And now it's like all draft kicks. You used to have a guy. I'm gonna call my guy Yes, and he would break your leg. That was sopranos. We're bistics. You have the sports book Yeah, right and now it's like yeah, I literally that's how I bet Yeah, on my phone. Everything. It's like Netflix. It all came to our house Everything good fucking Uber eats. It's all at home now. You have to go out and more isolated, right? I know Amazon You used to have to go get uh we're out of Cat food now. You just boop boop. You go to a movie now. You feel like you're going to the library You're like contributing to the you know the culture. I know it. I'll jerk off it either But yeah, it's true It's all at the house. It's no wonder kids aren't meeting up Yeah But yeah, yeah, but yeah, that's got through it Got through a flight back. You're like once you land you like thank god. I know I can just I can just crash out But that flight's no joke either. You're like I don't fly back. You're like ah five hours and 44 minutes The flight back's not bad. The flight there. It's like it's always longer going to the west coast It's like it's like five and a half hours. I was like this is just like L.A. I know, but you gain time at least you gain time But when you come back, you're like ah lost three hours. Oh, yeah, you leave it 11 a.m. You're like you land like nine Yeah, crazy. Oh Oh she here. Oh boy. What are these people show up early if you know what I mean? Gotta get parking um Yeah, I was in Huntsville and Hattiesburg Damn, all right. Are they are they close? Not really about a six hour five hour drive. Do you drove? We drove and split it up slept in Birmingham then drove three hours and that makes sense. That's the way to do it Yeah, but boy these are root and do agent and do you any favors with that rowdy? That's crazy I know there's not much down there that Alabama Mississippi. It's it's tough marketing. Yeah Um or tough markets and woof man. We got heckled. We got really yeah Yeah, I was tap dancing up there. My parents came out to the show was brutal really. Oh, yeah, there's a long weekend What what do they think of the show? Well, my friend while my my retard college friend showed up as well So I told my friend I was like keep an eye on my parents. Let me know what they laugh at just keep an eye on him And he goes you got it. I see I love the fisting material Weird. I see him after the show. I go so give it to me. What would they laugh at? He goes They didn't laugh once and then I did a Charlie Kirk joke. My dad all he said was Oh boy Holy reaction. I got out of them the whole Whole show so good times. Yeah, I one time had my therapist when I did the beacon my therapist set behind my mom And I was like give me the scoop. Yes, of course. He did. He was like, yeah, she did not love The facial chunk and I was like, well, who's the story? It's a story Also therapist behind the mom at your show is like that's a session in itself. He could learn a lot there Oh, yeah, what she laughs at what she hates what she likes. That was Hattiesburg Well, we did Huntsville. That was rough. Yeah, and then we did Hattiesburg. That one was the Von Braun. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, the The museum there. Yeah, the the Nazi. Yeah, it's the weirdest mishmash of Good old boys kind of ghetto black and autistic Nassapoe. All these great engineers, right? Exactly. Good cost to live in down there. Very cheap. They have a pop a shot at the Von Braun museum That's how you know they're like these people don't like museums. Yeah, like throwing a basketball game. Well, fucker Let's get some Pac-Man in here too. Right. It's like those startups that throw a foosball table in you're like this is still a job What are we doing here? So yeah, so Huntsville they came to Huntsville they came to Hattiesburg It's two hours from New Orleans. Where is Hattiesburg? Mississippi. That's right. Holy shit. I don't think I've ever performed in Mississippi Oh, really? I don't think I'd love to I just haven't done it Well, I saw George Carlin and Baluxy when I was a kid remember this and oh man, did he get heck he fucking yelled at everybody and I was like This is so I'm bad. I was memory being embarrassed for the south because I'm a southerner so I was like This we got George Carlin here and he died like you know a little later Brutal he was like you fucking consider value toothless geocle piece of shit Damn and that's the only time I saw him perform damn. Yeah, I never got the same. Yeah, yeah, such a legend man I know but that's how I felt up there Yeah, I chew out my parents you don't laugh at shit. Yeah fucking room. Well you getting heckled who are they just kind of tight? Huntsville heckled like crazy, and then I think Mississippi, you know, I got what are they heckling they're just yelling shit like Yeah, you know fuck up. Hey you blow me. You know shit like that. I had to throw one guy out I mean it got bad and it's crazy when you have to throw someone out like I was in the comedy store in L.A And this lady just wouldn't stop and I'm pretty nice like I don't want to throw anyone out cuz I'm like, ah, you know They're they may be that dumb that they don't really. Yeah, so I'm just like, hey, you know, let's let's try without that You know, I was being pretty cool and afterwards everyone's like you were way too nice to that. I was like lady, you know Yeah, why don't you fuck up like eight bits in a row? Yeah, cuz you're ruining the show for everybody exactly, but yeah, she was like Just a piss drunk older lady with her friend who yeah, it's like come on That's the thing so one guy just wouldn't stop. We'd throw him out We get a DM later while we're on the highway and they're like that guy wouldn't shut up at the show He's in a headlock at a bar where the bouncer's like taser him that it was satisfying. It was very sad He was just blacked out the whole night So who are these guys getting blacked out for a comedy show like oh, I'm gonna listen to this guy talk about Uber and get trashed People that don't know how to drink cuz yeah cuz they're going out They want a pregame like you remember that age when you're like we're gonna pregame But there's always that one friend who couldn't fucking the duck Phillips of the group the guy you can't handle the fucking booze I've been that guy I've been that guy too, but like at a certain age you got it It's you hopefully a young guy right when I see an older person. I'm like you're 57 and you don't know Yeah, you didn't get the science down at this point. I know there's nothing sad Isn't that cuz it's like you know when it's young guy like all right? He's still kind of figuring it out. Yeah, when I see a fucking tray of long island ice tea is I'm like pick a fucking real spirit like an adult Yes, no real drinker drinks that shit. No, the shots guy. I'm like dude. It's 4.30 you're doing shots, but enough about DeRosa Jesus Christ the shots guy at every fucking I've just got to row some million times, but he's like he like he looks forward to a funeral so you can't back out to Charlie Right, but either shots guy come on like I'm trying I'm in it for the night. Yeah, so I'm trying to pace myself I like like exactly I like going out just getting fucking sauce and you know downtown But I want to like you know ride it out a little ride out have a cocktail then maybe like a straight whiskey Then maybe a beer mix it up and maybe remember it in the morning. You know, you don't want to wake up with your asshole bleeding on the sidewalk You're like, oh, was that fun your while it's gone the whole asshole bleeding on the sidewalk. I'm gonna say no Yeah, wasn't a good night. I don't know she flipped dude. Did you watch that? Yeah, I love it. It's incredible It's incredible. You know, it's amazing about that documentary is the scene where he and his dad beat Michael Jordan Yeah, two on one how crazy is it and you're like dude if if you were doing crack with Charlie Sheen and he told you that story You'd be like shut the fuck up, but they have the footage. That's great like dude. Yeah, dude You beat Michael Jordan with Martin Sheen. Yeah, smoke some more this shit. Right. Yeah, the fucking Martin Sheen deserves a A good medal of honor until except for the fact that they were doing nudity in the house Yeah, let it slide. I think my dad don't know you dad did that. Yeah. Well, he would sleep nude That's different walk. I don't want to go in the kitchen and see my dad's hog sure if I'm going in for candlelobe I don't want to see a fucking cucumber, you know what I mean? No, it's fucking disgusting I I think parents that practice nudity it is like a just underchild abuse to me. Hmm. It's fucking weird It's definitely scarring. I have to see your parents naked. I can pick my dad's cock out of a lineup in a second I could too, which is weird, but crazy balls on him too But Charlie Sheen's got like a horse you up at his he's got like a magic to him like he hit that home run right outside of rehab I know I love his friends like he was like a movie. I'm like what movie? What movie the guy just comes out of rehab and it's a home run in a meaningless game and you're like and seen yeah But then the big drug dealer fat guy was like I've never seen a guy do that much crack my life He should be dead. That was insane. No, it's got something not only that but He fucking the guy's like bragging that he weaned him off the drugs So you just took his money and sold him shit your diluted drugs I didn't think about the same money and he acted like a hero meanwhile this guy's living in a nice home And he clearly only had one client Charlie Sheen bought you that fucking home. That's true. That's true body got him off So I was the only way to do it. I mean look it is good that he's still alive But holy shit like those lives like those nights. Oh my god must have been him and Nicholas Cage must have been quite the duo Yeah, but just him on the tea when he's doing the tea and he's working out I mean it was a psycho it's a crazy a guy who's that drugged up and you're like it's got a better body than me I know he looked amazing this guy's ripped and how about Denise Richards Walking in on the hookers and she's like I'll make sandwiches. She's a saint. She's a saint. Oh my god And I had the biggest crush on her growing up. I thought she was like the hottest woman ever so cute wild things. Oh Yeah, great body I should put that my god so beautiful at some reason though like she's like an accent now Do you notice that? Yeah, she got a little white trash. You got a little Italian. Yeah. Yeah, that's true But she made sandwiches for a hooker. I'll marry her dude. That was insane. I was like how bad must you feel? Because like think about how much we feel like shit after like coming off, you know a hangover and we don't even do bad shit You just feel shame. Yeah, you're this age and you you do this to your body. Think about the shame come down Your wife shows up man that scene. She was fucking hot Jesus burned into my brain That shame come down where you're like she's making the women. I just bang sandwiches. I know that cool and I blew it I blew it. Yeah, and that hot and that young Amazing and then then she had the nerve to be like they weren't great sandwiches. Okay. I'm like You're fine. I need to find a woman like this. You're off the hook. You think the hooker is a PBJ? Come on. Get it together. Hellman's fuck you So yeah, could did she ever get naked in a movie? Yeah, wild things dude. I'll pull that up. I can wild things. What else? Oh my god There's naked and other stuff too, I think so much hotter than Nev Campbell. Who's also not that? Nev candle nambles hot too though, dude. Sure. She just wasn't as hot in that movie They made her look weird in that movie, but do she super hot and like scream? Oh, that's true. That's true. Oh My god, are those real? Yeah, I don't know. It's got to be weird to be Charlie Sheen and see that Matt Dylan scene Well, they weren't together yet at that point. Were they probably not probably not But it's weird to be with someone and there's just footage of that I was like, we all can imagine our ex fucking someone else sure. It's all I think about But rarely do we have the footage. Yeah, yeah, that's true What's that Not really what that was like a PG 13 move. Yeah, but it's like that. It's not No, we sound like real fucking losers right now like technically. It wasn't nudity Sam intern for mr. Skyn Undercover brother kind of underrated sure good movie funny ass movie Eddie Griffin Chappelle Yeah, you'll Patrick Harris. Right. That's a low-key funny movie. By the way, mr. Skyn. He's like a horse saddle maker You know, he's like man back in my day I made a lot of money and then I got you know technology came in and pushed me out. Oh What are we doing here? She's yeah, look at the the champagne on the titties. Oh my god All right, all right, we can only really do that in a hotel room You don't want to make a mess of your own home good point Yeah, that movie we watch wild things. It doesn't make a ton of sense It's a kind of just a fun trash. You know bill Murray bill Murray's randomly in it It is weird to mix your jacking off and then like a comedian shows up Yeah, I didn't sign up for this right not what he harils and Kevin Bacon. Yeah, you see a little Kevin Bacon hog in that decent hog on bacon. Yeah, not bad for Kira Sedwick Well done job. Can we get can we get Kevin Bacon on here? I feel like that guy's got stories and he feels like it be a fun hang I love that oh Everyone's got a band I know dog star That's a Kiano Man, I love Yeah, I would love to get Kevin Bacon on here love everything what a career what a career cut loose kick off your Sunday shoes Yeah, he's a he's six degrees I've Kevin Bacon I wonder if there's like a new guy that is now because that was like that was like a long time Yeah, that's true. We need a new six degree Probably gonna be Pedro Pascal You law, I feel like he's in something with everyone. Yeah, sure. I don't know. There he is boy. Oh boy What is he in the band with the bill from Bill and Ted? Oh Got it Yeah, dude now that she and thing was it was it was Stressing me out. It stresses me out to see someone do that to themselves even though you know that he's alive He pulled it off. It's also crazy that that part where he goes. I was relieved. It was HIV. I know Because he was doing that much damage to his body that he just assumed it was like cancer or something Mm-hmm, and he's like people can live on HIV and I'm like that It's so fucked up to be grateful that it's that I know also people are suing him because he's they're like you fuck me without a condom You piece of shit and we still like him Like, can you imagine giving someone HIV or like yeah, but he's awesome. They omitted a lot. They omitted a lot and and I mean, he's laughing. He's surviving. It's also crazy talking about just like getting blown by this woman while smoking crack your first time. Yeah And then he's like she died and you know that's fucking crazy like he's just like a casual thing It's like yeah, you hate to see that. I'm like, yeah, dude like true. What the fuck? Yeah, that's drug addict stories right there totally He's just so damn charming He is charming. He's so charming. Yeah, just when you want to get mad at him, you're like, that shot's part dude. It's pretty good Pretty good. Yeah, and then he would walk on the set of a two and a half man, and they're all like, uh, here comes a Co-Kid crack kid Charlie, and he's like, I brought donuts and I like he's alright. He would like him He would fucking yeah cuz you hear John cry or talking about him like, you know, he Look, people have many sides of them sure, but I would be pretty fucking annoyed if my livelihood depended on a dude Who is that fucking of course damaged of course, it's also his dad and brother don't want to be in the doc I know that does say it with their like we've we've had enough and how about the wedding speech at the second wedding with his dad He goes, hope you know what you're doing. Wow, I better get a huge laugh. I'm sure it did. Yeah, damn that woman was nutty You could you could see it in her eyes, which is a drug addict. Yeah, I mean she look rough You could see I mean shit. I mean those old pictures are holy. Oh beautiful lady, but you could just tell even from the the footage on the interview You're like this gal's off. You don't get out of her relationship with Charlie unscathed. No, no you leave and you know I remember he was sober for years and he found her doing Coke in a bathroom and he goes Let me show you how to not waste it or say something like that and then they he was back on the wagon Something some cheap women who aren't doing I know that's all the story tells the story where he he goes to like he's like me and C. Tom is how or both dating this woman I'm like all right like fucking hilarious. There's always like a connection of someone from the 80s, right? But it'll be me and Rob Lowe are both banging this chick. Yeah, he shows up and She's at like a scary dealers play. Yeah, he goes and gets a gun out of his trunk. I'm like this isn't a fucking movie. I know I know but that's she and he pulled everything off He did stick the landing minus the HIV and he was so charming that they would be like what about the HIV? I got through that. What about when they said you raped Corey. Hey, he's like silly. What else you got like he just kept He was sleeping like Corey. Hey, that was a big rumor and He was slipping it like bush with the shoe Remember the shoe Bob and we yeah Charlie sheen man, what a fucking life what alive and he ain't done yet There you go. It was a big loss. Yeah, I hope he gets a good cool role But that yeah, they did gloss over the fact that he probably gave some women HIV. Oh, yeah Man, what a badass. What does he do now? Like how do you how do you can you fuck people when you have HIV or do you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're so confident sure. Yeah, but what can we look that up? I don't know how that works He just did Bill Maher and Bill Maher is like so you fucked a couple guys and he was like whoa No penetration. Yeah, yeah, I heard that. Yeah, I loved his line about like you've done everything on the menu at some point You turned the menu. Yeah, that was great. That guy has lived nine lives. Yeah, definitely Condoms so you can't that's a and this is gonna sound naive, but like do you can't transmit it through like making out or oral sex? Press milk. Whoa So wait bodily fluid blood seem and yeah, so like why needles can do it, but bodily fluid could be a make out That's what I'm saying. I'm are we naive here. I don't know. Yeah, also what's the difference in HIV and AIDS by the way Well AIDS is full blown right HIV is I think treatable. Oh Okay There we go give me a give me a full on Yeah, AIDS is the most advanced. It's like before. Oh got it. Yeah So it's like remission with cancer Yeah, no not remission is you're good. Oh HIV you still have it Oh, I thought it was in remission like you have it, but it's like I think in remission means that it's like you're on your way back Oh, great. Okay. All right By the way, you ever thought I get your prostate checked Because I he a doctor and not a woman. Yes milk it Well, I got a I used to I could hold my pissing because I was a bedwitter so I learned how to hold my pee in for like hours and now when I got a pee I got a pee dude I think I when I was in Vegas, I think I woke up every hour for like I slept for like 12 hours at night because I was just trying to shake it. Yeah, I got in a day early I'm like let me just fucking try to sleep it off I woke up every fucking hour to piss that's insane Also, I think part of just being sick and you're about to find a shed ship. I was like drinking fluids, but I was like goddamn this sucks That's a lot. Yeah, we're getting older man. Yeah, well, I remember Malaney had that old bit where he called he wanted to get free pills So he called the doctor and he said I'm peeing a lot and the doctor said how many times a day and he tried to say a crazy Number to get the pills, but not too crazy so he said 11 and the doctor was like oh, that's insane You got to come in really? Yeah, I just remember that from the Joe is 11 crazy? Apparently, I feel like I pee easily 11 Don't you? I don't know. I think maybe like seven Four to 10 is normal. Okay. Okay, so 11's not crazy. All right I drink a lot of water to though. Mm-hmm. And we drink booze and we drink booze and coffee. Yeah, and there's a diuretic. Yeah, I mean Hmm, all right. Well call in if you know because we should get a doctor on here at some point We should get a doctor. Is he a real doctor? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, nice. I would have drew on. Yeah, that'd be cool Yeah, we could just use him to get you know, evaluate it like what's the sum I did because it's my dick too small Can you write us a prescription? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, can you give me Santa? God, I'll tell you I Prescriptions, man, it's fucking it's a racket man. It's out of shit I know and then you call a CVS and they're just like you're not getting them on the phone No, you got to go in person. I you got to you got to do these mom and pop pharmacies. I guess. Oh, yeah But then they were like like we don't have that and you're like, fuck right right yeah They're like priests where they just send you to another place. Yeah, go to this CVS They might have it in in the Bronx. Oh my god. I know you gotta go in a fucking event It's the new Harold and Kumo's gonna be just us trying to get Adderall Well, my friend has an app on his phone. Yeah, called something something and you just go hey I got a UTI and they go okay, we'll send you this in the mail. It'll be there in two days Yeah, but you can't do that for controlled substances Mmm, and that's the good stuff. That's true Like so you can't do any biotics or something. I don't know about antibody No, probably antibiotics you could do maybe antibiotics that you should be able to get easily But then if it's like, you know, like Muscle relax or like or like Adderall or something like that sure sure up something that could be abused Yeah, this is like a gonorrhea scare or something. Yeah, you hit the app. Yeah Go take control of cold sores. What a sad fucking you have when you're like I'm in control now Should you urinate and then we and I can use a cocktail. Yeah, let's do a drink. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back with our guests quick break I I I I "Answering is a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do." "Answering is a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do." "Answering is a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do." "Answering is a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do." It's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do." It's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do. And it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do, and it's a very important thing to do. This feels like I'm enabling. Good sip, good sip. Sweet. Alright, now how do you know when you're trashed? You sound the same. I win. I lose me. I let other people tell me. There you go. So my parents, I saw my parents this weekend. And they're getting old, and they're getting old, and they're getting old, and they're driving as a little scary with them. So they drove all the way to see me two hours, and I said, "I'm driving back." And my dad was like, "Yeah, but you had a couple cocktails I saw it." And I said, "Me drunk is still safer than you driving on the road." And we got in this big. You can't tell that to a cop. That's true. That's true. Old beets drunk to a cop. You mean drunk beets old? No, to a cop. You can't be drunk. Old me. Yeah. Oh, I see. Well, I still save. Me and my dad did it. If I got four cocktails deep, I could drive better than my dad. Dude, I just added Matt to my car insurance. The hubby. And it went down. Because he's a guy? Yeah, and he like walks and stuff. That's fun. Can't really call sexism when we got the numbers on our side. How does a driving work with you? I have hand controls, so it's a lot like driving a boat. I need that. I might need that. I'm a fucking bad driver. It's real nice. See, am I like, I'm not paralyzed, you know. But like the issue is all my proprioceptive nerves are dead or dying. And what that does is like, when you're driving, I can't see my feet. And if I can't see them, I don't know where they are. It's crazy. So I'm like, I used to drive with my feet in a flashlight. I used to drive with my feet in a flashlight. And I used to drive with my feet in a flashlight. You don't mean to treat you like ass jeeps from this. If you get three questions right, I'll give you a handicap. Oh, man. You can use it. I'd like to feel about someone. If you're like going to a movie theater and someone's like taking the handicap seat, what's the? I don't really go to movies anymore. I did it this weekend. I do get weird about parking spots. That pisses me off. Sure. Yeah. And then the handicap stall. That's a big one. Yeah. Like when there is no other ones open, go ahead. But if the rest are opening, you choose that one. I'm going to sit out there and wait for you. It's a good move. I can feel better at them. Yeah, it's real fun. You're ruining their days. Dude, I did that on the road. I talked back from like Rhode Islanders on me. And I'm at a gas station. Ladies doing that. So I'm sitting outside this stall. She opens it. Oh, my God. My mom was in a wheelchair. And I was like, "Well, get out of my way, please." Yeah. And she tried to follow me into this stall because she was like, "I'll help you." And I'm like, "You gonna wipe my ass?" Like, "What are we doing?" Overcompensating. She felt bad. Damn. You should have made her wipe your ass. Fuck it. That's a good point. Yeah, wow. I did have a handicap pass in high school. We stole one. So sorry. But I was a kid. Yeah. What would you do right now? Sure. Well, I saw you pull up. I would get out. Anthony DeVito, when he used to drive us to road gigs, had the handicap thing in his car. Remember that? Yeah. With his mom. And he used it. He got to use it. He did use it. Now some people are like, "I'm just lexic." So they have a handicap pass. That's crazy. There's no like degrees, which is kind of crazy. No, that's a weird part. I thought like getting a handicap pass is like the last step of like diagnosis or whatever the fuck. I got diagnosed at 18. And I kind of. I got gas, but I was grounded for freaking it. It was a lot. What? Your parents didn't believe you? Yeah. But my sister had health issues, so they were like, "You just want to be like her." So I had to take myself to all these doctor's appointments. I was doing it secretly because my mom would now, man. I was 18. What? Do they feel horrible now? Oh, I don't talk to my dad. But like my mom feels real bad. What happened with your dad? Kind of a classic bad dad stuff. Deadbeat. I'm like beat up, so I wasn't like that. He just didn't care, you know. Neglect. Yeah. He's very funny, yeah. Yeah. Bad people are funny. Yeah. That's true. Look at Cosby. Great comic. That was a real hobby. He was like, "You need your dreams." That was the most Cosby thing I ever do here. Drink up. That's similar. He looked at me. - Yeah, the roofie would be wasted on me. (laughing) - They could take one out to like, I never would. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - She was using the elbow groups. (laughing) (laughing) - No, but I go in, I still'm not diagnosed with anything I go into the neurologist. I just walk in, but I'm wobbling. - Yeah. - And they immediately handed me a handicap parking bath, and I was like, what? And it said permanently disabled on it. And that like, I was like, we don't know. (laughing) (laughing) - Yeah, so you think of you like, hit it big and became like this giant, huge, rich and famous comedian, your dad would come crawling back. - Mm. - Or is he that out there that he's like, ah, fuck it? - I, honestly, I felt like killed Tony, like, he'll burst out. And I think we seen it. - Oh yeah, well my sister is still doxed up. - Mm, interesting. - Yeah, she's a old-ass, so there's like that, like, first child. - I need, you know. - Right. - I remember when I did last comic standing back in the day, I had to get, you used to have to get people's permissions if you were gonna make fun of them. Remember that? - Mm. - If it was family or something like that, or if you used their name, I forgot how-- - Oh yeah. - But I had to, for whatever reason, I had to get my biological dad's signature to make fun of him. - Wow. - I met up with him, I was like, "Will you just sign this?" - And you know I talked to him. - We didn't talk. And he was like, he had like a mental breakdown at that point, so he would like, look at the contract and be like, no, no, no, no. I was like, come on, I need this. He was like, I couldn't tell if he was faking it or not, but he would just keep getting close to it and then go, I was like, you fucking cock-tees. I lost it, I was like, fuck you, I just walked out. - Oh. - Yeah. - Good different jokes. - You didn't forge it? - No. I didn't want to deal with it. - I didn't want to deal with it. - Damn, that's crazy, I remember that. That was a signing thing. - They made me, it was some weird NBC shit. - Yeah, God, NBC's the worst. - Yeah, they really are. So that's crazy though that he, but you're still close with your mom and you're close with your sister. - Mm-hmm, and my little brother. - Yeah, big family got it. - Yeah, I'm the middle. - The little brother must think it's pretty cool that you're crushing it. - Oh yeah, he's a musician actually. So he's like, I don't know. All of this is very exciting for him and he's young. And I remember, okay, so I'm 29. My brother is 24. And he said me, he came to one of my shows. I was like, it's really cool because you're like, so old, but like, Jinsy's still thinks you're funny. - Yeah. - What the fuck? - You're not old. - I'm not. I'm like a baby. - I think you might be your youngest guest. - Oh yeah. - Look at the whole thing in this. - Oh, wow, is that a bro? - Yeah, yeah, it's not my, yeah, that's my brother. And the one above is my whole family with my stepdad, Randy. The good dad. - Yeah, he's the dad that stepped up. - Yeah. - I remember seeing you at Killtony. I think it was the only time I was on Killtony and she comes out, killer jokes. And then the interview part, she killed it, hilarious off the cuff too. - Oh yeah. - She just killed it. It was awesome. - Yeah, you killed it the don't tell I saw. - Thank you. - Yeah, it was refreshing because it's like, you know, it's such a weird, I mean, we just came up so differently. I mean, we did those kind of shows where you're like, fuck, I'm nervous, but you're not, like that show is massive. - Yes. - So you're, you know, fairly new to comedy. I don't know how long you been doing that. - Yeah. - How long you been doing that? - October is five years. - Oh yeah. - It's pretty new. - And it's like, this massive audience, I remember having those audition sets. - Oh, God. - But you just like crushed it and I assume you've been on it, you know, a couple of times before. - The good ones, like 10 to 10. - Well before, you were my, was your second time? - I think so. - Yeah, you killed it, it felt good to see, you know, someone do so well. - That means so much, it is weird though, 'cause like, it is a room of like 350 people, but you're so wearing it, like millions are gonna see it, and you're like, fuck, like everything I do right now. Do I look fat? Am I setting out? - And the comments are brutal. And then Tony could be brutal. - Oh yeah. - But it'd be like, you fucking suck. I'm not gay. - I promise. (laughing) - So yeah, you really gotta walk that tightrope. - Not my forte. (laughing) - Now let me ask you, so we're a couple of straight, white, honky men. I, you know, we'll get people, hey, shut up, that's offensive. Does anyone ever push back on you? 'Cause you have pretty dark jokes. - Oh yeah. - Is anyone ever gonna yell at the wheel? - I mean, they'll be quiet, but it's 'cause they feel sad for me. - And that's the worst. - Which is so much more obnoxious. - I know. - Yeah, I'm like, that actually is a hate crime app. (laughing) - They're like, she said the N word, but, you know. - But it was sad. - Yeah. - She meant it with a name. - Yeah. - It's just a speech, really. - That should be, you should be able to say the N word if you're holding the handicap pass. (laughing) This is my N word pass. - You get an actual N word card. - Yeah, yeah, but that's nice, that's a nice little perk. - Yeah. - I mean, you still have to live like this. But, nice perk. - Hard. - It's mostly hard with the travel. - Oh my God, dude, yeah. It's a nightmare 'cause I know, like, I'm on tour right now. And I know most comedies that are like starting off headlining with the first year, like, it's hard to afford to bring a feature, you know? - Sure. - So people just like, let the clubs do, I have to. I can't, I get from me to be on airplane, I can't, I'm not gonna drive it, I was by myself, you know what I mean? - Yeah, that is so. - It's kind of like taking on that into account. I can't afford multiple del rooms right now, you know what I mean? - Damn, you just have to sleep with your opener. - I literally, I'm sorry Matt, you know what? - And thank God you live in a city city with a club and a theater, you know, and festivals. - That would really suck if you lived in like Montana. - Yeah, I'm staying in Nashville though 'cause we have a great, like, a ton of direct flights. - Yeah, nice. - I never even thought about it, man. So all those times you were in Austin or in your New York, that's just the whole thing. - You're flying at a pocket, right? - Yeah. - That's crazy. - That is crazy. - Yeah. - Damn. - It's hard. - Gonna go fuck me going. Help her out everybody. - Yeah, I'll let that, guys. - Come on. - You seem like you're doing great though right now. - Yeah, I mean, I'm very fortunate. I can't afford all that now. - Oh, great. - Yeah. I'm doing all right. (laughing) - I got that wheelchair money. (laughing) - Has anyone ever-- - You get rims on that shit, right? (laughing) - Yeah. - Get the hydraulics, er, er, er. Has anyone ever reached out in the handicap world? Is that the term? - That's terrible. - Okay. - Who's the person who's reached out? We were like, holy shit, that's kind of cool. - Stephen Hawking. (laughing) - Somebody must have-- - You said it was too old. (laughing) - Someone that's reached-- - Like an organization, like, hey, we're a part of-- - Oh, I just had a really cool thing. Actually, I was in Boston doing their lab Boston and I never really do crap, but for some reason. I was like, McDonald's if you're in the health care field and everyone clapped for him, Boston. - Yeah. - And I just point out one random guy and I was like, what do you do, you know? And he was the chief financial officer for gene therapy for my disease. - Holy, holy. - Which is the only cure. When I was dying, I was 11 years ago. They told me, like, your only hope is gene therapy and that could reverse this. - And did you talk to him? - Oh my God, yeah, and it made me very emotional. He emailed me, I'm gonna try to do something with them. - Wow, all the crowd works. - And dude, I know, it's 'cause it was bald. - That was stuck to the bomb in front of the CEO. - Yeah, and he was like, took him in big. (laughing) - He bill you, he's like, we talked for 11 minutes. - I know, I was like, this is crazy on these healthcare people. I can't afford to see a sweat. - Right. - To get y'all in here. Can you look at this more? (laughing) - What, so gene therapy could reverse something like this? - Yeah. - And where are they with something like that? - They're about to move to clinical trial, which is so good. It's like the first stage, I don't, I shouldn't say that, but gene therapy would be the cure for any genetic, like Alzheimer's, fucking dementia. It would stop all that, 'cause- - Wow, I definitely get in dementia. - Oh, you know it, we're like, yeah. - Yeah. (laughing) - I'm read that line. - Yeah, completely. Wow, this is great news. - Yeah. - But I don't wanna jinx it, so what's gonna happen? - I know, I'm like, you always gotta like, Manager hope on because I've been to a million things that are like this is it and it's fucking that. Yeah, yeah, damn of all. I mean that sounds if that was in a movie you'd be like that's all on the nose. Yeah, that works. It's seen with the guy that he's there. But this turns around you're making that for me. I mean, you'll be played by Mark Roofaloo. Damn. Yeah, it was very cool, it was like talking to me about how he was really excited because I bring a lot of awareness to Fredrick's attacks, yeah, like my talk about podcasts or gill town and did you know who you were before? Yeah, like they're all fans and I'm like, what the fuck and I was like their first person with F.A. they had met. Yeah, you're the Jackie Robinson, yeah, what Fredrick's it takes, yeah, pretty close. All right, I'll take it, I liked it. Damn, hold on, I had another question. Oh, I forgot it, lap Boston, no, I lost it. I'll get it back. I want to know what your road routine is like, it's like when you get to a new city, do you just kind of, you try to find a restaurant, do you just go to the hotel and chill, like what do you do? I just go to the hotel, yeah, I've moved a lot that day, my routine now, mapping a really big fucking issue with all hotels, being disabling, like I booked an accessible room for mobility. Yeah. I showed up to this last hotel and they were like, I was like, is it accessible? And they were like, yeah, it's hearing accessible. Oh. What accessible? It's hearing. Not even what that mean. Like for deaf people. Oh. And I was like, what does that mean? And they were like, well, there is a doorbell and when someone hits it, flushes the lights so you know someone's there, I was like, oh, thank God. I was like, the only like crazy thing about that, my ears are good. My legs are deaf, you know, they're not with me. I remember what I was going to ask and maybe it's, maybe it's for the best I didn't remember. So tell me if this is over the line, but I got to know, where we at, feelings wise below the equator, that's fair, okay, yeah, I'm feeling I'm not feeling, oh, you got feeling. Yeah. Oh, so you guys are plowing, okay. Yeah, sure. Wow. That's it. Would you have a swing? That would be an order. This would work really hard, which one, you holding her up? Hold me down. Wow. Do you know he's horny when he puts a broomstick through the spokes, not going anywhere, baby. It's the flashing lights. That's a, and do you guys tour together always? When he's not busy, so he is on the road, like 40 weeks a year, with Rodney Carrington. Oh, he features for him. Oh, hell yeah. So when he's not with Rodney, he's with me, and then when he's not very well, I bring some one named Justin Wagner, he's a Nashville comic, very funny, good guy. All right. All right. I mean, the hard thing about dating the comic is like how much, you know, scheduling time together and, you know, being a part and all that stuff, like, is it, you think it's good for the relationship that you have the time part and you have to actually miss a person a little bit? I love missing him. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's, it's honestly got been a fucking breeze, like we've had no issues. I don't know. We just trust each other a lot. I'm not going to roll in to any dick on the road. Well, it's tough though, because if you blow up or if you blow up, now you're both busy. So how does that work? It's almost like a bittersweet thing. Yeah, because we want that for each other, you know, I don't know. We haven't gotten that much. Right. Being busy is good though. It's like you're saying this to person, you, I mean, think about, you love your alone time. You focus on your work. I'm the same way. I get in the road and I'm not in a relationship, but I get in the road and I'm just like, I can focus. It's almost like your life back home is paused. Yeah. And you can just be like, I can, no one can bother me. Yeah. Same reason I love a flight. I'm like, I don't have to respond to this shit now. I can just kind of do me. 100%. Yeah. Definitely. I mean, I'm not, I'm not too worried about all that. Yeah, you're going to be fine. Yeah. Are you married in like 24 days or 24 days, all right? Where's the wedding? A giant handicap. Yes. Everyone can get in. Do you feel like you have a big audience of people who feel like you're speaking for them kind of? Yeah. That's been the crazy as part of all this. I didn't feel the way and then I started like, you know, Tony Abbond and I'm getting like, you know, 20, 30 messages a day, just from disabled people, from people that family members like me. Yeah. Yeah. It's been cool. Actually, I've a TEDx talk. That isn't it? Yeah. But it's about to come out. That's crazy. A TED talk. What do they call it? A TEDx now. The smaller one. A TEDx? No. We'll make sure it blows up. So you just gave like a funny speech basically. Yeah. Well, it wasn't supposed to be funny, but I had never been serious on stage before and I was like having a panic attack, so I started like accidentally doing jokes. Right. And so the crowd was laughing and I was like, thank God. Like when it's silence, I got no pause break for wisdom. Wow. Wow. It was so amazing. There's people are cheating over there. Yeah. You're going to get applause. Yeah. You just drop some knowledge. Did you wear the mat right headset? No. It was like a mic. Okay. The headset makes you look important. I know. I know. I want to one something. You job. Yeah. Wow. TEDx. You're all over the way. You know, Jim Jeffries does the, I've opened for him. He meets with the handicap people after his set. That's like a weird thing he does because he had a weird, he should be ignoring that. He had a story about his brother or friend in the wheelchair. It's amazing. Great. How about his friend growing up with muscular dystrophy who he took to a brothel to get laid? Yes. Wait, I think I've heard that. That was a great story. Yeah. And his whole TV show is based on that, basically. And that guy, DJ Kuala's played his friend in the wheelchair. Yeah. But he took him to a brothel, the story blew up. And now all these handicap people are disabled people, meet him after the show. But it's getting a little out of hand. It started with wheelchair. Now it's like, I can't hear in one ear, I'm missing a finger. So, but he meets them all after the show and then if you open for him, you got to meet him too. Oh, wow. But that's why his special is called two limb policy, because he's like, all right, you still got to have or one limb policy, whatever it was. I didn't know that was the special. Yeah, it's on Netflix. This is last special. That is so real though, people are fucking insane, I'll be like, before one of my jokes, I'll be like, make some noise if you're a disabled person. And it's always like 10 people and I'm like, no, no, like the real guy. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, it's a hard to take a piss. I feel like that's a good, that's a good gauge indicator. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because that's the hardest part. But I'm not going to clean them up. More just in my body's shitty at this point. I'm kind of a shy peer, does that count? Really? I could pee anywhere. I'm not going to pee on the street, but it'll take a minute. I still pee on the street. Yeah. If it's late at night. If it's late at night, no one's around, you had a few cocktails. Yeah. I got you. Yeah, I can pee anywhere. No stage fright. What about boner? What do you mean? You get boner? You get the. A public boner? Well, no, if I get my head, I can't get it up. I can get it up all the time, but if you start thinking about not being able to get it up, I'm ruined. I think that's why you drank. I guess so. I think when you get in your head, yeah, when you're like too aware of it. Um, I brought my wife to a sex club in the day and you know, I'm like, well, we're in the sex club. We got to have sex in it. That's what you do. And we were making out. And there's people making out. There's people fucking over there. There's a guy on a swing. There's a naked lady. So I'm like, the lot going on. I couldn't get it up because it was too much. I was just techno and lights and all this shit. So eventually, I got it up, but it was. It wasn't easy. How do you get it up? I took a Bluetooth. I was nervous because I knew I'd want to fuck in there, you know, went in Rome, but I just didn't want to take any chances. I've had more and more guys tell me like, you got to get a prescription for Viagra just to have in case you like me to check you want to go all night with. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm pretty satisfied with a few pumps and falling asleep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think women actually ever want to go on night. I had one where a woman just like, again, I was like, all right, an infomaniac stressed me out. And that was just like fuck I'm trying and this is like give me a sec Yeah, it took a lot. I was hammered enough that I got I I went three and that was the most pretty good It was the most I've done in like years. Yeah, anyone to go to bed. I'm tired. I was hammered I didn't care three times in one. Yeah, I was fucking pleased with my I'm 39 I was like I've done the three and it's like it's a little raw It was like the third godfather. It wasn't very good First two not bad, that's not it. Yeah, write it down now Yeah, no, I don't want to stay with the woman. I and I found out like women like if I'm having any trouble and they're just mean to me It definitely helps. Oh, there you go. Yeah, just a little mean like ball busty sure not to mean. Yeah, yeah What was your mom like great? I had a great mother. I have a great mom She's the best could you work them into it like if they're not being mean enough can you be like boy put on weight? Here we go. Yeah, that's fucking right like the fuse a little. Yeah To me, but they got to be clever. Sure You're ugly. You're gay. It's gonna be something something clever. Yeah, I like that For me, it's just not caring of the girls like what I don't care. I'm like I Got to win you back. I've in love with you. I'll marry you Take my money. I Had a one-night stand with the woman and I did not last long and I Not proud of this when I'm protected because she demanded it sure and I don't do that I'm fucking I'm a product of an accident. I'm not a fucking. I'm not careless Right, I was like hammered. I was like I fuck it. Let's do it and then did not last long and afterwards she goes What's my name and I was like and I true story? I said I want to say jazamon I was my guest jazamon. I was hammered and what kind of fucking name is jazam and I said what's your name? And she goes jelissa That's a crazy but then she I'll give you an example just she leaves and I called her car and she leaves and she This is the line. I was like maybe kind of like her She text first off. She text not even a new bird black and I wrote she I wrote jeez Sorry, and then she wrote comes in 10 seconds and calls me a Toyota camera And I was like that's pretty fucking good. Yeah, that's a type of ball bust. And I like okay Okay, I like that. That's all I enjoyed it. So when's the wedding? I told her I said if we have a baby we'll name it jazamon That was probably the name of the uber driver That's one funny by being singly get those wacky drunk. I like to follow a fucking night. Of course I like to follow a weird night and see where I go. I love a weird night. Love a weird night That's where you get the stories you don't get stories would be in married with a kid. I'll tell you that Jim Jeffers Got that great bit where he goes, you know It's over people all of the same end of their story and then I got home. Yeah No great story started with and I had a salad What about you you do you drink I do I mean we've seen yeah What kind of what's like do you drink before we go on stage or after stage or I used to like have to have like two Drain's before I went on stage just goes up as nervous Now it's like maybe I do maybe I don't I guess Is that your only vice you ever do a little shroom action? I Hey, you did uh-oh But uh well everything I've done it. I'm a fucking idiot, and I do it in the crazyest place I The first time I did drums It was for a like comedy show where the whole thing was like all the comedians are tripping. Oh, yeah You know, and so I was like yeah, that's fine. It hit me so fucking hard I was I was terrified. It was horrible. Yeah, it was awful and I actually the whole my whole set on drums is online Oh shit, and I fully Matt was with me and he was not on drums, and I was like I Refused to go on stage and let's Matt guy. Oh, that's great. Yeah, I'm like having a panic of Doug I mean literally the first thing I say in this video is ha ha. I'm in a wheelchair I'm never done sure I'm a little boy. I'm just doing my job. Wow Him sitting there's great - this is amazing Jesus And then I like I like made them hold my hand, and then I was like I don't want to do this anymore Matt do my jokes Wow, that's great now that's love. Yeah, that's a great story pretty good damn Put all this in the movie where you find the jean therapy guy I really hope this like we got to do how is there a way we could raise awareness for this for this cause in any way or like you know Yeah, people want to donate to Farah That's a Ra is the organization. Oh, that's like for research Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, wow. Do you ever meet all these people and go man these are nerds? Oh My god, a lot of people with that pay actually come to my show. Oh great. They're only 5,000 of us in the US Is that right? Yeah, so I'm British special. Yeah, you're a minority. My bus is extra short That would be a cool tour bus is that you had a short bus. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, be pretty fucking sick Hope you want another I don't want to get you trashed here. Oh, I mean we good. I'll do another she does another shit Yeah, I could do one more half one more. I don't know what do we do what it was being doing a bodega Here we go Farah free. How do I say free tree tricks that takes you a taxi? Yeah, all right F-A-R-A dot org mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, please donate to this. This sounds like a Important is how we want you around. Yeah, why are you kicking one of our verses? We want you to have a long long career if you all don't And don't need to it. I won't be here to make wheelchair Another wheelchair comic come in are you like and get the fuck take the ramp down You already got to compete with other women. Yeah, I'd alone are the wheelchair. Oh my god. Have you got any women comic hate yet? Yeah, of course, of course they were kind of what kind of stuff It's no one's like breaking up to say anything to my face, you know, but I've heard a lot of like She only gets booked because she's in a wheelchair and like she's not funny. You're very funny. You're funny. You got jokes I mean, it's I could see I see how they got there, but like Right, I had a guy who I knew I know his talk shit about me asked me for a favor recently. Oh, and I did it I did it because I was like, I don't give a shit. Wow. That's very mature Yeah, you know what he might have done it And now it's like it's like what you say hanging outside the stall now. He'll feel a little stupid for doing. Yeah What you're like Charlie Kirk's wife That's not the first time I've heard that by the way I'm like Erica Kirk. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's it. Oh my god. Look at You're gonna get in there To change things up. Oh, it's neck and neck. All right. All right. What do we do? Hopefully it's been a minute since it's been a minute Okay, damn do you see that uh that that memorial look like one of Bargazze shows That's christians. Oh, yeah, repeaters. They use that money like the crushed ice nice touch. Yeah, I do crushed ice is a fuck a toast to crushed ice here here next Any cocktail better. I said. Yeah, I love it. Crushed ice. I also like the big cube. I want the big cube where the crew I don't want any in the middle. I'm with you. I don't hate the medium cube But yeah, bigger little is the way to go. I'm glad we're actually talking about the problem They were really getting into it. We're just like, here's how I feel like cute I have some strong opinions. Well, Larry Dave. Oh, yeah, I have some peeps that we need anyway. I have peeps too. Okay. Oh, I got one. Oh, great. Please you go if you ladies first This is so fucking stupid, but The way they package uh string cheese. Oh, why? Well, what what's he doing? No one can fucking open it Like I know I'm a little retarded, but like I think it's hard for everyone It's number change similar to birth control. They haven't fixed it And it labia there. Yeah, you have to like take them apart and I'm like no and I love cheese Yeah, same and it's fun to string it. Yeah I'm with you. It's like a tampon. Yeah, also very hard to open you ever tried to put a tampon in me Me many times real hard. Yeah, that's good because a lot of things have gotten better like ketchup has those packets But then we invented the cup with the lid with the little rip lid. Yeah, or you can do the top. Yes, yes Exactly hard to open anything. I'll go with I think. Yeah, why are you making it hard to open? I know I think it's easy to package But even the ketchup used to come in a glass bottle. We know we'll do this shit. Remember that Oh, yeah, knife whatever that was and now it's squeezed. They figured it out. They they progressed Yeah, we got to get the cheese to progress. Yeah, I'm a big string cheese in the combo. Yeah Good one. You're on notice string cheese Yeah, one of you change it up. Yes, you're ableist. Yes, I like that. All right Is that you go to road snack string cheese? Not anymore. Oh, yeah, my god, too, but I love Taco Bell. Oh, that's probably my number one fast food every club I used to go to would be like oh, David Tell was just here and I'm like, oh, how was he goes? Great He killed me made me made us drive in a Taco Bell I just love that it tells in the car with someone chain smoking on his way to a Taco Bell. Mm-hmm Grande They'll be for Yeah, Taco Bell the crunch wraps a cream when that came out I probably nine hundred in a year the hot sauce is fucking all too and it's unlimited. Yeah, do you smoke weed? Not really. No, do you? I don't like mendistan. I honestly like when I Matt talks me into bed. Is he mellow weed Then our bully him That it's the best way for me to sleep. I sleep well on it. Yeah, I'm honestly, but then I'm like in and out I'm like kind of yeah, and they say you're not supposed to be able to dream When you smoke before bed I dream. I hate dreams. Yeah, I hate dreams. I have just bad dream. I guess I hate nightmare streams Okay, but I have I have some I have some weird dreams. Yeah, I might not agree either. I walk it in a lot of my dreams What's that what is that like I what does that feel like in the dream? Kantie No, it's weird because when it's happening. I have no idea that it's like different than reality Right, you know what I mean? And then I wake up and like dance. Yeah, that was real and like This happens sometimes I wake up and I forget I can't walk Mm-hmm, and I like go to stand up and I've like fallen Because I walked for it, you know 21 years Wow That is crazy. Yeah, Benjamin button. I'm like a baby. Yeah, yeah, you're going backwards Mm-hmm, but I think with this crowd work guy you'll be walking. I am day Do you how often do you talk to this guy? I literally met him on the September Oh, okay, so recently 16th. Oh, right. All right, I like it just happened I was really kind of like I mean he was fucking palm hell. Yeah Yeah, the thing is called like solid There's something cool solid bio science. Oh nice Yeah Right, yeah, because it kept being like solid like a rock or whatever because I was kind of drunk So it was like please number Solid as a rock Kevin tan is that I'm wait. No, I keep saying the wrong person. He's this chief something. There's so many He's Native American Dance with wolves. I hope it's a bow combo. He's a bald guy. Okay. We'll find him by the way Did you guys see I want to say Tim something Tim? Yeah, there is wait, I fuck wait, fuck the Asian. No, ah shit. I wasn't that drunk By the way, they said baldness New York Times just came out with thing baldness is close to curing like the actual They're gonna get ahead of it. Yeah, oh my God We're close. He's gonna leave me when he grows it Which way which one is it? Ah, yes, Dr. Gabriel. Yes, Brooks looks nice. He does and he like took a knee to talk to me It was very sweet here. Yeah, for Nick. I like it. Yeah, he was a sweet sweet man. Good on your Brooks But yeah, let me ask you this some people get successful. They leave their spouse Mm-hmm. If you got walking again, would you leave old Maddie back then? Yeah, all right She would literally walk out. Yeah. I know. Wow. It's fucked up. I can't be a runaway bride. I think Roller way bride doesn't it the same Tell me though that baldness gear is coming. It's coming. Don't tell Vita. I like holding them down The times I told you I mean what's what's been the coolest thing about just I mean because this happened quickly for years or what's the coolest thing about the Disease or no, but The coolest thing about what's your favorite but I'm really gonna barrel a bug Dude, it's been a fucking whirlwind and I'm like my biggest fear. It's a happened to fast and I'm just like trying to live up to every opportunity that comes, but like also respect that like it's a long-haul Um, you write a lot. Yeah. Yeah Jokes which is refreshing. She does. I mean, that's the first thing I noticed is that she had and even when she's riffing it was in jokes Yeah, true That means I mean to be honest. I didn't Think I would ever be like a comedian. I thought only boys could do that and You're right. I tried No, I got to I got a degree in graphic design. Oh, wow So I used to own a little company. What we make it do that to apparently you define Um, I'm like, yeah, you can park what I know it's like kind of the whole baggage or have the baggage or whether Yeah, oh god, okay, some of these brothers are terrified Yeah, sit down create was the name of my company and no longer yeah, oh fun Could you make your own flyers and your own out? Yeah, yeah, but I won't Very lazy. Okay, I feel like how nervous would you get going on these shows because I Mark and I talked about this. I don't think there's a show like Killtony we ever did coming up where you're like oh this You know, even if we bombed a late night set. We're like, we'll be okay. Yeah bombing on that stage is tough Truly that will fuck you. Yeah, like if it's a verse or a month, you know, I think an msg Oh, yeah, it's as scary as I found out I was on msg Four days before it they forgot ah You know what the worst part of it too is the anticipation because it's all you're all just waiting for One brief moment and you're literally going through security at the airport. You're on the flight Yeah, and then you're just like I hope this doesn't suck Yeah, exactly and you can't really pre-write. It's all off the dome because you don't know who's coming up Right right. Well then I'm fucking about to go on stage and the left or whatever And everyone that I know back stage is like you should talk about this or this or this and I'm like, okay Fuck you, this is the worst so I feel like a msg. I kind of bombed the interview What I saw it yesterday you had 4.4 million views on something. So Things are working but it took off. It's it's it's working for you had the elevator joke Yeah, that wasn't even mine though. I was just sitting there and everyone's been like had to feel about that and like if I'm being so fucking honest I couldn't hear y'all So I was just like Yeah By the way, I hate that's a peeve when people go how'd you feel about that set like you know how I feel about it If I killed you wouldn't ask me I hate what are my therapist A bad set. It's a worth oran people are like hey Don't give up I love that. I thought you were fine - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't listen to them, they suck. - Hey, it's a weird night. - Yeah. (laughs) - The crowd was weird. - Yeah. - I think the most, I sometimes let's see a comic don't be like, oh man, they suck, you deserve it. Like, I'll give one of those. - Yeah, I don't like that the other way. I don't like being like, you, what the fuck? That's insane. - Yeah. - Just don't say anything. - I know. Don't listen to them. - No, my favorite thousand, you do see someone, they do like mid to bomb level, and they're always the ones that come off stage and they're like, I crashed. (laughs) - That's so true. - And I'm like, it's always a man with the mustache. (laughs) Tell me I'm wrong. - Yeah, I could see that. - Oh, no, we didn't say much. - Oh, I was gonna throw out a peeve, but I don't wanna cut you off. - I don't know, go for it. - All right, I got two. How about this guy? I've been having this a lot lately. I'm at the airport or somewhere, and I see a guy was like, comedy, hey, we might be drunk, whatever. And he goes like this for the, for the, - Oh god. - And I have stuff in my hands. So I go fist bump, and he just holds the handout. I think he's like, I'm not fist bump, but we're, we're, we're, we're a hand shake. - He had to accept that. - And this is like a multiple times. This has happened. - This happened to me today, actually. I was on the street. - Yes. - I was holding a coffee and something else, and a guy was like, and I was like, I don't have a hand to, - Yeah, yeah. - I'm like, I have to accept the fist bump. - I know. So he ended up like putting the coffee under the armpit, and you're like, here you go. I'm like, just fist bump me, but I think they don't want to shift from this to this, or something, I don't know. - They're standing on the ground. - I guess so, when it's like my day. - My equivalent, I'm really bad at like hand shakes, 'cause you have to be precise. - Right, right. - So I'm like, let me just hold still. - Nah, you come to me. - Yeah. - I like that. You do 90, I do 10. - Yeah. - You know, it's just like, oh fuck, who? Okay. I was just at a fucking Belmore Governor's Club. - Oh, jeez. - The owner talked to me about y'all. He loves you. - Oh really? - Yeah. - That's a surprise to me. - He said that. - There's sweet boys, sweet boys. - Oh. - Did he make sure you ate 400 times? - Dude, I, this is hilarious. - They take some food to go, take more food. - He goes, um. - He killed her healthy mate. - So, dude, he's wet. - Oh jeez, you got a lot of hair. - You feel bad, how hard that hit? (laughing) - Edit that out. - I'm kidding, um, no, he's, you know. Clean cut, fucking cuticles, push back, fucking day go. - I'm a half Italian, I'm allowed to say it. - He's, I can say it too. (laughing) - He's got a successful Italian. - Yeah. - They're handsome Jews, you're successful Italian. - He's in like a tracksuit, you know what I mean? - Of course. - So during my shit mindset, this fucking, dude, he's fucked up, he's on drugs, I don't know. But he's heckling me, but nice heckling, which is my least favorite. - The worst. - 'Cause it's like, you don't want to be like, fuck you. 'Cause he's like, you're so funny, and I'm a shot up, you know? - Michael, let me be funny, you know. But this guy's being too much, he'd be in real creepies, yelling out and stuff about like my body and whatever. - So at the end of the night, the owner comes out, he's sitting on a stool, and he's talking to me, he's like, you have fun. - Yeah, like he's just kind of being a great guy. And this heckler comes back, and I'm getting a little stressed, 'cause he's real touchy, and I'm like, "Yeah, I'm talking to the owner," and he's like, "Is this guy bothering you?" (laughs) And then as I said that, the heckler fucking grabs my head, and kiss me right here, and I can't go far. I'm not gonna miss one, and the owner goes, "Wait, fuck these, 'cause you're, I was like, "I'm my cheek," and he goes, "Okay." And he had picked up a chair leg. - Oh my God. - He just had a chair leg back there ready to go. - I love this man, I was very impressed. - Wow. - I think I didn't make it to his car. And if it did, it exploded when he started. - I think that guy's at a wheelchair too. (laughs) - My days are gonna hit real hard now. (laughs) - Damn, that's wild. - Yeah, I've had some, that was one of those clubs like early on that I was grateful for. They were, you know. You had those sets, you get in the Long Island Railroad. - Oh yeah. - And governors that, but man, it was work. - Yeah, yeah, there are animals out there. They will let you know if it ain't funny. - That's a club, governors is a club and same, not far from brokerage, where Seinfeld is like, it's like a fucking different country out there. It's like you see Seinfeld break. - Yeah, it's really Alabama. - Yeah. - Yeah, my feature, oh my God, he crushes every fucking leg, he's so great. - All right, Wagner. - Just saying, yeah, nice. This was the only show. (laughs) We had just been in Rhode Island. I did these Providence like comedy connections. - Connections, great club. - A phenomenal show, I love that. But we had just been Rhode Island. He gets on stage and Bell Murray goes, and that's long. - Oh yeah. - And he goes, how are we doing tonight, Rhode Island? Nothing. He doesn't even realize he said that. He said it, five fucking don't. - Oh. - And at some point, some Italian dude, this isn't a fucking Rhode Island. - It's like calling a woman jasmine on it. (laughs) - I mean, they never forgave him. It was so fucking funny. - That's on him. - I've done that before. - I've done that. - It sucks. You've just had a couple drinks and you've confidently been like, thank you Oklahoma City. They're like, this is Lexington, Kentucky. Been drinking a lot. I've been on the road for a long time. - Remember that Simpsons, there's some band and they're like, good to be here and he flips the guitar over to Springfield. (laughs) - Springfield, we love you. - It's so fucking relatable. - It's so good. - He's on the road that hard, you just like you forget. - Yeah, it all blends together. - But it's insane to forget, but yeah. - All right, how about this, Peef, this guy? I've stopped being able to have done this before. But you get the guy who keeps questioning you when you've already given an answer, you know, you go, he goes, oh shit, I gotta tip the bell hop. You got any money and I go, oh, I got nothing. And he goes, no money, like I have zero money. He's like, you have nothing. (laughs) Yeah, that's what nothing means, I'm out. If you keep asking me, it doesn't change it. So that was that trophy crazy. - Better him than a homeless guy. (laughs) - That's true, that's true. - You have zero. - Zero, I have nothing. No money, nothing on you. I'll be, I'm indecisive so I can be annoying like this. We're like, Gary and I are picking seats. We're like, you know, we're on the road. We want to see that decaprio movie. The Paul Thomas one. - Is that out? - It's out this weekend, but we saw it without, we're backlogging this episode. This is before Mark and I both go to Europe. So we're taping this in September, guys. - That's right. - Sorry about that. But we didn't touch on top of our shit, it still works. - Yeah. - Anyway, the movie won battle after another. Vitor and I are on the road. We want to see the movie. So we see there's a late Thursday shit. - Oh my God. - So we're in Rochester. So I was like, I was like, dude, let's, so we're like arguing back and forth over the seats. - Yeah. - I'm like, I like these seats. He's like, I like it out more to the middle. I'm like, well, it's a three hour movie. What do we have to pay? And it's that type of thing. - And that's where you got the handicap seat. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And then I was like, I was like, two away from the handicap seat. That's better. - All right. - There's like 10 handicap seats in this theater. There's no way 10 handicap people are showing up. - Yeah, that's what they do. - I really get no other house, that's pretty good. - 10? (laughing) - I feel like all my peeves are so specific to me. I'm scared to even say that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do you know what I'm gonna be like, what? - Say it, please. - One of my like, biggest ones and it happens every day. It doesn't matter who I'm with. Like, I'll be trucking into a hotel. And like, same man to with me. It's under my name. Yada yada. They will not look at me. They only talk to the evil body person with me. And I faggin' hate it. - Is that a man woman's thing? - No, an evil body person just able to solve anyone, like even a random bitch behind me. (laughing) - Well, it's crazy. And like, I tell people, and that's a thing with all disabled people. If a disabled person is talking to you, look at them. - Interesting. - Like, even though it's hard, just try. (laughing) - Even if they feel bad or something. - Yeah, even if they're drooling, just look. (laughing) - This is what, but this is why, I think you've connected with people so well, is that like, they feel seen through your comedy. - Yeah, I love that shit. - What? - I'm such a girl about it, it makes me emotional. I remember when I started comedy, a bunch of my bros were like, "You're never gonna make it. "You think you have a point to make?" And I was like, "Oh, okay." - I don't feel that way about you at all. - No point. - I don't think it's at all. - I'm just talking. - You're just making jokes. You're doing what you're supposed to do. That's, I think that's why when I first saw it, I was like, "I like this one very immediately." I was like immediately like, fan. And that's why I won't watch your TEDx. 'Cause I don't want any message. - Yeah, yeah, I'm not trying to learn something. - But she said she couldn't even get through with message. - That's true. - She said she couldn't even get through with message. - Dude, I fucking panicked. I can't even remember some of the jokes I made and I was like, "Oh, there's not this has to be laughing." Oh my God, okay, I ignored it. - I'm in a wheelchair. (laughing) - I'm in my rooms. - That's the hardest video to watch, I. - Why'd you upload it if it's so hard to watch? - Because I'm like, "I can't, I can't, can't, can't get it." - It is a funny video. I mean, you gotta, you gotta go for it. - No, I, I made like a highlight. Real of like the funny parts of it, so you don't have to watch the whole of it. (laughing) - God, it's, I did it a lot. - Are those boo-boo playing Swar in there? - Really? - Yeah, they were sent to us as a gift. - Can I hold it? - Please. - Touch 'em, they feel great. - Yeah, those came out of Chelsea Handler, so. (laughing) There you go. - Oh, that's awesome. - Fun, right? - I like this shit. (laughing) - I also like tits, I think. - Yeah, they're great. - I'm a fan of tits. - Those fakes are big in Nashville. (laughing) - I see a lot of Nashvilleians with fake jugs now. - Yeah, bad ones though, I like bolt-ons. (laughing) - You guys have step-moms? - No, I have a real mom, not. - Oh, you're real one. - I have a step-cam. - But I call 'em dad, yeah. What, what was that? - That's so sweet. (laughing) - That was the first time I was right there. Holy shit. - When you said you hate when people pity you, I was like, whole. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, there's a little dove-sam. - She was like, aw. - Aw, sweet boy. Deep like catch with you. - Actually, he did not. He's not an athletic guy. - Oh, yeah. - That's hard. - I had to learn that shit on my own. - All right. - If I'm a kid, I'll play catch with you. - Yeah, yeah. - You're gonna play catch with your kid? - Oh, I can't wait. - He does it right now, and it is abuse, right? (laughing) - Maybe a little bit. - You put a little mid on him, you threw a heart ball at him. Pussy, you got a fucking catch it. (laughing) - That'd be great if you had like a dark side. (laughing) - Sports dad that none of us saw coming. - Oh, God. - Come on, you faggot. (laughing) - Pick up the ball. - Dude. - Like we never expected this from Mark, he's so. - My God, this is my pair. I don't want to joke about this yet, but faggene. So my dad has been married five times to three women. - Oh, please go back for seconds. - He's doubled up. - Yo, dude. Okay, my mom, three kids. Great, thank you for fucking her, I guess. (sniffing) And then a chins their name. Let's say Diane. - All right, Diane. - Okay, cool. - So, Mary's Diane, she got big fake bolt-ons. - Yep. - Big. - Okay. - Faggene Butterfly. - Oh, I'll try and get one. - Toon on our brass, you can see her, you get it. - Weird. - Yeah, my dad's like, I love this shit. - And who's with right now? - No. - That's number two. - Oh, okay. - Diane. - Diane. - I'm going to forget. - So, Mary's Diane, he gets their wedding date tattooed on his wrist. - Classic. - They get divorced. - Who could be coming to that tattoo? - Later, I know. And he gets a black heart over it for dead love. - Dan. - Wait, y'all. He gets married to Diane again. - That's three. - New date above the black heart. - Whoa. - Wait, are you ready? He gets divorced again. - No, you're not ready. - He turns into a playing card. Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. - They get made again. - Oh my God. - Same old. - Yeah. - This is unbelievable. - It's awesome. - New. - It's gonna be black. - I love at a certain point, they don't even, they don't, they don't, they're like, we don't trust us. - Yeah, yeah, right. - It's literally married again. - New day, it's right the fuck up here, right above the playing card. - Jesus. - Okay. - Uh-oh, we still got one more. - Deforestation. - Oh, of course. - Now he just wears like a watch over it for dead love. - We're not dead love, wait till time. - Dan. - Dan. - So that exists in the married, let's say, Marcia. - Sure. - Now he's married to her, is that five? - That's five. - Okay, yeah. - And he's still with Marcia. - Yeah. - Well, I don't know anymore. It was just a lot. Dan wouldn't, she used to get real mad if we drank her diet pepsies. (laughing) - This is a white trash hit right there. - Oh, dude, it was crazy. My dad, no, I shouldn't say other. - Yeah, you've had a couple of drinks. - I know. - This is going off the roof. - We could leave whatever you want. - Yeah, he's not gonna hear this, he's not a fan. (laughing) - He used to be a note turning. - Oh wow. - So I do believe that divorces were cheaper. - Oh, that makes sense. - Right, like you can represent yourself. - And he probably worked the paperwork, so he wouldn't get-- - Yeah, get fired. - Representing yourself, classy move. Him and Ted Bundy. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah. - Yeah, it's crazy. - What the fuck? - What the fuck? - Guys, always pull women. Like these kind of-- - Dude, my dad is very good looking. - Oh, okay. - Very good looking, very smart, very funny. And I took it all those compliments. - So she's a bad off-and-so, funny. - Yeah. - I mean, dude, if he was sitting here with us, you'd like a more than me. - There's not a chance. (laughing) - No, no, no. - No, it was just about him. I would've never liked him. - I think you'd be like, she's bullshit. If you're mad at him, you as kind of fucking rocks. - Have you seen the Charlie Sheen doc? - No, yeah. - It reminds me of Charlie Sheen a little bit. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, well, that's just like plenty of wives, drugs, booze, tattoos, all the things. - But the fuck-- - But he didn't walk out in a kid. I think that's true. - That's a pretty shitty thing to do for a parent. - Yeah. - So one that breaks my heart the most is my little brother, he's the only boy. - Mm. - But-- - But your older sister talks to him, but you and your brother don't. Why did, how was she able to talk to him? - I honestly, God, there is something weird that happens with older sibling. - Yeah. - She was just as much a dismiss. And maybe even more fucked up shit than me if I'm being honest. But she needs daddy's approval. When more than me and my brother do. My little brother, God bless him. I love that bitch, Liam Colley. His music name is Archie Summers. - Archie Summers. - He's very good. - So his Instagram would be Archie Summers? - Yes. - So he, uh, got diagnosed as well. - Oh. - About a year ago. - What are the odds? - Literally, I don't even know the numbers, it's fine. That's my brother, I'm fucking sweet as that guy. - Great head of hair. - I'm right. - Very nice, Archie. - Yeah, he's goofy as hell, I love him. Um, but he had diagnosed like a year ago. - And my dad never reached out. - Nothing. - Wow. - He reached out to you and all either. What a piece of shit. - I know, can we pull him up? I want to see. - No, no. - Don't pull him up. - All right. - For us we can, but don't pull down. - No, I don't want to give him any shine. But I just curious how handsome he is. - Do you want to see him? - Yeah. - Can I? - Don't show this to the folks at home. There you go, bleep. - No, I think he's spelled it wrong. - No, that's it. - He had it. - Sorry, okay. I thought she said something else. - Oh. - Wait a minute. - What the fuck? - Uh-oh. - Wait, that's so funny, it's all me. - It's all you good, you won. - I didn't, I like that, the ether. - There he is. - No. God, I was about to. We take away being a collie dad. Sorry, I'm too pretty and cool. (laughing) That way, that's not it, isn't it? - That's not it, the jeweler. - Oh, he's on the last picture. - Oh, he is handsome. - I know. - Let's see. - Damn, he's in a little bit. - It's like a politician. - Yeah. He's very good again. - Imagine him 20 years ago? - Looks like Robert Smith. - I know. - Yeah, my mom is hotter than he is. My mom is, okay, I kind of didn't want them to know. - She's the daygo. - Yeah. - Got it. - That is an Italian last name. - Look at that base, that's my mom. - I met her at the go-to. - Yeah, she is with the real housewife. She's fucking hot. - I know. - And that base was W, or she was a D1 athlete. - Whoa. - For a basketball. - I'll give her a D1. - Oh, she's, (laughs) whoo, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. - She is a-- - I just hung so hard that she didn't have free during the sexiness. - I'm gonna catch it. Yeah, hello mom, look at that. How about, how about? - Damn mom. - She's her on next week. - She's hot, look at that base. She turned 60 in a couple days. - Whoa. - Isn't that crazy? - Millful hurt. - I'm right. - Now who's got the beds, the jeans? - Yeah. - Both of them are curious. - Looks like them together. - Yeah. She could have fucked anyone else. - Hmm, fuck. The odds, horrible. - Yeah, they're kind of insane. All like her pretty shoes. - Very pretty. I'm size to it there. - Great, jet black hair. - A talent as fun. - Oh yeah. - You guys talk a lot? - We talk multiple times a day every day. - Ah, love it. That's great. - Yeah, I've never seen that hot as I shot the first one you've hold up. - Yeah, me neither. (laughing) Look at that. - I'll see you later tonight. - Hold again, she like in the New Batman movie. (laughing) - Sorry, yeah. I keep talking about my mom is on every bug that I'm going. - I'm gonna create it from there. People are gonna put it together. - Yeah, well we're Southern, you know? Instead of forever, our culture. - Wait, you're from New Orleans. - Yeah. - Hell it. - Wait. I'm a skankfest. - Oh, I'll see you there. - Have you ever been to one? - Yeah, I've been every single one they've had. Dude, this is my first one. I have a lot of fears in my heart. - Why? - It sounds crazy. - I mean, it's crazy, but it's, you'll be fine. Everyone who puts this like January 6th meets Juggalo, meets Comic Con vibe on there. - But peaceful. - Yeah, there are peaceful people that are respectful. They look like hell, but you're gonna have a blast. They're gonna treat you real nice. The show's gonna be horrible. (laughing) - Great. Jetsky Johnson's going. Oh yeah, I love Jetsky, Matt has her hoodie. - Oh yeah, I saw you wearing that yesterday. - Yeah. - Were you going, were you coming up on the road? - Oh yeah, were you? - Like right now, oh my dumb face. - I love you on punshup. - Yeah. - Rainy a beach. - Oh, Miami improv's great. - Hell yeah. - Dude, Miami don't fuck with me. They know I can't swim. (laughing) - So we got Dania Beach. Yeah, that's great. The Fort Lauderdale improv is a good one. - Doral. - The club. - Doral, that's basically Miami. - Yeah. - It's like Franklin and Nashville. - St. Petersburg, December 5th, December 6th. Then Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, that's a club done that club. Louisville. - Oh yeah. - Louisville. - Louisville. - And Mattia. - Good one. - I'm gonna slur it. - You kinda gotta have my accent to say it. - Fort Wayne, Indiana, at Summit City Comedy Club. Nice. Appleton, Wisconsin. At Skyline, man, they got you jumping around. Then Chandler, Arizona. Mike Drop Mania. You're on the road. You're hitting it hard. I love it. San Diego, Mike Drop Comedy. In January. - This is the first time I'm learning your butt. (laughing) - Plano, Texas. - Yeah, I'm starting to do weekends. - Hell yeah. - It's good. - It's how you grow as a con. - I'm very excited. I will say, the thing, like, definitely bad day is to my show. I'd love to see I won't roll over your toes. (laughing) But I know it's kinda nice. - Yeah, well, we can- - It's the biggest stress. - Weekends are great 'cause we'll do like a Friday in Vegas, Saturday in Denver, and you gotta fly and jump around and get on a bus, the weekend, you get like, you're there Thursday, it'll Sunday. - You get worked on, it's nice. - Yeah, I'm excited to be able to get, like, friendly with Odell's death. - Yeah. (laughing) - Oh, yeah, good point. - You're a girl, so I need to know. - Yeah. - Um. - I think here, are you out? You good? - Oh, shit, you're right, you're right. - There's one swig. Get in there. - It's just bear-wash. - Sip it. - All right, well, yeah, check out Fiona. You don't have a pod yet. - I do have a pod. - Oh, you got a pod. - Is that rampant up? - Rampant up. (laughing) - I love it. - I love the title. - Yeah, we're, no G, we're getting bored of it. (laughing) - Call me. - Yeah, Fiona call me. It's like, man, I call you while my dumb bitch. (laughing) Yeah, it's me and Matt, it's real fun. I love it. - All right. - Like and subscribe to the shit. - Yeah, check out Rampant Up. - Yeah, it's the end of the year. So yeah, so I'm going back to Salt Lake City for a second. - Woo! - Why is guys number 14 through 16th? And Reno Nevada, who shows the Atlanta's casino and then December 4th, Carnegie Motherfucking Hall. I hope I-- - Dude, that's amazing. - Let's do it. - Yeah, I've done that. - Punched up that live slash Sam Morrell. Yeah, I wish I went with you. The Jimmy Carr did our pod and he was like, "Come on, Carnegie Hall." And I was like, "I'm fucking tired." And I went, "No, I've done the Reno one." - Oh, it's good. - It's fun. It's big. - Yeah. - But it's fun. - Why ain't selling those out? (laughing) - Stop barking. - Hey, you might. - You might. Lincoln Theater and DC Chocolate Sitay. Kodak Center and Rochester and Niagara Falls, San Diego, prior Lake Minneapolis. I'm taking a breather after I shoot this special. - Hopefully we shoot something else now. - No, yes. - We'll see. - Good grief, I can't. - Yeah, that's my promo code. - That's awesome. - But yeah, follow Fiona on social media and see her on the road and listen to a podcast. She's great. - Yes. - And it's great to, I never really like chat with you. - I know. - And check out her TEDx. - Yeah, it should be out when this comes out. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey Bodega Cat Whiskey. - God. - I like it. - It's so good, Matt's obsessed with it. - He's trucking a bottle by there, it's a problem. - Hell yeah, you guys out and about tonight, you doing anything? - I we want to, I'm thinking. What are we thinking? - Come by the cellar. - Yeah. Are you all headed? - I'm gonna go up there I think. - I want to see Derek's trip, but the show started six. - Oh. - I know. - He's only on one show? - Well, it's his show. - Oh, he's doing an hour. - He's doing an hour. - Damn, well, you're there, I'm there late. - I'm there early, he's there late. So you'll see, if you come early or late, you'll see one of us. - Yeah. - Yeah. We'd love to have you. All right, thank you Fiona. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you, easy folks. Queep it up, comedy. ♪ Sunday's the day for my next spender ♪ ♪ A bit of fever recognition, the future's close ♪ ♪ I've had a little too much person ♪ ♪ And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post ♪ ♪ Yeah, I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ Up on the roof, what the cops come in ♪ ♪ And they can send you well as feeling dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember her ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪ [BLANK_AUDIO]