Ep 253: Whitney Cummings

no you look at look like you work out like crazy probably i do work out i don't know if it's like crazy i do um like weird body workouts i don't like go to the gym what is in your okay pedophile why do you just have candy this would be the saddest pedophile look at these look at these candies come on these are rough yeah um yo why do you have christmas candy in your shirt but every time i see a mint at a hotel a store i put it in my pocket with matches me too i like matches i love matches when rich people still do broke shit oh yeah when i go to fast food i have to get a handful of napkins yeah put them in the glove box and a water cup oh oh yeah yeah also and i get a club soda all of the mini shampoos and conditioners yeah i've got a whole thing at home of them i haven't bought soap in 10 years i just take it from the hotel the extra one it's horrible it's bad soap get some good soap on amazon amazon's cheap you get good soap i like the soap amazon's fake i'm hearing oh like a nice like i don't know i don't know what you use in your hair it's like nothing shampoo soap what can we really use in our hairs yeah whatever the hotel express or the holiday and express there's not much we can do with our hair um but that you can get what is the gefilte fish juice juice oh for the hair i thought it was a good idea i thought it was a good idea i thought it was a good idea i thought i was like that's a type of jew you're like you're a gefilte fish jew i like gefilte fish i actually think it tastes good you're the one is it always can it's like no you can get in a container it's like it's gutter fish it's like it's like a mush of fish yikes i like it well you have it like once a year and you put horseradish on it and it kind of i'd like it's good it's like anal you do it once a year with your wife horseradish the way you said it was very horseradish but i do you remember when i don't know it's so weird to quote the new york times you sound like such an idiot remember when it used to be a flex like so i read this oh yeah yeah it's like i'm dumb right the new york times yeah um or you're like trying to seem smart but there was this whole article about how chilean sea bass is fake i heard that it's all branding all fishes are fake yes they're all just there's no such thing as yeah and like certain type of salmons are bad yeah it's just a white fish you know same with haagen-dazs that word means nothing that was a two polish guys just said what's a german sounding word it's a fake but it's not even german well i just i think the word is supposed to sound German what does haagen-dazs mean? the product is still ice cream it's just ice cream just regular old ice cream ben and jerry's not even gay no i'm kidding one time i was sitting with um uh like an older like a lawyer in l.a who i love he's like a old school kind of lawyer and he was like in the music video when michael jackson's hair caught on fire he like came over to try oh wow type of people like we're with richard pryor whatever and um we're outside and i have this citronella candle you know because it helps like ward off bugs we're not he's like such an old candle i mean yeah i'm so sorry let me light it so the bugs stop yeah he's like oh is that what it's for and i was like uh yeah citronella and he's like i don't think it works and i was like no it's citronella okay that is known to war off yes and then he's like i don't think so i'm like how do you know he's like because my dad invented them they're fake oh wow damn there's a lot of pull it up i don't even know what citronella is it's a black chick i dated um wow i didn't know that either there's a lot of stuff like that but placebo effect is in effect i think it's more light i think i think i have a bulb thing i put in i think that works does it maybe it doesn't who knows it's all a lie damn placebo has some effect though so much it does yeah more than regular effect from what i understand but also studies are so did you ever do what did you do when you didn't have money what do you mean because i did studies i did i got paid to be in studies really that gal with the sleep study never that okay oh shit plasma and once you've done studies like that any study you see you're like no that's a bunch of people that needed fifty dollars who said whatever they what's the weirdest one oh dude i did a lot for depression uh like because if you see uh it was it would be like something like la weekly i don't know what y'all's version of that would have been like 20 years ago new york post or villain and it will say like ucla like are you depressed question mark like do you want to come be in the study and it's like probably i don't know but also like by the time i get to this study that's paying me fifty dollars to take a pill that has not been approved by the fda like i will be depressed like yeah you get there and they ask you questions and the longer you stay in the more money you get because it's like fifty dollars cash it's you and a bunch of like meth heads that are like shaking i mean it's truly like drug addict this would be a good game show it's by the way such a good idea yes yeah yeah this fall on fbc yeah i'm so hung over what what's your what did you do last night i had like a surprise birthday uh it was no like last week i was on the road and and liz rachel veter a bunch of people just threw us a norman sent a weird gift card to a bar when's your birthday august 29th oh happy birthday that's oh it's long over when this comes out it'll be like two months is that a leo virgo oh i got hammered i just got they just kept feeding me booze and we were at shade which serves bodega cat now you got that right fatty great choice they got a yeah yeah good time what was the after party we just kept hopping into weird bars the bars got weirder and weirder as it got later it was just me devito and uh matt ruby in a bar and i remember uh a guy who ran the bar was just telling me stories about getting fucked up with robert plant and i was like i think it's too late i think i gotta get the fuck out of here it was like 3 30 in the morning do you know those things i don't know the brands i'm sure we've all um you know robert plant not actually a plant we're just okay sorry not worth the uh interruption oh my bill maher interrupting woody allen over here all right keep going uh i haven't listened to that yet oh it's worthless he talked through the whole thing he wouldn't let woody talk he sucks wow check it out what i'm okay well you know what he's so old he's like and then when i did jade scorpion he's like i love that movie great movie uh changed my life and then he brings it back to him and you're like come on bill yeah what do you hear have you listened to it no i have i i saw the clip and i was like oh my god the clip's amazing because it was just uh bill maher being like what do you think of this movie and woody allen being like good not great but he's going through so many classes it's just cool to hear woody allen's take you know podcast now to try to get a younger audience too soon though one of the funniest things i heard was apparently chelsea handler was at a dinner with him and like a big party and she just said so how do you two meet that's fucking hilarious that's great griffin had an amazing story as well um that she should tell i don't know if she told it somewhere on a special or something but um about when she asked woody tv show and he said hey to montana he was dead serious and i was like that's either hilarious that's either hilarious he's leaning into it brilliant really it's like wild well he got kind of cocky for a minute i mean some of those movies like they were so on the nose that you were like i mean husbands and wives too you're just like gonna bang the student right man he's dating a 17 year old in the movie it was a different time it was it was a good he he saw women as equals a better time yes well the twist of the movie is not he's like i shouldn't hate high schoolers he's like i can't believe it didn't work out that's like the sad ending he's like we could i gotta grow up that chicken's on the school bus i mean i've whatever you what i just don't my thing with woody allen is this like glamorizing of that like men should be like it's okay for men to be scared of everything and like totally useless and worried about everything all the time never cheat i don't know about that no never she oh never she yeah but like just the idea of it's like it's a lobster what do i do it's just like that is so repulsive to me yeah well we're at war china's china's getting trying to just bought america can everyone pull it together well no one's saying he's a sex symbol he had to make a bunch of movies just to hook up with uh you know what's her face because i and keaton no right right right but that don't even well i hate that too like she's like she's like this idiot that can't figure out how to say goodbye she's just like oh sorrel yeah she's just like saying you know annie hall is a great movie this is a hot take i don't understand why we all have it's like it's like i also we don't all have it i think it's a great movie was smart or i'm not a feminist like i'm a bad no one said that okay these aren't all looped together she's an idiot that i'm like forced to like and i'm like i don't know i don't you're not forced to like anything we we love annie hall we talk about all the time it's supposed to be a horror movie it was supposed to be called anhedonia what pull it up so anhedonia you know what anhedonia is because you both have it which is uh the inability to enjoy the current moment because you're too busy mourning that the moment's going to be over soon you have that yeah so it was originally going to be called anhedonia right okay i'm correct google's not uh-oh and it's the most woman answer ever that's hilarious yeah i don't know anhedonia movie so wasn't he originally like the way that he cut it maybe that's why that if that's not true then i don't like it even more because the reason i was giving it a pass is because i was going oh i heard it was originally supposed to be a horror movie and he re-edited it so he didn't even shoot it it wasn't as funny as it should have been did you know that saw was supposed to be a rom-com i mean saw is an incredible the first saw i never saw it it's terrifying it's not my cup i don't like the torture porn horror genre i like the psychological ones and a cast and crew screening with a bunch of people who like knew what was gonna happen i was screaming i was like i was around the people that made it i knew it was fake yeah i knew it was i knew this person was the blood guy and i was screaming my head off yeah it's scary for sure but to me that is it's like when it's like you know this is fake and i'm still screaming it's like we know this didn't happen to him yesterday yes you know we know he's not dating anyone but he's still making me laugh the ultimate like good point so i always give annie hall a little bit of a pass because i'm like oh i thought it was edited to be a horror movie or supposed to be different it's got some amazing scenes in it the therapy scene where they're both in therapy that's a great scene oh yeah i mean it's got some amazing white people talking about how hard their lives are because they can't love it's a comedy well they're trying to work it out they're it's very that's like saying like we can't enjoy seinfeld because we're like you're complaining about mundane observations when there's a war going on in the middle east like no it's it's a comedy why can't you enjoy comedy i just um annie hall i guess for me the stakes just feel too high for what it is i'm here's the thing this is a little bit of a general reversal when it comes to woody allen i'm like can you just calm down just relax can you imagine if there's can you imagine if there's like a female movie star that was just like oh no i can't fight you would just be like she needs to be in a mental hospital right like that person is mentally ill yeah yeah like i don't think it's funny when men are incompetent do you like any as a person i'm scared i'm like who's going to handle the meteor well you'll hate us but uh do you have any are there any woody allen movies that you're like i like that one jasmine but i think that like but she's a female train wreck right totally so train it um no uh like legitimately in a insane asylum by the end right different character that i'd seen and i i loved it i think for reasons that are totally um uh super subjective which is like i love seeing dice be so good and he was good it was great fucking louie too look at that that's a great cast he always cast him in a way that i don't like but he's like i don't like people i think that's his uh superpower everybody wants to work with him so he does address the cancel in the pod for like two minutes bill maher brings it up and he's like yeah i didn't care and bill maher's like come on i had to hurt and he was like i made everything i wanted to make i i got in at the end it is good to get canceled in your mid-80s you got canceled that's the right time morgan freeman remember when they tried to come after morgan really and it sounds like he's creepy uh oh yes and he was touchy on set or he would tell people they were beautiful or something and i worked with um a makeup artist who had worked with him and i was like was he and she was like he told us all we were beautiful he'd be like hey sweetie he's like bring flowers and he was like she was like we loved it oh he was such a morgan freeman he was incredible like it was at that age they're not scary it's like i remember they tried to cancel stan lee at like 95 they're like he's groping his nurse he's 95 you're not in danger right yeah like it's like um bobby lee when he says he was molested by a retarded guy i'm like do you know if the retarded guy what if he just thought he was like like opening a cabinet like what if he didn't even know he was molesting you yeah i thought he was petting a puppy too hard but this makes me nuts because it's like okay we talk about sexism racism but we don't talk about ageism yeah it's big why aren't you like you know giving the 85 year old guy a pass that was by the way just groping a nurse is probably pretty progressive for this is not the way i thought you were gonna go yeah when i hear that like a 75 year man said tranny i'm like that was for him probably like a big step up yeah good point he was probably trying to use and we can't expect them to keep up with the lingo they can't keep up with fashion why would they why would they not say color they're hanging out on it at high school uh yeah lots in their pedophiles and why would they know the new link yeah they're not on snapchat yeah it is weird i remember hearing my grandpa once say oriental i didn't know i was like what is that i didn't know what that word was i was super young and i was like is that and my mom's like hey you shouldn't say that he just he's old uh he's not racist he's just old he's just old yeah meanwhile like asian people are like that's cool like what yeah i know my grandmother said colored but she didn't she had black friends now that's a lie but uh nice lady sweet lady you know it's like oh is it yeah what's it's like carlin's bit remember where they just keep adding like yes shell shock traumatic stress disorder they just keep adding words to it who's and also who's they what non-binary dork like it's also just like it used to be octopus octopi now it's octopuses it changes that right were they getting offended tell me if i'm wrong tell me if i'm wrong but um it's just wow it's unhoused yeah it just keeps going like i remember when it was qatar now it's cutter we're just evolving yeah it's a cutter you know it's like that goth girl's a qatar yeah yeah like do you just want to correct us or is this real what do we do remember kiev is kiev was that everything that was a thing yeah i got corrected on kiev with because ukraine the overlords they're all watching they're yelling at us we're all scared of them it's a horrible way to live yeah i'm sorry well that's the thing like who who are you so worried about you know we're always like cut that out cut that we don't want that out there but i'm like who are these people that are like i think it's the internet it's just the comments like we like we have to stop talking about it just it's not what i just are you guys on the dead internet theory at all what no i don't think any of it's real like it's not real like the internet like do you ever notice the internet's like my new theory like the internet something will happen it'll go crazy and it's just like bots yelling at bots yelling i'm literally i think that's a lot of it where i'm like do you guys need us for this it's its own self-sustaining just like rat king you know when rats tails get stuck together like that's the internet and yeah i think it's just it's not seinfeld calls it when you kick an anthill he's like it's just ants running around then they go back in the hole eventually like like that's what he calls all poor people though that was tom segura but also like let him have it like i feel like we're the bully like these people that we get to talk in microphones people listen to us and we charge people to listen to us talk like we get to be heard and someone else like i don't like your term and we're like fuck shut up that's true talk no one else i just try to disengage if it gets nasty because you're like because you get like maybe two nice ones and then you look at the third one and it's like shut up you fucking hack and you're just like i don't no i know but that's that's why i just i'm like let me just bail i'll post it and i'll post and ghost post and ghost i remember the first time getting a bunch of shit on instagram and twitter and you're like oh man and i went outside and i was like here it comes and no one no no one knows you the sun is shining the birds are chirping i was like oh yeah it's just on here i feel like everyone we talk to you're like yeah i mean can you believe they're like transitioning babies in utero this is crazy you know and then everyone's like and then you're like who are all these people it's like everyone everyone does this where's everyone yeah where are they it's all rage bait i think it's i agree with you that like it's always the most extreme example and you're like is this happening but those are addicts like anyone who's on the internet doing that that's addiction you know so it's that's just their addiction yeah i remember seeing the news stuff you're like don't go to san francisco the whole place is on fire and you're like shit i'm booked there in a week and then you show up and you're like here we go yeah i mean i remember an agent back in the day who was like uh we don't it was like when i was you know trying to get road weekends and you know you're getting some but then i remember they're like there's a fallout at a mall of america and i was like oh okay yeah some comic dropped out and i was like the same mall of america that all shabab says they're gonna shoot up this weekend and he was like that's not a big story and i go log on to cnn right now it was the front page all shabab to shoot up all of america i'm like hey gee i wonder why he dropped out he's like oh like are you gonna do it i was like no ah well it's still there i know but i but i was talking to joe list about it and he was like if you do it and you get shot up you're the dumbest fuck right so just don't do it and do it another time and i did or i did another club there or something yeah i sorry to do a hot take i think it might be good for us what's that getting shot up by all shabab like negative some negative feedback might be okay i haven't i haven't like drawn this line of thinking out i might pivot on it by the way like you know before like when you would do like tv or whatever you would just get like a rating that was like here's your rating and you'd be like oh we're yeah look they love us you know what i mean and that's all you knew yeah you didn't hear anything you'd hear like reviews or something you know and here's the best and same um uh howie mandel came on my podcast once and cracked me up because he was like i don't like performing in new york city and i'm like why what do you mean the crowds are amazing whatever and he was like because like you're at carnegie hall biggest night of your year you know you sell out carnegie hall like your name is on the marquee at carnegie hall for like three months it's like such a big deal then you go play you sell it out whatever how many thousand seats at it three thousand three thousand great and the reality is is that about seven million people walked by and were like no thanks that's one way to look at it so many people didn't come to the show yeah but also it's like it's expensive it's like you know even even your own fans are like i can't i get hit up like i can't afford it all the time you know and also a way to look at it is like i'm on the billboard or whatever for chicago theater i'm under a ringo star that's fucking insane it's insane it's like i'm under a fucking beetle i know that's cool as hell you know my dad's friends like send him pictures of it and he sends i didn't see and he sent it to me and i was like that's cool as hell so yeah that's one way to look at it but also it's like how fucking lucky are we totally that we get to do this some of the personalities in our business you're like i'm glad they have a couple negative comments on these monsters weren't coming after him a little bit even talking about that like the fact that like we negative comments should exist is so like our job of course they should understand human nature and the fact that we're still talking about this five years after negative comments are like you know it's so bizarre to me like we're so the the narcissism to believe we never deserve any negativity ever and that we don't understand human nature that like it's high school we're still in high school everyone's just trolling each other but billboard also said he came on podcast once and he was like yeah he's like if i was 15 and i looked up i would and my hero was on twitter i could read i'd be like hey asshole fuck you sure sure it's just kind of i think we're it's mental illness we have our whole thing is like i'm neurodivergent i've add well this person's addicted to trolling why don't you have compassion for them it's inevitable but also we rate everything like you uber rate it postmates you know uber eats whatever you rate it i mean that's a big part of my new hour is ratings like i i went to the anne frank house and i was like let me go on trip advisor they're rating anne frank yeah they're rating her house everywhere you go is rated you know like did you look up like the zillow like the price of the house with an attic yeah but also like we do it all day every day like to protect it's so funny that we're so blindsided by the fact that people are critical or have opinions or aren't like universally unctuous to us like i'm like walking down the street in new york and i'm just like this fucking asshole this fucking video this shirt guy like we're doing it all day every day in our heads of course of course well i guess it annoys me because young people are like compassion and be nice and you don't don't fat shame but then they'll be like you suck at the end of every episode we recently went we recently went viral for an ellen clip because simmons was on here and i saw it you everyone's yeah there we go and can i tell you something it's the kind of thing this is if we want to do gender card it had to be a guy saying it really i don't know ellen was mean to me like he just is like calm he was like it didn't really bother me that much but the younger i read some of those comments and they were still pretty like you know fuck this guy if he can't oh really yeah if he can't handle it but it's like he said he could handle it it was other people that right he worked every 10 years you know what it is it's you know you're a movie guy philadelphia story yeah oh classic yeah jimmy stewart you know your problem right no tolerance for human weakness and that's what we're doing when we're mad at people they're weak sad scared lonely people and we're like fuck you guys for making comments like they're just keep commenting for some people i mean you worked like i mean you've been a boss but you've also worked for like you know like roseanne was that was she a good boss awesome come on new york like truly awesome it was a dream damn it i just set such a great example uh for everybody just a fan of her tweets in general you know i just think she's just i think she's just like just ahead of her time um no i mean look i don't want to restart anything because she'll like make it a whole thing but i again we have to have compassion for people who are whose brains crazy function yeah but also i do think that that that i do think fame is breaks people's brains of course like major major majorly and i think that anyone that's we've just talked about ageism and i'm not going to bully someone who you know like a lot of the rosanne stuff it's like yeah well if you live on an island alone in hawaii and you're reading whatever you're of course you know why wouldn't this happen yeah it makes total sense like of course you know on a nut farm literally i was talking to trevor noah once and he said how he did the white house correspondence dinner and for they just would clip the parts that spoke to them so like on ms mbc's page it would be like here he is making fun of trump and on fox news they'd be like here he is shitting on biden yeah it's like no one watched the full thing they just watched the part where they live in the echo chamber what's their clicks on their side yeah that's all it is but it's kind of interesting i do hate when people go you know somebody writes a mean comment and i write like a blow me and they go i thought you were a free speech guy i'm like i am that's why i'm i'm writing blow me i you know that's my free speech yeah i do think a lot of times people and this is something i learned maybe like this is specific about what sometimes people are trying to be funny oh of course and failing miserably of course does not the same way a lot of art you should have seen me in oklahoma last weekend like a lot a lot of our tweets or whatever don't translate right now like yours yours both do very well actually but like sometimes theirs don't either you know what i mean that's a good point can i hit you with a peeve actually because this this came i sent peeves oh whitney is such a fucking whitney's such a pro you're a pro so so uh i'm hitting you with a peeve real quick i'm flying back i took you know i was flying back from oklahoma city and it's one of those airports where the flights you either get a 7 a.m. out yeah or a 5 p.m. out yeah you're like i'm taking the 7 a.m. obviously so i'm next to veder like like let's just try to doze off on the flight there's a guy behind me his kids playing a video game this is the peeve no headphones oh just use headphones that's not so loud it's so loud so i turn around and politely say do you mind just uh like headphones and he goes she's a baby and i go yeah but you're not you could do you could adjust the microphone you know just turn it down but i'm like he was like oh and he's like wanting headphones and i'm like i do and i still hear your dumb game yeah wait wait walk me there so how old was the kid very young but playing a video game i'm like she doesn't know if the sound doesn't matter drives me nuts so here's my peeve about your peeve oh here we go if if you if if that person had just gone i know like that you would have been like it's fine well here's the other thing if it's out of your control it's out of your control too we're like the baby screamed the whole flight and i don't care because that's how i get boners because it turned me on and i got off no i uh what are you yelling no but no but i understand you have a baby on a flight they're gonna cry it's it can be tough where are you going exactly yeah you knew a baby was coming for about a year and a half like where where does your baby have to be but you know uh no but that's i'm fine with that and he even a couple times like he's like trying to quiet like i get it you're you're doing your best but but the the noise from the machines because that's controllable that's controlled the baby is the baby's not right that's fair it's a fair peeve and by the way your baby is a maniac because you let it on these machines that's the other thing it's also you know what i mean that's the other thing yeah do this at home too you're not just doing this to placate the kid on the plane right so you're not a screen baby lady it's just like you're training a kid to be addicted you're giving a kid a drug that they're always gonna need yeah when you actually need it to work it's not gonna work i think like the best reason to not use screens besides all the you know billion like you know uh neurological reasons is you need it to placate a situation it's not gonna matter right you don't have that like trump card you know but i don't do screens uh yeah we do do youtube videos of monster truck rallies and that's pretty much it yeah that's his favorite yeah yeah oh that's fun so he's not gay that's a good that's a good peeve i also like i don't know if you guys have this like deep like pugnacious nature that you kind of never really get to act upon because we're not allowed but when they're like if there's a dog in a hot car i'm like let's go like hatfield and mccoy like and i was like oh the karen pipes up when it's actually justified when it's actually like a fight that someone needs your it's like i get so excited like when there was a draft in malibu i was like oh there's something justified and you're not you're not yes no you're not so uh there was a guy uh this was on a plane I don't know where I was going and a guy got a facetime call and went hello and the what race because that factors in I don't know you don't know I might know but not enough to be able to defend whatever you're about to do okay because I slide out of frame and I think it was actually like Jersey Italian all right that's white honestly thank God thank God that could have gotten ugly exactly hello in the hole and I was like I got it like please let me like please like I never get to do that Mark Mark literally laughs I'm super comfortable with confrontation and he's not we made it a part of it we're like yeah he can't do it yeah it's I have so many movie ideas I'm gonna I picture myself losing if I confront the guy well if you do it politely then they're in the right I mean you don't do it to like pick a battle you do just be like hey like we're a society right you have to be a civilized member of the society that's true so what happened did he oh yeah no no but I just love being like I volunteer as tribute yeah everyone in that moment is like they're they become like whatever childhood they had yes yes who's fight who's flight who's freeze and always fight and I'm like I got it Dan and did he shut it down I oh yeah okay how do you say it I'm the person who like if someone brings out perfume on a plane I'm like oh excuse me ma'am people get migraines like the answer is no wow yeah I'm impressed my thing is I don't really say much I think you just go like you have to just mean it and you just wait you have to just wait there and stare at them until they stop this should be a service I should be able to like call you task grab it yes grab it I wanted to do a um because it's four minutes away exactly exactly and I was gonna say like tis grab it which is not at all um funny but closer to the word yeah and exactly as comics you're like it's close to the word yeah it's funny um uh so many people I want to just like solve all the things so many people are complaining about like uh the other thing I feel like everyone's going it's like everyone's listening to my taking my data listening yeah but I was like dude I just I don't know why everyone's so confused about this like you just throw it off feed it data oh do you know what I'm saying yes you just lie in every day every day I'm like so like is it possible to eat too much kale like I'm about to go for a jog like if it's if it's a great point do you know so I was like what about starting a business where people will just talk around your phone while you're doing something to just throw off your bad behavior what's upsetting you is is it the ads is the fact that they know you know they're listening you know you're listening it's ominous real people scary if I I don't know um uh correct me if I'm wrong I know you guys will which is like I think it's more about your uh buying habits and the things you do affecting like your ability to get health insurance and stuff like that whoa like they can tell if you have a drinking problem by like how you they say they know it knows you're gay before you do that's true damn yeah I take my wife's phone when she's in the shower and I go fake tits fake tits fake tits just to really get that that ad bill they know if we have a drinking problem Mark our podcast is really drunk yeah that's true you guys might have a problem no but they can like um uh if uh you're using a mouse like older men and women when they use mice oh my God this is so funny that I'm phrasing something in a way where the words aren't used like a mouse is my is more than one mouse for a computer called mice well it's never more than one you would say the mouses yeah the mouse i've never said plural yeah i don't know it's the first time i've ever said more than one mouses mouses yeah that they can tell if you have uh onset like parkinson's drinking problem and they can drive your insurance up yeah because they can see do you know that they're just trying to pass this law in california now that it's the first law they've ever had um uh that uber is no longer allowed to charge you more because they know your phone has low battery wow that's a new law yes holy there was that one time they did the price gouging during a mass shooting yeah they can that's crazy because it's just because it's just because it's like a weird i don't know what the word algorithm is the word but some weird like you know robotic thing they're like oh no it's like if your battery is low they know you're just gonna accept any fare because you don't have wow that's genius i didn't know they were able to do that i didn't either no one makes money doing the right thing you can't make how else would they make money if it was fair yeah um am i on the road like yeah i'm on the roll up yeah i just took like uh summers i've just started kind of taking down yeah yeah i'll do a few but it's like july and august i did the great outdoors like the canada shows which i did those those are awesome those are awesome yeah you know i've been doing great outdoors like the canada shows which are awesome those are awesome those are awesome yeah i'm on the roll up yeah i just took like uh summers i've just started kind of taking down yeah i'll do a few but it's like july and august like i did the great outdoors like the canada shows which are awesome those are awesome those are awesome i love those but i think just like going to it's just everyone's hot it's just like yeah i just like think it's more fun to kind of like do in the fall so i'm taking so you go to like a buffalo it's a great comedy town but in the summer they're like we have two seconds of sun and it's like gonna spit it on your dumb cereal what's the cereal plant that's right there oh general mills general mills plant is right there it's just like um but what are your other pet peeves oh wait i got so i got one you know i love structure and then you have some okay this one's gonna be mean so buckle up because i feel guilty but it's it's the truth it hurts palestine kids are dumb yeah it's all fake but uh i had a flight i got bumped up to first class very exciting now i'm in the window seat it's the two seats first class cushy big armrest uh big console in the middle nice seats i get up the lady goes you can move on up sir to one b i'm like oh i got the window first class first row i get up there the fattest man on the planet i knew this was gonna be a fat one when mark said when mark said this is gonna be mean i knew it was gonna be a fat thing and i feel about fat the same way i feel about smoking do whatever the hell you want with your body but when it's affecting me now we got a problem this is secondhand fat so he's got you so this is we have similar issues it's both the flight issues both an issue where we're affected and he can control how much he eats see why do we hate billionaires so much if we don't we should also hate the obese why are you running away for this one because she's fat i did not because i didn't want the chips to make noise oh what a pro i really needed some chips oh so did he because this guy was a mess was he eating on the flight he didn't stop eating from the moment we took off and it was so sad because he's got the fat coming out here so his arm has to sit on the fat so now his arm is on my shoulder because he's so fat this is like beyond obese yeah isn't there something about like that level of obesity that it's like i don't want to say not a choice but like it's something dark is going on oh completely completely that's why i feel bad but but again we hate the billionaires because they don't need all that i'm like he doesn't need all that he doesn't eat a gummy bear every second but a billionaire has a lot of advantages being that fat sucks i know but why then why do it i don't think i don't think it's a disease i think it's hard to it's a good also some of it is about getting abused as a kid making yourself unattractive and unmolestable or something did you try to jones.science.net i believe that's where i learned that my wife wasn't abused but yes so but it was huge and then the lady comes by and goes we have a meal option it was early flight so she goes we have a frittata we have a granola with yogurt and we have french toast drizzled with honey and syrup and he goes i'll take the french toast and i'm like come on man you need the fattest meal with all the sugar and the carbs and everything where did we land on like i guess women were like the body positivity did that ever that's over that's all right oh no clearly but what did men even get any benefit in that or no yeah we got the dad bod for a while that's right women would be like he's got a dad and it's like cute and by the way they post pictures of like jason momoa and i'm like he's literally an action star not working out for like a week and a half yes it's not a dad but he's he looks amazing my guy is like like burly like that and i love it it's not like a belly but it's like he's like not ah i don't like abs the opposite beefy uh-huh i love husky beefy hey we might be drunk about shopify you know when you're shopping online you see that purple shop pay button at checkout that's shopify shopify is the commerce platform behind 10 of all e-commerce in the u.s because they make it incredibly easy to start and run your business shopify lets you tackle all those important tasks in one place from inventory to payments to analytics shopify even has hundreds of ready to go templates for your website to show off your brand style no coding required we love it we sell all kinds of stuff you got to get it we love shopify stop trying to do everything yourself let shopify take your business to the next level if you want to see less carts being abandoned it's time for you to head over to shopify sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash drunk go to shopify.com slash drunk shopify.com slash drunk there are a lot of things you can't fix drooling in your sleep night terrors but you can fix that ed with hymns hymns offers access to ed treatment options range from hard mints to trusted generics for 95 percent less than the brand names hymns brings expert care straight to you with 100 100 online access to personalized treatments stop sweating about the big stuff and let hymns help to get that simple online access to personalized affordable care for ed hair loss weight loss and more visit hymns.com drunk that's hymns.com drunk for your free online visit hymns.com drunk actual price will depend on products and subscription plan featured products include compounded drug products which the fda does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for details restrictions and important safety information we might be joining us brought to you by no cd people like to say they have ocd all the time oh i'm so ocd i like my desk neat real ocd is nothing like that it's full of terrifying thoughts you can't control that make you make you question who you are and rituals you do in an attempt to feel better or prevent something bad from happening it's overwhelming that's why there's no cd no cd is the world's leading ocd treatment provider they'll match you up with a licensed therapist who can help ocd is a serious and highly misunderstood condition but the right kind of help from a specialized therapist who is truly understanding of what you're experiencing and is trained to treat it ocd is extremely manageable at no cd every therapist deeply understands ocd they'll work with you in live video sessions to reduce those intrusive thoughts and compulsions look we all got a little ocd up our ass i know i do i got weird things and 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too fat very nice length from 26 to 38 it's easy to find your dream fit yeah these are perfect i mean you want jeans that are reliable that fit to feel good while you're at it go ahead and pair them with your whole wardrobe grab a pair of uh den khakis some shorts and their comfy crew necks and polo shirts it's finally time to stop crushing your balls and uncomfortable jeans by going to the perfectgene.nyc we might be drunk fans get 15 off your first order plus free shipping free returns and free exchanges with code drunk 15 at checkout that's 15 off for new customers at the perfect gene.nyc with promo code drunk 15. after you purchase they'll ask you where you heard about them support the show and tell them we sent you your khakis get the perfect gene i'm wearing khakis but they're not real khakis oh yeah see that doesn't look bad on momoa that's like a just a standard dude he just looks good but here's it like women like if i sit next to it on a plane a girl who's like really really thin like i know what's going on if i see a woman i'm like okay i'm like if i see a woman like i know like if i look at what i see do guys don't you know that's why i'm not waiting what do you mean what do you mean don't you kind of know psychologically what's going on with this man if you were really to just go like what's what's up no we don't think we're not as tuned in as the ladies no he's literally just annoyed that he has to share a room right now and then here's the worst part to go pee he had to do this one this is when you know you're a million pounds oh that's such a bum he had to like propel himself but that was incredibly athletic thank you thank you i've never seen you do an act that way i've never seen so actually that should be your thing i studied it i was like obsessed with this man quit leaning on a wall mark studying him he's gonna be in a whale like brendan frazier movie mark as mark's just like and the oscar and the uh oscars for best actor he's prepared to do stand-up in la once you know what's funny about the whale is you're not supposed to play a gay character if you're not gay unless you're nine million pounds because he was gay in that movie they just they were just by the way i always have an issue with all actors are gay when you're just like not even based on a real story and you're like let's just give this guy the worst life of all time yeah yeah it's like what screenwriter's just like he's gonna be 900 pounds yeah uh his daughter hates him right that's the whale yeah there he is i didn't even see it because i'm like i don't want it like nothing about this is like this is gonna be a good time don't you think he should play ronnie dangerfield oh yeah i can see it this guy not is not as the whale but yeah yeah but that face ronnie dangerfield is a fat gay guy i'll tell you i can't move in this chair i've never been this bad in my life no one will fuck me i can't see my dick i can't get no prep i don't know the yeah that i don't know the logic on that the fat yeah yeah it was crazy when you see people that are like you know sometimes you and you're like oh they're they want to lose what are you seeing them order a diet or you're like they're but when you see people that have um committed to it yeah like they've got the fanny but they've got they they're like this is me forever yes yes mentality 100 i think everyone's got their their vice and i think for certain people like food is an addiction and obesity is a disease the way alcoholism or gambling is a disease i think like gambling you don't see people yeah it doesn't show on your body unless you get your legs broken yeah but it doesn't show on your body but like food is it is oh i used to have serious like like overeating stuff really and for me it was like it's a control thing and it's an for me it was an isolation thing like i would binge but i wouldn't throw up like i would eat a lot and make myself like sick and then like cancel whatever like if i had a plan and then i have to cancel it it was like wow it was like a social anxiety thing that's dark what's your thing now do you think that's a great question because i love that your joke is still the person that does the most drugs that's go-to punchline is whitney and her drugs i do love drugs do you not do a lot of pills no i'm sober i'm sober wow i've been sober for three years yeah it's not like uh it was look the pandemic was like you know what made you just be like well i never did drugs or anything before the pandemic and then everyone's like doing edibles and truly every comic in la like in their pocket they have like um like a like a ziploc bag of of a brownie that is right wrapped in a wrapper from like the same guys that made like the five hour energy drink logo it's like there's just like red and there's like planets on it and they're like yeah and it's medicine though but it's medicine medicine so then i was like oh yeah like everyone thinks i'm so like manic and work too hard and all this stuff and i'm like i should like chill out right i should like smoke weed like oh you guys smoke weed and do mushrooms and that was like doubled down on me being like like that did not chill me out the la scene will peer press you in the wheat i've done shows how many shows this story but you're healing yeah tuesday night at midnight you are healed this cocaine is pure yeah those shows were like there's like 40 gift bags of just yeah i'm like i mean i feel really weird not taking it yeah yeah yeah i'm like do i know any potheads i can just give it i know oh you're toxic you don't want to heal like you're not chill like you're such a workaholic you want it is weird and i think i was just so like oh i think i worked too hard both my parents are dying like i should do this and then i there was a window where edibles did help me with sleep yeah they work with sleep and then my whole thing was like i'm not addicted to weed i'm addicted to sleep you know and then they got way too strong and way too unpredictable and like one day it'd be great two days later it would hit you like so hard yeah we got to like what are all these texts like why like oh like oh like why did i schedule a call with a maritime lawyer trying to figure out where the scientology ships are like it was like wow and so i'm just too manic i think yeah yeah that's the worst and i think that when you're like us you can you guys really are able to like be fun i think for me i just did too many podcasts for four hours where i was like like yeah but it also stayed with a lot of times when i did that i think you were actually on one that it was like me you and yannis or something yes and i hadn't if you take an edible the day before you're still just weird that's why i hate them because they're in your bloodstream and i had gone off prozac and prozac that's my 15 milligrams prozac did that help a lot i just do that to just close the loop on my like an obsessive brain uh-huh well do you think you have a vice like even like maybe working out as a vice for you i don't know i definitely have yeah that um what's your what yours would you say drinking probably yeah definitely i think over committing myself to things is definitely uh like i think the vice would be like it makes your life unmanageable or it's like a bad thing right yes i think it's um it would be that i'll over commit to things like i'll be like yeah i'm gonna do this show for skylar stone and long beach next week i do the same thing i'm not going to this show i know we all know i'm not going he told me you were going that's why i did it what the hell i'm can't like this is i think once you're like vices get dorkier it's like that right and then it's like i start feeling this adrenaline and shame and then i'm like i'm not going to cancel you know i'll do it that's another that's another peeve is people not taking no for an answer like i feel like part of the reason you you do that is because maybe this person's asked you to do it 12 times and you're like does it it's jury duty we're not doing jury duty stand-up i had a guy hit me up i'm doing vegas uh in september and he was like i like the guy a lot too but he was like let's go see david blaine before and i go he goes i'll bring you backstage you'll meet him i go i'm good i got i want to like be ready for the show and he's like oh come on it's david blaine you got to go and i'm like yeah i wrote all right maybe i'm still going to say no i'm just trying to stop the negotiation how come when a guy does this with the girl with sex it's illegal oh hey but if i'm making you meet a magician that's so much worse that's super good like you know what i mean you want to meet a magician come on suck my cock no no come on why can't you suck my cock all right maybe this is the whole thing when everyone was like like like louis ck is like doing whatever he's doing in offices i'm like a comic in pennsylvania the laughing skull just asked me to do a free show four times in a row shouldn't we cancel them yeah right shouldn't i cancel steve hofstad for all these emails right at least the jerk off ends yeah exactly there's a finish to it and so yeah so i for me i think it's a little bit of like that like shame hit that adrenaline hit yeah and then i'm like like oh i'm gonna just spend the day in long beach like i should go there and shoot it's like the it's all the same thing the delusional you know kind of thing but um i really don't i'm sure there is well that's a good one i gotta say i am a little bit um i don't think i have like the shopping thing because i buy like vintage stuff but i'm a little bit and maybe having a kid is because every drug like you can talk yourself into anything it's like people are like no well red wine's good for you it's healthy you'll always find the thing i heard i heard andrew huberman on on bill maher being like uh i heard him being like uh uh two drinks two drinks a week max yeah oh no he's like that's the man he's like two drinks a week max i'm like i'm killing every guy's roofie game this is what this is the second one this week though but she needs a drink not you technically but my new thing is like i have to go on ebay and find the monster truck the gravedigger because i already have two and what if he loses them so it might be like hoarding yeah yeah yeah i get you i'm like buying like your hoarder a little bit no i think i'm just like your place i've seen your place it's like it seems so neat pristine yeah oh yeah no i think that when you're a hoarder and you're if you organize them well it's a collection it's like a samaya it's like i'm not an alcoholic that's like a dimitri martin joke yeah yeah i like that that was a good time but yeah so it's like that and so i'm using my child to feed my adrenaline addiction of like ordering but over committing is a good thing i think it's a good thing but yeah so it's like that and so i'm using my child to feed my adrenaline addiction of like ordering but over committing is also i think a sign of someone who's like people please people please but also like you can't stop working definitely like because you do seem like you work non-stop that's really interesting like people say that about me like i i think i i don't know how to answer that except the the trick about workaholism is oftentimes you're actually not getting anything done you conflate busyness with actual productivity that's big which is why we have a typewriter bond over here which is like last night i left my okay so i take cabs that's my kink maybe this is my over ubers you mean i take cabs oh me too i love okay i love cats i've taken ubers but like it's only in like a must-do situation i prefer the cab dude i divide people in who takes caps and who doesn't because i can only really attune to people to take out people that don't take apps like don't know what's going on in the world they don't not not everywhere are you talking about new york anytime i go to a city i try to you call the company nope you just go out the airport usually there's a cat oh the airport it's the fastest like no one's given that this is where i get my news mikey's been with me where i'm like where are you from like ukraine i'm like what's going on can you tell me because this is what i've heard and he's like what like you that's the only way you got a white cab driver get the hell out of here in ukraine come on st louis okay when you have boots on the ground i'm like where are you if i get a female cab driver what's going on with roe v way yeah what's happening there why do you think i'm driving this guy all right And so last night I get in, get this cab, and give them cash. Because I'm like, I got a credit card, you know, a taste of whatever. I can tip them, whatever drops me off. I get inside where I am, and I'm like, left my laptop in that cab. Left my laptop in that cab. That's brutal. With Uber, you could attract it. Uber, I could. And if I paid by credit card, I could have gotten the phone number of. So I'm just like, just total raw dog. All I have is find my iPhone. I have to find my device. Okay, okay. That's something. But it says it's like near Madison Square Garden. I'm like, great. So I get in another cab. I'm chasing the find my whatever. And I'm like, did you drive me? Me? Anything? And I was like, this is addiction. This is so, it was like midnight. And then I'm on this street between like a bodega and something else. And it said it's right here. Which means it might have just been last open there. There's a backpack on the street. Okay? There's like all kinds of crazy characters. I was like. Open the backpack. I'm looking in. And I was like, I could literally get murdered, right? This is the most drug addict. Yeah. All these drug addicts sitting around. And I'm the one that's like. Oh, wow. Where's the thing I can easily replace and back up remotely at any point? Like, I don't need this right now. And I was like, this is really dark. That is dark. And I just was like, you know what? You can have it. Whoever wants it, take it. If he got good for him, he'll go sell it. Whatever. Sure, sure. And then I got home and I was like, I felt so liberated. I was like, oh my God. I'm like writing a notebook. Yeah. Because so much. Many times I'm on my computer and I'm like, iMessage. And I'm like, I need to Google this for a joke to see what Burning Man really looks like to write. Because I can't write this joke unless I read the sub stack. Like, nonsense, delusion. Jokes aren't actually getting written. Scripts actually aren't getting written. So I'm like, I'm going to write a notebook. This will be so good. No distractions. I wake up this morning. She's like, hey, they dropped off your laptop. I was like, shit. I was so pissed. And like the idea that this cab driver was like, I don't want this thing that like tracks your data. Right. Right. Like, I don't want to like. What a sweet guy. How do you find it? They don't even want it anymore. But he knew where he dropped me off. Oh, that's not nice. Like at the front desk. Oh, my God. That's a great guy. But they don't steal. I'm like, you're not even going to steal this? Yeah. You sound like you have bad ADD. It sounds like you're like, do you take anything for ADD? I'm not the person for it. I don't really believe that stuff. Really? Yeah. All right. You haven't talked to you. You haven't been interesting to me. Oh, shit. No, I don't not believe it. Free speech. I just think it's like. Free speech. Free speech. All right. It's like ADD, OC, all this stuff is like, I think it was all really useful to us like a thousand years ago. And now we're all just like, you know. Interesting. We're living in an environment. Nick Griffin's got that great bit, you know, we're overstimulated, you know, it's like there's cheese in our crust. Yeah. Everything. I love that. You know that bit where he's like everything, you know, PSP, all this stuff. Your kid's not, he doesn't have ADD. He's paying attention. Yeah. That's the bit. That's good. Also, as a parent. I butchered it. But look up Nick Griffin's. Everything that used to be ADD. To feel like hypervigilance and ADD for me, like comes in so handy now that I have a kid because I'm like, like, I'm not one problem has his head on one corner. I refuse to baby proof that. So that table's too heavy. It was too expensive. You're going to have to just walk around. It's all the things that made me used to think I was crazy. Like, I'll just like, like, yeah, come superpowers when you have a. That's great. I mean, that's when you need all the things that are so crazy about women. Once they have a kid, you're like, oh, thank God you're that nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like autism. They go, oh, you're autistic. And I'm like, well, that's why I know every capital, too. Yeah. Yeah. So there are upsides to it. You mean smarter than you? Right. I don't. I have yet to, like, I was diagnosed with autism. I beat it. All right. I got a weird one. OK. We're talking about vices and weird vices. I'll do a thing where I'll hear something. Like I heard, you've got to put a spoonful of salt in your water every morning. Is it like get your blood flow? Can we look that up? Is that good? And I bought this like crazy Himalayan sea salt that I would put in the water. And I was like, it hurt me. It just, I was dehydrated. I was eating so much salt. But I bought it. Were you not doing it right? Can I bum you out? It was one of these Huberman things. I do think. Oh, there we go. Helps replenish the lost electrolytes. Sure. But I think I overdid it. Which this study is paid for by what? Hydrate the little powder salt patches. Yeah. Like it's like. Those taste pretty good. I don't mind them. The thing is, I think the, is it Himalayan or Himalayan? I don't know. It's Himalayan, right? Oh, jeez. I think it's Himalayan. I did say one time the Himalayan sea salt. And the person went, Himalayan sea salt coming right. Like instant correction. I was like. It sucks when someone points out something so obvious. Oh, when you're like Caribbean. And like, I love the Caribbean. Yes. You could have just said it the way I said it. Like mirror neurons, anything. But Gary Brecker talks about how. He's good. Actually only Celtic sea salt doesn't have. Because that salt is from the water that's full of mercury. We've seen the people. People who go to the beach and they fill it up with water. The water from the beach. And then they put it in a pan and they cook it. And they're like, salt. And you're like, that's not. That's not the way you're supposed to do it. I've never heard of that. Wow. But wait, so it hurt. Oh. So yeah. So another thing I did was I heard that banana peels are good for like your yard. So every day I would just throw in a big patch of dirt in my front yard. And I would just throw banana peels in it. And my wife was like, we have 38 dead banana peels sitting on dirt. What are you doing? And I'm like, I heard it's good for the soil. And she's like, yeah, you got to dig in and put the banana peel or cut them up. I take back what I said about autism. You are autism in a way that is. That Rick Glassman pretends to be. But. No. Rick is fucking autistic. He's ADD too. No, but. Rick is certainly autistic. It's funny because the putting the salt in every morning, it is funny because it would be like, or don't drink at like noon. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're like salt's going to get. Exactly. Exactly. And the things we do to like whack a mole. Right. You know? So true. I always think when I hear these studies, like don't, you know, you can only have two drinks a week. I'm like, oh, I get sunlight and I go to the gym. How else am I going to get water? Yeah. Yeah. Hydrate, you know? It's a vodka and coke. And I remember one time I did have a therapist say like. Smoking might be good for you every now and then because at least you'll be taking deep breaths. That's a bit. That's great. That David Tell's doctor? It's the only way to like. So like drinking might be good for you because you'll be making less. Well, Guinness is supposed to be. I looked that up too. Oh, really? Because when I had a baby nurse, she said. This is like facts for dumbasses. To help with, you mean a podcast? Comedians giving health advice? It's all batshit crazy. I actually heard. I heard a Tell's trainer. He saw this trainer for kettlebells. And he sees this one trainer because the guy lets him smoke during sessions. Wow. Which is amazing. Also, though, if we're alive, take advice from us. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? If we've managed to survive our lifestyle and what we're doing. Yeah, Mark's drinking in the afternoon and I barely made it here from a hangover. And you beat us, sadly. Okay, can you get. Here's my pet peeve. You're a producer putting up my bio on a screen. Well, she's got to leave in 15. I have 15 minutes. I want to hear. We've even heard. I'm going to the Eagles game. Oh, hell yeah. When are you a football fan? Peeves. Okay, my peeves. I did send them in. Oh, where should I start? Okay, well, we kind of talked about this a little bit. Being negative about things that dumb people like. Oh. Like labooboos. Why can't they just have their little. What's a labooboo? They're like the little stuffed things, right? Oh, like a beanie baby? Why is like. Why can't they just have it? Let them have it. Are people trash them because are they super expensive? Is that why they're getting trashed? It's like a beanie baby. Yeah. It's like another. It's like another one of these sort of like hype things that gives you cloud if you have one and you can post it on your thing and it makes you feel special and you know, it's obviously, you know, like this, it's a trauma response to something, but people like collect them and I'm kind of like, good for you. Yeah. We're on the labooboo in studio. I love labooboo. By the way, it's actually. I'm kind of one of the labooboo in here. It's better than honey booboo. It's such a, it's like so off brand and random. It's kind of fun. Seven grand. Yeah. Oh, it's a whole thing. Wow. It's like never tulamania. It's like that. It's like a bubble. Let's get a fake labooboo in here. You know, it's the end of society because adults are collecting labooboos. It's like, this actually might be the thing that holds the most value. It's like when I see, it's like when I see a super rich guy be like, like Jake Paul or someone wearing a Pokemon card around his neck. I'm like, what are you doing? That's weird. You're so rich. That's weird. Why this? It's a flex because that's probably like a $10 million car or something. I know, but it's just like, you could, I guess he has bought everything else. I guess you, you're that rich. You're just bored and you're like, I'll just get whatever weird thing. Yeah. Well, this is actually the weirdest. Like thing about Ellen that I had no, when you went to Ellen's like studio or I've been one time I like hosted it and there was like in her office, she had, um, a vintage fencing costume from like the 1600s. Okay. But it was like, God knows how much it costs. Like it was like some Southern and you're just like, what's, is this just like, like what is that? All these people that are making like five grand a week or whatever, working hard. They're just like, this is like, you just have to make it. You have so much money. You're just like, is this my, like you could have gotten a fake one too, or had nothing in this corner. I love this scene in a, in Ted where Joel McHale's character is just showing off his wealth and he's doing all of these paintings and then he, and then he gets to one and he goes, that's Lance Armstrong's nut bronze. That's his flex. For some reason that just hit me so hard. I think true wealth now is buying something that you don't even want just so someone else can't have it. Damn. It's the, that's the booboos too. It's like, I don't even want this, but I don't want you to have it. I got your insulin, but that's like Ellen. I feel like she was just like, I don't even want this, but like, I don't want someone else to get it. Like that's the thing. Farmer bro AIDS medication. Or there's, or there's just like a power move to your employees to be like, this is from the 1600s. Yeah. And I think this is more valuable than your time. This is just like some guy's outfit that's still dirty or something. But, um, but yeah, it's a weird thing to be, cause it's one thing to be interested in history, but that's such a random thing to watch. I think it's just like, I want it. - Right. - I've been just throwing my office. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. has that with the cars too a little bit like i need all these cars this is a one million though i love cars too are you a big car person i get cars now so um first of all with the pokemon thing and all that stuff i used to like that used to drive me nuts i'm working on a bit about it also this is another pet peeve why can't comedians just say something without giving context of if they've talked about it before if we're working on it which really we talked about this the other day in the parking lot remember no one cares like we had like jordan judson i just tried to get through a podcast where we didn't say like we were talking about this earlier about yeah we don't want to get busted right the same thing twice or something yeah um but uh that guys like collecting toys now it's like every guys have like a marvel like you're 40 like why do you have the pokemon whatever but now that i have a son it's like the main it's like you have what pokemon card how many lightsabers do you have whitney's a fun mom yeah because my guy the biggest red flag is a whole thing of zelda stuff uh-huh um uh it's new ninja turtles he has a giant teenage mutant ninja yeah and every time i'm like why are you in pain where put your shorts on henry's coming down where's your ninja turtle right it's like everything that sucked now that i have a son is like but cars getting into monster trucks like has really like i have one vintage car silverado 81 um and i like can we pull that up i love trucks like i love vintage trucks yeah interesting i'm not a vintage like uh sports car guy i don't know anything about him but i think it's just more like nostalgic i think growing up i probably had some kind of like that was the first yeah that's pretty cool mine's like a mine's like a like brown do you feel like it's safe to drive or is it kind of just to have um i don't i live in california everyone's on drugs it's not safe to drive anything anywhere but yeah it is kind of like that one on the phone right yeah that's a cool looking car i just i don't know there's something like sexy about it to me either so i just like even having in the driveway like like putting stuff in the back like and making a little fort out of it for him like it's just have you seen this basketball player look up devin booker's car collection because he's got some crazy do you have a car in new york i do i got a 1973 bmw o2 whoa and no one wants to get in it because it has no seat belts i haven't i haven't insured it no airbags nothing okay but it's a great car that's sick are you gonna uh restore it it's already restored i already did it get it functioning it's fine it works but you can't have is it illegal to not have seat belts of course oh okay i got it yeah but i still i'm riding dirty okay but it's what would you get fined oh yeah i would go to jail that's a cool car right yeah wow jesus it's a 50s bel air so yeah i'm kind of like it's just one of those things i think that as you like get older and have less vices you're like i'm i like excellence in it i like excellence like i like something that is like clearly like i went to nascar i got to wave the flag at nascar it was a pretty big deal it was actually kind of a weird like career high i was like i was pretty psyched but i'm obsessed with the um crew pits like oh it's unbelievable dude it actually gives me goosebumps like seeing men actually um be useful um this is when you've been in l.a for too long that you masturbate to um they're so quick yeah and the way that they do it and like i just love sort of uh oh my god that's a nice pick cute is that what you wore to do the flag come on well yeah i wore like a jean dress like jay leno you gotta you gotta get a skimpy skirt i think car people like denim i think that's what we're finding out i guess so sydney sweeney um yeah it was really cool oh that's fun it was so sick wow you see that drewski thing where he did white face at a nascar no oh my god it's unbelievable oh is it funny yeah it's so funny yeah it's incredible it's like the eddie murphy thing yeah right yeah i remember when eddie murphy that was such a classic snl sketch when eddie murphy goes uh he he was undercover as a white guy and the last black guy gets off the bus yeah and they start giving out cocktails to everybody yeah yeah and everybody goes they're like you can have it you're one of us oh wow look at that i mean look at the makeup job he got all the way white bodied and then he just had fun with the uh the white brethren yeah i do think nascar is kind of fascinating because it's like what are we watching like what are you actually watching are you an f1 person you know what not as much it's a little elitist for me yeah but i'm sure it's cool i don't know much about it i watch i just watched the movie with brad pitt it's good but it's like two hours and 40 minutes it's like there's no reason there's no reason a yeah a blockbuster summer type movie should be too it should be like an hour i think movies are like for planes but it was it looked gorgeous and and he's amazing he's always amazing and it's it is fun as hell yeah hearts but like what are you are you are we kind of waiting for a crash of course of course that's what's crazy about it is you're like i hope it doesn't happen but if it happens be cool if i was here yeah i don't want it to i do not wish it it's like that it's like in hockey when you're kind of like i wouldn't freak out if there was a fight of course fights are fun as hell you know but then you're kind of it's boring except for you know someone could die until a good year bounces into the crowd and hits a lady right in their one tooth and it's which has happened pull that up like the one that i went to is in phoenix i couldn't make daytona last year but like immediately there was a little bit of a like guy hit the side and it gets so quiet oh yeah so quiet and everyone's just like it's kind of like our gladiators in a way it's like same with ufc so is ufc ufc i i like that's why i like monster trucks i like wwe i like oh you like wwe love i love knowing that someone's not actually going to get hurt i know all these guys do get hurt in ways you know but like no they don't age well yeah but i think there's something i there it is like god they have a big persona they had to do like years of grinding in these gyms i like we're here to make you laugh like right monster trucks and i'm it's a show i'm always fascinated by what makes comedians laugh because we're you know oh yeah and like monster trucks i was dying because it was so silly and there was something i think that like it used to be like edginess was like sex that's all anyone talked about like like i think there's something kind of like punk rock about being like wholesome sure just being like fun and goofy oh nate bergatzi's like the clash now he's religious you know he's not political yeah it's just you're like he had the balls to say he believes in god like that's crazy it's like mega death you love your wife whoa whoa can you say that you need to cancel it so yeah that's we want action i mean you don't watch cops for the uh the traffic tickets you know you want crack up the ass you want a black guy getting stomped out you want you want that would be a hilarious cops if it was just like just the most just misdemeanor just yeah the most minor like we pulled you over but we're going to let you off this time yeah this show sucks that would be funny i think you add this sort of is a good segue into your um you guys asked for recommendations for movies do you guys do that now yeah last time yeah uh we were we were two in the zone yeah yeah so when we're rolling we forget sometimes um or can i just remember like i don't think i did it on the show before because if i say this and i've said it before just i'm gonna blame mom brain forever how long has your wife been blaming mom brain oh i mean yeah for years yeah baby six months um but labyrinth oh classic i'm a obsessed with movies that went over your head when you were a kid or yeah this one right here yeah it's really good david bowie dude you go back first of all they were on the most lsd oh yeah they were on so many drugs i also love the behind the scenes if you go on youtube behind the scenes of the making of labyrinth with jim henson the documentary about jim henson that was on apple didn't really cover a bunch of labyrinth and i think it's because they were on so many drugs but the cheat codes in this movie it is i always make fun of chris de stefano because he loves the stoics like but there is a lot of stuff in this movie it's a lot of stuff it's a lot of stuff it's so much like stoicism what is this i haven't oh okay um and uh oh they use real babies look it you know you're gonna watch a baby get abused but like we need adversity you know um and then when you see them doing all of the puppets the way that they choreographed it like it is so sick but yeah what the movie is about you're just like like it it just what is it i haven't seen it in 20 years what is it about it's about how you give other people your power and get in your own way that was neil brennan's podcast and it really is it's about this girl who's like you know it's going through a labyrinth basically yeah everything that uh young connelly oh and then ludo oh connelly's pretty good too i agree she's the best of the best what was the poor man's labyrinth with tom cruise mystic method not space no no no no i know tom cruise i don't know mythical uh something like that method mythical religion no no no i thought it was uh tom cruise it was it was like the crystal dark crystal no it was like dark crystal i feel like was the oh okay weird like pepsi to this code dude minority report was underrated that was solid he was a five-year-old and he was super young legend oh yeah i don't even i've never even heard of these yeah story two around i feel like you're too busy watching a guy not be able to figure out how to pick up a lobster that these are the movies that had like i can't watch things with horses in them but like these like this is like lsd yes like everyone was on mushrooms and lsd when they made this sort of core what is it what would you call it like wisdom core or like gothic core fantasy fantasy core this is like the first of the uh uh tim what is it what are the red fair people what would you call that yeah gothic god sure yeah that works with like wisdom wisdom yeah david but i'm a sucker for a famous musician starring in a movie that just like desperately seeking susan like it's oh it matters because it's madonna like labyrinth couldn't have really happened with like stephen seagal or like kirk douglas or whatever you know what i mean it's just like that's david bowie dude yeah what are other what are other movies starring a musician mariah carey one of my favorites from justin to kelly for sure big time i love a you're so famous we don't even have a moon struck with cher by the way soap dish i think was also cher cher like did a lot of movies oh yeah lady gaga star is born oh yeah oh yeah i like when they're like we don't even you're famous we don't even have a script but we'll just make a movie we'll figure it out later right i love that crossroads with uh brittany tom wait's pretty good actor oh yeah who tom waits yeah um uh there was was it called geely did i have that right that's real that's jennifer lopez but that was like her and ben affleck that's what they met right yeah because usually goes the other way like like jared leto gets famous and he's like i have this band and i need to start a cult and bring my fans to my island not weird at all um steve martin's like like i'm famous so you got to listen to my folk band oh yeah all right we'll do it oh yeah we love you doesn't witty allen play like the recorder at like clarinet yeah yeah cool cool cool it's worse than the girls played thanks girls play in third grade yeah it's like the thing he's like fourth best i don't want to i want to see the other stuff his stand-up was great dude that album killer killer uh my wife oh when he's using the bodyguard oh that was iconic because there are some things i like when they go you oh like you have to be a famous musician to play a famous musician it's like i love that because it's like you know when you see someone play an athlete you're just like i can't yeah unless it's like kevin costner he kind of pulled it off i feel like baseball is different because baseball yeah dudes can look or golf yeah you're right like also golf like tin cup you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah legend of bagger vance or something oh that one that was rough yeah eight mile like it's actually that's sick yeah there's a lot of good ones actually oh yeah also beyonce i love something that's just like i'm camp i'm here to just entertain you uh what was the beyonce movie with ellie larder where she just tried to steal her man and it was a horror movie about a white woman trying to take your man what yeah i remember this that's such in like in the black community that's such a fun like horror a white woman with skinny lips takes your man what do you do yeah wow that's a hot sex it's a hot cast yeah and the honky's not bad either this is a fun little yeah she's an attractive lady too yeah thank you for cleaning that up basically what's the one with um uh uh demi more i love that genre of movies too right when women started coming into the workforce the movies that were like when she's the boss and she makes kirk douglas like oh it's michael michael douglas yeah sorry that would have been a better movie michael douglas your old he's at hospice he's like oh i love that kirk douglas's whole like thing he was pigeonholed as the guy that every hot woman like wants to be yeah like yes sleep with them it's like fatal attraction exactly yeah he's always in like a leather bomber jacket have you watched fatal attraction recently no you want to do a mystery science theater like it would be so good let's do it dude i'm telling you should we do that that'd be amazing it's such a just to like talk through how insane first of all the scenes were so much longer back then someone would get out of a you would just 20 minutes later they'd walk in the house it was like yeah but michael douglas every room he enters in uh uh uh what is it you just said disclosure yeah no fatal attraction he like jumps in the room it's actually kind of amazing he like runs and skips and jumps like kramer yeah there's it's so funny like i love fighting he was just his whole 90s was just i'm in bang chick thrillers but also remember um uh uh what was it uh not single white female what was the other one the baby don't let the babysitter what was it rock the cradle so you know she's hot you know um there was that article about how the that movies play on the fears that we all currently have so like zombie movies are about our fear of homelessness whoa and that this genre of movie about women going to the workforce like you're gonna leave your baby at home like the babysitter is gonna you know sleep with your husband and take your baby like just leaning into the what was changing around that time or whatever oh there was a genre of like if you're a woman and you get a job your whole life will fall apart they were like warning movies they were like no you can go get a job big big working girl right see what happens well that's why women like true crime because it's just the scariest thing possible it's like getting uh banged and thrown in a river or whatever it's a good summary of uh forensic files thank you why is this chicken can i tell you something i have a weird like does anyone notice it's kind of like no one's talking about that anymore like murder's kind of over we just need a good one because i think we had a run of killer like the jinx was incredible making a murderer was good staircase was incredible number one yeah so i was like we had a run of just there's been no good murders there haven't been a lot i mean murder you got to step it up but also like i i'm obsessed with like we've become kind of desensitized to murder totally like we're calling murder ice pick like i'm seeing it all right like ted bundy was a sex symbol yeah for a while yeah but it's just like the fact that it's not a sex symbol yeah but it's just like the fact that we were really into murder for a while now we're like ah interesting so what are we gonna do now yeah what's the new one war like the new kink the new kink has actually maybe come from listening to some murder podcasts the new thing is trying to stay alive as long as possible with ice baths and we're doing salt in the morning right doing ketosis and we're gonna live forever like we want to live forever now yeah i don't feel like i'm gonna live forever right now it's so funny because it's like l.a versus new york podcasters or maybe l.a i could put that in the chat box but i'm not going to put that in the chat box but i'm going to put that in the chat box but i'm going to put that in the chat box but i'm going to put that in the chat box but i'm going to put that in the chat box but i'm going to put that in the chat box versus new york podcasters or maybe l.a i could put in with austin they're all just like you go to their podcast it's just like wheatgrass just like there's an ice bath you've like get in the sauna and you guys are just this is like you have breast implants and just like you're actually drinking for real during the day like alcohol oh yeah you i think you have a new york-ish energy i could see that because i think that's another reason people might think she's a workaholic it's because her energy it feels like very new york are you east coast originally i'm so sorry i don't go on podcasts and complain about my depression uh and is that where's that no i just mean like when people say like it seems like you work a lot i'm like you guys i i can only know it's a good thing but you guys you guys probably work more i work we treat comedy like a job yes and people i'd like just because i don't only do stand-up for the 20 minutes a day that we're actually on stage during the week people like she works so much actually louis ck um uh i'm you know what let's talk about all the people that have been canceled the good things they did for women okay it was louis ck actually you guys this might get a lot of women louis ck encouraged me to keep doing stand-up worst thing you ever did no i remember that i came out of um the improv once and i i was very uh very i've probably been doing stand like a year and a half two years and at the time in la you can do a lot of spots you just have to go to like pasadena and hermosa and i would start at four i would go there's this open mic called bliss and then you go to this bowling alley and then you go um it was more like rooms you know yeah like sushi restaurants like you know and uh he was like talking to me outside a bunch of and i was like sorry guys i have to go i have to and i was so trained to be like feel bad for how many spots i was doing so i was like you're gonna do another spot like it's seven o'clock it's wednesday what do you have to do you're done what else am i doing you just ate shit like with a bad facebook joke for twice like you're just done for the night and like so i was like running around and uh i was like i gotta get to a spot like i have like three spots and i know i'm like crazy and he's like no that's that's what it takes yeah like he was almost like yeah you're not gonna do it you're not gonna do it you're not gonna do it you're not like special for like and i was like how matter of fact he was made me realize like oh it's not normal to do one a night yeah good like he was almost like only three wow okay that's if he thinks it's got it louis i just ran into an 18 year old kid on the street just like he's like i'm a comic and i was like oh wait so we chat for like 10 minutes on the street and he was like uh i was like how much are you getting up and he's like five six nights a week i was like great good for you a couple times a night he goes yeah boy he's 18 i mean he's just starting but it's like i said but the fact that you're starting that young and you and you and that's what it takes and i was like you're gonna be all right yeah yeah yeah it was like it was because people that don't want you to succeed are gonna be like why are you doing all these spots yeah like why do you work so much like you know what are you doing or people are like you're you're like a disease you're a mental right well you get in relationships i'm mentally ill for trying to be good at my job i would get in relationships like you have to do another fucking set all the time especially when you're starting out and you're like i really got it right now yeah and i'm like you work from nine to five that's eight hours also let me go out for three hours four hours with the failed comic that's true too that's true i like it we're like like how about you get to the gym and i'll go do my stand-up yes here here we both know how this human nature thing works i think you gotta go you got eagles game to get to but plug some dates toronto baltimore fayetteville yeah go see whitney just added a show in toronto you guys know how to find me hot springs arkansas philly philadelphia go eagles uh the miller theater oh that's a good one fort lauderdale philly doesn't have as many venues as it doesn't yeah well it's a good one it's a good one it's a good one it's a good one new orleans uh whitney you're the best we'll see you soon thank you guys i hope yeah thanks for coming in that was uh whitney cummins she was awesome as always fun episode oh yeah coming up i will be in uh chicago at the chicago theater winnipeg that's gonna be fun uh saudi arabia barcelona milan dublin liverpool london paris amsterdam berlin i'm going back to salt lake city a second time this year i'm going back to salt lake city a second time this year i'm going back to salt lake city a second time this year so much fun at wise guys so november 14th through 16th that's a great one great club oh one of my faves and i got reno nevada on november 29th and the biggie carnegie hall december 4th love you guys wow punch up dot live slash sam or l or just go to my website All right, all right. I'll be in Saudi Arabia as well, one night only. Greece, or Athens, I should say. Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm, Dublin, Valley Center, California, at Harrah's. Baltimore, McGuby's, Washington, D.C. at the Lincoln Theater, Chocolate City, Rochester, coming back to his hometown, Niagara Falls, San Diego, and, yeah, marknomacomedy.com. Go to Punch-Up, get some Bodega Cat. BodegaCatWhiskey.com or Instagram, Bodega Cat Whiskey. Send us a DM. Oh, yeah. You're the best, guys. Thanks for listening. Thank you. I don't hate that Mystery Science Theater idea for either Patreon or Punch-Up. Oh, yeah, Soder's been doing it, and he's, like, making a fortune. So I think— Not a bad idea. Not a bad idea. We're the movie guys. Yeah. Let's do it. All right. All right. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Piva Rec, you know the feel. Beer, juice, close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. We might be true. Are you ever shopping online and suddenly a discount that helps you save pops up? It makes your day. Sometimes even your week. Want that feeling month after month? Well, new customers who save by switching their home and auto insurance to Progressive save hundreds. Cue your happy dance. Get your quote today. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company affiliates and other insurers not available in all states.