Ep 252: Matt McCusker

[Music] Hey! Hey! Here we are! We're here with queer. We're back, baby! How you been? Good, good. I taped a special. Yeah. I got that magical moment where it's in the can, but it's not out yet. Bolder. The magical, uh, untapped comedy market, huh? Untapped, uncut Jim. It's, uh, like my penis. It's incredible. Untapped, uncut. Okay, good. Come on. Am I doing a pod with a uncut? You don't like an ant eater? Yeah, it's all right. I cut my sons. Did you? Did it myself? You nibbled it? Yeah. Feel a little bite? Ah, safety scissor. Put a little wine on, then you take a bite. Then you do that for the alcohol? Is that alcohol on the, on the wean right after they do it? Oh, really? What a weird, remember Gerardo had that bed? He goes, "I got invited to a press, you know, the circumcision." And even, what are you, where to that? I just wore a tie with the instantly. That's so good. Great little topical. Great. Not topical. One lighter. You know, bris jokes. Uh, oils, they, they suck the blood off the dip. With the herpes. And then they don't try any of the herpes, but if they have herpes, they will pass them on to the dip. I've heard that. Yeah. And then they shoot a load of the baby dick all over their face. Ha, ha, ha. Woo! That's so. Anyway. So, did you know on Friday, like, you texted me and you were like, "I think I got it Friday pretty much, right?" Yeah. Oh, good pick. Ironically, don't cut that. Uh, yeah, yeah. We, we Friday was one show and it was like 85% sold. So, I was like, "Yeah, this, this will probably be the bad. There's always one clunker." But there's, you know, you, you have, you have kills for the camera anyway, right? That's true. That's true. But it just gets in your head like, "This one isn't sold out, but it looked good." And that one was hot. And I was like, "Hey, that feels good." And then we went to bed, me and him hiked a mountain in the morning. Whoa. We got breakfast. Got some sunshine. Some vitamin D. Battery early show, lights out, white hot. Couldn't be better. Great cry. You only unbelievable part of this is that SalahQ's hike. I don't believe this. This is crazy. Yeah, it was weird. I got photos of it. He's in jeans. He's holding a camera over his shoulder. That's like, well, that's like when you see the coyote. Yeah. Today you're taping a special like fuck. I looked at a bathroom. I was like, are there mountain lions? And they were like, "Oh, yeah." Really? Big boulder mountain. No coyotes in Boulder, right? Not only coyotes. That's the California thing. Some coopers there. I'll tell you that. Ooh, we're there. Yeah. Boulder, baby. I thought it was going to be armpit hair and crunchy horrors with dirty feet. It is hot moms with LLBeen on and little quarters zip ups. It's a college town, too. Yes. College towns. Great comedies. Great comedies. That's true. That's true. And everybody warned me. It's all quefy over there. You're going to bomb. They're going to be offended. They couldn't have been cooler. They were great credit. I didn't warn you about boulder. I would think boulder would be good. Well, they just said it's a college town. It's very progressive. They yell at you and throw paint on you. But it was fine. It was great. Great crowds. And then Saturday late show was a little tired. Yeah. But other than that. You had it at that point. Yeah. Exactly. Between Friday early and Saturday early, you're like, I'm good. 100%. Yeah. Then it was like, fuck around, riff, crowd work, whatever. Do you get any magic moments on the late show? I had a couple riff things. I think people kind of clammed up because they were like, it's a taping. So I was trying to egg them on and fuck with them, but they were a little tepid. I wonder if it helps that it feels like every show is taped now. That's true. It's true. But yeah, but you don't want to be the person who gets dunked on in like a Netflix special. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I was waiting to dunk on somebody. I was ready. Yeah. Something good. But yeah. But you, how long do you think it's going to clock in at? I'm going to say 53. It's a good time. Yeah. As long as I'm over 50, I'm happy. Yeah. I think that's the number. Yeah. Self-produced too. And you're going to sell it, right? That's right. That's the plan. That's the move. Hopefully. We'll see. The market is chained. I think Hulu threw that big wattage is out there and nobody. Oh, that's a good pick. That's all Sally, but the amount I'm in my head in that moment is unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that feeling like we're taping tonight. Yeah. Yeah, we got three. Doesn't it help that you know you got three? Three is big. Three is almost like, I feel like two is fine at this point. Yeah. I've always overdone it. I did four last time and I was like, what am I doing? By the fourth, you're like, am I just punishing myself? I'm just like, I'm just putting off the celebration. Right. But then even at the celebration, you don't feel good because if you're a comic, because you're just like, I got to write another one of these. I know. It's hard to do it. Like, you did it. I'm like, I know, but the next one's, this is the easy part. When you're killing towards the end of taping an hour, you don't even feel like a real comic. You're like, I'm a fucking hack. I know this works. You know? Yeah, but you got to get it down. You got to get it down. You feel good. Right. You're like, it should hit. And then if one line that always hits stops hitting, you're like, that fucking line used to hit. Yeah. Of course. Well, I did three sets last night. I'm like, hey, I'm back out there. I need to work on new stuff. Bomb city. Oh, yeah. As you should. Yeah. But it sucks. It sucks. You're like, how did I run an hour? How did I do that? I just threw this shit on the table. You need something bad to happen. Something bad will happen. And then you're like, that's, there's a joke. All right. It's bad. It says to be like something, something, you know, interesting. Sure. Sure. All right. Well, yeah. Well, we got it and Boulder. I highly recommend Boulder is a college town. It's a regular town. It's pretty. How far from Denver? 45 minutes. We're here. See a land and get on a bus. I was going to say that they have a comedy club. But why would they have Denver? I know. They had a little comedy room in our hotel, actually. But really? Yeah. It was like in the basement. They had a little room. They do stuff. They got back from Saturday night. I'm drunk. And what's that guy's name? Oh, what was that guy with the long hair? Honor. Who? Oh, he was a comic. He was hanging out. Oh, I don't know. Oh, he's super funny. Long hair. Denver. One liner, guys. Kind of like the new headberg. Mm. Oh, give that a goog. I got to give this guy a shout out because he's really funny. Well, what's a Google? Denver one liner? Denver one liner. Long hair. Comedy. Who opened the shows? Caleb Sinon. Oh, yeah, he's good. Kill. That guy's ice in his veins. Yeah, I like that guy. So funny. The whole is one of those things where the crew was like, who is this guy? This guy's great. Yeah. How big the venue? I'll think of it. I think it was about 9.50. It's great. I mean, this all sounds perfect. It was perfect. It all locked in. So I had a gig the night before in San Jose. Because Shane Gillison, I had the same gig night in San Jose. So I moved mine because he's Shane. And it worked out. So I was supposed to do San Jose in July. They moved it to the night before the taping. Best thing ever. It all came into place. Yeah. Stars a lot. He'd move in a gig. I hate it too. There's some panic that I might, my agent was like, you might want to move Chicago theater because even if it sells out, you, uh, you would have to compete with the Cubs and the playoffs. I'm supposed to move the playoffs and they're like, fuck, I do have a dude audience. Yeah. You have to think about that shit. Oh, that's true. Yeah. But it's coming up, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's scary. By this time this comes out, I guess it's the Sarah's, I guess it'll be, we'll see. It'll be in the, yeah, we'll see if I moved it. Sorry if I moved it guys. I don't, I don't want to. Yeah. I'm probably going to tough it out. Sometimes it helps to move it because then you get a little more time to sell. Yeah, but it's just fucking annoying. I haven't routed with Winnipeg. It's just see, everything was kind of there for a reason. Yeah, yeah. The routing. Mark had, uh, Bert going up against him at Red Rocks, which is just 25 minutes away. Yeah. And so it was there too. Yeah. And so it was there. And so it was at the club, I think. And Tony Hinchkov was shooting his special the same day and Theo Vaughn and the different city and Theo Vaughn was shooting here in New York, doesn't hurt you. Yeah. I'm just saying like a lot was going on that weekend. Yeah. Theo had his thing at the beach. And Milwaukee had a baseball ball. Just brings up everything. Yeah. The marathon was going on, but you feel like you got it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I feel really good about it, especially after seeing the Theo reports. But, uh, and I talked. Hopefully he's okay. He's okay. He's fine. Yeah. Um, and he's a funny guy. He'll figure it out. But, uh, yeah. You want to go? Hey, Netflix. This one went pretty well. Just saying. You were better by yours, man. I think they will see. We'll see. We'll see. Well, if not there, I mean, dude. You got options. Yeah. Well, I think you got fucking options, dude. Don't get hung up on the one hot girl at the bar. There's other. There's other. I got a, like a fat chick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're looking at all those guys and the numbers, I think, were below Netflix. And Netflix is like, oh, we, we feel even better now, ironically. Yeah. So. Yeah. Well, you always got YouTube. It's an option, too. That's true. And, like, it could blow up. YouTube is the old, you don't bring, uh, what do you, you don't diss the girl you brought to the dance or whatever. Yeah. Whatever that thing is. Is he Netflix stock? It's like, whoa. $1,193. Jesus. Per share. Yeah. Is that, is that really good? That's really good. Yeah. Really good. Considering, like, two years ago, it was like 200. But it's also way down. It looks like. Wow. That's because that black rabbit shows sticks. Is it bad? Oh. The dialogue is horrible. I like Bateman. Yeah. He's good. But I, I can, I don't get it. So it's a non-rec. That's a non-rec, baby. I got a wreck for you. Please. I think it's, you think you're going to have the same wreck. The movie? The movie. Yeah. One bad laugh to another. Seed and theaters, dude. I saw it, and I saw an IMAX and Rochester. It's one of those sad things where you're like, "My shows are sold out." And I went to like an 11 a.m. IMAX and this. They're like 15 people in there. No. I'm like, this is a good movie. I know. I know. IMAX. We saw 4D. Yeah. What's up, dude? Hey, no. It's all good. We're talking about have you seen one battle after another? No, the new movie. It's good. Is that what everyone's talking about right? I'm good. Thank you guys. It's a good one. Be a BL if you need one, I'm a good thank you. Hey your wife looks different Yeah, go see it. It's incredible. It's it's good to see a real movie in the theaters not just Avengers 12 But you know what's depressing is that they're like this is a non-marvel movie and it's it's got you know a real script and a real director And they're like how to do the box office 20 million is that right? Yeah, I think I mean globally did a little better But it's not like a huge it was number one, but it's not like a huge hit. Yeah. Yeah, but that happens man Give it a week. Let's give it a little time I think it's a one of those word-of-mouth movies though because it's probably gonna get some Oscar nominations Definitely are people is just causing any sort of like upper or are people like conflicting in opinions about this? No, I think people like it. It's just about you know, it's two hours and 42 minutes So people are kind of like I don't know and also But it's like non-stop action, dude. It's pretty crazy. It really it's really good It's just really a good movie. Yeah, it's just really cool and they do the right and the left Kind of though. They're both extremes like he's like a Volutionary then they show the right and they won't allow a racial marriage and all this shit So it's that if that's the right than we're in trouble There's like these guys is like a secret club of like underground people. We don't give it But they're like insanely racist. Yeah, it's funny. It's like over the top. Yeah, it's is a funny movie Sean Penn is fucking on he's gonna win the Oscar. Yeah, that's awesome. I didn't hear I never heard about this That's another that's another Oscar. He can melt down and give to the Ukrainians to try what he did That's what he did with his other one. He really what they said. Yeah, he also went to New Orleans on a canoe with a Shotgun during Katrina What was his plan there? I don't know. I think he's like I'm gonna shoot some some kids or something Everybody made fun of we're all New Orleans on the roof crying and we're like get out of here Penn. What are you doing? That's cruel. I guess he could rescue like three people. Yeah, I guess so there. There we go There you go. It's helping a whole black guy. There you go. That's nice You probably need a shotgun to navigate like for like animals and stuff, you know, I guess that's after you want to call them Good Lord, man. We're just in here. You don't even need a plane. Just go down there You take a few pictures and people like he's a good guy. That's true. You don't need didn't he fuck with the cartel too? Didn't he go down in the tunnels with what's his face? Did an interview with El Chapo that said getting El Chapo Found and arrested. I think he went to Venezuela too was kicking it with Hugo Chaffa. Oh, man. Yeah He's done a lot of he's done a lot of weird shit. That's crazy. Wow, and he couldn't keep that girl. What's her name? Robin right? Yeah, that's how hard women are you can make a deal with El Chapo, but your wife. He's like Yeah, I'm going to Ukraine again. That's true. It's just smelting an Oscar to yeah I wonder if anyone got killed by an Oscar boy. Oh Good question. Yeah, I wonder if you get nominated for I am Sam Don't go full retard. Yeah, well, maybe he has to to keep getting more Oscar to support the war effort. Yeah I'm gonna double down But it's a high record you love the two right? Yeah, it's amazing. Beneath of the tour of funny shit, too. I highly recommend Really good movie just we won't give away Sutton 4d have you done this yet? No, where you get like your legs take all this stuff? They split water on you with a jizz on your face like the the seats go up and down with the road Everything so when you start the car goes like Oh, it's so how'd you like it? I loved it. I thought it was gonna be a dumb gimmick, but it was added a lot. That's awesome So damn highly recommend so I saw the movie spotlight like that. I know Bad idea That's all always station. All right. Okay. Yeah, I saw I saw moonlight 4d. Oh really frank. We got during the scene that crank you off Sickle so okay, what all in so when's the special come out October 7th Yeah, how you yeah coming out October 7th a humble offering so yeah, it's a feeling you wrote man, you wrote that quick Dude I you know what what was the YouTube the YouTube was I like lose track of it now But I feel like I say it was two years. I feel like all right YouTube came out two years ago and then I just kind of just hit the road right away with like kind of nothing Honestly, it was kind of criminal, but the Kind of figured it out and then by you know the YouTube was just like all of my old stuff that I just wanted to get rid of There wasn't really a rhyme a reason to it and then this was the first time I got to actually like like oh you need like a Cohesive hour kind of and this kind of put it together, and then you know I was done with it congrats, man That's big. Yeah, you know, I'll be curious to see everyone saying that and I'm like well, we'll see you know I could fade into the ether, but I'll see you get that top 10. I think you're yeah, that's the big that's really to make it less special So too, I think it's like it's a good time to be yeah, well supposed to come out in January and they bumped it up So I was like that's cool. That's a good sign. Yeah, I was I was like that's that's promising, but there's good who shot that for you Tyler Falbo It's fantastic looking. Yeah, he did a fantastic job and ever yeah, they did an awesome job. Where'd you tape it? The Ontario improv. Oh, yeah, a lot of people trying to talk me out of that. Yeah, they were like you sure you want to do it there And I was like yeah, I'm positive. It's big, right? It's it's like 500 three. No, it's like 350 maybe really but it's like a it's the old improv kind of thing So it looks like it's not like the big cavernous improvs. It's like an old club It was and they really church it up. They did a good job. Yeah, it looks really set. It's fine. Killed it hell. Yeah, yeah, man It's you know, it's done. So how'd you like that editing process, huh? It's I actually saw what you're seeing there - I I cracked my head day the first day filming What a lot I did a out like a very long and drawn-out intro. That's all my POV and I didn't even like it was like you know Get like a camera guy who's like my body double doing it I there was one scene. I was like dude. Let me just do this one scene. They were like Do Tyler was like I never let actors where it was like you have to know how to use the gear Yeah, and I was like I was in bed with my wife and I'm like, bro I don't want like body double like I'm supposed to be like, you know, whatever and And I wore it for 10 minutes and then I like kicked my leg and the rig just cracked me and I had so they had to like From like CGI a cut off my head. What yeah kind of for the whole special like for the second I I filmed two nights So one night it was fine. I filmed the other night and it just I had like four lines The second night was a night the second night was the night was the night. I was on stage with like it was like a cut Just caked in makeup. Whoa, so I had to just kind of soldier through and then you know made Use of the movie magic. I didn't know we could see GI shit. You can see GI wound off the head. Whoa That's good to know damn. Yeah, but you know now people look for it The guy's actually crystal clear right here, but right right. Yeah, that was that was I had to like go It was like a it was kind of a pressure cooker moment man because I like You know everyone's like they're trying to like film my head to be like nah, it's good It's good and then they'd be like more darker makeup less makeup. Oh, well, and I had to tell him like yo Just let's let it rock man. We'll figure this out after the fact. Did you think about going hey? I did this like just bring it up I thought about it, but we would be able to take one without it Yeah, but then exactly and then it's like I feel like if I had taken off the makeup too much It would have been just like it was hard not just it was in the front of my head Oh, it was it was like a they had to put liquid bandage on it to get it stop bleeding damn So yeah, I like for real rocked myself. Yeah, shit, and it was for a sketch at the beginning of the special dance like totally unnecessary Way too and way too long like this for that thing everyone's gonna skip through to get to the fucking hour Yeah, it was a bit of a struggle because they were like we should shorten it and I was like now, man We got it. It's got it. It was like a minute and 40 oh my god But it's action packed it's action packed. Yeah, I think I think people are gonna like it No, I do I there's something about it like you see an old one like Gary Shanley and Joan Rivers are like shooting the shit And she's like nagging on me like this is kind of cool. I don't know. I'm a big intro. I like the intro Have you done an intro? I did an intro my last one. I did the drone shot of me running. I like an intro too. I'm with you Yeah, I did once it did a Barney green. Oh, that was a great one. Green grass. That was great. Central when I did where I I'm like eating a bagel and I pick up a good old lady in Barney green grass and I take her to banger and that's a Very important for special. Yeah, it worked though. It was fun. You get to feel like you know I didn't like even direct it or do anything, but you get to kind of feel like you're like yeah I'm like making a movie here. Yeah minute long thing of me like it was kind of cool And Ari would do that in those story telling things. We just do something like it is cool It is kind of it helps. So I got to ask you so I got about making shit the cartoon. Yeah, yeah Tell us about that because we're trying to do a puppet show and no one likes it So did I say you do that? And I was like it feels like it's cooking. It's getting some steam It was at first so the first two did pretty well and then the third one There was a lot of like blurred out cartoon penis in there Mmm, and I you know, I don't want to be a guy who has a low-view YouTube videos like you I'm being shadow banned Obviously, I I wondered if that kind of or you know people just genuinely were like no, we don't like this I can see the right wing like oh, we got to make everything game If you're doing different shicks, I remember you tell me about that animation was like a thing you're passionate about like I saw you in Austin You know I it's I like writing more I like writing so I it's like is it's for a book or whatever I just like to write an animation was like well, this is like a I thought it'd be a quick way to get ideas out there It takes animation takes forever. Yeah, it takes forever and you watch it so many times that by the end of it you're just kind of like Dude like I don't even like this anymore and then they see it and they're gone Awesome. Yeah, it looks really good. I mean that's what we want puppets because the animation took too long So and I co-wrote them with my friend Pedro Salinas So I got to give him a shout out because he this this one notary public for Lauderdale Was about a notary public who can't read but he can only smell documents And that was Pedro's idea, but that was like one of my favorite ones, so hell yeah But that was kind of my idea like let's throw him out there and see if we can come up with an idea that might be Developable, so did you think hey Netflix we got the special one might as well pick up the cartoon as well That was kind of my plan, but I don't think it's happening But no, I mean we'll see I don't know. I mean, do you ever see the original Rick and Morty like the pilot that kicked off Rick and Morty? I have seen the pilot Is it is it just the first episode or it's not even sorry. I shouldn't even say pilot it was like a sketch I kicked it off and it's it's like It's like the dumbest video. It's just the guy the old man trying to get the boy to like touch his balls And it's like it's just like a yeah, I think it's this thing. It's like a five-minute thing It's just him being like touch my balls Wow, and they bought it. They're like this is genius All right, man like we know I the commentary on these fucking videos kills me. Hey guys real quick. Just fucking play it Yeah, that show first few seasons that that was so funny and then it just out of nowhere It got kind of felt like it was like a whole new writing staff Didn't he got canceled or something the guy? Yeah, Harmon. I think they both did for like a minute Well Dan was I think he's back. Oh, okay This isn't it. It's like a it's this it was like a short it was based on a short that was just like Him getting the kid to do some lick my balls or something And it's like a poorly produced like for them and apparently that sold the idea. I guess yeah, it's a different time That adult swim who bought it. I believe. Thanks. Oh, they're in the weird shit. I mean, that's true And then South Park did so well to me, but they're like hey, let's ride the world ever once a new South Park honestly. Yeah, if like Yeah, it's like wait Looks poorly done It's something like this. Yeah, wow It's also crazy. It's just back to the future. Yeah exactly. All right. It's just like everything's got a thing It's it's doing. Yeah, literally wearing the outfit from back to the future. Yeah Yeah, he's like in order to go back in time. You have to lick my balls But yeah, man, you know, I've just been trying to do just like, you know different stuff because that for me That's the goal was like I'd like to just write honestly You seem like you seem like you want to make sure yeah, just make stuff and write. Yeah, I'd prefer that You're not a fan of the road and all that shit. I'd like it. I love it But it'd be nice to like have a scaled back version. You know what I mean if you just do like 12 cities Sure, that'd be nice rather than having to like do it constantly and beyond You got kids exactly. Yeah, but you must have done the road pretty hard to to gear up for this, right? Yeah, I was doing like It was like two to three weekends a month. Yeah, so and I did it I like a pretty long stretch of it, but nothing some people go out and do like for two weeks and they're I just do like two days and come back That's what I do. Yeah, it's kind of the move. Do you do you live in Austin? Do you do sit city sets? Yeah, wait what like in the city like in Austin? Do you go around or in the week? Yeah Not as much as I should, but I still I still pop out I've been like now that I have to come up with this new hour I just wait until like I absolutely have to do it and I start. Yeah, yeah, I gotta figure it out So now I've been I've been doing a lot more because now I'm like I'm still I'm gonna start touring again like pretty soon, so yeah You feel like you have a fresh amount of stuff sort of dude. Yeah, it's hard part. It's well What I what I always did I always just did like a What it worked for the this one is like when I put out that special while I was like getting ready to film And I started doing new material show, so I would do like a show where I'd be like I'll do an all new 10 minutes and you have other comics do 10 and then you do like five or six of those shows And you start to cobble together like at least something. Yeah, and then you take that on like a decent 45 on the road and figure it out Someone on those shows who's doing old shit. Oh always was one gum like I saw that shit unfalent. Yeah Yeah, a letterman And I always say look no, it's like a new-ish like do something you're working on Yeah, it is kind of the honor code because people will start murdering and you're like all right We talk with a little time back in the day at mics when you're doing it a bit Margot always say I can't tinker to Mike because yeah, you know like they've heard this joke But I'm just changing it slightly. I'm changing the word choice and I feel that way though Yeah, the comedy seller will do new joke night that will so Vince will host and it's it's a great show Yeah, but now everyone wants on it. So we started with like seven eight minutes sets now you get on it's like four minutes Yeah, that's enough to just do the new shit one thing. Yeah, but I like to try the new shit versus an old bit just to know Words yes. Yes. That's why like if I'm doing a road set. I'm like okay Let me just slide in one old and you're like fuck the old one killed and the new one's not that because it kills on a new joke show But that's against other new shit. Yeah, that's a good libous test though to be like all right. I'm getting a laugh But yeah, how does this because it is funny because you're like oh, this is working But then their expectations are kind of well because they're like oh, it's a new joke They hit him with something tried and true and they're like oh, yes exactly So I just taped my special this weekend and I went out yesterday with some new ideas Bomb fest Boy and you're like I suck. How did I write those dude? I've been bombing hard I've been going to the mothership. I'm like just put me in the little room and just let me just die on that stage But I've a starting to figure out then you know again It's it's like just enough to go to like clubs and I try to work on it there and you know, but it's the words You're pretty well known so you walk up and they're like hey here we go and they try to do it like we like you It's it all depends is like yeah, sometime when I first moved down there They'd be like you never know who's gonna pop up and the crowd would be like who the fuck is this guy? And then there'd be one guy be like oh Yeah, it would be a rough you make that dude's night dude. Yeah, night. I turn on them and make sure the fuck on you It is uh, no, it's hard man. It's hard to start But I feel like the comedy crowd is now close to podcast and stuff at least a lot of the comedy fans are like no This is part of the process. This is cool. Yeah, some people like watching new ball. No, like that was kind of yeah I've watched some of my favorite comics bomb and I'd be like I've never seen rock have rough sets. Oh, yeah, this is incredible Yeah, like no one so few people get to see this side of him, you know true because these will be great in like a week and a half Yeah, yeah, I for this I've like I had to really yeah, I just like get out there and be like all right I'm gonna kind of eat it for a little bit and then you know, yeah because you are like Although it's I think it's so much more fun man like trying to fake like going up and be like I have no idea If this is gonna work for me it like brings me back to like Early wrong. We were like oh shit I don't know if it's gonna work or not and like then you bomb me like fucking it myself Yeah, and I feel guilty like that guy paid a ticket and bought eight beers and I'm like up here like oh is this Uber's weird What did I do? I wasted my night on this guy the worst is when you do some old shit and they're like hey you working out of there, huh? And you're like no, that's like my A material yeah Yeah, it's nice someone. Yeah, I was taping Yeah, it's nice to see you work But no, it's fun though, man. That's how that you know, that's how this hour just came out of like I like recorded that earlier special on YouTube and I called Shane. I was like Dude should I like do clubs are just like wait. He's like, oh, let's go do him. Mm-hmm. Just go do who cares? And then like he's like that's what I'm doing like I'm like all right And I like scheduled all these days and three weeks later. He was like fuck dude. I don't know what the fuck Fuck I base mine over yours, man. Yeah, I saw but it kind of is to move just like you just rip it man I need it. I need to have like the pressure otherwise. I won't do it. Yeah. Yeah. I think we're doing some of those Those arenas with Shane in December. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm jumping on a few of those. That's they're so fun It's so fun. It's like drinking 20 minutes, you know, decent paycheck nice hotel fun city Yeah, the yeah the round two's crazy. I never I only ever did that. It's crazy selling that many tickets. That's because that's like two shows Yeah, it's easier than you think I thought the round would be like this like nightmare to do But I think it's easier than like when you do the straight-up arena where you're on a humongous stage just facing people I that like I you know that that's tough, but like when you're in the round for some reason I don't know why it feels easier because it's like you're just like you know here This is like you're in like seven comedy clubs at once You're able to be like I'm in this one. I'm in this one. I feel awkward rotating that weird like I've been this way too long Yeah, you know, none of us are like mover comics Yeah, we'll kind of like in the pocket just like chilling, you know Yeah, I kind of wait till I get a laugh and then I turn around Because yeah, otherwise you turn into like you're like a minute hand on a clock. Yeah, let me give this punchline to the northwest over here We rotate I want to face mecca for this one Yeah But then I'm like a guys behind me. I don't know. I feel weird. They got the screens and like you know, it's it is crazy Like I did I did Grand Rapids with him and it was like 18,000 people is like this is insane Yeah, there's this many like there's not that many more people in the city. I dude Yeah, no, it like for real like messes up The city itself like there'll be it'll be like traffic and stuff because of it. It's pretty. It's pretty cool Yeah, that's right. I did one. I think I told you this what I did with Reggie Conquest, you know him And he was so nervous in the green room. He's like, oh god. I'm freaking out. I've never done a arena We're like you're gonna be fine. You got good jokes. Just tell the jokes He goes up and he goes hey good to be here. I'm from Philly Boo Then like eight seconds his biggest fear is happening and then he goes what the fuck guys so is Shane Boo So he's too booz deep like he's like so I'm black. They're like boo Yeah, bombing and those things does feel like It's hard even because you can't even like in a club. You're pretty like you can literally feel laughs and not in a in arena, you're just like, you're just drowning. You're like, 'cause you'll hear technically there are thousands of people laughing. - Right. - You're like, it's not enough. - Right, that's the truth. - This is a bomb. It is crazy to have done a bunch with Sandler, and I go up and I get no pop at all, and then I'm like, I'll bring up like Kevin Neillin or someone they're like, "Oh my God." Like any SNL guy from that era, Tim Meadows, they go fucking ape shit. - Oh yeah. - And it's like, yeah, they grew up watching these guys. - Yeah. - They were in the same world. - It's a different thing. I didn't even know about the pop for a long time. I was living in innocence. Then yeah, you do some shows and you're like, "Oh wow, that's, yeah, you get your social worth score." Just kind of, right there is it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't think too much about it. - No. - To people get a little, it's a thing. People get, yeah, it'll be fine. - Yeah, we're about the pops. Was it the big pops? - Yeah. - Oh yeah. - Fundress. - I saw that, I was at a long time ago. Was that Drake and Future did a concert together? I don't know if they're still buddies. They might have had a falling out. And nobody likes, people didn't like Future. - Really? - And that was like, 'cause they didn't like, really clap for them that much. And then Drake came out and everyone was like, "Ah!" And I was like, "Oh, I could see that causing a little." - Yeah. - Sure. - Maybe that's not buddies anymore because of it. - What the hell's Future saying? What's his tune? I don't know him. - Is he the one that banged Larsa Pippen? - Yeah. - Oh! - All right, that gets a pop from me. - That's such a boom away to know him. (laughing) - He's the one who banged the 90s bulls wife. - Yeah. Pippen, man, the Pippen family, man. That's like out of like a tragedy. The Jordans, I think Michael Jordan's son might have also had sex with. - Wow. - You have study Pippen's wife. - Yeah, they were dating, I think. - Yeah. - Holy shit. - Yeah, there was like a huge, that was like a, you know, I fucked your bitch in my Gucci flip-flops. It's like a huge line. And it was about scouting Pippen's bitch, I believe. - Wow, flip-flop fuck. - She banged a lot of NBA, she banged someone who was on the team with Scotty Pippen, Jr. - Really? - So it's weird that it's like, you're a teammate for the guy who's like, I fucked your mom. - Wow. - Yeah, that's not a good locker room. - Not a good locker room, guys. - Like a locker room, guys. - Who said it came out and he said he fucked all the Kardashians, including the mom? - Kanye? - Is it Kanye? - No, what Kanye? (laughing) - Oh no. - Some other guy, but well, oh man, that's the mom? - That's Larsa Pippen. - The mom? - Yeah. - Up Scotty Pippen. - Up Scotty Pippen, Jr. Scotty Pippen's wife. - It's Sky Pippen's wife. - Got it, got it, wow. - He must've cheated on her so much though in the 90s. This is like a lower bench tour. - Oh, interesting. - Yeah, and that's also, you know, it's live by the sword, die by the sword. - There he is, future. Tristan. - Oh man, I didn't know they had a pretty organize of this. - Just hold the guys at sec. This is-- - Oh my lord. - Oh no. - Marcus Jordan. - People magazine shame on you guys. - Man, buddy. - Oh, that's a calm. (laughing) - Chef Covey. - Chef Covey. - Now we're gonna, like, - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just throw up. - Damn. - Kailin Clark. - Kailin. - Oh. (laughing) - Damn, dude. That's an insane article. That sucks when you-- - That's the ones we know about. - Yeah, exactly. - When your ex-wife is hot, and she has an appetite for that, she's gonna get it. - Of course. - Yeah, of course. - Yeah, that must suck of your Scotty. 'Cause he seems like he's like, spiraled a little bit. - Oh yeah. - Yeah. Poor bastard. He was also a second fiddle kind of guy, too. - Yeah, that's a great second fiddle to bid. - Sure, sure. - Yeah, it's a-- - Can you pull up the guy who banged all the Kardashians? - Sure. - I'm curious who that is. - I don't know if it was Ray Jay. That feels too easy. But it was some guy. - Some rappers. - Oh, it's great. It's like the Thanos. (laughing) - No one person has had sex. - Oh, he said he did it. Oh, no. - Damn. - That seems like too hard to accomplish. - Yeah. - I don't think it's getting the mom in there, too, is a tough one. - Yes, but she looks damn good. - The game says she slept with most of the Kardashians. - Oh, my bad. - Okay. - And the visual. - Yeah, we can get the people. - Yeah. - There it is. - Okay. - Which one is that? I think that's even one. - No, I don't know who that is. I think that's thinking me now. - That's-- - Oh, fun. This guy's doing all right. Is he the guy who made the gay jokes? Thank God. - No, that was the baby. - That was the baby, yeah. - The baby made it. - No fucking uncool, that was fucking crazy. - What was that? - Which one is future? (laughing) - No, the baby, that's the one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing) Damn. - The game had a moment though. He had some cool tunes back in the day. - Yeah, man. - Really? - I like, yeah, he had the hate of the love at the underdogs on top of him. - Yeah, he was like 50 cents. - Yeah, he was like 50 cents came out and they were like, all right, let's get it, you know. He was like a kind of another 50 cents kind of thing. It's tougher. 50 cents was such a tough guy. I was like, well, it's crazy. - Right, he got another tough guy. - Yeah, he was. - You're sure you got shot nine times, like, you can't-- - Do you ever fantasize about surviving, like, being shot? - Yes, I do it all the time. - All the time. - Would you get like a tattoo about, like, where all the bulls are? (laughing) I had a fantasy about that a lot of just being in some sort of, like, you know, like, work situation or something where, like, you have to take your shirt off and they're just like, holy fuck, that guy's been shot. (laughing) - Yeah, I'm like, all the bulls holes and you'd put, like, spider webs on him or something. (laughing) - Okay, right. Just walking my dogs back. That'd be so fucking cool. - Oh, yeah. - I think I could survive nine punches, though. (laughing) - No bulls is insane. You know a lucky war that didn't hit that dude. - Yeah, that's true. - But he was also, like, a fucking, I mean, he's huge. He's a fucking man. - Yeah, he is a man. - True. - Yeah, he's-- - Nine Bullets is insane. - Where, where, where do they all go? - Yeah, what happened? - No, no, man. - He looks pretty clean. - Man, no, look at that bull. - There are two ones there. - Try to find the bull of ones. - Maybe Tatted Over 'em. - That's what I would do, honestly. - Yeah, he would not have had this career if, like, one just hit the spine and he's just in a wheelchair like that. - That's true. - A lot of it's the swag. - Yeah, if he got shot nine times and it showed severely, that wouldn't be good. (laughing) Oh shit, yeah, one of them hit his cheek. - Oh shit. - Oh shit. Damn, he's also banged Chelsea Handler. - Yeah. - Which is also hard to do. (laughing) - The good thing about fucking Chelsea Handlers, you know, she'll get an abortion. She does not want children. - You know, some of her insults heard almost as much as the bullet, too. - Yeah, you can get saucy. - Hey folks, we might be drunk. It's brought to you by Shopify. Starting a business is exciting, but it's easy to get overwhelmed with the details. That's why they're Shopify. It's the commerce platform between Mattel and Jim Shark and millions of other businesses around the world. Not only does Shopify make accepting payments of breeze, it helps you design your online store, write product descriptions, enhance your photography and create marketing campaigns. You can even use Shopify to manage your inventory and process returns. We love Shopify, we sell a booze, we sell mugs, we sell shirts, so we get it, and they make it easy. Stop trying to do everything yourself. Let's Shopify take your business to the next level. Turn your big business idea into ch-ching, with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com. Slash drunk, go to Shopify.com/drunk. Shopify.com/drunk. Ch-ching. - So we have some peeps and wrecks from-- - Oh yeah. - Oh, you brought them? - I do, I got some peeps. I got some peeps, here we go, hey, it was funny too, 'cause I was like, I don't know, I don't really, nothing really. As soon as I started thinking about them, I could have listed like 40 million. - I love it. - This is exciting, this is a lot. - I got a lot of peeps. - Wow, I saw some of them. - Sticklers for real. - That was the first one. That was me just like kicking stuff around. Yeah, actually, I don't like Sticklers, man. People are being like, yeah, that shit fucking pisses me off. - Yeah. - I like that. - I like that. She'll get me, she'll stick on me on some shit, and I'm like, yeah, it doesn't matter. She's like, well, we need to do it, then I'm like, just fucking ignore it. - Wow. - And then sometimes I'll be wrong, and it'll blow up my face, and I'm like, fuck. - Yeah. - Like, we're gonna more likely to be Sticklers. - You know what she does, she'll be like-- - And a good way too. - Yeah. - You need a little structure. - You do, you do. Sometimes she'll hit me with, like, I'll be driving, do you have your driver's license? I'm like, no. It's like, you need it. It's like, no, I fucking don't. Nothing's gonna happen. She's like, you should have it on you when you drive. - Wow. - But I don't think you're a good pair. - Yeah, we are. - 'Cause you need one of them. - We do. - And then I need to be like-- - Stickler. - Actually, yeah, 'cause I'll show up to get my driver's license. Like, do you have like three forms of ID? I'm like, I don't, they don't give me fuck. - Yeah. - I'm sure they definitely do. And I'm like, this guy's a fucking asshole. - Fuck this guy. - I just got a new ID, and they were like, do you have a W-2? I'm like, no. You have to leave them. I've been waiting for two hours. - I gotta go back the next day. - I got a new ID recently, and they spelled my name, you know, Mick Cusker, but they sp- it was MC Space, C-U-S-K-E, and I showed my wife, she goes, they're not gonna let you blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, it's not gonna affect anything. Fucking relax. And like, we got rejected for some weird tax thing we're doing. I'm saying, it's just your license. I was like, fuck. Every time I fly United, for some reason I can't change. I'm Samuel E. Morell, I'm like, license. For some reason, it just saved Samuel A. Like, the E is part of my first name, and they wouldn't let me on. I'm like, I've called. I've changed the thing to like, we can't. I'm like, clearly you see there's an error here. Like, clearly, I'm this person and they're like, they wouldn't let me, it was like a whole thing I had to go through. - Wow. - Yeah, that shit gets me so mad. When I'm like, when it's like, dude, you know, like, you're holding me up on some bullshit, dude. - To be fair, I wouldn't let a guy name Samuel L.I. (laughing) - Can we have a guess what East dance for? - Yeah, go for it. - You got anything my earnest? - No, that one. - That one. - Edward. - Eric? - That'd be a cool, it's Elias. - Oh, I was never got that. - Yeah. - I used to lie to people and say I was named after DeFo and Platoon. - Yeah. - This is private Elias, right? So I was named after DeFo and they're like, that movie came out, the, oh my God, it doesn't. - I don't worry about it, dude. - It's a lie. (laughing) when he was a cool character for you don't Back in heat back in heat. They have to see GI his dong bulbs. Yeah out of some movies. Are you serious? Yeah, that's how big his dong is. Why didn't they let it ride? Because they said a large one tree. I think we're saying it would have messed up the scene. That's how big it was Yeah, whoa. Is that as dick? Oh, that's a limp. Okay. That's a big limb dick I thought it'd be bigger to be honest. It's pretty good. All right, but he is a short guy. That's true Which I mean think about how shock it would be to see a guy that short with like I don't know man That could have been him like completely shrimp. Well, okay. They're and he's uncut Yeah, yikes. It is right. It was yeah, judging flaccid penises. It's top. You're really you're also really let yourself You're like that's a big flaccid dick and you have him like that's not that big. Yeah Trust me. It's bigger than mine. My part in this trap a couple times. That's why I'm like, you know, it's it's a dick It's way bigger than mine. I just thought it'd be bigger just by the bulge I had I had a bit about this about his like how they had to hire a Body double for this. Some like some struggling actor got a call from his agent like dude. We booked you the part Which one hamlet is like no small cock That's brutal. Yeah, that's that should fucking fires me up and again Sometimes I will be about to miss an exit, and I'll be like I fucking no shut up, and then I'll be like fuck thank God Well, yeah, that'll get me going my wife is a backsy driver and horrible driver Yeah, I'm like why am I taking advice from you? You can't drive. I'm both those things I'm a terrible driver, and I'm I'm never so I'd respect to the driving community. I don't drive Yeah, I have a license, but I don't want it be because I've been in that situation where I'm driving so poorly that people like you fucking idiot I'm like, I know I'm sorry. Yeah, I have to take it right, but yeah, but I try to keep my mouth shut I'm a big phantom breaker. I'm in the passenger side. I'm like Interesting do you stop short? Yeah, yeah, I always feel that kind of makes me feel good that one I'm like whoa. Yeah, it does feel good. That's all I met my wife on a bus When stuffs all over the floor is even a neat guy. I'm actually no, I'm kind of a mess, but like really I used to work I used to paint houses and like you know when you're painting you have all these different paint buckets everywhere Mm-hmm. You get to a point where like you can't move anywhere and like do it makes me oh, yeah Or like toys on the floor for my kids. I like if there's toys everywhere I'll be like once once I can't walk like I can have shit like stuff out everywhere doesn't bother me If it's on counters if it's on the floor, I'd like freaks me out. Yeah, I get there Then you step on that Lego and that kid's getting the wall up. Yeah. Have you had that moment? Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, dude I kill these as all these fruits like made out of wood like a little piece of fruit Like so you can chew on and whatever you step on a half a banana that stinks. Oh, dude Yeah, I have we have a lot of unicorn stuff and it's like you catch a unicorn horn, dude You have two kids. Yeah, two little girl. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, we got a lot of unicorn My brother had my little pony and my dad was like, oh, here we go. It's nervous. Yeah, but he turned out normal really straight Just joking. What about kings? Yeah, like they might be some king in there though if it's like probably Right like the unicorn up his ass or something, but yeah, he had a little little pony That's funny. There's gonna be some study like what what you play with as a kid is gonna lead to something I don't know. Oh, yeah, I was a I was a big Barbie molester I find Barbies and I was yeah, GI Joe's are all but I was it's kind of disgusting. Oh, wow That's funny my brother was a kid molester That's why he had the my little pony. Yeah, geez. Oh, well, so this is yeah my little pony. Yeah, well, yeah There really is porn on anything. I know. It's crazy Damn see if this we might be drunk porn Just me and Sam below each Remember the lemon party. Yeah, what's what's what's what's what's that? Oh shit? What is it? You want to tell him or should I? Yeah, you've never seen lemon party. It's pretty cool. What is it? It's a classic good. Oh God, what you gotta go lemon party dot org. There you go. Yeah, it was cool. You like sent it to somebody they'd open it You gotta say are you serious? They didn't have all this stuff before I agree They got really bought it. So what is it? Oh, dude. It was a website if I'm thinking of the right one There it is. Oh, they colored over it. Oh, I have Yeah, so you would sit you would text long time thankfully you'd open it up and it's be watching all men blowing You know anyone that ever sent that to their dad. Oh god. No, I never yeah, I never I didn't ever have the courage My friend in church I would find the humor in this now he was fast my friend in church one time You know like to you know to Catholic church you the sign of peace and shake hands My friend gave his dad the French tickle on the side of his end it duty fully flipped He held up a hand. He was like, what the fuck like he's gonna hit him because it kind of dealt. Oh, man There it is Classic. These guys are having a good time. They really are too good for that. The bottom's having a great time Yeah, who's the worst position? Who's the best position? I think the guy in the lane on his back isn't doing the best. Yeah, he's probably asleep. Honestly. They're all This is the worst Holocaust bit footage I've ever seen It's the worst way to find out someone died He's cold He's got a mouth-to-mouth Almost looks like the same guy like almost like a photograph. Yeah. Yeah, holy shit. It's like an emcee Escher The kisser looks a little Epstein-esque Yeah, wait to old though. One of the left kind of got to do any. I thought this was Tom Brady The old man gay porn market is crazy crazy man's ass. You've got to have a strong tongue We are not well kept. That's true. I didn't think about it. It's gross. Stop at the mountain Stop at the ass-eating mountain. I'll just find out how I'm hearing with the next one. There we go Yeah, this is just stupid if like when your kids get Like they you take them to like a circus or whatever and they buy some dumb thing that you know They kind of forced you to buy like a blinking thing with a blinking light if I come down in the dark and I see the light blinking I want to just like snap it in half. Wow. It just pisses me off. It's just this fucking piece of shit toy And you come down. It's supposed to be dark It's just like a multi-colored pulsing light. You're like what the fuck is that you go? It's that fucking thing So unicorn bubble maker that I bought for $40 fucking dollars. Wow. Yeah, that pisses me off man Yeah, the amount of batteries you buy with a kid is crazy. Yeah, it's pretty nuts. Everything lights up and whatnot Yeah, so yeah, true. We'll see you guys holding any peeps. I think we may have one more. I don't know. I don't have any good shit And I got a toast. I want to hear it. We even in toast in a while We do a toast for it because while we do his peeve, so every now and then you got to give a shout out something good. Oh, okay There's a new taco spot on a Christopher Street. I is this one. I'm thinking of I think it is right by What is it papaya? What's that called? It's got I went into the digs. I was jones in first taco and it's cheap. It's quick It's got the salsa bar a big toast to the salsa restaurant They got the bar with the free the green salsa the red the the spicy the lime wedges the radishes the onions That's made. That's a radish. Love a pickled Beater onion too. Oh, yeah, I went to one that used to be they used to have a on St. Mark's used to be like that But it was a falafel bar. Oh, this is incredible. That's nice. You just pack it in a piti just fucking. Yeah, it's great It's the best was it and is this like made orders like a chipotle style or they like yeah I was in front of you and you see the guy whipping it up and you're like that's my chicken. That's my core dude Yeah, yeah, self-serve salsa bar. Oh huge man. I'm sure that's big in Texas. Yeah, you get him But not everywhere does a man. So when you see him. It's like this is it's really nice I guess you guys got the good mix man. That's like the one in New York. We haven't we don't we have a couple spots Yeah, it's not the same. No, they really they really in Texas. That's some good. Yeah, the Mexican food there is for real phenomenal Oh, I'm with you on this one the next one People which want indoor bro. It's the worst. I can't stand indoor lights man. Yeah speaking up It's pretty fucking bright in here. Yeah, this is like at least you're like you need them. It's like a podcast You need for filming but like yeah, dude like when I first thing the morning the lights come on it Yeah, it fucking it really pisses me off now you realize how healthy natural light is you just go outside and you feel the sun You're like this is what I'm supposed to do. Yeah, this is fucking bullshit. It's dude like a good like a fuller like a fluorescent light and like an office like they used to make me feel like ghastly man. Yes, my apartment lights even kind of suck. They're even too right Yeah, you know you get the blue light blockers, but you look like the world's biggest store That's the red light before that I have the red light lamp by my bed. It helps. What is that? It's just a red light Yeah, blue light wakes you up and red light kind of calms you down because blue lights like daylight and red lights like more sunset That's why you wear the blue light blockers and everything looks red. I have the salt lamp, which is kind of like red light I do I do it also if I'm like watching a show or something before bed. I'll put the the glasses me too I do them if I have to fly early because like the airport and you like wake up when it's dark and go to the and you're just like I put the blue You put the blockers on that is actually nice. Yeah, but you know, it's just some people see him like what the fuck is that? You look like a like a like a marksman or something Well, it's face time with a girl and she's got the red light. I got the red light We look like we're like face time from like two thousand one space out of six Like this looks so fucking weird, but well the red light district horrors must see great True I like sleep like baby. Yeah, I mean their assholes are bleeding You know their handler kicks them back into a burlapsack, but Wait a minute for breeze. This isn't I don't like the plug-ins man. I don't like them What are these again? The for breeze plug plug them in the wall and they and it smells yeah I would say more like chemically just yeah, especially when they spray if I'm just standing Somewhere like it's sprayed with a mist of chemical sense that like fucking pisses me off It is a very artificial chemically smell. Yeah, I am huge. I'll I've been to places before and I'll just like kind of pop I didn't I want you to go to a gym where they kept them. I would pop them out of the wall and just nice I hated them. Well, the tells got that old joke. I was a little just thinking of this. Yeah, I can't remember It was something about when you see this for breeze like who you fooling. I know you did something smelly in here Now it's lemon and shit It's an old that's like skanks for the memories that tell yeah, yeah, I was just thinking that's good bit Okay, it's what the last one If people say no to petting your dog if I ask somebody to pet the dog and they're like no, that's crazy Dude it happened to me in the grocery store the other day and I was and it was like a dog a type of breed I used to have so like oh man you have an akita. Let me let me and they were like yeah, I prefer if you didn't I was so fucking mad and you know like it was with my wife and I'm walking away I'm like she's a fucking bitch my wife is like relaxed. It's her dog. She can say and I'm like that's fucked up Yeah, I was mad. I mean it's your wife. She's a stickler for the rules. She is she is, but you're right She is, but it was like I just want to pet your dog like what the fuck? She was like yeah, I'd prefer if you didn't and just kind of like walked like yank deletion Just like she's some owner It's also like I'd prefer a such a weird way to phrase it. Yeah Like on like make up a lie like all I'm sorry. He's got a bad test something. I thought I was just being that I was just like Asking was just like a formality. I was like getting ready to grab this dog's head I was just trying to be polite and be like hey, you might have a better dog and she's like yeah actually no wow the dog's probably like come on Yeah, look the fuck yeah, let me get this bet. Let me get this bet. Yeah I do I love akitas. They're like what are those look like they're There's these like giant Japanese dogs They have a curly tails and they're like they're like vicious guard dogs too. Oh The Simpson had Nikita. Did he really? I guess they're not that good go dogs When she was killed This is how you know oh Jay did it because it would not attack its owner. Yes, but it would attack a stranger for sure attacking its owner. Yeah, dang. That's a good. That's actually good defense because yeah They are like they were like I feel like I feel like people say it's about all dogs But they still like guard like the children because they're very good with their family But if a stranger walks in they'll literally just try to kill you and it's rare. You see a dog in black face I mean look at that. That's full-out Jolson on that thing Dude and they don't really they wouldn't bark they kind of just like if I had someone come into my house They'll just quietly Felt like shadow that person and if they like move quick they'll jump up and they're awesome. Whoa interesting Really cool Akita. Yeah, really good dog. That's a that's a shout out to the key to Jeff Ross has a giant Guard dog and then he brings it everywhere and always run into him on the street because we go to the same coffee shop And every time I see this dog it like just lunges to attack me and I'm like that. That's kind of a pee Yeah, I'm like every time I just wave I'm like I'm like all right. Sorry Yeah, that's annoying and they always go. He's all right. He's all right You know, it's like everyone like when we stop bringing him around everywhere. Yeah, there's fucking weapon with you Yeah, exactly try to bite me. Yeah, we're gonna gun that's just faulty. We had a my dad and his brother said like a trash business And they had like this, you know trash yard where they had like literally like a junkyard dog And it was the meanest dog like it would it would like for real try to bite like I was a little kid And I would like pedid's head and if I stopped it would be like Star growling and it bit like a couple of customers. She's and they had they fucking put it down like Bay did it themselves Fuck remember how scary that was we'd walk by that one house with the dog and it would be like come running up at you Yeah, we'd like eat the fence trying to get to you and you're like Jesus. Who's choices to move you the sandlot? Yeah Steery dog do you ever get chased by a dog? Oh, yeah, I remember I did my time. Yeah, we were freaking out I got it like it it got me it didn't bite me just like knocked me down Pause on me and I was pretty nice, but I was shit myself. Yeah. I just I cried my mom had to come out 38, but But yeah, the junkyard dog they put it down themselves my uncle's like shot it Shot it old school old school shot it and it took like two rounds of still life Yeah, it was really grissued in the head. Yeah, where are you from right outside Philadelphia? Oh, yeah, right in Delaware County But yeah, I mean it's kind of fucking nuts. They did that. Yeah, they're like yeah, we put their dogs that dog was I was like I was like I used to see it like I'd pet it and I still like the dog Yeah, and like I we had to put it down like yeah We shot that thing like three times in the head. It's still still moving who his uncle was crispy gnome Yeah, it's I know it's not a popular take to say, you know shot the dog. That was that's crazy growing up It was like yeah, you put animals down like I grew up on like a down in other places too I guess yeah, that was just that you know because I grew up in kind of like a rural area and like yeah You would like I'll go out with my dad and like if you in his garden if there was like I think they're called voles Like kind of like a little groundhog tunneling animal and he'd be like all right We're gonna drop smoke bombs in the holes and you'd smoke it out and just stand by the last hole with the gun And just dude it was pretty brutal. Well, that sounds kind of fun though with the it was pretty fucking it was pretty fucking awesome Yeah, but yeah, it was like yeah, they just in like dude like their eye would just be like gone It just blows these things apart Do they have Rex to do it? Do I see it Rex? Oh, yeah, these are gonna be does man, but oh, you know It's good dude the chili pad chili. That's a huge wreck for me. Yeah, so like you know, you're like you're just bed gets hot when you're sleeping Yeah, there's the thing you plug into your wall and you fill a unit with water Do you got to use distilled water so the minerals don't build up and like clog it? So you roll that little pad out underneath your sheet and it covers like half the bed so my wife has regular bed I have chili bed and it maintains like you can set the temperature so I do like 60-40 degrees So my side of the bed is just like a frigid Freezing area the whole time I'm sleeping damn. That's great in the summer. Oh, dude. It's it's awesome I think our buddy Ryan Hamilton uses this dude. It this is a I was like, you know, I heard about him, but I started using it It's like and it's just so nice to turn it on brush your teeth Take a shower and you get in your bed. It's just ice cold. It's a good wreck. Yeah, do you keep the room cold? It's cold as I can with the wife, dude You know what I mean? They they're like a guana's bro So I keep it as cold as I can and then also her feet will come over it on my chili pad It's like an electric fan. She's like ah So I got diarrhea real bad Mexico that that bed was a chili Low THC weeds Yeah, similar thing though I like a man. They're nice. They're nice for a little backyard barbecue because they're not like They make them like 2.5 milligrams where you can like have one and not like freak and you can slowly drink them on They're I'm big on those all right good call. So this is a done John Martin It's just a guy I've been listening to it's just he's like a obscure kind of like British folk singer from the 70s It's not really the thing that rivets the nation's pull him up. I like folk. He's dude. He's actually he's got a cool story too What's the story? He just was like, you know kicking around him. He was a musician and then his wife Was like he married he met this lady who was a like a I think it's with a Y. Oh, there he is. There he is But his why he like met this lady who's a successful musician and then like he was like I'll just be like a studio guitars for you Then he completely took over the album It was like yeah, we're gonna be co-writing and then he impregnated her and just like left for two decades He went on the road and became a successful man. Yeah, but he's really good Right on my ass. Oh, yeah, and he and he plays in a bunch of weird tunings too So like you know his songs you can like tune the guitar so when you strum and it sounds like a chord in and of itself So he was just like he'd always mess with all these weird tunings He was all if you watch his videos. He's always like just yacked out of his mind doing concerts It's really a funny guy. Hell yeah, but he eventually got super fat and he became an alcoholic and He like broke his neck by crashing into a cow. I'm like a country road and I ended up losing his foot Oh no from some other type of infection. There he is dude turn into a fucking unit And there's a doc. He's really cool. There's a documentary on him and he had like lost his foot He's in this horrible car crash and you know, he's just like his whole life kind of exploded and they just he got to play Like just a show and like a pub. He was like traveling the world He was like a pretty you know, he was like hanging out with Phil Collins and shit, but eventually he just like has one leg You just shows up and plays a show and I can hold pub and he's just you know like this is awesome I got like so that guy playing slots and Vegas He dude he went he went full-bore. He just drank a day. That is a face. That is an amazing face But he's so fucking good man. I'm gonna listen to him. I'm pumped. Yeah John my solid air was like his big You ever hear of Nick Drake? Yeah, so he solid air he wrote that him and Nick Drake were boys and he wrote that for Nick Drake His Nick Drake was a sad boy. Yeah, holy moly. See this is what's good. You were worried about this wreck. This is good stuff It's a deep cut for sure, but some people you wreck into the right people here We nice and I feel like our listeners love shit like this. Yeah more of a future guy - God Martin, he's got a huge, you can like, if you want something new to listen to, 'cause that's on Spotify, just get like, the same fucking shit I listen to all the time. So this was like a guy got to like, really go like through the album by album by Danny. He keeps surprising me with new songs. - Yeah, and hey, micro-dosing, we can all get behind that. - Yeah, look, that's it. The chili pad, weed celters, music, and micro-dosing, that's how. - I've never, I've still never tried much. - Really not a drug. - Not a drug, man, I don't know. - Motion is our number one. - I'm gonna try it. - I'll try with you, I'll try it. - Yeah, we'll do the show. - That's a good idea, that's a bad idea. - I know that's what I'm gonna do it, but. - I mean, you could, you can just throw it away if you freak out, but. - I gotta wreck. - All right. - I'll do audiobook sometimes, 'cause I'll, you know, just walk around a lot, and I started this audiobook, it's called "Educated" by Tara Westover, it's incredible. It's this woman who grew up like Mormon in Idaho, and it's like the dad was completely like crazy off the grid, like, wouldn't let them go to school and let them do anything, and it's just her childhood, but it's so well written. It's like, she's such a good writer, buddies with Ryan Hamilton, that's how I heard about it. - Oh, okay. - It's memoir, I like memoirs, it's really good. - All right. - That's awesome. - Is there a hook? Like, does she come out on top as a-- - Well, clearly, she's out, yeah, I mean, you know, she's writing about it, so. - Cool. - So she escaped Mormonism, you're saying? - Yeah, it's pretty cool, but it's just like crazy stories. I mean, they wouldn't let you go to the doctor. - She's got a boy friend. - She was like, well, her brother was in a car crash, and his teeth were like fucked up like here, and they were like, you can't go to a-- - Damn. - And the mom was in the same crash, and the mom is kind of fucked up from it, and they kept thinking she was getting better, but they were like, no doctor, the dad's like, if she's meant to be better, God will see to it. And then she became into like healing and all this work. It's crazy, then the first older brother gets out, and he's going to college, so she's kind of hearing about it, and the dad's like, college is bad, but she's like, you're a kid, you don't know who to trust. - Yeah, that's pretty cool. - It's just really well written, it's compelling. - Yeah, I like it good. - Bigger. - That's good. - I got a peeve. - Please, it moves me. - All right, all right. Two of them, do you ever have this guy? He goes, what do you think of John Martin? I go, I don't know him. You don't know John Martin? (laughing) That's why I said, I don't know him. You don't know him! Where you go? - It's the same guy, he goes, oh, I'm out of cash, you got any cash? I have no cash. You have no cash. (laughing) Yes, I have no cash, so you love any cash at all? That's what no cash is, so I hate that guy. - Yeah, they're putting their problem on you. - Yeah. - They're like, how dare you? - Right, and the doubling down of it all. - Oh, that's so fucking funny. - Now this one's real, this guy's a real piece. I love this guy. So I'm trying to start playing tennis. I got a racket, I have courts by my house, but it's old school. You gotta sign up on a booklet on the fence, and the people get there at 5 a.m. - Yeah. - So I tried to wake up early, I got up at 8, which is early for me. I ran out to the sign up sheet, and I couldn't find it. And I see people playing tennis, and I was like, where does that sign up sheet? And the guy goes, dude, you missed it. It's all filled up. And I'm like, okay, well where is it? So I know for next time he goes, it's full. (laughing) And I'm like, let me just know where it is. So I can sign up and it goes, I'm trying to tell you, you're not gonna get on the court today, the whole sheet's full. And I'm like, where is the fucking sheet, it goes, it's full. I'm like, I know it's full, where is it? So I went back and forth, 20 minutes, I don't know where the sheet is. - Dude, damn. - That sucks. - And you woke up early, you proud of your song. - I had to rack it in hand, I had a hot outfit on. Short shorts. - You played with your wife or your solo, what do you do? - No, I'd rather play with a wall. (laughing) I got me in Ruby, go out there. - Oh wow. - Yeah, but I was like, I'll get the sign up, 'cause I wake up early, I got a baby, and the guy yelled at me. - Oh, dude, I had a scaled down version of that recently. I brought, I have two dogs, and I brought them to, like a little, you know, it's like a field of it. It's like kind of like an impromptu dog park thing. And I, like my one dog is like losing his vision. And like, I watch him walk into stuff in my house. Like, he's going blind. I can verify, you know, it's like, I verified this to my own experience. Sitting there at the dog park, I'm like, he's walking along, he walks towards this guy. And I'm like, oh, you know, he's blind, carefully might walk into you, the guy goes, it's looking blind at me. (laughing) He's getting around pretty good. I'm like, well, I watch him walk into stuff all the time. And he's like, well, how'd that happen? I was like, you know, I don't know, man. I know like, one time he ate like 14 chocolate cupcakes. He was like my one daughter's birthday, and he just crushed a bunch of chocolate cupcakes. And I was like, I asked the vet, and the vet said it's not even about the chocolate, but the sugar from all of that can do like some sort of diabetic thing, and maybe that messed up his vision. The guy goes, I got diabetes, doesn't work that way. (laughing) And I had to just be like, all right, man, I'm leaving. Like I'm not gonna sit here and argue. My dog is fucked up, I'm with him every day, and your kind of sending doctors pretty fucking annoying. He wasn't even a doctor. Oh, yeah. This guy was just a guy. He was just like, he had diabetes apparently. I thought he was there for some reason. No, he was just kind of like-- That's crazy. That's crazy. Just been a gate guy, just negating everything. Doesn't look blind at me. It's like, that's even worse. I just watched him walk into a concrete picnic table, dude. Like he's definitely blind. Yeah, fuck. Does he get fucked up like it hit his nose? All the time. Like now he listens though, he never listened before. And now if I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, he's like, he stops. And I can kind of-- It's kind of nice. It's kind of nice. You're a dog whisperer. (laughing) Damn. Dog whisperer, another guy who got divorced, by the way. Once again, ladies, you're inconceivable. They initiate, women initiate, I think, like 75% of divorces. That's what I heard, too. That's why lesbian is number one. Oh, they get divorced. Hard, man. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's a truck with no breaks right there. (laughing) Also, you gotta think, the periods are sinking. Oh, did I get double period in one home? Yeah, neither one used home back on those fists. Exactly. Yeah, and, you know, at that point too, it's if it's double period, there's no one there to be like, yeah, well, this isn't really a big, you know, it's not a real problem. This is-- Yeah, you need the cushion guy who's like, takes the blows. Now it's just two big cascading waves of blood. (laughing) Yeah, that's, that could be tough. Hey, that would be tough, man. I mean, it's like the shining in there. Totally. It's a quick peep, but it's okay. Yeah, it is. Overacting in shower sex scenes. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good. We're not talking, we're not talking, we're not. Well, no, I'm talking to movies. And like, in movies like you would see in a theater. Like, they're like-- What, wait, shower sex scenes? Yeah, there's, people have sex in-- Like, shower in movies. (laughing) And they're like, oh, I think they're grabbing like, the side of the wall of the figure and now. Oh, that's how it goes. Yeah, if you have sex in the shower, there's nothing like that. Yeah, one of you's just annoyed that the other one's wet and you're not. Yeah. You know, I was, I thought you were saying overacting in porn, but that annoys me when the dude's like hamming it up too much. I'm like, all right, you know why we're here? Why don't you settle down? And why are you showing the guy's face? And the guy's like, oh, all right, all right. All right, we're both making the same face. The porn guy, the porn guy who wanted to be like Jerry Lewis. And he's like, Jesus Christ, I'm trying to jerk off you. He's ruining it. Yeah, by the way, fun fact, I always saw a study on this. What is the female body part that is observed the most in porn? I would say the feet are the eyes. Ooh, I would say the face. Interesting, the face. Oh, yeah. 'Cause you want to know how she leads the reacting to it. Yeah. So you think, Ted, it's vagina, but-- So if anything, we'll be guys. Yeah. We're good for watching it. We cheer up your face. I like it. Yeah. Yeah, we're good people. We're good. We're good for the gist of it. We're good for real. All right, we got some dates. Well, yeah, plug some dates. First, I've watched Matt's new special on Netflix. I'm lawful. Thank you guys. I'm a lawful friend. It was, yeah, it was cool. It was cool to make. I'm excited. It's coming out. Yeah. And yeah, I'll be in Buffalo, New York, October 17th, and then Bricktown. I'll be in Tulsa, the Naples, Florida, Madison, Wisconsin, and the Blue Room in Springfield, Missouri. That's a good one. Matt McCusker.com. So yeah, I'm excited. Have you done Madison? Yes. I love that one. I love the green room. The best. I love that. The best, Jerry. All right. What do you got, Fettie? Barcelona, Milan, Dublin, Liverpool, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin, and then second time this year. Salt Lake City. Wise guys. Back for seconds. I love that. I love that spot. November 14th through 16th. Reno, Nevada, November 29th. And then Carnegie Hall. December 4th. Please come out today. That's awesome. That's going to be done. Samuel L.A. Packed out. All right. Hey. We are going to. I don't know when this comes out. Oh, Athens, Greece, maybe Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm. I got doubling the night before you. God dammit. So I'm stealing those tickets. Ships in the night. Oh, you are. But you've never been. I've been to Dublin. Oh, you've been there. No, you'll crush me. No, my tickets aren't good. All right. I like Ubies. I did too. It's good to hear. But I was blaming anti-Semitism. It's not great to hear. Yeah. Do you have a goobies in Baltimore area? Washington, DC. Chocolate, sit day, the Lincoln Theater, Rochester, Kodak Center, Niagara Falls, that's on the Ontario side, the Good side. And then San Diego and prior Lake Minnesota outside of Minneapolis for the casino. And I'm adding more dates. And hopefully we'll sell this special. Get somebody to get. You will. For sure. Get somebody to head by, headwiskey.com. See you next week, guys. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you guys. [MUSIC] ♪ But I remember and I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪