Ep 251: Dan Soder & Greg Stone

hey congratulations on 250 episodes everybody that's why me and my friend kumail nanjiani came by yeah i've shrunken him man he's hot now it's crazy so hot that jaw i know that jaw almost feels like he had worked oh how do you know with hair tits i can't be far you think i think it might be just the juice dude that might be the roids it's sucking him back testosterone the juice killed christ it did jesus christ the juice is loose the juice everyone knows that no juice in the building christ was on anabolic steroids and that's why it looks so good that's why it's all shredded that's why it's four percent body fat ted alexandro classic ted joke oh yeah because he should use those jesus needs his own workout video body of christ oh yeah oh yeah because that's what you want to do one out of a savior because have you seen buddha sloppy vintage ted tim's a man i love ted ted tim well what a fucking shitty what a stoner thing yeah my friend marty he's like his name is marvin you're like fuck ted alexandro fucking rules a story of legend he i think he was there before everyone else probably i think he was like that one of the og astoria people oh that's right that's why he's a queen's guy he's born and raised yeah so he was actually living at home in the woods is he that's the way to go oh no i bet he's got a great beard woods is either i made it i'm living in like a giant cabin on the on the on the lake or ted kaczynski you're a fucking unabomber it's the ultimate happiness or the ultimate sadness yes there's nothing like i'm content or the world must pay yeah i need nothing from the world or i have a manifesto yeah either way i need to put my thumbprint on the world yeah yeah and make i mean kaczynski i had some good points oh smart he did he really he's a very smart guy yeah he wasn't right no you read his shit you go he kind of called technology taking over every single thing that's true and that's what got turned in by his own brother yeah that's that right his brother his brother did it yeah what was his brother's name like mike kaczynski yeah what was his brother david kaczynski david kaczynski oh the nerd oh the nerd of the fucking narc snitch are they growing up in chicago you guys aren't gonna believe this but my brother ted is in the woods blowing up he's sending bombs to professors well there's a story about kaczynski trying to impress a girl and he gives her this like little when they're in high school he gave her some you could look this up some little type of thing that like exploded to like show off to her and it's like yeah that's not how you get pussy dude i don't know my point is it didn't work for him or he wouldn't have been the unabomber i'm just saying yeah that's true he was getting pussy if he would i mean imagine if it was though imagine if that's why he went down the unabomber thing is because he was getting so much pussy like it dude i don't know dude i sent a bomb in the mail next thing you know i'm getting sucked off she's like can you use the vibrators like i don't trust technology they're in there yeah i'll make my own yeah yeah look at that do you have a lawnmower and a dildo look at this as a child he once played a prank on a female classmate involving a harmless exploding device which they both found amusing i don't know if that's true though all right which they both found that's racist she goes okay it was a great by the way by the way can we look at the bottom of my jaw can we look into that as a red flag for a potential fucking hazard later in life no no no guy make a child making explosives what happened to flowers it's kind of like when a cat leaves a mouse at your door oh this is bad but also uh you could be dangerous yeah but you could be very i can't let you in the house you're very very dangerous they kill mice for fun yeah not even like a eating thing they just want to knock them around yeah evil my dad's roommate's cat would bring muskrats from the lake how big are we talking very big like the size of the cat it would be like if i killed a man and brought it to katie and was like you know i had a rat he brought veder i killed veder and put it down to my front door you said you what you know i had a fucking rat you had a rat in your house or in your fucking crew who ratted on you was the fucking rat it was devito i knew it that's son of a bitch what the fuck is it i'm finding in your apartment yeah dude dude no way we did a whole fucking episode nope you wait till you see the size of this fucker it's plump they're so big yeah rats he's leaving the droppings oh they just have size poop everywhere i know well i'll walk my dog and one will go by and myrtle will be like i'm gonna kill that you're like i don't want you to get involved with that right you don't want to fuck with a rat yeah city rat oh i'm sending it to you peter well you know you go to denmark and you're like everybody's tall here that's what the rats are like in new york yeah if there was a rat nba they'd be being recruited out of new york this is it if you want a good lineman you go to ohio or like nebraska you want a big rat you go to new york city that's true san francisco yeah that's got some big rats yeah yeah big big gay rat community it's like oh the rat houses the bath the rat bath houses castro he's a castro rat he goes we just spread viruses by smearing our shit that's in your house had two fucking exterminators come by with hockey sticks got him beat his ass to death that's true true story i they come by with hockey sticks you see black dudes with hockey sticks yeah watch out yeah they're not in the ottawa senators all right anyway that's how they did it they should i had two guys come before the third guy comes with hockey sticks i've told this what are they the hansen brothers i know that's what i said that's my favorite scene in fucking slapshot yeah the hansen brothers come in and just start beating the shit out of everyone you hired like that would be a funny way though if you hired like hansen brother exterminators and they're all wearing chiefs jerseys hockey jersey and they come with like funny glasses and then they go well we beat the rats to death yeah the hockey stick when the guy in the movie goes these kids are a fucking disgrace it's great i watched that i watched that movie on like a upn on like a sunday morning when i was like this movie it just it was one of those movies where you watch on cable and you go i can't turn the movie off yeah paul newman obviously making me go there yeah love a down and out sports movie yep but you're right minor league minor league sports is is something special because it's pure love of the game they love toys they were like right brain yeah yeah and it had grit to it the movie was nasty yeah they beat the shit out of people they showed it i leave the house so because i was going i do joel wachowski's basketball game on sundays yeah and i go i have to run out of joel yeah dude but i go out but i uh he goes i got it he sends me that picture of the dead rat within fucking 10-15 minutes and and i wrote you found him dead and he wrote i made him dead oh that's cool and then and then uh that's like a liam neeson line it's pretty fucking badass i was pretty fucking banging pamela yeah good for him i know good for her he's happy also giant dick huge enormous so tommy lee's got nothing to stand on anymore oh i could stand on one but it is if you're liam neeson you run into him you go the only man who could have a larger cock than you is me and her older age she's not as stretchy but she knows how to make it work and she's taking it yeah she loves it it makes me very happy that's it that's a two viagra dick probably at 73 you need an extra boost to get it up 73 i think though but him in new love since his wife died oh yeah tragic tragic dead apparently uh apparently you know he like swore it wasn't over yeah he was like swore it off for like 12 or 16 years like ever he swore off i think pretty publicly ever being in a relationship again yeah and then pam anderson and her and by the way since her documentaries came out since she's embraced being who she is i love it i dated someone who banged him and really yeah i didn't ask about the dick because we all know the co-star of rob roy when he took her on that beth stelling fucked him that's crazy no but all the bits yeah so now when i watch schindler's list i'm even sadder so we go all right no just five more jews i could have not fucked i could have not fucked sam's girlfriend are you dating sam morrell but she told me they met on a on a flight and uh yeah they went on three dates she said he was a lovely guy and that sucks yeah he was scottish or irish he's irish okay i believe he's irish i think we don't want him in a kilt big rangers fan he's in a lot of the rangers games really he just all around seems awesome 73 years old born in 52 and he is so good in ireland he's from northern ireland where the troubles were oh the troubles i saw probably he was not pleased with his fan he was not pleased with how they killed him off in uh star wars oh he was like i'm a jedi it's a weak death i keep talking about this my thing that i watch on the road are like youtube videos of of movies what they were supposed to be or why they didn't get made it's just that's my algorithm oh yeah and so i love it and so there was a thing about qui-gon jinn originally i'm sorry if you've seen me say this on another podcast because i just said it on another one i can't remember what but originally qui-gon jinn was ewan mcgregor and obi-wan was liam neeson and the whole point is liam neeson's character gets obi-wan gets killed and then qui-gon takes the obi-wan name to then try as like um uh homage because obi-wan was like the great teacher and you know what i mean so he's like i'll become obi-wan This is like Mad Men, Don Draper, Dick Whitman shit right here. Exactly. But that's how they had it, and then they changed it. But originally it was supposed to be Ewan McGregor was Qui-Gon Jinn, and then at the end of the movie he becomes Obi-Wan in this big scene where he's like, I'll be Obi-Wan Kenobi. But then it would be confusing if you're like, well, which one's Obi-Wan? Which one's Alec McGinnis? What's the real one? Well, they said that's why in Star Wars A New Hope, the first one, in the very first Star Wars, there's a moment where they say, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he goes, that's a name I haven't heard in a very long time. And it was supposed to be a reference to the thought that he wasn't really Obi-Wan, he was Qui-Gon Jinn. This is why you can't judge a book. You see this 6'4 guy walking down 3rd Avenue with that voice, he knows Qui-Gon. You guys want to talk episode one? You know, JoJo Binks really got a bad rap when you think about it. By the way, our next licker, Qui-Gon Jinn. Oh, yeah. Let's do it. If you think George Lucas won't get up your asshole about that. That's true, he's very litigious. He's going to fuck your guys' shit up. Oh, yeah. A little seasoned assist action. He'll take it to the Jar Jar Bank. Yeah, dude, he will. Yeah, you guys will get Qui-Gon. Oh, look at that. Qui-Gon. But it was still fun. Damn it. Did someone actually make it? No. Oh, just show Photoshop. Yeah, yeah. Qui-Gon. All right, shit. You don't want to get in the Star Wars fucking merch game. No. You'll get crushed. No, no. I do have all the toys, though. You do? I collected every figure. The 70s figures. I have them all. You have them all? Like the original ones. Yeah, even during Katrina, they were untouched. Really? I was lucky. Our basement got flooded. But somehow the Star Wars, they're in a giant Darth Vader flip out thing. Damn. You know, with little- Those are ones that you could probably- I didn't know you were like that. Action figure guy? I was a big action figure guy. Me too. Oh, really? I was like wrestling figures. How long, though? That's it. That's the Darth Vader thing. That's sick. And it's all full. I remember one of my friends having that. Yeah, it was big. I was an action figure guy, and we got a buddy that's joining us. But we got a buddy that's a huge action figure guy that's joining us. Yeah, yeah. But I was too late. I did it too late. Yeah, it was the smoking cigarettes thing. I loved them. I just loved- They're fun. Figures. I loved getting a new figure. I loved like- It's anxiety, too, I think. Yeah. You want something in your hands. It is the same reason you smoke. It really is. You just graduate to it. What were your guys' figures? Mine were Ninja Turtles, Wrestling, and X-Men. I was wrestling. I was all about wrestling. I would say if I'm ranking them, it went Wrestling, X-Men, Turtles. But I was real big. The Turtles ones were great because they got the squishy head, the non-squishy head. You got the toys, the scythe, the nunchucks. They were all great. They got the weapons. They also had- My dad bought me the van. I had all the Hasbro. I mean, dude, I had a ring full of those guys. Yeah. Everyone that's pictured I had. Damn. Including the natural disasters. Typhoon and earthquake down there. I was a DC guy. I have all the Aquaman, the Flash, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman. Do you remember the original Super Friends toys from the 80s? Yes, I have those. With like the cloth capes? Yes, I have them. They had a little- A little metallic- Yeah, the ring around their necks with the cape. Those were my favorite. It was the original Justice League ones from the 80s. There it is, right there. That's it, baby. So see that? See, the Batman is from the movie, but the superheroes one right there to the left, those were like, oh, gee, that was my childhood. Yeah, same, same. That is my childhood. I love the primary colors. You were a DC guy. Yeah, DC, through and through. Loved Batman. Really? That's rare. Man, Robin was a fucking little twink. Look at this. Oh, yeah. So see those Batmans on the side? Look at the legs. What are we doing? What are we doing here? The Batman right there is actually, that's from the original movie. That's the movie, yeah, with Michael Keaton. And my dad, one of the only good things he ever did, that's Bob. Oh, yeah. Which was a reference that Joe List and I made for 20 years doing standup where we'd be going on stage, I'd go, Bob, you're my number one man. Yes. We'd do that all the time. But my dad, we went to a toy store when I was spending a weekend with my dad when he still lived in Denver, and he bought me Bob and the Joker. Damn. And I was like, I want Batman. And he's like, buddy, they're out of Batman. And I was like, it was one of those lessons where we were like, I'll just be grateful that I got Bob and the Joker. You got two for one. And then we went and got in his car. He hid the Batman. Oh, shit. What a dad. One of the best, I mean, the only good thing he ever did. Arguably the only good thing he ever did. Damn. But that's a great. That's a nice little. Sneaking a toy on a kid, it's pretty sick. I just sent my cousin's daughter a Switch 2 out of nowhere. Damn. Better than sneaking a Digit. Yeah. But yeah. Where does he get those wonderful toys? Oh, that's great. How about Stretch Armstrong? That was a fucking good one. That was great to destroy. Yeah. See if you could break it with your friends. That's true. I ate the inside once. What? Big mistake. I tasted it. You cut it open and ate that like blood? Yeah. The blood of Stretch? Too curious. How about Creepy Crawlers? Oh. Remember Gak? Oh, I love Gak. Gak. Gak was his cold cum. That had a moment. Cold cum. It just got you to learn how to deal with your cum. That's true. It was just prepping us for cum. Just like cum. I'd throw it on a girl. Hey, on your tits. Then I'd say sorry and get a washcloth. If she liked it, you're like, hey. Oh, fuck. Apologize. Five minutes later, you want to throw it back on her? Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. Gak was a fun thing. Gak was fun because you could do this with your thumb and ankle. Yes. You could just make the shit noise. It was prep for a vagina. Yeah. It was good. Listen, they were getting you ready. Oh, yeah. They were grooming. Nickelodeon was grooming. Oh, they were. Yeah. It was more in all the ways. Yeah, that was a good time. Gak was so fun. And then did your fucking middle school science class, did you ever make your own Gak? No. In chemistry? No, no. You did that one year. Really? You were going to make your own Gak. And everyone was like, oh, shit. And I was like, I've been making my own Gak at night in my bedroom. I've been making my own Gak through a couple rolling stone pictures of Britney Spears. What's the worst thing you dissected? We had the frog and the pig. I never had a pig. We did the frog. That's all we did. It was so funny. We did like a feral cat. What? Oh, he's a New Yorker. It was fucked up. What? That's why you didn't do a pigeon. That's the most New Yorker shit I've ever heard. It was awful. I hated it. Hey, this thing's been on my fire escape for a month. We're going to see how its lungs work. Next week we'll do a Puerto Rican. I'm going to bring the guy from the bodega. He took it out of a burlap sack. Was it still alive? He just smacked it. He goes, you guys ready for science? He just pulls it out. Takes a hockey stick. Shut up. That's a cat? It was like a really gross. Did they warn you? Did they skin it? It's too furry. The fur would fuck with me. It was really gross. I wonder if they're warning you because kids have cats as pets. I hated it. Exactly. I remember we had a project, this teacher, and we had to solve it using DNA. And we all got our separate ones. And I realized, I was like, this was right when I realized I could cheat. I Googled the story that she created that I had to solve using DNA. And I just found the ending online. And I completely cheated. But I was like, and that's how I had to make. I couldn't figure out the DNA. So I just had to make up the thing for the whole class. And she gave me a dirty look. She knew it didn't add up. She knew? She knew, but she couldn't call me on it because I could call her for plagiarizing. She's like the prosecutor. You're like the dirty cop. And she goes, I know you want this case in the black. But God damn it. But she couldn't call me on it because I could have called her out for plagiarizing and being lazy. That's really funny. So I got the fucking A. That's really funny. But I plagiarized. It's really awesome to think that they put all these kids in the position of murder police. Yeah, right? Kids going home. I pulled a Columbo. I turned back. There's one thing that bothered me about that DNA. Miss G, one more thing. When you came in, you said we had to solve. But you don't have Google. Columbo, your teacher, is so funny. And anything with DNA is already weird. Yeah. We found Gak in the anal cavity. That was that old Chappelle joke on his HBO half hour where he's like, I don't know if I could ever leave my DNA around a crime scene. He does the whole thing. He's like, hold on, one last thing. I've got a jerk on me. You're off. Yeah. Because your DNA is like, how they get it, it's either blood or cum. And that was always weird about Law and Order, SVU, because it was like, you can't curse, you can't show anything. But you were like, there's semen all over this woman's butthole. Yeah, there's semen everywhere. That was the joke. It is weird to make a clean show about sexual assault. TV friendly? Right. About rape? Yeah. That pitch, Dick Wolf goes, you guys probably think this is going to sound crazy. We put rape on TV. Right. They go, what do you mean rape? He goes, I mean, kid rape, adult rape, all of it. Yeah. You sodomize him with a pine cone, you sick fuck. No, you can't say fuck. No, no, no. Exactly. Can't do that. Can I say a sick asshole? No, it's not past the watershed moment. And we're going to bring a rapper and a comedian to be in it. A former pimp. Yeah. Belzer. Richard Belzer. The guy who said cop killer is now a cop. Yeah. He's old. And Belzer. Belzer, yeah, the original crowd worker. Man, that moment was Stan Hope. Oh, the best. Pull that up. He goes, what's this merch? What's this merch? And Stan Hope goes, I bought your book. Yes. Yes. Stunk Stan Hope. One of the best episodes. That show was great. It depended on the panel, but when they got the right panel. Oh, with Patrice? That was a great one. Yeah. The Patrice one. Burr had one. He was yelling at Liz Winstead back and forth. Did you still give a shit about all of this? Stan Hope wasn't even supposed to be on there. Look at it. Tell. Yeah, he looks real rough. He had long hair. Yeah. He looks young as shit. Look at Stan Hope's jacket. He looks healthy. He does. God, this was great. This was like no refunds, Stan Hope. Yeah, the prime. I've seen every one of these. They're all online now. Yeah, they're great. Doug was a bucket list. Oh, Glenn Wool. Shout out Glenn Wool. Glenn Wool's a good egg. This was great, too, because Belzer was trying to hold court and be like the wise guy. Yeah. And they all, you know, you can't fuck with a tell. A tell just dominated him with so many zingers. Yeah. A tell just jumps in at all the right times. But yeah, this is great. I love it. Look how bored he is. A tell is just thinking of jokes. You can tell. You can tell he wants to smoke. Yeah, he probably, I think he does. - No, they're smoking, I'm rolling. - Was he still drinking then too? - Yeah. - Okay. - This is right when he got to that. How do we wait? We missed the action figure talk with Stone. Don't worry, we can get back into it. We got Kumail Nanjiani. You got anything in the bag? I bet you carry one around, don't you? You don't carry? You've changed. Get in there. Come on in, dude. Take a seat. Come on in. You brought your weird cookie. Now we got to watch you eat it. Yeah, you got to watch. The fans must watch you feast. How you doing, dude? Hey! What's up, buddy? No, this is great. I heard Dan. I heard you from a mile away. Down on the street? Yeah. Like a foghorn? Oh, man. Let me see that Kumail. I almost bought it just because it was him. Yeah, you should. But this is the worst selling Marvel legend line of all time. Is that right? Every week our female listenership just keeps dropping. I know. That's great. The vaginas are dry. Ladies, if you think your pussies are dry, give us two more minutes. Yeah. Because we're going to talk action figure sales. I was going to make a custom Kumail, put him in his old, you know, his old open mic gear. Yeah, you should. His cabin gear. I could just melt this up here. What do you got? No, you should put him in what he wore at cabin. Exactly. Yeah, right? You should have returning from Montreal Kumail. When we all sat around him and he told us about how he was going to buy a TV with his development deal. That was a real thing. The last development deal ever. Yeah, we sat outside on 2nd Avenue smoking cigarettes. I was smoking cigarettes. And he was, like, telling everyone in the circle, like, yeah, they gave me a check for $100,000 and I'm going to buy a TV. And we're all like, oh, oh, And then by the time we got up there. Yeah. They go like paradigm might sign you. I'm like, is that still an agency? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we can give we might be able to go have these on a breakfast at explanation with real place. Expectation. Explanations even sad. We're not even going to the wrong. We don't have eggs. That's part of the explanation. We're out of eggs. Just toast. Lower your expectations. I remember I was drinking so much during Montreal that I met with a management company in the morning and I was so hung over that I needed to drink and I was like, fuck it. I went to explanation or what? Explanation should be the abortion. That's the name of the it's the name of the breakfast spot in Montreal. The hill, the highest. Now it's called exceptional. They changed it. Yeah. Oh, new manager. Exceptional eggs all the time. But I went in and they were serving booze and I got a beer and a shot at like 11 a.m. And I remember that. I just remember the girl from the management company going, well, this is fun. I'll do a Bloody Mary. And I owe her a month for survival. Yeah, right. Trying to get out of a hole right now. Yeah. You should have an existential crisis. Yeah. There it is. It is. That was bad. I was so hung over during that meeting. Mark and I, we went to Montreal the same year. We were just getting fucking. I remember we were not around a lot of open bars at that time. Yeah. They were like the smart career oriented comics there who were just like, you have one. And Mark and I were just like. I blacked out and I was asking just like people who worked at Showtime. I was like, why don't you guys buy the wine? I don't know. I remember walking up to Josh Rabinowitz. I love Josh. Shout out to Josh. And I go up to Josh and go, hey, Josh, this is you with the industry. And he goes, this is the head of NBC radio. I was like, oh, sorry. Nice to meet you. I'm not good at this. Remember talking to agents just so they would buy you drinks? You're like, oh, yeah. I love Wignite. As you're stabbing your drink. Yeah. Oh, I could probably go out there. Go on. Yeah, exactly. I remember I did JFL Chicago and I was blackout. I was blackout at Up Comedy Club. Remember that used to exist? And I went to go there and T.J. Miller was in the green room. And T.J. Miller goes, you should probably take it easy. Wow. In that moment. T.J. Miller. In that moment. I swear to God, in that moment. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Wow. I might have been. And then we went to the party after and I was like, blackout drunk. This was so embarrassing. You would double fist. Yeah. I'd do a shot and a beer. Jamie Masada from the Laugh Factory was like holding cord or whatever. And he just like was like doing that to me. So I was standing with someone that worked at the Laugh Factory and I was blackout drunk. And I go, don't worry about me. I'm an Esty guy. I only got a kiss up to her for spots. And he like looked at me and then I woke up the next day. I was like, why did I even say that? Oh, yeah. I woke up in a hotel in Chicago like, why? And then I remember, did T.J. Miller tell me to take it easy? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, what? One of the first thoughts I had the next morning in the hangover, I was like, I think T.J. Fuck it. I should probably quit. Those festivals got worse and worse. I remember Montreal. The big deal was like back in the day, Kumail, guys like that signed development deals for six figures, seven figures, whatever. I mean, probably high six at that point. Yeah. But I signed with an agent. And then to let you know how low in the totem pole I was, this guy like came in like the big guy there came into like clothes. And then I was like, oh, what happened to Fred? And they're like. And I was like, oh, he quit. So the guy, I was like, I got an agent to like, he quit like two weeks later and didn't even tell me. He said he couldn't do it anymore and that the business is dying. And you go, he just signed it. Yeah. He was like their big guy. And I was like, oh, I guess I just don't have an agent again. Right. It just took me a while to get to Montreal. And now Montreal is over, but it's back. We're doing Long Island this Saturday, me and you, baby. We're going to Belmore. We're going to the fucking cage. We're not going to make it out of that. No, they're going to be surrounded on all sides. That's when they sit next to you on stage. What's that one called again? Brokerage. Brokerage. But they literally are on stage. They are, yeah. Where a guy can just go, hey. And you're like, stop. Yeah. That's crowd work with real hands-on crowd work. I think it has one of those stripper shelves around you. You know, those little like tables? Yeah, it is. It has one of those. They're like drinks. Yeah, yeah. I do like that room, though. It's a great room. It's a kill box. It is like a fun, tiny little room. Yeah. But there's no green room. So we're going to be sitting in your car. Oh, yeah. Get ready for a car hang. Bring a couple toys. Yeah. Dude, that would be awesome. Yeah. Just bring your figures. We'll just have a whole world. I have one for you. I keep forgetting. Yes. I'm very excited about it. Parents walk by like, there they are. Oh, weird. Do they refund their tickets? Look at these fucking homos playing with toys in the car. And then you go on stage. You go, I'm going to tell you like it is. Seconds earlier, you're like. Yeah. I haven't been there until he tried to fuck me over on money during COVID, I think. Did he give you a nod? He gives you a nod of money. A nod? Yeah. Where you go like this, where he puts in your hand. And I'm always just too giant of a pussy to go. Well, I mean, like, I need to have paperwork for this. When you're that big of a dork. When he goes, hey, good job tonight. And you go, I just need to check with the government. This is okay. This is young James, though. Young James is like the sweetest. I think the brokerage is young James. Oh, that's his son. His son. He's like one of the best people ever. I love him. He's a huge comedy fan. Yeah, yeah. How did they fuck you over, Sam? It was just COVID shit. It was just him being like, oh, no, people. They canceled. And I'm like, well, it's sold out. You resell the tickets. Yeah. But he was like honoring day of cancels. I'm like, I can't. Wait, so he was not paying you because people canceled? He claims. I don't fucking know. Yeah, that's. But it was shady. And I was like, but it's sold out. Man, COVID was a real time to watch club owners learn how to scramble to fuck you. Oh, totally. I can't. But I was like, I'm good for here forever. Oh, you know, it's a tell. You ever done Meguiar's? Yes. It's even further out. Yeah, yeah. It's a warehouse. That's how I knew that Gary Veeder had the gift. Yeah. Because I had worked Meguiar's before and it was horrible. Yeah. It's like they're talking during your set. Yeah. And then Veeder featured for me one weekend and they listened. He like got them to be a great audience. He's a Rockland County boy. Because they also, you have to listen and he's got great jokes. Great jokes. So they would listen. They would shut up and listen. Then he'd make them laugh. And then by the time I went up there, I was like, oh, they're like a real crowd. Oh, yeah. Wow. All right. Only him and Tim Dillon were the only two people I saw handle that room well. Interesting. Just go up there and be like, shut up. Yeah. Well, they're both Long Island. They're speaking to their fucking animals. Yeah, they can do their dialogue. Yeah, exactly. So like, I get it. Nate had that. Remember you do the world and it'd be like a chatty tourist. Right. I was just telling people about this. A bunch of nut jobs. And then Nate would go, so I was out in the park, man. And they would go, what's up with this guy? But you're forgetting he used to bomb a lot. Sure. And he like gave himself to the darkness. Like I was at the show where he would just fell back. That's awesome. And he goes, I'm just going to keep talking. Yeah. And then like after that, every time he was like better and better at winning them over. Yes. Because that room sucked. You ever see that movie Bone Collector with Denzel? Yeah. That scene with the bad guy. Denzel's just like on the ground paralyzed. And he's just like talking to himself. And he's like, wait, what? And he leans in and he just bites him in the neck. Yeah. That's that shit right there. You're doing that with jokes. Right. Yeah, yeah. I saw Dave, Dave Attell open at Stand Up New York. It was Dave Attell got the opening. What was like, I don't know, maybe it was a guy before him. I don't remember. But he was first, very early in the show, gets him wild, fucking screaming, screaming. Then I saw Ted go on right after him. We were just talking about Ted. And he brought him down. Like they were fucking animals. And he was like, ah. And then I watched him kill on his, and I went, that's a comedy. Ted's like a Jedi because he would go up and go, Zachary, Heineken. I like it. I like it. And then they were listening. He was just like a teacher. He had you in the palm. You know that port that you can look through at East 4th? Yes. Yeah. I remember when it was East 4th, watching Ted just like calmly, that with like a rowdy crowd. You're like, he could take a nap up there. Yeah. And he'd be like. He would slink across the stage, too. He just put out a Best Of album. He did all this old stuff. I love that. It's awesome. Check out Ted. He's a killer. He's the only guy, only guy, one of the few guys with two presents. Yeah. He did two. No. I think he was banging one of the, yeah. Todd and I think DePaulo maybe. DePaulo's got two. Yeah. DePaulo had two. wow Geraldo yeah Geraldo had two Comedy Central hours I don't think he definitely did two halves yeah oh he did okay damn dude Comedy Central presents here's my thing with nostalgia and stuff where's that Comedy Central be smart right go like hey it's on Paramount Plus probably yeah but like probably but like push that but be like hey we're gonna bring it back like try to compete be like hey we're gonna bring back a fucking Comedy Central presents and then everyone would get wild about it right we're on YouTube no one gives a shit but us I know no one cares I know but there's Dane Cook there's all these like old you know killers like who are famous now oh the Nick Swartzen one Swartzen was great Swartzen was so good that was a great one I just get mad I kind of can't find them ever no to just watch them like just give me access to them Regan's I think Sam's right I think they're all on Paramount Plus check it out there Peters oh look at that where are you oh Paramount Plus look at Mark Maron wow holy shit who is this they got Louis Black Young Hedberg look it's Fitzsimmons wow look at Kevin Brennan I think he did the first one oh no season one Wanda Sykes I remember very well it's a great one they all stayed around you look at like some of these half hours now a lot of these comics came and went these presents they're like most of these guys are all still here that's how good you had to be to get one good point man did you ever go to those tapings no they were really fun I watched Kurt Metzger and Tom Rhodes tape one and then I watched who else when they used to do the elaborate sets not these not the half hours when they had the elaborate sets we never got those I remember that our class didn't get that we didn't get to pick what your theme was got too pricey yeah I remember Burr had his was like sports it was like a pinball like they all had Patrice's was like a subway station yeah Dom Herrera had a deli yeah I remember he went like one man show with it yeah yeah I'm Italian but they did that you could like go full one man show with all the backdrop that's true and then they were and then by the time we all did it they're like you get your name yeah dude and we were still like cool oh yeah that's awesome but yeah you're right they took like and you know what they did it's the cheapening of the digital screen cause instead of like building stuff they just go put it on the screen yes yes it wasn't even it was just projected yeah look at that we're all on Paramount Pro where's our check oh I mean I guarantee if you looked at that contract they were like we own this now yeah here's your money oh god I didn't know I Hate Myself was a Comedy Central it was Comedy Central YouTube got it yeah that was the end of the kind of the last hey Norman hurrah I got this photo that's a great photo hey look you guys are next to each other yeah that's fun really oh look at that Sam you're sandwiching Norman hey finally that's a Salacuse photo I got this yeah oh that's great you know what they should have done I got this and positive influence should have been switched and you would both look like you were looking at Mark eating soup laughing they really fucked up whoever does their layout fucked up that's at a diner in LA at four in the morning really yeah I was shit faced good pick not bad Marcus Price took that hey oh yeah that's great look at how young you are dude that's only five years ago I know laughing you've aged we all have we all have yeah there's a drop off there is an age where you go like where it happens rapidly yeah where like I'll look at pictures of me you posted that one from We Might Be Drunk of us at Cabin and someone was like oh my god yeah Soder looks way better you go it's 15 years ago yeah right of course I look better we all look so pale in that pale and then fucking drunk you can tell how drunk we all are and Mark I feel bad I hate saying it but now that you're the kid in two years you're gonna look like this that's the wear that's the wear and tear I wasn't white it ages you fast yeah it really does there's an old cabin picture it's crazy there it is oh man hey folks we might be drunk people joke about being so OCD all the time but if you actually have it it's no laughing matter luckily there's NoCD NoCD is the world's leading OCD treatment provider that'll match you up with a licensed therapist who can help OCD is a serious and highly misunderstood condition but with the right kind of help from a specialized therapist who truly understands what you're experiencing and is trained to treat it OCD is extremely manageable at NoCD everything you need a therapist deeply understands OCD they'll work with you in live video sessions to reduce those intrusive thoughts and compulsions this stuff works I've got a couple weird tics and this helps get on it the therapists are great they're nice with powerful in-app tools therapist messaging peer communities and live support groups NoCD makes 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lasting staples from quints go to quints.com slash drunk for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns yeah this is like really good quality clothing and it looks really good and it's just comfy as hell and it's not it's not gonna break the bank it's great go to quints.com slash drunk for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns that's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash drunk free shipping and 365 day returns quints.com slash drunk there it is look at Vitor oh wow back when Joe used to drink Vitor looks worse Nate's going nuts I wonder if Nate is bothered by this my big head is blocking Sam yeah look at that noggin you're blocking that oversized shitty jacket I used to wear oh my god you got the leather look at my Nick DePaulo starter kit yeah the leather coat the attitude jacket do you think if Nate was pissed I wonder if this bothered him like hey come on guys I'm like a squeaky clean family man it's not Christ like and you're like it's fine look at Conan on in the back remember when you'd watch people do Conan yes that might have been this night and we might have been watching Che or something yeah that was so fun god that bar was great and that woman was so mean so mean remember her she kicked Che out that's right Che couldn't do the show after a while because he got drunk and she was a fucking asshole she was a coos she kicked the door on me for having sex in the bathroom I wasn't having sex in the bathroom I was like just pissing and I was like what the fuck lady and she was like no sex she was like I don't remember exactly how it was I was by myself and she was like no sex in the bathroom I swear something I don't remember this she opened the door and I was like what are you doing and I was like that's not happening and someone told me I think they were like yeah she said that people were fucking in the bathroom and that's why she kicked him it was weird you were holding that action figure also wait you should have gone into it and laughed and gone sorry I was fucking and I was like Greg Stone I'm fucking public Greg Stone I fuck a lot Louie looks like our creepy manager of the boy band he's like look at my boys my boys are gonna do so hot my hot boys damn Liss was very drunk oh it's Louie Katz I couldn't tell who that was yeah Louie Katz and then Liss leaning back I think I'm holding him yeah Louie looks like he's wearing the groucho face like the glasses damn dude those I used to wear the weight tables the next morning the Mexican joint yeah and I would have to be at the cafe at 10am and I remember so many of those nights being outside with you guys till like four and then being like alright all I need is four hours of sleep yes like four hours is healthy when you're young you could do four hours and I would but it would be so painful I'm fucking hungover right now are you really yeah I'm feeling it did you go out last night yeah big big enough date or it was a Monday come on was it a date or were you just I was with a buddy oh boy we just pulled up at a bar and yeah and then it's hurting you've got that I don't feel great I was there the other day it's the worst we're getting old do you have a way cause here's the thing I've been out of the game for 12 years I've been away from it yeah what do you do to do you do the do you do like um Pedialyte before you go to bed no I do I have like some powders yeah I'll do it I can you have elixirs none of that shit works it doesn't work I try all that shit it doesn't work I've tried hangover be gone or whatever the fuck it's called it never does it what about the charcoal pills that the KGB all of it I've taken 20 of those those things I used it once but I think it was placebo ah it's all placebo cause I used it and I woke up but I was like 19 I was like I'm fine the only move is just pig out on like pizza, burger or like late night yeah but then you feel shit it's just choose your shit I'd rather that shit cause it's at least not a headache you're not painful you're just like ugh yeah you know you just can't sleep sleep is the issue and it fucks up your cycle and I was trying my friend's staying with me for a couple weeks I was trying to get him laid we went out he met a girl he did alright but uh oh nice but I was like bring her back and fuck her on my couch I don't give a shit I wanna watch I was trying to help yeah I got a camera set up I got a rig I got a rig right I got a rat here honestly if you're cool then we can make some money honestly we can get enough money for you to stay at a hotel so you're not at my house do you know what Instagram live is we're gonna go live what's your follower count so what happened did he get her did he bring her back No, I think they were fooling around a little bit and then he's He's like, I'm going to do it tonight. And I was like, all right. Is that weird? Because what are you going to do? Are you going to take a walk? No, I got a door that shuts. I got a room in the back you can use. It's not like in your living room. No, we're good. We're good. You're like, I was trying to watch the second episode of Alien Earth. I guess you two slapping skin will be. I don't give a shit. He's my buddy. That's great. Speaking of those early mornings, talking about the restaurant, I used to temp. That's where you got the I don't see color. I don't see color bit. Oh, yeah, that's true. I'm black. How did you know that? I remember all you guys' bits. Yeah, that was a big bit for me. That's, I think, my form of autism. I remember your bits. Yeah, but I think that's what I love. You would think this bad neighborhood. I remember all of them. That thing got me out of waiting tables. That was my free bird. That bit fucking murdered. Yeah, that was the first joke that I wrote that really worked. We were like, oh. And then I did it too many places. I did it on Cone. By the way, someone played it. Flip of it. The voice I do for the black guy, not cool now. Pull it up. I'm like, hey, man. I do some shit like that where I'm like. That's a different time. Do you say black guy in it? I go thug, which Republicans made real tough. Yeah, but there's a way. But you're saying black. It could be a white thug who talks like that. There are white guys who draw a thug like that. That's true. It is New York. It is New York. Yeah. But yeah, we don't have to watch it. No, no. It sucks. Just trust me, it sucks. But it could be. You crushed it. But that was all funny because that was at a time where we were all finding out our one bit. Yes. Like our first hit single. Yeah, mine was Janitor. Yeah. You're like, ah, Janitor. It's crazy on the sign. It's so funny. Dude, I remember you were the one that, when you went through it with the rape joke. Oh, yeah. But really, what's funny about that is you were like pre-cancel culture in trouble. Right. And I remember how preposterous it was to me. Me too. Because I read it and I go, well, it's missing half the joke. Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. That's how they do it. That's a problem when they're trying to get you in trouble with the joke and they only put the setup. Well, that's what's funny about all these videos, like comedy hate videos now. Yeah. Because you can just take a little clip of me on stage going like, yeah! And they're like, is he losing his mind? Right. Dan Soder's lost it. And they show the thumbnail. You go, I'm doing the eat ass act now. Right, right. They do it all day long. It's great. Whatever. It's fun. But. But just, I just want one of those guys to admit, like, okay, thank God you did something weird because now I get paid. You know, they never thank us. Thank you very much for that weird clip. It's just like, I hate you. I hate you. You're the worst. You suck. You're a hack. And they're like, yeah, but you're using me. Well, I got bits out of it too. I got stuff out of it. I mean. I mean, you have a great bit about, on the last special about. Yeah. About this whole. Which is fun because it's almost like a continuum. Yeah. Yeah. You almost go, you know, if you're a, if you're a real guy, you remember when the first one came out. I don't know if non-comics remember that shit. Yeah, but that's why. That's us sucking each other off. Sure. That's our lemon party. Yeah. It's just being like, I remember you guys fucking blowing each other. Lemon party was the original black guy huge dick. Yes. Where he goes, hey, check out this link. Yes, exactly. And you go, ah, three old men blowing each other. I think the lemon party was a little more fun. It was the most fun. It was fun. It was upbeat. Because you go, ew, but also funny. Good for these guys. It's not aggressive. It's not aggressive because they're all old men. It's hopeful. It is. It's hopeful. One day I can be, wow, you suck on another guy's dick in a nursing home? I can't wait. Yeah, that's living. See, you can be old enough where you can blow your buddy and then he can blow your other buddy. Hey, we need to racial. Listen, that's teamwork. You know what, guys? In 30 years, let's meet right here. Read through the lemon party. That's all, dude. That's so fucking funny. So what are you, you up for softball later? And you go, yeah, I can do that. Let me see that photo one last time. Just for old time's sake. Type in lemonparty.com. See if it comes up still. Oh, it does. Absolutely. He checks once a week. It's your home screen. You got to be over 18. Okay, we are. By the way, the going on the road with no porn thing. Oh, it's just. Wait, what do you mean no porn on the road? Like you ever go. Right, yeah. We go to states where they're like. Oh, Texas. Texas, Virginia. I was just in Virginia. That's why I always download some for the trip. It's like a movie on an iPad. Yeah. For the airplane ride. Yeah, you try to use that imagination. See if you still got it. It's tough. Old school. Old school jerk. Yeah. You feel like Doctor Strange. Yeah. You feel Amish. You're like, how did I do this? I tried to draw a picture. I'm like, I don't want to do anything. I didn't think I was going to do an unplugged this weekend. Yeah, right. No, you can't find it, huh? I guess it got scrubbed. It's weird. That's someone's grandpa. I think when they died, they were like, it's time to let it go. I guess so. Hey. There she is. They cleaned it up. No, that's no good. Also, it was like, that was the first time I ever realized that old people can also be gay. Oh, yeah. I was like, I didn't know that. That's a good point. I didn't know that, but they just. And then you met Rick Crumb. Yeah. And you're like, okay. All right. Lemon party, dude. It's so funny that it's like, those guys, those old men were like, well, no one will ever find out. No. Reginald's going to take a picture, and it's just for us. Yeah. And he goes, you fool. They know us as the Lemon Party, man. He's got their pictures. He's bombing. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I repeat. I repeat. You're under attack from Imperial forces. He goes, I'm not going. I got to kill. Them talking about World War II, then blowing each other. Yeah. Mamoon, we got home. Oh, man. I guess it's gone. I don't know if this is good or bad. This is sad. I'm like, bummed out. I thought it was.org. Remember Rotten.com? Did you guys ever go to Rotten.com? Yeah, I never. It was disturbing. It was disturbing. It was very disturbing. Too much. It was the original, or no, it was like Faces of Death. Faces of Death. Do you know what the fucked up one was? Was banned from TV. Oh. Faces of Death was fake. No. I found that out from you, I think, like a week ago. Yeah. I didn't know that. Banned from TV was shit that was so fucked up. Videos of people just dying. It's like they would show people getting, like you would watch it at your friend's basement when you were 12. Remember the guy with the gun? No, no. Oh, that's real. That one's real. That was Faces of Death. He goes, if you guys have a problem with any guns, that's. What's his name? He was like a senator or something. Yeah, he was in Oregon. Why can't I think of his name? By the way, I see half of that shit on X every day now. I mean, yeah, that's all. The internet's just rotten.com. Yeah, right. It used to be like kind of a novelty. Now it's just my feed. Oh, man. Who? I'm going to look this up because this is bugging me. He was an old, bald guy who was in a suit. Yeah, and Filter wrote this song, Hey Man, Nice Shot, about him. Oh. Bud Dwyer. Bud Dwyer. Bud Dwyer was the, yeah. Yeah, he was the one that takes out the gun. He goes, if anyone has a problem with a gun. You should get out of here. Yes. And he fucking shoots himself. And it's real? The 90s Nails song. He got caught right there all the way to the left. That's the clip. But. Right in the mouth. Bad from TV. Or no, the Filter song, Hey Man, Nice Shot. No, but the 90s Nails song uses the gunshot as the beat. Whoa. It's like. Yeah, it's on a downward spiral. Oh, Lemon Party. Greg, get over here. We've got to lock up. He might have been in the Lemon Party. Look at that guy. That's why he shot himself. He sure came out. You guys found out what I do with my friends? How'd you find me and Mr. Hashimoto? That's how I feel every time I say the wrong name. Oh, you fuck. Yeah. But Bad from TV was like shit from like. The one I remember is there was a hostage situation. Yeah. And the guy tried to pretend that he was one of the hostages. But it was in Brazil. And they knew it was him. And they all come out. And the Brazilian SWAT team just shoots some point blank range with a shotgun to the chest. Holy shit. All these people are running out. They just go. Boosh. Wow. Do you remember the lady running in front of the train? Yes. That I remember. That was on Bad from TV. Oh, I hated that. That was real. That was dark. They were filming like the last run of a train. And then the guy checks. And he doesn't go. And the lady goes. And it's like. Oh. And then all the shit flies at the camera. I missed all this shit. You're lucky. Yeah. Good childhood. Because it was always a friend's older brother. And they were like, do you guys want to watch Bad from TV? And I'd be like this. In my head, absolutely not. Yeah. It was always, we're watching porn. We're having a good time. Porn. We're jerking off together. And some guy goes, faces of death. And I go, I guess I'm going to close my eyes in the back of the room for this one. Well, it looks like I won't be sleeping. Yeah. Sam saw none of it. But you did dissect a cat. That's crazy. Oh, you're even. A feral cat. Crazy. Oh, I didn't want to. Did you try to opt out? No. You could opt out. There was always one girl who cried. I remember. She was like, I can't do it. Yeah. We're like a frog. It's a living thing. Yeah. She's a vegan now. Yeah. Or she's not. Now she runs like a barbecue joint. She's like, I was wrong. Fuck all these animals. Kill them. No. There's no friends in this game. You ever see a guy die in real life? No. Once. I didn't see him die, but I saw a dead body. Where? Oh, yeah. In a warehouse in New Orleans. I'm like, me and my buddies were just walking around, you know, with a hoop, with a stick, you know, in the 40s. It was stand by me, huh? It was stand by me. And all I saw was the feet and some blood and like trash around him. How did he die? I don't know. It was just a dead body. They picked him up and we kind of burned each other. They go, guys, maybe he can buy us beer. He put his arm over. Yeah. Well, you worked at a hospital. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Dude, I was pushing a guy. So I'm with a guy, 150 years old. His daughter, who's like 98 years old or whatever, they're getting in the elevator. She doesn't fit in the elevator. And I go, I'll see you guys upstairs. And she's like, okay. I'm looking at him. We're on the elevator. He just goes. And then nothing. And I'm like, that's odd. Right? Wait. So when you're on the elevator and he makes that noise, are you go like, that's not a normal breath? I went odd. I was like, I wasn't really. And then I push him off and the daughter's there. And she was like, my father's not breathing. And she starts screaming. Oh, my God. Oh, what? And then he said, give me all your money. But he was full DNR. So it was like, do not resuscitate. like they like this is a thing we're like we're just waiting for this to happen but then she starts screaming the nurses come and they're like they're not really recessive thing but they're like whatever and i'm still pushing him and i grabbed his tv remote and i like put it next to him and the nurse was like yeah greg he's not gonna that's so funny he's not gonna be why do you move the tv remote because when you put them back in the room in the room they'd have these tv remotes and you wanted to put it next to the old people so they could reach it yeah and so they're literally like screaming and i'm just like still doing that was that was your coins on his eyes give him an honorable yeah yeah i watched his soul come out of his mouth on the elevator with me and it's like my first day on the job how many people total do you think you've seen die no a lot i mean i've seen dead bodies i've seen them a lot yeah but like watching them die i held a bunch of people's hands as they died oh that would happen a lot yeah that wasn't in the hospital he was a fucking serial killer yeah he just breaks it and he goes i feel like it's time i saw a person die once in the city i uh you an old lady i was walking to the bus stop as a kid and an old lady jumped out of a building and splat oh what yeah that's like yeah how old were you sixth grade 11 12 yeah yeah did it get it on you no it's not messy i mean it's not i mean this is graphic what is it is it just like a clunk um or a splat yeah it's a hard sound obviously like dropping like grocery bag you know when you drop a grocery bag and it goes like boom you just think your mind protects you so you think it's you're like oh this isn't real yeah you're like this i'm on some movie set yeah yeah yeah but uh not a lot of blood wasn't instantly dead no splat she wasn't dead no she was like mumbling oh that's the worst yeah it was rough fuck and did you go and you just went to school no i was leaving school oh come on kill yourself at the beginning of the day it's also crazy to do it like to jump onto a crowded street she could have killed you yeah and then where did she land sidewalk or street sidewalk i mean either way is bad right you could sure but i mean street i mean i don't mean this in like a cruel way but like streets less invasive it's like a car stop yeah you know like sidewalk can literally hit you and get on you ah yeah it was uh it was weird i remember uh you remember like she said something like i'm like mumbled cold and someone went this way i've got a blanket for fucking horrible anyone else hard yeah yeah jesus this is great was there a pink mist i mean you just go home and your mom's like how was your day my parents weren't home and i remember i called a friend to like tell him what happened and his mom was one of those like chatty moms and she was like and she told like a 10 minute story she's like by the way oh he he's not here right now and uh and i was like oh all right so i just listened to her tell like a 10 minute story while you're one of those like she was one of those like lonely moms she's like i'm at dagastino's and they don't have the chicken and i'm wondering that's really what happened young sam is like yeah wow you're a good man it was fucking weird she was old you say she's old interesting did you find out any info in the paper after like were you curious yeah i didn't really i mean that's how fucked up new york is i don't i don't remember seeing on the news or anything i remember being like like looking for something on the local news and it's like how old i was like 12 probably but you want watch the local news there's so much fucked up shit that happens all the day also it's new york and this was in the late mid 90s late 90s so you're that's not as clean it's not it's like getting disney but new york's still a tough city damn yeah that was a fucking way that's when we were like you look up more yeah you know you're like so uh when we were doing the bonfire um around christmas rockefeller center gets like crazy yeah it just gets like to try to get there to like do a show and i would always ride the end train because i was in queens and i got off the end train and the whole street to sirius was shut down and i was like what the fuck happened like 15 minutes before a woman was walking like same sidewalk on 49th to go to sirius and a corner of the building came off and fucking crushed her head like down on the sidewalk she like stopped to buy an umbrella and a piece came down and fucking killed someone i know that happened to their who the fuck is that is it is it comic that happened to their like relative and they got them i wonder if it's the same fucking person and they got like rich or something i don't i don't know this happened in like 2017 or 18 right there and it was like oh shit like we like saw it up but because of the internet now we like looked it up and they were like she worked in our building and she was like literally going to buy an umbrella or something and it like fucking that's that building i think they might have been sued because that building was in trouble because they were like you should have been updating it and then after that they call it section 11 drilling when when there's a loose brick or something yeah yeah and it's annoying as fuck when they're doing it in your building but like you got to do it these are old buildings you got to make sure the bricks don't the irony of buying an umbrella i know too that's crazy it's like a wily coyote yeah she like put the help sign yeah like the shadow was growing dude if you die in a wily coyote a piano but that's got a wonder you wonder how long until her family said that like one cousin had that joke and he's waiting and he goes was it was it an anvil yeah you say acne on it yeah you hold up a sign this stinks you go how traumatic that is for that person watch out and they go the guy next to go a little bit yeah me yeah my wife and i remember we come back from the creek where we get off the seven and you had to go to the seven you had to go to what was it queensborough plaza queensborough plaza right me and my wife which my girl for the time i looked down i'm like is that blood and there was blood we followed blood from the seven down the street all the way up the steps to where the the train is and then there's just a guy laying there and i'm like what the and as we're like like i couldn't even do anything these emts run grab him put him on the stretcher find out like the next day he was the craigslist killer the guy who and the reason he was bleeding is because when he stabbed someone it didn't have like a sheath or whatever cut his it's like a common injury i guess for people who stab people it like sliced up his hand he lost blood passed out and they found him at the fucking n train or queensborough plaza the killer the killer the killer the killer square the killer he was the killer whoa that's the guy i don't remember his face he's laying down i don't know if you can see why was he laying down did someone kill him so he he lost a lot i think he lost blood and passed out or something um and these emts came up and holy yeah we followed literally a trail of blood it's like that um remember that patrice joke about uh someone uh jumping in front of a train and yes when you live in new york long enough you go like all right man kick the head off the track yeah i gotta go somewhere i got dinner to get to i gotta get somewhere damn now i heard this you might have to give this a goog there pd but i heard that the reason they're scaffolding is because a piece of a building fell off and hit a lady and so now there's a law that you have to upkeep your building every five years and that's why they're scaffolding all over the city yeah that would make that true i mean it is this we are in a city of giant buildings and like sam was saying one fucking loose brick yeah my dad had like a protege work he worked with and she died that way really there you go brick fell on her head wow people die that way it's crazy it's like home alone too yeah you got wet banded yes there it is scaffolding officially called sidewalk sheds you're fucking that one day you're walking next day you're yeah that's wild now i bet the uh acs kill some people too oh yeah by the way i was always very nervous oh me too i put a few of those in myself i'm like this could be a problem there was a girl i hooked up with one time and she was like hey you're could you help it was like just the beginning of summer she's like could you put my ac in and i was like i'm hammered she was like oh yeah and i was like you're also on the third floor yeah she was like yeah i was like okay but check it tomorrow yeah oh i was putting in like fucking cardboard around i'm like this thing ain't going no there's duct tape it doesn't look good my fucking my sheet was a fucking shower curtain my uh my windows the pressure of the window and you're like this is gonna hold i know legally in new york you're not supposed to the landlord is supposed to do it for you they never do they never do but like if that's on them sue those motherfuckers there was a guy i i had a fucking uh super in my old building fucking hated me just like one of those who just decided he hated me oh that's fun and he hated everyone in the building but he'd be nice to the women i noticed but every dude he's a perv but he but he would come in like the toilet would be fucking clever dude i think the toilet's fucked up and he'd be like he'd be like so fucking mad and they'd be like i'd like try to tip him at the end he'd be like no and i'm like she gets to stay mad at me so don't be yeah well you also go don't be a dick because i'm trying to i'm trying to pave that street and i'm also like the fucking pipes are fucked up what do you want we had vecchione and i's landlord you know we lived there for like i lived there for like 14 years over the vecchione for 10 years he would never fix anything yeah he'd never fix anything there was a problem in our kitchen where one of our boards was warped just wouldn't fix it we had mold in our shower we just had to put a garbage bag over it and then we had these two really hot girls that lived on the third floor it was a three floor building and like what our roommate was banging one of them our other roommate and we like just talking to the girls or whatever we're like yeah fucking anthony right she was like he's great i was like what do you mean she goes oh my refrigerator broke and he had a new one within like an hour and i was like wow what and i found out that he would do he would like rush to the building yeah so i told her i was like next time you're getting something done text me and then i just waited yeah and he came down the stairs and i was like anthony there we go got some mold in the shower he was like son of a bitch i caught him and he's like all right dan let me take a look yeah come on in buddy whenever women are like he's such a sweetheart i'm like to you yeah exactly this is an individual relationship i'm a swarthy uh down-looking dude monica lindsey's like bill's nice what are you guys talking about oh my god the president's so cool he's so sweet you get to hang out with them. They gave me a cigar. I will say though that is one of the coolest moves of all time is getting a blowjob while you're on the phone with the Senate. Oh. Bill Clinton just gets sucked and he's like oh no. First I was like he said it like we've all done it and I was like oh no I haven't done that. I've never done that. But I fantasized about that a cool phone call being like oh release the funding. And it would be funny if the argument went well and she like felt him get soft so she like knew you know what I mean. Right. He started getting soft when they were talking about Arafat. A cigar in the clam is a wild move. And how do you light it up? It's a power move. Yeah. Totally. Not in a healthy way. I'll tell you right now cigars are flaky. Yeah. A lot of stuff to flake off in the puss. I agree. Gotta get that tobacco out of there. I bet the smell like old boots. It also feels like wasteful of a cigar. You know Castro wouldn't do that. That's true. Castro that's why he hated us. He respected a good cigar. You know we were making headway with Cuba and then they found out he put it where? You know they gave Castro this is how funny the CIA used to be they gave Castro an exploding cigar to try to kill him. Oh yeah. That's a real thing. It didn't work. Was it exploding or it might have been poison? Oh I don't know. I should say bang. Yeah right. Poison is better. It makes more sense but the exploding has got a nice charm to it. Yeah that's so fun. Well you know he wants a cigar. Yeah. Yeah I guess it's not that crazy but that's fun. Yeah. Think about how many he's sabotaging his cigars but they're not exploding. Oh. Maybe I assumed exploding. Him with like the black face and then the thing like shredded. Right. The breaking bed ending. Yeah. Gustavo. Yeah. He changes his tie and then Castro just died of natural causes. Nah. But he's like a cat that couldn't kill him. You're a dictator and you make it to 89. You did pretty well. You did damn good. I feel like they should just let you roll. They're all like hey. Yeah ride it out dog. This guy what are we going to change him? Old dogs new tricks. The milkshake. Damn they did like. Wow. Yo they stayed trying to kill him. Oh yeah. What a fun job. Hey our job is to kill this guy. This sounds like a set list too. Right. I got soft I got shoes and a softball. I want to be in that writer's room. Yeah. Right. Pitching ideas on how am I going to get Castro. What do people like? Milkshakes. Yes. Okay. Okay put it on the board. Can we do spring shoes? Shoot them out of the room. Sam you see a cigar with a circle around it. Put it in other thought bubbles. Yeah. How do we get it there? Is it exploding? Maybe AC could fall on him. Yeah. We'll have a drunk guy hook up with a girl. Yeah. Look at this window. Fat of molten metal. I mean this is Wile E. Coyote shit. Yeah. End of October in 71. Wow. The new guy just goes I hate to say this but anyone say a gun yet? Yeah. I am right? Long range rifle? Guys I know I know I'm not in favor right here. Sniper right? I don't know. He also survived some crazy battles just overtaking Cuba man. Like what he did to Batista. Yeah. Exactly. It was like some crazy number. It was like I think 87 and they landed on 12 and they're like well this is fucking biblical. That's crazy. You know? It was like him, Che and 10 others. I think one of one or two of his brothers. That's it. Yeah. Because he had a brother. There it is. Exploding Cigar. That's great. You were right. You were right. Wow. Fun. I love it. I love that he said the most extreme and cartoonish. Yeah. Oh they poisoned his diving suit. Here's my question. Do you think Exploding Cigar was first used to kill Castro or first used in a cartoon? Ooh. I would assume cartoon but. But the cartoon writers could hear it go well yeah. They're talking to Hanna-Barbera for ideas. They go what do you got? He goes dinosaur ribs. It takes the car all the way on its side. He goes alright. Yeah we can do that. We got blue sky with this. Oh yeah. Have you tried chasing him off a cliff? He'll stay in the air for a while but eventually he'll drop. He'll look down Yeah yeah. Oh yeah. Wow. I'm trying to think of more cartoon kills. Have they ever killed anybody with an Exploding Cigar? No. Like it's never worked? I guess not. Cause if it doesn't work on Castro it's like maybe get some little mob guys with it you know? Also maybe try the bit out. Yeah right. Take out some like foot soldiers with an Exploding Cigar. Right. Damn. Oh now it's like it all goes back to Kaczynski trying to flirt. Nah. I think they had in the writer's room where they're like oh we'll just shoot him. Fucking hack over here. Have you tried the cigar? It's called TNT. And he goes I've never tried one of these. Yeah it's so funny. And Mad TV I mean Mad Magazine on the cover. Oh there it is. See that's exactly what he said. The black smoke with the pop cigar. That's a good time. Yeah he was zooming on that cover. That's crazy. Mad was the shit. Yeah dude I used to love it. Me too. The parody of shit. The folding? The folding was great. When I finally learned how to do it it was more satisfying than learning how to tie my shoes. I used to go to like the little bodega in my neighborhood and I would try to fold it and the guy would go oh you gotta buy it. You can't fold it you gotta buy it. Oh no no. Yeah he didn't let me. Because if you found a Mad already folded you're like fuck this. Yeah it was like a Highlights with everything circled. Oh like a used condom. That really is dude that's so funny. A circled Highlights really was like finding a used condom. Yeah that was fucked up. You're like gross. Who would do this? Oh yeah. Do you remember finding your first used condom? Sure. Yeah. I remember finding one down by like a creek that we used to smoke cigarettes at. Yeah. And the reason I knew it was used I poked it with a stick but it was like even through the stick you saw the way that the rubber moved where you're like oh there's stuff in there. Oh yeah. I still have the one. Yeah. He pulled it out. I found this one. Russ Meneve used to have that great joke about the used condom in the streets like who is this guy responsible enough to use a condom? Right. Do it in the street. Oh yeah. He goes homeless people he goes we're gonna do it doggy style. Stray doggy style. Stray doggy style. Oh. Yeah. It was funny. Could rock a V-neck like a son of a bitch. Oh he's a handsome mofo. Whenever a man can rock a V-neck I'm always like good for you. A little hairy. This is even too close for me. You could though because you got good hair. You got good chest hair. No when you dressed up like Bret Hart you had like good chest hair. Oh yeah. That's true. You know what I mean? You got that fucking I got like white trash wispy. You're wispy under it? It's not good. Wow look at Baldwin with a fucking bear rug. Look at him. Holy. So you get eight kids with a yoga instructor. That's cheap. That's too deep. That's crazy. That's cleavage. That's a you. Yeah. Who is that? Jude Law. Oh shit. Do you remember when they made fun of when Chris Rock made fun of him and then Sean Penn? Yeah. He's one of our finest American actors. He's a comedian you. Get Jude Law. Yeah. Can't get him? Get Jude Law. I think Jude Law is one of America's finest. And then they're all like. Go back to Katrina with your shotgun. Shut up. Go interview a cartel leader. Yeah exactly. Man Baldwin was a was a hunk. He was. Oh dude. I could I could use some chest hair. I got nothing. I got the nipples. I thought you I thought you shaved it for a while. No no. I'm like an Asian boy. When did you when did you get chest hair? Were you like a teenager or in your 30s? No you get that. You start with the happy trail. Yeah I got that. That's first. And then I remember dating a girl in college who was like you should shave it's like really gross you should shave your chest and she talked me into it and I did it and I was like I have no respect for myself. You know I've never seen a dog when they get a haircut too short. That's the energy you want. Also against their will. Same at the cone. One time I was high in my apartment and I was like maybe I was living here so I was like maybe like 24 or 25 and I was like just shave my chest off and I did. I just shaved this part off and I was like you look ridiculous. And it's all itchy for the longest where you're just like walking around. That's your punishment for doing it. Yeah. I hated myself. I was like ugh. But that's why I said you know as a fan of pro wrestling sometimes like there's a picture of Hulk Hogan in the 70s with chest hair and you're like oh he should have rocked that but then in the 80s everyone was just yeah there you go. Oh weird. It's such a weird penis. I know right. You can tell that he's so hairy he like puts it into something. Yeah it's like the back of a crab you know that part you pull up. Are they going with a razor or are they 40 year old virgin getting it waxed? Good question. Probably I think like a mixed bag. I wouldn't be surprised I think a lot of these guys bodybuilders do it with razors. Yeah. Because they have to be it has to be right then and there. You know the Steve Carell Oh yeah. That was real. He was like just do it. That's why there's blood on it. That's pretty funny. The nipple one. His nipples are so small too. Are they? Pull it up. When he does it you go look how tiny his nipples are. Alright I have to be on a train in Penn Station at 516. What are my odds? What are you where are you going? What are you why would you do this? Yeah. Why do you always do this? Well I figured I could make it. In Look at his nipples. In 19 minutes. So you want to just stop the episode now you're saying? No we can keep going but I can get a city bike just throwing it out there. Wait where are you you're going to Penn Station? Is this maybe a thing that you might want to tell me before we record? I feel bad. You're right. You're right. Really this is my life story with this one. I do kind of like him improv-ing a leaving. Going guys here's the deal. I thought we'd be done. Mark and I had a dinner he's like I do have to get out of here in three seconds. Estes we're going to walk in and go to Gregstone.com Yeah. I am on the the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour September 25th in L.A. is when it kicks off but it goes through the end of the year. We're going to be announcing the back half for 2026 soon. Please come and see the show. It's very fun. Hell yeah. Anything else you want to plug and get a good go to the website and then go subscribe to my YouTube and go to DanSota.com When is this out man? Great podcast. Barcelona. That's going to be sick. Milan, Dublin, Liverpool, London. Are you guys doing all these together? Paris, no. No, no. Amsterdam, Berlin. Back to Wiseguys for a second time. I love it. I love Wiseguys so much. Reno, Nevada, the 29th. Carnegie Hall, December 4th. I love that. Look at that. Hometown boy. Carnegie Hall. How fucking pumped are you? I'll be pumped when it sells out. Yeah, I hear that. But you're not doing it with the festival, right? You're just doing it on. I can't do that shit anymore. Don't give it to them. Do it on your own. Do it on your own. I love that. I'm a big fan of that. Yeah. You're competing with 40 fucking friends. Of course. I know. Of course. It doesn't make sense. Go see McCartney. I'm going to go to that show, dude. That's cool. Hey, hell yeah. It's a beautiful room. Yeah. All right. I'll be in Helsinki, Stockholm, Dublin, Valley Center, which I don't know where that is. Going back to my goobies. Got to write a new hour. Kodak in Rochester, Washington, D.C., Niagara Falls, San Diego. Yeah. All right. MarcoMcCartney.com. Buy some Bodega Cat. Check out Greg. What do you got? On my podcast. Welcome to Talk Down. There you go. Check out the podcast. It's hilarious. Looking handsome, dude. Looking good. Hey, with Liby and DeVito. Nothing wrong with that. Funny people. All right. Thank you, folks. Thanks, boys. I got a train to catch. You're not making that. Choo-choo. That's crazy. I'm going to text you from the train. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Piverec. You know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. We might be. We might be drunk. Life is all about making decisions. Sometimes you make questionable ones. 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