Ep. 204: Boredom is Better Than Bingeing

[Music] Welcome to the Brain Over Binge podcast where you learn a simple brain-based approach to ending binge eating. I'm Katherine Hansen, author of Brain Over Binge and the Brain Over Binge Recovery Guide, and I'm so glad you're here. Before we get started, I want to let you know that when you sign up for my monthly newsletter and email updates, you can download the free Brain Over Binge Inspiration booklet, and this will help you stay focused and motivated as you let go of binging. The free booklet contains 31 daily messages to guide you as you develop consistency and to reinforce the Brain Over Binge concepts. With this booklet, you'll also receive the free "Manage Your Mindset" after a binge audio track from the Brain Over Binge course. The reality is that most people who are getting started with breaking the binge eating habit have times when they may act on an urge. And if this has been the case for you, you're not alone. And the purpose of the "Manage Your Mindset" after a binge audio track, which is a 10-minute recording that I created, is to help you get right back to having success and moving toward a binge-free life, even if you have a slip. You can find a link in the show description to sign up for my monthly newsletter and get those free resources. Today I want to talk about something that comes up in group coaching and also in 101 Coaching, and I'm calling this episode "Boredom Is Better Than Binging." Many people have described to me the experience of getting some traction in recovery, where they're binging much less or not at all, and they're doing their best to eat normally. And while they can absolutely see the benefits of this, and they can see the stability and the health that they're creating, they also have this experience of feeling kind of flat, or bored, or just emotionally "blah." This experience is not specific to stopping binge eating. It can also happen when you're cutting back on something like alcohol or overuse of social media, or any other habit or substance that has created a lot of artificial excitement or escape. Even though the people I've talked to about this are genuinely happy and excited to be binge-free, or moving toward being binge-free, there can still be this feeling of, "Why does everything feel dull? Or why don't I feel more joyful? Or why does normal life feel flat?" If you're experiencing this too, you may find yourself confused, especially if you've wanted recovery a very long time. It can feel strange to have the experience of finally getting a taste of what recovery feels like, and maybe it just doesn't feel quite as wonderful as you were hoping. I know that you can rationally see that it is actually wonderful in so many ways to be binge-free. It is wonderful to wake up without that regret and shame. It's wonderful to go to bed without feeling physically awful from binging. It's wonderful not to be wasting so much time, so much energy, mental space, or money on binges. It's wonderful to know that you're no longer doing something that's hurting you. But that doesn't mean every moment of recovery feels exciting. Sometimes, especially early on, recovery can feel a lot quieter than you expected, and sometimes the absence of the chaos and the struggle can feel like boredom. I want to discuss this in depth today because it's something that, if not properly understood, could put you at risk for going back to the habit. Having the experience of boredom after stopping binging does not mean anything has gone wrong. It does not mean binging was giving your life true excitement and meaning. It does not mean the habit was helping you, and it definitely does not mean you need to start binging again in order to feel alive. It simply means that your brain and your life are adjusting to being without the extreme highs and lows of the habit. Binging creates intensity. It creates anticipation, urgency, and a very temporary feeling of pleasure or escape or relief. But then, of course, it always creates the other side too. It creates all of the consequences that come with binging, the physical pain, shame, lost time, disconnection, exhaustion, and the repeating cycle of trying new things to fix yourself or to get back on track. So when you remove the binging, you are removing those awful consequences. You're taking away the pain and the chaos, but you're also removing those artificial spikes of excitement or pleasure that your lower brain has learned to expect. And because of that, it simply makes sense that life could feel flatter for a while. An important thing to remember is that flatter is not worse. Feeling stable is not worse. Being able to be functional in your life is not worse. But stable or functional may not feel like the high you were expecting from recovery. This is one of the reasons I try to teach people that recovery does not mean a perfect life. I talk about this a lot on the podcast in terms of emotional issues, and how it's so important to realize that recovery does not lead to a U that coves perfectly with everything. Thinking that's necessary for recovery can prolong recovery indefinitely. I believe it's the same when it comes to the idea of boredom. Recovery doesn't produce a U that finds life fun or exciting. It produces a U who does not binge. And that U who does not binge is likely out of practice finding other pleasures or fun in life. And also, without the extreme dopamine rush of the binge eating habit, there is some recalibrating that needs to happen in your body and brain. And what you might find dull or boring at first after recovery won't always feel that way. You can learn to reframe it as peace or steadiness. That in fact feels really good and not like anything is missing at all. The recalibration does not happen overnight. So I think it's really important to have some awareness about this possible stage of boredom so that it doesn't trip you up or trick you into going back to the quote-unquote excitement of binging. A mantra you can repeat to yourself if you're dealing with this right now is "Boredom is better than binging." Even if boredom is uncomfortable, even if it's not your favorite feeling. And even if your lower brain tries to tell you that binging would make life more exciting again, boredom is still a preferred state to binging. To really see this, it's helpful to think about what you would tell someone that you care about who told you that life felt boring without a harmful behavior. You would have compassion for them, knowing that the adjustment might be hard. But you would never say "Okay, then the solution to that boredom is to go back to the harmful behavior." You would know that boredom is not a reason for that person to hurt themselves. And it's the same for you. Remind yourself daily that boredom, like any emotion, is not a reason to binge. The lower brain will likely argue against this logic, because remember its goal is immediate gratification and getting you to maintain the habit. If you feel bored, the lower brain can start to paint a very dreary picture of what life is like without the habit. You may have thoughts like "You'll never find anything else as pleasurable as binging." You may have thoughts that normal eating is so boring, or that your daily routine is boring, or being responsible is boring, or that working or doing daily tasks without constantly eating is boring. And those thoughts can seem very believable in the moment. But again, remind yourself that boredom is better than binging. One of the main reasons for this mantra is that it does not make feeling excitement or having a fun life, a requirement to stay binge-free. Even if you can't talk yourself out of being bored, you need to know that you can still stay binge-free. Later in this episode, I'm going to discuss ways that you can help yourself with boredom, but fundamentally, you have to know that boredom is still the preferred state to the awful cycle of binging. When you think about it this way, then even in moments when you truly feel like the choice is between boredom and binging, you're still going to choose recovery. And even in those moments when you believe that, that it's a choice between boredom and binging, remember that this is not the whole picture. This is an oversimplified and dramatic version that the lower brain is creating. When the lower brain presents binging as the solution to boredom or as the only choice in moments of boredom, it sends messages making you think that binging will be a source of fun or relief or comfort or excitement. But it completely leaves out the reality of what binging cost you and the harm that comes to your life as a result. If you were to believe the lower brain and choose to binge as a "solution for boredom", it's truly a terrible one that you always regret. I've never talked to someone that was happy afterward that they chose binging over boredom. So when those thoughts that say that binging is better than boredom arise, you can begin to recognize them for what they are. They are faulty messages that make binging seem appealing or useful in the moment, but that leads you into behaviors that you don't want. Granted, those behaviors might not be boring, but there are far worse things in life than being bored, and binging is one of them. And once you see that clearly, you don't have to give those thoughts so much meaning. You don't have to analyze them, argue with them, or get pulled into a long debate about whether your life is exciting enough. You can simply understand that the lower brain is not offering you any wisdom here, it is just encouraging you to return to the habit. Your higher brain can see the full picture that any anticipation or excitement of giving into the urge always, always includes pain. And I want to stay on this point just a little longer because it's where we need to be really honest with ourselves. We can't separate the brief period of escape into the binge from the aftermath of the binge. We can't say I just want the pleasurable part to relieve the boredom because that "pleasurable part" and the painful part are always tied together. Even if your lower brain tries to show you only the first scene of the movie, your higher brain knows how the movie ends. And when you see this full picture, boredom starts to look a little different. Boredom may not be pleasant, but boredom is a little different. Boredom does not destroy your life or your health. Boredom does not leave you ashamed. Boredom does not take away your ability to function the rest of the day or the next day. Boredom is not harmful. Binging is harmful. When you don't binge, even if you feel dull, you gain the ability to be functional in your life. And I know the word functional may not sound very exciting, but functionality is a gift. When you're not binging, you can show up for yourself and others. You can make plans and actually follow through, or at least start thinking about what plans you may want to make. You can pursue goals, or at least start thinking of some goals that you might want to pursue. You can share your gifts with the world, or start connecting with and trying to develop your unique gifts. You can be present for the people you care about. You can simply move through your day and take care of your responsibilities without dragging the pain of a binge behind you. In short, being binge free gives you your life back, and sometimes especially in the beginning, getting your life back does not feel like fireworks. Sometimes it feels like doing the dishes, going to work, dealing with your finances, washing some mindless TV, calling an old friend, or just having an ordinary evening. That may feel boring to the lower brain, but to your higher brain, it is freedom taking shape. When your lower brain says "boring", answer with "functional", or "free", let boring be a launch pad for more stability, and the ability to start building a life that you can feel good about. Another place the boring thought could come up is in relation to your meals and snacks. When you're used to eating a large amount of very highly stimulating foods in the benches, then eating normal amounts of possibly less stimulating foods consistently might feel unsatisfying to the lower brain. Now as I talk about often in this show, we are absolutely meant to enjoy food. It's okay to enjoy food and things like desserts and sweets in ways that work for you. But in the beginning, eating and moderation might give you that dull or unsatisfied feeling. Again, remind yourself that boredom is better than vinging, and trust that as time goes by and your body and brain stop expecting such extreme amounts, then the normal amounts will start to feel more enjoyable and more satisfying. It's again trusting in that recalibration that needs to happen in your body and brain. Try to see it as a good thing that your normal eating is not giving you that hit that binge eating was, because that hit was harming you. The goal is not to try to recreate that binge feeling with your normal meals, or to find something else to do that lights up your brain with that exact same intensity as binging. Your new goal is to just let normal enjoyment be enough. Let normal eating be enough. Even if it does not feel like enough at first. When your lower brain says that life is boring because nothing else feels like binging, you can tell yourself, nothing else has to feel like binging. A walk does not have to feel like binging. A shower does not have to feel like binging. A TV show does not have to feel like binging. Music, reading, calling a friend, folding laundry, going to bed early, do not have to feel like binging, so don't expect them to. Keeping them to feel like binging creates more frustration. So stop trying to replicate binging with something else. Your goal is to let go of the extreme highs and lows, and start to create something different in your life. When your lower brain says nothing else will satisfy like a binge, you can answer with, fine, nothing else has to satisfy me in that specific harmful way. That response can be so powerful because you're no longer arguing with the urge. You're no longer trying to prove that something else will be just as exciting. You're no longer putting pressure on yourself to find the perfect substitute for binging. You're simply saying, I do not need that type of satisfaction anymore. I can live without it, and I'll be much better off. Now everyone needs comfort, pleasure, rest, connection, and enjoyment, but the key is to see that you do not need it in that particular form of binging, which is hurting you. The sense that you need that specific form of escape is part of the conditioned habit, and as the habit fades, so will that sense of need and desire. It's about giving up what is hurting you, knowing that nothing else is going to give you that same feeling right now, nor do you want something to. And trusting that in time, you'll find new and healthier forms of satisfaction, healthier forms of enjoyment, and real solutions to boredom. And that's what I want to move on to here, because even if you get that boredom is better than binging, you understandably want to move beyond that phase and start thinking about what you want your days and nights to look like, what you want to do with your time, and who you are without this habit. First, I want you to see that the fact that you're experiencing some of these bigger questions is a gift. It means there is space opening up, and the habit is no longer consuming every bit of your attention. You do not have to rush this, you do not have to create an amazing new life overnight, you do not need to suddenly become a person with ten hobbies, perfect routines, or constant joy. You can start very small. The reason it could feel challenging at first is simply because, by binging in response to boredom, you haven't truly given yourself a chance to discover new things to fill your time. And I'm not talking about trying one new thing and then deciding to do it. I'm talking about really deciding that binging is never an option, no matter how bored you are, and no matter how unsatisfying new activities feel at first, and committing to that over the long term. I want to give you a simple framework that you can use to start to help yourself in these moments when life feels boring or flat without binging, or when the lower brain produces the common thought that there's nothing else to do except binge. This is simply never true, and you can see this by realizing that you would never tell someone else that there is nothing to do except binge. At every moment there are millions of people doing a multitude of things that do not involve binging. You can always find something to occupy your time. But when you're out of practice doing other things, it can help to have a framework to remind your brain that there are other things to do. The framework is eight simple categories of things to do that you can use to guide you or to brainstorm. I recommend writing down as many ideas as you can think of in each category. The first category is connection, which involves reaching out to others in some way, such as calling a friend, writing a letter, it could involve spending time with or making plans to spend time with people that you care about, or determining how to meet someone new. The second category is creativity, and this could be any project or hobby such as writing, art, home projects, or music. The third category is recovery, which I included here to remind you that during times when you feel bored, you can turn to binge eating recovery resources. If you like this podcast, you can listen to it, you can do journaling, you can join a recovery community like the Brain Over Binge group or any other community. The fourth category is responsibilities. This is all of those necessary things in life that we simply have to do to make our lives function, like running errands, doing chores, completing tasks, or paying bills. The fifth category is self-care, which can be any form of relaxation or rest, or any form of hygiene that you enjoy like a warm shower or skin care. The sixth category is fun. All of these categories are pretty open-ended, but this one could include a wide variety of things that you could possibly find pleasure in, from something as simple as playing with your dog to taking a trip. The seventh category is service. You can do something to help a cause that you care about. You can do something kind for a neighbor. You can do volunteer work. When you're really feeling stuck in your own mind, it can really help to shift to thinking about how you can best help someone else. The eighth category is purpose. You can engage in something that makes life more meaningful to you. This could include things like evaluating your career path or determining how to get involved in your community. It can also include any form of spiritual practice that connects you with who you believe yourself to be on a deeper level. You will likely be able to think of other categories as well, but doing any of these things, or anything else that you find personally beneficial, can support you in writing out the urges, encountering the faulty lower brain story that binging is the only thing to do, or that recovery is boring. The main message here is that although you absolutely can be bored and still not binge, you do not have to stay stuck in boredom either. Celebrate yourself when you do anything from these categories instead of following the urge. Even if the activity you chose felt flat or you still couldn't quite shake the boredom, you still did an amazing thing for yourself by choosing boredom over pain. Trust that your body and brain will adjust in time. Trust that boredom is not an emergency. Boredom is the start for a better life for yourself. So I'll close today with one final reminder that when your lower brain says this is boring, you can answer with boredom is better than binging. That's all for today's episode. I hope this episode will help you the next time your lower brain tries to convince you that binging is the excitement that you need, because it never is. And before I wrap up this episode, I want to let you know that we work through topics like this daily in the brainover binge group. You can get support applying the brainover binge concepts in your own life. And you'll also get to learn from others who are overcoming similar patterns and learning to stay binge free even in the midst of challenging circumstances. In the group we have four calls per week, with me leading the calls, and each call is up to one hour each depending on attendance and coaching needs. And I always make sure that everyone on these calls who once coaching gets coaching. We also have daily check-ins on a private forum to make sure you're all right. you're staying on track with the two recovery goals of dismissing urges and eating adequately. And you can get coaching from me on the forum as well. And with a group, you also get full access to the BrainOverBinge course to work through at your own pace. You can learn more about the group at brainoverbinge.com/group and that link is in the show description. I look forward to talking to you in the next episode. And until then, I want to encourage you and remind you that you have the power to change your brain and live a binge-free life. [Music] The BrainOverBinge podcast is produced and recorded by BrainOverBinge Recovery Coaching LLC. All work is copyrighted by BrainOverBinge Recovery Coaching LLC and all rights are reserved. As a disclaimer, the host of the BrainOverBinge podcast are not professional counselors or licensed healthcare providers and this podcast is not a substitute for medical advice or any form of professional therapy. Eating disorders can have serious health consequences and you are strongly advised to seek medical attention for matters relating to your health. Please get help when you need it and good luck on your journey. [Music]