EP #168: Reflections on Modern Dating: Honesty, Rejection, and How to Find Authentic Connection with Eric Neumann, Comedian and Podcast Host

(upbeat music) - Welcome back to another episode of Everyday in Dorfins. I'm your host, Stella Stefanoppless, and this week I had the pleasure of getting to sit down with Eric Newman, who is a stand-up comedian based in New York City. He is well-recognized in the community, being featured on the tonight show, starring Jimmy Fallon, appearing on comedy centrals this week at the Comedy Cellar, and his three specials all reach number one on the iTunes comedy charts, and are currently playing on serious XM. So Eric does a lot, and he also is a dating podcast, which you should all tune into, but we were first introduced in my yoga class at Equinox. So the pipeline from yoga mat to podcast microphone, it's kinda crazy, and we just had a really fun candid conversation in this episode about what it means to really get deep and strip away the jokes and the humor and comedy and all the things that he's doing, and just really understand the nature of human psychology, why are we so obsessed with finding out the meaning of life, and we also dive into the psychology of dating, and how it's hard in modern day to be a man, and what it means to be masculine, and the challenges of the dating. There's a very interesting conversation, a lot for me to think about. So I'm really excited for you all to tune in, but before we dive into this episode, reminder to like, rate, and review this podcast on whichever listening platform you prefer, and make sure to subscribe to Everyday Endorphins on all the social platforms, so you can stay up to date with episodes, events, activations, all the things. All right, let's get into it. Hi, Eric. Thank you so much for coming on to Everyday Endorphins. It is so wonderful having you here today. Thank you so much for having me, so I appreciate it. I just want to start by saying that this is the exact spot where I do my therapy weekly therapy session, so I don't know what's going to come out of me today. Wow, okay, no pressure for me, but this is also the exact spot where I do my therapy sessions. Wow. What have I happened like an hour and a half, so that's what I might be like, we're just like soft diving into what's to come this week for the day. Can we be staying on? Can myself and the rest of the viewers just stay on, sort of bleed it into your therapy session, just see what other-- Yeah, yeah. I mean, I feel like some of the things we're going to actually talk about later tie into what I'll probably bring up to my therapist this afternoon. So this is kind of like the perfect prerequisite, or bleed into our-- I'm going to be talking about later today. Separately, I'm curious to hear how you feel being behind the metaphorical mic now, virtually with me, after your first introduction to me being at the Equinox Hudson Yards Yoga Studio, where I was your instructor. Let's talk about that pipeline. You're just wanting to tell everybody that they should take your yoga class. That's basically what you were-- Yes. Which, by the way, I do think they should, because I really enjoyed it. And I had never taken your classes before. And I'm kind of like a lost soul when it comes to yoga. I just kind of like just randomly take classes and show up at times the work in different locations or whatever. Mostly Hudson Yards, but yeah, I was very-- I was really pleasantly surprised at how great your class was. So not surprised. I just didn't know-- I didn't know you. Thank you. Well, OK. I appreciate the compliment. That means a lot as a yoga instructor. It's important for me, especially for people who are first getting into it, or maybe are more resistant to the practice, if I can create a positive experience, that's a win. So I'm very happy to hear that. But I was not a lot of students, typically, will come up to you after class and be like, that was so great. I really loved it. So as a teacher, it's very validating and nice to hear, getting that kind of feedback. So props to you for going out of your way to speak your truth. Like, very appreciative of that. Yeah, no. It was great. And the other thing is just in general, I think people I hate-- and obviously, is a performer. Like, we thrive off of good energy. So I hate that more people don't do that. I noticed that even in comedy, comics are just so-- sometimes hesitant to just compliment each other, because it's weird and you've got to-- but if I love a joke, I'll go right up to somebody and be like, I love that joke, or that was a lot, or like, great set, or whatever. But I feel like, yeah, I don't know. I just feel like a lot of people in general are like a little-- they're shy. And I think even if it's like to say something nice sometimes, it doesn't feel worth it to people. But again, when you're on the receiving end of it, it's sort of like everything in that moment. So I think I try to be that person, because I know how good it feels on the other end. 100%. And it's interesting, because I don't understand why a lot of people feel like there's an obstacle that they have to overcome to just be nice to someone else, or just to, like, say one small kind thing. Like, why does it feel so hard sometimes to just put yourself out there and strike up conversation with a stranger? Like, I mean, maybe we're both very, you know, like, chatty people and like very outgoing. So perhaps it's easier for someone like you or me. But generally speaking, I feel like the world would be a better place and just easier to live in if people were more open with expressing how they felt about certain things. And specifically positive things. Like, I think I don't think there's any shortage of people who are expressive about shit that they hate, or the internet wouldn't exist. I mean, even when I put up clips sometimes, like, people will, like, unfortunately, most of my really viral ones are ones that have the most negative comments. Because I think, like, people thrive off-- I think, like, negative-- really, like, negative finds a way of, like, really creating, like, a strong build. Whereas I think positivity people are like, ah, let's let's shut that down, you know? So I think-- I don't know. I always try to be-- I mean, I always say to, like, people, like-- and, again, like, it takes a lot, I think, a lot of, like, experience. And, like, it's sort of, like, a muscle being able to tolerate negativity is sort of, like, a muscle also. Because you're not going to completely eliminate it from the world, right? That's impossible. But whenever, like, a buddy of mine gets, like, upset that someone wrote, like, something, like, you know, mean, or whatever, on the comment section, I always go, like, think of the people who stop-- like, do you know anybody is anybody in your life that you hang out with that you'd want around someone who would stop at a video and, like, take the time to shit all over it? Like, I just think that those type of people just, like, are just not people I would want around anyway. So it doesn't-- I try not to let it affect me. I'm not saying it doesn't. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't. You obviously want to be appreciated for the things that you put effort into. But I think just getting really good at understanding that you don't know who the hell these people are is, you know, I think is kind of, like, a little bit of a saving grace. Yeah, totally. And something I've been thinking a lot about recently, too, is I've been shifting the way I share content online is how it actually is very hard to be vulnerable and to put yourself out there online. And that's, like, amplified, I think, to the max being a comedian. Because what you find funny, like, what you're trying to get people to laugh at, like, it may not land with everyone. And so you're, like, basically putting yourself out there and risking how other people are perceiving you to try to, like, create a joyful comedic environment. And if something doesn't land, like, that can feel, like, an attack on yourself. But kind of what I'm hearing you saying is, like, learning to not take things personally. Like, as I've been posting things more on social media and on TikTok, which we'll get into a bit later in the interview. But there was a video that went semi-viral for me on my platform. And I think it was because of all the hate and the comments and all of, like, literally, like, the trolls on social media that, like, we'll just tear you down. And someone made a comment and was, like, you know nothing about women, like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the video was about relationships and all these, you know, just the frustrations and modern dating. And I was, like, who is taking the time to literally comment that I know nothing about women while I am a woman? And I'm speaking from my own experience. Like, it just doesn't add up. So you have to kind of just, like, laugh at the hilarity of the situation and move forward and not let it get to you. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Well, that's the-- I mean, yeah. Was it a man or a woman who wrote that? Like, I have no idea. Yeah, yeah. It's good that you're investing at your already, like, five steps emotionally ahead of where I was when I started posting stuff. Because I would, like, click on their profile, find out where they lived, research the place. And, like, just so unhealthy to, like, go to waste any energy at all on these people is, like, is insane. And that's not to say that I don't appreciate a lot of the people on the internet because a lot of them are supportive and have, like, helped my career immensely. But, like, you know, there's just-- I don't know. Like, at the end of the day, it's like the internet is kind of just, like, a black hole that you're just, like, feeding content to. And, like, who knows why one goes viral and one doesn't. Like, some of the best stuff I've ever posted, I swear, like, has just gotten, like, very little movement. And then, like, something that I'm-- and there has been some relationship between quality and some relationship between quality and, like, you know, like, you know, like-- widespread, you know, distribution and whatever, but like, I don't know. Like I just, again, like, right, the one that went semi-viral for you was one that had like a lot of negativity on it. And so that kind of is a good, it's sort of just a good representation of what fuels people. And that is negative. Hunter first, I think. It's, yeah, it's like polarizing emotions. People want to, people want to have a reason to get mad and argue. Like I don't, I don't, I don't want to argue. It's like, it's like, it's like, I got to power two relationships now. I'm like, I'm like, it's good to debate and it's good for us to like, try to see I die on things, but like, I don't want to get into a yelling match with you. Like, it's just a waste of energy. I don't want to, and I don't like feeling those feelings. I don't, I don't like feeling. You can process things and you should feel, you should feel things and you shouldn't prevent yourself from feeling things. But you also don't have to get into screaming matches with strangers. Yes. Sorry, you know, where's the cutoff, I guess, right? 100%. I wrote a substack about this idea a few months ago. And it was, the concept was like learning how to sit with an emotion and not become it. So anger, it has like a very powerful effect on us as humans. It's, it can feel like you can like fully feel anger and become anger. It's so easy to let anger overcome you, right? But there's a difference between just noticing like, yeah, I feel angry. Like this thing happened and the emotional byproduct that I'm experiencing is anger. But I'm not going to let that be the lens through which I see the world and just act with anger every single day. But it's so easy to, it's like, we live in this world of convenience and we're not willing to put in the work of like developing that self-awareness and like emotional toolkit to learn how to de-identify from our emotions because it's just so easy to like sit and linger in them, you know, like de-identify. You should read the substack. Like, dive into it more there. But it's, I mean, it yeah, when you like de-identify from an emotional experience, you don't let that become like who you are, right? So life, things happen and you can't predict what's going to happen all the time. But if you, I think learn how to just like take a step back and have this objective perspective of how your life is going and what's occurring, you can make more informed decisions because you're not like fully in it. You're able to take that step back. Yeah, you know, I totally agree. And that's also what yoga helps with, right? You know what I'm always so amazed by is how almost any yoga class I take, it's like mass majority women. And not that there aren't men who join and you know, you know, sometimes I'll take a class and there'll be like four or five other guys there. But I am continuously amazed that they're not more men because I think that men would actually benefit given how unemotionally aware the average man is. I'm sure. But you know, the other thing is I'm not shocked because if they were more aware, they would go to yoga. Like it's almost like it feeds itself. So I don't know. All I know is that yoga is great for, it's great for mental health. It's great for exercise. And it's great. So like my therapist who I love very much, she signed me up for this coherent breathing class one time. And then now I've been into coherent breathing, which I actually skipped today. I have to do it later. But I do it every morning for 10 to 15 minutes and then at night for five to 10 minutes. It kind of teaches, breathing wise, it teaches sort of the same thing that yoga teaches, which is just sort of like have to breathe no matter like yoga teaches like no matter how hard and like, you know, opposes or stances, you have to keep breathing through it. And so I think that like you were saying that's sort of like how we should be handling life every step of the way. But I think some people don't want to don't have the ability to try or will to try. And I think that's why there's all this fucking back and forth that sort of seemingly never ends. I don't know if that made any sense at all, but it's just my many rants that I will probably go on before four o'clock. No, it made a complete sense. And like, this is what I've been trying to say, like especially to my male friends for years. So everyone who's listening, if you're a man or identifies a man, like you should listen to this exact thing that Eric just said because it is for whatever reason. I think it's like a, I mean, I wish I had the answer actually is to why men are so much less emotionally attuned to their own emotions than women. I wish I had an answer. Yeah, I think men are more, I don't know. I mean, it's so hard to say. I started dating psychology podcasts, which I do by myself. And I've had one guest in 10 episodes so far. But I get very, very raw and very honest and like definitely have a chance of pissing people off with every sentence I say. I feel like part of the reason why we're so divided is because people aren't willing to be fully honest. It's like they say, there'd be like, you're not going to get anything done unless you're ready to be honest. Like, I feel that's in way just like sort of in society. Are we going to let's just, let's just admit that, I don't want to turn this into a social or political commentary, but let's just admit that men and women are very, very different beings and that that's okay. And that doesn't mean that one is better or worse than the other, but that we both, that we on average have certain strengths and weaknesses. You know, and that we need to bridge that gap by being honest about those things and like talking them through and like helping one another specifically in like romantic relationships to sort of like become the best version of ourselves. I don't like that people have taken a very lazy approach of just like, we're the same. Like I think like obviously that's like specifically in like, you know, modern society. I think that's sort of been thrown around a bunch and you know, we're not the same, but that's good. You know, if we're the same, we would be attracted to one another. And we're not meant to be the same. I really love your perspective too on women and men should help educate each other about how we're different and like learn how to work together. Like that's conflict resolution. That's communication. 100%. And then the issue with, that's the issue with sort of what I'm having, particularly the younger generation of people, I think are just like trying to pretend that doesn't exist and saying like, we're all the same. It's like, no, we're not. And like we never will be and pretending like we are. And saying and the other thing is that's misconstrued a lot too is like just because we're not the same doesn't mean that men should make more money. I've sort of written a society now where it's like you're either with them, you're either with us or against us. And like I don't know what with us or against us means like, I'm taking everything on a case by case issue. We can be different but also equal. So like, I don't know where that connect has sort of come from, but yeah, no, I don't know. I feel very strongly about all this stuff. That no, but that's okay because this has been also very top of mine for me. I think in this day and age, it's actually very hard for men to feel masculine because of like how we become so polarized between equality and this and that. And I agree with you, like I can recognize that men and women are inherently different from like a biological, psychological perspective, the way we think the way that we act, the way we behave. Yet that doesn't mean that I believe that women should make less than men. Like that's an entirely separate conversation, right? And what's interesting, this actually gets segue into the TikTok that I made that kind of went viral on my platform was it was me replying to a comment from a video that I put out like a few weeks ago. And it was the video where I replied to the comment that like kind of popped off. So to give you context, because I would love to hear your take on this. I was traveling to Copenhagen earlier in September and I was out at a wine bar with a friend and a guy came up to us and he very confidently, very calmly approached our table and turned to my friend and was like, hi, I saw you from across the way. You know, I was curious if I could have your number. I love it. Love it. My friend is engaged. So she kindly says, thank you so much. It's very, very sweet of you. I actually am seeing someone, but I appreciate your confidence. And coming up to me. And he was like, of course, like you seemed like my type. I figured I would just ask for your number. All was well. He walked away and we both looked at each other like, wow, this is so refreshing. I think there's a cultural dimension to this. But B, when was the last time a man just confidently approached a woman not in a creepy way, right? Like it was just so refreshing. And what I also loved, and I talked about this with my friend, was how she didn't make him feel like psychologically unsafe to be honest, going back to your point about speaking your truth and being honest. She could I don't get my number of strangers or excuse me, I'm seeing someone or like why excuse me? Why would you come up to me? Like she wasn't rude and standoffish. She was like wow thank you, but I'm actually you know taken and have a good rest of your diet whatever. So I made this video and there was a comment in that video being like you know women never want us to approach. So we listened what's the problem? I said in a video in summary what I basically just told you like how refreshing it was to see this and how it's you know so many men are the ones that are left approaching are doing in a creepy way and that video like people freaked out and there was a ton of hate comments and all the things but I would just love to hear from your perspective as well. Why do you think this is happening? Like why is it so hard for people to just be honest and shoot their shot? Well first of all I appreciate it what you said because I think your friend reacting that way was great because she wasn't she was just saying hey I'm off the market but from an objective lens what you did was great and most women I know would appreciate what you did and how you did it. Well first of all I think there's a lot of layers here. Well let me just start by saying that my first episode that I did for my podcast it's called something something that I knew in the first episode it was called anti dating apps. So I'm very anti dating apps I'm not and again I'm very aware of the fact that people have had success on dating apps and have found partners and have been very happy and have gotten married and have had kids. I know that this is happening and I know that there is a success rate and I'm not saying I think they should be like banned or whatever but personally for me I don't think it's helping. I'm I've never been on dating apps so everybody that I've ever dated or been involved with I've been in person. I'm not insensitive to the fact that I have never been shy and that I like feel comfortable talking to people I don't know and always have so I know that's not everybody's strong suit and I end and by the way I just want to say that even though I've always been that way it's still nerve-wracking for me it's still it's I still and I'm anxious about it like nobody ever wants to feel shitty like nobody wants to get rejected one-on-one in person when their printing themselves out there obviously not so it is nerve-wracking it is inherently a nervous situation so why is it happening? Why are people so like a rate about it? Why are they so passionate? why are they like arguing back and forth in the comments section? Well I think there's like a lot there I think first of all everybody's a little bit guarded. Men are guarded because they feel like they're gonna get rejected or come off as a creep. Women are guarded because they probably experienced creepy behavior before or have been in situations where they have felt unsafe for a guy's been too aggressive or and I'm not and again I'm not trying to ignore the fact that sometimes guys don't take no for an answer and that can get out of hand and become tense and uncomfortable and women don't really want to do that especially when they're just like listening to music on the treadmill or like walking home or like or on the subway. I've approached women in so many different social settings I've always tried to I've always tried to do it with like an era of like softness like I think that's a very important thing and I think women generally speaking also react a lot better to something that feels a little bit of a softer approach as opposed to like aggressively trying to sleep with a woman you know which is somehow sort of what guys and especially like bars and clubs like the approach is probably never gonna be perfect because you know when you're doing it in a situation where you're drunk or they're drunk or whatever yet but like in a situation like what happened with your friend it sounds to me like it was during the day or something yeah we were sitting outside yeah which is great and that makes and especially when he's coming over in a group of girls he's basically saying like hey like you're you have home base here I'm coming to you and like and you know but that particularly is a very vulnerable situation for him and he did get rejected you know whether it was whether she would have been interested or not without the the other man in her life who knows but it's just a situation where he's outnumbered and he's he's going at it as a way to making her to make her feel as come to her as possible if it were in reverse and he was with two of his friends and she was alone that would make it feel a lot it would put a lot more pressure on her right because now now and you never know I mean guys are like fucking crazy sometimes so I mean I think that the there's twofold the first is like a guy having the willingness and confidence to approach a woman in a public setting first is the first order of business and then the delivery that is in fact to that action is as important if not more important so like I think that guys miss the mark a lot so because a lot of people don't know how to communicate well and don't know how to talk to guys don't know how to talk to women in general very well so the idea that they're going to now approach a woman do something from a place of like anxiety and then still stay calm enough and like kind enough to like pull it off it just feels like a big ask from a lot of men and I think men kind of bow out mostly and just go I don't want to do that I could just like sort of like swipe on my app and like talk it and whatever and then so I'm I'm all for what that guy did and it sounds to me like he approached it really well and I think he should feel good about doing it and your friend by the way handled it very well because I think women and I think and again like let's say a man spends five years trying to muster up the courage to do something like this and then does and then comes across that one bitchy woman who's like who's like and maybe she's dealt with aggressive guys in the past and that's why she's in the place she's at whatever the reason like he approaches her she's mean or makes him feel bad that he did it he may be discouraged from doing that and go back on the apps and like be like okay well this is my safe space I tried it it's like and by the way that's on him too because everybody knows you need to be you need to get good particularly when asking women how you need to get good at rejection I mean getting good at rejection and feeling comfortable enough with it to not let it break you in half is a big part of the dating world and life just as a whole so I mean you know whatever but but yeah I think that's a lot that's in large part of reason for why men don't do it more you know why people sort of just fall back on on dating apps I think I think it's just I think it just feels less tense for people yes and I really think like we live in a frictionless world with apps and just like things are too convenient and it it actually I think perpetuates behavior where we don't face our own emotions like it's so easy to just swipe and move on to the next the next next because we're uncomfortable with how like certain emotions are presenting themselves for us I've reflected a lot on maybe why this video has done well and okay of course it's controversial and maybe right now the dating is just a hot topic especially right now so sure maybe that's what's causing this video to to be a bit more pungy and like sticky for people but I think about the platform that I'm building and the topic being around joy and happiness and mental health and in my head I'm like okay why is this video about dating performing so well like this is not about like mental health but it actually is because what you're saying is learning how to get okay with rejection learning how to have the the social skills to engage with other people platonically and romantically like if you are so crumbled by someone rejecting you that is a sign of like such low self-esteem and self-worth and I think we've all been there before like it's only human it's only natural like I can think of times where I've been rejected and it was like the end of the world for me now looking back I'm like wow I had so much work to do then I didn't even realize on how to build my own self confidence in self-esteem and it's just really sad for me to witness how a lot of people generally speaking like we're all kind of struggling I mean some more than others for sure I mean it's apparent in that video but like we're a lot of us are struggling with self-confidence and self-esteem issues and that is amplified when we put it in the context of dating and relationships and the pursuit of a relationship as someone who is a performer and a comedian like you have to get comfortable with rejection do you have any strategies or like through just your own lived experience how have you learned to not let a rejection whether it's on a stage or you're performing and doing stand-up or it's in the context of romantic relationship like how do you tell your body that like you're safe and you're okay when something doesn't go your way oh it's a good question wow there's really no way out but through you just gotta feel it sometimes if I go through really bad moments I just say to myself I'm not gonna be feeling this way forever like I know I'm feeling this way right now but I'm gonna feel differently tomorrow or the day after or by next week or next month depending on the severity of whatever it is you went through and sort of how you learn to process it but I think the only thing I'm certain about is that you need to face it you need to ask yourself the questions when things hurt you when you get rejected like there are things that I've gotten rejected from where I was like shocked by the fact that I got rejected. And then there are things that I got rejected from where I said to myself, I didn't do my best. There were so many things I could have done better. My tone, like if I asked somebody out and I got rejected or some opportunity like in comedy that I really wanted that didn't want me, sometimes it feels like it's me, sometimes it feels like it's not me, but I think trying to figure out what it is as quickly as possible, I think is helpful. And then just also just understanding that for standup, for example, like I've seen so many friends becoming extremely famous, I've seen so many friends quit comedy, I've seen friends be at the same open mic for 15 years, you know. I can also argue what success and failure mean. I think there are a lot more gray than, you know, we try to categorize them as, but, but if we're talking about tangible financial success or whatever, in the 17 years I've been doing standup, I've seen people on every end of the spectrum. The only thing I can say for sure is that you have to just get good at understanding that it's like, it's never gonna stop. And I think that there's some comfort in knowing that rejection will never stop. I continue to take hits all the time in comedy. Like I'm at like a much higher success level or whatever than I was, let's say five years ago or 10 years ago, but I take just as many hits, if not more hits, they're just different hits, you know. And so I think there's comfort to knowing that, okay, no matter what you, no matter what's gets thrown at, you're staying in it. You know, making that commitment to yourself is really sort of what I think keeps you grounded and like passionate and excited, saying like, there's almost something beautiful about that, about saying that no matter how much it hurts, I'm still gonna do it if I feel like it's worth it, which I clearly do. - I love it. When we stay committed to self-improvement or like adopting a curious mindset to the things that happen to us in our life, that is the only way forward. It comes back to a point earlier that we were talking about. I mean, you raised this point, letting things flow through you, like the only way through is like to feel, or I forget how you phrased it, but the only way to get through something is to just like actually experience it. And so I feel like we're wired to convenience, like we're wired to crave comfort and familiarity. And it's the harder choice to sit with something that's uncomfortable and to get curious about it and to just build that resilience, 'cause we want to gravitate towards like the quick fix. But I completely agree with you with learning to build that resiliency is probably like the best skill that you can have in life because it allows you to keep going when things get tough. And I think one of the most beautiful things about comedy is that like it's a group of people coming together to just laugh about kind of the hilarity of life genuinely through the lens of that comedian, talking about their own experience and whatnot. I've always found if I can find like some sort of joyful spin on a really tough situation, it like de-escalates the tension. Like it doesn't, life is deep, but it doesn't always have to be so deep is what I've found too. And I remind myself of that all the time. - No, me too. Leverity is so important, but you know, then what you consider light and joyful, somebody gets offended by it and you know, then it takes on that aspect of it. But again, it's like, I think sort of to your point, you just have to do what you want. You just have to post the things you like. And the thing I've realized is like, I've always been like obsessed with it. And my issue has always been, I've always been so obsessed with trying to find the meaning of life. Like I've just been very on that journey. Less so lately, once I've realized that there is no meat, like there is no meaning. I don't know, the meaning is just like working every day towards like whatever you're excited about, that's the meaning, you know? There is not like one like deaf textbook definition of like the meaning of life, you know? It's just like what's meaningful to you, you know? - Right, but that's the hardest thing I think, because a lot of people don't even know it's meaningful to them. - Well, that's right. - And that's those are the people who aren't willing to sort of sit in the discomfort and ask themselves those tough questions, which coherent breathing, and yoga can help with, by the way. For example, like with me, like I just did an episode, well, you said your parents are listening to this, I'm not gonna get too to talk. - No, you're free, Ray, and now I'm curious. You can't just drop a lot of that, talk about it. - Well, I was, so I, one of my last episodes of my podcast was how I'm anti-porn. And so that's somebody who's come from like a long history of porn, like it was like really, like I would say I probably had some level of addiction. I don't know exactly what that means, but like for sure. And you could argue that like a lot of guys do or whatever, and there are women who also have issues with it. But like to me that's like like you said, like people are sort of just trying to get a quick fix and trying to distract themselves. - No. - And me was sort of the ultimate distraction. It was the ultimate distraction for like, you know, trying to actually create like a meaningful sustainable relationship. It was a distraction or you know, whatever work. I knew I had to get done that was causing me anxiety or whatever, like there's a lot to it. But I ultimately decided about three years ago. I mean, I had a quick relapse like two years ago, but now I've done two years with none. And what's interesting about it is I don't want to. Like it doesn't, there's nothing appealing to me about it all anymore. And I think that's the other thing. I think like answering those questions of, and I'm not like a very healthy human being. I mean, I try to stay in decent shape. And I like, but I just lice a cake earlier. I'm like, I like literally like 20 minutes before it's podcast episode. But maybe because I was nervous about the talking to you. But I think just sort of more to your point about like, you got to kind of be honest about, you know, what's important to you. And like, and I've taken a lot of time to sort of sift through those issues and try to figure out like why I do what I do. And I think all of that stuff, I think not being afraid to ask yourself the right questions is really important. And that will lead to a more meaningful existence for you, whatever that whatever that is, you know. Yeah. So I don't know. I mean, just trying to figure it all out. I love that. I mean, I really, I resonate with that point of almost being kind of obsessed with trying to figure out the answer to life. Yeah. I think that's also what started the podcast. I mean, it's just part of who I am as a person. And something that keeps coming up for me through the interviews that I do and just what I learned is that the more we actually obsess over needing to be happy, the less happy we are. So sometimes it's like less is more. We don't need to have other answers all at once. And we don't even really need, like there's no perfect equation to happiness. We overcomplicate. I mean, I think this is true about the health and wellness industry at large, but we just overcomplicate what it means to be healthy. You know, I would argue that you're actually quite a healthy person. So what you had a slice of cake earlier, that was helping you in some way. Like there was a reason that you gravitated towards that slice of cake, but you also like practice breath work, you go to yoga, you are doing the emotional like mental work. And that I think like surpasses so much of, you know, you could go to the gym every single day for three hours and like maybe physically be in great shape. But if your mind is not right, how healthy are you actually? And I'm not here like out here being like, eat cake every single day. Like of course, we don't want to spike our blood sugar and all the things. Well, you know, what's interesting is like that, and this just occurs to me, but it occurs to me because of what you just said, you know, you can argue that porn has some benefits. I mean, like, you know, like there is good feelings that are attached with watching porn, right? All that stuff, right? So you can actually argue that there are benefits there. In the same way that there are benefits to someone who goes to the gym three hours a day, but are you going to the gym for the right reasons? Like, are you going to the gym for the same reasons that I was watching a lot of porn? Like is it because you're distracting yourself from trying to find real meaning in your life? So I don't know. I mean, like inherently, like the gym is a good thing, right? You say to someone, I'm going to the gym, they think, cool. Great. That's awesome that you're doing that. We don't know exactly to why or what's really being accomplished or what it's distracting people from in their own lives. We don't know. So yeah, I guess you're right. I will have that second piece of cake once we get off this. But-- Well, it's like a-- it's exactly your point. We, I believe, everything in moderation and the minute that the intention behind what we're doing is either not the best intention, or we just don't have an awareness to what we're actually doing and why we're doing it. That's when it becomes a slippery slope. So you can think about people who even over exercise. That's not healthy. A lot of-- especially with women eating disorders, that comes from very, very low-sulfis team, a sense of perfectionism being hypercritical about oneself. That's a lot of negative self-talk that's invisible happening in your head, right? And, you know, maybe you're opting for a salad over the slice of cake. So objectively, yeah, that's healthier, but if your mind is let's screw it up and it's perpetuating these really negative self-deprecating thoughts, that salad is not holding the same nutritional value that like indulging in the slice of cake, what up for you? But it's interesting with the point you're making too about porn, I've never really thought about this, but I think that when it becomes like an addiction or it's like, it's oscillating on that unhealthy line, it's so easy to lean into the physical stuff is just an escape and to like make yourself kind of feel better about yourself for a split second or like just to escape what's actually on your mind. And I think this is also where like, it can get really difficult with relationships too. And when things are just like purely physical and devoid of any sort of like human to human, like interaction or like consideration for another human, I think this is, you know, maybe another hot take when it comes back to dating, but it's like, should a woman really like have sex immediately on the first date or the first few dates? Like, I think there is something to be said around like, pausing on sexual advancements unless you actually know what you're getting yourself into. - And by the way, there are times where people can meet on a first date, hit it off like crazy, sleep together and then end up in a six month relationship, like for sure, but in most cases, probably not. And you know, as much as I love sex, I put an episode out about how I actually think people should wait to sleep with one another. I just think that there's more been, and look, like sexual compatibility is a huge aspect to a relationship and I can't handle anybody telling me that it's not, I don't believe them. There's just no way, I think women, I think on average, - This is a tricky one. - I think on average, women prioritize sex slightly lower than men do on average. I just think that women value emotional connections so much that sometimes the sex falls by the wayside a little bit, I don't think any man, like we said, men are just sort of a harder time being emotionally aware. I just think that there, but it's so easy for any guy to know how much they love sex. I mean, that's a very easy thing for men to understand. So I think like naturally, like that's just gonna be like probably higher prioritization on average again. Like I know their exceptions and everything. But I think the biggest flaws is I think that men sometimes mistake physical attraction for emotional connection and love. And I think sometimes that women often mistake friendship for more. And I think like, you know, and I think that's sort of also like what we were saying before, like that's sort of sometimes where we don't, where we missle, we miss the mark on each other a little bit. Those general statements, generally speaking, like I would agree with every single one of them from my own lived experience, what I've seen my friends struggle with women and men. Like I've seen it all and I 100% agree with you. I think that like, let's do a part two when I actually figure it out because I'm still very much figuring out the male brain and to know surprise, it takes men longer to figure out their own brains because it just takes men longer to mature. So I think we're all on this lifelong journey of just like figuring each other out. But you know, what really is refreshing also just through our conversation and like getting to know you in and outside of the yoga studio is your openness and vulnerability and willingness to kind of share some of these more like touchy topics. And my perception of comedians is like just kind of poking fun at everything and like not wanting to be serious and sit down and like actually have a lot of conversation about this stuff. So just out of curiosity, like how do you balance like this part of your personality that is very thoughtful and like introspective with also the way that you do comedy and share stories and like create humor in a crowd. Yeah, I think it's the same tools that are being used. But I have a very, very serious side also. And I think it just comes from a place of being sort of always frustrated to some way in some way or the other in life. And a lot of that is self-inflicted. A lot of that is me just sort of desperately trying to figure things out and crack equations. I try to start from a place of honesty. That's sort of the difference between how I've evolved as a comic. I think when I was younger, when I was first starting out, it would kind of just be like, what's funny? What's funny? And now it's more like, what's true and what's real? And then we could work on the funny part of it. Any joke that I've written that I feel very passionate about, and there's always like different degrees of passion. And again, it's like any artist doing anything. It's like there's pieces of work you're much more proud of than others, whatever. But anything that I've generally been proud of that I've done probably started from a place of some sort of pain or at least like real deep confusion, where I just kind of have to figure it out. And a lot of times I figure it out through writing it down or through saying it out loud. So yeah, I don't know. I just, what's nice about having this podcast now is that dating has just sort of been-- I'm very, very, very aware of how important women have been in my life in general and how instrumental they've been in pretty much every phase of my development, starting with my mom. Women are the best. No, women are amazing. But you know, you're tough sometimes too. So it's like in the best way possible. But even situations I've been in that have sort of ended very negatively or whatever, I still really appreciate them. I still truly, I was in a very serious one-year relationship that went way too fast and it ended horrendously. And I was in so much pain. It was the only true, horrible heartbreak I ever had and up to this point. And that'll be more of the future. But I look back at it and I was truly one of the best things I've ever experienced because it just changed me so much. And it got me to look at it differently. And it made me more complete. I often think about it. If you had to use a comparison, we sort of start out in those coloring books. There's just sort of the stencil version of the character, the Disney character, or whatever. And you have to color it in. And every huge life experience that you go through adds a little more color to it. And so I felt like I just needed more color. You know? That's not analogy. It's a good way to also-- it ties back to what you were saying before. But you feel in emotion, but you're not going to feel that way forever. You have this experience, and it's going to shape you. But it's not going to define you forever. And it's just part of the broader picture of what your life is. And I do believe that everything that happens in life is meant for you. And it's all a learning opportunity. Like at the end of the day, things are not that deep. Shoot your shot, be honest, live with that value of honesty, and move forward. I mean, of course, it's easier said than done. But I love that reframe because we often push away the things that we know are hard. Like we mentioned earlier, it's just human nature. It's how we're wired. But how could life be better if we acted differently? If we learn to invite that challenge into our life and be OK with it? Yeah, completely. Yeah, that's totally great. Yeah, some food for thought. And that leads me to a few of my final questions for you, Eric. And as you know, my listeners know, everyday endorphins is all about finding things in life that bring you joy. And so obviously, it is a no-brainer that comedy is definitely an endorphin producer, which is why I was so excited to get to have you come on the show. Two final questions I'd like to land with. The first question-- we kind of touched on this a little bit earlier-- but how do you define happiness? What does that definition mean to you? You know what? I really don't know. I do not know, because happy seems a little bit-- it almost feels like surface level. It doesn't feel-- and I read Mark Manson a lot. I don't know if you read his stuff at all. He's the author of the Settle Letter. I'm not giving a fuck. And everything-- Oh, yes. Yes. I actually need to read that book. Oh, that's one of my favorite books. He's amazing. I think happiness-- I think meaning is what you're really looking for. And I think that whatever-- whatever happiness means, whatever it is to you, I think we'll have a direct link to finding meaning in your life. Because happiness to me is like, you know, happy is an emotion, right? It's a feeling. You're happy one second and then you get a text from someone that pisses you off and now you're upset. So it's like, "So are you not happy anymore? I don't know." But like the day in day out, work that means a lot to you, you know, that's the closest thing. And that work can mean professionally, that work can mean in your friendships, that work can mean in your romantic partnerships. Like there's no real limit to what that work is. But that's probably the closest thing I think you can find to happiness. I know for sure it's not wealth because of how rich I am. Because of how rich I am. But no, no, no. But I know it's not that. I know it's not shopping. I know it's not watching porn. I know it's not fucking a bunch of random people. I know it's not buying nice jewelry or cars. If you can get clear on what you know, it's not, it gets you closer to what it is. Right. So for me right now, it's waking up in the morning, doing coherent breathing. It's writing jokes, editing videos. It's doing stand-up at night, you know, being on stage in front of people and, you know, having good time. And having a small group of very, very close knit friends, if you're in a relationship, having a partner that isn't going to make your life great all the time, that's your job. But like, and who will piss you off? But having someone that ultimately makes your life better and someone that you communicate well with and that you guys help each other get to a higher version of yourselves. Like, all of that I think is meaning, you know? The other shit is just like, temporary happiness is like, you know, like if I buy, if I buy like shoes I've been wanting for a while, like, I'm happy for, you know, but that's not real. It's not real. Right. And that's, you know, it's a bit more shallow and of course it might bring you joy in that moment. But when we really think about happiness, I agree. It's more about like, how do we find that sense of meaning in our lives? There's a lot that you said that I feel like we could unpack separately or otherwise we'd go on for another like two hours. But I really aligned with what you had to say. And this leads me to my final question. Maybe you kind of alluded to it in your last response, but I'd love to hear from you, Eric. What is something that brings you a bit of endorphins every day? Endorphins every day, but I think it's kind of the same things that bring me meaning. Going in my yoga class at Hudson's. Well, I don't know next when I'm teaching next to Hudson Yards, but I'm teaching tomorrow at Flatiron. And oh wait, just kidding. I'm teaching on the 18th at Hudson Yards, October 18th, which is a Saturday afternoon. Oh, you know what? I might, oh, I think I'd be down for that actually. Yeah. Come on over. More in Northens. I'm in the city. Yeah. Amazing. I think Mark Manson said, like maturity is making the things that are good for you, feel good for you, which I thought was pretty good and also kind of speaks to discipline. I personally get endorphins from discipline. I think like not doing things that I feel are bad for me gives me endorphins, gives me go, but like knowing that I have that type of control over my own life. And again, I believe me, I slip. I definitely slip. I think sort of like on a, on a grander scale, I'm very aware of how I want my life to play out on a daily basis. So I try to get as close to that as I possibly can. And that, that brings me those feelings. Oh, yeah, that's a great response. I, someone else I interviewed shared how his endorphins come from discipline. And he is like a fitness trainer, like super physically, mentally, physically all the things disciplined. And I was not surprised to hear him say that. Not that I'm surprised to hear you say that, but I, I think that like discipline doesn't have to just exist in the gym, right? It's like how you train your mind. And I think that's like very profound. And something I'm going to think a little bit more about too after we finish the interview, because there's ways that I'm trying to practice more discipline in my life. And that's the air I'm in right now is like, how do I get really structured on like what my goals are and showing up for myself every day to do those things? And I think when you, when you do that consistently, it, it builds self efficacy. So love that response. Eric, where can my listeners follow you, see you perform all the things, work, think, listen to your podcast, all the stuff. I am on Instagram and TikTok at I'm Eric Newman. I have a podcast called Something Something That's On YouTube. It started two months ago, so we're just slowly building that. And then I'm performing at the Comedy Cellar. I'm doing new material at the Comedy Cellar. I'm there on a pretty nightly basis when I'm in the city, but I'm doing a headlining show on Sunday, October 26th to 5pm. And you can get tickets at ComedyCellar.com. Amazing. I'll link all of that in the show notes. Well, Eric, this was wonderful. So happy that we got to do this. And I'll see you on the yoga mat. Yeah. Holy. And thanks for having me, Salah. Appreciate it. There's a lot of fun.