EP #133: Overcoming Addiction & Post-Traumatic Growth with Jeannine Coulter, Host of the Chasing Heroine Podcast

Welcome back to another episode of Every Day in Dwarfens, a mental health podcast focused on the importance of finding joy and happiness in daily living. I'm your host Stella Stefanoppless, and this week's interview is pretty intense and trigger warning for anyone out there who's listening. We do talk about substance abuse with cocaine and heroin, so be mindful of that as you tune in. But I want to spin this on an inspiring and positive note because the focus of today's episode is around recovery and post-traumatic growth and learning to take really hard difficult situations in life, going through certain traumas, but emerging stronger, and taking away positive lessons, taking away things that will actually enhance your well-being rather than having a good time. So I'm really fortunate to have had the opportunity to speak with Jenny and Colter on the show today. She's a fitness instructor and host of the Chasing Heroine podcast, which is about her struggles with addiction and her recovery journey. In this interview, we talk about her whole story, how she started using, how she stopped using, all of the mindset shifts she needed to make, the behavior changes she needed to adopt, and lessons she's learned during her recovery journey, how we can tap into post-traumatic growth, and how we can learn to not let our past experiences define us. We're really, really thrilled to have Jenny on the show today. Before we dive in, reminder to like, rate, interview this podcast on whichever listing platform you prefer. And of course, just want to share again that this might be an intense episode to listen to, so just be mindful of that, but without further ado, let's dive into it. Hey, Jenny, and thank you so much for coming on to Everyday Endorphins. Thank you so much. It's great to see you again. It's been a year since we were at the Dear Media Convention. Yeah, I know. It's crazy how time flies. The Dear Media Convention. I remember was like the first weekend of May in Austin of 2023, and we're currently recording this in April of 2024. And they're advertising their new one. Yeah, they are. And I saw that and I was like, how has it been a whole year? Like it is insane to think about the passage of time. And so what just happened? Like in the world in my own personal life, just how many things can occur in the course of 365 days blows my mind. To the point where I saw them advertising it, I was like, oh, they must be doing it at a different time of year this year. And then I looked and I said, I was like, oh, no, it's me again. Like I was thinking, oh, I guess they're doing it for like the holidays. Like that's how much I thought a whole year like had not passed, you know, are you going again this year? I am not going to go again this year. I was traveling a lot in March. And so I feel like I need to stay put for the, you know, the spring in New York and then have some summer plans later in the next few months. But I won't be in attendance. Are you going? No, I'm not going to go. No. Well, we did meet at the deer media event, which was great to meet so many interesting people. And, you know, you're self being included. I had, you know, our mutual friend Doug on the podcast a few months back on like had a turn at diversity into your advantage. And I think that you share in a really similar messaging with him actually on turning that sense of a diversity in your life into your advantage, overcoming addiction. And I think these are all things we're going to talk about today because you have a really incredible platform on recovery and talking about your struggles with mental health and your own struggles with addiction and how you've overcome that throughout your life. So I'm really excited to have you here today. And want to start out with just giving you the chance to share with my listeners a little bit more about your personal story. So taking us back from the beginning and like what really was that turning point in your life to become sober. So I grew up in a very like not what you would think would be the stereotypical family that created it, you know, homeless, heralonatic child, right. And I always share that because I feel like there's this picture of someone that probably had some sort of like abuse happening or they were in foster care or, you know, like something happened in the family dynamic that created a homeless heroin addict who's in and out of jail for years. And that's not always the case, you know, it's kind of cliche, but addiction and alcoholism doesn't discriminate, you know, and I have this great family. I did well in school. I got into a really good college. I had all of the ingredients to be a successful adult. And the only thing that went a little bit sideways, I guess you could say is that when I was a senior in high school, my parents did split up, which was shocking and devastating. But, you know, I also always add a lot of people's parents split up and they don't end up shooting heroin. Right. So in there were many years before I ended up using, you know, I think there's a statistic where like 50% of marriages are almost 50% of marriages and in divorce. So it is like a very common experience, but it is also very traumatic as a kid to witness that kind of separation in a family. Are your parents together or they split up? They're together. They're together. Okay. Yeah, it was definitely really traumatic. I think in the best of circumstances, it's still traumatic. And I was older, you know, and so like sometimes you would think it would be easier because you're older, but I think not that it was necessarily hard or but it was really challenging because I knew what it was like to have my parents together on every Christmas and to have them together on every holiday. I grew up with that structure and then I didn't lose until I was 18. So, you know, that was challenging. And I went to, I got into GW, George Washington University in Washington, DC, and I wanted to go to law school and, you know, be a lawyer, get into politics and all this stuff. And I got there and I was just so depressed that I couldn't make it work. I was there for one semester and I was so sad about my family, I couldn't even like see straight. And after a semester I left and I went back to the University of Georgia and again, I couldn't really make that work either. I was just so broken from what had happened. And I leaned into what was sort of my first external, slightly maladaptive coping solution, which was weight and exercise. And I started really getting into all of these like wild, fat diets, just trying to change my exterior appearance as much as I could. Like the external me, I just tried to change completely. I dyed my hair black. I've always had blonde hair, lost a ton of weight, started dressing really differently. And I would go to the gym instead of class. I just made it my whole world. And also I, but I still had those feelings of, you know, sadness. And so again, I couldn't make school work because GW wasn't the issue, you know, the issue was happening inside of me and it followed me to Athens. And so I ended up deciding that instead of staying in school, I wanted to move to LA to become an actress. And when I look back on this decision, it's so funny to me because I really genuinely believed that I was closer to an Oscar than a college diploma, like really. And it wasn't totally out of nowhere. I had done some acting as a kid, but mostly I think I just wanted to not put the work in for college, you know, a hallmark often of addiction is delusions of grand or and this idea that the rules don't apply to us. And college was harder than high school. And I'd done really well in high school without having to work that hard. And I just didn't want to work that hard in college, you know, I didn't want to do it. So I saved up money for a year, you know, quit going to school and got a job bartending. And that was when I was first introduced to cocaine. That was the first substance that I really got into. And I had drank and, you know, smoke weed when I was younger and stuff, but nothing serious did cocaine. And all of my sadness was just gone. I mean, gone. And I remember after the first time I did it, I walked out into the bar from the back where I had been and I remember thinking, oh, I can do this. I could do life like this. I can't do it that other way. Is this how other people feel? I can manage this way, you know, but addiction tends to be progressive. And so I didn't do it a ton more than was normal, probably for somebody else. I mean, it was at least once or twice a week and I put myself in situations where I knew it would be there, but I wasn't buying it. And I still went to LA, you know, I saved up money, drove to LA. And that continued. So when I first got there, I immediately found another connection. And then it got really bad for six months when I was 22, really using a lot. And things were kind of starting to be affected at work. And I stopped for three years. I was able to stop. I told my mom about it and moved out of the house that I was staying in because that's where the person was that I was getting it from and I moved out for three years. Or you know, I stopped using for three years. And I would always look back to that point in time as evidence that I wasn't really an addict because I was able to stop during that time. Now I was drinking and smoking weed every day for those three years, but I wasn't doing cocaine, which I thought was the issue. So stop for three years. And went through a pretty difficult break up and then picked it back up again. And it really escalated, which is something that happens in addiction. And throughout this time too, I'm not doing anything really with acting. I mean, I would get headshots taken and I would try to do things. I did get my sad card. I know I did a couple of commercials, but I just didn't have the work ethic or the discipline that I have now. I think is a direct result, actually, of my addiction. and recovery, you know, it's what that brought to me. I just, I didn't have the same drive yet at that time. So addiction picked up wildly from, you know, 26 to 29. I was in a relationship with someone and he was so angry with me all the time for using. And I really wanted to stay with this guy and I just couldn't quit doing, I couldn't, I couldn't quit doing drugs, you know. And was it cocaine at that point when you were 26 to 29? So you went back to cocaine. Yeah, I mean, it's crazy how you mentioned like taking cocaine for the first time you realized that all your sadness went away. And how, you know, you made this comment around the ability to stop for three years at the time you didn't think you were like an addict because you were able to stop using that maladaptive coping strategy. But even like using that kind of coping strategy to begin with, did that not kind of bring like a signal to your mind like, oh, there's something deeper going on here. I don't know, like, can you elaborate a little bit more on that? Because I think we kind of intuitively know when something's not right and there's just like this ability to want to feel good fast and like to want to silence the internal turmoil that we feel. And there's just like a fear of kind of facing what we can't really articulate or understand. So I was so, so sad about my dad leaving, but it was also, it's interesting that you say it that way because I don't think I've ever looked at it in quite that way. I adore my dad and really, really close to him. He's like my favorite person on earth, but he behaved really badly during this time. And as people do when they're getting divorced, you know, and he initiated everything and also kind of disappeared from our lives. Things got really different from then on right now. It's been 25 years or whatever. Never really restored itself. And I was so sad about that. I was so brokenhearted about my dad being gone and, you know, leaving and everything changing. And I did go to therapy at the time, you know, my mom knew something was going on. I was clearly struggling. So I did know what the issue was, but I will also say that typically with addiction, beyond an issue that you can point to. There is often an element of our personalities as well that feel we just need more. We need more things. We need more Celsius. We need more caffeine. We need more of everything. We need more tension. You know, we just always want more. And there's kind of a piece of our spirit that's a little bit missing. And that is where the journey of recovery often takes us back to. And we find a solution that isn't external or if it is external, it's less costly. It may be smoking cigarettes or whatever. You've seen people outside, I've told set meeting, smoking, vaping, whatever. Like you can come up with some other things that aren't necessarily completely healthy, but that they're not shooting heroin or doing cocaine or whatever. But I think it was, I did know, you know, I knew that I was very, very sad, but I only felt that it was happening relative to that divorce and him leaving. I wasn't yet at that point able to see that well, I always kind of felt like I wasn't enough and I've always felt that I didn't fit in and I've always felt that I wasn't cool enough. And I always wanted to be the cool girl and I was always fighting to be in those groups and there were other things about me that signaled I didn't feel complete, but I did not know that at the time. That's a good question. I absolutely knew I was sad about my dad, but I left it there. I'm curious like through the process of recovery, how you were able to come to those conclusions that you just kind of shared. I mean, we can go back also to the timeline because I want to hear more about what happened when you were in that relationship from 26 to 29. And you were with someone that you really wanted to make it work with, but he just couldn't be with you while you were using. So can you talk a little bit more about that experience and continue along with that, you know, the timeline. And I love that you asked about how in recovery, I got to the point where I could look at the lack that had already been present. That's a really good question. I did that work in what's called a step one timeline later. So I do want to get back to that, but I was in a detox at 31 years old after having been string out on heroin now or 32. That's when I first started to see step back and see the larger picture of the addition patterns that I already had prior to my parents even splitting up. That's when I looked at that when I actually did that work. So the guy that I was with in LA was a good person, you know, we met bartending and I just couldn't stop using. I couldn't stop using in the first year of our relationship. We didn't live together. And so he didn't know that there were one or two nights a week when I was up all night. And the next day I would just say I didn't feel well. He also was a party or two. He was a bartender. Interestingly, I actually think he's sober now. We don't talk, but you know how it is. I look him up on Facebook sometimes. And I've seen in his comments before someone asked him out to have a drink. And he said in the comments, I don't drink anymore, but I'd love to see you. And I thought, how I wonder what that's about? Because he was a heavy drinker also. And we met when we met, we even partyed a little bit together. Like we did Coke together a few times, at least, you know, probably 10. But I would just take it way, way, way too far. And there's a gray area when somebody's asking you to stop the behavior, but they've done it with you. You know, I've been in that situation myself, right? So, you know, there was a constant pressure on me to stop. And he was older. He'd been living in LA for a long time. I was 26. He was like 38. And he was trying to be a writer and things weren't working out for him either. He had his whole own set of issues. But one of the things that I always say about him, something that he said to me that I will like never forget ever. We were fighting. It was like right before we broke up. And it's so interesting that I said all of these things that I'm about to say. But he was upset with me again for doing Coke. And I said, look, man, it's Coke, all right? It's not like I'm shooting heroin. I've never been arrested, not homeless. I have my job. I have my car. I think you're overreacting a little bit here. And he just kind of stopped and said, you know, what's in the end? You're right. None of those things have happened. And you're slick enough and you're smart enough that you could probably go the rest of your life with none of those things happening. But you'll be sick three days out of every week. You're always broke. You're always about to get fired. But worst of all, you'll have to live your life knowing you're not the woman you were supposed to be. But you're right. You could do that. And that stuck with me for years until I finally saw that that was true. Which is one of the reasons why I speak so publicly about having had been a heroin addict. Heroin took partying off the table for me completely and really forced my hand and forced me to choose life. Because for me, that was only an abstinence, not partying, not light partying. I think, right? Maybe eventually my mom is so sweet. She's like, I think you might have grown out of it later. And I'm like, I certainly wasn't. You know what I mean? So, and later at some point, I remembered him saying that because in the moment, and it had to have struck me, I have had people ask me, that's what did I think in the moment that I realized how profound that was. And I didn't. I think it was just annoyed. But obviously it went in because I can see him where we were standing in our house. And part of me actually hopes he's heard. If you interviews of mine before and has heard me say that, know that one good thing came out of all of this, you know, we really tried very hard. But the cocaine used continued to the point where I ended up, my car exploded, all the head gaskets blew up because I wasn't paying to change the oil on the car. It's very hard to live in LA with out of car. But I had at this time managed to get certified, crazy enough to keep spin and yoga. So during this time, because again, you know, cocaine bad is very, very different from heroin bad, right? Cocaine bad is couple of days a week are very chaotic and consequential, but it doesn't necessarily bleed into every single day of your life. It does for some people, but it wasn't for me. And during that time, I also got certified to teach spin and to teach yoga. So I was teaching at that time. And I taught at the Beverly Hills Country Club, which was a job that I loved. And I was living in Venice teaching at the Beverly Hills Country Club. And those two things actually are at that far away, but they're way too far away to take a bus consistently and get at that time. And so I ended up leaving LA, actually, which it was something I didn't want to do. I'd been there for a long time. And actually, I'm not sure if I've ever shared this specific story anywhere, but again, my dad and I are super close. And I had spent all weekend doing coke and drinking and I was just exhausted. I had missed something huge for work. And I was on my way to work. One of the jobs I had was on Abit Kinney and I could just walk there. And I'd been up all night and I walked to the liquor store and I bought a bottle of vodka and a red bull. Went behind the liquor stores nine in the morning or eight thirty in the morning. Went behind the liquor store, poured out half the red bull, filled up the rest with vodka, going to work, trying to bring myself to some sort of equilibrium after all the coke so that I can go to work, stumbling to the boutique I worked at. And I got there. I was there before anybody else and I went into the bathroom. And at that exact moment, my dad called and my dad and I I think have sort of like this larger connection. And I normally wouldn't answer him in that moment because I was so unwell, but I did. And he sounded like concerned. Like he'd been looking for me. And he said, "Needer," which is what he calls me. And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "You're still my daughter." And I feel like you're dying out of no way. I was like opening up the conversation that way. And I said, me too, me too. And I remember sitting on, like the toilet lid was down and I remember just like sitting down and I looked in the mirror and my nose was starting to bleed while I was talking to him and he said, all right, that's it. You leave today, you leave today. If your next phone called to me isn't that your mother's on her way up from San Diego, by now my mom had moved, I'm from Georgia originally. My mother had moved out to San Diego, thank God. She got remarried and he got moved here through work. So she's now close to me, thankfully. It's only a reason I survived the past 20 years, probably. But he said, if your next phone called to me isn't that your mother is on her way up there with a truck to get you, then don't call me back. So I did, I left that day and I didn't want to, everyone thought I should leave. And I'm so grateful that I had someone like that in my life, my dad has had that ability to just like write me in necessary. It happened several more times too. So I leave LA that day and I knew that the cocaine was a problem, but I had zero interest in quitting drinking. Zero, you know, I'm only 29 years old, still single. And the guy that I was with ended up leaving the country. So when I moved to San Diego, yeah, when I moved to San Diego, we would still see each other sometimes. And I'm still a train wreck. And I remember I called him once and he was moving to France. He's like, I gotta get away from you. I'm gonna move to France. And I was like, bro, you don't need to move to France. That's far. And he was like, no, but I do. If I'm two hours away from you, I'm still gonna come see you. We're never gonna stop. I have to move to France. So he did. Yeah, he moved to France. Now he had lived there before. So it wasn't like totally crazy. He lived there for several years before knowing me. Like I said, he was quite a bit older than me. And he had lived there before, but still. So he left the country. And I'm now, you know, single living at my mom's house at 29 years old trying to like put the pieces of my life back together, start teaching again in San Diego. And the Coke did subside a little mostly because I couldn't find anything down here. But again, I was still drinking. And I started seeing a guy who was a former Marine. He'd gone to Afghanistan multiple times. He'd done multiple tours overseas. And you know, had some PTSD, which I didn't know. And I also didn't know that prior to seeing me, he had been an opiate addict. And at some point he told me that. And I remember telling him, oh my gosh, I used to have a bad Coke problem too. I remember us like talking about it, you know. And this is all kind of a long story, but he ends up strung out on heroin while we're together. And we didn't live together. And so he obviously was like getting away with it at some point. And I'm not sure how long he was on it before I knew. But I was out of town. I was actually at my grandfather's funeral in Son Florida. And I couldn't get in touch with him. And he was very, very, very good looking this guy. And I remember thinking, I know what happened. He's probably cheating on me. There's probably some chicken at his house, whatever. And I'm calling him over and over and over. And he's not answering. He's not answering. And I got back into San Diego on Sunday night, drove out to his house, literally like kick down the door thinking I'm gonna see some girl. And he's just laying in his bed. And there are pizza boxes everywhere. And weed, you know, like kids will make a tin foil weed pipe, like dumb stuff like that. Foil, pizza boxes, cigarette smoke in the air. And he's just laying in bed. And I ran in and he said, oh, you're home, you're back. And I said, yeah, I'm back. And I'm a train and touch with you. What are you doing? And he said, I'm really sick. I really, I don't feel good. And I was like, oh, all right. Well, and because I was also a little bit of a train wreck still, I was said, well, it's your fault that I drove out here. 'Cause he lived like 20 minutes away from me. I said, it's your fault that I drove out here because you weren't answering me. So you need to put gas in my car. Get up. And he said, right? So I drove into the gas station and his car got declined for $10 of gas. And then it got declined for $5 of gas. And we drove back to his house and we pulled up into the driveway and just sat there for a second. And I said, look, if you've gotten strung out an oxy again, although I wouldn't even have had that language yet. But I said, if you have started using oxy again, it's okay, you can tell me. I love you and I can help you. And he said, well, I am doing something, but it's not oxy. And I just want to tell you, before I tell you this, that I really do love you and I wanted this to be different with you. I wanted to be different with you. And I'm really sorry, 'cause I know what you're gonna have to do when I tell you this. And I just need you to know that I really love to. I said, okay. And he said, I'm doing heroin, I'm doing heroin. And I just froze like my stomach dropped and I had the same response to it that someone like you would have. Heroin, it's the worst one. Heroin and crack. Those are the scary ones, you know? And I'm thinking like, is he shooting heroin? What is he, you know, I'm just paralyzed with shock. And I kind of come to you and he's gotten out of the car and he's walking into his house. And I remember making such a conscious choice. Everything in my body was saying, run, leave. And then I thought everyone has abandoned this guy. He had this horrible upbringing. He's done all these tours and I rack. He has all these DUIs. He's so messed up. Like I can't, I can't also leave. Like I can't, you know? And I followed him into the house and walked right into his bedroom with him and I said, I'm not gonna leave you. I'm gonna help you. What can I do? How can I help you? And I was Googling, how do you help someone that's detoxing from heroin, which you can't do anything for someone that's detoxing from heroin. But I'm like looking it up and getting him soup and all this stuff. And the next day he went to work and I remember texting him and said, "Hey, how you feeling?" And he said, "Great, way better." Which now I know that means he got heroin the next day. You're not way better for weeks. You're not way better the next day. And also he was trying to quit while I was out of town. That was also the whole part of it. He was trying to stop while I was gone, which is why he was sick. So the rest is kind of a, you know, I don't even know exactly how it happened, but I ended up trying it. A few months go by where he's pretending to quit or maybe he was really trying, but it's very difficult to get off of heroin if you are someone with a job because you have to keep going to work and you need weeps off and you really probably need to go to a facility where you're, quote, locked in. It's a way from where you would normally be 'cause you're gonna get sick and up, you're gonna wanna keep doing it. You need to be removed from your environment with no access. He wasn't in that position. I wasn't even in that position. And I ended up, I think I did it with him one night. I was drinking and I caught him doing it in the bathroom and said something like, "If it's so great, let me try it." Of course he didn't necessarily want to at first, but then I did. And I didn't know that you got sick if you didn't do it. I didn't know that. Like I genuinely had no idea what doapsed it went. Never heard of any of this stuff. And again, the cocaine world and the heroin world are very different places. And I didn't know what I was getting into at all. I was so naive about so much of it. I ended up getting arrested five times. My last arrest is for strong arm robbery. They were gonna send me to prison in California and give me a strike. And I didn't know, there's a whole jail world. There's a conflict world. There's an addict world with its own language and I just had no idea what I was getting into. So I end up getting strung out, meaning if I don't use, I get sick. You have to use like every six hours or so. The window's very, but you get really sick. - I had heard that like when you're going through withdrawal, you get sick because you're off of it. But I guess that's how the addiction happens. It's like if you have to take it every six hours, then unless then you feel sick, of course you're gonna wanna take more. Is that what really breeds the addiction, like that feeling of sickness? - For me, yes. And for many people, yes. So it kinda depends, I think a little bit on your personality and your chemistry. There are definitely people that also seek the height. But I wasn't really one of them in the very beginning. It did give me energy also. Opiates can also give you energy. Like I don't know if you've ever had to take a pain killer after a surgery or something. Opiates also kinda give you a little energy at the beginning. And at the beginning it felt like cocaine, but I could sleep, which I think is what I was drawn to. And for me, the first time I got sick, so I wasn't gonna go out to his house. I was at my house. And the dichotomy in my life was so weird because there was like his whole world. And then my world, I was going to a reformer Pilates class that night at a really nice studio. And I had a class like 530 and I started feeling really sick. Like I was getting the flu when I canceled it. And I called a mutual friend of ours or he called me a friend of my boyfriend's. And he said, what are you doing? So well, I was gonna go out, but I don't feel good. And he said, "Genean, you're dope sick." And I heard the guys talk about that, but I said, no, I'm not. I haven't been doing it enough. I'm not sick. And he said, well, why don't you come over here and smoke with me and see, and at that point I was just smoking. And I was like, okay, so I went over to his house. And I'll never forget I brought my own straw. And he handed me his straw and foil. And I said, oh, I got my own straw. I don't wanna make you sick. And he just looked at me like, and he was so sad for me for what I was about to discover, you know? And I smoked and I felt way better. And I, again, that's a moment I remember where I was standing in his room. And I said, so wait a minute, wait a minute. Did I just accidentally get addicted to heroin? And he said, "Genean, we've been telling you." And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay, so say I wanna quit. What do I do? How long does it take to be sick? And he said, I don't know, like two weeks. There was like two weeks I have to teach tomorrow 'cause I'm still teaching. Spin, bar, parties. And I was like, I have to teach tomorrow. I have to go to work. And he said, all right, you know? And I was like, well, what do I do if I don't wanna get sick? And he said, you can buy more. And I was like, oh my gosh. I guess I just have to buy heroin. and I was like, as shocked as anyone, you know? And I was like, where do you all get it? And he said, I can introduce you to the guy, you know? It's my buddy Brooke. And I was like, oh my, is he dangerous? Is he even going? And my friend was like, no. And Brooke ends up being instrumental in my recovery years later. My first heroin connect is really who got me clean years later. - Wow. - Yeah. - This might be a naive question, but like, how do you reconcile with being on a substance that you know can kill you and using it as a way to prevent sickness? And I'm sure addiction, you can't access that logical part of your brain. So maybe it's like there's no one right answer or maybe the question just doesn't even make sense, but when you're so aware of like, yeah, I could die from heroin. How do you then keep coming back to it? Like, what is that draw? - So overdosing through smoking is not as likely. You can only ingest it. Now, smoking fentanyl can kill you, but this was pre-fentanyl. And so you would pass out before you ingested the amount that could kill you, right? 'Cause you're manually doing it yourself. So say it happened to be really strong and you inhaled a little, you're gonna fall out before you die. I do know a few people that have, oh wait, do I? No, I don't actually. I don't know anyone. I don't know if anyone has overdosed from smoking actual black tar heroin. Typically you're injecting it. Again, you can smoke fentanyl and die. But heroin, it was way less likely. We were doing very small amounts. It didn't feel to me at that time that I was in any danger of overdose. No one in the crew was overdosing. Everybody was only smoking. So for me, that's why. Later when I started injecting heroin, I would be a little nervous about overdosing, but I didn't do a ton. So I was actually kind of aware of it. So it's not really a night question. I did kind of know, but you're always playing with the amounts, right? You never really know what you're gonna get. I also always mixed it with meth later. And so if your heart does start to slow, this is insane. You can kinda like hit your chest and the meth will like rev you up a little. But that was years later that I'm into all that. So the smoking didn't feel like there was any possibility of me overdosing. And like I said, those guys weren't none of them ever overdosed. So that's kind of how it doesn't seem like it's something that could kill you. - Wow. I mean, eventually it sounds like things started to progress and get even worse, you know, mentioning mixing it with meth and injecting and all of that. And so what was that pivotal moment in your life when you realized like I need to make a change? Like I need to get clean. I end up using for years, right? And from first smoking to homeless was about 10 months. And I'd never been homeless before with doing coke. And I spent now then years either being homeless in jail or in rehab for five years. Like when I finally stopped, I didn't have an ID anymore. There was no way to prove I was a person. I remember my poor mom was like, well, maybe I can go with you to social security and I can swear on affidavit that I gave birth to you in Orlando, Florida. And I have my certificate. We can prove you're a person. I remember your social like I was just nowhere on the grid at all. And so there were many times during that time when I desperately wanted to get clean, right? And then I would end up using again anyways in rehab and get kicked out. The last use was I was living in a sober living and a sober living is a home where you typically have like roommates sharing a room and they drug test you. You have to go to meetings. So you are living not necessarily in a facility. You can come and go and get a job and stuff, but it's focused around recovery. And I was in a sober living, but I had relapsed and I was using. And I could pass a urine drug test. I learned how to pass a urine drug test, basically no matter what. So I was living in sober living, passing these drug tests. And on New Year's Eve of 2014, I was out with that first connect I ever had. Broke, now years later. He had ended up getting busted and went to prison for 18 months, got out and was still clean and doing well and was like kind of trying to help me. And so we were out and the owner of this sober living called and this is all like a, this is kind of a long story, but she said, "Juneen, you've left some heroin in the bathroom here and you can't come back." And I said, "You don't know that that was mine. That circumstantial evidence. Eight other women lived there. And I passed a drug test for you this morning, which was true I had." And she said, "You're right, you did. And I don't know how you've been doing that. But the girls are all here and they're all pretty sure it's yours and I'm pretty sure it's yours." By tell you what, if you can bring me a blood test that says that you're clean, I'll support you and you can come back, which nobody had ever asked me before. So I get off the phone, tell him what happened. He got me a room at a motel six, we go to the room and the motel six and before he leaves, I'm like, "Hey, give me your phone. I need to Google what a drug test looks like. I need to get the logo for the local hospital so I can forge this document and bring her this document saying that I'm clean." And as I was saying all this stuff, he was just sitting there like staring at me. And I finally said, "Okay, look, man, don't look at me like that. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to forge this document. She's making me forge this document. I can't kick outside. I have Suboxone. I was going to kick at the house. What am I supposed to do?" And he said, "I mean, you could get clean." And for some reason, in that moment, and this was now years of me attempting to get clean. I just sat down across from him and I remember thinking, "Oh my gosh, I am working so hard." I'm 34, too. I'm working so hard, destroying my life. I'm working so hard to pass these drug tests and get away with destroying myself. And the next day he came back to get me because I still had a little bit of heroin left. And I'd called another drug dealer of mine and said, "I don't know what I'm gonna do. I got kicked out of myself, reliving." And he said, "I have a place that you can stay. You can stay in the dog house and my backyard." And I said, "Really?" Okay. And he was like, "Yeah, totally." And I was like, "Okay, cool. Thank you. I'll be right there." So my friend drove me to the backyard of this house in San Diego and the guy let his dog sleep inside and let me sleep outside. And it was actually like a little shed that had a dog bed on the ground that the dog would like go in and out of that night. So I stayed in this little shed and he padlocked me in at night from the outside. He locked me in at night. And I stayed there for three nights. It was freezing cold, you know, January, doing heroin, smoking meth. And the second to last night that I was there, I have another marine friend who did multiple tours in Afghanistan and he would always try to help me when he was back to. He called me and I answered. And he said, "Hey, I'm back from Afghanistan. I'm stationed at 29 palms. What are you doing?" And I said, "I am living in a doghouse in Oceanside and I think I'm gonna die." I think I'm gonna die. And he said, "All right, that's it. If I come get you, will you come with me?" And I said, "Yeah, I'll come with you." And so the next day he drove two hours from his base. I walked to a burger king and met him. And he picked me up and brought me back to his house. And I kicked heroin for the last time. That was January of 2015. So now it's been nine years and I didn't ever use, again, after that. And I wasn't in a detox. I wasn't in a program. I wasn't in jail. I was just at my buddy's house on the couch. None of that should work. But I had learned so much recovery along the way, which is something else too, that I share with people that are in recovery as well are family members of addicts. There's a lot of relapsing usually in the beginning. And so I like to tell people, if you know an addict, who has going in and out, in and out, you're so frustrated because they just keep using. Just please know that they're learning every time. When I was on that couch at his house, I already knew my sponsor. She'd already been my sponsor. I knew where all the meetings were that I could walk to. I knew who to call. I was actually seeing somebody that was in recovery. I'd been dating a guy for a few months who was really serious about his recovery. He was in drug court. I was calling him like I had recovery connections and sources of information that I was able to draw on in that last moment. So I came back to a sober living, my friend, the guy, the drug dealer that helped me later. It got me into a sober living. And this is one of the craziest parts. I had done one thing before I went into that dog house. I'd gotten on Craigslist like the last week. And I saw a studio in Sanitas, which is like near here, hiring a spin in bar teacher. And I'm strung out on heroin. There's no way I'm gonna make it. But I would sometimes send my resume out anyways. I think it made me feel better 'cause I would almost always get a call. I had taught at very high-end studios in LA, the Beverly Hills Country Club, high-end studios, in San Diego, people would call me. And I sent out this resume and the girl got back to me. And we scheduled a time for me to audition and I didn't make it, obviously. Like I have a bicycle and it's far away. And I actually did texture, which I normally wouldn't do. Normally I would just blow it off. But I texted her and said this crazy lie and said I couldn't make it. She said, okay. So I get back from the dog house and my friend's house. And I've got two weeks and the sober living manager said you gotta get a job. I said, all right, I wonder if that woman would see me again. That I reached out to. I reached out to her again. And she said, sure, of course. And I went and I auditioned and I got a job on a Saturday teaching a half-spin, half-bar class. And my schedule grew to 16 classes a week. And I bought that studio. four years later. That's my studio that I owned. So I showed up there on a bus. I taught my first class with 19 days off of heroin, got sick on the transition from Spin to Bar and then bought it in 2019 and owned it with my husband and then COVID happened. But that progression is something I'm so proud of and that woman ended up being in my wedding and she and I worked together now. She actually is the owner where I'm the GM again. We've worked together for a decade. Yeah. An insane story and thank you for being so open and honest and vulnerable and I know that you are on your platform as well and helping so many people who have gone through maybe similar parts of your own journey or you know seek help and guidance from you and I think it's just really brave and courageous that you've been able to heal yourself and to go through recovery and to commit to living a better life, a fulfilling life, to have the desire to fully live. And I think being on those kinds of substances, what I can speculate is like there's this deep desire to numb out on what life can provide and it's so inspiring to me to see you fully embrace all the beauty of like what life can give you and to be able to share that with other people who are struggling as well. And I don't know a lot about addiction and this is actually one of the first interviews that I've done that's on addiction. So I'm personally really fascinated by hearing your story. And you know, I want to ask when you look back now at this really tumultuous road that you've been on, what are some lessons that you've learned through that hardship that have made you become the person that you are today. You know, I think it's very easy to look back on our lives, things that we're not proud of and be so regretful and shameful of these experiences. But when we allow that to define who we are, that's when like we can't fully let ourselves free. So how do you take the trauma and like the pain from everything that you've experienced and maybe some of the shame that's gone along with that and transformed it into like what you use from what I see as like something that supercharges you and actually has turned you into a really strong person who has stayed sober for so long. So I was so embarrassed about everything that had happened. Again, I think especially because I had taught at these nice places in San Diego, like there was a rehab that I went to, we'd go to a beach meeting and we're outside around a fire, people are vaping, everybody's got a ton of tattoos, like it's clearly a narcotics anonymous meeting or an AA meeting. There are people like walking on the boardwalk and if somebody took a cake, you sing and I would just dive behind the other girls like, oh my gosh, I don't want anyone to see me, they would tag me sometimes that a meeting was not supposed to do but they would tag my Facebook, I'd be like, don't you dare tag me as in recovery. I was like, I was so ashamed and so embarrassed and now I feel completely different. Like you said, everything good about me came from that addiction and my recovery everything good about me came from that period of time and the way that I started to see that, the first thing that really happened that was different was at about 90 days, I was turning 35 and I was staying on a couch in a sober living, no bank account, definitely no car, hadn't had a car in years and you know, I did well in school, I went to a good college, I was gonna be a lawyer and I had, you know, I'd get on Facebook and see my friends buying houses and having kids and getting married and I really wanted to get married, I never wanted kids but I really wanted to get married and I would see them doing all of these things and I had just lost everything and I was so, I was so depressed and just grief-stricken over my own life, no and so I was humiliated and I'm turning 35 and I remember I went outside to do a meditation, a client of mine worked for the show for a center and so she'd given me the password to a bunch of there, he was doing meditations with Oprah and they did a series about gratitude, you've probably seen these, the 21-day meditations and so I was doing the 21-day meditation, the one about gratitude and I went outside onto my sober living deck and the sober living that I was in was in not a nice area, I recovered in a pretty difficult way, I never had insurance, I never had anybody pay for anything so I went to state programs, jail, you know, like the county funded places, my husband went to like the busiest rehabs on earth, like promises and malibu and stuff like that and that was not my situation, so I'm in this pretty broken down, run down, sober living, I felt and I'm doing this meditation about gratitude and I finished the meditation and sat there and opened my eyes and I was like overcome with gratitude that I wasn't dope sick meaning I didn't have to go get money and the struggle to get $20 every single day so that you can just breathe is an awful cycle to live in and I was so overwhelmed that I wasn't sick, I didn't need any money, I didn't have to get well and then I saw there was this really beautiful view off of my deck at my sober living and I was like overcome by how nice this view was and I thought well that didn't just get there while I was meditating, that has always been there that I have never seen it before right now followed by I think I can see that because I'm grateful that I'm not dope sick, right? That cracked my heart open that gratitude and it kind of occurred to me that my heroin addition left me more grateful for something that had always been there and that was the beginning of what I later learned is post-traumatic growth so obviously everybody knows about PTSD and I always say like when people go off to fight in a war or something they're told are you're gonna come back one of two ways status quo or damage we want status quo we're gonna prepare you to come back the same but there's a third way back from trauma which is that you can actually come back better than you were for a variety of reasons that really make a lot of sense right? Typically you feel physically stronger after you've gone through something and I certainly did you know after being so beat up for so long you feel physically stronger you typically feel more emotionally resilient as a person right you've got some grit now you have more gratitude for your relationships in your life because you almost lost them all and they almost lost you everybody was mad at you and you know usually treat people a little better and then often there's also some sort of spiritual connection that you develop in some manner like that what I was seeing in that moment out and are like my husband serves and his connection with the ocean is really important to him and so you start to see your role as like you know a cog in this bigger wheel and so all of those things can lead to having a higher quality of life day-to-day and that was me starting to feel the beginning stages of post traumatic growth now only at 90 days and I didn't read the book about from post traumatic growth like four years but a bunch of little things like that started to happen I was so much better at my job because I was always a good instructor but I was good kind of naturally right like I didn't have to work that hard so I didn't work that hard you know I was sorry yeah imagine how much better you can be when you are sober right and you can give your full effort and I cared enough right like you know what I mean like I cared so much I was so happy to be there I didn't think I would ever get again and I was just so happy to be there I gave it everything I had and that's why I ended up owning the studio you know and so all of those things even little things like I had to take the bus everywhere which forced me to be on time I was never on time for anything but taking the bus forces you to be on time you have to catch that bus and it gets you to place it really early usually so you have to get one that's gonna get there early not right at right because if to walk there and just slowly over time I've realized that so much of what happened in my addiction and in my recovery made me all of the things that I am now it also gave me the ability to speak to other people right about this and you know help other in particular women you know that feel like such losers you know I don't want anybody to feel like a loser after addiction I just I don't and I get to give back in that way well that's such a gratifying thing and you know what we talked about earlier like those self-esteem issues like I really think it goes to show how important how critical it is to constantly build up your self-esteem because when your self-esteem it isn't is at an all-time low it makes these habits so much easier to slip into and I really love what you said about post-traumatic growth I've never heard that before that is something that I want anyone out there listening to to like really take away from this because it is a testament to not letting the bad things in life define you it is a testament to letting really traumatic things that happen actually be a catalyst for bettering your life but you get the choice like you get the choice to make your life better and it's just really inspiring to get to hear how you've done that and it's fascinating that gratitude is what was like that gateway drug in a way it was the great gateway drug of gratitude that like opened your mind to what was already there in life but to cultivate a different sort of appreciation a different sort of awareness a different sort of love and curiosity and I think that really segues well into the mission of my show even like everyday in Dorfins it's about finding those things in life that bring you joy It's about cultivating those moments of happiness. And I think it really stems from like, in inner sense, an inner feeling of love. Like, how can you lead your life with love? How can you fill your cup up with love? How can you radiate that from within? And so, I would love to hear from you, Janine, as we wrap up today. Two final questions. The first being throughout the course of your life and everything that you've been through and where you're at now. How has your perspective on happiness and joy shifted? And then the final question that I'll leave you with is something that I ask everyone that comes onto the podcast. And that question is, what is something that brings you a bit of endorphins every day? So, my perspective on happiness has changed a ton. All I wanted was to make a lot of money and be famous. And also, what you just said about gratitude being the gateway, that's also what allowed me to let go of the shame from the idea that I had lost a career and I'd lost all these things. These are really honest. The girl that was in high school, that was crushing SATs and AP classes, wasn't as nearly as grateful. I had so many good things in my life that I couldn't see. All I could see was what I didn't have my lack. I wasn't as pretty as other people. I wasn't as popular. My dad didn't make as much money. All the things we didn't have. I was really mired in that place of lack, right? And so, the post-traumatic growth is also what allowed me to stop feeling like I had lost so much, right? And so, I like that you brought that up. But all I was focused on, my whole life, is the money and the fame. That's the only reason why I wanted to be an actress. I didn't enjoy the craft of acting. I've got a buddy that still acts for free at 45. He'll do like a student play. He loves acting. And I just wanted to be rich and I wanted to be famous. And my sense of happiness now has been forced to come from something internal. And for me, it comes down to stopping for a moment and just getting super aware of how good everything is right now. Like, right now, man, you know, I'm sitting here with you. I built my new podcast studio. I have a little pug. I always wanted a pug. I teach spin full-time. You know, I'm doing the-- And like, being able to recognize what I have instead of focused on what I don't have, has changed the game for me. And it doesn't have to be some crazy amount of money. Or obviously, I want more money, you know? But like, you know what I mean? It has completely, completely changed from an external source to an internal source, right? Like, I can just get present in the moment. It's radically changed what I would believe to be happiness and joy. And for endorphins every day. So I've got kind of a goofy answer. But my one answer would be pre-workout. Pre-workout. We can give you some endorphins, man. Like, you got somebody that's really struggling to get off the couch and start working. Get yourself some weak pre-workout. We get the weakest stuff on the market. Don't drink what I drink. But like, you know, it's got something against your blood pump. And so pre-workout really helps. But then also, working out daily for me is probably the main way that I get endorphins. And connecting with my husband too. I got a great husband. He's really funny. He's really cute with my dog. And seeing him with our dog is very cute. That's beautiful. I love that. I love that. I mean, so to your answers on endorphins, it's like, these are the common responses I get. It's about relationships. And also exercise. Like, getting in movement. It is incredible to see, at least for myself, how my mood can shift when I get in a morning workout versus when I don't. And how that impacts the rest of my day. And I always feel so much better when I get in a morning workout or just having some sort of mindful movement. So it's brilliant to see how something so simple and being disciplined about it can actually shift your mood entirely. And then relationships, just like cultivating strong, healthy relationships brings so much joy. So I love your responses. And also your perspective on happiness coming from within is so profound. And it is heartbreaking to see especially a lot of young women think that they're going to get joy from like so many things outside of them. Even men too, I mean, it's everyone. Focusing on scarcity, on lack versus abundance, and what you do have is I think one of the biggest challenges. But when you learn to master the art of like really, really cultivating deep gratitude for what you have and not caring about what other people think and like really feeling self-assured, that is like the biggest superpower in life, I think. So really, really loved your responses, Janine. Where can my listeners connect with you and tune into your podcast and fall along with your content? So chasing heroin across all platforms, but heroin with an E, not like chasing the drug. And the reason for that is I feel like my chasing heroin ended up leading me to all the things that we just spoke about, leading me to find my inner heroin. Like the best version of me came out of that chase. So chasing heroin with an E on all platforms, although on TikTok, it's so annoying if you type in chasing heroin, even with an E, it says it's a community guideline violation and it won't let you search. But if you search chasing hero, it takes you to my page. So chasing hero, if you want to find me on TikTok, and then Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, all that stuff. And the podcast is also called chasing heroin on all platforms. Well, I will make sure to link all of that in the show notes. And what a beautiful message to land on chasing the drug actually led you to chase this hero within yourself. And for anyone who's out there, what's listening and is going through something really difficult or struggling, please connect with Janine because you know, you're incredible and just how you've been able to elevate your life, I think is really admirable. And we all have this potential within us to reach more greatness. And I think it's just so important to have more conversations, especially about addiction because it is a disease. Like that is not you, it is a disease. So for anyone who's out there that's struggling, please, please seek out resources that can lead you to one next step of help, because it is just so inspiring for me to hear you share your story and to have this like zest for life. It's just beautiful. So thank you again. It's been such a pleasure having you as a guest. Thank you so much. Thanks for tuning into this episode of Everyday Indoor Funds. If you liked what you heard and you want to continue to follow along, make sure to like, rate, review and subscribe to this podcast on which ever listening platform you prefer. You can also stay connected with the Everyday Indoor Funds community on Instagram, TikTok and drop your email in our newsletter. I have a substack called Everyday Indoor Funds where every month I share episode recaps, any events that I've done in New York City and a stream of consciousness around a particular topic of happiness or health or well-being that is peaking my interest at that moment in time. So definitely follow along on substack too for some more unfiltered thoughts. Thanks again for tuning in and reminder to keep spreading endorphins and finding the things in life that bring you joy. Until next time.