Ep 12: Maka Mohi – Finding Your Way Back Home

This program was first broadcast on Canterbury's Access Media Station, Plains FM, and was made with the assistance of New Zealand on Air. Welcome to the Christchurch invitation from Mahir Te Aroha. Thank you for joining us for another conversation about identity and belonging. My name is Tony Green and I'll be your host. Welcome. My guest today is Marka Mohi, but there's far more to his name than that. So in a minute I'm going to ask him to introduce himself as he would because he grew up speaking Te Aroh Mali, but before we get into that, these podcasts, Colorado, these conversations, they're all about belonging. They're all about identity of knowing who you are and we don't come into the world and know who we are straight away as our whole big journey. And so it's about journeys, it's about finding out who you are, sometimes the hard way, the tough way. And Marka has kind of prompted me before we came here to the studio, so they would just throw the stuff at me, throw the stuff at me, so we'll see how we go with that. Marka, perhaps you could introduce yourself as you would in today, and then say a little bit about the starting point where you came from up in the Bay of Plenty, so to you. Namahit Reni, probably just to be here with you. (speaking in foreign language) That was just a little bit of an explanation of how my moana is Te Pariotera Wahirua, my hour that I come from, not my hour, the hour that I am from. And it's also the area and my marae that raised me was Tawakemui Tahanga and the Fano that I stand from on my Koroa side is Muhi and my name is Makarini Fakirihi Muhi. Yeah, it's a little bit about, yeah. And your name, can you explain your name, Makarini Fakirihi Muhi, it's a funny one. And why it went in that order as well, yes, yes. So Makarini Fakirihi Muhi is a name that was given to me from my papa, my father, Tamina Tezma Muhi and the story is, it's the lineage of the name actually comes from Fakirihi Mukarini Muhi from my hour's side, Nathirangi Wahiruhi ways, and everyone I was born in, my son will be named Fakirihi Mukarini Muhi and my mother who is of Scottish descent, you know, Fakirihi, because he calls me Makar now, so if it was Fakirihi Mukarini Muhi, what have been abbreviated to a different, the abbreviation would have been different, don't you say, yeah. But a little bit on it, I was always told from my father that it is in a name, it's a title to uphold it as it is. On my journey, there's probably times where I could have held it a bit higher, but no, the funny part of it, there's a lot to my name, but the one that I'll share right now is about the Fakirihi, and Fakirihi is a bit of a show off, a bit of a skirt, and so be careful what you name, ok, of you, but that's in names, I'm losing the name as well, no I won't go there, I'll leave that one for the moment, you said, just a month ago, you said, my Marai that raised me, the Marai is, I suppose it translates as a village, I suppose, although translations are strange things, because something gets lost and we can come to that, hopefully, but you said, my Marai that raised me, how conscious were you at the time when you were growing up, if you could look back and see these things through the eyes of a kid, what was that sense of, because I get the sense of a big wrap around it, yes, yes, yeah, I was raised by the people of my Marai from my Fano, I was privileged enough that I grew up in an area where my two puni have been for several generations, and it was a privilege, I grew up in a lifestyle that, how can I put it, I grew up in a lifestyle that when I left Pugana, I was, I was blown away, to see, yeah, I realised how privileged I was to grow up with all my immediate Fano around me, I grew up knowing where all the fresh water was in the area, I grew up knowing where the fishing spots were, I grew up knowing where to go hunting, when to go hunting, I knew the uncles to go and see, because they'd been hunting and they can't get a client off of me, I knew that aunties, it was, yeah, I grew up in a place where I am Pugana, Pugana is me, yeah, yeah. There was no doubt of his presently song, he said something like, "You don't know what you've got until you lose it", right, so you said I was privileged, was that, did you, did you know he'd at the time, or you just assumed that that's how I'd get 100%, 100%. So, yeah, there's a lot to it, but I remember, like now that I am hindsight, and I look back, there was a time of disconnect from my, from my too long away, away from where my feet stood and connected me with the energy that I was raised within, yeah, there was definitely not during that disconnect, I was not aware at all, it wasn't until I grew, as I started learning the lessons that I realised, yeah, that all did come from a privileged place, yeah. How long did that take, and what did you have to go through some bad stuff to get to that point? Yeah, yeah, the first, I think I'm still on the journey, most definitely, but now I know so I can remedy that I suppose, but my first instance was when I left Australia, yeah, I went, I left Australia to, yeah, I got, I got kicked out of high school, oh man, yeah, I got kicked out of high school, my father, my uncle, my father's brother was over there, my oldest brother was over there, and so I took the leap over the ditch, yeah, and my, had my hair over there, played rugby league over there, and I was a bit of a, I realised that the way that I was raised in such an active lifestyle and my father always had me training when I was younger, I was just naturally athletic, it's just naturally athletic, so I was playing league, working over there and making money, and all of this, and the big city of Brisbane, and I was just this little country boy, trying to fit in, I think, and all of that sort of stuff, and it's a big energy over there, and there was a lot of the, I was just, it was a crazy time, I don't know, it was a crazy, it was crazy, it was crazy. Billy Connolly, the Scottish comedian, he's doing a guy in Australia, and he's in Queensland and he said, this isn't America, this is Alabama, you know, but it's, beginning, let me just take you back though, using the kicked out of high school, why? Yeah, I should, I could confirm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, come for it, come for it, I'm about it, I'm about it, yeah, you want to know, ask me, I'm, I'm, struck a teacher, yeah, so I was, I was in my last year, seventh form, and I was in my last year, I was, I was always like, smart enough to get away, you know, like I don't know, I was a, you know, I was this little country boy trying to fit in into a town high school, and all of those things, that, um, at school, uh, tip cookie high school, tip cookie high school, great high school, great high school, and, um, yeah, anyway, um, I was in my last year and I thought, man, I'm going to do this, I'm going to finish high school, and, um, it just happened that, um, one of our uncles had passed away, and I hadn't seen my sister in a while, um, on the head, I hadn't seen her in a while, and our uncle was, our uncle Crowe who, um, anyone listening to this, that knows of us, those who are uncle Crowe's, and, um, had passed away, and his tongue was coming up, and I hadn't said this is before we had cell phones and all that sort of, well, there's cell phones but we didn't have them, and I just seen my sister in passing, and I was after, uh, interval, and I stopped and talked to her, you know, to, to let her know, and a teacher, um, grabbed her by the shoulder, um, and yeah, and that's, that was that. Yeah. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, and then, yeah, and then, um, yeah, I got kicked out of high school. That was like, I was on my last ropes, though. I was, um, I'd been suspended a few times at a high school for, um, unless a behaviour. There's a tiny, a couple of things here. There's a tiny, a little comment you made, you, you said there were cell phones, but we didn't have them. And it seems to me that a lot of some way I grew up with a, we never had any money, you know, you grow up in that sort of world, but the stuff's around. I had to go down the road that I grew up with, and he just had a smart bike, and he had, uh, he had all kinds of stuff. Yeah, we, it was all, it was all around, um, and I think I even, like, may have, um, I think I might have even had like, no, we definitely had home phones, I think. I even, even remember when sufferings come out, I didn't even see the use of them really, because I was just, you know, you went and walked over to, I still lived that sort of a lifestyle. Um, no, but sufferings have been definitely not part of, uh, the norm and, in my generation, because you said you went to to Boogie High School, that's about 23 Ks away from Boogie High School. Um, when you were a young kid, how far did you travel? I get the feeling that you were traveling pretty easily in the sense of, this is the place of the water, this is the place with a fish, um, you see, you talked to when you opened up and you talked about your, your moana, moana is the sea, because Boogie Hunters down there's the beach is the sea. So you, you've, you've got in one sense, a really expensive place, but was it like the town, because to Boogie's only about 10 and a half K, 1000 people now, what it was then, uh, but, but was that a slightly distant thing. Yeah, another country was 100% 100% I was like, when I used the thing about Te Puke, it used to freak me out. Like, I remember like going to Te Puke, and I was like, man, this is the big smoke. Yeah, I was like, it was like, it was, um, I used to get overstimulated. Like I was just like far out. This is crazy. And I, and I remember, I can distinctly, so like, Puke, you know, yeah, like you can just walk everywhere, you know, either quad bikes or whatever. Um, but I remember going to Puke, and it was like, I was like in a vent. It was an event growing up for me. I was like, wow. And then I remember like going to total and I was like, wow, this is crazy. This is too much like seeing like roundabouts and like, um, like just like, I distinctly remember roundabouts, like just thinking, this is mind blowing, you know, like, what is this, you know, like, yeah. So like Puke, you know, everyone, but like, that's the middle of nowhere. I used to always believe it was just the center of everybody. It's paralyzed. Yeah, it was paralyzed. But, um, yeah, it was a little pocket of ignorance. But there's also stuff there that in that that you said about the uncle, who knew this fishing spot and the person who knew that one. And when you went, when you, you take the city person from the middle of a big city and put them down there, they'd be stuck to be possibly useless. No, not the impotent, unable to look after themselves, unable to feed themselves. So there's knowledge and there's knowledge. Yes. Yeah. And it was, it was like, and it's a knowledge that I wish I had because because I growing up, I always, um, I knew that there was this other world out there. And because my mom was parking like in like a look so flash when I go and see my pop in my nan and that and I'd always be like, wow, this is amazing. And then, um, and then I lived in this Māori world where it was like the narrative like was like it wasn't as amazing. So like, I sort of like kepts. I think that's when I started beginning to like look, look elsewhere for the amazing. And that's part of this, um, as we were just speaking before, now I'm like looking back and going, wow, I lived amazing. I was raised amazing, you know? So it was, um, yeah, it was those uncles, Michael, Mickey, Michael Fish, um, my cousin, Sean and all that. Man, you, you, they could almost be blindfolded and go and feed the whole mother, you know, blindfolded, you know, those, um, yeah, just, just amazing people with amazing knowledge. And it was knowledge passed down, you know, like it was knowledge passed down in it. Yeah, it's, I, I'll return it to you because I've read this to you before. Yes. This is something completely different sources, right? But it just seems to me like some of these things about the way the conversations are going on now politically, if you'd like. We're just talking past each other. This comes from a book, um, it comes from a kind of a Sufi Islamic perspective, but he says in the introduction, he says, if by some strange device, a man of our century could step backwards in time and mix with the people of a distant age, he'd have good cause to doubt either their sanity or his own mountains, forests and the blue sky would look familiar enough, but they would not be seen by the people around him in a way he saw them. Their physical features might be the same, but their meaning would be different. He'd know what common sense is and what constitutes human normality. So were the people amongst him, he found himself, but their common sense would differ from his and their normality might seem to him as normal. Questioning everything they took for granted and amazed that they should be so unquestioning, he would find that all he took for granted was brought into question. He's why he would be met with their why and he wouldn't know the answer. It just seems to me a little bit like that, that you, that you've, without getting heavy into symbolism, the people that you grew up with just looked at things differently. Yes. So if somebody, then you go across to Brisbane, and if somebody from Central Brisbane were taking a drop down in Pukehina, how would they feel? They would feel loved, they would, they would, they would, they would, they would have been as shocked as I was when I was in Brisbane, you know, just, just the, just the actual difference of, I still, like, for example, I'll wave and say hello to every single person in Pukehina, regardless of knowing who they were, they're a visit or not, and that's how I was raised. And then to go to Brisbane and still think that that's the normal thing to do, and it's not, you know, that it's, yeah, it's like, I don't know, it makes me, I'm feeling like it makes me a little bit sad like it's, you know, there's something there, you know, there's something there, yeah. Many people have talked about this, as you're saying this, I'm simply taking back to a movie way back in the 60s, 70s, called Midnight Cowboy, where this guy comes from Texas, up to the New York City, and he's walking along, he's small town Texas, he's walking along, and there's somebody sort of sprawled out over on the sidewalk, and people are just stepping over him or walking past, and he's just, you know, you know, I'm going to do this, but yeah, yeah, and as it's that, I'm, like, I remember being in the car with my father, or walking with my father, and he just waved to everyone, you know, and like, we would have so many, because Pukehina is so beautiful. We'd have so many tourists come to Pukehina, and my dad would meet them one way or another, you'd end up meeting my father, and he'd invite you up home, and you'd end up, you know, staying up there or something like that, you know, just invite you up, and all of that sort of stuff, and it was, I don't know what it just felt like that's just what you've done, you know, that there was just part of it, and I'm, because of his, because of love, you know, my, my father was a, when I was younger, I remember I was a big Y, I was like, why is this, why is that, and all of this sort of stuff, and I think we're talking about, I think I just heard about religion for the first time, or something like that, and I was like, asking my dad, like, why is this, and why is that, and he looks at me, and because we, he's a, he's a, he's a, he knows here, my dad's amazing, and I still, how I remember it, I see him standing there, because we live up on a, however looking ocean, and I don't know if he's just ignoring me, but he goes, son, I don't know, you know, I really don't know son, but all I know is that if you take the next step in love, then it's the right step. That was what I grew up on, and then you go to, you go to Brisbane, and myself included, like the, I think, as children were so beautiful, right, and then as I grew, you know, I realized how special that same my father gave me, you know, to take that, yeah, to take that step in love, you know, and I can't, I mean, we agree with that, oh, that's right, the person on the ground, the person on the ground, you know, and people step over them, and all this little stuff, it's like, yeah, I ring, I ring my dad a lot because that sort of stuff, because now I'm remembering where, how special my cooking is, and how I was raised, how amazing it is, and I'm having to become very vulnerable within who I am as a person, and my behaviour is when I wasn't taking those steps in love. Yeah, and it's, it's just like when you said about the name, and you said a big name, but I could have carried it up higher. Yeah, exactly, exactly, it's, it's, yeah, I, yeah, yeah, a lot of, yeah, to, yeah. To where's this, in, how old were you when you went to Brisbane? I was 17, 17. That's pretty young. I was 17 thinking that I was 24, you know. Yeah, it was, yes, I'll go over there, blong blong, and I just partied, just partied, and tried to, I don't know, what I was up to, I was just trying to be cool, you know, like drugs, alcohol, and sex, you know. I don't know if I can say that on there, but yeah, yeah, it was just, like, I was trying to chase, I don't know, what I was trying to do. Something. Yeah, yeah, it was, I think as if I'm to really think about it right now in this interview we said in Tony, it was the absence of knowing who I, where I'd come from, and turning my back on it, left the void, and I was trying to fool that void with this other lifestyle that I, that I thrust amongst, so it was like, that's the best way I can describe it now. I've probably described it in different ways at different times of my life, but right now that's how I feel, that, that, that time in my life was. And is that part of, like, that, who I'd come from is who I was, but I didn't realise who I was. Is that it? Is that a part of it? 100%, yeah, it's, yeah, because it's, I was just living a blessed life, I lived, I was raised in a, you know, like, thinking me wrong, it was hard times and all that sort of stuff, but, you know, to just be surrounded by love and fun though. And, you know, and, and again, as I say that to you, I'll turn you like, is there anything, you know, what else, you know? Yeah, yeah, and I, and I went out, you know, just kept searching for everything else, really? Yeah. What did you, you said that you were always, well, all the stuff that you're doing really was physical activity. I mean, in a different way, just to send you our derns, bloke, there was a thing on clock. There was something on the radio about TV, and in the days when they had people, of course, sending messaging in and saying, well, actually, we never had a TV. No, they hired TV for rid of fusion, but somebody said, well, we did in the winter. So why winter? They said, well, because in the summer, we just outside all the time, you know, so it's just just for that. So that, that kind of life is completely different, but the physical life you, you said, I think you played league straight, had you played it before that? No, I'd never played. I always played rugby. Always been good. I went to Aussie and all my fund over there, played league and got amongst them. Yeah, it was just naturally good. And then there was one of the moments, you know, yeah, I made a lot of mistakes. One of my biggest mistakes was that I had a trial for South Logan Magpies, which is just under NRL, the Queensland Cup at the time. And I knew I had the trial, and I ended up going out. It was a Kings of Leon concert. And I got into this Kings of Leon concert and just got wasted, yeah, taking heaps of drugs. I remember being on the train, going to the, like left the after party on the train, going to my trial. And I had to like, and I had to like take more drugs to stay awake, you know, and I turned up to this game and I didn't have any boots. And then I had to ask, I felt like Ashley, I was like, Ashley, you got any boots? You broke. And I was a shocker. I was a shocker. Yeah, it was, it was, it was, it was a moment that I now use to share my knowledge with younger generations to never make the mistake. Yeah, I was usually laugh about it. And I think once I made that decision, I felt like I just had to keep being that guy. Like I was like, oh, well, now I'm not a leaky. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a drug. I'm a party. I'm a, and I just got into this, and instead of stopping and holding up on you, you know, and now I'm not with it around with my final, you know, I'm distancing myself from my family and that because, well, you know, maybe that's something I need to look into. Yeah, you know, but yeah, and I just went into this perpetual state of abuse, drug abuse and self abuse, really. Like, yeah, just. That's that, you know, earlier on, I mentioned a lady in Singapore, who I'd sort of interviewed. And some other people I spoke to sort of now elders, so they talked about growing up in the cup on the village, you know. And one of them, she said that her father used to say that when you walk out of that door, it's not just you walking out there, you or your father's daughter. And so people would look at you and because everybody knows everybody in the village, you know, and it's how you carry yourself and it's how you dress and all of that stuff. So I mean, I'm getting the feeling that that's hitting you at that time, even if you maybe never articulated it, but, but I kind of an inner feeling. I can't put a word on it, but it's like just, just disappointed. This is not me. I think it was like subconsciously, I think subconsciously and just the way that I formed coping mechanisms, you know, in hindsight, I said that my coping mechanisms were just to keep getting wasted and keep getting chicks. Because, you know, I've been on a journey of healing and I realized that, yeah, I was coping. I was coping and it was, but because I wasn't recognising what I needed to be doing, I just kept moving forward instead of actually stopping myself. Are you good at standing still now? I think I just cope with fitness now. Am I good with standing still? In the right moment, yes. Yeah, I think I still very much, I still, I think I just cope a lot positive, a lot more positively now. And those moments of, we use the term standing still to reflect, happen more often now in a positive way. And it's not always good, you know, it's usually hard just like right now that was, it's, but it means that it's right. Because it shouldn't, you know, anything worth anything is an easy one. Can you see triggers? Can you see things, whoops, hang on, it's coming up again, are that kind of thing? I do, I do, I do, I've got like three pillars that I sort of, I, it's got three pillars that I try, that not I try, that I build my lifestyle around now. And it's good Kai, good sleep and good training. And as long as I'm holding those, those three things solid, it allows me to do everything else in society. Yeah, like a positive, yeah, I have a positive, when those three things are balanced, everything around me happens positively. Good Kai, good food, what, what, what, what is good food to you? What do you mean by good food? Least process is possible. Yeah. Least process is possible. Yeah. Just, yeah, as least process is possible is what I go for. Yeah, simple Kai. Yeah, chicken, the jokers I eat a chicken a day, that's not a joke, I, you know, chicken a day that's much. But yeah, just, yeah, just least process is possible. Don't get me wrong, I, you know, I have the old end up down at the, at the old smokey shop now and again, but just balance, right? And as soon as one of those, one of those pillars for myself starts to slip, whether it's the Kai, the sleep or the training, then I see my, my, everything I start skin impacted. Yeah. If you've just tuned into us, you're listening to CrossFit invitation, my name's Tony Green, and my guest today is Mark, I'm all he talking about things that have gone right and things that have gone wrong and things on the journey towards more of what's right and get in the balance. Pick up on that, your three pillars there, the third one, those good training, is that obviously that's, that's a lot of external training, physical training, fitness training, internal. Well, well, yeah, well, yeah, the reason that I'm so an easy question, no, no, it isn't, it isn't, the reason that I'm sitting here with you now Tony, and the reason that my life is abundant. It's you've volunteered for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, when you when you drag many, you know, but the reason that I am sitting here and you nailed it, you're right, especially looking at me can think of that external training, which is cool. But the internal training is where the gold was found, you know, like we're not the gold was found where my light was found again. I made a lot of poor decisions and like, Brisbane was nothing on it. I continued a life of, of coping in an escalated and I ended up doing bad things. Just living that bad lifestyle, you know, drugs, all of that sort of stuff. And when you live that sort of lifestyle, you end up one or two places and it's either in prison or in the ground or in the ground. And it's fun and you clearly don't end the ground. And so throughout my journey, I ended up in prison and that was here, that was here. And I ended up in prison and that is the greatest, one of the greatest things that ever happened to me this, yeah, it was, and like everyone in my final sort of probably knew it was two. Because, because that's where, that's where it started. There's a lot of services inside, you know, there's a lot of, you've got a lot of time. The first thing is my first night in prison. I'm sitting in there and I remember just sitting there in my bedroom with my first night and I just remember thinking to myself, there are people in this world right now that don't have power. They don't have a refrigerator, they don't have a blanket, they don't have a full stomach. And here I am and I get that. So that was like my, that was my, that was my, I need to hold on to that. And then, and then the journey began. I'm the gangster Tony, but in prison there, I used to be a wannabe gangster. I thought I was a gangster, funnily enough until I went to prison and I realized I'm not a gangster. But anyway, I'm in prison and I meet some, it was just a beautiful, beautiful journey. It was a hard journey, but it was, yeah, it was beautiful. And one of the great things that in there, they had like a drug treatment program in there. I had some facilitators in there and we got the, and one of the coolest things was seeing these big macho men. Don't call them macho. These real gangsters, like in a, they, they choose the gangster life, you know. Be, be vulnerable, be honest and be open. And yeah, that was, yeah, and be honest with me and see my, and it was just an amazing journey. And when I seen that and I realized that that was manly and that was gangster and that was all of that sort of stuff, I, yeah, yeah, I just, I just took everything that I could. Because I'm away from my mum, I'm away from my dad, I'm away from everything, I'm missing everyone. I've now holding my name down low, you know, like it's not up high. And that, you know, just so much. And, but anyway, that training on the inside, that's where that really, really, really began. Yeah, that's where it began. I had, I had, I was shah on this and he talked about the humiliation stuff of strip searches in, you know, in the night they come in to that in the next night. Same thing strips, yes, next night, same thing. He said, this, this is not, this is not the place I want to be. This is not me. That's right. And there was an instance there where, um, someone had said information about something and they thought that we had something can, um, me and my, I sell me for three days straight. We're getting exactly that strip search. But one of the beautiful things that I realized in prison was that, um, that I put myself there. Um, and, and so every time like something like that happened, every time saying that happened, I didn't look at them and be like, oh, you know, blah, blah, blah, like, I chose this. Um, yeah, because there was a moment there when I remember like, I think I was just like, I so tired because when I before went to prison, I was on the run for about a year. I can have my shoulders and this and I was so tiring. And I remember actually that night in prison when I was in there and I was just like, I can relax now, you know, I was like, man, I can relax now. Um, but I was just like, there's so much going on and I had to be so honest with myself. And the honesty of the situation was is that, if I'm going to celebrate all the good things that I've done in my life. I now have to celebrate all the shit. Like, I can't blame people anymore, you know, and, um, yes, that was part of it in a training and. How long were you in prison? Sorry, go on. Oh, yes, two, two years and eight months, two years. Yeah, I was, um, sentenced for three and a half years. Um, but yeah, two years, eight months, what I realized, right, was that in my first year, I was trying to still be a bit cool. I still had a bit of attitude inside and it wasn't until I, and I got kicked out of one prison and then into another and kicked out of that one and then I ended up in Hawks Bay. And I was put on this unit for and, um, that's when I realized like real, real gangsters. And that's when I was just like, I humbled myself to the, yep, that's when I became, that's when I learnt humble. Is that the, when you said I realized that I'm not a gangster? Yep. Is that what we're talking about? Yeah, I was slowly happening while I was inside, but I still thinking like, I'm not a gangster, but I can, I can bang with gangsters, you know, I can, I can, you know, I hold my own, you know, all of that and sort of blah, blah, blah and all this jazz, like, can't believe it. And like, I really thought I was right, you know, like I really truly believe I was right and I still do, but like with a different perspective. But remember when I got there and I was like, nah, these are, these are real, these are real, real, real gangsters, like, yep. Did you have people from your, or I from, from, from, from, from your final, what to come and see you when you're in prison? So that was one, that was one of the moments, Tony was, I just been in a, I just been in a fight, so I got put into isolation in the, in the pound. And in there, it's like, you know, just classic urine, the cell of notebooks, no TV, just a bed, it's, it's as bad as you can think. And this was the old-school weight carrier. And you're in there for 23 hours, anyway, I'm in there. And three screws come to get me and they're like, your mum's here. And I'm probably like, I'm probably, I'm think I'm about five months deep now, I've been in. And like, we're months here. And I'm like, man, this is crazy. My mum's here, you know. And I, and I, they, they handcuffed me and they escort me out. And I'm like, wow, wow. And I walk in there and I see my mum. And that's the first visit, like this is the first time seeing anyone from outside. And I'm just like, wow, my beautiful mum, you know. But there's something off for their energy, you know. And she, and I go in a hugger, they handcuffed me in a hugger. And I'm like, man, in these heaps of like screws around and all that sort of stuff. And I'm like, they let me hug my mum and I'm in, you know, I'm in the pound. I should not be allowed this at all. And then she tells me that, then my, my beautiful cousin Shelley had passed away. That Shelley was raised like a sister, you know, as I said, we all just, you know, and like, I remember my mother there, and she's telling me this. And all these emotions, whatever, I sort of don't believe it. You know, I go, I go right back into my old coping mechanism and just push it out of the way. Anyway, I end up, love my mum, you know, we have a bit of crying all that sort of stuff. And I sort of don't believe it. I end up back in myself. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, I was just like one of the, and the other one was, I chose this. I chose a bird. You know, my father's out would cheat. Yeah, you know, how old was Shelley? Shelley would have been your age or what? No, she's younger, she was a year younger than I. She was being 27 at the time. She was giving birth to a beautiful core. Yeah, core survived. She's beautiful now, thriving. I can't wait to see her next, actually. Yeah, so she passed away and I'm in birth and I love you and my uncle Sean and Auntie Henry and everyone output and all that. Yeah, and so that's right at the start of my sentence and I'm living with that now, you know. I've missed out on this. And because of paperwork, I don't make the tummy. Yeah, there's another beautiful point. You know, like, yeah, there's so many hard things that have, that had happened and, and what that I've found hard in my life. And it makes me grateful that I'm here now. You know, I'm drinking clean water, speaking, you know, you know, that's, that's, yeah, there's a lot to watch. It's the second time you've mentioned that magic word, the tangy. What is the tangy represent? Anybody who is listening outside New Zealand, the tangy is, if you say it's the funeral separately, it's much more than that. Could you, could you wrap up? What's around what is a tangy? What's a tangy? What's a tangy to me? A tangy is the time, like for me, I couldn't explain the, the spiritual side of it. Because, but what it, what it helps with, with what it's always helped me with is it's just this perfect time that you get to spend with everyone that was in that person's life. And because parva tangy is washing dishes, doing kai, doing hangies, getting the marai ready for all these visitors and all of that. So you're like, you're busy and you're remembering when you done it probably with that person, with that person that used to be around and you're with their, with their loved ones in you. Yeah, you're looking after everyone, you know, like some people want to just be, but in like the bodies there the whole time in the marai. And you can go and see them whenever and some people like sitting there, some people like staying busy and it's just this, it's just this process for me of, like, I can't see and it's funny because my mum is Scottish and well from a Scottish family and the BT's. And so like my mother's side was tangy when my, and it was such the perfect way, you know, I think it's the perfect way to say goodbye to someone because it's just, it wouldn't be the otherwise, you know. But then for my mother, my, my, where my mother passed, she was, it was of, of cancer. And so she had time to plan and all of that, a lot of stuff. And my mother was literally like, she didn't want any of that. She was like a, she bang, bang, she was gone and she was down. I remember the night with her. She passed the morning, the day after we had the, the people or whatever the people are that they called pick her up and take her off. And she was cremated, yeah, like it was so it's funny, but the difference with that is that we had time with her. So, you know, we had our time to, you know, we were there as a family. So what is a tangy, it's time to be, to be, yeah. But part of that also, that magic tidal Māori word to rangayayay is a place to stand. It's much more, it's, it's a kind of an developing thing. Everything sits, everything belongs. Is that, is that it? How do that? I, I think, like from my perspective on things, that everything's a symptom of, of whatever is the main energy, you know, whatever is the main energy. And, yeah, tangy, just a symptom of, of humans and, and using an alter or new tidini, grieving and then this was, and like I think tangy is over time of change as well. You know, like they have, they have, but I'm, yeah, I love her. I, I think that they're of... Class throwing a quote here. This is, in 2021, in March, because I should say that we are recording this one day before the sixth anniversary of the Mosk attacks here in Christchurch. Goodness, made time goes quickly. But in, in, in 2021, there was a remembrance ceremony. It was meant to happen the year before, but COVID came uninterrupted. And, at this ceremony, Dr Tamari Tao, who's the, uh, Upokod, that's kind of the leader of Naitua Harili, which is the, the Harpu, the sort of clan of, of Naita, in the South Island. And, he said this, he said, "Our custom requires us to give thanks, whether things go well or ill. We give thanks to your community for your observance of grace in your darkest time, because we understand that that state of grace comes from deep faith. We give thanks to our Prime Minister for directing our attention to what matters during a crisis, compassion. And we give thanks to our community through our Christchurch New Zealand for their charity and dignity. And, and this is to me, almost the, the key thing, our basic understanding as citizens of this country, that as a community, we are our brothers keeper. In 2019, we welcomed you back to Te Al-Maramah, which we call the world of light. And today we stand here in that light. But it's that idea of being your brothers keeper. And it seems to me there's, there are lots of people who don't believe that, and there are political forces who don't believe that too. And it's, and it's funny, so to go back, I met, after, you know, blessing saw those, I don't know, I can't even, I won't even touch on them. And after that event happened, I met, as I was saying, I met those two, two Muslim brothers that were from overseas that were coming to support the community down here. And what blew me away was that, that's when I was on my journey, I was on the run, I was on the run, I was on the run. And yeah, and that just the conversation I had with them about, and this would lead back to all those, the tragedies that we have either as a collective or as I have had as an individual, allows for that space of beauty. And that, you know, through that event, through the event, how we managed to come together. Yeah, and I think, and we mentioned til Marma, until, until Māori, we talk about Te Kōri, Te Pō, Te Al Marma. And that, we can, we have to have the nothingness, Te Kōri, Te Pō, the darkness, to allow the light. So, and that, actually, and that's one of the biggest things that was one of my biggest learnings, internal learnings for myself, was that, yeah, it was that, through those darkest times, through the void, to the darkest times that we have, can we only find the light. And that's, like, the narrative that I know, now, you have on my life here. Big thing, I think we've almost, we've, we've got a few minutes left, but this is a, it's a big journey. A lot of thanks to you for, for talking to this. When did you come down to Christchurch? Um, that was, I must again, about two and a half years ago. Yeah, my mother was, yeah, I tell you what, but it was because when I was getting out of prison, I knew that I needed to be somewhere else. Yeah. I needed to, uh, come to a place where I could start fresh and, uh, Christchurch was the place. Um, and my mother had moved to Ashburden, my brother was, is on a farm down there. So it just, the perfect circumstances were there. And, yeah, so I decided to get out down here. Yeah. You still play League? I've been asked. I've been asked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but yeah. So League was like, um, that was another reason that I want, I loved Christchurch too because of the, the League culture down here and a few of the, um, coaches that I knew down here as well. Yeah. Yeah. There was a perfect storm for me to either here. Yeah. Yeah. It's very, very different place. It is. It's very different. Um, used to be described by some people as a white bread and marmite place, but that, but that's, yes. It's like the past because it's actually a far more complex place than I think it is. People see it. It is. And it's like, um, but I, that's why I've loved it so much because I've, I am Māori. And I now, I'm not, I stand up for it here because like, I know it's growing and all that stuff, but it's still pretty, um, not Māori down here, but it's definitely, but I'm definitely in the perfect place to, um, to, um, shed positive light on Māori through who I am as Māori and, and I'm received with open arms throughout the, the community. And then I'm being Māori down here. I feel Makarini Fakai Hihi, Muihi again. Um, I hold my title high down here. Yeah. Is your father still with us? He is. Yeah. My father still, um, up home in the same house that I grew up in. Yeah. So he's, yeah, he's up there with my sisters next door and all that. Yeah. Um, I talk to him daily. There's a, there's a daily. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Yeah. There's a strange thing sometimes people move on. You find in some places where I grew up that there are, there are doors that you can't go in anymore because the people who lived there, they've sort of moved on. Uh, something greatly lost in there and all of that, you know, that's, excuse me. So that's there. It's like it doesn't say a, although I said this already, but something I read about too high. Um, some older lady there who, I think the grandson of whatever have gone off the rails in Australia or somewhere, and she simply said two words, come home, come home. But, but for you, home's still there. Yeah. Um, I've been very blessed that, um, that, uh, that's the one thing my father's always said, he's always told me, go off and do whatever you want son, because you'll always have home. And, um, and that's why I'm so privileged. There's also one of those things and we haven't got time to go into this now. Fortunately, but there are so many kids growing up who don't have homes. And this is, this is, this is maybe this part of the whole thing is this kind of story because to speak to that. And you're right. We don't have time. But what I will say is that the reason the statistics don't lie. And, um, and I see myself as a statistic breaker. And what did I have that a lot of the others didn't have? I had a home. I had a far know and I had love. And I never didn't have that. And if that, and I'm not saying that they don't, but I'm just saying that that's what I have that they, that my, my, my love brothers, my breeders, my geez, my gangsters. They didn't, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I wish we had more time to each other. I wish. I wish that. Yeah. Mark and I, I just got to say a huge thanks to you and I pray that you go well. Thank you. Thank you, Danny. You have been listening to the Christchurch invitation hosted by me, Tony Green, from Mahia Te Aroha. New episodes of the Christchurch invitation are released every second Wednesday at 9 a.m. You can listen to past episodes on plainsfm.org.nz and like and subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. If this program has made you think, please share it with someone who will take the conversation further. You can find more information about Mahia Te Aroha at MahiaTeAroha.nz on Facebook and Instagram. You can also email us at [email protected]. Until next time, Assalamualaikum. Peace be with you. (gentle music)