EP#12- How to Chill The F* Out with Staci Benaroya, LCSW

(gentle music) Sometimes we really just need to chill the F out. I mean, this year has been absolutely crazy. So I would even say this year more so than ever, we really need to learn how to chill the F out and just learn ways to calm down when everything around us is hectic, stressful and scary. Life is hard. No matter if you've suffered from anxiety or depression or if you've been clinically diagnosed with any other mental health struggle, at the end of the day, we all experience at least some level of stress that may impact our day-to-day well-being or even in the longer term, our health and well-being. This week I spoke with Stacey Beneroya, otherwise known as the NYC therapist about certain techniques we can use to just take a step back and calm down. This episode is sponsored by Incher and Strive Coffee. You can use the code in Dorfins for 10% off of your coffee order. (gentle music) Stacey is a New York City-based licensed psychodynamic therapist, coach and business owner. As a fellow, anxious millennial, Stacey is extremely passionate about helping young adults heal through emotional wounds and therapy and is coaching clients to help them chill the F out through major life transitions. You can follow Stacey on Instagram at the NYC therapist and at Quarter Life Companion. (gentle music) - Thank you so much, Stacey, for coming on to the podcast today. I'd love to start out by asking a question that I post every single guest that comes on to Everyday in Dorfins. What is something that brings you a bit of endorphins every day? - I love that question. And thank you so much for having me. And I think this conversation right now is bringing me some endorphins, just chatting with someone who's like-minded and who's passionate about mental health. That is something I'm really passionate about and always sparks interest and conversation. - Yeah, well, thank you. And I'm so excited to get into our conversation today. It's a really weird time that we're all going through and no matter what kind of ways that you cope with mental health issues or anxiety or whatnot, it's so important to acknowledge that we all are dealing with everyday stresses and it's important to just learn ways to chill out. And I think this is a great segue into talking about some anxiety and stress management tools. - I think that anxiety is part of life and we start to realize that in college, right? When we're out on our own and it's kind of hits us in the face, I think that maybe as kids we don't necessarily have a word for it. Right, if something feels off, maybe we do, maybe we don't, but we don't really learn about anxiety and ways to cope with anxiety in school. Like I remember- - Yeah, I remember. - Class but I don't remember learning meditation. I think they're getting better. I think they're teaching like meditation and mindfulness. They're bringing that into physical education classes and health classes, which is amazing, but I don't get any of that. - Yeah, no, it's definitely like, well yeah, as you mentioned, I think it's being taught more so now, but yeah, I mean, as a kid, we never really had a concept or an understanding of meditation or could label the feelings, maybe the physical sensations that we'd feel if we're feeling anxious or stressed. - Absolutely. And I think that we, you know, we, with therapy, becoming more and more normalized and destigmatized, not that there's not still a stigma, but I think that it's become something that's so much more commonplace and something that people even are excited to talk about or like brag about like, yeah, like this is what my therapist told me whereas in the past, it was something that really keep push, hush, and there was a lot of shame associated with talking and bringing problems outside the family. So our generation is kind of like, you know, we're going through a process of understanding ourselves and our histories and how to manage anxiety and depression, not that it has to be like a clinical diagnosis, but I think that we're all gonna be faced with challenges in life and hard days and the uncertainty and struggles and big life transitions and loss in some way, shape, or form. And so to know how to take care of ourselves during that time is it's so important. Otherwise, we can really feel like we're falling apart. And I know that when I had my first panic attack, my first semester of college, that's how it felt. Like I was falling apart and I wasn't prepared. - Yeah, and I love how you brought up the point, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have a clinical diagnosis of anxiety or depression to experience feeling stressed out or feeling anxious because the nature of life is challenging. You know, we're constantly going through changes whether or not we are consciously experiencing them. And so I think that's why I think it's so important to have a toolkit or have, you know, the ability to know certain practices or techniques that can help you calm down and just chill out for a second. So important. - It's so important. And I think that, you know, it's something that everyone kind of like knows that they need. Like wouldn't it be nice to know how to, how to soothe ourselves through the stress? And it doesn't mean that it takes away the stress and the problems and that they don't exist and that, you know, therapy isn't still important or medication sometimes. But for some, you know, some people, you know, these tools and techniques to breathe and relax the nervous system can be enough. - Yeah. And would you also say that maybe in addition to meditation or mindfulness practices, there are other ways we can just calm ourselves down a bit if we're feeling caught up in a moment? - Absolutely. There are, I think, so many ways to work through emotions and it's all about finding what works for you and what works for you in that moment. But to know that you have like a specific set of tools that you can kind of like go to, it's empowering. I remember the first time I learned how to do diaphragmatic abdominal breathing and really experiencing the feelings of relaxation. And to know that I had that in my back pocket, maybe that held me over. - Yeah. Is that kind of like ujjayi breathing? - I'm pronouncing that right. - So that's the ocean breathing where you're like really, which is wonderful. And I kind of, I definitely combine both diaphragmatic breathing focuses on breathing with the diaphragm. So when you're inhaling, your belly is rising and when you're exhaling, your belly falls. And it's much more about breathing from that part of your body rather than like, from your chest. - Right. And it's actually something like, I don't know if you've ever, you can think of like seeing like a baby. Babies breathe that way naturally. Like if you can think of a little baby and like, and like their tummy's going in and out, right? We actually, you know, started out breathing like that. And it's the way that it's innate and it's intuitive. And we can all access it. But it does take time and practice because we lose that. - It's interesting because the way maybe babies breathe is so innate, like we were born to breathe in that certain way. But as we grow older, we kind of lose sight of that. I think in the two and earlier point you've made, like it's so important to self-soothe as young little babies and kids where we find ways or there's certain mechanisms that are in place that help us to automatically just try to self-soothe. But when we grow older, we lose sight of how to do that. It maybe it manifests itself differently as we grow older. - And does it look quite as naturally maybe? - No. - It doesn't. And why is that? Like why does it not come naturally? - Hey. - We just have like a different concept of like the world that we're living in, I guess, as you get older. - I think that there's, you know, it has so much to do with like our cognitive development and the ability to like think abstractly and go internal and think about your thoughts and that just changes so much of your experience about the world and then happens around middle school. That's why middle school could be so tough. - That makes a lot of sense. (laughs) - Yeah, I mean, and also like coming back to the breath, I'm so fascinated by how powerful certain breathing techniques can be because when you really do focus on your breath and breathe very intentionally, you're physiologically altering what's going on in your body. So your heart rate will decrease and by decreasing your heart rate, maybe those like feelings of anxiety that are just kind of like lingering in the back of your mind just go away, by just simply by decreasing your heart rate through the act of breathing. - Yeah, I mean, when we, when our bodies feel anxiety right when our heart rate is fast when our blood pressure is up, it can increase the worried thoughts. It can increase the ability to go into our heads and want to escape from our bodies. And so coming into the body and soothing the body and regulating the nervous system, it's a really powerful tool. Right? Fight or flight is so innate and it's built into us. So anxiety is kind of like built into us. It's a good thing that we do get stressed when certain things happen. It allows us to respond quickly, right? And in the face of like danger. Yeah. To like step on the brakes if we're you know, for defensively driving and that kind of like response that goes through you when you're faced with such you know, that's like a really I guess intense example like when your survival instincts might kick in but you can go into that fighter flight state just from hearing the news that like the CDC is restricting traveling. Yeah definitely. I mean when I found out about that yesterday, I think you know CDC restricting travel for Thanksgiving. I was like, oh my god, like it's not just my university that's saying, hey, we don't really think it's smart for you to travel or at least if you're going home, stay home. It's the entire nation. And that's really scary. And I think I was actually talking about this the other day with some friends, the fact that we're in November right now and COVID is worse now than it was in March, right when we thought you know, things were getting really serious. Trump had issued the travel ban then. It just feels like it's kind of you know never ending. And I think that's a really scary thought to process and it's really hard to look forward to things when there's a lack of hope. It's really hard to look forward right now to to know exactly when this is going to end and I think right now like particularly right today's Friday, November 20th, we might remember this date. We are at a day like we were in March, right around March 11th, 12th, 13th. We all remember those days. We remember those days where this went from being something like, oh, I don't think it's going to be a big deal or much to worry about to a pandemic to non-essential work, you know, being told like work from home if you can, at least in New York City, which is where I was when this all started. So I think New Yorker's definitely at least remember the day, you know, those days in March. And it's really triggering right now to be at a time where we feel those, we were very reminded that something similar is about to happen. And there's a lot of anticipation about that. Even though we know it's going to be different this time around, we're still activated. It's still stressful. Yeah, I'm in my early 20s. I'm 21. I feel like the 20s are supposed to be an exciting time of your life or you're meeting new people, you're finishing up college or your first job. And I feel like those early years at the least, you know, are being kind of robbed for me for a lack of better words. Maybe I'm going through a quarter midlife crisis right now. And I know you've recently launched quarter life companion. So I'd love for you to talk a little bit about what quarter life companion is and what inspired you to start that. I love it. And I think that's a great segue. So I love working with people in their 20s. I have a private psychotherapy practice that where it work primarily with with 20 something year olds, maybe early 30 year olds, really that postgraduate to pre baby era when you're you're out of college and you're starting to make it on your own, but you haven't quite started a family yet. And there's so much that happened during those years between becoming, you know, financially independent, which is happening, maybe like later and later now, especially with the pandemic. And maybe like entry into the workforce being a little bit delayed to, you know, people knowing that if they want a family to wanting to find, right, like the love of their life, someone that they can see themselves having children with, but also wanting to, you know, enjoy all that's out there and really learning like who they are and what they like. And so the 20s are such an exciting time. And I know they can also be a really stressful time and as someone who who has anxiety, but didn't really recognize my anxiety until college, I'm so passionate about helping this age group. I know that I went through a quarter life crisis, right, not exactly at age 25, right, if we're like thinking of like, you know, zero to 100, but but it's something that I think everyone kind of goes through to some extent if you, you know, say like the crisis is some sort of like, who am I and how do I do this and am I going to figure all of this out? And is it going to be okay? Yeah, that's a great point. Who am I? That's a question I feel like we're all asking ourselves every day, especially now because with the change in our day to day life right now, it feels like our schedules are completely flipped upside down and there's a lack of maybe like purpose for, you know, what I'm supposed to be doing with my time right now, you know, just thinking in terms of the college experience in my last year of college. That's stressful. Like how stress inducing is that to be in your last year of college and have so much, you know, not to stress you out, but like I can only imagine. Yeah, and also like with the job market being not so great right now, like as you've mentioned, there's all these stresses that I think people in my grade or, you know, in my age group are feeling right now. It's it's interesting because obviously these four years of college post so many challenges and exciting opportunities and just a lot of like growth opportunity, but that doesn't stop, you know, once you graduate. As you've mentioned, there's, you know, finding your first job, moving to a new city, looking for someone to be with, finding, like figuring out what you want in a romantic partner, all these different factors come into play and I think, you know, it's so important to have companionship and these are really challenging times. Relationships are so important, they're so important and if we want to bring our full and authentic self into a relationship and, you know, not project like our stuff onto the relationship and be able to sit with the discomfort of being vulnerable and setting boundaries and the unknown in relationships, then it's really important to, kind of like figure out what works for us to get through that discomfort and the discomfort doesn't stop right like after that quarter life crisis. It's not like you get through it and you're like, okay, I figured it all out and life is I'm all set now. I think there's always going to be challenges, but I'm really grateful that I have the tools I have now as I, you know, approached my 30th birthday and, you know, and think about starting a family in the next couple of years. I think that I'm going to need them and I think that they could have helped me out earlier too. I wish I knew them sooner. Yeah, and, you know, going off of that, I'm wondering if what would you tell yourself in your early 20s? You know, if you had one piece of advice to give yourself, when you were in college, you'd experience your first panic attack, what would you say to reassure that, you know, things are going to be okay? Great question, right? Like if I had told myself, it's all going to be okay. I don't think I would have believed it. I don't think that's good. I think that like, if we think that can say, like, yeah, it's all going to be okay. Well, that's not very reassuring because it doesn't feel okay at the time. If I was to tell my early 20s self something, taking care of myself will be the most important thing I learned how to do. Yeah, I love that. And I think especially in college, we're learning how to take care of ourselves. We're learning how to put ourselves first and be selfish in the best way possible in a way that will enable us to be better people in a way that will be able to show up for others because we're showing up for ourselves first. Exactly. Yeah. And I know with Quarter Life Companion, you have an Instagram account right now that's launched around Quarter Life Companion and you're releasing the Chill, the F out guide and that's already available actually. That's like a little starter guide to chilling the F out. You get a checklist and some other cool things. If you download that link is in my bio and I think that, you know, I go more in depth into the actual how-to in my coaching program, but that's a really great place to get started and think about what sparks my interest, what might I want to try. I think a lot of people know meditation, yoga, relaxation, practice, these would be good for me, but like it's not really my thing or I've tried it and I I wasn't for me. It didn't work for me and that might be true. But it could also mean that it was just not presented in like a relatable way or in a way where it clicked or at a time that it would click. I know for me like I discovered yoga during graduate school. Do I wish I discovered it earlier? Absolutely because I think being able to connect my mind to my body, which is what I was starting to learn with the deep breathing, but it became more powerful with the movement expression in yoga. I think that really helped me to connect to like who I am and what I wanted and really like what it was that I was there under the surface. That's great. And especially with yoga, I love yoga. Anyone who listens probably knows this or anyone who knows me well knows that I'm obsessed with yoga. And I think I was really fortunate to have done it with my mom and I was like nine years old. She would take me with her to the classes she'd go to and of course you know as a kid like you don't really want to do what your mom tells you what to do. So I would always feel like I don't want to go. But then as time passed I actually appreciated the practice and I'm really thankful that she did like drag me to these classes with her. It actually became very enjoyable for me. And did it be enjoyable for you? Oh, I would have to say when I started to realize that it was really enjoyable was high school. Like freshman year probably. How did you like know it was for you at that point? I so I was a competitive rower in high school and I started rowing my freshman year and I did it all throughout until the end my senior year. So when I would go to yoga it was a space for me to still get in some physical activity but to give my body a rest from the rigorous workouts we do at the boat house. And when I would come to the mat like at my yoga studio it was a space where I could really decompress and like give back to my body and just find a space where I could be still and just carve out some time for myself like away from the stress of high school, away from the stress of relationships, friends, rowing, all of that. And I think coming to the mat and doing it for myself like I would love practicing on my own. And then I would try to like get some friends to do with me and then it became more of a social activity which was great. But when I would you know go alone I just loved doing it by myself. It was very relaxing for me. And probably really empowering too when you realized what it was doing for you. Yeah and I think then especially like I have kept it up throughout college I would make a point to go at least once a week every every week throughout like the entirety of college and getting off campus especially like as a freshman and sophomore in college and going to a yoga studio feeling like I was more like more of a person like a part of the St. Louis community rather than just a student that was you was really important to me. And I probably don't like some of your social connections too because you know you just see different faces. Exactly yeah like I got to see faces of actual adults not just like 18 to 22 year old people I got to see older adults and I mean even in like the smaller things like going to a coffee shop off campus you see a young kid with her parents like you you feel like you're kind of like a person again because you're outside of like the bubble of just college. But yeah I mean it was so good for me I think in college to just get off campus and do something for myself. Yeah I think that at all in college. I love campus much and so I think like you know afterwards I really um I don't I don't know that I would have tried yoga in in college and that could partially be because like my mom didn't introduce me to it I wasn't familiar with it at all um but I also think I might have like been judgy towards it and then like oh you know that's not enough of like a workout or I I don't think that like I don't believe that like it actually helps with stress I don't see how that could actually be beneficial or it's uncomfortable. I don't like holding the poses I don't get it you know that's a great point because that's so much of what I've heard from friends who I've tried to introduce yoga to like oh if I really want to work out I'll just go for a run which okay fine like that's a different type of workout and it's also like well what are you looking for out of your yoga practice and I think something especially with yoga like you can't force it you can't force that epiphany to occur you just kind of have to trust in the practice it might sound kind of cliche but um it really is so special and you know I'm glad that you found it in grad school because I don't it's never too late to start practicing. Now it never is and I you know that's why like it's part of my like chill the f out guide my chill the fuck out checklist that um you know move your body and and you know it's some like gentle movement and gentle stretching to connect to your body but it's not the only part right it's not the only thing I'm promoting because I I would never want to force anything but I really want to hopefully make some things relatable that weren't so relatable for me um I guess like in college or after college and get people curious yeah definitely and I think also something important to know is yoga as much as I love it and as much as I you know a huge advocate for all the benefits it can provide like maybe it's not for everyone and that's fine it's really about finding what works for you as you've mentioned and and trusting that and using those tools feeling empowered to know that you have practices you can come back to when you feel caught up in a moment and um I also know that you're releasing the magical morning guide for non-morning people which I love because I like it's hard to be a morning person I'd love to hear more maybe like a sneak preview about how non-morning people can enjoy the mornings. I think that the mornings are a really special time to connect to yourself to chill the fuck out and it's part of my you know it's part of my daily practice not every day right sometimes I miss it sometimes I miss it but I know that on the days I miss it I need to set some time aside at some point to slow down because typically the morning is is the slowest time right it's the quietest time the sun's first coming up and so I don't you know I don't say that like people need to have a very strict routine necessarily I don't necessarily promote that but I know that for me part of part of managing my anxiety and stress has to do with getting up early and connecting to my body before I start the day. Yeah do you like to work out in the morning or you do you just like to be early? Not necessarily it's not like always about working out like it could be and I think that's kind of like the last step of the guide like get going you know and now it's time to do what you want to do this is really like going to be I think helpful for people that are interested in in becoming a morning person giving yourself things to look forward to in the morning right like once something is pleasurable you write like yoga eventually became pleasurable for you when you look forward to it and you wanted to do it and so once I realized that I likes the mornings and I like that time it didn't make it it doesn't make it so hard when it's you know when I wake up tired I'm going to wake up tired regardless. Yeah exactly and I think even even like just waking up early knowing that no one's awake also makes me feel a bit better because I feel like I have time for myself to just get done what I need to do and also like I love breakfast like it's my favorite it's absolutely my favorite meal type of food so I wake up excited to have my breakfast every morning and that helps you get out of bed in the morning. Yeah definitely and I think you know as you as you've just mentioned too having that space for yourself in the morning can also really help decrease anxiety or stress because you're getting a jump start to your day I think it makes it can make you feel a bit more accomplished or productive or boost yourself a steam because you feel like you're actually doing something instead of just sleeping in really late and then the day kind of escapes you especially with daylight savings the sun sets so early now I really want to maximize the time that I do have to spend with sunlight outside so waking up a bit earlier follows you know the schedule of nature I guess and I will say there's something really cool about waking up when it's dark outside I think you you know it feels like okay well everyone is sleeping this is kind of like extra time and now that the sun is going to start rise like with daylight savings time it's starting to rise or a little earlier now but that's going to it's going to stop soon the days are are going to get longer I guess yeah yeah I you know I appreciate that time when like I wake up at 645 and it's still or like 615 maybe and and it's not arctic and then I get to watch the sunrise. It's a really sacred time and it feels like extra time. And it's, yeah, like you said, we're like on nature's schedule, we're waking up with the world. - Yeah. - Watching the world go from dark to light. - Yeah. And you know, on that note, finding some lightness and happiness, what is some advice or one piece of advice you would give young adults, college age students, you know, during this really uncertain stressful time, especially now as we're venturing into Thanksgiving. How to like just. - Oh my God, calm down. - Yeah, you need to chill the fuck out. Everyone does. Like we just all do. We're gonna be hitting the face with news. We're gonna be hitting the face with like difficult decisions that we have to make and a lot of uncertainty. And I think that that is just inherently stressful. We need to know, we need to take time for ourselves every day to create space to move through all of that stress or it does a lot of damage to the body. And when we don't allow space for it to kind of like flow through us and to be able to self-suit through it, like it builds up and it can make us feel like we're really losing it and we're really losing control and we don't have a grip on our mental health. And so prioritizing that chill time, I think is key. I think we have, and that goes back to like taking care of yourself is the most important thing that you can do for yourself and for the rest of the world. - Yeah, absolutely. And that's such an important reminder 'cause it's very easy to lose sight of that, which is such a basic fact. It's very easy to forget. Thank you so much for coming on to Everyday Endorphins and sharing all of your wisdom. People can find you at the NYC therapist on Instagram and also at Quarter Life Companion. - Yes, thank you so much for having me. This was great. I loved being here. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)