Ep.106 Why we broke up and why we tried again

Hey friends, it's Shiv and Dave and you're listening to the all of you podcast So you broke up with me I dumped you you dumped me. I'm sorry. That was so We're far enough from the pain That I can say that I dumped you dumped me I Dumped a version of you. I didn't dump this one Keeping this one with that old one He was not for me So we get a lot of questions on That story I would say the number one question I get online from people is like How did the breakup go? What was the context and you know how long did it last? Who reached out to who first? Yeah, so we're gonna tell the story a little bit of our breakup story A breakup story. Yeah, which just a funny side note last night I was like Dave. What are we podcasting again? Tomorrow on I was it was a long day yesterday and He's like, oh, I thought we'd do a really fun one. We talk about our breakup and I go that is not fun And you go yeah it is and all of just goes Yeah, she laughed it was like a laugh. Yeah, she like roast she did this like giggle roast that was just eloquently perfect Yeah, 13 and coming in her own perspective and humor and when she roasts you It just yeah, it's so funny. It's it's really good. She does it so well But all of that to say we're gonna have fun on this episode. Yeah talking about our breakup. Yeah, let's talk about what Led up to it. Maybe I mean, I mean, we've told this story a little bit before but the first Three months we had were fantastic. We were in love. We thought we met our person I remember coming home from meeting you and telling my sister like this is someone that I I think I really Should be with like this is the type of person that I should be with like we just connected so well on so many levels The versions of us that were those people really synced up Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean at the time we were both kind of little I'll just say wild childs. Maybe is the right way we're dancing with the light spirited. We were Groove and yeah, I think that's them. I don't know why I'm trying to keep it PG But that's the PG version of what we were up to in that season of life and it was like oh you're down to have fun Yep, let's go and fun. We had but we were two people that had had a lot of fun in Ben having fun Didn't really want to give up having fun And we still don't like giving up fun isn't our version of fun is changed. Yeah our version of fun is changed But we didn't have purpose and we were kind of coping with a lack of purpose lack of mission lack lack of spiritual health lack of Relational health in our life like they say the quality of your relationships will determine the quality of your life And we both had friendships that were high quality and even family relationships that were high quality but romantically we were both struggling at that time we were both single and hadn't figured it out and I had already been through divorce but but anyway, so then the first time you triggered me It all fell the whole thing fell apart the view the Wonderful view that you created of me in your head just shattered and I was human in my flaws showed my insecure attachment showed and Then we spent the next six months trying to stay together and work through those like sending Reels back and forth of relationship content Doing research on on not social media research. I'll call it of what Relationship should be and there was some Understanding that came in that season a little bit, but not a lot. Well, I think for the most part it just Didn't make sense why it couldn't work. Yeah, because so much about us did make sense like was in alignment and We I would say like we would look at each other and be like we're relatively like good people and we have our shit together. We both had really high level jobs quality jobs like on paper we were like we Why is this happening? I don't understand this how this how it can make so much sense but Absolutely not work. Yeah, and when I say it absolutely not work We were fighting over things that It was kind of like we couldn't take two steps with tripping over something that would cause a fight Somebody would be late to something somebody would the connection just was off and our chemistry was gone And we were trying to get it back. We would try to plan a trip to force it. We just couldn't Really connect there was a lot of things in the way of our connection and With no idea like no I had no idea why it wasn't working so we were we're Threatening to end it not threatening. That's the wrong word. We were dancing with ending it for six months Like I would say we weren't breaking up every other day But we were getting in conflicts and it just didn't feel good. We'd have high moments. I remember like Doing like some trips together where we'd have these moments We went to Joshua Tree in the van and we'd have these like moments that were like felt connecting and funny and we'd You even had already met the girls which was hard for me because then yeah and for you gosh and And So there was a lot and we had such good moments with the girls and there was so much good and then we What so what made us actually choose the walk away do you remember? it wasn't one Final straw that broke the Kimmel's back fight per se it was the realization that This relationship is making my life worse not better. Yeah, it's a net negative like it is in net I love you. I would be like I love you This is a net negative. Yeah, I am not and I am my mental health is worse being with you than before I met you mm-hmm and that doesn't seem worth it Yep, and we've given the and it was like I've tried for six months. We've tried for six months We literally would get a whiteboard out and spend hours Trying to negotiate and weasel and figure out why it wasn't working. We were that dedicated to trying to figure it out and I was like I am losing myself In this relationship. It's not healthy for me. It's not healthy for you It's certainly not the best thing for the girls to have a dad who's not doing well because he's an unhealthy relationship I Don't see us figuring this out. I've given everything I have to figuring out so I think we have to walk away Yeah, and I always say like as a joke you dumped me, but it was it was fairly mutual Yeah, I was probably the one that didn't want to let go or wasn't I would have gone another 10 rounds with you and I was tired you were too tired and but I I knew that and so when we decided to walk away It wasn't like one meeting we had where we hugged and that was it. I think it was like We were not together and then there was like two weeks later We'd be like okay, could we try to see each other and we and I remember we tried we went to like a comedy show I bought tickets to a comedy show We tried to like hang out for a day and we had a great day But we both knew We're just holding on to something that's not working. I didn't feel like I could trust it Yeah, and I felt your lack of trust in me. Mm-hmm. So We walked away when I think back on that time of walking away I think there's part of me that is like Yeah, I was I was choosing myself as choosing my mental health and knew it was the right decision It was one of the most painful decisions I've ever made because I really did believe we were right for each other I really saw a future with you and so I had that attachment to the future that I saw with you and then that felt like it was just All that my dreams were slipping out of my hands And then the layer on top of that of having met the girls having already started, you know It was a young connection because I think I'd only known them 4 or 5 or 6 months. I don't know remember exactly. It was like four months. Yeah, roughly So it wasn't like I was an integral part of their life at that point but I knew them well enough to know that I Wanted them in my life. You were falling in love with them totally and [BLANK_AUDIO] It felt like that was also being like ripped out of me. And so dating someone with kids, you're in my stance, if you like the kids, which I would advocate, if you're gonna date someone with kids, liking them is very, very helpful. When you're losing three people, the pain of that was really substantial. - Yeah. And it felt like I was walking away from so much. And I think that was a really, really just painfully dark season. I coped so hard after that break up. I'm embarrassed when I even think about how hard I was coping because the pain was just so big. I don't regret it. Ultimately, it was the right choice. - Breaking up or the coping? (laughing) - Breaking up, the coping. I mean, I wish I coped a little healthier. That's what I would say. I wish I sought out some help to cope in a healthier way during that time, but I give myself grace that I was doing the best I can with the tools that I had at the time, which were very minimal amount of tools at the time. So it looked messy and it looked like a train wreck. I was a train wreck in that season. And I share that because if most people who are interested in our story are typically in a similar place to that. And I have a lot of empathy for you if that is the place that you're in and the pain is really real. It's the pain of a breakup with someone you really thought was someone you were gonna be with forever is excruciating. Doesn't mean it was wrong, but it was the right move. - It was the right move, taking that. And it wasn't, I wanna be clear, it was not a breakup that was like, let's take a break, let's take a month of space, it wasn't that. It was at first like a week or two of space at a time. - I think it was like the first, after the breakup, we really did not call text anything. - No, after the breakup was final, it was like six weeks of no contact at all. And I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. It was a permanent breakup where we were letting go. And what is that, not making any meaning of that? That's just where we were at. I wanna be honest about the story. And, but before we broke up, I had decided to put myself in a serious course. Like, not just I'm going to therapy, I'd bend to therapy. A relationship course where I was like, I gotta figure this out. There's people who have, I knew a buddy that had figured out his relationship who he was on the brink of divorce, ended up getting back together with his wife and saving their relationship and returning. And, you know, they have been able to, they had two kids and they were able to have a third together. They broke up, they got back together, they had a third kid together. And they're wonderful. I hit him up, he got me in touch with a guy and I signed up for a $4,000 course. I don't say that to say that you have to spend $4,000, but that's just where I was at. And I had signed up for that before we broke up. And so, you knew I was in that course. And I'll be honest, when we broke up, there was a thought in my mind that I was like, why am I here now? I don't have a relationship. I was in it with other people and there was guys that, - It was a group program too. - Yeah, there was guys that dropped out. And I was like, should I just drop out? I mean, it was hard to go to. It was three hours a night in person, three hours a week, one session a week, for three hours and nine months long. And I was a month in and I lost my relationship. And I was like, well, I'm, why am I here? And I am so glad I kept going. It's not even funny. But it was hard and it was hard to do. But you had that little, I don't wanna talk for you, but you had that seed. That was a seed in your mind. That was like, what if he figures it out? - Yeah, I knew that you were taking kind of accountability for your half by sending it for the course. And I knew you were taking it seriously. I should also mention from my perspective at the time, oh gosh, this is like, it's like slightly embarrassing to admit. I truly thought you were 100% of the problem. I took no accountability and was like, man, that guy will be a catch if he figures it out. - I knew that. I knew that you knew I was, I knew that you thought I was the problem and that was the problem that I had with you. (laughing) - You were like, yeah, you got the whiteboard out, you're trying to explain how I'm part of the problem. I was like, you're racing that whiteboard. I was like, yeah, right. But anyways, so at the time, my unawareness really did blame you. And I think it's really sad to even say that, but I was able to be like, well, look, like you already have a divorce. So clearly you struggle more in relationship with me. This one's on you, bud. Obviously I've come around from that point of view. But you were, I think you were either one month or two month. I don't remember exactly into the course when we broke up. But I had. - I was like six weeks in. - Yeah, I had this like, what I knew was, you were taking it really serious that you wanted to change. Because actually, I didn't, you, at the time you never told me the price tag of the course. But I knew that it was on, it was in person 45 minutes from your house for three hours on a night that you have the girls and you don't give up your time with the girls unless like it's nearly an emergency. And you had to have your mom come to the house to watch them so you could do this. And it was nine, it was a nine month commitment. And so I looked at it and was like, he's, he is serious about this. And so the odds of him actually growing and learning are probably pretty good because he's not, he's not effing around. And that was the seed that made me go, maybe I'll reach back out and see, like let me do a little temperature check over there. Let me see if it's gotten a little healthy on that side of the fence. It was that knowing if you weren't in a program, if you weren't really seriously working on yourself, there is absolutely no way on earth I would have returned back to where we were at because it was that unhealthy. And I knew that. - Yeah. And I wanna be clear about the unhealthy of it. And like we said, it was a net negative. And that was unhealthy. It was the time that we spent together, wasn't connection, it wasn't uplifting, it was working on the relationship to a point of exhaustion, but spinning the tires. It was never finding solutions, it was never finding, it was never being seen by one another in the experience. And being like, okay, like we didn't know how to repair. So we went through conflict and then we went through hours of attempt to repair, without ever repair. It's like your car breaks down and you spend hours on the road trying to repair it, but you never do. And then you keep getting in the same car and turning on the engine and it doesn't run. And you're like, what are we doing here? So when you reach back out, there was things that I was able to say to you that helped you see that I was starting to be able to repair the car. I was starting to be able to see you and witness your experience more and hold space for that experience. And I don't wanna speak for you, how was it? When you reach back out, how did you know that I had made enough change where it would feel safe to jump back in? - It wasn't immediate, that I knew. It was like, okay, let's just like, let's see. So I remember we hung out a bit and when we hung out and it was good, it was always good. It was the first time we got into a conflict and you handled it way different than you had before. Not perfectly, but different than before. And I went, oh. - The work is working. - Oh, something shifted here. Whoa. And I was like, that's great. If he keeps that up, like, I could, this could be good for us. This could be promising. I still at that point after like the first one. or two was not looking in the mirror, but I was like, he might do the work to save this. And so yeah, it was actually seeing a difference. Nothing you could have said to me would have changed anything other than watching you handle something you used to not handle well. Well. I felt that too. And then I would say for the next three months, so then we decided to try again and date. And you didn't just jump back in with the girls. We were kind of like seeing each other and taking space and going slower at this rate. And then there was a point in time where I was like, hey, I know this work is working for me. Like I was about six months into the course at this point. I was like, I know I see the results. I feel them. I can feel and conflict that you're struggling. And I basically said to you, I was like, I don't see a future if you don't do work like this too. Like if you can't learn your own defensiveness, if you can't see and learn some of these skills and language that I'm using and be able to handle conflicts better, I can carry the weight, you know, 80% of the time. But when I can't, I need your help and I need you to do something too. And then that's when you signed up for the woman's version. Yeah. And I remember that conversation. And what I'll say that you did well was you waited to say that long enough to where I actually was starting to realize that I wasn't showing up as well. Because I think it was a, what was it like six months before you said that. And so there had been enough situations that came up where you were handling it better than me that I was started. I wasn't saying it out loud because my ego was not about to do that, but I was kind of going, oh, shit. He is handling this better and I'm not. And there was part of me that was like, this is good. He's handling it better. But I don't want to be the problem. I don't want to be not pulling my weight. And so when you said that to me. I was already starting to go, oh, okay, maybe I need to like do some work on myself because I was watching you. And I was also pretty inspired by you. I'll add that to that watching someone actually really work on themselves and show up better is inspiring. And I was like, well, if he could do that, I'm sure I could work on myself too. And then. Oh, sorry. I was like, the neighbor is walking up with our dog. So this is Bay Angel. I forgot to close the gate this morning in Banjo. He's an escape artist. Yeah. Well, it's my fault. We love the gate that I've been. Why do I keep doing that when I get back from the girls? You coming, you go a lot. Yeah. Now that you're going to the gym every morning. Yeah, I just forgot. So it's our neighbor pulling up with their dog. Oh, my gosh. So you were saying how inspired you were about me? Oh, my gosh. I was actually. Yeah. So I guess jumping back in, I was. I was, yeah, when you said to me, hey, I think you need to do this work too. And I actually think the way you word it, it you said, I'll date you forever, but I'm not marrying you until you do this work. It's actually what you said. And I was like, oh, like, yeah, because it's to share a life and all that and finances and like be able to have the conversation. How old sin, yes. And you being a stepmom to the girls, like I could only trust that level of bringing you in. If I knew that you could emotionally hold space for all that, it's a lot. Yeah. And at the moment, it hurt a bit in hearing that, but ultimately, I respected it because you valued yourself enough to say, hey, I'm becoming someone that deserves more. And if you want to be that amazing, I want to do life with you. If you don't, that's okay, but I don't want to progress our relationship and matter respect. How it hurt because I wasn't out of place where you were like, oh, I just want to get down on one knee and be with you forever, right? Like that's what ultimately that's the dream, but that wasn't the reality. And I respected that you were willing to say that. Yeah, because I understand the fantasy of wanting to be loved for who you are and wanting to be somebody to be like, I'm your perfect and you're the perfect person for me. But no one is perfect and we're all on a growth path. And you know, some people, I guess, don't believe that. Some people are like, no, I'm where I want to be and I'm going to be this version for the next 40, 50 years of my life. Personally, I had opened my eyes up to the fact that I don't want to be the same version of me. Or if I'm the same person 40 years from now, that means I didn't use that 40 years correctly to invest in myself and grow and mature. Like I should mature over time. Like I had kind of opened my eyes up to this, this emotional maturity growth path and how that affects relationships and relationship dynamics and all that. And I wanted, I knew at that point that if we're going to go all in together, I needed you to see that too. So I remember you being hesitant to take the class though and like do the personal work. I remember there's this like leap. No hesitation on wanting to work on myself. I was like, I'm not going to work on myself. I'm not going to work on myself. Once I started learning those skills, I was like oh this is the only way I want to do relationship. I don't want to do relationship any other way than this. And so if you wanted to move the relationship further, I. this is where I wanted to go. And I was really serious about that. Yeah, when you talk about the skills that you needed to learn, that you weren't learning in therapy, but you learned. learned in the course and not just the course. You learned because we've read hundreds of books and podcasts. Yeah, tons of stuff now. And courses on courses and courses after that course. But what would you say are the skills that you learned or tools, whatever you want to call it, that you feel like shifted our relationship the most? Understanding what a trigger is and how to address it in the moment for myself. That's the single. That's the home run one. Like understanding how to address my own triggers without your support necessarily. I can ask for it. But without a therapist because I don't always have a therapist when it's a 10 p.m. And we're going to bed and one of us is triggered or I'm triggered and I want to blame you for everything. So understanding my triggers, understanding proper expectations and how to set clear expectations, understanding how to vocalize what I want and need in a relationship. Proper use of boundaries, how to set boundaries, but how to respect boundaries as well. That's huge. When you don't set boundaries and expect them to be respected, you often don't respect other people's boundaries, which is a deal breaker. It will kill any connection. And then I would say outside of the first course, I took what I've learned a lot about since then is polarity and understanding polarity in our chemistry and how that impacts the dynamic too because whether we like it or not, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy is a huge part of relationship and understanding it, understanding my own desire and how to relate to you in that way is huge because so often somebody is not getting their needs met and they just blame the other person for that need not being met. And so those are all big ones. I mean, I could go on and on. There's so many more, but I'm trying to think of like another, there's probably one more big one. Oh, defensiveness, understanding defensiveness and how to validate your experience. I think that so often in relationship, our own perspective and our own view kind of differs from our partners view. And then the wider that gets, the wider that gets between connection, if you have two people living different experiences and they can't relate those experiences to one another, you'll lose any relationship. That that's common with friendships and stuff too. So all those tools and understanding what those are and how to implement them and how to how I personally affect all those and how you affect all those like when you got so going back to the story, when you signed up and you took the course, I was able to build trust with you now. You built trust with me because of the work I had done. But then when you started doing the work, I built trust back with you. And then we got to a point where we hit different roadblocks and now we know what to do. Now at that point in time, when we were together for six months, the whole thing like maybe like a year when we had our first year together or a year and a half, when we ran into a roadblock, it was like, oh, let's go read a book. Let's go, like I'll read a book, I'll read this book. And then I mean, after that, I was just like, I'm going to wake up at 5 a.m. every day and read books in the morning before work. Well, this is paying off. If you saw where we were at, to how fast things changed. Yeah. And fast being, it was a nine month program. Yeah. And we were still doing work after that and patient with each other in that process being a key, but to really, I would say in a year span, completely changed our relationship, which also completely changed our lives. Totally. Because relationship work is not just for you and your partner. Who do you have a relationship more with your partner relationship with yourself? So I was changing my beliefs about myself and who I am and how I show up in the world as a byproduct. I was also changing the relationship that I had with friends and with family and with co-workers and with my boss and with the girls. Oh my gosh. The girls with my kids got better. Yeah. Which that I mean, I'm, you only get to raise kids while they're in your heart like, you know. Well, and they'll actually say there was daddy before class and daddy after class. If you, if you asked them about it and they'll enjoy roasting before class daddy for you if you ask them, they have a great time doing that. Yeah. I'm more dad than daddy now these days. Yeah. I was daddy for a while. No daddy's going to lead. No, it's bad. Yeah. That's really sad. I know. But all of that to say, when you're watching this work ripple effect and it's literally changing every aspect of your life, for us, we went, how do we not want to do this? Everything, the more we do this, the better it gets. And then we were kind of like, I would actually say too, it would, it changed me a lot spiritually as well through this work, my relationship with God completely changed for the better. And so when you find something that impacts your life for the better, to such a high degree, it was like, yeah, let's just keep learning. Let's keep growing. And then once we got to a place where we were, had grown and had changed so much and we looked in the mirror and we were like, I don't even know this version of us, but I'm happy to be here. And we went, well, shit, if we can do this, anyone can do this. We were so far gone. We're so far gone. Like the, not, I mean, I'm sure there's people who are more, there are people who struggle with like, you know, addictions and like they're, and we weren't struggling with that necessarily. But we were coping. I was drinking still a lot. Like it doesn't, it's not about that, but we were struggling really badly in our relationship and our dynamic to the point where we couldn't be together. And, and so I knew as like if we got here, it's so possible for others to you and not everyone that does this work goes on the level of, okay, now I want to read every book about it and learn about it. And this becomes my passion and my purpose. And I'm going to teach it for a living to others. But if it just affects your relationship enough, like even if we were to stop that one year and just kind of worked on ourselves from there, it would have improved the quality of the time we spent any vacation we went on. I don't want to like make one big sales pitch for the work, but it's, it really did just raise the quality of our life so much. Anything else about this story we want to get into? Like I know we get so many questions on, you know, how long was it? So it was six weeks. Another random question we get asked a lot is did we see other people during that period? Oh, yeah. That one gets asked a lot. I don't know. No, no, no, I think we were both in a, I was honestly to, I was too depressed, I would say like I was too sad to even think about dating and that's not really dating other men isn't how I cope personally, so that wasn't appealing to me. Like I wasn't back on the apps or trying to like find ways to, to date. And I think I typically would have been up until, yeah, until you, I would have been immediately, that would have been how I would have coped for sure, like dating other people immediately, trying to fill that void that is now replaced looking for validation in some way. But that time was different because I now credit because I was in that course because I stayed in it. I was like, this is the finally I'm going to do the work. And I also get, I get asked a question a lot like, like why didn't you do this work when you were in your divorce? You know, I get quite asked that all the time and I would say one, I just, I didn't know about it. Like I didn't know into I wasn't ready. I hadn't, I wasn't ready to evolve in that way. Like so there was just wasn't a thing like I, you can only go at the pace you can go at in life. And so, you know, when you are, if, if you're a person, because I get this question a lot from women who are like, why won't he do the work for me? Why, why, like what made you do the work? Why won't he, if he is not ready to do the work, then he's not going to do it and he's not ready for the relationship you want. Like I did the work and you weren't. And then I proposed to you like, hey, I'm doing this work, do you want to do it too and come on this ride with me? You could have said no. And I shouldn't take that personally, you know? And I think that's the problem that we get in a lot of times where most commonly I'd say it's a woman who's doing the work and then the man chooses not to. And she's like, anything I do isn't going to get him to like step up to the plate and work on himself and that why won't he do that for me? Like this isn't fair. This isn't like the value I've invested so much in him. Why won't he do this? And if a man is not ready to do the work, he's not going to do the work. Well, I think you hit it when you said the question is always why won't he or she do it for me? And the answer is because it's not for you. It's for them. They have to want it. You didn't do the work for me. You did it for you. And I didn't do it for you. I did it for me. Yeah. And if someone doesn't want to do it for themselves, like as much as I love you, I don't love you more than I love me. No offense. I am my number one. I have to look out for me. I need that to be the case. Right. And so if I'm going to change my life, I'm not going to change my life for another person. I'm going to change my life because I recognize my life is worth changing. That's a big shift that not people's people don't see though. They don't as much as they might agree with that. Like a lot of people would be that might even trigger them that statement of, I love you, but I love myself more would trigger a lot of people in relationship. Like they want to be loved more than themselves because they're still looking for that parent, that unconditional type of love. That's like love me first. You should put your needs aside for me. A parent does, I put my needs aside for the girls, but partnership is different. Like you're an adult, I'm an adult. As our mentors would say, you're a full-time job. I'm a full-time job. Like we each have our own jobs. I can support you, but I can't let go of my post. I can't leave my post to carry your weight. I got to take care of mine and then I can carry yours better if I become strong enough. I can support you more, but we have to hold our own first. We have to get up in the morning, go to work, do the things we need to do, and then we can support each other in life. But we don't expect somebody to love us more than they even love themselves. That's a love that is self-abandonment, and that's going to harm you every single time. It's going to lead to resentment and all these other things. I want to get back to it. If a man doesn't do the work, it's because he's not ready to do it. He's not ready to prioritize it. Something that I wanted to bring up before was you don't have to spend thousands and thousands of dollars necessarily. You just need to take it seriously. But what does that mean? That means I had told myself for years that I couldn't afford the personal work. I couldn't afford, I was in therapy because it was a copay, but I couldn't afford some of these people that I knew could probably help me or knew I knew they had knowledge I didn't have. I couldn't afford it, but yet I bought an icon pass every single year for a thousand dollars and would spend thousands of dollars going on trips to the mountain and buying snowballs. If you're not in California, that's a snowboarding pass. Yeah, I could afford my hobbies. I wouldn't, and I would even say that's my, just like that is my mental health. My hobbies, my vacate, a lot of people say it's like, my mental health is a vacation every year. It's like, that's great. That's where you're at. I respect it. No, you don't need to grow if you don't want to, but if you want to change things, you have to change the way you do things, which I, that was the shift I made. I couldn't afford my icon pass now because I invested in myself. I couldn't afford it this year, and I couldn't afford some of the trips I wanted to take this year to the mountain because I invested in another program this year to be a somatic practitioner. Like, I, it's just different now. I invested in me before I invested my hobbies. My hobbies aren't going to yield a return. And you have to start realizing that, like, if you put yourself in accountability groups, if you put yourself in programs and coaching, and you do things that are in investment into you and are going to yield, they're going to change your identity and change the way you view yourself. Then you're starting to give yourself something that's going to nourish your body, nourish your mind, and invest for it. Like, even reading a book can do that, you know, if you really take it seriously, but most people are just going to stay in the same cycle. And if you're dating a guy who's going to stay in the same cycle, then he's probably not going to change unless he shows you that with his pocket book or with his commitment and his time. If you're a guy who wants to prove that you've changed to the woman, you have to do something different. You have to. The guys that I work with that are like, I signed up for a 12-week coaching program with this guy. They go back and they tell the girl that even if they're broken up, the girl goes, "Huh, I'm going to check in with him in 12 weeks. I'll see it in maybe in six weeks where he's at." Like, that was in the back of your head and that seed, even though we were broken up permanently, no contact, that seed is what I believe made you reach out. Well, it was this. This is like a little silly kind of embarrassing. I'm giggling as I say it. The thought in my mind was he's committed enough to change that he's going to happen. He's going to do it. He's investing the money, he's investing the time, he's taking it seriously. So I can either wait it out and get that version of him or the next girl will. And I just, with the rate, with the intensity you were willing to do the work, I didn't really see it as like, he's just not going to, nothing's going to change. You were dead set on it. So you felt that confidence. I felt that confidence and went, okay, so should I let the next girl have him or should I try to keep the, like my options were basically wait and see if you were going to make the changes and get that new version of you or go back into the dating pool, which my gosh feels like a SEST pool because I was 33 and this is all going down. 33 when this is going down. And so I'd been in that SEST no offense to anyone in it. Oh, dating is so rough. I'd been in that world for so long and not that there are good people who are in the dating pool, but it's hard being in the dating pool. And I knew what the options were. I think it's less hard when you've done the work though, because you can see, you kind of can read signs better, you can see things clearer. I was no longer afraid of going back in the dating pool as the new version of me. And when you know you're a catch, the dating pool is not so scary. Well, I have a whole other, I have a whole episode's worth of thoughts on that. So I won't go fully into that. I think that there's a difference of that with them. We also have a minute, so we gotta wrap. Yeah, so I'll leave it at there. Maybe we'll save my thoughts on the dating pool for another episode. However, well, so that's the breakup story. If you have any questions, you can always ask us, we love, I say, we love talking about it. Yeah, one of us really love talking about our breakup. We it's very clear who that person is. I think that it is relatable. I think that so many people have this story and they're so afraid to talk about it. And if you're there and you're struggling, in that season, like we get it, we were there. There is hope. You don't ever have to feel like you need to work with us. Like we're not trying to push ourselves on anyone. We just want people in others hope. And if you are looking for somebody to guide you, we would love to help you. But yeah, you can check out our information, our resources, and you can reach out anytime. If you need support, we know what it's like to need it. And there is so much hope and help if you are struggling. Yeah, our hearts with you if that's where you're at. And we're on the other side of it. And you will get there too. Mm-hmm. Should we get some life updates? We should get to some life updates. It's starting to dawn on me that my 40th is coming. Oh, yeah. It is coming. Mm-hmm. It's less than three months away. And we don't have any plans yet. I have to start thinking about what I want to do. You asked me that the other day. I have no idea yet. I need to think about this. To be honest, that's stressful. me out just a little bit because I feel a little like as your wife like I want to properly celebrate your 40th and I'm a planner and a prepper and so I'm like man I wish I could already be on like if we're doing a trip I want to plan in the trip if we're doing a party I want to be playing in the party if it's a campsite I want to book to like whatever it is I want to be on it and I'm trying to be very patient in letting you sift through ah not even sift through feel through what it is that you feel called for for your 40th yeah I think what would feel supportive there for me a couple things I can help you with taking the burden off like it's not your responsibility and the the lack of time that I give you to plan will like impact what we can do and I know that so I have to feel into what I really want to do and until I decide what would kind of be right then you're kind of off the hook and then once I say I would like to do this I could use support in maybe planning it or something but I threw on the table the other day a solo trip which like so I'm just like sorting through ideas I think I need to have a deadline of when I decide probably like by the end of the month or something but then April so we have two months to plan I have no idea yet and I'm if I if I missed the opportunity I mean I it doesn't have to be on my birthday like we could go somewhere a month later for in the like it's not a big deal you know so I'm not tripping on like oh it has to be on my birthday we'll figure it out but it is dawning on me like oh shoot this is coming up I'm gonna I don't know why it's a it's a it feels big like monumental yeah like you only I think it's a significant birthday yeah it's a time it's just a time stamp there it's what you make of it right like the perspective you hold towards it but it's definitely something it's not weighing on me I'm excited for my 40s I'm actually really stoked for my 40s I've I'm in like a 4 to this but it's just now it's here now it's coming it's 40s is kind of 40s is just a decade that is pretty impactful so yeah I think it's gonna be the best decade I really feel that for you yeah the 30s was pretty great the first part was a little rough because we were that was like the story that we just said but then the second part has been fantastic 20s was rough my 20s were rough is your divorce in your 20s your 30s it was early 30s I just turned 30 when it was like kicking off yeah brutal so the first half of my 30s was the first few years of my 30s was pretty rough yep that's just pondering my 40 pondering my 40s decade my my fourth decade or is it my fifth my fifth decade going on going on fifth decade oh that feels different I think that's why it's a big deal right yeah yeah well thank you all so much for listening I hope that this episode this week just really resonated with those that needed to hear it and just want to say thanks for listening and if you need us please feel free to reach out and we'll catch you all next week love you guys love you so much bye bye