EP. 1: STOP FIGHTING Your ADHD Brain: The UNEXPECTED Path to Success No One's Talking About | ADHD with Jenna Free

(upbeat music) Hello and welcome to the first episode of ADHD with Jennifer. We are here to kick things off by talking about a really unique encounter and intuitive approach to ADHD. If you have follow me on social media, welcome, I'm happy to be in a place where we can talk about this more and more in depth. And if you're brand new, hello. I'm so happy you're here. So to kick things off, I am going to go into my theory and approach in this episode. That might sound dry, but this is really important because it is going to have you starting to think about ADHD differently. This is quite a unique approach. You probably haven't heard these ideas before or at least not in this way. And that's gonna be really important to lay the foundation of you being able to live well with ADHD because right now you may be thinking, ADHD is this brain difference, which it is. It comes with this host of symptoms that are honestly at times very debilitating, very stressful, hopeless sometimes. And we just get this list of symptoms. And to deal with it, I think we see them as like individual symptoms. Okay, gotta deal with time blindness. I have to deal with working memory, exhibit A. I have to deal with paralysis and overwhelming. And just like 30 plus symptoms. And as someone who's overwhelmed, I have to figure out how to deal with all these symptoms. Typically the approach we're given is a band-aid approach, I would say. Timers, tools, strategies, any external supports. If that's all we're doing, that's a band-aid approach. Right, we're not actually looking at what is, what is something I can work on a little bit deeper to change the way I function. I am all about transformation. I want to help you do work internally, mentally, physically with your nervous system, with your body, so that you go about life in a different way. It does not have to be this hard. And I'm not here to share calendars, timers, tools, and apps and hacks, tips, tricks to get you out of that 'cause that is only keeping you afloat. And I think that's really where we have a problem with ADHD in the messaging right now, is hey, ADHD is the only thing you get is a life raft. Well, it was little booze, you get a little pair of water wings. You're barely keeping it above water, but hey, you're not drowning. So be grateful. I don't believe that's how it has to be. And I've seen in my own experience, been with hundreds of my clients, it can get so much better than that. You can get your feet firmly on the ground. You start walking. You do not have to be exerting all your energy, just keeping your head above water. So let's dive into the approach. I come from what I call a lens of dysregulation, meaning I am assuming that you, a person with ADHD, and me in the past and my client's that I work with. And every ADHD I've ever met are in fight or flight. This is not your fault, this is not a choice, this is not something you honestly really even have control over when you're not aware of it. We can work on it once we're aware of it, but to this point, you have probably put a label on what you're experiencing, this is ADHD. Now I got to deal with it. And we've been told this is good as it gets. And so you just have to cope. But I have seen that yes, we have ADHD, we have a brain difference, it's very real, very real. You're gonna have that forever. There isn't anything we can do about it. And I think that is where we get hopeless. Right? It's like well, my brain is structurally and chemically different. What am I gonna do about that? I get that. But when we are struggling when we have ADHD, I have seen and I've never met someone who isn't, we also are in fight or flight or dysregulated. I use those terms interchangeably. So we have these two problems stacked on top of each other. And if you look at the symptoms of being in fight or flight in ADHD, they are very shockingly similar. So of course, those blend all together. We think, oh, this is just ADHD, but there's two problems going on. We have two things we are dealing with. And I'm gonna reword that because I don't think ADHD is a problem. It's simply a difference. We have two things we're dealing with. One, being a brain difference. Two, being because we have a brain difference, we have been triggered into fight or flight. And what is fight or flight? Being dysregulated or being in fight or flight means your nervous system, your brain, the primal part of you, we are still animals, is believing that it is in life-threatening danger. And for eight each year, we are typically in the state chronically. So your system believes when you have a psychological stress like along to do less, like overwhelm, like pressure from a deadline, like needing to vacuum your floor where you can come from anything. Our body goes, oh my God, we're about to get eaten by a bear. And I know that might sound dramatic, but that is how intense the system is perceiving our psychological stress. Typically in modern times, our stress is psychological. It's things we're thinking about. It's not actual imminent life-threatening danger in the room, but our body is behind the times. Our system, there's subconscious and our nervous system, are functioning from a primal place. And that's great. In some instances, we really want to be in fight or flight. If you are in imminent life-threatening danger, I want you to go into fight or flight, right? The long form of that being fight, flight, freeze bond. So these are the four ways that a body can go into this kind of defensive, dysregulated state where we're like, okay, I'm gonna protect myself against this imminent life-threatening danger. Fight would be obviously in sort of aggression, defensiveness, irritability, impatience. And I'm sure you have felt that a lot as an age-dier I did in the past. It'd still do a little bit, but nothing compared to what it used to be when I was in that chronic fighter flight state. Flight avoidance, procrastination. I know I talked to a lot of people who were like, oh, I had an appointment, I missed it. Even though I wanted to go back, I never went back 'cause I avoid the conflict, avoid the perceived threat, even though it's not serving me. You might avoid paying your bills 'cause they should dysregulate you, right? Avoidance. Three is freeze, we know paralysis well. I want you to start thinking of paralysis like deer in the headlights, oh my God, I'm about to die, so I gotta stand here very still so the predator doesn't get me. Not, I'm lazy. It's not, oh my gosh, I have no energy. It is, your body is in a state of, I don't know what to do. I feel we are in life-threatening danger, so I will simply stay still and not move. And then we have fun. This is one that's often missed. Fun is people pleasing, making sure everyone's needs are met before your own, not feeling okay unless everyone around you is okay. Saying yes to things you have no business saying yes to. Overcommitting. No, we don't follow through and then we beat ourselves up about it. That is fun. All four of those instances and tendencies are your body trying to survive. It's not a horrible brain. It's not a horrible nervous system. It's not a horrible body. It simply is not communicating very accurately with the outside world. It thinks one thing is happening, one another thing is happening. It thinks you're getting chased by a bear when really just have emails to write that you don't want to write. And I know, I know right now you might be like, that seems silly, but that is the power of our primal self, our subconscious, our nervous system, our brain. My favorite example of that, is a little more tangible in real life for me, is I once went to this virtual reality place. You go and you can go with your friends and you play a game and you have the goggles on and everything. And I was in this like just the square flat room. And I knew where I was, right? My conscious mind is aware that I'm safe. I'm just in a simple little room. I can't fall, even if I fall, I just fall on the floor. Like it's not a big deal. But there was a part in the game with the goggles and I've never done it before. It is very real, feels very real. Where it looked like I was walking across this vent on the side of a building. So if I was real, like very likely that I would die. So I'm standing there trying to continue on with the game. You think I can move my legs? My conscious mind knew. I know I'm safe. But my system, my eyeballs were perceiving danger. And it made me like a deer in the headlights. I was frozen. That is what paralysis is. And it's not inevitable. I have not had true paralysis of life, right? I had paralysis in that instance. Because I didn't care about virtual reality. I'm not invested in it. I'm probably never going to go back again. I just lifted my goggles up, walked forward, put them back down and carried on with the game. But when this was happening, to me in real life, paralysis a lot and for long periods of time, that is something we can rewire and get out of. I have not experienced paralysis in a good year and a half, where I used to have like weeks where I could literally get off the couch. So we can get out of it. That's the key here. This is a hopeful message, not a hopeless message. The paralysis is not just your ADHD brain and there's nothing you can do about it. This is you being tipped over into fight or flight and becoming a deer in the headlights. So with this philosophy, with this approach, I am saying, hey, ADHD isn't actually really your problem. Being in fight or flight is your problem and that's a problem we can solve. That's what's so cool. That's what's really exciting. And that's why I'm so passionate about this work and I'm so excited you're here along for the ride. This will truly change your life. It is not instant, right? The dysregulated brain, you probably are in fight or flight and I want you to start getting okay with that, getting comfortable with that. I'm not trying to offend you. I'm not trying to be insulting. Your nervous system and subconscious and brain and these parts of your body that you do not have a choice over are in a state of, oh my god, everything's dangerous. I just have to survive. Like, let's just not drown today. That's not an insult. That's just probably how it is. And awareness around that and acceptance of that is going to allow us to do something about it to get out of fight or flight and find any way to be regulated. That's the word. So it's right now you might be dysregulated or in fight or flight and our goal is to get you regulated, which I call in the flow. It's this balance. So instead of being in this pattern of fight or flight where we have overwhelm and paralysis and frantic energy and rushing and intensity and oh my god, if someone should do, if someone should do, I got to go, go, go, go, go, go, and then we crash and then back up to this fight or flight. Oh my god, oh my god, there's so much to do. I have to get going. I have to get going. The body cannot live in that state long term. Nobody can, maybe each to your otherwise. So you will crash whether that just be out and exhausted. That could be when you go to work, you're kind of in that fight or flight because there's that intensity and pressure. And so you go, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, there's so much to do when you're frantic and intense at work and then you get home. Can't even cook dinner. Can't even microwave anything and you're eating chips and then going to bed or stay up very late. It's a whole nother story. We will work on that eventually. And then going to bed. So we want to get out of that intense cycle and I will have an image in the show notes that kind of explained that pattern, that frantic crash cycle that we get in when we are dysregulated. And then we want to shift to being more in the flow as I call it, meaning between those two in the middle ground. Flow, I want you to think of like a river, little ripples there, right? There's ups and downs. We're not becoming these regulated robots. We're still going to have feelings. We're going to still going to have good days, bad days, days where we have more energy days where we're kind of, right? I'm not like perfect all the time where this like robot that never fluctuates, but I'm not being tipped up into overwhelm and paralysis. Sometimes overwhelm, I'll like touch overwhelm and I can come back down. It's kind of like the overwhelm to paralysis pipeline. If you are not regulating, you will get pushed into that for many people. So we get in the flow, which is a much more, oh my clients were, I was like, I always hear you in my brain, Jenna and I go, that's how we live like, I'm going to go do this thing, but I'm going to go do that thing. That's the sustainability we want, right? This sustainable kind of more relaxed, but moving energy like a stream. We're not stagnant and stuck in paralysis and perfectionism and all this stagnant things that we can get stuck in when we're dysregulated. But we also don't want to be in this frantic state like we're falling over a waterfall. Like, oh my god, oh my god, there's so much to do. We're finding the middle ground. And I know right now as someone with ADHD who's been dysregulated probably for decades, you're like, well, that's just not how I am. I thrive on chaos. When I'm frantic and busy busy busy and go go and rushing, that's when I get things done. I know that is because you are in bite or flight. And that's the only time we get things done. When your alternative is the crash, yes, the frantic works. But if the alternative is the flow, I promise you it's much more pleasant. So what I really love about regulation work and I hope you're buying in the more you're hearing about this and able to continue on with me. I'm going to read for the list because I working memories still a thing for me. But we can get a reduction in symptoms without having to individually deal with or cope with each symptom. And here's just a handful of things that are going to get better automatically. If you're more regulated, you don't have to actively work on these things. They're just going to happen. Overwhelmed paralysis, enjoyment and happiness, waiting mode, distractability, rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria or RSD, impatience and irritability, tense muscles and headaches, decision paralysis, not being able to prioritize, brain fog, time management, time blindness, procrastination, anxiety, burnout, task initiation. All of that, you are going to feel a difference and your behavior is just going to change because you're getting out of fight or flight. And that's the kind of work that I'm all about is transformation, not white, knuckling it. So we can work really hard. Right? I can try really hard not to procrastinate and put like rules in and force myself. That will never last. That takes well power. That takes effort. You will eventually, right? Think of your hands holding something really tight. You will eventually have to release what I love about regulation work. Being regulated takes a lot less energy than being dysregulated. Yes, we have to put some conscious effort into getting there. And that's what we do in the work that I do with people in my EDG groups. On this podcast, that's what we'll be talking about on social media, at EDG with Jenna free. This is what we do. But once you're regulated, it's like you've been holding on this whole time. It's like you have been treading water so hard just to keep your head above water. And it takes work to get to land. Yes. But once we're on land, you can just sit there and chill. That's what life feels like when you're regulated. Oh, I don't have to exert energy just existing. It doesn't take all my energy just to convince myself to get in the shower. I don't have to ramp up to do a task for an hour and be exhausted by the time I even start. No, you can live in a place. Where you feel okay, just existing and then you go from there. So dysregulation is having us existing in a place of fear. Oh my god, oh my god. That's okay. That's okay. I have to do this to be okay and have to do that to be okay. Oh my god. There's so much to do and that's a rada. Regulation is like, oh, I'm good. What you are. I know right now you might be thinking, but I'm not. But I'm talking literally you are probably physically safe right now and that I am making an assumption. Maybe not every single person is, but if you're spending time listening to a podcast, you probably are not an imminent life threat and danger. Maybe you're out for a walk, maybe you're driving in the car, maybe you're walking around your house or laying in bed trying to go to sleep. You are okay. You are safe right now and we can get your body to become an alignment with that reality. You're okay. And then you just get to live in that. I'm like, oh, I'm fine. And now what? What do I want? What's so cool about regulation work is as native each deer going from fighter flight or dysregulated to regulated, your motivators are going to naturally change. When we're in fighter flight, your motivators are fear, shame, guilt, urgency. That's what Quomku works when we're in fighter flight because it just imitates that bear chasing us. Oh my god, I'm getting chased by the bear. So the brain will create a bear to chase you to get you moving. But think about if you were in the forest getting chased by a bear. Once that bear is gone, you think you're going to be motivated to keep on hiking? No. You're going to find a hole to sleep in. And have a break because you're worried about when that bear is going to come back again, you need energy. That is why when we are in fighter flight, yes, that fear, shame, guilt, urgency, work short term. It does give you that burst and get the bear chasing you in the forest. If a bear is coming up at you, you are going to all of a sudden have a big burst of energy. But it doesn't last. And you can see even in that like analogy, it's this burst of intensity crash, burst of intensity crash. That is not going to get you what you want out of life. You're not going to enjoy anything because when we're in fighter flight, you are going to just be focused on survival. You are living not to die. So you're going to be focused on today. You're going to be focused on comfort. You're going to be focused on feeling okay right now, which may include scrolling, food, substance use, spending, right? All these things suit this regulation. So we're going to talk about that stuff as we go go along on our journey. journey of how do we get these things under control? Because they're typically compulsive, right? You don't want to be scrolling that much. You don't want to be spending that much. You don't want to be using substances, perhaps. Of course, I'm not going to do too much into that, but that can definitely be a tool we use to comfort our dysregulation. So when we're in that fear-based motivator, we're not going to function well. The definition of regulate is to control the rate or speed of a machine. Technically, it's in the definition so that it operates properly. That's what we want to do with ourselves. We want to get not in the frantic state and not in the stuck bog down state. We want this middle ground, this nice rate and speed of living life so we can operate properly. And I don't mean operate like a neurotypical person. That's a very different thing. I have ADHD. I'm the therapist for ADHD and I have ADHD. And it's why I do this work. It's why I've made these connections. It's why I can kind of speak to you from a place where you're probably like, oh my gosh, you're speaking right to me because that's me. But when we're regulated, we are going to be able to tap into our positive motivators or what I would call like pole motivators, which are much more sustainable. Meaning, oh, I'm okay. Right, you're kind of getting to this place of safety realizing, oh, I'm fine as I am. I'm okay, I'm safe. What do I want? And what I find so interesting as someone who used to be fueled by fear, shame, urgency and guilt, I know that rush, that feeling, and that feels like it works, quote unquote. But actually, when you are regulated and feeling okay, the concern there might be, I'm gonna be alone put along that never does anything, but I will tell you, I have achieved more in my life overall in the past two years of being regulated than I did in the previous seven, where I was also self-employed, I had a very similar lifestyle, but I was getting nowhere. And it was still a good life. I still did a lot of great things, but the difference of being dysregulated and being regulated has been quite shocking. And the coolest part about it is it's easier. I'm working less hard because I'm from this place of safety going, okay, I'm fine. And I want to build a coaching business. And I want clean clothes, I'm gonna put them in the laundry. And what do I want, right? You are pulled by the things you desire and want, instead of being shoved by the things you're afraid of and just trying to run away from the fear. That's much more sustainable. It isn't as intense, right? The bare chasing you is going to be more powerful, quote unquote, for short bursts than, you know, the desire to get to the top of the mountain to see the view for going deep in this forest analogy. But if you want to live a life where it feels more like a nice enjoyable hike instead of a sprint and then a crash and a sprint and a crash, we're gonna see that those positive motivators, they last though. Like I've been doing this work for almost two years now, consistently, I'm able to show up every single day. I have not experienced paralysis in building this business and building this work because I am regulated. And I only ever share about myself to show you what is possible and to get you to buy it. A very important part of doing regulation work and the ADHD reset, which is kind of my approach and the tools that I use in my ADHD groups, it's so important to buy in because if part of you is resistant, which absolutely will be, and that's why I work with people in my group setting is because we have to work through those barriers and through that resistance because it'll be there. For some, they will hear this stuff connect and it's just like, they're clicked in and they're off and they're seeing huge results right away. So even just from my social media, I've had people comment being like, "Just your insights have helped me so much." But other people need more. It's like, "Ah, there's something like I'm not able to enact this in my life consistently because there's probably a barrier, there's probably resistance." And that's really normal. Your system has been in a place of, "I'm in danger, we gotta run." That might be mentally, right? Might still be someone who's more in paralysis and in the stuck feeling, but mentally you're running, right? Oh my God, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do later? There's so much I have to do. So just realize it doesn't mean you're physically rushing, you might just be mentally in that space. Your system has been in fight or flight for probably your whole life. And so to tell it, okay, we're just gonna decide that we're safe now and relax. Beliefs are still gonna be very ingrained. Lots of them can be subconsciously to realize you have them that are going to push against this work. Part of you that's wanting to survive and afraid to trust this work is going to push back. So you may, listen to the podcast and go, "Oh, I really agree with that cognitively consciously. I understand that." But why isn't it happening in my days? Why am I not able to implement it? There is likely some things under the surface, whether it be just your nervous system, dysregulation, thoughts, beliefs, patterns, things that are happening that are fighting with that dysregulation and preventing it from you getting in the group with it. That's normal. That's totally how it probably will be. And that's why we're gonna keep working at it together in whatever capacity you choose. This does take a bit of effort. This does take some grappling and some experimenting. What I do love about this work though, this is homework free, meaning there's no worksheets you need to fill out to do this work 'cause this is internal work. This is more about awareness, changing your perspective, seeing things from a new angle, and then contemplating things as you go through your day. So this episode is really about you seeing things differently. And as we go through our journey together, I will talk about specifically of how do I identify dysregulation? What do I do about it? How do I see it differently? What can I action? We will get there, but today is just about wrapping your head around, wait, maybe it's not the ADHD that I'm struggling with. Maybe it's something different 'cause you do need to bring that awareness to the top. I kinda call it like putting on your dysregulation goggles. Like I want you to see yourself through the idea of, oh am I struggling with this because I'm in fight or flight and my system feels unsafe and I'm in defense mode? Or is this ADHD? And for our time together, if you're choosing to do this work, if you're choosing to go down this path, which I really hope you do, I promise you it's worth it, I would just assume everything you're struggling with is dysregulation. Why? 'Cause that's the thing we can work on. We can't change your brain. And I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to change mine at this point. When you have a regulate an ADHD brain, it's a beautiful thing. I love the way I think. The way I think has created this approach. Right, 'cause I've made connections. And we know that about the ADHD brain. It makes connections that others might not make. It does a lot of unique ways of thinking and it can see things that other people don't see. And that is a beautiful, beautiful gift. Creativity, all of that. But that will be squashed if you are in fight or flight. So right now you might be feeling like, what, frickin' gifts? I don't see the positives of ADHD. I'm drowning, I know. But let me just plant that all seed in your brain. You are in fight or flight and that is why you are drowning not because of your brain. Your brain is awesome. But we do live in a neurotypical world that caters and assumes that all brains are neurotypical. And that is why we're in fight or flight. My theory for why every bloody ADHD or I meet and myself are in fight or flight is because we were born and everyone assumed this baby has a neurotypical brain, a brain like everyone else, right? That's just what our society does. It assumes things once we're born about many things about ourselves and that's one of them. You start growing up, you start going to school and everyone's assuming you think like everyone else. So they're treating you like everyone else. We don't know we're different, right? I always kinda had a little like, hmm, I think differently than other people. But I just thought it was my personality. But, you know, it was my ADHD brain. But many of us didn't know that in childhood. So we also are confused of like, why is everyone else seem to find this easy? And I'm having to work extra hard. We have our defenses up. We become hyper vigilant, meaning we're extra careful like that person in the forest being worried about being chased by a bear. Like, was that a leaf that rustled? Right? Other people are chilling and we're like, oh my god, I have to work extra hard for that project. Oh my god, that project's due tomorrow and I forgot. Now we gotta work really hard. And it triggers our system into a chronically dysregulated state. Being dysregulated or in fight or flight is not exclusive to each deers. Anyone can be in fight or flight. But this is why I presume that all ADHDers are in fight or flight until we do the work to get out of it. Because of this chronic, consistent jab, jab, jab little instances that have put us into fight or flight. Some people might also identify, you know, capital T trauma that put you into fight or flight. I never did. So I didn't understand that. And that's why I didn't make these connections until I understood things better once I was in grad school to become a therapist. I started to understand, you know, trauma better and how it doesn't mean one big event that was really horrible and that you would identify as trauma. It could just be these little things that happen over time that get our system into this defensive mode of like I need to protect. protect myself and work extra hard and be hyper vigilant. That is why we're here. That is why we're struggling so bad. But what's so cool, especially as an adult, I work with adults only. Maybe one day we'll translate this work for kids 'cause it would require probably a different angle. But as an adult, you have more autonomy now. You can kind of reclaim your life 'cause as a kid, we really don't have a lot of control if any, right? Some of us may have been raised by this like, use urgency, shame and fear to motivate my kid or my student. And so I'm gonna go, come on, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, why are you so lazy? Let's go, right? And now that's the voice we use to motivate ourselves 'cause we think that's how we need to be motivated. And currently that might be the case. But it doesn't have to be like that forever. It doesn't have to be this hard. And my favorite part of regulation work 'cause this work is really win-win-win. Yes, you're gonna be more productive. You're gonna be in paralysis and stuck way less often. So you're gonna have a nice cadence to life. Like I say, you do, you do, go about your day and it's much more productive 'cause you're moving along. But my most favorite part of this work is you're gonna have more enjoyment of life. You're actually gonna be here for this journey. Like this is it. Life is passing us by and we're just trying to survive. And living not to die, and they know, again, they know it sounds extreme, but that's what your system is in. If you're in fight or flight, your system is like, "Okay, let's just not die today. Let's just not die today." That is not pleasant. We need very resentful of life. So right now if you just feel resentful, like, "Oh my God, all I do is work and chores and everything's hard "and everything's just a demand." That will change when you're regulated. You actually get to enjoy the nice moments. You have more calm in your life. You soak in the experience. And what's the point of all this shit? If it's not to enjoy. Right, why are we trying to be productive? Why are we trying to check off the to-do list? If not to be happier and enjoy our lives. So we get to both with this work. And it's so, it just cats up, talking about it, 'cause it's so good. So that is the approach. I'm so excited for you to come on this ride with me. We're gonna dive in. We're gonna explore all the nuance and all the angles of this work. 'Cause it is everywhere. Disregulation is affecting everything in your life. Being in fight or flight is affecting your relationships, your work, your home, how you feel physically, and all that can change with this work. That is really exciting. So I will see you on the next episode on Monday. Can't wait to get going. Dive in. And if you wanna find me in some other places, I am on TikTok and Instagram at ADHD with Jenna Frey. And most importantly, you can download a free guide for your ADHD regulation guide of mine. It has a PDF and a video of me walking you through the PDFs. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. How to identify dysregulation? How do I start interrupting with moments of regulation? How do I begin this process with action steps? So that's a great way to do it. So you can have some visuals. So you can grab that in the show notes or ADHD with Jenna Frey.com/AHDGuide. And we will get things going. So we'll see you soon. [MUSIC PLAYING]