EP 06: Reader Question – Did I relapse in my journey through alcohol addiction?

[Music] This is Annie Grace and you're listening to this Naked Mind Podcast where without judgment, pain or rules, we explore the role of alcohol in our lives and culture. [Music] Hi friends, it's Annie Grace, author of this Naked Mind answering your questions. So please, and post questions below. Today I have a question and it's a personal question and the question is, did I relapse, like personally, in my journey through alcohol addiction? I think I can answer in two different ways. First of all, before I kind of stumbled upon, if you will, this Naked Mind and the approach that I took to stop drinking, cutting back or quitting was basically impossible for me. Like, I tried and I couldn't do it and I believed I was receiving a real true benefit from her alcohol. It was almost impossible to even think about cutting back or quitting. Now, I had so much fear about cutting back for two main reasons. I thought, stopping meant I would miss living. I would have this subpar life and I would stop enjoying life and I truly kind of believed that was true. And the other really big reason that it was so difficult for me was that I didn't believe I could actually do it. Like, I thought why even try it because it's going to be impossible because I'm not the kind of person who can deprive myself and I just felt that I wouldn't be able to do it. So, I was so crippled by fear. In my mind, I just continued to drink and when I would try to stop, they would be pretty pathetic attempts. And I would just deal with the negative aspect. It was so terrifying to face the reality that I might need to stop all together. In hindsight, I think I had categorized my thoughts about drinking to two choices. I could continue to drink until the negative completely eclipsed the positive of drinking, which I also understand people can call a rock bottom. Or I could try to change my perception about alcohol actually being beneficial. And I think that I had this tiny little voice in my head sometimes and especially at three in the morning when I'd wake up and I'd beat myself up for drinking the night before. And this little voice said, "You didn't use to need this. You used to be someone who didn't drink very much." Now, in a way, I was really lucky because in high school, I drank some, but in college, I barely drank. I mean, I didn't drink very much at all. So, my serious drinking really started during my career. H-22, I started working. I advertised again, see it. I'm pretty quickly. I was an executive in marketing. And so, I have lots of memories. Some of my best memories of my entire life didn't have alcohol involved, including my wedding. And so, I had proof. I had proof that I could have fun without drinking. And to be honest, I think if we go back far enough, we all have that proof. We all have experiences, even if you have to go back to childhood, where you had a really good time without alcohol. But mine was more tangible. It was in my 20s and in my late teens. And so, I knew somewhere in my mind that I didn't use to need it or want it like I did now. And there was a whole another thing going on for me at this point in my life. I had experiences really severe crippling back pain for like three years. And it was, you know, I'd been to chiropractic acupuncture, muscle relaxants, regular doctors, you know, put me in the doctor more times than I can imagine. I probably spent about $12,000 dealing with this back pain. And then one day, my dad was on the gondola, riding up the ski mountain. And this guy recommended this book called Dr. Healing Back Pain by Dr. John Sarno. And so, I was desperate. I picked up this book. And basically, the premise in this book was that you can change your perception of your mind. That actually your mind can store back pain or any pain in your body as a way to deflect it. So, for example, if you think that, you know, I had two small kids at the time. My husband and I were both working full-time jobs. We're extremely stressed out. And if you feel really frustrated with your kid, you can't actually let yourself consciously feel that. So, you feel like, "Ah, I'm so mad." Like, you think, "Okay, I'm a good person, I'm a good mom. I'm not going to feel mad at this baby for continuing to cry." So, your body does something really incredible. It kind of segregates these deep feelings of frustration at this being that's helpless in front of you and says, "Deflact, I'm not going to feel that." And in order to prevent you from feeling it to distract you from it, it can actually put that as physical pain in your body. And so, this realization, he said at the beginning of the book, he said, "Look, you can entertain that this might be true consciously right now." Like, you can say, "Okay, I could maybe see that my pain could be somewhat emotional." That might be interesting. But the truth is that I won't be able to change your unconscious mind right now. Consciously, you can entertain your unconscious mind takes much more convincing. It's a whole, you know, tons of stuff you have to kind of undo. And so, you're going to have to read this 300-page book in order for your back pain to go away, because this 300-page book is going to show you how this pain is actually in your unconscious mind. Long story short, I read the book, "My back pain completely went away, like, went away." And almost immediately, it was the most miraculous thing that it ever happened in my life. And at that point in time, I said, "Oh my gosh, my mind is so much more powerful than I ever realized than I ever gave it credit for." You know, and I just had this like minute where I was like, "Wow, like, my mind can do incredible things like, what, like, just blown away." And so, I started thinking about drinking in that same regard. I knew that I used to have a time when I enjoyed life when I didn't need alcohol. I knew right now that I felt crippled without alcohol. My fun levels were crippled. I just felt so dependent on it that quitting it felt terrifying. And that when I tried to quit or even tried to go a day without drinking, I was a monster and absolutely miserable. So, I started down this journey of, "How can I change my unconscious mind to no longer desire alcohol?" So, when I finally, this was about a year-long journey of research into how the unconscious works, into the, you know, ins and outs of alcohol, and what it actually does in the body and brain, all of these things that I brought together. And when I was, I remember walking out of my office one day, about a year after I'd started this journey and looking at my husband and saying, "If you want to get drunk with me again tonight, because I'm not drinking after this." And we went and we drank a bottle of wine, and I woke up the next morning with a hungover. And, you know, since my mind was changed, I, like, I didn't want it anymore. And I think that there, about four months after that, I did a personal experiment where, you know, I, I was like, "Is this really true? Am I really, like, happier without drinking?" And so, what I did is, I locked myself in a room, and I, with two bottles of wine, no TV, no music, no friends, just me in my video camera. And I said, "I'm going to get drunk, and I'm going to film myself, and I'm going to see, you know, what's reality?" And I put it to the test. And, you know, you have to kind of do this after you haven't been drinking for a few months, because there is this aspect of physical withdrawal to alcohol, just like there is synchotine. So, it's like an itch, you know, if you have an itch and you can't scratch it, it gets really bad. So, if you are desperate to have a drink and you're not letting yourself and then you drink, you know, as an experiment, it's going to be much more pleasurable than it actually is. So, for me, it had been four months, and I didn't want to drink really anymore, because I had this massive mindset shift, which of course is the book. That's how the book works, this snake in mind. But I locked myself in this room, and the entire room was just completely fuzzy. Like, it was blurry, and, you know, like, by the end of the night, like, I just, I thought, "Okay, this is going to be great. I'm going to be drunk. We're going to, like, if it's fun, we're going to go do something fun after I get drunk." No, I just wanted to go to bed. I didn't even want to do this stuff that I had wanted to do, like, you know, read or whatever. I just wanted to go to bed. And then watching the videos the next day, I mean, it was like, oh my goodness. Wow, I really thought I was funny. Like, I could see it in my eyes. I started to look bad. Like, all of my intelligence got stolen by this alcohol. I mean, it was, it was terrifying. It was, it was, there was, after that, like, I, there's nothing that makes me want to drink. Like, the idea of drinking makes me feel heavy and sick. And it's not only that I don't want to drink, but on a very regular basis, like, whenever I see people drinking, I feel really grateful that I don't have to drink, that I don't have to put that in my body anymore. And again, that was my experience. And so I haven't had a relapse since I really stopped drinking, but that being said, you know, alcohol is not my, was not my only addiction. So I think that, you know, I have had experience in doing something after I've made a commitment to myself not to do it. And I think that's where the pain comes in. Is when you do something after you decided not to, because then you start to really doubt yourself. So there's probably nothing that I can say that would be more effective than, you know, the few chapters that I wrote on this at the end of my book. So as an answer to the question, as, you know, kind of, I personally have not had an alcohol relapse. However, I do want to read my reflection on relapse, because I think it's really helpful in how to look at relapse, because I have experienced relapse in other areas of my life. So your alcohol monster may awaken, maybe more than once during your journey to his final death. And you must know that even with the best intentions and the strongest commitments, you may someday allow alcohol back in your life and you have to face this reality you can't hide from it because our intelligence allows us to protect ourselves. We avoid traps by understanding how they work and awareness of risk actually diminishes it. So drinking again you know it might not be a big deal but much more likely it will be incredibly painful once you've made a commitment not to because your alcohol monster can reawaken stronger than before and you may find yourself deeper in the pit than ever before. Your loved ones have seen you healing and even if you've never verbalized commitments they've been made through your actions. Drinking will mean breaking those commitments not only to the people you love but even harder to yourself and you might lose trust in your own judgment, your own resolve and your own strength. This is not a reason to avoid commitments. Your strong decision are a vital part in destroying your thirst for alcohol but if you do fall in prey you may find yourself deep in the despair of self-loathing addiction and freedom from that point of view can appear impossible. Addiction is a stake a war with the highest stakes imaginable. The most incredibly terrifying thing about relapse is how easy it is to believe that by relapsing we've lost the war. Society can tell us that we're unable to stick to our decisions that were weak that if we break promises we can't be trusted and it's easy to believe that making mistakes makes us useless. We figure if we fall off the wagon we might as well just go all the way because it's too late now. We feel beyond repair we feel no longer worth fixing so we pile up this internal guilt we are convinced that we no longer deserve love but actually deserve the hatred of those we love and and so we punish ourselves and often we punish ourselves by drinking more even to the point where we're sick. We drink into oblivion we binge to numb ourselves of the horror of our failure hating ourselves more and more each time and falling further and feeling lower than ever before but it is a mistake to believe that by losing the battle you have lost the war the truth is that every battle makes you stronger as long as you remain committed to a better tomorrow we must fight this battle each battle with compassion and forgiveness we must allow the lost battle to grow your reminder of all the reasons we quit rather than an unforgivable mistake we must remember losing a battle does not mean that you've lost the war. Drinking will remind you why you've stopped you remember how much effort it took to moderate how painful hangovers are you remember the internal struggle the recrimination the deception that might come after the first drink or down the road after a successful time of moderation when your willpower finally runs out let your mistakes become powerful reminders of your freedom let them tell the story of how far you've come let them be a stepping stone on your journey examine why you drink perhaps as you heal your reasons for not drinking become less important the pain fades and you wonder is alcohol really as bad as I imagined am I really missing out on life now with enough distance from my addictive behaviors can I moderate maybe you feel socially isolated without drinking maybe you desire connection maybe wonder if you'd fit in better and have more friends if you had an occasional drink if you struggle from loneliness you have to find connection but alcohol will never heal your loneliness it will never provide you friendship if you struggle with depression or anxiety you may begin to wonder if a drink will take off the edge and provide relief remember drinking is like turning off your check engine light it may temporarily numb your symptoms but it can never heal you you may drink to feel a void in your life societal conditioning convinces you that alcohol is key to filling the voids inside you this will never happen alcohol can only tear you further apart and again you may have a strong physical addiction and freedom may not be easier even possible without others to fight alongside you you may need a rehabilitation center or an ongoing support group you may need to call for backup call for backup now discuss this possibility with those closest to you to ensure that they're prepared to fight with you when the battles come get whatever help you need asking for help it doesn't make you weak it makes you strong you will overcome this but each temptation each battle bring you closer to winning the war learn from each fight discover your truth about alcohol and its role in your life alcohol does not define you it does not give you worth and it is not who you are it will not fix your problems it will not solve your loneliness and it will not provide any of the answers that you seek this is a journey not a destination it is a road that no one can walk by you these are choices that no one can make but you but know that by committing to a different future no matter how many battles you have in front of you you have already won this war this has been Annie Gray so this naked mind podcast thank you so much for listening you can learn more at this nakedmind.com and please remember to rate review and subscribe as it really helps us spread the word