Speaker 1Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible. And this space starts with UltraFit. Unlike traditional running shoes, UltraFit gives toes more room to move naturally, so every step is strong, balanced, and comfortable. Whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there. With Ultra, shop now at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running dot com.
Speaker 2Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.
Speaker 1Wayfair, every style, every home.
Speaker 3Let's talk about sobriety. Let's talk about you and me. Hey, everyone. What's up? Welcome back to Recovering Out Loud. To another bite-sized episode where today I'm going to be talking about emotional sobriety and why you should care about it and why it's important and what is it. Emotional sobriety is everything in recovery. Let's be honest. If I can't handle my emotions sober, I'm going to pick up drugs and alcohol again because that's what I did all the time. Felt uncomfortable, felt fear, felt shame, picked up drugs, went away. Sadness, happiness, picked up drugs and alcohol, went away. Whoa, my voice sounded weird there. So let's talk about it. So when I first came in, like a lot of people, I thought I just wanted to stop drinking and doing drugs. That's it. That was the problem. I don't need to listen to all this other stuff that you guys are talking about. That's great. I just want to get the heat off. How do I stop using meth? How do I stop using coke? How do I stop hating myself and breaking promises to myself? I keep saying that I'm not going to use and drink and I keep believing it. But then every time I'm using and drinking, banging my head against the wall, wondering how the hell I got here again. So as a lot of you probably know this, when you get sober, your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings, your uncomfortability, it gets louder. All that shit that you used to drink, over, it comes back tenfold, right? How do we deal with that? Well, that's what I'm going to talk about today. How do I not let my emotions turn me into the worst human ever? How do I not freak out on my family? Right. Because I know when I first came in, I was living with my parents when I was 23, and everybody became my punching bag. Every time I felt uncomfortable, every time I felt anger, I took it out on my loved ones because they saw the real me and I spent the most amount of time with them. So today I'm going to talk about what emotional sobriety actually is, why so many people relapse emotionally before they relapse physically, and what emotional sobriety looks like, what the growth path looks like. How do I know that I'm going in the right direction? We're going to touch all of that. It's not about being perfect, just progress, not perfection. What is emotional sobriety? Emotional sobriety is not being calm all the time, being Zen. It's not about being positive. It's not about being positive all the time, being the happiest guy in the room. And it's definitely not about never getting triggered. Emotional sobriety is being able to feel, name, label your emotions without being controlled by them. So if I get angry at somebody in my life or the guy on the street that cuts me off, not turning into an angry person, watching the emotions sort of come and go, laughing at it, if you will, too, that helps me. Acknowledging it, not judging it. Oh, I'm doing that thing again. You're feeling your feelings without being controlled. You're responding instead of reacting. You're staying connected to your values, even when you're uncomfortable. A simple way to think of it is I can feel this. I don't need to escape it. I don't have to escape it. It's sort of like the analogy. I love this analogy is it's like being this guy that can just watch trains go by at the station. Your thoughts are coming and going. Your emotions are coming and going. You know that they're not going to park there for long and you know that they're going to be there as long as you let them be there. They park there. How can I just be an observer at a train station, watching the trains go by? That's the goal here. Because at the end of the day, that brings happiness, contentment, peace, and I can be myself. I can be connected in that stage. It's important to note that addiction and alcoholism, drugs and alcohol didn't just numb pain. It also numbed all the other emotions, joy, frustration, fear, shame, boredom. So it's not just about pain. When we get sober, we suddenly, we don't suddenly become emotionally skilled adults. Our problems don't go away. I'm sure you've realized that. If anything, they come out tenfold, like I talked about in the opening. When you quit drugs and alcohol, it's like someone comes in and turns the volume button up to 12 on your emotions and thoughts, right? You're not used to letting these thoughts and emotions come, you're used to escaping them. So when we get sober, we become emotionally awake adults and that's uncomfortable. So physical sobriety versus emotional sobriety. Hard truth is you can be years sober, doing all the right things and still emotionally unsafe to yourself and others. I've seen this in recovery meetings and spaces. The guy that has 30 years and he's yelling at everybody for not following the things that he agrees with. I'm not agreeing with him or he's losing it on the guy outside. You know, you, you see them all happy in the recovery meeting and then you walk outside and he's complete asshole to people on the street, or he ignores, you know, homeless people. Or whatever, but I'm sure you've seen it. Don't be that guy. And sure, everyone has a bad day, but the goal is progress, not perfection. Again, we are not saints. So physical sobriety asks, are you drinking or using? It's really that simple. Emotional sobriety asks, how do you handle disappointment, resentment, fear, rejection, uncertainty? Oh, what a good list, disappointment, resentment, fear, uncertainty, rejection. If I can just get a handle on those and let, not let those. Run my life and my thought process and my behavior, wouldn't life just be great. This is a daily thing. You know, you get it one day and then you wake up the next morning and it's back tenfold or 10 million times stronger. So I wrote down here, most relapses don't start with a drink. I would say that's wrong. I think all relapses start emotionally, start weeks before picking up a drink. I think we are consciously. We are subconsciously planning our relapse. At least that was my story, my experience. The second time I was more conscious of it, but I've been unconscious of those thoughts of, nah, wouldn't it feel better if I just got back on ADHD medication, you know, I bet I'd be happier. I'm pretty sad and bored. Remember how fun Adderall was and Vyvanse, and you can get away with it this time. It'll be different. You'll control it this time. You'll give the pills to your wife and ask her for one. What a crock of shit never worked. If you find yourself negotiating. Like that with yourself, you're headed down a dark path. Analyze it, be aware of it. Talk about it. It may blow up in your face. So they relapse to start with emotional buildup, unprocessed feelings, old coping patterns, waking back up and relapse doesn't just happen out of nowhere. It happens often when we're not thinking about it, but it's a result of emotional overload. We can't handle all these feelings and energy patterns in our bodies and anxieties and fears. Sadness and despair and boredom and boredom is fear, but I just can't handle it. And I need to escape and I know what's going to work again, but it'll be different this time. Drugs and alcohol. The biggest lie we tell ourselves this time will be different. So a lot of us use substances to avoid conflict, quiet, anxiety, escape, shame, feel in control. That was a big one for me, feeling in control. When you take away those tools, you know, that that's the best solution to alcoholism. I always say this is alcohol, right? Otherwise we wouldn't have started it. Best solution to addiction is drugs. Otherwise we wouldn't have taken them. They worked for something. They allowed us to escape something that was uncomfortable or feel a certain way, or they allowed us to be in control of our feelings, whatever. It's different for everybody. For me, it was, I want to control my feelings. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be able to just escape this thought, this emotion, this fear. I don't like fear. I don't like ruminating. That's what drugs and alcohol did for me until they didn't. Now I'm left with, what do I do? You take away my solution. Now what? I need to find a spiritual solution, but that's not what we're talking about today. When those tools are gone, drugs and alcohol, we're left with low frustration, tolerance, big reactions, black and white thinking, either zero to a hundred, right? It's either terrible or it's really good. There's no in between all or nothing emotions. And you might notice things like overthinking. So over-analyzing, overthinking, spinning stories in your head, it's going to be this way. This is going to happen. And then he's going to say this and I'm going to say this, and then we're going to fight and I'm going to win. And I'm going to look stupid. I'm going to be an idiot. I might as well not even go. Taking things personally, feeling rejected easily, needing external validation from others or things, material items, and wanting relief now. That doesn't mean you're failing. It means your nervous system is relearning safety. Emotional sobriety is a skill, not a switch that you can flick on. on. Nobody becomes emotionally sober by willpower, by just trying really hard and flipping the switch discipline right it doesn't you can't just gym bro your way into it it's like everything in recovery in sobriety it takes practice and consistency and it's not sexy nobody wants to hear that but it's consistent effort not perfect effort progress not perfection practice looks like pausing instead of reacting right so taking a breath as your first answer that's a practical tool i love when somebody pisses you off or something happens and you want to just erupt your first word should be and maybe not that obvious you don't need to breathe in someone's face and spew their your fucking breath all over them but your first word should be a breath there should be no first thought wrong i was always taught take a pause it'll benefit you in all areas of your life naming what you're feeling so i'm doing that thing again this is blank this is fear this is sadness this is happy joy anger tolerating discomfort without escaping so being comfortable in the uncomfortable learning that feelings rise and fall just like trains at a train station they're going to go through this too shall pass just not in my time a big shift happens when you realize this feeling doesn't need to be fixed oh i love that there's nothing wrong with this feeling there's nothing wrong with me just is happening right now anxiety is a favorite i love i love analyzing anxiety when it comes when i get really nervous before i speak or before i do uh i don't know before i do a speaking engagement speaking in front of a bunch of people or going to talk to somebody that i'm makes me very nervous i feel it in my stomach you know it might be different for you but i feel it in my stomach the butterflies the sort of pit that's uncomfortable now when that happens i just i see it i notice it i put attention to it i focus on it and i just say that's a pattern of energy moving through my body that's it pattern of energy and it's going to pass and it works for me every time you know it it i don't dwell on it and say i'm a bad person oh my god i'm gonna fuck up i can't believe you're nervous how can you be nervous for this i get nervous before sharing in meetings sometimes of like four people it just happens most emotional suffering comes from resisting feelings judging feelings like i just said trying to control feelings willing your way out of anger and into joy i should be happy all the time biggest lie you'll ever tell yourself no one is happy all the time and if they are happy all the time they're lying to you or they're snuffing their emotion down or you just see them in the happy moments of their life and not the rest of their life trust me you cannot be happy all the time emotional sobriety is i can sit with this even if it's uncomfortable there's a difference between sitting with it and sitting in it sitting in it is self-pity i'm a piece of shit ruminating thoughts feeding the thoughts and gassing up the thoughts and letting them control your life and keep you stuck i do that with the gym a lot i don't want to go to the gym because it's uncomfortable it's far i don't like working out anymore then it spins into oh you're never going to go to the gym oh maybe we'll just go tomorrow or you're a piece of shit you're going to get fat all this bullshit analyze it recognize it move on action common signs you're not emotionally sober yet want to normalize this so sometimes you might still be growing in emotional sobriety you shut down during conflict oh that's i i do that sometimes yeah you turn off shut down go quiet you explode then feel shame about it yelling at your wife your husband your partner and then you feel like a piece of shit after by the way difference between guilt and shame guilt is i did something bad shame is i'm a bad person you avoid difficult conversations that's another good one for me too i can do that you catastrophize small problems right making mountains out of mohill who does that here i'm sure a lot of you do i do that too this is the worst i'm never going to pay my mortgage i might as well be homeless i'm going to lose my house i'm a piece of shit i'm never going to get a job that i like you know how it goes you look outside for your relief that is a big one for us i use outside things to change my insides full stop so recovery isn't about deleting these patterns it's about updating them right you just need to update your plan we're unlearning it's sort of like addition uh subtraction by addition right we're adding new patterns we're not necessarily getting rid of these ones i mean we kind of are but we're also we're replacing them with new patterns instead of focusing on getting rid of these ones so emotionally sober what that actually looks like it doesn't mean calm all the time happy all the time unbothered all the time impossible you cannot be zen all the time those people that you're hanging out with that are zen all the time happy joys and free 24 7 hang out with them for a weekend go travel with them somewhere you'll see the real side of them drive with them in traffic it'll come out trust me i went to vegas one time for a sober conference fucking oh man these people turned into different animals when we had to pick a restaurant and we had to come together to travel and do the same you could really see the alphas come out and the type a and type b people oh it's hilarious you want to find out anything about anyone the truth is you're not going to get rid of them you're not going to get rid of them you're not going to get rid of them you're not going to get rid of them you're not going to get rid of them person who they really are go on vacation with them so emotional sobriety looks like i'm triggered and i know why i don't like this feeling but i won't escape it i can feel anger without becoming destruct destructive i can feel sadness without numbing it or escaping another thing i like to do is i like to ask myself if i didn't feel this judgment if i didn't feel this anger what would i feel around it sounds really stupid and simple and like it wouldn't help but try it if i didn't feel this judgment if i didn't feel this anger what would i feel around it sounds really stupid if i didn't feel this judgment towards this person driving this car cutting me off or not holding the elevator for that old lady what would i feel insecurity fear emotionally sober people still struggle still get overwhelmed and still feel fear and all the feeling fear is a secondary emotion anger is fear's bodyguard but they trust themselves to get through it without self-destruction what a way to live trust the difference all right practical tools for emotional sobriety name the feeling instead of i'm spiraling try i feel rejected i feel overwhelmed i feel unsafe naming it reduces its power label it don't judge it delay the reaction to delay the reaction you don't have to respond immediately take that breath like i said your first word should be a breath maybe not that intense you don't have to respond immediately space creates choice three regulate before you reason you can't think clearly when your nervous system is activated i think it's uh what's his name chicago cubs guy bill murray bill murray says there's nothing you can't do better relaxed more relaxed i love that there's nothing you can't do better when you're relaxed three deep breaths ground move then decide four separate feelings from facts this is a good one i love this feelings are real they're not reality and they're not always accurate and they don't also always give the best directions too in life what's real here what's me spinning a story perception on said thing perception is everything practice five practice self-compassion talk to yourself like someone you're responsible for talk to yourself like you would an eight-year-old not someone you're disappointed in okay so again name the feeling delay the reaction regulate before you reason separate feelings from facts practice self-compassion closing emotional sobriety isn't about being perfect we talked about progress it's about being free trust me this is a freeing place to be and you don't just do it one day and then it's turned on for life this is a daily sometimes minute to minute practice i find myself from time to time focusing on my breath watching it coming through my nostrils going to my stomach and then back out again counting sometimes meditating throughout the day just being aware of my surroundings ground myself ground yourself this is about freedom from constant emotional chaos reacting on impulse needing escape to survive feelings if you're sober and still struggling emotionally i want you to hear this clearly okay listen up you're not doing recovery wrong you're doing the deeper work physical sobriety keeps you alive emotional sobriety helps you actually live it's a lifelong practice not a finish line i heard someone once say sobriety and recovery recovery is for marathon runners not sprinters you need to be a marathon runner in this life one step at a time one kilometer at a time one mile at a time for my american friends one day at a time thank you for listening if you haven't followed the podcast or rated the podcast yet please go and do so it helps me immensely recovering out loud pod on instagram i love you all send me a message if you want me to talk about something or just to say hi have a wonderful day if no one's told you this yet i love you love you.
PodcastTranscript AI