Emotional Parentification (S3 Ep4)

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode on Beyond Survival. Today is a solo episode and I want to talk to you about printification. I'm going to break printification down into the three different types, which is emotional printification, instrumental printification and narcissistic printification. I'm going to give real examples of what they look like so you can identify your family system because if we listen to even what Ken Adam said in our last interview and something that I know for myself to be true, is that psychoeducation is so important and we need to be able to have language for what's happened in us first before we attempt to deconstruct it, dismantle it and heal from it. So I want to start then at looking at what a parentified child looks like and to see if you can identify yourself this role or a sibling in this role. So a parentified child is often the one that is described as being mature for their age. They're the responsible one in the group, the problem solver. They often prefer to be with adults, so think of yourself when you are younger. Typically we see that the parentified child would gravitate towards minding younger siblings or cousins, you know, being drawn to being the mommy in the group or they relate to older people. And that's because they have such a burden on their shoulders. They essentially aren't a child, although they are a child by age, but they have to deal with so many emotional and practical adult responsibilities that they don't relate to children their own age. Children their own age can seem immature and silly and to the parentified child play is pointless, right? It seems pointless. So the gravitate towards older people and can often be seen as wise beyond their years or an old head on young shoulders or mature for their age. They can be overly worried about bad things going to happen because of their hypervigilance, because they have had to walk on eggshells in their own home and they're able to predict their parent's behavior even before they make the next move themselves, right? They'll be able to understand their body language. One of the major impacts of printification is that it does disconnect the child from their friend group, right? From their peers. Because the parentified child doesn't have the freedom to explore, to have fun, to play, to have joy, they're drawn to the older people. And when they're drawn to people older than them and younger than them, when it leaves them that they can feel uncomfortable with their own peers, it can be extremely isolating. Right, when it comes to connecting with their friend group, these are people that they're going to see day-to-day in their class, in their school, in their groups. And so it's extremely isolating now to not have this whole peer group that you can relate to. And that's because the parentified child doesn't know how to connect with play with their friends. They only know how to connect through servitude. And that's because the conditioning of printifications means that they assume this role of parent. The word "printification" is exactly that. There's parent in the title. And this is where their parent, like the adult in the relationship, has reversed roles. And the child has become a parent to their parent. And so let's now look at what emotional printification is. And that is when the roles are reversed again, and it's the parent relying on their child for emotional support, which is never appropriate. I often get questions asking, like, what stage is this appropriate? No, your relationship with your child is not a reciprocal relationship. The relationship with your child will always be that you are the parent in that relationship, and that they come to you. It doesn't mean that, as they get older, that you can't share more of your life with them. But they are not your best friend. And this is often one of the biggest telltale signs when it comes to emotional printification, is when a parent or the child of a parent refers to their parent as their best friend. A child is not their parent's best friend. A parent should not be confiding in their child about their struggles, whether that's financial, or about their emotional relationships, or about their own emotions, or anything relationship based at all. An adult should be going to another adult. And I often hear my clients saying, you know, well, they didn't have anybody else to talk to. They only had me. And what I say to them is that's part of the manipulation, because that's not true. There is somebody that's in their life that they could have confided in. And if not, it was up to them to go to their GP. It was up to them to ring, like in Ireland, we have the smartens, or to find friends, right, to make friends. That is their responsibility. And often, my clients, when they think about this, they'll be like, oh no, well, they did have friends. They did have siblings. They just chose not to. Why did they choose not to be honest about the relationship that they're in? Because often the relationship is deeply, the romantic relationship is deeply unfulfilling for the parent, which is why they're even treating their child as a best friend or as a substitute spouse. But it's manipulative because often this parent doesn't want to be held accountable. And they don't want to tell the truth of their relationship to anybody outside. So they're using their child, they're exploiting their child, they're exploiting the relationship that this child has with their other parent. And it damages that relationship. If we're looking at what a best friend is, a best friend is somebody who is equal responsibility for the safety of the relationship. A reciprocity with a friend should be that there's time for you and time for me and that we can lean on each other. And it can be simultaneously happening that a child can think of their best friend with their mother, yet they're being completely ignored. And they're being ignored because their own emotional needs aren't being met. Even if they're able to share some stuff with the parent, the emotional needs aren't being met because the parent is not holding safe boundaries with this child and is exploiting the love that the child has for their parent and the care that the child has for their parent. And also the child's biologically their safety, right, in order for us the child to be safe, we need to make sure that our parent is safe. So they're exploiting every aspect of the relationship from the child to parent. I'm going to read you out a piece from the book that I co-wrote. You're not the problem on this unemotional printification. And it's a story about Megan and what she shared. Instead of working in the relationship difficulties between them, Megan's parents involved their daughter in a very toxic way. Megan's father would disappear and leave her to provide the emotional support her mother demanded of her. Her mother in turn treated Megan as a substitute space on burdening all of her worries and fears about her relationship and life in general. Instead of protecting Megan, her parents abandoned her emotionally and then saddled her with the responsibility of fixing their relationship. When Megan's mother complained about her dad, it made Megan feel responsible for fixing the situation. She felt angry with her father for obsessing her mom and let him know this, but the attempt to protect her mother drove a wedge between her and her father. I was like a nagging wife with dad, telling him to cut the grass, tidy the house, pay my more attention, clean up after himself, pick up his clothes, stop staying out late at the bar. I used to remind him of their anniversary and her birthday and buy his presents for mom because he'd either forget to ask me to. It was easier to avoid a row and it was easier if mom was happy. Megan's mother centered herself and her relationship with her daughter and demanded her daughter did the same. Megan therefore never developed a sense of who she was as an individual away from her mother and became completely disconnected from her own well-being. Instead, she became entirely dependent on her mother being okay. The reason I love doing the letters on the series and the reason that I'm reading you at that piece is because it's so profound when we use real life examples that people can relate to. You know, when I use language like this, like emotional printification and about the responsibilities and have been a burden, people can intellectually understand it, but actually when we use real life examples and there's so many people like I know that are just nothing along and relating to that, especially the part where they are the one going to their other parent, like on the anniversary and asking them let's let's stereotypically use that so go into their father asking them to buy their mother a gift. Or going to their father or other space and being that nag like telling them treating them like a again a substitute space like do this do that but ultimately asking them to step up and be a partner to their parent. But this is the sad part because the the adult child can say well that really happened like he or she was useless and I was just telling them to do it. But the part that's often been missed is that you are being used you are being exploited your needs aren't being met here because you have a right to have a relationship in the way that it exists with that other parent and if you get mad at something that's up to you to get mad. But typically like a child will not get mad over the glass not being caught or that the parent didn't buy them a gift I mean how do you even know that. And so here's the manipulation here's the part where the child is conditioned to protect a parent and that is because the parent put this on the child. I always think then of emotional parenthecation there's always something else happening because there is such a desire to make the parent happy right I just want to make mom happy well why let's let's take that a step further if she's happy what does that mean for you. And it typically means well then I can have freedom then I get to have a life then I don't have to worry about or. And it's like okay so this is back to the conditioning of you being worried to prioritize this person in your life and that's wrong you should be allowed to be worried about. You know an age appropriate thing so for a child you know be worried about. Whatever party or disco or be worried about an exam or be worried about if X or Y is going to play with you the next day or you know be worried about whatever that is. But it would be child appropriate for the child that is emotionally identified these issues or problems are in consequential because they have like there they have a marriage story about they have a marriage to fix. And that is such an emotional burden to bear because parenthecation conditions the child to act as that caretaker mediator and protector of the whole family to all the responsibilities that should belong to an adult. There was one thing in that last episode that doctor Adams talked about and he set up initially like what a healthy dynamic should look like. And I think that's important for people to see so if there's not printification in a relationship what would a healthy relationship with a parent look like. And that is where there should be healthy boundaries right this is the parents responsibility not the child's and the parent makes it clear whether implicitly or explicitly that they are responsible for providing safety and security for the child. And that the child can rely on them for stability this means that if the child asks questions about a relationship which they will write a child will ask questions I remember once one of my kids here in me and Frank disagreeing I wouldn't mind we weren't even fighting right but the hairdresser's a great and later on that night they were asking were we they didn't ask were we going to separate I think they use the word divorce you know were you and daddy going to divorce. And I was like no but what makes you think that and there were like we heard she's arguing and I was like well I said we were disagreeing and we're allowed to disagree and I was like no but we're not. And then they follow that on and they said what we argue and I said I understand why you're curious but that's between me and that. And they went I know but I just want to know and I know I know why you want to know but that's between me and that yeah and this is the part where the parent should hold the boundaries. A lot of times I would hear from my clients and they'd be saying but I asked I involved myself I wanted to know what was happening. You know I asked about the bells or I asked why they had no money and I'll cover that now next in instrumental printification and it's like no this is where the adult needs to hold the boundaries. No that's between me and your dad or I remember once I was obsessed and the kids come in and they saw me and this is not a bad thing. This is not emotional printification if your kids see upset and they were asking me what was wrong. And I had just said that something had upset me that I was sad but thanks for asking and they were like what and I said this this is an adult's problem. And I have dad to talk to or I have friends to talk to and I well but thanks very much for being kind and I'm okay. Yeah so do you hear that boundary being clear this is the parents responsibility it is normal and natural for a child to be curious and to ask questions. But it's where the parent exploits this part and they will exploit this part in them and condition them that it actually is up to you to emotionally support me. Which is so unfair like if I at that time had started giving out about Frank to my kids they would be mad at him and that is my doing that is me manipulating them and that will be detrimental to their relationship. But when I think of this then whose benefit would it be to right mine if I wanted them to align with me and be closer to me. That's wrong and that's not fair and for anybody listening to this and they're saying well what if my partner is abusive. There's an episode on this series back I think it's episode two that I had with doctor Kotiola and we talk this out and we say where it's okay to name behaviors that well that was a lie you were told that wrong but that we're not going to emotionally dump on our children and we're not going to make our children responsible or feel bad for us or feel like they have to protect our mind. That's our job to do that for our children and with our children and so this over sharing and over burdening to the child conditions the child to focus on supporting protecting and nourishing the parent but at a huge cost to themselves. Being that burden being burdened with excesses responsibility it sets an absolute toxic trap for the child right and it makes them hyper independent at a young age. Because if I can't rely on somebody else if somebody else isn't there for me what meaning do I make of this and it is the truth it is that I have to rely on myself there isn't another adult I don't learn that I can safely lean on somebody else because they can't manage it. You know mammar dad has enough to worry about I see that they can't cope with the wrong shit so I can't burden them and tell them about mine. Plus what we will often see is that they will have evidence for this that actually if I go to them I might are ignored or dismissed and that is extremely hurtful so this is another way that the child becomes hyper independent it's because I'm not going to lean on you or I'm not going to get close to you or I'm not going to trust you because ultimately you're going to let me down. You're going to disappoint me you're going to hurt me so I'm going to protect myself and save myself from that and be hyper independent and deal with everything myself. And so this is one of those things that was healthy way for you to cope in an unhealthy situation but now an adult is detrimental right so I really want you to think about the relationships in your life and think about are they trustworthy. Can you trust them is it safe to ask this person for help or will they weaponize it against you throw it up again in your face if you say no. And that person is showing you that they're not a safe person and that you can't ask them for help. But if you do have people in your life that you can ask for help, do you share with them when you're when you're going through something do you ask for help if you need something really what I'm saying is are you showing that you're human. And if you are honestly this is what healing looks like and if you're not what's it like to recognize that and then what steps are you going to take to change that. If you want to you're an adult i'm not going to start telling you what you should and shouldn't do in your life right that's this is another former printification there the parentified child when they become an adult. This role can be so ingrained that we and I say we because I really relate to this have to become really mindful and acutely aware that we can do this in a relationship so if at any time you're talking to an adult. And you're thinking you should do this and you should do that now that is us stepping back into the parentified child role and where no like this is an adult this is an adult and you get to choose what you want to do. And my choice on that is how much i'm going to support you or my choice on that if this is somebody harmful or unhealthy is okay where do I need to protect myself. But i'm not going to tell an adult had to behave because ultimately it's pointless because they are an adult and they can behave what way they want. This is very different than somebody asking my opinion or advice and me sharing that because i'm sharing with that with the knowledge of going but ultimately it's up to you right because you know you best. And you listening to this this is what I really want to get home you know you best only you know the answers for what you want to do like should you leave that job should you leave that relationship should you stay and that should you do something else like you know those answers and yes it's really helpful to have relationships that you can talk and tease at these answers. But it's really helpful to have somebody that's helping you tease them out rather than telling you what you should do okay so I kind of I went off on a wee bit of a tangent there but I think it's important because this is this is all linked right how we were the role that we were conditioned to be and childhood recognize and how it plays out an adult. So back to the printified child and in particular how one parent is involving the child so for the emotionally printified child they're typically the mediators and the home right they're often used by their mother and father as the go between in relationships whether that's in the relationship with their mother and father or the go between in between managing sibling relationships breaking up fights between them. Or with their siblings taking on the role of peacekeeper the many therapists confident emotional caretaker in relationship with their parent the emotionally printified child spends their entire childhood trying to keep the peace and resolve conflict the weight of which which is far too much for anyone to carry in a family that is too much for one person let alone the child. The child should never be offered emotional support to their parent so this dynamic is such an emotional weight on the child and when I think of that conversation with Dr. Adams when he's talking about emancipation this should be something that was allowed to happen naturally that the child was separate from the parent and it should be encouraged from the parent but if it wasn't. It's showing such a level of entitlement that the parent is centering themselves and is prioritizing themselves over you the child's well-being and so often it's inconceivable for an adult child to they would feel really selfish like well if I didn't ask my parent how was things or how they were doing or how's things with dad or how's things with mom or how are you managing. But even in that you are inviting your parent to emotionally dump on you and I'm using that word specifically because I remember there was like a mean going round on tech talk and I was talking about emotional dumping and although sometimes it was accurate a lot of times it was people talking about sharing or inviting in their friends and talking over and over something again when more find and something difficult. That is okay there is no such thing by the way as emotionally dumping on your therapist that is not a thing therapist is there to support you and your emotions and wants you to speak and share your experience so I'm just cognizant of myself using that word so when I'm talking about it with a parent to child I mean that you are dumping and laying all this stuff it's not even at your child's feet it's your child's hands are out because your child wants to love you and wants to support you and you're exploiting. And you're exploiting that by dumping all this stuff on them and in these relationships one of the reasons why the parent confides in the child is because a child's brain isn't fully developed till their 25. Even though the child will think god I was very mature for my age like you know I had loads of answers I could see that if they just behave this way or that way or did this thing your critical thinking brain is not fully developed right so when the parent portrays themselves as the victim they're forcing the child into that role of rescuer mind or protector because they will just believe the parent. Emotional printification can happen outside of narcissistic printification emotional printification can be when a parent when this has happened generationally and a parent just thinks this is normal. This is where then if the adult child tries to separate and whole boundaries and say mom can you not tell me about your and dad's relationship anymore or dad if this is between you and mom like I don't want to know about it or if this is between you and one of my siblings like go directly to them stop involving me and telling me things. Their reaction will be very telltale to how deep this dysfunction goes because the narcissistic parent will weaponize their child's feelings of guilt against them right they'll make them feel very sorry for them and will make them feel responsible for their protection. Or will find you just worry about yourself or will please just do this one thing I can't do it by myself right making themselves feel the victim or you're just like them or you're just like your father or you're just like your mother don't worry about me and that is manipulative and then the obligation to fix the fear of the rejection of not doing it and the guilt around not pleasing that parentifying parent becomes so insidious and ingrained in the child that they believe that they have consented to this responsibility. The same way earlier when I talked about the child when they asked the question they believe that this is them while I asked like I said they told me no they told me it was nothing got to do with me and I said no tell me. This is where they're weaponizing the child's curiosity this is where they're weaponizing the child's love against them exploiting it because it's unfair and the child will feel as though it's their choice to help the parent to give mom the money let's say which again instrumental parenthood which we're going to talk about next or provide the emotional support and the advice to the parent right but that's impossible. That's impossible because a child cannot give informed consent they don't know this is why we don't let a child get married why we don't let them have a drink until they're 18 why they can't vote until they're 18 why they can't drive until they're 17 right we don't do that because they can't give informed consent and if they were telling us no I'm able to have a drink or no no I'm allowed to marry this person at six or 15 you know we say no we say no because you don't know what informed consent is your rational brain isn't developed it's not fully mature and they don't realize that their boundaries are being violated in such a way with this dynamic they have no understanding of the impact it will have on them and that's what's unhealthy and wrong and there's also a part in this where then the child can feel really special again we talked about this in the last episode with Dr. Adams because they can feel so greatly valued right in having this responsibility in having this trust placed upon them right because mommy's telling me secrets studies telling me secrets he won't tell any use he won't tell anybody else he needs me there's often a belief that they won't be able to function without you or the family system will manage without you that's how much has been placed and how conditioned and how much you've been manipulated right imagine the importance of being the child who fixes the family imagine the importance of a child that can make mommy happy right this is the illusion of the omnipotent power that a parent by child has so now think of what happens when somebody is obsessed will look at the power I have I can fix it I know how but you've been manipulated and it's an illusion because one you can't fix anybody else right and other people don't need fixing even the abusive person it's not that they need fixing we need to identify that they're abusive and hold them in accountable in what way and if there's a system though that's upholding and supporting them we have to even then we can't fix them we have to recognize that we have to separate but there's something about this power that is given and it's an illusion of power because think of this if it was the power think of all the advice that if you wear the emotionally printify child and you were saying maybe go to therapy or maybe do this or maybe do that if you had the power they wouldn't be behaving in the way that they're behaving you never had the power this was manipulation this was the abuse of the adult child relationship of creating you as a best friend as a many therapist as a confidant to keep you close to them so they could avoid accountability because they weren't getting their needs matched and emotional relationship and they weren't willing to do anything about it and they were confiding in you and asking you to do their bidding and even again if it wasn't directly asked that's what's implicitly implied and it's wrong and it's unfair and there's a fuckery because if this happens whoever you were emotionally printify if this was your mother or father then there's often a jealousy if you then go closer to them the other parent might because they will see this that you are siding with them they're not viewing you as the child and the relationship that needs to have a relationship with your other parent they're viewing you as the emotional support for them and seeing it as a betrayal which again is just so wrong and fucked up when we're looking at the parent child relationship and so to go back when I talked about earlier about what will this mean for you right this power if you can make your mommy happy right or your daddy happy well it means that I get freedom right it means that I can go and play or it means that I don't have to worry about them but then we also have to look at what happens if you can't make them happy right if you choose yourself because the child is told right their condition that it's their job to protect and support their parents however they can right think about that this is their job this is their responsibility it's inconceivable to them that it could be anybody else's to think that that this is their job and the reason that it's inconceivable is because not caring for their parents is not an option often because of the punishing consequences it could lead to so that part when I say no what happens oh will you just go on about do your own thing right or if you're having fun with that other parent oh right oh yeah you just go on and you just go on and play with them yeah don't don't worry about me don't mind me and so we're talking about two of the main behaviors stone walling and the sign of treatment and so what stone wall and it look like in a parent child relationship is the parent refusing to engage with the child's emotions or shutting them down right so imagine the child coming along telling a story like one in the world with emotions telling them a story or upset about something or you know having pride that they just did something and literally the parent stone walling and putting up this wall in front of them right blocking them or another powerful visualization is that is like their hand coming down and squishing down the emotion right to assert their dominance and superiority right no this is about me and so when the child is trying to assert themselves and say no essentially this stone face they're stone walling the parent is metaphorically like putting their hand up in their face and saying stop I'm done now I'm not engaging with this I'm going to withdraw my kindness and affection from you and this is often the fear that people have an adulthood then if I say no to somebody it's that they're going to withdraw their kindness and affection I see this in people pleasing when my clients turn up for therapy I've talked about it a few times and when they're let's say if they're late or if something happens and they're apologizing profusely and I'm saying to them like you know who what are the consequences of this for you and they're thinking and they're like oh no I'm more I'm worried about you and I'm thinking of your time and in case you think that I'm not valuing the time that's a lot of assumptions you know you're putting you're thinking that I'm going to think all these things and of all these judgments but I ask them about like what's the consequences for them and it takes them a long time to get this and then they're like oh yeah well my time is shorter okay but then they're like I don't I don't mind that like that's my responsibility and yeah that's shit but like I can cope with that so now we're talking about boundaries and what they have to manage and what I have to manage but then I get them to follow on and I'm saying okay let's say that happens but let's follow through on what you thought was going to happen okay so you're late and you think that I'm going to think that now that you're not prioritizing therapy right here the parallels with the parent right that you're not prioritizing me now what's your fear that you're going to stop being kind and nice okay so that this was somehow an act and I'm only being kind and nice because you're behaving in one way you're being the quote unquote good client you're being the A1 student but now if you're human in any way I'll withdraw my love and affection I'll withdraw my kindness and this is what we see player and this is what we're talking about the nervous system right back to episode one in this series where we're talking about the nervous system and the phone response being this automatic response for fear of how the other person is going to treat you but we have to be able to assess who is the threat and oftentimes it's a fear of the behaviors repeating and oftentimes we have loads of other relationships where this dynamic has repeated and so what that has done then has confirmed a narrative oh that this is what happens when I say no when I can't but what we need to find is a disconfirming experience and so for example that would have been one of them in therapy no this is a disconfirming experience you're late that's okay I can manage myself and there's no punishment because when the parent does that when the parent shames the child and that's what it is it's shaming the child for trying to prioritize themselves which is very normal and natural and developmentally appropriate it's humiliating and it's also emotional abandonment in that moment the child has been abandoned for themselves and who they are and asking for a need or asking to be seen and heard they're being completely ignored and that is so damaging and it's usually done because the attention is being diverted away and the parents are not happy about it in that moment and stonewalling is not limited only to a parent child relationship but it sets the child up for toxic shame if it's done in the relationship but ultimately if that happens in adult relationships if you recognize that that when you are going to share something if you feel shut down or unhaired or unimportant or not lessened to if you're told you're being too much or to quit or to shut up you're being silenced and you're being shamed about your feelings and it's often humiliating and it's so damaging the silent treatment then is another step on if you will from stonewalling the silent treatment is where I will not speak to you I will not engage with you I will not look at you and even with that there's such contempt along with it and it is psychologically damaging for a child and the purpose of it is to force the child into the phone response because the child will beg no please mummy don't no please dad I didn't mean to right because they're conditioned they're being gaslit that they've actually done something wrong by looking for any sort of autonomy in any way they're looking for us so the child is conditioned that it's their responsibility and if they in any way choose to opt out of this responsibility they'll be punished they'll be shamed they'll be manipulated and all they want is for their parent to be happy for them then to be able to have the freedom but this sets up a toxic trap because it's then well I can only be happy if they're happy and so ultimately we want to separate from this and we want to build identity the reason I go back and use different languages is to show that I think that all theories are working towards the same thing in the book that I co-wrote you're not the problem we talk about this identity building which is what Dr. Adams is talking about emancipation like separate yourself to be able to identify what you're feeling, what you're thinking to be able to identify your own critical thinking without somebody else constantly trying to manipulate and gaslit you and coerce you and drag you back into the family system so you need time to be able to develop this part of you and with all this conditioning they emotionally print if I child can develop such a deep sense of loyalty towards the parent right and often in coming totally enmeshed in their emotions so they won't be able to separate out where the parent ends and they begin and that's because the parent never allowed them to individuate in a healthy way right so they don't have any idea who they are separate from their parent and it can be really lonely and confusing right because while they're caring and managing for everyone else no one checks in on them and to see how they're doing and if they're okay and that's what's really lonely and a lot of times the parentified child won't even be able to identify that they're struggling until they're at breaking point and that's because they're not able to identify the struggle that they've carried all along and that's because they were treated as adults instead of being seen as a child who's emotionally developing and needs emotional support and this role is often reinforced as well outside the family home so teachers who are enjoying having a reliable sensible student in class or even you know somebody in a shop saying oh my god like it's wonderful that you're so good to your mother or other relations or it's wonderful seeing you it's so close to your mother and how good you get on yeah and especially the other parent because they won't want to step up in their romantic relationship and they will condition this right because ultimately they're abdicating their responsibilities and they're getting a free right if you are the emotional support if you are the substitute spouse and the boundaries are just skewed for the child and they're too young to understand that the problems that they're trying to solve are not their own and that it's not their responsibility to manage the emotional crisis of adults and learns to change their own behavior because what it does is sets them up an adulthood of feeling responsible for others problems other people's emotions other people's behaviors and spending endless time trying to fix those closest to them it's why then when we become parents we really struggle with our kids' emotions and we want to fix it we feel helpless that if they are struggling and that's directly tied into this helplessness that we felt as a child that we had to do something or we would be punished or we would be in trouble or that we were somehow bad and so it's really important because it is far reaching consequences into our adult lives to be able to recognize where we were conditioned with this, to begin to dismantle it and deconstruct that messaging because it was wrong it was never your responsibility and it isn't now and they're adults and they have choices and so do you and this will be uncomfortable that guilt that you were trained with, that you were conditioned with like if you were waiting for this to be easy I'm sorry to tell you so I'm not going to infantilize you like this this is going to be hard and I don't want to set you up for failure if you're waiting for this to be easy it won't happen it's a conditioning and a manipulation and a brainwashing that you are working against and so what you have to learn is that you are not bad and that guilt of somebody is manipulating you I was going to say give it back to them but they won't take it put it down put it down it's not yours to carry you are not a bad person for not continuing to stay in this role in fact this role is dysfunctional and if you stay in it it will be damaging to your relationships because how we are in one relationship is how we are and all okay I'm just looking at the time and I think to do instrumental printification and narcissistic printification justice I think I'm actually going to I didn't realize I was going to spend so long talking about this but I might just actually break them up and do individual episodes to really be able to pull it apart because this is the core this is the root and so to be able to identify this is to empower us to then make different decisions to be able to see the manipulation so then that we won't be manipulated to recognize that we will have choice in this to recognize that we're able to say no to step away and to recognize where this can be happening in other relationships especially that part that we can be sitting as that identified adult and telling other people how they should live their lives that's not up to us we get to care we get to care about relationships and the people in their lives but not tell them what to do their adults it's their choices I think if somebody has lived this for so long and it's kind of coming at the other side of it it can be so validating to hear if somebody is only just stumbling upon this episode if you've just been sent this and you're hearing this for the first time this takes time for you to even digest and assimilate this but what I will and what I do want to suggest to you and invite you see I'm not telling you what to do but I want to suggest to you to let this assimilate so not go and take this to your parent because you're hoping that they will do something different I want you to digest this and see how you want to behave yet to see what you want to do if this is the first episode that you've come across I do suggest you listen to the previous one just the episode gone and even episode one in this series and then if you want to listen to the other episodes where people are writing in letters for anyone listening I invite you to write us in your letter to myself and Ruth so again we did it on series two we're going to be doing it again on series four where we will read your letter and go through it and offer insight and to be able to recognize the dynamics that's happening and to be able to empower you then in your own choices and if there's anyone you want to share with this with the purpose to share that you think that they will benefit from listening to it please do because the more that we get this information out there the more we're able to recognize and then break the pattern like one person at a time okay and then next week I will be back to talk about instrumental printification and the narcissistic printification I'll see you next week take care bye