EMDR: Getting Over Past Trauma for Good

[MUSIC] >> Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. [MUSIC] >> So the year is 2005. At the end of 2005, we meet each other. >> Well, we loved off with sort of a cliffhanger story and life was a little crazy. So we're not going to go into all of that. Lots happens in the book between the Playboy Cancer Story and me meeting you. And it's not all good. It's some of it's very good. But there's a lot of ups and downs during that time. And then I meet you, yes. >> And then you meet me. And our first formal date was January 1st, 2006. We sort of think about as our anniversary. And actually we actually forget our real hands on purpose. >> I know it's terrible. >> We forget our real hands during a lot. >> I mean January 1st is easy to remember. >> So we remember that. And so 15 years ago. >> Yeah. >> I totally didn't trust you. >> And I was like really excited. >> Yeah, I almost canceled my first date. >> To meet you, I've been to our six years and had a couple of relationships that. You know, we're fine, but they weren't awesome. And then I meet you when you are beautiful, you're smart, you're funny. My heart goes pitter-patter. And then you keep pushing me away, pushing me away. Pushing me away. >> Well, you kept trying to marry me. Like you just like fell. >> I can't ask you to marry me for a term. >> You were pretty serious, pretty quick. And it's just you were so nice and I didn't trust it. It's like I kept waiting for the other shoot of fall. There's no way I trusted that you were that nice. >> Yeah, no, I should have been way more anxious than I was about you. >> I tried to tell you, I tried to tell you. I was helping you. I tried to tell you I am doing you a favor. Did I not? >> You did and you were wrong. >> [LAUGH] >> Because ultimately being married to is the best decision I've made. So, you know, I sort of had a sense that you were the one. And then you kept going away. But there are a couple of really pivotal parts. >> Yeah. >> After we met, because this is just how I am, I scanned you. >> [LAUGH] >> Like two and a half weeks later, I'm like, you haven't seen the clinic. Don't you want to see the clinic? >> And I'm like, and you want to see my naked brain. I did give you credit for most original lines. Yeah, I heard a lot of lines and that one was very original. And during our first day, I sort of thought you had ADD. >> I did not have ADD. >> You totally had ADD your whole life. >> [LAUGH] >> Your mother has ADD from hell. >> And I just thought ADD was total nonsense and excuse to fail, not try. >> And when I sort of just ask questions. >> Yeah, you're like, you're like, but you drink two pots of coffee every day. And in your words, you get up at four o'clock in the morning to do a hard two hour workout. So you can quote unquote clear the cobwebs. And I'm like, yeah, so. >> [LAUGH] >> And you're working at trauma unit where it's like the most intense unit in the hospital. >> And a lot of trauma doctors are ADD because they just thrive on the dopamine hit. And so when I scanned you, showed yes indeed you did have a little bit. But then your brain had been hurt. >> Yeah, which I also thought was crazy. >> But I'm like, well, have you ever had a brain injury? Now she works on a neurosurgical ICU unit so she thinks you have to have like- >> That means like, yeah, you crack your skull open. >> It's so- >> When I asked her. >> You're in a coma. >> And she said now and then I asked her again and she said, well, it was 25 and my sister fell asleep at the wheel and we were going 75 miles an hour. And she fell asleep and the car flipped three times. And the room for the car was smashed in and you lived only because you were reclined. >> I was reclined, yeah. And I walked away. So I guess I was just so grateful that I walked away from it. I remember being jostled back and forth. But I think I hit my head on that. >> But if you just think of your brain is soft, your skull is hard. Your skull has sharp, bony ridges. Those forces of your brain spinning. >> Well, it makes sense. I mean, as a nurse, I'm like we arrest people for shaking babies in room, right? So for a reason. But until then, that never made sense to me because I'm thinking brain injury means you're in a coma. So, you know, those types of things. >> And you were not. And I could see evidence on- >> Yeah, I could see a little dent. I'm like, what the heck is that? >> Yeah. And sometimes I can go with mood instability, irritability, not that anyone would ever notice that. >> As long as I'm not in line. I can't be in line. I hate being in line. And I don't like when construction is like a month. >> But even despite that, you had a beautiful brain. And one of the first things I said is I hope they didn't put you on ProZak. >> Yeah. And I literally my jaw hit the time like why? And he said because he's like, you know, he's like, there are probably medications that would have helped you, but that wouldn't be one I would suspect did. He said, you said you were depressed, did they put you on ProZak? And I'm like, they did. And it almost ruined my life. And I imagine some crazy stuff on ProZak. And so I'm not just lucky that I, whether it was the grace of God, or I still had some, you know, semblance of control left enough to just like not totally ruin my life. But it could have ruined my life. And so you're like, and I'm like, why would you not put me on ProZak? And then you sort of show me my brain scan. You're like, this part of your brain is sleepy, your frontal lobes. And what ProZak does is it increases serotonin. It's a serotonin we have taken, Hibiter. So it increases the available serotonin, which drops your frontal lobes, but yours are already sleepy. So if you put someone on something that drops their frontal lobes and their frontal lobes are already sleepy, that increases in pulsivity. And it affects their judgment. And it's the executive center of their brain. And I'm like, ding, ding, ding, ding, my whole life made sense. Like that whole period of time where I was like, why do I just keep doing stupid things and I don't care? Like the weird part was it wasn't the stupid doing stupid things wasn't even the craziest part. It was the not caring because that's not like me. I'm an anxious person. Like you know me, I'm a very anxious person. So it did not. I prepare for the end of the world. I prepare for everything. Like I mean, in school, I was like, everything had to be turned in way early. So all of a sudden I just didn't care. And for that, and much went off, rose out, it went away. And so I was like, oh my god, that makes so much sense. And I remember thinking that psychiatrist that put me on that and he had increased, he had doubled my dose when I complained that I didn't feel right. Like he should have been arrested for not actually like paying attention. >> He's taught not to. >> Okay, well, he shouldn't have been taught that. I'm sorry, I'm a patient. >> So the judgmental drive is right in his head. >> Absolutely. >> When it ruins your life, yes, I get to say that. Yes, I do. Anybody out there feel this way? Anybody else out there experiences? Please leave a comment I want to know. Because I know I'm not the only one. >> You are not. >> Yes. >> So lots of insights. And another thing you told me was since the age of four, you had up or lowered GIs. And I'm like, well, what happened at four? And nothing. >> My standard response was nothing, my other thing was fine. >> And then I learned your uncle was really sneaky. Like you're super sneaky. >> Oh, no, I have a book. >> Yeah, don't say, don't date a shrink. >> Called the brain and love that actually wrote when we were dating, the brain and love. And there's chapter six. It's called seeing the dead animals around the oasis of love. It's actually if you're dating. >> And you didn't run when you met me? >> It's actually when you're dating, how to screen people for brain health, emotional health issues. Are they going to be a good partner or not? Well, for me, I have this rescue thing. Which you hate because you're not a rescue. >> I miss because I don't think of myself as an animal. >> I don't think of myself as a victim either. >> You're not a victim. >> Yeah. >> But I thought- >> That's why I kept pushing. >> Because I cared about you that I could be helpful to you. And so when I learned really the stories in the relentless curve- >> Like I said, you're sneaky about getting information. >> That with hell, you could just be even more amazing than I already thought you were. And one of my first gifts to you was EMDR. >> Well, but let's go back to the story because you're like, what happened at four? Like you were having a fun large eyes that doesn't make sense. And then you found out that my uncle was murdered and- >> And you thought my dad was coming and going and doing drugs and whatever. There was a lot of stuff that was- And that's how I said it to him. Like yeah, but it was just like, what happens to everybody, right? It's like garden-ready dysfunctional. And so you're like, and you just, you had that look right there. and your life. like, no, that's not like no. (laughs) You're like, so two weeks after this incident where your uncle was murdered and there was screaming and chaos and craziness in your house and you get pushed away and you feel sort of rejected. You start having these GI issues and I was sick all the time. I mean, I was always on antibiotics. - Well, and most people don't know, Sarah Tonin that helps you feel normal is wildly important to your gut and it gives you a sense of safety that you can eat these foods or you can digest these foods. So thanks, Sarah Tonin and safety and you had no safety at the time. - No, I did not. - You had no safety. So when we come back, we're gonna talk about how important trauma therapy is to being well. Do you learn anything besides don't marry a psychiatrist? Write it down. Post it on any of your social media sites. Leave us a comment, question or review. - On busy clinic days or long writing sessions, I take peak energy for clean, steady focus, no crash. It just won a 2025 Next-D award beating over 500 supplements. Get yours at brainmd.com. Use code podcast20 for 20% off. - Welcome back. We are still talking about my journey and when I met you and how things changed and my reluctance at dating a psychiatrist. So we're talking about the relentless courage of a scared child. So yeah, things changed when I met you. - Yeah, now pay attention to the lessons. There's a lot of lessons and we just dearly love it. If you write it down, post it on any of your social media sites, hashtag, brain warriors way, podcast. - I mean, that's one of the reasons I wrote this, right? I wrote this because there's no reason for me to just have people like realistically looking into my life. I wrote this because the lessons and the things that people write to me. So I really want, and the comments I've been getting recently with some of the stuff we've been talking about have been sort of mind-blowing. So I know there's a lot of people suffering and I think when we open up this part of ourselves, it's really scary, but all of a sudden you just don't feel alone. The stories I've been getting, the messages I've been getting have been really, really powerful. So I really do love getting those from you. Please keep sending them and that is the reason that we're talking about all this. So let me know if it resonates. - So knowing about this trauma, I'm thinking of myself. - And I hated when you used the word trauma. Do you remember that? I got so angry. I'm like, I am not traumatized. But you can see it on my skin. - I could. - You showed me the trauma pattern in my skin, the PTSD pattern. I'm like, what? No, I don't have trauma. Like I'm not trauma, no. - Yeah, no. denial is a very important defense mechanism. - Right. - And you were in denial. Yeah, you had just come out of a pretty traumatic marriage that was not good. - A little bit. - And you hadn't been settled. And you had a baby. That Chloe was just turned two after we had met. And I adored her. She had 12 word sentences. I mean, she's just a little chatterbox. She still is. And so, you know, no matter who is in my life, I always just want them to be better. So you can go, you have, you know, rescue complex. And I'm like, that's why I get a sense of significance. - Right, so what? - Being helpful. That's why we do this. I like being helpful. And for whatever reason, my oxytocin level went way up when I was with you. It just made me happy. And so, a couple of important things. I took you to meet my friend, Byron Katie, who I was mind bending. - I had read her book, Loving What Is. So right before I had met you, I dated someone for three years. And when she went away, it just broke my heart. I mean, I was just not normal. It's really the first time in my life, except losing my grandfather, I felt grief. I mean, it's just super off and sad. And then she and I are published by the same imprint at Random House. And I read her book and then I got to meet her. And then I got to treat half the people in her family, that sort of goes with me. And I just, I fell in love with her work. And I still teach it all the time. - Me too. - And I had an opportunity to go visit her. And so you and I went and visited her. - I had no idea what I was in for. - And what did you learn? - So first of all, I was, well, I thought that I was really good at having my wall, my facade intact. I was really good at it. And most people thought I had a pretty, even you thought I had it pretty together. I mean, yeah, you're a shrink and you would get little pieces out of me, but you still thought I'd have my life pretty together for the most part. I mean, I had a good job at my house. I had it at my house and didn't have a lot of bills and on the outside of the floor. - There's so much attractive about you from how smart you are, how empathic you are, to be a neurosurgical ICU nurse, you can take care of the sickest people. So kind, competent, beautiful. And you know, we went through the whole playboy thing. So yeah, I mean, there's just, I was completely taken, but thought maybe with a few, a few. - But you kept seeing this trauma. But even you, - You kept seeing the trauma. - Yeah, you kept mentioning this trauma and I was so irritated. - And it irritated me. But what even you didn't know at first was that I had never really addressed that I had suffered with an eating disorder secretly. So from the time I was 17 years old, when my mom took me to UCLA eating disorders clinic and they freaked me out so badly that I left. And just, I'm like, I did not come here to get labeled and see people die. I mean, someone went into a code blue while I was there as 17 year old, 'cause she had a heart, she went into heart failure or no cardiac arrest. And it freaked me out so badly that I never went back and got treated. And so I just would exercise as hard as I could to manage my anxiety. But every now and then it would, it would peak its head. When I got cancer and I couldn't exercise or when I went through my divorce and I was working like crazy hours and trying to take care of a baby and just life was just overwhelming. And then it would, it popped its head up. And I just, I felt like such a failure, but I couldn't let anyone see that. And so I didn't even tell you and I couldn't say the word. So I couldn't say the certain words like molested. I couldn't say, mega-say in the context of other people, but not me. I couldn't say the B word. And so I remember when I met Byron Katie and one of the first things she asked me was, how long I'd suffered with an eating disorder. And I'm like, or she said disorder eating. Or something, I don't remember exactly what she said. But I'm like, what I was stunned. And I had finally just told you like on the drive up there. I don't know why I'd something to prompt you. - That's actually not what I was in the hotel room. - And I was so angry at you 'cause I thought you told her. And you're like, I didn't say anything. I just learned myself. I just found out myself. And so I was like so mad because I was, I prided myself on no one knowing anything. And it just, everything began to crumble from that moment. It just like, like a just like a house of cards just began to one by one, you know, just breakdown. Yeah, so I write the story in the book and it's a pretty powerful story about how she turned that thought around, you know, with the is it true? Can you know it's true? How do you feel when you have that thought? Who would you be without that thought? And then we turn it to its opposite. And it was just, it's a really powerful lesson. - Well, and then I took you to a three day workshop. - Oh. - I'm Katie, I'm at Esselin. - Yeah. And there's this very powerful exercise where she has you write down your thoughts about your body. - Yeah. - And what you discovered was in your like, in a size zero genes and that your thoughts were virtually identical. - To every woman in there. - To every woman. - No matter what they looked like, no matter what size they were, how old they were, it was mind boggling. They all had the exact same thoughts. - And you actually tell the story in the book of a woman who stands up and reads her list and it's the same as your list. But she's like, - I'm much older than I am. - And overweight. - Yeah. And I'm like, I was so mind boggling. - And then you got up and it was just like shocked me. - Yeah. - In front of all those people. - Because I knew never would do that. - There were like hundreds of people there. - And you commented on her thoughts. - And I commented on mine. 'cause she had said something about sort of women like me. And I was like, "Oh, hold up right now." (laughing) - And then afterwards, you told someone else you struggled with the Navy and Disorder, and I'm looking at you, like you actually said that. - I said that loud, yeah. - You said it loud loud. And in so many ways, it was free. - Well, it opened up the door. I knew that wasn't it. I wasn't done. That was the beginning. All of a sudden, I felt ready to go to therapy. I felt ready to, you would give me a gift of 10 sessions of EMDR. And I, at first I was like, "Why would you give me a gift of therapy?" - I wanna talk about that in the next one, 'cause it's such an important treatment tool for trauma. - But only a shrink would give you. - But in therapy as a gift. - But in S.A.L.N., you really got to dive deeply into these five questions. - Oh yeah. - Right. You are not your mind. In fact, I'm gonna give you is a bonus for staying with us. A new exercise that I learned from our friend, Stephen Hayes, you're gonna meet him soon, is give your mind a name. That way you can separate from your mind. And the name I've given my mind is Hermi. So Hermi was my pet raccoon when I was 16 and I loved her. I actually didn't know it was her until she had babies. But Hermi used to talk all the time. - Yes, yes. - All the time. And she never said anything, at least anything that I - That made sense. - That made sense. And now that I've named my mind, Hermi, that I get to choose if I listen to it or I don't listen to it. And what Katie really teaches is you don't have to believe every stupid thing you think. - Right. - Is it helping or is it hurting? You should carry these three words around with you all the time is it true. That just because you have a thought has nothing to do with whether or not it's true. And then you actually ended up taking her nine day course - I did. - To really get in the deep end. - That was hard. - Yeah. - Of managing your mind. And that you don't have to believe everything you think. All right. So when we come back, we're gonna talk about your experience with EMDR, you know, masterful therapist. And it was hard. And initially some of the feelings you had like about your mom, it turned from, oh, we have this great relationship to not so much. And which then came full circle. So anyways, stay with us. If you learned anything like give your mind a name, write it down, post it on any of your social media sites. - Struggling with your mental health at Aiman Clinics, we use brain imaging and personalized care to help you heal at 11 locations. Atlanta, Chicago, Dallas, DC, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Miami, New York, Orange County, California, Seattle and Scottsdale. Visit AimanClinics.com. - Welcome back. I'm here with my beautiful wife. And we're talking about her new book, The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child. I am so proud of her. And in this session, we're gonna talk about trauma in a specific treatment for trauma called EMDR. - But before we do, I want to read a review. Three Wiley girls. This podcast was the first podcast to start listening to and it's changed my life and my family. My husband had severe acid reflux and allergies. He no longer has to take medicine. Wow, my two girls, 13 and 14 are now eating healthy food as a choice, not because they have to. I'm a middle-aged woman with midlife issues and I'm happy to report I run circles around women half by age. I love that. I've also learned how to love my brain, which in turn taught me how to love myself. When mom is happy, the whole family is happy. Isn't that true? - It's so true, at least in my house. - So thank you so much for that. You get either the end of mental illness or the relentless curative is scared child or you can have the cookbook, the brain works. - Well, and we have to make sure we tell people that we have an event. - Oh, that's right. - December 12th. And you can sign up for the event at tanamon.com/abent. You can also pre-order the book. And if you do, you get all sorts of gifts at relentlesscurage.com. So if you have thoughts, it's over $400 worth of gifts. - You get a lot of great pre-things. - But if you go to Amazon or somewhere else, you need to then go to my site and show me the receipt and then we'll give you the gifts. If you go to relentlesscurage.com, you can just download them. Yeah. Or you can go to relentlesscurage.com and actually enter your receipt number. - Yeah. So trauma, sort of the whole book is trauma. - It's overcoming trauma. - That overcoming trauma. So one of my gifts to you. So I studied EMDR. And I first learned about it around 1995. And I had an EMDR trainer who worked with us in our Northern California clinic, our first clinic. Her name was Jennifer Lendel and I just loved her. And 1996, I get investigated by the California Medical Board because I'm doing imaging. And it's like you shouldn't be doing things outside the standard of care. So for a whole year, I got investigated and I wasn't sleeping, I was anxious, I was traumatized. And I went and did one session with it 'cause she saw I was really upset. And she's like, come here. We did one session. That one was like 30 minutes. And I never felt anxious about the investigation again. We won the investigation, nothing bad happened. I became an expert for the California Medical Board after that and I'm like, wow, this is so powerful that could take a traumatizing, ongoing, traumatizing event and make me not care about it. Now I still did all the things I needed to do to win the investigation, but I was impressed by how much that helped me. And then I did a study on EMDR on police officers who were involved in shootings and all of them went back to work. They were all off work and it changed their brain. And so when I'm listening about the murder of your uncle, the near drowning, the molestation, the date ray, the attack on that 15 cancer. It just reads like a horror film. I'm like, you know, I think this'll help you. So I actually paid for 10 sessions of EMDR. You saw a wonderful. She was fantastic. EMDR therapist. So what was it like for you? So initially I was reluctant 'cause I'm like, I'm not gonna go in and have some shrink. It's like having me bang my head against a wall talking about my problems for three years and telling me how screwed up my mom is. I'm not doing it. So I was very reluctant. I didn't really understand what EMDR was. I was in a psycho babble. I was like, I didn't like walkie talkies when I was working. I wanted them intubated and insidated, like make no mistake about it. I don't want to talk about problems. So that was me. - How did we get together? - I know, right. I was cans of my first date with you. But that's how I survived. I had survived by not being a victim, by not talking about it as a problem. But that doesn't mean I was thriving. It just means I was surviving. And so, but I finally after the Byron Cady event, I went, you know, maybe there's a chance that life is better than this. I mean, it just opened up that possibility. Maybe there's a chance that life is better than this, that I don't have to hide so much. And I don't have to pretend so much. And so it's like, you know, the fake, it till you make it, I thought that was normal. And so I remember going in and I thought, I'll go try it once. But I don't like it, I don't have to go back. And I went and she was so cool. Number one, my therapist was so cool. Like I loved her. She just completely was like identified with me. She was really good at gaining rapport. So I really loved her. She herself had, well, actively had cancer. So I just, I just really loved her. But I didn't realize EMDR is sort of like, it's not really a shortcut. I don't want to call it a shortcut. It's not a shortcut. But you don't need to go on and on and on and on for a long period of time. You sort of quickly cut to the chase with EMDR. You get to the core of the trauma really quickly. And I still wasn't even sure I felt about this for trauma. But she'd ask certain questions. And then she does the eye movement thing, which I'm like, how the hell is this going to work? So you could learn more about EMDR at EMDR. I-A.org EMDR International Association.org. Yeah. And I write it. about it and a number of my books. And it's just so-- Yeah, but no one is more skeptical than I am about stuff like this. So I'm very skeptical. Say, psychobab. Psychobab, right? Which you're now promoted all the time. Because it works. So she's doing this eye thing. And all of a sudden these weird random thoughts are popping up in my head. Like weird random thoughts are popping up in my head. And I'm like, she's like so-- I have to feel about this now. And I'm like, I don't know, weird thoughts are coming in my head. She's like, nothing is random. So tell me what it is. So all of a sudden it's like this sweater unraveling. And I'm like, things I thought that were normal when I was growing up, all of a sudden I'm like, I don't even know how to explain it. They began to connect. It's like putting a puzzle together. But then you can see the whole picture. And it no longer sort of doesn't make sense. Does that make sense? Like all of a sudden the whole picture just comes together. And you're like, oh, it's not this weird random pieces of puzzle pieces anymore. And so-- And so your behaviors begin to make sense. And the eye movement actually is common. The limbic or emotional structures in your brain. And so you begin to take away the emotional charge of those earlier-- But I will say this. It did take-- like what happened for me was, I don't know if this happens for everybody. And maybe it's because I had had a number of traumatic events even though that was hard for me to-- It's like-- Hundreds, over. About hundreds. But-- No. When you grew up with screaming and gunshots and people breaking into the house and your mom not coming home night after night after night, there are hundreds, maybe thousands-- But I think I survived. I think I survived. But I survived. And I know people watching-- I know, because I'm getting the messages. I keep hearing, my life was your life. So I know that there's a lot of people who go through that. And I started telling myself it was normal. I started telling myself that was normal. So when I started to all of a sudden realize, oh, wait, maybe that wasn't so normal. That was hard. And that's when, rather than getting better right away, it was like I almost had to acknowledge that it wasn't normal. Do a little bit of backtracking. It got worse before it got better. And I started unraveling all of those events, almost one by one. If that makes sense. And so I found myself feeling angry before I felt better. Like, people that I thought that I was close to, I'm like, that wasn't normal. That wasn't OK what happened. Like, I found myself getting kind of angry, like the child that should have reacted that way, that didn't, that couldn't. All of a sudden was angry. And then I came full circle. And I was able to let it go. So for me, I don't know if that's normal for everybody. It's very normal. And your mom, who, when you and I first met, you had idolized that-- That she was tough. That took a dip. It did. It took a dip. It was hard. That some of the things she did, she was doing them off and for her attempted survival. But they were clearly not good for a child. Right. And she was a young mom. I mean, now I understand the whole writing my story helped me understand the whole perspective. But it got worse before it got better. Does that? It actually can help you put childhood wounds into an adult perspective. And you can have your adult self go back and almost reparent. Right. That's kind of what happened. In you. And so I want to hear-- Which made you a better mother. That was one of my reasons for doing it. One of my big motivations for doing it was I wanted to parent my daughter from a healthy place. And I knew I wasn't going to. I was going to be doing it from this fake place. In fact, I have a story about my daughter walking down the mall with me. And she stopped and looked at me. And she goes, Mommy, people look at you funny. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, they look at you like you're shiny. And I was like, oh my god, what she was seeing was my facade. And if my toddler could see this, I was so worried that she was going to grow up thinking that was normal. And-- See, no. People look at you because you're beautiful. That's how I saw it. I have-- we were in Venice on a-- OK, no, stop, stop. What are you telling us? And people will go, stop. American Barbie. OK, that's not important. That's why people look at you because you're stunning. But that's not what I wanted. I didn't want her growing up thinking she had to have makeup all the time, or haired on all the time. Then if she wanted to be in sweats and no makeup, that was fine. I wanted her to value herself for more than her physical appearance, because I knew how painful it was when you lose that. So I felt like she was seeing the facade. And so whether that's what it was or not, it told me that I needed to change something. All right, when we come back. But before we come back, I want to hear from you. Your messages have been just so encouraging to me. This was a very scary journey for me to take. It was a painful journey for me to take. But hearing from you about your things that you went through growing up that you've been afraid to talk about up until now, that you haven't shared, or that maybe you're finding the courage to finally share. I want to hear from you, please. So tag me. Yeah, so did you learn anything? Hydration is more than just water. Your brain needs the right balance of electrolytes. I add smart electrolytes to my water every morning for fast hydration, brain support, and all day energy. There's no sugar, just clean ingredients. Try it at brainmd.com with code podcast20 for 20% off. Welcome back. We are still talking about my journey through the relentless courage of a scared child. We are hopefully finding and touching on topics that relate to you. And some of the things that you guys have dealt with growing up, I'm getting these messages. I love them. Keep them coming, please. And we left off with EMDR and when we were dating. And it was sort of a perfect segue into about four months into our relationship. I didn't know I'd do what I was getting myself into with you. It's been the best time of your life. It has. But it was-- [LAUGHTER] I was faced with a lot of personal work. Let's put it that way. It's out of pain. Right. Children have growing pains. It's because they're going to be bigger. And there we are. Just like working out in the gym. And one of the early things that happened for us. So when I was writing, the brain and love, it just had been very clear to me. If you want someone to fall in love with you, you want to do something special for someone they love. But you probably should make sure they actually want you to do that for the first time. And so you got a call. From my sisters, my two half sisters. And they were freaked out because my dad had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He was a recluse. He wouldn't come out of his room. He wasn't showering. He wasn't called at the grocery store. He was-- yeah, he was a mess. And I hadn't seen my dad. Now, because of my situation with him growing up, he had left when I was a baby. We did not have a good situation or a relationship growing up. Even after he finally came back and decided he was going to become a Baptist minister. And that was very complicated. His journey with religion was complicated and complicated our relationship more. I'll leave it if that. But I write about it in the book. But it didn't make things better. Let me put it that way. Then he leaves the ministry. And again, now doing drugs with my sister, one of my half sisters. And I just disconnected from him. And I finally had stopped being angry at him, but I also did not have a relationship with him. I finally along the way was just like, I'm too tired to be angry with him anymore. I disconnected from him, didn't talk to him for years. And then finally, I was just like, I'm too exhausted to be angry, but I don't want to-- I don't want him like in my life. And so then I get this call from my sisters that he is diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And they need help. And I'm like, and what's your point? Not my monkey, not my circus. Like, he's never been there for me. It's not my job to be there for him. And that's really how I felt. I had just come out of a really awful divorce. I was finally dating. Something my life was finally getting back on track. I was doing a lot of hard work with myself. I had a baby, a toddler. And that was not even close to on my list of things to do. Was taking a dad that had never been there for me. Yeah, and for me, family is super important. Dumb one of seven. Your family's not like my family. Minds like Jerry Springer, yours is like leave it to be ver. So mind is like the nightmare in Elm Street, actually. And so with his diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease, one of the reasons I got so excited about it is one of my very first cases was Matilda, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And SPACT is actually very good at distinguishing, is it Alzheimer's or vascular dementia or frontal temporal lobe dementia or pseudo dementia? And Matilda-- Yeah, but they really care if that's true. --and pseudo dementia. And when I put her on the right hand, treatment for her brain, she got her memory back. And it's one of those dopamine aha. Oh my god, incredible moments. I mean, it's sort of like the movie "Awakenings." And when you have that kind of experience as a doctor, you remember it. And it just gave me all the chemicals of happiness. And so when I- And I loved what you did. I just didn't want to bring my dad into my life. And so I said, "Well, you know, you should bring him down and we should see him. And at least, let me work him up." And I'm like, "And where is he going to stay?" And you're like with you. And I'm like, "No, no, no. I think that." I mean forever. I just meant what I was going to work him up. And it happened. Well, keep going with the story. So I scan him. He doesn't have Alzheimer's disease. In fact, he's on a toxic, toxic combination of medication that I end up pulling them off the medications. I mean, he had to stay so that I could work the plan. And let's repeat that. He had to stay. So it wasn't temporary. So you could work the plan, which means he lived with me. And yeah. And what happened? So here's the truth. It didn't just all of a sudden, our relationship didn't just all of a sudden get better, but we had time. We ended up with time. As his brain got better, we started having these opportunities to heal. And within months, he was actually not only did he not have Alzheimer's disease, he had a pseudor dementia and it gets better. He loses 20 pounds. He starts teaching all day seminars at the church and leading Bible study in my house. And he starts getting sort of back into his ministry. And I'm like, "I don't know if I trust this right now because I've never really trusted that with him." But he started, like I really could see this sincerity probably for the first time, probably honestly for the first time ever. And so we started to have these opportunities to talk. And over time, we also had a lot of hard times that we had to work through. But we had the opportunity to have those hard times to work through. And then fast forward when we finally get married. He became more independent. And as we got married, we ended up helping him get a roommate. And then a few years later, he ends up passing away with like a leukemia, like a blood disorder, similar to leukemia. And nothing related to his brain. And he ends up moving back in with us. He was on hospice. And so we moving back in with us at the end of his life. And so he ends up dying in my arms with me praying for him. But I had the opportunity to really work on all of that anger that I had had with all of those bad memories growing up, all the anger that I had with him. And I was able to completely forgive it. And he had a harder time forgiving himself than I had for forgiving him. I didn't realize how much he had been carrying. It was regret for the way he had handled his life and how he had been a dad. And so we were able to work through that. And it really was a gift. And that was when I really realized, you know, it was the second time that I realized, okay, I was arguing with God again. And first time was at the drug rehab center. And it's like, no, God was trying to give me this gift. And I kept trying to push it away. He was giving me this gift of healing. You're serious. You're going to take the credit now. Are you? I'm going to take the credit for being who I am, which is you're amazing wanting to be helpful. And when someone is suffering, it's just so easy to call people bad. It's when you grow up and trauma is easier. When you grow up and trauma is easier. And it's just harder to go why. But when you've seen tens of thousands, actually, it's getting closer to hundreds of thousands of scans, it just softens your heart. And you just go, well, why was he like that? And which of the four circles that you and I always talk about were broken or in his case, pretty much all of them. And his mother had suffered with severe depression. And he was abused when he was young. And you got to meet your uncle. Yeah. And so one of the gifts through that was that I didn't even know my dad. My dad didn't introduce me to his half brother or talk about him when I was growing up. I didn't really see my dad. He has his half brother that I didn't even know about. And when I met Bill, Bill ends up being like this amazing human who is so much like me. Yeah, I'm like, why wasn't he my dad? Like he was he literally was like, I'm like, we had so much in common. It's crazy. He's like so into karate. I was super into karate. Like we just had so much in common. And I'm like, that was the weirdest thing. And it was right at the end of my dad's life that we connected. And it was like this last little gift that I got was like, Oh, this person, like I'm so bonded to him. And it's it we just like instantly bonded. And it was yeah, it was pretty amazing. Yeah. So as he passes, you really get. And my am patty too, like both of them are just amazing humans. And I just love them. Yeah. So the help was for him. And the healing was for me. Yeah. So what did you learn? Has that ever happened to you where you had to take care of someone you resented and you didn't want to do it? And what happened? I would love to hear the story. Write it down what you learned. That's happy. Brain Warriors way podcast and Tana Aiman. And if you can relate, we'd love to read your story. Post it at brainwreerswaypodcast.com. We'll enter you into a contest to raffle to win a copy of the relentless courage of a scared child. I hope you just give it away to so many of the people you know who struggled in relationships. I guess what that's all of us. You guys have heard about the goat. No one is immune. I was a leave it to be for with a little bit of Texas chance. At least at least of your I know I always think of your family. Your family is so amazing. And then I heard that story and I'm like, oh, okay. I don't feel quite so bad about my life now.