Elle Orlando

What up with you, ginger fans. Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. And I am on tour right now this weekend. This very present moment. I'm in San Francisco, San Francisco. Also out this weekend. Thank you, San Francisco. Next week. I'm in Brea, Brea, California. Where are you? Come out and see your boy. Tempe and probably go return to ASU, Hammond, Indiana, right before Thanksgiving. Then in the New Year, I'm at Windsor, Ontario, Canada, Bethlehem, PA, Hanover, Maryland, Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then San Diego, then Canyonville, Oregon. And of course, I end this little jaunt in Vegas at the Wind Casino in Las Vegas in March. So come see me. Go to Andrew Santino dot com with us. It gets Andrew Santino dot com. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. Oh, that creature in the gingerbread. Sturdy, ginger, the ginger gene is cut. Ginger is a fugitive. You only five dollars for the whisky. 75 dollars for the whore. Ginger is our hell now. This whisky is excellent. Ginger, I like ginger. All right, we're ready. Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to whisky ginger. My guest is one of my favorite people. I'll say that for all my guests. But I mean once again, today, it's in Orlando. Which is not your real name. Everybody knows your name is L. Shonefield in Stine. But why did you change it? You were afraid? Well, yeah, I mean, with all the Israel and Palestine. Good move. Good move. You thought you had to get rid of all this stuff? Yeah, yeah. I just don't want to be connected to anything. That was my first thought was Orlando's not your real name. It is my real name. That's what everyone thinks. But it does feel like a stage name. It is my real name. It is. It's where I swear. I guess, but it's Italian. Italian. And if you know anything about Italian, if you know about Italian. Well, you don't know nothing about Italian. Yes, I do. And if you know, if you know anything about Italians, you know, you know that Orlando is Italian. Is it though? For real? For real. For real. I went to Ellis Island, right? Where my where my boys came came came true. And, um, I mean, my dad went and we went to find our guy and the there's so many Orlando's. Really? It's like, like Orlando, Orlando, Orlando. It's a very common name in southern Orlando. Orlando. Orlando. Yeah. And I went there. It's not Spanish though. Orlando. I know. But if it's the last name, it's Italian. If it's the first name, it's Spanish. Is that right? That's right. Santino is not really a last name. I don't think we found any Santino. It's mostly a first name. Santino. It's really own. Dude, the godfather. I got. Oh, yeah. I guess so. Why is it your last name? Where your relatives, Nazis and then they changed it? Yep. That's what I thought. That's what I fucking knew it. They, you're just, you're just Nazi blood right there at that rate. Yeah, just streaming through me, dude. I think they, I think the rumor was my grandfather, my, my great grandfather didn't understand the forms because he was dumb. And he, his surname was not, was something else. And so they put his first name down as his last name. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They do that. They like, they fucked it up. Yeah. They're like, my name's retarded. Get out of your guido. Just get out. Get out of your fucking guido. And he's like 100%. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is my Irish grandfather. It was like Santino. Yeah. All right. That's fine. Well, Irish were the lowest on the totem pole. We just talked about that. We were the bottom. You're so, um, I'm two, I'm Irish and Italian, two of the lows of the low. The worst. That's my dad Irish and Italian. I think they liked us the least for some reason. I think it's the two worst group of people on the earth combined. But it's, you know, you're a mutant. It's the best. No, it's, you guys are the most toxic, horrible people. He is too. He's Irish and Italian. No, just an Irish pig. Yeah. Pretty Irish. Just an Irish. Irish is okay. Italian is not great. And I mean, I'm Italian, but I'm just saying, Italians are fucking devils. Oh, they're not there. Most of our listeners are Italian. No, I love Italian. This streams out directly to Milan. I love Italians, but they're, they're sneaky fuckers. I like this Hulk shirt. That's pretty red. I just noticed that. Thank you. Hulk's mashed, dude. It's falling apart. That kind of looks like you a little bit. You can look healthy because I'm a big fat green guy. Thank you. Santino loves to call me fat. I love calling you fat. It's my favorite thing in the world. I said, I said, what should my goal weight be? He said under a hundred. Got to be. I said, otherwise, you're a fat, so you fatty fat. I like calling people fat that aren't fat. It's only funny if you're not fat. If you are fat, you think so. I think it's way funny if they are fat. No, if they're fat, it's a hurtful and rude. It's so mean. I know you do that. We'll go up to people and pinch their waist and go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then walk away. Oh, no, no. Have a good night. Bye. You get to finish that? Eat up, Piggy. I think it is, I said that yesterday to a friend. It's only funny if someone isn't fat to call them fat. Yeah, but you're kind of a pussy for that though. No, dude, I think it gets in your head more because you're not fat and I go, whatever, fatso, and then you kind of think about it a little bit more. Yeah, today you said lose some weight before you get to this podcast. I said before you show up. Can you trim down a little bit? A little bit. Do some push ups. And I knew you were eating at that moment. You're probably having breakfast and I was like, I don't get nervous. You thought I ate this morning? That's hilarious. You don't eat in the morning? No, I had a tea. I'm skinny, baby. I'm skinny. You got to stay skinny. Put it on record. I'm skinny. Do you not eat breakfast? I just, I'm not into it in the morning. I like breakfast food and I can get into it. I can get hungry at any moment, but yeah, I'm just not into it in the morning. You don't need first thing in your work. I'm more like a lunch guy. You are a lunch dog. I love love sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck up the sandwich. See you are fat. And you know what? New York doesn't have the best sandwiches. I love that we're going to do that. Well, I love this because there's so many people from New York going to be like, what is she talking about? No, I know. They're going to be like, we got the best sandwiches. The sandwiches we get. But I like, I like a, like the Midwest has great sandwiches, like a Jimmy John sandwich. You like a JJs? Of course. Or like a, or like a Mike? Hot delis. Jersey mics. Hot pop delis. Oh my god. Fuck me. She's from Chicago. She's another Midwestern or on this show. Yeah. Yeah. Well, not Midwest. What is it? Shy Rack. Shy Rack. That's what she said. Yeah. Murder cat. Murder cat. Come get shot from hardcore from the suburbs of the northern suburbs, the hardest of the core. Hardest by six flags. We talked about that. I love six flags. Yeah. We don't even, you know what's so funny is I only call it six flags now because I live in the West Coast. But as a kid, we only refer to that as great America. No one ever said six flags as a kid. When I moved here, they call it six flags. There's some people say magic mountain, but I interchanged. You know, see, we only said magic. We only said great America when I was a kid. I didn't really know six flags was a chain. It's kind of like, it's kind of like Breton in England. What do you say? It's, it's like the same thing. Oh, I think I say trash heap. I think I say shithole. Now, we love London. That way. We had a great time. London is great. I've never been, but I want to go so bad. I love the accents. Well, the best part about London is if you go there now, you get to visit Britain and the Middle East at the exact same time. Mom's house. Mom's house. We get to go back to mom's house. We get to back to mommy's house. I like, I like Britain. I think I call it England. I don't say Britain. You say Britain. Sometimes I, I, it never feels right. I don't know where Britain comes from. Or like, Britain. Maybe they only use that word in history or something. Yeah, historically, it's great Britain. It's great Britain. But then England and the United Kingdom. I say that. If you really want to be protection, you say United Kingdom. Yeah, we just got back from the UK. Oh, UK makes sense. Yeah. But then England, England's so proper. They need to figure it out. They need to pick one and then tell us because I can't, I can't do, this is what I do every time I talk about England. I say, England, Britain, UK, like just pick one and we'll go with it. Right, but that's why we're the best. That's why we're number one. Yeah, because we just USA America forever, dude. America forever forever. Oh, wait, I got you a gift. Did you really? Yes. Give it to me. Okay. Is it expensive? If it's not, I'm going to be so disappointed. It's kind, in theory, it could be expensive. All right. Ready? What is it? It's a lime. Okay. I stole it from someone. This is really disappointing. No, no, no, I stole it from someone's yard. It's a fresh lime. Oh, thank you. That's a great gift. A fresh lime off of someone's random tree. Well, so here in Southern California, we get this is everywhere. This is in everybody's neighborhood. I know, but you were just excited because in the neighborhood you saw a lime tree. You're like, whoa. And I stole it. And I'm like, Santino would love that. They have a tracker inside of this. I'm sure they know exactly who jacked their lime. In mild neighborhood, we used to take the on. That is that kind of taste. It's, I'm not going to eat this. That's insane. What? Just knowing the earth that this came from. That's so good. Would you eat one of these? I have a lime tree on my property. Do you eat it? It's their so gross. They're so bad. They're full of bugs. Think about it. Yeah, you just brought a bug bomb into my studio. Think about the, think about the dirt that this grew in. The soil that this came from is disgusting. Oh, think about that. L.A. Pigs soil. We have pig soil up here. This is good. No, it's very nice. I really appreciate this. I'll cherish this. This will go right in the trash when you leave. I thought it was going to be a heartfelt. Didn't you kind of think it was going to be like maybe I was like, oh, she got something so heartfelt. It's from it's organic and it's disgusting like you. So it works out. See, that's, I knew it was a bit free. I thought she's going to, she's going to have some sort of tie in that it's gross or it's ugly. and that's, I knew that was gonna come up, you fat ass. - What, you just described you completely. - Ugly and gross and natural and but full of bugs. - Yeah, full of many bugs. Have you ever had a bug inside you like a tapeworm or something? - I almost one time had a tick in my hair. - Ew. - In my hair when I was a kid, my mom got it. - Stick. - So otherwise I would have gotten Lyme disease. - Ooh, my brother and sister both have Lyme's disease. - Do they really? - Yeah. - Does it do anything to you? - I got Lyme disease. - You have Lyme's disease? - When I was a kid. - I know the hospital, yeah. - Yeah, it stays with you for a life. I mean, we grew up next to a field. So I think that's where they got it. - In the field. - In the field, yeah. - Guys, please get out of the field. - Oh yeah, I was always in the field right in my four wheeler. - Did you have four wheelers a kid? - Yes. - I have four wheeler and then my grandpa, when we go to my grandpa's house, he had a lot of four wheelers. - See, that's the other part of the Chicago Northern suburbs is they had more land. You guys had land. - Well, also my grandfather, he lives in Southern Illinois. - So that's more country. - Down South by, what is it? Napioria, what's the other one down there? - Oh no, it's Waysouth. It's called West Frankfurt. - Oh, so it might as well be Tennessee. - It's right above Tennessee. - Yeah, might as well be Kansas. - Someone knows geography, a little fucking nerd. - I see. This is why I call you fat dude, which is your meme. I study maps. I like maps. - Oh yeah, okay, so you're autistic. - Maybe, name a place and I'll tell you where it is. On a map. - Okay, ooh, let me think of it. - I'm really good at this. - Tulusa. - Tulusa? - Did I just make that up? I might have just made that up. - I think you mean. - Okay. Oh, Rosemary Beach. - Rosemary Beach is in Florida. - Where? - Rosemary Beach is on the Gulf side of Florida. Not too far from Clearwater Tampa. - No way higher up. It's on the-- - Yeah, North of Tampa. - Yeah, on the Panhandle. - Yeah, it's North of Tampa. - Okay, well, I didn't know. Yeah, everything's North of Tampa. - By the way, guessed it, right? - All right. - Guess it, right, didn't I? And did I guess it right? - Well, that's kind of a weird quote. Ask me where anything is, I know where it is. That's kind of like, that's an easy. - No, that's not true. You don't know. Where's Billings? - Montana. - Okay, pretty good. - What part? - Up your ass. - Let's see. - In the middle, it's in the middle. - It is in the middle. - No, it's not at all. - It's to the east side. (laughing) - Man, I think I do hate you, you fat pig. - Oh, I hate you so much. - You had a coffee this morning in no breakfast? - No, I didn't have no coffee. I didn't know. I had no coffee. - You don't drink coffee? - Not if I can help it. - I have to have coffee every fucking day. Like a little, I have to, dude, I'm a little fat. - That sucks. - I have to have it. - Well, I like it in the morning. You know what it is? You want me to be real? - I want you to be real. - It helps me. - Lay your cards down. - It helps me move in the morning. (laughing) - Okay. - If I need to take a shit, I need to drink, I gotta get coffee in the morning. - All right. Well, I don't know. I only drink coffee because of society. - Told you you're supposed to? - Yeah. - I know. I think we all kind of do that. - And I put sugar in it. But I don't need coffee to wake up or anything. And then when I buy coffee, I sip it like, I take one sip and then I don't drink the rest of it. And then I keep it for days. - Well, you just keep the coffee, I think sip it a few more times in the fridge. - For like a week. - Pretty low maintenance. - Yeah. - You don't require anything in the morning. - No, not really. I mean, I do take Adderall, but I didn't take any todays. - Why not? - You're a fucked. - Why didn't you skip today? Why'd you skip today? - Uh, 'cause, you know, I forgot to take it, which is half the battle of, you know, I just like ADD sometimes, I forget. But also for like podcasts, I like to be myself. And I think sometimes Adderall just like focus me, it focuses me too much. And then I'm not-- - You think you're not you when you're on Adderall? - I am me, but I'm more focused me. And I think for a podcast, I like to let my brain go free solo. - Really? - Alex Honnold, right? - Yeah. - Alex Kapiton. - Yeah. - And I bink, bink, bink, bink, bink. It's actually probably more horrible for podcasts. - Oh, it's good. - Every time I think about that guy-- - Is he still alive? - Yeah, dude, he's killing it. He's fucking-- But every time I think about that guy, - He's killing everything but himself. - I know, he won't die. He can't die. - I hope not. - I think about the time in that documentary when that girl was like deeply in love with him. He falls in love in the middle of the documentary. - Oh yeah. - And he decides that scaling that mountain is so much more important than love. - Yeah. - Which is great, 'cause it's the opposite of like every movie you've ever seen, which is like, this is the most important thing. - For sure. - And then they realize love supersedes all. But he was like, now fuck that. I got a climb and she's like, but I don't want to be with you if you climb. He's like, later. - Later, man. - And she's stuck around. She's still stuck around. - Yeah, yeah. - But I think it's funny that he legitimately went against every theme that we're taught, which is like, love will prevail. It is the most important thing. - Well, that is not to be a broken record, but it is autism too. It's choosing rocks over love. (laughing) - He definitely chose rocks over love. - I would sit by the train tracks counting cars, playing with rocks, realizing rocks over love. What do you think, rocks over love? - Rocks over love every day. Rocks are forever. Love is fleeting. - I want that on a shirt. Rocks are forever. Love is fleeting. - Have you ever been to those rocks with the president? The president rocks. - Do you remember what they're called? - Yes. - What is it? - I'm just, do you remember? I'm quizzing you. - I've never been to Rushmore. I don't think I have any interest in seeing that. - Me neither. I would have a lot of interest in destroying it. - You want to break it down. You want to put up your own picture up there. - I could. - Who's on your Mount Rushmore of people? - Oh, okay, so I know for sure, Angelina Jolie, huge fan, lover to death, I know she would hate my ass, but I love-- - Why would she hate you? - She would hate me. - Because Angelina Jolie is this beautiful, very intelligent, earnest, she's so earnest, she probably doesn't like jokes too much. - You think fucking around and make her uncomfortable? - It's not uncomfortable, but I don't think, I think I would say something about something, and then she'd be like, that's kind of mean. - Because she's pretty progressive and-- - Not even progressive, but she's just earnest, she cares, she's a bleeding heart, she adopts from every country, like she loves every, you can't, you can't do it. - Is that really who she is or is that a great persona that they've painted for us? - I mean, I would love if she loved jokes, but I don't see it, but I'm obsessed with her, since I was a kid, I was like, I just-- - You love a Jolie head. - I love her so much. - All right, who's number two on the Rock Wall? On Mount Rock, Mount Rock. - I'm gonna have to say Brad Pitt, just kidding. I don't-- - So stupid. - So stupid. No, not Brad Pitt. I, ah, fuck. Adam Sandler. - Sando's up there, that's a good one. I like that. - Yeah. - He's the man. - Yeah. - So Angelina Jolie. Adam Sandler. - Sandler. Hillary Clinton. - What is she doing up there? - She's just kidding. Can you imagine-- - She knows all their secrets. - Can you imagine? - You have to put me up there. I know who's on the list. She knows who's on the list. - I would put Putin up there, just in case we get, you know, attacked. - It is smart. That is make keep your enemies closer. - Yeah. - Poon's up there. - All right, so it's Putin, Jolie, Sandler. - Yeah. - Is there how many-- - Four heads. - Four, okay, I would put a cat, for sure. I love cats. - All right, so now you're out. - What? - Yeah, that's four. - Oh, they just, just four? - Yeah, you can only put four people up on the Rock Wall. What kind of cat, you don't have a cat? - No, but I love cats. I think they're great, great things, you know? - You like cats over dogs, you're this kind of-- - No, I like dogs, but I just like a cat energy. We're like, they don't want you to rush to them. They come to you. It's not this whole, like, I'll die for you type of energy. - You're very much a cat. - Yeah. - You're like, you come to me. I don't, I don't need to impress you. - Yeah, and I'm skinny and-- (laughing) - For now, dude. - Yeah. - That's my point. I cannot wait till as your comedy career continues, the how fat you get. (laughing) I'm excited to say that. - Which PO presents the mother load. - Fattest. - Wait, I would actually love that 'cause then I could do, like, fat people jokes. That's the best part about being fat. You can joke about fat people. - And you can't joke about being skinny. It's not funny. - It's not funny at all. - Yeah, it's almost rude. - Wait, what's your rush more? - My Mount Rushmore, who's at the top? - Yeah, who's at the top. - Probably, I would say, I would probably say my Mount Rushmore of people of all time, cool people of all time. Paul Newman. - Oh, he's cool. Ooh, I want to change mine. - It's fucking stone. It's heavy, there he did it. - Okay, okay, fine. - Paul Newman, number one. Pretty good choice, right? One for one right now. - Yeah. - And then second would be Martin Luther King, not junior, his dad. - Oh. - Yeah. - Why? - Just to throw people off. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's Martin Luther King, you're like, it's Martin Luther King, doctor King, but not doctor King, junior. - The original one. - It's the first one, it's one of one. - It's the one that beat his kids. - Yeah, it's the other one. He did not have a dream. - Yeah. - He couldn't sleep. He was riddled with anxiety. And then number three would be AOC. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. - Is that her name, do I say her name right? - AOC, no I'm kidding, not AOC. I just wanted to put something in there and shake it up. What's the little girl, the little film? - Greta Thunberg. - Greta Thunberg, I'd put her up there. - The little villain. - Oh my God, she, that girl is crazy. - Why would you do this to the people of the- - Going to? - I would be arrested. - Taking a boat to Israel, my girl just chill. - Cut it out. - That's such a, you're on a press tour right now. And she, by the way, good press for her. She knows what she's doing. - I know. - If comics had half of the press cleverness that that girl has, we'd all be famous. - I think so too. - She's so good at being like, how can I piss people off and get attention? And then they arrest her. They always arrest her. - And they almost die. - Almost die. - That, I was really afraid. Like I was kind of getting upset. I'm like, she's gonna fucking die and I'm gonna be pissed. - Well, they put, what if she went to, what's it called, Easter Island? Is not the one where they killed the religious people? - Oh. - What's the one where they go? 'Cause these religious people would go, I thought it was called Easter Island. Am I tripping? - Oh, that's where the big heads are. - Oh, that's Easter Island. That's cool. - What's the one? - I thought it was about North Sentinel Island. - Sentinel Island? That's the one. - The untouched people. - And they killed, they killed the religious people that came, they speared them to death. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, when they came on the boat. - These people came like a religious group where we're gonna introduce them to Jesus Christ. To this land of very undeveloped, they don't want influence from the modern world, they're uncontacted. - Uncontacted and these people came. They were like, "We're gonna bring you, "but we'll tell you about Jesus." And they fucking murdered them on site. Isn't that awesome? They murdered them on site. They were like, "Fuck you." And speared them to death. I mean, didn't they capture them? - And they like spear drones or helicopters, they come too close. - Yeah, people have tried to sense stuff over there. - They'll immediately die because they're not, their disease will kill them with diseases. - Yeah, if we do get there, we will kill them because they're not used to our bacteria. - It's not good. - Oh, that's hilarious. We wanted to tell you about Lord and Caesar and Jesus Christ. - I mean, but no guns, dude, just old school. Killing you the old way, slow and, and-- - Oh, fuck. - Spear would be tough. Just right through your-- - Oh, fuck. - And you're like, Jesus, help me. - Yeah. - Help me. And then you have to dislodge a spear through your body. - Do you think you could live if you dislodge the spear? - You probably live longer if you keep it in there, they say. - Oh, yeah, that's right. - You don't want to take anything out. - At war, would you push it more through and then turn around and try to stab people with it? - Pretty, that's pretty cool. See, you are a wartime person. - You make a little kebab out of yourself. (laughing) - A kebab killing. - He's running around. - Spear sticking out. - Murder Sui kebab. Murder Sui kebab. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Delicious. - Yum, yum, yum, yum. - What's the worst way to die? - For you. - I think-- - If hell's gonna go, what's the worst way to go? - You know, I would say lit on fire. - You're fire is bad. Drowning for me. - Like that would be fun for you 'cause you're sane. You probably don't burn, 'cause of the ginger stuff. - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Fire was good for you 'cause you're a witch and they should have burnt you a years ago. (laughing) Drowning to me is the scariest thing in the world. - Really? - Water is so fucking gross to die in. - Really? - Yeah, because-- - You don't say. (laughing) - 'Cause wet, dead, wet dead is weird. - It's only being wet. - I don't wanna die wet. Like I've talked about this. I've said this before that I get a little bit of panic every time I check in to a hotel. Then I'm like, please don't die in the shower in the hotel. - Is this shower? - People slip and die all the time in showers and stuff. - Oh, yeah, grandpa's, you think you're a fucking grandpa? You don't trust yourself to just stand. - If I'm in a quick shower, I gotta run, I'm on the go and I slip with the pumping in my head and I die in a fucking holiday in. - That would be funny. - I do have said this before, this is very gross, but if I did die in a hotel, like it's gotta be a five star hotel. - Yeah, for sure. - I'll be so bummed if I die in a fucking three star hotel. - Disgusting. - When I'm on like a gig run and they're like, all we have in town is, you know, like an Express and I'm like, don't die. You're in here, man. - No, no, you wanna die with like luxury around you, yeah. - 'Cause you know they'll take better care of you when the paramedic show up. - Yeah, for sure. - They go to holiday and they like pull you out by your foot, drag you into the wild. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - The baby. - Yeah, she's good. I also don't wanna die. I told a joke about that years ago in Montreal that I don't wanna die naked. That's a huge fear of mine. - Yeah. - 'Cause you're so gross. - Why would you die naked just from the shower tub, shower tub, shower tub stuff? Is there any other reason you die naked? - Or if they have to cut your clothes off because you're, you know what I mean? Like if you're trapped in a car and it's like, just like you're. - I like to get it by a shark. - No, I'm saying if you flip a car and they kept to cut your clothes 'cause you're like entangled. - Oh shit. - They do this a lot. They'll have to cut your clothes off because you're. - You keep a sign on your like underwear at all times too. - Please don't cut my clothes off. Let me die with a little bit of dignity. - Please keep this on. - 'Cause I just don't wanna die like a naked woman, a naked woman, regardless of how you feel of your body. It's fine if you die naked. - No, I don't think so. - No, but listen, but a naked man because our little penis and our balls, and it's just, it's sad for them. - Funny. - They's, huh? - Funny. - That's why I mean, it's sad they see your little penis and your little balls in your dead and your dead and your little penis is out. - And it's like that. - Yeah, it's like falling over your nuts. (laughing) - It's wrapped over your sack, it's weird. - In here, we pour whiskey. - Hey, a lot of men in the United States experience ED, it's more common than you think, all right? And it's kind of a bummer. But the good news is, hymns makes it easy to get access to treatment so you can feel like yourself again without the stress or that uncomfortable awkwardness of explaining to your partner or someone what's going on 'cause it doesn't really matter. Big moments arise, make sure your guy rises to the occasion. 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Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality prescription requires a website for details, restrictions and important safety information. Ginger, I like ginger, so. There is a guy in Kentucky two years ago who died in a motel shower, 'cause the temperatures reached 150 degrees Fahrenheit. It burned him to death? What are you taking in such a hot shower? Well, dude, it's a long day. I mean, that hot of a shower just relax. Maybe he needed it. Nobody got up to 150 on accident. He probably-- Yeah. Was he ginger? It's implied. See? Because of the implication. That's insane. I mean, I don't know. I think, yeah, I think he would be the worst, 'cause then you're like, oh, oh, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Burning, slowly burning. And then burn victims. I'm like, oh, fuck, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't grow back. It does, they can skin graft now. Oh, yeah, they can skin graft, but it doesn't always look the same. It doesn't look the same, but I still think water death, dude. What about the people that get killed by chimps? They rip their face off. Like that woman's face got ripped off. I have a bit about this lady, but she is-- The chimp lady? Yeah, she's iconic. Chimp crazy, that one? That's not her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's not that one. No, the lady I'm talking about happened-- Well, she's in the chimp crazy documentary, but it happened like 20 years ago, or whatever, in Connecticut. They had a chimp named Travis. Oh, right, I remember this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he ripped-- It wasn't even her chimp. It was her friend's chimp. And then she was coming over to bring the chimp in Elmau, like little Elmau, and the chimp saw her, ran for ripped her face off. And I really-- Crazy, they rip our face. Why do they not rip our face off? And the fact that they can is insane. It's awesome. Like I've really researched like, what is this ripping? And they literally are just so strong, they take your skin and they rip it. It's fucking awesome. And it's insane that people go, I want that as a pet. I want that inside. Yeah, in my house. That's-- And I want to talk to it and play with it. Yeah, and that's an indoor pet. It's an indoor pet. These people that have, I say this a lot though, animals for me, unless they're super domesticated, right? Leave them all alone. Yeah. You want to hear a crazy stat that we learned yesterday? Yes. This is going to fuck you up. Because we were with a buddy who's from Washington, from Northern Washington. Till 2000-- I should have made you guess. He knows. Till 2004. Bestiality was legal in the state of Washington. Till 2004. And you know what the rule was? The animal has to be bigger than you. That's-- you would think it's the opposite of the rule. No. You-- animal has to be bigger than you for them to-- for them to justify having-- Oh, or else it's abuse. Yeah. That's crazy. Isn't that insane? What kind of animals were they having since? Well, this guy got killed by a horse. Oh, it's the horse. It's the 2006. 2006? Oh my god, it was even-- oh my god. He had sex with the horse. to kill him. And then finally the state of Washington was like, enough. That's enough. No more. You've lost your horse privilege. Your horse privileges are gone. Are gone. Are gone. Insane. I mean, it's massacistic to want a fucking horse penis inside of you. Inside your ass. I know. I know. You can't just hook up with a black guy. You need a horse. Like, you need a, you need a horse. Yeah. I mean, you know what? He probably got something from the horse that humans can't give him. Like, there was a level of conversation he was able to have the horse like a heavy buck. It's a big buck. Yeah. I don't, this, we were talking about this though, but I did say it's disgusting. It's illegal. We're probably going to have to blank part of that out for YouTube because we'll get flagged. But you got to flag the B word. The butt. You can't, no, you can't say but beastieality. There goes again. They'll flag the flag. It's pretty measty. Yeah. So the, so she meastyality was legal in Washington to the O6. But I will say the, I would imagine the in sell. I might do a public shooting mass shooting is probably the guy who wants to have sex with animals. And you're like, well, I'd rather that than kill a bunch of people. So that's the, let him do that if he's not going to kill a bunch of random people. Yeah. Let him choose. You want to have sex with a buffalo or kill a bunch of people like that? No, no, no, no. Give him the option to kill me. You know what I'm saying? They probably are like, I'm either going to, they're like, I'm either going to shoot up a mall or I'm going to have sex with animals. And you're like, please go to the animals. Yeah. Your only option is the animals. Yeah. That is. Yeah. Get him away from doing mass shootings. But, but they want to shoot something. How's having sex with something a substitute? It might calm them down. Yeah. I don't know, it might calm them down. Why don't you just give him a bunch of deer and be like, okay, open fire on the deer? Cause eventually he's going to want to have sex with something. That's true. It may be sex or maybe what we're saying is sex is the root cause of shootings. Kind of yeah. Or the lack thereof. The lack thereof. So you could have the best sex with that's why I'm saying the robot. The robots need to speed up. We need it. Japan needs to get these completely autonomous machine sex partners ready to go. I wonder how big like is a horse penis like this big? There you've never seen one and you never seen one on the internet. I guess you have. Oh my god. They're unbelievable. But like, I mean, yeah, it's like this. You've seen it in real. I've seen one in real life. But like in terms of like sizes is like this big like I guess it's unbelievable. How can that enter a human? You're oddly curious about it. I because it's that's huge. I can't believe people. Is it something you're interested in? No. No. What do you want to tell us something on the show? No. I mean, I haven't had sex with a horse. I've been seeing one. But we haven't had sex with one. Yeah. No. But we've gone a couple dates. Why are horses unnecessarily sexy? Just respectfully. All animals are unsafe. No animals are sexy. A horse. They have muscles. They're silky. Chill. Put some clothes on. It sounds like you want to talk to them about something. No. Sounds like something's been brewing. No. I'm just saying. Horses freak me out. I hate horses. I load. I load them. I don't hate them. But they don't. They don't connect with me. We don't connect with each other. They're beautifully like. No, no, no. I think they are pretty. But like, you know the people who are like, I am one with the horse. Yeah. They connect. I'm not a horse. Well, you can't even connect with people. Let alone horses. So this is a big struggle. You can't connect with any sort of live being. So I'm, yes, I'm very autistic. You're not. You're not. I'm not people. I don't know why. Do people think you're autistic? I have people have asked and I'm like, I'm not going to find out. No, I'm the only person on earth that doesn't want to know. No, don't go. I'm not. Yeah. I'm not. And I don't think I think why people think I'm autistic is because if I don't. Why people are why people? Why people? They said white people think I'm autistic. I think why people. Sorry. You're just white people are just always on your mind. Well, you're an auntie. God, dude. Stop telling my secrets. I'll show you. I thought he little he heard white people too. I thought you said what people think I'm autistic because black people like that white bitch is weird. No, black people love me. Black people love me. No, they don't. She like that. That weird girl is cool. Look at that little weird ass white bitch. No, I think I'm just very particular and I don't. If I see you, a lot of people get upset, I think, when I see them and I don't smile, but I'm like, if there's no reason for me to smile, if we're not friends and you're just like a person, why would I smile when I see you? You're not a smiley person. I smile when I see people I like. Right, but I don't think you don't come across as like, hey, what's up? You're not that kind of person. No, and people will get mad at me. They'll be like, what's wrong? I'm like, there's no reason for me to be smiling right now. The day is shit. The day. No, I have a good. I'm very optimistic. I love. I'm very. You can't even say the word. You don't believe in it. I am optimistic. I'm a positive person. I like people. I just like the people that I like and nobody else. Do you really feel that way? Because I don't think I'm optimistic. I don't think I'm pessimistic. I think I'm a realist. I do think I just kind of see things for what they are. I do. And I believe in like hope and. But you have hope and magic and ghosts. You do you believe in all this? Yes. You believe. Yes, but of course. You have a high level of hope. Yeah, I think so. Is your initial reaction that things are going to work out for the better? Yeah, for sure. You truly believe that. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. And like everything, even when bad things happen, it's good because it means there's something better coming. Do you really believe this or is it? Of course. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think bad things happen. Good things are coming. I think sometimes bad things just happen at random and they're just bad. Yeah, but the earth, there is balance. There's good and evil. But if you're only experiencing negative, then how does the other side? When is the other side? Then boy is something big. Something good. So big is coming away. Do you know what I mean? You go with all the starving people all over the world. Some big is coming. It's not a package of food, but it is coming. It's going to be huge. I know you're dying. I slowed death now, but it's going to be huge. Do you believe in the afterlife? Because I could see you haunting people. For sure. I don't believe there's nothing. I'm not like an atheist by any means. I believe in like God universe something. I mean, I think it is science, you know, matter doesn't disappear. You can't destroy it. So go and we are all made up of matters. So if we can't be destroyed, where it goes somewhere, but I don't know where it goes. Where would you like it to go? Up your gaze. I fucking knew it was coming. I was like, I was never going to answer this honestly. As I said it, I was like, she's going to say something. Yeah. Where do you think it goes? And your mom's mouth? Where do you think energy goes? Where do you want it to go then? Where would you prefer it to go? I don't know. Just somewhere like your energy. When you die, hopefully soon when you go, where does your energy go? Into the ether. So into nothingness? No, not not per se. I mean, I don't really know. I mean, maybe there is some sort of like weird energetic heaven, but maybe, you know, reincarnation is real. Maybe come back. So my mom believes in this like big, my mom, my whole life is believing And my mom is not someone who's like, "Woo-woo." She's not a woo-woo or a whimsy person. She's not really. She's kind of straight. I mean, she's a dumb kind, but like, she's not. (laughing) Oh, oh, oh, oh! Talk bad about my mom. Did you get lime-bul-dung on my show? She. Give me back my fucking lime now. Right, right. Um. My mom never believed in woo-woo stuff, but then she has said to me very clearly, she's like, "I definitely believe that we come back as other things." And then we just don't remember it. Well, you can't remember it's not you anymore. But I think there are signs. Oh, you do. I mean, this is something. I had an old coworker. I had an old coworker say this to me, and I thought it was really creepy, but it has. What was the job, first of all? I was a web developer. I had no business being a web developer. Well, like, running, like, programming? Yeah. Okay, so now I just need the context. Oh, so, what did this creepy person say? So, I don't. She said, "One day, I wore a turtle neck, and I never wore a turtle neck, 'cause they make me feel claustrophobic." Yeah. And I could never wear chokers or anything around my neck, 'cause it makes me feel like I'm gonna die. And then my coworker was like, "Oh, you should wear more turtle neck, because you look good in them." And I told him, "I can't, 'cause claustrophobic, I feel like I'm gonna die." And she said, "Oh, that's because in a past life, you got your head chopped off." Okay, this is not real. Are you were hung or something? And I'm like, "Oh, my God, is it?" Because other girls, like, they can wear chokers all day every day. I can't even wear a necklace that's way too close around my neck. It makes you feel uncomfortable. It just makes me feel like, yeah, like claustrophobic is the word. I can't breathe. I mean, I did probably get your head cut off at some point. I could see you being a woman in the past that mouthed off too much and so they chopped her head off. He-he-he. Yeah. What were you in a past life? This one square is stupid. Off with her head. Yeah. What was I in a past life? A beaver. Dude. What? If you want to start, let's do it. You want to be mean to me? Let's do it today. I can do it. No, no, no, no. We can do it. Nice. No, no, no. I probably- I'm sorry. You know what I was? I was probably- Sometimes I get- I was something that was- Maybe that's the water made cold and wet. Like something that lived low in the ocean. That's why you don't want to die in the water. Yeah. I have a intense fear of one of those flat fish that only have a face on one side. No, the one that can burrow into the sand and just look like it's the sand. Yeah, that's what I think I was before. I could see that. That would be hiding in plain sight. Yeah, yeah. Hiding in plain sight. That would be a natural transition to ginger. Yeah, because now you can't not see me. Exactly. Right. My curse for forgetting so much. I love gingers. My first boyfriend was a ginger. You say that. You don't have to say that just to be nice because you may have been comment about it. I'm not. My only serious. Your first boyfriend was a ginger? My only serious relationship in my life for five years, flaming ginger. How old were you? This is when you were a kid. Your first love? When I was a teenager? When I was six. No, when I was, I think we started dating when I was 21. And he was same age. Year older. We actually met in high school, but we didn't start dating until I was in college. Where'd you go to school? Libertyville. Elville. I don't know what that is. It's a suburb in Chicago. You dumb idiot. Yeah, but they have a school there. I don't know. They have a school there. Libertyville University. Oh, no, no. High school. I was talking about high school. I met when you go to college. Oh, Indiana. Oh, Indiana. Indiana. I don't listen when you talk. I'm sorry. You don't. She doesn't. Indiana University. When I first-- When I first-- When I first-- When I first-- When I first-- What? You were. See. What's the road you were in? I was only because all these bitches told me I was too weird to be in one. And so I rushed because I was like, fuck you guys. And I-- It was so easy to get in a sorority. I'm going to guess which one you were. Okay. As if you know. Guess. Delta cap. What? No. Or Delta gamma. None of this makes sense. Alpha-fe. Alpha-free? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what they used to say. Alpha-free? Yeah. The biggest sluts on campus, that is. Holy trolley. Jesus Christ. Come on in. Everyone else is already here. Jesus Christ said, I run through that town. But. He burned through Indiana. I burned through that city. God damn. But it was fun. I mean, holy shit. No. What is it called? Bloomington. It's Bloomington, right? Yeah. Bloomington. I mean, Indiana was the first-- Like, I was never really attracted to any of the guys in high school. And I was just like-- No, no. They weren't attracted to you. Well, you okay. Here comes El. Run. Run. Run. Where are you guys going? Literally. Literally. Literally, with braces. Very nice going. She's dripping food again. It was falling out of your foot. Oh. So high school was a no-go. And then college, you were like, I'm going to be different. I'm going to date boys. College, I started to get hot. And then, oh my god, there were just the hottest guys. And then, oh my god, there were just the hottest guys in college. And I was like, Jesus Christ, you guys. So you liked the sorority lifestyle? Yeah, because you know what? When I was younger, I saw American Pie, that movie. It's a good movie. It's a great movie. And it showed me what I wanted in life, which was to have a fucking crazy college experience. You did. Yeah, I wanted a mud wrestle. I wanted fucking get drunk. I wanted a party. I wanted to do all that bullshit. And I did it all. And it was so fun. And you regret none of it. I regret none of it. I mean, was it a huge waste of time? Yeah. 100%. 100%. But I did, you know, I made friends that I'm friends with today. Still like four girls. Like, those are my best friends. And I've-- They were in the sorority. Yeah. Tori is one. Kelly. Kelly is my best friend from home. And Sarah. Not Sarah. Kelly. You know when we begin. Aaron? No. Molly. No. But me and Kelly were friends from home, but we became friends on 9/11. Yeah. It wasn't such a bad-- Big day for you guys. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't bad for everyone. You guys are each like the towers. So what? Your tower one. She's tower two. Exactly. How did you become friends on 9/11? Uh, because we were in second grade at the time. And her-- Second grade? I forgot how much. Oh, fucking. You're so old, dude. Second fucking grade. I'm just a little girl. Well, you were fucking what during 9/11? I was two. Two years old? Jesus Christ. Uh, yeah. Her dad was doing-- High school during 9/11, Billy. High school, Billy. High-- Billy. High school, Billy. High school, Billy Madison. Oh, yeah. It was in high school. Yeah. It was in 9/11. That's insane. You were in second fucking grade. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. Her dad was-- Like he's a landscaper, and he was doing our yarn. Our yard. And then-- He was like, somebody's going to have to clean up all that mess. Yes. And, um, and everyone thought Chicago was going to be next, so then he asked my mom if she could pick her, uh, like his kid up, and then we became friends. Do you know how funny this is that we did think this way? I don't know why. My mom, because when we left the city, we went to-- we moved to the suburbs, but my mom still kept her job in the city. She never quit her job in the city, because she kind of still liked going back down, which always made me think we should have never moved from the city, because I think she really did miss it. But she kept her job and she would go downtown every day. And when that happened, I remember Panic and calling my mom's office thinking, "What if they hit Chicago?" But that's so self-fulfilling bullshit. It's such a Chicago style. They were never going to go to Chicago. What do you mean they had the fucking John Hancock building? Chicago. Like I love Chicago, but Chicago thinks they're like-- We're following ourselves. They would love to be a part of 911. You think those J-Govs are going to fucking take us? Yeah. They're terrorists. You think you're going to fucking come in my fucking city, dude? No fucking way, dude. Yeah. Take that stuff to the south side. Take that shit to Beverly Valley. You ain't going to come up here and hit our fucking buildings. Dude, I heard they're going to-- That is so many conversations in Chicago. I heard they were going to go after the Sears Tower. They weren't. That's what I heard. You know they were going to bomb Navy Pier. That was number three on their list. Chicago would make up that we were going to be necked. Yeah. They were going to do the bean. If those fucking terrorists do it, if they fucked up soldier field, can you imagine what we would have done? I had it marched over there myself. I don't give a fuck about them. Yeah, Chicago did think it was necked. I called my mom, panicking. Like sad. I was like, are you going to come home or are you coming? She was like, yeah, we're all going to go for the day. And I thought, what if they do? Of course they were. Why would they ever hit-- what would they have hit in Chicago? It's literally in the middle of nowhere. Like, bumble fuck. But they could have hit the-- You know what? They could have hit the mercantile exchange. That would have been big. The work? The work. Mercantile exchange. Okay. Big trading floor. You didn't grow up with any people whose parents were traders? No. Wow. I feel like that's definitely Northern suburbs. That's where all the money is. No. You're north of the Northern suburbs, though. You're not even north of the wall. Well, because the good Jewish rich suburbs that are up there, you guys are-- Well, you're above them. Right? Yeah, above. Everyone's family was like pharmaceuticals. Big pharma. Right, big pharma-- oh, a big pharma kid. Yeah. Yeah, because what is it? Kennaworth, Evanston, those are like nice rich-- Where are the home alone houses? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. That's all the nice rich suburbs. Those people were all like day traders. I mean, Libertyville's like middle class. And then there was like like forests and stuff like that. But my friend's dad was like the CEO of Abbott. The fucking testing company. Abbott Labs? Abbott Labs is your friend's father was the CEO of that? The CEO. The CEO. Dude, that's so funny. The only person I knew that had like-- their dad was like a company, like a thing in a company, was my friend Tommy, his dad, or his grandfather started La Preferita. Do you remember La Preferita? I don't know. Bring this up. It was like salsa and Mexican food-- Salsa. Can't Mexican food. Refried beans. Refried beans. La Preferita. You'll remember this truck, because you've seen this going around-- OK. --the Chicago land. But you'll recognize this immediately. Remember La Preferita? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the most rich-- not even rich. Just that was the most like Tommy's dad owns La Preferita. Yeah, whoa, whoa, big. So fucking billionaires. Might as well be a billionaire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. La Preferita was a big deal. But you remember seeing those trucks as a kid? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, big deal. Tommy, big deal. Shout out Tommy. I don't know where he is right now. It was always nice to have rich friends. You know what's funny is they weren't like-- they didn't live like I thought you would have lived if you owned a company. Yeah, that's true. Like I had a couple of kids who-- I don't know what their parents did, but they had a lot of money and they had a lot of freedom. Yeah. Like their parents didn't care about what they did. But I don't think their parents were important. They just had money from something. So the neighborhood next to my neighborhood, it's called Nichols and Dimes. But it's like-- It should be called millions and billions. It's like the-- Nichols and Dimes. Nichols and Dimes. No, that's the neighborhood name. And it's so rich. And everyone there has a basketball court in their basement. You're telling me that-- It's insane. There's a neighborhood in Illinois called Nichols and Dimes. Yeah, it's right. Next to-- I'm looking this up to call you out on your fucking bullshit. I'm trying not to talk to myself. Well done. I guess I don't live there anymore. Nichols and Dimes. Subdivision and Libertyville. Yeah. Oh my god. And my friend used to live there. He had the like rich kid house and-- That is crazy. I've never heard of this in my entire-- Oh my god. But it's like-- Yeah, right. Basketball courts in the basement. In the basement of their home? Yes. Huge. Pure chaos. It's insane. Well, that's big for like-- For where, like, this area was-- And even next to Libertyville, like the high school, those homes, basketball courts in the basement. That was the tell if you were rich. If you had basketball in the basement, I guess. Yeah. Huge court, too. Not just like a little-- I knew one guy with a basketball court in his basement. his basement, he was my dad knew him, he was um. He was like the vice president at Spalding. He played in my dad's church basketball league. And one time my dad was like, this guy's a basketball court in his basement. I was like, no way, he's like, he's a president at Spalding, of course he does. (laughing) And I remember going over there as a kid and being like, whoa, this is fun. But of course, the basketball, of course, I think they had probably required. They were like, we build your house, you gotta have a basketball court. - You gotta have, it's huge. It's just the space of it all. - It's very funny to see. - It's very interesting. - Were you a bad kid in high school? - I was just a shitty student. - Oh, okay. - I did drugs and I was bad in school. But that's not a bad kid. - Yeah. - I just hated school. - I hated school. I was so bad. - School, no, you weren't bad. You just probably just didn't like school. - I didn't like school and I was really, like in terms of how you learn in the classrooms and everything, I'd really bad at it. Testing really bad. - Yeah, well, but also your dumb. That is a piece of it too. - Huge dumb. I have no brains. I have a peanut for a brain. - You have a little tiny peanut brain. - Yes. - But it's okay. You want to eye you? - All women do. - Or you eye. Where is it? - I you. Yeah. - Yeah, I you. - Because they like that. - So all women, you think all women are stupid? That's what Elle says. - I'm kidding. I'm kidding. - Sure, who doesn't sound like it? Clip it, clip it, clip it. - No, no, no. All women are super smart, especially me. - See, that sounds even more. - Fuck you. - Don't start on me today, dude. 'Cause you'll get it, you fat fucker. I like the red socks, those are cool. - Oh, thank you. - That's very cool. Did you not have other socks? Was that all you brought? Was red socks for this L.A. trip? - Why, what do you mean? I'm just wearing them today. They're new. - I've only seen you in red socks. - Really? - Yeah. - Huh. - Let's get you some new socks. - Okay. These are not my, I've been wearing black socks. I thought I was wearing, you noticed my socks? Jesus Christ. - Yeah, red socks. - I'm making this up as I go. But I'm a little autistic. I do notice things a lot. I do have a keen sense of like I see a lot of things around me that other, I'll go, "Did you see that?" And I'll go, "No." And then I think, "Why do I see that stuff?" And no one sees that stuff. - Like ghosts? - Yeah, like people from my past who are dead. - Yeah. - Popping up on my knee, just haunting me. - Yeah. - Over and over. - I mean, I don't know. Maybe you're just aware of your surroundings. Self-aware. Would you call yourself self-aware? - Self-hating. - Self-hating. What do you hate about yourself the most? Let's do this. This is fun. - What do I hate about myself the most? A lot of times maybe I feel like I don't need to be as people pleasing. Why do I have to make sure that everybody is okay? - That's it. - I hate that it's not a reverse engineered. I mean, sometimes I care too much to make sure that other people are happy. And I'm not making myself as happy. - Okay. - Where it's like, but it's like an addiction. Where I'm like, I have to make sure that I text them back or they'll be upset at me. Or I have to make sure that I make sure I, or if plans change, and I feel genuinely guilty. I'm like, "Hey, sorry, it's not gonna work out." And then they're like, that panic pushed me into feeling really bad about it. - Okay, so the thing you hate about yourself the most is that you're a pussy? (laughing) - What do you hate about yourself other than the way you look? - What do you hate about yourself other than your lack of telling everybody? - I hate that I'm afraid to be myself immediately. I think it's the most frustrating thing. Like, I love who I am, but it takes a lot for me to be myself with strangers. And you know those people that-- - You're guarded. - And yeah, there's like a wall that I can't get passed that I try to get passed. And when I try, it feels like I'm acting how I think I would act. - Yeah, we all do that. - Yeah. - Actually being myself. But you know, you meet people who are like, you meet them and you know this is 100% themselves, and they don't really care. - Yeah. - Like, that's what I-- - Bobby has that, Bobby is him all the time. - I'm so jealous of that. - Yeah, but I guess it's kind of the same, I'm not kidding, it's kind of the same thing where like, I feel like I want to make sure that everything is all good. So I'm overthinking a lot of the time of like, if I do meet someone for the first time, it is a first impression, or I'm like, Bobby made fun of me 'cause I met somebody that he was hanging out with, and he's like, well, he's so fucking inquisitive. And I was like, because I didn't, I wanted her to think that I'm being welcoming, but then he made me feel bad about it. - But did you like that person? - I didn't know, I was just trying to just-- - You were just trying to be polite. Yeah, that's not bad. - Now, but it's fake Midwest shit. It is true, we should be more like honest. I don't fucking, why do I care so much if she likes the situation? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - With the full gifts, that's the people pleasing thing that I don't like. And I'll break myself up and get upset and mad about it if I'm not, if people in my world, I feel like I've let them, or they're not satisfied. Then I get angry. Then I'm like, well, sorry we didn't fucking have it. - Yeah, sorry. - Sorry we didn't have fucking the exact thing that you wanted. - You know what? I watched Curb for the first time in my life recently, and it-- - You never saw Curb before? - Never saw Curb, 'cause everyone, listen, I can't watch something of everyone's of my ass about it. I heard everyone my whole life. He's like, you gotta watch Curb. You gotta watch Curb now. - You do, it's one of the best shows ever. - I know, I know that. - I know you learned. But even, I think I watched it in the perfect time of my life because it gave me so much confidence to just be an asshole and like, it'd be myself. - You aren't asshole. - Which is an asshole. - Yeah. - And be okay with that. And it's like, it's okay if people read you wrong or if they take something the wrong way. That's okay, 'cause you have good intentions. You know, I'm not trying to be an asshole, but sometimes that's just what it is. - Yeah, but this, and I'm gonna make a point 'cause we talked about this literally before the show. This is dependent upon your physicality. - What do you mean? - You're a tiny little person. - Hey. - You are. - No, but-- - Clip it. - No, don't, don't, she's a fat, fat fuck. - Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Fat, gross, fuck, loser. (laughing) But you're a tiny person, right? You're like a little blonde girl. That's not threatening. So we talked about this. So if I say something, I'm like a big red person. - Fat. - I'm a big red person. So when I say something, if it comes mean, it comes with this energy in this body. So then people are like, what's this fucking problem? Shut up, you dumb bitch. - What's this, I know. - What's this fat fuck? No, but am I wrong on this? We talked about this. Like the reason that Bobby says wild shit, he gets where? That he's a little fat, short, sweet boy. Make more noise. - God damn it. - You're fired. No, but Bobby's a little fat, sweet, not fat anymore. Now he's in great shape. - I would say Bobby, I've never met him except right before this podcast, where he opened the door for me and we didn't meet, but I had to pee so bad so I couldn't say hi. But I feel like I would be more afraid of Bobby than you. - That's not true. - It is true. - If I said something, if he says something mean to somebody, he gets away with it. If I say something mean, immediately people go, he means it. Bobby would could literally look at you and be like, you never met him. - Yeah, never met him beside me. - And he would be like, ugh, your hair is fucking gross. You would laugh at that. But if I said that to you and we had never met before, you'd be like, what's his fucking problem? It's true. It comes with the physical territory. That guy, he says, wild shit to people all the time and they go, dude, Bobby was so funny, he was like so mean to me. But if I do that, even a little bit to someone in public, if I'm like, what's up with that? They're like, oh, he was kind of a dick. It's the physical, it's the same thing with comedy. - But allow yourself to be a dick. - It depends on how it sounds coming out of your face. - I will agree, but also it's just a great, 'cause there's a lot of people who think I'm a bitch. - You are a fucking bitch. - I know, but with my cuteness and how small and tiny and adorable I am and all, they're like, what the fuck is up with that girl? And I'm like, I'm sorry, I didn't say hi to you with enough enthusiasm, but I don't do shit. - I think people just think you're cold maybe. - 100%. But I'm actually a golden retriever level of war. - Right, you're a fucking idiot. - And it's like. - Well, like, balls in their mouth. You're a dumb idiot who sheds. - Who told you that? - Who told you that? - Everybody in Indiana University. the whole campus. Oh, oh, you know what dumb dog you can pump over at a healthy. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. But what was I saying? I forgot. I don't know. But it depends on your stature. The way people perceive you also has a lot to do with the way you look and the way you carry yourself. Yeah. Yes. You're not threatening. I want to be threatening. But you're not, dude. You're a tiny. Well, that's what you think. Yeah, you're not a tough people. You pretend to be tough. You said tough. You say tough shit to me and I'm always like, yeah, right, dude. Get the fuck out. I am tough. Whoa. See, even the way she says that. I am tough. I'm the biggest boy at school. I am. Well, my friend, my friend's stuff was saying that the biggest, you know, secret of you, of me, is that I'm actually very lovable and very kind and just a gooey gooey gum jaw. You are a kind person. But, but I put on a me in front. It's guarded because of all the trauma you experience when you were a kid. No, maybe, maybe. No, I don't, I think I think I just, no, I just don't want to be fucked with. Like, it's so easy, especially in comedy for people to fuck with you. I don't want to be fucked with, especially. And on top of that, it's like, you know, comedy is all guys. You look at a guy too long. You say hi to a guy. They're like, oh, she wants to fuck me. Yeah, you, you, and I'm handsy. I like to talk with my hands. You touch a guy. He's like, oh, she wants to fuck me. And so I'm just trying to keep it professional. So you're saying part of the guard is to get people to be like, this, I'm not. This is professional. Stay away. I'm not who you think I am. I'm not. Oh, my God. I can't even tell you how many times I've complimented men. Like, like, oh, that was funny. And a guy literally followed me home. What - A comic? - A comic? - Yes, I won't say his name. - No, you don't have to. - No, but he falls-- - But we wanna know. - No, he falls me home and he been boozled his way into-- - Followed you home is disgusting and so fucking creepy. - Well, it falls me home and he's like, "Oh, where'd you go?" And I'm like, "Oh, back to my neighborhood." And he's like, "Oh, I'm going to a party near there." Let me-- - Ah, this was a right, yeah. - Yeah, let me share a new bird. - Can I come inside and use the bathroom? - Yeah, exactly. - Yeah, right, yeah. - And then what do you talk to this person still? - No, no, I don't know. - But they're around? - They're around. - They're around. - I know exactly who it is. - You do you? - Yeah, I literally know exactly who it is. - Yeah, how? - I know it too. - Chris Rock. - It's Chris Rock. - Yeah, I'm thinking about it. - It's Kevin Hart. It's Kevin Hart, you sneaky. - Yeah, let me fight you back home and make you move it. (laughing) - We love you, Kevin, who definitely isn't watching the show and we know you followed El Home, Kevin. Just say it. - Just say it, come out with it. - No, I know, you put up a little bit of a guard to ensure that people don't take you the wrong way. - Yeah, I don't want to make signals. - Sure. - Let's just send out straight signals. - Which is ironic because you're gay. - 'Cause I'm gay, right. - Right. - Do you think, okay, on his question, do you think, like if you didn't know anything about me? - Lesbian. - Really, without a doubt, you're not kidding. - Before I met you, I really, that's what I said. I asked our mutual friend, John, I said, she's gay, right? - Are you serious? - Oh yeah. - Really? - I'm a big old gay. - Fuck, no, you're doing a bit. - I don't know. - You're doing a bit. - We'll find out. - I'm actually curious. 'Cause I-- - No, I didn't think you were gay. - I am who I am, but I don't want people. Not that I-- - Do you think you give gay? - I think I've confused a couple lesbians in my past by a couple, I mean a lot. - You've had a girl come up to you and be like, come on. And you're like, no, no, I'm not, no, come on. - Yeah, women approach me. And at first I was confused 'cause I didn't think they were hitting on me, 'cause this is, they'll say like, oh, I like your style. And I'm like, oh, thanks. And they're like, we should hang out. I'm like, oh yeah, let's go hang out. - So you've been, you've been-- - But I didn't know they were hitting on me. I thought they just wanted to be my friend. - Like you went ahead, did you go to hang out and then they tried to hook up and you're like, whoa, no, I'm not, we're friends. - We never ended up hanging out, but we were texting. And then when we were texting, they were like, oh, like you're sexy. And I'm like, you too, girl. And then I show my friend, I was like, it's just, we, I don't really call my friend sexy. So maybe she was just more girly than me. And I asked my friend and I told her the whole situation. She was like, yeah, she's hitting on you. And then, and she also invited me to like a cabin to go up state with her. - Do it. - No, I can't. - What's going on up there? Maybe have fun. - I mean, I've been out with girls in high school as fun, for fun. - Girl friends are strangers. - My friends, who are girls? - That are gay or just for just to test the water? - And I even test water, just like you're drunk. I mean, this one girl in high school, like she just, she loved making out with me. And at one point, I was like, listen, we gotta just chill. - She's like, what if we do it naked this time? (laughing) - I was like, how, this is fun. I will make out with anyone. I had a stint for a while, where I was really into making out with gay guys. I love making out with gay guys. - Wait, why, just, but how does that even happen? - Out of the gay bar, are you mean? - Just a California, it'll happen to you. - Yeah, you live here long enough, it is gonna happen. - I went to Coachella and I made out with my gay friend for, it's just fun, 'cause they don't wanna have sex with you, so it's so like, there's no pressure. It's just like, and gay guys are great kissers. - Well, yeah, 'cause they care. - They care, and they care about, well, they care about sex, and they care about all that stuff. - But what's happening, so after you kiss that then what, you just, you make out with these gay guys, and then you keep on dancing, you're like, yeah, let's make out of it. - Yeah, foster the people. - Yeah. - And then you don't have to, and then you can leave and come back, you don't have this guy's like, where are you going? And like, well, I thought we were gonna do something. - We're gonna hook up? - Yeah, we're gonna, no, it's like, and then when I tried to bring that back to New York and make out with gay guys in New York, and they're like, no, I'm gay, it's kinda, it gives. - So New York Gays are stuck up is what you're saying, we have better gays out here. - You have way better gays, more free gays. - More fun gays. - There's more fun gays. The gays in New York, they, I think it's a status thing, they're like, we don't want people knowing that have made out. I don't think they want the gay community knowing that they've made out with a girl. - California, better gays. - The California better gays. - California, the best gays. - Hell yeah. - New York, stuck up gays. - Stuck up, bitch. Yeah, just like, whatever, make out with me. I'm basically a guy. - That's your pitch. - You got with me, dude, kind of, kind of a dude. - One time a guy said, no, I'm like, why not? And he's like, I'm gay. I don't think you're a track, I'm like, you can do it. And he's like, no. I love broke back mountain. - I like you bullying gay guys into making out with you. It was so funny to me. - I know. - Have you talked about it on stage? - No. - You should, 'cause that's so funny. Just the idea is very funny to be like, I bullied gay guys to hook up. - I was like, come on, I did feel bad for it, 'cause I was kinda, I was like, just fucking do it. Don't be gay, you know? - Gay, dude, kiss me, fag, what are you doing, dude? Prove to me that you're gay. Make out with me right now and say yuck afterwards. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, prove yourself. - A gay bully, you're a gay bully. - I'm a gay bully. - Whatever. - Where am I on this spectrum? I'm so, I'm so straight, I love gay guys. - Hmm, do you think you're that straight? - I am that straight. Like when two gay men are making out, hot. - You love that. - That's hot, I stop. So I could take a picture of my mind. - 'Cause you love two men, you love men so much, you think, I don't even care if they're gay. - I'm telling you, broke back mountain, there needs to be a sequel. - They're campy. - Why? - Well, one of them's dad. (laughs) - Yeah, but there can be like another round of two cowboys that go up to the mountain. - Okay, who would be your two in the new two? Who's the new two, Brooke? Who's broke back two? Who is it? - Okay. Jacob Allordy and has to be someone hot. - Ooh, maybe Tom Hardy. - Jacob Allordy, Tom Hardy. I actually could see that. But you know who, well, Shalame's the new hot guy. - No, we can't do, we can't. - You're done with Shalame? - No, we can't do The Lesbian. I'm sorry, he's The Lesbian. - You think Timothy Shalame's The Lesbian? - He is The Lesbian. He's built like The Lesbian. Looks like The Lesbian. - And this is coming from you. - Listen, if he was in this room right now, I'd say yes, but he's not, I guess he's just not my type. And that's okay, he's not ugly. I don't wanna shame anybody, but he's beautiful. He's a beautiful boy. He would be do great during the Greek times. - Oh, they would have loved him. They would have a bathhouse with Shalame. - He also already was in a game movie. - What was the game movie he was in? - The one with Army Hammer in him. - Oh, that was a hot movie. - What is that? - Call me by your name. - I know, I don't think I ever saw that. - Did I ever see that? I don't know. - Army Hammer. - I don't remember it though. Call me by my name. - Him I like 2018, I think. Now, the last game movie I saw was Moonlight. That was a long time ago. - Also 2018. - Was it Samey Air, Samey Air? - Maybe. - Maybe Call me by your name. That's why we all got COVID. (laughing) That was the Chinese cursing us. We're putting out back-to-back Banger game movies. They're like no more game movies. That's it. COVID. - That's so bad. - Everybody gets COVID. - Okay, Moonlight was actually 2017. - It was. - 'Cause that was the same year as La La Land. - Another game movie? - Yeah. - Yeah, for sure. - It was a pattern. All these game movies sweeping. And then finally Hollywood was like no more game shit. Only superheroes, which are gay, but we're quiet about it. - But in a different way. - Different way, gay. I think we should only make, you know what movies I think everything should, movies should stop except for Minions movies. - Oh my god, they're so good. Back-to-back-to-back. - So there hasn't been a miss of all the minion franchise. There hasn't been a miss. - Also Kung Fu Panda. Kung Fu Panda can come and go for me a little bit. - Say what? - Well, my best friend is Korean. It's a little sensitive with us. - Oh, shut up. - No, it is. He's very, he's very, he doesn't like it. - He's against it. - Against it. - Well, they never hired him to do a voice. So it's an Asian movie. He's not in it. He fucking hates it. - Okay. - Which makes sense. - Yeah, it makes sense. But it is a hilarious movie. And a great friend. - Well, why wouldn't they put him in it? - I don't know. Well, they chose Jack Black, which is. - A great choice. - A great choice. - They've been in something in it. - I know, he could have been like a duck or something. - What? - Is that a Chinese joke thing? - No. - He's hanging in a window. - They're all Chinese animals. - They're not all Chinese animals. - There's a lion? - That's not Chinese. - How's that Chinese? - Oh, it's our not a lion, a tiger. Tigers are Asian. - They can be, they're all over. - Yeah, but they're a nation for us. - They are absolutely a nation. Yeah, you're right. - There's a panda. What, Panda? - Well, Panda's a, it's in the title. Yeah, so that's in there. - Okay. - And then there's, there's a duck. - Ducks are international. - It would not this duck. If you-- - This is a Chinese duck. - This is a Chinese duck. And then, and then what are the other animals? Oh, there's-- - The duck should hang out. - The lion, I think Angelina Jolie's in this one too. She's like a panda. - You're a crush. I think the ducks, the duck should hang out with a bowl of fried rice. What, what are you gonna say? - I was gonna say, there's the monkey, a viper, a mantis. These are all international animals. Monkey, no, no, monkeys are everywhere. - Mantis. - A crane. - A praying mantis. - Yeah. - Those are all over the place. We have them here. - It was in Mulan too. - And he wasn't in Mulan either. We also don't support that film. - Oh. - But how old was he when Mulan came out? Mulan came out like-- - Bobby's 54 years old. - Okay. - He was plenty old enough to know. be in fucking Mulan. Okay. Okay. Okay. I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm fighting for my best friend. Okay. Yeah. Good for you. You're a good friend. Good irony. Yeah. I'm a bad friend. Bad friend. Bad friend. Good friend. Bad friend. Good friend. El Santino. I fuck you. I hate you. Thank you for the line. Thank you. I hope you almost no success in the comedy world. I appreciate that. I hope you fail out very soon. You're very funny. Whoa. You're very funny. You know, I love it. I had to take it back. You're very funny. You know, I love you very much. You want to plug any dates. You got any dates coming up or just go to your website. Go to your dumb fucking stupid website. Go to my website. Ooh, but but I will be in Nashville and Chicago and January and those are where you plan in Chicago. Zany's downtown. Old town. Old town. Oh, that's the best. That's great. Yeah. That's great. That'll be fun. That'll be Zany's and then four shows. Four shows downtown in Zany's January. Chicago fans. Please go see her. She's one of us. She'll be giving. She'll be giving out L's beef at in between shows and then wear a Nashville ad Zany's as well, which I fucking love. That's one of my favorite clubs in the world. Shout out to Zany's Nashville. Go to lorlando.com. No, it's punch up live slash. Oh, right. You sold it to them. Right. Yeah. Everybody does this now. Punch up live.com slash L Orlando. But we can put the link in the description down below. So go see her live a funny human being. And I thank you for coming on the show. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera, you say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready. I can't say it. So yeah. Faggot. In here. We pull. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Oh, that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy. Ginger. Like that has the ginger gene intricate. Ginger's a fugitive. You only five dollars for the whiskey. Ginger's our hell now. Swisky. He's excellent. Ginger. I like ginger.