Speaker 1The thing that almost killed me and the thing that's supposed to keep me sober are the same voice in my head. For years I thought my problem was the drink, the drug. It turns out the drink was just the symptom. The real problem was the guy holding it and how sure that guy was he had everything under control. Today we're talking about ego and ego is the enemy. You hear this term a lot and one of my favorite definitions of it is edging God out but ego is essentially this self-obsessed part of me that wants control, that wants to do everything my way, wants you to follow my script and I'm right, you're wrong. We're not talking about ego like confidence, we're talking about ego like the little dictator in your head that always needs to be right, always needs to be special, center of attention and will burn your whole life down before it admits it's scared. So I'm gonna redefine what ego actually is. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast. My name is Anthony, I'm an alcoholic addict in recovery with a year and a half sober, clean and sober. I relapsed at about seven and a half years on steroids, secrets and ADHD medication and today I am bringing the recovery content to you. Thank you to all the new listeners that have joined us. If you're not following the podcast please follow along. It is the greatest payment I could receive from you. Thank you. Most people hear ego and picture the loudmouth. Ego is arrogant, cocky, thinks he's better than everyone. That's one version of it but that's the easy one to spot. The definition that changed things for me. Ego is just self-centeredness. It's the belief that it's all about me. Full stop. I am the center. I'm the main character in every situation I walk into. I am a legend in my own mind. Nothing else matters but pleasing me. This means that ego has two faces and they trade shifts. So there's the top of the seesaw. I've got this. I'm different. The rules don't apply to me. I don't need help. I'm going to figure this out. And then there's the bottom of the seesaw. I'm the worst. I'm broken. Nobody's been through what I've been through. I'm hopeless. What's the point? I'm just terminally unique. And a lot of us come into the recovery with this version of ego, this attitude that I'm unfixable. I'm not worthy of help. I don't, I'm different than everybody else. Yeah, you guys all got this recovery thing but it's not going to work for me. It works for you but I'm different. I'm worse. I'm not worthy of help. I'm not worthy of help. I'm worse. I'm better. I'm whatever the thing is but this is the bottom of the seesaw. Here's the part that took me way too long to get. Self pity is ego too. Feeling like the biggest piece of garbage in the room is still making yourself the main character. Both are the same like where both are the same lie wearing different clothes. The lie that I'm the center of the story. How ego keeps you sick. Ego is the bouncer at the door of help. It's there and goes, you don't need to say that out loud. You can figure this out yourself. That voice that says, no, no, no, settle down here, buddy. We've got this. You don't need to, you don't need to tell anybody about this, this suffering. We're going to figure it out. We always do. The specific ways it shows up in recovery. Terminal uniqueness. My situation is different. My pain is worse. This stuff works for other people but not for me. Ego loves that one because it gets you out of doing the work. It's your free pass. If I'm different, if it's not going to work for me, that means that I don't need to do anything. I can just sit here in self-pity and wallow and be sad and depressed. Poor me. Poor me, poor me, poor me another drink. Being right over being well. So winning the argument, keeping score, needing the last word. Yeah, I can think of countless times in my recovery where I was so caught up in ego that I was so capable, incapable of hearing the message that they were delivering and waiting to talk. That's ego for me. Comparison. Measuring my insides against everybody else's outsides. Ego always finds someone doing better to feel worse about or someone doing worse to feel superior to. Either way, I'm not doing my own work. Yes. One thing I noticed about coming back into recovery this time around is that I do this a lot. I compare my insides to your outsides. I'm either better than you or worse than you. Materially, financially, physically. My default is to compare. And what do we know about comparison? That it is the thief of joy. Constantly in lack. I am constantly missing something. It is not a good place to be. The complacency trap. This is the sneaky one, especially with time. The longer you're sober, the quieter ego gets. Until one day it whispers, you've got this handled now. You're not like you used to be. One won't hurt. Nobody will know. We've all heard this voice in our head. I can remember a time I was on vacation in Jamaica. It was my first all-inclusive vacation. I think I was two years sober. Back in 2017 maybe. And there were people doing funnels out of beer on the beach. And they came up to me and they offered it to me. And I remember the first thought in my head was, I was scared shitless because I kind of prepared for it. You know, there's people drinking all around you. I was content in my sobriety. I was working a good, solid program. And the very first thought was something along the lines of, you know, you're in Jamaica. Nobody would know. You could get back to recovery when you get home. My very next thought, because I had cultivated a recovery program, I had a pause. My very next thought was, no, call your mentor. Call somebody else. Talk about this. Say no. Think about, play the tape all the way through. And that's what I did. I played the tape all the way through. And I made a joke saying something like, oh, no, if I drink that, I'll be stranded here in Jamaica finding meth in some crack house somewhere. And it was probably true. I probably would have done that if I took that drink. I don't know. I'm glad I didn't. Ego and resentment slash relapse. Ego keeps a ledger. Every sight, every slight, every person who wronged me, every unfair thing, ego files it and charges interest. Resentment is basically ego that got its feelings hurt and won't let go. And resentment is where a lot of us go back up. Yes, this re-feeling. I cannot afford the luxury of a resentment today, like the dubious luxury of normal men. Resentment is that thing that's like poison when I keep it inside of me. It's just growing and growing. And eventually I'm going to relapse if I don't get it out. It has so much power when I'm reliving, re-feeling that emotion. My ego is hurt and it wants to get revenge. And I'm reliving how I'm going to, what I said to that person, what I should have said to that person. I'm having arguments in my head now with people. This happened to me yesterday in the elevator in my building. Some guy did something that was pissing me off. He bud the whole line for the elevator and he got in the elevator before everybody else. And it just irked me. Another guy, I was on fire yesterday. I'm happy I didn't spin out. Another guy was complaining about the elevators and how shit it would be to live in this building. And this city is too busy. And that irked me. My ego got hurt. A recovered spiritual version of me would just let that pass and kind of laugh and say, Oh, you know, that's just not my experience in my head. I wanted to embarrass this guy. I didn't. But the guy that bud the line in the elevator, I said something like, Oh man, you must love elevators. And then I said, I fucking hate elevators. And for some reason that thought plagued me for hours after I was like, Oh, why did you say that? I should have said this. And I was like, I should have said this. I should have said this. I should have said this. I should have said this. That guy doesn't even think about me. I'm the only one suffering. My ego would rather be right and resentful than free and wrong. And staying right and resentful is a great way to end up drunk. So here's the pattern. Ego gets bruised. I nurse the story of how I got wronged. Poor me. Then the story becomes a reason. Then the reason becomes an excuse. Ego builds the on-ramp back to the old life. One justification at a time. Yeah. Simple. But that's how relapse happens. I got wronged. I'm justifiably angry. So I should be angry. Anyone will be angry. Don't you know, I got wronged. I was hurt. The story becomes a reason to go back out. The reason becomes an excuse. And then we're back where we started. And maybe it's not with drugs and alcohol right away. Maybe it's with other vices, smoking, shopping, lying, old behaviors. Eventually I'm going to relapse. Resentment is powerful, man. The antidote. The opposite of ego isn't humiliation. It's humility. And humility gets a bad rap. People think it means thinking less of yourself. When it actually means thinking of yourself less. Right-sizing. Thinking of others more. Being God-centered and other-centered instead of self-centered. Humility is to be teachable. I don't have all the answers and that's okay. Right-sized. I am insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Just look at the stars. Look at the buildings. The universe is so big. Look at the globe. We are so small and insignificant. Doesn't mean we're worthless, but we're not as important as we think we are. So here's what right-sizing actually looks like day-to-day. Asking for help before I'm on fire. Ego waits until the wheels are off. Humility raises its hand early. teachable. Assuming the newcomer might have something to teach me. Assuming I still don't have it all figured out because i don't and the day i think i do is a dangerous day i always say this but my biggest problem today is i'm right i'm right that's it closed-mindedness i relapsed because i was closed-minded plain and simple i was not able to see things another way i'm right my plan is the best plan you're wrong thanks everybody i don't need your help i've got this figured out ego it'll take you down so we have asking for help before i'm on fire being teachable next is service this is an ego killer you literally cannot be self-obsessed and be useful to someone else at the same time showing up for another person shrinks ego down to actual size i can't tell you how many times i'm forced into service helping a new alcoholic addict sitting across the table having coffee with them when i've been in absolute turmoil all day in my head in my head in my head in my head poor me my life financial problems my life sucks i'm not getting what i want attachment unhealthy attachment to circumstances and outcomes and things aren't going my way expectations and i sit down with somebody and i listen to them talk about how way worse their life is in addiction and how they can't get sober and how they can't get their family back their wife hates them they have health problems and i'm immediately right-sized oh yeah i'm just like that guy oh yeah my problems are pretty good my problems are of my own making every single time i don't have problems today i have lack of perception i'm not looking at things through a clear lens i'm only seeing it through my ego i try to leave my ego at the door today when i walk when i go places it's hard but it's rewarding next we have get honest with someone ego survives in secret it dies the second you say the true thing out loud to a person who won't flinch secrets keep you sick man get honest about it find someone you can confide in and tell them everything call them when you have crazy plans and ideas tell them all your thoughts your plans and ideas hey can i run something by you that'll squash your ego right away because now you're looking for outside help now you're admitting maybe you're wrong maybe i'm wrong what a powerful sentence i don't get to think my way out of ego i've tried that many times the only thing that's ever worked is action asking for help doing something for somebody else telling on myself i used to have a counselor that would say blow up your spot tell on yourself ego hates all three of those things ego is the enemy but it's not going anywhere i'm not trying to kill it we're just deflating the ego recovery is an ego deflating process that's the goal here deflate the ego every day you got to start from zero every day i'm trying to notice it faster and stop letting it drive the bus surrender let go you don't always have to be right you're probably not right a lot of the time and that's okay you don't have all the answers i don't have all the answers what a gift i can learn more from other people now the pressure is off i don't have to be right i don't have to have all the answers the goal was never to become an egoless saint we are not saints the goal is to catch the voice a little quicker every day to hear you've got this and go nope i really don't i don't got this i need help i need someone that's it that's the whole thing my ego almost got the last word every day i stay teachable i get to write a different ending it's all dependent on your action man stay teachable i don't have all the answers humility maybe i'm wrong maybe someone else's has a better perception of this situation maybe i can talk to someone who's unemotionally involved and get a better answer i've come to a realization lately that the reason i don't want to do a lot of things in recovery and not feeling like doing things is because i have expectations about how my life should be going i was reading emotional sobriety last night which is a great book the next frontier highly recommend it's stories of how people overcame their you know got emotional sobriety under control and one of the most powerful lines i read was my life is better when i don't do things and what i mean by that what they meant by that was i don't send that email i should or text that i shouldn't have sent i want to send i don't freak out in the elevator when that guy pisses me off the less i act on my impulses and my ego and my emotions the better my day goes the more i think about what i'm going to say is this helpful before i say it the better my day goes i had a mentor tell me once kms remember kms keep mouth shut a closed mouth gathers no foot i love that think about what you're going to say before you say it think about your reaction is this emotional am i acting out of emotion right now or is this a a helpful reaction helpful response am i going to be of service when i do this thing does this help anybody do people want to hear my opinion usually it's no everyone has an opinion people usually don't want to hear your opinion but i think everybody does and that's ego ultimately service and helping the next struggling suffering alcoholic addict is going to deflate your ego quick because it puts you in a place where you realize that it's not that bad and that you're spinning stories and that i am the same as everybody else it right sizes me in recovery i'm just like that guy who's struggling to get one day sober i've been there i know how it feels if i can help him i'm stepping out of my shit and into his shit that'll squash your ego real quick the best kind of service too is the service that inconveniences you right service means little when it's convenient friendship means little when it's convenient you could even say marriage relationships in general mean little when they're convenient go out of your way to help somebody inconvenience yourself answer the phone when you don't want to call someone when you don't want to it'll change the course of your day and potentially the outcome of your life if no one has told you this yet i love you and remember recovery is simple not easy
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