Eating Crap

this episode is brought to you by nordstrom for 125 years nordstrom has been part of your story the stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview the first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old the tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe these are the moments that make nordstrom nordstrom big or small we're here for all of it celebrating 125 years with new moments still ahead discover it all in nordstrom stores and nordstrom.com welcome back freaking frack welcome to the jungle abc wednesdays abbott is back it's gonna be the best year yet thank you now we can finally turn this up and everyone's going wild y'all think you run this school but you don't it's going great abbott elementary anything can happen in the jungle right guys all new wednesdays on abc you i need to ask like i still i like can't face the fact that it's happening like what in the morning you leave in the morning okay perfect how are you like what in the morning you leave in the morning okay perfect give a girl a freaking minute give a girl a freaking minute give a girl a freaking minute yeah soak it in baby i have yeah soak it in baby i have yeah soak it in baby i have like i've already been kind of like on like i've already been kind of like on like i've already been kind of like on the verge of tears the verge of tears the verge of tears all morning and it's just like i love all morning and it's just like i love all morning and it's just like i love you to death this isn't helping you to death this isn't helping you to death this isn't helping oh you'll get used to it because you oh you'll get used to it because you oh you'll get used to it because you have to have to have to where did your hair like maybe i don't where did your hair like maybe i don't where did your hair like maybe i don't know how hi i don't know where did your know how hi i don't know where did your know how hi i don't know where did your hair go baby i don't know oh hell no when did you decide to do oh hell no when did you decide to do oh hell no when did you decide to do this oh lord i don't know i wanted to try something new it's cool i wanted to try something new it's cool i wanted to try something new it's cool there's like an excess on your neck on there's like an excess on your neck on there's like an excess on your neck on the back of your neck the back of your neck the back of your neck it just looks like you've so much skin it just looks like you've so much skin it just looks like you've so much skin hanging off of your neck i want to talk hanging off of your neck i want to talk hanging off of your neck i want to talk i look like a monster because of my lip i look like a monster because of my lip i look like a monster because of my lip you can't even see your lip are you you can't even see your lip are you you can't even see your lip are you serious i was gonna eat my chomp you can't eat i was gonna eat my chomp you can't eat i was gonna eat my chomp you can't eat your chomp because of my new look your chomp because of my new look your chomp because of my new look genuinely that's correct wow you've always wanted to be involved wow you've always wanted to be involved wow you've always wanted to be involved though i told you i've been wanting to though i told you i've been wanting to though i told you i've been wanting to this has been something that's been on this has been something that's been on this has been something that's been on my mind do you want to cozy up into my mind do you want to cozy up into my mind do you want to cozy up into into the covers and squirm around i want into the covers and squirm around i want into the covers and squirm around i want to burrow into my silk sheets yes and to burrow into my silk sheets yes and to burrow into my silk sheets yes and and kind of although would world build and kind of although would world build and kind of although would world build in there i don't think you would feel in there i don't think you would feel in there i don't think you would feel the feeling of the silk on your scalp the feeling of the silk on your scalp the feeling of the silk on your scalp because it's not your scalp because it's not your scalp because it's not your scalp i don't know brooke i feel like i might i don't know brooke i feel like i might i don't know brooke i feel like i might i feel like i might really like it in i feel like i might really like it in i feel like i might really like it in there almost like there almost like there almost like putting putting a feeling in my chest you putting putting a feeling in my chest you putting putting a feeling in my chest you don't think i look kind of good i i i yeah yeah yeah no you know it kind of just like no you know it kind of just like no you know it kind of just like came out came out came out i just wanted to be i just wanted to be i just wanted to be your neighbor today you know and that's your neighbor today you know and that's your neighbor today you know and that's a good blanket statement your neighbor a good blanket statement your neighbor a good blanket statement your neighbor i'm everybody's neighbor i'm i'm having a hard time like i'm i'm having a hard time like i'm i'm having a hard time like just easing into everything and just just easing into everything and just just easing into everything and just adjusting this is oh wait do you want to adjusting this is oh wait do you want to adjusting this is oh wait do you want to tell the audio listeners what happened tell the audio listeners what happened oh yeah sure i got a new look if you're listening on audio like genuinely i'm sorry and i was going to tell everyone to just do audio only today because something happened to my lip and i look look i don't think anyone's going to be looking at your lip baby i'm sorry i got a new look that's like thank and thank you for that yeah i i seriously was like um i was also saying this is this is disgusting shockingly disgusting and then i sat with it and i got the mustache and i was like oh maybe maybe there is a world where this is doable for me down the road if i have to i don't know if there is all right i'm bored let's go to turkey i don't know if there's but you i just like where does your hair where hair go it's gone i want you to get used to this because this could happen it couldn't it could i don't you wouldn't let it the medical advances have allowed us to avoid these sort of things but like i think that i would i am one that would let it go because i'm always trying to let people know that it's okay to just let it go and you will look better in this way you don't think i don't know but also there's two different kinds of bald men there's what you are doing right now or it's like the shiny like completely hairless like bald and then there's kind of like a stubbly bald and like not not no no not not everyone can achieve what you have not all men can achieve this like shiny cue ball head you know is it shiny to you do you want to touch it no no no no not at all but you don't want to touch it at all not okay well i don't have any desire but not all men is genuine this is what a penis looks like i've like i've chills yeah yeah this is literally this is like when i when i put this on today i go this is this is this is the white uncle aged man at jazz in the park in your neighborhood ready just never considered your head like the shape of your head oh you got new sprinklers they look good you don't want to dance with me not in a dancing mood today all right how do you feel i feel great i've been here for a while can i ask how long this took this took two hours okay yeah to achieve yeah it's not easy i have a i have a friend who's a dancer and he's a dancer and i have a full head no you have a full head yeah i just i'm having trouble understanding where that went it's under how i'm my undercarriage shana she's gonna does it all i know i yeah i know i don't know how to like have an a normal episode you i promise you shit with it is he ended up really coming around to my bald bald head really yeah when he first put it on it was it was hard to look at it i said i'm having like that reaction i said it grows on you and i'm burping it's like burping a lot i said that is fucking disgusting when i first said it and i was like i'm sorry but like i just have not seen myself like that but we have to move on because you know i'm just gonna start i'm gonna look straight ahead for a little okay and i hope that doesn't upset you need to like i need you to know that like when i was voldemort like understandable like reaction there but i think you might have like adverse feelings towards bald people not it's this kind of bald shiny bald shiny bald i've always it's never been my preference like pop-up is bald but he has like you know that like half a halo of like whatever's left i guess what is that called it's not half a hit it's like a reverse it's like a reverse hairline it's like a reverse taper fade it's like you know what i mean they have the hair on the side i don't know i'm fine i'm totally fine with that but it's cue ball bald bald has always sat with me in a way that i'm uncomfortable with they should call now you got a mustache hair in here yeah in your throat a few they should uh they should i they should call that hair type the arena because it does are the coliseum yeah it does exactly it's like that horseshoe shape it's round where you could actually view a show there right if you wanted to see like some sort of amphitheater the amphitheater try that next time maybe i will yeah that would make you feel more comfortable if i did that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i would feel comfortable if i had a little bit of hair on my side just a little okay i have sympathy pains in my throat sympathy pains yeah what is that from you like i feel like i have part of your mustache in my throat okay hold on because one i need to pull up our notes because i have so much from the past couple weeks that we've been we obviously had lizzy on last week so i we couldn't throw her into the ringer with all this this stuff amazing she was so amazing it's going to be a hard to like move on past that i like that but um pretty great girl oh what i was just saying i was like you'll you'll you'll you'll have to move on because you have to yeah i like voldemort like i'm like oh that's like you're in a costume you know yeah this is like there's a real there's a realism here i can't stop waving like this i get it you feel yourself embodying the character i'm becoming another person oh stop i just know like that's exactly how you would act yeah i know yeah you're doing too well i you're doing too well you should you should be flattered that i'm having this type of reaction because you're you're nailing the part thanks sure well i was saying the why did we start saying they'll understand because they have to this is about other others it's something he i think were you missing a week or something maybe or the podcast or like our behavior was poor or something that's what it was it was we were acting we were yeah we were misbehaving yeah and it was reflecting poorly on our character our work exactly exactly and we we said you know what this is just kind of like a write-off and they'll understand because they have to and that was i've been applying they'll understand because they have to in my life so much so that i've reverse engineered it and i've gotten all the way to i'll understand because i have to i've been letting go of it i love it i love it i love that yeah i would love to understand because i have to that's like it you know what it's similar to is um you don't have to do it with a smile do it with a frown but you just have to do it yeah it's like you sometimes some things you just have to that can live in the same box as i'll understand because i have to yeah because it's just like out of my control and it's going to happen whether i like it or not and then it goes all the way back to like 99 of the things you worry about i don't even know what to do with it i don't even know what to do with it i don't happen huh what are you having anxiety about today anxiety about today yeah well um a number of things you have a different kind of hair stuck in your mustache there's been several the one i pulled out my mouth was not from my yeah there's a different kind of hair poking out but i don't have a cat it's like a cat hair i know it tastes like a cat hair it tasted like cat hair come here oh yeah you didn't get it oh that's my nose it's from your mustache it's just coming off a little yeah yeah it's more coarse than i when i had anticipated did i tell you last week after you said that you had gray hairs i was in my hotel and i okay something came across my desk yeah i'm sorry about that it's just like you thought you did that i know you texted me and said i hate you yeah and i literally my stomach dropped look at me now look what i had to do dropped and i was like what could i have done and then i gave you gray hair did that inspire this completely unrelated if you can imagine i'm sure it was subconscious right subconscious but what is that from subconscious that was from that accent that you hate when i do the larry david accent yeah but why is it why is the word subconscious i don't know because we used to do accents a lot when we all lived together because we were we thought we were on the precipice of something precipice that post what's making you anxious i don't have anything really that's making me really i can speak into the camera oh but you have stuff that is unspoken yeah okay really incredible stuff what what are you i'm like i know it's on your mind too i can talk about it because no it's not that but i can talk about this because it will be done by the time this episode comes out but i have to go on live tv yeah on wednesday it's monday right now in new york i i haven't slept in a month yeah have you ever seen that video of the guy going on the today show have you ever seen the video of the guy the newscaster having a panic attack on camera no it's not pretty and i remember i saw it years ago because it obviously went viral of course and i remember thinking like thank god i will never have to go on live tv thank god and now here we are you make a plan and god laughs god is cracking up yeah i don't know what i'm gonna do it'll it's like gonna be one full minute of your time and then that's gonna be it and you'll probably only talk one five full minutes it's it's gonna feel like one it's gonna be over in two seconds you're gonna be like i wish i had 15 i promise you that won't be i my line of thing oh i promise you well you're gonna love it you're gonna eat it up i'm not i'm just like i don't i don't i'm like i've never been this nervous for anything in my entire life it's a layup no yes i don't know what to do beta blocker that's true i've been training myself with my betas yeah they're so expired though oh that would actually google says it's fine because the shelf life is of them is really good or i don't know if that's the way to like the right way to talk about shelf life it just has a high shelf life if it has a it's not it's not a long long long it's a width more yeah it's like air base times height shelf life five so maintains up to 90 efficiency after five years past expiration date is what google said how many years has it been two you're fine and it's not you're gonna get like a really potent beta blocker that's a quaalude like it's not gonna like i want to like i i need something stronger i don't think so i do i don't think so i think i'm gonna get really drunk at 9 00 a.m before the today show that would reflect really well on your line of work it really would okay so you can say today show yeah i guess this comes out after yeah i mean i probably could have said it before too but i didn't want to talk about it before are you gonna be on the today show part where i can be behind there with a window that's here like i don't know she killed my dog or something i don't know where i will be sitting i don't know anything i'm gonna wear this and just be right behind you like this i'm hoping that what happens is that i'm in a room where it's like really not a lot of people and my brain is not able to connect the dots like that it's gonna be live television i'm hoping that it's just like this and like i'm not my body doesn't process the fact that i'm being live that i'm live you're gonna be completely coach honest you know that the as soon as i finish the today show we've recorded an episode of this podcast i didn't know that yeah so that should be fun okay and you know what i've been telling myself i've been telling myself that i've been telling myself that the only thing that helps it will be over no matter what happens like it will be done even if i die on live television those five minutes will end whether i'm here or not and life will go on oh i don't like that i don't like how you i don't like how you went there no that made me because it is crazy that like if you were to die it's like i would helping me to think if i drop dead on the today show life will still go on they will they will haul my body off and then they'd have to do the next segment and they will go on tons of shit goes down at the today show and they go and they move on oh my god some bitch is gonna bring out some pans and be like this is you need these for the summer and your body's gonna be just like bagged up to go doggy bag okay this is helpful good oh this is helpful good yeah good well i'll be back in new york when do you leave i'm gonna go on your flight tomorrow surprise are you actually yeah i just moved it i'm gonna keep this on you don't know what flight i'm on i have i i found out there's only a couple flights no you didn't yeah i did what flight are you on you're on the 11 a.m to jfk no i'm not well i am now so i'm on the 10 a.m itchy i might have a dry scalp today which is a bad day to put on the put on the look but yeah i'm i'm going back and then my timing kind of opened up until i go see my grandma at the end of the month in michigan but i am just in new york until i move in my apartment that's such a good feeling the feeling of being able to delete street easy and zillow from my phone seriously seriously feels like you didn't tell everyone you got a new apartment oh on the bonus i did i got the apartment i got the apartment and deleting zillow and street easy from my phone feels like i'm leaving like an abusive relationship like that's awesome these things have been playing in my face these photos i've seen i'm like this is a real photo like it genuinely feels like deleting dating apps being like i found the one you know and something i found that was like pretty cathartic after i've deleted these things was like finding out that like as much as i hate landlords just because of my experience with landlords i think someone else that's equally up in the ranks in Evil spirits and like genuinely sadistic individuals. Sellouts. Can I guess? Yep. Sellouts. Evil, sadistic sellouts. Is it like something similar to landlords? Yeah, kind of. It's in the process. Oh, is it the broker? Nope. Is it? Sometimes, but not always. Is it a realtor? Nope. Is it, it does have to do with housing? Yeah. Is it the mold inspector? No. No, you wouldn't say it. bad word about the mold inspector tell me the photographers you are just if not more because you're selling out deceitful as those you work for it's like a dating app like who does it help that the pictures don't reflect what's actually there some we're gonna find out we're gonna find out and i'm holding you we need to start holding these zillow photographers accountable for what they're doing who are they is it are they i think a lot of times it's the people who just own the house uploading photos right there are some photographers and i've gone to places and i've toured places and then they they get posted on instagram and it's like these amazing architectural digest style photos of this like large space and i'm like no no no no i'm commenting on them i'm i'm leaving comments i'm saying do not fall for this please you use your eyes yeah look and see and hear heed my warning do not even go tour this place because it's gonna suck you in there sometimes it's the complete opposite though and they post kind of like bad pictures and it's an amazing place i have not had that experience ever in my life you've you're very lucky you're a lucky girl oh i haven't had it but both kat and tristan's places they were like crappy photos they were just whatever and their houses are gorgeous no these people like they're genuinely getting the getty photographers from the red carpet to take photos of this like 14 square foot apartment and i'm like oh my god i could get a ping pong table and i get there i'm like how do i get in through the door because the door touches the other wall it's super crazy yeah it's not helping anyone no and this is the this experience with the apartment that i was that i have signed the lease on now it was honest and it was truthful and it was real good that must feel so amazing i'm looking i'm very much looking forward to it i'm looking forward to when do you move in the 15th two weeks so exciting it's gonna be really great it's a shame that you won't be there while i moved in you'll and i'm not i'm vending you over to see my current home but you know we're gonna go out to a celebratory dinner yeah when i'm there because i will have completed the today show unless i don't make it we're gonna go to a celebratory dinner no matter what happens we're gonna celebrate can we do like 7 30 i would love to do something later huh no like that's perfect 7 30 why wait what i would love to do something later no like i was saying like in my mind 7 30 is later so that was me agreeing with 7 30 for a dinner wait what why are you confused because does that feel early to you that's like an early oh so to me that's like the latest i would ever go what time do you eat dinner 5 and you don't eat a second dinner i usually have a pretty substantial dessert i get pink berry most nights what i'm bad i'm a bad girl you're crazy yeah or i like pig out yeah i my my eating schedule is weird because i don't eat i i can't do breakfast i'm really nauseous for the first four hours of the night so i do lunch and then an early dinner and then crap my crap meal so from like four to ten you're crap you're crapping out no from like wait what you're telling me i'm just kind of repeating what you're saying lunch yeah no i got at like noon yeah early dinner and at five at like five and then maybe like eight i'm doing crap oh so i guess that could maybe 12 you could think about it as the 12 o'clock is my breakfast the five o'clock is my late lunch you're like intermittent and then i just do crap for it and then you're crapping out towards the end yeah oh i kind of like finishing with crap yeah i'm always fin topping with crap what crap did you top with last night um a chicken finger a leftover cold chicken finger oh like when you set up the word crap like i was expecting some that's not at all one chicken finger well i wasn't very hungry i haven't been eating just due to extreme extreme anxiety you know what here's let me tell you me i'll i'll be home if i if i start if you put if you say crap to me i want you to know the other day i put in a turkey sausage and just raw into the air fryer and then i just put cheese over top of it and then i cooked it for 10 minutes that sounds good yeah that's my that's my crap and i also will usually do fruity pebbles i'll do i'll do 10 frozen meatballs and some strawberries you you eat so well i know i eat like i'm living in ikea that's perfect i do like it yeah i'm not complaining at all but crap to me would be like this bowl of shit and sometimes i'll just do olives like a jar of olives that's disgusting to me i like olives but 7 30 to me to most people i think now is like an as like an early dinner 7 30 to me is the perfect time to eat supper moral of the story 7 30 is fucking fabulous for dinner it's pretty perfect i will see you at 7 30 i'm looking forward to you know why i want to do 7 30 because you're done by nine no because i want to take a pretty significant nap before that yeah because i will deserve it did you hear my stomach just now because i didn't get a chance to eat my chomp no why do you sound like olivia dean or did you eat my stomach just now um i have to tell you something yeah i got these new flip-flops oh i saw them they're like wedge wedge flip-flops those are what my mom used to wear because she has plantar fasciitis yeah they're kind of oh you think these look like plantar fasciitis it helps with your arch yeah okay so i felt like i was a little bit too much and i was like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm pretty bad getting out of an uber when yesterday okay just alone like hard onto the thank god it was grass but like i fell and i've been thinking about it ever since so how does that how'd you end up with the the platform fly oh i was wearing them and i've fallen because they're a different sort of shape they're huge yeah they're they don't go well with my ankles so i'd fallen like pretty hard and it was pretty embarrassing and everyone was like are you okay where did you do people see yes yeah yes yes it's like to fall it's just hard brooke i tell you all the time when i fall when i'm by myself it's usually like if a tree falls in the forest doesn't make a sound like if you fall when you're alone you genuinely don't make a sound because it's like who am i doing this for a lot of people saw yeah did you make a sound or did you get up and no it was so soft because it was on the grass but it was full body like it was like it wasn't even like i protected myself with my hands when i fell down i just gave up like did your chest hit the ground body like like body slamming that's my favorite way for people to fall it was almost like a stop drop and roll like you hit horizontal i don't even know i just remember being split i was splayed out it's almost like i was died like it did a dive like a belly flop jump because i was just like i don't care i don't care about anything did you bounce i think on my way down i was actively like i don't care about anything it's all over anyway like i just hate this and so i just like completely had given up halfway through that's so funny oh my gosh that was like when i got hit by that car yeah in the scooter i was in the air for so long that i was like am i still in the air how embarrassing yeah it was horrible and then i i hit the ground i was embarrassed too and the car yelled at me and i was like sorry but that's like i like getting hit by a car is less embarrassing than falling for sure yeah don't you think yeah did you bounce hard hit like hit and just stuck the landing yeah wow so that is that i wanted to tell someone well you and you you know what you got back on your horse those platform platforms you got back on your horse those platform platforms you got back on your horse those platform platforms you got back on your horse those platform platforms you got back yeah no i'm back in them i think they're cute yeah they're uh kind of like early 2000s yeah they are so ew my shorts have been ridden up this whole time are they in you no they're just like i just don't like the way that my body looks can we cut the episodes it was just my face i don't want my face in it either can we cut me out of this episode can you blur my whole body just do like one blur actually remember that episode of fairly odd parents where everyone's just a gray blob just yeah i just want to be like i just want to that one scared me really bad that was actually an amazing learning lesson that episode no not today what does it look like you pay on it looks ew why i don't think it could ever look ew it looks ew i like it okay but you will spend so much time getting bald i don't think you should you don't need to like yeah go backwards yeah um you want to hear something that happened to me last week yeah it was horrible tell me so i was auditioning for something what was it what was it just something i'll never get like usual and how often do you audition for stuff every now and then every every long enough where a new batch of people has started working at the company that's sending me audition where they haven't seen my old auditions. and i had i had to door dash a ring light because i don't know what happened to my ring light my move and so and i'm like an adult and i got walked up and someone was i saw that it was someone was taking my package and i had to go stop at the from taking my ring light i was like oh that's mine for my ring light to stop the thief i had to stop pause pause whose ring light whose ring light is that pause that's my ring light pause off my ring light adult man with a ring light uh was it like one of those packages where it like has the ring light like it's on displayed on the package okay cool and what suck hi that's my ring light hi that's my ring light pause off please get your own it was like a you can have it when i'm done you can't because what if i get another audition right what if i get a what if i get a call if you get your big break it could be my big break you'll need your ring light with with my ring light that was you a 12 inch ring light that barely sits on a desk i don't know who who this is for it was from the children's section of cbs that cbs now has a section of cbs that's the content creation section next to like hairbrushes and stuff i love cvs yeah cvs is great but don't you think it's crazy that the content creation section that piece of it all i didn't know there was a content creation section and it's it's like positioned towards kids i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know did you hear there's a at some school that's content creation that's what i was gonna influence that's what i was gonna say next next okay it's a job oh totally it's a job did you see that no influencers allowed sign at that place yeah do you have anything to say like i was kind of well do you think i know what you're gonna say what no i'm not gonna say because i don't want to be wrong i it's obviously like you can come in if you're an influencer you just can't be influencing right also where was it nantucket yeah which is like you can go like alex earl could go she just couldn't be at inactive influence she can't be under the influence yeah i think that's totally fine like the it was just like it was just like weird to do i guess where was the sign just like for all of nantucket no it was in one store it was in a basket store for back they sell baskets which like the no influencer sign then just do like no filming well i think that they don't want the group of i don't really know i don't know but it works because like now i know about this basket store in nantucket you know that was their plan all along i don't think it was because they doubled down influencers no influencers no influencers sign so oh my gosh i know her she's from houston sparks debate i like i'm totally for it if it's like no filming but then just say no filming so that's i think where the confusion is for me slow news day in nantucket i guess was meant to be tongue-in-cheek oh was it oh it was meant to be tongue-in-cheek that's weird well no i think that like no it's like you know it would be really funny and no influencers sign i mean they i don't okay i will say this like i don't think it was tongue-in-cheek in the way of like this will drive business because i don't think it was tongue-in-cheek because if you owe if you own a basket store in nantucket like i really think that that might be just like a passive fun hobby that you do because i don't think that like i don't know anything about this store i'm just guessing but you're probably not driving like i own a storefront in nantucket money from a basket shop is it a basket shop antique store basket shop yeah so i think that they probably like don't need the marketing so i think the no influencers thing is probably like an inside joke they were going for like one of those like home goods type of signs like no our hearts are happy now that we're together type of vibe my cup is over my cup is overflowing because it's sunday and i have coffee yeah something like that no i think that i think that it was probably like a they probably talk crap about like influencers all the time they're like wait we should put a sign up that would be or it's like it reminds me of like um reminds me of something like no i don't know what i don't know what does it remind you of like it kind of reminds me of my beware of the cat doormat but i don't know how to make the connection tongue and cheek tongue and i think that's the connection i don't know what tongue and cheek it's like glib what the hell we're planning is that from like tongue and cheek no don't go back like if i hope tim dylan doesn't get a hold of that last like 30 seconds of the podcast because that's gonna be a lot of fun i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know tongue and cheek means joke irony or funny remark and describes a statement that is i know that i know this but where did tongue and cheek come from like this because you're like i'm bad yeah like i've been bad a bad girl yeah 18th century facial gesture where people push their tongue into their cheek to signal contempt hidden mockery or suppressed amusement we should start doing that across the room at parties like when we know anytime we do a joke on this podcast we shouldn't laugh anymore we should go no influencers i hope they don't buy all of our baskets stay out of my antique store exactly we're joking it's so it looks really good when you're bald to do that they have follows don't let the door hit you on the way out okay so overall my take on that is i guess i don't really care how about you oh i couldn't give less of it okay cool sounds good i was never gonna go sounds sounds good to me never oh look at this picture of us i genuinely miss when you had hair i have hair i miss it it just feels like i just don't remember what you look like with hair what are you doing on your phone i'm looking up things to talk about oh i want to talk i have stuff to talk about we'll do it yeah i wish i was in west virginia why it's my it's one of my favorite places yeah i'm reading your book right now and you mentioned west virginia like right away isn't that scary that is really weird and i was kind of like i don't believe west virginia is real yeah and like when you have a plan god god god be when you have a plan god be like that was god when he was reading phoebe god when he's reading phoebe be like oh yeah so yeah god sent me to west virginia and i and i loved it so much west virginia was amazing just it's just it was nice to be really removed if you yeah if you find yourself in that part of the country which is funny because remember when i was i was in i was in charlotte north carolina and then i had to go to charleston and i was driving xavier and maggie because we had a show in charleston yeah and i was driving and then two hours into the drive and i made them i made them wake up early so we could spend the day in charleston wake up early we couldn't do the complimentary breakfast i said p pack your bags we're leaving at nine we leave we drive two hours and xavier at some and i was thinking to myself i thought charleston was on the water maybe it's on a lake charleston's not on the water sure is i think charleston's pretty landlocked south carolina north carolina yeah fully it's on the coast oh no i'm thinking of charlotte yeah are you talking about charleston south carolina sure i don't actually know no i think it's north carolina charleston oh south sorry it's okay um so i'm yeah it's right there on the it's on the water there in the water in south carolina yeah so i was driving driving and i was like huh maybe it's on like a maybe it's on like a bay and the bay comes all the way in and then xavier goes i don't know how to tell you this he zooms in on that we're in west virginia and we were one hour away from charleston west virginia yeah awesome it wasn't your time to go there yet no it wasn't and i'm so so glad we got the time that we did it was so fun we went to the new river gorge national park preserve and preserve and preserve and preserve i think it's just the newest national park it's the newest national park it opened in 2020 is it the second longest river did i make that up it's a second behind the nile or the second oldest oldest which is yeah because it was ironic that it was called the new river yes yes that's yes but it's it's the oldest one yeah and we went whitewater rafting i miss it i miss the rapids i just didn't i just never pictured you on a whitewater everyone has been saying that like how much do they have to pay you to like get you out here i like that kind of stuff it's just a matter of like i what i don't like is like the active like like i don't like hiking you know i don't like exerting myself necessarily but like i love like hiking and i don't like hiking i don't like hiking and i don't like nature and water sure you know yeah so whitewater rafting is good my concern was just if i was going to be seasick or not and you don't get seasick on the rapids so i was fine i don't totally get how you get seasick on the ocean but not the river i think it's just so slow and calm and then the parts that are like whoa are like three seconds yeah well you did it you did a great job and we filmed a bunch of it and it'll be released i'm excited to see that in some capacity with our with our family over at t-mobile that's the thing about family is it can look like anything it can look like anything I found mine in in West Virginia yeah damn yeah that was so much fun um I haven't talked to you about anything for a long time you know I went to that wedding I went to Paige and Tommy's wedding oh yeah and New York I didn't see any pictures of you well here's the thing and I'll tell you why you didn't see any pictures of me one because as I was getting ready I haven't worn my tux in a while somehow I have two tuxes and I have no idea when I that's crazy the guys can just wear the same thing to every wedding it is crazy but when you think about the fact that it was 98 degrees and girls are wearing like a flowy dress and I'm in a three-piece suit and then I'm going to tell you this next part I have not put on my tux in a while I have my body has changed a lot since the last time I put the tux on I'm going oh maybe I should have put on my tux in a while I'm going oh maybe I should have put on my tux in a while I'm going oh maybe it's because I just had lunch no you look great thanks do you think you bulked like muscle I'm talking about the pants though my glutes are beginning a little bigger I've been down to put on my socks my crotch rips out like I bust through the crotch nice completely so I go it was busted through the front of the crotch yeah what nothing you think I can't bust out the crotch no I did not say that the way that my thighs had filled up the pants busted out the crotch okay so then I throw on my other tux pants they are like skinny like they're like fitted you know like I wear kind of wider legged trousers right I forgot that my tux pants are like fitted so I'm already like uncomfortable I'm sweating so much from like my shins and my knees which like I didn't even know you could sweat there that I'm already like uncomfortable I'm sweating so much from like my shins and my knees which like like they're it's sticking to me and then I was sweating so profusely that I posted a video like I had to sneak away from the reception and go into this like like the venue area and take off my jacket and sit next to a fan and I posted it and everyone was like we're really concerned for you they were like what's going on because I looked so unwell in this thing that's why there was no pictures of me because I was sweating so much that I looked I looked I'm gonna show you that's my least favorite thing is when you like post something because you're like haha which I just like I did with my lip and then everyone's like you need to go to the hospital like I was like that no everyone's not what I meant we're really really really scared for you I'm gonna show you here we go I'm gonna put this on the that's how tight my pants oh I'm gonna put this on the that's how tight my pants are oh you really like you just got out of the New River Gorge I'm soaking from head to toe look at when I look at my jacket for the first time you look handsome thank you that's really nice but look at the look at this Oh my tux my god so like I felt disgusting obviously it's like the hottest group of people ever anywhere like Paige Lorenz is like obviously it's everyone's so so 10 out of 10 and I'm I just complete last couple days on earth vibes from me just like sick sweating on the ground on my knees inside the house as these classy folks walk by it I'm like soaked head to toe that is tough I'm sorry yeah people kept but I would have been so jealous of that sweat cuz you know I can't work up a sweat like that people were like where are you and I was like I couldn't tell them I'm in them I'm in the portable potty yeah next to that they were pumping AC into it like I was dealing with the smell because I was like I need that to be next to this flow you should bring a portable little fan with you it died you need to bring the shark yeah the chill pill you know I love the chill pill yeah highly recommend the chill pill if it no one if anyone needs it have you seen obsession yeah what why are you look why are you acting like that cuz I talked I talked about it a ton I don't remember that was Brooke gone when I talked about obsession oh yeah you were I think you were what did you say what are you gonna say what would what did you say well I said it was a fabulous movie and people yearn for new faces and film and TV and I thought it was fabulous acting across the board and it didn't leave me feeling unsettled the night that I saw it but the more that I sat with it the more the one week later I was like oh I'm like freaked out about that it was making me feel sick I love a adina adina nadina not at all what's her name her name um something kind of similar but not really indeed indeed yeah indina verrett she is like so gorgeous and talented yeah the acting was incredible if i could conjure up my nightmare film it would be puke and dead cat and the end and that was and that was that for me not the her being stuck being obsessed with someone that she's like no that honestly makes sense to me what they kind of lost me because so he wished for her to love him more than anyone else yeah how does that translate into what she became it was a descent into madness yeah i just like really didn't understand the pipeline of like just like i want her to love me to like her shitting on the floor and like throwing up and cooking a cat it was just like you she lost love you more than anything like drives you to insanity yeah like it was like she was unable to like function or do it like love loved him more than breathing loved him more than like going to the bathroom loved him more than but like why do you love someone so much that you have to cook their cat i hope like that i hope you never figure out that would just like never like i've i've had some pretty intense limerence i've i just like it i i wasn't relating to it's certainly not supposed to be a relatable film right um but i think that what you're feeling is the completely what like the intention behind it was like it should be like i just kept going like why is she doing that good okay good good good yeah why is that girl beating that girl's face into her steering wheel until she turned no that made sense oh that i'm like okay like jealousy yeah jealousy on steroids like extreme obsession got that part i didn't get the like that made sense i just didn't get the like cooking the cat that you only lost her at the cat well there was a lot of stuff where i was like why are you pooping on the floor because i love you see that's where i was like how did we get here she never pooped that she did something she did she did i think poop on the floor i don't think she pooped i think she pooped and peed and puked i guess i'll just piss on the floor yeah yeah she had to wait for him to get home she couldn't go to the bathroom dogs do that all the time and they love you that's a good way that's a good way to put it just like pure just unadulterated like unconditional love i understood the taping of the door like yeah i got that part it was just there were some things i was like i'm not following your thought process which again as you said like good yeah like don't put yourself in those shoes because you'll fall those are huge shoes because they're for plantar fasciitis um but yeah i i wish i wanted i wanted to go on reddit after but i'm i'm blocked from reddit reddit does not enter my i know but i like going on after movies they need to make a new reddit that's like for people with jobs they need to make a new reddit that's like let's like kind kindness kind reddit yeah let's make kind reddit where is nathan fielder dumb starbucks and kind reddit two things that will never exist i miss dumb starbucks i miss nathan me too i saw a picture of him recently where he's a little older than i remember you know he's like not as old as you would think he is really he's like pretty early like early 40s he kind of aged like they used to in the past what do you mean like george costanza you know like george he's always had more of like a mature look you know even when he was like 20 he was like pepper vibes yeah that's what my hair looked like when i looked in the mirror and saw that one gray hair i saw nathan fielder yeah i get that in the mirror it's so like men really do get to like get better looking as they age he's funny he is yeah hot take hot take nathan fielder's kind of like tongue in cheek what nothing i watched something else too cool i i need to go see the odyssey so i can talk about it and i need to go see i'm gonna go see spider-man i heard people are crying at spider-man and i i forget that like spider-man is always sad i know but i forget that like i don't know i guess i cried at remarkable remarkably bright creatures what did you forget that like people take it like oh no it's really spider-man's really emotional although i've never seen tom holland's i don't think i could ever cry at a superhero movie you didn't cry when uncle ben died no that's like to me like titanic level titanic is uncle ben as martin sheen's uncle ben passing titanic is like what is it called fictional reality well i've also never made it through titanic but don't do not speak on my on my film but uncle ben dying is like one of one of the worst things in the world i'll have to re-watch how are they still coming out with spider-man's i don't get that either i don't get i don't really know no way home they're different like spider-man no way home spider-man i'm heading there spider-man on my way spider-man forgot my keys spider-man doors unlocked spider-man did i turn off my oven that's funny that's genuinely funny thanks and you should add that to your stand-up write it down why aren't you actually writing it down just like what you didn't even laugh no i'm not like a big laugher but i really did think that was like smart and funny thanks well we could clip it if we you want to clip it no i don't know if we should clip it but i think it was like you could workshop it oh my god well i was workshopping it yeah i think you should take it and continue to workshop it and use it in stand-up okay let me try it again let me try it again no no i don't no no no no because i want to clip it no because i want to clip it okay how did we start it doesn't matter i don't want to do it anymore i lost it okay i got turned off just something to think about i'm not even i'm not even in the mood anymore i miss laughing with you yeah me too you're not yourself with your bald head no i've mode exactly that's why you should have done that after i did i was thinking like oh this is smart as you were going and i was actually thinking like i can't i want to join in with him you could have joined i was i would have loved if you joined i was trying my wheels were turning and nothing was coming out you know what i think that we we don't do what sit with it for a second and like let our wheels turn i would have needed 35 minutes to think of a no no you're very you i'm not quick you're witty i'm not i'm witty but i'm not quick you're witty and quick and you're on your toes i'm witty but i'm not quick your tongue and cheek your most definitely plantar fasciitis on your toes with your tongue in your cheek and the shape of an l on your forehead see like that's really quick but it's not funny like i bet like you can be quick all you want you can say whatever you want as fast as you want like i thought that was funny oh thanks i appreciate it clip it i think you're an amazing guy i there was like a full thread of people being like i fucking hate when connor wants to clip something like i didn't know that people were i'm like oh my god i'm not always clip farming you guys lately just kidding do you want to hear something really gross yeah what i what i did to my lip yeah you know i still can't well so if you get squeamish like i'm warning you this was not okay what i did basically i don't know what happened okay i woke up i did get lip filler two weeks ago but my lips were fine so and then i called the dermatologist and she said she thinks this is un lip filler related i woke up with like a little like blood blister on my lip that happens which happens i think fine whatever i was and i fucked with it pretty bad sure and now my entire face is a bruised lip and purple that's the end of the story i'm not i'm just not going to tell you how i fucked with it because that's the squeamish part did you like pop it like a pimple i stuck a safety pin in it oh brock but i sterilized it with it with alcohol are they supposed to sterilize it with a lighter i think like parent trap i think alcohol is fine they have a lighter in that little cabinet and like obviously i shouldn't have done that y'all don't need to tell me that like oh i know baby i i'm paying the price yeah so i was bleeding a lot out of your lip okay and my problem is that i just i'm a picker and i can't let things i just can't let things be i think that goes for physical things on my body and just situations i can't let anything be ever everything needs to be handled as soon as possible look i've never had a scab because the second something starts to scab it's gone i've picked it they they need to make scabs you can just like put on and pick off like artificial scabs like glue yeah yeah we already did that yeah i've been there when i got to my new apartment and i had a box of miscellaneous items and i had like six bottles of glue because i forgot that i went through that phase in my adult life where i wanted to put glue on my hands and i was like no put donate get the glue you don't need six things of elmer's glue actually i don't need glue for anything when's the last time you use glue genuinely connor i was looking for my glue yesterday i shit you not period and if i was just being quick i'd be like oh i don't have anything you're quick i don't know i actually like because i said that i i blanked i'm a slower girl uh muhammad ali that was a compliment yeah that was just quick that yeah but it wasn't funny well that was in reference to a different video what was it okay so i didn't i don't i don't really know what the clip is but the tweet name a woman no the tweet was it was connor harris and so the the caption is me when chat gbt is down and someone asked me my name sorry were you laughing at what i said or your sneeze my sneeze her sneeze is funnier than what i just said no that's funny i forget what you said i told you i'm a slower girl when i'm one of those girls that's a bit slower slower than you might think think i am me when chat gbt is down and someone asked me my name and it's coming here it's going that uh muhammad ali okay that's funny that's funny that's funny i like it i like it i like it it's topical oh um um muhammad ali yeah that's a funny clip yeah that's like the i think the people that come up with those clips are the people that come up with those clips are the backbone of our society like what's that girl's name that that video that we watched last week where she's she's got corinna that sorry i think i'm allergic to your bald don't say that you need to be sweet be sweet say one sweet thing i have said so many sweet things to you i told you you looked handsome in that sweating video i told you your body's been looking amazing i told you you're funny and quick see i told you that i think you're a really good guy i can't say anything sweet about your head you need to say something sweet about my bald bald head brooke i don't like it it makes me feel weird you knew i wasn't gonna you knew you did it to unsettle me no no one did you expect no one i'm not bald i'm not bald to convenience you or inconvenience you i didn't think you were this was never this my my baldness is not to impair you in any way i'm i'm exploring my body i'm you did it to get a a jarred reaction from me no brooke i did it for not for them but on no in no world did you think brooke's gonna think i look really brooke i didn't again i didn't do i didn't do the bald bald head you weren't thinking i just didn't think that you'd have this adverse of a reaction i don't and to the bald community i told you i'm not to the bald community i'm sorry i didn't know i did not know it's the cube it's the shiny i've had an experience with someone in my life with a shinier bald or head it's just it left a negative taste in my mouth left a bitter taste in my mouth i can't speak on him right now it was a him it was like a a teacher like type of person who i just science just didn't care for no history no math no i'm also not gonna say because it would really narrow down and it's not even like it wasn't even like anything happened it was just like the only thing that i associate with this person is his bald shiny head like that is all he is kind of you can't be a person with a bald shiny head and have that not be your whole thing unless like unless you're like you you really have to be like bald is beautiful and bald does not have to be you don't i don't mean to be bald as bald phobic as i'm being like and like i am i am but i and i have no problem with like bald with like a little bit of something and i there are some types of people with this types of baldness totally actually i think we should delete all of my no it's okay no now i'm getting scared because like some people like medically have to be that bald and that's fine bro you're so fine no and that's completely fine like i'm not talking about i i'm also talking about like what you've done like this creepy man type of situation i i love bald women oh i want to go on record i love bald women i have no problem with people that are bald for all different types of reasons it's this archetype of creepy man that you're going for that i don't - I'm not going for creepy man, in fact, I looked up fun prosthetics, and this was the least creepy option. What were the others? Like half men, half fruit bat. I just now I feel like I'm being a little bit gaslit. Brooke! I don't feel like it's insane for me to look at you right now and be like, ew. I genuinely like, me and Izzy were like, oh my gosh, I kind of like this on me. Izzy? It grew on me. It grew. It did. You have, to all the people, like you have that. And I think maybe sitting with me for the next couple hours today will help ease you through that. Because, Brooke, I'm your friend. I'm your neighbor. It doesn't feel like it. You've got to be sweet. It's this. It's this type of person and baldness that you're embodying. Maybe if I would have put on, like, glasses. I think that would have made it a fuck ton worse. Yeah. I'm just me here. With. When do you think you'll take it off? I don't know. I really. Do you think you'll wear it all day? I want to drive with my windows down. My bald, bald head. You're not going to feel it. You're not going to feel the wind on your scalp. Yeah, I think I will. No, you won't. Because that's not your scalp. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. Why are you touching your toe like that? I don't know. Jesus. Well, now I feel bad. No, it's fine. I'm just saying, like, if I ever end up bald, that's going to be unfortunate. I think you're an amazing guy in so many ways. And you're not going to. You won't end up this bald because this is not the person you are. Well, I'm telling you right now, if I'm balding at all, I'm getting rid of my hair. Yeah. No. It's just like, you're, you, it's also, please don't forget, you have a mustache. Is it mustache? You're doing bald and mustache and, like, you're literally doing lovely bones. I am not doing lovely bones. I'm, if anything, Mr. Clean. Can we look up Mr. Clean? He doesn't have a mustache. But, like, the thing about Mr. Clean is, like, what's his whole thing? Like, his whole personality is being bald. No, he's, he's like Howie Mandel. He's like a germaphobe. Oh, I guess I don't think of Howie Mandel as just being bald. Yeah. Can we look up Howie? Like, Mr. Clean is, like, shiny because he, yeah, I guess that is his whole. I feel totally fine with Howie. Yeah, he did. That doesn't affect me negatively at all. No. Oh, look at him with hair. Wow. He looks like a loofah. He looks great. He looks like someone that I know. Um, I know who he looks like. Who? Remember that guy that did, Adam Melcher? Kind of. Oh, I could see that. Do you know that I went to the doctor to chat about my bald symptoms? And I was, I was older than the doctor. That sucks. I remember you talking about that this weekend. Yeah. Yeah. There's just a list of people we should never be older than. I should never be older than a doctor. I don't want to be older than an Apple Genius Bar employee. Do you have this list on your phone? I have a couple. Okay. I don't want to be older than my whitewater rafting guide. No, that sucked. And I don't want to be older than an Olympian. Olympian, I'm totally fine with. I don't want to be older than a professional athlete. I'm totally fine with that. I understand that they're young. The reason I don't want to be older than a professional athlete is because in my mind, I'm like, I still have time to do that. Yeah. I sometimes every once in a while I'll get hit with those TikToks that are like, Tony Morrison wrote her first book. When she was like 50 and then just all these accomplishments that these amazing people made like later in life and they always find me right when I need them. I'll send you one later. That's because your phone is tracking your data. Yeah. I have one more thing to say before we go. Yeah. It's possible it slipped my mind. Really? Yeah. Did you see that the Sprouse Brothers started a podcast or maybe just Cole? I think it's just Dylan. Oh, it's just Dylan. Yeah. I remember what I was going to say. I saw this TikTok that was this girl interviewing these like younger boys. Like, do you think it's possible for a woman to be attractive over 30? And they all said no. Fabulous. And I'll leave you with that. I hope you have a good day and sorry about being so harsh. And I hope that when this comes out, I'm still alive. Me too. But if I'm not like it wasn't meant to be. I hope when this comes out, I'm still alive. I hope I'm not like the bald. Wait, now I'm like horrified that I manifested something bad in the space. Everything is going to be good. I'm going to be fine. And you'll be okay because you have to. I'll be okay because I literally have to be. And I've done things that have, I've done things that have made me feel the same way. I've done so many nerve wracking things and I've come out the other side. I'm stronger than I think I am. I'm stronger than I think I am and I can do hard things and I will do them. And I'm going to have my chomp because my stomach's gurgling. Okay. All right. Thank you guys for listening. Love you. We're going to the bonus. Hope you had fun. I really can't remember what happened today. This cap is pretty tight. It's cutting off the blood flow to my ears and nose and mouth. Throat. Goodbye. Thank you. This week on Close Friends. I look like John Travolta, I think. Top left. James Monroe, 18. Do you mean bottom right when you said top left? Yeah. You have to come back when my parents come to New York. Or you don't have to if you don't want to. Like coming to New York to meet your parents? Yeah, there's just no point. Can you look up Brooke and Connor funny? Brooke and Connor interesting cake. Sign up on TMGstudios.tv to watch the full bonus episode. Welcome back, frickin' frack. Welcome to the jungle. ABC Wednesdays. Abbott is back. It's going to be the best year yet. Thank you. Now we can finally turn this up. And everyone's going wild. Y'all think you run this school, but you don't. It's going great. Abbott Elementary. Anything can happen in the jungle. Right, guys? 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