Earl Spencer's like a bond villain

Hello and welcome to The Weekend Tea with me Michael Deacon and me Poppy Coburn. I think I'm going to have to start off Michael by complaining because last week you were wearing a normal shirt and this week you've gone back to one of your awful shirts. Can you explain why you've decided to do this? Mainly to annoy you. Okay, well you've achieved that quite well. Speaking of headaches, we're going to talk about the Royals again. Back of the knees. Earl Spencer this time. The plot thickens, he's got a new book out. Yes, and basically it's all about his relationship with his sister Diana, the late Princess of Wales and he's made some very controversial claims to do with her former husband. Prince Charles, who is now our king. Some quite extraordinary allegations he's made which obviously the royal household's not very happy about. There was one in particular, one line he claims that after Diana had died, Earl Spencer and Charles had had a blistering row during which, he says, our future king said, rest assured we'll forget her soon enough. Now, I've got to tell you, I find it very hard to believe that Charles said that. I mean, for various reasons. But I'll tell you one, because I know you weren't even born when Diana was killed. I was not. But I remember that was like I was 16 years old at the time. I can tell you, the news was wall-to-wall Diana for weeks. Honestly, if scientists had found a cure for cancer, it would have been a nib on page 34. Okay, it was Diana, Diana, Diana. I've never known a news story so utterly dominate the national conversation and the news agenda. I don't believe for a second that anyone in the country at that time, let alone her former husband, would have said, oh, we'll forget her soon enough. Because at the time it felt like we will never forget it. We will never speak about anything else. There will never be any other news again. It is just all Diana. So it just doesn't sound like something that anybody would say, let alone Charles. Well, particularly to Diana's brother. Why would you speak like a Bond villain to your wife's brother? It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense at all. When everyone is grieving. Exactly. Everyone's in shock. It's the mother of your children. He's died in the most horrific possible way. And we're supposed to believe. I mean, it's just so tawdry, isn't it? It's just, it's very, very difficult to believe. And even if we are supposed to take him at face value, why on earth would you share this with the nation now? And another claim that Earl Spencer has made is that when news broke and he and Charles spoke on the phone, he claims that Charles sounded, and these are his words, giddily elated. And again, I find that hard to believe. And I mean, even if that's how he sounded to Earl Spencer, it makes me think of, you know, sometimes people will laugh at a funeral during a funeral. Now, that's not because they think funerals are hilarious or they're laughing about someone dying. It's because people can become hysterical in those moments, you know, and they're overwhelmed by the horror of what's happened or their grief or whatever. And so they let out a laugh. So if he sounded elated, which I frankly doubt, I don't think he was elated. I just think this is conspiracy bait. I think it's the sort of thing where, you know, it's going to add on the news agenda. You know, it's going to get people talking about you. It's going to get your book sales up. It's a way to sell a book, isn't it? The Americans are going to love it because obviously they've got all the conspiracies about the royal family. They love the royal soap opera. That's what they like. Incredibly disrespectful to the king. But I mean, speaking of American soap operas, our favourite royal couple who are now back in the UK. And this is another slightly difficult to, if not believe, at least comprehend story, which is about the most serious, issues by calls their school run. Yes. Now they say they're back in Britain. They signed their children up for to go to school there. And then after two days, just two days of term, they have withdrawn their children from that school. Very surprising. They say it's nothing to the quality school. Excellent school. No problem there. No problem with anybody at that school. But here's what it says in our report here. A critical factor in the decision to withdraw their children was the distance between the school and the property in which the family is staying. Now, hang on a minute. This is not something they thought to check beforehand. I mean, normally when you put your child's name down for a school, you at least take a moment to find out where the school is. How near is it? I mean, you know, on your children's first day at school, I mean, it's stressful enough. But you don't want to sort of get in your car, tap in the post, go to the school and go, hang on a minute. It's in Dundee. I mean, unless you live in Dundee, of course. But I don't believe that Harry and Meghan do. So, yeah, this seems a little bit of a screw up. A little bit of royal gossip from Hannah Furness, our Telegraph colleague, who was telling me this week that apparently when they had gamed out the school run to try and figure out the security concerns that would be inherent. Because obviously they want the convoy of cars to protect them and their children when they're doing the school run because they're very important people. They did it during the school holidays. So in the summertime, apparently in the middle of the day when there wouldn't be any traffic. So, again, it's this idea of, OK, see. You're spending all of this money on security. You put so much thought into your big move back to the UK that you haven't bothered to do something that I think any old pleb, normal person, the first thing you check is, oh, yeah, there's going to be traffic during school hours because that's the most basic thing in the world, is it not? And apparently they were very concerned about the school traffic because they'd be, quote, sitting dust, the cars. And it sounds a little bit like an excuse of not wanting to be stuck in traffic. I mean, it is pretty horrific. I'm not quite sure I buy the argument that it's a high security concern that they keep pushing, though. OK. Well, there's another very controversial story taking place in the English countryside this week, and that is to do with Piddington. The village of Piddington in Oxfordshire is up in arms because there's only about 300 people living in that village. It's a very tiny, pretty, picturesque place. And the government wants to place a migrant camp there containing 1,250 male asylum seekers. And the local people aren't very happy. They're not very happy about that. You shock me. So this week they actually held a vote, a referendum, which is not legally binding. We've heard that before. But anyway, not legally binding, genuinely not this time. But it's a symbolic vote where they said, do we want Piddington to leave the United Kingdom in protest at this migrant camp? And I think 92% of villagers voted yes, we want to leave. We're so unhappy. So, yes, I'm afraid, yes, the Home Office has really whined out these people. They're not happy with Andy. Burnham's idea of spreading all of the asylum seekers equally around the country, including in middle class areas. They are not taken with this idea. This is a really wonderful, like, state of the nation modern story, isn't it? I mean, every single aspect about this story is just absolutely unbelievable. For one, I did enjoy the morning of the referendum. The good people of Piddington sent out their representative, who is an impeccably done up lady. Blonde hair, blown out, wearing a very sophisticated suit. I think she's been waiting for this moment her entire life. She gave a. A really wonderful speech announcing their stated desire to be independent of the United Kingdom. But there's so much about this story that is just unbelievable. I mean, for one, Andy Burnham and Angela Rayner think this is completely acceptable because it's about people taking their fair share. And obviously, we know that the hotels that have been opened up in the country now for six years, they have predominantly been in poor areas. That's just because it's cheaper to buy up space in these areas. You know, it costs the Home Office less money, so you usually would do a value for money thing. And in a way, that's not fair. But I think when people were protesting in Rotherham to close down the asylum hotel, they weren't saying, let's dump them in Oxfordshire, see how they like it. They were saying, let's close the asylum hotel and remove the people inside, not just move them throughout the country. So that's one aspect. The other thing have been the really incredible safety measures that have been put in place. Not obviously for the people in Piddington. The government doesn't care about them, but for the asylum seekers themselves. So they're going to have to wear. They're going to have to wear high vis jackets because obviously rural Oxfordshire, lots of dark roads. Maybe you're not going to have the lights out in the street. They're apparently running out of funding, so they can't apparently pay for streetlights. Sorry, we can't afford any street lighting for you. We spent all the money importing 1250 men, foreign men into your village. Right. It would take, you know, poor Lib Dems, the poor Lib Dems, it's obviously now a Lib Dem constituency. And you just think, well, if a general election does come soon, that's one seat that they're not holding on to. Well, it's just a year ago. The Lib Dem local MP signed an open letter in which which he said that the letters in solidarity with people seeking asylum said Oxford and Oxfordshire are proud of their traditions of welcome. We ask everyone in Oxfordshire to uphold our values of dignity, humanity and neighbourliness. And of course, he spent the last few months frantically campaigning against this migrant camp, trying to get it put somewhere else, anywhere else except his constituency. So that is delicious. But I will say there is hope yet for the people. For the people of Fiddington, because and this is a great Telegraph scoop. It is possible that the migrant camp won't be able to open because there may be newts and bats present. And this is the thing, you know, we have very strict planning laws in this country. You can't build anything within about five miles of a newt. But I think it tells you something about the nature of Britain today, which is basically the concerns of local people, the interests of local people. They don't matter to the powers that be. Oh, the interests and concerns of newts and bats, oh dear, well goodness no we can't upset them yeah we can't have a migrant you know i'm visualizing something here michael there's like a pyramid of oppression so at the very bottom there are middle-class english people you're right at the bottom of the table we don't care about you and then of course um you know people seeking refuge or i think the politically correct term is people on the move so they will cut our asylum seekers above them but at the very top of the pyramid the most oppressed group in british society today bats and newts bats and newts there you go so that that that helps understand how to navigate modern britain we should hand that out in schools actually know your place britains well i i there's actually there's actually someone who's a little bit more oppressed than bats and newts and that is of course uh famous rappers who support uh the people of gaza because uh white rappers white rappers indeed white western rappers because this is the big story in celebrityville this week a rapper called macklemore was the support act on ed sheeran's big tour of north america but uh he's been kicked off it because he made some controversial comments during shows related to palestine he's you know he's ranting away about free palestine and all the rest of it some people took exception to that he's been kicked off but now there's a big backlash against poor old ed sheeran whose tour it is um because the support actors has lost his place and you know all the free palestine people are demanding that ed sheeran also you know shouts free palestine or you know well he's at risk of getting cancelled it's all it's all it's all it's all a horrible route if it makes me feel a bit sorry for him even though i'm not a fan but i'm a bit puzzled because okay i know i know the free palestine lot are all very fanatical but but normal people is this what normal people want when they go to a pop concert don't you know you're paying hundreds of pounds to go and see ed sheeran don't you just want to hear music you don't want to hear a pop star lecturing you about geopolitical affairs i mean you know are there people out there saying well okay i'm happy to pay 500 pounds a head to go and see oasis next year but only if liam spends half the set half the set telling us his views on the sudani civil war okay i don't want to hear wonderwall i don't want to hear cigarettes and alcohol i want to hear bonehead share his views on iran i i have to ask the question of if you buy tickets to an ed sheeran concert do you want to hear macklemore i mean he had one song do you remember i'm gonna pop some tags and he got 20 dollars in my pocket i know none of his songs i mean he probably only has 20 dollars in his pocket now he's been cancelled well there you go musical act in the country it does feel like everyone has been piling on ed sheeran and you know i think he made a good point which is i don't think he made the decision to get rid of him it was no it was the company who was hosting the promoter i think isn't it yeah and the idea that ed sheeran it has to be completely up to date with you know developments on the iranian peninsula and what's been happening in gaza and ed sheeran what do you think about the houthis attack on uh qatar oh oh he doesn't have an opinion because he's a pop star right but but but you're completely right this is now part and parcel of it i mean um another very big pop star for my generation is olivia rodrigo she recently did a big concert series which was i think she sang less than she talked about social issues right i mean it's almost part and parcel of you having to go there so you're on your phone oh okay she's talking about reproductive rights again oh now she's going to sing a song brilliant oh she's back to the report okay i'll go back on my phone it does seem to be what's expected now certainly i mean there was um i mean this is the maddest moment of the week for me there's uh paloma faith london-born pop star um she was interviewed on channel four news this week about the ed sheeran row and she said yeah pop stars like ed sheeran they need to be they need to be more political she's very pro-palestine in fact she said and i quote here she genuinely said this with a straight face she said i say free palestine to my children every night now i've got to say she is the mother of three children one of them is age nine one of them is age five and the third child is a six month old baby boy she she saying free palestine to a six month old baby i mean i mean most kids first words are either mama or dada his are going to be globalized the intifada you know again most parents i've got to say from my own experience you're tucking your kids up at night you say something like sleep well don't let the bed bugs bite you don't give them a lecture on the evils of zionism whenever these um pop stars start talking about how it's so important to have politics i always want someone to turn around and say i completely agree with you that's why i'm such a big fan of morrissey because he should be allowed to say what he thinks about the state of politics in britain they're not so keen on him funny yeah funny i don't know why anyway still to come how sadiq khan brilliantly mocked zach polanski and while sydney sweeney's very sexy advert caused a huge controversy this week okay i'm about to tell you something very very weird so stay with me right this is a story from america and it's about the fbi now the fbi has very strict rules um about who it will hire because obviously there are various things you know they obviously can't hire someone who's a threat to national security can't hire someone who's you know linked to terrorism any of that sort of thing political extremism they've got to be very careful but there's also a rule that says the fbi cannot hire anyone who has engaged in terrorism and they've got to be very careful because there's bestiality now you might think well that's a very sensible rule but also should go without saying really don't really want to hire someone who's into bestiality for any job at all let alone as a federal agent but nonetheless this was a rule for fbi recruitment policy until now because for reasons i cannot understand they have deleted that rule the fbi director um has said that this week and he gave a press conference where i have to say people are asking him why have you done this it became no clearer to me all i can think is the fbi must be getting an awful lot of applications from job candidates who are otherwise perfect for the role they would make fantastic law enforcement officers except for one very small blemish on their cv i think that this honestly that he's a wonderful guy but there is this photo of him with a sheep the devil in this story is really with the detail because when kash patel he had to defend this um interesting hiring change in front of a senate committee and um a republican fan uh of kash patel he's usually been quite friendly with him he's um you know rfk in one of the kennedys did ask him well you say it's for people who are victims of bestiality should be allowed to work in the fbi and he did ask the question i think is on everyone's mind which is aren't the victims of bestiality the animals yeah i've never heard people being hired i've never heard of a sheep doing it to a man what does that even mean how does that even happen how are you accidentally a victim of bestiality i don't know there are these predatory farm animals sort of stalking the country and jumping out on the real facts innocent innocent men at night yeah exactly like you know whom among us hasn't accidentally been a victim of bestiality and that shouldn't stop you from achieving your dream working in the fbi rightly so although i think you know maybe it suggests that you haven't got the best uh you know law enforcement senses around you you would expect that you're you're keeping an eye out you're aware of your situation if you can be taken unawares by an animal maybe you're just not cut out for the job no and presumably donald trump has approved this change which i'd say surprised me a bit because i remember when donald trump once declared that his all-time favorite book is the bible i'm sure that a committed christian like him will be well aware that the bible tells us thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox especially not if you're going to do that to it oh i love the americans they keep us young they keep us young well we're gonna have to stick back to uk politics now um although i suppose in zach polanski's mind it's not uk politics that animates him it's world politics you of course have seen the clip of him campaigning he's going to be the new green party candidate in the holborn and st panchris by-election and he released a video no doubt to wind people like you and i up speaking in urdu miranam zach polanski holborn and st panchris holborn and st panchris greens k pressure say labor nay entirely in urdu yes yes he's not a native speaker of that language but these presumably are his target voters urdu of course is the national language of pakistan and he's decided he's going to campaign this it's actually new a new technique for the greens this we know in the gorton by-election in february this year um the greens were campaigning with leaflets written entirely in urdu and well it did them no harm did it because they won that by-election but it makes a lot of people feel a little bit uncomfortable about it it does indeed but someone who i think is feeling particularly uncomfortable about the green party's decision to campaign in urdi is probably zach polanski himself because and i'm never ever going to say this again he got epically trolled by sadiq kham so my question is would you be prepared to say no to a data center if it's secured uh if it didn't secure clean water and energy supply was islamicum islamicum well i thought you that as the members so that was good pronunciation in urdu i would uh speak in uh urdu i was worried the question may be urdu and for those for those for those for those or the speakers i apologize if i spoke with a russian accent i mean he really was out of that didn't he that the comedic timing on that is just absolutely fantastic we don't normally give sadiq khan a lot of credit for his banter i think for his comedy skills But that was very, very good. Just to reply to a question in English entirely with a completely straight face. No, perfectly well, Zach Polanski hasn't got a clue what you're saying. All he did in his campaign video was read out a script written for him by someone else. I thought, yes, that was that was very beautiful. It really makes me think of the Henry Kissinger quote, why can't both sides lose? Why can't both sides lose in this particular debate? But you know what? Credit to Sadiq Khan. You made me laugh. There is one other thing I want to want to add on this subject. I wrote my column about Zach Polanski's Urdu video this week. And I got a brilliant comment from a reader who said, isn't Urdu what a scouse woman gets from the hairdressers? Brilliant. This guy's going to take over your column. Yeah, should he? Sydney Sweeney. Sydney Sweeney. What comes into your mind quickly? Don't think when I say Sydney Sweeney. I'd better not tell you or HR will be investigating. That's exactly what I expected. But apparently Sydney Sweeney is not just allowed to be a very attractive woman. He's quite well endowed. She also has to be aware of sensitive feminist issues. She released an advert this week, which is her with no clothes on, but with some tastefully arranged sporting equipment. Some American footballs in one instance, covering up her lady parts. And this is for a sports betting company. Obviously, big advert of Sydney Sweeney. Sydney Sweeney, almost entirely naked, has got people talking, but it's upset a lot of female athletes for reasons I can't entirely understand. No, they seem to think that the advert is demeaning of women's sports, but it's got nothing to do with women's sports. It's really got nothing to do with women's sports. It's a sports betting firm. And I think we can see who the target customer is here because men overwhelmingly are more likely to be into betting than women. And also more likely to be into looking at Sydney Sweeney with her clothes off. So it's not complicated. You can see. You can see how this advert is supposed to work, but it's got nothing to do with women's sports at all. And I'm also surprised to see so many feminist commentators criticizing this advert because I think whatever happened to my body, my choice. Indeed. That is the mantra for women. You know, if a woman is entitled to do whatever she wishes with her body and no one else is allowed to criticize it. Well, doesn't that apply to women who would like to take their clothes off for a sports betting firm advert? I don't know. Whatever happened to sex work is work. Well, I mean, if that's work, surely taking your clothes off for an advert. Sexy work. Sex work is work. Sex work. There you are. Why not? I do think the response that some of these female athletes went with didn't really help their case because I was looking at some of the videos that people have been putting out on social media. You know, it's that classic awful style that people like to do on Instagram Reels, which is they are making a serious face and I'm crossing my arms. So you know that I'm talking about a serious subject. But then they would be like, this is what a female sportswoman looks like. And then they were taking their own clothes off and showing you what their body looks like. I was like, hang on now. I mean, I think the men are having a wonderful day. Fantastic. All these female volleyball players are taking their clothes off and say, Sydney Sweeney, this is what a sportswoman really looks like. I mean, it's a fantastic time to be a man. But I'm not really sure it helps their case that they should be taken completely seriously. And they're just going about their job if they're also showing off their lady parts. But there you go. Maybe I'm a bad woman. Maybe I'm a bad feminist. Thank you, Sydney. What a woman. As we can see. Fantastic businesswoman. As we can see. Heading back to the British countryside. And quite a strange story. So Luz has decided that it's going to recognise the right of trees. And it's put out this quite strange. The rights of trees? The rights of trees, yes. Well, the human rights of trees. Yes, the human rights of trees. Right. Yes. They've put out quite a strange statement with kind of gothic lettering. Being like, I pledge to recognise the right, the ancient and inalienable rights of a tree to be a tree. I assume it's so they can't cut them down and maybe build a new asylum seeker on top of them. But the reason I think this story. The reason this story is quite interesting is that it speaks to something quite odd that's happening in the English countryside, which is, is everyone quietly becoming pagan without us realising? Well, are they? I think so. We've not seen any of this sort of thing in Gravesend, I can tell you that. I think Kent is safe for now. What's going on in the countryside? The reason I say this is I had a conversation with a friend of mine who lives in rural Cambridgeshire. And they were talking about this new festival that the town has brought back. And it's kind of an ancient Anglo-Saxon festival that has kind of gone by the way by since the Industrial Revolution. And they're bringing it back. And she was describing it. And I was like, are you sure that's not just the wicker man? That seems a lot like the plot of the film, The Wicker Man. Do you put a person inside? No, no, no. So we just build this big man made out of hay, and then we burn him in a harvest ritual to allow the kind of environmental bounties that will come throughout the year. And I was like, okay, you burn a man. Is there a man inside the man? Not yet. Not yet? Something quite strange is happening to our country people. I can only assume it's some kind of. It's some kind of weird situation that comes from being separated from the cities in some way. They're just quietly going absolutely bonkers. Or they're so angry about Piddington. They're thinking, we've got to deter the Home Office from putting anyone here. We're going to start burning wicker men, that sort of thing. Well, please, Weekend Tea listeners, if you're living in the countryside and you're bringing back some kind of ancient pagan festivals, please do get in touch and tell us why you're doing this. And also warn me if I'm traveling near your town, because I don't really want to have to be a harvest sacrifice. I'm Tea Metropolitan for that. Ideally. Ideally, yes. There you go. Well, let's go to a cultural issue now, to finish up. Is taking the bins out still a boy job? Michael, you're old-fashioned. Yes. You must be taking the bins out. I'm very old. I'm just old, full stop. Yes, I do take the bins out. Yes. Why do you take the bins out? Why do you have to do that? Well, I've got to do something. Well, apparently Gen Z people think that taking the bins out is a job that should be less to man. And I can understand why. But again, I think I'm not representative of my generation. Because I usually take the bins out. I take the bins out now in I-flat. Because I wake up earlier in the morning. I had to take the bins out today. What was your boyfriend up to? He was asleep. He was asleep. I mean, sometimes we do it together. I'll hold up a second bin so it doesn't leak. And he'll put the other bin into the bin. And this would be our kind of equal opportunities feminist household. Right. Do you do all the housework? No. Including the bins? No, no. So we've kind of swapped over. So what will happen is usually, again, I'm working late in the office. And I'll come home. And there'll be a lovely home-cooked meal on the table that's been made for me. And the kitchen has been cleaned. And he's standing there in his apron. And he's like, welcome home. And I'm like, oh, God, another long day of work. You know, where's my whiskey? Where's my cigar? How can I unwind after my difficult day in the office? So we've kind of swapped over gender roles. Wow. We've kept the gender roles. But we're just in the wrong position. That's very, very modern. That's wonderful. I think I've got the wrong end of the stick, actually. I think I'd prefer to be cooking and cleaning and not doing the bins. Maybe. It is a boy job. Well, I will tell you a fact here. Let's see what you think about this. About five years ago, there was a really interesting study, OK, which I wrote about at the time, which is that husbands who refuse to do any housework at all and leave it all to their wives tend to earn higher salaries than men who do their fair share. Now, of course, there was a lot of uproar from women when they read this, you know, horrible sexism and all the rest of it. I'm thinking, actually, wives, for the sake of the household finances, should be telling their husbands to put their feet up because, hey, men who don't do any housework get paid more. Well, great. You'll get it. You'll get that promotion. So sit down. I'll do the bins. I'll do the washing up. I'll do the clothes. All the rest of it. You sit there in front of Sky Sports all day and bring home that pay rise. Yeah. Would you like a massage so you can bring home that promotion that we so definitely need? I hope the women of Britain are listening to that. I must remember to mention it to my wife. See how it goes down. Good luck. Well, if Michael is still alive next week, you'll be watching The Weekend Tea. We'll be right back.