E9 | Why AuDHD feels like living with two brains

Hello, before we jump into this episode, we just wanted to acknowledge that it's neurodiversity celebration week. This is a week to recognize, support and celebrate the estimated one in seven people who think, learn and process the world differently. Neurodiversity is the idea that brain differences are natural and part of human diversity. It includes autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, Tourette's and more. Different minds all have value. Did you know that 15% of Kiwis are neurodivergent? One in five students in New Zealand schools in neurodivergent and 13% of New Zealand employees identify as neurodivergent. Inclusion matters in schools, workplaces and in every day life. One of our favorite quotes is by Harvey Bloom, a journalist and early advocate for neurodiversity, helping popularize the term in the late 1990s. His work emphasized that brain differences are natural and valuable, not deficits. The quote goes, "Neurodiversity may be every bit as crucial for the human race as biodiversity is for life in general." It's important and easy to be an ally. All you're going to do is listen and realize that everyone's experience is different, adapt, like flexible work hours or helping everyone out in the way that they need. Respect, respect stemming, communication styles and needs, and advocate, speak up for the inclusion and accessibility because small changes can make a massive impact. We really wanted to highlight neurodiversity celebration week because it's the one week of the year that we can scream from the rooftops that we're just as valuable and important as every other human on the earth. Now let's jump into the episode. Hello and welcome back to WTF is Audi HD with Sisters Ellie in Page. We were diagnosed late. And we're here to educate. Yeah. We were diagnosed late with autism and ADHD, which is Audi HD. And this podcast is basically trying to add to the research pool about what the effort actually is and how it manifests and how it's different from just autism, just ADHD. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We've got Reggie joining us. I can't for the podcast listeners. Make kitty care. If you're watching on YouTube, you'll be able to see the kitty right now. Where do you want to go? I love you. Yes, I do. Does anyone else make up songs and voices for their pets or is that just us? No, it's definitely a universal thing. If you don't then like be banished. Do you reckon it's a neurodivergent thing? More so. Probably possibly more so. I don't know. Yeah, I know. Here we are. We're breaking the big barriers. We're revealing the research that we've had in our life living with this condition. Last episode we talked a bit about what ADHD was. It was pretty pretty servicel pretty vague and it was mainly our experiences with certain things like friendships and stuff. But this episode we're going to be talking about the contradictions of ADHD. Why can be such a hell scape to live with internally? Because they can be almost contradictory conditions. That's how it feels anyway. It feels like you've got two brains in your brain constantly fighting against each other. That's what I said to my psychologist who diagnosed with autism. And she said to me, Ellie, did you read that somewhere or did you just say that? And I was like, I actually just said that. And she was like, that is one of the most common occurrences that we find with people with ADHD. That it feels like you've got two brains fighting against each other. And I think also being a high-masking woman can make things even worse because we internalise it again generally. This is not just all women are not just no men, but we are just more common. Yeah, internalise it heavily. And then we appear like we're absolutely fine and when you're at typical because we don't look autistic, we don't look ADHD. So yeah, they look pretty normal. Which when we say look, by the way, that's just how what people say. It's not an okay term. Yeah, because what does it look like? What do you mean? What do you mean? But someone when people say like, oh, you don't look autistic. Sorry, pardon? That's like offensive. What do you mean? Yeah, it's autistic. Like, what do you mean? Like, what? Like, actually, it's not. Excited to me. Okay, anyway, so the super sorry, as we said, we're going to be talking more about the contradictions of the two in the brains. Now, we'll show you something with what you said before page. You were just speaking off camera off mine about one of your big contradictions or one of the reasons that you might appear all good, but what's actually quite stressful for you every single day. Insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry. Had like half a bar of chocolate before I jumped on this. So, yeah, I'm very sensitive to sugar and I will be like, you can go crazy until I get tired. Yeah, I'm not sure if I can do that. Up or down. Like, it's extreme. It's one of the other. Yeah. I was talking about how I find it hard or exhausting just doing normal, I guess daily tasks like brushing my teeth. Or you know, like, showering and washing my hair like, oh my god, it is exhausting. This is worse back in the day before I knew and for us diagnosing. I mean, a cat of my ADHD. It's gotten better now. But. Find out stuff very exhausting. But then what forces me and pushes me to do it is if I don't show and wash my hair. Or brush my teeth. The sensory nightmare for me is awful. And like, it's I can just feel the egg. And so that's what I guess drives me to then go do that stuff. Yeah. And then I guess as well, the fear of being perceived and yelling and having greasy hair. But that's what I'll say is like I actually find that stuff very tiring and overwhelming. Yeah. But I have to do it because the sensory side. Yeah. So like I guess you could even say like, is that sometimes is there actually sometimes an advantage to having both? Because one kind of pushes the other. It can be a good thing. Well, you're the master. It's a bad thing because you each one masks each other. Therefore you suck in the middle. Yeah. Stuck in the middle with you. That's so off. Okay. Oh my god. That song. You know that song. Yeah. No, what is it? Yeah, I don't know now. It's really. Oh, it's really pissed me off. What song is that? I said, I'm just trying. Oh. All right. Let's give the people some actual content. Sorry guys. No. So a lot of the time, a lot of contradictions with the old autism and ADHD. The first one might be this is the thing as well. Like we said before, audio HD is very different from just autism and just ADHD. So for example, when it comes to attention, just like attention regulation, like EG us trying to just sing songs during a podcast, ADHD is probably more easily distracted and hyperfixates on certain things for a limited amount of time and then goes through cycles where they're like, I love this and then I love that and then I love this and then I love that. Are you explaining my life right now? Yes. Because that is crazy stuff. Yeah, crazy. So then there's autism who often, generally, they have longer term hyperfixations, like long term special interest and they're quite like they know everything about that one thing and it goes over a period of years. Maybe the whole lifetime. So that's different from the constantly changing, but then when you've got an ADHD, you can have a hyperfixation on something long term, but then get distracted by external stimuli. So even though you love that special interest, you can't always fulfill it because you're getting distracted or going away from it due to another. Don't mean seeking behavior or stimulation in your environment. Do you find that? Oh, cheers for the song. Well, I find that like I have clear special interests like I love Formula One or like I love I've always loved people. I always want to research it, but then my ADHD and executive function actually stops me from getting a mercenate fully sometimes. It's really confusing. So sometimes I'll go really fixated on something and they're not, but then my interests are long term, but I'll kind of fixate on them. Like different times in my life. Do you know what I mean? So it's like a long term interest, but I only fixate on it every now and then. Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel like that's my manifesto. Whereas autistic people more so long term constantly. ADHD will more so different, different, different. Okay. You know, I can see a great example for me. Yeah, go. Okay. So obviously I used to have the dicks. So that's not count that because I was like, I went to training and I was like kept countable. But as an adult, who says adult adult, I don't know why they said it. Everyone sees adult. I know about the real one is. Um, I love gymming and physical activity. I guess this also comes back to like the routine thing that it's like I always want to go to the gym. I'll stick it up for like a week because I would say that's like, my special. I don't know. I love. No, you've always been kind of obsessed with like, um, yeah, why mechanics and physical activity and like the body and keeping it. But yeah, yeah, no, I have actually. And yeah, I was about to get on another tangent about what I said that you need, but let's just stay on track. Um, um, I lost my flow there. You've got a long term interest in that. But, um, and so I'll stick it to it for like a week. And but oh my god, it's just like amazing. And I'll be obsessive over it. And I'll like, you know, I'll be just doing everything with it and just doing all of this. And then it's just great chat really. So I, and then, and then, um, yeah, I'll just fall off the wagon for like a month or two or three. Yeah. And sometimes it'd be six months and you look back and go, oh, I used to go to the gym every week. And now I've just forgotten that I even started that like it's actually an object permanent thing to where I go, I will create a routine for a bit. And then I won't even realize I've fallen out of it. Yeah. Until like maybe a month later where I go, wait, I was like, go into the gym like every three days about the guy. Now for the last six weeks I haven't done it. Like what? No, I see what you mean now. I think I struggled to like think of examples of my life because it's your life because it's my life and it's so normal for me. Like I've dealt with it for so long but but then when you say that and I really try and extract it like then I'm like, oh yeah. Yeah, we're just like it's just volatile like it's nothing's ever consistent or like longstanding. No, when I hate it and I hate it too because I wish it was. Yeah, it's real frustrating. It's so frustrating because the autistic side of me does want that routine and that predictability and that special interest that stays with me forever and I keep looking into but the ADHD side of it stops me from it and then it's stressful. Yeah. A really stressful. Yeah. Yeah. Another thing that can be common with ADHD, ADHD and autism is the social interaction thing. So like ADHD you might enjoy elements of socializing and getting dopamine from activities you do with people or conversations you have with people. You might be really impulsive and talkative and outgoing and stuff but then the autistic experience of that can be confusing and not liking social interactions because they're not clear or it's unpredictable. I think that's going to be the biggest confusion for me in my life. Yeah. You're so sure. Yeah. And then like you the contradiction of it. Yeah. And the small talk that you want, you don't want but then you do want to connect with them but then you don't know how to connect with them. Yeah. And then I think the ADHD experience like you're explaining becomes confusing because you do want to be impulsive and talkative with other friends but then you also don't want all of the over simulation that comes with it and the confusing social rules that you have to adhere to. Yeah. And the fear of being perceived that plays into it. So before like a social gathering, I overthink that if out of it and like what will happen, how I'll say things, I will come up with a script prior. Like what I'll talk about. Okay, what have you been up to? What questions are you going to ask them? Like um and so that in itself is such an anxiety and if I don't feel prepared enough, I'll probably just bail because but then I had sucks because I don't want to bail. I actually enjoy you want to be there. I want to be there. I want to be part of it. I want to get the invite. I want to be with my friends. I want to connect with people but the other side of me is just constantly on one stress. Yeah. And then on top of that, it's all the logistics around like getting there. The parking situation. Yeah. Like the temperature is hot there? Is there shelter there? Yeah. Is it inside or outside? Yeah. Who's going to be there that I might know or haven't seen in a while? Oh my god. Am I going to see anyone I kind of know and like and I'm not prepared to see and therefore don't have a script and mask ready to see that person? Yeah. It's actually so weird. But then honestly, I don't think many people would even know that about you if they saw you in that social situation. They go, oh, hey, just quite friendly and funny. Like she's quite out there. And I do think that some people would perceive you as not struggling as much as you are. No, yeah. I feel like it's written all over my face. Like I feel like everyone can see me and I'm naked. That's how it feels. I don't think it is though. I think yeah, she do a weird quite a good job at pretending you're okay. And I think women are generally more skilled in doing that because often we have to put our needs second especially when mothers we learn to put our needs second. Yeah. As a mum. I'm not a mum, but I think that's probably true. And so we're quite good at just hiding and masking. But also we see our mums put themselves second. Yeah. Our entire lives. Yeah. But that's probably sounds hectic. But it is a general generally. It's kind of true. Yeah. They put their lives on hold to bring their kids up. Yeah. The father's life doesn't change. I mean, it does change. And this don't come for me. But they in terms of like being out of carry on their career, they carry on with their career. Mums put everything on hold. And so we see our mums doing that. So maybe like from such a young age, we're kind of just like subliminally and subconsciously learn that, okay, I come second. I come second. Yeah. Yeah. It's a female. Yeah. It's a female. So yeah, social confusion. You want it, but you don't know how to do it. Yeah. And that's a huge like contradiction of audio. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And that was one of the one thing where I scored on my autism, autism screening on all like both the tears like so high on the social masking. And social yeah, just yeah, the social side was compensating. Compensating. Yeah. And I think that's why like as well, like after like seeing someone in a social situation or going to a social event, I'm like absolutely exhausted for like hours if not like a whole day. And there's like that taken to account too. Like is the, is it going to be worth it? Like to the ROI for this catch up. The return on investment. The return on investment with how I'm going to be feeling after this. Yeah. That's so stink because like yeah. And because it's an unknown situation, you might walk away from that situation going, oh, that was so worth it. Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I went. But before you go, you can't guarantee that. And so it's a risk that you're taking. Yeah. So it's like, is it going to be worth it? I guess I just have to take the risk today. And you don't know what you're stepping into. You don't know how it's going to pan out. And yeah, that's stressful. Yeah, exactly. I actually find like sometimes in my car like on the rate of work maybe, I will be pumping some sort of music or a podcast or something and I'll be stimulating myself for whatever without fail. And I don't even realize I do it every time I drive home from work. I am sitting in silence. The radio is off. I haven't even thought about turning it on. And I'm just associated, not thinking just driving. And I get like nearly home and I'm like, oh my gosh, I haven't listened to anything. I have I've literally been dissociated. And it's from me being at work for eight hours and having to deal with like people and the demands of it. No, I can't have music on when I go home because it's actually going to over stimulate me. Oh my god, I relate to that so hard. I get like 20 minutes down the road like and I it's almost like I come back to when I go, oh my god, have I been driving this whole time? Have I done anything wrong? But you're on auto pilot that you are fine. Yeah. And if, you know, someone swerves your instincts, but kick in. Yeah. But like you kind of kind of come out of that dissociation and you go, oh my god, I have not what the fuck. Yeah, it's very, very confusing. One of the other contradictions or situations that we deal with, and this one's quite a big one for me. And I think you as well, is routine and structure. So people with ADHD don't really want routine. Like generally they enjoy the spontaneity of things. They like to be impulsive. They don't want to plan. They just want to go with that. They want to go with life. And sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes I do. Yeah. Autistic people more so need it to be the same. They need it to be predictable. They need to know what they're going into. They like having a weekly routine because they know on a Monday, that's where they need to be at this time. And I also appreciate that and enjoy that. Audi HD, this is the biggest anomaly I find for me is that I need and crave routine and structure, but I cannot stick to it or even create it. Yeah. And if it's created for me, I can follow it for a certain amount of time. And then over time I get bored and burnt out and I can no longer uphold it. And I find it very stressful. My mental health goes. Yeah. So like I said in the last episode, I want to work from home so I can predict my environment and have it all perfect for me. But then I let motivation and need simulation. And then I go into an office and then it's all too much and I want to go about home again. And so I can never find the perfect medium when it comes to routine and structure. Now I feel that I've got a great example to add to that when say if I am trying to catch up with friends or okay someone says to me, hey, I literally just happened yesterday actually. Hey, we're down at the pub. Come for a drink. Oh, too so not prepared. Not prepared. Oh my gosh, me too. I can't just want to play like thank you. Thank you for the invite. I would actually in an idea would love to come. But oh my god, overwhelmed. And there's just too many things to think about. So no, I can't. Yeah. Too late. Too late. Late. Late. In advance. Too late. Planning. If someone says to me, hey page in two weeks time, do you want to go out for coffee on a Tuesday morning? I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to be doing on Tuesday morning. I don't know how I'm going to be feeling. I don't want to be locked in. And so I bet that she want to have a huge like a huge struggle for me as I, me too. Too late. Planning. No, no, no, no. Too far in advance planning. No, no, no. What the f*ck? What's the opinion? What is it with that? Like what are you doing? I don't know how to combat that. Oh my god, that is a huge struggle of my life. Yeah, same. Like what is it? I don't know. I think like, because it's like my ADHD wants to keep that day open in case you know I'm not feeling it. I want to do something else. And it's spontaneous. Yeah. And then but then my autism's like no, you probably do need to know that to be extrovert in advance. And so you end up in this horrible middle man, like middle low man's land. Yeah. And it's really confusing. Yeah. So then I never catch up with anyone. No, neither. Neither. Neither. But it sucks because I want to. And then I don't want to lose friends, but I do lose friends because people don't understand. Yeah. Exactly. Another thing in terms of routine and structure, it's not just about like your timetable and getting up at this time. It's to do with even like systems and processes within your life. So like your draws for example, like your wooddrobe. Okay, so if you look into my house or page of the house, it looks, it looks okay. It's nice. It's not like tidy, tidy and pristine, but it's like clean and it's like reasonably tidy. And there's some order to it and you'd walk in and go, oh yeah, this is quite a nice area. Like aesthetically, externally. Yeah, that's nice. That's nice. But if you open any of our draws, wood roads, cupboards, box, anything. You will see the stark opposite of what our house looks like. And that to me and us is a massive analogy and a perfect reflection of what's going on in our lives. We look like we're together, but inside it is a mess. Even the files on my computer are a mess. There's no structure to them. And it makes me stressed constantly because I go to my wood drove and I find it hard to dress myself anyway and choose an outfit. And then I open it and it's just info everywhere, too many things, over simulated. I don't know what I want. And I wish I could just tidy it. And sometimes I'll find the strength to tidy my wood drove once every three years but then get halfway and then run out of energy. Either that or run out of energy and not finish it or I get to the end, but then and I go, I'm gonna keep it this tidy forever. This is a new me. But you believe it. You believe it? Oh my God, I turn you to leaf. This is a new me. Oh my God. And then, so turn you over to leave it. Yeah, I blink and my wood drove me see again and I'm like, "No, you blink. You blink and you're like, how did that happen?" What happened? Someone's coming in and ruined my wood drive. Oh, buddy, tidy. Please get it in there. (laughing) No, yeah, someone's coming in and buddy ruined my wood drive. But really, you just, probably dissociated because you're stressed and I'm well under then just let it happen one by one, T-shirt by T-shirt. Yeah. It was me. Yeah, no, that is huge for me to open up a drawer and you will think I'm disgusting. Yeah, it's so bad. In our bathroom, my partner and I always share a bathroom and we have two massive drawers. You've got the same one's page. Two massive drawers in our bathroom. I'm taking up both drawers and I only use probably 10% of what's actually, and Sam got these new creams the other day and they're like these big pots and he can't bring some upstairs and I'm like, I've been asked if he could put them in the drawers, hey, and he was like, yeah, wood, that he's just giving up on me because he just knows it's how I am. And I've got these two drawers that I don't even really use, but I use for no reason. And that's really stupid. It feels, bro. Yeah, so routine and structure, really lack the ability. Like I almost want to bring someone into my home to set it up for me and maybe that will help. I don't know, maybe not because I also find it hard to follow someone else's process. And also like someone touching all your shirt. That's really like it. That's like really late. That's like, oh my god, don't mind these. Like, don't touch my shirt. Don't touch my satisfy pro too, not that you'd want to, but you know, but like, don't look at it. That's your essence. Yeah. Don't look at my car. There's a piece of chewing gum on the phone. There's a piece of chewing gum in my car. That's been there for what, 10 years? Or I can at least 10 years. At least 10 years. And it's not mine, I will say. I literally, oh my god. It was mine. One day she borrowed my car. What a frack were you doing? I don't know. I don't know. I actually borrowed my car to drive somewhere. I have ruined my microphone, but anyway. And she thought it was a good idea because she had gum that she wanted to get rid of. Good on you for not littering. Thank you. What was littering my sister's car? I'll just respect you, not the planet. Yeah, sticks it on my dashboard. And she goes out, it's a hot summer's day. She comes out, it's like completely melted on my dashboard. Yeah. And I'm like, that's great. It has been there ever since. And I went and got this service the other day and I got a free clean with my service. And they cleaned my car like, like it was just like amazingly done. The one thing that was left there was this piece of chewing gum. It was still in text. And you know what, fair enough, I wouldn't want to touch it either. But-- If I were like, what is that? What is that? Doesn't really look like gum anymore. No, it's like, disgusting. Anyway, why did we get on to that? Just, I don't know. I think I was about to talk about my car and how bad it is. Like it's so fucking messy. It's so messy. It's so messy, yeah. Yeah, no, it's a nightmare in the past. And then I just thought of that, the piece of gum that's been residing on my-- Yeah. Mr. Charger Rentbro. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, so this is the thing that why we end up really mental-- why we end up really stressing out me to how things pour is because we actually stress ourselves out. That's actually the biggest thing. Oh. What? No, don't blame me. Do you-- No, I definitely do. Yeah, you definitely do. Yeah, I stress myself out. And I get really angry at myself because why can't I just structure things properly? Why can't I just stick to things that I've done? It's a real confusing contradiction that one. So then there's also sensory sensitivities. So with ADHD, generally, we are sensory seeking. We love color. We love noise. We love sparkly new things. We love just sensory engagement, I guess you might say. Autistic people on the other hand generally avoid that. Bright lights can be too much and over-simulating. Noises for me. Noises for me. Noises is a huge one. Touch is a huge one for me. Don't touch me. Don't stale me. Oh, yeah. Oh, my god. I literally go on to a meltdown. Yeah. Where you can-- yeah. I literally can get a meltdown from stuff like that. No, yeah, I do. And with the ADHD combo, you're both. So sometimes I want to be seeking simulation by doing something spontaneous. Like, let's just, for an example, say that I might want to go out on the boat for a day with a friend who's invited me. Say, exciting. Can't wait. But the problem with that is, is that my ADHD is trying to have fun, but my autism is overwhelmed by the sound, the smells, the speed, the motion. The motion of the ocean. Yeah. Or just the preparation to even leave the house is way too much. Exactly. Exactly. So you again, this is-- Oh, I need this. I need that. Do I have everything? Do I have all my needs met? Do I have everything I need in order to meet my needs while I'm out for 12 hours on a boat? Exactly. Don't know. And then, like, another example might be a concert. I love music. I've always loved music. I've always loved singing instruments, blah, blah, blah. And I do want to go and see my favorite artists in concert. Like, that's such a cool experience. And some elements of it are really fun. And on the other hand, I find it hugely stressful to get there. I find it hugely stressful to be in the crowd. The lights flash and like, overstimulate me. The noise is too loud. You can fix that when we're in earplugs. But even then, there's so much sensory overload there. But I also do want the sensory stimulation of the music. I also have that struggle. Yeah. I always struggle to understand, like, the funness around concerts because of all those things. But I would actually like to go see, you know, Sirden Arter, like the one that I did go see, it was possible on a freaking love poster. But the whole time I spent very overwhelmed. And quite mute. Yeah. And I didn't really enjoy it. Enjoy it. And then I, and the person that when I can see it, when I sense it, there's like three songs to go. I'm like, I don't care what song it is. I am leaving. Before the rush. There's God for bed. I will be stuck here. Not getting an Uber. Not getting home when I want to be. I'm like, oh my God, I'm having to walk two kilometres in order to get an Uber. So I'm always that person that's like, right, we're going. Yeah, Me too. I always leave really because it's, yeah, no, I can't handle the unpredictability. And that's why we actually last year, Paige, and I had a year off alcohol. And it wasn't because we were raging alcoholics or anything. We weren't like, you drink it a little bit. Well, I think you lacked moderation when you did drink. It's maybe what I say. No, she, to be fair, before I was medicated. And which, that was my substance abuse. And then I got medicated. And then I got better. Yeah. And we had a year off last year just simply because we didn't actually, we realized we didn't really love drinking. We were kind of doing it as a coping mechanism and to fit in and be social. And we, us and a few of our friends decided to have a year off alcohol. And it's actually one of the best things we've ever done because it made me realise that I, first of all, was just drinking alcohol to fit in and just mask and help me cope with situations. But it also affects my mental health as well, which I think it generally does. But I found that I was actually enjoying life more because I could be in control of the logistics for things. So even though I might be gone to someone's house for a party, I was actually less stressed because I knew my car was there and I could drive home if I wanted to. And that actually made the biggest difference for me. And now I actually do prefer to be sober so that I can escape if I want to. Yeah, having an escape plan. Yeah, it's so important. It is so important. But then I do love being there with my friends and I love being silly and I love being hyperactive and blah, blah. And then all of a sudden, like, Paige's classic for this should be at a party or somewhere, hyperactive, like intense, crazy, hell of a. And she's standing on the table dancing like a freaking psycho. Yeah, like just center attention, like just life of the party genuinely. And then in a matter of not even five seconds, it's actually comical. It's crazy. I'll be partying all the way back. And then Paige is crazy and then I'll turn away for one second. I'll turn back and she's up to me and she's like, I'm leaving. And she sees the light leave my eyes and there's actually been times because it's such a comical thing that happens every time at like 1am, it's like, oh, I'm at night, I'm like, oh, Ellie, I can see her and I'm like, oh no. It turned into a gag where anytime that Ellie would see and answer me going, it'll be like, no, no, no, no, you can't. And I'm like, sorry. I say with us, I can't. I can't do it. I gotta go. And she literally has to go. I have to go. I have to go to sleep. Like we're being at our own house. We'll be having a party and like in an instant she'd go from dancing on the table to being in her bed asleep. No, yeah. Um, uh, our friend had a great analogy for this. The Wind Up Barbie doll. Oh my gosh. She prayed an allergy. Exactly that. Yeah, you wind her up. She's hilarious, hilarious, hilarious and then literally her battery runs out in an instant. It doesn't just wear off slowly. No. It's like, yeah. No, yeah. And I have a lot of friends that can vouch for that actually. Like, it's comical. And it's just, it's kind of like your ADHD's having fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. And then the autistic side of you then just takes over my burnt out. I'm like, well, I'm done burnt out and I'm just exhausted. I'm like, I had not simply go on. Yeah, you must leave me. Exactly. You must go on. Um, the next one, uh, exit your function. Both of these conditions have issues with the executive function. ADHD is more struggling with planning, task management, um, prioritization of tasks. that people can often be okay at planning. and in some cases can actually plan quite well, like to a huge level of detail, but has issues just with cognitive processing or like having too much info, all at once and not being able to process anything at all. So they're both having issues with this kind of dysfunction, but then the kind of different causes. So then if you're Audi HD and you've got both, you can struggle with the task planning, you need the routine and order and the structure of it, you can kind of still plan it a little bit, but then you get overwhelmed by the info and then once again you just do nothing at all. That's me. My age's getting a function, causes me to just do nothing at all. Like I just get, like we talked about the last episode, I'm just paralyzed, constantly. There's no consistency to us, so I would say it's like, it's all on nothing, it's one or the other, it's this one week, it's that next week and it's just hard to live life sometimes. Yeah. Well I think like you're like constantly in paralysis, I always say, and then I'm like a bloody pinball machine, no, like a bloody, like I'm almost going left, you know, to each extreme at all times, yeah, or any more, more so, just stuck in the middle. Yeah, exactly, like just frozen. It's really quite opposite in that way and again, great example of two siblings being really different in this manifestation. We are so different. We're so different and quirky. Emotional regulation, we all, we both, both autistic people and ADHD people can struggle with emotional regulation. And again, with ADHD people, it's a struggle, you can have severe rejection sensitivity dysphoria. So you struggle to moderate your emotions if you're feeling a sense or perceived sense of rejection. Yeah. You can lose it quite easily if you get overwhelmed and it's really hard to moderate. Sometimes people end up, you know, punching a wall, often that can be more mean, like they, it manifests in like an anger and it's like, overwhelmed, bomb, physically let out the energy. Then you've got autistic people who are more like delayed in their emotional processing. So they have meltdowns, but only because of maybe sensory or overstimulation of of everything, where the cognitive side of the, like you just can't think and so you just melt down. Freeze, freeze, yeah, exactly. Or you might have an interaction where you don't process what happened for another week or two or a month. And that's confusing and then that can lead to a meltdown later. But it's delayed. So it's hard to explain that to people because it could be something that happened four weeks ago and you're now processing it. But if you've got ADHD, you've got both or the this unique neurotype you swing between the two. So like you might be, you might have meltdowns and delayed emotional processing, but then at other times just completely fly off the handle at nothing or not it nothing, but something that's that's hard or you can't regulate and you can go off. So you kind of swing between like shutdowns and then like intense kind of outward meltdowns. Yeah. So it's again really confusing. Yeah. Just you saying it is just so so sad. Yeah. Because that's just you're speaking to both our experiences. So I know how that feels and it's just so confusing when you don't know what is wrong or what's going on. It is so hard and so exhausting and you beat yourself up and that's what's so sad about it all because again, it's like invisible in the sense of it's not like a broken, you know, something that you can see. And yeah, you're saying it right now and I'm just like, you know, and the amount of people that are out there still experiencing this. Not getting the help that they need makes me incredibly sad. Yeah. Just why we're doing this because we want to help people that were in our position when we didn't know. And now how much has changed our lives just like knowing and having things to put in place. I just think about all the people that are still walking this earth that are still going through those struggles. Don't know what it is. And don't know what it is. Because we still go through those struggles, but you're able to sort of like reconcile it in your mind and put strategies into place to help. And you're like, I'm more empowered because I know what it is so I can try and work with my brain and counteract it or just if something happens tomorrow feeling something, I can just identify it and go, oh, that's why I feel that way. And then just move on. Yeah. Whereas before I'd be like, what, I feel this way, I'm useless. I'm the worst. The self-hate chair, the depression, anxiety around everything. Yeah. It's so shate. It is very shate. One more, obviously there's a lot more we can get into here, but again, we don't want to keep these, we don't want to make these episodes too long. We need, we need you will focus and staying with us for the 30 to 40 minutes that we talk. But one of the last contradictions, and there's more of them, but then what last one we're going to cover is like masking and burnout. So masking is where you're basically covering up your internal needs and feelings to try and fit into society sort of thing. Both ADHD and autistic people have an element of masking. Where they're trying to fit in, not go like go unseen, don't look like you're out of place, don't make it look like you're different. And that's why you're right scripts for like your social interactions and stuff like that. With ADHD people, they end up with burnout because as we previously mentioned another episode, they might go hyperfixate on something like intensely for like maybe it might be 24 hours, it might be a week, it might be a month. And during that time when you're hyperfixating and really novelty seeking and your dope means just so high for whatever it is, you often forget to have a healthy diet. You don't drink water, you don't go to the toilet when you probably should. You don't get enough sleep because you're staying up and focused on it. And then that intense hyperfixation then turns into burnout because at the end of that, you're completely mounted and you're exhausted. Then you've got autism where the burnout actually more so comes from masking in social situations and just trying to fit in, so going outside and being overstimulated constantly. And then having to work harder in social situations, that leads to autistic burnout. When you've got ADHD and autism, so ADHD, you've got both. You've got the exhaustion of your hyperfixation and your energy being used on whatever you're fixating on right now. And then that turns to exhaustion. And then at the same time, you're constantly masking, trying to fit in, counteracting all the sensory overload. And so you almost end up with double burnout. And that's why neurodivergent burnout is different to neurotypical burnout. And I believe the ADHD burnout is like the double women. I am exhausted just listening to you. And you know what? Every podcast. There's fucking light in this fan. Yeah, it's just too much. I know. And it makes my tics worse. So that's why I'm just like, yeah, by the end of every podcast, I feel like Paige talks less. And it's because she's got to the point where she's just overstimulated and kind of can't do it much longer. And then I start to feel nauseous. Yeah. It's hard. Like I, another thing that I really struggle with myself is that people who any person needs a good diet and needs good exercise and needs to look after themselves right. We're a body that needs fuel and to be cared for and service like a vehicle. But I know that I thrive when I'm going to the gym, when I'm eating healthy, when I'm doing everything right, getting enough sleep. But often my ADHD and my brain stop me from implementing healthy healthy diets. I'm so exhausted that I just order Uber Eats because I can't face going down to the kitchen and sorting out an entire meal. And so then my diet, my health gets worse. And then all of my traits and manifestations of ADHD also get worse. And then my mental health is suffering. Yeah. Can I just, on that, it's kind of a tangent. But since I was diagnosed with ADHD and then medicated, then I felt that my autism kind of came to light more. Like I feel more in control when grounded in terms of ADHD. So I'm able to now better stick it routines, which is just, well, still I don't. Yeah. But I'm way better at it now. Can I just say that now that someone who drinks a lot of great filtered water, not tap water, who eats very well, lots of greens, who exercises every week, who has healthy habits, I really look after myself. Guess what? I still have ADHD. Yeah. Oh my god. Crazy. It didn't fix it. It didn't fix it. So can I just say, because the amount of shit I hear, sorry, I'm getting a bit angry about this because I'm sick of it. Saying it online and people thinking that, okay, it is true that if you don't look after yourself, you don't get good sleep, you don't drink well, you don't eat well. Your behavior may look and manifest like, you know, you're, what do you think? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, looking after yourself is always going to result in different behaviors and stress and unhealthiness and mental unhealthiness. Yeah. Not just physical unhealthiness. Yeah. So that's true in that sense. But people who try say that ADHD is caused by like not eating well or like exercising or, oh, you should exercise and eat well. For someone who does all those things, yeah, I'm very alley. You can see is like why it intents about it. I don't actually know how you do it because I can't even, I can't even get my thoughts around that. I can't even do what you do. Yeah. Now that I'm able to do that, I still struggle with my ADHD. Yeah. So if anyone says to you, well, that like, do you try to eat some greens, you know, and do you like, you know, I barely eat bad food really. I never really eat takeaways. Like if I eat bad food, I'll like make something at home like a chocolate, shell, shawshish, and puggy and they're yummy. Yeah, they yummy. But just hear it from me, I'm extremely healthy and fit and I still have ADHD and autism, ADHD. - What do you actually do? - No, exactly. It doesn't fix it, it doesn't cure it, but it helps. It does help. - It does help, but people who try salar, oh it's not real, you're usually gonna eat healthier? Sorry? - Yeah, it's not true. It's a neurological wiring of the brain. It's how the brain is working. And yeah, I get really frustrated myself because I know I function better when I'm exercising well and I'm eating well, but often I go through. I honestly would say that my life is a series of phases and you might even notice it, like I notice it in my weight fluctuation. If I've put weight on, you probably know that I'm my mental health's bad and I'm struggling and I'm burnt out and I'm not eating properly, I'm not exercising because I have nothing left to give. If I'm looking a bit thinner and healthier, also I'm not saying being thinner is healthy, but for me, when I'm a bit thinner than I can be and I'm more mussely and healthy, I am probably doing okay in life. Like I think it's a real reflection of my mental health, my weight actually. - Yeah. - And it's a total overwhelm and I get so angry because I really wanna live a healthy lifestyle, but sometimes just some months of the year and especially during winter, I really, really, really struggle with that. - This is the ironic thing is like when people say, "Oh, would you eat healthy and you do all the. " It's like, that's the thing with ADHD. Like I can't get into the routine and stick to it. - Yeah, I'm trying. - So maybe I need assistance in order to implement those. Like I have. I may want to implement better healthy systems because I am medicated. - Yeah, exactly. And it may not, again, medication may not work for you, but I've definitely got better at putting systems and processes in for myself, just knowing that I'm autistic/ADHD, ADHD. I'm way more aware of it 'cause I'm not spending all my energy hating myself. I'm just like, "Oh, okay, this is me, this is who I am." Now how do I better work with myself? That's it. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. So that's like a very, again, vague sort of, I mean, it's kind of deep. We've gone to some depth here, but that's kind of some of the contradictions or the arguments between ADHD or ADHD and autism and how living with it in your brain can be a hellscape and why you need to have an often suffer. But we'll end this episode here 'cause we want to keep him like reasonably brief. - Thank you for listening in. - Thank you so much. What were you talking about next week? - Who knows? Now let us know what you, if you think you might have ADHD or you have it, like what are some contradictions that you struggle with? Comment on our videos. Let us know if there's any experiences that you relate to or that you have had with ADHD or even just ADHD and autism 'cause we'd love to hear from you. We've also got a Google form in our link tree that you can submit questions and even just, you don't even have to submit a question. Even just tell us about yourself if you want. Tell us what your experience with ADHD's been and we will catch you next week for another episode. Thank you so much, girl. - Thank you, bye. (upbeat music)