E2. The 3 Unconscious Questions Everyone Is Asking.

Hello and welcome to Insights, the podcast with your host, Joe Pane. Join me in this deep exploration of our personal journeys from ambition to meaning, where we stop living life fast and start living life deep. This is a journey of waking up and realizing that our lives have never been about us, but about others. True success leaves positive ripple effects on other souls. I believe that success needs to be redefined from our own personal ambitious endeavors to be redefined as the value that we leave and give to others around us. Join me now as we begin this journey to deeper connections, even more fulfillment, some fun, curiosity, life, love and all good things. Your deeper journey from ambition to meaning starts right now. Hello and welcome back as Joe here. Welcome to episode two. I really appreciate you joining me. Today, what we're going to focus on are the three unconscious questions that every single human being is asking every single other human being. You see in all of our interactions, whether we're talking about personal interactions, friendship interactions, business interactions, customer or client interactions, fundamentally, there are three questions that everyone is asking. Now, the word unconscious simply means out of our awareness. So, people aren't literally coming to you with these questions on the tip of their tongue, asking you these three questions and answer these three questions to say yes to these three questions first and then maybe we can talk. That is not what's happening. These three unconscious questions are communicated to us by how we feel. And if you, as we are about to explore these unconscious questions, I trust that when you listen to these and how we answer these and all of our interactions, we'll absolutely contribute significantly to how we make other people feel and how we feel being around them. So, when I first started my coaching journey back in '05, '06, I was introduced to these unconscious questions when a very dear friend of ours, her dad gave me a VHS video tape. Can you believe it? A VH, I don't even know VHS, even stands for, but a video cassette tape that my sons wouldn't even know what the heck I'm talking about. And on this video tape was a, like, there's a 30 minute recording of a guy called Lou Holtz. And Lou Holtz was a legendary college football coach, regarded as a legend because he was able to take teams from the bottom ranks of the rankings to the up-heishelon of the rankings within two years. And he did this with multiple teams over his history of his career, maintaining 98% of the personnel. He built rich cultures fast. And he said that he's standards of behavior and standards of communication around these three unconscious questions. So, I'm going to share with you now these three unconscious questions. And then let's discuss them. Let's go deeper into how it is that we can actually fulfill these three unconscious questions in other people's, in terms of how we make them feel. So, what Holtz said was that what he built around his players, because in the realm of Gretaian, which is the American football code, the, what's it called, the National Football League, I think it is. I don't know anything about that game. But one thing I do know is that it's highly strategic and it's made up of subteams within the big team. And every person on the field has got a very specific role to play out and they've got all of these set plays and things. That's as bad as all I know it's all I know. So, don't question me on now. Give me or make comments on my in our knowledge because I know nothing. But I do know from a human behavioral perspective is that certain people have to carry out certain roles. So, other people can carry out their roles. So, the first of these three unconscious questions that Holtz drilled into his players and somehow got them to, you know, these questions became part of their mindset, part of their psychology is that the first question is, can you be trusted? Can you be trusted? And that's a big question. Trust is, self trust is an issue for a lot of people and it's not because it's something wrong with that particular person. It's uncanny how most of us as children, you know, really make it through to adulthood with our self-esteem intact. And one of the other realms of self-esteem that's that's really in tact and us in adults is the realm of self trust. And a lot of adults, like a lot of us as we enter our 20s and 30s, need to learn how to trust ourselves again, need to learn how to grow up in terms of our esteem, need to start falling back in love with ourselves. And that conversation is a whole other conversation that will dedicate another episode to down the track. But the point I want to make is that people only work with people that they trust. Now, whilst this sounds very obvious, what is less obvious is what's behind trust and how it actually works. And we'll go there in a moment. So let me just give you, let me share with you the three unconscious questions now, like straight up, and then we'll go deeper into the behind the scenes of how these work. So that everyone is asking you, can you be trusted? The second core question that everyone is asking you is, are you committed to excellence, which is a very elegant way of saying, are you any good? Are you any good at what you do? I'll give you some examples around all this in a moment. And the third unconscious question that everyone is asking, which is the most, the single most important question that everyone wants to know the answer to, is do you care about me, not as a client, not as a customer, not as a colleague, not as any role that I play, but do you actually care about me as a person, genuinely? Is there any form of care around that? And what's fascinating is there's different layers of depth, of course, to that. So if I can just say to you that these three unconscious questions are based on trust, commitment and care. Now, if you take away any of these ingredients in any relationship, whether there's a lack of trust, you've got nothing, whether there's trust and no commitment, you've got nothing, whether there's trust and there's commitment, but there's a lack of care, you've got a very superficial relationship, where there's care, but there's no trust or commitment or consistency of any kind of care. And you've got a very, very dysfunctional relationship. So any form of relationship or connection that we have with others from the superficiality of just someone that we meet in the coal supermarket, I'll all the way through to people that are a core part of our life that we share our life with through to colleagues that work through anyone that we work with the centerpiece of the human condition. Are these three questions? Can you be trusted? Are you any good at what you do, which is another way of saying are you committed to excellence? And do you care about me as a person? Now let's go a little bit deeper into these. Let's go to the first one. Can you be trusted? One of the core ingredients of trust is consistency and consistency is not to be confused with being perfect or being a robot of consistency. That's not what I mean by human consistency. But human consistency, I mean where there's no wild swings of extreme. So in other words, think of someone that maybe you may have met in a work environment that you've been part of in the past, where they're mood swings from one extreme to another. You don't know what aspect of them is going to show up any given day. You know, there could be a kind part of them, there could be an angry part of them, there could be a part of them that is very unpredictable in other ways or in other words, we will most of us label people like that as kind of strange, which is a bit unfair and it's very judgey of course. So, but that person is displaying an inconsistency in their mood or an inconsistency in their emotional range or an inconsistency in how they speak to us. We can't trust them because we don't know what's going to happen next. So one of the core ingredients of trust is consistency. Now what do I mean when I say don't confuse consistency with being a robot? Well, let me share something with you. I'll give you an example and so many different examples I could share with you. One example is just recently like in the last year or so, might have been stover a year, there's a coffee shop that's opened up in our local area. And this particular fellow is incredibly committed to his craft. Like he is deeply passionate about the way he roasts his coffee and the menu of different ranges of coffee taste that he has. The guy gets into his shop at 430 every morning consistently like he's there at 430 every morning. The shop pretty much opens when he's in there. He roasts the coffee for the day. He has got his menu on display in terms of the five or six different options of coffee that you have depending on what kind of coffee you're having whether it's a piccolo or latte determines on your determines the being that you will have. Depending what kind of mood that you're in and how hot or cold or warm or whatever you want. The guy is just amazing. He remembers your name when you walk in there. He remembers the kind of coffee that you have when you walk in there. He knows for example for me, I either have a latte or have a piccolo. And when I have a piccolo, there's a certain type of coffee blend that I'll have and when I have a latte, there's certain. He remembers those two kinds of coffees in my combination. And he remembers my name. There is a consistency when I walk into the store. It's not robotic. It doesn't say hello to me exactly the same way every day. He doesn't talk to me in exactly the same way every day. The conversation is different every day, but the centerpiece of my experience is the consistency of the coffee. So I love going there not only because his product is brilliant, but also because of the experience. So can you be trusted? So when I walk into that store, I know exactly what I'm going to get. There's a consistency there. So the trust has been built with me as a customer over the last 12 months or so. The second one is are you committed to excellence? Like I, if I'm asking him in my mind's eye, is this guy committed to excellence? Absolutely. The guy's got a passion, he's got a commitment. He has got so much in the game of becoming the best roaster, the best coffee person maker, whatever the language is around coffee experts, but is star, I guess you could say, that he could possibly become. And even the way that he looks at you when you walk in, like there's an energy about him that shows that he actually cares about what he does, and he cares about the experience of the customer. Now, does he care about me as a person? Well, that's the third core driving question. Well, he doesn't actually know me intimately as a person, but in terms of the role that I play as I walk into that store as customer, he cares about me as a person walking in. Like every time I walk in, he acknowledges me, he acknowledges my existence. And unlike other coffee stores that I walk into where they don't remember your name or they don't even know you or you don't even get ignored, or you have to ask for service or you have to get someone's attention and all this kind of thing vastly different experience. And excuse me. Now the fellow is building an incredible business because the core of the experience of the customer, the client is trust, commitment and care. That's a commercial example. What about a personal example? What about a love example? What about a love relationship? What about a friendship? Well, that's the same there, just a course in different context. But when it comes to being with close friends, people that we care about and love, there has to be some kind of consistency there in terms of who we're being, what we're portraying, the values that we're demonstrating, the values that we are living, the values that we are expressing, what we do in our lives in terms of our conversation pieces and the activities that we have, all of that. So there's certain element of consistency when it comes to trust. Are you committed to excellence? Well, in the context of a marriage or a friendship or a relationship, this is a reflection of the commitment that we have to the relationship, no matter what. I mean, do we have that person's back when they need us the most? How do we, excuse me, how do we talk about that person when we're not with them? Do we talk about them in the same way that we talk about them when we're with them? Is there a consistency? Is there a commitment to that? Are we committed to our friendship or our friend? So in other words, our attitude and our mind and our energy and our vibe about that person when they're not with us, is it the same as when we are with them? To give you an example, I mean, my wife and I have been together for a long time. We met back in 1993 and we were married in 1996 and the reason why I share that with you is that there has never been not one moment where I have ever bagged my wife to somebody else when she's not around. I often hear some people. I mean, I've been exposed to lots of commercial spaces and places. I mean, my trainings and human behavior have taken me to some fascinating places and I've met some pretty interesting people. And many occasions I've heard men or women complain about their husbands or their wives or their partners in ways that it's so disrespectful. And I think, wow, that's how you talk about them when you're not in the room. And my wife and I have spoken about this and we've often shared how, you know, we've never talked detrimentally or negatively or disrespectfully about each other when we're not in the room together, literally talking or being in the room together. So are we, is there a consistency in terms of trust and are we committed to excellence, meaning in the context of a relationship, are we committed to that relationship in a consistent basis where we have a healthy, deep respect, significance, connection. You know, is there growth and contribution in that relationship? Is there that kind of connection? Really, really, really important. So that's how it translates in the realm of human personal relationships. And of course, when it comes to the third driving question, do you care about me as a person? Well, let's demonstrate through our actions. I know that in the context of our marriage and maybe I'm getting a little bit too personal here, I don't know. I'll find out with feedback soon. You know, little things that we do at home, I mean, I'm often up early in the morning because I go running and stuff early in the morning. I'm often the first one up in the family and I'll have a, I'll make myself a coffee there and I'll have a, you know, I'll use a pot to warm up some milk or something like that. And what I'll do is knowing that my wife will be getting up an hour or so later, perhaps having a coffee or a tea as well and she will want to use that pot to warm something up. I will always clean, wash and dry that pot and leave it sitting on the stove ready to go. Now, now what's the big deal in that? Well, it's a big deal. It's, it's one of the small things that are the big things in life because how would you feel if you rocked up in the morning and your partner has just used the pots and pans that you, that they know that you're going to use and they're dirty and left in the sink in muddy water or murky water, how does it feel? It doesn't feel like they care. Does it? But if it's been used and you know it's been used and it's been cleaned and it's been dried and it's ready for you on the, on the, wherever it's got to be read sitting on the, on the, what's it called? The cook type or whatever it's called. There's a different feeling. There's a different vibe. There's a feeling of care. It's subtle. This is subtle stuff. You know, there's trust, commitment and care there just in that expression of that action. So these are all the micro moments and micro experiences in life that in the relationships that matter the most when trust, commitment and care is playing out in that fashion, you've just deepened the connection with that person. So maybe you're making a big deal out of this. I don't know. I mean, I would love to your feedback. I'd love to your comments on what you've been learning here because these three questions are being asked of us all the time everywhere that we go in our interactions with clients or customers or friends or colleagues. Trust, commitment and care is how our character is built and a reputation that we have with the people that we love matters. You know, in the realm of personal development often hear people saying to me, "Oh, what other people think is of me is none of my business." Well, let me tell you something. You and I will always care about what people, our inner circle people think of us. You know, to walk around in life. I think it's a personal development myth to say to yourself that you don't care what people think. Now, certainly there's certain people that don't matter, but that sounds awful. But let me share something with you. I will always care what my sons think of me. I will always care what my wife thinks of me. I will always care for those who are near and dear to me what they think of me. Now beyond that to other people, to perhaps people who I've never met or don't know, maybe I don't care what they think about me. But I'll be honest with you and say, "Well, you know, I can't do, but it's just nowhere near as intense that care for what they think of me in comparison to the people inside my inner circle." So, the point I want to make is that trust, commitment and care and how we demonstrate that matters because what other people think of us, especially the people that we care and love for, what they think of us, matters to us. And I trust that if you're being really honest with yourself that I think you might agree with me. I haven't met anyone who walks around their life unconditionally, uncaring about what the people who they love, think of them. It matters, it matters. And how we build that reputation with the people that we care about and love is through trust, commitment and care. Now, let me take this to another level. Let me change the tune of this so we can explore how these three unconscious questions actually relate to ourselves. So how about if we turned these questions inward? What about if we actually took these three unconscious questions and asked them to ourselves, now that is another level. So asking ourselves, "Can I trust myself? Do I care about, before we get to the third one, do I trust myself? Am I committed to excellence within myself? Do I care about myself as a person?" And can I tell you guys the degree of which we have trust, commitment and care for ourselves is reflected externally in the relationships and expressions with other people. I mean, how is it that we can have trust, commitment and care from others if we don't have trust, commitment and care for ourselves? So all this begins with trust, self-trust. So what are the steps in building self-trust, a very important question? And I'm here to share with you what they are. So the first one, and there's no linear, perfect model to say to you, "Do this, do this, and do that," and then you'll have self-trust. But let me give you the mindset to thinking of how this actually works. The way the self-trust begins building within us is that when we make a decision to do something, whether it's to go for a walk around the block the next morning or go for a run or learn how to play the guitar or whatever decision that we've made in terms of commitments that we say that we're going to do within our own, within the confines of our own mind, we need to do it. Because if we have said to ourselves, "Well, you know what, I'm going to start exercising." And I think every Monday and Wednesday, I'm going to go for a 20 minute walk or I'm going to go for a 10 minute walk every morning. The moment that we let ourselves off the hook and don't do that is a moment where our trust account goes down. The moment that we do it, our trust account goes up. And you see, if we're being in consistent within ourselves, then we can't build trust within ourselves. And if we can't build trust within ourselves, how are other people going to trust us? You know, I often say that, you know, the famous words of Karl Jung, the famous psychoanalyst from the 1920s, who was an incredible mystic and an amazing human behaviorist is one of my heroes when it comes to the realm of human behavior and understanding the human condition. He was amazing. And one of the things that he said is that perception is projection, which is a very big statement. And fundamentally, what he's saying is that what we've seen others is within us. So if I can be more specific here, if there are patterns that we're noticing in our lives or themes that we're showing up in our lives, often those themes show up, because that's an aspect of ourselves that we are not aware of or that we are being or that we have not resolved or that we have not taken responsibility for my Lord, that is a lot that I've just said there in the last 10 seconds. So to give an example, I'm talking about, if we don't trust ourselves and we're grossly inconsistent with our own inner world commitments, our commitments to ourselves, that lack of trust that we have for ourselves because of the inconsistency is going to show up in our experience of our relationship with others. So if you are experiencing aspects of your life where people don't seem to be trusting you easily, have the inner wisdom, have the healthy curiosities to start questioning for that lack of trust to be showing up out there, where is it within us? And that's something that we can resolve by just simply changing our mind, changing the decisions and the commitments and the responsibilities that we need to embrace to build that trust within ourselves. So I know that internally, like in my mind, one of the things I pride myself on is consistency. You know, whatever it is that I'm doing, whether it's my work, whether it's my relationships, whether it's my running, whether it's whatever it is, unless there is some extenuating circumstances generally speaking, there's a consistency about my commitment to things. And that's just something I've enjoyed over life and that's something that makes me feel good. So whatever that expression is for you, that's what it is for me. But so that that that for people to trust us, we have to learn to trust ourselves first. And the way that that happens is by demonstrating some kind of consistency to the decisions that we all make around our commitments. The second question, are we committed to excellence? Are we committed to completion? Is it now I've covered that in the first question. So trust and trust and commitment are fundamental in terms of our own relationship with ourselves and how we experience that within ourselves. And of course, the third question is the self-care question. Do we care about ourselves as people? So do we take time out to look after our energy? Do we take time out to look after our emotions? Do we look after ourselves in a way that is self-respecting and self-loving? Do we have clean, clear, crisp boundaries in our life? Now the whole realm of boundaries, by the way, is a whole other conversation. And I'll dedicate another episode to that at some stage soon. But carrying ourselves, carrying about ourselves as people is fundamental as well. Again, how do we expect others to care for us if we don't care for ourselves? Now, I know that sounds overly simplistic. But if there are themes showing up in your life or mine where there's a lack of trust and inconsistency around commitment and there's a lack of care that it often is a reflection on the realm of trust, commitment and care within ourselves that is either inconsistent or we haven't taken responsibility for or we haven't embraced. So these core questions everywhere that you go, people are asking them. So if we can demonstrate or answer these questions when we're connecting with someone in the way that we're being, gee, we're going a long, long way in establishing deep connection and more rapport with the people around us. So I trust from listening to this episode of Insights that I'm hopefully, I'm bringing to your awareness that as we all go back out there amongst the world and the people around us that fundamentally everyone's wondering, can you be trusted? Are you committed to excellence or in other words, are you any good at what you're doing? You combine those three, trust, commitment and care in the vibe of your being, in how you speak and your attitude and what you focus on. Boy oh boy, there's that go a long way in developing and progressing deeper connections with people around us. And remember the reason why this is important, the reason why deep connection matters is fundamentally as human beings, the core driving needs of the human condition is we all want to belong and we all want to be valued. We all want to be loved. That's fundamentally the base of the human condition to belong to be valued and beloved. And without trust, without consistency of commitment, without care, you can't have any of those things. None of us can. So let's wrap up the episode. I trust you've enjoyed it. Can you be trusted? And do you care about me as a person is what everyone is asking you? It's also the question we're asking others. And fundamentally at the core, at the core of the human condition, do we trust ourselves? Are we committed to our own decisions and our own excellence? Work on getting those right and you'll go a long way in connecting more deeply with the people around you. I believe that this has been an important conversation because there's so many people that I've met through my work, you know, through my work that I do as a trainer in this space who seem to be surrounded by lots of people, but still lack connection or with people that they genuinely love and would give their lives for, but just don't know how to connect with them, whether that's father to son or mother to daughter or whatever the combination of relationship is. And I hope that this conversation that we've just had today in episode two contributes something, contributes something in the progressive realization of understanding how we can connect more deeply with ourselves and with those around us. So thank you so much for joining me. And I will look forward to very much hearing your comments or seeing your comments on today's episode. And I'll see you at the next episode, episode three coming up next week. Thank you so much for joining me. Enjoy your day. Bye for now. Thank you so much for joining me and I'm looking forward to being with you again very soon. In the next episode, I've been Sites the Podcast.