E1217 - His Secret Paycheck | Ask Nick

(upbeat music) How's it going? - Good, how are you? - Good, what's your name? - Megan. - Nice to meet you, Megan, how old are you? - 34. - How can I help? - So my sister, who I'm pretty close with, is dating a sex addict, which has gotten pretty awkward. We actually met him on a family vacation, like 15 years ago. And I guess they've been in contact this whole time. Like, she's been dating other people. So as he, you know, I think they'd just been like cooking up over the years. Like they lived in two different states. And then like a year ago, she was like, "Oh, do you remember that guy we met on vacation, like 15 years ago?" And I was like, "Yeah." She was like, "We've been hanging out, like they live in the same state." - How old is your sister, by the way? - She's two years older than me, so 36. - But you guys literally met this guy when you were teenagers. - No, we were in college. - Okay. - So like early 20s. - Early 20s, okay. - 10 years ago maybe. So they go like fast and furious. He sounds great. He is like very great on paper. He's handsome, he's over six feet tall. Like you know how that goes? - Sure. - They start doing all these things together. They start going all these weddings together and they're having the time of their lives. And this is now like six months has passed. And I'm like, so you're not calling him your boyfriend. Like what's going on there? And I'm single too. So I'm like, if I'm eating out, I think I for six months, he's my boyfriend. And I could tell she's like in love with him. So I just was bringing that to her attention and she was like, yeah, we haven't really like, had that conversation. You know, he had like a crazy ex girlfriend. I'm like, well, you need to have a conversation with him. He could totally be seeing other people. And she was like, no, there's no way. Like he's obsessed with me. Okay, so they go on another trip and she goes through his phone, finds out he's doing all sorts of stuff. He's on Snapchat. He's on all the dating apps. She didn't ask, she just went through his phone. Yeah, she went through his phone. And she found all this stuff. He was getting like paid and it was bad. She told me and my whole family, all these dirty details, like dirty details that are unerasable. Like very specific details. Multiple people, money was involved. He was, he was paying for sex. He was getting paid. Oh, okay. So she finds this out, tells all of us. I think we were all just kind of in shock, gave her some space. And then she kind of was like, yeah, we're dating now. Oh, okay. How did we go from there to there? Right. I don't know. So it has definitely created like an awkward dynamic with my family. Where does the sex addict part come in? Are you guys-- That's what she found out. She was like, he obviously has an issue. I think they've been in like therapy about it. What, I'm just being naive or playing dumb. But did he technically do anything wrong? And does he for sure have an issue? Or is it just he has a different lifestyle than your sister does? Right. I don't know. I mean, I think-- I don't mean like, I don't think everyone who's like an only fans model or a porn star has a sex addict. No, I totally agree with that. But I think it is very extreme. Like if I were to share with you the kind of things that she did find in his phone, it is kind of like-- But extreme, he might be extreme. He might be an extreme guy who that's what he's into. I don't know. Maybe he does have some stuff going on. Wait, is it also safe to say that he didn't do anything wrong in your sister did? I'm sorry, because they weren't dating. She's going through his phone. They're not dating. They're having consensual sex. They're enjoying each other's company. She never asked any questions. He never lied to her. Even if they didn't have a conversation about, hey, we're sleeping together. So I at least need to know if you're having sex with other people so I can practice safe sex. It sounds like they didn't even have that conversation. Right. And I guess you could say to a guy, well, you should have known that we're having sex. But again, this is a person that sounds like at a minimum who has a far more casual relationship with sex than most people. So if they never communicated their expectations with sex, then what did he do wrong? No, I totally hear you on that, which is why I was kind of like pushing her to have that conversation. But now, here we are a year later, they're dating. We all know what we know. Obviously, we're all kind of gossiping in the family to the point where like all of our family friends know, all of our extended family knows. Does he know that you know that I speak? Yeah, because he has had difficult conversations with some people in my family, like my mom. OK, mom's out there. And how did that conversation go? What was that? It's awkward. It's super awkward. Does he think he has a problem? Yeah. He does, OK. I mean, that's a great question. That's a great question to ask. Because I did try to come up with some questions that my mom should like talk to him about. And it was just kind of like, I think he just like apologized and was like, I want to do better. And I want to be better and like, I love her. So I don't know if the problem was addressed. So that's a great question. Do you-- are you aware of any expectations your sisters set with him around like what, why are they boy-- they're just dating? What does that mean? Right. You don't know. I mean, I assume that means they're only seeing each other. But yeah, it's just kind of like, I don't know. How much do I want to get involved? I already know so much. And it's like-- What sounds like everyone else is more concerned with your sister's situation than your sister is? Yeah. What conversations is she having with him? What questions is she asking him? I think it just jumped to the point where like, now we're planning our holiday plans and he's involved. And it just puts all of us in a weird awkward position. I mean, I met him at dinner and I just like couldn't even make-- I contact with him, I just-- I didn't even want to go. So I'm really, I don't know, just looking for advice. I guess I had to handle this more. Like, should I have this conversation with her? Or just like, I don't know? What I'm hearing from you, if I'm understanding, is that you guys have a problem with the way your sister is moving in a relationship. But you're only communicating it to-- you know, the whole family's talking to him about your problem with your sister. Again, like, he might have issues. He might have problems. He might be a sex addict. Or maybe he's just intense. But he is who he is, so to speak. And your sister has chosen to fall for him and date him. And you guys obviously have a lot of valid, I'm sure, concerns. But you're talking to-- you know, it's like, you need to talk to your sister about, hey, I'm worried for you. I mean, yeah, we like him. He's a great guy. But what are you getting out of this? What's the future looks like for you? Ultimately, she's her own person. She's going to make her choices. But to me, it just sounds weird that you and mom and everyone else is talking to him, obviously, because you're looking out for your sister. But how is that going to land if she's not willing to hold-- she has to hold them accountable. She has to communicate her expectations with him, whatever those are. No, I get that. It's more just like, she is acting like none of this ever happened, and he's this great guy. And why aren't you guys happy for me, kind of thing? Is she happy? I mean, they've been traveling all year. I mean, it looks like it. OK. I mean, yeah, I mean, this is-- But I think this is when it gets complicated where, like, headed towards the holidays. And it's like, OK, this is going to be interesting. I mean, on some level, you just have to let your 36-year-old sister live her life. And it sounds like outside of these things, you guys know, he's-- you like him. He's a fun hang. If you didn't know this, do you like-- I mean, is he cool? Like, you know, like, I don't know. Yeah, but we know so much. Like, she told us so much that it's just-- you can't see anything else. No, I totally get that. You honestly cannot see anything else, which is just like, why? But the why is not for him. The why is for your sister. Yeah, no, totally. Have you asked your sister, why? Like, what are you getting out of this? Are you happy? At the end of the day, if your sister is not wondering or bothered by his behavior, then it can't-- I don't know how you guys make it your problem. So it sounds like you might have to have a tough conversation with your sister. But maybe-- I don't know. Maybe she's happy. What is she-- like, do you-- are you aware of what your sister's relationship goals are? Like, is she someone who, like, wants to settle down, have the kids, and all that stuff or-- Yeah, it's actually interesting because I feel like they've been avoiding that because they have been traveling all year. So it is going to be interesting. Or they're going to move in together. I feel like they're almost putting that off to keep, like, traveling. But I just want to make sure that, like, are those your hopes and dreams for your sister? Or is it-- Oh, no. I mean, she can do whatever she wants. But it's just a bummer. I don't want this guy to be my brother-in-law. And I know my other sister feels kind of the same way. It's, like, I don't know. What do you mean? Why do you care? You just want your sister to be happy, right? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, when you say it like that, it is-- yeah, she comes first. I get that. Yeah, I just feel like I know a way too much about him. But if she's happy, I just kind of have to-- you know. I mean, I have a lot of siblings, as you know. We're all very different. We've all made different choices. I don't-- it's not about me agreeing or disagreeing. But I don't know if they're happy. I don't-- it's like they're life, it's not my life. And I have to trust-- I have to trust that they know what they want in their life. If they came to me and said, I'm a little confused, I'm not really happy. And I don't know why I'm not happy. Can you help me out? Sure. Then we can, like, explore some of their decisions. But it's not for me to say just because I'm living my life a different way than them. And I want different things. I can't project what I want for myself onto them and assume that they want what I want. You know, your sister's traveling. You know, maybe she just wants a carefree life and she wants to travel and see the world and maybe as she gets older, she's just like, I don't really want kids. I'm having so much fun with this guy. He makes me happy. And what if you find out your sister start doing some of the things that he does and she loves it? - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like our minds are just kind of going places because everything we do know. And then I'm also like, does he know that we know that she's told us everything? I think it sounds like you just need to have a conversation with your sister. It's like, listen, you told us a lot of stuff. It was a lot to, I love you, you're my sister. I just want you to be happy. And just be like, are you happy? Because like, I think sometimes me and mom and the family, you told us all this information. It seemed like it bothered you at the time. And so again, we're concerned for you, but I don't want to worry about something that you're not worried about. And if you want us to accept him for who he is, then we will. But I just want to make sure that you actually happy and that you're not putting off your needs because you're so concerned about his problems. I'm guessing that's concerned that you have. It's like, maybe he's so fucked up and yet, he's the center of attention. I have these problems and she's, you know, that clad, like, well, I care about him and he needs my help. And you know, is he trying to fix him and then she's kind of ignoring, is she ignoring her own happiness to accommodate him? And it sounds like that's maybe a concern of yours. And maybe you're right, but you all, it's also sounds like you don't know for sure. - Yeah, I guess I am just afraid it's all gonna blow up in her face, but at the end of the day, it is her life. So. - Well, that's where you have to try to thread the needle. If you're, if you sit her down and be like, hey, we think he's a bad guy, he's a sex addict and you can't, what are you doing with your life? Then she might get defensive. If it starts from a place of, hey, I just want to check in. This happened like a year ago. And ever since then, we never really talked about it. And for all I know, you're the happiest you've ever been. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If you're right about her, right? That maybe she's not as happy as she is pretending to be, then telling her that she's not happy will make her defensive. And she will want to convince herself that she is happy. If you assume that she's happy, she might be like, well, actually, I'm not, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not, I'm not sister, you know? And you know what I'm saying? So I would come from a place of assuming what you are having a hard time believing, which is she has everything in her life that she wants. And just be like, yeah, it sounds like you're really happy, you know, you, how did you guys address this? Because that way she, she'll be maybe more prone to acknowledge that. I think I've been avoiding the conversation because I'm also like, I know too much and I don't want to know more. Like, what, what, can you give me some tea? Just, I mean, the fact that money was involved and, you know, there's this new show called The Double Lives of Suburban Lives and there's these, it just makes you wonder can someone really stop that life? And yeah, is she interested in that type? Maybe she did like change for him or, and then I'm just like, it's gross. I don't know, but yeah, I'm also, I get what you're saying. We're like, to each their own, I guess. Yeah, like I would not personally accept that in a partner. But it's not like, yeah, they weren't even dating so. But if, if you really believe that she was happy and she convinced you and you're like, okay, well, she's happy, could you accept him as your brother-in-law? As long as you know, she was safe and she was happy. Yeah. I don't know if you're watching the show, right? But this is the show about these Christian moms who have kids and they're all adult, all content creators with their husbands. This whole show is about like admitting to their conservative family members that they're doing this crazy shit. But like, you know, we've interviewed through these women. Honestly, they all seem happy. They're worried about their family judging them and they're worried about society, what they think, but they're content with their lives and they're happy. Let's say you turned on that show and all of a sudden your sister was part of the cast. Could you be happy for her and would you accept him? Yeah, I think that's an interesting question. Like if she is happy, I should be happy for her too. Yeah, I mean, as long as she's safe. I know, it's like blink twice. Yeah. OK. It's definitely a red flag that she went through his phone instead of just asking him. Because that-- Agreed. --that suggests that she's not comfortable, you know. Because in that moment, she had-- he wasn't lying to her person, you know, technically. And it would have been reasonable for her to ask. Are you sleeping with other people? Like, can we get on the same page? And he could have been-- and maybe he would have lied. But he could have been like, well, actually, I mean, no, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. And then, you know, I don't know. As far as you know, do you know, like, this-- when they decided to start dating, could he have agreed to stop all this? Or do you know anything about what decisions they made? I think they did agree. And I know that they went to therapy for-- I will say like a short window. OK. They went to therapy together. Or maybe she went separately. She said, that's what I mean. I don't know how much I want to be involved to ask those questions to her, because I do know so much. And I'm like, I'm going to draw the line somewhere for my personal mental well-being, but just because I'm excited to be like, what do you mean by that? Like, we are super close, her and I. So it hurts that she was so hurt by all this, finding all this information, like it hurt me. Sure, yeah. It's like finding out someone's cheating on you. But they weren't dating. So it's just-- it's a weird dynamic. But the way that she talks about it now is like, yeah, we've worked through that. And like, we're great. Things are great. OK. And-- But I don't know what specific stuff are. That's the disconnect, right? At the end of the day, you don't believe her when she says that. And you don't-- I mean it. But you don't know if that's you projecting your own personal opinions on her lifestyle and his choices. And you just have to be willing to have this conversation with your sister. And you have to try to do it in a way that it doesn't make her feel judged and get defensive. And like I said, I think the easiest way to do that is not to assume she's not happy and to genuinely ask and to assume that she is happy. And if she's not, she has a better chance of admitting to you that she's not when you assume that she's happy rather than assume that she's not. That makes sense. Yeah, no, I love that. It's like, oh, you must really love your job. You're making all this money. But actually, no, truth is, I fucking hate it. As opposed to if you would have-- oh, you must hate your fucking job. I would hate your job. Oh my god, I can't believe you do that. You know, a lot of times when I used to be in sales, right? Sales can be a very lucrative job. It can be great. But a lot of people don't, you know. Someone could say, and maybe I was feeling a certain way about getting hung up on the phone and getting rejected as a salesperson. But if someone was like, oh, how can you do that? In that moment, I would find a way to be proud of myself for overcoming the challenges of that job. And I would defend my job because someone's telling me I should hate my job. But if someone's like, oh, you must love your job. You make all this money. Then it makes me want to go, well, honestly, you don't know the half of it. Actually, yeah, the money's great. But boy, it's a fucking grind. You have to play the opposite game almost. Yeah, no, I like that. It sounds like you just have to have a hard-to-heart with your sister and just try to do it in a way that doesn't make her get defensive. You care about her, you love her. If she's happy, you're happy. You just want to make sure she's happy. And if she expresses, well, yeah, I'm really, it's going great, but I don't know. We haven't really talked about settling down. I still want to be a mom someday. You know, if she starts expressing that, that's a window into ask more questions. Don't immediately take that as, well, you're not going to get that with him. It's just like, all right, we'll have you talk to him about that, where are you at? And then kind of give her permission in the confidence and to say, you have a right to ask the stuff, you should ask it if you're not asking it. And then maybe that's, well, I'm afraid he's going to do, you know, and be like, well, that's an understandable concern. I get that, but you deserve to get these answers. If that's what's going to make you happy, you're not going to, you might be happy now, but you're not thinking about your happiness four years from now. And I just, as your sister, I want to make sure that you get everything that you deserve when it comes to your happiness. And you got to talk to her like that. Yeah. The pose to it, because you run the risk of making her feel judged for her decisions. And if you make her feel judged, she's going to get very defensive and she's going to push you away. But I will say she's also very judgmental to like any guy I've ever dated, who's never done anything remote. Well, that's the, that doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Yeah, you know, this isn't a comparison, you know, this isn't a, who's doing it? I know, I'm just like, if the roles were reversed. So what? Yeah, that's, that's, that's sister talk. That's, that's you, that's you guys competing. That's, that's not coming from a place of, as two adults, at this stage in life, you just want her to be happy. And recognizing that you're two different people, and you're going to make different choices. And your happiness isn't the same as her happiness. It used to make, you know, maybe there, you know, people do change. You don't know for sure whether she's happy. It makes a lot of sense why you're confused. You were weirded out by all these truths. And you, well, also, we're all gossiping about it, like all the time. You guys just stop, stop, stop. What good is it doing? No, I agree. It's just, I, it's just we're a gossipy family. So it's all, I hear you. I mean, like, oh, he's going to, we're going to meet him. Oh, boy, like, I don't know. It's just, it's just shot, it's truly like shocking. But yeah, we didn't, you know, I don't want to open that camera, can't, or worms, but, um, interesting. Sure. I think you have no other choice but to embrace them at this point. Yeah, I agree. If she feels like she has to defend him, she's going to. You don't want her to be defensive, because it's harder to get to the truth when someone is just defending their choices and their actions or defending those choices and the actions of the people they're investing in. Yeah, no, that's great advice. If she knows her family, so she knows they're probably gossipy and she knows, you know, and she's probably assuming correctly. You guys are shocking that she told us in the first place. I mean, that was probably a fight or flight moment. She probably didn't know what else to tell. She was probably in a state of panic and then she calmed down and she talked to him and he said what he had to say and she found a way to accept it, whether that was a healthy way or not, but you guys have to continue to create a safe space, because if you don't create a safe space for her to open up, she's not going to open up. And if she knows that you're gossipy, judgey family, she's going to continue to create this distance. So you've got to welcome her back, so to speak, and welcome him back and let him join the holidays. Oh, God. Yeah. She's her own person. And she's happy. I like what you're saying. Like if she's happy because I haven't even honestly asked myself that question. I'm just like, ew, how could she still be attracted to him? But yeah, you're right. If she's happy, and maybe she's not, I don't know, but the way to find out if she's not happy is to assume that she is, and let her tell you that she's not. Yeah. No, I like that. Okay. Okay. Thanks, Nick. All right. Thanks for the call. Bye. Bye. Bye. How's it going? Better now that I'm with you, King. Well, I appreciate you. What's your name? My name is Hanna, and I'm 31. How can I help? So my question is, when do I know if it's last call for my relationship? How many about your relationship? So I've made some questionable decisions in my life, but here's the most recent. My boyfriend, who is an alcoholic. We've been together about two years, and the entire time, well, you know, in the beginning, it's like there's no red flags. Everything's perfect. You look past any and everything that can be a prop. Well, there's a difference between there are no red flags, and you're looking past them. You're looking past them. Like you don't have them. You're perfect. You're everything I've ever wanted. So you acknowledge that you don't do that early on? No, I did do that. No, no, no, but you don't look for red flags. You just will pass them. Sometimes. Okay. This time specifically. Okay. Okay. So we work close to each other. Also, me add in, he's a bartender, so this helps none. You know, in the beginning, it was like, I've gotten out of a long-term relationship. He had also gotten out of one. And so we meet. We have fun. We're going out. I mean, I like to drink. I like to go out. It's fun every now and then. But it started becoming, well, once I really, really started to like him, actually, and thinking about like a future with him, I started thinking about just staying out to four o'clock in the morning. No text, no call. All right. Let's pause for it. How long have you guys been eating? About two years. Oh, two years. And you've been describing this entire relationship or early on in your relationship? This is like early on, but the problem is it happened then, but now he says because it happened. Yeah. I mean, it's like four, five o'clock in the morning. No text, no call. All right. Let's pause for it. About two years. This is like early on, but the problem is it happened then, but now he says because it happens less, he's doing better, and there's not really a problem anymore, but I said just because it's happening less. Let's focus on the now, right? So you've been in this guy for two years, yeah? Right. And you're thinking about ending this relationship? Correct. Okay. He has a drinking problem. Correct. Does he acknowledge that he has a problem? Yeah. He does. He'll spin it sometimes around on me and make it my problem. I guess what I'm asking. Has he point blank been like, I understand this is a problem and I don't know if I'm ready to tackle it now, but I know it's a problem. He doesn't. Does he say that ever? Yeah. He'll say that. But then in like two weeks, he turns around and does the same stuff that he promised he'd never do again. So I'm more focused on just the acknowledgement of the drinking, not necessarily actions of which I'm sure there are many, but he has done that. Yes. Okay. But to your point, it sounds like his behavior is also a problem regardless of his drinking. Right. I mean, what are some of the things that he's doing? He's staying out like, like, as he being uncomfortable. Dang out, lying about how much he's drinking, like I just recently went on a Bachelorette trip. I was on Bender while I was on the Bachelorette trip and he lies. It's like he shook her coat's things. He'll be like, oh, I only had a shot and a beer. Is it all around the drinking or is he lying about all the things? And that's the thing because with how much he drinks, I don't know what he's doing. I'm in bed by like nine o'clock, shut my eyes fully in rim by nine thirty. I hear you, but just to focus on the question, the does he? I understand that, like, it sounds like maybe he drinks so much that you, you don't trust his behavior and maybe he's not aware of his actions, which is a problem. But do you know of any situation where he's lying about who he's hanging out with or how he's spending his money regardless if he's drinking or not? Is he lying about other things outside of how much he is drinking or not drinking? I have no idea. So no, to your knowledge. To my knowledge now. You know you he's lying about the drinking, right? Correct, all right, but I don't know about anything else, but it so it sounds like you don't trust him. No, I don't, just because he's, it all comes back to alcohol. I mean, like alcohol is the reason he's lied to me. And he always says to you, he's like, well, I was thinking of you while I was out. I was talking about you while I was out, like, that doesn't help me feel any better. And again, is your frustration around the drinking always? So I guess my opinion on your situation is like because from what I'm hearing, that you think he has a drinking problem, you're probably, let's assume you're probably right. And that really bothers you. And while he's addressed his problem, he actually, while he's acknowledged his problem, he hasn't addressed his problem. And his behavior while he's drinking makes you uncomfortable, starting with the lying about the drinking, which if he actually has a problem is not to give him a pass is you, I guess, expected, since he hasn't addressed it, and he, but he knows it's a problem. And my guess is that makes sense that, you know, it's a normal, sadly, a normal behavior of people with drinking problems who know it's a problem, but haven't been willing to actually face the problem. Right. But either way, it really bothers you and it causes you, understandably so, not to trust him because, you know, you know, that it changes his behavior and you just don't know how much of a problem and how much of a, he's at the mercy of his, of this vice, which is understandable. And the question, you just have to ask yourself, you know, because there might be someone out there and I don't, I'm not saying one's better than the other, that could be more patient. And I don't say this is like that, that you should be more patient or empathetic. And sometimes people are, I think, are too patient and too empathetic, but you could, someone who was more prone to making excuses for their partner, they could say, well, listen, the drinking is a problem. I'm glad they've acknowledged it. Clearly, they're not willing to deal with it. And again, be like, well, he's only lied to me about the drinking and well, that's not okay. I guess I understand why he does that. Again, not okay, but I haven't, they've never lied to me about anything else. And, and that person could be, and if they were to ask my advice, I mean, at least I can tell you what to be okay with. I'd be careful how much empathy and praise you, give them. But if you're okay with waiting, then, you know, it sounds like at least there's no other red flags. In your case, his drinking really makes you uncomfortable and it causes you not to trust him. And that makes sense. But it doesn't sound like he's willing to address it yet. And the question you have to ask yourself is, how long are you, you know, you're asking how long do I stay? It's just, it's a matter of, it's, I throw that back to you. Like he, I assume it's probably not going to get fixed anytime soon. No. I don't think so. And that's, it's really sad because I've given so much, I've been so patient and I'm willing to work with somebody if they can work with me. Yeah. But I just feel like, listen, if he really has a problem, it is a sickness, it is the disease. And I know that. And it, but it's, listen, it's also not your problem. And I'm not expecting, I'm not expecting, you know, but like what I'm saying is to help yourself move on, it, it doesn't do you any good to give yourself credit for the, you know, like he has a problem. He has a sickness and he's not, he's not willing to work with you yet. And he's probably not capable of it. So you just kind of, you have to own how much you were willing to give this relationship. You knew it was a problem from the jump or a pretty, pretty or, well, whatever. So don't do them the future. And next time if you can acknowledge, it can be good. It can be the honeymoon phase, but like red flags are, red flags are red flags and don't pretend they don't exist. But don't get mad at him for how patient you were willing to be about something. You knew was a problem from the beginning. That's not, that's not his fault. - No, yeah, I've just never dated someone with addiction. I have family members who are alcoholic, so I've seen the effects that can have in your family, but dating one, I just like, I can't even, and I know it's not my fault. I can't fix him, you know, in the beginning to him, like, oh my God, I can fix him, he's perfect. I'll make him just what I want. And maybe that's my problem too, I'm a fixer. I don't know, I'm not sure. - Well listen, we all like to fix people, and it's always good, you know, we want to believe that we have a positive effect on people, and I think that's okay to a certain extent. But like, you try to do it with something that is a literal disease. And people, you know, spend thousands of dollars and get professional help, and still don't always conquer this disease. And if you, you know what I'm saying, that's a whole other level of. - No, that's a whole other, I've seen it in family members. So, and that's why I think I've been so patient, because I know that sometimes people want to do good for themselves, they just don't know how, or they're just not ready. But when it's affecting my life, the way that it is, I don't know if I can do it anymore. It doesn't sound like you can, yeah. - When I got back from the trip, this is his mindset. When I'm here throughout the week, I'm like his sponsor almost. He's like, I'm here to hold him accountable. So he says, when you're here, I don't drink. But when I go out of town, what's the problem? 'Cause you're not here. So I should be able to do what I want to do, because you're not here. - I mean, yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Except that, to me that tells me he doesn't, hasn't really acknowledged a problem, and he just thinks you have a problem with his drinking, and he doesn't think it's a problem. - Right, I'm always the problem. Like when we get into arguments and stuff, he is really good at like spinning it around. - But when he does that, does that do you, like again, like if I were dating someone like him, and I, it would make me feel good if he at least acknowledged it, like you say he did. - But that's like bare minimum. I forget about, I mean, not for a person with a disease. That's a big step. - Okay, yeah. - I'm just saying, you know, they say that the first problem is the first, you know, that's a big step. - No, it is, for sure. - Nevertheless, if he were to then say, well, I don't know what the problem is when you're not around, that tells me he doesn't actually think it's a problem. He thinks it's only a problem because you have a problem with it. And if he actually said that, if I'm you, I would then check back in to be like, wait, do you not think you're drinking as a problem? - He'll acknowledge it and be like, I understand it's a problem. But it's like, I don't, I think this is what's confusing too. - Well, there are some people who are able, - Right. - I think to acknowledge they have a drinking problem. And maybe they can even acknowledge that it's torn their family apart, it's ruined their career opportunities. It's destroyed their life. And yet, they're still maybe not capable of addressing that problem and actually getting sober. They can still recognize the destruction it's caused. Some people with a drinking problem, like, are again, are mostly in denial. Like, yes, they have people complain to them, they have people make accusations, they have people call them out for their drinking problem, but they always have an excuse. And it's really, it's not a problem for them. It, you know, maybe, you know, there's, I've had friends who are like, you know, I am my own professional opinion. It was like, they had a drinking problem. But for the most part, they maintain jobs and friendships. And every once in a while, they got to obnoxious and they drank a little too much. But it didn't destroy their life, you know? And it can still be a problem. Some people can still recognize that's a problem because ultimately, you know what I'm saying? That's, there's all these different scenarios. It doesn't sound like he actually thinks it's affecting his life except his relationship 'cause his girlfriend has a big problem with it. - Yeah, that, I mean, that's right. His personal life, besides me, is great. He loves his job, which obviously that's another thing. He's a bartender. He's like round out, that's his job. - He doesn't think it's a problem for him. - No. - Okay, well then that's a, even, that's a bigger red flag for you. Because that means he's not gonna address it anytime soon. He's just, he's looking to manage you in your frustrations. - Yeah, that's what it feels like. 'Cause every time he's like, I swear I'm not gonna do it again. I'm done drinking, I'm whatever. And then he'll backtrack and be like, well, if it's like a birthday or if it's like a holiday or like, then you know, I'll have a drink or, you know. - Well, do you care if he has a drink? - That's the thing is like, I wish that we could go to dinner and have a drink or like on a special occasion, but it spirals after that. 'Cause he tried to do a dry January. He made it 19 days. I went out of town, he broke the 19. It's like, he can only stay sober. - If I'm sober. - Yeah, I think you kind of hit on the head. I mean, I think you decided the day to project and I think it appealed to you more than you're acknowledging and now you're just kind of fed up. But I don't think this is gonna change. And you, I think have to ask yourself, I think you kind of like it on some level. - Why you say that? - You kind of enjoy telling the story, so there's that, you know. - Well, I talked about it a lot, so. - No, and listen, we like to talk about, and listen, I've no judgment. But there are some, if you listen to the show, some people call it and like, lost and really, you know, and you have a nice demeanor to you and you're, you know, it's, you tell it from a more dramatic way, which is also totally fine. Which tells me, and that doesn't take away, I'm sure this has been frustrated. I'm sure you've had some dark times. I'm sure you're really at your wit's end. But to the fixer in you, you also don't mind patting yourself on the back for how patient you've been, how understanding and how empathetic you've been, and that makes you feel good. - I have to say nice things about myself sometimes. - Sure, but let's make sure that, like, it's not, you're not doing that to mask a problem that is ultimately not making you happy. - No, for sure, but like, I think I have to find like, I'm somebody too who like, I have to laugh about situations sometimes, even if very serious. - I think when this episode comes out, you should listen to this episode. - Uh-huh. - Because I think a lot of people listening to this episode will be like, everything you said about the relationship, the answer to your question is obvious. You called them being like, "When's enough enough?" And anyone listening is gonna be like, "Girl." - Oh, for sure, I'm cooked, bro, I'm sick. - Yeah, but I want you to listen to it back as a listener, and just be like, "I don't know who this girl is," and think about what you would tell this girl in the call. - Yeah, you either gonna address it or you're not. - Yeah, I mean, I've set clear boundaries. I think calling in though makes me say it all out loud in a way, maybe I have it, because when I talk to people about it, it's just in like sections. You know, it's not all the big picture all at once. So I think, I don't know, it's like, I know what I need to do, obviously, but it's hard still, like-- - Sure, you care about 'em, it's two years of your life. - Love him, I care about him. We've been through a lot together in the past two years, you know, my family loves him, which was not the case in my previous relationship. I think it just sucks too. I have all these boundaries in my head, and then I say them out loud, but I can't stick to 'em. Like, he's moved out of my house. Now he lived here, but he didn't pay rent, and then when I asked for rent, he moved out. - Okay. - So he doesn't live here anymore, it's just, and I'm like, oh, you can't come back. Well, his car's in the driveway, run out of his bag. So I can't like stick to what I say. - How old are you again? - 31. - You're old enough to know better. - Of course. - Well. - Of course. But I still just, like I said in the beginning, I make questionable decisions sometimes. - Sure, but the question you have to, how much do you actually care? Do you know that meme or am I the problem? - Am I the problem, do you think I'm the problem? Tell the truth, just tell me. - For sure, but I think you get a kick out of it. I think you get a kick out of it. - I have to keep life funny. - Sure, yeah, yeah. You can keep life funny and interesting, but at the end of the day, this is your life. - It is. - You only get one. And by all means, have the interesting life and the funny story, that's why I'm a big believer that every wedding, you want some drama, you want someone to get in a fight, it's great. It makes for a great story, as long as it doesn't affect the wedding. I'm here for all, I'm here for the drama. But your choice is mattering your life and keep a good demeanor. But like when the answers to your problems in your life are obvious, and as you get older, they become more and more important. You get less and less second chances to get it right. And to whatever degree, you have relationship goals. You have to actually make decisions to meet those goals and laughing about the drama. Well, eventually, it's easier and funny when you're in your early 20s. When you're-- - Right. - And-- - But now I'm 31. I have to start thinking about my life, seriously. - Yeah, the answers are obvious. And the only reason, you have to ask yourself why you're not making the obvious answer. For someone who's obviously smart and self-aware, and I think you just-- - I think you enjoy the drama a little bit more. And I think you-- - Let me like a book. - You signed up for this-- - And I just met you. - You signed up for this relationship, knowing that you could feel good about yourself, to make him, you know, it's just like, whatever relationship you end up, you don't wanna be the nag, you don't wanna be the one, you don't wanna be his mom. - No, I don't wanna feel that way. - But you like it. And the someone who you can recognize that you're the fixer, you have to stop yourself. You're getting used to critiquing your partner. - And I don't wanna be that way. - And your next partner, hopefully, they don't have a drinking prom, but they will have flaws. And you don't wanna be the person who's made it a habit of-- - Just saying that this is wrong, this is wrong. You could do better with this, you could do better with this. I've never been like this in a relationship though, but like I said, it's like I've never been with someone who has a drinking problem. So this is like a first time, and maybe that's why-- - Yeah, but that's like, that's like, you know, again, I've never been with someone who's a drinking problem, and I still feel confident in the advice I gave you in the sense that you know it's a problem. You're saying it as if like, well, you know, how was I supposed to know? - What was me? - Yeah, listen, but you're making excuses for choices you don't wanna make. - That sounds right, that sounds right. Unfortunately, this episode was just you humbling me. - Thank you so much. - But it's your, listen, it's your life, and you deserve a good one, and the good news is, is like, you're aware of the choices you need to make. You just have to start making 'em. - It's just really difficult, and we, you know, where our lives are kind of intertwined in a lot of ways. We work very close to each other. So I'll still be thinking this person on maybe a day-to-day basis. I think that's why it's so hard for me to really like cut it off. - I know it's hard. You have to start by not romanticizing it and the way that you do. - We could be friends, for sure. - You can be friends. You have to write to be angry at both yourself and him for not making the changes that needed to be made for this wish to work, and you have to write to get angry and mourn this loss, but like, yeah, if you wanna get over it and you wanna move on, you have to do the whole grieving process and not be friends with them. It's the same thing, he lived with you, and then he moved out, and now he's just doing the whole like it has spent nights in my girlfriend's house, 'cause he's not officially living with you, and now you can't, you know, it's a loophole. So you being friends of them is just another loophole for to do whatever it is you guys do. But again, you know that, you know that. So you're, you know, you just have to decide whether you're gonna do it. - True, I guess, right. - Let us know what you end up doing. - I'll keep in touch. - All right. - I hope you're good. - I'm great, I'm great. - You need to ask me anything, we can reverse roles. - I'm good right now. But I appreciate you, and thanks for calling, and listen, I mean, I mean it, like you deserve to be happy, and I think you know what you need to do. - You're right, I'll keep you updated. - All right, I appreciate you. - Well, we're seven good day. - All right, you too, bye-bye. - Bye. - How's it going? - Good, how are you? - I'm Beth, and I'm 35, and I'm in therapy, but my boyfriend is not, and so I guess I'm trying to figure out if that is sustainable long-term to stay connected. - What's your therapist thing? - I mean, she said a few things, like, he's a little unwell. - Who's a little unwell? - He is, but she also doesn't know him, so I think she's just saying that based off of some of his reactions and arguments that we've had. - Is she being sarcastic, or is she saying, - I think so, yeah, I don't think she's this dude's unwell, and you need to get away from him. He's not toxic at that level, but there are just little things and arguments that are a bit childish, and we're just such different people, and I do a lot of work on myself, and he doesn't. And so I feel like that's the only thing that's not clicking. - Well, I mean, I guess let's just try to unpack it and see if we find anything. It is kind of humorous that you don't know if your therapist is being literal or sarcastic, and while I think it's great to have a good reporter that therapist, I feel like she called your boyfriend mentally unwell, it sounds like, 'cause he's not physically unwell. - He's not physically no, and like, he's been diagnosed to have depression, but he doesn't have anything about it. - So when she's saying he's unwell, is she speaking to that? - Yes. - Okay, all right, that makes more sense, okay. - Yeah. - But the basis of your problem, it sounds like, is you feel like at 35 years old, which is like, yeah, that's kind of that decade where you're not 20 anymore, you feel age coming, like you have a sense of perspective at 30, and you've chosen to be like, I could probably do a better job at life or decisions than I maybe did in my 20s, and I wanna do the work, and your boyfriend's kind of like, nah, from your perspective, that's how you feel. - Yeah, and it's not that he's just like this sad dude that's like moping around all the time or like, I don't know, he just, I notice it in conflict, and it's hard to get to like center point, or like a, you know, because there isn't the emotional intelligence there, I suppose. - When your therapist says he's unwell, is that empathy from her? Were like, is she trying to say, hey, your needs are valid, but I don't know if your boyfriend's capable because he's unwell, or do you know? - I think it's somewhat sarcastic, but I think it's also she's just trying to help me like, be confident in my awareness of him, and like, you know, he has, he's an army veteran, and so he has been clinically diagnosed, and he's not doing anything to actively like work through those things, except for like disassociating and probably eating bad. So I don't think she's like, you don't need to be with this dude 'cause he's unwell. I think she's like, this is the fact, he is unwell, he has been diagnosed, and he isn't doing anything to like improve or work on that for himself. And so if this is a man I wanna like have kids with and have a life with, like, it's a big concern, and it kinda like makes my chest tight. - Yeah, I mean, you provided a lot more context, right? Serving in the military is a very, you know, it's a, again, it's the sacrifices as I say, but, you know, there are some great risks, obviously, and it can affect one's mental health, and that needs to be taken seriously. And it scares you because I think you're aware of like the seriousness potentially, you know, who knows? I mean, there's, again, millions of, millions, thousands of veterans suffer from this, not all of them do horrible things, but like, I think, you know, it's one of those things you have to take seriously, right? Like, if you're, and I'm not trying to put anything on your partner, you know, let me backtrack a little bit before, I don't wanna, hope I'm not trying to, like, paint a picture. It's just, I imagine it's scary that you recognize this obvious problem. You see it affect him, which is, like, it's deeper than, like, again, you're someone who's just like, like, anyone is just like, listen, I don't know, when I was 20, I did some dumb shit, and I feel like I've learned some lessons, and I just wanna maybe make better decisions, and when I get emotional, you know, when I was younger, I would react that I'd make bad decisions off of my emotions, and I don't wanna keep doing that anymore. You know, like, that's, you know, and we want that for ourselves, we want that for our partners. Your fears, your concerns are obviously deeper than that, because there's this obviously diagnosed mental health challenge that he has. It's easily connected to something he did. There's a whole lot of data, a lot of information on that, and you want him to face that, and he doesn't want, and that's scary. It sounds like, no, a bit more context with your therapist. It sounds like, yeah, she's just trying to make you very aware of your situation. - Yeah, and I've been married before, like, 10 years ago, super young, it was super abusive, and I don't wanna end up in a position where, like, I'm there again, and I've done so much work, like I've gotten sober. I've just done so much work over the last 10 years, that I'm like, this decision feels like so much pressure, and it's like, every, I don't mean to be getting upset, but it's like-- - No, please. - It's a-- - I kind of like looking at every little argument, or like, every little thing, and being, like, a fuck is this it, or like, is this a reason not to continue this? Like, we're talking about moving in together. We've been together for a year, and we're talking about moving in together in, like, December, January, and I just feel the weight of, like, all these conversations, and, like, I've tried to communicate with him about my concerns about his mental health and his self-care, and the first time I did it, I delivered it really wrong, and it was not polite, and so I didn't talk about it for, like, a couple months. Then the other day, I brought it up, we got in an argument, and I could tell that, like, the argument wasn't even about the argument. He was stressed at work, he was projecting other shit, and it was just, like, dude, you need to figure this out. Like, you can't even have one little, like, hiccup in the relationship, or, like, a miscommunication, and then it not really go to this big thing. Our fights have gotten better and better. Like, we've been able to actually connect after them, and, like, hear each other out, and it's not like you did this, you did this. It's like, okay, you reacted this way, and that's okay. I reacted this way, and that's okay. But, like, let's, we can't speak to each other that way. Or, like, let's implement this. Or, like, let's, I'll adjust my tone. My tone sucks ass sometimes. So, we're going to start with the first one. I don't know. I'm just like, I feel like it's a lot, but I don't know. No, I mean, get it out. Yeah. Get it out. Your answer to your question is, if you want it to be not that complicated. Yeah. And what I mean by that, because, you know, like taking out matters of the heart, so to speak, is that your fears outside of all the specifics and all the context is that, you know, if anything we've learned about like just, you know, all the therapy awareness and some of us have chosen to take advantage of that and, you know, I think it has pros and cons. But like, we have learned, you know, in relationships, but like, it's really hard to make a relationship work. All of us think about relationships a lot more pragmatically than we did even 20 years ago or, you know, maybe almost a little too much, but this idea of like, you know, you get, you just, you got married. That's what you did. Like, when you're a kid, like, this is what you do. Why do you do it? I don't know. It's what you do because you have kids and like, why do you do it? Because this is what you do. You know, and like, that's just how we lived our life, right? And back in the, you know, back in the 50s and 60s, people just stayed married because it's like, this is what you did. And you hated each other. You got different, you know, you'd be married for 20 years and you, you move out, but you don't move out. You get separate bedrooms like my grandparents that, you know, it's just like, and then we don't, we realize, oh, we don't have to do that. You can get to, you know, this is all to say. Now, when we think about marriage, you're like, wow, that's a relationship that I, I still want it for those of us who choose to want to be married. And then it's just like, wow, that takes work because like a whole lifetime, I mean, I'm sick, sick of this person after six months. And it's just like, okay, fine. But I still want this. I see the value in like a life partner. I want to grow old with someone. I want to build a family. I want to like, you know, so it's like you, you make these decisions. But like, I need to find someone who is willing to do the work with me because I know, and I, you know, there's examples all over the world, regardless of like, to make a marriage work, you have to be a team. To be a team, you have to work together. You have to have both parties participating in that, in that challenge. And that, and it's highlighted when someone recognizes that and then someone who doesn't. And that's a situation you're in, right? And, and what I mean by simple is like that, regardless of your situation in the obvious context in which which is nuanced, and it makes your decision heavier and harder to like maybe process. The person in relationship like you who just wants to do the work and is bumping up against their partner and having fights and feeling disconnected. And, and their partner is just like, not willing to do anything about it and, and just kind of muscle through things. You know, I'm saying same challenge different context. If you know, nothing, you, you, you must have that, you know, like, it's just like, if you want, you, and you're someone who's already lived through what it's like to get married and have it not work out, which I imagine is why you're, you're far more like, you recognize like, you know, it sounds like he was far worse than not perfect. But like, you at least recognize despite being a victim in that situation that you still are like, I could probably still be a better partner, regardless of how bad that partner was. And, and you recognize that. It's almost impossible, if not very hard, to just make a, a long term relationship work if you don't have that. And finding a way to get to through to him is obviously your challenge, you know, and then there's the all the other, you know, then there's the context of your relationship, which is, you know, yeah, it's how do you find a way to get through to him, you know, how do you find that tone? I imagine you guys it sounds like you're in this tough spot that again, many relationships are where you're at your widths end, you're both easily triggered. Obviously, you've done some work. So when you get triggered, you can at least somewhat process it. But like, you're not all the way there plus you're still in this fight or flight mode because it's the relationship you're in. You can do all the work in the world, but like you're still human. And then you get in a fight, you say something, he gets triggered. But now he's triggered. And that's a holy, it's a whole different experience. Yeah. But you're still triggering him. And you still haven't figured out how to not trigger him. And we don't even know if it's possible to not trigger him. Right. Yeah. And I think it is possible to not trigger him. Like I do think it gets continually better and better and easier and easier to talk about difficult things or to say, Hey, your tone, turn it off. Like it's nasty. And I just, what's his friends? What is front? Does he have friends? Yeah, he's has he's super close with his two older brothers. And he does talk to them a ton. And he has like three other really good guy friends. He travels her work. He's a consultant. And so he isn't home a lot. He travels Monday through Thursday. And then he's here on the weekends. And so he talks like he video games. So he talks to them on discord or whatever. Okay. Which I think is a little bit dissociating. But I think too, like he, what do you mean just associating the video game thing? Like it used to be a problem for the relationship. And I was like, are you just associating and not like I just started playing video games again? I'm saying that I joined a maddenly. I'm on discord. It's like I, it's the whole thing. It gives my wife the worst. I also think she recognizes that like I'm surrounded by women constantly love. I mean, I love my life. I'm so grateful. I have my daughters in my mother-in-law's here. Anyways, it's just good to, I think whether you call it disassociating or disconnecting or unplugging, whatever it is, like everything in moderation. I don't let this hobby I've picked up that gives my wife to come in between being a father, being a partner. I find my moments. I ask for permission. Yada, yada, yada. But I do think disconnecting can be a healthy thing, especially when you're, you know, everyone needs this thing. I know too. Yeah. And I think I've changed my perspective on it just because I realize how much he does talk to his brothers on there and is talking to his like army guys. And it's important. That's otherwise I don't think he talked to them. And so, and I want him to have friends and like other things, you know. Do you feel like he has the type of relationships with these men, his brothers or his friends? Again, like, you know, support groups for vets, you know, it's like to whatever degree he's aware, or it's, you know, when he's pushed down his fears, but I imagine he would be very sensitive to the idea that his mental health challenges are so messed up that he would even be capable of doing harm to anyone he loves, whether that's emotionally or physically. And hearing that from you could be very triggering. Your ability to communicate that to him without making it feel like an accusation might, might be impossible. You know, it's very, and I guess it makes me wonder if like, I'm hearing you talk and then I think to myself, I wish I was your husband's friend. I don't know your husband. I don't know what it's like to be in the military. But like, I'm sure he knows what he knows what it's like to rise to the occasion. You know, he knows what's like to step up. He knows, you know, like literally be a hero. Right. And I, it's like, how does he get through to like, this is your next challenge. And his next challenge is to deal with his shit. And how does he get, he needs to be motivated, not shamed into getting the help he needs. And you might need help from the, his community. And that, like, it's just a guess on my part. I'm definitely not an expert, you know, and stuff like this. But like, I just want this, you know what I'm saying? Like, if I'm just trying to oversimplify your situation. Yeah. And he said the word motivated. He was like, I'm just not motivated to work out. Or, and he was like, he said he would go to couples therapy before we got married. Cause I think that's important for me this time around. Like, I want to do pre-marital counseling just to have all the conversations before I actually get married. And so I feel like that is a positive sign that he will even go to a couple of therapists. Yeah. I do think a lot of the issues are like, I have my shit. I do. But I do think, oh, he needs to learn some more tools himself. And he keeps saying like, when we move in together that he's going to get into his rhythm of like, when I met him, he was working out every day. He was journaling. And that is enough for me for self care. Like, I don't think you need to go to therapy. If you're like doing these, like, physical and emotional things of journaling and, you know, working out. And it's not the weight of it all at all. It's just like, can I jump in? Yeah. Everything you're saying makes sense. And it's how you're feeling. It seems totally valid. But just to the kind of reiterate my point, like hearing you talk and it makes sense because that's how you feel. It's just like, and that's what I'm saying. Right now, he doesn't have the motivation. Maybe this is a bad analogy because I'm just thinking in sports. So just bear with me. If I were a coach of a team and I had a player who just like lacked his own personal motivation, right? Which I'm assuming is something a coach deals with. How do we try to motivate that person who, for whatever reason, isn't motivated by their own self interests? Yeah. Right? I would appeal to his like, empathy to others and his desire to be a team mate, you know? And if I were talking to your husband, I wouldn't, if he was like, I'm just not motivated to do it. Right now, you want to, it's like, I understand you want to see him have that motivation. And so when you give him the feedback, it's more about like why I want him to do this for himself. And yes, people need to change for themselves. I hear that. But I would appeal to his like, you got to do this for your family. Okay, you're not motivated right now. Your challenge isn't to find the motivation to do it for yourself. You need to fix your family. Your partner is asking for help. And it's you, you need to, that's your motivation, you know? Yeah. What do you want for your life? You know, get your shit together, you know, as your brother, as your friend, we need, you know, and you need to do this, you know, for others in a way to, you know, so that he can find that purpose. Your challenge. Because you want to give them feedback, you know, like, you know, I think all men can understand this because yeah, you know, we're tend to be logical and when our partners want to, you know, vent. We want to fix things and we come up solutions and sometimes I meant, you know, I'm sure as a woman, you know, that's like to talk to a man who's this like, and then while we're trying to fix things, it just sounds like we're just being critical. It's almost like, you know, the feedback is well, no more sounds like, well, hey, stupid. Why didn't you do it this way? And you're just venting and you're just all you want is empathy and just be like, yeah, that the fucking sucks don't, you know, right? And I think right now your partner needs a little bit of that, right? You're trying to offer solutions to his problems and I think he just, he knows he probably has problems type of things. And so finding out how to appeal to, you know, you know what I'm saying? And I think every guy, but especially it sounds like him just making him think you believe, how do you, how do you motivate him while making him, let him know that you believe in him without making him feel like he's doing something wrong. It's very difficult in your position to try to thread that needle. Yeah, and I think I've struck out a couple times. I think this last time I delivered it way softer and kinder and then didn't keep going into the conversation. It was just like, I'm worried about you and I think you're sad and I, whatever I can do to help support you in making better decisions for yourself, like, let me know because I'm here. I like, I hate that you're sad. I don't want to see this way. Do you ever should sugarcoat these conversations with compliments and praise? I could do better. I could be better about that for sure. I think that's really important in these contexts. You got to, you kind of, you've got to let him know what he's doing right. Yeah, because he doesn't know you so much right and more right than, and I don't want to say wrong. It's just like difficult, I guess. Yeah, I get it. So be even gentler and more praise and all I'm saying is when you're trying to communicate your frustrations to him, which I recognize, you're in a very difficult spot. Like, you know, it's, it's tough for anyone to do in the context you shared. It may be even tougher. All I'm saying is is that when you, if you are going to attempt to do this, it's just really important. This guy believes in himself and this, it's really important. This guy and hearing praise from the people people he loves the most is the most meaningful. Right. And any of us, when we're getting feedback from people, we want to be proud of us. We want to, we want to love them. It cuts extra deep when we just hear even if it's coming from a good place of what we're not doing right. Compliments sandwich, you know, it's just like, if you're going to give a note, let them know, like, I really appreciate your hard work. You really fucked up here. But again, you are a value member of this team. You cannot do that. But like, we've learned that like sometimes just talking at someone doesn't do the job. And none of us like just talking for the sake of talking. So that I'm just, I'm just, that's what I mean. I'm not just saying, like, just go compliment your partner for the sake of complimenting him. It's just like, how do you get through to him? I also think to whatever degree, he, this might be something that will be hard to doing your own on your own. And I think, you know, his, his, the men in his life, I'm glad to hear that he has them. I don't know how you throw that needle. I don't know your relationship with these other men are, but like, I think he needs to hear it. Support, praise, and concern from just other people other than you. He's so private. He grew up with immigrant parents and then also being in the army. And he's just like so private that I'm concerned if I reached out to his brother on discord. Because sometimes we talk about AI stuff on there and like, I'll hop on chat. But I feel like he'd think I'm, yeah, you don't want to go behind his back. Yeah, just try to talk to him and just without giving him any notes about what he's doing wrong. I do think, hey, you know, you for me, like, just try the us and we stuff. Try to appeal. I don't feel like we use that. It's like when I see him three days a week, you know, and it's like, we want to be having fun. And like, I'm not going to talk to him at 10 o'clock when he gets off work on Tuesday. Like that is not, I tried that before. It's not the time to connect. I also feel pressure with the time limits that we have. And then it's like, you're going to move in and, you know, December, January, which I want. But why can't you get in the rhythm now? Why can't you try to implement some things now? Cause then you're living in my house and like, I, I don't. That's fair. Right. I think you it's fair to have that conversation. I know I don't know this man. I've never, you know, but he was in the military and military people prep and plan. He understands the concept that you don't just figure it out after you're in the battle. So to speak and like not to use, use military war references, but relationships or a battle, you know, it's a fight, you know, it's, it's a challenge and appeal to that. Or it's just like, yo, I love you. I want this. We have, you know, I just, I want to feel better about where we're at. And I want us to work on things. And I need to know we are both willing to do that. And I don't want to wait till after removed in. And I just, you know, I want to do this together. And will you do this with me? It's really important to me. And, you know, and try to appeal to that, try to appeal to his like, again, hero, do this for you. Not, not shame him into why I won't you do this. What's wrong with you? You know what I'm saying? Just try, try that. And maybe like on a Saturday, even though it could like risk us having a good weekend. It's like, let's just have it when he's rested and be gentle. Like listen, don't push, you know, when you start it, just try it out. Try it out. See how it responds. If he doesn't, you know, if he, again, really focus on the us and we stuff. But if he still gets triggered, pull back. And then try, try it, you know, try again, but again, be focused on the us and we again. I'm no, but just try it out, you know, and just again, you want to appeal to your pleading. You're asking for help. It's the same thing. You call up customer service, you know, if you call up and you're just like, I fucking hate you guys blah, blah, blah. You're going to get you're going to get someone who's just like battling. If you call up and it works all the time, you're just like, your first words on your mouth is, oh my god, I need your plea. I really need your help to that customer service people. You get a whole different experience. You're like, I can be someone's hero today. And I want you to appeal to like asking for his help and is opposed to what's wrong with you? Yeah. Okay. That's a better approach. I can definitely try that. Yeah. I mean, he does keep showing up. And like there are so many things that he has worked on. Just like, I don't want to always be teaching you how to call him your nervous system or whatever. Like, I'm not. I know. And it's not in listen. And like I said before, your answer to your question is simple in the sense that you take out the matters of the heart. If you want to feel justified for deciding to leave this relationship, if he's unwilling to do the work, you know, listen, like you have your relationship most likely won't be successful. And that would be crazy for you to commit to a lifelong relationship knowing that the chances of it being successful are slim to none. And if he's not willing to do that, you have your answer. But you do love him. You care about him. You want to make this work. So you're willing to fight for it and you're willing to take some swings. And then you'll just have to decide enoughs enough. But like if he is unwilling to make these changes, you can't, you can't move things forward. That would be crazy. It would be. And I've done that before and ignored shit. And it's like it blew up in my fucking face. And I'm, yeah, I'm not going to do that again. So again, various different situations. But one thing I've always felt good about my decisions and relationships. I've been a fighter. I've stayed in relationships longer than I felt like we're probably worth it. But I have no regrets because when I was done, I know I tried. So like, yeah, you know, so the most piece of my you can have is to like try and you'll probably try maybe even longer than you should. But like if you decide to leave, you will know. It wasn't a matter of you fucking trying. Yeah, that's true. And you will have that piece. That'll, that'll help you move forward. Okay. Well, this helps. I appreciate it. It's tough. I'm sorry. That's okay. I mean, it's just like, is this a shit I want to deal with for the rest of my life or not? No. I just need a little effort. I need a little trying. That's it. And it matters so much because like mine and my relationship and we have a great relationship. It's far from perfect. It has its challenges. The thing that makes me feel the most secure in my relationship is feeling and knowing. Mostly feeling, but it turns it turns into knowing because I see the action is that like my wife's in it that that, you know, there might be moments where we're resistant to therapy, mostly because we're busy and it's just like, but like I just know that like she cares about this connection and that like when it gets bad, she's willing to do her part and she's willing to recognize he's half of the. And that makes me feel secure because we both show that we know that like from time to time, we might have to do that and that is great security because we can't predict the future. We don't know what challenges are going to come our way. We don't know when we're going to have good or bad years, but we know at least in this moment we're both willing to fight for it and you need that security or that capability. That recognition and that's really important. I mean, it's honestly like probably the number that's like it's the most important for sure. Okay. Well, I do think this helped, and I'm going to have a gentle conversation with him and not come at it in a shame or like what's wrong with you, but as a team because I do, we haven't quite like fallen into that team like level yet. I mean, it's been a year and like we do operate like a team to a certain extent because they're still like living apart and like haven't. It's also tough for when yeah, like, you know, no, no, it was easy for now and I because we live together. We both, I guess you could say works, we were a home a lot, you know, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't, we traveled, we did a lot together and then we started working together and we had kids together and it's just like it's, yeah, that can be a good or a bad, it's been good for us because it's a lot, yeah, we've really leaned in the team thing and that is a challenge for you because you guys don't have that, but you can still recognize that you both want that. Yes, we do. And then, you know, and that's, and that's the starting point because in it's not blaming anyone for their schedule. It's just like it's not, it's not applying, hey, we, let's us, this is our situation. It is what it is. No one's fault, but we both want something different and something more and let's just say, how do we get there? Given our situation and like just seeing the effort from both sides, hopefully we'll come out. Okay. Yeah. Keep us posted. Okay. I will. Thank you so much. All right. All right, take care. Thank you. All right.