Amber is in a new, slow-burn relationship with a man who has little dating experience and is socially reserved. While he has shown interest through actions like inviting her to a wedding, he has struggled to define their relationship, avoiding labels like "exclusive" or "boyfriend/girlfriend." Amber, who has a history of toxic relationships, is uncertain whether the connection is genuine or fading due to mismatched expectations. A recent incident involving a brief encounter with an ex-partner led to confusion and a breakdown in trust, which she handled indirectly, adding to the tension. Both partners feel insecure about the relationship’s future, with Amber feeling pushed to wait for him to take initiative. The core issue is not just the absence of labels, but the lack of direct emotional communication and mutual clarity. Amber recognizes she needs to take more proactive steps—being honest, vulnerable, and direct—to build trust and security. She should express her genuine feelings, acknowledge her past mistakes, and clearly state her desire to build a deep, committed relationship. This would help both of them move forward with clarity, reduce confusion, and establish emotional safety. Ultimately, the relationship’s success depends not on labels or timelines, but on mutual honesty, accountability, and a shared commitment to growing together. The advice emphasizes that being direct and taking ownership of one’s emotions is more powerful than passive waiting or testing boundaries. Amber is encouraged to prioritize self-care, seek personal fulfillment, and focus on building confidence in her own worth, which will strengthen her ability to form a healthy, authentic connection.
Hi, my name is Amber. I'm 26 and am I a dilulupor chasing a man? Um, yes. How's it going? It's going. What's your name? Um, Isabel. How old are you? It's about. I'm 30. How can I help? Um, I am hoping that you can help me. Um, I'm trying to decide if this guy that I'm talking to and I like is pulling away or if he's just a slow burn. Okay. We'll tell me about it. We've been only talking for like a couple of months and it's just a different type of relationship that I've ever been in before. You know that after a couple of months? Well, but we're excited. You're, we're excited. Okay. Um, I have reservations, but I definitely know like he probably has some reservations too. How does he? He's 32. He's never like really been in a serious relationship. Okay. Red flag number one. All right. Continue. But he does. I mean, he did give me reasons for that. What are they? That he wanted to, you know, get his career going and start his life first. And then kind of he's from like a smaller town. But he moved to like the city that I'm in because he didn't want to do the whole like get married right away to the first person small town way. What'd you do for work? Um, his family actually like owns a farm. So he like goes back and forth from the city to the smaller area where he's from and does that. I'm still learning a lot about that because I've like I said never been interested in a guy that a farmer or anything like that before. So it's all kind of new to me. I've had kind of just toxic relationships in the past. So I just wasn't looking to like date anyone. We kind of met, uh, you know, not looking for anything. But then he kind of pursued me. How'd you meet? So I was actually just giving a ride from downtown. I was the sober driver and I was actually picking up just mutual friends. And we were going to his house. So you have mutual friends? Mutual friends, but like I've never met him before. And you hit it off? Yep. Okay. So when he says he hasn't had a serious relationship, has he not dated anyone? Like he's 32. He's never, yeah. Do you virgin? No. So he's he's been dating. He's been, yeah, dating. So he's been casually participating in hook up culture if we were to oversimplify it? I would say so. The people that I've met through him kind of did let me know. Like he kind of has always been like more of a reserved guy. Kind of can be like socially awkward. Have you noticed that with him? Yes. Okay. Yes, for sure. I feel like I'm a very social person. So it is weird for me at times that like he is like hard to read. And I think like in the past, I've been with like fire and fire. And like that just kind of is didn't work out. Like eventually just because it was just too huge personalities. And not that he doesn't have a big personality, but he's just more reserved. So you've been hanging out for a couple of months? Yep. It kind of started off. Like I didn't notice like the social awkwardness like at first, because he seemed like super, you know, easygoing. He asked me on a date like pursued me. But then he actually asked me to go to like one of his hometown friends wedding with him. Do you have fun? Yeah, it was fun. And I really like all his people. And I know like you've said in the past like it doesn't, that's not like a big huge deal about meeting meeting people right away. It doesn't have to be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like I will say like his friends and his mom was kind of just like he doesn't like bring people around. So then we like continued going on dates, you know, probably like weekly right away. And then there was kind of like a situation like I'm like probably like a month into it. We had like briefly talked about being exclusive, but like not date it, like not the whole title, which is very confusing to me. Cause like in the past like and I hate to like compare, but that's all I that's all I can do. Like someone has gone for me like and we were dating very quickly or official. So anyway, I just had reservations about him. And I so back up take a breath for me just. Yeah, back to when you guys were trying to put some kind of label on this relationship, how that comment who brought it up, he did. Okay. And and how did it go? Just just have like are you still and he's like a Joe like he kind of just jokes. But like do you still have your roster going? Okay, sure. And he's just like will like you're a gorgeous girl. Like obviously guys are trying to talk to you. Okay. And how did it wrap up? How would you what decisions you guys come to? Was he like, well, I want to be exclusive? I yeah, like he was pretty much like, well, I don't have one. You say a little bit more of a month ago? Yeah. And then what happened after that? So then I was out one night. He was not and I kind of just ran into like an ex-situationship, which I hate calling it that. But I don't know what else to call it. Nothing happened. Like we didn't like hang out or anything. But like he was calling me that night. And I was answering and you know, participating, I guess. He is a mutual friend. So the current guy found out about it. And he actually wasn't even, I don't think that he would have brought it up to me, but his friend did. And was just like, you need to either commit all the way or you have to figure out your old, like you still have bridges. New guy said this to you. No, his friend, but he was like there in the background. So friend, his friend called you. It was like, yo, what's going on? And as in your new guy was in the background. Yeah. And like, why did you call her like she's with her friend, like whatever. And then I had asked new guy, let's just mason. Like if he would have brought that up to me or if it like bothered him. And he goes, well, like I thought we were exclusive. So I kind of why do you ask him if it bothered him? I actually, I didn't say it didn't bother him. But like, would he have brought that up to me? Because he just seemed like he wouldn't have. And that that bother you? Like I'm confused. And I've just like played it off. But like, it was just because his friend was making a big deal of it. But maybe not. I don't know. That's my perspective. You had the night out with the you ran into your ex-flang. You guys communicated. His friend found out. Yeah. He called you. His friend was, you know, whether, whether mason was wanted him to do or not. Then you went to mason and asked if like, why didn't you ask me about it? You didn't feel like you needed to clear the air. No, I definitely did. And I definitely like owned up to it. But I just didn't, I mean, I think if it was more than-- I guess what, I guess it's like, why did you put him on the spot? I just wanted to make sure like it, I guess I don't know. Yeah. I don't-- I didn't mean to like, put him on the spot. And how did he handle it? Did he-- did he act in any way defensive? Oh, no, not defensive. Like, he was just kind of-- well, he was just kind of like-- I just couldn't actually believe like you-- like, did that. What did he think you did? Just like, he didn't like that I was like talking to this other guy, which is like fair. And no doubt, he heard-- he heard the version from the ex-flang. And the ex-flang told the mutual friend. And the mutual friend told Mason, yeah. Well, how did you handle it? What did you say? So I, like, owned up to it and I felt bad, I guess. I just didn't-- What did you own-- like, how did you-- how did you handle it? Like, what did you say? That it was a mistake in that I don't want a future with this guy. There's like nothing between this guy. It was just-- Were you being flirty? Yeah. OK. Yeah. OK. All right. So if Mason read the text, he would probably have been upset. Yeah. I would have been upset if it was like the other way around. But I guess I just-- because I'm confused on what we are kind of. And I hate that question, but-- Why are you confused about? I didn't feel like he liked me that much. I guess I just didn't think he was super about me. And I don't know what-- He asked if he wanted it to be exclusive. A guy who never done that. I know. To your knowledge. Yeah. But I did feel like he was kind of like pulling back. But I also feel like that could be in my head. And then where are we now? So now, I mean, we still like talk every day. He just got back from a trip. And we were going to see each other last night. But it just got like late, and I--
Kind of had an early morning leaving for a trip in the next couple days So I just have a lot to do but we plan on seeing each other before I go. So I Don't know like I feel like it's more a me thing because it's like a different Like slower pace relationship that I'm like house. I mean compared to what like in any other really I mean outside of the silly labeling of exclusive but not dating but whatever that aside Yeah, how is how are things moved for you in the past? I just feel like I'll be Or like a girlfriend and yeah, I think I'm just in my head about like the title Just because like he's not referring to me as his girlfriend Because I've just been like a girlfriend quickly in the past and like had long relationships After like with those have you brought that up to him since then have you like yeah? Well, like so he kind of told me that like it's just gonna take a while for him to get there to like Officially call me his girlfriend or refer to someone as his girlfriend and his reasoning for that is Because he said like once he has a girlfriend. That's who he's going to marry That's a little silly. Yeah, but I mean what Yeah, I wouldn't say it silly, but he doesn't know that you know, but that's kind of it That's where we're at kind of thing yeah I just feel like he has like pulled back since that situation. How much how meaningful is it in your head and like you're still hanging out a lot We're still hanging out, but I just feel like it's like less than it used to be And I don't know if that's just because of like our busy schedules and then also like his dynamic and like talking to me Daily is different like he used to text me good morning like every morning And now it's like he almost like just like finds a reason to like snapchat me or like it's just like not It's just like I feel like I'm in middle school kind of conversation and how much are you just kind of sitting back and waiting for him to lead or I kind of have like been a little like vulnerable lately and just kind of have told him like Yeah, I want to see you and if this you know if it works out just I have been brave To ask him to see me or like but not like too. I don't want to be too pushy He definitely could have handled that other situation better. I feel like you agree. Yes. Yeah You took your confusion and then you did something you kind of regretted and and you kind of Made it his problem. Mm-hmm as opposed to kind of owning it where it was like Like can't eat what would you have asked me? You know that that kind of implies that you weren't planning on telling him Yeah, I mean yeah Listen I it all sounds like generally good you're right. You have a guy who does has a lack of dating experience You have some experience and it sounds like your experiences haven't been all that positive in that situation. I you know with the With the other guy again instead of just asking him if he would have asked you I mean it sounds like you you said the right you know sounds like you apologize, right? Like did you? Yeah, and I removed I mean I removed the guy off of things and When was the last time you've been like hey, you know, I really like you. I really like when was the last time you've kind of checked in with them Well rather than then the whole like do you want to hang out and see over some responds like when's the last time you've kind of just like he did You know he checked in with you. It was like hey, you have you know He did it playfully, but he he checked in with kind of where you're at said he didn't want to you know Hang out with other people Have you done that lately? Have you other have you done that? No, I think my people good time to do that Okay, because like this, you know, I you I don't you know The answer your question who knows, you know is he he's probably a little bit of a slow burn You know there's that he doesn't have a lot dating experience and that could be a red flag the fact It doesn't have a lot of previous you know dating history But you know that you him inviting you to the wedding is definitely like a green flag You know in terms of he he must like you, right? Yeah, he checked in he wanted to date you exclusively He seems like he's intentional about his dating life. You may maybe maybe a little too much But the whole like my girlfriend's gonna be my wife when he said that what did you say to him? I Like that you don't agree with it though. Do you I mean as romantic as it sounds like right like I just Feel like in my head so when he says when he says do you want to be my girlfriend are you are you accepting a proposal? Right, that's what I'm saying like it's just kind of backwards in my head. Well, did you say that to him? No, I just was like yeah I was just like I think I could like understand him, but like I just like yeah, I don't really agree with it Here's what I would say to him if I were you because you can do all the you know, let's not guess Let's just find out you know what I'm saying like you've been in this guy for a couple months Neither of you really owe each other Anything other than just kind of respect and honesty you messed up a little bit But not you know, certainly not Detrimental um, and then now you guys are like you know, you felt you feel like you did something wrong You're not sure how he handles it. You don't have that rapport working through Obsiding each other and maybe he has pulled back slightly because he's kind of like I don't know like You know Maybe just a little confused. He probably doesn't have a lot of experience handling conflict in these type of situations Yeah, I think you could take the lead a little bit anyone a relationship wants to hear kind of Stability, I suppose you know if I if I'm you and if you're willing to do it, I would I would just check in with him Okay, and I would say something like you know, where are you at with things like first of all like I really like you and by the way I really still feel bad about how I handled that previous situation. I don't want to make any excuses for myself I was definitely wrong and honestly like I wish I wouldn't have had I wish I would have just Told you about it. I think that night I just ran into someone from my past. I was a little confused Nothing happened But if I'm being honest if it was a other way around I would have also been upset and I'm really sorry about that And I feel really bad and I feel like that's kind of like complicated And otherwise really good situation, but I still really really like you. I suppose again, it's not your fault or anything like that because like you know But I think I've just got a little confused about our label because for me I don't think boyfriend and girlfriend that I'm not saying it's it's a big deal But like there are just multiple steps, you know like listen I really like you and I could see this going really far, but like there's you know Uh, if I get to you know if we get to be boyfriend and girlfriend We still have a lot to get to know each other and I think you can say that like we still we just there's so much for us to learn about each other and a lot of this comes in time and Um while I think it's really romantic for you to say like you have to be when you're doing like you know when you're giving them a note You kind of compliment like it's really a man. I find it really romantic that you said it that way, but like Logically speaking if you know if I want you to be my boyfriend, I I still we still have a lot to get to know each other. So I know it's like I will I like that you're intentional about it, but like who knows what's gonna happen But outside of that, I am a little confused because like what you know, I want to keep things progressing and I think that's where I got a little You know Again, just because I was confused doesn't make it okay that I did that but I just want to you know I want to see where this goes. I honestly like I would love for you to be my boyfriend And I love to keep focusing on this and see you know if he's like well, I'm just not there yet. You can That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you could say I'm just a little what's the difference between exclusive and you know I wouldn't get necessarily getting the weeds, but I think you just want to make it clear that you are really excited about him And you really want to focus on this relationship and you feel bad about what happened And you really you know It made you realize it just like how disappointed you would be if he decided to use that as a reason to end things Because you realize how much you really like them and you like the potential and just see what he says Okay Yeah, and I feel like we Briefly you know went over it and I knew that like I handled it wrong So I did like message him like like later on and was just like I apologize and like asked if we could have a conversation Like if he would be willing to have a conversation so because I handled it Poorly, what do you say he said yes, but then I feel like we've avoided that like I feel like he Did really pull back. Well, you're gonna have to be the one who brings it up I mean like it might be a handled already. I mean how like it's not that complicated of a situation you did apologize Right But if you have something you want to say you're gonna be the one you you need to bring it up And I think get to bring it up to just be like I really like you I mean that's really all you have to say I really like the way that you worded that like they say something with the compliment Yeah, only if you're just like you know again, you don't want to be like well, I think it's weird You'd be like well, it's really romantic, but I just like a lot, you know practically speaking You know, we've only been eating for a couple months. I just like I want I want us to both feel secure Even if even though it's early and you could say like you know, we can always break up It's not the only I have an ex-boyfriend. You know, it's not the end of the world It's not like having an ex-wife you can kind of make a joke have make some jokes, you know Not just you know just keep it light. I don't want other I just want to know that like You know that we're focusing on seeing where this goes and so you know I think I was just a little confused by the label again. It's not an excuse But I wasn't really sure where we stood and I guess I was a little confused by exclusive, but you know
know, but not boyfriend and girlfriend. And so like, what are we holding back for? You know, it's like in the way that you're not making excuses, but it's kind of like, but is that mean you can talk to other people? Can you flirt with other people? Can you like check in? Can you explore through conversation? You know, can a guy offer you to buy a drink at a bar and you say, yeah, I mean, he's not your boyfriend. I think what you want here is to not let him lead, so to speak. You're the one who has a little bit of dating experience. For half of this equation, you know, and I think you can, he can, he has the right to say, no, he doesn't have to say yes to anything you want, but you can confidently say what you want and see what he says. You know, it's not just waiting for him to decide. Well, I just kind of want to make sure there's like, none other girls. Do you think there's other girls now? No, because we both, like, we don't, he did call me out. Like I just said, I don't want there to be like games and he goes, well, you're the one playing the games. And he's not, I mean, he's not wrong. Like everything that he said, it's like valid. Like he is a very logical. Well, I would, yeah, I mean, just through talking with you, it sounds like you have a way of when you get confused instead of dealing with things directly, you do, you go indirectly. And so, and as you act out a little bit, you know, and talking to this other guy, it's just like, well, I'm confused. And maybe you put, you pull back to see how, how he responds. That's kind of what I'm saying. You need to take the lead and stop doing things to get him to react as a measuring stick for how he feels. Okay. Yeah. Because he's, it's probably annoying for him and confusing. So I would own up to that. Be like, Hey, listen, I just want to check in. I've, I've recognized that I think maybe I've been playing games. I didn't realize it. And I think I have a, you know, maybe I just like I'm, I want you to, you know, I'm just kind of like waiting for you to, I don't know, but that's silly of me. I really like you. And I don't want to play games because I really, I really like you. Not that like our labels, that big of a deal. But I just, I just want, you know, and if, listen, for a guy who's saying, you know, if you're going to be my girlfriend, you'd be my wife. It's sound, you know, even though I disagree with that statement, I would guess that him saying, let's be exclusive is a big deal to him. And for all, for all intensive purposes, him saying we're exclusive is your version of boyfriend and girlfriend. You know, it doesn't really matter what the label is, as long as you understand what the definition of each other's label is. I have to find the confidence to like, just say how I feel, because I think it's gotten me in trouble in the past just kind of like letting them lead. So it's weird to me that like he's not really leading, but just, it's just different. He's new at this and he has lead, right? He asked you the wedding. He, he was the one who first checked in with you. He's done that. It's still fairly early. And he also need some reassurances too. And for a guy who hasn't really done what he did, invited you a wedding, and, and, and, you know, give it some kind of label, he was probably a little upset or confused or bothered by how you handled things. It sounds like you owned up to it, but you, again, played a little bit of games in, in how you addressed it. So I think you just need to come, you know, just come very direct. It's be like, hey, I want, you know, again, I really like you. I'm also recognizing it myself that like, again, part of my past and my accident, my toxic relationships, I was probably part of the problem. But again, like the few month, couple months with you have really given me a glimpse of how I, you know, want my relationships to be. And it seems like I just, I like, I like that you're direct, you know, and I like that you're, you know, how you handle things. And I just, I really like you. And I want to keep this going. I want to get used to just being direct with you because like, I like how you're direct with me. And I really like that. And it's a little uncomfortable for me. But like, I really like where this is going. Maybe you can even, you know, you don't have to make the whole label thing that much of a issue with this conversation. You can maybe tease be like, I'm not really, I'm still a little confused by the exclusive and up boyfriend and girlfriend. But like whatever, I just want to know that, you know, neither of us are dating other people. We are, we are committed to getting to know each other. And if one of us wants to explore someone else, we owe it to the other person ahead of time to let them know, right? Yeah. And you just get on the same page. But like, I don't want to be the other people. And I hope you don't either. And I want to keep, I want to keep this going. Yeah. And I don't want to, I don't want to do what I, you know, I'm, I learned a valuable lesson. Kind of, you know, you get what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I think it is just, like, a conversation that should have been addressed. I just, I don't want to feel like I'm too pushy or too much. Being direct isn't pushy. Not getting the answer you want. And then keep pushing is being pushy. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. So if for some reason, like, again, the whole label thing, you know, again, like, I wouldn't die in that hill right now. What matters most is if like you feel like, is he saying it just because he, the way you're describing it, it doesn't sound like he's some fuck boy arguing semantics. Yeah. So that he can do what you did at some point. Yeah. No. So as long as you believe his logic or what he's trying to say, that's all that really matters. As long as you feel secure and you understand where you're, where you're at. And I definitely think it, it, I feel like I have dealt with fuck boys in the past. So it's just like the matter of he's like just believing that he's not. Well, listen, who knows? He is a guy. Like, who knows, right? But the way to figure that out isn't to be passive aggressive and to test him and to put yourself in bad situations to see how you respond. That's not the way to do it. The best way to do it is just to be up front with him, but where you stand, check in from time to time and be consistent. Yeah. He might change his mind. He might pull away. You might pull away too. You know, when you're sitting down and talking to him, you can be, be logical like him. Be like, listen, we don't know where this is going to go, but I really like you so far. And I, all I know is I want to keep getting to know you. And I want to, I don't want either of us have to worry about what the other person is doing because I'm committed to getting to know you. I don't want to see other people like at all. I hope you still feel the same way. And I just want to get on the same page. I felt really, really bad. I still feel bad for how I handle it because I felt like I risk a really good thing here. And I, and I realized that like my actions probably made you trust me a little bit less. And I don't want you to feel that way about me, especially this early on. I don't want you to feel that way about me at all. And I just want you to know that I'm, I'm, I'm going to say what I do. And I think it was this more a little bit, I was a little confused by the label, but that's on me. And I guess that's why I'm just trying to be up front with you. But again, if you say you want to have a conversation with him, you have to bring up the conversation. You can't be the one. Let's have a conversation and then test him to see how long it takes for him to bring up the conversation. You know what I'm saying? Like he's probably waiting for you. He, he has probably nothing left to say. You apologize. You know, and you, it's not like you want to, you don't, you have nothing more to say either. You just, you just want to check in. You're just the conversation you want to have is to see how, if, if his feelings have changed. I wouldn't ask how have your feelings changed. I would just tell him how you feel. And then see what he says. Yeah, I, that makes total sense. That's why I wanted your guy perspective. I, I'm so thankful for you. Thank you so much. And I listened to your show all the time. I know. I appreciate you. Just when you do it, take a breath. Nothing bad can happen. Just talk to him. He likes you. And I think you just being very direct and very clear, um, invulnerable will go a long way. And if he doesn't give you what you want, you, you didn't do the wrong thing. You just got the answer quicker. Right. But yeah, I think he will respond to your directness and your, you know, you being logical, you know, he's just probably a little confused because if he is a guy who's, you know, a slow burn and what's a lack of experience and he did the thing where he, you know, he tried it out for the first time and you kind of disappointed him. You know, that would set someone back a little bit. It's not the end of the world. Okay. So really you're just having that conversation. All right. Have it. And let us know how it goes. All right. Okay. Thank you so much. Congrats on the twins. Thank you. All right. Thanks for the call. Yes. Thank you. Bye. Bye. How's it going? Hi, I'm Mandy. I'm 35 years old. My husband says monogamy does nothing for him. We haven't had sex in almost two years. He's giving me permission to sleep with other people. But I'm choosing to say for our kids. Okay. That's a tough situation. A lot there to unpack. Do you have an had sex in how long you said to you? Two years. Two years. Yeah. So we've been married for years. We have two small children. Okay. And I brought a 12 year old into the marriage. Okay. And so this is it's I have a lot of factors to consider here. But something I know that you and Natalie could relate to is between our two babies we lost a baby. And we decided to try again when we tried again our both of our babies have had the same due date. So two different pregnancies, two different babies, both boys, same due dates. It just seemed like he was coming back.
to us, you know. But then we got some devastating news that that baby was actually not going to survive the pregnancy. He had too many complications. So I was told the entire pregnancy that this was a terminal pregnancy, which means this does not end in a live birth. So that was very difficult for me. And it was actually during this pregnancy that was considered terminal that I found out about my husband's, I guess, infantilities through a Facebook page. I'm not sure if you're familiar, but like different cities have like cheaters of San Antonio, cheaters of Austin, cheaters of wherever. And so he was blasted on this cheaters of San Antonio, Facebook page. I'm not on the page. Didn't know it existed. But I found out he was on this page by other baseball moms, past co-workers, current co-workers, people from every corner of my life. My phone was blowing up. And the humiliation came from every direction. And it just never stopped. It seemed like that's how I found out about the scandal. But rewind a little bit. I found out about this. I'm about one of you weeks pregnant with a very sick baby. By the way, that baby did make it. And I would not be remiss to say that every day I don't look at this kid and think, wow, like, I wasn't supposed to get you. Like, we weren't supposed to have this little caboose. And here we are. So every day with that, you know, babies after a loss, just feel extra special. And so, yeah. So he's blasted on a Facebook page. I'm clearly made aware of this. And I bring it to him and he's just like, yeah, I mean, it is what it is. How long ago was this? This was about two years ago. Okay. And he said, yeah, I am on these chat rooms. He's having phone sex with other girls. He's admitted to a porn addiction. And, you know, hasn't touched me, says monogamy does something for him. He's not used to being with the same woman over and over again. So I guess he got tired of me pretty early on because this, I would say, started within three months of being married that he started to pull away from me physically. Okay. Well, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, that's a lot to process. So you, but you stayed for two years. So I stayed. Well, I was pregnant with a sick baby when I found out. So it was like, well, got to put this on the back burner. Oh, you were pregnant when you found this out? Yeah. With our son, that was supposed to not make it. Yeah. Wow. So like, yeah, extra asshole, right? Yeah. So, so the baby made it and baby makes it. And it's like, wow, so I have a newborn baby now and a two year old, and then my 12 year old that I brought into this. So it never really felt like a great time to just jump ship, right? With all of this going on. So why I'm still here. So despite everything I've just told you, we actually don't hate each other outwardly. We're actually pretty decent friends. We're raising children together. There is love in our home are, you know, we're both very happy, positive people. Our children are, you know, we wake up and do breakfast and take them to do things all day. You're still a family sometimes. We're still a family. Yeah. I'm a breadwinner. I do not have to stay in this. I can support myself and my children. So I'm not financially trapped. Okay. What prompted you to reach out? What are you contemplating? I'm contemplating this. My oldest adores his step that my little ones have their mom and dad together. And I've got this almost two year old little boy running around my house who I feel like I got a second chance with. And everything it took for us to get here. I mean, how can I just fall into really be the person who breaks all of this apart? Yeah. You know, I could, I could stay. I could stop expecting my husband to become someone he isn't. I could accept that we're companions and co-parents. Have you been for the past two years having moments of holding out hope that he would love you again or treat you like a wife? Yes. You have. Okay. Yes. Okay. Okay. And I plan date. I take them on dates. You still try. Like I'm the man in the relationship. I still try. And how does he respond to that? Do you think that adds value in any way or how do you, yeah, how does that work out? Well, he likes to go do things, you know, it's not necessarily like outside of whatever sex prounds or whatever. But does he make you feel appreciate and loved in other way, you know, like even as the mother of his children, like there's a big part of this relationship, obviously that's missing. I'm just curious. Like what is he doing as as you guys are a family as you describe and these dates that you plan and the efforts that you make. Are there moments where he validates you? Not really. No. And ever. And to be honest, with you, I wouldn't say ever rarely. I mean, so then what's like a mother's day card? What's the benefit? I mean, I'm not saying there is or isn't. And maybe there, you know, any benefit for anyone, like with these dates, like who's getting something out of it? Me. I'm getting out of the house away from three kids and having a nice dinner. So definitely. Do you enjoy the company at least? Sometimes. I mean, I wish I had like girlfriend to go do things with. Okay. Why don't you? Is it because he, he melts me. I mean, like I would love to go to Italy next summer because it's like, oh, so you're just going to leave me in the kids. Okay. All right. I think I think I'm a pretty good opinion at this point. Is there anything I'm missing? Well, I'm 35 and I feel like that's not technically old, right? I have a lot of life ahead of me. And I, I, Nick, I don't want you to think that I'm sitting here naively expecting a marriage to make you happy every day because I know that's not the reality. But if I don't believe you abandoned a family because every need isn't perfectly met. Yeah. Yeah. And no, you have to, you have to try a needle. You have to thread a needle here. Right. But what is the different between, like, a sacrifice and self abandonment? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But let's try this with the needle. I'm going to show my opinion and then we'll workshop it from there. But it's just my opinion. Listen, this is a crazy situation you're in. But listen, I, you know, my opinion is this is some real life shit. You're definitely not alone. I mean, listen, the whole like it being spammed online and these dating groups is I'm sure it felt embarrassing. But I think most people, like, again, everyone has their story and I'm sure more people are judging him than they're judging you. So there's that. Yeah. And again, this is a needle. You have to thread. I mean, listen, here's like, I think in my brain, I'm just thinking about, all right, what are the positives in the situation? What are the shit we have to deal with? Right? How do we figure it all out? Right? So like, the positives, I'm thinking, all right, listen, you, at least your kids feel like there's a family there. And it sucks that he's a deadbeat partner, but he's not a deadbeat dad. It sounds like me, I'm not saying it doesn't, it sounds like maybe he doesn't win father of the year, but he's, he's there. He's got a good relationship with the kids. That must as a mom. No, he's feel reassuring. I can't attend it. Wonderful father. That's a win, you know, I mean, for you, but just big picture for your kids and that's important to you. Yeah. You're only 35, like you said. You're financially independent. That's huge. That's massive. That's so huge, right? I think it makes a lot of sense. If no judgment from me, your sacrifice that you're making for your family. And at any point, you can change your mind. You obviously found this out when you were pregnant. Yeah. With a high risk pregnancy. And you chose to take care of yourself and your baby that makes a lot of sense. And you selflessly put your other problems aside. And like, that's this life. Life, fuck man, like we're all dealing with some shit. Everyone has their moment. If you listen to this shit, there's a lot of like everyone has at least one. I can't believe this happened to me moment. And usually it's multiple. And you're this is certainly one. And it sucks. I think you need to give up on the relationship. There's some positives here. It's an overall kind of shitty situation. But I, you know, I've heard some worse stories. That's for sure. Yeah. And listen, like raising a family's heart, obviously the dream is to have a partner that you can grow with and continue to find and reconnect. And then there's hopefully that same person is a great co-parent to your kids if you guys are sort of family. And sometimes people don't get both. You at least got one. That's definitely a win. A lot of people don't have any. So there's, there's that. And I'm just being very pragmatic here. Because I think this situation like requires some pragmatism. You are also making a very selfless sacrifice by going along with his situation. Because I'm sure, you know, as kids get older, they're observant in your cost playing a happy home. In a way that's, I'm sure at times very difficult for you to mask, but for the betterment of the kids. I don't think that's necessarily a cross. You should always have to bear. Kids have to deal with shit. You know, I'm glad that we protect our daughter, our daughters from life. And we have a lot of privilege in our life. But like I am like for all the conversations about childhood traumas and like we all gain some resiliency. And I'm afraid at least for my daughters, you can't protect them from everything. And they have to experience life. And they have to experience and paid and sat in this and disappointment and learned the tools to cope and and get over things. And listen, like you have to live your life. So I've
at some point, I think it's very selfless for you to think of your kids in this situation, but you can thread the needle and I think you deserve to find love and date. And certainly to the degree that he still feels entitled to guilt trip you. I think I think you need to maybe find your power a little bit, your voice in this relationship and sit him down as a, as co-parents, you guys, at least you, you are entitled to call a meeting. Let us speak. Yeah, I did. I wrote him a whole letter. I told him about it. No, I told him about the letter. Okay. And he was like, please burn that. And I was like, what is interesting now? It's just about where we are now and my five-year plan. My five-year plan would be we only have, you know, more equity in our helmet five years. I'm a, I own my own psych business. So I'm like, coming at this guy from like a psychiatrist in my business mind. So I'm like five-year plan. The home gets equity in the next five, gains more equity in the next five years. My practice has even more established. My son, my oldest son is out of the house, right? And then in five years, we go our separate ways. It is not a bad thing to start over at 40 years old. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a great plan. It's a great plan. I think, I think he's like, burn it. You won't read it. Burn it. Yeah. I mean, he's going to keep just going as long as you can. Right. That's what my mom said. My mom was like, he had a show pony that he took out back and shot it. I mean, it doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure I understand the analogy, but whatever. It's okay. No, but listen, he's got a, he's, well, go ahead. I mean, listen, he's got a great, he's great partner. He gets taken care of financially. You're the breadwinner. You're, you're, you're a bad-ass person. And he kind of, in some ways, entrapped you into this relationship, obviously gave you the gift of your children. And again, great, that he's a great dad, but he checked out on you emotionally. And now he's, he's giving you the bill of like deal with this problem. You've chosen to deal with it, right? But he gets to be taken care of. And he has the freedom to do whatever the fuck he wants emotionally. And, and why would he give this up? He doesn't want what you want, which is like a monogamous emotional connected relationship. He doesn't want that. And he, you do. And you're living his dream. So he's not going to give up on this dream. I also would stop, I would stop giving him a heads up, right? Like right now, this man is your co-parent. I think to the driver degree, you can take the high road and not be petty is noble of you. But I also would plan for your future without his heads up. I would, you seek the light of lawyers. If need get ahead of it. Whatever someday you're going to leave this man and I would protect your business and your children. And like, yeah, stop short of like screwing them over, but protect yourself first and foremost. So I would stop and stop telling them about your plan. Your plan, you can change your plan tomorrow. And you can change your plan, whatever. But he's not part of that plan. So and he doesn't, you don't need his permission to leave him. You've certainly tried to get him to stay and he hasn't responded. So there's that. I feel strongly about that. Yeah. I do think for the, for the amount of time you're going to stay in this relationship. You could probably just show him, you probably don't even, I honestly probably wouldn't sit him down. But like, I think you need to start focusing on you. Accept this situation. Like if you want to get out of the house, fine. Use him, use him as a date. He's using you. Use him back. So to speak, keep it, keep it civil. Again, he's getting you out of the house. He's taking you out to dinner and you need to break from the kids. Great. He is a companion. Yeah. Your pain on some money. You can, you can even get the thrill of like, he's, he's a male escort. I don't know. Just have some fun with it. Roll play, whatever. Actually, that's like a huge other part of the problem was because our money was combined in one account whenever I found out all of this infidelity. Have you fixed that? That day I was like on the phone driving to the bank. So yeah, you're on top of your shit. And so he's mad. He's resentful. That's when he lives paycheck to paycheck. Man, that's his problem. That's his problem. You're on top of your shit. Again, like I just protect yourself. Get ahead of it. Seek a lawyer. I think while you live with this man, you are allowed to, you are a single woman. You're legally married, but you are a single woman. Now, that doesn't mean you have to go out and date and I understand you might with, you know, how kids and drama, maybe there's a brand and reputation you're trying to uphold. So you want to be careful about how you move. But I just, you know, take some yoga classes with some friends, go get cough, you know, prioritize making girlfriends. That's what I would focus on right now if you don't feel like, you know, and I think it's tough out there. It's tough for parents. But like if you make it an effort, if you prioritize that, if you take the energy you're putting into these dates, you're planning with and trying to reconnect with a man who's not trying to reconnect with you into like finding girlfriends, it'll happen over time and just feel good about yourself and just like do like your free time outside of having to be a mom. You should totally focus on you. Stop focusing on this guy. Stop focusing on this marriage. Except more than the loss of this marriage. Let it go. That's this my opinion. Yeah. But he's checked on you and you're wasting a lot of energy that you could be investing in yourself and your children, but you're still investing into him. And if you want to go fucking travel, travel. He is the dad. He is, he is half responsible. And he's like, listen, it's not my problem. You, you know, and you can look, if you're going to take a trip, he can, he's entitled to take some time off. You can be mutually like agreeable, but you are entitled to go do that and you should stop asking for his permission and stop asking for his forgiveness. You neither, you don't need either. You might have to deal with a little bit of a temper tantrum, but like your mom, like don't give in, you know, I'm saying eventually, eventually when you're just like, I'm not, I don't care. They'll, they'll stop throwing a tantrum, temper tantrum. He doesn't have options. He, again, this is, he's live in the dream. So. Yeah. You have to keep the peace in my home. Keep the peace in your home. But you take control, control you have. Don't abuse that power. You have a lot of power here. Don't abuse that power to the point where it makes it agitates him and it makes your life overall more difficult. That's what I'm saying. More on the loss of this relationship, investing yourself, investing your kids and when you're ready, maybe when that's 40, whatever, but you deserve to get out there. Maybe just, I don't know, even if it's get catfished, I don't know, like have an online like fond love of the guy in San Francisco over the text. I don't know, you know, like just have some fun. You deserve to do that. Be safe. Be careful. But I have two, I have three children. Okay. Different dads. My son has a different dad than my youngest two. And I just don't know if that is that desirable to anybody anymore granted. We just have this whole spatula. I think you're not alone. Again, I just think you're not alone. And listen, I don't know. Yeah, you have three kids. It's not for everyone. You know, no one's for everyone. You will, you know, you, you got a lot going for you. You, you have your shit together. But like, what do you, listen, anything is better than this. And even if you go on 30 dates and, and, and let's say you don't like 20 of them. Yeah. Five of them, you're kind of into, but they don't like you back. Yeah. For whatever reason, maybe some of them like, I don't know, they're looking for someone who's never married. Oh, one doesn't want to have kids. Okay. Fine. Like it's still better than this. You had some fun. Maybe you had some wild sex in between. You got laid. All of that's better than this. You're keeping yourself emotionally trapped. You have all the control. Yeah. And I get it, right? Maybe there's, it's like a penance. You're, you're leaning into the sacrifice that you're making. That helps you, you know, like you're, you're sacrificing a lot. And sometimes when you do that, you kind of have to go full tilt. I don't, you know, if you're a rage, I was raised Catholic. It's so easy for me to do, you know, like any, any kind of Christian guilt prepares us for shit like that. But you're doing a great thing. But you, you deserve some happiness and you deserve some, like quality time. And you're not going to get it from him. And I would invest in everything else but him, especially yourself. Yeah. Because especially with all of the new information, like we just had it very hard to heart about this two nights ago. And he is like, look, I knew this, and this is a part that hurt Nick is like, he's like, I knew this about myself before I married you. I thought marriage would change things. I quickly realized it didn't change. I appreciate his honesty. I understand that it came at a time. But what's done is done. And like he said, he gave you three to two beautiful children. Yeah. And like you wouldn't trade it for the world. So there's no point, right? And, and, and, and replaying that tape over and over. You can be mad at him. And again, I, I thank him for his honesty because as fucked up as it is, you wouldn't trade it for the world. And now he gave you a clear reason to leave him. He gave you, he gave you ammunition to cope with the loss that like no doubt it's sad. Most of it is probably like this loss of blowing up your family. But like you deserved better. And you have the right to be angry. And he's giving you reasons to be angry. And that's a gift. No, it is. I mean, listen, like it sucks. I'm not saying he deserves credit. But like, yeah, like some people like don't, some people play that game of like, oh, you're perfect. It's just me. And I don't know. And like I'm going to, um, I push people away. And I have a band of issues and my attention style is not working. And then that on your head, that's his thing. Yeah. But you don't, you don't have to live with it or accept this. And you have, and you can get out, right? That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Things I wish I would have known before I hit what down the aisle, you know, but yeah, but I'm just saying that would have, that would have changed your life completely, including the two children you have. So true Lord works a mysterious
various ways as they say. Either way, there's no such thing as a time machine. We can't go back. This is the doubt, this is your life and this is the situation. All I'm saying is it's like, and I'm not saying, listen, it makes sense to ruminate and you're talking to a ruminator and I do all the things that I tell people not to do. But I am just simply saying that's energy that's not helping you out. If you're gonna spend time, oh, I wish I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know, oh my, and then spending energy thinking about how your life would be different. You'd have to acknowledge it would be different and that's something that's something you'd give it up. And so in replace all that thought with this socks. - Yeah. - I deserve more than this. Okay, I'm gonna make some tough decisions. I'm gonna make some sacrifices. Here's what I'm gonna do for my family and my kids. It could situation could be worse. It's a pretty good dad and I like that we're a family and we're gonna keep being a family. But I'm gonna start making some friends. I'm gonna take a vacation when I want to. Whenever I want to treat myself, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna be reasonable. I'm gonna work with my co-parent and I'm gonna give him the option to do the same but I'm also not asking for his permission if he's not willing to work with me. And I'm certainly not gonna feel guilty by like having a little meantime. And when I feel the right time, it's the right time and I feel safe and I'm prepped and I'm ready and my lawyers are all good, I might divorce them. Maybe I think I'll probably wait till my kids are 18 but I might change my mind. Either way, you can decide at any day. Just make sure you're prepped and prepared and ready to go. And I would do that sooner than later 'cause you never know, he could meet the wrong right person and convince himself he's in love and walk and say, I need a divorce, I need a, he could. I don't, you know what I'm saying? Like, this is an unpredictable man. I wouldn't sit around and wait for him. I would just have your ducks in a row. And I would spend no time judging yourself or worrying about the judgment of others and it's just like life is fucking hard. People have their shit. You're fucking dealing with it. You're dealing with it in a great way. You're making the most of it. This is gonna be something that will be five, 10 years from now, something you're, you know, you will, when your daughters and sons get older, whatever, maybe you can open up to them, like they'll know and you, who knows? But like, you're crushing life and you're doing a lot of great here. And this is a shitty situation, but you're making the most of it. But just, there's a lot you can do to allow yourself to at least enjoy some more moments. - So basically this was everything that I thought I should do, but just didn't know if that was a selfish lens. - Mostly, I mean, around the parenting, but I do think you need to give, I think you need to let go of him emotionally. - Yeah, yeah. And I think if I'm gonna have to plan a vacation, pay for the vacation, I'm not as well pay for someone I want to spend time with, and someone who loves me and wants to spend time with me. - Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I think you just gotta, whatever guilt and shame you have, you gotta, I think you get that you should invest energy into not ruminating over that. - Okay. - I'm a sentimental person, just like you. - I hear you, but that does it have to be being sentimental and ruminating, and I would just deal with your shit and focus on, what can I invest in yourself? I don't know, do things for yourself. Feel good about the things that you do. Do things that make you wanna pat yourself on the back and invest in your kids. And I guess, to whatever degree, allows you to coexist with them. At this point, the only feeling that you should spend energy on is honestly gratitude for him. Gratitude that you finally got honest so that you could have a reason to move on. Gratitude that he's a pretty good dad, and then acceptance that he's not your person. - Yeah. - And that might be hard to do, and I'm sure there's people listening rolling their eyes, but that will free you up from him. And that's ultimately what we want. Because being in a prisoner of your emotions and ruminating is the people living in a prison in their head more than anything else. - Yeah. - Yeah, I think you're crushing it. You're in a bad situation, but you're doing a great job, and I think you can just take it a little easy on yourself. - For you, my life. All right. - All right. - Okay. Keep us posted on what you end up deciding. - Well, I can tell you what's gonna happen is, I'm gonna start prioritizing myself, trips with my best friend, who's my sister, and that's gonna cause so much conflict that that is going to ultimately just, it's gonna force me to be like, look, this is not, it's where co-parents, and I'm gonna go live my own life, and then he's just gonna be like, fuck it, I am too. - Okay, but while you do this to whatever degree, again, maybe you'll just level with him. When was the last time you told me he was a good dad? - Today. - He did. Okay, good for you. - Yeah. - Does he-- - Maybe you won't go post anesthesia, and I'm like, he needs his daddy. Get over here. He needs you. - Okay, that's amazing. - Because he's a great dad. - Do you think that makes him feel good? - Yes, and my husband would tell you that I could have more words of affirmation. It's just, I wake up thinking in my head, like you fucking son of a bitch tricked me and get it, it, it, it, it, it. - You gotta let go of that. - That was hard to just-- - I know. You wouldn't change it. - I just feel full. - You wouldn't change it. - I don't know that I wouldn't change it. I don't know that. - Okay, well, I mean, your kids might feel differently. - Well, I mean, yes, of course, but regardless of who I would have met and had kids with, that would have loved those kids, right? That's all that works. - But I would never have thought it. - I mean, I, I couldn't, I mean, just like, replace River with another baby, which I know I would love, right? But like, I would grieve the loss of that personality and that character and the, I can't tell you what to think or feel. And I'm not saying you're right or wrong. I do think my, just generally, like allows you to be happier. And if your goal is happy, there is no such thing as time as it. Where does that get you? Waking up three times a week and spending an hour being like, smother fucker tricked me and, and all the thoughts that follow that. - Just hold and distant and-- - Sure. And I think he's, it's time to accept it. And then, because quite literally, he did give you your children, which again, I don't think he deserves credit for. And I guess I'm just like, you have a lot going for you. And you, and as shitty as this situation is, and like, it's up there. Like, this is a crazy story. But you have a lot of wins. And like, the only way through this situation is to focus on your wins. Again, if your goal is happiness. Like, if your goal is revenge, if your goal is, you know, if your goal is happiness, I just think-- - Let it go, move on. - And then just be grateful that, like, at a minimum, you made babies with a great dad. And you can find another partner. Can't find it, you know. How can you find another dad for your kids? - No, you're right, I am so thankful. And I probably would choose him again, just so my babies could have this man as a dad. - There you go. So again, like, you just let go of-- - A win. - A win, that's a win. - Yeah, but all this energy of going back and then saying, you're valid for being angry, but you gotta let him go. You haven't let him go. - Yeah. - You haven't let this relationship go? I think you should do that. I think he's giving you more enough reasons to, he's giving you no reasons to stay. And you have, you hold all the cards, and I would just emotionally get to a place where you're feeling really good about how you've handled the situation. And you're overall feeling good about your life because you're only 35 and you have your kids, and you get to spend the rest of your life dating. And you might have a couple of loves, but you'll always have your true loves, your children, and like, you're gonna have a ton of fun along the way. And there'll be some heartbreak and pain and whatever, but either way, you got your career, your job, your children. All the things that are so hard, all the things that are in people's control, that feel so out of control, like career and children, like you're crushing that. - Okay, so stay tunic because next week, for the first time ever, I'm going to a psych conference in New Orleans, by myself, for six nights. And I, that's all I'm gonna do, that'll learn. So I'll let you know how it goes. - He's into it, he's into it. He's into it, just have fun. No pressure, there's no pressure to meet a guy, just have fun, don't tell anyone your story, okay? - No. - Okay, just making sure. - I'll psych providers, nobody wants to hear this. - Okay, just saying, don't tell anyone the story there. That's my two cents. - And even when my husband and I are in restaurants alone, or walking around places alone, people look at me. And I'm like, wow, it's nice to be looked at because he doesn't. I will be naked in the living room, and he won't just walk right past me. And my husband will be a dog. - Yeah, not great, get out. Yeah. - Yeah. - Emotionally, emotionally get out. And you can do that. - Okay, so focus on myself. Do me first, put my attention and energy toward my kids, truly accepting the fact that this is over and move on. Forgive him for his mistakes. You don't have to forget, but like, let it go. - Yeah. - He gave your children, grateful for that. He's a great dad. Well, life is fucking hard, and there's just so many. You got a million losses left to deal with in life. None of it's perfect. And like, these are real life issues. Having kids and marrying in 2026, I mean, God, it's hard out there. - That is. - But you don't have to let it ruin your, yeah, like it's not, this is another thing you're gonna conquer and move on from. It'll be part of your story, and like, it's hard. But some people just, like, can't deal with these losses and they blow up their life. And then they make, you know, you don't have to do that. - No, because I actually, I have the, wherewithal to go, okay, this has nothing to do about me. I feel like a lot of the fears, women take it on. It messes them up forever. But I know this has nothing to do with me. So at least in that aspect, I'm just like, you poor thing. - Exactly. All right, well, thanks for the call.
Uh, you're you're doing great. Yeah. You're doing great. Keep us posted. All right. All right. Take care. Thank you so much. You'll have a great day. You too. Bye bye. How's it going? I'm 26 and am I a dilulue for chasing a man? Yes Tell me about it So I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and nine months We got into a heated argument. It went from zero to 100 really quickly and now that I'm thinking about it It's been a couple weeks and I don't know if I reacted properly To give some context. I have been doing this thing called quantic therapy. My mom invited me to it It's a three-day thing where you pretty much join like a group Training where they kind of teach you how to it's not like psychological therapy where you know You refer to the past understands your tendencies It's more about like what results do you have in life now and how can you like change or create like your future? It's a very like result driven therapy Anyways, this isn't boring because due to this is kind of like related to the argument So I went to this training. They're very much like you have to sustain your community the people that you're training with If one person fails everybody fails So they encourage you to like talk to all these people. They're creating community. Yeah, creating community so But in my relationship It's very much like we agree that girls and guys can be friends up into an extent somebody ends up catching feelings and so We always kind of established boundaries of like we don't really talk to the other gender not because We think it's Well, yes, because we think it's kind of like Why are you entertaining somebody else? I've always had girlfriends mainly. I've never had a guy friend So that's never really been an issue for me and same other way, right? So anyways, we're in his living room and he grabs my phone I have no idea he's grabbing my phone because we're watching Netflix and I'm kind of laying on his lap and He just shows me my phone in front of my face and says who's this? Well, it was like an unsafe number and it was one of the persons at one of the members from this group training and then I was like shoot So it was one of the mentors that we have and it was a very casual conversation It was not about the training. So I was like, oh, it's you know one of the members and then he just kind of flipped out He was like I can't trust you like I feel like this is retaining It was like oh, what are you doing this weekend? I'm going to the gym and working. What about you like? It was a very casual conversation, but from his point of view yeah, a completely unnecessary conversation Yes, cuz like yeah, this course that you took is it rooted in like science or did like some person come up with something that's kind of Helpful to people. I think it's um, I don't know if it's rooted in science I mean, they bring a lot of things like oh in this study this this was found, but but I do think it started as somebody who thought of an idea and it's It's worked and they have a couple organizations across California and Yeah, I just so happened to join it because of my mom who recommended it and it's like a three-part series So it's like every three weeks for three days on the weekend. So great. Yeah, okay, so like something continues So I got base, but based on what you told me, you know, it's just like, okay, I get that they encourage staying in touch Yes, that community. I don't it's I don't you know, and it's just sounds like a course where it's rooted in some kind of you have to do I don't you there's exercises or whatever Yeah Yes, so it would make sense to me if if there was communicate like almost like a lab partner or you know when you're in school and I and you had like a team project and That we're you know yet required you guys to communicate or a co-worker and if your boyfriend reads your text It's like I am talking about work or they're talking about the class. Yes, it is it it's like hey that we're a group Whatever this group is I think it's cool. Like listen. I think the world needs More things like this if this is just simply bringing people together with common interests and A chance to make friends. I think it's awesome. I think that's great big picture but If if all they words but like yeah, yeah, start make friends and you're making friends with this man slash mentor Who like just by definition like mentor like you get some kind of power over you potentially? I don't know. I'm a mentor kind of does and in some regards and and you're just asking of what he's up to this weekend I can see how I can see how that Came across a certain way Yes, yeah, yeah, so and we do we do have like a group group chats group smaller group chats of like because the big group gets Divided in smaller groups so when I saw it initially started as this person reaching out to me for the group But then it became very casual and I was like to me that sounds kind of creepy. Yeah on his part and oh Okay, really oh From the mentor. Yeah, a mentor in this group again the overall mission statement keep in touch. I get it That's positive. I have no problem with that, right? Yes, then the mentor reaches out to you. He has a reason reach out to you How does this mentor? Oh like late 30s if I had to guess I didn't ask all right But like you know within a dating since you know again like he's an adult man. You're an adult woman All right, so like he reaches out to you and then after he you know, like call it work You know after he talks about work. You just like so what are you doing is weird? It's weird Yeah, and if he's the person who is in a position of authority Well, you know, you it would make sense right like it could make total sense You could go to like some other mentor female you can be like, you know like I'm well down for keeping in touch But are we supposed to like is it like you guys like I want us making friends with everyone and like texting about like girl now Like you know like you like oh, I'm just new. I don't want you know like I just how I this is how I received it I guess I got it wrong that would make sense. You're new to this the reason they have mentors is to set the standard or yeah You know, whatever this thing is yeah, that he's a mentor of should be limited to the the group and and He is used I don't know if he's a way of your relationship status or how personally you guys get But if it had come up that you are in a committed relationship It would be fucking weird for your mentor to just casually text you To it and again, then you're again like you're an adult you could have not responded I'm not saying like you get totally off the hook, but there is a level of like I can understand that you might have felt like I don't want to be rude, you know like I'm in text and back. I didn't feel like I'm doing anything wrong I think you could have been a little more careful and I think you maybe Maybe if nothing else for a little naive. Yeah, but I think it's weird that this guy is casually texting you about what you're doing on the weekend Yeah, especially if he knows that you have a boyfriend Yeah, well, I stopped it at that after he asked me like what I was doing and stuff because I Internally what's feeling like that like should I should I be texting this person like I am gonna see them again So it is gonna be awkward if I just like stop responding. Should I respond with something that is kind of like setting a boundary So anyway, I just didn't respond and obviously he saw the message. So when he asked me it blew up It was like he just got up from the couch and He was very very very angry. I was that kind of like fuck. I I felt like I didn't have an opportunity to explain like How I felt um and so I just I don't know. I mean felt how you felt. What do you mean as opposed to what happened? Yeah, so kind of like what you're saying like I was toggling between Should I keep talking to this person because I do have to interact with them in the future Would it be awkward if I just to ghost them and then they asked like maybe to ask me in person and then I can explain Or like I was just playing all these scenarios in my head, but also taking account that I understand how it looks bad for my partner's point of view So did you get a chance to explain that to your your boyfriend? Well when he got up and was super heated like he was like pacing sure through His apartment and I was trying to explain to him and he was just kind of like no like this isn't a debate like I I don't care what you say. I think like I can't trust you And if this is what you're gonna continue doing or if this is what you want to do like you can do it but do it without me Yeah, he's heated but has he calmed down or where you had a chance to say Yeah, I definitely messed up. I completely understand why you're upset. I feel dumb I handled the situation poorly, but like you can trust me. Here's what happened. I joined this group. They've encouraged this He's the mentor. He reached out and like he kept asking me it I didn't think much of it. I thought I was being polite, but like I shouldn't have responded But I was like I was just trying to like Be nice to like my my yeah, you know whatever, but like I handled that poorly I'm sorry I should have considered your feelings and I should have made you aware of that you know about this and I'm really sorry And that's you know going forward and hopefully he can trust you calm down and been like kind of it does make sense You know, um, but and she acknowledged that she could have done things differently You're not being like you're not blaming it totally on this guy. Have you been?
able to do that? Have you had any kind of conversation like that? Yes, but the only reason I was able to do that, which is why now I'm like second guessing whether I should have almost chased him, was he completely kicked me out. So you broke up with him? Yes. This is comes out like when you say check, you know, so your question should I, in my delusion of chasing a man, he broke up with you. Yeah, but in a very, yes, in a very heated like, he says he gave me the opportunity to explain myself, but like in a very heated way, I feel like you were talking across the room. We're not, it wasn't like a, a very sit down, hey, like kind of what you were explaining. I've gotten to say that because I think it was like a week later. I went over and I was like, can we sit down to talk about this? Because I don't think it's like, I don't think you're understanding where I'm coming from. And he did listen to me, but he just told me that his person wouldn't do that to him. So he has a really hard time understanding why I would do that. Okay. Did you get out? Everything you wanted to get out. Regardless of how he received it. Yeah, a week later. Okay, sure. Later, month later, you know, like sometimes. Yeah, I did. And I apologize that I acknowledged. So there's nothing I almost said. Yeah, so if you got out what you got, you know, then I don't know if there's anything you can do. So do I think you should chase what is chasing? I just don't know if it's like worth. I'm like trying to make peace with the idea that maybe if this is like going to be a deal breaker. Because after that, like he was like, I'm going to try. But I really don't think I'm going to be able to forget about this. And I was kind of like, okay, is that really trying then? I'm not asking you to forget about it. I'm just asking you to like. Has he acknowledged that you made a mistake? But he like, you got to get to a point, right? And listen, this sounds like it's still raw, right? Like this we're in the heat of it right now. Yeah. Yeah, kind of it's like something we're both pretending to ignore. But I think it still kind of lives in the back of his mind. So we're kind of together. But you feel like you're on rocky footing. And he's trying, but he hasn't let this shit go. Yeah, because I at like two weeks after, his mom had given us like a family picture. And I was in it and he had it in his apartment. And he got rid of everything. He picked the family picture. And then when I came back, when I was like, you know, we were, we picked up our routine again. I don't know why I asked. I maybe shouldn't have asked. But it was a good eye opener. I asked, oh, what did you do with the family picture? And then he just went quiet. And then after that, it became the thing of like, you know what? I feel like I've tried, but I don't know if I can get over it. So it kind of like raced sparked, which is why now I'm questioning whether. So where do you even know if you're together or not? We are together. Okay. But will this keep coming up be an issue? Like will it be something that I'm always going to have to be walking on? I don't want to feel like I'm walking on. Yeah, listen, it's still okay. So my, here's my thought. This is. But say to my daughter, she came to me with this problem. Okay. Like it's still raw. It's still fresh. How old is he? 25. He's a year younger. Okay. And you guys first love his. Yeah, okay. So I'm his first real relationship. He's new at this. So, you know, you can cut him a little slack in that regard. His, his reactions a little like reactive and a little unconfined. You, you, just if you're just being an objective. If I'm, again, if you're my daughter and I haven't been like, well, I'd love to, I'd love, I'd feel more comfortable if you were dating someone who's a little bit more regulated, emotional and rational. But like he also is young and like, I don't know, I would, I, I, I made some mistakes. And I, you know, you, when you start dating, you have a lot of these. Like, this is all it's going to be. And I'm, I'm going to do this for my, you know, when you try to, you hear all these things about boundaries and maybe, you know, who knows? Maybe you've played them in episode and he's listening to me being like, boundaries. And he's like, yeah, I fuck yeah, I gotta stick to my guns here, you know? You know, and, and you gotta, you learn how life happens. Anyways, you're in there. It's, it's heavy right now. So it's not, it's not abnormal that a fight like this, but there's, there's some hurt and some confusion, the miscommunication that he, if he thinks that maybe you are lying to him, he's trying to figure that out. I'm probably talking to friends and getting bad advice along the way and all that stuff. Right. So, yeah. You know, I would give, I would give it a few weeks, a month, whatever. But you're right. You do not deserve to like have this be something. You have to live in this relationship. You didn't do anything wrong. You made some mistakes. He's, this is something you guys have to work through. So I don't know how you want it. You've, you've said everything you needed to say. Yes. Sounds like you maybe need to keep reminding him. And to say, listen, one, I love you and I want to work on this. And I, and I want to get over this. But I do need to know that you understand that, well, I made a mistake in, in how I communicated with him and I could have handled that better. Yeah. I'm not going to admit. I, I, I was not flirting. I wasn't, I wasn't going behind your back and I wasn't talking. I, I didn't, that wasn't my intent. Again, and well, I made that mistake. It, I, I need you to understand, like, just my position. Again, I, I was wrong. I didn't prioritize us. But this is not me cheating on you or, or going behind your back. And I would love a little grace on just like, on that. But like, my intentions were never to hurt you. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong at the, at the time. And more importantly, I wasn't going behind your back. And, and you can trust me. And he needs to accept that to a certain level. Yeah. Again, this is a, this is like something you need to work through. Is a couple because like you're both, you know, again, like, he'll definitely be put in a position. Somehow where he doesn't handle it perfectly. You could definitely find out and you would have the right to get mad. And you could be confused and maybe he didn't do anything wrong. It will, it will happen the other way around. Yeah. So he did ask me that he's like, if you, if I did this to you, like, I'm sure you would react the same way. And you could say, well, no, I would, I would listen to you, you know, I would listen. It would go a long way. If you would have been like, just give him that opportunity. Grace, because who know? If you thought he cheated on you, how would you react? Would you think you would, you think he would give him the space? Yeah, I don't know if I would be explosive. I'd obviously be very sad, but I would want to. Is it possible you could be explosive? Is it possible? Well, maybe, yeah. Okay. He, you know, so that's the place you got to come from. That's what he thought. Doesn't matter that you did. But that's kind of the emotional energy I was bringing. Again, if you're my daughter, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be like happy he handled it this way. But like, he didn't say anything super cruel. He got ad, he was pacing. He was like, in panicking mode, he's in fight or flight. You know, but he thought that's what was going down, right? Yeah. But that's the thing that he needs to believe you on not after he's calmed down. And, you know, because you, because your story makes sense. But like, you can, you can be, you can have been, you could have handled the situation poorly and still not have done anything wrong. Yeah. But when he's just like, how would you have handled it? You know, have a little humility, give him a little grace. But like, if you've never known when it feels like, chances are you might not handle it the way, you know, when you're calm, you know, like, I would think I'd like to handle this way. You might freak out a little bit, right? Yeah. And you might, you might make accusations. But to your point, you would after I calmed down, I would hear him out and I would trust because I've given you no other reason to trust me. If your story makes sense, then I would give you the benefit of the doubt. And that's what I'm asking you of me. Yeah. Right? So give him that, that like, yes. You see what he's seeing. He's not crazy for having, you know, the wrong idea. This is not, he maybe shouldn't have gone through your phone. That's maybe another thing, whatever. But like, he wasn't crazy for interpreting it, how he interpreted it. He's still got it wrong. But you understand, you know, I think that would go a long way. Because you know, none of us like to feel have our feelings invalidated. And when you're saying, oh, you shouldn't feel that way, I think that makes his nervous system more like less likely to trust you. So give him that win, you know, because you might lose your shit. He was wrong with the assumption. But the, that's, that's the state of mind he was having at the time. And if you thought he was cheating on you, yes, you would have lost your shit. But good news, I wasn't. I handled it poorly. But at no time was I flirting with this man? Do I have any interest in this man? And I definitely was a look. I was just trying to be nice with my, my class partner. And, but I still made a mistake and I was wrong. And I should have, I should have made you more, I should have made you aware that. This guy went from business to like casual. And I should have told you right away. Because that's the relationship I want to have with you. Yeah. So, and then another question kind of just pops in my head, because I was telling my sister about this. And she's like, and she's very much, guys and girls can be friends. She has plenty of guy friends. She's like, well, I think it's really unrealistic that you guys just can't talk to the opposite gender. Yeah. Like, that's another thing that you guys probably should, Samantha, no, it all depends, right? If you had a guy friend and he met and you all co-mingled and, and it was a melting pot of friends. And he became friends with them. Like, yeah, it would, those people can be friends, you know. But overall, I'm a big believer that if you want to be a committed relationship or there's a connection you're growing and you're talking about real life things like moving in, getting married and having kids. This is a relationship you're trying to cultivate into, like, a life
partner, then the energy you put in the opposite sex, like, yeah, like, I don't think should be much. And like, making friends at this stage of life and this, and, you know, in the relationship can be very confusing for each other. Yeah. Yeah. And in this situation, yeah, like, if you join a group that he's not a part of and he's totally down to you have your thing and you want and he's supportive. And there's people of the opposite sex of this group. That's how that's how it is. How will fairs happen? Like, you join things that you don't share with your partner and you become invested in it and you start connecting with that's how chemistry happens when people have a common shared interest in things that they're passionate about. Yeah. You know, and so he has the right, you know, to be a little nervous, right, that you're joining this thing that you're passionate about and you're co-mingling with people of the opposite sex and you're making friends of the opposite sex. And again, this guy was weird for taking it professionally into casually. And you know what I'm saying? Your boyfriend has to worry about guys like him. And you get to worry about women who like don't respect relationships and yada, yada, yada. So like, I, if I'm in a relationship like you, I'm not worrying about, can I still make friends with guys like if it happens organically and you guys great, it can happen. And that's different than you, both of you being like, you're not allowed to talk to the opposite sex and being controlling and that's not what I'm talking about. You know, and it would be, yeah, he, it sound like he was down for you to join this thing and, you know, and, and he wasn't like, well, other guys there, you're not allowed to do it because there's guys there. But like, then you missed and you started texting with your mentor. Yeah, valid. So for like moving forward, I think I'm in a place where because the whole family picture sparked it up again, I don't want that to happen. Is that me just like trying to, is it unrealistic for me to try to avoid things that may like spark the issue up because again, I understand it. You guys still have to deal with the issue. And again, I think there's conversations left to be had, which is you understand how I acted the way he did because you thought I was doing something like you thought I was being nefarious and you thought I was, I wasn't. I understand how you got that impression. I should have handled this differently. And he needs to give, he needs to acknowledge that like because he can't keep throwing your face. And he is allowed to like, you know, the, that's him lashing out that's him letting him letting you, that's him letting you know that he's still hurt. He's not over it. But like he's still wondering if you cheated on him and you need to get to the bottom of that. Yeah. Because if he's, you know, he, he doesn't need to forgive you for cheating on him. He doesn't need to, you know, that didn't happen. So you guys can, this can be an opportunity for you guys to like, let's, you know, like, hey, um, but like, yes, there is going to be a situation because you're not going to stop him from interacting with women that he might get in a situation where you misread it. And you might think he's a, you know, and that's going to happen and working through these problems. So, you know, I'm saying he does, he needs to acknowledge. Now that he's calmed down and that your story makes sense that you're not lying. So is it up for me to come to, I mean, I don't feel like I'm convinced him. No, I think you tell your story and you give him a little grace and maybe you repeated a few times, but eventually he needs to, and then you say, listen, I, I want to be with you, but I, I'm not going to be accused of something I didn't do. And like, I think you should, you reacted how you reacted. I get it. But now that you've heard my story. And if you can't, then I, you know, then I'm not, then yeah, then I think you hold your ground. I don't, you know, eventually you have a point to say, I'm not, you know, I apologize for what I needed to apologize for. I'm not owning up for something I didn't happen. And I, yeah, we need trust, and if you're not going to trust me, then, then yeah, we should, then he'll come around. Okay. He's probably going to test you until you get pissed. But he, he needs, you need to nip that, blin, that part of the bud. Does that make sense? Yeah. I guess my, like, should I, because in the long conversation that we did have a week later, and then again, when the issues sparked up, I, I did reiterate, instead of, well, you can look at, like, you saw the conversation. I was not flirty. I was not, you know, trying to give this, yes, I was replying, but I was not replying in a way that I was like giving hints of, I'm interested or I'm into you. Because yeah, he felt like it was emotional cheating, even though I made the point that like, you can look at him. Listen, you could be like, listen, if I, if I were taxing him with interest, I wasn't, and that, that would be, but I wasn't. I was, again, I made a mistake, but I wasn't, I wasn't flirty. I wasn't trying, I wasn't interested in his life. I was just trying to be polite. Right. So if it ever sparks up again, do I have to keep reiterating myself? And then this guy, if this guy texted you again? No, if my boyfriend just skips another, I don't know, another flare up. I mean, you know, like, three months from me, you'd be like, listen, I, you get, I'm not trying to tell you to be mad, but you clearly don't believe me. And I guess we need couples therapy. This, you know, just be, you know, like, do the things that you can take it seriously, because you're committed to this relationship, but like, you're not, you can't have him blame, you know, yeah. So I just don't want it to be prolonged. That's why I'm asking, like, how long do I really need to be giving him grace in order to not that much longer, not that much longer? Yeah. I think you need to, like, just be clear about what you need him to, what you, what you need from him. You haven't asked here. You need to acknowledge how we, how we handle it. He wasn't crazy for having the thought that he did. You understand. Yeah. And you're right. If I thought that was happening to me, I would be just is, I would have done the same thing, but what I think I would have done different because again, I know I wasn't entertaining any of this guy. I wasn't interested in him. I was just being polite. I understand I made the mistake of taking for granted that that was still inappropriate and I should have told you. I do need to know that you trust me and believe me. If a month from now, he's like, I still don't know if I believe you. He's like, okay, well, there's nothing more I can say. And if you can't believe me, we have a real problem. And I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me. So, you know, do we need couples therapy? You know, because I need to, I need to know that you trust me because again, I can acknowledge what I did wrong, but I'm not going to admit to something I didn't. And it's not fair for you to just throw this in my face because you don't want to believe me. This is something I think I'm in. You know, I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay. Okay. All right. Thank you. You feel good. You feel good? Yeah. I feel like I've already, yeah, I've already said my piece. I'm just afraid of like these flare ups in the future. And it's like, how long do I have to really keep almost like prepping myself? But I think you need to require his acknowledgement. I think you need to point it out that because I think there's a little confusion that like here, it's like you're still apologizing. I don't think you guys have really, it could be wrong, but like really separated the, you know what I'm saying? The mistake versus what you didn't do. And he's kind of lumping them all together. Yeah. I think he is. Like I think he, because his whole, just thing, I want you to convince, I want you to make it clear that he, he needs it. You need to believe you. It's not just that you're not just asking for a second chance. You need to know that he believes the truth. You need to say that to him. And if he says I don't believe you, then you can say, then you have, then you, then you have, well, I need to be with someone who does put the ball in his court, right? He needs a little bit of, he's throwing a little bit of a temper tantrum. He freaked out. He's not sure how to handle it. And now he's taking a little too far. But yeah, you need to stand up for yourself and give him that grace, but stand up for the truth, which is in doing the wrong. Okay. Okay. And I think that's the conversation that you still need to have. All right. Okay. Thank you. That makes sense. Yes. If you're good about that. Yes. Thank you. All right. Keep us posted. I want to know how it goes. And then we'll try again. All right. Okay. Thank you. All right. Take care. All right. Bye. Bye.
Podcast Summary
Key Points:
Amber is in a slow-burn relationship with a man who has limited dating experience and lacks emotional confidence in labeling relationships.
He has never been in a serious relationship, is socially reserved, and initiated a connection through a wedding invitation, which signals genuine interest.
Amber feels confused by the lack of exclusivity and labels, which contrasts with her past toxic relationships and desire for emotional security.
A brief encounter with an ex-partner caused tension, and her indirect handling of it made the situation more confusing for him, despite her intent to be honest.
Amber’s hesitation stems from fear of rejection and misalignment in expectations, but she recognizes the need to take more direct, vulnerable steps to clarify intentions.
The relationship is emotionally complex due to differing expectations about commitment, labels, and intimacy, with both partners feeling uncertain.
Amber needs to take initiative by directly expressing her feelings and commitment, rather than waiting for him to lead or test boundaries.
A key lesson is that emotional safety comes from honesty, self-awareness, and mutual clarity—not labels or timing—regardless of their romantic progress.
Summary:
Amber is in a new, slow-burn relationship with a man who has little dating experience and is socially reserved. " Amber, who has a history of toxic relationships, is uncertain whether the connection is genuine or fading due to mismatched expectations. A recent incident involving a brief encounter with an ex-partner led to confusion and a breakdown in trust, which she handled indirectly, adding to the tension.
Both partners feel insecure about the relationship’s future, with Amber feeling pushed to wait for him to take initiative. The core issue is not just the absence of labels, but the lack of direct emotional communication and mutual clarity. Amber recognizes she needs to take more proactive steps—being honest, vulnerable, and direct—to build trust and security.
She should express her genuine feelings, acknowledge her past mistakes, and clearly state her desire to build a deep, committed relationship. This would help both of them move forward with clarity, reduce confusion, and establish emotional safety. Ultimately, the relationship’s success depends not on labels or timelines, but on mutual honesty, accountability, and a shared commitment to growing together.
The advice emphasizes that being direct and taking ownership of one’s emotions is more powerful than passive waiting or testing boundaries. Amber is encouraged to prioritize self-care, seek personal fulfillment, and focus on building confidence in her own worth, which will strengthen her ability to form a healthy, authentic connection.
FAQs
Yes, it's common for someone new to dating to feel uncertain or cautious about commitment, especially if they're unsure how to handle relationships or what to expect.
Yes, a slow-burn relationship can be healthy if both partners are open, honest, and willing to communicate their needs and expectations. It's important to ensure mutual respect and emotional safety.
Clarify the relationship status by having an open, honest conversation. Express your feelings and ask for the partner's perspective to create mutual understanding and avoid misunderstandings.
It can be a sign of lack of dating experience, but it's not necessarily a red flag. What matters more is how he communicates, handles emotions, and shows commitment in action.
Yes, meaningful connections can exist without rigid labels. Focus on shared values, emotional connection, and mutual effort to build trust and intimacy over time.
Yes, acknowledging your actions and expressing regret shows maturity and respect. It helps maintain trust and demonstrates a desire to handle future situations more thoughtfully.
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