Carly, a 31-year-old mother of a one-year-old, is deeply strained by her mother’s persistent interference in her parenting decisions. Her mother frequently violates set boundaries—such as refusing to bring the baby inside for dinner or kissing the baby—while dismissing her perspective, calling it “insufferable” and emotionally manipulative. These interactions create constant conflict, stress, and emotional exhaustion, especially as the mother alternates between emotional volatility and coldness, often dragging Carly into her personal dramas. Carly feels she has no choice but to assert control by limiting her mother’s access, even if it means cutting off contact. Despite her emotional pain and guilt, she believes the only way to protect her mental health and maintain a united parenting front is to establish firm boundaries. She acknowledges that her mother’s behavior may stem from unresolved mental health issues, such as bipolar tendencies, and that she has no desire to change her. A key insight is that she doesn’t need to justify her decisions or convince her mother to accept them—she simply needs to enforce her role as a parent. The conversation emphasizes the importance of emotional self-regulation, recognizing triggers, and seeking therapeutic support to manage her feelings without guilt. It also highlights the value of setting clear, unapologetic boundaries and learning how to disengage from emotionally draining relationships. While cutting ties might seem extreme, the goal is not to abandon her mother entirely, but to create space for healing, stability, and a healthier family dynamic. Ultimately, the advice centers on self-worth, emotional independence, and preserving the parent-child bond without compromise.
(upbeat music) - How's it going? - Good, how are you? - Good, what's your name? - I'm Carly, I'm 31, and I wanna cut my mom out of my life, but I can't pull the trigger. - Okay, why do you want to cut your mom out of your life? - She is just really, for a lot of a better word, my husband would say insufferable. She deals, I think, with a lot of just mental health issues, and repeatedly crosses our boundaries and is super hot and cold with her attitude, and it's just very difficult to get along with in a day to day, and just recently, we have a one year old two turned one in July, and she has a really hard time holding to the boundaries that we have, that we've put in place to be her parents. - What are those boundaries? - Just following specific schedules. For example, the other day, she was playing outside with a baby, and I called her and asked her to bring her inside to get her started with dinner, and she was like, "Well, she's playing with the neighbors. "You want me to just let her stop playing with the neighbors?" She's having fun, and I'm like, "I understand that. "I'm sure she's having a great time, "but it's time to eat dinner." That's our decision, and she feels monitored and controlled, and micromanaged, and she just can't really accept the fact that we make the primary decisions. - And I guess how does that make you feel? - I mean, it's just super frustrating. It's frustrating that she doesn't respect us. It's frustrating that I have to fight with her every single time that she's over, and it's just stressful, like I just don't want to have her around. - And so, when you say you have to fight with her, why is it a fight? - Because she doesn't hear my side, so I'll be like, "Okay, I understand that she's playing outside, "but it's time for her to come in for dinner, "and I want to make sure she has dinner "at a certain time so that she's gets ghost asleep, "but at a certain time, we can follow our schedule." And she just fights back on it. She's like, "I don't understand why you have to. "You're ruining the energy of us playing. "We were playing out here, and now you're just taking it all away." Like, she just makes it a bigger issue. - So, Grandma's playing with your child, and you ask her to come in, and she doesn't agree, you're like doing it anyway. She keeps going, like in terms of. - Yeah, yeah, she. - Do you participate in that argument? - I just tell her, like, you're not understanding where I'm coming from, and I understand that you want to be a grandma and do what you want to do when you want to do it, but I'm the parent, and I get to meet the decisions. And I don't understand why it has to be so complicated. - What does she say? - She just says, "Whatever, that's fine." I respect how you want to do it, and you do it that way. And then the next time, it's another situation that happens like that. And just more recently, she wrote me, probably like a 10-page long email, just saying, "This is how I feel, "and this is, you know, 'cause she'll say in the moment, "Okay, that's fine." Carly, like, whatever you want to do, I respect it, and then she'll not actually mean that. She just kind of is trying to brush it under the rug, so we don't have to fight. But in the email, she's basically saying that she doesn't feel like I respect her, and she doesn't give me enough time with her granddaughter, and she feels just micro-managed, and that, like, she can't do things that she wants to do. Like another one is, you know, we talk about not kissing on the lips, like only me and my husband kiss our baby on the lips, and I've asked her repeatedly not to kiss our baby on the lips, and the other day, she said, "It's cannabis, and baby gives her a kiss, "and I got really upset." And she's like, "I don't understand how you could not want." Like, her to kiss her grandmother on the lips. Like, that's like a respect thing. Like, I'm her grandmother. Like, I was inside of you. Like, she was inside of me when you were inside of me. Like, we share the same DNA, and she'd just, yeah. - Does that carry assay? Why is that a big thing for you? - In the beginning, it was a germ thing. So we were like, it's our first baby. We were like germ freaks. Like, you know, we weren't even kissing our baby. And then, I think, like, my husband is a little bit more uncomfortable with it than I am. If I think about, like, my husband's parents kissing my baby on the lips, I'm like, eh, it don't really love that. So I try to just put me in my husband's shoes. He just doesn't really like kissing on the lips, and it's just not something that he's super comfortable with, but that aside, like, if we have a rule of like, you know, don't wave your hand at our baby. You don't put your pinky finger up like that. Should, should that not just be like the rule because we're the parents and we, what we say goes. - For her, yeah, I mean, yeah. But how, where does this all lead to you being like, I want to cut my mom out of my life? - She's, I don't like that. We argue every single time she comes over about the boundaries. She's not willing to understand my side, and accept what our rules are. And then number two, I just feel like she's just very hard to get along with. So like, one week, she's like, I'm in such big financial stress, I'm moving across the country, and you have to take care of your grandpa. Like, I'm sorry, but this is how it is. And she's calling realtors across the country. And then the next week, she's like, I'm never leaving my home. I'm staying here. I'm staying put doing what I can do. Like, she, she drags me into her drama and is very hot and cold, and it's like very intense for me to kind of be roped into that. And then also just like, she crosses my boundaries with like, she recently got divorced from my stepdad, and she just drags me into their drama and says that my dad can have his girlfriend to add my daughter's birthday parties or else she's not gonna come. You know, she just, she just, it's very stressful and isn't able to take accountability for her actions and her part in kind of the whole picture. - So you want to cut her off because of that and have no relationship? - I mean, it's just causing so much chaos and stress. Like I've tried to have a conversation with her so many times and I'm like, mom, listen, I understand where you're coming from, but I need you to hear what I'm saying. And she genuinely is so mind-blocked. She can't see anything past what her own reality is. It's just stressful to be around her and it takes a toll on my mental health and my relationship with my husband. - Why do you need your mom to agree or see your side? - Because I don't feel like she will change or respect us if she doesn't. - She's probably not gonna change at this point. She's old. - Like 60 something. Yeah, and I get that. And I think that's the hardest part is like, I don't want to be like, okay, things will get better if she changes because I understand I cannot control if somebody else changes and I need to be willing to adjust my situation and figure out what's best for me. It just seems like the only other option. What is your husband stand with in terms of this? - Yeah, he can't stand it. - Yeah, no, for sure. I'm just saying, but is he just like, is he like, I cut your mom off? How much energy does your husband spend trying to get on the same page with your mom versus you? - He doesn't spend as much energy getting on the same page with her because they just don't really cross paths like day to day or like week to week as much as we do. But in terms of like conversations we have, he's like, yeah, really like the best option is like, I don't, not to have her involved in our life. - Well, sure, I mean, like most, most in-laws are like, you know what, I, you know, if you're lucky to be like, you know, but it's like, yeah, they're here 'cause they're your mom or dad. You know, in terms of cutting your parents off, that's a pretty, that's a pretty big decision, you know? And one that, you know, I think sometimes an extreme situations is necessary. This doesn't sound like an extreme situation. This sounds like a really annoying situation and frustrating situation. You know, just like cutting a parent off is a huge decision that can have long-term ramifications of just like, you know, it can lead to regrets and things like that. I think one thing just from what I'm hearing from you that I feel like maybe you're not appreciating is that you are the parent. You are in charge and you do not need anyone, including your mom, to agree with you. And you don't need to see herself. She doesn't need to understand your point of view. You don't need to explain yourself, you know what I'm saying? And I think because she's your mom and it makes a lot of sense that you get roped in to these debates with your mom. She gets you to try to like, you know, get you to explain your side and you wanna see her side and it's become more of a, yeah, trying to change your mom, rather than just being like, honestly, you know what? I don't get, you know, you're not the, you know. - Yeah, I think that's something that I try. Sometimes I'm just like, let me just pick and choose my battles. Like, let her do what she wants with a baby so I don't have to just like, I don't, some things I don't care enough about, but it's like the things when we're asking her to do something and she is actively going against that and doing something else. That's when it's like, well, why is she has no respect for me? Like, why? - I don't think you should pick your battles when it comes to the boundaries you've set as parents that you expect all people. I mean, you know, even the kissing, you know? Like, listen, I mean, if Grandma does it, I don't think it needs to be like, you know. You can just continue to be like, I would appreciate you don't do that. For example, like, shows that we let River Watch. And there have been instances where we've communicated our expectations in those expectations for us.
weren't always listened to by grandma and that was annoying. And so like do you have a conversation about that and it's like just next time can you just be more mindful or you just let it be. No, yeah. We don't let that go, you know, but my point is is we don't like we stop at trying to explain why we feel the way we do, right? Not it's just more like I don't be cut because we're the parents because this is what we want. I don't we don't feel the need to explain it. I also I'm I've it's always been a strength of mine to be like to not to not need to explain myself when I don't feel like I need to explain myself. I mean that there's a downside of that too in other aspects of relationships, but in certain situations it's really helpful to me, even with my parents, it's like I'm not I'm not seeking their approval. I don't need to agree them to agree with me. I don't you know and I don't need to tell you why and you can you can disagree with me. You can say I'm doing it wrong. I don't care, you know, it's my kid. These are our rules and you can do it or you not do it. And if you don't do it, it will just certainly cause us to maybe limit your access. And I think limiting her access and and you know, just being like, well, if you're not going to do it, then like, you know, it can't help. I think I think there's a difference between limiting access and going so far to be like never, never call us again, you're out of our lives and ghost your mom. I just, I feel like I, I don't need to explain myself to her, but she's asking me like why she's asking me to explain myself and when I simplify it, she's like, well, I don't like how that is. And I'm like, well, that's the way it is. And then she's like, well, what are we going to do about it? And I'm like, well, there's nothing to do about it. Yeah. You're like, I don't, there's nothing for me to do about it. I don't, I don't need to change when it comes to how we want to parent our daughter. And again, mom, I love you. I love that you want to be a grandmother to our daughter, but like, you're not a co-parent. And as the grandparent, you know, I'm, I'm grateful that me and my partner in a situation where like, you know, like, you know, there's some families that like, grandma needs to take over and, you know, you know, the parents aren't stepping up. That's not your situation, right? There's nothing. That's the thing. You, your, your mom gets you to fall into these traps of making you feel like she's part of the team. And that gets you frustrated, but you fall into that trap of, of like, of feeling like you need to, you know, you need to get her on this. She doesn't need to be on the same page. And when she's like, what are we going to do about you're just like, what do you mean we're going to do about it? Either mom, either you're going to listen to how we want to raise our kids or you're, you know, or we're going to like limit your access. Now you can think we're cruel and you can think we're mean, but like we want to raise our kid in our way and we need you to respect those boundaries and you don't have to like it mom. You just need to respect it, you know, and if you're not going to that, you know, we're, we're going to pull back and you can be mad at me mom and you can say what you want. But like, at the other day, it's really important for us to raise our children how it, it's important for me to be a team with my husband. And that is my biggest priority. We're not asking for your opinion. When we do ask for your opinion, please give it. But when we don't, we don't care what your opinion is, you know, and your mom's going to act like a victim if you say things and love, you know, and but you, again, you have the ability, especially when it comes to your kid to not, you know, to really be like the only person I care, you know, the only, the only priority is my children and my partner and making sure that me and my partner on the same page and we are a united front and no one else gets to say shit about shit and we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone. You know, we don't need anyone to agree with us and you kind of, you can flex that muscle and you're not, you're not flexing that muscle, so to speak. You're, you know, she's like, she's saying things, well, what are we going to do about it? And then you're like, well, then I have to get my mom to see my side. And then she probably just exhaust the fuck out of you. Yeah. And you don't need to get your mom to see your side. You don't. You can just tell her no. That's fair. I, I do feel like we have distance ourselves from her that like she barely comes once a week and now sometimes when she comes, like we don't even talk to her. She just takes care of the baby and she leaves and there's just like a lot of tension. Like I just, I don't really know how to handle. Well, again, there's also a difference between a time out and a break in some distance and and cutting my mom off. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Everyone needs a break, you know, maybe that's okay. But I just think there's, it's, it's, it's another thing to make a conscious decision to be like, I'm going to cut my mom off. I'm going to have no relationship with her. And in five years, I won't, you know, she might pass away and I'm going to get a random phone call. Like you don't want that. You don't, you don't, you don't know. I know, it's, I know it's harsh and for some context, my sister actually caught her out and that was really hard for me to like accept, like how could you do that to mom? Like we're all that she really has. I might have not just explained it well. It's just kind of been a compilation of things like for the, for the last like 10 plus years that it just, she's just hard, she's just hard to deal with. She could potentially be bipolar. She is very high stress. She's very emotionally intense. She's very like emotionally immature and she's just, she's just hard to get along with. She's just, and it's just, yeah, I can only imagine have you, have you talked to a therapist about how to deal with people like her? Yeah, I've been in and out of therapy for quite a few years and it's, you know, it's been kind of a while since, you know, it's been like since before my baby that I've, I've talked to a therapist about it, but it more just kind of came down to how, what, what, what can I do? That's like best for me and my mental health. And it's kind of seemed like that kind of like distance or just like not having her as much a part of our lives is, is that answer. But then I also have a lot of guilt that comes with that, like if I'm like trying not to talk to her and like she's like texting me, I like, I kind of feel, I start to just like feel bad. Well, that's the thing I think that maybe like a good therapist can help you out with because again, this, this is like a needle. You need to thread and I understand that, you know, and it sounds like you just, if you can find the tools to be able to just, you know, recognize when mom's acting out, having an episode, if it's, you know, bipolar thing or whatever, or your mom's being insufferable to be able to just let her be insufferable and create that distance that needs to be created, I would just hate for you to make that conscious decision to cut mom out and then life to go on and then at some point mom won't be here. And and that will be something you will then have to live with and deal with and process and it'll affect your mental health and yada yada. I would much rather have you find the tools to deal with someone like your mom and most of which is to figure out how to not make it your problem every time and to disconnect, you know, without the guilt, you know, because I'm sure this is a, this is a years of programming that your mom's been able to make you feel a certain way when she's able to make herself the center of attention. It's exhausting. I'm sure no doubt. And you probably like, you know, it gets to you, you know, and she has a way of getting to you and finding that, finding that way of disconnecting from mom and, you know, when she calls you up and like, you need to do x, y and z, you have a right to say no, you know, and not feel bad about it. If right now all mom is a babysitter with tension, maybe you just to put a pause on that. And you can say things like, you know, mom, this is how we feel right now. You can speak your side of things, you know, there's a difference between telling your mom how you feel and just letting it, letting her sit with it. She doesn't need to agree with it. And you can say, well, you know, listen, you can, this is how I feel. You don't have to agree with it, but this is how it is. I just think there's a middle ground here. And a lot of it is not allowing your mom to trigger you in a way that makes you spiral. It feels a certain, feel bad, feel guilt, feel like you're doing something wrong. And really lean into me and my husband are the parent of this child. It is our way. It is our decision. We feel good about the decisions we're making. We don't need anyone else to agree or disagree, including our grandparents. Some things, you know, the kissing on the mouth, maybe you let it, Natalie was the same way. You know, it's like, it was, I think something that she was, she was like, I don't want anyone else kissing her. Everybody's on the mouth and I'm sure her mom has done that. Yeah, it's like, it's really like, it's not that big of a deal. And I know it comes from like a good place, then on the other side, it's like, well, it doesn't matter what the situation is if we're asking of you. Like, I don't know, my husband's parents are like very much on the opposite side. Like, they wouldn't dare to like, my mother-in-law was holding the baby with like her phone. And we were like, we really limit screen time, like, not to like show the baby the phone. And she was like, oh my gosh, that will never happen again. Like, I'm so sorry. And if I did that to my mom, my mom would be like, seriously, like, I am just showing her a video of herself, like, yeah, it's just exhausting that like, you know, we both of us feel like we're questioning or monitoring each other. And she just doesn't accept the fact that it's our decision and that's what it is. To be fair, she is great with the baby. like show.
bring her own toys. She's very, she's a master's in education. So she's very like interactive and doing like sensory activities and like she's great with the baby and the baby loves her. But in terms of how helpful she's never, well, it is, but it serves her like she's helpful in a way that serves my mom. So like she'll be like, I want to take the baby for a day to give you time, but I want to do this, this, and this with the baby like she wants because it's what makes her happy. But but is it helpful regardless of what your mom gets out of it? Yeah, but when it comes with like the stress of having her around, it's it's not usually helpful. I'd rather just take care of the baby and not be stressed. But like when the baby was a newborn, she never offered to pick up births. She never helped to clean the house. She never like did any of that. Like we've been taking care of baby primarily on her own since day one. So yeah, she's great with the baby and she, the baby loves being around her. But then I have to deal with the mental stress of like just having my mom around and that energy. And I have to cater to my mom. My mom is like, I want you to be making lunches while I'm here. Like it's disrespectful that I'm not like I don't get food like you guys make for yourself. I have to like pick up after her. She's like yelling at me from outside. Can you get the baby a cup of water? Like I have to clean up after the baby. Like she pretty much comes plays. I feed the baby. I have to clean up everything. She takes her and goes outside and then she leaves with like kind of the mess. Like she really just comes to spend time with her granddaughter because that's what she wants. She doesn't come because she wants to be helpful to us. You know, I do try to see like what I say to my husband. Like I'm just I'm glad that like my baby's so comfortable with her and that they play together and she is really good. And I do try to see that. And I also try to see the side of like I don't think that she's like mentally stable to understand what life this is kind of doing to my husband and I like like emotional wise. I think you should stop trying to see her side. I think the part where she gets you to try to see her side is the thing that's driving you nuts. And I think on some level there are things you can do. Again, because like this is just like it comes down to you got a lot of shit with your mom and some baggage and some probably a lifetime of that's brought you to this. It sounds like you're your your mom probably has some more positive effects than you're willing to appreciate. I understand why. But if you can get to like because your mom's not going to change, right? And maybe she has a mental health problem and she's in her 60s and she's just like this is who this woman is. But it is your mom and you only have one. And if you can get to a place where you can just stop letting your mom get under your skin, stop thinking about what her motives are and if she's you know if she's only doing it for her and not just who gives a fuck about that. If you don't want to make her sandwiches, do you think I'm not making sandwiches? I'm like you know and just like stop. Stop trying to convince her that she's wrong. Stop trying to get her to see your side and force your boundaries that you own force unapologetically. Which might require you know some pushback from her but stop short of again having to explain why. There's no why. There's no what are we going to do about it? There's just like mom, you either don't do it or honestly leave you know like listen, if you don't want to do it, you want to play with her kid, you know, then this is what we need to do. If you're not, then you can't. So then how do I retaliate when she's like fine, I'll leave and then she sends me like a three-page email saying that that was that was a hurtful situation that I answered leave. I mean, I wouldn't even three pages. I can't read three pages. I don't reply and I don't even read I have my husband read. I'm like give me the spark notes version if there's any like kind of emergency in there. A lot of times I don't even reply. No, a hundred percent of the times I do not reply. And what do you say retaliate? I don't read it. I'm just curious why I use the word retaliate. How do I I think I think I just meant like how do I handle when she I think it's interesting that you said the word retaliate. Did I say retaliate? Are we sure I need or I need to play back that clip. Yeah. A little Freudian slip. She gets onto your skin. I imagine why you want her to. Yeah. But that's I think that's your issue. And if you can try to tackle that to like not let this woman get on your skin and unpack with a therapist your trauma from your mom. And the way this woman has frustrated you probably for a lifetime, right? And find the tools to like honestly not give a fuck and let your mom give her the grace she needs. Again, there's a difference between grace and getting her to agree with you on understanding her. You don't need to understand her side. You know, you're just trying to coexist with the with this woman who's your mom and you recognize that you only have one and you're not trying to live with regret. But like you also don't want to. The reason for your call is to have to suffer for it the whole time. You can't control her but you can control what you know, like stop making your husband read it. He wants to read it. He's like he like he thinks it's laughable. He likes the drama. So then it's like and the stuff she says. Okay. But I don't think that's doing you guys any good in the long run because like here's like, you know, she writes this long letter, right? Letter. And it's got a bunch of like grievances. Well, you do this and I do that. And then you guys can like you read it together. Oh, this you see a lot crazy this is, you know, like, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it's just like you're you're you're wasting all this energy. Where is that getting you other than other you riled up so riled up, you know, like you don't need like at this point. And I think that's maybe, you know, we're like, again, I'm sure there's like a lot of parent child dynamics going on here, but like and I emphasize what, but you need to learn how to not let your mom trigger you so much. Because she's not going to change. And I'm guessing there are things you can do or not do more importantly to allow you not to be so activated by your mom. So that when she acts out, you can just disconnect. You can recognize what's going on. And just, you know, take a break. Yeah. You know, just like I'm sure you've had girlfriends or friends in your life that you're just like, you realize we're also kind of insufferable in paying the ads. And it was probably easier for you to be like, you know, man, I just don't talk to them for a couple of months. And you probably felt less guilt about it. Yeah. I feel like it's just more complicated with my mom, because she just is a constant like bombarding me to like, you know, she's good at getting in your skin. And she's good at getting you to to give in. Again, like boundaries are like you enforce the boundaries. And if someone doesn't respect your boundary, then it's up to you to, you know, do something about it. It's not always about convincing them to understand why the boundary exists. Yeah, that's fair. This is just me personally could be wrong. But like, I think cutting a parent off has more can do more damage than good. And but some people have no choice because they're, they, they're safety is in question. You're tired of losing our game of steamer mom probably. You're probably tired of, you know, now you're an adult and you have agency, you have your own kid. And, and you, you haven't probably learned the tools to just let mom throw her temper tantrum without you, you know, you have to learn, I think you have to learn the tools to disconnect with your mom and not let it get on your skin. And that's the thing you're having a hard time with. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So it feels like the only way to do that is to cut her off. And again, I think a break might be like, you know, to have a break, take some time away. You know, but you can say no to your mom guilt-free. And I think learning how to do that will go a long way. I know. Well, I need a, I need a part two on helping me how to do that because it's just, it's my own thing. And it's, and it's not just with my mom, it's with obviously in, in any, a lot aspects of my life, just who I am as a person. Yeah. And then there's always that, right? Like, the apple doesn't too fall off in the tree, you know, type of thing, you know, like this could be an opportunity for you early in your, you have a daughter. Yeah. And your daughter's life to make sure that like, you nip whatever thing you, you inherited from your mom that you don't even realize in the bud, so to speak. Yeah, for sure. And like, you know, don't try to try, this is an opportunity not to pass down those kind of generational traumas, so to speak. And you learning the tools to just regulate and, and learn how to deal with your mom in a more productive way. I think would go a long way. Yeah. And I don't know how much I can help you out with. I think I'm better at recognizing the problem. Then, you know, I think maybe an actual expert. Yeah. Might be better at this. But I think a lot of it is just like again, just giving yourself permission. It's reminding yourself, we're the parents. We don't need to justify to anyone, you know, we're making good decisions. We, we, we are a team and it stops there. And when someone, you know, and, and just never feel the need to explain yourself, honestly, like step one, I can give you a tip, stop reading those letters, to have him stop having to make it to you. He's egging you on. Your husband needs to help you out with just saying, you know, babe, honestly, I know it doesn't matter who cares. We're doing great as parents. Yes, that's annoying. Let's just ignore her. That's, that's what you need her to help with. Not the, not to be like, do you see how much you fucking wrote? How fucking crazy is that? I agree. I need to get him on here so he can hear you say that. That is not helpful. And it just makes a bad situation worse.
This woman, your mom is good at, she's like an energy vampire, she's an energy sucker. She is so good at making everything about her and you're tired of it and you don't know how to say no, you know, you don't know how to say not my fucking problem, guilt free. Go deal with your shit mom, it's not my problem and I would love for you to learn how to do that. So that you can have some kind of relationship with mom even if it's seeing her last but like so that like, you know, like there's something there that doesn't go so far to completely cut her off because I think I think the long-term consequences of that are potentially profound and you might not be able to take back. Yeah, that's fair and I hear you on that. Was this helpful? Did we accomplish what we wanted to accomplish? I appreciate your time, yeah, it's helpful here, just kind of another perspective and just kind of to take a step back and not feel the need to explain myself and just hold myself hold my boundaries and let it be, have her take it or leave it. Just enjoy this time as a parent and enjoy, focus on the connection with your husband and being a team with him and you know, if nothing else, allow that you guys to be more united but like whether it's your mom or someone else, like it's like that's their opinion and it's not your problem. That's helpful. And you have every right to say that. Thank you. All right, talk to you later. Yeah. Thank you. How's it going? It's going. It's good. Good. What's your name? Brittany. I'm 39. How can I help Brittany? I just recently started dating again after a divorce and I found somebody really fast and it's scaring me because it's like really fast and like really furious so. So you found them quickly post divorce and it's moving quickly too? I didn't find them quickly after divorce, like I always take time, like I take a long time after like relationships to kind of like get it together. So it's moving quickly? Yes. Like I got on dating apps and it just like I thought that it was going to be horrible and like I would never find somebody who was just very quick. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. I just wasn't quite like ready for that. I got on it because I was like, oh, like I'm ready, like you're kind of hoping to have some casual sex and some freedom. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's been, it was a long time. I was like, you know, I hear that's what you do out here. Like you find people and you kind of like, yeah, I was just looking for something like. Is this what you want? I mean, like, I thought I did. I thought that's what I wanted, but then I was like, oh, you're not sure if you like them that much. No, I like him a lot. So what's the problem? I, okay. So I was looking for something casual and now I found something that I think is like for real. Okay. And it's just like, is that what you want relationship wise? I think that's hard for me too. So when you got divorced, yeah. In the moment, like when you go, before you met new guy, what were in, what was your mindset about what, like what you were looking for relationship wise? Like what was your mindset leaving that relationship? Like post divorce, I didn't think of like relationships like at all. Like I just, like my whole thing was like, I wanted to get back like stable. I wanted to get my own house, which I did and I love it. And so like now I have like a really nice situation, like I feel really stable. Like I have a house I always wanted. So getting a divorce, your personal goal was to find stability in your life and you found that. Yes. Great love that for yourself. Yes. Okay. But then when you started getting on the apps and dating, what were your goals? My goals were just to see like if I even wanted any of that anymore, like just anything. Okay. And then you found someone and you sound like you wanted something, you did? Yeah. And it's, that's what scares me a lot. It's scary about it. I'm scared that it'll take away like my really nice, peaceful, basin. Have there been moments or situations that made you feel like it would get in the way? Like has he expressed like expectations of that he wants in this relationship or you're like, oh, that doesn't fuck with what I want for myself? Or is it just an abstract fear? It's an abstract fear. Like I have been really like intentional to like listen and watch out for red flags and things like that this time around. Okay. How long have you been dating for? Like a month. A month. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So maybe I just take a breath. Yeah. That's what's making it scary. Well, it's only been a month and like you in two months, you might learn that like you might give you the it can you might be out and you might be like, ah, yeah, not for me. Uh, or or you can keep getting to know each other and you can keep showing up in ways that you're like, we really like this guy. I think it's also important in this stage to talk about what you're now that you are in this relationship, whatever this relationship, whatever the label is, you being a 39 year old person, you know, you're not 21 anymore. Someone who's come out of divorce, it would make a lot of sense for you to just, you know, talk about what you what your relationship goals are. Do you have kids? Is he have kids? What's your dynamic look like? Yeah. He has kids. He's one. I don't have any. Okay. So you don't want kids. You do want kids. Don't get kids. We're. I thought that that like point was like gone for me. Okay. You know, like I just thought, you know, I'm 39. It kind of comes to a point where you're like, well, you need to, you need to or you're not going to. Sure. Essentially. Yeah. I don't know. He's talked about like the fact that like, if I wanted to have a kid, we could. And then like, that's also like, that's really early to talk about that stuff. But. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. I don't think it's too early a month in a relationship with two adult people to just check in about like what some of your non-negotiables are, you know. You could have easily entered into this relationship being like, listen, I know I'm 39, but I've always wanted to be a mom and it's a goal I haven't given up on. And I'm looking for someone who wants to try with me. It would be really important the first couple of dates to put that out there. You're, you know, it doesn't sound like that's where you're at. You're more like, you know, it didn't happen and I love my life. And if I'm comfortable, you know, like I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it sounds like that's kind of where you're at. Yeah. But it would make sense for him to check in and you can kind of give it a, I don't think that's too heavy. You know, it sounded like the conversation went well, though, too, you know, like where he was like, I'm amenable to that if you want to. Yeah. Without, without crushing you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was like, I think we have some time to like, and he tried to be like really gentle about it. He's like, I think you still have a little bit of time to like decide that if you want. Yeah. How did that make you feel? I mean, good, but then it also felt like I think the underlining problem I have with like all of it is that it's just going to, it's going to change my entire life. And maybe in a great way, but I've only ever had it happen where it's a bad way. Sure. Well, that makes sense. But why does it have to change your entire life? What do you think you have to give up to date this man? I think that if it keeps going the way it does, it's going to have to be like, I, you know, I have, we'll combine our lives, which is great in a lot of ways. But then it's like, do I have to get rid of my house? Do I have to combine all the things? Do I, you know, like those things are what is like really scaring me in the long run? Okay. Those things can be worked out. And I think there's a difference between, for example, a month in checking in terms of what your goals are, right? Kids being one of a big topic. So I don't think it's too soon to bring that up. I think it is too soon to worry about every decision you're going to have to make as a couple and get answers. But I don't think it's too soon for you to communicate to him. Just kind of where you're at emotionally, like I don't have you talked about your divorce at all? Yes. How have you, and kind of talked about how it affected you to have you talked about what you've accomplished as a single woman and how important that is to you? Yeah. And what that meant to you? And how did you respond? He, well, he said like when we actually had the conversation of like, I don't know if I, you know, I want to keep my things and stuff like that. I don't know if I, if I stated it correctly, but I was just like, hey, like my house and my peace and like my sanctuary, it's kind of important to me. And he was like, well, you know, if it came down to it, like you could have a prenup and we could have the things like that are yours and yours and you stay yours. But I was like, that still doesn't, I didn't really like help in my head to be like, okay, well, that's like now that's talking about Mary. He was kind of getting more solution oriented and thinking about that. I think it sounds like you just wanted him to hear you. Yeah. And I think it's more like, listen, it's not, it's less about the stuff. It's more about what this meant to you. And I think it would be okay for you to say, listen, I didn't expect to find someone like you this early. I'm excited that I did. You've given me hope when it comes to my dating life because honestly, I had the lowest of expectations and it was kind of prepared to be single for a while and honestly was content with that. And post divorce, it was really important for me to get things that were my own and I've worked really hard and I got this house and it really made me feel good about myself. And I'm nervous about letting that go.
And despite it being really great so far with you, it's only been a month. I really need to go at a slow pace here. And I hope that's okay. 'Cause yeah, it's too early probably, it's too early to talk about marriage and stuff like that. You guys could easily date for a couple of years and you have your stuff and he has his. And as you guys continue to date, maybe you spend more nights together at each other's places, but like you can communicate that like you're not looking to play house or really talk about marriage right now. That's too much for you to process, but you really, right now I just wanna keep getting to know you. And I keep, I wanna keep having fun with you. I wanna keep, you know, having high quality moments with you and just have some fun. You know, just enjoy each other right now. I think outside of tackling some like, what are your non-negotiables, you know? Like if you were super religious and that was really important for you, you'd wanna bring that up, you know? It's just like, you know, at this point in your life, you're just like, hey, these are some things I'm just, I'm steadfast. I wanna have kids, I don't wanna have kids. That's important to bring up. The, how are we going to, you know, live our life, like figuring out every decision you're gonna make as a couple to that, you don't need to do right now. And you don't need to do any time soon. Right now you can just, okay, great. We're on the same page, kids, which is like, he's amenable to it if I change my mind and decide I wanna do it. If I don't wanna have kids, he has kids. That's not like a big priority for him. Neither of us are super religious. We're not highly, you know, we're politically aligned. What if that's important to you? Great. Like there's no obvious red flags in terms of ways we're gonna butt head in the future, right? We're not doing the thing where we both think each others are hot. We have a good time, he makes me laugh. But we haven't talked about the fact that like, I don't respect his political beliefs and there are a couple topics that if we do talk about it, we're gonna realize how far apart we are, you know? So like, you know, does that make sense? Where you're like, some people do that, where they just enjoy, they just have fun. They push the serious conversations aside and then a year later, they're like, well, I guess we gotta talk about it and then you realize, holy shit, we are miles apart. Yeah, and I think it was a kind of unique situation too, because like I met him and we hung out for like a week and then he like went home. So he like, he originally is from overseas. And so like, he went home for like two and a half weeks and I was like, maybe I'll hear from him, maybe I won't, like that was again, like we hung out for a couple days before he left. We were in constant contact. So it was, it was really cool. I got to see like a lot of his hometown, like he would FaceTime, maybe we would talk. We had like all of these really intense conversations. So like all of the things that you would, you know, like just the deep stuff, like it almost felt like I really, really got to know him over those two weeks, even though like he was not here. That's awesome. And so like all that stuff felt really aligned, but then I think that too, like escalated things pretty quickly because it was like the continuous talking and the continuous conversations, like it just- It can escalate the excitement, but it doesn't have to escalate the pace, so to speak. And you guys can talk every day because that's what two excited people who like each other do, you know? That doesn't mean he gets back from vacation, be like, all right, like I want to spend every night together. You can be like, well, I'm not ready for that yet. - Yeah. - That's sure. - You can do that. You can make it clear that right now, like you're not looking to combine your life with anyone. Right now, I just want to get to know you. My divorce was difficult. That relationship was hard. There was a lot of things I don't want to replicate. I just wanted, I'm new to this dating thing. I want to take it slow. I'm so excited about this. And I want to continue to get to know you. Like there's the, that's the thing. You're confusing getting to know this person with like feeling like they're like you, while you get to know him, you have to change your life. You don't have to change anything about your life anytime soon. And you can still get to know him. And you can still spend a lot of time with him. And at some point, he might be like, well, I want more. And you can say, well, I'm not ready to do that. And then might be, then you can address that problem then. - Yeah, that's helpful to hear. Cause yeah, for some reason, like in my head, it's like, it's like thinking like, okay, love this continues to go like everything has to change. But that's just me. - It doesn't have, you know, no, you don't have to change anything. You know, you don't want to. And I think it's just really important. You talk about why this is so important to you. And you may find that like, as you get to know him, he, he gives you more and more green flags and doesn't make it, you know, make you feel like, you know, maybe in your last marriage, it sounds like maybe you had less agency than you've wanted. - Yeah, I mean, last relationship I had, like it really, it messed me up a lot. And the way it ended was like really, it was just a lot. So like the fact that I like took the time and it felt like I just lost everything too. You know, like I, my first house I did have we bought together and I had to lose the house. And, you know, like I lost my marriage, I lost the house, I tragically really shattered my wrist and had to have surgery at the same time. And my dog died. So it was like, it was like all those things compiled at once. So like to break it down and to deal with it, I like, was in therapy instantly so that I could like work through the things and that crack up essentially, like it was a lot. It was like all those that feeling of loss and all that stuff that happened just in that compact amount of time, I think when I feel like my life is changing or unsettled, it's kind of like those feelings kind of, you know. - Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, the big, I mean, a big thing to how comfortable with him, do you feel about opening up about this stuff? Because I think it would be really important, especially as you get to know him to be able to open up about this stuff. - I told him the situation of it, like, you know, essentially what I just told you, like, it, you know, all that stuff happened. - How did he respond? - He was like, well, that's tough. - Like, did he make you feel like he understood? - I don't know if I ever, like when I'm kind of present stuff to people, I always have like an era of like, oh, well, it happened and like, I'm okay. No, like I, and essentially, I am okay. - You can both, you can be okay and you can have come a long way and you can be also not there yet, so to speak. - Yeah. - You know, healing is like a, almost, like, it's like a never-ending journey. - Yeah. - And you can say, like, listen, I'm really proud of how I've healed from that divorce. I'm really proud of what I have accomplished for myself post-averse, and I have an attachment to that, that I don't easily want to let go. And as we move in this relationship with each other, I might start feeling a little bit differently, but right now, I just want to be up front with you that I, I'm, I don't think I'm probably fully healed from this, and I don't, and that's why I want to take things slow. Because I don't want, you know, stuff from my past relationship to believe in this relationship, and hopefully you just hear from them, like, no, that makes sense, I understand. And yeah, I really like you, and like, yeah, listen, I'm not in a rush, you know? I just want to keep getting to know you. If we do decide to get married someday, yeah, there's, we'll have to start making, we'll make some decisions, but we're a long way away from that. But right now, I just want to keep getting to know you, and also, by the way, I think it's really cool what you were able to accomplish by yourself, and that's probably the reason why I'm attracted to you, and yada yada yada, and hopefully he says stuff like that. But like, you, you have to be able to be vulnerable and be like, you know, I'm not, you know, I'm not there yet. And that's okay. - I am more vulnerable this time around than like normal. Like I have been able to express and open up and talk about that kind of stuff, but yeah, I always, I know that like healing is a continuous thing. I just went, I don't know, like just starting the relationship again, just always like gets those little bits of feelings that I'm like, oh yeah, those are the ones that I was working on. Those are the ones that I have to like-- - What do you mean? - I don't know, I just like the relationship stuff, whether it's, you know, as good as it is or not, I just think to myself, like, oh, okay, when is this gonna, when is this gonna like destroy my life? And I hate that I think that it's like-- - I mean, that's, I mean, listen, you've been through a divorce. You understand how fragile relationships are and how quickly they can change. Your relationship didn't start how it ended, you know? The person you divorced wasn't the person you married. You've learned that the hard way. And so yeah, these are, you know, you have some scars. You also have a better awareness how to protect yourself. And you finding that balance between protecting yourself but also still willing to be vulnerable, you know, and taking a risk, you know, like, listen, if you, there's no guarantees of this guy, you might get hurt again, that, you know, that's the choice, you know, that's a relationship, so to speak, it's being willing to take that risk. The good news is you've already survived it once and you did it, and it sounds like you crushed it. Fastened, you thought you would. So knowing that you can survive it, I would lean on that. - Yeah, surviving, it's fun. (laughs) - But you're not giving yourself enough for credit. - Yeah, I know, I know, it was hard, and I did, yes, I survived it, it was good. - Are you proud of yourself? - Yeah, I am. - Okay, good, yeah, I mean, you should recognize that a little bit more. I think you should just, maybe once a day, just really acknowledge how far you've come from that divorce. I mean, you're not there yet, you're not, you're not a finished product, but like, I crushed that. I just better than I thought I would. I still got a lot of ways to go, but I did survive it, and I'm better for it. I'm happier now than I was in that relationship, and that's not something that everyone is able to say. - Yeah, that's true.
That's actually really nice to hear your perspective on. - You should tell yourself that more often. - Yeah, I mean, I have really good friends around me and support and I was really afraid when I got a house that I was gonna be like, oh, I gotta do all the stuff now. Like, especially the snow blowing out there. It's gonna be rough. - And yet? - You figured it out. - I figured it out. - Yeah. - And I still have all my fingers. So that's, you know, that's a bonus too. - There you go. - I mean, listen, I think you should try to enjoy this new relationship. I think you should be comfortable with communicating your needs as often as possible. And that's different than playing house and planning a life together. Try your best to not worry about things that don't need to be addressed today. - I can try and I try not to future trip and that's like, and I tell myself that too. I'm like, hey, this is just, this is just you talking about stuff. This is just you guys getting to know each other. And it's like, you don't need the future, the future will come when it comes to them. - Yeah. It will. Yeah. Are you still in therapy? - Yeah. - Great. I would continue to talk with your therapist about this relationship and how it's progressing and get some tips on when you're feeling a little like triggered or whatever or uncomfortable. Just, you know, check back in and again, try to get out of your head. And usually, listen, like usually when something comes up, something's happening in the relationship that's causing you to get triggered, you know, and maybe it's like, and I guess it's like you're feeling something and you're not finding the way to communicate it. And so then you're not communicating it. So then you're probably worried about what they're thinking and then you start making assumptions of how they might, you know what I'm saying? Like, and try to get better at recognizing that you're being triggered. Talk to your therapist about how you're feeling and then get the tools to communicate that with your partner in a way that you feel like you're being heard. - Yeah. - This is great. I'm really excited, like this is going, you know, I just wanna make sure I'm taking things slow. - And I needed somebody else's perspective 'cause it's like in the amount of people that I've like told, like my close friends and my family have told like six people. And like half of them are like, oh yeah, go all gun hoe and the other half are like, okay, just like, slow it down. And I'm like, okay, well, that's like a 50/50 ratio. So I just feel like somebody else still like. - Yeah, I mean, I think gun, I mean, I don't know what going gun hoe means. I mean, I think you should be able to enjoy and embrace this exciting thing. I think you do both, you know? You don't know this man that well, it's only been a month. You really like what you've seen so far. A lot of green flags. Maybe the red flags haven't shut up yet. Does that mean you need to like spiral and wonder what those red flags are? They will show up if they come. And yes, you may date them for a year and then decide you don't wanna be or he'd be with him anymore or maybe he breaks your heart. You know, that's part of jumping into relationship and you survived one, you can survive it again. You want, your goal I would think is to just make sure that however you lost yourself in that first marriage and however you felt like you stopped able to communicate what you needed in a way that was received. And try to identify how you communicating your past relationship and make sure that doesn't bleed in this new relationship is important. - Yeah, and I had to work on like trusting my thoughts again, like trusting my actual like decision making again from the last time around. So like. - Well, I would lean into the decisions you made for yourself outside of that relationship. - Yeah. - Again, like give yourself some credit. How did you tackle those challenges as a single person? - Yeah, I mean, I was able to like, without anybody around that I'm able to, I gotta really know how to explain it. Like, I don't use the word like gas lighting easily and I know it's like a really like word everybody uses for it. But like throughout the marriage, like eventually like I didn't, like my actual thoughts that I had, I didn't know if they were my thoughts anymore because of what I was being told or like how I was being treated. So like. - Has he has your new guy done anything that made that that triggered that feeling? - No, no. - Good, good. - Want to start? But again, like I think just checking with your therapist about what was that like when that was happening? What did that look like, you know, and get better at kind of recognizing how you were feeling? So that, you know, if it comes up again, you can try to address it, be more confident. You've made a lot of good decisions for yourself and whatever you're losing yourself in that marriage, you've been able to reclaim as a single person. - Yeah. - And just keep reminding yourself that you've made a lot of great decisions for yourself. So you know how to do that. And you still want to feel that in a relationship and you don't want to lose that agency. So hopefully he continues to validate you. If conflict comes in when you're not seeing eye to eye, that's, that will be really important, you know, when that happens to like checking with your therapist so that you don't feel like because he can disagree with you and he can not understand you. And that doesn't mean he's gaslighting you, you know? So to speak. - Yeah. - And just making sure that like when that happens, you are, you know, because you might get triggered and you might, you know, he might make you feel a certain way without him realizing it. And that's when you really want to like focus on your communication. But don't, you know, I think it's just really important to give yourself a lot of credit for what you've been able to accomplish post divorce because that's the new you. The old you left that divorce and you've done so much work on yourself. You've come such a long way. And while you're not a finished product, this new you is more relevant than the old you. You might have left a lot of that person in the past with that person you left. That person might, you know, show up now and then. But that will be really important for you to like remind yourself of like, you know, I am so capable of more, right? I'm guessing you realize how much more you're capable of to take care of yourself and make decisions for yourself is a single woman than you felt in your marriage, yeah? Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's it's nice to have the things that I set my mind out to get. And I got them. - Yeah. So lean into that. That's my advice. I think you're doing a great job. I think you need to give yourself more credit. And when it comes this guy just take it slow and keep communicating, keep getting to know each other. Be vulnerable with him, hopefully, you know, and it's okay to say, listen, I don't want a problem. I just want, I just want you to understand where I'm coming from. I'm not, you know, I have a bad habit of trying to solve problems that don't be solved yet. I'm not trying to even solve problems with you. I'm not trying to figure out where we're going to live with each other any year. I just, I just want to let you know that like, I just want to, I really enjoy getting to know you and I take things slow and I love that we're talking a lot. And you have the right to slow things down and see how he responds. 'Cause it sounds like in your past relationship when that happened that your ex didn't allow you to be a part of that, you know, it was like a, he had a certain way of thinking and he wasn't open to hearing you out. - Yeah, it was. I really didn't have a whole lot of say. - Yeah. So that's really important in this new relationship to still feel like you have a say, right? And that feeling and that will be really important for you to check in with yourself as you get to know this guy. And as this relationship evolves, do you still feel like you have a say? Do you, does it feel like he hears you? You know, does he acknowledge your insecurities and concerns as opposed to telling you what to do? - Yeah, that's good. - Cool. - That's a good way to check in, yeah. - All right. - Yeah. - Is this helpful? - It was helpful, yeah. - Okay. - It was. - You're doing great. You've done a lot. - Thank you. - Pat yourself on the back. Remind yourself of how much you've crushed it. And you don't, you don't have to lose that going into this relationship. You just have to check on yourself a little bit more. Stick with the therapy and practice communicating with him. Try things out and open up to him. And see how it responds. And if it doesn't go the way you want, you can leave that relationship and you already know you can survive it. - It's like you. - All right. - All right. Well, thank you very much. - All right, good luck out there. Keep us posted. - I will. - I'll take care. - All right, bye-bye. - How's it going? - Good. - What's your name? - Brittany and I am 42. - How can I help Brittany? - How do I move on with my husband after financial resentment? - So you're still together? - Yes. - You want to move forward with him? Not on? - I try to or just know when to throw the towel in. - What happened? It started when my little sister embezzled from our company. - Oh my God. - And I kind of warned them a few times to go and check our accounts and get it dealt with because it had happened previously. - Well, there's a second time your sister stole money from you? - That is correct. And I had tried to go into the office and be more proactive with our company. And it just was not ever embraced. So I kind of took a step back because we have two kids. Then as time went on, I started noticing our accounts being minimal. Again, even though there was money going in, told them, "Hey, I think this is happening again." He said, "No, she wouldn't do it again." And then about a year and a half later, we're knee deep in debt and financial crisis. And this is kind of a pattern of his that he makes big decisions and goes again.
against what I tell him and then they have a huge impact on our family. - Is your sister going to jail? - Right now, she is in a facility, a mental facility. - Okay. - We did have to push, press charges on her for insurance reasons. She took quite a bit of money, were a small business family on business. And so it had a huge impact. So that was a lot to deal with on top of the resentment. That I have, because I feel like it could have, not have gotten this far, how do you listen to me? - What does he say now? - He doesn't say much. - Why is he so willing to give her a second shot? - It's, I don't know. I don't, I begged him for a long time to not have her on our accounts. And she somehow, I do feel like there's a missing puzzle piece that I'm not putting together why she did have so much freedom with my money. - And why weren't, you able to do something about it? - I wasn't on any of the accounts. - But she was. - And she was. - Why, why, I don't understand. - I don't know when I think that's where my frustration is with him. - Did you ask to be like? - I did. - And he said no? - Yeah, he just, you know, kind of always put it off for a long time. And then I, after I dropped the kids off at school, I would go down to the office and sit and tell them like, hey, I want to be more involved. I want on the accounts. I want to oversee everything. It was never pursued on their end. Until finally after like five months of being down there, I was neglecting everything at home for no reason. - So what's the situation now? Or do you have full control of your finances? - No. We have another office lady who she's not on the accounts and we go over the bank statements weekly. You know, when he's the only one that is on the accounts right now. - Why hasn't that changed? I don't understand. - I think that's where my frustration is, is I don't know. I feel like I keep pushing and I will show up and be like, hey, let's go get me on the accounts or let me be more proactive in our company because now I'm starting to look for another job outside of our business because we meet, I mean, financially we're ruined. - Do you feel like he's hiding something from you? - You know what? That crosses my mind a lot and I think that's where the frustration and resentment a lot of it comes from. You know, like what is in there that you don't want me to see and I don't necessarily think there's anything that is what we just see as of now because we do go over the financials. You know, like his bank statements to see kind of like what's ours and what's the shops. - Have you, I mean, does he know where you're stand right now? Like, does he know where you're at in the relationship? - Yes, I've talked to him. But he acts like nothing's wrong. Like he'll come up and still try to hug me or kiss me or try to cuddle at night because it's cold. And to be honest, he makes me physically ill at this point. - Have you told him that? - Not in those mean of words? - I mean, it sounds like you have to have a come to Jesus moment with him and just say, I'm so confused. None of this makes sense to me. I have tried multiple times. Well, A, I warned you about our sister, my sister. And for whatever reason, my own sister had more financial access to my own money than I have. Whatever the reason is, I've asked to be on it. And you've put this off constantly and that it doesn't even add up. It makes me worried about like, it puts thoughts in my head. And now I'm at the point where, quite frankly, I don't trust you with our money. And I'm confused is to why you quite at this point are so resistant to putting me on it. It makes me feel like you're hiding something. It's affecting our marriage to the point where I'm not, you know, I do resent you. And we need to make some changes. And I need some, I need clarity from you and I need transparency. And more importantly, I need to, you know, like are you telling me you can't go into the bank and get full access and visibility into your own finances without his permission? - To our personal bank account, I can. - But not to the business. - But not to the business one. Like if he were to pass away, I wouldn't have any resources to even get tap into that money. - It's not even, the business isn't even your name. It's his business, so this way. - Correct. - Is that like, he doesn't want to, you know, he's worried about, you know. - You know, he has a control inside. He wants to be like the male and the man, you know, that makes, you know, all the decisions. And when it comes to the kids, that's my department and the house. And then when it comes to like the business and things like that, I don't have much of a say. Even though I, you know, fought back, it just turns into a huge argument. - He argues with you, he doesn't just dismiss you. - Correct, like he'll argue and it depending on what it is. Like this is a pattern of his of making big decisions that affect the whole family. - But you haven't had that come to Jesus moment with him, Foley? - I have. It was, you know, especially when it first happened. There was huge conversations and that's when I said, I want to go be a part of the business. And, you know, I went down there all the time again. And he was like, yeah, totally. I get where you're coming from. And then it just kind of like slowly faded away. - You did a good job of communicating it. And then he, I guess, heard you. But at that point, are you like, what, did you, like I'm making an appointment for us to go in and you put me on? - And you know what, I haven't gotten to that point yet because when I ask like, hey, what's your schedule like or if we go down today or tomorrow, you know, he always has some kind of like catastrophe that he's dealing with. It's almost like when I push the issue, he has like a, this guy is falling, you know, crisis. - I mean, listen, it sounds like you're at the verge of questioning your marriage and it makes a lot of sense. It's not, you're quite frankly like in an unsafe situation and there's been repeated patterns. He's giving you reason not to trust. If nothing else, his decision making skills. - 100%, and that's the part that's hard is because now I don't trust him with, you know, family decisions. It's so what do I, what do I do with you now? - Does he know you're on the verge of divorcing him? - Yeah, we've talked about it, especially when, you know, he knows me looking for work is going to be the next step to get away from him because in the finite, I think maybe that's also why he feels like he doesn't want me to part of the business because of financial independency he doesn't want me to have. It's almost like a way to keep me with him rather than change his ways. Because I'm not looking to get out, but it's almost like he's leaving me no choice. - Have you communicated that to him? - Yes, and he's really good at receiving the information as I'm giving it to him. And then maybe two, three days later he'll come in and kind of twist my words. - Yeah, listen, I don't, I mean, this is obviously a, sounds like a pretty serious situation. And I think you, it sounds like you're just kind of at your wit's end. - I know, you know, this was just kind of like the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camel's back. We moved from where we were living and moved like 40 minutes out of town, you know, with property and stuff of the kids when we day and his parents sold their home where they lived and moved on our property. And I told them that is a terrible idea because they don't have the best of relationships. So now they live literally kind of in our backyard. That has created a lot of issues again between him and I because of his reaction to his parents. He won't tell them, he takes it out on me. - You know, you, you seem like you have a very like demure and gentle demeanor to you, which is lovely. You're kind of at your wit's end. And if, you know, you're on the verge of getting another job. But like, it's almost like you need to just say fuck it and really start taking care of yourself and your kids and just make and realize how serious you are about. Like this, we're at the, we're at the breaking point of our relationship and like this is what you want. I don't know, I guess you, I hate to say you got an issue like an ultimatum or a threat, but like listen, I will, I don't want to do this, but I, you know, I'm more than capable of getting a job. It's going to suck, but I will like, I'll take it. I will, I'm a survivor and just kind of get mad and get angry and just stop, stop asking for his permission and start making more consistent demands and follow through with those demands. Or else, I guess. - Yeah, I mean, honestly, that is a very true statement that you just said is stop asking for permission and demanding. But I don't want to say it scares me, but it does make me nervous when I start doing that with him because what if I can't follow through? - What do you mean? - After I make all these demands and say I want to be a part of the business and then, you know, then I fall through. - How, how, what do you mean? How would you fall through? - To put it into words like what if then I fail as far as being able to keep the business foot or maybe I start making the bad decisions? - Well, you guys need to be a team and like neither of you are perfect. He either wants to be a teammate or he doesn't. Right now he's not a,
very good teammate. You don't have to be perfect. What you want is to help him protect the family more, you know, he should want your help right now. It sounds like you're just, you don't have a lot of agency and he doesn't want to give you up any control. And as a result, you're just sitting there kind of in a state of fear and the unknown. This isn't sustainable. Like, obviously, you know, it's like, you don't want to get the forest and break up your family, but he's kind of giving you note, this isn't sustainable. It's not. Yeah. You know, this is definitely like you said, I'm at my wits end. So I guess I would say anything is better than this. And, you know, you get a job, what, you know, like, there will be bumps in the road and you might fall in your, you know, you might make some mistakes in falling your face, but like, at least you'll be in control of your own destiny, so to speak. And you at least, you know, right now, you're trying to make decisions. You're probably some pretty good decisions. He's being resistant to your help. The mistakes are happening and you're just, you have to deal with the consequences of all the decisions, but you're not able to be a part of the solution. 100%. So, you know, like, start making, start demanding to be a part of this decision, one way or the other. Now, he can say no and he can keep doing what he's doing, but at that point, you might have to say, well, then I'm out. You know, you're leaving me no choice. I am no longer willing to sit here and have my life in financial decision being dictated around me or feel like I have no agency. And I want a teammate. And you don't want to be a teammate. You can't appease me by just agreeing with me only to not do anything about it. I'm sick of that, you know, I don't want to do that anymore. And if you're not actually going to include me in our life and help me help you, because also like, I want to feel like I'm a part of this and I want to feel like, you know, and you don't want to give me that, then I have no other choice. I really like that wording. Yeah. And if he, you know, each, well, you can't do, you know, if he does things that makes you feel bad about yourself, that's, you know, then that's more, that's more reason to leave. Yes, because that's the things I feel like I'm constantly a sitting duck in his decision-making and have all the consequences. And I told him like, the decisions and the consequences that, you know, you go against me on what I tell you not to do, at least if they were together, I would have a part and be like, well, yeah, we made that decision together and, you know, it didn't work, but here it's like I'm just constantly living in his consequences from his choices. I think he's just targeting Mad. You know, and that's the thing is I do. And then I feel like with my personality is, I'll say, I say what I have to say, you receive it and then we'll move on and let's, you know, I won't hold much against somebody once they say, sorry, I won't do it again. Well, he's good at apologizing without doing anything about it. And you need to communicate like, this is like, that's no longer good enough for me. And you need to like, I guess, challenge, you know, when he apologizes to be like, well, that's okay, good, whatever. I don't, I need action, not words. That's a good wordy because I can be really good with words sometimes except for when I get really emotional. And then it's kind of like a word vomit because I just have to get it out and get it said. And then I'll see his reaction. And sometimes he'll take it really well. And sometimes he, like I said, we'll take it well in three days later, kind of come back with a different story of what was talked about. Do you guys have a prenup? No, we didn't really have much when we were, you know, when we got married. If you, I guess my point is if you do divorce them, you get half probably. Yeah, but half enough in right now. Well, either way, like, you know, yeah, I mean, I would get off, you know, get half. I mean, we have a lot of equipment and some equity and the things that we have. I just think you need to follow through on your frustrations and start like being, you know, because right now he's used to you expressing your frustrations and he's good at saying what he needs to say to get you off his back. And I think that's the part you need to change, which is to not let up and to insist on it's happening today. I don't care what's going on. And if he, like, finds a way to not show up, then you have to take that as he's not, he's not willing to do what it needs to be to, you know, and eventually he does not get to the point where like you're, you're giving me no choice. Like are we actually, are we getting divorced? Because at this point, if you don't make changes and if you don't take me seriously, if you don't include me in this marriage, if you're not a better teammate, I need to leave. I don't want to leave, but I will, and I will survive it and I'll get a job. And if that's what I have to do, it's what I'll have to do. I mean, you are right. I mean, I guess as much as he's giving me empty promises, I'm giving him empty threats. Yeah. That's, that's, yeah. Yes. I guess it's time to stand my ground and put the ball in his court. No. Nope. The ball is in his court. You need to take the ball. It's ballsing your court. And you need to start showing, you need to start showing up that way. We can bring that energy, stop waiting for his permission, take charge, be, be, it's just, insist into the point where you, if you, when you don't want to insist anymore, then then, then it's time to get out. You've been waiting too long for him to make the decisions you want to make. He's not willing to do that. So you need to start making it happen. And if he is so resistant to letting you take charge, then you have your, then, then you have your decision. Yeah. You're right. It's, um, maybe I've been hesitant because I do know what's coming. Well, that's not. I mean, obviously scary and easier for me to, easy for me to say, oh, you should do this. And then obviously you have to deal with that. But it sounds like this is a miserable situation and you're living in a constant state of fear and, and, and, and, and helplessness. And it does feel like, well, divorce and all that is horrible and messy and yada, yada, yada, that what you might gain is some independence and some taking control of your life. And at least you'll be able to like feel like, I'm, I'm, I can make decisions for myself because right now people are making decisions for me and I'm getting fucked. We don't want to keep that going. So it's, I would focus on that and let the chips wall where they may. I recognize that those chips may fall in a way that's going to make in the short run. Things kind of difficult. Obviously that's having to deal. That would be difficult. But like right now, this is a terrible situation. And this isn't sustainable. You do not want this situation any longer. And you're not willing to accept it any longer. And anything is better than this. Yes. I mean, anything is better than this right now. And you need to say that to him. And I'm, I'm, I'm no longer willing to accept apologies and, and empty promises. And I'm, I'm, I'm demanding change. And if you don't change, I'm going to start making some changes and you need to follow through with those changes and you need to start taking action in your life and get mad, you know, and you have the right to be mad. You've been way too patient. When a, you know, the fact that your sister stole money and he didn't immediately remove her is crazy. And it suggests that maybe he's doing some shit that he's not, I don't know. I hate to say that. But like it just sounds like he's hiding something from you because like it doesn't make sense why he's doing what he's doing. No, it makes zero sense. I feel like I don't have the whole story like there's a piece of this puzzle that I'm missing that when I find it, it'll be like a, uh, now, now it all makes sense. Yeah. I would trust your gut. And I have that gut feeling because you're right. I don't know what the answer is. And it may, it might be horrible. It might, maybe they're, maybe they're in cahoots. I don't fucking know who knows. Or, and maybe it's not that bad, but it's something. It's something. Yes. And every time I've kind of said that to somebody, they're like, no, there wouldn't be. He's such a great guy. And he's, he would never do something like that. But then why is he being so again, like you just have to insist, you just have to like then, then do something about it. Or I'm out. Like you're giving me note, he's giving you no choice. You're asking for reasonable things. He is not being reasonable. And there's a reason why. Yes. Outside of him being, you know, a, a tradhunt's been or something where he's just like once, you know, the, but yes, I want you get mad, take charge of your life, stop, stop with the empty threats. He is just used to appeasing you. And I let him. Yeah. Don't let him anymore. Your goal is to be like, I'm going to show him a new me. And, and it's, and this is going to be, he's going to want to marry, he's going to want to stay married at this new me or he's not. Yeah, because I'm ready for it. You know, I'm ready for the new me. Yeah. You sound ready. You sound fed up. You're, like you, you know, you're, you're ready to take charge. So go, go take charge of your life. And in the meantime, you know, again, if, if divorce is in your future, you know, maybe see a lawyer protects yourself, talk to, you know, your, who's your people, your resources, your family, get your support system. Don't make rash decisions. Don't let them trigger you. Make sure you're making like good decisions. Get ahead of things while you're working on your marriage. Is this helpful? It is the, it was a confirmation that I needed in a lot of ways. Okay. Well, check in with us. I'd love to keep posted and see how things progress. Okay. It's going to be luck. All right. You got this. You got this. All right. All right. That was good. Thank you so much to you. Bye.
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Podcast Summary
Key Points:
Carly wants to cut her mother out of her life due to repeated boundary violations and emotional unresponsiveness.
Her mother consistently ignores or fights over parenting decisions, such as meal times and kissing the baby, despite clear rules.
Carly and her husband feel they are the primary decision-makers as parents and do not need their mother’s approval or understanding.
The mother’s behavior is described as emotionally intense, inconsistent, and manipulative, often dragging Carly into her drama and stress.
Carly experiences significant mental stress and emotional exhaustion from constant conflict, leading her to consider distancing herself.
She acknowledges the emotional toll of her mother’s behavior and the guilt of not communicating, but believes firm boundaries are necessary.
A therapist is recommended to help her recognize patterns, manage emotional triggers, and develop tools to set boundaries without guilt.
The advice emphasizes focusing on parent-child unity, self-assertion, and prioritizing her mental health over reconciliation.
Summary:
Carly, a 31-year-old mother of a one-year-old, is deeply strained by her mother’s persistent interference in her parenting decisions. Her mother frequently violates set boundaries—such as refusing to bring the baby inside for dinner or kissing the baby—while dismissing her perspective, calling it “insufferable” and emotionally manipulative. These interactions create constant conflict, stress, and emotional exhaustion, especially as the mother alternates between emotional volatility and coldness, often dragging Carly into her personal dramas.
Carly feels she has no choice but to assert control by limiting her mother’s access, even if it means cutting off contact. Despite her emotional pain and guilt, she believes the only way to protect her mental health and maintain a united parenting front is to establish firm boundaries. She acknowledges that her mother’s behavior may stem from unresolved mental health issues, such as bipolar tendencies, and that she has no desire to change her.
A key insight is that she doesn’t need to justify her decisions or convince her mother to accept them—she simply needs to enforce her role as a parent. The conversation emphasizes the importance of emotional self-regulation, recognizing triggers, and seeking therapeutic support to manage her feelings without guilt. It also highlights the value of setting clear, unapologetic boundaries and learning how to disengage from emotionally draining relationships.
While cutting ties might seem extreme, the goal is not to abandon her mother entirely, but to create space for healing, stability, and a healthier family dynamic. Ultimately, the advice centers on self-worth, emotional independence, and preserving the parent-child bond without compromise.
FAQs
You can consider limiting contact if her behavior causes significant stress and she refuses to respect your parenting decisions. However, cutting off a parent completely is a major decision with long-term emotional consequences and should be approached with care and alternatives like setting clear boundaries.
You should calmly and consistently enforce your boundaries, explain your reasoning, and be firm that as parents, you are in charge of raising your child. If she continues to resist, consider limiting her access to your child and your home to protect your mental well-being.
Yes, it’s healthy to stop explaining yourself when your boundaries are clear and consistently upheld. You don’t need to justify your decisions to your mom; as parents, you have the right to make decisions that prioritize your child’s well-being.
You don’t need to reply. Let her express her feelings, but don’t engage in the conflict. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, share the situation with your partner and decide together whether to respond or simply disengage to protect your peace.
Yes, guilt is common, especially when you’ve grown up with a deeply connected relationship. However, it’s important to recognize that your mental health and parenting are valid priorities. Guilt should not stop you from protecting your emotional well-being.
Yes, you can set boundaries with respect and consistency. For example, you can clearly state that only you and your partner are allowed to kiss the child, and if she violates this, you can calmly limit her access as a necessary step to protect your parenting authority.
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