E1198 - My Ex Took My Dog | Ask Nick

I was still friends with a prior situation and my boyfriend did not like that. In a situation, there is someone who wishes they were at least at some point together and then they have to accept to remain friends that they're not going to get what they want. And there's always the, well, what did you do with those feelings? Right. Who was the hopeful one in that situation? Um. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Zoe. How old are you? 35. How can I help? I've found the person I want to spend my life with but I'm struggling with whether choosing him and giving up a future with children and whether that's a choice I can make and remain happy. Is it because he doesn't want to have kids? Yes. Okay. I think he has been dating. Um, two years now. When you, and you wanted to have kids, is this something that's recently changed? Like, when you first started dating, what was it kind of like, uh, I want to have kids and he's like, I really don't but maybe I'll change it and now he's like, I'm not going to change my mind kind of thing. Yeah. Kind of. Um, when we met, he knew I wanted kids and he was kind of up in the air about it. Um, and he is older than me so, um, I think just with birthdays and kind of, he's used to his lifestyle. Um, he came to the decision that he does not want kids during us dating. You know, I said that I wanted to think about it and see if I could weigh being with him over choosing kids, um, and I kind of just hit that point of, I have chosen him but, you know, I obviously still think about it and. Well, when you think about your life, you're only, you're only 35, um, what do you want that life to look like? I don't know. I mean, I, I enjoy traveling, I enjoy hanging out with friends, um, I come from our family and have siblings and we're all very close. So I, I'm good with kids, but I also enjoy my time as well, um, right now I am definitely enjoying that. And I do just wonder like when I'm getting older, if I'll miss that art of life. Yeah, I mean, we, I guess my question to you is just like, you know, your answer is kind of like very like 50, 50 and you can see both sides. I don't know. I guess that's just kind of, you know, the state of mind you're in right now. You're trying to, mm-hmm, but when you're really thinking about like, I guess why do you want to be a parent? Like, is how, how like what are your reasons for wanting to be a mom? Yeah, um, and you know, I've spoken to my family about it too and they actually asked me the same question. I kind of realized like I think that was just a natural thing for me to always think like I would have a family and have kids and, um, kind of mimic the childhood that I had and, um, I never really had to question it. It wasn't something that I really had to think like, oh, it wouldn't occur. And now that I am, I mean, really, I guess the only answer I can come up with is like, it could give me a purpose and I think I would be good as a mom. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's really what it comes down to it. I think honestly, it's a question of fulfillment, you know, outside of the challenges and difficulties that is being a parent of which I often talked about more so than the, than the joys of parenting, um, but it is something that a lot of people find incredible fulfillment from, right? Um, and it is a type of, I have, I have described it as like the easiest, like, cheat code for like a North star, you know, for a sense of purpose. There are obviously other ways to accomplish that and I'm just one person, but I have found that just my personal accomplishments and I've been very fortunate to do a lot of unique things. They don't really have a, again, this is just me personally. They don't have like a lasting, anything cool, like whether it's an award or accomplishment, like, you know, like, yeah, winning as state high school, you know, state championship track and field or going on reality TV, you know, being the bachelor, these are, they become cool memories, but they all just become memories, you know, because they're all like your, you know, a trip you take, it's a, you know, uh, and those are important, you know, you want, you know, you want to experience life. Something about being a parent is like, there's this joy that comes every day, you know, um, right before you called in, my daughter came in the studio and was being really cute and annoying, uh, and I had to get her out, you know, because, you know, I had to, to work. Right. But that was a, it's a, it's like a calming moment. Um, and then again, the question, you know, the question you have to ask yourself is, what are you going to do for fulfillment and purpose, and again, like again, just being, being a parent is not like a mutually exclusive thing. It's not like you're only a parent. I know certainly a lot of moms can feel that way where it becomes almost too much of identity for a period of time. I recognize that, right. But we all, we, we all need a purpose, humans need a purpose, you know, we need a, we need a community, you know, we are, um, and so I guess having a family is like the easiest way I suppose to ensure that no matter how your life plays out, and, and it's always very unpredictable. That does a good chance our family, uh, will be a community that, um, sticks with us. Now that's not always the case, and it's becoming harder and harder these days because like so many, you know, so many people on, online, you know, if, if they don't have a relationship with their family, they want to encourage people not to have a relationship with their zine, et cetera, et cetera. But that has been my experience. So, uh, how long you been into this guy? Uh, two years. Two years. I would just hate for you to give up on something that you want for another person, because that, that, even if everything's perfect, you will always have that level of, I gave this up for you. Yeah. Um, and that, and that's, and the truth is, neither of you really know, you know, like you could decide not to have kids and have a truly extraordinary life and have no regrets. But, you know, there's also a chance that life will happen, um, challenges will come up. And if things don't work out, um, in a way that feels perfect, you know, later in life when it's not an option, it might be something that, you know, the simplest way to say it is like kids is a non-negotiable for most people one way or the other, right? Yeah. And you are, you are debating whether to go against a non-negotiable. Yes. Because of the person he is, I've, I've struggled with dating, I've, you know, been in, the dating world for quite a while and it, it, it's hard to find somebody and he really does fit. Uh, yeah. No, yeah. And there's no way, not that you want to convince someone to be a dad who doesn't want to be a dad, but he's, he's, he's, there's no, he's convinced. Yeah, I mean, we've had several conversations and he, you know, I mean, I, he would be a great dad. He is, he comes from a really good family, um, all of that, I think he's just, I kind of understand it in a, in a sense, um, he is 45. Okay. Um, and, you know, I've always also said like I, each to their own, but I also haven't wanted to be a mom when I'm older, um, sure, so it does kind of scare me to, uh, and this relationship and then have to go back into the dating world and, you know, that could be whatever, however long and then by that time anyway, like I, I wouldn't want to, I know, I'd be closer to 40 and starting, starting babies, um, yeah, it's a, it's a real, it's a real pickle you're in. Um, yeah, and I know no one really has the answer for me, but it's just nice to get some outside perspectives. No, I hear you. It's just, um, it is a tough, tough situation because, but back to, you didn't really answer the question. It's just like he's, he's adamantly against it. He doesn't want to do it. Yeah, I think if I really, um, if I'm honest about it, then yes, yeah, he's, he doesn't want it. Okay. Still me like he can walk away if it, because I, you know, I told him I can't, I can't make that decision. I don't want to lose it. Um, I hate that you were considering not having kids for a man who says I could walk away, where he's just like, well, for me to pursue what, what makes me happiest. I mean, he does, no, I hear that, but like regardless, you're, you're sitting here being like I, yeah, I want to have kids and he doesn't, and, and you're empathizing with his point of view. Um, he's empathizing with making sure he doesn't want to be the bad guy and he doesn't want to have you resent him. Mm-hmm. And he's, he's being empathetic towards, you know, hey, I don't want to take that away from you. But at some point, listen, you would want a little bit of selfishness on his part. Like, listen, you can do what you want, you know, he can't stop you from leaving. But I, I wouldn't want, I wouldn't want him to be like, listen, if you really need to do it, I understand. And without, without putting up a fight, you know, like, you know, for, you know, this is someone you're, if you're willing to give up on this dream, uh, for this guy, I just want to make sure no matter what happens in your life with him, he's willing to fight for you in this relationship. Yeah. 'cause you're, you're, you're, You're giving up a lot for this relationship. What is he willing to give up for this relationship? I don't, you know, it's like, yeah, I always say I don't want to expect you to get off the call. I'd be like, all right, I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I'm going to stay with you. I need you to give up something. But like, it's just, you know what I'm saying? Like, I would be uncomfortable if I were you. Knowing that he's not, it's, it's, it's, he just doesn't want to be the bad guy. Yeah. But I get it, you know, like, you know, I'm sure you're at the point where it's, you don't want to get back out there. And yeah, that's to be the only reason. I mean, obviously, you know, I found him unexpectedly. So it can happen. But I also know that it can take very long time. Yeah, I mean, listen, I could say you, you, you look like an absolute catch. You know, I, you know, but yeah, like I could say all that into your, you're being pragmatic. And I, I, I want to allow you to be pragmatic because this is the decision that does, you know, require some pragmatism because you can't, you know, it's, it's a very unsexy decision that feels like there's no, there's no good answer. And the reality is is like you might, you know, you're just, again, you're just giving, you, you'd be giving this up. There's just no way for you not to feel the weight of what you're giving up for him. And, and I guess my question to him is, like, if you've put it this way, it's just like, I, I really love you. I, I despite this decision, you've been, you know, the, it's the best relationship I had. You're the best guy I've met. Yada, yada, yada. And I want, I want to be with you that much I know. And I, and I understand you don't want to have kids. So I want to be with you. But the reality is is like, well, I'm, it's like, I almost want to know, like, what is he willing? And again, this is not something like where you need to say something, but it's like, the other side of the resentment, I guess what I'm trying to say, because he's like, oh, I don't want you to resent me. Okay, that's fair. No one wants to be resented. You don't want to resent him. But the reality is he is going to have to take up some burden on this. He has to be willing to acknowledge and just know that this woman gave up this dream of hers to be with me for the rest of our relationship. And again, like the right guy is going to be like, I want, I'm going to, I'm up for the challenge. I want to, you know, like I, I, I don't want to resent me. And I want to give her a great life, you know? And, you know, it's like, it's going to require some, you know, as opposed to be like, yeah, thanks. All right. Well, you don't want to kids anymore. Great. Now, I guess we can, we can continue to just keep things as is, you know, just, you know, you know, you know, you get what I'm saying. Yes. And I have to talk to him about like, obviously, it's going to come up. I'm going to see my friends with kids or whatever. And if I'm feeling some way, like, you're going to have to, you know, we have to talk through it. And there's going to be those times. And I need you to make sure that we're always being able to communicate about those things and planning our, our future. Like, I have to make sure that that's occurring. And we're not just like in limbo because I made a decision and now you're happy with that on a thing. Yeah. It's what, and what did he say to all that? Like, what's it? Is it? Is this what's he agrees? And we have, you know, there have been moments where I do get down about it or I'm thinking about it. And we, we discuss it. And he always just kind of says, I'm, he listens, he acknowledges it. And he says, like, I'm going to try my best to make sure that we always have things to do and keep it adventurous. And sure. Let me ask you this. When you are alone in your thoughts, are you able to answer the question? What do you, what do you find yourself convincing yourself more of? Convincing yourself that you, you know, while you always thought you wanted to be a mom, it was just something you kind of was always thought. And, you know, maybe it's just, you know, it's just like that was just how it was raised. But I don't know, maybe I don't really want to have kids as much as I thought I did, or is it convincing yourself that he will be enough and, and, and try, you know what I'm saying? Like, which one do you, do you feel inside you're trying to convince yourself more of? Probably the, the latter. That he's enough. Yeah. I think so. I do. I look at my life right now at 35. I'm like, yeah, I'm totally okay without kids. I'm, I'm enjoying life. I'm happy, you know, but I just, is that going to remain as I'm getting older when I'm not as, I don't know, things to do in adventurous and whatnot. Yeah. And what's your circle? Like you're, you obviously are your friends. They are, I'm so, I'm assuming some of already have kids, but like are your other friends? Are they all, what path are they on? I would say I actually have a 50, 50 split. I have friends who are, you know, start families. They're married. They have kids. And then I have the other side who still hangs out. And I have no, you know, responsibilities in that sense. And some of them actually don't want kids. Some of them are also just struggling to date and find, get on that path kind of thing. So on my side, I'm filled with both. I will say on his side, he actually, I think he only sees kind of a lot of, well, his friends are older. So a lot of them have very much older kids. So that's done. And the ones that do have young kids, he's always like, well, they don't hang out anymore. And that's like kind of what occurs. Whereas my side of friends who are having kids are like, they're still, they make it to things. He sees that. So it's just, yeah, it's a little bit illicit. It's a little bit of both. It's like, you know, I think Nellie and I are more homebodies in general. We're also, I'm a big believer that like parenting does not have to stop you from having a life. You do have to like prioritize things and make it happen. And definitely there's some work involved in it, but you can. Yeah, I wish I had a better answer for you. I would just, I would think about what you're convincing yourself more of. I'm a big personal believer in betting on yourself. You know, betting on yourself is to not be afraid of the dating landscape and know that you're a catch and, you know, but at the same time and like, you know, this is definitely like an adult problem, you know, this is. Yeah. Yeah, it's a big decision for you. So, and I don't think you have to rush right now, but yeah, I wouldn't spend I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't punt. I wouldn't make, yeah, you know, take your time, but you have yourself some kind of deadline. Because eventually, you just have to make a decision. You don't want to a year from now, still with him feeling like you still don't know the answer. Yeah. And I think we've made some questions to, you know, kind of ask him to and talk to him about. I would love to see him do more than just agree to do things, you know, on your ass. I'd love to see him fight for this relationship. Either like debate having kids or just really be like, I listen, I don't want to lose you either. And I'm, I will have, you know, I don't know, just like, even if it's bullshit, like sell a great life to, you know, like because it just sounds like he's trying to maintain the status quo. And I think the important thing for you is to know that no matter what you want, it's not this. I understand it's a good life, but I think, you know, what is, what is this life you two are going to create for yourselves? That's going to feel like you've built something for yourself. And I don't mean like a career, you know, like, but just a commute, you know, like what is yours? You know, and I think that's what I, like the family or cheat code or kids is it, it's like, you know, and you just, you know, it's a fulfillment question. How are you going to feel fulfilled when you're, you know, 50, 60? And that's, that's, it's really important to be honest with yourself about that. Yeah. So I appreciate that. All right. I wish that was more helpful. Now you're, you're great. Good to talk to. All right. Well, I appreciate the call. We'd certainly love an update if you have one to give in the future. I would bid on yourself one way or the other. You know, thank you. I appreciate that. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Hi. I'm Imogen. I'm 26. How can I help Imogen? So I'm currently not with my partner that I've been with for the past decade. And I'm kind of feeling nervous about how to move on from that, because it's been such a long relationship. We started dating when I was really young. And what happened? So I kind of had like a mental health emergency. And I feel like it was really shitty timing on his part to break up with me because it was right after I was like hospitalized for my bipolar and stuff. How long ago was that? This was about three, four months ago. Okay. And how long did you just find out your bipolar or is this something you've known you lived with for a while? I just found out like officially, officially because of the hospitalization. Okay. But yeah, I had like some doctors tell me that there's a chance that I was before this. So I've always kind of struggled with mental health stuff. Okay. Yeah. And so he broke up? Did he essentially break up with you once he found out that you were? Pretty much. Yeah. It was like a month after all of that happened. He was like, there's nothing wrong with you. But it sounded like he was just like, I can't do this kind of thing. And yeah. So I could probably use some advice on how to move on from a relationship that I thought from the time I was [BLANK_AUDIO] teenager yeah I would be forever so how old are you again I'm 26 okay so yeah we started dating when I was 16 okay all right well one I'm sorry this happened I'm sure you're feeling lost very much yeah and I'm sure it feels really heavy and scary and sure it feels like you don't know what to do I don't know how much is going to help right now but like you're only 26 and I think realizing that you have time to figure out whatever challenges you have is a comforting feeling no you know and 26 is a very at least it was for me and I think for a lot of people a very difficult age to have the necessary perspective that is required to get through adult challenges and problems and this is definitely a big one right yeah and you're kind of in that stage of life where you're very much an adult 26 just in general is like a type of you know that age range is like the first often nowadays it's the first time we almost like we hold ourselves accountable to be adults like when we're like you know when we're 18 we're just like oh when finally an adult and it's like but we're not 21 yet so like we're waiting to be 21 and then we're 21 it's like okay well I can you know these milestones and then you're turned 25 and you're like I don't have my shit together you know yeah yeah I feel that yeah it's the first time you start you like you see 30 around the corner and that can fuck with you but you're still really young and my biggest challenge at your age was to have perspective right because everything just kind of hit really heavy I didn't have the maturity and perspective of just telling myself to slow down and calm down because a lot of these adult problems that I dealt with for the first time and you know I'd ever dealt with them yours obviously is unique and just a challenge regardless of your age and I empathize with that taking out the diagnosis listen anyone in your shoes having only dated one person since there was 16 at 26 regardless of what reason they broke up it would be very difficult right yeah yeah if I feel like part of me still feels like we're gonna end up together maybe who knows who knows yeah would definitely not shock me if how long have you broke been broken up for it's been a few months okay at this point my family was pretty my family's pretty upset with them we share a dog so I kind of have to okay reach out but yeah whose dog is it I mean we got it together so it really is both of ours who like who wanted to get the dog me at the end of the day you know a dog as much as they're apart they're not kids yeah and I think you can often narrow it down to who one of the dog and who got the dog yeah I personally think does this might be a million people like a who listen my disagree I think he have the right to fight for that dog okay and you can't split up that advice yeah yeah I he doesn't want to be in your life and and he has a right to not being your life and you guys just need to move on with your lives and sharing custody of a dog is just a guarantee to make things way more difficult for both you especially for you yeah definitely and then when you consider your your mental health and just you know silver lining and I'm sure you've heard this from family members right now is that now is a great time to focus on yourself yeah and you are much younger than you feel I promise you that you've you've struggled with your mental health but you didn't really have an answer you now you have an answer and as scary as the answer is having an answer is a good step forward defining solutions to your problems I'm sure it was very nerve-wracking having mental health issues without a clear diagnosis and answer what was causing those issues and now hopefully you have yeah doctors you feel good about and in a plan to help treat you know you're bipolar definitely yeah and I'm sure though obviously you'll be probably put in some medication they're you know managing stress taking care of your health exercise all these things I think it's for you know I am not by I'm not a professional so like just if I'm saying anything wrong you just tell me to go fuck myself but I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that like you know just you having a routine and you like figuring out what you want and need and you know just like a single mother who has to worry about dating and having kids and wondering if you know who's gonna you know our other man gonna accept her you know the truth is like some might not but some well yeah I think it's really important you know this is something you know again like you need someone who can be by your side and can and have the strength to get through it part of it too was the fact that he so eight months prior to our breakup he had asked me to marry him so we were fully engaged and I thought that that meant like through sickness and health and all of that yeah I know that's hard engagement's not a wedding yeah but I hear you like listen I'm not trying to minimize what what what I'm sure felt like that moment but thank God for you I as someone who's been engaged more than I've been married yeah I'm very grateful to not have married those some of the people was engaged to yeah no disrespect to them yeah there it was a small part of me that felt a sense of relief when he broke up with me just because yeah but if you you know no and somebody in your position you never you never imagine is no one does that you would ever be engaged and then not engaged anymore not married like you just no one plans that when it happens it feels like an L you know it feels like a little bit of a stain it probably feels like oh not only in my bipolar I also had to tell people I I was engaged and now I'm not and you know it's just it's very easy to go down there I also have to cancel a wedding and I also have to cancel a wedding now and all of that comes with that but yeah it definitely was hard yeah yeah now it's there's no there's no it is hard and it sucks and you have to write to yeah say that you know it's like fucking sucks but this can be a new chapter for you it really really can it really you know I'm sure if you listen to show you heard me talk about like just obviously like there's these moments we have and we can look back and it can be you know and this is definitely a fork in the road moment for you in your life and instead of and again I you have the right to feel sad and you have the right to feel down but trying to focus on forward and positivity and and in the winds you know and things like that will help you get the ship going in the right direction and this could be you know listen you're bipolar it is something you are now gonna have to live with but millions of people do and millions of people have happy lives and the difference between those who do and don't often comes down to you know how they were you know what how what they did to help take care themselves yeah I know that's not across the board and I'm sure there are degrees of how severe and I'm sure I recognize that not all solutions and medications work for all people with bipolar but let's focus on the positive and let's let's assume that you can take charge of your life in a meaningful way and you can and you can tackle this challenge and overall like you can live with it you know and I think right now that's the focus of the it's the rest of your life my first girlfriend I met when I was 18 we did it for seven years off and on broke up a lot of times but either way for seven years she was she was the center of my universe she was my whole life and that and now she's a distant memory this this man will be a distant memory in your life he will he will be a part you know it doesn't feel that way right now because it's half your own almost half your life he's been the most important thing yeah and that's and that's gonna feel like a loss but it will it will pass I promise and then you will reach a point where you're just like yeah that guy used to date I look forward to that day for you yeah because I'm sure when I'm saying you're like you you you can recognize yeah you're you know I'm sure maybe he's right but like you can't you can't imagine it right now yeah it's hard to actually seal that way right now but I know it will come at some point I haven't struggled with what you struggled with with what you struggle with but I do remember mentally spiraling at your age around relationships and losing relationships and it never helped me just you know focusing on the negative yeah this is true yeah and it's easy to do and I had a hard time getting kind of unstuck again I'm you know and I'm just giving you practical advice I don't know if any of this advice I'm giving you is doesn't apply you know to someone who's bipolar and I'm sure you have some limitations it's all sticking it all makes sense yeah and I just think to whatever degree despite your limitations which exist not always leading with what you can't do because of your bipolar but focusing on what you also can do and what what you can overcome, and what you can do in spite of, is just a better approach, I think, to. I think if you. Depends on what you focus on. I think you gotta try as much as you can to not see yourself as different. And when different shows up, and when you have to deal with your bipolar, give yourself to Grace to recognize that, like, yeah, I mean, it'll happen, but you will overcome it in those moments. I've gotten medicated in everything since this has all happened, so I feel like I'm doing a lot better. - It's awesome. - Practical advice, fight for the dog. And just be like, listen, I can't share a dog with you. You've made a decision, I respect it. I want the dog. I was the one who wanted the dog, but we can't share the dog. I can't have you in my life, I want to move on. I respect your decision, but I want the dog. And I would fight for it. That's my personal opinion. - That's good advice, I haven't thought about that, but yeah, it would be nice to not have a DM all the time. - He might definitely disagree, but I don't think you should just accept that, oh, I have to co-parent this dog in perpetuity with this man, because we bought the dog together. He made a decision. You're no longer together. And there are consequences of that decision. I would fight for the dog. - Yeah. - I would pick that fight when you have possession of that dog. - Yeah, yeah, I have it right now. Maybe I could bring it up. - Okay, yeah. Don't pick it when he has possession of the dog. - Yeah. - But yeah, I mean, really surround yourself with people who are there for you right now. I think it right now is just a really important time for you to take care of yourself and find, you know, yeah. Listen, now you get to date, you get to experience the world, you get to go on some bad dates. That can be fun. You know, it's going to be second film. But you know, you get to, you know, it's the world's going to open up for you a little bit. And I think when you start dating, and when you get comfortable about disclosing your mental health, you know, do it when you're comfortable, get some practice. When you start dating early on, you don't need to disclose it right away. This is not some, you know, right now, you're just dating to date, I think. You just, you, this is practice, you know. If things get serious, then you can address it then call back and we can, we can, we can, we can workshop some things. But I, you know, I think it's really important for you to get a hold of this thing, you know. This is still very new for you to accept. And really, you know, get to a place where you have accepted this diagnosis, you feel good about the treatment you're getting, you have a plan to work through when things aren't going so well and really get a hold of your life. And that should be the prior year right now. And you only being 26 is a blessing. That's my, that's my advice. - Yeah, that's all great advice. And I'm in therapy too and doing all the things to try to work on how to get better with my bipolar. And so yeah, I think that's all great advice. - Okay, any other specific questions or anything you want us to talk about? - I don't think so. I think that pretty much covers it. Thanks for all your words of wisdom. No problem. And listen, like try to let go of the, like listen, I understand it hurts what he did, but like you just don't want, you don't want, you don't want to be with someone who's not strong enough. You gotta take care of yourself. And maybe this is, you know, you've only known one love and there's a good chance to your first, like at least for was for me, you know. He probably wasn't gonna be your best love. Now you get to experience that again, and it can be fun. All good things in the future. Just take care, just take care of yourself. I promise you, when it feels, it's gonna be okay. Yeah, again, I can only imagine what you're going through because I remember a different scenario, a different, I had less of a reason to be afraid that I supposing you did, and I still was very afraid of the future. So I empathize with that, but I, you know, it sounds like you're in a good position with your healthcare providers, and you're gonna head in a good direction. And I think that's a great plan to start. - Yeah, yeah, definitely, I agree. Well, thank you, I appreciate it. - Good luck. - Thanks. - All right, bye-bye. - Bye. - How's it going? - It's going. My name is Samantha, I am 28, and my question is my boyfriend to jealous. - Is your boyfriend to jealous? Okay, why do we think your boyfriend's jealous? - It started as something that I thought was relatively reasonable. I used to preface, I've known him about 10 years, and we didn't start dating until like, maybe two-ish years ago. So we've known each other a while, but I guess the first kind of thing that brought up this issue was I was still friends with a prior situation ship, and he of course did not like that, which I understood. I also didn't want to call a friend for that. That situation has been since been resolved. - Oh, hi, hi, hi, you're kind of glossing over a lot of things. - All right, so you've known your current boyfriend for over 10 years, you started dating two years ago, give or take, prior to that, or going into this current relationship, you were in a situation ship? - I wasn't in the situation ship. The situation ship had ended, but we had continued a friendship. - Right, right. - I know, you wouldn't like that. - I don't, it's like, I don't personally care. But you appreciate why someone you're dating might have a be confused by that. - Right, yeah. - And just give me, who was the hopeful one in that situation ship? - I suppose I was. - Okay, yeah. - No good answer to that, because in a situation ship, there is someone who wishes they were at least at some point together, and then they have to accept to remain friends that they're not gonna get what they want. - Right. - But there's no version of that story where a new partner following that situation ship, especially if it's somewhat recent, you know? Like if it was like, yeah, we were in a situation ship five years ago, we've been friends for four. Even then, I feel like the new partner would have a right to feel a little bit uncomfortable. - Right. - But this sounds like it was months after? - It feels like a long time ago now, and I am not in contact with him anymore. So there's a, it's always trying to think of like really the timeline. I guess I stopped talking to him like in January. So of this year? - Of this year, but we didn't talk for-- - No, I'm just more curious about when you started, when you and your current boyfriend started dating. - How much time was in between the situation ship and this friendship? How long were you guys only friends? - Oh, yeah, probably like six months. - Six months, okay. - Yeah. - And so how was that addressed? - I don't feel like there was ever a full conclusion to that. We do see a therapist together, just 'cause that was my stipulation for us even dating was, we were being therapy, and so we talked about it some with the therapist, but I don't feel like there was ever a resolution to that. - How was it even addressed? I mean, at some point you must have said, by the way, I have this friend, Mike, and just, you know, Mike and I were kind of a thing. And I'm not having, we just ended up being friends. But like, what was your ask? Like, well, how did you bring it to your boyfriend's attention? - Oh, well, because I knew him as a, like, I knew my boyfriend as a friend before we came boyfriend's, he knew of this guy that I was seeing. - So he had a front row seat to the situation shift. - Yeah. - Okay. - Yeah. - All right. - Yeah. - Even more reason to feel a little uncomfortable. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay. And I guess what was your position then? - Position. - When you, like when you started dating your current boyfriend, you had a friend that, you had all well intentions, you had truly accepted, it was just, let's say, in your heart, it was pure, so to speak. Regardless of your boyfriend's discomfort, you must have had a position on how you felt like, or how you wanted this dynamic to be handled. It sounds like you wanted to maintain the friendship and then explore a relationship with your current boyfriend. But I'm just, how did you position? Like, what was your ask to your boyfriend? At some point, it must have been addressed. - Yeah. I mean, I guess my position was like, he doesn't live in the state anymore. He's not like, you don't have anything to worry about in that sense. It's not that we talk every day on the phone. Like, we talk very infrequently. - But you would like talk on the phone. He would just call up and you would chat about your life. - Yeah. (laughing) But I was like happy. I mean, I told him I was like, you can look at all of our texts. If I have no issue answering the phone while you're around. - What were you getting from that relationship that your boyfriend couldn't? - I enjoyed talking to him. I thought he had really interesting just positions on things that I felt like, like, if I had something that I was thinking about, I could bring it to him and he just would have an interesting thought on it. And then I guess he would have known each other. - In a way that your boyfriend wouldn't? - Yeah. - Okay. - Yeah. - True or not? get less easy for your boyfriend. to digest. Right. Yeah. I mean, part of picking a partner, so to speak. You know, like, you know, listen, if the world, if the world truly revolved around us, then, and we got to do whatever we want, I'm sure many of us would find people to fit certain roles. Certain people would be ones we would have conversations with. They would be an expert for, in an expert friend and for every situation, and we would just get pick and choose, and everyone would just be like, "Hey, I'm just happy to be here," but that obviously isn't reality. Right. And a big part of being an adult committed emotional connected relationship is to feel, you know, valued and feel like, you know, "Hey, my partner comes to me about their worries and stresses." And I'm not the most interesting person in the world. And, you know, I don't think my wife has every answer to every question, but she's just always, you know, we feel like each other's go to. And early in this relationship, you know, your boyfriend literally wasn't. And I'm also just, is it safe to say that these things that you found interesting about, um-hmm, called Mike, were some of the same reasons where you were attracted to him in the situation. Yeah, that's fair. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so let's, you know how I feel about Mike. Why do we today feel like your boyfriend might be jealous? Right. So in that situation, I, even though I had what I wanted and, or like I didn't have what I want, he, I, I knew what I wanted to, he knew what he wanted. It didn't, that wasn't compatible, but it also became a non-issue later on. You tell him like, your boyfriend or Mike? With Mike. Okay. With Mike. Why didn't you end up together? Why didn't we end up, oh, he sucked. Mike sucked. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, he's still, he's still valued calls. I think I, and this is just a personal thing of mine. I, people fascinate me and I, like, he, he just had a ever evolving, ever evolving issues that like fascinated me without getting into too much detail. That makes sense. Yeah. It makes enough sense. Yeah, for sure. He intrigued you. You found them interesting and you are, you know, like I, I, I like to think of myself as a curious person. I like, I'm in school. I was, I guess you could say a jock, so to speak, but, you know, and I'm, I'm my adult life. How I've made friends. I have a very diverse group of friends. With diverse personalities. And I value that about myself and how, you know, and I think my curiosity about people has led, led to that. And I think that's a great quality for people to have. It sounds like you have it. But there's a lot of interesting people in the world. And sometimes we just have to say goodbye to people. We can't cherry pick, you know, it's like, well, I can't have them for this, but maybe I'm for that. I mean, and again, as a single person, you have the freedom to do it or the fuck you want and collect all different types of friends and acquaintances. And, you know, as a single person, I had a, I had like a work mom at one job. She was like 10 years older than me, and I would talk to her about all my problems and stuff. And, you know, not that that would have complicated in a relationship. But my point is, it's like, I just, as a single person, I had no, you know, I didn't have a one woman in my life, you know, like to, to really lean into. And so like, I had different friends that have dinner and drinks and coffee and all these wonderful women friends that kind of play, you know, and what that is is I've, you know, and I've talked about this before, they kind of, they've filled that role, a bunch of different, filled that a kind of role that, the quality time that I enjoyed with women, you know, in general. I was able to get that through a bunch of different women and friends because I didn't have a girlfriend. But for most people, when you're in a relationship and to, to build a bond, it requires some sacrifice and it requires to really lean into the person you want to build a relationship with. As you start dating someone, you'll learn about strengths and weaknesses. No doubt, you will compare it to past interactions with people. They will shine in some areas. There will be areas where it's just like, you know, if I, if I, if I, if I was judging, if I was comparing, I kind of preferred that with the other person, then I do it this. But like, for a relate, you know, you really have to lean in and, and you have to develop as a couple, you know, you know, you get what I'm saying? So, yeah. There is all that. Anyways, back to where are we now with, with your current boyfriend? Yeah. So the issue that like, actually made me write in was more related to, so he, I moved to this town around like five years ago. And when I did, I joined a gym. I'm friends with a lot of people at the gym. And I am always, I have always been someone who has had a lot of guy friends. And, female friends as well, but guy friends as well. And the issue was that some one of my male friends invited me to see a movie with some of the other male friends, which is not weird in this context. My boyfriend has met them. He would claim that he doesn't know them, but I've been trying to be like, well, then come to the things that we all do together. And he, I had, I think I texted back something like, like, is okay, if I bring my boyfriend essentially. And they're like, oh, yeah, totally bring him whatever. And so I invited him. I will say the fact that you had to ask their permission is kind of weird. Maybe weird is the wrong word. Yeah. If I'm your, yeah, it's just why do you have to ask why I'm bringing my boyfriend? Yeah. I mean, I just don't know what's normal in that situation. I, if they had said no, I wouldn't have gone like, I would have thought that was weird. Sure. Yeah. But just the fact that like, yeah, that makes it their thing that you're, I mean, listen, I've had a ton of women friendships when I was single and growing up, you know, I really valued that, you know, I don't, what you're describing, I don't think your boyfriend's jealous, but what you're telling me doesn't in my mind make him jealous. It more sounds to me like you are trying to, you know, I think his response seems normal, which is, it sounds like his response is to be uncomfortable with the situation and not down. And it's not about you doing something wrong. It's not a, it's not about him not trusting you. I think most partners, man or woman, would be uncomfortable with this ask, you know, you're part of a gym. You met a lot of guy friends. And again, everything can be kosher, everything could be totally, you know, and again, this is me, but I just think if you really wanted to be in a committed relationship, if you guys, you know, I don't know what you and your, he's worthy enough to get couples therapy with, sounds like you guys are working on a future together. If that is the goal, if the goal is building a life together, then I would encourage you to really put all your chips in and really invest in that relationship and invest in the, you know, the things that you like doing together. And I do think if you want to be in a committed relationship, it does require some sacrifice. And often that is sacrificing the male friends you have in your life. And maybe there's some exceptions to that rule. But I think it's be very hard press to find any person, man or woman, to be generally comfortable with their partner having a handful of like just men they go out to dinner with, men they do things with most guys or women aren't going to be, I think it's great that you have tried to bring them along. I think you're doing the right things by trying to include him. But his reluctance to want to become bros with his girlfriend's guy friends is not something I think many people would be excited about doing. He also, you've heard the term curiosity killed the cat, so to speak. As a curious person who's intrigued by different personalities. I just think it's a slippery slope by exploring these things that fascinate you about people. Yeah. You're only two years into this relationship. So it's still relatively new. You probably know what you're fighting for. You know, probably a lot of good things about this relationship outside of this thing that you're struggling with. Ten years in this relationship. Maybe there's some kids into the equation. You feel a little disconnected with your partner. You know, your guys are just busy with life. And you have this other person who you find fascinating, who intrigues you, who's a little bit different than your partner. That's how affairs happen. Yeah. And I don't think most people who cheat are like, yeah, I'm going to cheat someday. They most people, they don't realize how it happened and then it happens. So I would just, you know, I would recognize that part of yourself and you have to be able to turn it out and off. You're not doing anything wrong. Yeah. I just think what you're asking, I don't think his response is out of the ordinary unless there's things you're leaving out. At the end of the day, there's, you only have so much time in your life. You only have so much bandwidth. Whoever you, you know, if you're investing in one person, you're not investing in another. And, you know, the fact that you, like, wanted to maintain any relationship with, with Mike, who, as a partner, was terrible. But his intriguingness and how he viewed the world was still fastening for you enough to be like I still want I still want this enough to want to have like Even once a month calls where you would just open up to him about I don't know who knows 99 of a hundred people would feel uncomfortable with that situation And it's not a matter of trust. I don't want to have to trust my partner in those situations It's just like why do I have to you know I had a girlfriend once a long time ago kind of and She dated a a Professional athlete and for it was like a situation ship and it was before we got together Um, and it sounds like things ended amicably amicably because more like he's a professional athlete She they had you know, and she was like I you know this you know she didn't take it that's but it was like It probably it was exciting and he sounds like he was a gentleman and nice and and it was like at the end of things cordially And every once in a while he'd reach out to her And I really trusted her um really did that you know just a real high-character person And then one night she was like yeah, he's in town of Chicago and me You know, it's just like and her and her girlfriends wanted to go down to Chicago and like It didn't even sound like bullshit. It sounded like My my girlfriend at the time had her had a connection with this Professional athlete who had other professional athlete friends and they accepted her and her friends for an exciting night in Chicago That sounds exciting and she was like I want to go have a six nine in Chicago and I was like I You know, and she was asked me what I thought about it I'll never forget because I've always hated to be like I never like in a relationship I wanted I know you know I never wanted to be the one who's like telling my partner know you can't like I'm not your parent I don't want it tough to tell you know right so I remember I'll never forget She was like I was like well, I mean you do what you want and she's like all right I'm gonna go and then five minutes later. I called her off. I was like you know what I lied. I don't like I Know I you know like you're making me fucking do it, but I'm not comfortable with it She ended up going and then I was like I remember my my my my work mom who I worked with I was like I think I have to break up with my girlfriend We ended up not breaking up at the time But I I just I tell you that story because I just remember that feeling of like why am I have why do I have to why do I have to say know that it's crazy ask like if you and I was like if you want to do this is what you want to do you should be single Mm-hmm, you know if you want the freedom if you want to date me and you want to I don't know we were talking about like She wanted to move in with me, you know and like you know she you we are thinking about a future together and I was like You know, I'm you know, I'm not calling you up and being like You know I got invited on a boat by these models. I used to hang out with and you know you can trust me But like, you know, but you know, it's I'm not gonna do anything, but you know, it's like but I'm gonna go party and Yeah, like You know, you don't have to you don't want to have to ask your partner to trust you and have to like still worry about, you know, it's like Yeah, and obviously I'm sure he said things to you like I don't it's not I don't trust you I don't trust them and there is something to be said about that and and I'm sure you've said that about other women His line and I'm sure and do you trust other women around your guy, you know, like you've never used that phrase about other women You know, it's funny though like I don't but I do trust him so I don't care like I'm like well I mean let's every relationship relationship needs that level of trust, but there's a difference between like Hey your boy is gonna go out with the guys at the bar knowing they'll be women there versus like planning an event around There are just certain things that if you want to be in a relationship, there are certain things you have to give up Yeah, I mean, I guess like My parents always had like male and female friends and so I just don't think of it as that weird I do realize and like in just what were those like dynamics? I mean well, that's a thing they were all friends with like people that they worked with and so typically if they were hanging out to get like they would hang out together with whoever yeah, and so trying to think about it that way I can my best friend met a woman they you know, they're not married with kids I became good friends with her and We would often go get lunch and I talk about my girl problems when he was working It was so much a thing I'd go visit her at the salon she worked and it was a running joke that some people thought we were married and yada yada But like again like I made for I became friends with her Through my friend and it was easy to have and she was truly a friend that was a woman You know and that's and that and how we met definitely mattered In terms of his comfort level of her his white now why for his partner being you know, and so I think it's over simplified to be like well my parents Had friends of the opposite sex and so there's no scenario you know The situation how it started I think matters greatly. Yeah But these guys like the friends of now like there's never been any romantic interests on either end like never been issue. Yeah, it doesn't matter I just the fact that you tried to be friends with Mike. I think is just like It's a red flag. It's a red flag. There's something in you that is For whatever reason wants to like collect and hold on to these people like you know, you are investing these people I understand that like you know, they're you know to an investment. You don't want to let go of and you you know You can trust yourself and I understand all the the thought process. I'm sure you've you've had to And again, you're not doing anything wrong. It's just a show. All I'm saying is I don't think this makes your boyfriend jealous If nothing else you guys might not be compatible you know You you have the right to have whatever relationship you want and and and I'm not you know you don't have to listen to me and you know You can be like fuck Nick and he's wrong and I this is my opinion. I'm not Yeah, but I do think what you're asking is unique and it will be hard to find yeah And I also just don't think that it's fair to label people jealous just because they're not down for what you want And they're not comfortable with what most people wouldn't be comfortable with Like again, you had to ask their permission You didn't feel comfortable enough to just bring them along and I think that's a red flag Yeah, I guess I didn't know if it was like a a gym thing or whatever the reason I'm not saying I'm not saying you're doing something wrong. It's just the it's the they're not assuming it off the bat But it just it just speaks to the dynamic of the relationship you have with these people and And he has every right to just be a little uncomfortable Yeah, I think what and this might be a whole other but like I I guess I find it Ironic because in his past relationships he has cheated. I've never cheated And so I feel like it's um it feels like hypocritical to me and maybe that's why I Get I can see how you frustrated. I can see how you got there But I think kind of one has nothing to do with the other. I don't think the fact that he's cheated Yeah, which you have accepted About him and still chose to enter into this relationship I don't think you and I'm not saying you're actually throwing it in his face, but like internal on internally you are kind of yeah Using it against him. Mm-hmm is a character flaw Um, and and telling yourself he has less of a you know, all right. It's like And you know on some level. Maybe he is projecting a little bit. I am regardless of his cheating All I'm saying is the non-cheater Would pro almost certainly have a similar reaction to your boyfriend Mm-hmm about some of your asks Mm-hmm. Um, yeah You know, yeah, well, I think also it's helpful to put the whole Like I think the started it with Mike or whatever. It's like that that can also set the stage for a sense of just Like you're I mean, I can see how that's a red flag and so then future things become It's just like why is my girlfriend constantly Investing energy to fight to have these other men in her life like what am I not giving her that she needs right? It would be a Yeah, yeah, you know, especially when it comes to like intimate phone call like a phone call is pretty intimate Um, you're just talking You know, uh, I have to be though. I mean, but yeah, I see your saying I'm not saying you're having phone sex, but like you There's an intimacy. Yeah, and just like Listening to someone waxing poetic and finding them fascinating. There's an intimacy in that It's what you drew you to him. It's why you liked Mike in the first place. Come on. Yeah Well, and I do think that's something that I have learned because like you said I do have a weird Curiosity complex. I think I do I have actually been told that I collect people and so like some people are not necessarily worth collecting so to say in Like yes, they might be interesting and yes, you they could be interesting for 20 more years But like is that worth necessarily giving up other things in your life or the consequences of whatever that might look like So yeah, just sum it up. I mean relation like I wrote you know, I don't know your relation or your what are your relationship goals marriage kids all that Mm-hmm. Okay. All that those for it just requires a huge amount of sacrifice. It just does and a lot of that sacrifice comes down to A big categories friendships those you know, now that rivers about to get into school You know, we were probably going to make a lot of friends with her friends parents. Mm-hmm. You know, yeah, that will dictate our front or you know We have some friends settling down some of them are having kids. We're really excited because like You know, it's But it increases the chances that it'll be easier to stay in touch with some of these people. Yeah. Because like again, like we've made a sacrifice, we've made a choice. We just chose to get married and we chose to have kids. It's a beautiful thing. It comes with a men's amount of sacrifice and we're happier for it, but it's still a sacrifice. You still have to give things up. Question though. Like you said, you're happier for it. Does that also feel then like sacrifice or does it just not even feel like sacrifice because it's just what you want to do? Big picture? The latter. But on a day-to-day basis, you know, like it's not, but you know what I'm saying? Like, overall, I love my life. I've never been happier or more fulfilled. There, you know, I have to ask my wife's permission. I'm trying to sneak in a video game and I'm in a, I joined a Madden League. I'm trying to get in this afternoon and hope I am. It's not going to come without a little bit of disappointment and I'm going to have to like, I'm probably going to, you know, I, you know, and I say, you know, that's not always fun to do. Sometimes it's just like, I just kind of just get away for a while, like sometimes going to the grocery store is like vacation and like, you know, there are moments where you're just like, fuck, you know, that shit's hard, you know? And there are moments where you want to get away and everyone's allowed those moments and having those moments doesn't mean you don't, you're not happy. Right. It doesn't mean you're not like overall fulfilled, but like you're, you're, you're human being. You're allowed to have a moment, ever all of us. Yeah. Right? Sometimes I think people lose sight of the things that make them happy, you know, when it comes to kids and marriage, it's just, you know, it's much easier to find the people like shitting on it, you know, everyone likes to complain, everyone loves, everyone loves a petty party, you know, a, a misery loves company, all those things, right? And so I think it's easy to lose sight of all the great things that come into life because it's, it's hard. I mean, like, you know, you have kids, it's harder for Nally and I to connect. You know, right now we have two baby twins in between us. Yeah. Right in the bed every night, you know? And then sometimes there's river. That's hard. You know, we got to make the effort, you know? It's worth it to us, but it does take work and it's an okay to acknowledge that it takes work. You don't have to be so delusional. Then oh my god. Like, it's all like, it's all easy. It's not, it's a hard a lot of the times. Yeah. I feel like I might be learning this a little bit late, but I feel like in your childhood that a lot of times you make decisions based off of like how they feel. Like do they feel good in this moment? And then as you get older, like, sometimes the good decisions don't necessarily feel good in the moment, but it's for a bigger purpose. My best decisions I've made are ones that I've been focused on the long term. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, that is a profound realization that most people never get to. I wouldn't even say you're late. I think this world isn't, isn't sending that message. Everything's about instant gratification these days. Yeah. An entitlement. But yeah, in adult life, very few just like, it's the instant gratification really gives us in trouble. It's the same. Yeah. You can, you can drill it down to sweets. It's my classic sour patch kid analogy that I came up with before I started dating. You know, it's just like, you want the sugar. You know it feels good. It's all you can think about. You're not thinking about how it makes you feel afterwards. Yeah. You pick out. You immediately regret it. And a lot of dating is very similar to that kind of dopamine, you know, things you have to invest in. The long term decision is what you should be thinking about. Because investment has an, you know, by definition has an element of it takes, you know, very few investments pay off a day later. Yeah. You have to give it time to grow. You have to invest in it. Yeah. You know, things you have to invest in the reason why you're willing to do it is because the investment is what makes it great and profound. Right. Yeah. I think it's interesting that people have called you. I mean, I, you know, when I said collect people, I, you know, yeah, that's interesting. I think that's something you should think about and acknowledge. Yeah. And I think that is playing a big role in why you're struggling with this. Yeah. And if this is a man you are really serious about, then I would spend more your energy focusing on building what you guys like doing, finding your things you like doing together. And you will probably be able like your parents to have front male friendships outside of him. But maybe you find them together as a couple, you know, and maybe a couple, but it should be fairly unique. Again, these are men that you want to invest in. Yeah. On some level, you want to carve out some time to go do the things with them. And I get, you know, like you sounds like you enjoy the gym culture in the community there at all makes sense. And again, as a single person, it would be something you would totally be down for. Mm-hmm. But it's still, it's, you're still investing in them. Mm-hmm. And, and, you know, any partner would feel like you would rather do that than, and him tagging along just to play shaperone is not something he's going to want to do. Yeah. There. I mean, I do think that just in terms of what you're saying, I probably, I think I have a tendency to focus a little bit more on, I don't think of my decisions as a wee as much as maybe I should if I'm like, thinking of investing in that of a long-term relationship. That's a good question. Like, I think of it as like, this is something I want to do, you know what I mean, versus something. That's a good real, I mean, yeah, not sustainable and in the type of relationship you say you want to build. Yeah. You know, he's not. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and I'm guessing if you found that person who is down to do it, you wouldn't be attracted to him. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't really want to find out. Yeah. It would be quite, I mean, I don't know, unless you're, unless you are attracted to someone who's just kind of a pushover and just kind of comes and goes when you please and, you know, like to whatever degree you are attracted to a guy who takes, you know, the, all the masculine tropes out there. I think the issues, I see it as his insecurities versus like, but I don't know how to not. I know you're saying any guy would feel that way. I just, I sure your boyfriend has insecurities. I think it's a little unfair to point them out using this because whatever insecurity he actually has, you using this situation to point that out, well, honestly, make it harder for you to get him to actually acknowledge whatever insecurity he has because again, he feels valid for being uncomfortable with this and most people would agree he is valid. So you're, and, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And they're, you know, and you're kind of using, you're, you're, yeah, listen, you're being a little, it's a little selfish, you know, you want, this is what you want. You're not think, like you said, you're not thinking about the relationship you're thinking about you. And in relationships, you have to think about the relationship first, you just do, or you don't want to be in one. And that's fine. It's, you know, like I said to my girlfriend, like, if you don't want it, like, you don't, maybe you don't want this. It's not going to be wrong. I'm not, you know, I just, I don't want to tell you what to do. But if you want this, this is what, you know, is what we need to do. No, that actually is super helpful. I actually think about it. I think, um, yeah, no, I think that's super helpful because I think that I do, I think I do think of it really selfishly in terms of is just, yeah, I don't think about it as a wee. And I should. That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, you know, people talk about bare minimum as far as the relationship. That's the bare minimum, you know, it requires both people, but relationships, you know, you can only do 50% of your half, you know, it really, it requires both people to show up. It requires you guys to be on the same page. You have to sometimes make compromises and sacrifice. You don't always have to agree with it, but it's for the greater good of the relationship. Yeah. Um, and that should feel equitable. But like, yeah, like, well, you cheated and I did and so I, I am allowed more freedom in our relationship than you are is not, like, that's not how it works. Well, yeah. And I think I'm able to skate by a lot because I think naturally I'm a pretty, I'm always aware of everything happening around me. So I can see what he needs and check in on him on a daily basis and like all the kind of more superficial, superficial day-to-day stuff I can do well. And I feel like that's what I thought of as a relationship. But in terms of like, like you said, big picture, all encompassing, there are other things that, yeah, I don't know, it makes sense. You have to, you both have to make each other feel safe. Another, another bare minimum and that it, and not in the, you know, save it be a hero, just like, imagine just the, he has to fuck it, just the fact that he's got like, it must be so annoying for him to be like, I got to bait my girlfriend about all these guys she wants to hang out with. Like, what am I doing? It's just like, it's like, he must be so exhausted. Sorry. Yeah. No, it's bare and I will say like, not to like, I don't know, I don't know, I'm a very blunt person, not to like, it'd be too harsh, but like, he's not super verbally articulate. So it's like, helpful to like, have an articulate answer of like what he's probably thinking. You know what I mean? No, I, I hear you. Yeah. And I, I, I am somebody who I know, sometimes I think I'm right and then I just think I'm right. And so I try to stay open to other positions, but like, it is hard when you just think you're right. Um, but I do know that I try to be aware of that, but relationships, it's not about being right often because it's in like back to our original moment that we had that I think is the best takeaway is that you're, you're right about what you want, but you're not necessary thinking about what the relationship needs. And so it's your, you're right about what you, you know, of course you're right, you know, you're not going to go to this event and fuck in having orgy. So yeah, you're right. You know, you can trust you, you know, you're right. But like, he's like, I don't care. I just like, yeah. Can we go on? I want to do, I don't want to do that. And I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel like I'm the bad guy because I want to hang out with your bros. But that's a great way to frame it. Like I can be right, whoo, but like it's not what the relationship needs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is helpful. Sweet. Well, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate this. This is awesome. Yeah. Listen, it's a, it's a, it's an adjustment. I, you know, it's an adjustment being in a relationship and finding the right person makes it worth it, you know, not every day, not every moment, but big picture. Yeah. Awesome. Cool. Thanks Nick. Take care. Thank you. Thanks for talking. All right. Bye.