The woman is in a four-year relationship with a man whose mother frequently makes sharp, dismissive comments about her, such as mocking her job, lifestyle, or choices—especially during shared experiences like apartment tours. While the man claims to love his family and respects his mother, he consistently deflects or minimizes these incidents, failing to acknowledge how they make the woman feel undervalued and excluded. She expresses concern that decisions in the relationship, such as naming children or choosing a wedding venue, are being made with his family’s input before hers, undermining her sense of partnership and agency. Though the woman loves the man and respects his family, she is deeply frustrated by the lack of mutual decision-making and the emotional toll of being treated as secondary. The key issue is not just the mother’s behavior, but the man’s failure to see it as a relational challenge—instead, he defaults to protecting his family, which makes her feel like she is being sidelined. The advice centers on having open, vulnerable conversations with him about her need to feel heard and valued in major decisions, ideally starting with empathy and appreciation for his family, then clearly stating her desire for shared ownership in the future of the relationship. This requires patience, emotional regulation, and repeated efforts to build trust, as the man’s default is to defend his family rather than listen to her concerns. The goal is not to end the relationship, but to establish a partnership where both individuals feel respected, heard, and included in major life decisions.
This guy told me his mom was dead, a whole detailed story, how she died, while pregnant with him in a car accident, this, that, the third, the woman was alive and well. And then after you've found out, she's alive and well. I still talk to him. I'm like, what are we doing here? How's it going? Good, how are you? Good. What's your name? Jessica. How old are you, Jessica? 33. How can I help? In a little predicament here, do I stay with my boyfriend of four years, even though his mom blatantly just respects me in front of him and other family members? Okay. Do you love him? Yes, I do. Okay. I do. Okay. Do you want to marry him? Yeah, I do. Listen, you're not the only one with a mother-in-law problem. Yeah. Anyways, tell me about it. Tell me why you're on the verge of saying, fuck it. Because I realize I'm going to be stuck with this for the rest of, I guess, not my life, but her life. Because she will probably be gone before me. No, the world is fine. That's what I'm saying. But she'll probably be gone before me, right? So, for, as, like, the foreseeable future, I will be in this predicament. I appreciate the joke. So give me an example of the disrespect. So, it's just been a lot of random things over the years. It's more like little side comments about my job or random stuff. Like, an example is, I was on FaceTime with my friends that she doesn't know. And she was like, oh, how did you meet? They told her. And she kind of made like a dig about how we met, which was literally just in the dining hall eating cereal. And she said, oh, yeah, with her terrible eating habits. And so it was like whatever. And then she asked my friend what she did for work. She told her and she looks at me and goes, do you have a job? Meanwhile, I have three jobs, actually, and I work six days a week. So, you know the answer to that. It was just she wanted to, she wanted to make those digs. Okay. So she just kind of jabs at you. Jabs, but the worst one was all that same phone call. She said her son's name. She said he's too good for Jessica, right? Oh, wow. So that was the worst one. I'm assuming you've spoken with your boyfriend about this. And he signed it. Like while it happens, like live in the moment, he's like a mute. No, no, no, no. But like what happens when you're like moms, not there? Are you pull them aside? And you're like, yo, why is your mom such a bitch to me? Like I don't get it. Like is do you see, does he see what you see? Does he at least acknowledge it? It is happening. I feel like he would not acknowledge it until I do first. Like he has like goggles on for her. But he says, oh, well, you were going back with her. I'm like, yeah, but but she starts it. And he doesn't really say much. That's the issue. It's like, yeah, I'm annoyed at her. But I'm not at you for not really doing anything about it. So he doesn't acknowledge it. Not really. But yeah, like, you know, like you're telling me the story, right? You know, I wasn't there, obviously. But when you tell me the story, it's like, well, that's crazy. Like that, that would get old real fast if that is a theme of the relationship. His mom making some digs. And he doesn't, he doesn't see it that way. Have you really set him down and said, hey, I'm sure I could be better with your mom. But your mom on a regular basis, let me give you some examples. Says things that makes me feel like, well, quite frankly, that she doesn't think I'm good enough for you. In fact, she literally said that. And then she just kind of picks me apart and it honestly is exhausting. And he would say, I don't think she does that. Kind of. Yeah, like that is exactly how it goes. That's what I say to him. And he kind of is just like, oh, she didn't mean it or oh, she was joking. And I'm like, I don't think she was joking. Okay. So at least he is acknowledging a little bit it exists, but he's downplaying it. Exactly. Yeah. I also talked to her about it the next day after it happened. And she's like, I didn't say that. She was boozing. She didn't remember. Okay. So she's drunk when she's saying this. Yes. Is it always he's drinking? Yeah. But also if you would say that stuff, not drinking because she's just kind of that funny, no filter type of person. Fair enough. But children are used to it. That's why they downplay because they're used to it. I'm not sure. I understand that you think she's a type of person who's probably got a little snark. And her DNA. Yeah. But I just want to confirm that the vast majority of the time when she is acting this way, she's drunk. Yeah. Do you know, non-expert opinion? Do you think she may have a bit of a drinking problem? Zyrish. Okay. She drinks a lot. Do they have a drinking family? Yeah. But like, it doesn't get out of control. Like, it's, it's. I understand, but it's like she's, but she's a professional, heavy drinker that is not getting herself in terrible situations, but she is a bit obnoxious. Yeah, with her mouth more with her mouth. She says, yeah. But again, she has done it not drinking. So. That makes a little more sense to me. Yeah. Boyfriends, a little defensive of mom, because if it's often because she's drinking, like you said, they're kind of used to this behavior. They're probably a little protective of mom when it comes to her drinking. You know what I'm saying? And my guess is he's got a little bit more goggles on because of the drinking as opposed to she's just being mean. Yeah, I feel like they just don't think it's a big deal. Like he's a mama's boy. It's her baby. And. Okay. Well, why should you make me feel less than? I understand. And this is just in the vein of you love him. You would like to marry him. And I think the biggest thing you got to, you know, it's like the choice is yours. Because like, you know, you're like, hey, do I break up with this guy? And, you know, like. You know, there's, I'm sure even listen to the show, there's a lot of bad partners out there. A lot of people have been like out of the dating pools, fucking sucks. And it's. Yeah. That's the thing he's a great. He's a great person. He's a great partner. So, I mean, that is, that is. You know, more important than the annoying mother-in-law. You know, as much as it sounds like his family is pretty close. And it sounds like you vacation with them and spend a lot of time with them. Can you get over it? And the sense of like, can you clearly, he's had a lifetime of being used to this behavior where whether you agree with or not, he just looks the other way. Doesn't quite frankly take her that seriously and kind of treats her like a child. I'm starting to think I can't get over it because this has been going on for four years. I have gotten over it. But like lately, it's just like, it's making me feel like shit about myself. It's more of like the things you say that put me down. I'm like, why would you say that to your son's potentially future, future wife? Have you really, when she's sober, really just like, vulnerably been like, hey, I know. I know maybe you don't mean it, but like you've said some things that just really hurt my feelings and it makes me feel like I, you, I'm not welcomed here. And it just like, I don't know, I'm just really uncomfortable. It sounds to me like you're, you, you're fighting fire with fire right now. I've talked to you for about 90 seconds. You got a little edge to you. And I say that with love. You know, I know it's true. Yeah. You know. So her and I go head to head. Yeah. People have an edge. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You know. But it's not because it's more so I'm sticking up for myself. Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong. Or, or, or, and I'm not saying you having an edge in any way disqualifies how she's talking to you. It's just more, you just got to try to find some common ground with this lady. And I'd be willing to bet that, yeah, I don't know. You know, like anytime, like I don't, I'm, this is a bag. I don't know. I'm trying to come up with an example. But like sometimes when you have two strong personalities and sometimes these personalities, I'm not saying you're exactly like his mom. But there might be some, so we had we do, we've been told we have similar. So yeah, those people can often clash. You know, honestly, like the people I find when I'm like talking about reality TV or just, I hate myself. You know, it's this like, I'll be criticizing people. And I'm like, why do I hate them? And I'm like, oh, they remind me of me. Like, I think we instinctually, like, it's an, it's easier to see flaws that we have in other people than it easier it is to see in ourselves. And I think sometimes it happens that just we get more annoyed by those people. But I do think when it comes to those types of personalities, oftentimes it just takes, it takes an event or a moment. Like some kind of bonding for you guys to like be best friends or get on the same page. You know, have you seen stepbrothers? Yeah. You know, like the brothers and they like kind of hate each other at first. Oh yeah, in the beginning. Yeah, they've become best friends and they're like, they're just kind of rivals, but they're also best friends. So it's actually like opposite. We started out as very close. And we still are. Like we are close. It's very hard to describe. Like we do like each other and enjoy each other's company, but then there's times where. My guess is she's, and I'm making a lot of assumptions that haven't talked to you very long. My guess is that her jabs are coming from a place of comfort and love. Yeah, they are because she's like, I didn't mean it. You know, I love you. cool why are you hurting me?
feeling of them. I don't understand. We're moving in together in a couple of weeks. We haven't lived together. So I'm like, it's like another big step that I'm like, is she moving in with you guys? Probably. She's like, makes decisions for us. She's like, you're getting married in a church. I'm like, are you the one marrying him or mine? And she's like, your kids can be named after him. I'm like, are you having a child with him? Okay. So let me ask you this. I mean, she can say everything she wants, but the end of the day, do you feel like you have agency with your boyfriend that you guys can make decisions as a couple? I mean, mom can say whatever she wants, but honestly, no, I do sometimes think he's going to like do what she wants him to do. And that's something. How does he? 33. Listen, at the end of the day, you're going to have to, like, you're going to have to figure this out with both of them. It is more important for you to figure it out with him. I think it would go a long way for you to try to figure it out with both of them because, you know, he's got some mama was mama's boy and you can only expect so much. But what you can, what is a non-negotiable for any couple? Is that like you need to feel that as your partner, and especially if there's an engagement in a marriage and you guys choose to have kids together, you need to know that you guys will make decisions together. And input is welcomed. But at the end of the day, you can't feel like his mom's opinion is more important than yours. And then that's just a non-negotiable. You need to be able to talk with him about this. And I don't think this is probably like a one conversation thing because you've, A, you've already tried it and B his default will be to try to defend mom. So you got to try to figure out how to have this conversation without you. A, making him feel like you're attacking him for being his mama boy and mama's boy and be not making him not feel like you're attacking his mom, which is a needle that's hard to thread. In the end, the past heat kind of has been defensive and took it personally like, oh, so you hate my mom? I'm like, no, I don't want to. No, it's it's more about listen. There are times. And it's it's common enough that it bothers me. Where I honestly don't know if we get married and have kids together. Like, I don't know if I want to get married in a Catholic church. I don't know what I want my kids names to be. I don't know where they're going to want us to go to school. Hell, I mean, I'm not, we're not even engaged. I can't possibly know these questions. But when we do make these decisions, I want to feel like I have a partner who's who I can talk with and we can make these decisions together. And yes, we'll be new parents and like we will welcome input from our families. But at the end of the day, we have to make decisions together. There's something about doing that as a couple that actually, you know, bonds the connection. Like now, like, you know, me and now we have our kids and now his mom is incredibly helpful. My parents are incredibly helpful. Like, we're very lucky that we don't have like they're they're they're more they're quieter. Like hands off. They're just they're not very opinionated and they're not very. Yeah, they're they're they're they respect our boundaries, so to speak. And I guess I have the benefit of being, you know, I've always been this way, you know, so like now it doesn't have to do it. I think it's much harder. And in your case, we're like if the sun's close to mom and and there's like a I've never had a hard time in adult life being able to help my parents. I'm gonna do it my way. And so it's a little easier for me. But regardless, when now and I make these, you know, we're both new parents. We're both figuring out together. There's a lot of things we don't have. I don't know. We're like, I don't fucking know. You know, she's like, I don't know. You know, and we but we decide together. And you know, I'm like, what do you think? She's what I what do I think? But when you make when you come to those decisions together as a couple, it makes you it's like, yeah, we we decided together. Cool. And then if you fuck up together, you make the wrong decision, there's not a finger pointing. There's like, yeah, we, you know, we I don't know. I guess lesson learned will make a different decision at different time. But like that, you know, you know, it is important for you to figure this out. I think it's a bit extreme for you given that you love him. You think he's a great guy. And you know, there's a lot of as far as your relationship, there's a lot of good here. It seems a little hasty to want to end this relationship because mom's a little obnoxious. That being said, I do think it is really important for you to start setting this expectation that, hey, listen, I can't, I'm very worried about this. I love your mom. I just don't like that sometimes. It, it doesn't feel like you value my opinion as much as you value your moms. And we're not married yet. And we don't have kids yet. But I want to start feeling that before we get married and have kids. Yeah, because that's what I'm nervous about is when we're getting married and making those decisions and have kids. It's just like, it's never just him and I. It's that they're very close family with five children. Yeah. It's always there's always going to be other opinions. And that other opinions are fine. But you guys have to have the ability to be like, guys, thank you. But, you know, this is what we're doing. Yeah. He's just so close with him. I think he takes their pain, which he thought that's great. That's his family. He showed, but he needs to make his own decisions. You just have to figure out how to have this conversation with him. I suspect when you have these conversations, you get easily annoyed and easily frustrated. And it goes from zero to 100. And then that's, it turns into a fight. To whatever degree you're not leading with vulnerability, you know, which is like, I just, hey, help me out. Like, can you at least ignore, you know, first you need to acknowledge without it feeling like you're attacking mom. Listen, love your mom. Look, very helpful. I don't always agree with her. And that's totally okay. I'm fine with disagreeing with your mom. I just want to know that you have my back and that when we make these decisions to move in together or whatever. Like, I want to feel like we're making this decision. And sometimes it doesn't feel that way. And I, it makes me nervous on, you know, because to me, that's way more important than the side comments, because it's, you know, she just sounds like a person who like, I look, you know, I tease because I love, you know, it's like it's, yeah, we're gonna stop to be honest. Yeah. That you can probably get over. But my guess is, it could be wrong. But if you felt like, you know, any big decision as a couple you have to make, he would say, go to you and be like, Hey, Jessica, what do you think? What do you think we should do? And it actually feels like you two are having a conversation and you're coming as a decision together. I feel like that would go a long way to alleviate this frustration, because that would bother me a lot more than the annoying comments. Yeah, I just always feel like he's also him because he's always asking them, like, we went to look at an apartment and he was live texting his sister photos and videos. I'm like, can you just be here with me? What do you say? Well, I told her what we're doing. I wanted to show her. I'm like, why are you texting her like live in the moment when we're touring this apartment together? He's texting them 24/7. Yeah. And I guess you just have to figure out how to have the conversation where you're like, listen, I'm not saying it's wrong. Great. But I want to do this with you. And I'm just asking you to like be in the moment with me. And by all means, if we want to get their opinion, but I would love for you to just ask me first, you know, like, that's all. And I just want to feel like we make decisions together. Yeah, because I sometimes feel like he's making them with them and not me. No. And like, this is a, this is a problem. I don't think it's a relationship ending problem. But I do think it's something you even need to work on with him. Well, it is mom say, if you, if she found out that you said to your boyfriend, I'd love to do couples therapy. Oh, she said, oh, because I have said that to him before. Actually, what did he say? He was like said, he would, but then said, well, you find it because you're the one that wants to do it. Yeah, listen, baby steps, I'm sorry, he said, I would have to pay for it. But I'm like, you're coming with me. Like, I just, I just thought that was already like, he wasn't interested. Yeah, I mean, it's not like, listen, it's not the best response, for sure. But I'm just like baby steps here, you know, like, I think that's something maybe you can even address in therapy. The goal here is get him in. Yeah, and her response would probably be a look something like that's not good, like something negative. Where or I think that that or being couple therapy is always a positive because you're helping yourself. She would definitely probably have a negative comment about it. I don't think you should threaten him like, I'm gonna like leave you, but I think you just have to. Yeah, I haven't to him. It sounds like they're not taking, yeah. And that, which is good. But you need to feel like he's hearing you. And right now it doesn't sound like he's hearing you, you know, exactly. Yeah, he's defensive. He's either feels like you're attacking him or you're attacking his mom. And you just got to say, like, listen, this is a real problem for me because like, I don't, I don't want to try, I'm not trying to come between you and your family. I am not trying to make you less close with your sister or your mom. I am, I just want, I don't want to be married to your family. I want to be married to you. And right now, and then you have a perfect example, like we went apartment shopping and before you
you even asked me like, "Hey, what do you think?" And before we talked about it as a couple, you're FaceTiming your sister, and it was if you're apartment shopping with your sister. Like, what, I mean, what if I liked the closet and she didn't like the closet? Do you at least understand why that might be a little frustrating for me? And like, he's gotta, you know, he's, you know, if he can't ever get there, then then it is a problem because like that, that would be a very frustrating thing. - Yeah, like I said, something, 'cause he was sending her like live updates, and then he like put his phone away, but I'm. - The trick is, 'cause I'm guessing right now, you're so annoyed by this, you're just, you're making comments in a way that makes him defensive. - Yeah, yeah, you're right, 'cause I'm so fed up, but I don't, I don't go in like, angry, I definitely am annoyed though, and I'm more hurt than anything. - You have to try to address these, yeah, no, I get it. But you have to try to have these conversations when you're not in the heat of it, like not when it's happening. You could just say, "Hey, can I talk to you about something?" It's something that's really bothering me. First of all, like I love you, I love your family. I do not want this to, but like when we went apartment shopping, that just, I just felt like you weren't in it with me. Listen, I wanna fuck up together with you. I wanna get things wrong. I want us to figure it out together. I don't want every decision we make is a couple to be filtered through your family. You know, I want to feel like we have some agency as a couple. I don't want your mom's input when we're naming our kids. - I'm close with my family, but I don't, like I'll go to my boyfriend for those relationship decisions before my family. Then you go to your family after, like his is the opposite, family first, then me, and I'll never be able to feel like I'm good enough for them. - Well, I mean, listen, like he's never, I want, when he talks about this, does it at least in theory have the mindset of like, well, when we are married, it will be different? - No, I'm not necessarily. - Well, it's probably a good thing, because like, you know, people who like make, well, it'll be different when something else happens and it's usually not. - Yeah, and then it's like not a later disappointed. No, it just, no, he doesn't really say stuff like that. I guess he's never been in this much of a serious relationship either, like for all these steps. So he's never had to deal with someone saying, "Why is your mom involved or why is your family well?" 'Cause he's just never been in a situation before. - That, like that is definitely not how I would ask it if I were you. - I'm sure I asked it. - You start with being like, "Why is your mom involved?" Like, it's if, it sounds like he's doing something wrong. - Uh-huh. - Right? So his first reaction is going to be defensive. - Yeah. - He is not hearing how it's affecting you first. It's like, you know, it's like the compliment sandwich, right? You know, you kind of have a compliment and soften them up and you get a little criticism and then you pat them on the back again. It's like, it's a little bit of that, right? I mean, most of communication and relationship is just like, it's, you know, it's like baking, it's chemistry. It's like, you have to, you know, it's like a, to dance. But like right now, you're like, "Why is your mom involved?" Why, like, ugh, you know, it's like immediately, he's going to get defensive because- - So then I get why he gets, yeah. - Yeah. So he is not, he's not hearing your frustration. He's not understanding why. It's, so when it's not happening, you have to, you know, when it's just you and him, you know, honestly, this might be better. Like, you've already got, you've signed the lease, you're moving in, it's done. - Yeah. - Okay. So, move in, like, you can always, you know, if shit hits the fan. - Yeah, we're gonna buy you a house or anything. - You know, yeah, it's, you have an exit strategy. It's fine. But you can like in, or early, fairly early in the moving in together, it's something I want to talk to you about. And then you first, again, you have to be like, listen, I love, I love your family. This is not an indictment on your family. Yes, I don't love it when your mom makes those comments, but like, whatever she is, who she is. Now that, like, we're living together. So like, hey, we see a future. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope you feel the same way about me. But there are oftentimes where I just feel, in case in point, when we were looking for an apartment, you have an example in mind. It just felt like my opinion wasn't as important as your family. And while I know your family's opinion is important to you, and I'm glad that we have them in our lives, and I'm glad that they are here to help us. Because you have to like, acknowledge all those things before you get to the criticism. Because it's first for-- - Yeah, good things first. - Because it's first response. It's gonna be like, well, you know, they help. And like, you know, he's gonna wanna defend them. So you gotta like-- - Yeah. - You gotta call out all the things that he's gonna wanna defend and acknowledge that you appreciate it first. Because it's not about them helping. It's about how he's prioritizing his family over yours. And so you just gotta say, like, I just wanna feel like we're making these decisions together. And then, you know, if we are indecisive, maybe we can say, well, let's ask your sister, let's ask your mom, and we can get their input. But like right now, you're asking their input before you're even checking in with me. And that kind of makes me feel like you were looking for our apartment with your sister. And I don't wanna feel that when we plan our wedding. I don't wanna feel that when we have our kids. Their first goal is to get him to just, do you understand where I'm coming from? That's the first goal is to get him to say, yeah, okay, you know, I see what you're saying. I acknowledge that that's fair. I will try to work on it. Like that's step one. 'Cause right now, he's all he's doing is defending mom. - Yeah. - And defending his relationship with his family. That's the trick, so to speak. - Yeah, 'cause I love them. I don't want him to think otherwise, I just-- - And that you have to really lead with that? - Yeah. - First. - Yeah. - Because then he's like, oh, you hate my family now. I'm like, no. You know, I love them. - He's only hearing the criticism. He's not hearing the phrase. - Exactly, yeah. - Yeah. - So it's easy to think that. So you're gonna have to not fight fire with fire and you're gonna have to be the bigger person for the time being, maybe always with his mom. You're gonna have to be the bigger person. And just, but that's fine. - You know, but sometimes I don't wanna be. - Good, well, you know, listen, you know, we all choose chaos sometimes. - I always will stick up for myself. I just don't wanna be this person that lets her speak to me like that. - Well, that's a separate issue and I don't care for this, you don't talk to me like that. - Well, I mean, listen, you're gonna have to figure it out with her mom, you know? And yes, it would be great if I just sounds like you're a long way away from him in the middle of it. Him being like, don't talk to my girlfriend that way, mom. Like, I just don't see a world. - Oh, I've never heard that before. - Yeah, and I wouldn't hold my breath. I don't feel like that's the biggest issue. Because you sound like a person who's clearly capable of defending yourself. - Yeah. - You're not a meek kind of, you know, helpless person. So you're capable of doing that. But like, we don't break up with our future husbands that we love because mother and laws are annoying. That's a right of passage. And you can deal with the annoying drunk lady. It's annoying. 'Cause I'm sure the annoying drunk lady is sometimes funny in charming and hilarious in the life of a party and whatever. But what is not sustainable is him going to mom and the family before he goes to you for these, what is going to be these major milestones and major decisions. And you need to feel like you have a partner and you need to feel like you have someone who's in it with you and values your opinion. And that is not sustainable if that doesn't change. I feel like this is a reasonable ask for him. And you, again, step one is get him to acknowledge how it makes you feel without him feeling like he's. This is, it's, 'cause it's not about his family. This is about him. - Yeah, at the end of the day, it's about him and his reactions and. - Yeah, and it's him acknowledging that, yeah, I have a girlfriend who I won't love, who I, you know, I'm planning on moving in with and I think I want to marry her. Who would want, you know, every decision that we make as a couple to, like, you know, be decided by each other's parents. No one wants that. And I think he's, I'm guessing, reasonable enough to acknowledge that. I'm guessing that you probably haven't communicated this in a way. - A little bit, but yeah, no, it's a work in progress. The more I say things, I think the more he does realize. - Yeah, but the trick is it's, I don't know, it's an art form because like every relationship, like he, he doesn't want to get nagged, you know, so you have to try to communicate with him without the, the jab, you know, 'cause he's used to the jab and he can, he knows how to ignore his mom and you don't want him to get good at ignoring you. So you don't want to act like mom when you're annoyed, which is to like poke and side comments and things under your breath and just, and hope that he responds to you being annoyed because I'm guessing his default is to just blow it off, not make a behold me a lot of it because that's who, that's how he's been able to have this relationship with his mom is to not take or obnoxious side all that serious. And so if he's finding you to be annoying and frustrating and not, he's just gonna go to good at ignoring you and that's the last thing you want. You want him good at hearing where you're coming from and validating your face.
feelings because like it's a reason we'll ask you know hey I want to do this with you. Yeah because I do sometimes I already feel like he he says okay but then nothing really changes. What does he said okay? Are we talking more about her jobs or are we talking about making decisions together? Like him stepping up for me but maybe if I go in like you said more calmer and like this is hurting my feelings. Well again I think the sticking up for you and you making decisions together are two different problems and I think one problem is more important the other problem but it sounds like the problem the the part that you are more focused on is the one I personally think is less of a problem. Yeah you think the making the decisions together is more boring. Yeah you disagree. I guess well I get what you're saying I feel like the other problem is the one that bothers me more though so. It's more present. Yeah and it's you know it's on a day-to-day because like that's her personality and she just loves to jab and you guys aren't making big decisions together every day but when those decisions do happen and you don't feel like you're being included or involved with your life. Yeah it's that's gonna be much harder to get over. If you're planning a wedding and he you don't feel like it's you know or god forbid you're like well I like the name Robin and you know I don't know and she's like well it has to be an Irish Catholic name you're like well I don't know but because she says it should be an Irish Catholic name he he will also think that. Okay well good for him but like that's that's where you guys have to compromise you know but he still has to be interested in your opinion like because mom says so can't be the trump card he can agree with his family as much as he wants but he still is going to have to compromise with you and you feeling like he is hearing you is is the part that's not happening the the jab part is I you know I don't know you I think you're more likely I don't you just have to find a way to get on her level. Oh I do I make the jabs right back. Well that then it's never going to stop. I mean you know if it bothers you that much. It's like why is she allowed to do it and I can't though you do it for us I'll say back. Because she doesn't bother her that that's her language that's how she that's how she has you know that's she's the that's is her. Yeah she doesn't take it personally. I just don't think it's in my personality. But you know what I'm saying you're playing her game and she's winning. No you're right. And then she says I'm too sensitive. And in her mind you are feeling scared of her. But you when you fight back and you snark back you she doesn't see you as too sensitive she sees you as capable of defending yourself and she likes to play that game. You're gonna have to take the high road and actually be like listen it really bothers me and you're just gonna have to look sad when she does that and it's just be like I don't hurt my feelings. And then if she's like what you're too sensitive be like okay well I guess I'm sensitive it still hurts my feelings and you have to not fight back because it's the moment you fight back she's just like oh no she's she can handle it. Yeah no you're right. I do I really think the being able to make decisions with him is way more important. Yeah no you're right so I'll have to have that conversation. I don't think we need to break up yet. No you're right you're right. Like I just needed to hear that though because I was like do I want to deal with this? Well you don't want to deal with it but I think you have to you know listen everyone needs to be coached and everyone needs to be molded a little bit and no one's a finished product. You just have to know he has the potential to value your opinion as much as he clearly values his family. Right now technically you're not his family so his default is to just you know family first. Yeah but you like and that's when you're talking to him it's more like again like it's the whole understanding where he's coming from I get it your family's really important you I love that your family's important you I like I'm have dated a you know enough of guys where they weren't family oriented and I love the relationship you have with your family and it's I think it's really great and I love spending time with them but sometimes it makes me feel like it's more important than my opinion about our life and I would love you to work on that and when it does happen I would be very careful how you bring it up in the moment or maybe go you know when you're making a decision you know it's just like I know you're not going to go apartment shopping again but whenever something comes up again that you guys are making a decision together you can say hey can we I want to do this with you and if we if we want your family's input can we decide together before we FaceTime mom or sister and I just want to you know can we I want to feel like we're doing this together can we do this together yeah I want to decide with him and then we can decide if we need more before you go into whatever that situation is you got to put in the ask don't wait for him to fuck up and then you make your like remarks that make him defensive and hopefully that will yeah listen it's annoying because like this you know you just want to stop and you feel right and and how you feel and it's totally valid and right now but you're you're you're playing her game this is helpful and Barry thank you so much okay no it really was because like I'm looking at in a different perspective now yeah I mean listen the good news is they clear like she sounds like she likes you it's just she's just this is I know that I know the type you know like she she's hard on me yeah but she wouldn't be hard on you if she didn't think she you could take it and I'm guessing she's hard on a lot of people in her family it's just like you're not used to this it's not how you would want a relationship with your mother-in-law yeah but if you want you know she probably has a heart and if she thought that she was really hurting your feelings I'm guessing she would tone it down yeah she definitely like I joke around a lot too so she definitely thinks I could take it but then I have a sensitive side you have to show that a little bit more I'll be more sensitive and so I'm sliding back well I'd love an update on how this goes yeah maybe after the move in more decisions yeah yeah and honestly maybe come up with something I don't know maybe you're you know you have to go buy a couch or your furniture shopping or whatever yeah yeah there's no apartment a lot of furniture so so when you do that hey let's let's go for a shot and then photos of it no but before when you do you that's when you put in the ass but like hey can we do this together if you know I would like to make this decision with you and if you want if we want to get your families input can we make that decision together before you just go and ask them what they think before you ask me what I think I just want to feel like we make this together and then you can kind of explain why because overall like you know right now I know you don't mean it I know it's because your family's close and I know you value their opinion and that's great but it just right now makes me feel like I'm not involved in these decisions as much as they're involved and I just want to feel like you care about what I want yeah yeah it's nothing against them at the end of the day so I just do feel like he values their it's his it's his default yeah it's his default it's all he's he's known and you guys are the same age and he probably just subconsciously assumes that his indecisiveness is you you you share indecisiveness so he's like he probably thinks he's doing you the cut you to a favor by asking his family and you just need to remind him that like no no no no like I want to do you know even if we get it wrong I want to make sure that I want to feel like we do this together because if at least we're doing it together yeah it's all true all right good luck well I appreciate it I appreciate you go have some fun thank you so much I'll try all right bye all right take care everybody how's it going good how are you good what's your name um Nicole and Nicole I'll kind of help oh how do you um 33 how can I help um so my question I would want to discuss would be how do I distinguish between legitimate red flags over my fear of anxiety of self sabotaging and getting hurt okay give me some examples of what you're weighing so my most recent example would have been I was dating the sky he had a girl best friend which is okay with me had a lot of guy best friends but then he would consistently lie about when he was with her and say it was oh it was just because I don't want to hurt you so I took it as a red flag yeah great but then he kept telling me I have a self sabotaging and I'm going to ruin it myself and I just think it was gaslighting yeah no sounds like you're he's he's why is he lying I'm who knows why he said it because he didn't want me to be hurt he thought he knew what he thought I would get mad did he give you a chance to get mad no he just would always lie like why did he assume that you can't you know it's like first of all like yeah it's it's weird that he's assuming that you would get mad in second of all like why that doesn't justify lying so are you I'm assuming you're not dating him anymore yeah no okay no so now I'm just saying see as a whole my sister said um my sister doesn't want that recommended me to talk to you okay and she said you give great advice and she said how should I just as a whole because I haven't had the best I guess picking of guys and she said.
I let red flags go and how do I know it's a red flag in general? I mean, first of all, I just like, I want you to acknowledge that you made the right decision with this last guy and you didn't allow someone who was showing obvious red flags that convinced you those weren't red flags. So, do you have another example when you maybe ignored a red flag that you realized was a red flag? It makes me sound stupid. Yeah, a different red flag when they do it, like I'm very empathetic, they know how to like hook me and then they do the red flag. But this guy told me his mom was dead, a whole detailed story, how she died. But while pregnant with him in a car accident, this, that the third, the woman was alive and well. Okay. And then after you've found out she's alive. I still talk to him. Okay. Yeah, that's how long ago was that? That was now like five, six years ago, luckily. Okay. And I stopped dating for like two years before this recent guy. To exact like fucked you up. No. Well, it was that one and then another one. Yeah. And then I was like, I'm just done dating. Have you only met guys who are lying to you? Pretty much like, have you ever heard like the three month rule? How like they can't lie after three months? Like people like for three months act one way and then they like, I feel like lied for the whole three months. Yeah, not for me. Three month rule. Oh, it's like a thing like they say someone can't pretend who they are for more than three months. So like, give a relationship at least three months to learn who they fully are. My past two, that's happened like at the three month mark. They start just changing everything that like they said they wanted or what they liked and then it's completely different. Well, the two examples you gave me are pretty, I don't want to say extreme, but yeah, they're pretty. Those ones are. Yeah. So I guess like my like the middle example of that would be just like acting like they liked my personality. I'm from New Jersey. I say it how it is. I'm blind. And then like liking that for three months and after three months like telling me to be quiet in front of like my own parents, like you shouldn't say that like stuff like that. Like what? Give me an example of something. Maybe you. I don't even believe like I could just rag on my parents or say what I want in front of my family as I would as if I'm with a friend I could like first make a joke. And then like the person like did not like that anymore and they thought it was weird. Well, that's a little different. That is just someone getting to know you and then realizing, I don't know, I think there's a lot of times really in dating where someone does something it's new, they haven't experienced or they go. She's a little edgy. That's fun. And then a couple of months go by. They're like, no, she really does this a lot. And I honestly not a fan and I don't like it. And that's kind of just dating. That's more normal than someone literally lying to you about their parent or this best friend who's a girl. I mean, in general, like I think it's cool that people can be friends with the opposite sex. And you're 33, right? Like so you're assuming you're dating men around your age. Yeah. And these are adult men and I don't think adult people if they want to be in a committed serious relationship should be investing a great deal of energy and time trying to still fit in their friend of the opposite sex with their lifestyle. I mean, you know, like that, maybe that is, maybe that ready for a relationship. You know, and if someone is like, you know, if you're dating someone, it's our dating. I'm like, ah, I got this girl, best friend. I don't think you need to be like, well, that's, that's not happening. I think it'd be fair to you for you to ask, well, what does that like friendship look like? And, you know, let's assuming you're dating someone for a month and you realize that they got a friend. And then in the first month, you guys are like, you know, it's all the butterflies. You're like, you're really excited. You're both being like, oh, I feel like I know you forever and I really like where this goes. And like, I think I want to date you. By the way, I have this friend with the opposite sex. I think it would be fair for you to ask what kind of relationship are you hoping to have with them, you know, it's like, oh, well, we go to the dinner once a week. It's like, well, you still plan on going out to dinner once a week with this, like, what are we doing here? I think it's okay for you to like, say no to some things, you know, because again, like, I think a lot of, especially adults when they have friends of the opposite sex, it might be completely platonic. There might not be any like romantic feelings, but they're still playing the role. They're playing a partial role that a partner would otherwise play, you know, it's like when I was single and I had like, like, a lot of girlfriends, like, we would go out to dinner and, you know, we would talk about the people we're dating, but like, when I got a girlfriend, I was like, I'm going out to dinner with my girlfriend, you know, maybe there was a coffee meetup to get, you know, check, you know, maybe, but like, if you're serious about someone and spending the rest of their life with them, you want to invest that time in that person. And if they're, you, if they're, if you can't see, feel like you're fighting for time with your new boyfriend and their girl best friend, then that doesn't sound to me like someone who's really interested in, you know, investing their energy into this relationship. They're like more trying you out. And it's just like, well, how involved is this best friend? You know, it's just like, I don't know many platonic relation friendships of the opposite sex were like the thing they talk about the most is their dating life. And it's like, I, you know, like, I didn't sign up for you to have a girl best friend to you to like, you know, complain about me with, you know, it's like, it's more about like how, how hard are they fighting to maintain the status quo of the friend? Well, yeah. Yeah. Oh, if they've been single for a while, it makes a lot of sense. They have girlfriends. Like, thank God they can have girlfriends. Like, man, you weren't, you know, it's like, if you're not been around women in the five years you've been single, but if they are serious about meeting someone and serious about like, you know, I know I'm assuming like you want to settle down and get married and have like a life partner and make decisions together. Yes. Well, that, that requires a lot of commitment and a lot of sacrifice and a lot, it requires a lot of like, I am choosing to invest most of my emotional relationship energy into this relationship because it, you know, and even like times with the boys has to like take a slight back seat, you know, if they're trying to fit you into their life without making it, you know, without being excited about wanting to prioritize the relationship, that's definitely a red flag. Yeah. I'm just like, is this all a red flag? Yeah. I think some of these red flags that, well, the good news is you're getting better at seeing them and not overlooking them. Yeah. What type of man are you dating? I mean, I don't really have like a type, but it's very general. I wouldn't even call them men. I guess I called them boys at this point, but are they sometimes younger than you? I've never dated someone younger than me now. My sister told me I should try. I don't think they're any more mature either do I? You know, I mean, let's you find the right one. Great. No, yeah. They're usually older, my age. Have you ever met a guy that you felt like that that you have no reason to think they weren't generally just an honest person and maybe you didn't like them or it just didn't work out because maybe it just didn't work out. Got on a date. You just didn't like someone? No. I mean, like someone you dated for a while, you liked them, maybe had like a mini relationship or a natural relationship, and they were just like maybe not your person, but they weren't like. Yeah. Okay. You have had that. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I need to decide you don't like them. Yeah. Yeah. So, I guess why you focused on, I mean, again, like we all meet bad people. We all meet liars, but like I'm just, from your standpoint, do you feel like you are giving the liars a disproportionate amount of opportunities compared to the people you? Yeah. Like I attract liars or something like. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. What do you think? Not a track. I think it's just a very empathetic person and somehow like they say like narcissists and liars know that and they kind of just crack on to you. Sure. But I don't think there's as many narcissists as the interclaims and, you know, I agree with that. I agree with that. And I'm sure you're empathetic, but I don't guess you're not like a walking, you know, like a, with a target on your back, but like this is a gullible person. I feel that way, but no, hopefully not. Outside of those two examples, do you have a more? Or I guess I'm in red flags like how to, there's a lot of like love bombing like how to when you say love bombed. What do you mean? Like someone that in when they first meet you want to be with you 24/7 act like they're in love with you and then just totally switch it like and that's not love bombing. Okay. So what's love bombing? Love. Well, technically love bombing. The actual term is when someone is like they're, you know, they're actually saying I love you. Oh, well, you know, that happened to no, no, the intent is to try and manipulate you with those words. Like they are deliberately doing it because they plan. They want something else to return sex or whatever they just, you know, they, it's coercion, right? They, they are aware that the weight of the words or their actions and how it will affect you and they're deliberately doing it to get something from you, right? Yes. That's, that's actually love bombing. Okay. Love bombing is not someone whose maybe a little immature gets excited because they met a pretty.
girl and you know they got the love goggles on and everyone is again is to your point kind of meeting their representative not the actual person and everyone's on their best behavior and they're they're just excited right so they're looking the other way and then as you kind of point out you guys kind of slowly get to know each other maybe in some cases your your crass mouth or your sarcastic humor or whatever it is with your family you do something and kind of rubs them the wrong way and they're like you know I'm just definitely less excited someone having a change of heart or feelings changing is not love bombing it's more being emotionally immature and getting their getting ahead of themselves so to protect yourself in those instances is to recognize that despite being excited you know and you're old enough to know the difference you know you can meet a guy he can be really excited about you and it doesn't matter how got how it doesn't matter how hot he is or how rich he is or what is what he looks like on paper doesn't matter how excited he is doesn't matter what he says doesn't matter if you both are like I feel like you've known I've knowing you forever like none of that actually beats just time spent together so if you meet a guy and it's all going great in the first three weeks it's just like man he's just like man this is great I have like no I guess I'm looking you know he maybe brings in his own relationship trauma to the relationship he's like I'm looking for the problem you know I can't find it you're perfect and you're like well you know we'll see you need to be able to recognize that despite your excitement that it you still don't know each other and then you have to be the part person you know if they're not willing to be to say listen I let's just enjoy what we have now and you can kind of almost joke be like listen like you know I'm glad you love me but like or I'm glad you're excited about me I'm glad you're really like me but like you're old enough to know you can be that pragmatic person is like we have we're gonna get in each other's nerves and I just like let's just take our time because that's just gonna get a guy to like you more quite frankly don't not to be so easily like it all it takes is for them to let show a little bit excitement and a little bit of planning for the future for you to be like oh my god this is great you know you can be the you can be the pragmatic person be like you know we're not we're not there yet I'm not so sure that makes them more focused on what they have to do to get you to be more sure you know when they're like hey let's I got you know what are you doing for Christmas you know you should come spend Christmas with my family you've been together for two months it's July and you're just like yeah it's amazing and then you're like I'm so excited you know like well and then you can kind of you get wrapped up and and they're pitch you know and then in the meantime like you guys are still getting to know each other and then you know August September all around and they're like I gotta I don't know I probably should have maybe asked her to go Christmas with me I don't know because now right that that just puts a lot of pressure on both people right so instead of you know in scenario one he really likes you you really like him everything's going great you're six weeks two months in the relationship he's so excited about you he's just like yo I know it's crazy but like what are you doing for Christmas and you're like I don't know it's July and you're just like listen your family seems great I'm really excited to meet them but like I just don't know like we've only been dating for two months and like this is going really great but let's just let's let's put a pen in it because I you know we don't know each other that well yet and that's gonna make him and that you know I'm assuming he's not crazy and he has some emotional maturity he's gonna be like fair enough you know but like the think about it you know when you know and that and that way he still has something to prove he's more thinking about making sure that you know you like him is opposed to option B you're just like oh my god really you want me to come to Christmas already you you love me oh my god you're obsessed with me like oh my god he's like yeah no I am totally right and then now he's like I asked you to go to Christmas she's super excited she that's all she talks about and then two months go by and then you know I don't know you guys start getting more comfortable with being your true selves and you start you know doing stuff and you rub them the wrong way and he's just like fuck I don't know like I I'm not even sure I feel about her and she's already planning on coming for Christmas and then he feels all this pressure right and the pressure he feels is you know isn't to get you to like him it's to being like I think I over I think I think I over committed here and I now he's looking for an extra strategy so much depends on how you handled that conversation and you give up your power when you just say yes to all these offers and all these future plans and all these like fantasies and playing house and you're just like yeah I mean if you're willing to do it I am willing to come you know and then it makes it seem like all you care about is just being liked as opposed to you being like I yeah I like you so far but like I still have standards and you have like we don't know if we'll see how it goes it you maintain your power because now he's still trying to make sure that he is doing the right thing to make you know is that makes sense yeah 100% and if I had to guess you're doing more of be right now I'm just saying yes yeah yeah and just assume that they're good for it yeah you know you know that you've met a guy you've really been really excited about the first four weeks and then two weeks later you get the egg and you're like I right oh for sure and I'm sure maybe you've got excited about him and you even maybe try like do you think you were love bombing him or did you just like change your mind no I just like changed my mind yeah I think it goes both ways right I again I just think everyone gets excited and everyone gets ahead of themselves when they get really excited that's normal it's not it's not that's not manipulation it's certainly not love bombing what about when the person knows like when they are trying to get you to tell it like make me say I love them is that like love bombing manipulation it really comes down to the the intent you know what do you think their intentions are like when when the when did that happen oh this last guy the liar yeah the one the girl with the liar yeah he was just right like the third day like said he loved me and I could tell he was trying to get me to say it how do you mean what do you mean she was just like saying things and I was like I think you want me to say something he's like well yeah and then like I didn't say it that night but like well first of all anyone who says I love you after three days doesn't love you it sounds it's fun to say it's an emotionally charged word at your age I mean you're still young but like you're an adult and at your age when you're that's right because it's like love but like I thought it was love bombing type where I guess there's a different word for it I think it's just being immature yeah yeah it's someone who's just immature or just like people or someone who likes to play house and they like they just like the works it feels good you know in the future when it happens if someone says that I love you for a few days you be like I would just confidently be like no you don't I'm glad you like me I mean I I get why you're super into me you know I can have some fun with it be charming be like you know I get it but you don't love me you don't know me yet and I don't know you so like I don't that's you can you should call it out confidently is like something that's kind of not an acceptable behavior I wouldn't like chastise them but you could just be like no you don't that guy was obviously a mass and kind of a walking red flag so it kind of made sense you know at this stage in your life you have to have a generally good idea of what our healthy what are what what what feels normal and healthy and like at a good pace and what feels like you guys are being 18 right because if he was 18 when you if you guys are 18 and he was saying this you just shock it up to young love and not knowing better he should know better when you're dating out there and a 33 year old or 38 year old guy acts like an 18 year old boy red flag you know and if he's telling you he's loved you up to three days he's definitely told someone else he's loved them after a short period of time as well you seem wonderful but no one like you know I'm saying no one falls in love actually that quickly you can feel it you can be excited it can feel unbelievable but practiced you still don't know them and you know and this is my opinion when it comes to like real love the love that we say that we want when it comes to like saying I do and sort of a family is knowing who they are and knowing their faults and when you say I love you you're not saying oh I love all your great qualities you're saying I love you and entirely you know when a guy says I love you to you you have to feel confident that he has seen your bad sides that he is seen how you are with your family and your bad habits and your your whatever it is your messiness what how you're fully aware of your shortcomings and when you're you know when we all date we definitely try to mask them a little bit you know they eventually come out in the end but for you to feel truly loved by someone is for them to have seen those things and if for them to be like yeah that's kind of annoying and but you know whatever you know I still love her and she's great and she makes me happy and yeah I wish she wouldn't do that but like whatever until you feel like a man has seen that side of you and still accepts you
you and then says, you know what, I love you, then you can trust that. And if a guy says it before that, most like he's just really emotionally immature and he wants, you know, that instant gratification or he, you know, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand that he needs to get to know you. The labels really mean a lot less to me, like, we get, nowadays, get so obsessed, love bomb, he cares what the technical term is, you just know, you should know at this stage of dating, that a guy saying I love you that early is just him, you know, caring more about how it feels to hear the word than actually how he feels about you. And that should be the red flag. And nothing mean you have to like cut and run, but you have to be able to call it out in a way that doesn't make him feel inadequate and then have him go, yeah, you're right. That's fair. I, listen, I just really like you, I'm just really excited about you. And I think I just got ahead of myself. That's okay. Normal response. That's fair. We're all human. We evolve. That's, that can even feel good. Yeah. No. But yeah, we definitely need to get to know each other. And, and then that's an opportunity to be like, yeah, no, listen, I have, I'm not, I know it seems like I'm perfect, but I am not, you know, and then hopefully that gives like a, a little bit of a window for both you to start feeling more comfortable to be yourselves and show a little bit of glimpses of who you actually are so that they can have, so they can accept that person for who you are. Yeah. Thoughts, feelings, concerns, like, no, I think what you're saying is like accurate, it's 100 present, right? Does it feel manageable for you to start doing like when I'm, when I'm saying this stuff, are you picturing moments that you've had with men in your past that you've dated where you could have said or done something a little bit different than when you did it. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And just take things slow and, but you say kind of like making a joke like, you don't love me. Yeah. You're charming. Just the important thing and it sounds like you're to got this because you demonstrated this with the last guy is you need to know what is healthy behavior and what is immature behavior. Yeah. And when you experience immature behavior with some of these men you're dating, you have to have the confidence to call it out and not let them convince you that you're crazy. Yeah. And not making it up. No. The trick is to like when you call it out to not make them feel inadequate, you know, you don't want to call them immature and you don't want to be like, you're fucking weird. That's where the charming part comes in and like, I get it. I'm amazing. I get why you're, you know, you're super into me. But we don't really know each other yet. And then the response to that should be an acknowledgement to you being a mature adult and then acknowledging that you're right. I just got a little ahead of myself. Forgive me. You're, you're, you know, you're great and I'm really excited. But sorry for getting ahead of myself, but you're right. Let's talk about Christmas in November and we'll see if we're still dating. And it's okay for you to say I'm really excited about you, but like I'm, I'm, I'm unsure about this yet, you know, not because of what you've shown me so far that I don't know you. We don't know each other. And that's like, I want to, I want to get to know you. And if a guy makes you feel crazy or tries to make you second guess what you know is healthy behavior and tries to pitch you on why the immature behavior is the right way, then that's is it, that's, that's an immediate like, you know what, not, you're not my guy. I'm not 18 anymore. I don't have the time to convince you why you are sounding like an 18 year old and not a 33 year old. And maybe, and, and you didn't sign up to coach someone yet that much, you think it's manageable? I think so. I have problems connecting with people. So we'll see what do you mean liking someone in a romantic way is hard for me, like connecting in that way. Harder than most people like what, you know, like I, I don't know. Yeah. I know it's my guy friend, but my guy friend always says to like he, I just don't like people that way. Like I like people's friends. Well, I guess what I get, people say that kind of stuff a lot. And I'm always kind of like, well, what do you, do you want to be in love with everyone? You know, like, you know, you go on 20 dates. If you only kind of liked one, I think that would be normal. Are you supposed to be in love with everyone? No, no. I mean, it's, you know, like if, if you, if we want it to be special and if we want to be unique and if we want it to feel like it's something worth fighting for and something worth making sacrifices for and keep investing and keep working at, like that, you should, it should be hard to find. It is. Yeah. But I, yeah. But like I doubt that you're like labeling yourself as in it, like there's something wrong with you. You know, I'm, I'm sure you're unique like everyone else. You have certain preferences, you know, that everyone's your cup of tea, there's a lot more people out there. You're like, yeah, you seem like a cool hang. Let's be friends. I don't know if I want to marry you or have kids with you, like, I don't think that makes you like some sort of like, yeah, well, you have, you know, it's them wrong with you. Well, that you're more difficult in the average person. Is Guyfriend I'm curious, was there ever a romantic element to it? No, no, he's, uh, he's known me like my whole, I've lived in LA almost 11 years. He's just known me the whole time through like my, I lost a bunch of weight. I was fat. I was skinny. He like has just known my whole, my whole existence. And how much is your weight fluctuation affected your confidence when it comes to dating? Well, I like not to sound anyway. I like still got guys when I was fat. Period. So I've not much. Okay. Yeah, not much. Okay, great. So that was that to do with the best friend? No, I just mean like he always brings it up. Like he thinks, I guess, brings it up and thinks he's like, no, he's like, I've seen you at all. You're different stuff with all your different dating and, uh, I guess he thinks I should have more confidence now with it and I guess I don't. I don't know. Do you think you don't have confidence when it comes to dating? I don't know. That's a good question. I guess it depends on the stage of dating you're in. It doesn't sound like you have confidence that you can find men that are interested in getting to know you and are attracted to you, you know, or you don't have, it doesn't sound like you like the confidence. Oh, no, I know men are attracted. To get on the apps, to try to set up a date, like you can get dates, right? Yeah. So you, you're confident there. And that's, that's such a big part of the confidence, you know, because a lot of people don't feel that way. You know, some people are very, you know, they've, they haven't had a lot of luck. They, you know, dating, they feel like they've, they can't even get a first date and if they get lucky in their first date, they never get a second date and they really get in their head about, you know, how people receive them. It doesn't seem that's your issue. Yeah, no. And to me, when it comes to the confidence in dating, it's such a big part of it. Or it's more like, you know, your seems like just trying to navigate a lot of emotionally immature people, while you're also trying to navigate how you feel about someone while you're trying to get to know them and that can, and that just can just, it's, it's naturally can get pretty confusing, pretty fast, right? You're trying to get to know someone. He's demonstrating some immaturity by being, you know, by moving too quickly and moving too fast. And the only thing you don't have the confidence in that there's a confidence thing is to know that you are correct and taking thing and feeling like things are moving too quickly, assuming that's how you feel. Yeah. Yeah. To me, it's this more, you, you being confident knowing that this is no, no matter how great you are, that knowing can be that sure that quickly. And he still has a lot to get to know you, and you would know that because you know you, right? Yeah. Yeah. And he's got his, his, his, his a feeling, his feelings and opinion of you is going to evolve, right? Like you, if you've been hanging out with someone for a month, they are going to think differently about you one way or the other five months later. They might be in love then or pretty close to in love or they might hit your fucking guts, right? But you are definitely going to show them more of who you are in those next four months. So they're saying they love you this quickly is you, you just, you, again, it's the confidence of knowing that's not true and then not taking this excitement as a sign of anything other than they're being a little, little, they're getting a little help themselves. Yeah. A lot of head and toes. So yeah. I mean, that sounds like the biggest thing maybe to try to work on and in the meantime, just because yeah, because you keep getting out there like dating so much, it's like taking your at-bats and getting your swings and, and then when you start liking someone and you feel like they like you back, that's the time to just maybe have that conversation with yourself or your sister, whoever, and just be like, all right, what have I done in the past, what I want to do in the future? I do like them. It seems like he really likes me. So I want to take it slow and if he tries to move things along, then just try to slow it down and, and explain why without making him feel like he's weird or an idiot. And hopefully he acknowledges what you pointed out, which is like, yeah, you're probably right, you know, I'm just really excited. though. Sorry for getting ahead of myself, but. And then.
And if not, if he tries to gaslight you or make you feel stupid, then you know it's probably not your guy. Yeah. And that's my answer with that anyway. Well, keep us updated. I'd love to see how things progress for you and hopefully something good. I don't think you are what was the phrase you're self-sabotaging unless there's another example that you have. No. I mean, I-- I'm telling you, you're self-sabotaging and you'd be like, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe I am. Am I?" Yeah. Yeah, no, that's-- again, the only thing that maybe you lack the confidence is confidence in knowing what's appropriate mature behavior versus inappropriate and immature behavior early in a relationship. But it seems like deep down you know what the difference. Yeah. I guess, yeah. Just putting it into action at the moment. Was this helpful? Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to see how things go. Thank you so much. I appreciate your call. Thank you. I love you too. Bye. Bye. Bye. How's it going? Hey, Nick. It's going okay. My name is Joss. I've been in 35 years old and I need help figuring out how I can stop begging my partner for the bare minimum. Okay. Tell me more. So we have a two and a half-year-old daughter together. We've been living together for a year. We were never really together and we just happened upon a living situation where we thought it made sense to move in together, to help him financially, to help me financially. But really it kind of feels like now I have to do everything in the house. So-- Yeah. I think you guys call it being like the preferred parent. So where I used to kind of have a couple nights to myself and she would be with him, I no longer have that and I do all the grocery shopping, I do all the cleaning and the cooking and I feel like I need to get angry for him to kind of start helping out around the house a little bit. When you say you're never really together, what do you mean? Essentially, we met when he was a line cook and I was a server, so tragic story. He was in a relationship, I was also kind of seeing someone, both those things ended on their own separately of us having a child together. So we were never with friend-girlfriend, anything like that. So you hooked up one night and got pregnant? Pretty much. A couple times and they got pregnant, but yes. Sure. But yeah, it wasn't the first time, but so you were at best maybe in a situation when you guys got pregnant. Right. And after you got pregnant, what do those conversations look like between the two of you? It was pretty difficult. There was, I would say, a lot of games kind of on both sides. I was trying to date someone. He didn't like that, but he wasn't willing to leave his situation. The person I was dating did not like him, for obvious reasons, so it was, I mean, I would say pretty toxic, turbulent time. Are you guys even together now? Or are you just like cohabitating? You see, it's difficult. We go out to eat and we take our daughter places, but I don't consider myself in a relationship. I'm working a job and a half and being them all. I don't care today. I don't care to go out. I don't go to the bars, I'm not on dating apps. I'm just trying essentially to survive. Yeah. So we do still are intimate with each other every once in a while, which I think is an added layer of complexity. Definitely. Complex. Yeah. It's, you're going about it all the wrong way, probably, but I feel like you know that. I do know that and I just heard things I need to be able to move out. I mean, in today's economy, you know, you think it's easier to be with the roommate and split bells. Yeah. So that's kind of what I was doing. Is it better? I struggle alone. Well, I don't know. One, I know that I'm sure your daughter is a blessing to you and I'm sure you're thrilled to be a mom. But I think you need to, but, but I guess my point is it's obviously a challenge. It's very expensive. It can be very scary, especially in your situation where you're like, am I doing this by myself? Do I have someone? How do you feel like he is? Is a dad? You feel good about that? Just like to your daughter? I mean, I'm not talking about how helpful he is. I mean, I wish he engaged more because I'm, quote, unquote, the preferred parent. What do you mean? What do you mean my preferred parent? I mean, if we're home, she wants mommy. She wants mommy to play with her. She wants mommy to get her milk. She wants mommy to put her to bed. Yeah, yeah. She wants mommy to get her toys. But he doesn't make it fun. I have to coach him like, oh, Daddy's a bear. He's going to give you a bear hug with the top. Well, there's a lot. Yeah, listen, I mean, you know, boys will be boys. Listen, I think I'm a great dad, but when it comes to that stuff, that's where Natalie really shines and she is certainly, in your words, the preferred parent. I think most moms with their young babies are, there's this. You guys have a connection that I think that's something fathers have to grow into is their kids get older and they get more mature. You know, they're capable of like bonding more where I think moms just have that organic true connection. And as good as the dad, as I think I am, I'm, you know, I'm an aloof person in my head. My default isn't, I'm not a goofy guy, you know, it's not my, it's, it's not my go too. And I'm so grateful that I have my wife to encourage me to be more playful and, and find my goofy side and, and, and I really appreciate that about her. I'm sure she wish she didn't have to remind me as much as she does, but there, there's a little bit of, like, that's, there's a little bit of, like, that's kind of life, right? But let's table all that for now. Right now you are co-parenting with someone you're not in a relationship with. You have enough of comfort and it's like good enough or occasionally you have sex because like you're both kind of there. It sounds like there's at least enough of mutual respect. It's not like, doesn't sound like it's overly toxic or, you know, miserable or, or it's just not, it sounds like it's just very confusing for you because there's really no defined roles and there's not defined expectations and neither of you really know what you, you want with each other and you're making the most of it. It sounds like based off of financial decisions, which makes a lot of sense. I think for you, you need to kind of like take a step back, right? And it's going to require some honest conversations with yourself and with your co-parent. One is, you need to, you know, just have a very, you need to, you need to figure out what you can do, like how much, like, understand that life's expensive and these times it's not easy for anyone. But are you capable of living on your own and what would that look like and is it possible? Now no doubt it might be harder and it might be more difficult. You might have to, I don't know what is, what is your support system look like? You have help with family members, are there, are you alone? Like what's, what's your situation look like? I actually have a pretty good support system and I was living alone while, well, I hadn't remained while I was pregnant, then moved out of my own, moved in with an aunt just to again try to save some money. She was very particular for having a cat and a small child. So I've done it before and it's a grind and I mean, I still still feel like I'm grinding. No doubt. How old are you again? I'm 35. Okay. So you're super young, you have a lot of life to live and right now you're putting your whole life on hold for this situation you're trying to make work, right? And so I guess you just need to, you need to understand your options and maybe a lot of your options aren't going to be perfect or ideal. But right now your current situation is getting you nowhere and there's no end in sight because you know, I guess one question is like, do you see a future with this guy at all? Just like, what do you think? Do you love him? Are you? I wouldn't say I'm in love because it's hard to love someone when you don't feel appreciated and all of that. I think part of my problem is going to him and saying, I don't think this is working. And because I feel like once I tell him I can't live there, I don't want to live there anymore. It's going to be one of myself. He kind of likes to play victim, what am I supposed to do? I don't know. I mean, you're, I just don't want to turn into his enemy. Yeah, I mean, I get that, but you're two adults in an adult situation. You guys have to figure it out and you just have to have a talk and it's kind of two separate conversations. Again, first, I think it's really important that you understand your options. Whatever those are and knowing that maybe in the short term, none of your options might be like, oh, perfect, perfect situation. The goal for you right now is to get yourself out of this endless gray area and find a path forward, whatever that is. There's a path forward with him. Maybe it's a path forward without him. And you need to sit him down and be like, listen, like, let's this be honest, like do we love each other? Do we want to make this work? Do we want to relate to each other? Like, no, there's no wrong answer. You just, you have to take the pressure off both of you and just be like, let's just be real with each other. I know. We have this daughter together. We are, we are connected, probably for the rest of our lives, certainly for the next 16, 17 years, but like, we're going to do the best for our daughter. like let's just focus on ourselves right now do we want to
be with each other? Yes or no? You both need to answer that question to each other. Right? If the answer is yes, then you need to talk about how you guys change your dynamic. You know, what are your expectations? What do you need from a partner? What would you like? Maybe he has expectations, and you guys have to find if there's some common ground there. If there is some common ground, then you guys need to prioritize, prioritizing this relationship, and the date nights or whatever, you need to connect, and you need to bond and find out if there's love there. You know, and hold each other accountable. Yeah, that's a difficult part. There's really no like dating or I mean, I didn't really even date before. Well, that's what you get. If I'm hearing you correctly, it sounds like you guys have never really, you guys just, you got pregnant. Life moved fast. You made some quick decisions. You guys were both probably in survival mode. You tried to date other people, then it was like, I guess I don't know, we have this kid together, fuck it. Let's just move in. We like each other enough. You know, and then you guys is to accept this new reality, which is like this, again, this endless gray area of like, I don't know where I stand with my co-parent, but right now I'm just focusing on my daughter, which makes a lot of sense, but I think you can accomplish both at the same time. But it does require you guys getting on the same page and having that conversation about like, what do we, what do we want? There's no wrong answer. Do we want, do we want to try to make this work and be a family? And if not, I'm not like, it's, I might be sad, I might be disappointed, but I would rather us both be happy and have a relationship with whoever they are and still be good parents to our daughter. The expectation is, no matter what we decide, we're going to be parents to our daughter. You know, I mean, you might be a better parent or whatever, you know, and you'll have to figure that out if you guys go your separate ways, but you just get, you have to decide what you guys want. You guys don't even, you don't know what he wants. You don't even know what you want. There's no reason for you guys to plan date nights because you're both like, I don't know, I mean, we live together. We're here because there were co-parents, like, you know, Nellie and I are married, right? So like, you know, there's the grant, we have twins, it's like, it's, it's so easy to kind of just get lost every day. And we, as a married couple, have to be like, you know what, I haven't connected with my wife in a while. I haven't connected with my husband. We are intentional about it. We, because we're married. And so like, we know that we, it is a priority for us to like stay connected. So, you know, you guys don't have that. You don't have an expectation of this relationship. They're not, well, you're not even boyfriend and girlfriend. There's no, there's no expectation for you guys to connect. And it's hard enough for couples and relationships who have an expectation to be a couple and still connect. You guys don't even have that. So, I don't fault either of you for not doing whatever it is, you know, you're, you're both might be waiting on the other person to do something. But there is just no shared expectation of what you guys want for each other as an individual outside of being parents. And that is step one is getting on the same page. But you need to, you can need to come with a decision. I think that's good clarity. I feel like I have a shared expectation. I guess I'm sharing with myself that we're kind of in this together and managing this household together and he's on the expectation of sometimes he's just kind of there. Like, I'm cooking. I'm pretty engaging with my daughters. Like, we're doing all these things around this person. Yeah. But like, he's there's no expectation. He's just like, I don't know. I got this room issues. But it's the right with me. And again, like his, he's, listen, I'm not making trying to make excuses for this guy. But like, he's clearly a dude who, you know, got a girl pregnant and didn't know what to do and wasn't sure how he felt about her. Wasn't even sure how she felt about him. And now he's this kind of like, whoever he was as a man, you know, that he's just being this man. And there is no expectation from you that's communicated that you guys have to each other that he needs to be a better version of himself in order to make this work. He doesn't even know if you want him. Yeah. You know. So like, what's, what's his motivation? I guess it's just, yeah. So you guys just need to get on the same page. That's kind of scared to bring this off. Why? I mean, listen, the clip, you know, clarity is the thing you don't have and clarity is the thing you need the most. Because again, you are going nowhere fast. You're only 35. But if you don't change your dynamic, you could easily quickly be 40 in the exact same situation and then 45. And you just kind of, you have a roommate that your co-parents with and your dating life has passed you by. And your opportunity to meet someone that you really can, and his opportunity to meet someone is, is lost. And you both deserve much older than I am. So how much older? He's 48. He just turned 48. Okay. Well, bit of a red flag there that he's, he clearly is set in his ways. Yeah. But nevertheless, you still need to get on the same page. And if, if the answer is, you guys don't have a future together, at least you'll have clarity. And then you hit, then you'll know you'll need to make some decisions. And that first decision is ending this cohabitation. Because there's no, like you guys shouldn't be living together if you're not going to be together. And I know that's not ideal. And in the short term, there might be some challenges and things like that. But you deserve to be in a normal, like if you're not, well, if you're not in a relationship together, it's not normal to be living together. It might be necessary, you know, financially, it might be something you guys were required to do at a period of time. But I'm getting the hint that right now, well, it might be a little easier in the short term. Yeah. You might, you have some options. And if you guys decide that you're not going to be a couple, then I think it's really important for you to end this cohabitation. And if he's like, well, what do I do now? It's kind of like, well, we're not, you know, we decided not to be together. So that's kind of not my problem. You need to figure out your shit. I need to figure out my shit. We both have a responsibility to our child and let's just figure out a co-parent together and get on the same page. And then you have expectations of a co-parent is very different expectations as a loving partner where you're raising kids together. You know, you can get people get divorced all the time. And, you know, a lot of times it's not fun or and not healthy. But there's a lot of successful co-parenting situations where they realize, hey, we're not each other's person. We both love our kid. Let's figure it the fuck out. But we don't want to be with each other and I want to find love with someone else. But it's going to be very difficult for you to date. We're just like, yeah, I got this guy living with me as a father of my child and I don't occasionally have sex. I don't even know where we stand. But do you want to go on a date? Like, how are you? How are you going to do that? Yeah. You know, I can even begin to think of doing that, honestly, because I just feel so drained. Sure. Yeah. Which, you know, I understand. But I imagine part of no doubt being a mom and the responsibility to come with it are draining. But it's also just draining to be confused about where you stand and not, you know, not know, do you have a dive the right to ask them to do this? Is this a partner expectation? Is it a co-parent expectation? That then itself must be draining, you know, just to be emotionally stuck is draining. Yeah. So I really think if you get some clarity about where things stand, again, no doubt you'll still be busy. You'll still be drained, but that you, you know, there will be moments where if you guys don't live together, hopefully you can figure out some kind of co-parent during arrangement, which will mean that like your daughter will be with him and not with you, which obviously has its downside, you know, having to share a kid. That sucks. But you might have more free time. Yeah. You know, you might be able to do stuff yourself for yourself, you know, and things like that. So I feel like that's where you stand now. It's not sustainable. And I think one of anything is recognizing, recognizing that and you need to, you need to change your current situation because your current situation is not sustainable. And when you accept that and realize no matter what I do, it can't be this. I either need to get on the same page. I mean, either to decide to actually work towards something. And then in that way, you will feel more empowered to have expectations of him as a partner. And when he doesn't meet those expectations, you can say, you know, you can decide for yourself how many chances you want to give him. But you should have some kind of line of being like, I tried, you don't want to be the type of partner that I want. And I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And so let's just figure out how to be co-parents. And if he does the whole like what I want to want to do is be like, well, that's not my problem. We're not in a relationship anymore. Yeah. You need to figure out, you need to get your own place or you need to stay here. I'll need to get my own place. And you need to start making adult conversations as co-parents. Oh, man. I feel like this is just going to blow everything up. You feel like what? It's going to blow everything up. That's a good thing. Do you like your current situation? No, not particularly. But it's almost, I just don't want to be having to fight and argue and what do you, what do you worry about fighting and arguing about? I just just kind of go into victim mode and what am I supposed to do and all this stuff? Let them. Again, that's assuming you're, so you're assuming, it sounds like you're assuming that if you have the, do we want to be a couple conversation? It's not going to go well. I just don't think it'll be a mature conversation is you framed it. Ideally, that would be the goal would be to have that mature conversation as to it.
alps, but I could just see it turning hostile and not in any way that it gets actually like physical or violent, just uncomfortable and where one of us is walking around to see at each other, does that sort of thing? I mean, I get that, but that's not a reason to stay in your situation because you're trying to avoid ultimately like one tough conversation. Right? Yeah. I mean, again, I know your current situation is not ideal and it doesn't feel like you have a lot of good options. I recognize that, but you just need to recognize that your current situation is not how you want your life to be. And right now, you are stuck in this very unique, very abnormal situation where you don't even know where you stand with your co-parent romantically. And it doesn't allow you or him to like live the life that you guys both deserve to live, which is to, you know, be a parent, but also like have a future and like a shared goal and common ground and and and the ability to have expectations without huffing and puffing. And if he doesn't want to be that person that you need, then you need to get yourself out of that situation. And that might require, yes, some uncomfortable conversations. He might get frustrated, but if he does you, if he doesn't want to be the person that you need, then you need to leave. You're giving him a chance. Right? And if he's not capable of. I'm like, there's sure. Well, yeah, I mean, listen, at the end of the day, you just got to ask yourself, is, is short term frustration and discomfort worth the like the potential long term opportunity that I'm going to give myself by changing my situation because my situation sucks because my situation is going nowhere fast. And you just that should be the title of this my situation. Well, yeah, but like you're either going to do something about it or you're not going to do something about it. I think it's difficult to because as you know, being a parent the day just goes by. I get it. I get it. I do not want to downplay all the responsibilities and challenges you have. That being said, you're you're you're you're frustrated at your co-parent for playing the victim. There's a little bit of like you're doing it a little bit as well. Like I'm listen, I again, I understand your situation is difficult, but I'm just trying to throw out some solutions and you have to at least be willing to consider the possible. Otherwise, you're just this is going to be your life. And if that's what you want, that's your choice. But it is your choice. You do have agency here. I know you feel stuck and I know in a lot of ways you are stuck, but you're not trapped. Okay. And yes, making different choices and changing your current situation will almost certainly create more short-term problems than exists now. I recognize that. Things might get more difficult before they get easier, right? You might have to live with an aunt. You would you really don't want to live with or whatever. You know, you might need to ask for some help from people that you'd rather not ask for help. You might, you know, be a little bit more financially straight than you currently already are, right? I understand that. But they're the all those all might bring a path. You know, you will you can find your independence. You can get your own place. You can start dating again. You know, there are solutions, but you have to try them out. Because your current situation sucks. And it's not getting better anytime soon. And again, you can try to find common ground with him as a romantic partner. It sounds like you don't have much hope for that happening. But until you do something about it, you've recognized that he's not going to because he seems to be less frustrated with the current situation than you are. Yeah. So you're going to be the one who has to do something about it. Yeah. And if you want more for your life, and I hope that you do, because you deserve more for your life, you're going to have to make some tough choices. You know, and I just think, you know, what you really don't want is five years to go by and you being in this exact same situation. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Like you're just comfortable, you're just comfortable enough despite your frustrations with your current situation to not do something about it. Yeah. I mean, it's like we have an argument or blow up. And then he tries for a couple days where he's doing the things I need him to. And then we hook up and then it kind of just drives back to, okay, why isn't this done? Why isn't that done? Yeah, but you're just nagging him about your frustrations without, and again, without an expectations of what you guys are as a couple. I mean, I just parenting is hard. I mean, it's just it's like fucking grind. And I'm lucky enough to have the partner that I have. And so much of the motivation I have, it's not all this like selfless stuff. I feel good doing things for my partner. You know, I feel like when I'm doing things, I am growing our connection. I am I am prioritizing that that motivates me. It's it helps. You doubt you guys don't have that, you know. And if you don't have that, that's, you know, that's okay, you know, but like you're still like in each other, you know, you're you're doing this weird kind of playing house. There's just no real like. And then that way, it's really easy for him to like this kind of be who he is. And that's why that's why I think it's really important for you guys to like, instead of like nagging, oh, you do this and like your problem isn't just I want him to help more, right? Because if you called, if you called up and said, you know, honestly, my, my co-parent, he's a great dad. He's super helpful. But like, I don't know, I just like, we're not together. I don't know where we stand. I would still give it the same advice, which is like, well, what are you doing? You know, it would be better that you, you know, because your biggest problem isn't like his, his laziness or how, you know, how he's not as helpful as he could be. It's that you guys are playing house and you have no expectations of what you guys are as a couple. And so then he's like, he's not motivated to help you in a way that I'm probably more motivated to help my wife. Right. You know, and it's probably easier for him to let you be the preferred parent. And, you know, because it's it is like, it's definitely I have to go out of my way when River is like, mom, mom, mom, mom to say, mom needs a break. Let's go. I got to step up. I got to be a dad because I want to give my wife a break, you know, but it does require an awareness in me, you know, it might also require my wife to, you know, point it out to me. But I want to, I want to give her a break. He doesn't have, he doesn't have that with you, you know, he's just like, I got this girl pregnant, and now she lives with me. Oh, okay. So it's wrap this up. Hypothetic based endown tonight. I say, what are we doing here? We need to talk. I mean, how do you even just segue into? Well, what do you want? How do we get on the same page? What do you want? You need to figure that out first. I mean, I could see a future where we're together. If you can do x, y and z, but I don't know that he's capable of doing those things. But is that solely based off of him doing chores and helping out? I mean, I kind of tell him, you know, like my love language is not physical touch. I don't want my like a slap on doing dishes and then with our daughter all day, you know, if you can come in and ask me how's my day or remember something I told you yesterday and follow up on that. But I just, I don't think he's going to change. Like he said, he's probably said in his maybe not, but I get, it just starts with it's not, I guess it's like, I think I could see a future with me helps out more. It's this more, I want to hear from you. I love parts about him and I could see us growing a connection if we got on the same page. And I want to see if he wants to do that. And the conversation is like, what are we? I, you know, I think we're both confused, but what we are, this isn't a relationship. And do you want a relationship with me? Because it has a relationship is more, a lot more to do with him just doing half the chores. You know, I want to, do you want to like, I want, do you want, I want to, I want us to fall in love. I want us to try to connect and go on dates. Do you want that with me? Do you want to make an effort for us to fall in love and see what he's, if he, if he, short of him being like, you know, that would be nice. I want that too. I wouldn't bring up the chores when you have that conversation. This is about the romantic connection. That's step one. Yeah. And if he's like, I don't know. And he's like, well, I want that for myself. I want to fall in love. And I, you know, and if it's not with you, I want that with someone else. He's like, well, what do I want to do? He's like, I don't know. Like, I didn't sign up to have a child at a roommate. Yeah. And if you don't want me, and if you don't want us to be of, you know, a couple, and if you're not willing to give me what I want, as a girlfriend, as a romantic partner, forget again, sending the child aside for a second, then, and then that's okay. But I, I, I want that. I deserve that. And if you don't want that, then I want to, you know, we, I got to make some changes. But you have to say what you want first. And it's not just about the chores. Yeah. Assuming you're right that he's not going to give you what you want. Then yeah, that you need to start.
figure out your options and what your next move is. He's not your problem if he doesn't want to be Your partner. Yeah, it's your kids problem and you're you know, and he's responsible to be a dad Right now. He's not responsible to be your partner. Right and that is showing in his lack of effort if that makes sense Right, and then you just have to not you have to not oh man And then again, you have to do something about it It'll be very easy for you to not do something about it because you're just comfortable enough. Yeah That's I guess that's my advice But let's again like you're only 35 you know like I I would focus a lot on what do I want my life to look like when I'm 40 And what do I what do I have to do to change things and that will prior probably require Some short-term increased discomfort But as long as you're safe and as long as your kids safe, I'm guessing the Additional emotional stress and energy that it's going to be required to make some of these short-term changes You will you will also gain some independence. You will gain some clarity You will stop constantly wondering where you stand. You will stop constantly Stop being frustrated at him because at least now you know where you stand And if you decide to move out and get your own place and stop pretending to be a couple then you can be like Hey, all right, you're the co-parent you got you know Two days away. I don't know whatever you guys agree upon or whatever like he's not gonna do the chores at your house Because it's you're not gonna live with them anymore right you won't be frustrated at constantly on him You won't be wondering why he's not doing stuff you might have you know, there'll be other frustrations and certainly like You know again, you'll have to fear about the co-parenting thing but You'll that that will free you up a little bit. I want to feel like we need to go backwards What do you mean? Like we were living apart and we did have our own space and all of that and Yeah, you guys decided to be roommates You didn't decide to be partners. Yeah, and you need to like make it clear that you don't want to keep doing this because I don't I don't want to like we're just roommates. Just call it out. You know, I don't want to have occasional sex with my roommate Who's my co-parent? Yeah, and it's worked out for now, but like I just want more I want I want more and if it's okay if you don't want it like you've Listen our relationships started kind of crazy. You kind of not take it personally, you know as much as you can But the the thing you have to keep asking yourself is what I want my life to look like in five years And if you want it to look differently than it is now you are gonna have to make changes and probably some tough choices Yeah, but you definitely can. Well, I'm going to go have a good cry Think about what your life can be and and have that motivate you and stop playing the victim if you don't like the victim I get it. You are you have a bad situation. There's no denying that you definitely have you deserve empathy You deserve sympathy you deserve all that. I'm not saying you're you know in some ways You are a victim of this situation, but you're not so much of the victim that you can't do something about it and Feeling sorry for yourself and constantly saying the sucks without doing something about it is the same type of Irritation you have with him you have to try to not be that Person, right. I know it's hard and I'm not saying don't go cry But like eventually you're gonna have to like look in the mirror and be like yo, all right I'm gonna get our shit together. I'm gonna stop feeling sorry for my situation. I'm gonna start getting fucking busy I'm gonna start doing shit about it and I'm gonna change my situation. Yeah, I mean, I know that and I take steps like I see an apartment and I Make the appointment to go on the door and then I'm like oh, I can't go on that door and because it's just so simple to just Feel like you're stuck or yeah, I know It's almost like getting cold feet. I hear you, but again, I think what you need to have you need to hear it from him that there's no future You need to just accept that decision first because right now, you're kind of like I don't know I would if you would I don't know maybe First get that clarity about where you guys are and is there a future doesn't sound like there's much of a future But who knows but like put yourself out there. Let them know what you want know what you deserve Don't settle when it comes to your romantic relationships and then if you get the answer You think you're gonna have then start making some decisions. He's no longer your problem if he doesn't want to be your partner I keep telling myself that That's eventually you're gonna have to believe it. Well, thank you for the clarity in all of this I hope it was helpful, but yeah, it was Separating the roommate aspect from the romantic aspect from the co-parenting aspect Yeah, but yeah, you're just you will listen. You can do this and I Hope that you remember this call five years from now. I hope you're in a different place And if you stay motivated and know you deserve better and and bust your ass you'll you'll get what you want It's gonna take some time, but You will be in a better place and you'll be proud of all the all the obstacles that you overcame to get where you got And that's what you need to focus on not focus on this sucks, and there's nothing I can do about it. Yeah All right, all right. Keep us posted. All right. You will do all right. Take care. Thank you
Podcast Summary
Key Points:
The woman is in a long-term relationship with a man whose mother frequently makes dismissive or disrespectful comments about her, including mocking her job and lifestyle, which makes her feel undervalued and unwelcome.
The man’s mother often acts out when drunk, and while she may overlook the impact of her words, the woman believes these remarks are habitual and emotionally damaging, especially when they occur during shared moments like apartment tours or family interactions.
The man is emotionally defensive, often downplaying or dismissing the mother’s behavior, and fails to acknowledge how it affects the woman’s sense of agency and partnership, despite her clear desire to make decisions together as a couple.
Summary:
The woman is in a four-year relationship with a man whose mother frequently makes sharp, dismissive comments about her, such as mocking her job, lifestyle, or choices—especially during shared experiences like apartment tours. While the man claims to love his family and respects his mother, he consistently deflects or minimizes these incidents, failing to acknowledge how they make the woman feel undervalued and excluded. She expresses concern that decisions in the relationship, such as naming children or choosing a wedding venue, are being made with his family’s input before hers, undermining her sense of partnership and agency.
Though the woman loves the man and respects his family, she is deeply frustrated by the lack of mutual decision-making and the emotional toll of being treated as secondary. The key issue is not just the mother’s behavior, but the man’s failure to see it as a relational challenge—instead, he defaults to protecting his family, which makes her feel like she is being sidelined. The advice centers on having open, vulnerable conversations with him about her need to feel heard and valued in major decisions, ideally starting with empathy and appreciation for his family, then clearly stating her desire for shared ownership in the future of the relationship.
This requires patience, emotional regulation, and repeated efforts to build trust, as the man’s default is to defend his family rather than listen to her concerns. The goal is not to end the relationship, but to establish a partnership where both individuals feel respected, heard, and included in major life decisions.
FAQs
If someone makes frequent, dismissive or mocking comments about your job, lifestyle, or choices—especially when you're not present—this can be a sign of disrespect. For example, implying you're not successful or competent based on your choices may indicate a lack of validation, which is unhealthy in a relationship.
It's common for some families to have a more casual or humorous style, but if comments consistently make you feel belittled or unwelcome, it's a red flag. The key is whether these comments are made with intent to harm or dismiss your worth, especially when they're made in front of your partner.
You should address the issue calmly and directly, focusing on your feelings rather than blaming. Phrases like 'I feel concerned when we make decisions together without me' help set a constructive tone. This shows you value partnership, not just family loyalty.
Yes, some behavior may stem from drinking or a naturally snarky personality. However, if the behavior occurs consistently and without alcohol, it's more likely to be a pattern of disrespect. It's important to assess if it's a one-off or a recurring issue.
Start by setting clear expectations early—like agreeing to discuss major decisions together before involving family. Use phrases like 'What do you think?' or 'How do you feel about this?' to show you value partnership and shared decision-making.
Yes, it’s completely valid. Feeling excluded from decisions, especially when your partner prioritizes family input over your own, can lead to anxiety and a sense of being undervalued, which undermines trust and connection.
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