E1176 - Husband's Affair Exposed at Our Wedding | Ask Nick

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Two of my childhood friends just got engaged, and they both made some wedding decisions that really hurt me. Tell me about them. A couple weeks after she got engaged, she sent me a date. I will not be available for that date because I am planning my honeymoon. I'm assuming she's mad at you? Her mom said, oh, well, if she was a good friend, she would change plans. And so after you talked to her, she was just like, I guess you're just not a good friend. Okay, well. How's it going? Good. My name is Catherine. I am 29. And my question is, how do I date normally after my ex-husband called off our wedding? Okay. So you were married? Yes. So he called off the ceremony? So a little bit of backstory. We got married in 2021. It was very quick after we started dating. And then we, you know, history throughout that. And then we planned a whole wedding in 2023. Two days before the wedding, he called it off. He just, I mean, what a dum-dum. Well, you guys. You guys really, you guys really did it backwards. I don't, you know. Just a bit. Just a bit. Cause you officially got married, correct? So like, like legally you were married. Legally, we got married in 2021. Yeah. We did like a small courthouse wedding. So you would, to get divorced, you need or needed lawyers. Yeah. Actually, no. So in the state that I live in, it's just sign a piece of paper. As long as there's no like financial, nothing, sign a paper. So he called off. I mean, I'm not saying that he called off. I'm not saying that he called off. I'm just saying that he called off. All right. Well, what do you want to talk about more like processing like the fact that he called it off? Is that still bothering you? And what do you mean by dating normally and like to what degree is how your ex-husband ended the relationship affecting you? Yeah, I would say I think I have like a lot of trust issues when it comes to dating now. I feel like I can't fully like dive into relationships because I feel like something is gonna like get upended for me in the long run. Yeah. Also processing the divorce. Well, it's a little tricky. Well, where did things where did things go wrong? I mean, we say so. I mean, we he called off the wedding, the big ceremony, the big, you know, wedding two days before the wedding. And we actually stayed together because we were technically married for another seven months. Um, but it's a little bit longer. When you say you stayed together, like you had a relationship or you were you're like, well, you know, I got nowhere to go. So I guess, you know, we're technically married, but like, were you were you guys actively trying to be a couple? Yeah. So again, we got like legally married in 2021. There was reasons behind it. My reason seemed a little bit different than his. Are you comfortable sharing those reasons? Yeah. So he really wanted to have a family and I also wanted to have a family. His timeline was a lot quicker than mine because he needed a green card. Um, so he is not from the country. He didn't divulge that that's the reason it's just something I'm assuming. So we can say that's an assumption. What do you mean? That's an assumption. What do you mean? So he, he was previously married even before me and his ex wife before me was who signed his green card paperwork. So that is who he had the green card from when they separated, they didn't legally get divorced. And then when we met and started dating, I said, I needed him to be divorced before I could fully dive in. They got divorced very quickly after that. He wanted to talk about kids. And I think for me, that was like a way to try and keep him here in the country. What do you mean for you? Uh, like in my head, I think him wanting to have kids that quickly after getting divorced and us not talking about it beforehand was more like, okay, if I have a kid here, it's going to be harder for me to have to leave because his green card, he was going to have to resign his green card. So I get them curious. I don't know anything about this stuff, but like how, how familiar and how aware were you with like, I guess his immigration status, right? Like I guess is that what, how you would call it? Like was he, was he being crit? Was he being shady? A tad bit from what I found out later on, like after we got divorced, I reached out to his ex wife because things just were not adding up. And the story. I got, when we originally got together was not correct. Well, according to her. So he was definitely being quite shady. Um, he, you know, wasn't telling anybody the truth. He wasn't telling her the truth at the time. He wasn't telling me the truth. So from what I know, they were, they had signed, like gotten married just because he needed to stay in the country. He had done it, um, as like a kind gesture and they were together beforehand. What do you mean? What do you mean? He did it kind of as a kind gesture. Yeah. So she did it. So they were, yeah, so they were like, they were in a relationship, but things started to get platonic, but they were so wrapped up and his student visa was ending. So they stayed together, got married for the paperwork is what he told me. And then when they separated, they didn't. So when you first, when you first started dating, he was upfront that he got married to this person because he was looking for some security in terms of his ability to stay in the States. somewhat yes what do you mean yeah what do you mean somewhat so like he he said that he had like like friendship feelings and love towards this person but not romantic feelings anymore but that's semantics i'm just saying was he up front that he was like that part of the conversation between him and this person wasn't just about love but is about yes he was up front yeah okay for sure yeah he said she didn't want him to leave either so you know yeah yeah that's i'm just curious if he was up front with that part because that's a big that's a that's a big part yeah so then they you started dating he you were like hey i i don't want to date a married man and if you know i'm like yeah take care of your shit he took care of it and then what were what were the conversations you two had um that caused you guys to get married yeah so he really wanted to have kids and i grew up in a traditional household where like you don't have kids unless you're married um and i had just said like i don't want to have kids with someone i'm not married to and then that's when the conversations really started to turn into marriage and in my eyes we got married way too quick how old is he he is 36 37 now okay so he was 31 at the time 31 when you got married how how old was when he first got married they were married for like two three years so late 20s okay so he said he's like i want to have kids you're like well i guess we need to be married yeah so then he got married and then how how how interested was he in having kids after you guys got married like right away like wanted kids right away you guys you actually tried you tried did you do you have kids together no no no divorce wouldn't have been that easy if we did what do you what do you mean he he said right away and then i asked if you tried and you're like yeah not really so i was still on birth control at the time okay um and i did not wean myself off of it like he wanted me to so that was really big fight between us okay so okay so you weren't ready he was no yeah and like so we financially were not ready so then why rush for the marriage that's a great question um honestly i think i was in a very different emotional state i've had to do a lot of work on myself and previously i had gone from relationship to so i think at that point like self-reflection i really just was like i'm trying to keep this relationship and this is seems like the only way he's gonna stay so so yeah so that's kind of why i went into it i loved i loved him um i definitely cared about him And I was, you know, worried to an extent that he was, you know, going to up and leave. What do you mean? Well, because he would always talk about going back to where he was from. So he would always talk about, well, you know, like, I might just have to go back. And we had chatted about, like, potentially living there at some point. But he always talked about, like, going back and things like that. And things never really felt final or, like, safe. So I felt like. So at what point was he like, I might have to go back? Again, I thought the whole point of getting married was. Well, the point of getting married is to have kids, I guess. So. Yeah, the thing. So he was just never really up front with, like, what he wanted. He always said he wanted to eventually go back to where he was from. But then his actions don't really match that. Because where he's at now makes no sense. He always, to me, his end goal was to go back to where he was from. Including me in that picture. But now he's living in a different state with, you know, a whole family. What do you mean a whole family? So how I found out we got divorced is he was cheating on me. And now has a child with her. Okay. So, yeah. What's his. What do you think his truth is? Truth about what? Like, what do you think his truth is in terms of why? Like, do you think. Is it like, oh, I wanted to have kids with you. Then we got married. Then you never really wanted to have kids. And then he met someone who did. And he had a kid with her. Is that his truth? I think that would probably be his truth. If you asked him. And when you found out, were you. Were you like in the honeymoon phase and everything was going great and caught off guard? Or would it happen where you. I mean, obviously it's hurt. It's hurtful and shocking to find that out. But like, when you look back at the relationship, how was the relationship at the time? So like when I found out what he. Like that he was cheating. Yeah. Yeah. So that actually happened. So we got legally married in 2021. Our actual. The wedding that. The big wedding we had planned. And with everybody involved was supposed to happen in 2023. Okay. It got called off. And then we stayed together because we were legally married. And I had said, I care about you. I want to fight for this. We stayed together until. What was his reasons for calling it off? Which again, is it just at that point, a really expensive party? Yeah. So his reason for calling it off was he just was like, I just can't go through with it. I can't say my vows to you. I can't do this in front of everyone. And it was. Two days before. It was during our bachelor and bachelorette party. Two days before the wedding, everything was paid for. Family was here. Like everybody was here. And he just. You know, we got into a fight at our bachelor and bachelorette party. He went home that night to our house and moved all of his stuff out and left. And then. And left. Okay. Literally, he brought all of his groomsmen into my home. They moved all of his furniture, all of his stuff into like a hotel room that they were all staying in. I had no clue. I came home the next day. All the stuff was gone. What part of that was like, I want to fight for this? For me? Yeah. I think it was because I had entangled my life. And like, he was my life. Like I had. We had a dog together. We had our apartment together. We had plans to, you know, move to a different city like a month after the wedding. And I was very like, I married you. It's not just like a breakup. I want to fight for. My marriage, because marriage to me means a lot. And so even after all that, I still wanted to fight for it with him. And what was like, what was his attitude towards that? At first, he wasn't like. So when he called it off, he was like, I'm moving back to my country. I'm going home. And then I think he realized it wasn't going to be as easy as he thought it was. Like he did have like a secure life here. Like he had a job here. He had, you know, like me. But like he had like a life. That wasn't going to involve living with his parents in a small town from where he was from. And so, you know, like wedding got called off the day before the rehearsal. It was supposed to be the rehearsal dinner. And probably about six hours after talking, he was like, I actually want to stay. I want to figure this out. And so we agreed. And we continued living together. Like everybody after the wedding, everybody went home. And we just stayed living together. We went to this new city. And then, you know, signed a lease there. Stayed there for seven months. Re-signed a lease. And then he got a new job and met this new girl. And then that's when everything fell apart. Did you move for him or did you move for you? We moved for me. I had gotten a job offer. And it was something we discussed. And he encouraged me to take it because it was going to be with a company that would get me to where he was from. Okay. Anything else? Not really. Not really. I feel like. Okay. And I guess how do you, like now that this has all happened, when you look back on this relationship, like how do you, I'm assuming you see it differently now. Like certain situations and certain fights and certain agreements. Yeah. I mean, everything kind of, now looking back on it, there are so many things that I'm like, that was just such a red flag. Like this didn't make sense. This didn't make sense. Like that was immediately why I reached out to his ex-wife. Because then we had very similar stories. So none of it really kind of came together. So now that I look back on it, the one thing I'm grateful for is he didn't let me walk down the aisle. Like in that setting, because that's super important to me. I still have that moment. But ultimately, it just really, I can't, to me, I just struggle with the fact that I trusted somebody and gave them my all. And they were able to just pull the rug out from under me so drastically. Sure. Yeah. I mean, which obviously sucks. But the good news is, looking back, I mean, obviously it doesn't change what happened. And that's, I'm sure you have a lot of different feelings about it. But I think you can explain it now. Right? In a way. Like, and understand it. You know, because like, right, your question is like, how do I date now? You know, this happened to me and how can I trust, you know, type of thing. Where it sounds like, I mean, from the moment you started dating. I mean, you've, you know, obviously the idea of getting married for, you know, status or green card. Obviously, you're, I'm sure you were fully aware of the potential red flags. So, I mean, I guess when you're dating, what are you struggling with? Like, what comes up? I feel like when I first started, I took a really long time after. I took like, probably about almost a year to like fully dive into anything. Like, I wasn't on dating apps. I was just like, really. Really trying to live my life and figure out me. And then when I did start dating, I felt like I fell back into that. Like, I need a relationship. But then I couldn't fully trust again. And so, like, I had like a situationship who like completely wrecked me. And then that took a while to get over. Why did that wreck you? I think it was just because like, he was the first guy after my divorce that I was like, oh, I could see a potential with. I had gone on like a few first dates and they were all just like. Not great. And then I had gone with this guy and, you know, we started seeing each other more frequently. And then we were kind of almost playing house. And I think that's where I struggle with is I. I feel like I know being married, but I don't know how to date. If that makes sense. Like, I know how to play house with someone. I know how to be in that married life. But I don't know how to just like date normally. Okay. Well, I mean, it probably start like. So and how are you playing house? But it was a situationship. Yeah. Well, like we would see each other every other day. Every day he stayed at my house. I stayed at his house. Like we just like we were just in it with each other. That was it. Like his parents knew about me. I knew about his parents, like things like that. Did you ever try to like define the relationship? Yes. And then that's when everything went south. That's when he like pulled it out and was like, no, he's like, I'm not ready for this. And then, yeah, we stopped talking. We talked again a little bit. But a few months later and then completely ghosted me. And then that was we haven't spoken since. Okay. How long ago is that? That was almost a year ago. The last time we talked was last September. What do you think you're doing wrong? I feel like I'm getting attached very quickly to an extent, but like not. Trusting at the same time. I don't know how to describe that. Not like trusting the person at the same time. Okay. Well, you can get attached to not trust someone. But it sounds like you're, you know, the playing house part. Yeah. You know, I think a lot of people do it to feel some kind of security. They don't normally like they don't like they, you know, there's people who are like feel insecure about their relationship or their connection with their partner. And they think a kid will fix it. So they have a kid, you know, it's just like, or they move in together or, you know, and things like that. Or they play house. So like, it seems like when you get attached to someone, you're not, you're not like listening. You're not. I mean, it sounds like you just like, you need to slow down and kind of under, like, be more honest with yourself about what, what, what's going on in these relationships. And rather than like ignore whatever it sounds like throughout these relationships, there have been moments where if you asked yourself, how do I feel about my connection with my partner? And do I feel secure in this connection? Do I feel safe in this connection? It sounds like if you are honest with yourself about both. with your marriage and the situationship, the answer probably would have been like, not not so much and your it sounds like your response to that was to not necessarily deal with the truth but rather you know find some kind of alternative to honestly kind of you know get get them to be with you regardless of how the connection was yeah i mean like that pretty much sums it up okay all right yeah it sounds like you have a more difficult time trusting yourself and trusting these people probably because i mean listen like you know right i mean like it's dating and relationships is tricky it's hard to trust people in general obviously people lie you can't you you cannot predict the future and you cannot prevent yourself from meeting people who might lie to you and honestly even the best relationships couples sometimes like you know slip up or fib or or find you know you know lie you know and they might have to deal with that but you're you're you're kind of avoiding the re like you're avoiding reality and kind of avoiding the tough conversations for like this short-term feeling so like when you date i mean you know like it's okay to like someone like you know the point of dating is to get a to eventually you know you have a few bad dates step one i think you need to accept that you're not necessarily accepting is that you're going to go on dates and not like a lot of people and that's right dating and and you're doing i think what a lot of people do which is understandable and normal is to see that as failure or feel like rejection or like oh there's no good options like you go on 10 dates you don't like any of the guys and you're just like well you just met 10 guys you know you met 10 people in the world and you know that's that makes people feel a little anxious about like oh i'm not gonna like anyone and then you like someone for the first time in a while yeah which is great it's great that you like someone but you're you're it sounds like you are interpreting a connection or a spark or just an excitement with as if if that's the only measurable and then once you feel that you're you you just kind of decide that you're all in you know where that's having that spark or that immediate connection is this kind of step one of a hundred other steps in terms of building that trust right like it sounds like you're willing to give people your trust without knowing them and and building a connection and you kind of you know listen you trust is a choice i'm a big believer in that like you you do to you you you know i you know you give someone your trust but you can give some of your trust and still acknowledge that they haven't necessarily earned your trust right is that right yeah i think that's a good point i think that's a good point does that make sense right so you can you know there's so you can you know choose to trust until someone you know violates that trust and you know that doesn't mean like every every question or every action they do you're like i don't know like are you lying and things like that you know but like that kind of letting go and and and just like again like it's it sounds like you're pretty like intentional with a lot of things if i say i'm gonna do something i'm gonna do it you know yeah which is a great quality to have you know like a lot of people don't have that quality but that skill set that you have you kind of use it in a unproductive way that's gotten you a pickle in some of the cases uh just just out of curiosity what's the story in your head and like what's the story you tell potential daters about like what happened with this guy yeah that takes a while so i'm it's only like when i so the situation ship knew like the story i just saw him that you know like i was married at one point i don't get into nitty-gritty details about like he called off the wedding like the wedding in my head um but then when they ask like what happened i'm just saying like you know he found somebody else decided that that was the path he wanted to go while we were still together so you know and now they have a like i kind of got conned you know i got i got yeah i mean i was technically married but i you know uh he used me for a green card and i got i got duped yeah why do they why do why do these people need to know his current relationship status that's true that's a good point you know like it's like you're you're offering this story that and again people you don't know how these men are receiving this information right but you're you're setting yourself up for her potentially for you're you're telling the story that you were not good enough for someone and someone else was better for them and they like trade it up so to speak and i'm sure that there's times where you feel that way but i don't i don't know how true that is you don't even know how true that is for all you know she's this this this other woman is his next victim i mean he got what he wanted he's got a kid and good for him but like i yeah people don't change and the fact that you sounds a lot like the guy i was married to um i think it's and again it doesn't really matter what the truth is but for your own sanity i don't you know you're telling yourself a story and then telling that story to potential daters that's probably embellished and and makes you feel worse than you probably should and then maybe paints a picture of inadequacy to these potential men where i mean you were you got victimized i got duped you know yeah yeah i feel like i i've never thought about it that way so yeah i mean much easier to say it yeah i mean and if they want to you know and again if they're you know as if you meet someone in a relationship blossoms and grows and you build a connection chances are they might ask more questions and you're like yeah it was a whole thing and actually there was you know we got married but again courthouse i was you know i i was um i was you know i was i was in love you know i liked him i i trusted this guy and you know i won't you know you you can all these details you share with me eventually if someone asks you can share these details like long after you've probably you know you feel safe and and and you feel like the person is just trying to get to know you better yeah none of this information i think is necessary to share early on especially yeah without them asking but yeah like your your story is i don't think you yeah it's i don't think it's very accurate yeah it's a it's a it's a story i mean yeah i haven't really told many like of my i don't like offer it on my first date for sure um and i think i've only told two like guys that i've you know thought could be potential the actual story or the fact that i am divorced it's on my social media but um other than that what do you mean it's on your social media i just like posted like a the year that i got divorced like 2024 i posted like a highlight reel like as a post and i just like did a little snapshot of like this year brought a lot of stuff and divorce was one of those things you should delete that i should delete it i mean unless unless is it important to you i think it was at the time yeah that makes sense it was at the time you know i was really we when we got did our courthouse wedding we didn't tell really anybody about it and it took a really long time to tell people like the full story behind everything when you when you look back when you made that video and you posted it how much looking back now do you feel like it was wanting people to know the truth about him did that was that some motivation there yeah definitely okay yeah so like now it's a little different yeah and did you get what you wanted when you posted that not like not really what i thought no i got a lot of like so proud of you but i'm like okay this didn't work out but i'm like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it really feel what i was looking for not necessarily but it's like you're you're you're making your own scarlet letter so to speak you know it's like you're you're not i want to be clear but you are painting this picture online that you're damaged goods that's a good point and you're just like offering it to the world you know yeah you meet a guy on the apps or out in the bars or wherever and you know everyone now kind of goes and stalks people's social medias and you're allowing people to like stalk you and you're like oh i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it and and and come up with their own narrative about something that happened a couple years ago and yeah that's it's pretty heavy and uh i don't know why you're offering that information to the world yeah i mean that's a that's a good point i think obviously when i posted it i was in a very different like headspace as in a very like i can overcome this and now you can and you you are and you did but like again i don't know why you have to brand yourself as like this divorcee and we do that right like sometimes these traumatic experiences really become our identity yeah and they do take a lot of work obviously to heal and get over and and you know when we get over it obviously we're proud of that work we did but i don't know if that's what you want your identity or your you know your personal brand to be and ultimately that's what social media is like especially if it's a public account it's like a personal brand like why is your personal brand like why is your personal brand like why is your divorcee yeah that's a good point I've never looked at it that way so yeah I actually don't want that to be my brand the whole idea of like a brand is silly but like it is you know it's the world we unfortunately live in So, yeah, step one, I would delete that shit. And again, when it comes up organically, when it makes sense, when you're meeting someone and they want to get to know you better, then you can tell that story. And that story can be told in a more authentic and accurate way because you're telling that story from the perspective of how you are today. You know, someone who's moved on a little bit, who's healed, you know, I'm sure maybe you still have some healing to do or some baggage from it. But like you can then tell that story more truthfully from your perspective in a way that feels more honest to you now. And then you don't have to like, you know, let people come up with their own assumptions and opinions about, you know. But again, I think the story you have is getting your head a little inaccurate, which is, you know, I don't know. Maybe, I don't know, maybe he left you for another woman because he wanted to have kids and maybe there's some truth to that, I don't know. But this clearly seems to be a guy who's very. Very mindful of his needs and what he wants and he seems to be willing to use people to get what he wants and needs. Yeah. And it was very easy for him to ask you to make some very big decisions and didn't follow through with those big decisions. And you were the second person he did that to. Yeah. So I think it's pretty accurate to suggest that, yeah, I mean, to be honest, I got, you know, a lot of people have been catfished and lied to and ghosted. Everyone knows what it's like to be lied to. There's degrees. You know, not everyone has a story like yours where it's like, I really got fucked over, you know. But I think most people can empathize and relate to know what it's like to feel played and fooled by someone. And I think that's, I don't know, I think that's a better story than being like, I, you know, I wasn't good enough and he left me for someone who is better than me. When you tell that story, it just sounds like maybe you're not over it or it's still like weighing on you. And then again, you have this whole like, you know, going. You know, on your social media, it's like, again, like I, if it would look like, oh, it's damaged goods. And you're not, you know, you're a human being or had some shitty things happen to you. All of, you know, all of us, many of us, most people, you know, like life is hard. You know, the good thing for you, and I, you know, I'm a big, like, I think one of the best things that can happen in an adult life is something that you are like, I can't believe this happened to me. That, I think that happens. To everyone at some point, you know, sometimes it happens early in like your 20s, sometimes, which is honestly better than when it happens in your 30s or 40s or 50s, but it happens to us all. And most people, it happens a few times. You know, I only say that is like, try not to have that, again, be your personal brand and really, you know, it's like it happened, you got to move on. But I think why it's a good thing is because it really can make you more realistic about life and relationships. You know, the trick is to not let it, you know. Scar you so much that you become this cynic where you can't allow yourself to meet new people and trust again. But again, I think this has more to do with trusting yourself, being aware, like looking back, not to obsess about the past, but to identify those red flags and recognize the feeling you felt when those red flags popped up and what you did to ignore those feelings. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Yeah. And so, you know, now when you date. I would, you know, you're going to want to like someone, you're going to want to feel that crush and you're going to want to feel that excitement and you can still feel that excitement and then something can come up where there's a red flag and it sounds like you do what so many of us have done, which is like be so excited about, you know, hey, I haven't felt the spark in a while, so I got to protect the spark. Yeah. So then I'm going to ignore things that show up after the spark happens because it's so hard to find a spark. And I'm going to ignore the red flags. So like, you know, like stop playing house. There's that, you know. Haven't done that in a while. You are a victim of that situation, but it sounds like that victim mindset has really taken over. And it sounds like you see yourself still to this day as a victim rather than someone who's survived it and better for it and ready to move forward. You know, because I don't think. Yes. There's a lot of. There's a lot of liars out there. And listen, I think what you don't want in life, you don't want this situation to stop you from taking big risks. I mean, I've taken some big swings in my life. Yeah. Some of those big swings have led to a situation where I thought to myself, I can't believe this happened to me. I just can't. I can't. I never imagined I'd be the sucker. And then some of those big swings have turned out to be the best things that have ever happened to me, you know? Yeah. And I think if you want something great in your life, you tend to have to take some big. Some big risks. But the biggest difference, I think, as you get older and the benefit of something like this happening to you is that when you do take risks in the future, you can be very honest about what those risks are. So that if you were going to say, all right, I'm going to do this again. And if it happens again, then you feel less like I can't. It's less of I can't believe this happened to me or happened again. But it's like, you know, I took the risk. I knew the risk. It didn't work out. You know? I know it's easier said than done. But I do think that does help. You know? I'm sure you don't need. You don't need me saying this. I can't believe that happened to me situation happens. It takes a bit to just accept that that thing happened. And that sometimes takes a long time. The benefit of it happening again after you've, like, recognized that and just more honest with the risk you're taking is that at least you shorten that period of time, if that makes sense. Where it's like, yeah, well. Yeah. You know. I guess. Listen, I made the choice, you know? And then I guess as far as dating, like, yeah. I think. I think you just maybe need to chill out a little bit when it comes to dating. You're still really young, you know? Yeah. Sounds like you don't have a problem getting dates. No. It seems like it. The city I live in is not the greatest, but I feel like everybody says that. So. Yeah. You know? But it is a city. Yeah, I guess. That is true. But it's not like you're not living in the sticks, right? No. No. I'm living, like, probably about 15 minutes out of, like, the major city. Okay. There are people. Yeah. Yeah. There are people around. Lots of people. Yeah. Yeah. Not just living in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. Again, like, yes. It's not the city. It's dating. Yeah. You are not supposed to like most people. Everyone's like, I want it to be special. I want it to be unique. I want it to be this. I want it to be that. But I want it to happen tomorrow. It's like, well, which one is it? Do you want it to be special or do you want it to be easy? You know? Because, like, usually those two things don't go hand in hand. Yeah. Unless, like, win the lottery. Right? That's special. And you just had to get lucky. So, yeah. I mean, it's not the city. Like you said, every city has a bunch of people you don't like. Yeah. That's true. And so you just have to be a little patient when you do like someone and be aware of that. Well, a connection's great. It's not the end-all be-all. And there's a lot more that needs to happen to really build that emotional connection where you just feel that trust. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, definitely need to do some more work on me and also just, yeah. Like, when you say that, what does that mean to you? Like, taking your advice of, like, not using that as my brand. Because that's definitely not the brand I want to have. And that makes way more sense. No one's ever, like, brought it up to me in that sense. So, that's not the brand I want people to see when they see me or when they first, you know, connect with me to some extent. So, definitely, like, working on that. Yeah. Okay, great. Well, I mean, again, like I said, most people around your age have a story. Yeah. And they've been lied to, you know. Maybe, again, it's probably a different story. It may not be as intense. But, like, you know, it's not a contest how, you know, who's the bigger victim. Right. And who's been more wronged. And it's all situational. I am. But, you know, I think a more healthier approach for you is more, hey, I've lived a lot of life. I've lived, I've learned a lot of lessons. I'm only 29. I got a whole life in front of me. Yeah. Thank God I didn't have kids with this guy. And, you know, when you meet someone, don't play house. You know, meeting each other's parents does not define a relationship. It doesn't build a connection. You know, moving in together doesn't build a connection. Spending every night together in and of itself doesn't build a connection. Actually connecting and, like, getting on the same page. Having conversations about expectations. You know, of the people you date. When you have these conversations about, you know, what you're looking for, what you like. That they actually follow through with it. They don't just say it and then do something different. And every step of the way, kind of ask yourself, is this person, you know, especially for you. Because, like, you have a track record of giving people your trust. And then having not do what they say they're going to do. And then still trusting them. And that's the part that is. Yeah. It's actually fairly easy to start changing. You just have to be a little bit more honest with yourself. And not be so afraid of saying, hey, I really liked him. It had some promise. But this isn't it. Yeah. You know. Because you don't want to marry, you know, or end up with someone. Or have kids with someone that is, you know, just a guy that you really liked in the first couple dates. But, you know, if you listen to the show, it's like, that's dating. It's just like so many relationships are based on. off how fun the first six months were you know and people will just keep investing in these relationships but when they look at the actual relationship there there's not much reason to keep investing and then you know and then when people like don't live up to their end of the bargain people like in your shoes will just do more of their you know it's like well i'll do more if you're not yeah now you were willing to move for a different city and granted it was like they moved for you but ultimately it sounds like it was for him because you were getting the job for him so that you could you know it's like you're like whatever i have to do to make this work yeah yeah no definitely i i definitely taken a lot of time living on my own was like a really big adjustment and now i really love that um i didn't love it at first and now i'm really starting like really finding my groove and finding like my community that's awesome so yeah and people generally are attracted to independence you know people who are secure with themselves people who know how to be choosy and picky people who know how to enforce their boundaries and no doubt sounds like you you project the opposite it sounds like often when you're dating yeah i feel like i can do it i can do it at work i can like be this like independent i can do it at with my friends but when it comes to dating i tend to yeah go the the opposite route well you want people to choose you you don't want people to choose the person you're willing to be for them and you're doing the latter and again like obviously i'm not saying you have to be like well i am who i am and you're gonna love you know like that's not what i'm saying obviously you have to make compromises and things like that but you're you're too willing to compromise without reciprocity sounds like yeah and i would agree just kind of being a little bit more honest with yourself about what you're giving versus what you're receiving in a relationship and yeah and if you think early on in a relationship well i feel like i'm giving a little bit more than i'm receiving what's going to happen if i pull back it sounds like you kind of almost have that conversation subconsciously with yourself and your your solution is to well if i pull back i think they might not like me as much or they might leave or yada yadas and i don't like that to happen so i i won't pull back i'll just do more yeah you just like hit it right on the head that was exactly how it was okay so now you like now you know the problem and now you can do something about it yeah in a way that you know because now you know before you called it was like i don't know you know it's like i can't trust and i don't know what to do and again it's kind of like this victim again there's a difference between you you were a victim you've been victimized but you are not a victim it's not your personality it's not your it's not your brand doesn't define you you're in the first third of your life and again part part of life is to deal with shit you know shit happens to all of us and the difference between the people who survive it and make their lives better for or the people who don't you know have it become their personal brand yeah yeah that's a good good point delete that shit i mean honestly like no one should know about your relationship past by your social media yeah short of it being like i mean i don't know like you know i i i still have like my my bachelor relationship on my instagram but i don't i just don't have the time to go scroll far that far back and delete it yeah no i'll just go change the caption just cheers to 2024 no just delete it why do you he's not in it it's a good it's a good little camera roll who gives a shit my 2024 who cares it's in your head like it's a you using you it's a memory you have the memory you don't need you know you don't need instagram to have a memory you know that's true like it's also like triggering for you and it reminds you of a mindset that you're trying to eliminate you got to get to the point where that happening was the best thing that happened to you because because it woke you up because it it made you feel like you were you realize that you had some work to do and that that you were that the way you approached relationships you had some bad habits and those bad habits got you in some bad situations and and then finally something so traumatic happened in your life that it made you go wait what are like i got to fix my bad habits i got to fix the way i show up in relationships i got to fix the way i do things so that i can't because i can't i can't um i'm never going to guarantee that i can meet someone that will never be the same person that i will never be the same person that i will never lie or hurt me or whatever but i can be more aware and more prepared and more honest and and now i can make better decisions because you know your life is just a accumulation of a million decisions and now you're in a much better place to make healthier decisions for yourself and you're in you're only 29 and that should make you feel really good and and really excited about the things that happened to me and well i got a story to tell you and uh and then when you tell that story you know they just see a sad person on the other end of the table and they're like well she's not over it yeah as opposed to like yeah that's just some crazy shit i got fucking duped and like boy and yeah i was out boy i was you know i was down bad but man i am so fucking grateful honestly the way it happened because like if if it if i got what i wanted then i i would not be here today and i'd rather be on this date than married to him and people can everyone relates to that you know i when i you know granted like when i met natalie obviously a lot younger than me it gave me a lot of confidence and security that she had her own stories even though she was a lot younger than me she had her own shit she had to deal with and things she had to overcome she lived some life she lived a lot of life a lot faster than i did and that was a big reason why we were able to work out because like she she wasn't like yeah i don't know i've never been in love before what's it like you know let's uh you first boyfriend i would be like oh shit i i don't i can't i can't be here for you know um i don't no one wants that no people aren't looking for i mean i don't i don't think anyone you want to date you know um so you know that way you can like tell your story in a way that's relatable and empowering rather than your damaged goods yeah no that was yeah i mean that's not who i want to be so all right thank you for that perspective awesome all right well good luck out there go have some fun try to have some fun dating you know again you're not you're not supposed to like most of these guys yeah and when you do like someone that's step one yeah and in the meantime just enjoy it have some fun yeah you know there are stories you get to tell i don't think we and i again i guess have the perspective of being a little older but like the best part of your life is to look back and like you know tell the stories about yeah that shit i can't believe that happened boy those are those end up being really fun stories in a big part of your life and when things do work out because they will work out for you it makes you appreciate what you have when you have it you know because you overcame things and i think you just need to look at this situation a little differently and be more proud of what you accomplish rather than remain the victim of that situation yeah yeah i agree okay yeah all right good luck all right thank you all right take care bye most dog food brands don't really want you seeing how their food is made just food for dogs is the opposite they actually invite you in you can walk into any of their kitchens and see real human grade ingredients like chicken beef carrots and peas being prepared right in front of you it's real food made in real kitchens nothing is hidden behind labels and that kind of transparency says a lot nothing to hide everything to love go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50 off your first order your morning rituals can set the trajectory for your day optimize your morning routine and feel your mindset with the g2 boost collection from pilot powered by the science of color these premium gel pens feature curated colors designed to power your day blue for productivity purple for creativity and pink for optimism go grab your pack of g2 boost today walmart g2 boost hues to power you how's it going good good how are you i'm good what's your name my name is callie i'm 25 and i'm wondering when do wedding decisions become friendship red flags say more okay well two of my childhood friends just got engaged and they both made some wedding decisions that really hurt me and i just don't know if i'm overthinking the situation or if they just don't value my friendship as much as i thought they did tell me about them um with my first friend she got engaged last fall i also i got engaged last winter so we're both doing wedding planning together which has been fun so a group of three friends all got engaged yes okay all within about six months of each other this first friend she was the one who first got engaged and after i did we ended up getting together talking and she was asking me about the guest list and what my thoughts are on plus ones for her wedding or your wedding for both Both, for both of hers and mine. But it's two different weddings, right? Yes, two different weddings. Not a joint wedding. So you guys can make different decisions. We can definitely make different decisions. But she was asking me and I was like, I haven't really thought about this that much because I just got engaged a couple of weeks ago. So I asked her what she's doing and she was like, well, I'm thinking I'm only going to have plus ones for people who are engaged. So I was like, oh, awesome. Great. My fiance will be able to come. Let's plan for him to come. Well, somewhere down the line, something changed and my fiance is no longer invited to her wedding and she has changed her whole theory. It's no more this cut and dry. You have to be engaged. She's inviting people who have been in a relationship for five months. She's inviting people who have. They've been dating longer. It's just it's not cut and dry. So my fiance was kind of excluded and others were now included. That's weird. Did you did you ask her why your fiance is not invited? I did not. Why not? I don't know. I just didn't know if it would be kind of an overreach because it is her wedding and it's her decisions. For sure. Yeah. But, you know, she is your friend and it's like, is there any way that like. After she changed the rules, she just forgot. Do you know that she is aware that your fiance feels uninvited or is uninvited? I don't think she is aware that my fiance and I are a little upset. One of your closest friends. Yes. As far as you know, is not inviting your fiance to her wedding. Yes. And she's inviting you. And granted, it's her wedding. She does whatever she wants. But. Do you think that she would think that's no biggie? I think so, because we did have like some conversations about it. And I mean, she did kind of ask my opinion. And I guess in the moment I was just like, it's your wedding. Sure. Again, it's your own decision. For sure. And ultimately, it is her wedding. She do it. She wants you have the right. I mean, listen, we all make decisions in life. You've probably heard me talk about parenting and child. And I'm a new dad. Right. And I'm a big, you know, like, listen, it's our family, our kids. We make the rules. I am not looking for, you know, I want advice from people. I'm not looking for people's permission for me and Nellie to parent our kids how we want. Right. That being said, if my parents or her parents or our friends feel a certain way about our decisions, they're entitled to feel. And if they feel a certain way, they are certainly entitled to ask. You know, no, there's a good chance I'll be like, listen, I don't know. You know, I'm. This is my decision, whatever. But like there might be. And any of these situations, some misunderstandings or miscommunication or assumptions, yada, yada, yada. So there's a big difference between she has the right to do whatever she wants, but she is your friend. And friendships require communication and understanding. And sometimes there's conflict and whatever. But like in order in order to resolve misunderstandings and conflict or disagreements, there needs to be communication. And you're not. That's that part you're just kind of punting on. You're just like, well, you know, it's like, I don't I guess I'll just. I'll just assume whatever I want to assume and. Let it fester and. And not not just talk to my friend. Yeah. And I guess that is a conversation I should have. It just feels kind of late in the game because her wedding is coming up in. When? A couple months. A couple months. So like not this weekend. No, not this weekend. I mean, I, you know, listen, I every wedding is different. But like, I mean, there are people at my wedding. I didn't. Oh, I, I know. I didn't even invite, you know, like I know some people just kind of show up. I mean, you know, I think that that's pretty common. There's always a last minute addition to a wedding. She's got a couple months. You know, I guarantee you that guest list is changing between now and then. That's true. That's fair. And again, she's she is welcome to explain to you why she is going to enforce this boundary, I guess, if you want to call it. Which is her wedding invitation as to why. Hey, listen, I don't know. I don't like him. I don't. I don't. I don't. I, you know, I think he smells bad and I want my wedding. I don't know what the fuck. And, you know, like, who knows? She's she is allowed to explain to you why he's not invited. But it's you recognize how it's odd that you're aware of why, you know, the decision she's making, because it sounds like you are kind of somewhat indirectly, at least not. And I see you're not part of her wedding planning, but she is going to you and informing you of the decision she's making about her wedding. Yes. Yeah. And one of those decisions is to uninvite your fiance or not invite your fiance. Is there any possibility that you could go to this friend and be like, hey, you know, is this like is so like Matt, he's not invited. And and and couldn't you be like, oh, my God, no, of course he's invited. I'm sorry. I just didn't like you got. I changed my mind after you got the save. The date. And I just I guess I forgot to tell you, like, of course he's invited. Why wouldn't why wouldn't I want Matt to come? There is there a possibility that could happen? I mean, I definitely can go to her and have a conversation with her, but I know for sure that he is not invited. It wasn't just like and how do you mix up on the save the date? How do you know that? Because it was addressed to my sister and I, my sister's invited to the wedding. So it was addressed as my sister and I are. Going not to me directly. When she changed her mind on who she invites somewhere along the way from. But was that after you received the invite or before? No, it was before. OK, what about the other friend? So the other friend, this is this is a longer one. Oh, my God. OK, the other friend, she got engaged in the spring and a couple of weeks after she got engaged and after she looked at some venues, she said. She sent me a date and was like, hey, are you available for this date? We're thinking of having our wedding at this time. And unfortunately, I will not be available for that date because I am planning my honeymoon for that time period. It's a little tricky of a situation because typically under any other circumstance, I would change things. But my fiance is in medical school. We're long distance, so we rarely see each other. And he has about three weeks during this one time. And that's going to be his last break for several years. So it's kind of like either we do it then or we wait for several years. So she knows this. And I kind of I told her again, I was like, this is the circumstance. I won't be able to come to your wedding if it's at that time. And I was like, are there any other times available? Because I was a little caught off guard because she was telling me all before she was engaged that she was. She wasn't going to have her wedding for several years. And if not several years, she wanted a fall wedding. So I was just shocked that she was going to have it in the summer. But that doesn't really matter. She changed her mind. And it conflicted with plans that you and your fiance made. Exactly. And she essentially chose that date, even though there were other dates available in the same month that I would have been able to. And then a couple of weeks later, we got dinner and I was kind of asking her, like, so why did you choose the venue? Like, excited. Like, why did you choose the date? She's like, well, I just love June. The date that you were free was just too early in June. Too early in June because, like, the weather almanac says it might rain or like, what do you mean? Like, she just doesn't like single digits. I have no idea. I asked her. Why is it too early in June? And she's like, I don't know. It's just too early. Okay. And I'm assuming she's mad at you. So it seems to be that way in a very passive, aggressive way. Or are you upset with her about early June? Like, who are you upset with her? Is she upset with you? I think it's just like this really uncomfortable situation because she had a few weeks after that been like, well, I wanted you to be my maid of honor. But like, now that you can't go. Like, I don't really know what to do with my bridal party. And so I think she's upset in a very, like, passive, aggressive way because she's like telling me that like her mom said, oh, well, if she was a good friend, she would change plans or she was a good friend. She would do this or that. And she was telling me how other friends that she had talked to were saying, oh, well, like, you can't make sure everyone's available for your wedding. And if she was a good friend and wanted to be there, she would. Yeah. But that's. Ridiculous. This is not like this is this is a very specific thing. You don't have a lot of flexibility with your wedding, you know, because your honeymoon is kind of connected to your wedding. It's all one celebration. And sounds like there's a theme here, which is you haven't really communicated and sat down and said honest conversations with either of these friends about your feelings. Well, with my second friend, I did tell her, like, I'm really sad. can't go, like, I want to be there for you. I just don't really know what else I can say because I feel like I'm kind of being put now in the position since that's all secured. Her wedding date is secured. She booked it. And your honeymoon is locked and loaded, right? It's technically not booked because it's a year away from now. But that's, again, like the only timeline that we can go. So I feel like I'm being put in a position of like, do I change all of that? I thought your fiance has a three-week window. He does. Yes. Are you taking a three-week honeymoon? We wanted to take two-week honeymoon. And the problem is, is her wedding day is smack dab in the middle of the month. Because she likes a good, she likes the middle of the month. Yeah. It's too early. She was just like, well, I like, I want you to be in. I want you to be involved in any way you can, like come to the bachelorette party. Okay, great. And we can leave it at that. It's just felt like really awkward because I still feel like there's this expectation on me because she keeps asking like, hey, has anything changed? Like, will you be able to come? Just let me know. She's like asking me like if I want to get my hair and makeup done for the wedding. And if I want to like pitch in for the Airbnb for the wedding, I'm like, the wedding weekend. She's asking for money. And I'm assuming, you know, like now for, yeah, friends are weird. Now, one of Natalie's good friends, she just got married. It was right when the twins were born. And she told, you know, she got married in France, I think. We were really excited. It was like, oh, we get to go, you know, I think it was or England. I don't know that or both. I don't know. It was a dope wedding. And they got engaged and they already knew, they knew pretty quickly what the wedding plan was going to be and told us. And we were really excited about going and then found out Natalie was pregnant. And then, and then the due date was literally like two weeks after, you know, when the, you know, it's like, well, there's no way with twins, she's going to be able to fly to Europe. And, you know, and we were now, we were sad, but Natalie was sad. And she obviously like, you know, it's like, Hey, I'm pregnant. Good news, bad news. And, and then, you know, I don't know, it was like a simple conversation, which was, Natalie was like, I'm just so, I'm so heartbroken, broken. I can't go. And they were like, yeah, we're heartbroken you can't go. But like, you know, we get it. Um, obviously twins are a little less flexible than, than, than honeymoons. But again, you, you know, you all got engaged around the same time. You all recognize that like, you all want your, your wedding and the events surrounding that wedding to be special. And there's obviously a little bit of overlap or conflict, but you would think that you would all just be at the end of the day, super supportive of each other. And if things don't work out the way you all want it to work out, just, you know, like, Hey, you know, to, to your friend's point, who was like, well, just let me know what you can do. And was your response was, yeah, I want to be a part of all of it. I'm heartbroken. I can't go. You know, I really, I'm, I'm, I'm so sad. I really want to be there. You know, we want to do this thing. We've talked about it just like you have plans. We have plans. And listen, I wish you got, I wish you were getting married in early June. You're not, I'm not, I don't expect you to move your wedding date for me, you know, cause that's ridiculous. And you would think that you'd both just kind of be empathetic about that. Like what, why is she in a position to judge the level of your friendship, but you're not in a position to judge the level of hers. I mean, that would be ridiculous. It's ridiculous for either of you to do that, but she seems to be comfortable saying like, well, you're supposed to do X, Y, and Z, but like, is there no expectation around what you get to do for your wedding? Yeah. And it just, it, it feels weird. Cause I just don't understand why she would ask whether I was available or not. If she wasn't going to factor that in, make the decision you make. Sounds like she's being passive aggressive, like you said, and a little indirect, but what did you say when she asked for money? I don't think I'll be able to go to your wedding. Have you with either of the, you know, again, I still think my advice still stands, which is, I think a more honest conversation is required of both these friends. One friend, it's like, why isn't Matt coming? You know, I'm glad my sister's coming, but like, can I bring my fiance to a wedding? Are you inviting her fiance? Yes, he, he will be coming to the wedding. Okay. So isn't that make it even more weird? Yeah. I mean, like she, again, she has the right to give. You an answer and it doesn't have to make sense. It's her wedding, but it does make a lot of sense for you to at least ask. I mean, you deserve to know, does she not like your fiance? I don't know. I mean, they have met a handful of times. So he's long distance. So she doesn't really like know him that well. So maybe, maybe that's her excuse. So maybe that's her excuse. Or maybe he, she assumes that like, he won't even be in town or he won't be available. Which may be the case. But it's just nice knowing that he's invited because it feels like in both circumstances, like my friends aren't really valuing or considering my relationship with my fiance. That makes sense that you feel that way. But just to, you know, everyone is very focused on themselves right now, as they should, in some level. Some more than others are getting a little lost in the sauce of planning their wedding. You all had hopes and dreams for what's coming. You all had hopes and dreams for what this moment in your life would look like. And you all kind of are centering your own feelings over each other's. I have the benefit of hearing your version. So I'm a little team you right now. But, you know, like, you know, it all comes from you feeling a certain way about how they're moving about their wedding. And I think you just need to have a direct conversation. First step one is to say, I would really like to bring him. I really want my fiance to be there. It just feels weird that he's not coming. If it's too much, he can replace my sister. But I'm assuming she's probably friends with your sister as well. She's friends with my friend's sister. Okay, so she's not even that close with your sister. So you could switch. I mean, if headcount's an issue. She has two months to change the card on the seating chart, right? I guess you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think that would cause a family tift between my friends. Between my friend and my friend's sister, though. Between your friend and your friends. So me and my sister are both friends with her and her sister. Okay. So our sisters are best friends. Okay. So that's why my sister is invited. Great. Because those two are best friends. Awesome. I'm just guessing one more person isn't going to, like, break the wedding. So you think I should just have a conversation? Because I think my. My expectation was that I was overreacting. You're overreacting that your fiancé is not invited? I don't think a conversation is an overreaction. Okay. Whatever your friend's answer is, if you get an answer you don't like, and you call her a stupid fucking bitch and burn her house down, that would be an overreaction. If you were like, well, then we're never friends again, that might be an overreaction. But depending on her answer, it might reframe. The relationship. But there are a lot of things that are keeping this, you know, like, again, her sister and your sister are friends and you're friends with her. It's just like. My guess is you are probably overcomplicating it. Maybe not. But the solution is just to find out. And then from there, once you get the actual reason and the actual decision. Because the way you're telling me, it would make sense that maybe she's just like, I guess I just assumed he wouldn't be there. And you didn't make a. I didn't make a big deal about it. So I guess I didn't think too much about it. Keep in mind, she is more focused on her wedding. And, you know, she is not. I know you feel like she's not prioritizing your relationship. But I, you know, again, it makes sense that she is just more thinking about her wedding. And if she hasn't spent a lot of time with your fiance because he's long distance and he's just got a very hectic schedule and, you know, she hasn't like bonded with your fiance. So him being there isn't a priority for her. It's a priority for you. And it makes a lot of sense why your. Your sister's invited because she's friends with her friends. And so her mind is just like, yeah, I don't know. He's just like, I guess if she really wanted him to come, she'd let me know. But maybe he's not even there. And maybe he just doesn't care. I'm willing to bet problem one will be solved with a simple conversation. Okay. And if not, then you'll have a better understanding of what your friend actually thinks and feels about your friendship and your relationship. And then you can go from there. But at least you'll be dealing with information and facts rather than. You know, your worries and fears. And then the other friend, a little different, but I think same thing, just a direct conversation of just like, it's just more reinforcing. Listen, I hope you know, because, you know, and I know this is your wedding and I don't like, listen, you wanted it mid June. I was hoping you would have it earlier, but it's not my wedding and I don't expect you to choose your wedding day over mine. I know my situation is unique. I really, I want. to be there I wish I could you know Um, but it's like, don't have the honeymoon that I wanted at the time when I wanted or go to your wedding. And it feels like two impossible choices, but like, I'm expecting you to prioritize your marriage and your ceremony in your relationship. You know, not that I don't care about you, but I, I am going to prioritize my wedding and my marriage and, and, and what I want. And, and it's not ideal, but like, you know, I just want you to know that I re I really, I'm heartbroken, but I don't like it. It does hurt just to be honest with you that I've had to hear from directly or indirectly that, you know, that my friendship is in question because I'm going on my honeymoon and that just hurts my feelings. And I don't want, I don't, I hope you don't actually think that. Um, and if you do, I guess tell me, but I just want you to know, that's not how I see it, you know, because I love you. And I, I mean the, the, the only re the, there's only one reason I can't be there and it's for this thing. I'm not taking some sort of like summer course. I'm not, you know, I'm not going on a girl's trip, you know, it's, it's my honeymoon. I've dreamt about this as you've dreamt about your wedding day, you know, and, and I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so happy that we all, we, we all found what we wanted all on the same time. And maybe we'll all, I don't know if you want kids or if they want kids, but if you guys do, and you know, maybe you'll have kids together. That's all exciting. You know, man, like I just found out friends, you know, uh, I have friends who, you know, who got pregnant and that, you know, as a, someone who's a parent, that's, that's like the coolest news to be like, oh my God, like that gives us reasons to, to, you know, it's like sometimes in life, life happens, you get married, you have kids and so much about your life becomes your kids' lives and you make friends with their friends. And it's just like, sometimes you just lose, you know, you lose touch with the friends that you chose for yourself because you're the life that you made for yourself doesn't always align with, you know, their life that they've chosen for themselves. I mean, quite honestly, what is going on with you and your friends is at the very beginning of life, which is you're starting your life, they're starting their life. And they're going to be a lot of moments where that doesn't line up. But the exciting thing is you all did get engaged at the same time. And the exciting part is, is that like, if that's, you know, if you guys do want kids someday, um, that like the fact that you guys are getting married around the same time, creates the possibility that your lives will continue to have a lot of similarities and make it easy for you guys to remain friends. Because again, when it comes to adult life, sometimes friendships, you know, you don't stop being friends with people, but sometimes you lose touch because like life happens, you know? And when you guys became friends, when you were all like single and, and, and friendship was like kind of the most important relationships you had outside of like sisters and brothers and family members. But once you get married, that, that the calculus definitely changes. So I think it's really important for you. In this period, especially with friend number two, to establish healthy communication and upfront expectations. So that as, as these life decisions that are going to become more and more complicated, you guys will have the groundwork for just upfront honesty. Otherwise, you know, the alternative is, is life happens. You all will continue to prioritize the life you are creating for yourselves. And if you don't get good at having just honest conversations. These friends, you'll continue to make assumptions about what they think and feel. And that will create a distance that maybe isn't even real, but you guys will continue to prioritize the lives you're making for yourselves. So it's just really good to start getting good at some honest communication with these friends and just be, be infusive when you're like, I'm really, I'm so I'm like, I really, I hope, you know, I'm so fucking heartbroken. I can't come. And if her response is well, then change it because she needs, you know, you want to feel like she at least empathizes with you. And I, and again, if these are really good friends, she, I think she, I think you can find that common ground, but you have to be willing to have that conversation. And if it's bothering you, then it's up to you to address it. And I feel like I have had those, I've had three conversations now with friend number two. Okay. Along those lines of like, I am sad. I am heartbroken. That I won't be able to make it, but I still feel like there's like this expectation. And so now I'm like considering, do I just not go on my honeymoon and just postpone it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not. I can't, I can't emphasize enough that this is like part of life. It's important to continue friendships outside of your marriage and, and, and, and not just be like, um, lose touch with everyone. You know, like you want to maintain friendships, but you are starting on a journey that is going to require you to, you know, the only way a marriage works is that you guys prioritize each other above all things. And then certainly you don't want to make concessions for someone who's being a little, you know, like it's, you, you would resent her. There's no, you know what I'm saying? Like there's, it's unrealistic for her to expect you to change this. It just, it's, it's just as unrealistic for you to, you know? You know, we can sit there and laugh about like, why not early June, but whatever. She doesn't want to get married in early June and that's, it's her wedding and it would be just as ridiculous for her to not go on to like postpone your honeymoon for like a year just so she can go to, just so you can go to her wedding. So, you know, listen, maybe it's another conversation. Maybe if you, maybe you already had these conversations, but I do think you need to, maybe it's like, Hey, I, I, maybe the conversation conversation is I, I. You keep asking me if I'm going to come, I've told you I can't. And, and when you keep asking me, you, I feel like you're expecting me to change my honeymoon and that feels, you know, kind of unfair. I don't, you know, obviously I, I wish you would have planned your wedding differently, but I'm, I can't, I'm not going to expect you to change it. And I just, it hurts my feelings that you kind of expect me to change mine. And if I don't, then you're kind of suggesting. That I'm not a good friend and that hurts my feelings. Let her know how it makes you feel, you know, no doubt. She has a different interpretation of this. And maybe when you say things like, well, I still don't think I can come if, if I really want you to go, that's like, oh, you don't think, well, maybe there's hope, you know, you are, you are painting an inaccurate picture that it's a possibility that things might change. Mm-hmm. her false hope and just like, say, I, I just, you know, and I get why you did that because you feel bad and you don't, you know, but you just have to be, you just gotta like, tell her what, how it is. Be as, you know, just like, she's like, yeah, I didn't, I'm getting married in middle, the middle of June. Okay. And so she did ask me to be her bridesmaid. So I was like, she's still waiting on an answer. Yes. And your response was, I don't know. My response was, you're right. I did kind of leave the door open. Okay. I don't, I don't think I'll be able to go. We need to like, look at my fiance's schedule and make sure. Cause the challenge with his schedule too, is that it changes frequently. And so there may be a possibility that. A very, very small possibility that I can make her wedding day, but I don't know. So that's, that's what you say. Listen, I want to be honest with you that there's, I don't like this either. You know, I wish there was more flexibility in my fiance's schedule, but Hey, he's in medical school. I want to be a supportive partner. I want, I want to support him in his dreams and our dreams. So no matter what I I'm, I'm, we're going to do our honeymoon. If we can do it, if something happens unexpected, obviously I will be thrilled to be at your wedding. And it's an honor for you to ask me to be your bridesmaid. But if me being there as a requisite prerequisite for being your bridesmaid, what I assume it is, then I, I guess I can't be it. And I hope if, if something does happen, which I don't think it will, it will. And I'm honestly, as much as I want to go to your wedding, I, I, I do want to go on my honeymoon, you know, but if something happens, I will certainly be there. And like, if, if I'm not your bridesmaid, it, you know, I'm still, I'm still your number one fan and I'm still your, you know, and, but like, I'll, I'll just, I'm just going to be grateful that I, it, you know, I'll be sad about my honeymoon, but I'll still be grateful. I got to go to your wedding, but I, I, I am, I guessing I can't be your bridesmaid because I don't want it to affect your wedding and then just be very specific and very direct. Yeah. Just talk to them. Yeah. I mean, it was difficult, but you are in, like, you are entitled, you're all entitled to feel how you want. And you guys just need to be, like I said, this is the first, this is the first big challenge that this, are the, are you all friends? The three of you? We are. Yes. Yeah. So as friends, the three of you, this kind of pod, this little tripod of friendship, this is each other's first big challenge of making sure that you guys remain friends for a long time. Cause these situations will only continue to come up. Because it only makes sense that you are all, all three of you will prioritize each other's marriages over the friendship. And that's different because three or four years ago, you three were the most important. in each other's lives and it would there was an expectation that you guys prioritized each other but that changes and that's okay you know god forbid something you know that it doesn't work out with these marriages and you guys can rekindle and be there for each other but none of you should be holding it over each other's heads that you're no longer each other's number one priority you can be each other's number one party outside of the marriage but like i don't i don't know how you make a marriage work by continuing to prioritize your friends over your partners in your relationships in your marriage you know like what's going to happen like if your fiance gets a job in a different state and and and your friends gonna be like well you can't move like what you know they're gonna be sad you know i don't want you to move i wish you wouldn't have to move things are gonna be different you know but they couldn't possibly expect you to not move yeah and the odds are that will happen so and i think that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's that will happen so and i think when you talk to these friends you can be maybe be the one who points this out it's just like this is the best part you know we are this we all we all got what we wanted challenges will always come up with our friendship but i love you i love you and i want us to be friends for a very long time and i don't want these challenges to come in the way of our friendship um and i i don't want i don't want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your partner you should always choose your partner but i i'm never going to question our friendship when you when you choose your partner over me and i don't ever want you to feel like you're questioning my friendship to you if i have to choose my partner over you but i and i love you and i just want to make sure that we can continue to be friends as our lives continue to grow and evolve and hopefully she agrees okay and if not then you know then i i would be prepared for that friendship to slowly distance and some that that does happen too yeah all right well i'll go have these conversations okay i'd love an update i would i would be curious how they go um okay this is a good practice for you you know just you have you yeah you have the right to feel how you feel they have a right to feel how they feel no one's wrong there's just some miscommunication some hurt feelings and i think maybe all of you are getting a little lost in the sauce because obviously this is a you know like while it's all great it's not ideal in a way that it all happened at the same time because in an ideal world one friend got would get engaged and then married you could all focus on that one friend in that relationship and the next person would get engaged and married and you could all focus on that and you know what i'm saying but that's that that didn't happen yeah and now you guys are forced to make some tough choices but none of which has to end the friendship because i promise you at your wedding the only and i'm sure you for me say this the only person who matters in any of these weddings is your partner and any good wedding i i just i now that i don't have a lot of memories of bonding with our groomsmen or our bridesmaids or you know like they're i don't re i i remember natalie i you know i remember the moments we shared that's how it should be um and everyone else had a great time at our party with reform okay okay yep thank you nick all right take care good luck congratulations thank you and congratulations to you thank you have a good one you too bye your morning rituals can set the trajectory for your day optimize your morning routine and feel your mindset with the g2 boost collection from pilot powered by the science of color these premium gel pens feature curated colors designed to power your day blue for productivity purple for creativity and pink for optimism go grab your pack of g2 boost today walmart g2 boost hues to power you how's it going good how are you i'm great how are you you know we're getting there we're we're getting there okay what's your name my name is carly i'm 27. and how can i help carly well i found out on the night of my wedding that my ex-husband was having a two-year affair with his hr manager you found out after you said i do or before you said i do after oh okay yeah and i guess i'm just curious on how i will ever be able to trust a man again and how i can figure out a way to trust myself sure uh how long ago did this happen about nine months ago okay uh how did you find out he passed out drunk on our wedding night and i was helping him get his tuxedo off his phone lit up and fell into my lap and she had messaged him on the night of our wedding okay what did it say uh it was can't wait to see you and then i'm assuming you confronted him at some point yeah essentially we had we had a lot of trust in each other so i thought we had a shared passcode which was our anniversary and i was like interesting that somebody would be messaging him on our wedding night okay and he had enough confidence to keep all two years worth of messages photos and videos well i'm sorry sucks crazy uh and then you quickly got divorced i guess did you guys try to make it work you didn't know i got it an old okay so that was quite a process in the state of california but that's how i got it an old so that was quite a process in the state of california but it was very validating to know that even the state was like yeah that was a fraudulent marriage and should have never happened yeah well that's that's a win for you what have you done to deal with this kind of trauma and pain and hurt like how have you been trying to heal you know i'm in therapy and i'm trying to have as many of these hard conversations with you know the people around me it's just like i feel like i trusted so much in him and his family in the five years that we were together and so it's like i'm just struggling with learning how to trust myself again and like my own judgment because i was so willing to put him on a pedestal and do anything and everything for him was there any when you look back were there red flags or were there some were there moments where you're like well that that makes more sense now you know i wish i could say yes but no like okay scary part it's like i was so he was so quick to do everything i needed him to do and like you know compliment me and plan our lives together and promise me this future so to me i'm like a planner like i like to have a plan and i think that's where it it bit me because now i'm like well here i was caught up in the future and not looking at what i was dealing with in the day-to-day but like you said i mean there's not there you didn't he just was i guess very good at this unfortunately unfortunately so but the way you you know the way you kind of you're like but you're like hey i was too busy planning i i didn't i wasn't i was too busy to not notice what was going on in front of my face that's where i feel like i'm questioning myself like were there things that i should have seen but when you look back you're you can't find any of those correct correct okay well i understand how the scary side of that is like but you're you're still painting an inaccurate picture of what happened is if you're supposed to be able to do something and now you're kind of being hard on yourself as if like well if i would have done things differently maybe i would have noticed but it sounds like maybe you wouldn't have yeah yeah and that's like the hardest part for me to like wrap my head around where it's you know how am i gonna let somebody in in the future where it's like i was so easy i mean i've yeah it's just hard i totally get it's hard i mean our first caller different situation but similar aspects but i talked about how you know listen like we everyone uh has at least one and often many moments where or i can't believe this happened to me yeah you know and obviously this is that moment for you is this the first time something like that's happened where you're just like truly can't believe this happened to you yeah i would say so okay well it sucks right now but if you do it right i'm a firm believer that this will be one of the best moments of your life i hope so too yeah yeah i mean it's just like well listen like i just life life is like no i just this is what life is about and it's there's a lot of disappointment in life um and and and what we do to respond i mean there's just a lot of things i wish i i wanted for myself in my 20s and 30s um and it didn't go the way i wanted it to some of those situations um involved a i couldn't believe this happened to me and if i got what i wanted i wouldn't be here today with you and i wouldn't like i wouldn't have my wife or my kids and i wouldn't have this show and yeah you know um so that i know that's probably not super helpful for you right now but you you just you have to you just have to trust and you have to how old are you again 27. you're only only 27. i know that doesn't i know that's not how you see it because you're like i can't believe i'm 27 because you've never been 27. um but objectively you're like you just you know you're in the first third of your life and thank god you found out thank god you know yeah because you, if you were, you could literally could have found out you could have kept doing this. The phone could have, he could have not gotten drunk and the phone could have not fallen out. And you would have been married for six months. You could have found out then, and then you wouldn't have been able to get in an old. Absolutely. Probably not. And it's like truly one of those. Yeah. Truly one of those blessings where I look back and I'm like, it needed to happen when it did. Yeah. And you know, my dad passed away two years before the wedding and everything. And I just, I feel like it was one of those moments where you can believe in the bigger things in life. And like, it was one of those moments where I was like, maybe he was the one to just show me what I needed to see, you know? And, but it's thought process like that. I think that'll help you get through, you know, and just believe in, in, in that it probably was your dad, you know, but either way, whatever, whatever caused it, thank God, you know, it's like, there's, you know what I'm saying? There's just two ways to look at that specific night. Which is, I can't believe this happened to me. I'm such a fool. How embarrassing. I, on the night of my wedding, I found out my, my husband for a few hours was cheating on me for two years and I'm a loser. Or it's like, thank God, it could have been so much worse, so much worse, infinitely worse. Could have gotten pregnant with him, you know, after, you know, it's just, it could be, you know, you can't, so much worse, so much worse. And that's just the part you're going to have to like focus on when you're feeling down and sad and feeling bad for yourself. Because at some point you will actually feel grateful. And at some point you will be, your life is going to move on. You will get over it. You will meet someone else, you know, and I know you have to work on some trust issues, but like, it will be better than what it was. And no, you know, and, and when, and when something, good happens in your life, you'll know that like, you wouldn't have that if that other thing didn't happen. You just haven't had that happen yet, but you just have to know it will, you know, you're not doomed for a bunch of unbelievable, unfortunate things to happen to you, you know? Yeah. Like what you experience is something everyone experiences. There's just different versions of it. And it's not a competition of like, which one's worse than others. Yeah. And you just have to, you know, when I call, when you're like, oh, is that how you're going? You're like, oh, getting through it, you know, understandable, but you got to stop that. Okay. You, when people ask you how you're doing, great. Even if you don't necessarily feel great in that moment, you have, you have to start telling yourself you're okay. Because right now you're, you're telling yourself, I, you're still telling yourself, I can't believe this happened to me. And, and every time you repeat that, you feel worse, you feel bad. And so then when people ask how you're feeling or you're trying to be honest with how you feel, you're like, but like, you're, you're not allowing yourself to feel good because you keep obsessing over what happened and you keep, you're in your, you're stuck in this disbelief that it happened. So I really think step one is I'm great. I'm good. I'm good. You know, I bet, I bet some small wins have happened in the past nine months in your life. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I got to know. Hey, that night, that day, that the annulment was signed and, and, and processed. What a great day. I'm great. Huge, huge day. That was a win, you know, and you need, you need to focus on your wins more than your losses right now. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely like a shift in perspective. It really is. It really is just a mindset and it really comes down to you and no one's going to be able to do that for you, but you, and it's just like baby steps. It's like, you know, and it's going to feel fraudulent at first when someone's like, how are you? And you're like, great. And you're inside, you're like, I don't want to cry. Um, but eventually you will, it will, it will start feeling more honest. Yeah. It really comes down to you focusing on your wins and not your losses. Definitely. And I will definitely try to do that. I mean, the trust part and trusting other people, I think you just have to, I guess, accept that life is unfair. Um, people lie. It's unfortunate, but. You don't want to become so cynical that you can't like, listen, this won't be the last time someone lies to you. Someone you care about. Yeah. Unfortunate, but like it is, it is, it does, it does happen. You're alive. You're here. Yeah. You're, it didn't kill you. I can't believe this. I remember where I was when I literally said that to myself, you know, I mean, I remember it clear as day, you know, and like, it's a scar, you know, it'll, it'll stay with you, but I don't, I don't, I haven't thought of, you know, I haven't thought about it in a while. You know, I, I thinking about now, cause I'm talking to you, but you, yeah, you just have to change the narrative. It happened to me. It was my turn, so to speak. It's happens. It literally happens to every single person. And there are guarantee there are people listening to this right now. Yeah. Who are like, girl, I would take that over what I have. Yeah, absolutely. You know? Um, and then you, you just have to believe that you have to know that. And, and as annoying as it is now, you have to be really grateful that it happened the way it did. Yeah. You know, because you can't change the past and you can't, you know, relitigating, Oh, I wish I would've, what could I have? No. What could I have found? Yeah. Whatever. You know, you, you survived it. Yeah. You know, maybe you lost some money, you know, whatever. Um, but you're still here. Uh, and it happened. And again, it could have been worse. It could have been so, so worse. And you have to obsessively think about that. If you're going to, if you're going to think about that, it just has to be like, Oh my God, I just like, I thank God I got it annulled. Thank God we didn't have kids together. Thank God I found out that night. Yeah. And it's going to be, it's going to be a really, it's going to be a really great story someday. Someday. Yeah. It will. I promise you it will. It will be a great story that you wouldn't, you wouldn't trade. Yeah. Some, I mean, you know, you want to get married still outside of like, okay. Like again, you, if you, if, if you had a genie, you got whatever you wanted, you, you want to get married, correct? Not, not, you know, you can't think of all the things that could go wrong. You, you do in a perfect world. Do you want to get married? Yes. Yes. And in a perfect world, do you want to have kids? Yes. Okay. So if that, it will happen and maybe you will get married and divorced, but if you have kids and when that kid shows up, no matter how your marriage goes or, or maybe you have a kid and you don't, maybe outside of marriage, whatever, you will be so just like, you will just be glad that child's there. Yeah. You know? And just like, you know, again, like obviously now you're grateful that you didn't have kids with this man, but had you had kids with him, you wouldn't have wished. The kid wasn't there. Absolutely. You know, and all I'm saying is no matter whatever happens for you in your future, it would not have happened if this moment didn't happen. This is true. And good things are going to happen. And this needed to happen for those good things to happen. I don't know what they are. You know what I'm saying? But this is just part of life. And it's, I know it's as easy for me to say, and, but it is, it is a reality and, and it just does you no good. To obsess over the, the why it happened and feeling sorry for yourself and obsess over the reasons why you feel dumb and foolish or why this isn't fair. And why did this happen to me? And it didn't happen to anyone else. And again, everyone, every single person has their, I can't believe this happened to me story. Yeah. When you date, take it slow, but like, don't, you know, ask the right questions, but like at the same time, the people you decide to date in the future are not him. Yeah. You certainly can. You certainly can learn. And maybe some red flags will, you know, or, or, or, you know, pay attention to the red flags and ask the questions, but you're not preordained to have, you know, it's not, there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with you. And again, like if, if you're being honest about your assessment, when you look back without obsessing over it to be like, yeah, he just was really good at lying. Yeah. And then you have to accept that, that he was really good. And if there was nothing for you to do differently, then so be it. Yeah. Yeah. And learning process, that's for sure. But yeah, I, I really think step one is to tell people you're good. Okay. It's been nine months. Yeah. Just didn't have, you know, and you've had some wins. Yes. You know, the annulment, big deal. Like, and you can honestly, because you can honestly say I was never married. Yeah. In the law, in this, in the, in the laws of our society, you were never married, but you do have a great story how you were almost married. Don't tell that story until you can tell it in a way that is empowering and speak with gratitude. Yeah. Cause this, you know, again, someday you will be glad this happened. Absolutely. Is there anything I can help you out with? You have, or is that pretty much, I mean, I think it's just, that's, that's great. You know, it's a changing of perspective and just hearing an outside source and, you know, your advice is great. Cause it is, it is something that happened to me, but I don't want to let it like define me. And that's, that's entirely up to you. Yeah. Yeah. And like shift that shift, that story and shift my perspective and just know that like, I, there's nothing I could have done. You are not alone. And control yeah in the uh shitty things have happened to me department yeah that part where it's like everybody has something you know every and and and the chance most people have more than one thing you know yeah um and you can't go through life trying to make sure this some version of this doesn't happen to you again they might right right you know and you'll survive that and life is not full of perfect moments it's it's a bunch of ups and downs yeah this is a big down but like i said it could have been so much worse this is true um okay all right yeah well keep your head up and start telling people i'm great i'm great i'm great but you have to you have to you can't say it with an eye roll you know uh yes you have to smile i mean you and and honestly as dumb as this sounds you have to like say it to yourself to your by yourself look in the mirror and smile when you say it and and when you say it think about why you're great what wins that i have i mean it sounds corny but it really matters you know it's just like the narrative it's this all comes down to your narrative about yourself in your life and if you have a narrative you have a narrative about yourself in your life and if you have a narrative about yourself in your that you are a victim you will feel like a victim and if you have a narrative of this this happened to me and i survived it and it could have been worse and i'm grateful for it and i'm going to pick up the pieces and i'm going to i'm going to have the life i want for myself and that was i didn't want that life thank god there's a return policy so to speak you know yeah um you're not stuck and the only thing that's keeping you stuck is you yeah and it's understandable i'm not saying you don't have a right to feel sad and and but like you and at this point you have to you know get unstuck yeah so smile when you say it don't roll your eyes look in the mirror practice yes yes i will all right okay well i'm sorry it happened you're gonna you're gonna be it's gonna be a great story someday someday it's gonna be a great story and it's sooner than later if you want it to be yes i'll work on that okay all right good luck out there thank you all right take care