É 202. : Et si derrière les comportements se cachait une estime de soi fragile ?

Today, I want to talk about a subject that is often poorly interpreted or where behavior sometimes goes for shyness, lack of life, or a child who has a strong temperament, or a lack of empathy, even opposition. And I'm going to talk about children who have a fragile self-esteem. Hello, I'm Mélanie Fortier and I'm a very specialized teacher and mom. With a little labyrinth in the dust sometimes. If you have in mind the simple development of your children in a approach that puts on security and relationships, you are in the right place. In each episode, I try to understand what is hiding behind the behavior of children. I offer you concrete tools that prioritize effective security and I also share with you some anecdotes of real parents' lives so that you feel better accompanied and less alone. My goal with my podcast is to strengthen your link with children, simplify your parental life, and make your parental adventure more sweet. And if you like podcasts, feel free to give an evaluation of your choice on iTunes or Spotify. It's always very helpful to make the podcast known to other parents. Bonne écoute! And since we are in the subject of self-esteem, I really wanted to share a little bit of life with regard to my grandmother. I found it so funny because this week, we put a new routine in our shower to help be a little more autonomous in the stages to make. And she added to the end of her routine, she took a crayon and she wrote, "clean my face with the soap without a massage, put it there and do a massage with lotion for the body." And I found it so cute, my daughter grew up and started to coordinate a little more important things, to take care of her, and the norm, you know, it's important for her to take care of her, a little like me, I presume. And honestly, it makes me so happy to know that my children use soft products, respectful products, safe products for their skin. And children are more and more interested in that, products for the skin. But it's sure that for me, with mistelage products and a quiet conscience, and that's so precious. Mistela, you know, I do it several times, I talk to you about it, but I love their products so much because there is so much positive stuff to say, the smell, first of all, that we recognize between thousands, but also the safe ingredients, the safe ingredients. Even for the newcomers, it's super safe to use the mistela products, I did it with my children. And then there is also a beautiful psychological awareness behind that brand, so for me, it's a big plus. So if it's things that come to talk to you too, I invite you to go do your little store on mistela.ca. And then, we decided to offer you a little gift, so I have a promo code, which is WIKID20, which will offer you a discount on October 21, or December 31, to go get the Chouchou products of your choice, which will be perfect to accompany your whole family. It could be particularly harmful for children who have a big carapace, who have a strong temperament. They can sometimes seem like children who are supposed to, and who lack sensitivity towards others, who are really turned out to be very focused, which is quite normal in the past when it's children, but because there is not yet the ability to put yourself in the other's place, depending on their age, but it could really be marked, it can make us, it can confront us, it can be a behavior that finally pings, pings, I do the reference, behavior that pings, behavior that triggers, the little buttons that our children know about, which are heavy, in short, which can trigger us, and which can seem to, that's the opposite, a lack of sensitivity, a lack of discipline, a lack of, a lack of bad behavior, whereas in fact, for several children, and I have a nuisance there, but it can also be a defense mechanism to pail to an estimated that is fragile. Because it's so confronting to look at the number, because we have such an estimated that it's too, in fact, it's too painful, it's too confronting, so the child can react completely to the opposite, with rigidity, with confrontation, and with what seems to us as a lack of sensitivity. And for others, for other children who will be more of a reserved type, well, they can precisely think for children who are a little bit shy, whereas it can also be a sign of a, of a, of a weak estimate. So I wanted to approach the subject today because I think it could come to light in several parents, sometimes to say, "Oh, Colleen, I had never seen that in that way, which is often the case in my podcast, parents often say that cream has, it generates declines, and I saw things in another way, you know, sometimes it just allows you to take a little bit of a step back, to see our children, because in life that is going to be, so to speak, in the past, it's normal, myself, as a parent, as a professional, but as a parent too, above all, sometimes I am in a situation where I was born too stuck on the situation and it takes someone who helps me to take a step back and have things from another perspective, from another light. So that's a little bit my goal today because I know that it's difficult in the, in the daily chaos, especially with children who are a little more reactive, children who are a little more sensitive, or even children who are a little more sensitive because, well, probably it comes sometimes with a heavy heart, it's like already a lot, so sometimes it's hard to get back to the question, but it happens a lot, the, the low-esteem among these children, unfortunately, because, especially children who are sensitive, because they have a really deep ability to analyze, much deeper, that between they put children in a neurotypic, I don't want to put them in a category or in another one, but what I mean is that it's part of their characteristics, the children are sensitive, it's one of the first characteristics, their ability to analyze is really deep, and so for them, since they analyze a lot, a lot, who have a very big memory, well, they compare with others, they can easily see what their flaws are, compare, criticize, and they are very hard on themselves, and even if they are able, in the normal time, to prove a beautiful empathy between these children who are sensitive, they are often very sensitive to the needs of others, very sensitive to the emotions of others, and they present a beautiful sensitivity, a beautiful empathy, but if their ego is in play, we will rather notice children who are going to be closed, who are going to be very active, so, and to be clear from the start, it's not because you say to your child who is good, who is a champion, or that you like, that his self-esteem will be solid, self-esteem, it is built, it is built in action, it is built in success, it is built in the discourse that you will have with him, it is built in the interventions that you will have with him, in the experiences that live on his side too, I was not the only one responsible or the only one responsible either as a parent, but it is also in the mistakes that he will make in the way that your child will learn, in the way that your child also knows his strengths, his limits, and the way he interacts with others. So, self-esteem, what is it already to make the difference, a little bit the distinction between self-esteem and self-confidence, because it is two things that are linked that look different, but there are still small distinctions, so self-esteem, we are more in the inner thought, a thought that confirms that we are a good person, saying love, so it is really a link to the consciousness of what value I have and who I am, finally, as a person, and so it's to be able to agree on this value of self-esteem, despite our flaws, and so for several, I don't learn anything in person, it's the work of a life, okay, there are people who will have a little more self-esteem, a little stronger, and there are people who will have self-esteem who sometimes, you know, sometimes it's like, "Wow, my self-esteem is more difficult, it's so good, it's normal too, but that's it, it comes with, if you're a slightly more sensuous person, if you're a person a little bit more sensitive, it's a little bit that your self-esteem, it cuts a little bit more easily. But we're going to say that like that. So, no more, we start with our early childhoods, and there's also that, just to not go beyond the calendar, I never do that, and we also have a lot of children's injuries often. The discourses that our parents had, the things they told us, the little names that gave us like Melagafe, or anyway, the things they told us, the discourses that can have also influenced our image of ourselves, or the way we were grounded, for example, the way that our parents made us live, our learnings, but all that has an impact today on who we are on our self-esteem, but that's why I say that the more we start early with our children, and with the good tools, with the good understanding, by sending the good red flags, the more we give our children the chance to build a beautiful self-esteem, a beautiful self-confidence, and to be a little bit less harsh towards themselves than they are towards us. So, we can talk about pride, for young children, children will often translate in a more concrete way, "I'm proud of myself, I'm so good, I did the most beautiful drawing because it's like that in your eyes, but even if it's not totally the reality, I'm so beautiful in this trouble." Well, that's self-esteem, and as I said, self-esteem is close to self-confidence, but self-confidence is really linked to our abilities and our achievements. I trust that I'm able to do the job of asking, even if it will ask me a little bit of effort, or I trust that I can climb on the throne that fell to the ground and walk on it, even if it can be that I fall, it's not serious, I'm going to get up and I'm going to start again. But you have to be a human being to have a beautiful self-confidence and in its abilities, and still have self-esteem, which is a little more fragile, like for example, I can get super confident when I drive, for example, because I've never had accidents, I'm super cautious, I respect the road code, well, there you go, but I have a weak self-esteem, you know, for, let's say, I often have the syndrome of an impostor in my job, I often feel like I compare myself to others, that I don't do enough, that I don't bring you enough, that I don't grow enough, that I don't have enough knowledge, so we're really in my self-esteem. However, I trust that I can do my job well too, you know, I wrote a book, I trust that I can support you, that I can accompany you, but sometimes, my little voice, if I ask myself, "Are you really enough?", there's always room for improvement, so my self-esteem is a little more fragile, I'll tell you, so I hope you understand a little bit of the nuance. One is for the image of yourself, what I worth, my strengths, my qualities, my flaws, my limits, and the other is really connected to skills and the belief in success. So, when a child has a good self-esteem, well, often, he will accept himself as he is, and he will see himself in a more positive way, you know, feeling worthy of being loved, feeling enough, it's going to be a child who will feel quite safe too, to try new things, even if it's not enough, even if it's not enough, that someone who's out of his way, but it's like, I'm able to go beyond that, it's someone who's able to face the challenges of the daily life, it's basically, it's someone who's able to understand that there's value, even if everything he does is not perfect, and that's difficult for several children, so several children are sensitive or anxious, or will have difficulties understanding that mistakes don't define who they are, that the mistakes are there to learn, to advance, for some children who have a more firm self-esteem, it's not even conceivable to make mistakes, because making a mistake means that I'm not perfect, and if I'm not perfect, it means that I'm worth nothing, and in the past, it's not linear, the self-esteem can change depending on the situation, for example, a child is super at ease, because it's been 4 years since he goes into his family environment, he knows, he's familiar with the children, the environment, the adult who's there, so he really feels at ease, he feels, he feels very confident, but so his self-esteem, his positive image of him is a little bit stronger, whereas, for example, a child who often changes, when you move, often changes from a middle school to a high school, it can turn things around, it can question the child's style, which sometimes is not a bad thing, it's right to question yourself, and we, as parents, have to be there to support them, so it's not linear, there are phases, sometimes there are situations that can, conflicts can also be overcome, that the child can get a little bit more in question, it can have a little bit more of his own self-esteem, but generally, we can go over it, and continue to move forward, and to get a little more confident, and to live better with our qualities and our flaws. Ok, so, concretely, it presents itself as a good choice for a child, roughly speaking, for children of 2 to 12 years, it could be about the same things that will change, it will probably be the way that it is expressed, so a child with a good self-esteem, it will have a child who will dare to make choices, a child who will be at ease with others, who will be able to express his needs, his feelings, to recognize and express, also to affirm his preferences, it's a child who will be able to take risks, small risks, the biggest risks he will also dare, who will also give himself the right to error, it's a child who will trust himself, who will trust others, and who will be able to impose his own limits to respect himself, and there, little bimol, be careful, because a shy child, or a child who is ill right, there is not necessarily a weak estimate, you really have to go by case by case, ok, I give the information, and if each child is different, it's your detective job, after that, to look at it, and try to see, hmm, it can be you or that that, but you know, I'm going to give you examples, it may help you, but you know, you don't have to forget that children are children, and that sometimes, they lack doubt, they lack ability to communicate their needs, or to impose their limits, or sometimes, they admire them so much, for example, they admire you so much, or they admire their big brother so much, that there, what color of popsicle do you want, I remember my brother, when my mother asked me to make choices, my brother always said, like Melanie, like Melanie, you know, it's cute, but that's it, it doesn't mean that it's because the child, there is not a beautiful symbol that is not able to affirm it, you have to take it, you have to try to do the part of things too, and to really try to decode, you know, there, if you just, because he's in front of, that's it, he's admirable, or it's because there is an esteem, and he's not able to make choices, and he's not able to say, and it's not because there's so much fear of making a mistake, but then, we go to the other side, maybe it will guide you more, in the fate of a self-fragile esteem, it could be a child who is so afraid of choices, who is not even going to undertake a new activity, who will not want to try to snuggle without floaters, who will not try, who will not want to make big crises, not to make bikes without small holes, for example, because there is so much fear of making a mistake, or whatever, who is new, it will be very, very, very efficient to do this activity there, by fear of making a mistake, and who therefore will also avoid all the risks, it's a child, it's children who will sometimes have to compare with others, without necessarily saying it, but inside, they will be able to see, you know, and they will say to the commenters like, "Oh, my God, I'm not writing well," and all that, so they will compare to others like that. There are things that have difficulty accepting mistakes, I will give you more concrete examples later, but that mistakes are very, very, very confrontational, so they will go into behavior of rigidity or of like, "No, I didn't do that, you know, in the lie, I don't know, because it's too confrontational." Yes, they will be very reactive or react in a fight mode, active, solid, when we put them a little, when we make them see a little their mistakes, especially the way it's brought up. It's children who will have a lot of difficulty going into vulnerability, so everything that is, precisely, to admit these mistakes, to apologize, to express these emotions, it's not necessarily children who will tend to go to the adult, for example, there is a conflict, there is a problem, there is something, well, depending on that, it's who the adults are, but at the same time on a school course, it can be that it is a child who dares not to go to the adult, to go to the park, to get caught up, or to lose a little face, or not to flirt with the adult, so depending on the children, it can be that. It can be a child who has a lot of difficulty expressing his limits, to share his ideas, to make choices, and otherwise, the defects can really be lived as catastrophes. So, there are several ways to react. Some things can really seem to you, to react in a very choleric way. It can really seem to us to measure the reaction. So, I find a cotton paper on my board, and I ask my daughter, "Oops, who's eating a cotton?" Well, sooner or later, she will be so afraid to get caught up while I don't get caught up. So, when she's so afraid, it's more to admit that it's wrong, because I don't get caught up. So, the fear is not so much to get caught up, it's really more to admit that I made a mistake, to be vulnerable, and accept to say that I am not perfect, even if no one is perfect, and I hear this message every day, I prefer to say, "No, it's not me, I don't know." So, I ask my daughter, "Who did that, you did that, why did you do that?" It's really not a good idea, because it's sure that we fall directly into the confrontation, and in the closure, in fact, it will be completely closed, and then, well, it will be completely disconnected from me, and there is nothing I could do from that moment on. And as I said earlier, the difference will be the difference between the smaller and the bigger ones. It really is in the way they will express themselves. So, let's put a very small one, which has a self-esteem, could express it, depending on the context, by emotional disorders, by opposition, being forced to the slightest failure. For example, if your child is not able to put his boots on, well, he will cry, you know, or he will scratch it at the end of his arms. He will really express himself more by gestures. He could have a fear of trying something new, so he will say, "I can't." If you ask him to apologize, he could scream, and then just not want to apologize, it could really be a big deal, like, "Excuse me, it's not complicated, you made an accident, it was an accident, you didn't express it, but at least it was an apology." No! And the child will not want that too, it can apply to the bigger ones, but that's it. And he will be vexed, like, "Hey, I didn't express it, I gave it back to him, but it was a mistake. It's not serious, you made a mistake." But no, the child who has a little more of a self-esteem, it's too confrontational, so he could bow down, cry, oppose. A child who has a weaker self-esteem, younger, younger, could stay much in mom's or dad's legs, and he won't want to go by himself, you know, to see friends, try new activities, even at the park, you know, it's like, he won't want to go, he won't be curious, he won't want to go and discover the world, he won't go anymore, it's in the way of, he has dangers everywhere, and I see you in danger, and I feel safe and comfortable with my mom. So, and if I never had to be wrong, if I had to lose myself, if there's anxiety in there too, naturally, it's often linked to hyper-sensitivity and anxiety, and it makes me feel that, it's a beautiful big melting pot that goes together, it's often problems that I feel all together, but it's true, in fact, these children, they're afraid to try new things, because if never, I don't know, it would be too difficult, okay, it would be too difficult for a fragile self-esteem. You know, let's say a younger girl who's going to a friend's party, two, three, four years, and I don't know what makeup she's going to do, well, I'm going to do like the others, I'm going to do like the friend just before. In a class, sometimes, we're going to observe that, there's money too, but let's say in maternity leave, we have a table tour to know what you're doing at the end of the week, you know what you're not going to prefer, well, sometimes they're going to say the same answer that the other friend just before, well, even if he had time to think about it, and that in the end, if he was, for example, at home, well, he probably would have replied to Chinese parties, or spaghetti, or poutine, because he's more able to sign up and feel more secure, whereas in different contexts, it's a little bit more fragile, so yes, money there, anxiety, but also possibly a film certificate, because a strong certificate would not have less difficulty signing up, and then saying, it's Chinese party. In short, it could be a child who is not able to say to his friend when he's in his bubble, so he really lets himself walk his feet, let go of the joys, he's going to discreetly tell his parents, but he's not necessarily going to react hard. We're a little more in the people pleaser, and if some children don't like to have too much attention, you know, we could compare that to two extremes, that's children, small children who could also enter the earth, they would, which are more of a reserved type, which can go for gender or for ethnicity, but in the end, we are more in the self-esteem, or on the other hand, we can see it's really a child who is a reactive explosive friend who, some behaviors are, I would say, disguised, but masks a self-esteem that is just too confronting to go in these emotions. As I said, it's not that bad, I repeat, but to be honest, it's important not to put everything in the same basket either. My child can very well garrosh his butt, because she didn't sleep well, she made a mistake, she was tired, she was impatient, and that's why she garroshes her butt, it's not everything is not attributable to the self-esteem either, you have to take it and let it go, it can be, as I said, a child who is a little bit more choleric, it can have a very beautiful self-esteem too, indeed, you really have to evaluate that as a parent, it could be a child who is shy or anxious too. I also invite you, by the way, because it's been several times that I norm, it could be a child who is sensitive, it could be a child anxious, he could hide self-esteem from you, but what I invite you the most to do in your detective role, it would probably be to observe your child, try to see the causality links, you know, when your child explodes or when your child reacts to the opposite by a refurbishment on himself, but otherwise I invite you to go on the pages of my programs, the program "Bonnezaie" for children who are hyper sensitive and reactive, or the one on anxiety, because on these two pages there are questions of observation that you can download, and after that it could really help you to put things back in perspective, to answer your questions and to have a little more clarity, it could be a good starting point to see how, okay, can you get a little bit of anxiety, can you get a little bit of hypersensitivity, can all of this also be linked to self-esteem, it could be easier for you to do a cleaning and see more clearly. So you will find all of this on wikid.ca in the section "information", you will see "Bonnezaie" and "Privoiser l'anxieté", go down a little bit on the page, the questionnaires are there, there is a button, you download it, you print it, you upload it, it will align you, maybe a little bit more. A bigger child who will express an image of himself more, he will express it maybe in a different way. Again, let's go, it's maybe a little more clear because the younger child will be more in physical manifestations, or the tears, the screams, all that, but a bigger child will be able to, for example, if a bigger child is shy, he could really have an attitude of "no way, I don't give a damn" all night long, the "susceptibility" would be the best word, the children who are no longer under the skin, who can hardly make a joke, who can hardly speak or speak of mistakes with them, the self-esteem, "ah, it's often really difficult, we risk, you know, we're a little more on a mini-tent, in everything that addresses that, or you know, we can get there, but it's our job, it's really in a good mindset, and it also counts for the adults, the adults in the past, it's sure that someone who is a little more "susceptible", you know, you have to question why he's "susceptible", it's because it's difficult for him, it's too confronting to go, to see that there are flaws, to see that there are flaws, to see that it's not perfect, so that can be a little thing. If we try, for example, to take back something that didn't do it right, not to be mean, just to, like, we want to help him, we want our auntie to have to make such an effort, or you know, "ah, I saw you did that, you could have done that instead", well, our child could, once again, break up, he could be lying, why have you been thrown your crayons in the trash instead of cleaning them, you know, it didn't try to clean them, no, I didn't do that, so you know, he could really go in, lie, in fact, the truth, even if we saw it, and he could even be particularly tenacious, because once again, it's too difficult to accept, to see, to write down the imperfections, to write down the flaws, to write down the errors, it's too bad, it's too fragile, I'm going to give you a precise example, my daughter, it's been years since I said to my children to eat the closed mouth, but you know, that's it, everything is difficult, to take all these things back with my oldest, if we know better, it's difficult, and if I tell her to eat the closed mouth, she can get angry and say, "well, I've already eaten the closed mouth," so that's it, there's like a little bit of time to learn with tweezers, so now we've determined that I'm just doing a little sign, like that, it's much less confronting, I put my finger on my mouth and then I understand, "oh yes, it's true, it's much less confronting," so we've come to find little things to share, you know, it could be bringing things from the house to school, even if you don't have the right to, you know, I'm going to bring cool things to impress my friends, like that, it's going to value me, to want to be the same as the others, avoid at all costs to be different, to be really low profile, so we'd rather do like the others, than make our own choices, than to have our own style, but you know, identity is also in development, maybe it's going to come later, we don't have to be too careful with that, and I remind you, children are all different, I'm trying to figure out, but your job is to do the trick in there, there are children that won't want to stop, that won't want to get out of the mask, that will really want to be a mockery, and there are others that are going to try to control everything, whether it's games, rules, or even the children, their friends, or the adults around them, and that's not just a trait of character, it can also reveal a real suffering, so it can really come from a lack of confidence or self-esteem, so the child seems a little more impulsive, he feels frustrated, so he tries to manage everything, to secure himself, it's really to do good, it can also come from an attachment problem, some children have an attachment style, a little more control, a need for control, so it can be an attachment problem, or it can come from anxiety, from insecurity, so the child will try to control everything in his environment to calm his fears, his concerns, and what makes me want to talk about children who want to control everything, because I think that, in itself, it can be a subject of podcasts, I'm sure, I'm sure there are many children who have a lack of self-esteem, who have a need for control, who have parents, me, it is my child who tries to control everything, and a woman, I know everything, because she would have to worry about everything, worry about everything, she does not know the information, you see, it can be another thing, but otherwise it's just children are like that, they will not get angry either, but with my child, there are highs and lows, and you know, I'm a retired mother, I'm doing a podcast on self-esteem, and to tell you at the same time that I have one of my children who has a self-esteem that is a little more firm, it's part of his temperament, but I'm not perfect either, there are plenty of things that I do daily, mistakes, I'm also a little impulsive, I'm also too lazy, I don't always offer the right model, in fact, you know, we are not perfect, no one is perfect, that's why offering the model the most possible, it will be important, it will also be important to apologize, and to persevere, to be constant, and to be soft towards yourself, you are not entirely responsible for the self-esteem of your children either, they will go to school, they will go to the nursery, they will meet other friends, sometimes it's rough on the schools, it's rough in your friends, sometimes it's rough too in the classroom, teachers will not necessarily have the same models, the intervention that we parents, so you know, they will meet, well, well, well, in the world, so we are not the only ones responsible for it either, in the sense that if your child has a low self-esteem, put yourself in the head that it's just because of you, and that you failed, and that your child has dropped you, it's not that either, and you know, it's wrong to live these experiences, but I'm going to give you things, clues too, to try to improve that, to try to help them out. Oh my god, I'm talking too much, but it's a nice problem, it means that I have a lot of things to bring you, a lot of information to give you, what I'm going to do, since I think it's going to work out well in two at the moment, I did a first part where I talked a lot about the things that can be observed in our children who can sometimes be confused, or go for the opposite, or a strong character, while in the end it hides under their big coat, pins, it hides a little heart that wants to be more liked and valued, so I'm going to try to do it in two parts, I think that's how it's going to be, it's going to be more fluid to be able to cut on the content, it would be a shame, since I'm on a good level, I think, so what I'm going to do is that I'm going to continue to record, but I'm going to present the second part next week with solutions, how, a lot of ideas, a lot of strategies on how we can help our children boost their mood, I remember it's by phase, but I think it could be a second episode that will be very helpful. See you next week!