Dylan and Brendan Embark on a Wild Adventure

I think that if you are a therapist, if you're a certified therapist, then every few years, like Child Protective Services, an agent has to come to your place and check if your home life is okay. Because if it's not, you get your license taken away. What the hell are you talking about? I think that's the thing, because if you're unqualified to talk to people and guide their lives because your own life is a fucking mess, then like. You think you'd pass that? No. No, I just think that that's a thing. Sure, everybody has their own things, right? And everyone has issues and problems, but what if the therapist is a psychopath? Wait, but Garrett's a therapist. Is he a psychopath? Yeah. See, that's what I mean. He's a weird guy. Brendan's really good at bullying me after I say something, so as long as we have stimulus going throughout this. I was already dying that you came up with a topic for the podcast without telling me. No, I talked about, I think it's a valid thing, and you didn't even react to it. Introduce each other first. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, that's just to get us in the mood, you know? And now we're light. Don't you think it's a fact? Is that a fair thing to say, though? Totally, without a doubt. You don't. You're lying through your fucking teeth right now, I can tell. I've never been to a therapist. I've never been a therapist. We know, we know. I mean, do you know? I just lie the whole time. It was like at Barber's. That's not allowed either, right? At Barber's? Well, at Barber's you're allowed to lie, but at a therapist. I had to Google how to play rugby, because I told him, because I was like. Real tough guy. Yeah, because I came back from living in London, and then I hit a barber, and the guy's like, oh, are you good at soccer? I'm like, no. And the guy's like, oh, well, I watch a lot of rugby. And I was like, oh, I played tons of rugby. You just lied? On his good side. I lied to every barber I've ever had. Yeah. Why are you so nervous in a barber's chair? Just don't talk. I hate it, dude. That's why. Look at this. This is why I haven't got a haircut in a month. You do get the same haircut by the same old lady for like 20 years, right? Yep. Next to. What is it called? The Beverly Hills Ralphs. It's just a block away. I drive 40 minutes there for the lady now. Why? She doesn't speak English. I can't talk. It's perfect. If she ever did, I'd leave. You've done it for 20 years and you've never. No, no. 10 years. 10 years. 10? It's still so crazy to not talk to a barber. I don't like showing pictures of my niece. I was like, oh, because I got it right before she was born. I go, oh, my niece is about to get born. So we have a nice rapport now. By the way, I also just don't think you get born. That's not like a thing for. I don't think that's how it. That's how it happens. Well, how did our friendship get born? Our friendship got. I'm sure the audience is dying to know. How did our friendship get born? Well, so I'm still really good friends with your sister. Violet. I have three. And when we were in college, we were all running together. Violet, her. You and Violet were friends first. Her friend group, my friend group. Violet told me, she was like, oh, I'm friends with Dylan Sprouse. Like, I was supposed to. Oh, like, she said she was friends with Tom Cruise. I was like, oh. Which is about the same, dude. About the same. She's like, oh, is it okay if I bring him over to the party? You know? And you were like, um, no. And I was like, fine, no, I always would invite more guys. I was always in college. Yeah, you love hanging with guys. I do. That's your big thing. I grew up with sisters, so in college, my big thing was just as many guys could fit in my room as possible. My living room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As many guys could fit in your room as possible. Walked right into that one. No, so she. But we had been friends for about, like, a year at this point. And I remember her specifically saying to me, I know that when I introduce you to my brother, I'm going to be nervous. And I said, why? And she goes, because I'm pretty sure you'll never hang out with me again. And I said, Violet, that's impossible. Violet, this is the craziest thing you've ever said. I love you. You're one of my best friends. There's no way I'm not going to hang out with you anymore. She's not on the podcast. Bro, it was a fucking light switch. Like, it immediately went like. No, no, I mean, we still see Violet enough, but yes, you were. I would also lobby that, like, most people have room for one redhead friend at a time. Totally. Especially, yeah. It's too much otherwise. One of my siblings, yeah. It's scary otherwise. Like, too many hanging about. I have a good amount of friends. You have a good amount of redhead friends? Well, no, I actually have, like, I would probably say off the top of my head, I have, like, eight redhead friends. Most of them are your family. I don't count, you know? You don't count, yeah. You're a brother. You don't count, but. No, I don't count my friends based on their hair color. Oh, well, you have to. That's kind of mean. You have to, because if you hang out with a lot of them at the same point, people are like, there's a convention here. There's a redhead convention. Yeah, there's an actual convention, and people get scared. I think it's like, you know, twins are the same way. If you're hanging out with a lot of twins in one place, people are like, that's. Not fun, that's creepy. I don't think I know any other twins. I'm trying to think. I know there's Angus, this other guy. Oh, yeah, Jack's friends? Mm-hmm. But one has a beard, so it doesn't count. No, it doesn't count. They look too different. No. And at some point, twins either do the thing where they're like, we're the shining twins, and we're going to dress the same and do the same thing all the time, and we're going to be scary. Or they go like, we have to differentiate each other as hard as possible. I'm trying to think of you and Cole, because you guys are very similar. We're similar, but, yeah, I guess maybe we're. I've never misidentified you two. No, well. Cole's grumpy. Cole's a grump, yeah. He's a little neurotic. Yeah. But he's a very quick wit. Mm-hmm. So I think in that way, you guys can get along. He has one leg up on you there. Yeah, yeah, right. But I get along with people. Mm-hmm. So that's like one leg up. But so when I asked my sister to get an extra person for this competition I was a part of. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She brought you. Yeah, what was the competition again? It's called the Great American Challenge, and it was. You have six hours, I think, with, like, 14 people to complete four extra-large pizzas, two 1,000-piece puzzles, 150 beers, and, like, a bag of marijuana. You don't have to whisper it. That's what Mom might watch. Your mom will watch that. Marijuana. No, no, and you have to finish it in six. The devil's lettuce, Monica. You have to finish it in six hours. Well, no, but she'll be glad to know I was just put on puzzles and beer, which was good. Yeah. And then. I remember you smoking. Smoking weed? I could never. If I smoked weed, I would have jumped off the balcony. Really? I think your first instinct is to kill yourself. We wouldn't have been friends. That's true. I would have been too nervous to talk to you. I'm also not, like, an in-public weed guy either. No. Do you know the conspiracy? What? You know the conspiracy that around the time in L.A. You guys can look this up, too. At the time, I think I was about 19 when this was happening, 20. It was when they were starting to legalize dispensaries inside of California. Mm-hmm. There was, like, a big online. Because everyone gets to a point where they're like, weed scares me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where they're like, I smoked too much, and now I'm terrified all the time in public. Well, apparently there was a conspiracy that the government, like, laced weed that was out in the open and, like, you know, obviously placed it around the dispensaries that were still not government-verified, but they, like, laced it, and so that now it chemically altered your brain so that whoever smoked that weed at that particular time doesn't feel like they want it anymore, so it emphasizes people going to legal. I will make you smoke a pound of illegal weed right now, and you'll fucking lose it. What are you talking about? No. I don't think it's the laced weed. I know, but back in. I used to be able to smoke, like, all the time. I used to be able to just crush it, like, wake and bake, fine all day. Then there was a point. It's insane. I know. I know. But some people can do it. Like, Alex Rakowski, my roommate in college, he can still just crush it, but he also wasn't in California during that time. Oh, I see. So that one. What was it? What was it? What's the end goal there? To stop tax money? It's to make people afraid. Wouldn't they want more people to buy weed? But it's to make people afraid of smoking weed outside of their own establishment so they can get tax money from it. So if you smoke from a dispensary, you feel fine? Yeah, exactly. I haven't tried it since because I got too scared. I don't believe this at all. That's. I think you just had a panic attack. I'm not saying that it's true or not. I'm just saying that this is a thing that exists. It's a thing online. I looked it up once while I was high and scared, and I was like, why is it so scary? You know? And I looked it up, and apparently that's a thing. My Google search history was like, how long will this last? Will eating more bread get me less high? Why is it coming in waves? Like, I took an edible, like, a year ago. I took four baths, and I went up to my. It was like my fiancee was downstairs. I was like, if you're worried about me, I'm okay. I'm just going to go upstairs and take another bath. She's like, I'm not worried about you. You had two and a half milligrams of an edible. That is nothing. It's like classified as a microdose. And I was like. Just go upstairs, fill up the bathtub, get in it for like 10 minutes, and I'd be like, no, this is too weird. I feel naked. I am naked. Get out. Yeah, do you normally bathe with a bathing suit on? Get dressed, go back downstairs. And be like. Hey, I'm okay. I'm okay. Don't worry. Just took a bath. I think I'm going to be better soon. Then I go, oh, shit. I don't feel good. Go upstairs, take another bath. It was like. It lasted like three and a half hours, and it just. There's no cure to it, which is awful. There's no cure to it. No, you just actually have to just get through it. Have you had a bad mushroom trip? No. It's the worst. That's actually. This is a drug podcast. I know. But that's actually 10 times worse. Although I will lobby that a strong reaction to marijuana feels like a psychedelic, right? It was waves of not knowing a thing and then being self-actual. It was like if flowers for Al Janan was every five seconds. It was like, whoa. Whoa. I didn't like that one bit. So I'll stick to the beer, which is why we have a nice keg back here. A lot of your family. That I have known personally, not to be named. But some of them are really into it, and other ones aren't into it. I think people at some point or another, they choose their substance, hopefully not hard drugs. But it's usually the beer or the weed thing, and they go in one or two directions. Well, the day we met at the contest, we both chose beer, pizza, and do you remember what the puzzle was? This is a very good question. Oh, no. I think I had too much beer to remember what the puzzle was. I think it was still. Was it a landscape? No, it was a dragon. And it was like with a sexy princess lady on it. And you come over and you're like, I'm really into fantasy and I find this puzzle really cool. I was like, this guy fucking sucks. But I was like, but deep down, you know, I put on the airs because I thought the puzzle was really cool. But I didn't want to tell anyone and be embarrassed. So then we did the dragon puzzle with the lady on it. And we finished the challenge. We ate, I think I had, I'm not a big, you know, we had three slices of pizza, 14, 17 beers each. Who did the weed part? It was, I think like Norris. Norris, for sure. Like those guys. Those guys who feel like weed guys, low energy. Yeah, they feel like weed guys. Also, weed guys, going to put it out there, also IPA guys. Yeah, exactly. Because drinking an IPA is drinking weed. Right? It smells like it. It's drinking weed. When you smell it, it smells like marijuana, like something too hoppy. Is marijuana? And hops related? Like biologically, is it related? Biologically. Yeah, they're both born from the same guy. They both got born? You were working at Mud Coffee at the time. They are directly related. Are they? Yes, marijuana and beer hops are closely related botanically. Often described as cousins. Wow. Within the Canabica family. Do you have any cousins? I have a cousin, very funny. Didn't meet him until I was 19 years old because my dad's terrible with this. Is this your dad's brother's kid? My dad's sister's kid. Okay. I'm going up to, I'm going up to. Tell me the story of when you met him was with me, I think. Were you in Boston? Yeah. No, no, no. That was after I had already met her. But Cole and I grew up and we're always like, God, I wish we had like some cousins or family to hang out with. We come from a very small family, but I'm going up to Boston for, it was Penny Arcade Expo East. Gotcha. Okay. And I was in college at this time, so it was probably junior year. I'm going up there. And I call my dad. I'm on a Greyhound bus with some of my buddies as we're going up. And he goes, "Oh, well you're up there. You should meet me." Are your bathrooms on Greyhound buses? I hope not. Cause that would just be a way worse experience. I could not get on a bus that was more than 15 minutes without knowing. Like that would drive me crazy. Just go before. Like how long? Three hours though, man. I don't know. That's all I think about. All right. Regardless, I'm on the bus. You can worry about poo poo pee pee later, dude. I'm on the bus. I always think about that on Greyhound. You're just an anxious guy. All right. So I'm on the bus and I call up my dad and he goes, "Oh, well you're up in Boston. You should meet your cousin." Yeah. And you had no idea? What the fuck are you talking about? I never thought I had a cousin. Okay. And he goes, "Yeah. Well, son, he's your age." I was like, "What? He's our age?" So it's not even like a new cousin. He's the exact same age as my brother and I. Is he twin? And he goes, "Son, he's named after me." It's Matt? My cousin Matthew is exactly the same age as my brother and I, named after my father and the first time he was mentioned to me was when I was 20 years old. Did you have an inkling? Didn't even know, dude. It's wild. So I go up and meet him and the first thing I notice is that he's like six foot three, but a spitting identity of my father. It literally looks like my dad. So like an inch shorter than me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure, dude. Sure, dude. On his tippy toes. Yeah. Yeah. But just looks like a taller version of my dad. I mean, Matt's a good looking guy, too. So that's not bad. And I was like, "What the hell?" What did he do? Was he a Marine? He was an engineer. Wow. Smart guy, too. Yeah. Smart guy. Not from your side. Yeah. Definitely not from my side. The Sullivan side? Sure, dude. Yeah. But I was like. And now we're great friends. We talk all the time. 6'3" cousin. He also collects Pokemon cards, so we're really into that together. Sweet, dude. Yeah, I know. So he's got the cool genes, too. So I knew there was a little Sprouse in him still. Yeah. He's got some of that in there. I think I met him in Vasa, right? The time after my 30th birthday. Yeah. He was at the Red Sox game. We went to the Red Sox game. Yeah. That was the luckiest first game ever. Grand Slam in the eighth. Walk-off Grand Slam. Walk-off Grand Slam, and then they bring her the ball. Which is crazy. Yes. And she was like, "Oh, man. Baseball is so fun." She's actually the luckiest when it comes to sports, because then she just gambled on the fucking. On Freddie Friedman. Dodgers game. Yeah. Freddie Friedman did a home run in the eighth or ninth. In the ninth. Yeah. Bottom of the ninth, last up in the batting order. She should have got better odds on that, too. That's crazy. I know. She put down 200, walked away with four. It shows. It should have been plus 700, plus 800. I'm sure she went up to. If she put 200 down, I'd say, "Yeah, 925 or something." That's because you put numbers that aren't 00. You sound like you know gambling better. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Maybe around 925 bucks. 925? Yeah. 925. A little 925. And then, Barbara, then we were sitting down at your place, what? Three weeks ago. We got the Pokemon packs. She opened a Mewtwo or something? Her first pack? No. She got a Bubble Mew, which is inside of this one pack is like a. Yeah. She had a graded PSA 10, is easily $4,000 or $5,000. It's insane. No, she's an extremely lucky human being. Until her love life. Until her love life. Until she met me. She had to marry you. And I'm like, "Please give me some love." That's why she's lucky so much. Yeah. You're also a lucky guy, though, too. You guys have that in common. You're a lucky guy. She's a lucky girl. But I don't think you can be. I was really good at small raffles. That's like my best skill in life. Like bingo? You're a bingo guy? Bingo. Grocery stores used to put my face up. School, I guess the Tic Tacs in this bottle. Yeah. I could. Anything with a low number of people, low prize, but high social reward is just me. What you're explaining is like entry-level autism. You're actually just entry-level, I think. No, no. It's not that I was good at choosing the Tic Tac. Maybe. Yeah. I thought I was just like lucky guy. Bro, if you can look inside a jelly bean bowl and be like, "That's how many jelly beans?" No, no. That's a brain thing that's working in your favor. Just go buy rose. It's no big deal. Go buy rose. There's no rose in jelly beans. You can't take it out and then go buy like 15 rows. You say like there's probably 40 in there. 40 times. See, you're proving my point. I don't. I don't. This is crazy. I would never even think to go, "There's jelly bean rows." Yeah, yeah. There's rows. The rows of jelly beans is insane. You know what everyone's problem with me on the show is? What? I wear the same five shirts constantly. You do? I do. There's logos all over them. They don't look professional. They don't even really fit you that well. Nothing really does until I got quints. You ordered that recently, didn't you? I just got a full cashmere polo and it looks sick as hell. After I saw you wear the previous stuff that you bought, not this new one, which I'm excited to see, but after I saw that, I actually ordered some more fitted tees because- So I don't get the fitted? Well, no. I fluctuate a lot in weight, so I can't wear fitted sometimes in my life. But other times, I want to be ripped as heck, dude. Yeah. I'm a big, strong guy and I need a shirt that shows that. He is. Occasionally. Yeah. Yeah, occasionally. It's rare. You know what shows it well? The 100% European linen clutching your biceps. Oh, dude. I love it. It looks great. Just absolutely pumping my shit up. Well, that's every time I go to bed, I think about you and your tight shirts. And I think about you on your quints linen pillows. Which I had to get because my fiance requested them for her birthday and I bought a whole set of quints pillows, quints linens for my bed, and I go into bed every night, it's like I'm at the Ritz call. Dude, I know. I've been there. I've been in there. It's a new sheets. I understand. You like the sheets? I love the sheets at your place. I think. He was watching the house. Yeah. I was watching the house for sure. Wink. Yeah, we were watching. Thank you, quints. Upgrade your summer essentials with quality that lasts. Head to quints.com/wildmen for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. It's every day of the year, 366, I believe, years. Now available in Canada, too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com/wildmen for free shipping and $366. 365 day returns. Wait, by the time this podcast is released, you will not be married yet. I will not be married yet. No, I will not be married yet. No, I am August. What's the thing that you had to prepare for last? Last? Yeah, what's the thing? Was it napkins? Was it flower arrangements? Are you doing any of that shit? No, I mean the last is definitely, the thing I'm most scared about is the vows. Yeah, the vows are- Terrifying. Just to talk in front of people. I spoke mine in Hungarian. Which actually might be easier. Yeah. Yeah. I might speak mine in like Klingon. Pretend I'm a nerd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no. No, just because I'm embarrassed. No. I was deciding whether or not to do the, well, first of all, there was the Altoid problem, which is like, I was like, I'm not supposed to have Altoids at the altar. Why? Because when I get, well, I mean, when I get anxious, I tend to start popping Altoids. Yeah, you do. You eat a lot of Altoids. This is what I was joking about earlier, by the way, he carries a tin on him, which by the way, you got to tell the story of spilling these. Oh my God. Yeah. I carry, well, I got cinnamon today. I like to switch it up depending on how nervous I am. But they're not just filled with Altoids. Well, these might be actually. No, these are a nice mix. Those are normal Altoids with cinnamon. But I like to put orange Tic Tacs in there. White Tic Tacs. Ginger Chews. Mix. Oh, Ginger Chews. Yeah. Mix them all up. So I go on the first date with my fiance. Now fiance. She wasn't then. It wasn't arranged. But I get there and I'm like, oh, I'm really nervous. I'll bring my Tic Tacs just as like, as like my safety blanket, essentially. Yeah. If I get too nervous, I just take a Tic Tac, shoom, cheers to strong. Bring me back. Dude, we're going to get a Tic Tac sponsorship so hard. Or Altoid. Altoid Tic Tac. Yeah. We're eating at a nice Italian place with marble floors and I was like, I was really nervous already, obviously, because I'm on a date, I've been on like four dates in my entire life. Yeah. We know. Yeah. So I'm like talking to her. I'm like, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I reach over. And out of my pocket, my Tic Tac tin hits the ground, marble, white marble floor opens up. Altoids, orange Tic Tacs, white Tic Tacs, ginger chews all over, just a mish mash of of various mints and it looks like i like spilled a bag of like ecstasy and draw like the guy next to us goes oh could i get one of those like nice joke jackass and then i'm like i'm like i was picking them up like this and i was like oh my god because i couldn't bend over i was wearing a bun down that is my absolute that's my favorite because it's such an indicator of who you are i do think though that like okay if i was a chick on a first date with a guy and i saw that happen yeah that's kind of a litmus test for how cool brit is because she goes that's actually really funny and rad we can get past this yeah like that's actually i think that's kind of a cool litmus test because if a girl was like that was really weird okay you know you don't want to hang out but at the same time it was it's really weird it's like it's like empirically weird but it's also funny it's funny but it's no i promise it's no i was talking about him then like i was texting i think for a solid two weeks i texted about them you i mean you told me immediately yeah hey i called you on the way home i was like i spilled them all over the ground but i spilled my health they went everywhere there were under people's tables i was like that's the best i also didn't eat for the first like six weeks on dates i guess i couldn't eat you're not a nervous eater no i can't eat anything i'm the opposite i'm a nervous eater you can chow down i was thinking about before this podcast because i was like i can't eat anything like if we filmed it too no way i had a trick in college when i was a single man that i would our first date i would always bring the girl to a barbecue place and order ribs that's yeah that's you see what i mean i well you're because if she could get down with some ribs she's fun see dylan this is the difference for us i you're like making them prove themselves i'm like i'm like trying to prove my i'm like i'm the best guy in the world i wasn't even a prove yourself thing i was just like okay because if you're like a salad i know we're not going to get along like food is like so central to yeah so essential to who i am which is good that barbara uh killed a pig on her property in hungary and then cooked it up for us i was i mean the horniest i've ever been in my life frankly i was like this is insane no the uh the other thing is is that when we were on our first date barbara and i were on our first oh yeah i was well before this you were in china i was in china so this is where we were really on our first day eight months i was yeah i was out there i was just you know i was obviously just struggling to survive in china in any way possible which they did not make it hard i will say i had the best time in beijing i really did um but one of the funny things was is that like i managed to find for our date a mexican food place in beijing which made me feel very comfortable because i was like dying i mean yeah you you needed something different being from los angeles i was like you can't go three weeks without having some form of mexican food so i was one of the ones i missed the most yeah it is just because even in new york it's hard to get off yeah and they're like i'm no festo you know that's based on a berkeley san francisco spot but um you missed the avocado you missed the pico you missed the freshness the lime the avocado is the big hit like the guacamole in california is obviously it's so much better than anywhere else in the u.s um but so we're out there and how's the guacamole in china dude i gotta tell you that well so china's produce game is insane oh yeah they have just i mean entire swaths of land out there devoted so it's like a green they have farms entire swaths of land devoted to food you mean a farm yeah it's a farm oxen but they just they grow everything out there right so so we go to this uh mexican food place and we're out there and she just rips my burrito out of my hand and eats like half of it in one bite as a what does she order she ate like tacos and she wasn't into them she was like give me that and ate it and i was like oh my god i love it the food's that big for you it's really big i think you got to be a good eater dude like i i don't like you gotta have it's that's the respect for food respect for the chef that's like it's everything you got to eat the food that you're given i mean i mean we with babs whenever we have dinner with her we're constantly going out to the crab boil yeah that's her it's her bread and butter crab boils cracking those legs you developed an allergy to crab though like a little while ago didn't you no it's made up my dad's really allergic to shellfish and sometimes when i eat it i get red and blotchy everywhere you don't want to hang that's what it was because i invited we crab boils used to be like our thing like we're shrimp guys what and one at one point you were like i developed an allergy oh but i'll still eat it yeah i don't like to talk about it because i don't want people to know but when i eat like dirty crab it happens on like certain like uh bohemian lobsters bohemian bahamian bahamas bahamas lobsters get me for some reason yeah spiny lobsters spiny yeah that makes sense gets me all red all down my neck and i look but then there's you know you just get more it's also the sun for me too so it's like maybe it's just if i'm eating shellfish in a hot location and having a couple beers i'm gonna turn right i think it's like it could be any of those three i think it's a safe thing to say that you were just not built for the tropics like that's not you dude i love the tunes i love the sand that's not but it's just clear water yeah it's not for you bro i know what's the spf you throw on a hundred i just get one burn and then just live out the summer so you cook yourself yeah that's what i used to do but now i'm trying to be a little better boy yeah and um i don't know i don't go outside that much so no if i do yeah when was the last time we had a bit i mean my last vacation was japan it was very cold yeah we we did we go to iceland iceland was the last one we hung out at yeah for the bachelor i was thinking but it was sunny then 24 hours a day there i think we should do a mexico trip that'd be fucking awesome but the iceland trip was um we went for dinner and we went to the bachelor party and it was 24 hours of sun every day yeah for nine days straight nine days straight it was insane and we took a bus all around the island cole was like he was like the tour guide cole arranged my bachelor party and decided that the entire bachelor party that we were going to do had stopped at no bars okay and was 24 hours on a bus through the entirety of iceland which i love iceland right so it's one of the most gorgeous countries good land yeah but after like four days of being on the first day we got on the bus and i go hey cole where where are we going he goes oh actually whenever we're on the bus it's a secret uh no etas nothing i and you know me i already asked about the greyhound i don't like this you're like i'm so and we're driving up iceland and one of them our first day took four and a half hours to get somewhere yeah and i was like that's the longest drive i've ever done with people in my entire life yeah and he's i remember distinctly at one point one of the days on the trip we had our last stop before even getting driving an hour and a half home our last stop in iceland was at 1 a.m at a waterfall it was sunny and it was fully sunny yeah that was the weirdest thing so you could tour all day it was like cole's dream and then he just he just kept moving us around the island he's like i remember at one point we had to go to a bar i was like oh it's not sunny out we can't look at more waterfalls yeah yeah yeah but now he's like no we can go see every we've saw so many waterfalls we saw 300 i'm pretty good on waterfalls there's no i by the way like waterfalls are sick they are okay but i think like after your fourth waterfall you're kind of like well it's water falling sounded really nice but we were in five to six a day the water in iceland is in the plums uh smells like sulfur which was wild so every every shower we took is all the volcanic smell yeah so we were in 12 hours a day where beer was outlawed but some of the funniest moments oh it's great like the weird hot dogs oh i like the snap on the hot dog they love their hot dogs which i didn't know yeah but weird hot dogs good hot dogs mayo onions crispy onions yeah crispy red sauce that was like cocktail sauce close like sweet cocktail sauce rather than ketchup i think europeans tend to do the mayo and crispy onion thing because the hungarians do that too i like mayo on a dog i think it's really good i think it's really good i know some people are kind of like they they do the classic just mayo ketchup i actually yeah yeah that's the classic hot dog is mayo and ketchup oh no sorry ketchup and uh ketchup and mustard that's actually my classic i like i like mayo and ketchup i was gonna say like it's that's thousand islands essentially yeah mustard and ketchup is the classic like jack will not deviate from mustard and ketchup at all my mom doesn't do ketchup because chicago so jack's choice generally because he's he's lactose intolerant so jack i guess we should go into this in general jack is one of the wild men so we have how many members of the wild men now besides you and me this sounds like a tough guy club but it's like it was it was a group chat me you johnny jack first four in nyu yes and then uh tan man then it was tan man yeah is he next tan man was now bazzy tan man bozzy heart wall wall wall who i went to preschool with yeah he's and i the one i was most adamantly i didn't want to join because i see enough already and then i'm in his i'm in like my high school group chat with willie and he's in the wild men and the he notices how much i reuse my jokes on either one so it's always nice to have a division between and that you fuck that up by inviting willian actually have i been in charge of inviting most people into i think so well i mean we always have to be in charge of inviting most people into the club i think so you know approve yeah there's gonna be some hurt feelings after this yeah there is a there's a council there is a council of wild men but essentially it just started as like us in college yeah the same group that was just hanging out at bars anyway we're like and then the name wild man came about because we can't actually figure out where that actually came from but we think it's hurt locker he goes how many bombs you defuse i don't know sir how many bombs you defuse 236 goddamn wild wild man yeah and that's cool cool line someone's here to see you oh you're the guy in the flaming car sergeant james afternoon sir uh Yes, sir. Well, that's just hot shit. You're a wild man. You know that? He's a wild man. You know that? Why shake your hand? Thank you, sir. Yeah. How many bombs have you disarmed? 873. 873. 873. That's just hot shit. I spoke like a wild man. That's good. But then we also looked it up and wild men apparently were people who also fought bears at some point in America. And then World War I. That's cool. None of which we do. We do not defuse bombs, nor do we fight bears. You do fight home invaders. That's true. Which pissed me off to no end. Dylan. I knew immediately. How do I talk to the audience here? Dylan always acts tough and he thinks he's like a cool guy. And I always think he's, he's an actor. So you always take everything he says with like several, a bag of salt. And so when I get a call at 1.38, and he calls me and goes, I just pulled the gun on a home invader and have him on the ground outside. I go, what the hell? I know it made you, by the way, the two people who called me back the next day were you and Cole. Yes. And both of you went, I'm so mad about it. I'm so, I mean, it pissed me off. And I told everyone. I'm so mad. And I was in Long Island and people are like, oh, wasn't that your, isn't that one of your buddies or something? And I was like, that's so cool. And then the comments are like, these ladies are like, wow, this is what a real man looks like. I'm like, it's fucking Dylan. It's not a fucking. It's not a real man. He's just got lucky once. Okay. I don't think it's luck, dude. That's all I'm saying. I just want to say my stocks are up. That's like, let's get the official story out in the press right now. Okay. Okay. I'm going to say this. Cause I think it, it doesn't even say I never tackled the guy. Yeah. Which is also stocks are up moment because I go, if you don't have to tackle a guy, it's cool, but I never tackled the guy, but everybody thinks I did. I'm not correcting that. I'm not saying this to put the record straight right now. I want people to think that I did. Cause that's cool. But I mean, for the record, never tackled the guy. Okay. Never tackle him. But you're sitting there, your, your house has a fence, a nice backyard and then the house. Yeah. And there's lots of windows. So Bozzie was over earlier. Another one of the wild men. He was over at the house earlier. You guys were watching the Dodgers or something? We were, we, yeah, we were watching game. I think it was Lakers. We were watching Lakers and we were, Barbara and I were ripping Pokemon packs. Yeah. Barbara. Which means opening them. Yeah. So she just, thank you. I didn't know. Thank you. It's like, what are you ripping them? That's my calculator. Short for calculator. Um, so we're, so we're ripping packs. She pulls huge. And the reason I'm saying this is because now it's flash forward. It's 1230 at night. I'm lying. I'm lying on the couch playing video games. What are you playing? I'm playing funny enough. I'm playing like Pokemon legends. EA came with the switch. I'm like, all right, I'm going to give it a try. I like it. I don't hate it. Yeah. I'm lying down. I'm playing games for adults. Game for a tough guy. Okay. Okay, man. Sure. What's the wizard library? Okay. Continue. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I thought. Um, so, so I'm lying on the couch and I never locked my front door until I go to bed. That's kind of the, I really shouldn't be saying this, but I've started now. So nice try. Um, cause you always take piggy out. I always take piggy out. She's a very French bulldog. Yeah. She has to, you know, she's got the bladder of a squirrel. So she's got to go at one 30 last night and three 30 last night. Just a urinate all over the place. My, my dog's grandpa, my grandpa, my actual grandpa just said, grandpa woke me up to piss twice. Yeah. But no, I understand. And I have to unlock the door. Yeah. So I'm, so I'm lying on the couch and I don't hear him come in the gate, which was open because Bozzy left it open. Bozzy, that's your horse. So I don't hear him come in the gate, but all of a sudden I'm hearing a rattle on my front door. And the first thought that goes through my head is my dad who's been, who comes by anytime that he wants. Yeah. He pops up. I was like, he would never show up at 1230. He's in bed by eight. So that's weird. And the second thought went through my head is someone's trying to steal our Pokemon cards. Why? Because she had just pulled something really big. Did she post something? No. I, we had just had like a great pull night. You just thought someone knew? You think Bozzy came back in a ski mask? Dude, it was my, straight up. It was my first instinct. I was like, this guy's trying to take our Pokemon cards. I don't know. You have a pregnant wife upstairs, two dogs, and you're thinking about your Pokemon cards. Well, I thought that that's what someone would break in for, which is far and away, not the most valuable thing in the house. That's obviously the life of my wife. Right. Okay. But I was like, that was my first impulse because they were sitting on the table. Yeah. Your gaming rigs. Yeah. It's pretty expensive. That's a pretty expensive rig. Um, but I'm sitting there and so, and I, I calculated this. You're going to hate this. What? I calculated this because I looked at the front door cam from the moment he's trying to get from the door and turns away 20 seconds outside with a gun. Jesus. Upstairs. I got to review this footage. Grab the 1911 Kimber. Yeah. Downstairs. Out the door 20 seconds. 1911? Yeah. Jesus. God. It's one of my favorite guns. Yeah, it's so sick. I hate this. It's all steel. I wish you like. Things like five pounds. I'll discharge your own foot or something. Oh man. You're a mean guy. You're a mean guy. Well, I'm jealous. Yeah. So anyway, I'm out. And I remember, so the first thing I did is I was like, who's there? Yeah. And he goes, it's me. And I was like, the fuck? It's scary. Weird thing to say. Yeah, that's really strange. Really weird thing to say. Do you think at all it was like, it was someone you knew or no? Upstairs. So no, not at all. No one says it's me. Yeah, yeah, no. But I am. Yeah. Like Bozzy would be like, Boz. I was in Long Island too. So that's good. So it's not you. For sure not you. You never come over to my house uninvited because you're strange. So he, so I run upstairs and I look at Barbara and she's like, someone trying to break in. I'm like, yeah, like stay up here. Chill out. She goes, I'm going to get the police on the phone. Like she, you know, it was really cool. It's like. She locked in. Well, so we talk, we don't talk about this enough. Girls have like, I don't know, like the ick thing, right? Like they get the ick. I think it's kind of funny. Most people are like, yeah, the ick thing's a common thing. I think it's pretty safe to say that like a general guy ick is like when you got to lock in, if your girl's not kind of locked in with you. Oh, you need like a warrior. That's a big ick for a lot of guys. I think it's a big ick. Like if, for example, I've seen a lot of things, which is not great because it's also just a bad vibe. But if you're getting in a fight, right? If a fight is happening and your girl's keeping you or like pulling your arms and you were like getting beat up from the other guy because you're like, you know, you're getting like held back. Huge ick for guys. Dylan has one home invader now giving fighting advice. No, this is driving me mad. I just think it's safe. I think it's safe to say. You got into it with me. No, but it's an ick. With words. And by the way, like Barbara fucking killed it. All right. She did great. Like she was crow's nest out the window. Your cool wife did great and then you would have gone. Dude, it was sick. Crow's nest. Out the upper floor window. He's at your six. I was like, this is so sick. So I'm running out the door. Were you ready to kill? Well, so listen. I would have been. I think first thing that's important is you got to have trigger control, obviously. Yeah. Tough guy thing to say. Just pissing me off. His whole story does. Got to have trigger control. So I walk out and you know how I have that little balcony above my door? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't want to breach that because, you know, I could get ambushed. The guy could get there. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm standing by the side and I go, who's there again? And I can, I thought, I thought at first he was outside. Like he ran out my gate again, but I hear him from my garage area and he goes, nobody. It's like, it's like Odysseus. He's a cyclops. Yeah. You thought you were a cyclops. Am I polyphemus? Yeah, exactly. Perfect. So then I hear him say nobody. And I know he's over there. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm so I have my gun raised. Um, and he walks out. And the first thing I noticed, he comes into the light and he's walking really slow. He's got a cigarette in one hand and he's got a longboard skateboard in the other. Oh, that means he's a safe guy. And so that was my immediate clock as I went, well, he's not like, he just must be kind of tweaking. We're just lost. We're lost or something. So I like longboard up there. He must've it's your uphill though. But so listen, the story gets a little weird. All right. So I think everything can be taken with a little bit of a grain of salt here because as soon as I, so I have the gun on him and I was, he goes, nobody goes, Whoa. And I go, Hey, follow me. We're going to go out my property. Yeah. I'm like, walk slow. Like, you know, keep your hands out. Like I don't want any funny business. And so he, he complies. He's really mellow about it. He's not like crazy, but I do notice that he's responding kind of slow and he's And outside my gate, and I have the gun on him, and I asked, and the first thing I asked was like, what the fuck were you thinking? Yeah. And he goes, I don't, I was like, he was like, dude, I don't even know where I am. Yeah. And I was like, okay. Poor guy. I know, but the thing I noticed, I had to do a visual pat down. Uh-huh. Okay. Visual pat down. Visual pat down. I'm doing that right now on you. Finding nothing. Oh. No. Less than nothing. A cave. So I'm doing an ocular pat down. Ocular pat down. That's what it's called. Same thing. Doing an ocular pat down, and I notice he's got a bunch of wires hanging out of his pockets. It's a suicide bomber. And I was like, pull up your shirt. Wild man. Uh-huh. So I notice he's got a lot of wires hanging out of his pockets. Wires are weird. He's got a sweatshirt on, like an oversized hoodie. And I tell him he's got what seemed like this bulge on his chest. You were actually thinking. I was like, he's got something under his sweatshirt. So I go very slowly, do a little strip tease for me. You told him to lift up his shirt? I say, you know, put down your skateboard really slowly, hands like where I can see them, but pull up your shirt, show me what's underneath there because I don't want to get shot. I don't want you to pull out a gun or anything. I just don't buy your acting this calm in this situation. You're like you're in the movie Heat. There's video. You're like, don't believe me? Watch it. You're making, yeah, like in Den of Thieves 3. He pulls up his shirt, and it's a fanny pack around it. And as soon as he pulls it up, like a thing falls out of his fanny pack. And I know this fanny pack's just 100% not big enough. To contain a weapon. Yeah. So I was like, OK, he's got nothing on him. Yeah. Except for whatever just fell out. Looked like it was, it looked like it was a vial of something. And I was like, that's either drugs, drugs or poppers or something, or like some gas station horny pill, you know? And so that's still down the visual ID there. You have an ocular gas station. It's like, do you want to come back inside and hang for a little bit? Or so, so he, so, you know, it shows me that and he goes like, you know, bro, I'm just like, you're not going to like shoot me or anything, right? I was like, no, dude. Shoot me. And then at that point in time, Elton, buddy, comes running down. Neighbor. Yeah, neighbor. And he heard, he heard the commotion. And so, you know, I felt a lot safer. So I was like, hey, lay down on the ground or sit down wherever you can. And we're going to wait till the police are here. And so he complied. Yeah. He was fully compliant. And then the police arrived. And the crazy thing to me was, is at the same time, the police arrived, TMZ arrived. That's, I mean, that, that's wild. They, are they on the public, you can listen to the scanners, right? Or you think they have an inside rat? I think they have both. Oh, man. By the way, I will say, like, we have these neighbors up the road, not Elton. Well, that's, I was going to say there was an angle I saw on the TMZ. Yeah. That seemed like an inside job. Which, by the way, like, I didn't realize now that we like own a place, there's definitely like problem neighbors in every neighborhood. Like, we have this particular place. I have the nicest neighbor in the world. You are probably the nicest neighbor. I believe that you would be the best neighbor. I shirk my societal duties sometimes. Like, they have like a wine night and I don't go. And I feel really bad every time. But I'm, I just. You're not a wine guy. I'm not a wine guy. No, no. I think that's actually better to not go. Yeah. Because then you'd be weird. Mm-hmm. Weird neighbor. But they come out and they're like, it was very much, they were like recording. And I had to tell them, like, guys, go away. They were like trying to get in the, like, the intruder's face and shit. I was like, just. Like, buzz off, you twerp. I was like. I'd be really interested if next door a guy had a gun on someone. I, they find a. I know. There was a dead body outside my house. And I walked out and I looked at it. Yeah. Wait, wait. Were there already, like, police there? Or were you, like, first on the scene? No, I was the first guy. I was like, oh, look at this sleeping guy. Like, tampering with evidence? Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, someone, someone dropped a dead body two houses up from me. And there was, like, cops there. So I walked out. Dropped a dead body? Yeah. So he was killed somewhere else. Was in, had rigor mortis. And then dropped outside my place. Which kind of proves. My mom's like, oh, it sounds like you're in, like, a bad neighborhood. I'm like, no, no, no. It sounds like we're in the quietest neighborhood. The best place to hide a body. Because it's not where the attack happened. It's where they leave the body, right? So it's like. It's a good hiding spot. A.K.A. it's safe and it's quiet. So if you have a body in front of your house, value goes up. Okay. All right, man. I think that's going to be hard to explain to the fucking. But when you intrude, your value goes down. Intruder value down. Dead body dropped. Drop off up. With rigor mortis. With rigor mortis. Without rigor mortis, really down. Well, something's definitely up in rigor mortis. Yeah, baby. It's just wiener. That's what I meant. So, so anyway. Yeah. Besides the value of your home going up. So just to reiterate, Barbara passed a major ick test. Okay. I think she already did when you married her. Well, of course. But you never know when things get to happen. Like, nothing's going to make or break. Is this the most extreme moment you've had? For sure. Yeah, without a doubt. For sure. Especially while she's there. Was she okay? She's okay. She's 100%. What did you do the rest of the night? I think I'd be, like, buzzed off. We were definitely awake and we watched some Pixar movies. It was nice. And then we ate some ice cream. I would watch, like, something, like, Point Break. You feel so jacked up. Already, yeah. Yeah, no, I was pretty jacked up. I mean, I definitely played some, like, video games on my phone while we watched Pixar movies. But, so anyway, so case is closed, right? Case closed. Didn't press charges. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. He got in the slammer because of his previous arrest warrants. Yeah, yeah, warrants out of him. And I want to have him on the pod. I love it. I want to talk to him. Oh, man, that'd be great. I mean, look, if he's, like, if he's been in the slammer for a little bit, now he's out, and maybe he's clean now because he had a little, like, come to Jesus or whatever. No, I just want to talk to him. I'm just going to be like, come on, dude, like, give me the skinny. He's going to replace me? Party. I mean, he's partying. He's cooler than me, I know. That's a definitive wild man, dude. I know, I know. That's a definitive wild man. We've got to start doing crimes again. We've got to get back on the scene. Do you think you felt, because the news is out now, you're pregnant. I like that, when you can tell two people they're pregnant. Yeah. Did you feel your dad instincts kick in? Do you think you could have gotten that 20 seconds, or would it have been more like 32 if you didn't have a kid coming? I don't think my full dad instincts have kicked in yet. Really? And a lot of, I've talked to other guys about this, apparently it happens, like, the moment you see a baby. You see the kid. Yeah. I think that that will likely happen. I definitely, I've always been protective of Barbara. Yeah. It's never been something that I've been like, because, you know, like, you just got to be. If you're married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, like, your instincts are always like. Yeah. So I've mellowed out a lot about that. But the truth is, in terms of the dad instincts, the hard part is, is that I'm watching, I'm more protective over Barbara as she is pregnant than I am over the kid right now. Right? Right. Because she is actually doing a hundred percent of the heavy lifting. Yeah. Like, I'm. You're a lazy, lazy daughter right now. Yeah. Dude, like. Just hanging out. Straight up, I'm like, I'm just trying to feed her, make her happy, and like, give her a kiss before bedtime. Like, it's not like, like, right now she's, her back hurts. Does. Belly's big. I'm like. What's his name? I'm forgetting your dog's name right now. Baby Face. It's Violet's dog. Piggy. Piggy is your dog. Uh, Piggy. Yeah. Does she know there's a baby in there? No. Absolutely not. Oh, really? Grandpa? She tries to jump on her stomach all the time. Grandpa would lay on Eleanor's, uh, belly when she was pregnant. Piggy completely. And Piggy's also a girl dog. Because they say Frenchies sometimes know. You know who does know, though? Who? Klaus, my cat. Oh, your cat? Okay, yeah. Cat definitively knows. Klaus is a guy? Klaus is a guy. Okay. Grandpa's a guy. Klaus is a guy. Piggy's a girl. Wow. Yeah. Um, I don't really like to gender my animals. Yeah, I know. Um, so, I mean, Klaus definitively knows. Like, I've watched him. Yeah. And the interactions are very funny. Piggy's weird. She's automatically protective of Barbara. She's got, like, probably dad instincts a little bit. But I think that's just being a dog. Um, but they haven't kicked in yet. And there's part of me that's been feeling a little guilty about it. Like, I'm like, I'm trying to anticipate when it's coming. And I don't know when that happens. It's going to be when you hold the kid. I think so, right? Yeah. I don't know. You're going to fall in love. Oh, my God. Have I had a kid? No. Well, maybe in Paris. Yeah. No, have you felt, uh, are you nervous about the wedding? Yeah. Well, I'm nervous to, well, this, this is why it's good we have a podcast. This is my practice. This is my practice to talk in front of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, hey, without this. To warm up. This would have been me doing the vows. Yeah. It's like, oh, by the way, oh, yeah, I forgot to say this. Yeah, I don't think you're allowed ghost energy at your wedding. Um, I'm excited. I mean, it's just like having a lot of people in one place. Crossing over. I think the wild men at the wedding will be very fun. It'll be a great time at your wedding. Yeah. Dylan didn't have any beers at his wedding until, uh, the dancing was almost over. Until all the Hungarians went to sleep. Which I think is not a bad idea. I think it was 5 a.m. Was it that late? Yeah, my first beer was 5 a.m. Yes. In Hungary, on Babs' land. Yeah. That wedding was wild. We were contained. Yeah, it was all contained. We couldn't leave, yeah. Um, but I, I will say that that, and I've said this before, I think I said it on Chicks in the Office or something, but, um, I said I didn't drink on my wedding and I, that was the best decision I made. Yeah. Um. You were just locked in the whole time. Everyone's going to want to drink a shot with you. Well, especially in fucking Hungary, dude. Dude. We were there, we were at Babs' land for five, five hours. Seven, six, five days? Yeah. Seven, eight? No? Um. Yeah, yeah, we were there for over a week. But your, your, her family comes around at noon with palinkas, which are little plastic cups of, like, palinka? What is it? It's like a fruit liqueur that's home-brewed in Hungary. Yeah, fruit. So it's gnarly. Strong. Yeah, it's gnarly. And then you had two beer taps, they were open all day. All day. And you just walk around the pool, have the palinkas. My dad was shit-faced. Shit-faced. He was so happy. This is just great time. He was shit-faced. Uh. I'm trying to think of who, there's always the drunk person, like the really drunk guest. Your wedding actually went, no one. No one caused issues, though. There wasn't, like, an issue, issue drunk guy. Yeah. Um. Who do you think is going to be at your wedding? I was, I was thinking, I was like, Tanner might get really excited. Tanner's like an excitable guy. He's just too big, he can't control himself. Yeah, but that means he also has a big tolerance. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, he's down now because he just finished shooting his show. Yeah, he didn't drink for three months, so he's going to be a wild man. Oh, so his tolerance is way down. We'll have to ask him in episode three. Oh, yeah. Hello. Yeah. More exciting, we get to ask someone else next episode. I know, which. Who's coming into the studio. My beautiful wife, Barbara, is coming in. My competitor? Yeah, you're kind of, you're, you're nemesis. My nemesis? No, no. You're a nemesis? I like. barbara but she takes all your time i just don't think it's fair do you know in the first week of us dating i met her well she goes she turns to me we're lying in bed and i'm like texting texting with a smile i'm like she goes who are you texting it's like at night i go it's my buddy brendan she goes oh my god she's like why do you text him like that at night i've never seen you smile she's like i'm kind of jealous i was like why she was like you you're smiling and laughing the whole time you're texting brendan and she now the thing is if she knows i'm texting brendan she goes are you texting your boyfriend yeah yeah she's smiling yeah the first time i met her was like uh barney's i think and she walked up she's like we yeah because yeah because i met her we were going out to watch a game or something she goes oh so you're the one who's been texting my boyfriend first of all i've known him longer so he's mine yeah so actually he's been texting you let's cool that she's gonna i think she's gonna have a lot she's gonna have a lot of fun where should we seat her this will also be like the first year yeah she should be in the middle would be funny middle would be funny i'm gonna be i'm gonna pretend to be really protective over her and not let you speak be like that's my wife um but she's gonna have this is gonna be the first time that she can really talk openly about being pregnant like yeah because that has she's been hiding it pretty well and then she walked up the other day and like turned and i go holy moly there's a baby in there yeah there was apparently they call it popping right when officially like it's actually like a separation of the abs i guess i get that a lot when i do my sit-ups well your abs just are not together in general they'll never be put together they're always separate um but apparently just to prepare for childbirth uh a woman's body will like break down the center and the abs will stretch out so that the uterus can grow with the baby inside and so that's what they call it i don't know any of those words yeah it's really scary and somehow the devil's involved yeah um seems evil though yikes uh but uh so like they call that popping i guess and that's when officially you start to show right it is coincidental you get robbed and are pregnant in a week you're gonna have a podcast you're gonna push this conspiracy i mean you're so gonna push it dude if i got robbed no one would know i would rob you i'd be the one to rob my jokes during this podcast what joke could i steal i think the biggest joke is just the way you speak in general it's funny um yeah it's really funny mean guy um cole should take us there so anyway i think these are being released at the same time so if you're here listening to this one like and subscribe i'd like it yeah like subscribe pop over to the other one that we're releasing which is the other one that we're releasing which is the other one that we're releasing which will be with my beautiful wife barbara um which will be very fun or if you're coming uh from from barbara's welcome you started at the wrong end how the hell did you end up here what the heck what the heck you're doing this all right man um cheers man cheers see you next time you