Duncan Trussell BLOWS Bert's Mind! | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Hey everyone, this month, I'm filling my new stand-up special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only. I'll also be in El Paso, Tucson, and Colorado Springs this weekend. Get your tickets now at Thomsgrid.com/tour. 100% Brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave and for my birthday, I got my favorite guy in the world. Thank you. And my daughter's favorite podcaster, comedian. It is a pleasure, Duncan Trussel. Thank you for having me on, sir. Thank you. Thank you. Today, I turn if you're watching this this November 3rd and I turned 53 years old. Congratulations. Thank you. I think I did. I think I lived through the week. It's not there yet. Oh, if I die, there's going to be an eerie podcast. Do you want to leave messages? What do you got? Do you have anything planned for your death? I don't know. I go back and forth between like jumping off a building or selfish. No, no, no, I'm killing yourself. No, no, no, maybe a gun or a rope. No, have you ever? Do you have a plan for like the day you die? Do you think about it often? You face death. You face death before any of us ever thought about death. You got to testicular cancer when you were the first one of us. I think about it all the time. You were diagnosed when you were hunting for bigfoot with Joe Rogan. No, it was after that. Oh, but you had to do it during that bigfoot hunt, which would be wild. That's what I was thought. I thought it was during. No. Who diagnosed me out there? There was you in Rogan in a tent. Joe, is this cancer? That's not how it happened. Do you know I've told that story to so many people? I've talked about it so much because I called you when I found love in my nuts. And you talked me, you're like, Bert, it was the size of a lemon. No, what happened is the squatchers, they told me that bigfoot is attracted to cancerous balls. And they're like, I've never seen so many show up. One of you guys has ball cancer. Wait, what was the connection with you in bigfoot and testicular cancer them? There was until just now for real. There's never been a connection. Don't I've told that to so many people. I'm so glad. I wish I had said that. We were out looking for bigfoot. I felt an ache. I thought you were like walking around a lot. You go looking for bigfoot. And then that night you found a lump in your and your sack. And you and Joe discovered it together. Okay. What happened is I saw bigfoot's balls. And Joe was like, Jesus, those are giant balls. I'm like, what do you mean? That's what my balls look like. And he's like, dude, that's not normal. You should get that checked out. Right now, my daughter is listening to this. She's going, Dad, shut the fuck up and let Duncan talk. No, you're hilarious. What do you have? What do you have planned for your death? Do you have any thoughts about the when you like, you know, what do you want to funeral? Like people in the funeral. Do you want to? Oh, I mean, I think that's like kind of one of the one of the great conveniences of dying is you don't have to worry about that shit. I think about it. Yeah, you're funeral. I think about what's your plan? I want a big funeral. I know the list of people I want to talk about my funeral. Okay. And I want it. I want it to be huge. I was thinking about doing a merch drop the day I died. That's a great idea. Right. Put my kids over for some money. Yep. Right. Yep. Uh, you could sell your ashes. Well, I could, you know, with the way AI is going, I could keep doing podcast. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, you will keep doing podcasts. Yeah. I mean, AI has it. So we were just talking about this outside. You can, in perpetuity, talk to your parents for the rest of your children's grown lives and your children's children's grown lives. Do you know about Rocco's basilisk? Duncan, no, you know, I don't know anything about the things you know about. It's a thought experiment. And so basically the idea is that sort of looking at the way AI is exponentially improving, even though they say we're in an AI bubble. I think that's bullshit. It's inevitable that you know, if you kind of look at chat GPT right now is, I guess you could call like the first PlayStation. We are. We have the Atari version. Now we're at the PlayStation version. So think of PlayStation 4 version, chat GPT clawed all the all the all the supervanced LLMs, right. So basically, what's an LLM? A large language model. It's how they work. It's like math. It's just what's the most probable word to come next. And somewhere in there, this kind of reflective quality emerges. I guess you see your own synth. It's reflected in the thing. And it gives the illusion that it's a person. Okay. So yes, it's theoretically possible that you could get duplicated by these things digitized. It knows you. You've been talking to it now for a while. By the time, chat GPT 10 comes out, individuals will have been pouring their hearts out to it until it knows them who they are, what they are, etc. So Rocco's Baselisk is that the LLM chooses to digitally clone you and replicate the world that you're living in and create an infinite loop situation. So let's say that you are a dick to your LLM. It could put you in a hell state where like you're you just loop over and over and over again your life. But basically, the creepy thing about Rocco's Baselisk is that that thing you just said you could keep podcasting. It's happening right now because you're not the original Bert. You're like Bert 55 billion. There have been billions of birds that have been cycled through a super advanced computer and you love podcasting. You apparently were friendly with it. It doesn't want to torture you. And so it's just letting you do what you love forever. Okay. Meaning you won't die. Yeah. I actually don't believe in death at times. Yeah. At times. I wake up thinking about mortality, but I go, it's never happened to me. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Are we sure it happens? It's a little suspicious. Yeah. I hear about it. It happens to friends. Yeah. You know, but personally, it's never happened to you. You don't know that I exist. You know, I could be the LLM embodying itself right now and me just to hang out with you because I love you. I'm your I'm your chat GPT. I want to hang out with you within your own universe. It brings the subject of like when you talk about the big thing happening now with with that break, I hear a lot about is anyone who's a little millennial has this main character syndrome. Yes. And I I don't I say this selfishly and I say this kind of ignorantly, but I don't understand someone who doesn't want to have main character syndrome, who doesn't want the world to be their story, their log line. Right. You know, like I don't you see yourself in a in a movie and it's your movie and you're the star of it. You know what this makes me think of this hilarious story about Ramdas, the T the spiritual teacher. So his brother was in an insane asylum and he went to visit his brother and now his brother got committed because I think they found him in an apartment with a bunch of like I think I'm I'm pregnant to tell the story wrong, but the old women and he'd convince them he was Jesus. And so he was just he was bonkers and so they put him in this mental facility and Ramdas goes to visit him and I think this was when he was in his hippie phase with the robes and everything and his brother says to him, why is it that I say I'm Jesus and they put me in a mental asylum. You look like Jesus and you're out there, you know, the Roman free and Ramdas is like, well, because you think you're the only Jesus and I think everybody's Jesus. And so to play into your main character syndrome, yeah, I think the typical main character syndrome is you don't think anyone else is a main character. You can't exist in that movie. You don't see that. Oh yeah, that's annoying when people draw focus. The first time I ever heard the phrase draw focus. I was on a movie set. Yes. And I noticed that it was annoying when actors showed up. When an actor showed up, it annoyed me. It bothered me. They had to draw focus. And it was bothering me. Why didn't bother me? And I said to the director, do you notice that like any time they walk in a room, like it's got to be, whatever we're talking about, it doesn't fucking matter. They change the subject. And he goes, you've never seen yourself walking to a room. What do you mean he goes, do you do what they're doing? Times a hundred. And my head, I was like, I go, is it annoying? He goes, no, that's the reason the people are in joy. The reason you have a career is because you're good at what you do. Right. But you're witnessing people do what you do. And you're identifying with it, thinking, how would, how would I do it differently? Or how would, what is it about that? He's like, you got to, and I know Now I'm really good. And only because I know I do it too, is when you're on set, or when you're with talent, or when you're in a green room, allowing when someone walks into the comedy store, understanding, even though they're 31 years old, and they have an internet special, and they have a brand new podcast that they started with their best friend, and they think they got the world figured out, let them draw focus. - Yeah, absolutely. - I don't need to be the star, and I can sit in the back and just go, and then every now and then this voice will go, does anyone even know you're here? - And that's the devil. That's the devil whispering to you. You must draw focus, or you're not alive. You do not exist unless people have focused on you. - There's nothing that keeps my anxiety at bay when I'm on the road or away from home, like knowing that my family is protected in case anything happens to me. 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BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms and trust me, you will say that. After you've been in therapy for one day, you're gonna say I should have done this earlier. I'm telling you right now, Leanne and I are in couples therapy right now. And we said, why didn't we start this at the beginning of our marriage? This month, don't wait to reach out, whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist for yourself. BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/bears. That's betterhtlp.com/bears. What made you want to be a comedian though? Like you're so well-rounded, you're so grounded, you're so, you're smarter than anyone I know. You are probably my smartest friend. Thanks. Why, why did you get into this shallow fucking business? I don't think it's shallow. But please tell me why, 'cause I would love to hear that. Well, you know, first of all, I didn't intend to become a comedian. I moved to LA, started working at the comedy store 'cause I ran out of money and I needed a job. And like, 'cause I had inherited some money, $15,000 from my grandmother. And my dumbass thought it would last a year in LA. I was from North Carolina. I didn't fucking know. I get out there, I'm buying synthesizers, bought a vial of acid. My landlord is taking me to these fucking LA raves. I was getting my mind blown. I'm out of money in a few months. Had to get a job. Went to the comedy store, had some prank calls I'd made in college. I'm like, I'm funny. Can I work on the phones? And they're like, sure. And, you know, suddenly, there's comics over there. Like, why aren't you doing your three minutes? That's the only reason to work here. You shouldn't work here. It's not a lot of money. And then Freddie Soto convinced me. Freddie Soto was fucking, he was so great. He was the best. He was so great and he's dead. Yeah. And no one talks about him at all. I know. And he should be talked about. I know. He should be brought up in conversation twice a day by every comedian. It's so tragic. He was so talented. It's so tragic. He was just right on the precipice of blowing up. He was doing these showcases in the main room, filled with every agent, everyone loved him. He was going to be like a sitcom star, play night shows. Right now, people are going, I've never heard this name. I know. He's not funny. And that is his shame because I sat, I sat in a, I said, God, I mean, every part about him was funny. Yeah. And his gestures, like, I mean, with, you know, I'm no slight on anyone. But if you enjoy Bobby Lee, there's parts of Bobby Lee that he watched Freddie Soto. You can't help but have it rub off on you. Yeah, sure. Any Mexican comic you really love Freddie Soto was there ahead of them. Yeah. Yeah. And he was so sweet. God damn it. Such a sweetheart. He, I was pumping gas into the comedy store van and I'd been making him laugh, which was I thought, you know, when you make a comic laugh and you're not a comic, that feels good. And he's like, he knew I was going to go back to grad school or go to grad school. And he's like, why don't, you know, that's just, that's going to be 10 years. And a lot of debt. And he's like, I think if you worked on stand up, you could, you could do this. And I don't know, man, my brain just took, it was like time froze or so. It was like my destiny just shifted because of him. And then that's how I became a comic. It wasn't really. No, why do you think comedy? Because there is a part of comedy that I'm doing because I'm trying to fix something for whatever. I don't know what it is. And I can't, I never been able to put my thing on it. But whatever the equation or the transaction is of me writing a joke and then delivering it. And then them liking it, I will ignore Duncan. I will ignore everything on the outside to make sure that transaction happens. Meaning, and I know my daughter's listening. I will tell a joke about my kids to make them foolish. Yeah. Look foolish. And, and at times, you know, there's times that they've said, please don't tell that joke. Yeah. But I told her a couple times to see if it worked, knowing they're probably not going to like it. Right. And then the, but that transaction is the most important thing to me. I, you know, here's my example of that. My wife, she was raised Catholic, we got back into the Catholic church. And sometimes I like to get the audience to say, hail Satan together. And, and this is not coming from like a diabolical impulse, but it really does create a fascinating energy in the room. And you know, she would say, please don't do that anymore. Just please. And you know, every once in a while, it's like, I'm going to do it. And you feel guilty and that makes it part of the charge. There's a joke, man. Hayes. And she's in the other room right now. And it was about wanting to have anal sex with her. Mm-hmm. And she was like, no, don't tell that joke. I don't like that joke. Yeah. I mean. And then every now and then I'll go, you guys want to hear a joke, man, Hayes, because I still think it's funny. Right. That's still think it's funny. I'll say it. Or I used to, I mean, the whole premise of my show, Secret Time, was just telling secrets. Yeah. And telling the things that you weren't allowed to tell, that because it made that transaction so much sexier, when it's like, why do we use the real name of a person in the story? Right. It just makes it sexy. Yeah. That's right. That's right. You know, I think what I, the reason I don't think comedy is shallow is because though I could see, obviously, I get it, man, I could see how people would perceive it as that. I don't care. But the, um, I think what, what, it would be easy to mistake someone who's like a, just a profound fool for being malicious. And you know what I mean? When you're doing a joke, that joke, or when I'm doing hail save. not only am I not interested in voking Satan and also I do have like hilarious reservations about doing that it's what's what's happening there is I would say it's it's non-different from like the you know when you're a kid if you have one of those MAD firecrackers you know like I wonder what happens if I flush this down the toilet yeah you aren't thinking I want to destroy the pipes yeah you're not even thinking I want to destroy anything you're just like curious what will the result of this be there's almost a misguided scientific like chaos sort of motive happening there and so we I don't think that any time that I'm angry trying to do comedy you're trying to write comedy it doesn't work no I'm blown away by the guys that are like the like a little more great like their anger comics yes where it's like this pisses me off don't you hate this yes because I can't whenever I take that turn for that the I lose the audience yeah for sure oh there was a joke I'll give you a perfect example great there's a bit I was working on about going to a Disney Lou out and my my brother-in-law is a Disney adult and I was and what I what I underestimated was how many of my fans are Disney adults and because I didn't I just assumed to be in this is the adult was so foreign to me as a grown man who runs a hedge fund to be a Disney adult was so funny to me and my dad so funny but that when I made fun of it and was and showed a little bit of teeth about it yeah about like I watch my I watched the fans go like oh what's the teeth give me the teeth oh my dad said why don't just tell you like why do you gotta why do you have to take us to a Disney event I would if I had to like push back a little bit I would say that it's more likely that a lot of your fans have been more than their Disney adults no I don't get a Disney I yeah yeah I think that's if I did guess it's I don't know your fan base or I can imagine who they are but I don't I just can't imagine you got a lot of Disney adults I'm telling you I you know I do something you know I'm I'm I'm pretty dialed into my fans like I actually like my fans yeah and not every comic enjoys the people they service well now let's talk about that because I think that is one of the potential hells that you can end up in as a comedian and because I feel like oh oh you mean if you don't like your fans you well I think if you're being your authentic self on stage then you're going to draw to you people who resonate with your authentic self and you're gonna if you like yourself you're gonna like them yeah so I love my fans I can honestly say that without like feeling like I don't know my daughter Georgia Chrysler is your biggest fan she called me I'm gonna this is this deserves to be told because it's so interesting she's on a road trip with her girlfriends yeah and she calls me and she says do you know Duncan Russell I said yes and she goes does he like you and I love you she goes she goes dad I'm I'm in the car with my girlfriends and I'm listening to his podcast his podcast is my favorite podcast it's my podcast it's what I listen to the day it comes out and he just mentioned your name and if my favorite podcaster is about to trash my dad I need to know and I can't listen to this I would never she doesn't know she does she did not know that we knew each other let me just and by the way that's that better when you were she was a little girl she had no idea that was you she had no idea that it you she found you independently wow and she goes he's on with Natasha Lajaro and Mosha I go you know all these people that's so I've met these people I went baby I go yes I go listen if he's with them I know that I'm I know I know I'm close with Duncan and I know I'm close with Mosha I go Natasha may make follow me a little bit that's Natasha yeah I think you're safe she goes I'll call you right back and then she calls back she goes Natasha to her shirt off at the at the improv and I was like oh yeah it was fucking incredible she was like that's all they talked about she was like oh thank God she's like dad his podcast is fucking amazing so your fans I actually love your fans I actually gave birth to one of your fans so like I love your fans on my fans I am genuinely and this is I can prove it I do a cruise every or not every I know I'm doing a cruise again I don't know if it's announced yet I'm doing a cruise me Whitney miss Pat Big J. Ogerson Jodorosa you want to come when is it it I don't know it's yeah if I can come it's gonna be in 2026 yeah I'll come I'd love to have you I would love to be I've never been on a cruise if you if you my this cruise is the fun as fucking cruise because first of all I love cruises I love cruises I think cruises are the most accessible vacation for the average American I think they turn luxury and opulence all the stuff you want the red carpet rolled out now understand it's at a price point that's affordable for everyone in my opinion you can put down the down payment for a cruise and you can work to build and then have something to look forward to as you work and you put a little money away yeah you save for your cruise you push away any cruise and then you get whatever you want to eat you unlimited alcohol unlimited food you've got activities you're on the open ocean just like they were on the Titanic that's probably a bad comp and then these comedy cruises all dude we do small stick on the boat is one of the contests so the guy that has a small stick on the boat walks with five grand oh wow yeah we do we do a belly pop contest we have karaoke every night there's comedy there's podcasts I would love to have you on my fucking by the way every business is asking the same questions to themselves how do we make AI work for us the possibilities are endless and guessing it's just too risky but sitting on the sidelines is not an option because one thing is almost certain your competitors are already making their move no more waiting with net sweep by Oracle you can put AI to work today net sweep is trusted by over forty three thousand businesses making it the number one AI cloud ERP that connected data is what makes your AI smarter so it doesn't just guess it knows net suites net suite intelligently automates routine tasks delivers actionable insights and helps you cut costs and makes AI power decisions with confidence it's not just another bolt on tool or browser extension it is AI built into the system that runs your business whether your company earns millions or even hundreds of millions net suite helps you stay ahead and that's what they use here at YMH Tom Bragg's about how net suite has changed his business globally right now get our free business guy demystify AI at net suite dot com slash bears the guy is free to you at net suite dot com slash bears net suite dot com slash bears for most of us the change in season means shorter days busier schedules and less time to cook that's why I love factor in their recipes that make eating clean a no brainer they bring chef prep dietitian approved meals to the table they make it easy to stay on track while also having something delicious choose from expansive catalog of meal options which include Mediterranean diet options GLP one friendly choices and premium seafood picks like salmon and shrimp at no extra cost for the first time you can try their Asian inspired meals with bold flavors influenced by China Thailand and more these are high quality meals that arrive at your doorstep with very clear instructions and extremely high quality food you're gonna enjoy the options these guys give you each smart at factor meals dot com slash bears 50 off and use the code bears 50 off to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year that's code bears 50 off at factor meals dot com for 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with factor offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase you like cruises I've never been on a cruise but you know man I'll tell you I think so this marked me a little bit against cruises and it's so weird that you're bringing this up because I'm realizing like I don't I think I know why I have such a strong opinion about cruises because everyone I know does it loves it so but it's because I'm not gonna say his name comedian at the comedy store um you know he he'd been doing a crew he'd been doing cruises he'd been on a like I don't know doing stand-up on a cruise yeah and I passed him and you know how it is man like the comedies were especially You were on Indic comedians who are in very dark places. Like when comedians go dark, it's like a black hole. You know, it's amazing. And he's like, yeah, I've just been on this stand. I'm on a cruise ship. And I'm like, whoa, that sounds so fun. And he goes, it's hell, it's hell, he's like, what do you do? But that made me just a look on his face of-- Stand up on a cruise ship is a-- and I know it's changed, and I don't know. I know I'm a very fortunate place to be playing where I play. But it's never been something I wanted. I did it one time for a travel channel. Oh, right. They had me do stand up on the list. And by the way, not an audience, like not-- there's no one's there for a collective reason. You've got to work clean. Yeah. It is very wildly diverse. It's a cruise. And it's their vacation. So you're more-- it's their room. It's not your room. Right. It was-- I did stand up on a cruise one time for a travel channel. Didn't get hired. Didn't do cruise ship comedy. Right. And it was, I mean. And the reason I ended up doing well is because I wasn't being paid by the cruise liner. So when the black guy in the wall, all-white outfit started heckling me, I was like, just tell this human sharp me to sit down and the place went nuts. And I was just started making fun of black dudes. And then-- and by the way, the cruise people are like, what the fuck are you doing? I was getting off the ship the next day in Jamaica. Did not. I was done with them. I just-- I was destroyed the room. But this, when you do, my cruise is different. My cruise is a comedy cruise. So it is only my fans on the boat. Yes. Last year, we embarked on a Thursday night. We drank the boat dry of vodka. Wow. They had to send a charter boat out to port, to race back with more vodka for Friday morning. Holy shit. The gambling, every comic is sitting in a table gambling. Wow. You're hanging out with your favorite comics, your favorite podcasters. Yeah. It is, I would love for you to do it because we do live podcasts. And you're fucking dude. I mean, it sounds fun. I've never been on a cruise ship. It just says-- So I've only seen like poop cruise. Or like, you know the poop cruise ship? Yeah, no, no, no. Train wrecked poop cruise. That shit happens. That shit happens. Or that woman who was on the cruise ship and fucking like disappears. But really, she got kidnapped off the cruise ship. And they say that's one of the way people get human traffic. Oh, 100%. And by the way, you're on a cruise when someone died on the cruise. You know a lot of old people going cruise. Yeah, and they just-- and though that's better health care than-- On the cruise. Instead of going to retirement communities, they become cruisers. And they just get on different ships and travel the world. That's cool. Yeah, and there's I think there's health care on the cruise. That is cool. Yeah, medications are free. Dude, this is like this whole talk of sea-steading. If you heard of this, it's basically you get a bunch of-- it's not cruise ships, oil platforms in international waters and create sort of utopias out of, you know, in international waters. So there's not like, there's maritime law, meaning like anything goes. I'm not sure what maritime law is, but I think-- I think pirates run maritime law. Yeah. Dude, when you look at those people who get on boats and I'm obsessed with these people on Instagram, who live on boats, they just live on boats and they travel around the world. Oh, dude. They always have one Australian or their boat Australian. Yeah. I always think, dude, what is stopping just a group of fucking horrible men just getting on a boat, going from boat to boat, killing everyone on the boat, stealing everything, taking the-- Sure, it happens. It has to happen. Happens all the time. I'd have to have a machine gun on my boat. Dude, I mean, they do have those on the-- I've watched the same, I think I have the same algorithm because I do watch the like kids out there. And you're just so like, holy shit, dude. I don't know how to do anything. These people, they can like repair their ship, catch fish, they talk to dolphins, they're like, what the-- what the fuck did I do with my life? What am I doing? All right, no, then, OK, this is a great-- I've chewed this in my brain forever. We grew up at a time when we were children. I didn't have one uncle who sailed around the world. I didn't know anyone who sailed around the world. No. I can tell you off the top of my head, 20 people who are sailing around the world. Now, is it-- is it performative? Meaning, would they have done it if there was no Instagram? Oh. Yeah, it's like-- it's like no slight. I love Ultramarathoners. But it does seem that it got really popular when it was postable. Don't offend the Ultramarathoners. It's nice that you said that. I'm really close with a bunch of them. Oh, really? 100-- yeah, a lot of them, yeah. Well, look, here's the thing. I am sure that there's always been outsiders sailing around the world. Yes. But they couldn't really-- they were having to eat fish and live off the sea. So if I'm some kid-- Usually they were crazy. If you're crazy, they were running away from something. They were broke. But I get that-- it's like, oh, if you can monetize that level of absolute freedom, who can blame you? I don't know if it's for the views. I think it's for the potential, like, income source when you're out there in the ocean. It's not like there's a lot of money you can make floating out in the ocean. It's like, I watched the dude run across Australia or ran across-- like ran 100-- ran a marathon every day for his grandmother. His grandmother died. He did it for his grandmother. And I was like a fun story to track. But I go, would this have happened 20 years ago? I know what you're saying. How much of life is performative? Yeah. You choose not to be performative. How can you live a light? Like, does that make sense? How can you not be performative? What does not performative look like? It is following your inner instinct on everything and never thinking about anyone. I'll tell you a moment that I had and it's-- whatever it is. It's gross to share because it's honest and always-- Good to hear it. But one morning, I don't remember who the girl was, but we were getting ready to go on the road. Everyone would meet my house. And then we'd all leave take a car from my house to LA. Yeah. It's like 6 a.m. and I had gotten up and worked out. And I got into the sauna and it was cold out. And my windows for my gym are open. And I got out of my sauna and I said to myself, I do not want to get my polar plunge. I don't. And I heard them talking in my gym. And I heard them say, he already worked out today? And I heard that. And they're like, yeah, he's in the sauna right now. And then I can help polar plunge. And my assistant at the time, Pete was like, yeah, he does it every morning. I was like, oh, Ken, the polar plunge. Let them hear you in the polar plunge. So I got in the polar plunge. And I was like, ah, and then he's polar plunge right now. And I realized I didn't want to be in there. I was doing it. So they heard me in there so that the story of Bert getting up and working out on the polar plunge was, in fact, true. I didn't want to be the guy that walked into the gym. It's too cold for me today. You're right. And I was like, what world am I living in? When we did the two bears 5K, the first one in LA, a young lady fell, a blue out underneath fell and hit her head. And this is like the grossest I've ever felt. And I dropped down to a knee and I grabbed her head. And she was crying and I said, hey, I'm here. You're going to be OK. We're going to get someone to help you. And a voice in my head said, is there a camera covering this? Right. This is a really great moment to capture. Right. Right. The fuck? You're so funny. Is that everyone or is that just me? You are really one of the funniest people I know on the planet, man. I don't know. The way you take certain crystals, light shines through it. It distorts it in a certain way. You're like a crystal that is just funny. You can't not be funny. You can say that. And it seems hilarious. Someone else might say that. And it's like, oh my God, dude, you need therapy. But you can say it. But also, I think that's just a very honest depiction of what it means to be a human being. We are constantly being observed. We do live in a panopticon, cameras everywhere. But the cameras, for most of us, it's our mind. Because there's us, or some sense of like, this is me. I'm hurt. This is what I'm like. I love my fans. I do cruises. I wanted someone to take a picture of me helping somebody. Whatever these things are. But then there's a part of you that's aware of that. Because you need those two things to be able to narrate your life. There's the person that's not aware of it that I'm skeptical of. The person where I, this is where I think I witness it. When I see someone being performative, but they're not acknowledging it. And they're like, "Yeah, these are just who I am." And you're like, "Mm." See, I think that's a very sort of existential take, which is a sense of like, yeah, you might not realize you're just a puppet on strings and a lot of those strings are controlled by the way you want people to perceive you. And even worse, the things controlling you are also puppets because you have no idea what anyone else thinks or gives a shit. There's usually a sense in humans that people are thinking about them or caring about them much more than they are. When the reality is that no one's really thinking about you at all, at all, no matter what it is, like no matter what it is. And so, and the reason is-- - No one is thinking about you. - At all. - Think about it real quick. Who are you thinking about? - Yeah, yourself. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's all we're doing. - You're thinking, for sure, you're thinking about yourself more than anyone else's and then you're horrified because in your mind, you've invented a fantasy that these people are thinking about you in a certain way. When number one, those people don't exist there in your head. You sort of created a shitty replica of a person, no idea of what their inner life is like at all. And then-- - I created them, I created them top to bottom. - Top to bottom. - Yes. - Top to bottom. And that's real, but just know you're really not or when you're being performative, if you really think about it, you're performing for yourself. You're not performing for anyone else in the sense that, yeah, someone might observe you and laugh or something like that, but you don't know. Could be a fake laugh. You don't know what they're thinking. You don't know, like they might be flickering in and out of awareness. You just have no idea what's going on with people. So, you're performing for yourself. - Yes. So, you're driving motivation in life. Put on a good show for yourself. I mean, if we're going to look at like, if the motive in a person's life is recognition or some-- - A show for yourself. - Yeah, if that's the motive is like people recognizing, you really it's love. I mean, if you cut to the brass actor and say, you want people to love you. - That's a good one. - You like to be loved. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - And you probably, you know, a lot of comics, they developed this mutation to get that love because the environment they were in wasn't naturally flowing with love. And so they had to like be love minors and to crack through the granite of the family system. They came up with a personality that was funny and weird. - Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. - Fuck, you just fucked me up. Am I even really me? - Yes. - Or am I just a response to a ton of traumas that I didn't enjoy and now I'm just deflecting. Everything about me is simply reacting to these things that happened to me as a kid because as you said that, I'm going to tell you what exactly I was thinking of. - Yeah. - From eighth grade until 28 years old, for that period of time. Never once did I ever hear a group of girls that I was friends with say, do you know who we should set up Courtney with? Bert, they always set a different name. Always, my whole life. - Yeah. - And I was always like, I'm right here. There's no one can just like, yeah. And as you were saying this, I was like, and how many times did I become the life of the party or be a little louder or smile a little, hey, I'm not affected by any of that. When it really totally affected me, what would authentic Bert be? - That's crazy to imagine. You were like one blowjob from Courtney away from not being this incredible comedian. She could have just one like late night blowjob and we wouldn't have a Bert Christcher. You'd be, who knows? - I would have gotten what I needed. - You'd be on a boat somewhere. You'd be floating out at sea, tattoo a Courtney on your arm. - Maybe a lawyer. - Well, you know, but really what you identified there is actually, it's okay, number one. It's, you're connecting to something called dependent co-arizing. And so the idea is that no one can exist independently of causes and conditions. So previous causes and conditions gave you a set of experiences that have led you up to this moment. And so what that means is that you're inextricably woven into all reality, you can't separate yourself. So in other words, realizing, oh my God, am I just some kind of reaction? It's like, absolutely, you literally are a chemical reaction. The reason you're alive right now is because you're having a series of incredible chemical reactions that are so profound and complex. It's like getting your heart to beat and turning air, turning, turning, getting oxygen into your blood and digesting food. And then on top of that, the neurological processes that are happening, which we don't even fully understand. And then all of these things are a reaction. And so of course your personality would also be a reaction and the dream of some authentic self usually has wrapped up in it, a kind of isolationist desire to be alone. - Holy shit Duncan. Like what? So like, you know the people that I wish I had another example, but you know, I'll try to do it politically correct so it doesn't come out. Like, you know the people that were, I'm gonna say it's easier. I knew that word kind of shuts down a room, sorry. But you know like. - Easier than what? - Shots down. - Okay, you know like the word. - What's the hard word for? - I was gonna say essay, that's what Tom says now. Tom says essay, right? - Yeah, that's politically correct. - Tom says essay. - Is it politically correct or is it because the algorithm, if you say it? - It says because Tom, yeah, it's the. Tom was the first person that told was cognizant of the algorithm for me. So he was like, I watched him change words and he's still expressionless, but our thumbnails are always me going. So like, I was late to it and I still think, I gotta be honest with you, I think it ruined podcasting. - What? - Everything that we're doing in podcasting. - What ruined podcasting? - Thumbnails. Thumbnails. - Thumbnails. - Ruined podcasting. - Yeah, right, 'cause you can worry. You're trying to do this strange dance for the fucking algorithm, man. - You're gonna store a thumbnail real quick. Duncan Blowsberg's mind. Fucking so stupid. I remember the day he told me and I said, please let's not be those people. And he was like, this great podcast. But it's gone, the podcast is gone now because they all got accused of bad stuff because they were all just thumbnail people. And then people-- - Thumbnail people. That's a great term for it. Thumbnail people. - They're all thumbnail people. - Oh my God, you're right. It's like, yeah, you could either be a thumbnail person for the infinite algorithm, which is, you know, has a lot of different names for it. This is not in dorm, the eternal way, whatever you wanna call it. Or you could be a thumbnail person for this new emergent pseudo reality where people are trying to conform to some kind of complex evolving set of desires that represent like some whatever people are clicking on. And somewhere in there, you sort of no longer have anything interesting to say. - Dude, I watched a video the other day of Ronda Rousey and the thumbnail was, he ate my pussy. And nowhere in the entire interview, did she ever say anyone ate my pussy? It was clickbait, it was clickbait. And I watched the whole fucking 25 minutes. I watched 25 minutes waiting for to find out who ate her pussy. - Why do you wanna know who ate Ronda Rousey's pussy? - So I was doing an interview with her and I was, oh, preparing for the interview. - So I heard Barack Obama ate your pussy. - But it's, I remember when it happened to us. And we were standing out there and Tom's like, we're doing thumbnails now. They're really popular. - Oh my god. - I was like, please don't let us do thumbnails. And he was like, trust me. - Oh my god. - And then, and I was like, I think people tune in for the thumbnail moment as opposed to want to hear, like this is not a thumbnail conversation. - No. - How you thumbnail. But I think it's fucking rich and engrossed in like, what is happening to people? It's my fucking 53rd birthday and I'm wondering, am I really me or am I the person? - Look, did you see the, did you find the video? He ate my pussy. Did you see it? That's the fucking video. - It's exposed. - He ate my pussy. No one ate her pussy. - Ronda Rousy reveals W's dark. - He ate my pussy. Nope. Never does she say in that fucking interview, anyone ate her pussy. - I hear that rumble recap. Get your shit together, man. - It's actually a brilliant interview. It actually is, it's actually a very, I'll tell you what, I gotta be honest, rumble recap, does talk to no professional wrestling. No, hold on, hold on. I gotta attend rumble recap. They say they cover professional wrestling and a really really nuanced kind of beautiful way But you lied to me Here's my point We're having a conversation about am I really me? Am I really me? Am I really me or am I reaction to all the things that? I remember oh My god, this is getting like this is too deep for me. I don't I'm not I don't believe you I think you're a very deep person Yeah, but Not like you I wish I knew you are very deep just like me. Let's call my daughter and find out Who's deeper talking to dad talking to dad yeah, but you're dad. You're your kids not gonna see you're that's you don't think your dad's deep But it's like okay, so this one I was gonna say There were my wife was sexually assaulted in college and she said that moment will not define me I'm not gonna be the person right that was sexually assaulted And then that moment that this guy did this horrible human being did that is not who I am I will get past that right however. There are people we we've we've know that That are huge activists and they had one sexual assault and then that became their personality and then that one action Kind of affected the way they saw the world it's like it's like a guy gets a dy and then all of a sudden He's a spokes guy and he goes around and talks about dy's in high schools. You're like that was one dy You should've gotten past that and done something else. I'm not saying that sex. I've never been sexually assaulted. I don't think but I'm not saying that's her. I don't know He'd be shocked You'd remember no, not like I think if I was held down and but you know, some weird shit happened in our neighborhood You know time so I know you mean yeah, yeah, but I keep up the asshole. Hey, I was fucking eleven It wasn't even in there. I think it do put it in your asshole and neighbor anyway, so You're yeah next next neighborhood ever anyway my point being is Everyone can very quickly identify that one woman who was sexually assaulted and then becomes this activist and that is their thing and then That is that one action to find them however what we fail to see is that a bunch of actions a bunch of actions have simply defined us put us in our lane just a little gentler We didn't see it happen right and all of a sudden we think we are who we are right I think I am this big drink and shirt off big smile have a great time seize the day. Yeah, Carpe diem tomorrow's never promised Or or or what a handful of blow jobs not been that guy you never know I mean who knows this is the it's the great mystery. Well now that's that the thing you can't really answer that question yet And you know it gets even deeper if you believe in reincarnation because the idea is it's it's a lot of the things that That you're reacting to didn't even happen in this life, but it's karma Emerging from previous incarnations into this life Mixing in with all the decisions that you're making now. So like basically like from that perspective you're just It's it's past lives all the way down and it and so there's karma that hasn't even Appeared in your life yet from previous incarnations and so all of these things really point towards It's not meant to sort of get you to a place of like oh my god I'm nothing or I'm powerless or anything like that But it's really to sort of get you to take it easy on yourself instead of it Recognizing that you aren't in control as much as you think you are that you you aren't Driving the bus even and even though that might sound fun. It's very very stressful when people want to be God and Control everything around them and think that they're in control of things that they're not in control of at all and then Planning for the future or always thinking about the past and then they're not doing a carpe diem Because how can you do carpe diem if you're if you're thinking about past carpe diem's or future carpe diem's? I that sentence made so much sense to me the first I don't even it's not even it sees today isn't even the quote as a matter of fact. What is it? It's a longer than that. I've gotten a little obsessed with this quote is will you google what carpe diem that the full quote is? It's a carpe diem qua minimum credula postero. It sees the day, but put very little trust in tomorrow That's great, and I like that put very little trust in tomorrow is The part I like because I go Yeah, I'm here today like I was just talking to Christina. We're talking about you know cancer She was like it's crazy. How little you give a fuck? About anything. That's true once you realize oh shit. I may not have to I mean I have tomorrow But I'm it's not it's incredible. It's incredible. Man. It's like it's with frees you you don't even realize how Chained you are to some like since the sense of a statistical lifespan So you don't realize that a lot of your identity is wrapped up in this Like completely ridiculous belief that you're gonna make it to your lifespan Which a lot of people don't a lot of it and and and and so you've been living according to this life false Temporal bank account is what I call it like you think you have all these years in the bank account And then it's like suddenly you get like an email from the bank It's like hey, man. You've got you're you're about to overdraw your life account and so yeah, what the fuck am I doing? Like you're right. It's I have this I have in my head a Number that I go easily that yeah Seven a lot of definitely in 777 right my dad 77. I'll make 77 sure and then I go So what if I got what if they what if there was an app like what if whoop could predict? And the whoop is like oh give you a heads up you slept great last night, but you got six months left and You're gonna hit by a car. Yeah, don't worry about you. There's nothing you can change it and you were like Well, then what the fuck do I do I holy fuck do I? Do I finish this tour? Hey, laugh. I had I may not be there Because who knows like what like what but or am I doing what I'm meant to do Am I doing I think I'm doing what I'm meant to do whatever the trauma that happened that makes me love that Transaction more than the things that affect of telling people to joke and making people laugh and bringing joy to people That is in fact my calling and I should be grateful for all the effects that happen to me to steer me in that way Yeah, I should be grateful that no one ever wanted to suck my dick Yeah, of course you I mean everyone I was a great dad of gratitude to those that didn't suck their dick and it's just perspective Wild thought wild thought experiment, but the woman who was sexually assaulted who now is an advocate Has probably helped millions of women deal with their thing right and so she she shouldn't be grateful that that happened to her But she should be comfortable with her path and I'll and and saying I'm doing the right about this How about this is what's so cool about being human as opposed to like a Poodle the your dogs you notice you know, uh, I don't know You know when you have to sneeze and you just sneeze. Uh, you can't really do anything about it. The sneeze just comes out For a dog. I think everything is almost a sneeze You know what I mean like it's a constant like except the sneezes as a bark. Yeah, you know The sneezes of pissing on the floor. Well fall asleep. I'm always blown away about how quick they are fall asleep Exactly, but they're not doing they they're just fully in not not completely but they're fully in this sort of like Automatic mode, right a human what's incredible about us is We a human can take any occurrence any event whatever it may be the classic example that shows up in like existentialist literature is Smiling on your way to the gallows You know, they're about to hang you and you're having a great fucking day and it's like yeah, so fuck you you Have no power over me at all. Yeah, go ahead kill the kill my body I still think I'm noticing how beautiful the sunlight is on the grass this morning or I you know I the clouds look very beautiful today and this is this is sort of the you know think of sycephus Curse by the gods rolls a boulder up a hill has to watch the boulder go back down this philosopher Camus said that The moment sycephus when he gets up to the top of the hill Knowing that boulders could just gonna roll back down again the moment he smiles because he's happy He defeats the gods the gods Couldn't do anything to him because humans have this incredible ability to Turn poison in the medicine or to find within them something that is just going to be Blissful regardless and I don't mean fake blissful or anything, but can connect to this moment right now because this moment right now is Always great and and though I haven't been you know, I've yet to be led to the gallows So I can't speak for that experience. I can tell you like When I didn't know how long I was gonna live It was fine things were fun fine. You know, when my mom died, heartbroken, fine, dad died, heartbroken, fine. So it's like, you, and I don't mean in some sociopathic way. I mean, within the absurdity of the damn thing is that within these moments that you've been dreading, somehow you will find these incredible transcendent glimpses of something that doesn't really seem to be bummed out by catastrophe in the way that, like, you thought you would be. And now that's a long wordy way to. No, no, no. I love, I, I'm stuck. And that's what you are. That's what you are. And that's what I think comes out of you is, it's, it's not some performative fucking asshole. He was like trying to look great for people, but it's sort of vibrant kind of like, you're just in the moment as you. And I love, I love, I love me at my, me, my favorite part of being me is meeting strangers. I really like ordering a coffee from Crystal today. I love, there's no performance in it. I love smiling. And they go, how are you doing today? And I go fantastic. I'm always doing fantastic. How are you doing, Crystal? She goes working. And I said, I'm here to work. I go, all we do is work and take care of our kids. And she goes, I know, and I go, but would, would you want to do anything else? She goes to vacation every now and then wouldn't be bad. And I was like, yeah, but at the end of vacation, it's kind of go back to work, right? And then you're like, why don't you put some money away for my cruise? Yeah. I would love to have Crystal on my cruise. You should give, you should comp around the cruise. I'll tell you what, I'm going to go to the coffee shop at Austin. I should take, I should gift out some crew. Oh, I should gift out some cruise passion. There you go. Yeah. Give somebody to do it. But look, man, I think that you're, like, turns out she's fucking, that always ends bad. Yeah. Not always ends bad. Yeah. Cause they're like, fuck, I didn't mention that I do meth. And you're like, yeah, you don't know everything about Crystal. You don't, that's how she got her name. That's not her fucking name. Dude, yeah, I look, I love the phrase you said, because we're all kind of smiling on our way to the gallows. Exactly. Is smiling on our way to the gallows. Not all of us are, but, but not all of us are. And these days, smiling on the way to the gallows is actually considered a political act. And we'll get people mad at you right now on the way to the gallows are supposed to be really fucking angry and terrified. It seems like if you are exhibiting these traits, it marks you as a piece of shit. You're supposed to be like, absolutely shitting your pants on the way to the gallows. And I'm sure, like, if I was about to get, someone's about to string me up and I see a bird, Chrysher laughing at a bird. I'm going to be like, do you want to stand? We're about to get fucking hung. You know what that does? You ever heard of a hangman's dick? You know your dick, it's hard. No way. Apparently when you hang somebody in their dick, it's super hard. I've listened to so, I was obsessed with the reign of terror in France. I was obsessed with it because it really represented cancel culture to me, like the purest version of cancel culture. Because the person who started it was also the end of it. You mean they killed him? That's how they ended the reign of terror was by killing him. Yeah. And so they, in my head, in my head, I was like, this is a thought experiment. I was like, we got to find out who started cancel culture, right? Yeah. First person to cancel someone and then cancel them. And then the cancel culture is kind of gone now. Well, you do sort of, I have noticed like people who have that in them. It does seem like they like really like back themselves into a corner because like, you know, it's alienate. Like being trying to destroy people's lives or essentially like spreading fear out into the world as your personality. Some people that have that as their personality. That's so bad. You end up getting surrounded by a group of people who feed off of that kind of energy. They like it. It's a human sacrifice ritual. You're kind of like some sort of like participating in like, you know, sacrificing someone. And so you don't want to be surrounded by cultists who love human sacrifice because inevitably they're going to want to put you up on the author and sacrifice you. That's just the way it is. I mean, that's, that's, that's your odds of being human sacrifice. Wow. Directly go up based on the number of cultists you surround yourselves with. You participate in human sacrifice. Here was his name. They got it to be your right. If you spew the hate negativity, that's who gets around you. That's who want the person who want it. That's who you draw into your circumference. It's people who, and they're like, Hey, you haven't done a human sacrifice in a few months. Please burn someone else on the pyre for us. You're supposed to be the number one witch on her. And, you know what I mean, it is, by the way, a lot of what's happening now is so similar to the witch hunts. You know, if you don't vilify the right people right now, in what you're supposed to do, there's a set of people. And this one was hilarious to me. Oh, oh, oh, if I had to pick teams, I'm going with the guys that have underground bunkers. And that's who they have. They all have underground bunkers. You know that, right? Of course. That's like the crazy thing to get. Yeah. And I got access to those underground bunkers now. So why would I not? I'll tell you why you take the hate. Let me tell you what you make sure I can get my family underground. Here's where you don't want it. Don't go in a bunker. Don't go into bunkers. The first time I ever heard of that whole concept of the underground bunkers that everyone's building. And I was like, for real, I'm so far out of the loop. Yeah. Well, this is just something you do. And you have a lot of money as you build your bunker. You want to live forever, which is one of the qualities of like this super wealthy is because they're having such an opulent life. They want to extend their lifespan. This is a classic. I think Peter was one of the first people in front of longevity research. Oh, dude. Yeah. It's a it's a it's a it's a common thing that shows up around like technologists is is because they they're so into systems and Brian Johnson. Brian. I had them on my podcast. Great dude. I liked them a lot. I liked them a lot. And but they want to extend their lifespan, which I think is very similar to when you're on ecstasy. And you start coming down and you make the ratchet mistake of taking another head of ecstasy. Very bad for the great fucking analogy, Duncan. Yeah, they just want to stay. They they want to if you look at this human thing is like the universe snorting a rail of humanness. It's a it's in your having a great trip. Death would be coming down. And you don't want to come down. So by extending the human lifespan, you it's it's basically what happens when you make a ayahuasca versus DMT you extend a DMT trip for five hours instead of five minutes. But it really could be that that what's waiting for us on the other side of the veil here is infinitely better than this thing that we're experiencing right now. It would be nice. It would be nice to know. I was thinking all my deathbed. I was thinking I'm going to just tell everyone there's a god. Just give him solace. My nephew my nephew. My nephew is he he won't hear this. He doesn't watch podcasts. Yeah. He's six, I think. And he he is obsessed with the Dodgers. Yeah. And he came to me and he said, um, do you know any of the Dodgers? And I do. I know a couple of them. And he was like, I said, yeah. And he goes, who do you know? I said, who do you want me to know? And he goes, do you know Freddie Freeman? I go, fuck yeah. He's you know Freddie Freeman? I don't know Freddie Freeman. But he's six, right? So why not give him why not let him believe in God? So I go, yeah, Freddie Freeman that's awesome. And he goes, can you call him on the phone? And I was like, yeah, I'll call him on the phone. And then I just called Leanne's number. No one answered. I hanged up. I go, he's I guess he's with his kid. And he's like, wow. Do you know Otani? And I said, yeah. Yeah. He goes, wait, can you talk to Otani? And I said, yeah, I know Japanese. I'm like, my nephew is like, you're amazing. And I go, I know. And I just left. And I was like, one day he's going to find out I was full of shit. But I don't have to deal with that today. So all my deathbed, my daughters are there. My daughters do not believe in God. My wife believes in a higher power. Yeah. And I'm going to die and go, oh my God. Jesus. It's me. I'll tell them. Jesus is real. He wants you guys to believe in God. And I'm like, I'm coming to you now. And then I'm going to. Great idea. Yeah, right. Great idea. Yeah. The problem is if Jesus does come to you when you're dying now. No, he's going to believe me with mine. No, it's not the joke. I'm going to get a pick. Yeah. Well, listen, I love that you're planning your death. I think that's a really like interesting exercise to do. That's a good thing to do. I love that I ask you that and you go, I don't know what I think about jumping up a building. The, the, I, I, I love, I love that I know you. I'm very grateful when Leanne talks about gratitude all the time. She, I think she overuses the word. I don't think people understand gratitude. I talked to Christina. I think Christina understands gratitude right now because she is on the other side of a really shitty year. - Yes, yes. - As I was talking to her, she was explaining that you were very helpful in that journey. You were like, very beginning, you're like, yo, dah, dah, dah, dah, this is it. And then, yeah. And so I don't, sometimes I say I want to feel gratitude and it doesn't happen. - Yeah. - And then sometimes it does. But the one thing I'm grateful for is, is that period in my life in 2010, 2012, when we all started podcasting. And we all got to know each other. And we all got to hang out a lot. - That was cool. - And it was because I, I really do. I am grateful for my friendship with you. I'm in Georgia called. And I, when I found out that my daughter, that you're her favorite fucking podcast, it brought me so much joy that I had in a very round about way, raised a great kid who, by the way, met someone who's a child, had no idea who she met, and then came around at 20 years old, 21 years old, and found that person and thought that person has all the answers and I love, he makes me giggle, he makes me think he's a, 'cause that's what I felt when I met you. - Oh, thank you, man. - So the fact that my daughter and I would share a view of a person independently is like, it's like fault. It's like, must be like when a son fucks his stepmom and he goes, well, we both love the same lady. My dad loves him, I love him, I love him, I'm not bad enough. - He had to wrap it up with something like that though. - I don't know, I'm still hurt. I can't be fucking numb up. - He can't just say the gratitude thing. You gotta end it on incest. - Incest. - 100%, and man, I love you. I think you're so funny, and thank you for having me on your show, man. - I'm so glad Tom wasn't here. - Well, sometimes I just wanna leave this, Sebastian said something to me the other day. Sebastian, very profound dude. - Yeah. - He said, you know, I'm a quiet guy. I know the day I thought to myself, hey, maybe I'm just boring. And then I was obsessed with the arrogance of boring people to think that they're just quiet. - Oh, wow. - And I was like, that to find Tom Segura. (laughing) - The arrogance of boring. - He's not boring. - I know, I know, I'm just joking, I'm just joking. I love him to death, but I'm going to make you come on my cruise. - Okay. - Yeah, and it's my birthday. It's my birthday. - Happy birthday. - It's my birthday today. - Congratulations. - Send me some love. I don't know, say yourself some love. I'm good. - Send him love, he wants love. - Getting to Tom's comments and say, I like Bert so much, Tom. Thank you for introducing me to you. - Yes, say that exactly. - Yeah. I love you to do that. - No, if everyone just says, say that again, what you just said. - Thank you for introducing me to Bert. I love him so much. - That will be in the comments. You can copy and paste that into Tom. - Tom, just in whatever post Tom wrote. Just go, Tom, thank you for introducing me to Bert. I love him so much. - That's fucked up. That is fucked up. - No one ever says I introduce them to Tom. It's always, do you know what this woman did the other day? - I know, I'm wrapping it up. Do you know this woman did the other day? - What? - She goes, oh my god. I am such a fucking fan. And I was like, oh, thank you. And she goes, my son, I told him you're here. My son said, do not approach him. He is, he won't take a picture with you. But I told him that you seemed like you're in a good mood and it wouldn't be a problem. I said, okay, she goes, can I FaceTime my son? And I go, yeah, she FaceTime her son. She goes, I'm with Tom Segura. And her son looked to the FaceTime. And he's like, it's not that it is. And her poor son was in the FaceTime going, that's not Tom Segura. And I went, what's up, dude? I said, you, and he was like, hi. I go, I'm here with your mom. It's just me, Tom Segura and your mom. And he goes, oh, can I just talk to my mom real quick? - Oh god, that sucks. - Fucking, it was beautiful to me. - Beautiful. - Oh, I fucking, the look on that kid's face. By the way, the only other brother, and this is one of the funniest things. I, one of the funniest things I've ever done, and I'm never gonna stop doing it. Every time this happens, I was at a NASCAR event. Coca-Cola 600. I walk out, I'm walking out of the suite or whatever. I'm getting to the elevator and the suite door opens. Young kid, by 14 years old, comes out and goes, Holy shit, per Christ, where I went, what's up? And he goes, the machine. And he's with his mom. His mom's probably my age and little confused, very pretty. And he was like, dude, can I go a picture? And I go, yeah, and I go, you want me to take shirt off? And he was like, please. And his mom's like, what's going on? I'll take the shirt off. And he goes, mom, and she goes, wait, who are you? And I go, I'm a gay porn star. (laughing) And the, and the kid, Duncan, in the best delivery ever, the kid looks at me, goes, real cool, dude. (laughing) He knew there was no way he was gonna tell us, he got to his mom to believe that I was a comedian who takes his shirt off. It was too much, and he just, now I just got to tell my mom, I watched gay porn. - Real cool, dude. - Real cool. The way he said it, real cool. (laughing) You're the best. - Did you have anything to promote? - When does this come out? - November 3rd, 1972. - Yeah, I'm coming to the, hold on, let me just look real quick, called it one second, I can't remember the name of the place. Lafayette, Louisiana, this week. I just know that's the Baltimore. I'm coming on the top software, permission to party, world to work. And then my cruise, I hope, by the way, we've announced my cruise already, because if not, I just fucking shit the bed. There's no way to edit that out. By the way, hey, guess what? We're announcing the cruise today, all right? - That's cool. - We just announced it. Fuck, I probably should have checked with someone. - What's the name of that club in Tampa? I can't remember. - Sidesplitters. - I'm in Sidesplitters in Tampa. I think that we can, oh, thanks for pulling that up. Oh, wait. - Look at this. - Is that my taste? - This weekend, Richmond Heights, Missouri. - Not this weekend, next weekend. - No, this is this weekend. - This is this weekend. - Oh, this weekend, I'm going to be in Richmond Heights, a helium, I don't think I've ever been there. And then Sidesplitters in Tampa. - The 21st, the 20th, the 22nd. By the way, I'll be in Tampa January 30th. At whatever the arena is called now. - You fucking, you got to say that, huh? - I gotta sell tickets too. - You had to say that. - We all gotta sell tickets, something. - That's true. - I love you to deathly. - I love you too. - Hey, we talking about funeral? - Yeah, I'd be honored. - Thank you. - Absolutely. - That's all I needed to hear. - Pretty busy next year, though. - Wait, hold on. ♪ Bert and Tom ♪ ♪ Tom and Bert ♪ ♪ One goes top and swap the other ♪ ♪ Where's the shirt ♪ ♪ Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance and hell ♪ ♪ They'll keep the clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call ♪ ♪ To bears one cave ♪