Dumbfoundead & The Asian Stereotype

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That's bathmate direct, B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E-D-I-R-E-C-T.com slash belly. Use code BELLY for up to 20% off. Hit bathmatedirect.com slash belly. Use code BELLY and start delivering legendary performances, Luke. The link is in the episode description. Are you auditioning for something? Excuse me? No, I'm not. Hey, who the f*** are you talking to? It's me, Little Mice. Oh. Little Mice, where you been? Hey, boss, I got the drugs in the bag. You got the drugs in the bag? Yeah, did you see Two Time Patch Girl? Yeah, two time, three times. Three times. Three times over here. You guys got a crazy voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Chin Foreface, what's up? Hey, my name Juan. Oh, he ain't even from Brooklyn. No. Where you from? From Utah. What Utah? Is there a Sicily in Utah? It's a Salt Lake City. Oh, it's a Salt Lake City. Same thing, same thing, same thing, same thing. How you doing? Good. What's your name? I forgot. Twinkie. Twinkie? Twinkie, yeah. Twinkie, you know where you're from? Oh, I remember you, Twinkie. I'm Frankie's cousin. Yeah, yeah. What is it, boss? Hey, how you doing? What did you call Twinkie? Call me f***ing Twinkie. Oh, f***ing Twinkie. Oh, you told me you didn't want me to call you that anymore. Oh, that's okay. John Parker. John Parker. John Parker did a round of applause. Woo! Woo! That's my. Author. That's, I don't know. Yeah, I think that's you. That's me? That's you. Okay. Author, that's hilarious. Put the book on camera, Bobby. Why is that hilarious? He's an author. Put the book on the camera, Bobby. And give it a rave review. Well, you got the front, I'll give the back. You got front and back. I'll do the side. Yeah, I'll do the side, okay. And then just open to one random page. Can I read an excerpt? Yeah. Of one of your. May I? Just one, choose a page. Sure. Yeah, I'm going to randomly, and I'm going to do it as a character. I like that, I like that. I'm not going to do Andrew Rice Clay anymore. I'm going to take the glasses off. Can I see them? Can I see the book? Yeah. It's like, it's like him asking the book. It's like saying, you know, can I give you, can you give me the formula of the nuclear bomb? Like, there's just no way you'd be able to understand it. Not a good job. It was okay. It was okay. It was just bottom of the barrel, you know. Can I see the glasses real quick? Absolutely not. Why? Those are like fancy, fancy. They're very fancy. Let's have him read an excerpt. How about that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I pick you the way, I pick you the excerpt. You have to say it as long, as fast as you can. How to roast and read a room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, we would love to learn. I don't know, I don't know those rules. Go ahead. You want me to do a little voice or just my normal voice? Just your regular voice. Your reading voice. Yeah, your reading voice. This is for the audio book we're going to use. Oh, yeah, a higher resonator. Yeah, we're going to use that. That's going to be an 18-hour audio book. One chapter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 24. Spit, A Life in Battles. No, you don't have to do this. I like it. That's a good intro. I like that. For the audio book, right? Yeah, you do it. Available on Amazon now? Are you going to add that? Well, it's because on Amazon. Amazon never. Because on Amazon books, right, they have like a preview. Right? This is a preview. I read books. Jaime, can you just pick a chapter and read a paragraph? Spit, A Life in Battles by Joni Park. It's Johnny, but, you know, it's fine. Oh, Johnny. Joni. A.K.A. Dumbfounded. Third State Books. Page 97. How to Roast and Read the Room. Here's a little thought exercise by Joni Park. What are you doing? What are your top five ways you could insult an Asian guy? I don't know why this has to be the chapter. Wait, this is funny. How to insult an Asian guy? Wait, wait, wait. It's the basic. You literally wrote this? It's a thought exercise. Okay, just keep. Yeah, yeah. More to it than that. Well, I know I'm really interested to learn, so I'm learning. All right, do a thought exercise. Do the thought exercise it's asking you to do. All right, so go to the first. What's the first? Page 97. I'll go to. You want to do a group reading? Yes. All right. Page 97. I can't read to read this. We're all engaged now. This is great. It worked. It worked. Off the first page that he. How do I insult an Asian guy? Okay, let me read it. Go ahead. What? Go ahead. Thank you. Because I'm very curious about these rules. There's no rules. No, no, no. The thought exercise. Yeah, yeah. All right. That doesn't sound like a thought exercise. Just read it. No, no, no. That doesn't sound like a. Does that sound like a thought exercise? It's starting with a thought exercise. No, no, no. Just stop, stop. Let's start. That sounds like a hero. This is how you do it, which is instructional. I don't think that he's going to tell you what to say about an Asian guy. I think it's just. What do you. I'm going to practice. What comes to the average mind. Oh, I'm going to practice. All right. He's not going to be like, call him the C word or call. So let's talk about the average mind. Who has an average mind? I mean, you have the average mind. Yeah. Put the foot down. Put the book down. Put the foot down. Put the foot down and close the book. So if you close this, close the book. OK, and read that first part. No, no. I am going to. OK, cool. But I want you to just judge. OK, to see if this is perfect. A true thought exercise or telling people what to do. Yeah. OK, here we go. If there's a C word or a G word. I don't know what you're talking about with those words. How to roast a room and read them. Can you do it regularly? I'm going to turn my glasses off. I think it's fucking. Good. Good. Could bring a good tone? Yeah. OK. Here's a little thought exercise. Oh, what are the top five ways you could insult an Asian guy? If you're Asian, you probably won't have to think too hard. But if you're not Asian, don't worry. You won't get canceled. Good. OK, good. Already good. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Most likely within your list are the following commonly held stereotypes. Now, this is where I'm going to have a problem. No, no, no. Let's see. So let's see. Oh, let's see. OK. Asians have small. Wait, hold on. Hold on. I thought you're going to try to see if he can guess the ones. Yeah, let's call the top five. What comes to mind? That's the whole idea of the thought exercise. If you're not Asian, if you're not Asian, like what would be the first things you think of? All right. Don't read it, Bob. No, I'm not going to read it. So all right. So here are some stereotypes held by people. And can you name them? Name one, Jaime. Terrible drivers. OK. It's on it. It's on it. Yeah. I'll go for a second. Oh, OK. Rice eater. That's not in there. I like that. It's a global thing. Yeah. Well, that's not too bad, though, because I have been called like a rice picker. Oh, interesting. It's still not. There's no way that would be. You know, that wouldn't be like if Steve Harvey, if Steve Harvey was like Family Feud. Yeah. Yeah. Is it on the board? Like rice picker would not be on there. Cabbage eater. Oh. Yeah. Like Germans eat cabbage. People eat cabbage. Sauerkraut. Yeah. Yeah. It's racist family feud. It really is. What else, Jaime? Jaime, what else? There's five. You got one. There's five, right? You wrote it. I know, and I'm saying how many are there? Yeah, there's five. Small eyes. Okay, that's all in there, but I already said that. Okay, small eyes. What else is small? Something with instruments. Like, they're good with discipline. I thought you were talking about Asian ethic. That's a great compliment. It's a compliment. It's not a stereotype. That's truth. He's also Gen Z, so maybe they don't even know. You know, I have an argument against that. They got updated stereotypes. They're good at TikTok. I don't know, just like. K-pop? See? No. Why don't you guess, George? George, you guess. I was, like, waiting to get tagged in here. Yeah, yeah, go ahead, George. Go ahead, George, you go. You go, close your book, yeah. Wait, good at math. Small dicks. Hold on. Slow down. Slow down, bro. Yeah, yeah. You nailed the mask. Look at that mask. You got two right on the nose. I think that's exactly how I wrote it, too. You know what I mean? Small dicks. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Let's see. Something about yellow? No. Oh, I'm already out? No. You get another shot. This next one is. Classic. I wouldn't say this is a thing, but go ahead. It's. Oh, my gosh. You can't just throw that around. What'd you say? No, no. It's not Asian slur. Stereotype. It's not the list. This is your opportunity to do an Asian slur. Okay. Let's move on. What's the thing? Well, the fifth one is like. We all look alike. Asians all look alike. So that was the idea that, like, I'm setting it up for my experience, obviously, in battles and things I've gotten hit with commonly. And so those are. Well, there are other stereotypes that we have. And like I've said, like, it's obvious because most of the people in this room got it right. I understand. But what was the point of just listing only five. You have to read the rest of the chapter. Oh, you have to read the rest? Come on. I'm going to have to. What? Now I look terrible because that's all I wrote? That's crazy. All right. Go ahead. But it's, like, self-explanatory. You have to know what. You have to anticipate what they're going to say about you already so that you can give something back. Yeah, but I already have 19 bullets loaded. Sure. Every time I meet anybody, I. You hear it in my mind? Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Well, but that's part of it. It's, like, the Eminem eight-mile effect where he went on stage and is like, yeah, I am a trailer trash. I am white. I am, you know, whatever. You call yourself out first. Yeah. It's the tactic of, like, it's comedy, right? Like, you know that. I mean. Do you know it? I know it. I'm kidding. I think you're funny. Very funny. But don't be. But roasting is so. Oh, this is about roasting. Separate, right? Yeah, because, like, I feel like. How to roast and read the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. I feel like there are some really good, like, stand-ups who don't know how to, like, roast, like, at all. That's not, like, their strength, right? Sure. And I don't think you like to roast. You don't ever do those. Andrew and I don't like to roast. Not that we can't. Yeah. I just feel it to be mean. You do it all the time on the podcast. No, no, I don't. Mean? When was he, like. I've never roasted on the podcast. That's insane. You roasted me on and off the podcast all the time. I don't know the definition. What's the definition of roast? You're talking about Kalilah's eyes every podcast. Bobby. They're called truths. Yeah. That's a rogue. That's not a rogue. Oh, so what's the difference between. Observations. An observation. Well, the truth is. What's the difference between observation and a roast? The roasts kind of have to hit after they see you. They're like, okay, this might be a small truth. I think there needs to be some sort of kernel of truth that you can connect. I think what I do, though, is that if I might be. You know, here's another thing. You know, a lot of people think I'm aggressive on the podcast and I'm bullying. That you roast all day. No, I don't roast. You're one of the best roasters in the podcast. I don't roast. Here's a definition of a roast. Yeah, what is the definition? A form of insult comedy where a specific person is subjected to jokes, ridicule, and playful mockery, often with an underlying tone of affection or intended humor. That's like your whole. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's like, yeah. There's love behind it. No, no, let me defend myself real quick, okay? Who just laughed? The guy who said the C word. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I still haven't forgot about that. What? Oh. I can't get it canceled. Hey, look, this is what's funny. You wrote that? We found your audience. I read it. We read it. Well, don't say that. I'm not going to say that one. Yeah, yeah. Here's a roast for you, Bobby. I'll beat your ass like a Korean dad when you bring a B in math. Where's that from? Is this from a movie? It's a line that I got hit with. I'll beat your ass like a Korean dad. Say it like you're roasting me. I'll beat your ass like a Korean dad when you bring home a B in math. And everyone goes, ah! Yeah. Ah! That's what I'm saying. Ah! And then he starts pop locking. He starts doing the robot. That's what they do. That's what they do, right? They don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do me another one. I like this one. Which one of y'all's? Oh, you can read that one. Yeah, you read it. No, no. There's another. Give me a roast. I'm going to. Okay. When it's raining cats and dogs, you run outside with packs of sauce. Oh! Oh! Yo, look at your f***ing moon-shaped Lucy Liu face. Your dick is half-used tube of a toothpaste. And then the head explodes. Well, I understand it now. Yeah. I understand it fully. The funny thing is all those jokes don't work against him. They're not good at all. Shut up, shut up. Here's the thing. Well, you know, if you're reading the roast in a book, it's not going to hit the same when you were there. It's a good book. It's a good book. Thank you. Did you ever even read the book? I read the whole book. No, you didn't. Three times. You didn't read the whole book? I read it backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I want to say is, and I just want to get to this argument, and we can move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is that me and Andrew don't roast, like we've been asked to do roasts on Comedy Central, and it's like, number one, I don't write that way. Yeah. And I think roasts have punchlines in them, you know what I mean? And heavy references. I mean, they're designed, right? I mean, a good roast is clever, you know what I mean? They usually have cultural significance of what's going on now. And I think that, and they're mean. A lot of it's mean. So it's like, for me, it's like I feel bad about it. What I'm doing here on this podcast, and I'm just literally looking at your face. Yeah. You're right. And just seeing what I'm seeing. So what would you say now? I just think that he's, uh. Now, how you doing? I can say it like this, you know? Some people call choking the chicken. That was a friend of mine in the neighborhood. Stroking the pipe. That's another friend of mine. You know, I like the word wank. I feel like it's a little less aggressive. I like spanking the monkey. Hey, baby. What's up, baby? Slapping the salami, baby. Back in my neighborhood, I used to wank the papaya. Oh, my God. I've never heard of that. Hello. 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No, no, but here's the thing. You can just tell, right? You know, the Comedy Central roasts are more prepared. And you look more like a moon than me. Okay, all right. I mean, look at your skin color. You're, I mean, way more moon than me. He just moved on because it didn't hit on Jaime. So he's like, let me move on to this guy. No, but what I mean is there's multiple stars. There's multiple styles, right? Like, you have the Comedy Central. Everyone's prepared, and they're setting it up and doing culturally relevant stuff. But if you're in a room with, like, 12 black dudes, then they're going to, every second, there's a roast. Like, every three seconds. Okay, if I was in a room with 12 black dudes, right? That'd be crazy. I wouldn't say anything. Yeah, what would you say? Nothing. You wouldn't say anything? Yeah, because I don't know the rules. The rules is just everyone's hitting each other jabs every three seconds. If, are they 12 black guys I've known well? Yeah. Then that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be the same. What would be the first one? But two random black guys. Don't walk into a barbershop. From Detroit or, you know, D.C., you know what I mean? And I'm just sitting there, all right, let's do it. I'm not going to say anything. I feel like you would get warmed up and then kind of. I don't think I would get warmed up, no, no, no. No, you don't think so? No, no, no. I told this story the other day. 20 years ago, I was at the D.C. Improv, and I did my show. I walked out. It was the second show, late. And I bumped into this black dude, and I go, and I felt bad, because I think I was kind of more leaning in toward him. I didn't see him. Yeah. Because it was dark. Oh! Wow, that, like, flew over my head. I think it flew over all our heads. That wasn't the story, but, you know what I mean? It didn't fly over my head. Yeah, yeah. I know, but whenever I pause like that, I want to know. Yeah. Okay, guys, you know what I mean? I don't want to feel like it didn't happen, all right? So I bumped into this dude, and, um, and I just instinctively went, I'm sorry, brother. I said, brother. And he turned around, and he goes, I ain't your brother, mother******. Right? And I went, I just thought about it, like, could I ruminate on things? Yeah. All night long, just like, what did I do wrong? What could have been different? I should have just said, my bad, and that's it? Like, I just, it just came out like that, and it had no intention of, you know what I mean? Then I realized, oh, I can't call my black friend's brother. Yeah, he might, he might have added, like, he might have thought you added that in, you know? Just for him. Yeah, just for him. No, but I, have I not bumped into you, George, and said brother? I say brother all the time. It's a SoCal term, SoCal term. Brother. You think it's. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Yeah. Brother. Listen here, brother. Yeah, listen here, brother. Yeah, yeah. What is the equivalent of brother with Asians, then? Asians is. If I was a white guy, I bumped into you, and he said something that would make you snap. What is the equivalent of brother? Uh, uh, I don't know what I'm trying to say. Excuse me, math whiz. Jesus Christ. With that voice, too? Wow. Yeah, excuse me, with that voice. Literally, I would not get mad. Like, yeah, my bad, China, or something, you know, like that. Oh. That'd be crazy. They'd be like, sorry about that, like, yeah, like that, or Hello Kitty, or something like that. China. Sorry, Squid. Oh, oh, Squid Games. You know, that's crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah, my bad, Squid Games. Yeah, yeah. Let me see how I feel that. Is that the same, though? No, that's just like a. That's just like a. Just a very offensive thing, yeah. It's a good piece of work, too. Just a. It's just like, you know. How about if it was something like "Oppa," or. It's like if I ran into the black guy, and I went, "My bad, Blackboard Jungle," 'cause that was a Sidney Paponier movie. Thanks for explaining that. That's what's. Thanks for explaining that, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We, I don't think we would have the same, you know what I mean? Isn't "Brother" universal at this point? "Brother," E-R, is very universal. I did a really hard R. So, maybe that was the problem. "Brother." No, I went, "Brother." That was also 15, 20 years ago. I think things would be different. Yeah. "Brother." 'Cause, anyway, why did I even get into that story? Oh, back to stereotypes and this and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the book. Do you know other. You've seen this? I don't wanna see it. You don't have to see it. Okay, whatever, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't wanna see it. Okay, never mind. But, where are some other. Other stereotypes that you think we have? Well, that's the whole thing about the book I was talking about. 'Cause if Asians look alike, I think it's wrong. No, I think people have said that. People definitely say that. People have definitely said that. Through my wisdom and through my fury, I. Which, I think, to me, it's like every race, if on a show sometimes you get confused. Like, if I watch "Game of Thrones". It's tough. There's a lot of kings and shit that I mistaken for each other. What do you mean? I'm saying it happens with every culture. With every culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I saw Pete Holmes in there, and I thought it was Tucker Carlson. No, I'm not kidding you. With Tucker Carlson. I believe you. Yeah, yeah. He came into the room, and I go, "Oh, my God, Tucker Carlson's here." Yeah, for the longest time, I thought Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel. Like, I couldn't. So, that stereotype of Asian people looking alike is bullshit. Yeah. It's like Zoey Saldana and Thandie. Thandie Newton. Yeah, they get that a lot, too. Like, doppelganger kinda vibes. Yeah, I think all. Margot Rodri. Who? Margot. Margot Qualley and Samantha. No, just let him say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they get that. What'd you say? No, not Margot Qualley. No, no, no, no, don't. Yeah, no, no, no. So, you don't have to. Okay. What'd you say? The girl, the lady from "The Wolf of Wall Street"? What's her name? No, he's just listing credits. Barbie. What? What's her name? What's the name? Something Robbie. Yeah. There you go. And then that lady from "Ready or Not." What's her name? Something. Okay. I don't know these ladies. I understand that, but it's like. Sometimes people confuse you for just the same type of genre of thing you're in. You're right. I just wanna address this real quick. Okay, go ahead, please, please. I'm so sorry. If you don't know what you're gonna say. Just say it. I said it. Look, that's it. Go ahead. That's a good point. You already said it, dude. What I'm saying is. You're right and I'm wrong. People have definitely called you like another Asian comedian just because you guys are both Asian in like the same genre of thing. I'm sure. Yeah, that's happened, yeah. I'm sure they've said like Ken Jeong or this, you know, like. Well, no, I got. One time I got hired. And this is way before like. Internet had just started. And Matt Blake calls me. He goes, "This is a weird one, but they're huge fans and they want you to do this convention in Texas." And I go, "How much is it?" And they gave me, it was pretty good money. And so I go, "I'll do it." The day before the guy, I forgot what company it was. He called me and he goes, "Hey, I just wanna ask, we're excited. You have a Southern accent, right?" And I go, "Oh, you're thinking about Henry Cho." Oh, Henry Cho, yeah. Right, and they go, "Oh, shit." That's crazy. Yeah, we don't want. We're not gonna do it. And I go, "Okay, I get it." That's wild. Yeah. That happens with me and Timothee De La Ghetto. Chalamet? Timothee Chalamet in Dumbfuck. Yeah, me and Chalamet, yeah. Yeah, you're a Chalamet. No, Tim Chantarangsu, Timothee De La Ghetto, you know. Love him. Yeah, but like, it's because we're both in hip hop spaces, like wild ass. You would look. You would look. No thing alike. You look more like Timothee Chalamet. Yeah, you look more. You really do more look like Timothee Chalamet. Yeah, but I get that, just because. Two people that are in like a specific space, you know, like Asian dudes in hip hop or wild and out or whatever. Let me see. I have gotten this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People made a list. Do you guys see these ones? Yeah. Lake Bell and Amanda Peete. I don't think they do not look alike at all. 'Cause Lake Bell is a very specific. They look nothing alike. That's crazy, that's crazy. That's crazy. Oh yeah. Peter Dinklage and Ice-T. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of could see that one. I could see that one. That's for size. Yes, yes. Yeah. That one's really hard. Margot Robbie and Jamie. This one's. Yeah, this one. That's really hard. Like I can see myself go up to Margot Robbie and Sophia. They just have like a certain look. They have a vibe for sure. No, you know, who's the. It's Javier Bardem and that other guy. Yes, that's a hard one. That's a difficult one. Javier Bardem and who? Look it up. Look it up. His like doppelganger. Doppelganger. I could see this like. It's the guy from like. What show? He's in a couple of movies, isn't he? He's in like that. Oh, Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Yes. Oh, Negan. Is he in Watchmen? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy. They do have the same face. Yeah. Well, can you put him back in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. What do we got? Look at that. Bottom line. Bottom line. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So white people, Mexican people, Spanish people, everyone looks alike. Everyone has somebody. To me, that's a really good one. Margot Robbie and Emma Mackey from "Sex Education." Yeah, that's a tough one. Extremely similar. Like, they could be sisters. Yeah, so that stereotype. Let's go back to the stereotype. That stereotype to me is not real. That's what I'm saying, yeah. The Asian people look alike. Well, so if you further read it so it doesn't look like I'm just teaching how to people. I'm teaching people how to roast Asian people. That's what the whole book's about, guys, is Asian stereotypes. I break down how a lot of those things are false. Statistically, too. I actually have facts and historical. Well, statistically, I think the Asian eyes, you know what I mean? Give me the statistics on the Asian eyes. Well, take a look. Wait, well, you didn't memorize it? You wrote it. I didn't memorize the whole book. I want to know statistically Asian horizon. Page 98. As for dick size, AO, a 2015 study published in the BJU International Journal of Urology analyzed 15,000 penises from around the world and determined no evidence that penis size differences were linked to race. Bingo! Thank you for doing the research. And then what else did I say at the end of that? You got some jokes. They don't want to read the punchline. No, read the jokes. Read the jokes. The punchline is, I cannot confirm whether or not it was Asian researchers who conducted this study. Yeah, that's a joke. Sorry. No, that's why I didn't read it. It works better when you read it. Yes, yes. You got to read it on your own. All right. Why don't you write a book of jokes, all right? Your jokes didn't hit earlier, too, all right? Wait, I will say, listeners should keep reading this. It's actually really fun. It really is enlightening. It's fun. Yeah. I'm almost jealous I didn't write the book. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a really good book. It's called Split the Mind. No, it's called Spit. It's called Spit. Sorry, sorry. I didn't read it. I can get glasses. Yep. That's really cool, dude. Go check it out at your nearest Walmart. Your nearest Amazon.com. It's available at Barnes & Noble. I'm really, I'm very proud of you because I've been working on a book for a decade. It's still not even finished. There's a mention of you, too, in there. What page is it, Bobby? No, the same small dick section. Come on, that one should have gotten an O. I know, but it hurt, too. Actually, did you mention Bobby in this, NL? I did. I mentioned something about me having a list of petty things I keep, like a list. Oh. And him talking about me never being an action star, I put it on the list. Nice. I mentioned one time. And you're mentioned as some Asian pioneers that I talk about. There's a lot of Asian American history. He talks about Sun Kang here. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I talk about you, too. For how long? There's a good three mentions of you throughout the book. But is there a paragraph? There's no paragraph. Yeah, yeah. Ali Wong had a paragraph. No, Ali Wong, I don't think, is mentioned in the book. No, but for me, in her book, I was a paragraph. Oh, you were a whole paragraph? Yeah, yeah. And I. That's crazy. Just mentions? I mean, mentions are stronger than a paragraph, you know? Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I mean, because, you know, we're brothers. You're mentioned in the book, 100%. All right. I'll mention you in my book. All right. What would your book be about, actually? My life story. Your whole life story. I just said that. Just said that. No, because that's a good point. Your whole life or just a part of your life? What is going on here? Because here's the difference. Honestly, what is going on here? What's my life? So mine is a memoir. Memoir focuses on a period of time. Like, it doesn't follow me all the way until right now. Do you know what I'm saying? So that's an autobiography. A memoir is a story. Ask me again. Okay, what would your memoir be about? My life story. Say what you're saying. What would your book be about? My life story. Okay. And then you said your whole life story? A whole life story. But that's what I meant. It's a memoir. It's not your whole life. I have a joke. Okay, your whole life story? Yeah. No. How did you get confused in your own book? I know, because he kept, he didn't understand it. I got to get it out. No, but I did explain. I have a tick. No, do it again. Okay, what would your book be about? My life story. No, October 12th, 2012. All right. I know, but if you had. Yeah. Do the thing. Because it's too many 12s. I would say, I would really. I think you should write a book, Bobby. I think you should write a book. I am writing one. Are you? Yes. Autobiography. An autobiography. Oh, I didn't know that. One word per day. One word per day. I do one word per day. If you had to do a memoir, what part of your life would you write a whole book about? A memoir. Well, there's chapters. There's chapters to my, you know, probably, if I were going to do it, I would do it like an era. Where would it end? What's the most iconic? Well, it's not done. No, I'm just saying, like, there has to be a stopping point because you can't keep writing about what's currently happening today. Mine ends in the late 20s, just to clarify. I think by the time I finish the book is that time. Oh. I see. Like, I'll write it the last thing. Currently, this is the last. The last line is like, I'm currently this old and doing this. How many mentions does Johnny get? How many mentions? Kalilah's obviously number one. I think Kalilah's a chapter. That's a chapter. I have a chapter about a girl in my book. Is that the one you wrote back and forth with? Yeah, yes. Oh, I love that story. I have a part about visiting Korea for the first time, meeting a girl. No, no, no, no, no. How many times has Steffi mentioned? She hasn't mentioned about a song, and I put her in a song, like, subliminally. She should have a chapter. Okay. All right. Okay, cool. And Rick? Is Rick in it? Rick has a section in there, too, because— Who's the most mentioned? Again, let me guess. My dad. No, let me guess. Anderson.Paak. No, he wrote the foreword. Of course he wrote the foreword. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my dad is the first chapter, and I feel bad because I said a lot of things about him that if he actually read it, like, if it was translated, it's pretty deep stuff. Would it break him a little bit? I mean, I don't speak highly of him in the book, so I conflicted with that part afterwards. I was like, is this— When he read it, was he mad? He's never read it, and I haven't even— Why has he never read it? Because first, it's an— It's in English, and his English isn't that great. Second, I haven't— It's a little tough because there's a lot of details of, like, growing up with him, you know, the abusive parts, stuff you've talked about. But, like, your dad wasn't like— Was he listening to your podcast and stuff when you were talking about him? He doesn't know— My dad didn't know what show business or what music was. Yeah. I mean, there's, like, you go to a mall and something would be playing. It's almost like white noise or whatever. They don't register it. They don't like it. I already told you a million times what the first song you ever fucking listened to. Yeah. Yeah, so it's like— But what if somebody actually translated all the stuff you've said about him on the pod, like, directly to him, explained it? Would he be hurt by that? He wouldn't even understand, I don't think, what I was even saying. He'd be going, oh, good, very good. You're a piece of shit. Ah, good, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So good. You're going to hell. I like, I like. Yeah. He doesn't know. There's, like, no— I do wonder if this was translated, he read it in Korean, if it would hurt him. You know? Right. It probably will, a little bit. Yeah, there's details. But is it the truth? Yeah, there's details about an affair. There's all these things that I, you know. And Koreans don't like all their business broadcasted like that. I do. I do. I think everyone likes to debate more than ever, or be contrarians. Everyone loves to battle, like a life in battle. But the problem— Yeah, that was— Go back to the book. That wasn't it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. No, no, no. You battle a life in battle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Don't be doomed. Do you think this is— I mean, this is healthy. I do feel like— Battles. Well, I do feel like I have become quite the contrarian all the time. Like, when somebody has a point of view, in the pod. You know, I'm always, like, wants to be the opposite end, debating things. And I don't know. Yeah, but there also is— The truth is the truth. Yeah. And when people can't believe in the truth anymore— That's scary. That's the scary part. It is. It's happening. No one can believe anything now. And it's like, these are a pair of glasses. Very expensive. And, um— To the battle. The battle. Go back to the battle. Up and down. It's like, even what's being argued, that one plus one isn't two, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's an argument. Yeah. People are like, no, one plus one is not two. Yeah, yeah. Like, the argument of— I mean, I hate to get political, but— That's a real argument. That's a very good— That's a real argument. Mathematical argument. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hair for your hair. You guys. Hems offers convenient access to a range of prescriptions, hair loss treatments, with ingredients that work, including chews, oral medication, serums, and sprays. Doctor-trusted ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil can stop further hair loss and re-go hair in as little as three to six months. You've got way better things to do than sit in a doctor's office talking about your hairline. That's why Hems offers access to expert-backed hair loss treatments entirely online, and you shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. Hems brings expert care straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatment plans that put your goals first. 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Comes a new movie called Normal, a double-barreled shotgun blast of pure mayhem for Sheriff Ulysses, played by Bob Odenkirk. A new job as temporary sheriff in a quaint town of Normal, Minnesota, was meant to be a welcome respite from recent troubles. But when a botched bank robbery interrupts a piece, a dark secret is exposed and Ulysses discovers that the town is anything but its namesake. And suddenly everyone is trying to shoot the sheriff and he has to rely. On his wits and some crooks, if he is to survive the night, then that's all before the Yakuza, the Yakuza, show up. Starring Bob Odenkirk Henry Winkler And Lena Headey See it only in theaters Starting April 17 What did you guys Think of the trailer? I thought the trailer Was great I think that he's on a roll And Magnolia Pictures Is a great production company I don't think You can go wrong with it So it looks great Looks amazing Yep Check it out I had a North Korean dude On my podcast And he was saying That's not an insult I've never met a North Korean That would be a battle line That I would use against me He said that One plus one In classrooms in North Korea Is just bigger one That's what they said He learned growing up One plus one is bigger one Wait, wait, wait One plus one is bigger one Just larger one Depending on where you learn math Changes your whole life trajectory Holy fucking blah Did you not read Malcolm Gladwell And like how Like math is taught in Asia Versus how math is taught here Okay, teach me the Asian math I forgot I was raised in Asia But somehow I've forgotten But I think that it Yeah, it changes the way Like society is even built Like agriculture Like everything, right? Yeah, it was like How you count in Chinese Is automatic math Like it's 20 plus 2 It is 22 So you know like addition A lot easier Oh, 20 plus 2 is 22 That's a lot easier That is true Yeah That is true That's very interesting Do Hispanics have a certain way To do math? Yeah Tell me Like in Mexico They'll do like Like the fruits Oh, instead of numbers They just use fruits They use fruits Yeah, what kind of fruit? Oranges Papaya Yeah, yeah, yeah Pineapple Pineapple No, I don't know Did you make that up? Signed on my ass Yeah, we knew you made it up You didn't trick us Yeah, yeah I've never seen that I've never seen A Mexican guy on the ground going Mango They use Uno cards I got one here They use Uno cards That's three What? Uno cards Oh, shit, skip I gotta skip Oh, yeah I don't know I didn't grow up in Mexico We understand that You grew up in Texas What's the highest math you've gone to? I think I stopped at pre-algebra My senior year in high school I walked into my math class And guess who was in my class? My brother And he was a freshman Wow You were in geometry then Yeah In your senior year I don't know And I go, what are you doing here, Steve? My brother goes, what are you doing here, Bobby? And I go, I really do bad at this You know this That's hilarious Yeah, so I was in with a bunch of freshmen Oh, my gosh Yeah, yeah, yeah I mean, there you go But we sat next to each other It was a blast We would draw little figurines Was he a better student than you? Yeah, way better Yeah, he went to college Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah He also said freshmen Yeah, yeah, yeah Freshman's English was also very strong Freshman It's freshman's Yeah, yeah There's a plural There's one person that shows up Hi, I'm a freshman Okay, I can't wait to I'm the only one I can't wait to read your book Pick me up, Gilbert Back me up, Gilbert That makes sense It makes sense All right Sophomores I shouldn't talk My English is not great No, mine's terrible Yeah, yeah, yeah Mine's terrible It's weird that you would correct me on that It was just funny at the time Cute Pre-algebra Yeah, yeah I think I did better than you Yeah I think you did Yeah What was the geometry? Is that after pre-algebra or no? Wait, did you then No, geometry is before Yeah I went before Did you then get your GED? No Oh, you don't have You have no I dropped out of 10th grade And my parents didn't even know I dropped out for another two years Wow How did you fake it? I would wake up Put on my backpack Go to the bus stop And just go chill At some friend's house For like an extra two years And just smoke weed, yeah Yeah, yeah Old friend Yeah, yeah You know, my younger sister Dropped out too So we're both high school dropouts Well, we have two We have two different Korean kinds of parents then Yeah, there is, yeah Yeah, yeah There's two types You know what I mean? Because if I dropped out Of high school You would not see me here right now You're gone, brother I would They literally would have killed me Oh, you think so? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, wow Yeah, yeah I would just be in a mine somewhere In like North Korea Like shoveling I don't know But labor camp? Yeah If I dropped out There was just no possibility I mean, because I was I was using drugs Sure And they would throw me into rehab As soon as I was in rehab The next day I was back in school Damn You know what I mean? There was no like You have to graduate But they didn't care about college They were just like High school at least They just knew college Wasn't in the future Oh, okay Yeah, yeah But in terms of high school That was their bottom line Damn I don't think a high school Diploma means much To a Korean family I feel like college Is always the focus A little bit, you know? Yeah, but you didn't Even go to that Yeah, I did You know what I mean? That's insane to me It is insane Yeah, yeah, yeah You ever just think about Like getting your GED anyways? Just to be like Why? Because you don't need it You don't need it, really I mean, you don't But I'm just saying Like Well, you're not gonna need College anymore No, I know you're right AI? I think that's a dead institution Chat GPT? Unless you're a genius Or like you need to be Be a doctor Go to college, right? Yeah, or you're like So smart you go to MIT Or whatever I think maybe that will help I don't know much All right George, when you look at me You look as if Like I don't know anything What are you talking about? You're like Here he goes again What are you thinking? Here he goes again Here he goes again Wait, where did you graduate, George? Which one? Ivy League Ivy League? Michigan undergrad Columbia University Oh, wow Wow Isn't that interesting? You work for me Just doing geometry In high school Yeah, yeah My pod producer My pod producer Is a Harvard graduate This 23-year-old Is a Harvard graduate You are so right Like a high school dropout And a college Like dropout Like the two richest people In the room Yeah I mean, that should tell you something He has a higher tax bracket Than I do That's not true That's definitely true No, that's definitely true That's not truism And that's what I'm talking about Earlier Oh, truth I did love that My pod producer Is 23 Recent Harvard grad Yeah And I was like, damn Like, you work for me Yeah, because I just Power trip Like I said, I think The institution is dead Unless, you know what I mean You're a genius Yeah But even genius And genius is like Mark Zuckerberg dropped out Yeah, the richest people Dropped out of Harvard Yeah, but then he stole Facebook, so Oh, you saw the movie Oh, here we go You saw the movie Now time for Jaime's conspiracy Yeah, yeah, yeah Go ahead, give your When you go to Harvard You get to steal A lot more expensive things Oh, he's saying the access Yeah He has access To the smartest mind What was the original Facebook? One with two twins Myspace Myspace, no No, then it makes sense The guy who did Napster Was that guy Sean Yeah Friendster He's going to school And steal stuff then Yeah I have a lot of Like stuff in the book About scamming And stealing it too What's the story That you This is bad When I was like 12 years old I would go into Apartment buildings And go to the laundry room And steal clothes Out of the washer and dryer While they're washing You know, this has happened to me Oh, you're the guy We would call it We would call it laundry shopping Yeah, we would do this Well, okay Because I was I've had my shit stolen Out of the laundry I'm like, dude I'm the poorest person here Like, this was when I was like Broke too That's why we felt like Pieces of shit Because we're not necessarily Stealing from the rich We were just going to like Regular places In our neighborhood This is another thing We would do We would order a pizza Yeah To an apartment building And the car would Double park in front And they would go to the intercom And then we would sneak Into his car And steal the remaining Pizzas on his route Wow Wow Is that in the book? Yeah, that's in the book Oh, yeah, yeah That's good stuff You've never had to steal food, Bobby? No, but what I would do I've talked about this before Is I would gather a dollar You know what I mean? By looking at quarters Oh, quarters Yeah, yeah, yeah I'd go in the street Try to find quarters Yeah You know what I mean? And I gotta get a dollar And once I get a dollar Then I can get a BRC At El Pollo Loco That's so good Yeah, yeah I used to Remember when the self-checkout Wasn't quite like It had just first been established Yeah Like, there were Yeah There were There were There were There weren't that great yet Oh, my gosh I would walk in My sister and I Would walk into Albertsons With already, like An Albertsons bag And we would just Stock it up with, like Blocks of cheese Yeah And just, like Charge a banana Yeah, charge a banana And walk out of there It doesn't feel That guilty When you're stealing From corporate America, too It doesn't No, it doesn't Stealing from people's Private No, no, no Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Stealing somebody's Hard-working You know what I mean? And I said I was a little The last And I remember What was stolen from me, too Like, I had, like Really spent Like, I had saved So much for my Victoria's Secret panties Yeah And those were the ones That were stolen And, like, my padded bra Those were stolen I wasn't stealing that But I was stealing, like You sicko, dude Yeah, yeah, yeah I was smelling wet panties No Yeah, yeah, yeah I was Back in the day It was, like, FUBU And, like, streetwear clothes That was really popular During that time And I cared about Fat farm jeans And stuff like that But why didn't you Just steal it like I did? So, one of the big things When I first came to America Was I really wanted Like, a FUBU jacket Because, to me That symbolized Like, the most American Yeah, sure Like, high school High school thing And I stole from the mall I got a FUBU jacket And as soon as I went home I looked at the tag And it said Made in the Philippines And I was like Oh Like, that realization I'm like This isn't what I thought it was What did you think it was? The most Like, American I just wanted to be American Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah And I was like Oh, my auntie probably made this With her tired hands Yeah But But could Good quality But it was fun Those were such That was such a fun time To like It was With all the brands Like, exploding Can we talk about the FUBU brand? Yeah, it was supposed to be four-ounce buyouts, right? Can I talk about the FUBU brand real quick? I used to wear it. What? I used to wear it. I have never bought a FUBU. Okay. It did not look good. To me, let's be truthful, right? To me, it felt like it was low style. Like low life? No, not low life. Did I say low life? No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't like that. I didn't like Von Dutch. Okay. That's making a comeback. I know it's making a comeback. Thanks, you owe me soda. I said it too. That was very good. I'm surprised you didn't like Von Dutch because I feel like Golden Goose is like Von Dutch for your feet. I think so. That's how I look at it. What about Ed Hardy? Never did Ed Hardy? No. Affliction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I did? You know what I did? With the fleur de lis? You know what I did do? What? A lot. I don't know why. Diesel. No fear. Oh. Wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I want to defend you with a no fear stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The no fear stuff was actually like a lot older in the 90s and kind of, it had its cool moment. Okay, good. Yeah. Did you do vision street wear? I did some vision. Okay. I did some vision. Anything with skate culture, I would do. I could see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when it came to hip hop culture, I just never, because it just didn't look good on me. Like if I wear an Arsenal jersey, I don't look good in them. Well, you weren't also like a hip hop head, right? So you were more rock. Yeah, I'm more of a rocker. So I had more like dirty jeans. Wait, what are you doing? I think that's just the garbage being grown. Did you ever do Fat Farm? I loved. What is the, what's Fat Farm? Or Echo. Russell Simmons' clothing brand. Oh, no, no, no. No. But you did like Billabong or something, right? Or like Billabong. Yeah, I don't like the way you said Billabong, dude. Billabong. Yeah, yeah. Early Stussy, probably. Early Stussy, maybe I would do. I feel like Early Stussy was really cool. Yeah, that was skating surf culture. Yeah. But I had, you know, I had a style that, I was more vintage clothing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I would get a cowboy button up. I used to wear cowboy hats. I did too. I was cowboy. Yeah, yeah. I wore cowboy boots. I loved always like how like Johnny Knoxville dressed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was always a fan of his. I always liked that. He was like a fashion icon to me when I was growing up. Yeah, I was more of a vintage clothing store guy. Okay. I'd get a cool, funny, cartoony shirt that was ripped up a little bit. And I did that vibe. I never did the brands. As I get older, you know. I feel like you still do, no? Now I do. What is that? Balenciaga. Balenciaga. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. You're going Balenciaga now. And made worn. So, you know, now that, you know. When you get a hint of like designer, do you feel like, okay, these do kind of feel a little better? Do you get that hint? Well, I'll be honest with you. He did it again, by the way. Who? I'm going to tell you the story. He did it again. And I love this man. He's one of my favorite people in the whole world. Yeah. But so when I was in Hawaii, first of all, why is there so many Montclair stores in Hawaii? They don't need to be there. It's winter clothing. Yeah, yeah. That is crazy. Really weird. There's a North Face. It's like, what? No, because that's what it is. Where are we going skiing, guys? Stone Island for no reason. It's like. Stone Island. Waikiki was. Canada Goose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all that up there. It is. It's crazy. And so like Waikiki was made. And they all repeat, right? Like every block is like another Montclair shop. A Montclair shop. Why? It was literally made for rich Japanese tourists. Oh, I see. Yeah, and then. They don't have Montclair's in Japan? I'm sure they do. Yeah, but why would you go to Hawaii? Because it's like, you know, people like to blow money on vacation. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay, so I went into a Montclair shop. And I haven't bought a Montclair jacket in many, many years. What's so funny? You just said, why are there Montclair stores in Hawaii? And that's where you buy them. Yeah, you seem like very judgmental. You're the tourist that's buying up these Japanese stores. Yeah, what the hell? I honestly think like Waikiki was like made for you. Yeah. You are the Japanese tourist they're trying to attract. The fit, it actually fits. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Why is there like a long camp? I gotta defend myself. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, no, no, no. Okay, so. You're reevaluating. I'm not going to reevaluate. I know what I'm going to say, okay? So, it's your fault. Mine? Specifically? Yes. Why? Nice. Because your brand, right, is at the Sephora. Across the Montclair. What brand, Kalilah? Ebb Ocean. Ebb Ocean. All right. So, this girl that I'm seeing, I go, let's go to the mall. I wanted to check out Sephora to see your installment. It's beautiful. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. So, we went to see the installment before we went the second time when I met you. Yeah. Right? And I looked at it and some of it was like sold out. Yeah. I was so excited. And I walked out of the store. I go, there's another Montclair. And then she says, what is Montclair? I go, they just do winter jackets. Right? Yeah. And then we walked in there and I bought one. But it was a thin spring one. Did you see that one I was wearing the other day? No, I didn't. Yeah, yeah. It's really cute. It's really quality, too. It's quality. Yeah, yeah. And so, I went to the comedy store wearing it. Right? And David Spade had done this before. Yeah. Oh, he did it again. He did it again. Right. So, he came up to me, took his finger and goes, oh. And he put his finger around the logo like this. Hello. Yeah, yeah. Right? It was so strange. And I looked at him and I'm like, hi. And that was the exchange. Wow. Yeah. But it's like, so, you know, sometimes I will do, but I'll tell you what I won't do. Louis Vuitton. Yes. Is that too obviously? Why'd that clap? You don't like it? Nah. It's overrated. That's very good. Thank you. What's the most expensive brand you would, like, you wear? Zara. Do you have, like, a vice? Zara? Yeah. I'm not. You don't got a taste for the finer things? I don't have money for it, so. I know, but if you don't. If you were going to, though. No. Like, if I gave you. $10 million. And I told you, go buy a brand thing. A brand? Yeah. I don't know. I don't look. I don't. Do you have a thing that you're into? Like, cars? No. Stuff? No, nothing. He likes food. I like food. I like steak. So what food would you have? Would you drop a. You drop a bag on food. Like a. Like a nice Wagyu. Yeah, you like Wagyu. Oh. Very good. Yeah. That's 80 bucks. What else are you going to do with all this money? He likes branded food. Yeah, good branded food. Caviar. A little caviar. $10 million. I don't know. Like, if we were going to go, hey, what, okay, we're at the mall, right? And we're like, and we're at a high-end mall, and there's a Gucci, Louis Vuitton, there's a Golden Goose, there's a, you know, just a variety of high-end fashion. I have to buy a high-end? And I'm like, which one would you go into, and what would you buy? Neither. Shoot. I'll give you an option. Oh, okay. You have to. I was going to say, you knew Cleo, but. You knew Cleo? What is it? You knew Cleo. Yeah. That one. I was like, nuclear. I like new Cleo. It's cute. Yeah, nuclear. No. Nuclear. You knew Cleo's cool. You walk out with a nuclear bomb. There's a war going on. That's so stupid. That's so stupid. Yeah. He's got some sea mines. All the things you would need. A rocket launcher. So, is nuclear, what is it? Uniqlo. Oh, yeah. I know Uniqlo. I know Uniqlo, right? Do you like Uniqlo? I feel like you dress you. Is that considered high-brand? High-brand, though. No. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying high-brand. It's like, yeah. Okay. I guess Gucci. Okay. And what would you get? We went in there. What would you buy? Slippers. Okay. All right. That's pretty good. Yeah. I think you have a pair of those. I have a pair of Gucci slippers. Yeah. Yeah. That's a very good buy. Very good buy. Go buy them. So, go take them to Gucci, man. You want some Gucci slippers? I'm not going to wear them. You're never going to wear them? No, no, no. That's the thing. People buy stuff like this, and they don't wear them. You wear that shirt, what, twice a week, maybe? Dude, I've seen this fool. I've seen this fool wear a full-blown Gucci suit. I mean, you know. I like designer stuff. Like a suit. For a week? Not for a week. You don't have to wear the thing every day. This is not a thing where you have to, like, eat. It's not Soviet, like, you know what I mean? But it does feel like a waste to buy an extravagant designer piece, because you cannot wear that. No, that was from a Gucci. That was from a Gucci gala. They dressed me. I know I look like a weird villain in this. I don't know what I look like. Ah, I killed a vampire. Did you beat James Bond in this? Yeah, no, no, no. Did you fight John Wick in that outfit? I'm a villain in a K-drama. I don't like this. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy, but it looks good on you. That's a great suit, though. That's a great suit. I do like that color a lot. And that's Gucci? Yeah, they dressed me, but I didn't like this suit necessarily. Did they give it to you? No, they just styled me for this. I was plus one for Anderson on this Gucci. Gucci gala. Without Anderson, how many events would you not be invited to? Let me ask that question. How many events would you not be invited to? I'd be invited to events, but not at the caliber of his events. Not this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the Leo boat, you know. Yeah, yeah. That, no. I would not be invited to that. Yeah, because I wasn't invited. Yeah. Maybe a carnival cruise, but not that Ritz-Carlton yacht. What's a carnival cruise? That's like a family. The opposite of the cruise you took. Oh, the one I took. Did you take a good cruise? Like a crazy cruise? I did a stand-up on a cruise. All right. How was that? Not carnival. Not carnival. How was that? It was good? It was good to be around some friends. I think I hung out with Nick Schwartzen the most. Like every day we would have lunch and dinner. Nice. Yeah, I said that was nice to bond with him. But yeah, would I do another cruise again? Probably not. I can't imagine a cruise being fun like that. No, this one I feel like, I look like a magician. What brand is that? That was nothing fancy. Okay. Yeah, that suit wasn't that fancy. I tried to add a little bandana around my neck to give it a little twist. Yeah. Is that chest hair? No, it's your tattoo. No. Yeah, it's not. Nice clap. But for me, it's like when I get a suit, I go to Jimmy Ong's. And Jimmy Ong's only, you know Jimmy Ong? Yeah. What is it? He's that. a shirt the guy the little people yeah little people little people suit plays oh really you have to do that okay what do you mean i have to do that i was like is that your fit that's green we all do it oh okay oh really oh yeah yeah he has headshots of all the people you know i mean yeah peter dinglish everyone's on there yeah yeah man and uh and i go in there and he's that guy you know i mean he's the asian tail yeah and i don't know he if he has gucci there oh you know i mean i think he makes his own clothes yeah i'd like to see you in like a prada suit like bobby dressed as john mccain oh wow that's not john mccain he looks like roy choi right there yeah yeah but the rest high that's not that's not john mccain i just never seen you wear a suit the asian also you used to go to asian excellence awards and stuff i hosted really long oh you did twice in the back jc penny used to throw an asian excellence yeah that's a good brand you also go to paul smith to get suits sometimes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and you'll throw like a trucker cap on i know your style yeah yeah it's not anymore but yeah hey would you ever would you ever um go to houston and get a grill oh johnny dang no no i wouldn't no for real yeah i think that you know if i ever acted again that's a difficult thing to like um act commit to commit to you mean act no no no no stop stop stop stop okay what do you think that i mean by act i didn't say nothing about acting no okay let me let me correct this let me translate here can you translate so you're saying committing like and grills are all in the book it's another battle it's another battle it's another wisdom book you're assuming grills are permanent they're not permanent you take them on and off oh then i would get a grill yeah oh i thought they were like lasered in or not okay i actually like those um and more girls get them i like the like the tooth gems a tooth gem yeah i could see you yeah you can see me with a tooth gem yeah i've seen stuff and just glitter all my face i've seen stuff so i look like xenu they're cute though and i hang out with tom cruise i'm xenu there you go yeah yeah yeah you can get like a fang yeah i don't do that that's not my thing that's fubo for me that yeah yeah that's fubo you should you should get one when you're in houston are you going to houston yeah yeah i'm going to houston tomorrow yeah yeah i last night i did a show for uh my friend dave and um it was a so sobriety show yeah and there's this guy named steve poke he's a musician and i've seen him for 35 years yeah he's from san diego but he's a great magician and he used to be in a band called the rug burns and i saw look up steve poke and this is pretty much when i'm his age gonna be my style but like i i already know my future style based on my look but you don't know your future body do you need future body for that yeah i think that you know like certain stuff like yeah like this like look at my stage yeah but you are in the future where you should start styling yourself like that that kind of look a hat long hair it's like very la yeah but what future are you talking about this is the time to do it i'm doing it now okay good you should get like a fancy hat you know yeah yeah no no no what by the way it's like such a common la look but it's a good stylish gentleman yeah yeah before no but you have to put you have i think that when i'm set what are you looking at alex you haven't said anything to me today you've just been staring i'm looking all around i'm side-eyeing quiet listening yeah yeah what the fuck is your problem today i was looking at the pictures of steve pulse oh okay we have a little monitor oh who's the best dressed comic who's the best dress oh i could tell you right now dude i gave you the top uh john mullin top three oh but that's yeah yeah yeah i think the best dressed comic right now it's mark maron oh that's actually a good take dude everything he's wearing yeah right is high end but looks kind of raggedy but if you turn it around it's something he's it's just relaxed he's like silver legs addy right like silver yeah yeah so i think mark maron there's also like you know like if you were to take a survey of women and he would be number really hottest male comic that's interesting yeah mark maron is the hottest male comic yes yeah by a long shot um uh fashion wise i would say kat williams kat williams yeah he does stand out yeah with i would i couldn't wear it but there's just something sometimes he's like you know i mean got a native vibe going or right right you know what i mean right sometimes yeah mystical i love mystical blacks those are my favorite ones who's the worst who's the worst dressed i mean that's a mystical black oh that's kind of that's a mystical black dude that is fire yeah yeah he's not illuminati you know what i mean you know what i mean just dresses like it i do like when bobby's dress actually like tries you know what i mean he wore he wore like a vintage shirt denim jacket and some like non-jogger pants non-jogger like when he's wearing joggers i'm like he's not you know that's his blind spot you're so right that's his blind spot lately is the joggers i'm not a fan of the joggers what's a jogger it's tapered it's like tapered sweatpants you know i don't mind this zoom in that's like goat that's different though those are not joggers i'm saying they're jogger-esque but you know what i mean when oh no joggers yeah but you know when they're like the sweat elastic you mean what he's wearing right now yeah what he's wearing right now let me see no no these aren't even joggers okay does he wear those aren't joggers those are straight you know on the bottom when there's like that that uh collar almost like around your ankle it's like it looks cheap okay okay i'm gonna say this right now okay that i realize that so i have been wearing i haven't been wearing joggers in a while you've been wearing straight i've been going straight and almost poofy out yes i want i want you to go i have been doing that okay right so what one self-reflects yeah one grows and one evolves i think your final blind spot is the golden goose wow wow it's a blind spot what do you think is a good shoe that's his because i think bobby has impeccable style and when i look at his closet i'm like oh my god he takes risks it's so cool like yeah you're such a fashion icon the golden goose is like drive me mad because i feel as though like it's a very like millennial girl brand but maybe you're like i'm femme no it's not your femme maybe here by like you know like being a golden goose stan because you do wear them well i think maybe i'm just like swayed by the whole like you know millennial woman love for it you know style kind of like that like catherine blanford's kind of uh she's a good style she has kind of a great i like that style she's like the girl that i'm seeing has that style oh really yeah of mitch match clothing you know i mean camo pants yeah it's like a shirt that doesn't but somehow it works it's what i call it eastern european clothing but also they're just hot chicks they are they are hot so it's like anything looks good like the girl you're seeing you could put anything on her she's tall she's beautiful like anything would look that's a good point yeah catherine blanford same thing right like they're in that helps a lot it helps a lot oh does it help a lot yeah okay it's like adam sandler you know because he's at he's adam sandler so you could wear anything yeah but no like judge his style well people like still love his style you know yeah yeah it's an interesting style it is yeah i'd like to talk about worst dressed comedians but let's go back here's another one and you may like them or not i love them but dean delray you said worse no best i gotta see the style i got i don't know there's a lot of maid worn right and like uh japanese velvet yeah so so i learned from kevin christie and dean delray kevin christie dress as well yeah about um you know i mean about raw denim i learned from kevin christie yeah you mean so you know you learn let's go average i like average brian williams he's pretty good that's it it doesn't have a lot of options average average uh i mean he's got to go to kids gap think about what he has to do he has to go to in the kids gap yeah right but he can't wear the like you know i mean the miniony you know in pajama so he has to go like he has to go to certain sections of you know i mean and then he has to have a lot of things tailored to him yeah right so that's a terrible i love him but for what he's given and i could say that about myself if anyone doesn't know brad williams is a dwarf a little person and but i i also look at my own body and go what what you know i mean i would love to have look great in a black suit and look like daniel day lewis but it should be i just don't have a thin white it should call body for that type of it's it's it's less fabric it should be cheaper it's not cheaper it's not children's clothing are the most expensive things you'll ever buy but i remember getting jordan like jordan's if you got the kid size it was like cheaper than the adult size really because the brand oh my god if when you when you have a kid when you have a kid you guys are gonna freak out because there's so many great kids brands like mini rodini and like one shirt's like 200 bucks but then i buy it i buy it it's so exciting because there's so many cooler options for kids yeah i'm never gonna have kids with that can't wait till it happens yeah yeah i don't think you'll ever have my kids who knows i do if i gotta go pregnant i'd just be like and i'd be like you know what i might roll with you know you know what you're right i roll with upsetting me why because i want you guys to not just roll with it no no no no i'm not that's not what i mean what do we roll with it what do you mean supportive partner through pregnancy through postpartum i know that you guys are good guys i don't want you to just roll with it that's all that's my take okay you know what roll with it means i don't want you to just roll with it i don't want you to just roll with it i don't want you to just roll with it i don't want you to just roll with it i don't want you to just roll with it means i don't want you to just roll with it i don't want you to just roll with it that you're just gonna be like okay cool let's keep it i'm not like you know what i mean like no i'm in it yeah we're in it that's what i mean that's what i mean by rolling in it i'm rolling in the baby not panic about it and not panic about it about it and be like we got to do something about this like okay I've learned things from you I'm gonna I'm gonna I'll call you a lot yes yeah I'll gonna be like there's no titty milk coming out and then you could give it to the wife there's things I would call you know me yeah yeah yeah but that yeah I get it sounded like this is small I also think that I also think that like sleeping with the baby in the bed is what I would do I know but you would have to be super safe about it yeah but I don't I sleep one style and you know but you know that it's a hazard if one of the parents is a smoker yeah like it's it increases your chances for sudden infant death syndrome so like if you're a smoker you cannot have the baby I'm sorry I've been I'm a smoker that cigarette over a month that's the smell that you exude I don't know what it is specifically but that is one of the risk factors for SIDS so you can be safe I just gotta be around for either of your babies okay yeah yeah yeah I don't want to start a fight with you yeah okay and also check out this book yeah yeah all the battles in your life yeah life and battles yeah yeah I don't want to start a fight with you but you have first baby syndrome yeah of course why wouldn't I have who's my first baby what's that what's that mean what's first baby because the second baby she's not gonna be the way she is now yeah you're more relaxed because everything is not so new anymore you you're like oh I've done this I'm not as like but also I think the rules that you're applying right now will loosen I don't think so I don't think so I think that's safety like when you get you grab your baby you'll know what I mean when you meet your baby for the first time and George you can attest to this you do breathing checks that baby is so small you're like is it breathing is it breathing is it breathing like the first oh that's the worst part is because you're so sleep-deprived like for the first month but you like wake up and like yeah I need to check if it's breathing and then you're like ah what am I gonna do if I go back to sleep and then feel so completely become apathetic they become apneic they have like erratic breathing newborn breathing is such a mind fuck so it scares you so like I see what you're saying it's like a two three-year-old like you do loosen up they're just when you first get them and they're like this newly like perfectly baked my sister my sister kept trying to like get me to hold the baby and I was so scared to hold it because it's so fragile and I'm like no I don't need to do that I don't want to drop it yeah even I was a mom and I was scared to drop my own baby yeah so it's like it's like holding a 16th century Chinese vase yeah I dropped those all the time three of my life a Faberge yeah like oh yeah Faberge egg yeah when you hold a Faberge egg you know because how many are there in the world I mean I think there are enough they're not enough I don't think they're like I think they're under a hundred they're under really under a hundred Faberge you know how much a Faberge egg costs they do how much how much you think a Faberge they're around 61 to 69 oh wow you're not only that that's crazy guess how much one would be I think in the high millions like just give me a good number like a hundred fifty million to a half a million how much is that that sounds too much 2014 a man found a thirty million dollar imperial oh wow a market okay so you're at a flea market at a flea market you overshot that's just still pretty expensive yeah that's thirty million dollars that's the cheapest one I think probably yeah yeah yeah what's the most expensive thing well you what what what's the most expensive thing you own what this house okay it's not included of course it's gonna be your you have collectibles you haven't expect an expensive collectible he hasn't upraised them in a while I don't think he knows I bet you anything you have hidden treasures here oh I've many hidden treasures yeah yeah yeah for people to find when I'm dead and you'll be surprised I got one for you yeah yeah okay which one that's thirty million worth the winter egg ten million they're less than I thought they were gonna do yeah yeah nice but they're very delicate yeah yeah would you buy one no okay okay yeah yeah so I would hold a baby like a fabric egg yes yeah yeah would you adopt or no no no because you could skip the baby phase and go right to like a Russian five-year-old yeah yeah yeah you know I mean or it has its own knife yeah there's no way low maintenance yeah I order what or you can have a baby and then just you know you know ditch the family for like five six years and they come back that way that's a good plan that way you can skip the five six years the best years earlier their lives that's wow that's a great the best years of their lives is it's still your own blood but it's not adopted when they become nightmares is when you come back again yeah okay the very good thinking 10 you should write a book and I the first page would be to all the women who got me battle ready that's that's the that's my family photo right there you know that's amazing yeah which one is you I can't tell I'm right here okay what did your mom think of the book I mean she didn't read it cuz she doesn't really speak English like that you know but she all like that I wrote one but you did like interview her for a lot of like the content of the I did she wasn't gone through it but I interviewed her because she has that crazy journey to the Mexican border like illegally carrying two babies so with coyotes and stuff so she gave me the details of that can I show you the poster of my of what my hulu spouse is gonna look like I want to see it just a poster and see if you think you like it or not okay ready and go I like it I like it is it too late for notes though no no it's not it kind of is okay I'm not gonna go here's the thing people will click on that it's very cool very cute it's very kawaii here's what I think like I just think that there are so many iconic photographs of you I I'm gonna make a call between this these two pods and I'm gonna make a call and what do you think of this Alex I wear the same thing I wore for the special mm-hmm and we go to a white backdrop yep and we we create our own a thousand percent agree if you have a chance to switch it I think you still if you have time you should try to do something about it cuz that's what I do in my book I had an option and I switch back hold on hold on so this is what you chose so this is some you're showing people like man I've been so mad oh yeah yeah yeah and your inside scars are on your face yeah yeah yeah me but why this look my favorite photos you take two photos I'll take the second one my favorite photos of you are from Jen Rosen Rosen Rosenstein Rosenstein she's the best I think so those are my best those my favorite photos of you yeah she's the best that's what I'm saying roses okay so that was my big note was that like I think that there are many other more iconic photos you can use for your center photo because it's cute but it's not like iconically you there's so many expressions that you do that are more Bobby Lee than that the photo should be quality of what you use for your profile photos on Raya like that should be the the level yes which I got rid of the app but you know you know like the ones you yes but anything else you want to plug no guys spit a life and battles is in bookstores everywhere you can also cop it on Amazon or Barnes and Noble's calm you know it's not just like rap heady stuff there's a lot of great things in here about family Asian American history with Bobby's involved in you know and like Los Angeles history hip-hop history why is it called spit for the audience spit I just feel like it's like a disrespectful act but earned me respect by spitting spitting lyrics spitting you know I mean yeah don't be phased I'm phased I'm phased I am literally phased Bobby are you gonna read my audio book and if a high me is the narrative no no I narrated it oh you did I got it I like your voice I want to say let me ask you a real question percentage wise are you more of it give me that percentage here are you more of an actor comedian or hip-hop artist I would say hip-hop artist is my main so what's a part of the pie out of 100% what is the percentage I would say 60% okay actor right I would say like 25% so what do we got 15% left yeah you're 15% comedian and well writer and comedian oh so that's what I just wrote I'm beef season 2 is coming out I said what we are what beef what percentage is writer a small person what percentage is why is it not helping leading up to my book what percentage is writer maybe I mean writing is well what everything I do right as a hip-hop artist I also write I know but just it just writing as its own final percentage of the pie yeah the remainder but then as a comic what are you isn't comic con all encapsulating everything like as a writer and performer and everything you know that's true you know what I mean and that's what but that's the answer I wanted. Yeah. A long-winded answer. Please read it, Bobby. Can you read it? I'm going to fucking read it! What's the last book you read? The Idiot by Dostoevsky. Okay. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah. What's so funny? And The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway. Those are the last two books I read. Do you read? No. I'll read this one. That's an easy read. Yeah. You've never read a book? There's pictures in there. There's pictures in here. There's pictures. Let me show you. There are pictures. There's a little comic strip in there. Just get him a coloring book, okay? Spit the coloring book. Spit. Yeah, yeah. The pictures are. The pictures are in half color. You can color into the pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in here somewhere. I saw them. Yeah, yeah. I can tell. Anyway, give John a round of applause. Okay, okay, Salaman. Okay, okay, Salaman. Okay, okay, Salaman.