Dr. Becky: Parenting 101

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy dr becky welcome to call her daddy so excited to be here thank you okay you are a clinical psychologist and you are often referred to as the millennial parent whisperer you essentially break down parenting in a very smart empathetic way and so i think all of my daddy gang moms or future moms to be are going to really enjoy this episode but i also think for anyone who maybe that isn't their journey i do think they're going to get a lot out of this episode as well because we are going to talk about boundaries and attachment theory and confidence which is applicable to everyone so thank you for being here excited to jump into it all you also kind of had this moment of time where you were like oh my god i'm going to be a mom and i'm going to be a mom and i'm going to be a mom and i'm going to be a mom and i'm going to be a mom and i'm going to have this moment of time where you're like oh my god i'm going to be a mom and i'm going to be a mom where you turned this parenting philosophy good inside into essentially a huge brand and and this has become like kind of like you're the cornerstone of like a lot of things you talk about can you explain the idea behind that name yeah i think it goes back to so many more years ago than even my instagram started where i said okay so if i'm gonna gonna give myself permission to question the pure punishment timeout version of parenting what am i left with if i strip away all the assumptions from a first principal's perspective and i was kind of left with two things one was i think kids are born good inside like i just don't believe babies are born thinking i'm gonna wake up my parents a lot and you know and make them not sleep and give them a hard time i think kids are born good inside and then this other thing i was left with is that kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills and so that's why good kids do a lot of bad things because when any of us by the way i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid i'm not a good kid at any age have feelings that overpower skills they come out as behavior and so it all came down to that and that first idea that we're born good inside explains why we need to teach skills that we don't have to so much insert all these things into a kid they kind of have them and we have to help them access them i love that because i think so much of it you're right is like it does put a lot on the parents where it's like this is a lot of this can actually be in your control to help your child continue to be good of course there's going to be mess ups and of course there's going to be hardships but it's like most children are coming out and are good human beings and then by nurture and nature it's like what is going to happen in their circumstances they're going to mold them into the human being they're going to be and no pressure parents but you are a majority of that so buckle up and good luck yeah and it sounds intimidating but i think i think actually so much of the idea of goodness side came down to the idea of good and good and good and good in my practice everyone wants to know what to do what do i do when my kid hits what do i do when my kid lies to my face but way before we can think of an effective strategy it actually comes down to what's my mindset how am i looking at my kid and i think there's two mindsets we have when our kid acts out do i have a good kid having a hard time or do i have a bad kid doing bad things and there's no strategy that matters as much as thinking about that mindset by the way it's the having a hard time or is he a bad person doing things to me and everything flows from there such a good point okay we need to get into gentle parenting yeah we do because i was so excited to ask you about this because i know it is very buzzy it's very controversial people have a lot of even like in prepping for this i was like asking around like oh like what's your parenting style just to see if anyone i'm interacting with does gentle parenting and so i want to get your opinion where do you stand on this approach and also for anyone that maybe doesn't know what it is if you can explain it a little bit so i don't even know if i'm the best person to explain it and i think probably it's been portrayed like most things in these extreme ways in the media that nobody actually believes it just makes for funny memes you know so i think the stereotypical gentle parent focuses a lot of their a lot on their kids feelings a lot oh you're so mad no wonder you're so mad they really care about their kids feelings and i don't think the intention is to stay there but i think people believe that gentle parenting is an attention on your kids feelings without a focus on boundaries and rules and kind of the other half and so the term gentle parenting what i can say has never appealed to me because when i think about my best parenting moments gentle is just so far down the list of how i would describe myself and i think we talk a lot of good insight about being a sturdy parent and it's not a word we often use but i think in your own life you probably know someone who feels sturdy and they're at once able to listen to you and care for you but they in no ways lose themselves in the process like you can locate them as well i think that's what we need to go for such a good point because i feel like i was having this conversation with my friend the other day just obviously as i'm preparing to go to school and i'm like i'm going to go to school and i'm going to become a parent and i a lot of my life i was so fortunate to look up to really incredible parents my mom and my dad i that's half the reason i was worried about getting married because i'm like how am i going to replicate this because they did such a great job and i feel like that's probably more like less common yeah than the other situation and so i got really lucky but something i always felt with my mom was like she was so solid in her parenting techniques and i really now when i look back no i was such a good word to hear from her as much as it was probably annoying when i was a child i know actually made me feel safe at the time it pissed me off but my mother like telling me no and and giving me boundaries it actually allowed me as a child to feel safe and make me feel like okay there are parameters that a sturdy person is putting around me and i'm not the one in control because i'm not the one in control and i'm not the one in control because when a child feels in control like they can do anything i don't know who i would have i would have become a monster becky okay me too i live it off the rails i think you're right i mean safety exists within a container if you feel like you can control the edges of the world yourself that's it's terrifying you won't say it as a kid you seem happy in the moment because there's no overt conflict but those are the people i can't even tell you how many 20 somethings i've seen in my practice who feel really angry later on at their parents like oh i was mad at you so you didn't set rules that were good for me like that pisses me off now okay can we talk about some like maladaptive behaviors that you see that could come as a result of gentle parenting yeah and again i believe we have to let kids know their feelings are real and kids feelings cannot dictate parental decisions and world realities right i think we've gone from you don't want to go to aunt sally's um who cares stop whining to you don't want to go to aunt sally's so now one of us will stay home and you don't have to go and so if i think about what that means let's say then 10 years from now 20 years from now it's a really dangerous thing for people to think my feelings give me the right to change the world around me my feelings are information but my feelings are more of a signal than some external truth it can lead to a lot of narcissism it can lead to really unhealthy relationship patterns right because it's almost like the kid is kind of then in control always yes and once they learn that then it's kind of a free-for-all because now it's all predicated on what your child is feeling and then you're going to adapt for them and they never kind of almost have to go through the hardships of learning like that's not how this works and then i can imagine in school or with peers when they don't get what they want they're gonna have friction because other kids are gonna be like we all were told we can't do that why are you still trying to do it yeah learning how to tolerate things not going your way learning how to tolerate disappointment learning how to tolerate jealousy these are the skills of life and you can't develop skills for experiences you've never had so if every time you feel a feeling your parent gives you an exit ramp you're gonna expect the world to give you exit ramps okay so talking about being a parent you have kind of used this like pilot metaphor before and i think that could maybe help people understand it even more can you explain how this translates to parenting yes so imagine being a passenger okay and i'm assuming you don't have a pilot license do you i do not okay i would mess up my metaphor um okay and there's intense turbulence like not normal really intense turbulence and i think in that situation let's say you the other passengers are kind of screaming you're nervous and i think there's one of three announcements that could come on from the pilot and they perfectly understand that and they're like okay i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do perfectly kind of mimic different approaches to parenting so one pilot one says hey everyone stop screaming back there you're freaking out over nothing you are so dramatic why can't you have one flight where you're just calm it's no big deal right oh my god can you imagine well exactly that i would be more activated first of all i'd be thrown off that my screaming is enough to make my pilot unnerved i also if my pilot says not even big turbulence if i felt like it was i'd be like well it maybe it is like are you missing something right you know, why do I feel like I know a little bit more than you in this moment? Exactly. Or why are you trying to downplay this in this moment? Right. Exactly. So that's pilot one. Not so good. Pilot two is kind of the opposite extreme, which is, hey, guys, it's a lot of turbulence. I'm going to open up the cockpit doors if anyone back there wants to come and fly the plane, because this is a really tricky situation. And maybe one of you knows what to do. And this is when we don't have any authority. There's no boundaries. And we look to our passengers to make decisions that really should rely on a closed cockpit. We are not equal decision makers with our kid. Right. I mean, I'm not even scared of the turbulence anymore. I'm just scared that this person's my pilot. Right. And so I think the first situation is kind of pure reactivity. The second situation is no boundaries. And here's pilot three. Hey, guys, I hear you screaming back there. There's a lot of turbulence. And by the way, if you want to keep screaming, scream away. I've been a pilot a number of years. I know we're going to get through the situation. I'm going to stop this announcement right now and go back to doing my job. And I'll see you when we land at LAX. I want that pilot. Yes, exactly. And I think there's two components. They validated my reality. If I think the turbulence is enough to scream, that is based in some reality in my body. I don't know if it's really big turbulence, but I'm already screaming. I want that scene. But I don't want my feelings to be contagious to my pilot. That's terrifying. So I literally need that boundary. Kind of. I understand you're upset and you're upset doesn't infiltrate my experience. I can hold my own experience separate from that. Right. And it doesn't impact my ability as the parent, a.k.a. the pilot, to do the job that you are fully relying on me to do. And that is so putting it in that terms, I think, is so digestible because I agree. I would freak out if there was a pilot who was kind of like, unknowing of what's going on. And I bet that's how children can sense like, oh, my parent has no idea what's going on. And that's, again, when they are going to act out. You see it with the kids when the parents are like, I don't know. And they're anxious. Like, what do we do? And they're like, you don't know. Oh, let's wreak havoc. Because if you don't know, then I'm going to take charge and it's going to be a disaster. I mean, it's so thoughtful and insightful that you said that because that's exactly right where parents will then say, but then my kid takes advantage of me. No, your kid gets activated. Because when we say things like, hey, I'm going to change altitude now, okay? Okay? Is that okay? I'm going to make an emergency landing, guys. Okay? No. No, okay. Don't ask me. Why are you raising your voice? I'm going to turn off the TV now. Okay? That will make a kid, it's not take advantage, but they sense that there's no pilot. And I think a four-year-old is similar to, I'm going to go out with my friends, okay? And dad's going to put you to bed and I need to go out with my friends to be a happy person. And my four-year-old's like, are you asking my permission to have a life? That is so, that feels so bad for a four-year-old. Because it feels unstable. It's not sturdy. Why are you looking to me? Thank you to Klaviyo for sponsoring today's segment. Okay. So something I recognize is that every single week you guys see me on Call Her Daddy interviewing a guest or doing a solo episode. And I love that part of my job truly so much. But another aspect of my job is that I'm building a company that has the ability to make a real impact. And I have realized that a lot of you probably don't know what goes on behind the scenes at Unwell, the people, the initiatives, and essentially the work that we're doing outside of just creating the content that you see every day. So about two and a half years ago, we launched the Unwell Foundation and it was really important to me and my company and all of us to basically create a company that was able to use the incredible opportunities that we have been given to find ways also to give back in a very meaningful way. At the core of the Unwell Foundation, it is supporting women. Over the last few years, we have donated money, resources, our time to help women across the country, whether that means supporting women who have experienced homelessness or abuse, helping provide resources for mothers and their children, or also just partnering with organizations focused on women's financial health, physical health, whatever it be. As the foundation has grown, we have basically wanted to expand our reach beyond just Los Angeles. And we've wanted to connect with more organizations and women across the country. Klaviyo has helped us do that by allowing us to basically organize our outreach and communicate more efficiently and connect with foundations and individuals who align with the work that we are trying to do. As Call Her Daddy continues to grow, staying connected to the Daddy Gang will always be one of the most important parts of what we do. You can build more personalized, valuable customer relationships with klaviyo.com. So let's talk about parenting styles, though, when two parents, you've got two people a lot of times in these dynamics, right? We have the absolute incredible women who are doing it on their own, which I'm like, you know what? You deserve every award in the book. Let's say, you do have two people in the parenting dynamic, okay? And one of those people came from a really strict household, and the other one came from a pretty relaxed household. And so you have two parents that are trying to navigate how to parent, but they have very different approaches. How does this impact the child? Well, I think I'll start with the partnership because that matters, and you kind of alluded to it, but I think it is important to understand that parenting is a language, right? And whatever language was in our home is going to be the thing that comes naturally, whether we want it to or not. Because some parents say, my parents were too strict, but still, when my kid says to me, you're the worst dad in the world, you're the worst mom, my body is going to look in and say, what do I know about situations like this, in terms of how to respond? And you might find the words coming out of your mouth that you told yourself you'd never say. So coming into having kids or at any point reflecting, what happened in my home, and what am I bringing to this, whether I want to or not? That's number one. Number two, I think you're talking about, you know, what happens when you have two parents who aren't on the same page? How does that impact the kid? I think the thing that's hardest for the kid is when those differences lead to a lot of undermining and overt conflict with the kid. Because kids then internalize that, and they, that's one more thing they're trying to hold in their body, and often is a reason for a lot more acting out. They're just like absorbing all the conflict. Could you give an example of that? So let's just say, you know, it's me and my husband, and he hears me say, after this episode, I'm turning off the TV, right? Okay. And I go and I turn off the TV, and my kid starts whining. And then my husband says, you know, just give him five more minutes. That's really, really hard on the kid. Because now I'll probably say, whoa, I'm working on holding and, you know, different things. And why am I the only adult in this house? And then my kid isn't just responding to ending screen time. They're responding to, ooh, again, the system, we live in systems. So the system around me that I need to feel safe doesn't itself feel so safe. Versus I say this, and my husband thinks, Becky, you're a little uptight. Let's just say he thinks that. Probably some truth to that. And he finds me later. And he says, look, I feel like screen time limits, especially it could have been 10 more minutes, whatever his argument is, right? Finding me outside the moment, but in the moment, kind of backing up my choice and tolerating the kid's whining and not undermining me. We're never going to agree with everything with our spouse, but how much it comes into play, kind of comes alive right next to my kid. I think, you know, that's the biggest difference. I can imagine how, again, so disorienting that is for the child because it's already hard for a kid to be like, okay, I have to listen to my parents, right? And if you're wavering, like we've talked about, it's confusing to them. So then to have two complete people that have authority over you on different pages, I can't imagine how like split their brain is trying to navigate because then you're also not seeing this as a unit. That's right. And so I hear what you're saying, which is great advice is it's like, even if in the moment, you disagree with what your partner maybe is doing, it's a conversation, not in front of the child because you want to present as a united front. Yes. Yes. So that the children are obviously respecting you, but more so. So the child has that sturdy pilot in front of them and they don't have to be like, but all the time that my dad does this, or my mom does this, or my mom and my mom do that. It's like too much for the kid to process when they're just trying to be like, I thought I was starting to figure out the boundary. Yeah. And you guys actually made the boundary more confusing. Yeah. It's kind of like hearing your co-pilots argue about what altitude you should be flying at. Right. Right. And like the button gets pressed and you're not supposed to be hearing it. You're like, um, I feel like the plane's going down. Can you two focus on doing the job instead of fighting? That's exactly right. And, you know, it's interesting because someone asked me this question recently and I brought it to my own husband because I have this, these kids I call deeply feeling kids who I think kind of need a little bit of a different approach. And anyway, and someone said, how did you get your husband on board with that approach? Because he is not in the same way. And I asked him, how did I get you on board? And he goes, I'm not on board. I was like, oh, what? You know, I was like, that just blew my mind because I'm not on board. Like so much of my body, especially when our daughter was younger, was saying, like, I want to do things differently. But I just didn't get in the way. And I kind of watched it. And I trusted you. And I just think when I shared this with our community, they found it very liberating. Maybe I don't need my partner to have 100 percent agreement. But what if we just chose different lanes where we said to each other, I'm not going to undermine what you're doing. And let's watch it play out for a certain number of months, however long, and then revisit it. It's kind of like at work. You're not always going to agree with what another team is doing, but you probably can say, let's give this six months. Let's see how this plays out. And I'm not going to come to every meeting arguing against this project you're working on. Well, it's such a good point, too. It's like there's never even when you're in a relationship without children, there is no winning an argument. It's finding that middle ground where you both feel heard and respected. And when it comes to a child and parenting a child, I'm assuming it's then applicable to be like one of us is going to have more of like an innate feeling of how we should approach this. And if you feel so strongly, I have to respect and trust you. Let's go with it. And that's great. And then we can adjust if it doesn't work. But it's way better than us both walking in and be like, no, I just know. And the kids are listening. They're like, which one should I listen to today? They're a ping pong ball. I think like disagree and commit. You know, does this in any capacity when we're talking about, you know, parenting and being on the same page or any of that? You talk about being long term greedy. Yeah. And I am so fascinated. I need you to explain this because I'm like, what does that mean? Yeah. Where I think about how many years our kids are young and in our home and then how many years our kids are going to be older and out of our home. And those are the same differences in years where our kids are either locked into a relationship with us when they live with us. And after they're out of our house, they get to choose the type of relationship they have with us. And also, the stakes only get higher in life. Don't get me wrong. Like dealing with the sandbox drama is so stressful. But if my kid doesn't know how to play well with others when they're in a job or when they're 45, I think the stakes are higher. And so I think we generally have kind of two options in all of these different hard moments with our kid. I mean, they're intervening for comfort and happiness today. But in doing that, I'm probably not helping my kid develop the skills they will need long term. Or to be honest, because it's not all fun and games, I am enduring some amount of short term inconvenience and pain today because I know this ladders up to something important. So here's a great example. We're kind of getting close to back to school. My kid or I get the school list and I find out, oh, my goodness, my daughter isn't with her four best friends in class and school hasn't started yet. And I'm thinking, do I call the school when my kids get so anxious and she's going to be so upset? If I'm short term focused, meaning I'm trying to optimize for my kids short term comfort and happiness, I'm going to call the school. Long term, what gets wired in their body, right, because a kid's early years with us forms their default settings for what to expect later on is, I don't know, I'm sure there's going to be a dorm room without her. And I don't know, do I want my kid to call me and be like, will you call the dorm? Or do I want my kid to know by that point, this sucks, but I already have had life experience to see I can survive it and cope with it. And so when I think about long term greediness, I think about, and by the way, we don't do this 100% of the time. There's some percentage of me too. I'm like, here's the lollipop. We have to. We're human. But if I have a general long term greedy perspective, I understand how it's going to affect my kids. And so I think about long term my interactions with my kid today are going to have a pretty big impact on their coping, their sense of capability, and their resilience versus fragility later on. I mean, that is so fascinating. And I also think it takes such perspective. And I can imagine it is, like you said, very difficult sometimes for a parent to have the wherewithal to be like, I'm literally sitting in a second grade class right now and we're dealing with this. And so if you can have that, then you're going to have a pretty big impact on their coping, their sense of that foresight to be like, this is temporarily uncomfortable for them. And they will be so much better off for it. And the temper tantrum or when they tell me they hate me today, they're actually going to be like, thank God my parents made me walk in and have that conversation alone with my teacher instead of doing it for me. Because now when I'm going into this job interview, I'm like, mom, if you're watching this, my mom did that to me all the time. It was always like, no, you have to go speak to the coach. You have to go. And I was like, why can't you do it like every other parent does it? That's right. I'll go talk to them for them. And she's like, one day you'll thank me, Alex. And I was like, I'm never going to thank you. I'm never going to talk to you after I turn 18. Meanwhile, I was like, thanks, mom. Because and I think an answer to that, if I'm thinking about your mom is because I'm so invested in you discovering your own capability. And I will not steal that from you just so you smile and are happy with me right now. Can we talk about confidence? Yes. Can you explain just from everything you've seen, how can parents instill confidence in their kids? And also that sounds so simple. But like, what is the actual importance of that? So I'm curious, if you're willing, like what, just to get into it, does a situation come to mind that you're like, that was a confidence building experience for me? I don't know if this is weird, but like, oddly enough, I think most of it was the resilience my parents forced me to learn in moments, like kind of similar to what I'm saying, what I was just saying about having to do things on my own I think my parents were very focused on making sure that I had a sense of self and a sense of independence. And even though things were scary, uncomfortable, I never actually felt scared. Like my parents were always there. Yeah, but they were never doing things for me. And I think the more and more I learned, like, oh, my God, I would run back to them after I had the really uncomfortable conversation with the soccer coach when I was 12. And I'm like, oh, my God, no other kid my age was one on one. And I was like, so nervous. Yeah. But when I every time I came out of those moments, and I got in the car with her, I would gush to her about like, and then I said this, and I remembered how you told me to say this, the confidence that was built was like, I trusted myself. And the trust that I built within myself started to then like, I felt like I had the answers sometimes before I had to go to my mom or my dad. And that built and built and built. And I think that just made me feel so supported. Yes. But also, I was my own person. I mean, you're saying so many words that are you stole my words before. So I think first of all, there's the difference we'll get to this between support and solutions. Those are very different things. Right? You knew you could always go back to your parents, but they didn't solve the situation for you. So I think we've been fed this idea that confidence means feeling good about yourself. But I believe confidence is self-trust, which is a very different game. Because if you're optimizing for feeling good about yourself, or I'm optimizing for my kid feeling good, I'm optimizing toward comfort, fine, I'll do that thing for you. Or even when my kid says, let's take, you know, I'm the only one in my class who can't read chapter books, mom. If I think building confidence is about feeling good, I'll say, but you're the only one in your class who can play chess. Think about that. Because I'm trying to help my kid feel good. If confidence is self-trust, and my kid says, I'm the only one in my class who can read chapter books yet. First, I'm not going to say you're right, you're a horrible reader. No. But first of all, probably just say something simple. Like, first of all, I'm so glad you're telling me that. I believe you what happened when they handed out the books today. Because my kid is bringing to me this experience. I'm upset in this way. And if I over and over say to my kid, that's not true. Then my kid learns, and this has such long implications, I think about college girls, like, other people have a better sense of my internal reality than I do. And I shouldn't be shocked. I mean this, that when that, let's say, young woman is at a bar, and someone's like, hey, come home with me. She's like, I don't know, it's a little early. Oh, don't make such a big deal out of it. You're making, and then if her internal circuit is, like, habit of overreacting to things, other people outside my body have a better sense of how I'm feeling than I do. It becomes sad, but explainable, because she's learned to distrust herself. That is so, whoa. Because even when you're saying that, too, I also think what comes to mind is, it's, again, it's easy, quick gratification for the child to feel, I'm immediately going to make you feel safe. But I could also maybe see then the child then starts to be like, I'm not going to probably bring this up. Because I feel like every time I bring up something to my parents about how, like, I was not doing, I was falling behind in class, I feel insecure, da-da. Maybe there's more secrecy, and you're hiding things, because you are kind of embarrassed. We're like, every time I try to tell them, they kind of either downplay it, or they tell me it's not real. And so, like, why would I share with them instead of holding the space for them? Like, oh, my gosh. Tell me about how that made you feel in that moment. Exactly. I mean, I have this concept of the feelings bench. I love anything with a visual. So if you think about a kid of any age or an adult going to their partner, and they're kind of wandering around this garden that has a lot of benches, okay? And maybe your kid is on the bench of, I'm the only one in my class who can't read chapter books. But really, they're on the bench of, I feel less than other people, right? Or I'm looking around and people have things I don't have. They're going to be on that bench for the convince them to go to a sunnier bench. Like, wait, that's good. Or some ways I say your bench isn't your bench. Like, that's not true. And if I think about the parent who it's so hard and simple, just kind of sits on the bench. They're like, oh, tell me more about that. That happened. I'm building my kid's confidence because what I'm saying is even the version of you, I'm going to cry, who is the slowest reader. I like that. I like that girl. I'm willing to sit with her. I'm not going to run away from her. I don't need her to just be the star chess player. And you're right. Like, when kids are young, they're kind of learning, what's the range of experiences I can bring to my parent? Who can I be? What's attachable, right? And yeah, confidence actually comes from not feeling like the best at everything. It's feeling like it's okay to be you when you're not the best at something. Right. And you have a safe home where that yucky feeling that you felt at school of being embarrassed, can then go home and you can share it with your parents and they're going to hold it with you and be like, gosh, I can imagine how that made you feel. And like, let's talk about it. I also can imagine similar to what you just referenced with that bar example. This is very probably important if you are raising young girls in today's day and age or literally whenever you've been raising young girls, because so many of us are kind of socialized to doubt ourselves and to be like, you're being overdramatic. And oh, you're not. You're not. You're not. You're not. You're just being sensitive and you're being this and that. If your daughter came to you about a situation that made her feel uncomfortable, how would you respond? And what is your advice to mothers and parents and everyone that's doing this? So number one, we want to believe our kids' internal experiences. I think the reason that gets tricky is that isn't a perfect one-to-one with exactly what I will or will not. Encourage her to do after. So for example, let's just say it's a little bit more of a vanilla situation. Mom, you know, I want to go back to soccer. I'm not starting anymore. It's so embarrassing when I'm at practice and then they say, starters on the field. And like, I'm not doing it. First of all, I want to believe her. And again, the first line, it is such a helpful line whether you have kids or not. When someone tells you they're upset, just to make the first thing you say back, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. And stop talking. So glad you're talking to me about this. Tell me what happened. Practice. Well, they said the starters and I started to move on to the field. I'm like, oh, no, not me anymore. And I felt like everyone was looking at me and can't believe I lost my starting spot. I don't know what I'm going to say. That sounds like that sucks. And then I think what matters, at least I'm going to say in my house, what I encourage parents is. So I'm not going to practice tomorrow. I feel like we've started to focus a little too much on the I believe you part and not enough, which is also a part of confidence on the I believe in you part. And this is what it sounds like really happened in your family, which is so beautiful, which is the both. I believe you that soccer practice kind of sucks compared to what it used to be. I also want to let you know that you are a kid who can go even when you're not a starter and you're going to get through a practice that feels awful. And I'm going to be there in the car waiting to give you a big hug. Or if you don't want to hug and you just want to yell at me the whole way home, I'll take that too. Either way, but it's going to happen. But it's going to happen. You're still going to go. Because if I think about the long-term greed focus, I want my kid to be able to regulate when they're older. And you can't manage a feeling you believe you're not supposed to have. You can't. You have to try to get it out of your body and it comes out of your body as bad behavior. So I want my kid to be able to say when they get, you know, when they don't get the promotion, this sucks. I thought I was going to get a promotion this cycle. I believe myself. This stinks. And I'm going to work tomorrow. I am. I'm still going to go. I'm going to talk to my boss. What did I miss? Let's go for my review. I want both for my kids. I am like ingraining that in my head of I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Because I'm like, Mom, why did I always feel so confident to come to you and dad about things that I'm like, some of my friends are like, I would have never told my parents that. And that is like, because I felt such an open space. And I know I was really, really fortunate to have that. But that line right there, I'm tucking that right here, Dr. Becky, and I'm going to keep that. For when my child is in these situations. For maybe some of our newer moms, for me, for, you know, the daddy gang that's just like getting started. I want to now like dive a little bit more into boundaries. Good. Because obviously, you bringing up that one of the biggest parts of parenting is boundaries. I love how you said earlier, like, I also don't know if a lot of people even know what boundaries are, because that word is thrown around so much and on social media, especially. So can you define boundaries? Yes. What are we talking about? Boundaries are something you tell your kid you will do. And they require your kid to do nothing. And I love that definition. Because every time I say something, when I think I'm setting a boundary, I can just assess like, do I have two checkmarks? Did I tell my kid something I will do? And does this thing require my kid to do zero? Which is why like, if my kids jumping, actually a better example, because my third kid has 0% people pleasing in him. Zero. I love that. Yes. Okay. And so my first kid, I live in New York City, right? We're in an elevator building. So if I said, hey, when we get into the elevator, sweetie, don't press all the buttons. My first kid said, hey, when we get into the elevator, you're right. That would be disrespectful. Like he was just a different kid. If I said that to my third kid like that, he'd say, okay. And by the way, it would now be so much more fun to press every single one. The scene in Elf. Right? Exactly. He does it all. He does it all. All of them. So bright. And so this is a situation where I think parents would say, you have a kid who doesn't respect your boundaries. And then we get into really common patterns. I start, if you do it, no dessert tonight. Right? And then I give him sorbet for dessert because fruit isn't dessert. And I understand that. And then I give him sorbet for dessert because fruit my authority, like these awful things. I end up yelling. Okay. If I say to him, don't press the elevator buttons, am I telling him what I'm going to do? No. Does the success require him to do nothing? No. It actually requires him to have a lot of self-control. That is not a boundary. That's a request. All the time as parents, we think we're setting boundaries when we're actually making requests. And requests are more frequent. And it's often we start with a request. But if our kid is more of a safety issue or my kid is out of control, I have to set a boundary. So with my kid, I could set this boundary in two ways. Sweetie, when we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons. And even if you lunge toward the buttons, I will block you. That's what I would say to him. And then my third kid has ninja moves. And Alex, I'm ready. If you think I'm getting in the elevator holding two bags, no, no, no, no, no. I am going to put my bag down and I am ready. And then I'm just going to go like this. Mm-mm. Or I could set a boundary because sometimes those words will escalate on non-people places. They're like, oh, game on. Game on. And I might just step in between him and the buttons saying nothing. Get ready for the lunge and say, mm-mm. My kid's jumping on the couch. And let's say they're jumping, I don't know, right near a glass table. I wouldn't even care if my kid jumped on the couch, but I don't want my kid to get hurt. It is not a boundary to say, get off the couch. That's a request. I'm not telling my kid what I will do. And it requires my kid to do something. And then again, it's like, well, if you don't stop, I'm going to count to five. And a boundary is saying, look, sweetie, and you could say this kindly. It's kind and firm at the same time. It looks like it's hard for you to stop jumping on the couch. I'm going to walk over there. And if by the time I get there, you're not off the couch, I will pick you up and I will put you on the floor. And this matters. It's my number one job to keep you safe. That goes back to the job of boundaries. It's such a powerful thing as a because it reminds you, it's like, it's not to keep you happy. My number one job is to keep you safe. So I'm going to put you on the ground and you can jump on the floor. And then if that's my house, my kid won't look at me when I say that and just say, okay. No, depending on who my kid is and their temperament, they might keep jumping. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to say, I'm picking you up now. No, hey, five, let's count to five. No, I'm picking you up now. And my kid will melt down when they're young because that's what kids do. None of us like to want to do something and have someone stop us. It's just not a fun experience, but this is where the jobs make so much sense. If I'm like an A plus student, I can do both jobs at once. I set the boundary. My kid gets upset and I'm just going to say something simple. It's more fun to jump on the couch, but that doesn't mean I'm letting my kid back on the couch. Okay. The request, I get it now. Cause you're like, the request is like, you're just asking them to not do something or to do something or whatever. The boundary is if this happens, I'm doing this. Yes. A boundary is an assertion, Alex, of your power. This is why it's especially important for women. This matters just as much in the workplace. We give our power away all the time by making certain things dependent on other people behaving in a certain way versus defining what we need to do to feel good enough. Boundaries are very hard to set, I think, for us as even individuals, I think especially as women. Again, overdramatic, people pushing your boundaries, you being in work settings and learning, I had a boundary and then this person crossed it and I still have to endure this. This is uncomfortable. It's a lot easier said than done. I'm curious if you ever, obviously, you're a person who's good at setting boundaries now, but were you ever prone? Were you prone to people-pleasing in your life and how did you find this beautiful balance that you're now in? Well, first of all, the beautiful balance I talk about is not the beautiful balance I live in my house. Dr. Becky and Becky are, I always say it's true, my kids don't have Dr. Becky as a mom and I wouldn't wish that on them. They have Becky. Sometimes my husband actually says, "I was about to tag your personal account in your latest reel because I feel like you could benefit from such advice." You're like, "No, made. There is like, whoa, but it's true, you know? And so there's no perfect balance, right? But I love this question because I was very much a good girl. And I think that that is one of the things that has shaped so much of how I think about especially women in parenting. And, you know, just, oh, she's such a good girl. She's so easy. I never have to think about that one. I never have to worry about that one. And I think all that means, good girl, is this is someone who has learned to gaze out and notice everyone's needs and take care of them at the exclusion of gazing in and wondering what their own needs are. And then it gets even more extreme because then your own needs become a threat to this job you've perfected, which is taking care of everyone else's wants and needs. Your own needs are very inconvenient if you're trying to just placate everyone around you. And one of the reasons I think we have a trouble setting boundaries is logically we say, I know my kid doesn't have to be happy with me. But logic doesn't dictate our kind of relationship decisions. Our old circuits do. And if when you try to set a boundary around dessert, your kid's having a tantrum, which is kind of their way of saying, I'm upset with you, your body essentially activates, what do I know about someone I love being upset with me? What is my job in that situation? What have I gotten really good at doing? What is my role? And if you were really good as a kid at keeping the peace, first of all, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's probably something very crafty you figured out how to do. You're going to have a hard time holding that boundary because your body knows how to just make the other person happy to the kind of detriment of what you might need. And I think it's so applicable for women, like you're talking about, like we've been conditioned this way that it's awkward and can be uncomfortable to set a boundary. So then you just kind of appease the people around you and you just forego what you genuinely want in the dynamic and you don't use your voice. And so I can imagine then getting into parenting, it may be hard for women to actually use their own voice. It's almost like for the first time in their life to have authority in some capacity because we've never almost had it. Yes. And I listened to your episode the other day about kind of effortlessness and why is it so cool to like pretend like we don't care and it just happens. That's right. And you know, I have to try very hard to do all the things I talk about, to set boundaries, to stay connected to my kid without them overpowering me because my initial wiring definitely was being a good girl. I think one of my first times where that came into major conflict was probably my anorexia before I went to college. I mean, anorexia at the end of the day is a struggle with desire. What am I allowed to want and want and desire if they feel so scary? Well, anorexia is a way of saying like I want nothing, not even my basic needs. I want for nothing. I can become very, very tiny. And that was a ton of therapy, all the things around that. But I think through that process, I started what I would call kind of like gazing in. Like, can I develop a relationship with my own wants and needs? Can I be a little bit more like I think about this idea of going from a good girl to an inconvenient woman? And it's not like I try to inconvenience people. But if you know what you want, and at least some of the time you make decisions around that, people are going to be inconvenienced. Not everyone's. I think we have this fantasy like I'm going to tell my husband I want to sleep in because I usually wake up and my husband's going to say, Becky, I'm so happy you asked me. Nothing would make me happier than waking up at 545 with our two toddlers because you do it most of the time. And no, most husbands, nice husbands, their initial reaction is like, oh. And if I can't tolerate that sigh and know, you know what, me getting what I want does inconvenience my husband. OK, like that's just part of being in a relationship with each other. And I think my own journey has been, yeah, like those little experiments, bracing myself, the panic around it, the calling my friends, the getting support. And it's still a journey. It is. And thank you for sharing that, because I also think so many women I've talked to that have experienced anything when it comes to, you know, struggling with eating and body. And then when we transition to motherhood, it's like we have so little control over our lives and what's happening and we have people pleasing and then there's no boundaries and then they keep getting constantly just a victim of our circumstances. Then then we find one thing that we can internally control with our body. But really, we are hurting ourselves. And so to then get to that point in your life where you were like, I started to look inward of like, how am I going to basically adjust the way that my relationship is to myself? Yeah, it's really powerful to get to that point because then you are giving yourself more autonomy. It's not easy. But I think that kind of also leads me to think about. The perfect parent. I feel like this is something a lot of women I'm sure struggle with of. And I feel like it's such a huge pressure now. And I don't know if that you feel like there's an uptick, but I feel like everyone's always talking about like the perfect parent to be the perfect parent. Like, why do you think there is such an all time high right now around that conversation? Well, if I I mean, I think. I guess there's two perfect parents. There's what happens in your home and then how it looks to everyone. Everyone else. I don't know if there's an uptick and how it's perceived by everyone else. There's just an uptick in this world of showing our lives to others and other people deciding whether we're good enough. You know, so that's probably been this externally oriented world. We're kind of a part of. Right. I guess, you know, I tell parents all the time. First of all, there's no perfect parent, but it wouldn't even be good for your kid anyway. That's the irony, the model of a relationship you form with your kid. And I think that's a big part of it. Is the foundation they take into adulthood. Like, I happen to think attraction is just an activation of your earliest attachment system. It's what feels like home. And so do I want to set my kids up to only feel naturally attracted to people who always get it right, are perfectly attuned to their feelings, say the right thing, are never distracted? That's not that's not real. It isn't real. And I also love how you say, like, it's not realistic, but I do think it kind of can bring us into the attachment style conversation. And so obviously, attachment theory, which is based on the assumption of that our experiences as children inform who we are as adults and the type of partners we attract, the type of relationships that we seek, our behaviors. But then all of a sudden we all become adults. Right. So we're like, OK, I'm anxious, attached or I'm avoidant, attached. I'm fearful, attached. I'm secure, attached. Great. Then you become a parent. And I think that for everyone listening today, I'm wondering, how does your attachment style as an adult, how can that impact your child? Because now we're just we're keeping that generational cycle going. And can you talk a little bit more about that? Yeah. I mean, your attachment style, right, is how you've learned to define closeness, what what you expect from other people, what parts of you are allowed in relationships, what parts of you you've learned to kind of keep out of it. And usually without various intervention that transfers generation to generation, not not because that's anyone's fault. It's just what feels natural. And our our body is generally drawn to what feels familiar versus what's good for us. So if someone's sitting here like Dr. Becky. Yeah. I am a full, anxious, attached person. And I am about to welcome a child into this world. How is that going to impact that person's parenting style? Yeah. So first of all, I'd say, Amazing that you're thinking about this. You're ahead of the game. I don't think insight alone brings change, but we certainly can't change what we don't understand. So you've done a huge step one. Amazing. And then I dig in. I'm not one for labels. If we stop there, I feel like, what would you mean? So you're anxiously attached. Does that mean it's hard for you to have a little separation from your partner? When there's distance, do you tend to interpret that as rejection? Are you a little bit oriented toward seeing someone's separation as abandonment instead of just separation? And OK, same talk. Oh, yes, yes, yes. OK, so here's what I probably know about that person. Oh, I wonder what's going to happen when your kids even start walking. It seems like such a great developmental milestone, and it is. But it's really a sign that your kid is already ready to kind of separate from you. What's it going to be like for you? When your kid's really upset with you, does upset feel like abandonment and threat? So let's get ready for some of those situations, throwing the toys on the floor, begging for the thing at the store with you. And then we can talk about, OK, well, how do you want to respond? That old stuff is still going to feel natural. I think that's what really matters. And I think that's what really resonated about that podcast you did about the cool girl, where the only thing that comes naturally in parenting is how you were parented. And so if you want to do things differently, yeah, you need a system. You need people to help you. You need to play. You're going to have a lot of uncomfortable moments. And yeah, I know. I love that because I think a lot of people, understandably, we are so we recognize we all have baggage. We all have things from our past that we are innately going to just potentially give our kids project onto our kids, be super hypervigilant to not do it. And I think that's what we're going to have to do. And I think that's everyone is coming from their own perspective of, oh, my God, I either want to replicate my childhood for my child or I want to make sure I change all these things and be having those feelings. It's a lot and it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself when you have this past that you're recognizing can impact your child's future. And I think it's hard to sometimes overcome that pressure we put on ourselves, I guess. Yeah. And look, like you said, we all have our past. And so we're all going to have trigger moments. Our kids trigger us. I think we all think they're going to heal us. They trigger us. They bring up all the stuff that wasn't really healed from our past. And if you know that going in, you can look at these moments like, wow, I had a pretty intense reaction to that. I don't even remember saying this to my kid. It just kind of flew out of my mouth. I think those are the situations often we want to put away like, I don't want to look at that. But if you're willing to look at that, those become amazing teachers to you. So true, because I feel like an example is someone I know, their kid didn't make the varsity team. Mom was really upset. Mom was really upset because this was bringing up something for her. She didn't make the varsity team and she was hoping her daughter could make the varsity team. And so she's triggered about not feeling good enough. Meanwhile, I don't even know if the kid cared that much. Like, oh, all my friends are actually on the other team, which is perfect. I didn't even want to make varsity. But the mom was so upset. How can we essentially avoid projecting our own emotions and our own triggers onto our kids? So I think there's two parts to that question. Can we do anything to get ahead of it? And then when it inevitably happens, what do we do next? Because again, we're not going to be perfect at it, right? So there is no superpower that is as important in parenting as knowing yourself, right? I know I had socially hard moments in middle school and high school. As my kids, I've gotten older into middle school and high school. Oh my goodness, have those come alive, right? I'm like, do I really want to talk to my kid about the situation? I know from the other moms my kid wasn't invited. And just to be able to ask yourself, is this a me feeling or is this a my kid feeling, right? And to try to pause. Maybe I don't need to go and say, oh, you weren't invited to that party. How do you feel? That might be a me thing. It might be a me thing. But what is coming up for me is a superpower question as a parent. What is coming up for me about this, you know? And then the second part is there's nothing that matters as much as repair with your kid. And repairing is taking accountability for something, saying you want to try something again, right? And so to be able to say, hey, I had a big reaction when you told me this thing. To be honest, a lot of that had to do with me. I'm sorry. What I wanted to say was this. That's so powerful because you're going to make mistakes. That allows you to repair. And it models for your kid how to take accountability in their other relationships. That's also, I remember in doing all the research for attachment theories, so much of it is anyone who has secure attachment, really, it was mostly built in the repair phase, which you're discussing, which is like knowing that it's symbolizing you are in a safe, secure environment because your parent, although they may have lashed out and they may have raised their voice or they may have messed up, they're not going to be able to repair. And so I think that's a really important part of coming back around and recognizing it with the child and taking ownership and accountability and sharing with them like, hey, I'm really sorry that I did that. It shows them like, oh, the world is not scary and I'm not in an unstable situation and my parents even can mess up, but this is how they operate and this is how they handle it when they do make mistakes. Wow, that's a really good leader. Yeah. And I think, you know, I was lucky enough to be asked by Ted to give a talk and they're like, I know you talk about all these things. What do you want to talk about? And repair was the topic because I think the other thing to understand about it, especially with kids, and I hope anyone listening who doesn't even have kids, it gives us a lot of insight into our self-talk, is what happens for a kid when they're screamed at by their parent and they don't have a repair, right? And again, that happens everywhere. I scream at my kid, oh, you're so ungrateful, you're so spoiled, whatever. We're now probably separate. Maybe my son is in his room. And if I don't repair, a kid is in their room feeling very confused because the person they need for safety is now the person who felt scary. And that's just a disorganized thing. Disorganized attachment is actually those two things being kind of fused together, that the person who scares me is the person I go to for comfort. That's a lot. And so what does my kid need to do to get back to baseline if I don't repair? They generally do two things. They self-blame. This is all my fault. I'm a bad kid. Because there's this quote I always love from grad school, which is Fairburn who said, I don't know if you've heard it for your attachment stuff, which is, for a kid, it's better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil. Which means taking the badness in is safer than believing the world is bad. Oh, especially when it comes to your parents. That is your world. So if it's my parents are bad, or I'm bad, you better bet. And that actually gives them a sense of control. And if I think about all the women, especially, who no matter what happens in their life when it's bad, you know what they still do? It's so old. It's actually a lot of unrepaired moments. Or we do the other thing, which is self-doubt. A kid in their room has to say, you know what? Maybe that didn't happen. Maybe that didn't actually happen. And I think about how many women in my practice would be in these dating situations and something not going well. I'm going to call five friends and see if they thought it was bad. Do they think it's a big deal? It's kind of saying, I don't trust my own assessment. And that starts so early. So yes, you don't have to be perfect. Don't be perfect. But repair whenever you can. Such good advice. I also was thinking back to the perfect parent and all these things that we're talking about, recognizing that there are so many women who may be on the journey that they're really fighting to become a parent. And they are really like, oh my god, I have been on the hardest emotional journey to just simply even get to where you guys are talking about. And I pray to God that I one day can have a baby. Through your practice, do you mind just sharing a little bit about what you have learned about women's struggles with fertility in general? Yes. And I mean, I did IVF for all my children, too. So first of all, I'd say from life experience, like, yeah, I've been there and it stinks. It's so hard. I think it's one of the first times we've had a baby. And I think it's one of the first times we've had a baby. And we feel like a failure as a mom before we're a mom. And I can't even do this thing that my body is supposed to be able to do. Like, I'm already failing. And I think, you know, one of the things I thought a lot about, maybe you and I could talk offline, is so many of the things that are our superpower coming into motherhood become our Achilles heel. So if I go to fertility for me, I have been someone who makes things happen. Like, I know effort doesn't always lead to outcome. But I feel like I have found a way for effort to lead to outcome because I just more, more, more. And I like to move. And I like to make decisions. And I like my studying to lead to good grades. And then I try to get pregnant. And I think for me, I would have benefited from someone saying, Becky, you know how you've been pretty successful at effort, effort, effort, and then having pretty good outcomes? Yeah. Yeah, that's going to end up making motherhood really hard for you. And I'd be like, what? They're like, that's going to really work against you. Because from getting pregnant to maintaining the pregnancy to whether or not your kid is an early walker or late walker, effort doesn't lead to output. And that might be harder for you than some of your friends who would say, yeah, I've kind of been like a B student. It's fine. They are better prepared to handle those things well. And so again, I think it's where knowing yourself really helps you digest your own fertility journey or early parts or any part of parenting. I mean, I can imagine the every woman, I think, no matter which way you go about it in trying to get pregnant. And I talked about this a little bit on the episode where I announced my pregnancy, like, yes, it brought up so much of like the failure and the competitor in me from being an athlete. And you're like, why is we why didn't it work? Why isn't it working? And you're and you only have your. Self to blame. Yeah. Which you should not be blaming yourself. But of course, we're going to blame ourselves because who else can we blame? And again, with women, like you just said, we it's too scary of a world where we're so conditioned, like just blame yourself because it's the easiest and it's the most ingrained in us. Yeah. Can I say something on that? You know, my I had this situation with my oldest. He was a lot younger and it's become just such a helpful framework for me. So we're backing out a car from a garage and. My husband was driving and my son had the door, the passenger door like open in the backseat. But my husband didn't know it was open when he was backing out the car. And so he backs out. Obviously, the door hits the side. It's, you know, yeah, the whole thing. And he said, why didn't you why didn't you close the door? And my son said he was probably six at the time. I didn't know you were about to back out. It's not my fault. And my husband goes, so it's my fault. And my son says, you know, dad, sometimes bad. Things happen and it's nobody's fault. At my heart races, as I say this, we're obsessed with fault. Like when you're not getting pregnant, it's probably nobody's fault. I mean, by the way, look into it. Like, is it what's going on? But, you know, when your kid, you know, isn't talking yet, like it's probably not your fault. I not say enough words and it's probably not your kid's fault. It's probably just hard. You know, life, it's circumstances that. Yeah. It's like sometimes things are hard and. Fault just isn't a helpful framework. That's really helpful because I think it then can help release the shame and the guilt that I feel like so many women probably feel who are listening right now being like, I get it's not my fault. But like, do you have any advice for any woman who's sitting here being like, but Becky, I am so exhausted. Like I've been doing IVF. Things aren't working. Like, is there any advice you have that kept you going or that you can share to just help women just feel keep going? I mean, look, I think what's so hard is if if becoming a mother is like such an important focus for you. Right. I think advice of, oh, just put that to the side and work out more or have lunch with your girlfriends. Like I hear friends of mine saying, oh, my girlfriends are getting pregnant. I freaking hate them. I don't want to be around them. I'm not even happy for them. Right. And so when any one thing in your life becomes so important, it's really hard when that thing isn't happening anywhere near the timeline. So number one, I would just give yourself massive permission. Like this is really hard. It makes sense. It feel that way. It feels that way. This stinks. And then, yeah, at some point we want to find an and. Like, are there other things that give me joy? Not 10 out of 10 joy the way they used to, but two out of 10. Right. And just fighting for those things, I think, really, really matters. I know plenty of people on a fertility journey who said, what would it be like to give myself a couple month break? You know? And, you know, I don't want to say it's magic. I want to be able to say, and then they randomly got pregnant naturally because they weren't stressed. Like, OK, there's some stories. But and I think also, I know you've talked about this. Noticing when a timeline drives us more crazy than is helpful. Again, I don't think there's any simple answers, but just OK, like this timeline, maybe it was never true. Maybe I am going to be pregnant after my friends or maybe my journey. Maybe there's a, I don't know, other. Options for having children, but widening the aperture a little. It's great advice because I agree there's so much comparison that understandably we can't help but do. And especially when you want something in life and you are someone who is a go getter, why is everyone else getting it and not me? And I totally understand that. But I agree with you. You have to just keep finding the good in life and things will work out. Things will work out as they're supposed to. You will find whether it's a different path or the path works like it's going to work out. You have to believe that for yourself. I also think something I talked about recently was then to the new moms who are like, oh, my gosh, it worked. I got pregnant. I'm having this baby. Am I allowed to complain for a second? And I think there's a lot of shame around not feeling like this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I am a new woman and I love this. And this life is great. And it's like and the changing thing looks perfect and everything's organized. And like whenever you see these videos, there's not a thing on the ground. There's not a toy out of place. And so you start to be like, oh, my God, is it me? Is there something wrong with me? And so I want to kind of go through some thoughts maybe that women have. And if you could just give any advice to that person that's having that thought. One woman may be thinking, why am I so bored? I thought this was supposed to be the most magical moment of my life. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so bored. I'm time of my life. Because having a baby is full of the same thing over and over. And it is monotonous. And it is pretty boring. So you probably feel bored because it's boring. And going back to knowing yourself, I was just talking to a good friend about this. If you're someone before having a baby who's loved spontaneity and novelty, you're the friend who brings good vibes to the party. You're the friend who says, let's do this for the weekend. You're going to find it especially boring. And so I think there's a two things are true here. I'm allowed to find this boring. And this season is not a barometer for the whole relationship I'm going to have with my kid. Love it. And also, again, everyone online, calm down. There's nuance. You're so grateful and happy and you love this child. But you can have these feelings. Yes. OK, someone thinks I thought I was supposed to have a maternal instinct, but I have no idea what I'm doing. Instinct is what you've learned up to that point. Full stop. That's what instinct is. Instinct is. So like the idea that what we've learned until that point is going to help us in the hardest, most complicated job in the world, especially in 2026, when all the things that help our kids are being slow, quiet, available. All the things in 2026 is fast, more stimulation, distraction. And so the idea that that's going to come naturally, you know, probably I think what instinctual for a lot of people is I love my kid, but knowing how to handle them freaking out during tummy time or their first meltdown or the hitting at the sandbox. That's not most people say, yeah, if I did what's instinctual, I just scream at my child. Right. Oh, that's helpful to hear because I have said that to some friends. I'm like, I didn't learn this. And again, I mean, I like to be an overachiever. I'm like, I'm going to try to read. I'm going to try to do the research. But I'm like, why did I pay all this? And then I got out and I was like, Dad, how do I do my freaking taxes? I got all this education for what the things that I actually need to know. I have no idea what I'm doing. It's the same thing with motherhood, where I'm like, I get everyone's talking about this maternal instinct. I'm like, I'm going to lean in. But like, I don't know when people are like, oh, you need the changing table. And then you also need they need enough tummy time. And I'm like, well, why do they need tummy time? They're like, oh, because the head and the thing. And you're like, where did you learn this? Seriously? I think you're right that especially, you know, we've put in a lot more time and energy and probably money, all of it to learning things that are far less important than in our life than our day to day interactions with our kids. So just to be able to say some of this will come naturally and some won't like anything else in life. That's it. And if it doesn't, you can learn and get support. I appreciate you normalizing not having to know everything because that to every expecting mother or current mother or future mother is like, oh, thank you, Dr. Beck. Because I've been even having that. I'm like, when people are referencing certain things, breastfeeding and this, I'm literally like, sorry, hold on, slow down. What do I have to do? And I'm like, I know I will learn as I go, just like I've done everything in life. No one handed me a manual. But it does with motherhood feel a little bit like when you're looking online, you're like, wait a second, how does everyone know this? And then you just figure it out. Yeah. Okay, next one. Someone's thinking this baby stole my body. I think. This is so complicated. You've been in your own body on your own for however many decades. Right. And then you're growing a human for nine months. And then I think all the movies, they don't show that after you birth this human, like your body is different for a while. And I think and this is helpful for, you know, most moms first 24 hours, 48 hours, first seven days, the majority of their thoughts after having a baby. Are about themselves. Because if you ever had major surgery, forget having a baby, any major surgery, which essentially is the same as having a baby, cesarean, vaginal, whatever. Think about what someone would ask you. Okay, well, what have you set up for yourself? Who's taking care of you? What supplies do you have for your body? Do you know what your body is going to kind of feel and what it's going to look like? This is what anyone would do. Except when you have a baby, nobody does it. And then you think you're selfish and it makes perfect sense. So true. It's like, no, no, most people are like, rest, take care of yourself. Don't get up. We'll get that for you. Then you have a baby and everyone's like, hold on a second, like be the great mom. What are you doing? My goodness, like your vagina is ripped in half. Like, I'm sorry, your vagina is ripped in half. Right. Or your abdomen is cut in half. Seven layers deep. And then you're like, why don't I have this rush of bonding? Because you're in survival mode. Of course not. That's going to come after. That's so important, I think, to just acknowledge. And I think there's a lot of women who don't say it because it feels insane that, even to just hear that right after, you're going to be thinking about yourself because that is survival mode of, I'm trying to keep myself alive. Yes, so I can also be alive for this baby. But I've got to take care of me. We're back to the plane, Dr. Becky. We are. When they say, put the oxygen on first before you take care of the child, you have to be whole and good. Yes. And let's stay with that, the pilot, because there's a million pilot metaphors. That makes sense. Pilots board the plane before passengers do. They have a little time for themselves. And think about a pilot. If you're on a plane and you hear a pilot say, I love my passengers so much. I've been flying for three weeks straight with no rest. Three weeks straight with no rest because I love you so much. And I don't even want, get me, get me off that plane. No, I'd be like, you need to go for a nap immediately. Now. And actually, there's law that pilots, after a certain number of hours, have to go off the plane and take care of themselves because we know their job of taking care of others depends on that. So as a new parent, as a parent of older kids, whatever it is, we've created this false binary that I'm taking care of my kids or taking care of myself. You would never want to be on a plane with a pilot who wasn't taking care of themselves. Oh, we're loving this. Oh, the ladies needed to hear this one today. Okay. I don't trust myself. I feel anxious every time I'm alone with my baby. You know what I'd start with? It sounds like if I go back to confidence is self-trust. Well, it sounds like you actually do trust something. You're noticing you're very anxious when you're alone with your baby. We're just going to start there. You do trust that experience. Tell me more about it. Tell me, what is that like? Oh, well, I'm always worried I'm going to, you know, drop my baby. And honestly, kind of obsessive compulsive thoughts after you have a baby are one of the most common forms of anxiety. And it sounds really scary. It's like, I don't want to, what if I drop my baby when I go down the stairs? Who thinks that? Oh my God, I'm going to who thinks that? And then what you do is you get in an avoidance cycle. You ask your mom who's visiting, can you take the baby down the stairs? Right? And then you tell yourself, I don't trust myself because in some ways it's been hard to separate. That's a thought. In fact, the thought gives me pain because I don't want to do it. Right? And so, look, this is such a good reason to make sure. Someone said, what I do for all my friends when they're pregnant is I give them a partner. I give it to the partner. But also just knowing these thoughts are normal. You're adjusting to something totally new. I'm taking care of another human who's, you know, just completely dependent on me. And I also love how you're saying, like, again, thoughts are not facts. Saying things out loud, though, are so helpful because then, like you just said, oh, I'm so, oh, this seems like you're anxious. Why? Like, a lot of times the fear, I'm sure it can be unlocked by talk to me about what's going on. And I'm like, oh, I'm so anxious. Why? And I'm like, oh, whether it's your partner, to your mom, to someone who's helping you, anyone who's around, they're going to, by you just expressing what this fear is that's being in this intrusive thought, all of a sudden, there's probably going to be a helpful solution around the corner. But we need to be able to feel comfortable enough to actually vocalize what we're feeling instead of feeling shamed to be like, I don't want to say this out loud because it sounds actually crazy. Yeah. And I think you're right. You're taking it from something so global and you're just trying to find the specific. Again, so glad you told me that. Well, when do you feel like that? Tell me more. And then we can get into something more specific to intervene. That's a great point. Okay. Someone says, I was happier at work and I'm secretly really excited to go back. Am I a bad mom? So you are not a bad mom. Many moms feel like this. And I think this is also probably, Alex, helpful for you to reflect on. If you think about, let's say, zero to 10, with 10 being the highest, how stimulating your life is before you have a baby. their number before they go in. And everyone has a number that they kind of like. Some people like a 10 out of 10 stimulating. They like the work and they love the conversations and they love hard projects and they kind of like to travel. They like complex things. They like moving a lot. Being with a baby is very low stim. Very low stim. The best your day gets is your apartment looks kind of as good as it did in the start. You're probably not leaving your house. It's really hard to leave your house. You're like, all I did was what? I guess I fed. I washed some things. How is it 6 p.m.? And so your body is really adjusting. And if especially your work is a pretty stimulating environment, there's an understandable crash your body has totally separate from how much you love your baby. Totally separate things. Do you have any advice for people who let's say are in a situation where they're staying home with the baby because, you know, you just gave birth and their partner has to go back to work. And there's maybe a little jealousy of like, oh, you're getting to come home and you're telling me about your work day. And I'm actually speaking goo goo gaga language still. And I love this baby. Don't get me wrong, but I'm starting to go a little stir crazy. Like, how can the partner who is getting to go out into the world? How can the partner who is getting to go out into the world? How can the partner who is still interact and be an adult human being interacting with the other adults and coming back and getting kind of the good parts of both? How can that partner be supportive of the person at home? Great. Such a good question. I mean, to me, if that dynamic gets enacted a lot and I think what it says in terms of let's say it's that mom's more core internal need is what's the wish? I think that's like a helpful framework always. What's the wish? Well, I wish even as I'm home, I had moments of my week where fill in the blank. I was out talking to other adults. I was talking about something with someone that wasn't how many ounces the baby ate. Right. OK. And if it becomes less about you have this and I don't and more. OK, well, underneath that comparison, is there something I wish for that? I'd like my partner's help figuring out how I can carve out time for me to meet those needs. So on Saturday, can you do this? And I'm going to go get those needs met. It's a great point. Again, I think like we talked about boundaries, now it's actually like a lot of this comes down to vocalizing what you need, because a lot of it is probably you're internally going through a lot and you just went from essentially knowing one version of yourself and then now you're meeting an entirely new version of yourself. And I even will admit sitting here, I'm like, I am so excited for this time off. Like I've never really taken time off. I can't wait. But there is a lot of time off. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. There's a little part of my brain that's like, you think you're going to be able to go almost three months with like no work and just this baby. And that sounds to me amazing. But I'm like, oh, I know myself. I'm going to get the itch and I'm going to have these feelings and to not make myself feel guilty for not being so satisfied with just sitting in a home with this child, but finding other things for myself to do to feel like I'm stimulated. That doesn't make me a bad mother. No. If I think about my first couple days after having my first, I had an emergency C-section for my first and I had to be under anesthesia. My son came out totally healthy. But I come home and I've always really liked action. And I was baking biscotti. And this is a totally psychotic thing to do. And I was cooking for people coming over. And I said to my husband one day, I think it was day six. I was like, oh, I'm going to have to do this. I'm going to have to do this. I'm going to go. This is crazy. I only need four hours of sleep. No. Obviously, he was like, oh, my goodness, we've gone to the dark. We've gone to the dark side. He's like, you're losing it. I'm losing it. And then I crashed. Wait, did you say this on day? So it's probably day six after having a baby. Yeah, no, no, no. And you had a C-section? And a C-section. No, no, no, no. No, I was not paying attention to anything going on. I think my brain was like running. And in some ways, I think trying to repeat the life I had had eight days prior. Like, just let's get back to it. Back in it. I completely crashed. I mean, I had to go back to the hospital. It was like so bad. And I think you're right, though, to go in knowing. I wish someone had said, Becky, your brain is going to want to keep doing all the things. And that's probably where deep down you've gotten value. You get endorphins. You feel like yourself. You are about to meet a totally different part of yourself. Not just Becky as mom, but Becky as someone who stays in bed. My husband made me nap. after that every day, I'd say, insane i'm not even tired every day i would nap every day but i didn't know it i didn't i didn't you fall asleep in two seconds i'm not even tired it's like good but you're like okay literally best nap of your life literally every day oh wow yeah we have no we have to listen to our bodies and we have to not try to just pretend like something didn't massively change yeah um okay you give the best advice we're gonna do some rapid fire to get your take on some hot parenting topics are you ready ready okay your kid says i hate you what do you do i would say nothing in that moment probably say it again i'd say i love you let's talk when you know things are a little cooler okay screen time do you have any best practices oh this one's so hard because people everyone has different perspectives and i don't know if you have any best practices we need different things i really respect that and screen time tends to be the solution to the problem today and the cause of the problem tomorrow oh that one hurt that was a good that's a good line oh that's a good one let's quote that okay is bribing your kid ever okay yes certain situations require m&ms to get out the door it's fine okay i love that um how do you provide for your child without making them spoiled oh this is a more nuanced question than it appears on the surface because i think we're talking about spoiled and entitlement entitled kids are kids who've never learned how to tolerate frustration and worse they're kids whose frustration was met with an exit ramp and so they believe the world should continue to offer that i am not someone who should feel frustrated which you can't blame a kid for when they're 18 if that was kind of what was taught to them so the best way for kids not to become entitled and spoiled is to make sure tolerating frustration not avoiding it or exiting from it is just part of the everyday life of a kid that's great advice um how do you handle the in-law who undermines all of your parenting oh my god i feel like we could do a whole episode on this yeah i mean i think this comes down to your marriage and how open you can be together about kind of those dynamics and then you know i do think there's a kill them with kindness approach and say it's to my mother i'm not in law where you can you know say some version of like hey our relationship is important to me let me start with that and it's probably only going to become more important now that i have a kid and i know you really care about that kid as well i'd love to talk to you about something that has been kind of hard in the house that i'd love to be able to shift because i know we both want the best for this kid right and so being on the same team against a problem the problem is the different messages the problem is the passive-aggressive comment if we can see a situation that way versus the problem is my mother-in-law we can usually align with someone instead of against them you're good at this whoa you're like easier said than done in the real world whoa okay um if a child goes through a phase where they are strongly preferring one parent what do you do totally normal again kids are just playing around with their relationships they're trying to figure it out what do you do if you're the it's usually harder some for the non-preferred parent right um you can't give me a bath only mommy can do it give me a bath right number one try humor just actually in general lean into a resistance instead of fighting it it's so true i don't even know where a bath is and i pick up my kid is this the bath and i kind of hold my kid over the toilet my kid's gonna say that's not the bath all of a sudden we're connected and usually i can roll with it or just the other version is just allow it and just kind of move on you wish mom was giving you a bath tonight that's it and then keep going i like the humor advice that's good if you see another kid being mean to your own kid when do you step in um i mean i think there's probably degrees and then there's repetition right so something seems really out of control really bullying i might step in stayed you know right away and just say whoa that is not okay in this house i'm not gonna let that happen i have two good kids you can't talk to my kid like that there's no more of that or maybe it's lower key and i'm more likely to think oh why does my kid let this these little things keep happening um and then i'd probably intervene with my kid in a again in a quiet moment hey i'm noticing whenever kieran comes around he takes all your trucks and says you can't play with any of your own trucks like what's going on there do you do you like that what do you want to figure out what you could say let's think about that together because i know those situations are hard in the moment but i feel like if we kind of come up with a little game plan we can figure it out together and at what point do you go to the bathroom and you're like oh my god i'm gonna go to the bathroom to the other kid's parent um i don't know if there's an exact science to this um you know again it's probably something to do with how extreme and the repetition and again i think these can actually be productive conversations if again we assume this kid is probably also a good kid having a hard time not having enough boundaries whatever it is i can say look i want to share something with you let me just say off the bat i don't think there's any bad kid here but this is something i know i would want to know um and i want to share it in a way that you might find useful but i notice great okay what is your take on allowing your children to see you cry or really break down i mean i don't know if the word allow is how i think about it sometimes that happens again our kids are kind of assessing our sturdiness so if i can help it i probably don't want to be breaking down all the time but seeing us cry doesn't kind of disorient a kid as much as seeing us cry and then not talking about it or making up a random story that doesn't make sense right so hard things in a kid's environment that's not what's hard for a kid what's hard for a kid is when they notice things in their environment and no adults talk to them about it because then they have to make up their own story right and the stories a kid makes up tend not to be accurate or useful right and so if you cry just talk about it with your kid hey you saw me crying over there you know and then whatever version feels developmentally appropriate i was talking to a friend who got some sad news about someone she loves and sometimes when our friends are sad we're sad you know and then i think a line that's helpful is you know i can be sad and take care of you at the same time because that's probably what a kid is really wondering that's so helpful just everything i think also that you've shared today about like so much of it is kids really how did you say earlier you're like they're just wanting to understand like who they are in the world and is this real and what's happening and so as a parent just like giving them guidelines and guidance in those moments where they're kind of floundering and looking around not giving them the answer but just giving them those safety guardrails in moments that feel scary um is really helpful to take away from today for me and and kids notice everything they notice more than we do because right their survival is dependent on their attachment with us because they can't take care of themselves for an insane amount of time and so they have to perceive everything in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're in the moment that they're safe is that safe is that a threat is that a threat so they they notice everything and so i think sometimes we think we're protecting them by not talking about something they've already seen it so either they've seen it and they have a story from you to understand or they've seen it and then they have to make up their own story or they start to going back to confidence alex they start to doubt their perceptions well mommy's belly does keep getting bigger or i do keep hearing my uncle's name and cancer all the time but maybe i'm wrong maybe i don't really notice that because no one's talking to me about it you have done so much work i'm wondering like what are you most focused on and interested in now you know it's such good timing for this conversation because i think my my parenting work some of it so much of it started with pregnant women and new parents in my practice right that was and when i started good inside i had a lot of time to think about how i'm going to do this and how i'm going to do this and i had toddlers and then my kids have grown up into teens and so that's kind of naturally where so many things went but now at good inside we're so excited to be focused on the pregnancy and baby stage because in some ways i think it's it's how we really start to lose ourselves especially as moms we're obsessed with the fruit size of our baby which by the way i totally was too and it's very fun and we track everything which again i think we can do but we kind of lose track of ourselves by only kind of focusing on everyone else and so to be able to help new parents and show up and just say yeah let's help you with the feeding let's help you with the sleep but also let's help you with you let's help you learn to set boundaries let's help you in your partnership before things explode and that that's what's really exciting me right now you also are writing children's books yes what is different about your book um you know i i love children's books i'm obsessed with children's they've always helped me be a good parent when i'm too exhausted to be a good parent like i'd come home and i'm like i can't i'm like all right i can read so let me just pick out a book that feels like it has some good themes and i can ask like one question at the end i'm like perfect have myself on the back so i wanted to give parents i think they're tools when they're the right books and i always love robert munch books um i just they show kids doing not nice things saying not nice and i've never been too afraid that seeing those things are gonna make my kids act that way i'm like kids are exposed to all types of things in the real world yeah but a book with some hard stuff allows me to say oh i wonder what you would do if you were charlie oh have you ever felt like pia do you know i don't know if you knew this but when i was six i i hit people sometimes if you want to have your kids mouth drop and be have successful interventions with them you tell them that's right they're like what my amazing mom used to hit and you're like oh yeah oh yeah let me tell about that. And now all of a sudden you reduce shame because you can say you're not the only one. But if they hear a story of when you struggled with something they're going through, they have proof that they're not the only one. And nothing changes behavior as much as adding that component. So I was saying, let me show real situations. Every parent has them anyway. And also show parents through a picture book how maybe they can intervene a little differently. And then to be able to read a book like that and then say, yeah, I had that. Or what do you think? Again, you're going to have an eight-second conversation. But that's all sometimes that you need to unstick things. Absolutely. Okay, last question. As someone who's about to enter the mom club and to anyone that's watching that's also about to become a new mother, what is your last piece of advice? Anything that comes to mind. It doesn't need to be the best advice. But just anything that you want to leave and impart your wisdom on me and us with today. I mean, I think the best framework I think about as someone's becoming a mom is just knowing yourself and making sure you're in the equation is a foundation to taking care of a child. And so if you know the things that make you feel like you, right? And you kind of, like, I love dancing to some song from high school. It makes me remember I loved that. Or I really like to work out a couple days a week for 20 minutes, but that makes me feel strong in my own body. You'll probably have a hard time doing them for the first number of months. But just knowing that part of your job as a mom is keeping those things alive for your benefit and for your kids' benefit. That's what I want to make sure people know. It's such good advice. I definitely going to do that because I could see myself being like, oh, my God, I'm losing my way. And what do I want to do? And it's like, well, what made you happy before? And what makes you feel like yourself? And I agree. So you can show up to be the best version of yourself. It is it seems simple. But just from what everything I've heard from friends who have gone through this, like, you're in this little vortex, and it can be a lot and overstimulating and confusing. And all of that is okay. And you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself. And you need to in order to feel your best because yes, this child is amazing. But you're also you deserve to live also a happy life. And being a mom is not your entire identity. You were someone like you said for decades before this. So you're not just gonna like drop her off on the side of the road and just like come up with a whole new persona and identity. You still have to nourish that side of yourself while also embracing the new aspects of yourself. I think that's exactly it. And all the hard parts of being a mom. And I think that's exactly it. a tantrum instead of just, you know, making it go away right away. If I've had a couple moments of my week where I feel like me, my ability to do that is so much higher than if it's just one kind of thing after the next of only taking care of someone else. So I think it all comes together. Dr. Becky, I can't thank you enough for coming on call her daddy. I feel enlightened. I feel inspired. I feel more prepared. And I think that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to And I also feel like there's so much in here that tangibly, I appreciate you giving so many concrete examples because I really feel like there's so many things that people probably quite literally were writing down today. I know I'm like going to go back and write all of this down. You are such an inspiration. You have such a clear vision. And it's really, really nice to have a woman who can speak so eloquently about something that is very complicated. And it is And so thank you for giving us your time. And I know we went a while, but I needed to squeeze everything out of you. So thank you so much for coming. Thank you. You asked such an amazing range of really thoughtful questions. I really enjoyed this. So thank you.