Doug Benson + Chris Hardwick (Carolla Classics)

[Music] Welcome to Cruel Classics, I'm your host, Superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we put at best moments highlights and fans like to clip small 17 years "The Adam Coral Show". If you look at gay access to the "Add Free" archives "The Adam Coral Show", the "Adam and Dr. Drew Show", as well as the newer podcast "Beat About". Make sure to check out Adam Coral's sub-stack "AdamCoral.Substack.com". Sign up, listen "Add Free". If you'd like to request a clip, please e-mails [email protected]. Now on to the clips. Coming up first today, we have "Adam and Dr. Drew Show" 509, an oldie but a goodie. There's a live show with Doug Benson that we've never played before in "Coral Classics". Along with Brian Bishop and Allison Rosen from 2011, February of 2011. Check it out. Hello and welcome to Pluto Fault. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV. We're all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch anchor man, the legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Welcome to the real world. Mean girls. Side up. Titanic. I'm the key in the world. And so much more. For showtime. Press. Nothing. 24/7. That is so fast. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. Thank you. So here's what we're going to do tonight. I'm going to talk for a couple of few, oh Doug Benson's already here. Good to see you, Doug. Huge fans evidently. That's right. You're going to convert this whole room into Doug Benson fans. That's right. Yeah, smoke some spleen for the show. Bring Doug Benson out here. We'll do a totally topical Tivo trivia right in front of you and you can see just how fast. The great thing about ball brine is because he's bald you can see what he's thinking. You can actually see how fast he comes up with the answers to these movies and we should probably open it up. You could probably play along if you get drunk enough and want to shout something out. So I'll bring the crew out. We'll do the news. We'll do Doug Benson. We'll do the Tivo trivia and then we'll end up with a little this week and rage lifestyle. Uncensored. First, started early this morning, had to be on the KTLA lot at 830 this morning. And I don't know if you guys heard me bitch about the folks that run the arm by the way. Here in a you work in a photo mat essentially with a wall mounted air conditioner and you're essentially in charge of a piece of one by six that's nine feet long. That's what you own. But there's a switch attached to that and you either flip it up or down and you control the universe according to you and so I pulled up and I said I'm doing the KTLA morning show and they said what's your name and I said George Clooney and they said Adam Corolla and they do that thing when they go nah and it's like look at least a pretend first of all these guys read at a fifth grader level so by the way how I mean I want to see some finger drag and goddamn it but it's like no not not on the list and I don't know what the fantasy is at that point I'm gonna go you got me and then go drive back up the hill and go home and beat off and go to bed like I'm supposed to do the fucking show when you want me to say to you can you check again and they go oh man now I said no the humanity and by the way this is your job your job is to sit in this photo man and move that stick up and down I love that you love people have gigs where when you come in and ask them for something it's like you kicked open the door of and they're in the shower and they're like what the fuck it's Sunday at noon what are you doing in my home you're at work bitch I'm trying to get onto the fucking lot by the way you don't own the lot we give you $9 an hour to look at it do you understand and then so she does the who you hear to see I always love that one who you hear to see I don't know anyone who works for the KTLA morning show so I do the I don't know and then she say well who should I say is calling and I say remember the name I gave you 18 seconds ago go ahead and use that name and then though but they're put upon oh Jesus Christ oh I got to pick up a phone oh the fucking humanity this was not on the job description I did not know I would have to be and again there's five attempts just to get me to go away like well you don't have a name I can't if you're not here you can turn your car around I again the fantasy that everyone who's attempting to get on the lot would just fucking turn around and go home as the part that kills me I do like the net by the way that they have at this club in case in case parole is comedy is so bad someone tries to take their own life they'll be spared like somebody working on the Golden Gate Bridge in the 30s so I basically did the morning show and I got this one I the other the other part about people not wanting to do their job that part where they end whatever they ask you and then end it with or no like I go would you like some makeup or no now here's a deal I will answer the question you just put before me I will say yes or no you don't have to feel in or attempt to guess my answer I'm going to give it to you in about three tenths of a second except for you just jumped in and by the way whenever I hear or or no I always just go yeah because I don't mean you don't want to do it it's what makes me a genius so and again it's the beauty of morning local morning television because they're like would you like some makeup there's no such thing as that question in any other form of television it's like right this way to hair and makeup like would you like some makeup or no and I went with or yes and then I did that thing you guys do this everyone's a germ freak right everyone's like when you're when you're taking a shit you're doing that thing where you either they have the ass gaskets or you will make one out of a dacophage of toilet paper we like a whole bunch of postage stamp size little pieces on there just enough so none of your ass actually makes contact with the plastic we're all freaked out with the plural and we're all oh I don't shake hands I do the fist bump and the high five and the bubba no all freaked out until you get to the bowl of anonymous bagels and then they're ones that guys ripped in half probably used their teeth like a grenade just ripped it half through the I spit the other half back into the bowl I walk up there I say I don't want a whole bagel but this one's got fingerprints and cheese on it I'm going to grab this one and that bagel that's been there since 5.45 in the morning is now entering my purel covered hands in mouth all right sure we get going and bring out the fellas and the gals from the Adam for all the podcasts please welcome Paul Bryan and Allison Rosa. Here's your eyes from the John love it's comedy club at Universal City Walk this is the Adam Corolla show Adams guest today comedian Doug Benson Hill battle Adam Allison and Brian in a round of totally topical T-bo trivia time tonight plus Allison Rosen on news Paul Bryan on sound effects and Adam on this week and rage and now live and chicken Adam Corolla yeah good day Allison Rosen hello Adam Corolla Paul Bryan you want to show everyone how fast your fingers are no no no okay I said case I said you want to hang out play a topical trip trivia T-bo trivia yeah it's good it's a fun thing yeah yeah we'll have a good time Benson's good well sometimes it doesn't always go great Benson's getting high in the parking lot we'll break it yeah but he'll be out here don't worry he'll be on his game all right Allison you got the news I sure do five from the International News Center next to Donnie's minibites this is the news with Allison Rosen all right Adam and audience the Hollywood Reporter put the Kardashians on the cover last week oh it is about time those bitches got to meet I felt so bad for the publicist over the years finally they can finally yeah I know what their name was again Kardashian oh that's a kind of sweater oh you remember them from the OJ out many years ago she was in the original I don't know their names all start with K no but anyway they put on the cover because they earned so much money last year now guess how much money they earned as a family last year combined all -The Kardashian. -Right. Yes. Well, first off, I know more than the gross domestic product of many countries. Including Holland, where apparently we are taking this podcast. -That's the last night. -Yes. I'm going to say $46 million. I'm sorry. It is higher than that. What? What? -More than $46 million. Jesus Christ. I got to do a boot late. -$60 million. -$5 million. -You want to mean you? You got one of the split phones? I got a cash in. -$65 million. -$65 million. -$65 million. -Yes. -The Kardashians are part of it. -Now, here are some of the cash cows in their empire. They have four TV shows keeping up with the Kardashians. Courtney and Kim take New York. Courtney and Chloe take Miami. They're taking. They're taking their annexing them. -Right. -And then Chloe and Lamar. They have a best-selling book, Kardashian Confidential. -Okay. -What do we need to know about 19-year-old Hors? Like, I love it. I love it when these chicks turn 20. They're going to write a tell-all book. -What about them as confidential? -Yeah. What part? What is it? We don't know. -Yeah. I know. I don't know. -The whole reason we know them is because one was fucking Ray Ray and Jamaica five years ago. I don't feel like there's anything we don't know about that family. I feel like we don't know that much about the younger ones. -The littlest Kardashians. -Yeah. -Because they're just coming into their Kardashians right now. -Right, right, right. We're right-bending. -As we call them around the Corolla House, Horlitz. -Oh. -Just the little ones. -That's so cute. -Yeah, they're coming out. -Yeah. -Mm-hmm. -And then. -What? -Am I. -Why are we fascinated with everybody? You know what I mean? -It's women. That's what he said. -Women are fascinated with them. But they should hate them. They're the enemy. They ruin it for everyone. I'm just saying, like, uh, but why- -She has a large ass, so she's a great role model. -Okay, but let me just say this. You're right. I blame the women on- Yes, this one. I blame the women. I blame the women. -But usually you give them a free pass. -No, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because my- [laughter] My wife knows everything about the real housewives. Miami, Atlanta, LA, to Crete. She-she-watches all the real housewives shows. But if I asked her, uh, what decade did World War II take place? She'd be like, I don't know. I know it was the '80s, but I don't know if it's the early '80s. [laughter] -Well, which couple are they? -Why should we have some interested things that are interesting? Instead of just watching chicks fight? Because that's not interesting compared to the real housewives franchise. Think about it. Your wife goes to a party. Which is going to come up more? World War II or the real housewives? You go to one of my reenactment parties. I can fucking well tell you what's going to come up more. Oh, I got it. It's exciting. I'm at the door. How light access. How light access. Let's go. Let's go. Right. Goose step it over there with the access powers. I never get an invitation to those parties. I think I know how it would end for me. Sixty. [laughter] Hey, uh, Alson, come on, come on to the kitchen. It wouldn't be for a second. It's a toast to you. It's the light off in the oven or I can't tell. Like, it smells weird. So Delaware, this will appeal to you so that's to do with Dancing with the Stars. Oh, wow. That's different. That's a mainly activity. [laughter] Delaware Senator Cristino Donald is considering going on Dancing with the Stars. She posted about it on Facebook saying, quote, "I just got the official ask from Dancing with the Stars." Two exclamation points. Oh, really? Uh-huh. She's-- see? Now wait a minute. Two exclamation points. Is she the wick in one or is that somebody else? No, that's her. She's the wick in anti-masturbation. What? I mean, oh. Although, so that she continued with her posting, although I am utterly flattered, my initial thought was to decline. As two-year-old nephew has more rhythm than me and my two left feet. As exclamation point, as exclamation point. [laughter] I mean, thanks I should do it. What do you think? And then a whole bunch of people wait in. I'm the pros and cons. Mm-hmm. What do you think, Adam? Well, uh, I got to tell you it's hard. It's hard to defend something you've made fun of since it existed. And then you did it. And now you've become some sort of advocate for it. I feel like someone has been driving drunk my whole life. And I just ran over Mexican family. And now all of a sudden, I'm going PSAs. Talking about the dangers. That's how it happens, though. Oh, that probably-- I'd probably put the beer down, or at least I'd probably leave it full. So you didn't think I'd drank the whole beer before the PSA. Right, right, that's how I do. Oh, no, wait, you could think I was on my second beer. I'll hold it behind my back. And not in a suspicious way, either. Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah, dancing with the stars. We were talking about your first PSA about drunk driving. Which relates to this-- Yeah, I swear to you, the only reason I ever did dancing with the stars is because I remember exactly where I was. And I don't remember where I was when I proposed to my wife or where I got married or where my kids were born. I don't know where I was. And any time in my life, but I do know where I was. I was standing in the parking lot after the KLSX show. Somewhere, I don't know, '07, '08, whatever that was. Standing on the bar, and my cell phone rang. And it was my agent. And my agent said, they want you to do dancing with the stars. And as soon as I heard that, I got this weird shiver, this like electricity through me. Like, remember when you were in junior high? The rhythm got you. Yeah. And I swear the rhythm wasn't going to get me. But Gloria Stepan was right. And eventually caught up to me and then right me on the park K. I was hoping me and the rhythm would work out differently. Right. No, I had that feeling. And you guys have had this at some point in your life, like all of a sudden I was in the eighth grade and some guy named Tommy Higgins-Dollar said, oh, meet you after school. And then walked away. And it was like that weird like, oh, shit, I got to fight this guy. I didn't do the stars through down. They grew down. They threw down the dazzled gauntlet. And I remember going, oh, shit, I was scared. And then I thought, I have to do it. Because I'm this scared. Right. Because if it felt that scary and I didn't do it, like, I could have composed myself and said, oh, that's lame. I don't want to do that. And it is. But that would have been a lie. I was scared and then realized I had to don the Zorro mask in cape and step up. Right. She does a new Lord of the dance. Right. That's right. So you think Christina Dollars should do it then? Because she's got the fear. She's like an anti-mastervation woman who uses too many exclamation points. By the way, you can't do the anti-mastervation thing. Because first off, it's like, I can't jiggle the leash and my dog's collar and yell, we're not going for a walk. We're not going for a walk. The dog's just going to be like, what? What? I just heard walk. And your dick will just hurt masterbation. It doesn't hurt. No. And by the way, the boy-- I would love the overunder on a time it took to beat off when a guy announced no masturbate. The overunder is nine minutes. And that's when he's at work. Do you know what I'm saying? You can't say no dessert, no cigarettes, no beer, no masturbation, no heroin. And when you say no, it will happen. It's like, are you smiling with that book, The Secret? You guys know the secret? That cheesy self-help tone? Sure. But anyway, the whole idea of the secret is that you attract things to you. And if you're talking about how you don't want something, the universe doesn't hear the no, or the don't. So if you keep saying, I don't want to lose this, I don't want to lose that. You're going to-- Right. --and I think it's a masturbation secret. All right, so don't say no. OK, I got it. I do want dry anal rape. [LAUGHTER] Whether you do it or don't, you're going to-- What? Wait a minute. That's the two-part. You just said don't. Why the dry, though? Because the last time you were talking about it, which was very recently, I was thinking, like 20 minutes. Listen, what goes on backstage, Alson, is to stay backstage, please. That was on the show. It was between the two of us. Thank you. Yeah, well, the dry part? Yeah. Well, that's the part that makes it offensive, you know? That's the insult, right? [LAUGHTER] As opposed to a gift. Well, one part is a car wreck. The other part is a car wreck with no insurance, you know what I mean? That actually does make-- That makes a lot of sense. --or super-hyde deductible. Right. That's the dry parts to hide deductible part of the anal rape. Yeah, I'm sorry. It does make sense. All right, so a Beijing woman has sparked international outrage after she posted a nude video of her 26-year-old daughter on the internet in order to help her daughter find a suitor. Wow. My parents haven't done shit. Yeah. About 1.5 million people have already viewed the video on five popular dating sites. The daughter introduces herself before noting, I have not had a boyfriend, and this is not because I am ugly. He hates so much. And she shows-- I'm bored. Oh, sorry. Do we get to see her? Yeah. That's the mom. No. That's the daughter. Oh, yeah, no, that is the mom, sorry. It's hard to tell with the Asians. They say black don't crack, but yellow don't-- mellow? I don't know. I don't know. But someone come up with one for the Asian. Because they don't crack either, but it's got to rhyme with another color, you know what I'm saying? She said the daughter goes on. Unfortunately, no one want. I'm translating because I don't think you speak. Sure, sure Unfortunately, no one wants me. So now I am seeking a prospective marriage partner. No matter whether or not you guys think I am special I am a rather distinctive person. I am not that annoying. Wow, I'm not that annoying. Jesus quit bragging, sweetie. My goodness. Not everyone pukes upon looking at me. So I don't believe that there is no one who wants me. Wow, it's so sad. It's not gonna work for me. You see how other countries treat marriage It's like we need to find a guy that can feed her and not beater that much and not cheat on her that much and you know I'm saying that's good. I'm saying Things are perspective over in the rest of the world, you know what I mean? I'm just saying this is a marked contrast to Tiger mom that we talked about. I don't know Maybe this is the ultimate Tiger mom. Oh, she's like super involved. Well, this is helicopter Tiger mom, right? She's buzzing around with her flip camera taking pictures of her daughter naked and sending it out to the world It's guerrilla Tiger mom. Yeah, guerrilla Tiger mom. Yeah. All right. So here's some big news. Adam. Yeah, planters NEPMobile is going green. Yeah, times have you seen a giant Drive me down the freeway and you're like gas customer. There's a lot of just custom vans to say love Tron that are also known as the NEPMobile but for different more harm than totally different totally different things now It's newest iteration runs on via diesel and has a wind turbine solar panels LED interior lighting recycled parts and wood floors reclaimed from a 19th century Pennsylvania barn. It will make its public debut at the global green Oscars pre-party in LA on Wednesday I didn't invite somebody said it ran off of peanut oil too. I swear to God Donnie's cousin Sandy just called me yesterday and said the planters mobile may come to the shop and we might do a carcass about it He said it ran off of peanut oil, but I don't know Here's the thing about here's the thing about all the nuts and and the planters included and all the smoke shit and all of it It's too fucking salty all of it has too much whatever they put on it I do you guys wash your shit off? You guys wash your nuts in the sink. Thank you By the way, speaking of washing the nuts in the sink I was taking a leak in the sink about ten minutes before I got here and my daughter just ambushed me Did that thing looked at me daddy's being a sink and yelled gross and ran and when she yells gross and runs She's fucking squeal in like a canary when she gets in that next room. So there's my Nanny and my wife and everyone else It's a kind of thing It's like having a zit on your forehead It's not a secret to anyone, but you'd hope when you went out to dinner that everyone didn't point at it and say something They know it you know it, but you know what I'm saying right? Yeah, it's something that's not usually discussed right what I'm saying is you get the blue diamond smoke Cummins or you get the planters peanuts with the whatever salty whatever on it and you have to wash them off Especially when you get to the bottom it's too salty and too shitty then don't you just have soggy nuts? Yes, no you wash him a dry. I'm just saying it's too much shit like it's a you know The more harm than good category the smoke seasoning. They fucking overdo it all the time. Yeah, it becomes painful at a certain point Yes, there you are trying to chew on a couple of nuts. Yeah, and then your mouse on fire. That's right and you're bloated It'll see here's another locomotive type story what soon become possible to own your own compact Semi-submarine it's a partially and we should have a picture It's a partially submerged sightseeing boat run batteries. It's called the ego compact semi-submarine Yeah, the South Korean company that makes them plans itself leads to these to resort and single units to individuals And I'm guessing we we don't have the photo But what it looks like is it like floats on the surface and then there's this compartment underneath Like in the ball sack of the boat. It's not a submarine. It's a nutmobile. Yeah, it's a nutmobile. No, I mean that the The Mexican drug lords have had these things for a while. I am why are we so enamored with what's underwater? We get it. There's fish and coral and shit. I've seen enough Really don't like snorkeling. I do not want to swim with fishes Don't get me wrong. I'm really good at it. Yeah Oh, no, I know I know the sizes are love with diving and oh, it's like you're weightless Yeah, wait listen being like you're in space except for you're being attacked by shock Yeah, I don't get it. We get it. There's water you go under it. They're shit there. I never scoop it on now Let's eat. No, I've never been scooped because my ears hurt. It hurts my ears and let me tell you something last time I went to I went to Catalina. I went snorkeling with the Jimi and his cousin, South Jimmy's cousin, South is so prone to sea sickness and so is Jimi His cousin, South threw up into a snorkel That's a rental by the way where you don't get your deposit fact. That's the reason you leave a deposit and Yeah, I have to deposit. Yeah, I also won out. There's cousin, South I also went out on a half-day boat at a El Segundo many years ago with a Jimmy You guys want to hear this story? We Fuck it stupid. All right, so here's what we did Jimmy loves the idea of fishing He's in love like you know how I'm in love with the notion of being in love Yes, yeah, that's how I often described right. Okay. That's me. It's like that but with fishing for Jimmy and So we decide we're gonna get on a half-day boat at an El Segundo many years ago So the boat leaves at like 5 a.m. And because Jimmy is Jimmy Jimmy does a thing where he like I'll meet you your apartment at 12.30 will leave and I'm like how long is it gonna take us and you know When people do that thing that takes five minutes, but they drag it out well, we got to park the car We got to load the tackle box. We got to go to the pier. All right. There's four minutes now What are we gonna do with the other three hours? You know that stretch it out thing the couples do so Couples so he says Says it's like I'll beat your house. I'll beat your house at like I was like 2 a.m. And it comes over I don't even sleep that night. I'm so excited about fishing with Jimmy and El Segundo And by the way the dudes on the half-day boat out of El Segundo are some of the fuck it's scariest toothless Meth headiest I mean they are fishing for their food like they're literally they don't catch anything tonight They don't eat tonight. They'll eat the boot they caught and they're all these I mean they're sort of that They're like they're they're fat and they're wearing flip-flops and cut off sweats and you know in trucker's caps and everything and So we get down to El Segundo at about 3.30 because there's not a lot of traffic at 3 in the morning when you're going El Segundo, so the boat doesn't leave for another two hours So Jimmy and one of the worst tactical moves ever says we should get something to eat and and Jimmy suffers from sea sickness very badly and and so he goes the only place open in town is a hole-the-wall Mexican place That's locals only like hardcore El Segundo 3 a.m. Open all night El Segundo and we come walking in a place and you can hear the needle drag along the Marriotti and we come hi Valor, and And we go in there as much hardcore locals and Jimmy orders Wavos Rancheros and it's running Roney Wavos Rancheros he polishes off the entire thing two hours later we're on the boat and as we're taxing out We haven't even got past the breakwater yet Jimmy starting to get sick. It leans over the edge yaks into the ocean It was funny cuz Well, it was funny cuz I was down about 20 feet So I was just looking down like that looks like looks like some tortilla chips the pizza rice coming up That looks like Jimmy. I look down there. It's Jimmy leaning over the railing So Jimmy goes and I was gonna say lays down, but essentially collapses on top of a hatch Topside doesn't even go down below wants to be topside and get the fresh air He's half on a hatch. It's about eight inches above the deck and how their half is on the deck He's just lying there and everyone's got their tackle boxes around him and shit and he is that now we're heading out We ain't coming back for 13 hours and he's sick as a dog It's like literally half a day like it goes out at five in the morning and it comes back at five in the evening I already regret that you went. We're just puttering out there and Jimmy's already collapsed on this hatch and the thing that's Guys are you know rigging their hooks and doing they're all around like setting a beer on him and stuff Like getting their hooks and shit to go and and it's really it's like it's like a chalk outline on a corpse except for with with tackle boxes Like a talk tackle box outline on you and Jimmy's like a lion there like look like he fell out of a building how you land weird You know, he's like about once every like two hours. I see Jimmy you want to go down below and And but let me tell you something But let me tell you something about the spirit of the Mariner. Every man on that vessel tipped Jimmy out with a nice perch or beneath, a before and last last ones for you. He was not Jimmy Kimmel from Late Night TV fame. This is long before the man show or any of that stuff. They all tipped him out of fish. Again, the spirit of the Mariner. Yeah, that's right. Sure. That's beautiful. Then the deadbeat dance went home and beat the shit out of their old ladies, but either why. That's the spirit of the Mariner. Yeah, see. All the people at boats sound like there's been times that I've walked down piers and there's people fishing and they cast back and I'm like, they're going to get my eye. Yeah, yeah. There's some part of me is going to be on the end of a hook. Last time I went fly fishing with Jimmy. He went back to fishing. He loves fly fishing now. He's in Huey Lewis. Just go fly fishing for hours and hours on end. He's living his dream out. I hooked our partner Daniel Kellison in the neck with my hook and I mean, I mean, hooked. Wow. I mean, set the hook. Right. The hook would not. And when I went, it was the back calf. Like the back calf? Yeah. Did this big wind came up? Did that? Wicked it forward? And felt his neck. I'm sorry. I swear to God, then did this thing and I mean, I swear to God, it is like a Hollywood special fact. He did the, what? What's going on? What's going on? I said, it's no big deal. Let me have a look, see. And I took it and I pulled it and it's stretched out like a rubber, just, we're, we're in the middle like Montana in the middle of a river in the middle of nowhere. That's Daniel Kellison. He's stuck at his neck and we are with a fishing guide who, let's just put it this way. The day before on the same river, we stopped halfway down the river at one of his buddy's house so we could score some hash and get really super hot. Like that's, that's the kind of, this is about a year ago. This is how, this is not long ago. This is how, this is the kind of guide this guy is like, hey, man, hey, man, let's pull over here. It gets his crazy hash. I was hallucinating the entire time. It was a crazy river hash, but the dripping with oil and everything, but maybe you didn't really hook his neck. Oh no, no. This is the following day. I absolutely hook this neck and, and I, it was a hook and once the bar gets to the other side, they ain't coming out, not without a tear or a fight. So I started pulling on his whole thing came out like a stretchy rubber inner tube, you know. And this guy, and by the way, you know the guys who have no decorum, like this guy probably high on the hash, but he had no decorum. He was like, when I pull, I was like, oh shit, man. Wow. Comforting. Wow. And we're sort of looking at this guy to go, so I said, like, what do you do when, when something like this happens, it must happen all the time. No, it don't. No, it don't. And it like, well, but it must happen before you're a fucking fissure guy. It must have happened. He's like, well, one time it happened and it picks the best place ever. Like, right in that little fleshy spot between your thumb and your happen one time there, but I just took some pliers. But never on the neck, man. And then there he goes, well, what do you want to do? It's like, I don't know. We're going to do, like I was ready to club it with the bag just to leave his body there. Yeah. Like, what do you want to do? I'm like, I don't know. And he's like, well, near his hospital, it's like 20 miles away. We're in the middle of this river. We got to boat the cars 10 miles down the river. And he goes, well, I tried this thing, well, tell you what we could do. We could push it all the way through and I could clip the end and then pull it through that way, whatever. And it's like every, every option sounds horrible. You know, that, that option of, I could push it further in like, whatever's just happened to you, I could do more of it. Right. It was something would work, but not necessarily. So Daniel's like, I can't, he can't see what's going on, he can't get out. Was he in pain? Yeah. He was, but it was more, he was more shocked by the whole situation because it was the neck and it was near veins and stuff like that. So this guy said, look, we can try this thing one time. I did it one time successfully, but it's when it was in the dudes, it was in the dudes thumb and the web of the thumb and the forefinger, but I can try it on his neck. And he said, here's what we do. We get a piece of fishing line and we tie it around the hook and by the way, we get the big, the high test stuff, like the 50 pound stuff. We tie it around the hook. I hold the guy's neck taught, I hold it tight and I position the hook. So when he yanks it, it doesn't tear out forward, but it kind of pops out the direction it went. And we'll do a one, two, three kind of move on a boat, by the way. And if it doesn't work, he'll die. Well, I don't know, he'll be scarred, but I'll have a good story. And the thing that was funny is the guy's like, now listen, you know, if this don't work, I can't be held responsible, you know what I mean, like you, I know you have a tie, do not sue me if this does not work, because I have no idea if this is going to work. And I held his skin as tight as I could hold his skin. I was like pulling his thighs and pulling, he got his string out there. He stood about three feet away, wrapped it around his hand, he was like, one, two, three, he just yanked it and pulled it like the last second and just popped it right out. Worked perfectly. And didn't even bleed. Yeah. What's he all proud of him? It was. And then we told Jimmy and Jimmy's like, did you get a picture and we're like, we didn't take a picture. What the fuck? And we were like, we were panicking. Yeah, we thought he was just going to bleed out. Sorry, where was I? Do you do one more store and we'll bring Doug Benson up here? Yes. London restaurant ice cream is- That reminds me of Fishing Store. One time I was fishing with Hog and Amdoss. Is selling breast milk ice cream. What the fuck? What's going on with the breast milk? Owner, really? What's really going on with the breast milk? No, I just mean, we heard all this breast milk stuff lately. I don't like it. Weird. Owner Matt O'Connor said the ice cream is healthy. Whoopies are for fuckin'. [laughter] [music] One that I start squirting milk and feeding people like shit. Like nine months after the fucking? Oh, yeah. Owner Matt O'Connor said the ice cream is healthy organic and a natural choice that tastes great. Breast feeding activists or lactivists see it as a way to promote breast milk as a natural food choice. Why are we promoting this? Because it's a natural food choice. I don't like it. Now you're probably wondering, where did they get the breast milk from breast obviously? Right. For the ice cream. Fifteen women answered an ad offering payment for breast milk. They were paid about $24 per ounce. The ice cream is sell the stuff at $22.60 and here's the real nauseating part. The ice cream is called baby gaga. [laughter] Jesus Christ. [laughter] But here's another thing. By the way, let me just say it's about ice cream. Ice cream is what you're talking about about the breast milk. Ice cream. We're done. It's so cold. It's officially delicious. There's 80 flavors and they're all fucking good. Pack it off and start working on aids. Let's stop fucking around with ice cream. It's done. It's good. No. Does everyone walk around all day dissatisfied with the state of ice cream? What is it with this cold, delicious, creamy mixture that melts in my mouth? I don't know. This milk came from a cow. Yeah. I can't relate. There's fucking 30 flavors. They're all good. You can put 80 toppings on it. Done. Moving on. Start focusing on other shit. Right. That's frozen yogurt. Like, throw it. No. We got it over that too. We're good in the dessert department. Now here's the thing. Ice cream is, you might think it's like some holistic granola, e, breast milk, kind of place. It's not, though. It's almost like a fetish club and the dress code is dressed to chill. Oh, God. And then the slogan is ice cream is, agents of cool. God. So, um. Anyone here in a weird fetish, I know you don't normally raise your hands in a group but Jesus Christ. That is a goddamn death sentence that weird fetish thing. You mean any weird fetish or a specifically breast milk ice cream? No. It just means the poor dudes who can't get a boner unless they have a bit in their mouth and are pulling a fat chick around in a cart. Getting their ass whipped. You know? By the way, anything that ever, whenever you hear something start with mistress something, go ahead and add 50 pounds to whatever, whatever you hear after that. I'm mistress. All right. We get it. You got big fat boobs. I heard you, like, dry anal rape. Well, again, that's more of a vocation, an ornate vocation. You're an enthusiast. I'm just saying, I don't know what to do. It's a life sentence. If you like seeing women smash bugs and that's the only way you can get off or two girls and a beer sign or whatever it is, I did the German version of it. I did the half of the hour. I did the two straw lines one beer sign. I did the October fest, a version of that scat thing. I'm just saying, the problem is, you're just, you're, you're, you're chained to this. You sit every, every waking moment has to be trying to connect with others. is there as fucked up as you are? - That's my life. - I mean, not? - Yeah, I know. You want to date him. But what I'm saying is I don't want to talk into other dudes that like to see cockroaches getting smashed by chicks with still little, still little heels, with a crap and a tumbler. - You know so much about this for someone who's-- - I mean, super know or whatever. I hear things. - Hypothetically. - Yeah. - Right. Yeah. - Yeah. - I think that's the idea. - You know who showed me that two girls in a cup thing? - So Vincent? - Oh, that would be good. - Wait, no, let me guess. Dr. Bruce. - No, he did two dudes in a bong. That was the different one. - No, the late great Robert Shimmel. And I can't talk more about it, but I'm suing his estate. - I never saw it. I never saw it. - I never wanted to see it, but he did this thing where he opened up a laptop and he went, hey, Adam, come here. It was during a commercial, the radio show. And I was like, what's up? And he's like, hit check this out. I thought I'd see some guy break in his femur in a kickboxing match or two penguins fucking or something, you know. - Tell us me, I see stuff that's so weird. It takes you a good four or five seconds of process. What am I looking at? And by that point, you're scarred? - Yeah. Yeah, there is a deer in the ass lights. Kind of a thing where he just, what the hell's going on? Yeah, he just hits this button and you see like, and you're like, oh, what is it? And then it's, oh, dear God. Oh, Jesus. - You can't unsee it. - Yeah, I was heading to the vending machine, but fuck it now. Yeah. - It happened to be once, I got pushed into watching a video of like a cat with no face. Oh, that and also the burn-troyer sex tape. - What? - The burn-troyer sex tape. That, I feel like, is on par with two girls one cup. - Really? - There's a burn-troyer sex tape? - Surprise, you don't have it. - I did not see it, did you guys know about this? - Yeah. - Who, who is she having sex with? - Someone who's a lot-- (audience laughing) - Which Kardashian is he fucking? (audience laughing) - I don't know why it's so disturbing, but it is. - Well, I'll tell you the disturbing part. The disturbing part is he's nailing a chick that's hotter than I ever could have got when I'm swinging a hammer. - I don't think of her being that hot. - Okay, 'cause a lot of these little people pull down some major leak tale. A lot of playmates and they just-- - That wasn't that bad. - So it's pretty good to me. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying, it's sad when dwarfs and like guys in prison get hotter chicks and you get on the outside when I'm on MTV. Didn't you know what I'm saying? - Did you have a real problem in your swinging a hammer MTV days? - I'm just saying, like once in a while, you're watching, you know, 2020 and they got the Menendez brothers and they're showing them their wives that they met in prison and they're like, she's a nice blonde piece of ass. Like what the fuck? That's pretty good for a guy who's never gonna get out of the joint. (audience laughing) - Yep. - All right. - There's, I don't know. There's, I can't even say for some kind of guy. - I think I heard the people. - No, but I think, well by the way, their parents had a comment. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - Listen, no, look, here's the deal. I mean this, I completely-- Here's the way I feel about this. First off, those two should be let out and they should pay some taxes. They don't, we're not doing them any good in the joint. But here's the deal. If, let's see, 14, 15 years from now, my son turns to my daughter and they're, you know, 19, 20 years old, and my son says, hey, I got a plan. While a dad, mom, or a sitting on the sofa watching a movie and eating ice cream, by the way, (audience laughing) how about we come in there with a shotgun and blow both their heads off. And my daughter goes, what day? (audience laughing) We've done a shitty job of parenting. - So be it. - That nature or nurture? - And what about your pink and the sink? - Nature or nurture. Yeah, that's what I'll hear in between the pumps of the shotgun. Yeah, yeah. - And the girly pull-ups. - I hope they have sinks in hell, old man. (audience laughing) - The time you called me the girl on the podcast. - But I just mean you know you're fucking horrible parent because the Lyle said to Eric or Eric said to Lyle, hey, I got a shotgun. Let's blow dad, mom's head off and then it went, all right, I'm in. (audience laughing) You're fucking horrible parent, yeah? - I know. Like get them involved in some activities. - Yes, yes. - So they don't have a free time to- - They, someone should have been taking, taking, should have been go, taking go-karting. That's all I'm saying. All right. - We're trying, yeah. All right, well, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosen, Zippet, to roll up. (audience cheering) - There's more with Allison Rosen coming up. (audience cheering) - All right, should we bring in the man from one of the most successful podcasts out there and also the Benson Interruption, which you can find on Comedy Central. Doug Benson, everybody. (audience cheering) Great to see you. (audience cheering) - Wow. - Holy crap, the fake applause died out before- - Yeah, that was bad. - Before the real applause ever happened. I just wanna say, oh, that sounds like farting. I wanna say, congratulations on your two year anniversary A.A. podcasting. (audience cheering) - All right, to celebrate somebody, I can't name drop 'cause I don't know who provided them, but somebody brought some amazing cupcakes that a lot of people are gonna get to have. - Yeah. - But not every person here. So if you're on a diet or something, sit this one out. - But how many do we have? - I think we have 15. - Oh, we have 200? - Yeah. - Is that enough? - I think so. - There's 5,000 people here at 'em. (audience laughing) - I think 200. - Thank you, Chad. - That's not perfect. - I think we'll be good. - Yeah. - Okay, so hopefully everyone will get one, and this one that I have right here, I think they're all the same, but I don't know if they brought a variety. But this is a bacon and pancake cupcake, which might be, which might be the best thing that's ever happened to me. (audience laughing) - Really? - Yeah. - And I'm gonna eat it right now. - Bacon and pancake. You choose love your bacon cupcakes, don't you? - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. - Wow. - Oh. - Oh my God, especially on the Sabbath. But this is the thing is about-- - I'm not Jewish, so I can eat the shit out of this. - Well thank God, they finally came up with a breakfast cupcake, because when I'm getting started in the morning, and I don't have time to get out the Johnny Cakes and the bacon, finally someone's put in the form of a cupcake. - When the hell are they gonna turn a Macrittle into a cupcake, and it's happened, and I cannot be more excited about it, because it's way before whenever McDonald serves breakfast. - Well, let's, while you eat the cupcake, let's-- - Do you have a center of bacon, Greece? - Let's break this down. It should, yeah. Here's the thing about McDonald's and the breakfast. How many, by the way, when you get, I would like to really figure out, what is the stronger, like sort of emotional urge? Is it pizza? Is it the egg McMuffin? - Or is it sleep? - Or is it sleep, or ribs? You know when you get that thing, where somebody goes, hey, thinking about some pizza, and your brain just turns into a fucking pizza, where you're like, oh my God, yes, pizza. Absolute, like pizza tonight. We start working out your toppings, like the other person gives a shit. I like the onion and sausage, but I like the crumbled sausage style. I like the round, or the meatball, whatever it is. But once you get on to either pizza mode or McMuffin mode, and the reason the McMuffin is so fucking powerful. Sorry, Joe, you thought you were just fine? - Why did I bring this up here? - The reason it got you reminding me, the McMuffin is powerful because-- - I'm gonna eat it. It's early in the morning, and your shit is hung over. - Oh god, damn it, sweet Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why does McDonald's cut off their breakfast? You know that point where they go, sorry, we already put the breakfast stuff away. Oh first off, let's break this down. Eggs, you put it here. It's not like you cemented over the grill, it's up the eggs and put them on the fucking top of the space needle. You put the fucking eggs, four feet away from where they work, go get 'em. - It's insane, why does the kids do that? - What kind of amazing transformation possibly occurs between McMuffin and Big Mac, that they can't just smooth it out and let you get either at any point when the restaurant is open. - I used to work at the goddamn McDonald's. It's the same fucking grill. There's nothing to put away. Leave the shit out. How many times you've done that thing where it's like 10, it's like 10, 45 and you go, they don't, they stop serving at 11. So we just made it in underneath the thing and they go, oh no, we stop at 10, 30. That's the other thing too. You gotta round up to a whole fucking number baby. You don't go 10, 30 on the cut off and on Saturday and Sunday, that shit you'd go to one in the afternoon 'cause I sleep in. - Crunch. - I swear to you, I'm talking to the dude through the speaker, like listen, I will suck your cock. If you can provide me, I got to be crisped $100 bill in my wallet and you can just shove your dick through that chain slide thing and I will suck it. If there's an egg McMuffin sitting on top of your cock, I will fuck it stuff your cock. Now come on. - Adam, Adam, if you would like me, I could suck my cock while I eat this. It would be the greatest thing that ever happened to a human being. I mean, not like if you could find a lady to do it, that'd be better. I know. Oh my God, it's so crazy. I don't need your-- I don't need your bacon batch. Oh, my. I'm having another bacon, baby. Done. It's a good thing you're carb loading because we got a game to play. Oh my God. I've never-- I have to be honest with you. The nice staff here at John Loveitt's comedy club, including a pregnant woman who I promised one of these cupcakes because a pregnant woman, what's better than a-- Sure. Yeah. That'll satisfy me. A bacon and bacon. They've been giving me a lot of vodka. So this will be the first time that I play Tivo trivia, Stone and Drug. All right. Well, and full of bacon. I feel like this still doesn't give me a fighting chance. We all-- I mean-- I have a brain tumor. He has a brain tumor. Oh my God. How often do you get to play the brain tumor now? I know. I never stopped. My crotch. I won on a two or three-- I won on a tear. I won two or three weeks in a row. And he never stops trotting that tumor out in front of me. Never stops. Never stops. Let's do-- I do love that tumor, you know? Tape it up. We're up some dirt on it. Let's go, dude. Excuses are like assholes. We all have them, and they stink, all right? All right. You want to-- I could use another cold one, by the way, because I feel like Doug and I are separated. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like another-- Thanks, Weezer. Thank you. I'd like another K&T. I have a quick story about Doug. I hope you don't mind. Doug, I do-- I do mind. I do mind. Right here. Really? Yeah. So, Doug and I went to Disneyland, and-- Yeah. Look at that. Doug, do you have any recollection of that, or is that it? I corroborate that I was at Disneyland high while Allison was also there. All right. Yeah. Now, Doug and I are both on Twitter, and we're both very active on Twitter, but he has, like, 8,000 million more followers than I do. Yeah. So, we're meeting up beforehand, and he says to me, let's not tell our followers that we're here together, let's see if they figure it out. And I'm right back. Okay, exclamation point. Sure. But what I'm thinking is someone is ashamed to be seen with me? Wow. Yeah. That's what it is. Is that true, Doug? Yeah. [BELL RINGING] Doug, is there any romance here? No, there was just riding roller coasters, and me wondering, God. Mm-hmm. Why won't he, you know? I really wanted to do that. I wanted to figure out if anyone from Twitter would be like, "Hey, you guys are both there at the same time." Because that happens whenever I do anything with anybody. But, turns out they didn't. So, I was like, "I should never talk to her again." Straight go over. And then now I run into you here. I know. That was a weird coincidence. Yeah. All right. Well, now it's your turn to be here. No, I love Allison, and we're going to go to Disneyland again, right? Because-- I told her he'd be going on the Tower of Terror. She didn't think she'd like the Tower of Terror. I thought I would be too afraid. But then there was this little kid there. And Doug was saying to little kid's mom, I think he's too little for this ride. But then Doug gave him a whole pep talk about how-- It's fun. It's like a bouncy house. And I was standing there, though, and listening to it. It's like a giant bouncy house with life or death consequences. Yeah. And when the kid started getting scared, Doug would be like, "See, it's fun." And then it would make me less scared. Do they have a tower-- I'm like a nine-year-old. They have a tower of terror out this one. A California adventure. Oh, OK. Well, you know, right? I have been there. I think the California adventure is-- Yeah, California adventure is retarded. Because you're basically paying money to look at things that are in California while you're in California. Yeah, they're like, "Hey, let's go over California." And you're like, "Awesome. There's Mexicans picking oranges." What is that? What is that called again? That's called Alvera Street. Awesome. Awesome. I feel like they have a great ride there, though. The Orange Freeway Grab. Well, you get in a little fake car and then a guy tries to sell you oranges as you drive by. I had the-- I had the-- I had the unenviable experience of having my daughter on my lap about three weeks after the whole Mackenzie Phillips Oprah thing came out. And we're just sitting there in California adventure. All they do is play, you know, beach boys songs about the way you stay. Oh, good be, Cal. Anyway, with California, it comes up. And they start playing California Dreaming by the Mamas and the Papas. And I'm like, "Ah, yeah. This is a song that the guy who was fucking his adult daughter wrote. Probably during his refractory period. This is awesome." So you had a new appreciation for the song? My feeling is, feel like someone should have pulled that out of the playlist. Right. Once the daughter goes on Oprah and says, "Yeah, my dad was having consensual sex with me when I was 19. Feel free to remove that one from your Disney Land experience." You know what I'm saying? That's what I was thinking about while I was at California Adventure. Also, that weird thing, when you run into somebody and a random place that has 80,000 people in it, but you don't know what to do because you didn't really know what to do. So how it is for everyone who sees you there? Well, I don't know. But I did that thing where I was walking around with my wife and my kids and everything. And we ran into the aforementioned cousin, Sal's. We ran into his wife and his kids. And it's like, it's totally random. Like there's 80,000 people running around here. And of all people, we run into Melissa. Yeah, we run into Melissa. That's what I think of her name. We call her Trojan ASCII. But anyway, it's a different circle. We run into her. We run into her. We run into her. And so it's that thing where you go, "Oh my God, hey! Wow! What the? I didn't know you were. No, that's crazy. No, we were just going to the haunted bench. Well, this is insane. How did that happen? How did that happen? You never finished sentences? Yeah, and you just go back and forth. And then you sit there, and you do nothing, and you go, "I'm fine." Well, all right. I guess we should move on. Is that weird thing? Or it's like, "Yeah, let's go on a ride together and wait in a line for 90 minutes, and we got nothing more to talk about." Never really happens. Like, you just go. It's a big deal, and then you just go, "All right, fuck it. Let's go. I'm hungry." That was our California experience there. That's never happened to most of us. But it is awesome when it does happen. You ready to play the game? I'm scared. Yeah, I am, too. I'm scared. Well, I'll tell you one man who is involved, Brian, over there. Here we go. Dawson, while he's sitting in a lower. He's sitting in a lower. He's in a lower-out. He's in a lower-out. He's in a lower-out. He's in a lower-out. He's in a lower-out. Time. All right, today. These are the actual Tevo description. This is the description that comes on the Tevo minus any actors or actresses. A lot of pressure with an audience that changes everything. Yellow your name if you know the answer. And we're going to play first to five. I'll never know my name. And Adam, are you going to buzz in his beat today? All right. Because I've been burned by my soft first syllable, right? Oh, the two syllable bird. No, no. Because I do that. And it doesn't register. Yeah, I'm going to call myself Pete. Yeah, this is Sam. He hasn't heard Brian. Brian has had a problem with two syllables. But okay. Allison, she's fun. No, he does the fun. He does the bun. I do the ooze. And then they always go, Brian. So I'm going with Pete. Thank you. I'm going to go with duh. All right. All right. With the help of his brother, a Pennsylvania investigates the appearance of Pete. Brian. Brian. Uh, signs from 2002. (audience cheering) You have night son of a bitch. A Pennsylvania of the help of his brother. Every night, Shyamalan movie is in Pennsylvania. That was a great feeling. And Mel Gibson for brothers. I think the two were estimulating the movie first. Even though one of them was a priest. All right. Sorry. Ball brines up one. Here we go. A sax player. A party girl. Pete. Oh, damn it. Say no most fire. From 1985. (audience cheering) Wait a second. A sax player. A party girl. When they get her name, all of the characters. In the T-bone description, that's crazy. The guy who's the brother is crazy. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Oh, okay. In Tokyo, to shoot a commercial. Brian. And Doug. Lost his translation. Cut. Alright. Three. That is correct. The man of steel. Crusades for nuclear. Brian. To the brand four. The quest for Pete. What's the whole title? Superman four. The fuck. They're superman. Quest for Pete. All right. So wait. The ball brines got three. Yes. I got one. Okay. Don't hog over here. It's got nothing. I'm just thinking of other things. Stop playing. Here we go. After a while. Allison. Two long food. Thanks for everything. Julie Neumar. Yay. Stag party. I heard Brian. Oh. Jesus Christ. I heard Brian too. The hangover. From 2000. I would say I was in before Brian. All right. All right. I had that answer. Here we go. Oh, a Los Angeles bookie. Pete out of growing. Oh Brian, now this one. Oh shit. Okay. Uh, damn it. I don't know. Fuck. I thought it was that to Niro movie. Sorry. Hires. Wait, wait, wait. Brian and Dardy. I'll just name. You just get to hear anymore. Yeah. That's how it works. If it's two for the money, I'm throwing it in this crowd. Hires an ox football star to find his runaway. I can't stall on. From 1984. I'm out of Kerala show, dude. Live with it. All right. Three to two, Brian. On an alien planet. Doug. Avatar from 2000. Yeah. Watch out. That football is really fragile. Really fragile. It'll go like Mars Japan. Seriously, it's expensive. I don't even I don't even need another point. The best part. That was the best thing that's ever happened to me. The best part. You have one. All right. That one is that I'm just saying. That was awesome. The three two one. Zero. Yes. Three two one. Zero. There we go. And unemployed defense worker. Brian. P. Falling down. Falling down. Yes. Defend. Defend. That was pretty amazing. I knew that one too. That was pretty good. I had four. Two. One. I was going to guess how I can breathe. A New York bookie. Brian. What's with all the bookies? Two for the money. And this time. Turn. A Las Vegas casino. Ellison. Chip Beverly Hills. Into an employer. Pete. Casino from 1995. I forgot it's a New York bookie. It's all the way. I know. Wait a minute. I was with the bookies. Four. Three. One. Yeah. I just have one. But one is so great. Sorry. Yeah. Avatar is such a little indie film that's really, really got under just an alien planet. I think there's under the radar. Nobody's even you guys heard of Avatar. I know. By the way, on that shoestring budget, I'm going to see it. I don't know if it's even on Blu-ray. I think it's all right. Okay. Let's see what happens next. All right. February second. Doug. Brian. What the hell happened on February second. Allison. Allison. Groundhog Day. Brian. What are you doing? Brian's next. Brian's next. Groundhog Day. I guess Groundhog Day. Brian, you don't really want to win on that when Allison gave you the answer, right? Oh, wow. Yeah, you know. You know me. I was getting answers from Allison. Yeah. You know what? We should do that thing. You do. Remember when your kid and you play basketball and a guy be up like 18 to 3 and you go, okay, next basket wins. I'm going to move. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it by 16 points. All right. How about this one? Next one wins. Next one wins. All right. I love it. All right. I just want to win. All right. I want more bonus one. Next one wins. Here we go. Great. And Venter's ray gun. Zaps his son. Adam. That mean Pete. Fuck. Doug Benson. Doug got it first. Doug, go ahead. Pete, I think you're going to be stepping up any second now because I can't think, honey, I shrugged the kids. Yeah. Doug, you're so awesome. How do you do it every time? So, all right. So now you guys see the fucking speed of this man's brain. Brian, Brian really wins. Brian's a winner. Yeah. But that was, but I love that kind of amazing comeback that I have a tendency to make. Still my greatest victory in life. Forget about the twins or any of that bullshit. The time we're sitting here in a Dawson said, a knife salesman and I yelled, the fan that was like, yeah, that was so amazing. That's really pretty. Everybody knows at least a couple of movies so well. Like you watch the fan over. No, I don't watch him. I don't like that. I just know there's only been one movie where I sold knives. And that was it. All right, Allison, you're horrible. Brian, look at you. Look at you. Jesus, God damn Christ. I think we need to do this movie. This, this game with TV shows. Oh, really? Are you really? Oh, the presence of a TV show. How would you do on that, Brian? Very, poorly. That's my soft underbelly. All right. Well, then totally topical TV trivia is what we shall play next. Thank you. Next time, next time we're here. I'll see you losers next time. All right. You want to do another one in for more. Totally topical TV trivia time. Tomorrow, Tuesday, doing a new story in a half and then I'll do a little this week and the rage. Go out. All right. A Newark man with 74 prior arrests will be going back to prison for the fourth time after being sentenced for for 15 years after robbing a right aid pharmacy during which he scuffled with the store manager and a man who came to the manager's aid after he shoved $180 worth of deodorant down his pants. Well, I got to say, you know, if you're going to hide, was it spray or stick? Variety. They did not go into that kind of detail. I feel like the role on is dead as a way to apply deodorant. Yes, we're either spray or stick people. The whole ball in there, not as enamored with that anymore. Something homoerotic and weird about it. I don't know why. But yeah, sorry. Try to steal that much deodorant. Man, his balls must have stung. Yeah. I mean, there's so many questions. Why? Yeah. Is the main one. But then also how like $180 really exactly $180? Yeah. He's a math genius and a kleptomaniac. Right. All right. And how? I mean, yes, it's not as cheap as it was one day. But how could he fit that much in his pants? I owe you this cat. They must be a mistake because this is not looked like a guy who'd be arrested 74 times. Allison, do you know the street value of this particular? I don't. Speed stick. It's my thing with deodorant. No matter how great the discount is that the guy with the van and the alley is offering, I rarely bite. Like where I'm like, hey man, you can get this times of main for $4 and trader Joe's or you can come out to my van, which is across the street. Normally, even if he's offering up to 50%, I'm still usually just going to buy it from the store. That's tax included. I'll take it for the hangout time in the van. It's pretty sweet. Yeah. Yeah. There's pictures of that guy at trader Joe's. The guy who's under selling them. Yeah. Last time I bought something from a guy in a van, it was speakers about speakers from a dude in a van. I was going to the bank of him. I was going to the home savings and loan over on Ventura and Laurel Canyon to put like $10 in my accounts and would cover my bill, cover the rent check. But instead, I bought speakers from a guy in a van and then we went home and I plugged them in and what do you got there, Donnie? Oh, this week and right. Yeah. We cranked it up. Donnie, please, come here for a second. Stop me if I'm wrong when I bought these speakers. You plugged them into our apartment stereo. You started playing eruption by Van Halen, he is. Vee is an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo screaming. We're so fucking loud that I couldn't hear anything. There it is. This is what he started playing. And he said, let's test these bad boys out. He cranked it all the way to fuck up. But also, this was a day and age two CD players were brand new. Right. He just got a CD of this and he just cranked it all the way to top. I couldn't hear anything, but I could feel the concussion from the front door which was somebody pounding. It's also 11.30 in the morning on a weekday. We're both standing there in our bathrooms and I got this cranked up to 11 and I'm hearing. And I'm screaming Donny I think Someone said the door, and Donnie's like, huh? He's blowing a ball of load out. And he was playing, like, I opened the door. It's our landlord standing there. He's standing there because I bounced the rent check. Donnie, because he's such a man, was hiding in the bedroom. Donnie ran too high. Did you not hide in the bedroom? Yes, I did, laughing all the time, but in the bedroom, I'm standing there in a towel. And he was like, I could hear this shit coming down the street. What the fuck? And you know that thing where you just assume this goes on every Tuesday at noon, because it's the first time you remember come over to our house? Well, before we all send up the apartment, until we pitch the guy, we get up at 7 o'clock in the morning. We're out by 7 o'clock. I work construction. I get up early, and I take my job seriously. So there'll be no late night, so I remember that. But also when we did, he did open the door. There was a slot car set, rabbits, a cat, and a bong. Yeah. That's like our set. Yeah. What was going to set? Yeah, it was awesome. A cat, rabbits. Yeah. Donnie came home with rabbits. He came home with rabbits and a kitten, which is weird. I was like, remember when people used to give away kittens at a supermarket? And they'd just be in a box in front of the supermarket? And they're like, if you're cat, they didn't have the whole Spain neuter thing back then. And so it was like, hey, you'd have kittens. And they'd go, all right, take the kid, put him in a box, take him to the galsons, and sit out front of the galsons, and people would come by and go, that's a nice kitten. But I was thinking, how does this work? Are you going to like, hey, I'm going to pick up a quarter milk and Budweiser and packets. Oh, here's a cat. Like, what? But it worked. Donnie came home with a cat. He came home with dwarf rabbits, which by the way got bigger than he was eventually. Yeah. Those are rabbits. That is our living room. That is our slot car set in the background. You will see what happened to them? Oh, I will tell you what happened to them. We should have eaten them. Well, seriously, we're poor shit. Again, that's right. That's him hiding by our slot car set. That's rabbit shit. That's our cat, that's our kitten max, that's more of the slot cars. We were adult males living on our own at this point, with rabbits and cats and slot cars. And that there's by the bank when we would set up like Taladego over there. The good news is, you can see the rabbit shit. You can clean up rabbit shit with a pitching wedge. It's like, you don't have to pick it up, you sweat. This is, that's mac. It's perfect. There's a softball. There's a bong, just out of frame. There's a slot car set. There are the two dwarf rabbits, which are bigger than the cat. And then there's max. And everyone just enjoy, there's nothing. You're going to start ovulating when you see this, by the way. I am. I'm making my own breast love ice cream. That is. That is what the landlord actually saw. That, this is what, and by the way, no pets. No, he had a no pet and no slot car policy. But that's what he saw when he opened the door, he opened the door to the living room. It's a one bedroom apartment in North Island. So it's just rabbit shit, slot cars. I cat fucking a rabbit, softballs, pongs. It was playing a rupture by Van Halen. I got the big speakers on the silver. I'm in my bathroom. It's like, why don't you work? And why did you bounce the check? And by the way, he came for a check. The check, I cut him, bounced. So the one I hand, I'm like, "Oh, Jim's name is Jim. Jim, let me go get this check." I get rid of the new check. That check bounced, too. But yeah. That cat wants to fuck that rabbit. Yeah. Oh, it will not stop. That is him chasing. The cat ended up over at Donnie's mom's house. We're ballooned up to about 30 pounds. Because the mom left the shit out of the cat. The rabbits did not have such a happy fate. I came home one day and I said, "Where are the rabbits?" And Donnie said, "I said 'em free." Some sort of rabbit preserve around here. And he said, "Now, set 'em free up in the hills in Laurelwood." I said, "The coyote infested hills of Laurelwood." He's like, "Yep, set 'em free." Well, I'm starting a new life. Are you kidding me? I said, "Donnie, the only way they're going to make it through tonight is if the coyotes think it's a trick." Like, whoa, back off. There's no way that you, Billy, would drop off too big fat deep-awed rabbits right in our tent. That would be loaded with poison or gunpowder or something. Have a good short life, rabbits. Donnie, be free. They're fucking. Enjoy your night. Yeah, so that's what happened to our pet rabbits. Have a good last one, rabbits. All right, wow. That was not the end. I wanted to have a story. That's what we have. The rabbits. The Macs live for good 8-10 years after that, but the rabbits. Well, like they said, "Nero Smith, the rabbit up and died." That's what they say. Yeah. But look at 'em. Look at 'em. Yeah, thank God Johnny had a beta. It's so hard. It's so hard to find a place to live when there's, you know, go cart. What'd you call 'em? Slide cart. Slide cart track. Regulations. That was the most surprising thing to me that apartment would keep you from having that. It was implied. I don't think it was actually in the paperwork. There was a quiet, knowing exchange of glances. It said, "No slough cart sets in the living room." Or be adults. Yeah. We're essentially the hands and brothers from Slough Shot. Wow. All right. Thanks for the news, by the way. Oh. That was awesome. See how the news goes? All right. Should we do-- Breaking news. Was there a news in there? Should we do a little-- It was a little-- This week in rage. You guys want to try it out? Oh, shit. I'm mad. I don't have another drink yet. All right. Wait a second. Wait a second. I got to get my bell set up somewhere here. Let's see how we're going to do this. Let's see. Fill up us. See you guys. Keep going. Adam and I both are going to be at the South Beach comedy festival next week. Yeah, we are in Miami, Florida. Yeah, and I do love movies. I have a podcast. I love those movies. And here we go. Yeah, sorry. That's good. All right. It's week in rage. Shut up. I don't know what you-- What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Counting down the top five things that pissed Adam off this week. Fuck you! Number five. They are questions that Ed didn't or know? Or no. Or no? No. Or no? I already did that top of the show. Give me the next one. I already did that one. All right. I'll hit the thing. There you go. Thank you. The Christchurch city, the Devastate. Christchurch. Yeah. Christchurch, the Devastate. I'm just saying, over over there in Australia, New Zealand, or wherever the fuck it was, same place to me. New Zealand. New Zealand. New Zealand. All right. Listen. Are you on a globe? I'm so impressed. The point is that a town called Christchurch was devastated by an earthquake. And I'm just saying, how much God-ask kissing do you need to do to avoid being devastated by an earthquake? Evidently, this was not enough. And then all I'm saying is, hey, Corpus Christi, look out. God don't like brown nose, and evidently. And Corpus Christi, Texas, go ahead and just change themselves to Cornhole and altar boy, Texas. Or give a reach around to a retarded dude, Texas. Or something, something other than Corpus Christi. But it just goes to show nobody likes a brown nose, especially the big man upstairs in the sandals. Thank you. Uncleared. Well, wait a minute. Just God wear sandals. Is that just Jesus? By the way, if you can walk there. You can walk on water. What the fuck do you need sandals for? Number three. Point of order. Point of order. Has a rude, tardy person ever gotten a reach around? You know, I don't know. I would like to think that just like they have mercy killers, they also have mercy cocky anchors who like, you know, just don't know those gloves. That's every woman we've ever been with. Yeah, like where they put on those gloves, they put on its subway, and they just go from room to room and get retarded, guys, a handy. Or maybe guys and comas, you know what I mean? I don't think anyone ever real problem with that. Oh, you know my idea for the coma thing. So we're going through all of that. We're going to avoid this old. So we're going to avoid this old Terry shot. Number three. We're going to put it in there. first name removing the fucking pillows from this bed and then you hit in the thing and you don't know what to do with that there's no pillow closet you throw them off onto the ground and then you fucking step over a mound of pillows to get to the bathroom for the next three days and you trip over them and then every once in a while you lose something you're like maybe fell into this deep abyss of pillows is on the side of the thing and then the fucking pillows the round they're not flat I'm used to using one that has feathers in it and they're flat they have three fucking sizes they're large they have extra large and they have Ralphie Mae those are the size of the fucking pillows and you're sleeping against it's like sleeping against I was like you're being up against a fallen Sequoia tree and I sleep on my face I do that thing where I tuck my arms under my thing and I do it to my head is up at a goddamn 90 degree angle the whole fucking time and there's that thing we try to bash the pillow down and just keep coming back and then somebody goes hey man if you get a towel and you roll it up a fucking towel a minute nice hotel the fuck don't need a towel or put one skinny pillow in for normal people you ask why it's all right thing number two I like hold on when people do that we are sure to brought your own pillow well what the fuck why don't I just bring my own mattress and box break at that point they're fucking nice hotel why should every mouth pillow number two I walk you do an airport holding a pillow yes and by the way does anyone ever call the fucking front desk after sorting through these nine telephone poles they call pillows and go hey I need a bigger pillow I need something I can fuck or float on if there's a tsunami Jesus Christ you have the big ones now I'm fucking a medium and a small you ask why it's number two now I was saying it I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm saying it on the fucking podcast the other day it's like have I opened a bowling alley and I went oh you've got we got shoes you can rent they started size 19 and they go up from there we got 19 and then we got jack size oh you're 11 oh you're shit out of lock number two number two tour guide cord for tour guide oh there we are yeah that's all right here's a deal all right couple things couple things we got a good looking bun that's a good day it seems good it was good on the way to where they did the hops and the fermentation process and all that shit and I did that move we're walking up the stairs and I let her get four and a half stairs above me so her ass was high level all the way ladies let let it be known I'm telling you right now guys will not walk next to you they'll not be one stair below or one stair above they'll give you a four stair Mississippi head start and then they will casually walk up I die staring right at that fucking asshole years all the way all the way up the stairs what happened to the music right the point is that she was hot and that's nice and tell the questions began then you got nothing I said you're what year was the building built she's like I couldn't tell you the exact date I was like how about just the year she's like I got a check on that what year was the fucking building build your tour guide of the building that's all we're talking about I didn't ask her question about my Lamborghini Mura I didn't ask her anything I said what year was the building but she had no fucking idea and then I asked this question and this is what I said she said I said the whole thing with the smoking the band and bringing coars into Texarkana what was that about she said what movie and I said what she wasn't born yet I don't give a fuck I wasn't born I heard the goddamn Civil War stop apologizing I know we fought the fucking Germans and I wasn't there for the Civil War you understand that's a little bigger than smoking the band watching you watching you fucking watch your tongue when you're on this stage we got a long way to go to sort of get there very careful I think very carefully before you speak again that's all I say fucking lucky I brought Mike's Rolex otherwise the fucking fish would be flying right now all right there you go there you go no goddamn idea about the movie smokey and the bandit and why they couldn't bring coars across state lines to Texarkana I'm just saying sweetie that is the first goddamn thing you learn when you're gonna give out the guides or the tours of course and the beautiful golden Colorado thank you very much and by the way hold on the smokey the bandit display was right in front of her fucking kiosk we walked up there briefing fronters fucking burn Reynolds and his fucking firebird and nothing all right all right all right number one she's probably more into smokey three that's really the best of the two boys but she loved Jerry Rings you know that about to have a smile in the Phoenix on really you selected it I did I remember I had done really all right fuck Tavis smile Jesus Christ can we have footage of this can you play this okay I didn't select this but anyway the point is says fuck Tavis smiley Tavis smiley sit there on Bill Mars show and Bill Mars doing this thing where he's going hey maybe the guys in the Middle East should learn to treat their ladies a little bit better and Tavis smiley does that bullshit where he goes before you turn I don't know why black guys got to talk like they got the hiccups all the time but he does that thing was like well we do look at you look I suggest you look into the mirror man you open the newspaper there are count of men battered women in these United States every day and let's not be so naive and all I'm saying is before we look across the ocean perhaps we should look into our own backyard and clean up the mess that we made here in the United States and I might think it's like shut the fuck off everybody stop doing that thing where you push everything back on us well you know there's Christian terrorists too well you know we beat our old ladies too that's right we don't give them one dollar we give them 80 cents on the dollar but over there they cut their fucking heads off and they build things called clitorectomies which lastly check we don't fucking have over here so stop fucking pointing out what we already know get on the fucking train we are not talking about what the fuck is wrong with this country this country's flawed it could be better there's no doubt it could be better we could be 10% better they could be a hundred fucking ten percent better and that's what we should focus on when they get up to where we're at when there's someone called the Kardashian family that could make sixty three five don't ever correct me on three between sixty three and sixty five it's disputed between six and sixty five million dollars in an Arab country then we can park fucking Tavis thank you by the way just because your mind is not a spell Travis doesn't mean we should all suffer with that fucking game named Tavis thank you it's like it's like bitches over there don't even have to do anything to get abused yeah here right there they got to earn it yeah exactly they got to work for it over there it's like they wake up a lady and they're in trouble and that's not right yeah yeah I agree yeah see if everyone over there was like you or not you actually that's not really specifically yeah more like ball brine over there oh t-vote champions yeah what does it start you start every answer three kings you start describing showgirls that everyone they do what does it start all right where the hell were we Doug Benson everybody thank you the Benson interruption you can hear the podcast and also live shows well as you brought up at the South Beach Beach Comedy Festival Miami we'll be out there next Wednesday March 1st Thursday yeah yeah let's not hang out you also Twitter him and Doug Benson by the way Alston Rosen over here and of course t-vote champion ball brine all right those the gang on stage with Doug Benson back in 2011 who up next we have a clip from another live show this time with Browley May Adam Krullis show 1539 along with Gina Graham Brian Bishop this is March of 2015 Brian has a hilarious reveal that I will not spoil check it out I have to explain life to my wife a lot because my wife is very you know the doctor said and I'm always like fuck those assholes that don't know Fuckin' talkin' about. No, I say it, look, it's the same fucking story. First off, people that don't give a shit about you will just tell you whatever's easiest for them and then go away. They don't give a fuck, you know? Anyone who gets surgery, they go, no liquids, no solids, no juices, no water, nothing after midnight. Right, that's for an 8 a.m. surgery or 5 p.m. surgery. Well, what the fuck is it? (audience laughing) What is it? It's 100% further away than the five o'clock one. They don't give a fuck. But my wife will be like, it's 1203 and slap the fucking juice box out of my hand, you know? (laughing) Go those assholes, don't give a shit. I could drink it on the way in and by the way, if this was true, if this was really important, if this could kill me, I would have to stay overnight at the hospital and they would monitor me. If it was shit, same with the phone on the airplane. If it really was gonna bring the plane down, you couldn't bring it on, because Owl at Baldwin could be fucking around at first class with his blackberry, if the fucking plane was gonna come down, right? I just love the revelation that you'd ring out of a juice box. (audience laughing) Really? I, I top it off. Ah, it looks innocent and not hot. So here's my point. The rule is, you got 20 minutes with the, with the juice. Yeah, you got 20 minutes. If you, you live 23 minutes away from the place, you have to do it on site, right? I know the 20 minutes means two days, maybe an hour. I got fucking tubes out from high school still walking around, shot. On their own, fine. Starting their own families, small businesses, thriving. I know I can take this shit, 45 minutes from my house to the place, and it's not like we're gonna have, well, one of the kids has three arms and a, what does Ork's pile on cones, where his head should be? I fucking know it, but my wife doesn't. And the lady said 20 minutes, so I gotta go to the place and beat off at the place. Luckily, I'm a jacking ninja who's beat off and, like so many different places over the years that it's like, it's not, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't. Where does it place? Where does it place? Well, in terms of challenging, yeah. I don't like to talk about myself. Come on, just this one. Do it this once. I was, I was doing a job. I was building a house in Malibu. Yeah, off of Rambla Pacifica Road, which is one of those ones they just closed off a PCH, and they just went, and after about 10 years of city, just goes, oh, fuck it, it's been closed so long. We don't have to open it again. But I was building a house off of Rambla Pacifica. I had to get there off of Mulholland, where Mulholland gets really squarely at the top, along there. I was driving my 84 Nissan 5-speed pickup truck. That might have been-- 746. No, no, no, wait a minute. Seth, we started. It must have been 640-something in the morning, squeezed the shit off on a bench seat, driving a stick on fucking Mulholland. Take that shit, bitches. Nice. That's right. Nice. Wow. Can I tell you how disturbed that hitchhiker I picked up was? Can I tell you the look on his face? But impressed. But impressed. Yeah. Well, he said Malibu or bust. I was not fucking kidding. Yeah. Well, that was one of those. My girlfriend just dumped me. I knew it was going to be a long time before I got back to the solitude of my apartment, and I was just in no mood. And I had to focus on building the railing oak railing on a staircase, on a house that completely burned to the ground when the fire swept-- That's where the fire swept through a few years later. Is it safe to build a house in your refractory period? You're never better. Really? All ears. I could cut a fucking diamond. I normally-- you know, you're distracted. You're too mess-ins. You're all over the fucking road part of the pond. But you're never in a better place than that refractory period. Yeah. Wow. About that. Uh-huh. Ralphie? Where does place-- probably on I-10, going to El Paso. Wow. No sports doctor. Yeah, you women are disgusted when you find out how guys really are, aren't you? [LAUGHTER] Yeah. For me, it was just a long fucking drive. You know? Let's knock this out. Mm-hmm. Automatic, though, right? Yeah. I got 20 minutes to go fan horn. And I'm going to drop this load and go fucking sleep in an Indian place. So I'm curious in the morning. Yeah, it's lonely. The road's lonely. I'm surprised no one's ridden a song. You know, like Willie Nelson, like Jack and off on the road again. You know, like-- I think it's how truckers could really identify with. You know, they're always talking about getting home to you. How about Jack and off in the fucking parking lot over at the diesel place, you know what I'm saying? A universal theme that everyone can identify with. Well, let's put it this way. Those big rinks that have the sleeper bunk in the back of them. Oh, I jacked off one of those. Yeah, you did? I did. Oh, well, there you go. Were you even a fucking trucker and you jacked off and whatnot? My uncle was a trucker, a long, long trucker. [LAUGHTER] And I went on a run with him when I was 13. 13 years old. Come on, what are you going to do? Is he sleeping in the back? Yeah. You jerked off next to your uncle and a trucker? He was driving. No, no. He was driving. I had the curtains drawn. Oh, excuse me. [LAUGHTER] Do you see what pieces of shit guys are? I forgot about that till this moment. Thank you, Adam. You're quite welcome, Brian. All right. Should we do a little news with Gina Grad? How about we do that? Let me give a plug to Ralphie May. He got a stand-up special. Unruly. He's got issues available right now on a Netflix. Sorry. Well, it's weird when there's no-- There's more than one out of it. There's more than one out of it. There's more than one Netflix. And also the podcast. Perfect 10 pod. Live dates. Coming up. A lot of live dates. I'll tell you what you should do. You should just go to RalphieMay.com. RalphieMay.com. And find out when he's coming to your town or coming on the way to your town. But either way. [LAUGHTER] He's coming. I'll tell you that. RalphieMay.com. All right. Let's do a little news. Shall we do the-- [MUSIC PLAYING] The news with Gina Graham. The news with Gina Graham. Well, I don't know if you guys heard about this. A shocking California ballot proposal that calls for gays and lesbians to be, quote, "put to death by bullets to the head" is triggered a widespread backlash for the author, Orange County lawyer Matthew Gregory McLaughlin. The Sodomite Suppression Act, as it's called, reads like this, "The people of California wisely command in the fear of God that any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification can be put to death by bullets to the head or any convenient method." It's a well-written law. I'm sure Jerry Brown will get behind this one if I-- [LAUGHTER] That's Jerry Brown. I know. This guy's just crazy and looking for some ink, right? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, but it got farther than I think people expected. So now everybody's talking about it. Oh, OK. All right. There's a loophole there that he's allowed to make this proposed. Now, what are the chances he's gay? Because-- 100%. 100%. 110%. Here's 100%. 110%. Love's cock. Straight guys. So much cock. Because here's every straight guy. If you're straight, he loves cock. Oh, it's all around this race. Around this visualizing, how much do you love's cock? Yeah. Right. I love's cock. Right. I hear it's how you should be wired if you're just a straight guy. Yeah. You come up-- you explain to me your gay. Out of got some news for you, I am gay. Good. More pussy for me. Oh. Yeah, here. By the way, you probably recommend a decent place to eat, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You guys seem to know where to eat, right? I thought you were going to have a different reaction to be honest. All right. So more pussy for me and a good restaurant recommend that I get-- I get top of somewhere around here. Fuck yeah. OK. All right. That's all it goes. Win win. And finally, a finally manicured lawn. Yeah. I went past your place a couple of times. I thought some Asians were living there. But this explains it. Out of crawler on tolerance. It's their gay guy in the fucking world that has like an old sofa or an El Camino up on blocks. No. And it's fucking dirt lawn going. I know it's been in primer for a few years. But I'm looking to get it into the shop and get a coat of candy apple on. No fucking way. Yeah. It's got to say the greatest lawns. I can-- if you flew a satellite over-- Boyz town in any town I could find I could I could tell you where it stops right where the gay stops and the straight begins It's a fucking line of green manicured lawns a big patch of blue in the middle the whole thing and they don't stand for graffiti No, they don't they don't they're they they First off, I don't know if everything's just covered with a film of like Astro glide or something But I don't think I don't think graffiti even takes in Boyz town. I think it just feels right off the slide right off gangbag Or just one fuck and every time we try to do our shit. It just rolls right off the cinder block. I got some kind of weird loob on there or something It doesn't even try anymore All right. Sorry. Where were we? This guy's got to be gay, right? Oh, we a hundred percent like I I'm sure Fred Phelps was Watching homosexual right, right, and I mean that the best if you need an excuse to watch porn here It is a study out of the University of California claims that men who watch a lot of porn have better sex lives than those who don't Meanwhile scientists said they could find no hint that men whose computers were littered with adult content suffered from a reptile dysfunction I always tell you guys I went to a porn site and you know now everyone's trying to you know They're trying to get business, you know without it and the thing big banner popped up tired of beating off and I was like hell no Yeah, right 50 years and 50 years still going. Yeah, go and strong I had to climb reach there. Yeah, yeah, uh call me about a week after I die Because see we can get see maybe Maybe that no guarantees no guarantees, but yeah No, clearly not tired of it. I'm looking at porn on the computer right now, but all right. Yeah Yeah, so they're basically saying that women who bitch that their men watch too much porn have no reason to because it keeps them Hot for their lady more at least hot more. I think it's just a sort of You know Gears turning kind of blood flow and kind of you know your alive kind of I mean the game You know, right? I don't want everyone to completely turn against me But nobody thinks that that's cheating the the porn out of here No, look all in thing is I know people who would be not too pleased if they caught their boyfriend jerkin on me Let me say this. Let me say this First off look at it is the guy on the NFL sideline who's riding the fucking stationery by a canon I mean I'm just I'm fucking staying loose coach. I like to get in that game I'm staying loose. Do you go criticize that guy not at all people a little fucking trying to get old lather going cuz you're one injury away If you get one fucking injury away from getting out on that field All some guys got to do his tears ball sack and he's in man, or you know what I'm saying, so you know we don't criticize that guy Now here's the thing. I think I think but you tell me It depends what kind of porn the guy's looking at right for instance. I'm just you know apropos nothing, but your guy's out there You know if he's staring at the big jug porn We got a match, right? I mean what I'm saying is it better. I think that's better in her case. That's good When he's staring at the Vietnamese he's you know, no, but let's go now. We got a situation Well, you know what I'm talking about right you're making a lot of sense basically saying like like if you're married You know if your wife is 46 years old and she catches you looking at milth porn You're essentially simulating her. Yeah, if you're looking at the you know 18, but you wouldn't know it kind of thing then we got a chasm between Pussy and your cock It's a cock chasm It's a cock canundra. It's what it is. It's a conundrum Conundrum, all right anyway, you know what I'm saying, right? I'll be totally do totally do. I think that You watch the porn like like for me. We had a Chinese nanny and so I couldn't watch any Asian porn for a whole year Well, I didn't want to get creeped out, you know beat off and then you got to beat off again 20 minutes later That Asian porn Thank you, sorry That's beneath me Bigger beneath really on top on top okay throwing the D so you had you had the You had I this I have a Guatemalan nanny, so you know, there isn't Guatemalan porn No, no, 50-year-old Hobbit porn. Yeah, Mexican Hobbits. Yeah, so so you have a you your your nanny is what then she's Chinese She's Chinese so you had to stay away from that department in the Without a doubt had him because I could never have my wife look at my iPad and go what the fuck right Asian Poor you mother fuckered that fucks everything up right right right, you know, it's international incident there right right that But it's just like you know a cute little Brunette. Yeah, no problem right. Do you guys ever have the brush with porn like see I don't know how to work the computer that well, you know what I'm saying right what I know I hope you're sitting down Not one of these techies and every once in a while I so thus I I don't cover my tracks very well at all and at one time I had some like French photographer guy who was doing a whole like spread on my house and my family and everything and I had my laptop that you know last time I used it was on the road kind of thing and a hand been used at home and blah blah blah And the French guy was like oh yeah, I shut I shut over to George Clooney's house I don't like all that sounds easy. Yeah, let me show you let me show you any grabs the computer and he opens it up And now he's guy's telling everyone gather around gather around you know and he's like hitting the search thing in the Google And yeah, and I'm like I'm thinking shall I just fucking spill my drink on it or Rip it out of his hands and throw it into the swimming pool and go like ah, I like it's getting everyone Gathering around the fucking thing and he's just hitting random buttons on it. I'm like You have no move like you can't go that's not my computer. You can't protest too much. You can't rip it out of his hands I just fucking stand there just fucking play you bang us your ain't as 19 doesn't just pop up Yeah, how to go well that that well that one went pretty good But there was another episode where me my wife and my assistant were looking for something on the much bigger screen And just boom just pow just just you know went down and hit the weird thing on the body You know what so I don't know what you know, I'm not How to delete cookies. I am really fucking lost. I'm not you know nothing about computer I'm not tim jobs. I'm sorry. No, you're not I'm not really not a computer guy All right, I don't know anything about the macrosoft and the things and whatnot all I know is Sometimes they're shit at the bottom and if you click one of them, they'll be titty fucking taking up the entire fucking screen And I don't know how it got there or how to get rid of it, but it's happened before Shouldn't your computer be kind of your space though, that should be respected, right? Yeah, it's your domain. Yeah Yeah, I would I would forget my my past We're almost almost immediately. Yeah, all right. Hey, look at what's my password? What for nothing? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah Now I got the kids going on it looking for a fucking, you know, Katy Perry shit on there. It's awesome. You're looking for Katy Perry's to do Yes All right, sorry where were we? All right, there's Adam Krillisho 1539 with a hilarious edition from Bald Bride Come on next we have Adam Krillisho 527 Between Chris Hardwick, Dr. Bruce along with Brian Bishop and Allison Rosen. This was from 2011 Oh, oh, oh Riley auto parts. Yeah, they're in the business keeping a car in the road You know that they're off our friendly helpful service and the parts knowledge you need to maintain and repair your car Oh, I got race cars race cars. They're funny. They're high performance, but they're simple So you can work on a lot of the stuff yourself, and that's why I always go to a Riley They've got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in store or online so you never have to worry if you're in a jam Their team can test your battery for free in or out of the car So if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one and if you need windshield wipers replace the brake light fixed or Quick service. They've got you covered as well come in there scrambling before and been astonished and how friendly and helpful everyone is there and they know their stuff. They even held the door for me last time as at the one in Glendale. The professional parts people, the Riley Auto parts are your one stop shop for all things, auto do it yourself and you can find what you need either in store or online. It's O'Reilly, right Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit them at oReillyauto.com/atom. That's oReillyauto.com/atom. I'm the King of the World and so much more for Showtime's press nothing. They're free 24/7. That is so fast. On Pluto TV stream now, pay never. Yeah, get it on. Got to get on a choice but to get on mandate, get it on. Good day, ball brand. Good truck. Yeah. I'm drunk. Good day, Alson Rosen. Hello, Adam Corolla. Yeah, I want to thank Chicago to sold out shows at Park West. Nice big old rock and roll venue over there. Everyone nice. A little bit drunker than they are in the rest of the country and usually 700 people per show. Usually about 50 people hang behind and get an autograph in a picture. So about 250 each show hanging behind. It's a double edged sword. Is your autographing hand get cramped? It's my I'm cool except for the part where someone has been in line for an hour and 10 minutes and when they get to the part where they go, oh, let's get a picture. They then start reaching for their pocketbook and going, where's your camera? And I'm going to see myself, you don't have your fucking camera even in line for an hour and a half. You don't want to get the camera out. I know when I introduced a couple of my friends who had driven up to the love it show from from Orange County when I was standing in line with them, you know, so that they could meet you. And in my head, I was thinking get the camera out. Get the camera out. Don't make me look like a fool, you guys. Well, we had a good time. Good people. Not sold on the deep dish, went around. Mike Lynch tried it. I tried it. It's not it's not good pizza. It's just it's basically it's basically a cheese and tomato casserole. It's not pizza. It the pizza's the thin crust. It's New York style. You taco it in half. You get that little grease drip that sort of weird amber looking greasy thing on the end of your tongue and then you put it down the nectar of the pizza gods. Yes. Now don't like the thick crust. Sorry if your pizza acceptability was say a pie chart. There's no slice there for a deep dish pizza. I don't like it. I won't take the squares. Thank you. I'll take the Gino's Easter West or wherever it is. And I like all the corn starch or whatever that's in the in the crust. And it's it's fine. But also the big hunks of sausage because I can sink it in there. The thing is is I like to have like five six slices of pizza and then sort of non the crust. This this you get a we get one and a half in it. It's like eating banana cream pie. Anyway, good times other than the thick crust. And by the way, regular pizza cannot be found in Chicago. It's only Chicago's town. You probably get the shit kicked out of it if you ask for it. So Chicago's good Cleveland was good. Everyone always apologizes for Cleveland except for the ride from the hotel to the airport the following morning, Saturday morning. We got the person. We got that 61 year old chick who doesn't know anything and can't stop telling you she doesn't know anything doing the well, now who are you fellas? You know, like we hear for the basketball games. And first thing we did was stand outside the town car, hoping she would pop the trunk, but she never popped the trunk. And then she said last time I did that, the alarm went off. And I thought, wow, I am brimming with confidence, naturally. And then we had one of these things. And I don't know if it's there's something wrong with me. It's why hate being driven. Well, first thing she said, so are you guys in town for the basketball game? And Mike August was sitting up front me and Michael Lynch. She didn't even say basketball. She said, where are you here for the sporting event for the sporting event? Yes, she was so. And she mentioned she was from the sticks like 11 times. And then she said, Mike said no. And then Mike made this mistake. He said, we're playing the club. Hilarities. Oh, you are. What are you doing? Mike August said, we're juggling act. And she said, Oh, we are. And she said, he said last night we lost our pins. But we still got through it. And she's like, well, good for you. And then we sat you could imagine what the freeway looks like at 7 a.m. Saturday morning between Cleveland and the Cleveland airport. Like literally when we've landed on Friday at 5.30 in the evening from the airport to the center of town, nary another car, but Saturday morning, forget it. And we're just all alone omega man style. And she's going 54 miles an hour. And it doesn't bother me. It bothers me. But where my teeth start to hurt is where civilians just go blowing like just chicks like 23 year old chicks with a hair and a scrunchy and bone stock rav fours, you know, 1.8 four banger. Just blasting pass you on either side of you on the freeway. And by the way, when you're driving on the freeway and it's not like a bunch of guys and squatted acres of Ferrari 360s are just chicks in nothing cars. Just Hyundai's and you know, just bone stock, Ford or, you know, Camry's from the 80s. Just blowing pass. Like at some point, she want to put your right foot down just a little fucking bit, especially going to the airport. But now she just sat there just dragging her ass. She's jugglers in the car. Yeah. And then she said, now what's your name again? And I think August said, she said, what's the name of the show? Oh, the show, right. August goes the Adam Corolla show. She says, can I have your autograph to August? And Mike proceeded to sign an autograph for her. She did this thing where she's like, oh, I don't know anything. I'm from the country. Like, I don't even drive these roads. And I just think, you know, if I have a service where I employ somebody to do something like when I used to teach, like drive, when I used to teach comedy traffic school, they would always say, don't tell them you're a loser comedian who can't get a gig. Thus you must come to let us amuse you W E T T U C E work for $81 a day. Go ahead and make them think that you're doing okay for yourself. Don't tell them you're Dane Cook, but tell them you're doing some, you know, you know, pad your record just to your resume, just a little bit. Definitely not funny. But she would just show up and she'd be like, I don't know where I'm going. I'm not used to driving on paved roads. I don't I'm scared. She said, last time I tried to open the trunk, the alarm went off. Like I mean, she's not doing much for the stereotype of women as not good drivers. Yeah, I know. I know. That was that was good times. Also, how was the city of Cleveland overall? Cleveland was nice. Had you been there before? Had never been there before. And we just went right into the heart of town and the heart of the town was beautiful. And we worked the club and it was kind of in the basement. It was pretty happened because there was there was the tournament was going on. Okay, I was sporting event. Yes, the sporting event was going on. Speaking of events, we're still going for the record here, the Guinness book of world records. That's right. Ricky, your vase has the podcast. He's in the book is the leader in the clubhouse for podcasts. He's the only and he's from England. Books from England. He insults our celebrities and we're taking that goddamn iPod or whatever the fuck you want to pod track podcast. We're taking it back here to the good old U.S. of A. And I'll keep you guys posted. A lot of people have been talking to me since I've been doing this and coming up after the shows and whatnot. And we really appreciate you. And you're this is the pledge drive part. We don't, you know, we don't need your money. We don't need you to buy a t-shirt for 50 bucks or an ass tray for 200 bucks. And we're not giving away yawning tickets. You just tell a friend that's all that's our pledge drive. You tell the guy in the cubicle next. You tell your brother your sister and a lot of people have come up to me, especially on the road and said, I got my friends signed up. So it's free. It's easy. We'll take the record. We'll have a number at the end of the week. So I'll tell you at the end of the week. So let's make the push toward the end of the week and take in the podcast record. Yes, well, Brian. Maybe if we do give it with some yawning tickets, this whole thing could be an open and shut case. It's a decent point. Right down. So Allison is doing a little house sitting. I was. I was house sitting this past week. Oh, I should also. Yeah, I should mention one other thing I just found out if you want to come out and see me out here on my home turf at the will turn theater. First 500 tickets sold. Get in the book. We talked about that. Get in the paper back with the bonus copy and autographed as well. But you will also get it in advance. I just found that out today. So you will get. The envy of your friends. Your block in your neighborhood. So you'll get the thing autographed and you'll get it before it's released. Sorry, first 500 only, though, because hell, we can't give away 2000. That's bad, boy. That would be insane. Allison. and so house sitting. - Yes, I was house sitting this past week, and the final day, they had told me they were gonna be back at five. So I was house in dog sitting. So I had planned my whole day, which involved sleeping in, and then walking the dog, and then leaving and putting the kids in the bath. - How long had you been there? - A week. - Yeah, and that last day, nay, the last two hours of the last day, set aside for cleaning the place up. - Exactly, for getting rid of the evidence, that I was there. - Right. - For me, it's getting the spunk off the ceiling fan, but yeah. - Maybe it is for me as well. - That's what I'm saying. Could be for you as well. - They did say I could have people over. So anyway, yeah, so then I wake up, though, to a text message on my phone, which came in at 8 a.m. saying, "Looks like we're gonna be back earlier, noon." Like, does that work for you? And I wrote back, I had half a wake, like when I barely opened, and I wrote back, and I said, okay, you know, I think so, keep me posted. And then they wrote back and said, later, oh, now it's gonna be 10.30. So at that point, I have like just less than an hour. - They had a hustle. - Yeah, I did not even take a shower. - Wow, 'cause I can smell you from here. - No, I've showered since, but. - I know, I'm just saying, hold on, yeah, but still. Yeah, but still. - Okay. - I am so down with you on this, and I've-- - Because I came in wondering, am I being creaky? - No, I haven't happened every mother fucking time, and here's what we need to establish. We need to establish some ground rules for tardiness, which is if you're going to lunch-- - Or lunch. - Yes, if lunch is one o'clock, and I'm meeting you at a cafe for lunch, then I should be on time. And if we're seeing a movie, then I should be on time. Or if I'm meeting you for lunch, and I say one o'clock, then I can get there at 10 a.m. Doesn't affect you. - Right. - You will still show up at five minutes to one, or whenever you show up. And if we're seeing a movie, same thing. I'm just going there with my face press against the door before they even open it, let me into the lobby. We could be seeing an eight o'clock show, and I could just show up at nine in the morning. But it doesn't matter because I'm meeting you there. - Right. - Now I have this shit go down every year for Thanksgiving, and the older you get, the less shit you have to do, and the slower you drive, but you actually gauge your driving even slower than you actually drive. So what it is is like my dad and my wife's dad, and everyone, everyone's driving a slow down eight to 10%. But their minds, the gas pedal in their mind is slowed down like 25%. - So they leave three hours early. - Oh, like my dad's coming from Pasadena allowing himself like nine hours to drive over there. And they're like, I thought I'd hit Travis, it's Thanksgiving, you know, you're coming at 2 p.m. So let's really examine this because we put such an emphasis on, oh, this guy's 10 minutes early, everywhere he goes. You know, this guy's the first guy in work and that's good thing. - It's not a good thing, it's like this. Thanksgiving, four o'clock. And now I'm at the point where I have to give people the fucking speech like, hey man, that doesn't mean 330. That's four o'clock. Because as I always say, what the fuck is going, my dad used to do this for breakfast too. I'd say like, you know, come over 10 in the morning, and he'd be ringing the buzzer at like 9.35. And the point is, what do you think is going on at 9.35? I'm pacing by the front door with a cup of coffee, waiting for you. No, I'm in the shower, or I'm asleep, or I'm just stepping out of the shower, or I'm stepping into the shower. You know, usually, I'll tell you what's going on on Thanksgiving. I'm arguing with Lynette. That's what we do a half hour. - About what? - It's like, you know, the usual thing. There's 22 people coming over, and it's like, why, no ice? You got no ice? Well, then who's getting call Suzanne and tell her to bring ice? You know, well, so what? She can stop at the, well, then you should have thought, I would have got it, but you didn't, you know, now the gate's buzzing, you know, and it's because they're dad. And he's there 40 minutes or like, and it's my dad. And it's like, I don't bother, you know, it's a thing where it's like, I won't be nobody. It's except for, I'm wearing a towel, and we're arguing in the kitchen, and nothing's put out. And it's that last, you don't realize how much of the shit gets done in like the last 45 minutes, lighting candles, and shit like that. - Hello? - Yeah, and then they come in and they go like, I just know, you know, don't mind me. I'm a ghost, I'm not even here. And then you go, all right. Then you're like, head upstairs to go get dressed, and then you get the, excuse me, there's no opener. I said, I know bother, but is the opener in the kitchen? Like, you are a bother. Don't fucking show up at 20 minutes to four. And the party starts, it's Thanksgiving. We're not gonna sit down at 401 and carve the turkey. It's gonna happen about 5.36 o'clock. Four means you rolling about 4.20. What do you think you're gonna do? Old man rolling at 4.15, I'm gonna be standing by the door. What the fuck? This is total bullshit. - I know, it's actually not rude to show up to someone's house late. I still hold the idea in my head. - It's great to show up early. - Exactly, if you're going to someone's house, I still feel like if it's a job interview, I don't know, maybe 10 minutes early is good. - Show, look, here's the thing. You can show 10 minutes or 10 hours early, that's your prerogative. If you're, if I'm going to see you at 1 o'clock, then I'm gonna see it at 1 o'clock. It's not rude for the person's gonna see you. - But I might be rude to the waiting room, people. - I'm just saying, if you're throwing a goddamn party, do you interview him for a job, sweetie? 'Cause we're gonna be interviewing for a boyfriend later. - Oh yeah, no. - I'm just saying that if someone's throwing a party, and they say party starts at 7 p.m., don't show up at 6.35. I'll guarantee the chicken-- - No, don't even show up at 7. - The chicken is putting her makeup on, and most likely they're having a very heated argument at that point while she's putting her makeup on. - Right. - That's how it works. Knock it off, don't allow, and by the way, how's this thing work? Will you live in this city your entire life, and you can't gauge, or I'll allow myself seven hours to get from Pasadena to Hollywood, like lift your whole life, old man. - Yeah, I don't get it. - Yeah, I don't get it either. And I, like I said, when I go to someone else's, if this you say party starts at 8, I'm there about 9. - Right. - I'm doing a food math usually. If the party, if you say it's a barbecue, and it starts at 4, I'm doing a food math that says we'll probably be pulling up to the training table, probably about 5.30. I try to time the food. - Now see, here's something weird, though my mom went to a shower recently, and she showed up late, 'cause she's late to everything, but I can give the feeling it was even more late than she normally would have, and she got there, and everyone was seated at the table, and she said that it was very clear that she was very late. - Yeah, well I do it at weddings. I even went to a brine's wedding in fortified wine country, and that was wine country. - That was wine country, yeah. Teresa's dad lives in fortified wine country, which is-- - Well you were the first people we saw for you, got married. - Yeah. - Walking back down the aisle towards the reception room, as I didn't learn that, coming to the wedding. - Yeah, well I'm blame that on Lynette trying it, that I got to get ready, I'm getting ready. Also the wedding thing, I don't know if, what time was yours, like six o'clock? - It was, yeah, whatever it was, six, but it was especially hot day that day, so we had our guests in mind, like people are melting out there, so we got to get this on the road. - It was wickedly hot. The thing I never can figure out about weddings is, six o'clock means, sometimes you means, pow, kick off, right at six, count down to divorce. Boom, as soon as they possibly start that divorce clock, you know, the big divorce clock to have up Manhattan. They're gonna fire that thing up, the faster, the better. Right, I got one, you got a divorce? Oh no, brine's got one. We're gonna try it, we're gonna try it, we're gonna try it. Anyway, someone's just itchy trigger finger with the divorce clock, with the count down clock, but the point is, is somewhating, say six o'clock, and they just start writing six, and then something will start at 6.35, 6.40. - I have, like you, missed an entire wedding because I thought, the invitation says this is not really gonna start then. It turns out that every wedding I've been to, including the one I didn't make it to, did start right on time. - Yeah, I should straighten that out, especially when you take a plane, when you take a flight to go there, and you're in your room, which is on the grounds of the hotel. - I'm sure you were beside yourself that you'd missed it. I don't wanna get started on my wife. I'm just saying, this thing where, you know, like you follow your partner around, go and come on, let's go, come on. We gotta get ready, come on. Like, I'm the other one. - You're the other one? - Usually, yeah. - We should hook up. I'm gonna check my clock. - No, I'm saying I'm the one who's-- You know what sucks? When it's raining like it is here, like torrential. Power keeps going out. Keep having to reset your divorce clock. Like, what time is the divorce clock set for? - Two words, three words, backup generator. Yeah, I got my own battery. - Smart. - Yeah, the other thing that I thought you guys might think was interesting is I got an email from my old buddy, who was a showrunner, Alan Kirshenbaum, who is just one of these super Jews that knows everyone in the business, and everyone loves Alan. - You're a superhero ever. - Super Jew. And he ran into a Marty Croft of a Sid and Marty Croft. The guys, I never stop saying horrible, horrible things about. Which I do not, I don't, I stand by. They're horrible, ham-fisted hacks who single-handedly attempted to ruin my childhood with their horrible art. - And-- - Please tell me they're huge fans of yours. - No, I don't know. And the thing here's here's Here's the fucking town we're living in. Here's the town we're living in. As you know, the second worst show of all time is called Land of the Lost. And it's not second worst animated show or second worst live action or second worst anything. It's just second worst television show Land of the Lost. Of course they made that into a movie because we're fucking retards in this town. We're fucking fresh out ideas. And Dana Gould, as I mentioned before, was sitting here feverishly working away on the worst television show of all time, Sigmund and the sea monster, which they were going to make into a movie. Now, how you can take the second worst movie of all time and the second worst television show of all time and turn it into a stinking pile of catch it rolled in AIDS chimneys. And by the way, it's, it starts Will Farrell and it flops completely. It's a total fucking flop. Why didn't even make those AIDS chimneys? They must still tear it. I know. I know. What kind of factor is this? Who wants cupcakes with AIDS chimneys? Yeah. All right. So they make a fucking horrible TV show into a horrible movie that does no business, even though it has one of the hottest comedy stars on the planet at the time. And now it does nothing. And here's what Hollywood, here's how Hollywood processes that information. Well, you know what? Let's get going on Sigmund and the sea monster because that show was even worse than land of the laws. Really? That's our response. Thank God somebody mercifully pulled the fucking plug on that pile of steaming hippo flop. And so anyway, two pieces of cat shit fucking. Yes. Yes. Quoted from the live show. So my good friend Alan ran into Marty and that little conversation about me. How did go? I said it was interesting. So I was on the road. So I'll get back to you guys about that. Look, here's my whole thing. Either either get to be rich or you get to be an icon. You don't get to be both. You don't get to be a horrible, horrible, talentless hack. Who by the way, as I say all the time, still hard at work at the age of 88, hard at work, warming over shit from 40 years ago, right? Hard at work at anything, just staring at a fucking rear view mirror, warming over shit. You either get to be rich or you get to be an icon. I'm just spreading the word before these guys die that they're fucking horrible hacks that done more damage than that Japanese earthquake. And somebody needs to fucking stop these guys. Stop making their fucking films again. You retarded Hollywood ass wipe dumb fuck executives. God, are you guys fucking stupid? Who the fuck would take a horrible? Who would see an episode of Land of Lost or Sigmund and C monster go, we got to make 90 minutes of this. It was horrific at 22 minutes. Here's how bad sleeping in the sea monster must have been. I came of age as a young boy, 10, less than 10 years after it came out. I never heard of it until you started railing on about it. It didn't stay in the test of time, even seven or eight years ago, got paid a nice chunk of change to write it. Thank God somebody fucking woke up and pulled the fucking plug on that piece of shit. Anyway, I'll talk to Alan. We'll get the we'll get the word back from Marty. Who seems like a nice enough guy. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying they're bad, man. I'm sure no offense taken. It's just somebody needs to walk into their office, grab their laptop or their typewriter or their mechanical pencil and fucking throw it on the ground and break it and go, you can never touch another thing that creates. I cannot have you getting involved with the written word anymore. Your fucking ideas are retarded and the ones you had 40 years ago are still retarded today. So go home and sit on your fucking pile of money and wait to die. Would you stop punishing a new generation with the shit that comes out of your brain? Sorry, other than that, you know, they do decent work. I just love the idea of prying the mechanical pencil from their old man hands and just doing that thing like when I when a cop, you know, good cop. Good cop buddy thing. Yeah, good cop, but literally getting like good cop buddy thing where like Nick Nolte tells anyone, yeah, you want a gun? Yeah, I give you a gun. They pulse this gun out and just pulls the clip out that pops the ones in the chamber. Make sure it's clear. There you go. No, the guy who says and the one of the chamber. Yeah, that's what I do. I'm going to take these point sevens out of there and the eraser. Give it that number two pencil and I just keep turning it to all the light falls a big old man. Go to town. Yeah, all right. Should we, uh, should we do a little news? Getting brackets to do? We got a lot of stuff to do. We're getting a cue to skip the first news because Bruce is waiting, but let's talk about the dating. Yeah, the the tournament of Rosen. Mm-hmm. I love that. It's time for boyfriends, bracket mess. This is the tournament of Rosen. I can't wait. All right, so we got a bracket. It is, uh, you know, in in keeping with the, uh, sweet 16 and the lead eight and the tournament and all that stuff coming up. Uh, the championship and the prize in this case is the love of one else in Rosen and that's me. We're starting with Tyler Hansen and why is Teresa Stronger on there? It's two guys named Tyler. Oh, that's hilarious. That's hilarious. Nick Ferguson is, would you pronounce that Mitch? Is that how you'd spell Mitch? I'm sorry. I can't be with someone who's buzzer in that way, but that might not be a man. They have, they've grouped them specially. We're starting with the Nick. What? We're studying with the Nick and Mitch, I guess. Yeah, we're gonna start with the wannabe comedian conference. Is the guy's name Mitch or not? You'll find out. Okay. Shall we begin? We shall. All right. First up, Nick Ferguson. I feel that I'd be a great candidate to date Allison because I am a charming, witty and age-appropriate male living in the greater Los Angeles area. If she likes guys like Adam, I am a 29 year old male who has lived here my whole life with aspirations of becoming a funny man. I've worked in film and television as a background actor doing low-voltage electrical installations delivered pizza and for one of the larger video game companies in the LA area. Which one? That's, yeah. Okay, place it pretty close to the fence with that. Let me explain something. Low voltage lighting is essentially you putting up Christmas tree lights on the outside of a house. I mean, it's like you bearing that just lamp cord and someone's lawn and then plugging that Malibu lighting too. So he's not even risking getting an electrician. No, he's the guy in the left, I'm assuming. That's what I'm wondering to you and I'm assuming that too. Okay, he's got sort of a John Mayer-esque. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I'm going for him. Right. All right. I am working on a stand-up act in many Los Angeles world renowned open mics and in rehearsal for a community theater production of Jesus Christ superstar. Oh, I actually like that musical. I am the one straight guy who does musical theater. I'm working part time as an educator for a camp program that takes local kids from Los Angeles. Los Angeles is many private schools and allows them to experience the wonders of the great outdoors for a few days. We teach primitive living skills and wilderness survival techniques as well as first aid, which pretty much makes me a more entertaining version of bare grills. Those skills are coming handy when he's bearing even the desert. True. You know, right outside of Vegas. When you're right, you're right. Mm-hmm. All right. Now, how important is a sense of humor to you? It's important. Well, I'm trying to, I mean, realistically, the sense of humor means someone who's funny or someone who laughs at me. I would, I've wondered that before, but I think I really would like to be with someone who's not doing material, but who can banter, who's, you know, silly and has an appreciation of the absurd. Let me explain the double edged sword of banter. Okay. That also means world-class arguer. Because they can stay if they can trade with you when you're having a good day. They can trade when the gloves come off, too. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta think about that one, sister. I really like banter, though. It's like my favorite thing. I prefer to actual communication. Okay. Yeah. But I really don't like arguing. Mm-hmm. I'm also single. I think we're seeing why. Okay. So, sense of humor, good. Yes. Okay. Who's next? Next. My name is Mitch. I spell it M-I-T-C-Z for Google Karma. No. No. Wow. Wow. I'm a 32 year old stand-up comedian/podcaster/web designer living in Hollywood. One of those jobs pays more than the others, but I'm gainfully employed nonetheless. Aggressive piercings. Do I get extra points for performing at Love It's the Saturday after you and Adam did your first show there? Performance at performing means passing tables. No. Conveniently, I'm not into sports. So you don't need, so you don't needant worry. I'll common-deer the TV to yell at complete strangers in matching outfits. I bet Adam's going to rant about dudes who don't like sports, but I'll take my chances. You're worth it. Remind him and I'm an atheist and bought his book during the pre-order days. All right. Well, it's all right, though. I enjoyed facts of life. Wait a minute. What? Huh? But the only one I can remember is where Natasha and Tudy wanted to start a business. What? Natasha? Oh, wait. He's gay. Yeah, no, there's no one in Natasha. Yeah. There's the what was the name of the retarded one? Down syndrome one cousin Jerry cousin Jerry, sorry Wow, this is some slim pickens I don't want to speak for you. All right, but the winner from this bracket's move We know their ages 29 and who cares who picks the winner Allison or everyone Everyone I can't be trusted to make this decision on my own. I I have to move along the 29-year-old low voltage pizza delivery guy Is that the first one we saw yeah, but okay, I have to say something. Yeah, if I weren't looking at them Honestly, I would go for the the second guy, but looking at them makes me want to go for the first guy, but I suspect I'm not gonna have That much in common with the first guy But then the second guy scares me. Yeah, but see both these guys aren't gonna make it. Okay, you have to pick one Move forward and you're gonna cut one loose. This is like the eight nine match up in the first round Yeah, the ones to you the next round I'm not gonna see him in the championship rounds. It would take quite enough Yeah, I'll let you guys need one of these sandbags are gonna be on your gondola when you get to about 500 feet I know but will I eat them? I'm saying you're gonna get raped in a gondola. Okay. Yeah, was I clear? It says to me. Okay Yeah, no, I was okay. Hmm. All right. I'm I cast my vote for Nick I don't like the aggressive piercings of an inch and the crazy spelling of the name either and you know what else if he per oh I'm gonna say if he performs to the John Love its comedy club that could get awkward, but regardless if you perform to the John Love It's comedy club. It could get awkward, so I yeah, I'm I go with you with with your assessment. We go Nick We're gonna go Nick on this one. All right. We'll advance Nick to round two This from the guy's named Tyler conference two guys named Tyler Yeah, so Nick is gonna take on a guy named Tyler no matter what if you look at the bracket. They're in Opposite ends of the bracket. Mm-hmm. See how I'm saying right all right, and we're gonna do that in the second part of My god. I'm on Tinterhooks. Should we take a quick break and we'll bring in Dr. Bruce? Yeah Do a little of this We're gonna bring in Chris Hardwick first. He just flew in from Chicago as well and is about to fall asleep on us So we're gonna change it up a little bit. So bring Chris in. Yeah. All right. So take quick break Yeah, quick break back with Chris Hardwick, Nick Back with our good friend Chris Hardwick and Chris great seed just got back from Chicago. I wasn't oh Thank you crowd of people. Yeah I I was not sure we were going to make it in from Chicago and we left there was a lightning storm in Chicago So we got delayed and then we got delayed coming back into LA. What time did you fly out? We're supposed to leave at 120 we left at 220 Mm-hmm, and then we spent an extra hour and a half I think in the air because Because of weather is it we have a Scotland weather in LA right? Yeah, it's crazy. I too was in Chicago this morning That's what I heard do you have a good time? Yeah, we did a couple shows at the park west and it was great The people were awesome and the shows were great and got back to the hotel at one and did that Seen the lobby at 6 a.m. Oh, yeah, and I I'm always I'm always torn because it's always oh, that's my Being nice because taking a picture because I do this thing where I go I'll sign any book. I'll take your picture. I'll press the flash Yep, and some places they go. Yeah, well fuck off and they go home But in Chicago they line up go down the hallway. I'm 150 feet to the left of this picture in the lobby The the line goes through the theater turns a corner goes down the hall and goes into the lobby and if you're doing two shows It's as good as it feels to have a long line It does suck to stand there for an hour in between that's like you that is that is an Indiana Jones right at Disneyland a great line that you that you have going there You should kind of fast pass. Well, don't not only do your fast best But you what you should do is you should like put all sorts of games on the walls Yes for people line and then have someone entertain them in between well, I think you feel a Chris It does a very successful podcast called Nerdist and and I it says Nerdist here, but I went is it's not the Nerdist, right? I don't know. I think we just call it the Nerdist or Nerdist whatever the Nerdist. Yeah, that's fine with me it's wildly successful and I think it's a weird thing and you don't let me put words in your mouth But tell me if you disagree. I was just telling this to someone the other day. It's the newest thing in Technology and it's the newest thing in art and entertainment this this podcast and this all the stuff that's going on the computer Then meets the oldest thing which is standing on stage Talking telling jokes and then standing behind like an old politician and shaking everyone's hand It's a thank you. Yeah. Thank you for tuning in absolutely. I know I totally agree and I mean, you know I've had this conversation with other comics about how podcasts are the new comedy albums basically right and just now because Consumers are so voracious about their entertainment like we know we were younger You could you could listen to a Steve Martin album 150 times right the concept of a comedy album now is Like no one buys them and people listen to stuff once and then that's it So they just want them. They just want new content all the time. It is it's crazy that though this old meets new concept like Chris your stand-up Career is flourishing in part because of the podcast largely because of the podcast right so have this newest technology Mixed with something that goes back to the Greek days. Yeah, essentially that feeds it right. Oh, do you mean Greek podcasting back when Aristotle would yeah Just saying it there's there's nothing older than just standing there and talking talking well I mean for me the reason you know the reason that I started the podcast because Like the word that I'm so sick of hearing is monetizing like that's a word that you throw that throws around a lot in podcasts and everyone has different strategies You won't hear it here. Oh good I gotta say though the digs here are quite a bit swankier than the last time I was here at Corolla Park Thank you, and it's like the couch is the same, but these mics are all snazzy and and screwed into the table and brine now you're new Yeah, this is and you're streaming live you do five shows a week Yeah, you have a nice little thing going here. We're Donnie's trying. We're trying to you know, I mean we're essentially The tech I mean it's all about the product and since the technology is now in place are almost in place I mean you and I know you and I've worked in radio for years and cable TV for years you walk into these first off There's a boardroom of executives that could paid six figures and don't do anything No, they tell you why you shouldn't wear orange shirts on television or they tell you what kind of Shows that it's like that's if they open their fucking agree wholeheartedly That's if they open their fucking mouth. There's six of them that never say fucking war right I mean, they just literally just sit there and who the fuck wants to support those ass wipes anymore You know, I remember probably six or seven years ago. I pitched a show to spike TV and So we go to the pitch and they shot it down and they go Yeah, we're only making shows outdoors right now What do you mean? Well, yeah, we're only making shows to shoot outdoors. Yeah, like why don't you focus on making a show that's funny And then you can worry them then you worry about where you shoot it like don't care It's where you if you they have these weird, you know Tell me what these weird ideas about types of shows that should be done because you cannot quantify The idea of a funny show, you know, I the thing that drives me insane with all these pitches and who does the great reality? Substant Mark Brunette the guy does a great stuff. He does survivor. Yeah, and does all the stuff. He does looks great It is great. I say to people all the time although it never works in the room when you're pitching something don't worry about the Dish or even the ingredients worry about the chef. Yeah because you could give You could you could take Jimmy Kimmel who's quite the cook and given the garlic and the chicken and the paprika and the whole thing And he would whip up something awesome or you could give it to one of my kids and you'd have a crayon shoved up the ass of a chicken It's not really don't deny that that would be awesome No, it depends what color they want with but the thing is is bird's in a then it's numby the point is is why are we sitting around arguing over chicken? It's like who's making this chicken if Mark Brunette says I got an idea for reality show Let him do it because you take survivor or even you take dancing with the stars or you take American idol You take any of those shows. It's all in the execution sure None of them are inherently better worse than any of the ones that came before to failure You know, I mean, I know it's been said before but American idols essentially karaoke night that somebody did a good job Executing yeah, so why and you sit there and you talk about the concept and tell you're fucking gum start bleeding and it's like Just worry about who's doing I mean whatever whether it what's all in the family? I don't know it's white people sitting in a living room. Yeah talking It's not that you know they get so fucking caught up in the wait a minute I don't think he should be a student. I think he it's like who's doing it? What is stand up? I yell at my agent all the time. I go, "Look, there's good stand-ups, "and there's shitty stand-ups." But let's not argue over the stand-up part, and let's not even argue over the topics. I'm sure John Stewart's topics are just as sort of crappy and mundane as sounding as a crappy comedians. It just like, it happens to go out there and execute it. And it's like, you know, you look at a show like, like Louis CK show on FX. You're like, "This is a great fucking show." And you know what happens on that show? They give Louis X amount of dollars and it goes off. And he makes it and then he gives it to him when he's done. And what do you know? It's a funny show 'cause no one got in the way of the funny guy and the show execution. So, you know, it's like that, but both networks will never take away, you know, except for like companies like FX and HBO and, you know, and even G4 who's super cool about like, "No, you guys just go do what you want and have fun "and you know, we're not gonna get in the way." It's great. Well, I understand why they wouldn't. Like we did four seasons of the Man Show and the producers, Stone Stanley were not allowed on the set, essentially. I was all right with 'em, but my partners weren't wild about 'em. And they weren't allowed on the set and they got four great seasons of the Man Show. And I remember sometimes I'd say like, where's Stone or Stanley and be like, "He's in Israel for six weeks." And I'd go, "Wow, and I'd actually get jealous "'cause he's just getting paychecks while he's working "on other shows." I always wish, was my goal to be kicked off a set, except for own the product and have it be wildly successful. Well, what happened? Season five rolled around and they got let back on the set. Me and Jimmy left, but they got let on the set and then you have a horrible season of the Man Show. So what are they doing? Why are they arguing, by the way, when you're telling 'em, where's the pushback come? That's the part that drives me insane. Like, listen, go back to your office and let me get you rich. Why do you got to fucking come out here and ruin what I'm attempting to do? So let me ask you, 'cause you produce other shows on your podcast network. Are you involved or are you not involved in those shows? 'Cause you're essentially an executive now. No. I do nothing on any of those shows. Donnie does all of it and I told Donnie a year ago, stop adding shows and he just added eight more while I was telling him not to add the shows. He's adding a show about not adding more shows. He wants to make a doc about not adding shows. Yeah, exactly. So that's how it works. But it's great, you know, that the podcasting thing, I mean, when you break it down, it's taking out that, 'cause it used to be the problem with getting your voice out into the world was that you had to go into some kind of a delivery system and that was usually a network. Right. And so, you know, now that to a degree, we don't need that stuff anymore. We can just deliver stuff straight to, I mean, the podcasting has done more for people coming out to see me live than all of the television stuff put together. And it's insane. I remember Mark Maren saying the same thing. It's great. Yeah, Maren is a great example. I mean, here's a guy who's been hilarious for 25 years and he's been on a million shows. And, you know, and besides the fact that he's a brilliant comic, you know, he, it's not, I don't think he would be upset if I were to say that for a while, he wasn't really selling a lot of tickets. Then, you know, he finds this medium. He puts his voice on there. People love it and now he's crushing. And it's, it's, it's so gratifying as a, as a comic because you're constantly, you constantly feel like you have no control in this business. And this is finally a way where you have a little bit of control. It's nice. It's really nice. A question that you've probably been asked a zillion times, but I did not fuck to any of the cars there. Was that it? Yeah, go ahead. I'm going to smell your dick anyway. I mean, I'm going to fight, say, because I've been burned before, all right? Now, where did the name nervous come from? It just sort of came from the idea that, you know, a few years ago, I, I had this, I thought like, well, nerds have taken over pop culture now, you know, when you talk about the technology as a trillion dollar a year sector and, you know, the, the eight of the highest grossing films are all nerd-themed movies and video games are out selling films. And, you know, like, I'm a nerd too. Yes, I'm an, that's for a range of the nerds. And, and so it was just the idea that now, the idea of being a nerd is sort of this ideology that has taken over pop culture and that it was not cool thing to do when I was a kid. Like, I got stuff in a trash can for bringing D&D stuff and Atari game cartridges to school. Same here. And so, you know, there was not, you couldn't, it was not cool to be a nerd when I was growing up. So now I sort of felt like, hey, everyone's a nerd. Even Rednecks have, you know, DVRs, Blu-ray players, smartphones, desktops, laptops, like the fuck, the nerds make the shiny things that distract the mouth-breathers and we have fucking won. So, the idea of nerds was that it was an ideology. That's, that's my sort of long-winded answer to that question. It's got a little of a nerd-raid bubbling. I also, I also would like to point out that, that my answer is well within the brand because it sort of put her off a little bit. Yeah, it's part of being a nerd, putting off females just a little bit. But see, 'cause I assumed it was that, you know, something of that sort, but then I was thinking, or is it like sexist, nerdist? No, no, no, no, no, it's not like that. No, no, no, no, no. The podcast and the comedy, it sort of, it's kind of empowering, right? Like you're starting to feel a little bit of, wait a minute, like, I don't know what's going on. Like, you know, you have a history of doing radio and a history of doing cable television. I don't have to say cable, sorry. No, but you're right. But, but, you know, and I have that same history too. Sure. And so now I have people coming up to me going, hey, you want to do, you know, mornings in, fill in the blank, or you want to do afternoon drive time over here and I think, I don't know. I'm not jumping on it. Well, I mean, you know, why the whole idea? And, you know, like, you started your show when the radio stuff went away. And I'm sure it was tremendously empowering to you when you realize, like, oh, wait a minute, I don't have to listen to a program director. I don't have to work with advertisers. I don't want to work with, I don't have to have people on. I don't want to, I mean, if you can deliver your show to hundreds of thousands of people and you can go straight to advertisers and you can run your business that way, I don't know, it's sort of like why give all that up to go work for someone else. But I think the part of this thing that we didn't, we didn't, I mean, it was a sort of unintended byproduct but a happy byproduct and it sounds like gizz, and it got a little happy byproduct of my hair, right? A happy hour over your byproduct of bulls. The happy byproduct is filling up the clubs. Yeah. Selling the books, for me, selling a, you know, having an audio book that sits around on the top 15 of iTunes constantly for five months, I didn't know that would be a byproduct of doing the podcast. I thought, get enough listeners, get a big enough audience, sell advertising, run it like a radio station, but I didn't think about the ancillary stuff, the clubs and the books and the audio books and that stuff. And for me, what's become the, really just as important to me is the emotional ancillary stuff in terms of, you know, like people, that sounds like gizz too. Yeah, it's gizz too. That's that was my, yeah, I've, I've had so much more gizz since I started the podcast. It increases my gizz count, yeah, emotional ancillary stuff. No counts. Okay. Good. Still filling up the vials. Yeah. But I, you know, it's the idea that like we, one of the guys on my show is just starting to do stand up, right? And so we're encouraging him to do stand up. And we're, we're, I'm explaining to him constantly. Like it's just something you have to do. You have to stop thinking about it. You just need to go out and do it. And the residual factor of that is that people have started writing it and saying, hey, I've now gotten the courage to start doing stuff because I listened to your show. Right. And that to me is thoroughly satisfying. Like the fact that we're affecting nerds and that people, you know, are doing stuff because we're talking about stuff. Like that is awesome. I, you know, the shows I did in Chicago, people come up after the shows and they're just, they're such the nerds are the nicest audience you could ever want. And it's just nice that that too, like, like forming a community with these people. I genuinely like that. I feel like I have pals now. Do you, do you hang back? Yeah. Of course I do everything. Absolutely. Absolutely. I am so thoroughly thankful that they're there. Absolutely. You get pissy when they haven't even taken a camera from their pocket, even though they've been in line for 25 minutes knowing they're going to take a picture. No, I'm not at that point. I'm not at that point. You know, that's a level of success you want to get to where you get impatient with things. Yeah. Then you realize, like, uh, that's when I've made it. When I can get impatient about dumb things, I'm still in the gratitude phase. I'm, uh, I, I meet more 40 something year old, shit-faced broads that are just like they've never been drunk before a day in their life. There's a crazy new breed. I think we've empowered them with the whole cougar thing. Uh-huh. I think we've given them a label because we used to call them mom. [laughs] And that slowed them down a little bit. But now we call them mils and cougars. Yep. And the milf and cougar thing has given them license. Just like, every one of these shows, it's like, it's my first off, that it's my birthday thing. Yep. When it's your 43rd birthday and you're divorced. It's probably not a day for celebration. But anyway, I think it's my birthday and I'm gonna get a figure. And it's like they get hands around. And it's in the thing that's weird is at some point. And, uh, Allison, I've been needing to talk to you about this for a while. At some point, there's a shift, which is to say, we're not in high school anymore. See, when we were in high school and we were 16 or 17 and walking around perpetual boners. And a step 17 year old girl would come up with her arm. around us not not to mention three and go, let's get a picture. This is awesome. That was awesome. Yeah. For us. But once you get in your forties and they get into their forties and and everyone's been divorced a half dozen times. Everyone's got kids and stretch marks and c-section scars. Then when they grab you and they're drunk and they got extra 20 pounds on, they got he signed my boobies. That all of a sudden it's not heaven. I don't get that. I don't get that as much because I have more of the nerds who are docile and sweet. They're like, can I stand awkwardly next to you while someone takes a photo? You know, the worst though is Bachelorette parties at a comedy club. The worst. I never understand why Bachelorette's go to comedy shows. I don't either. I mean, it's like because they are in super selfish mode. Like, this is Jen's night you guys. So we're just going to talk. They'll talk on their cell phones. They're drinking through the dick straws. They're like, it's like you're, that's not really important that you're on stage saying anything. When you compete with a Bachelorette party, it is like a fucking, it's like the battle at Eisengaard. If it is, they're all drunk. Number one, and it's somebody's night. And whether it's a birthday or a Bachelorette, if there's drunk and there's chicks, there's entitlement and look the fuck out. Yeah, they should, they should all just be to Mexican food joint, just drinking pictures of margaritas. Or to strip joint or something. Yeah, you know, like, like jamming dollars around wrapping, like doing a little, like weena rap without bills. So they should be doing a little or a cocky. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Here's the theory on your 40-something girls who are getting drunk and showing up drunk. If they're in the 40s, they would have put them in college around like the mid 90s or early 90s. According to sports guy Bill Simmons, worst time to be in college because that was the big, you know, aidescare. No one was having sex with anybody. They were pulling it back. Unlike, you know, the cocaine. Listen to this freakingomics over here. Yeah. So they're getting out of the system. Now this is the rest of the development type stuff. Not only that, but we all, we all, our generation had a very extended adolescence in that. Sure. That is that seems to extended to the point where it's not ending ever. Yeah, like I'm still in it. Yeah. Now I think it's probably all of those confluences coming together. Yeah, I think calling them, giving them a title, moms, you'd like the fuck or I'd like to fuck. And then the, uh, the, uh, four minutes. Colleagues are years wrong. They're going to be gulf soon. They're going to be gulfs. Right. And then they'll probably proclaim that proudly. Like milk, cougar, it's the same as metrosexual. These are things that no one should proudly call themselves. Right. Someone else, but hurls that at you. Mom slams the brakes on. That's all I'm saying, being called mom, mom, is that a problem? We all grew up with a mom, not a milk, yeah, or cougar or someone is trying to get the nine. I did have a friend in high school. This, I just reminded me I had a friend in high school and his mother was extraordinarily hot. His father was very wealthy and he had this kind of young hot mom. And, uh, but she was his biological mother. And he, we, no one ever said anything about her, but he offered one day we were all hanging it was like, don't talk about to want to fuck my mom. I know my mom's hot, but don't, we'll try to fuck it. We're like, why did, why did you bring it up? Wow. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. There's a weird, weird offering. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I mean, true, but weird, but weird because it's true, probably. And it put the thought more in our heads. And then it put the thought in our heads of like, why, why did you go out of your way to point that out? And then maybe he's thinking about his mom. Well, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, this was pre Jeremy Davies turn and spanking the monkey, which no man can, if you can get through that movie as a guy, there might be something around with you. I had to shut it off halfway through. I hire mom. Yeah. I miss you. I'm, you know, when, when you're, you know, you forget what it's like to be a 15 and a half year old dude like hormones are insane. It's insane. And anything that's hot is sort of fair game. And, uh, as, as sad as it is, even your mom, not that you would have sex with your mom, but you would still recognize her as a track of words. This is part of the Greek podcast. Now, yes, this is this was Aristotle's podcast. Now, you would never, you neither here nor there. Right. You know what I mean, but I mean, you're walking around the fucking boner all the time. I mean, they're like, they're like Kleenex for a two-a-teenage boy. Like, there's another one. There's another one. There's another one. Like just all day long. Pets all day long. Yeah. A PES dispenser of boners. Yeah. PES dispenser of boners would be a great example. I think we should all. I should tell everyone that Chris is not only doing his wildly successful podcast, and you can find that on iTunes and everywhere else, but also doing the live show. He's going to be doing stand-up dates at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, April 9th. Please come to that. The 14th through the 17th Irvine improv. Yeah. We're doing a Sunday. I think we're doing a Sunday show there too. The Wilbur is an interesting experiment because that's a larger theatre. How big is it? About 1,000 seats. Yeah, that's, and so that's a good size. So I've been, I've been, I've been pushing that real hard because it sucks to perform to an empty theatre. I don't know if you know. No, I know. I'm, I'm, I'm getting ready to do that here at the Wiltern in a, in a, Oh, you're doing the Wiltern? That's awesome. Well, it'll be empty because it's fucking lost, it's like Los Angeles is fucking horrible. It's a horrible place to do, well, it's a horrible place, but it's, it's, it's shitty. You know, Dr. Drew and I said many times, traveled the country doing colleges. It was always 3,000 C, 4,000 C, we played 8,000, 9,000 seats in like Florida. And I always say, what the fuck are we getting on a plane for? Why don't we do UCLA and USC and UC Irvine? And like, I'll do it all here and like can't, can't get people out. No, we're, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, this is a LA is a bubble. LA is a bubble in terms of live entertainment. Like people take for granted here because you could see stuff with it. It sucks because I, you know, the thing that sucks for me is, you know, we just got back from the more theatre in, in Seattle and sold it out on a Sunday night, Sunday night, 1900 seats gone. Nice. And that's on a fucking Sunday night. No way. And I'm not from Seattle. Right. I'm from here. No way could do that at the will turn theatre. And I could probably go to Portland and do 15 or 100 or 1900 on a Sunday night. No fucking way. Am I doing hit that on my home turn? Well, we, you know, the nervous thing is, is taking over the back of a meltdown comics. There's a little performance space down there on Sunset Boulevard. So we're going to start doing live shows there. And that seats, you know, like maybe a hundred people or so. And, and even that. And like, you know, we're doing this black dynamite panel and in the beginning of April. And I'm, you know, and I hope people come out to that because it's an awesome movie. But, yeah, it's good. But, you know, but a hundred people unless if you get a hundred people in LA, if you get a hundred people in LA to come out to something, it is a huge deal. No, I, I, it's, it's, it's insane. I never, you know, I never really break it down and think about it. But there, I mean, numbers wise, but there is, uh, the Elportal Theater or Elport Hole or also over here. But I grew up going to that theater and just watching myself Rocky there, like when I was a little kid. And so it was a regular movie theater. And we'll do a show there once a year, maybe twice a year. And I'll have to fucking go out with my knee pads and blow everyone on the sidewalk to get 365 people into that joint for one show. And you're talking about a city with 12 million people. One, one show, just one show. Then we go to Denver. And I'm like, uh, or we go to Phoenix. And I say to Mike August, how big is the room? And I go, uh, it's about a 550 cedar and doing the, you know, tempi improvs, like, you know, it's like 500 seat plays. Like sold out six shows, like, so that's 3000 people. Yeah. Which is awesome. But they're fucking tempi, which is fine. But I went to this theater when I was a kid, I fucking walked there. And we have more people living here than we did in tempi, than doing tempi. What the fuck? And I just realized, LA is just a mishmash of, first off, just crazy nationalities. I don't give a fuck. I mean, I mean, I could, I could go walk into Glendale and find 2000 Armenians and go, Chris Hardwick. And then go, Adam Carl, like, nah, I'm weirdly popular in the Armenian community. Oh, really? No, that's not true. Yeah. Okay. Mark Marit. But, but also, but also, you have to realize that not only that, but everyone in LA is so focused on themselves all the time that no one ever want to go see other people's shows. I know. I know. And everyone's a performer here. So like, oh, I'm not going to go see that show. I'm going to put on my own show that no one's going to come out to. Plus, why go see Adam Carl? The will turn when you can just go out in your car and go down to PCH and run into George Clooney on his motorcycle. Right. You know, I'll just stream at him on you stream. And then I'll go see Clooney and Brangelina. Yeah, you don't, you don't need me for that. But you should support Chris Hardwick because he's one of the good ones. And Chris and I go back. Oh, 15, 16 years. Yeah, yeah, 1994 1994 Chris doing single doubt. I was getting started on K rock and single doubt. One of the, I one of the first sort of was the Jersey Shore long before the Jersey Shore was the phenom. Boy, when I think about what we couldn't get away with on that show. And there's just the way televisions changed in the last 15 or 16 years. Yeah. It's insane. Like our show was considered edgy at the time. And now would now you could probably run it on PBS. They're essentially making a sex tape on Jersey Shore every episode. Yeah, exactly. Or skins, you know, like that show skins where it's like, hey, these 15 year old kids are blowing each other. Wow, wow. We couldn't even make any kind of reference to that stuff. And it was all self-imposed. I mean, even when I was on Comedy Central, it was a lot of like weird arguments about you can say underpants, but don't say panties, it's creepy or stuff like that, like stuff that seems so weird and innocent now. And you certainly know assholes or tits, tits were definitely a no-no on the radio back in the day. Now, you can say tits on FX or, you know, you can say-- - They say, they say shit. You know, it always takes me out of the action whenever they say shit on FX or like Mad Men or something a little bit 'cause I know that they can say it like twice in episode. And so the first time they say it, then I step out of it. I'm like, oh, that's the one time they can say that. Like it doesn't feel as organic into the woven into the plot because it just feels like, oh, we get to use this now. So here's the time. - This thing, it too, it's insane. It's like saying, if the guy smokes two cigarettes, it can be PG-13, but if he smokes three cigarettes, it's gonna be an R, it's like, what the fuck? - It is insane. - My movie was rated R because there were two quick fucks in it. And there were like, one of them was a black guy going, don't tell everyone you knock mouse like to the canvas motherfucker. He just did a motherfucker like a, you don't realize when a black boxer says motherfucker almost sounds like he's singing. Like it doesn't sound. It's not like my mom, my mom says-- - The APA was probably afraid of black people. - Yeah, it was like one like motherfucker. And they said, you know, remove one of the fucks and you can get a PG. It's like, what do you mean remove one? What the fuck are you talking about? - By the way, it's 2011, like kids, I don't know. Like the fact that we get so obsessed about language, the fact that we get so obsessed about language. - Oh no, oh no. - No, I'm sorry, it's just a waste. - And if my movie comes on TV, it'll do that thing where it'll be language and then violence. It's an amateur boxing movie with only amateur boxing in it which is shown on the Olympics on television. That's your, that's violence. They're wearing a head gear and 16 ounce gloves and it's an Olympic sport. - And there's rules. - And there's rules and a referee and it's an Olympic sport. That's, why, I mean, I don't have to like check boxes. You can justify this R rating but really violence for a movie that's about boxing. - Maybe they mean violent laughter. - Yeah, that's right what they mean. - Yeah, they do. - Lock your kids up. Fits a violent laughter. - You don't want them to go into spasms from laughing. - Ah, well, once again, speaking of laughing, April 9th at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, I feel you on this one, Chris, I feel your pain 'cause there is that thing of, you know, when you're doing, when you're doing the Irvine improv, you're doing six shows and a place holds 300 and change. And you know, you'll do all right. And maybe Sunday night, there'll be 175 people in there but they'll put them up front and they'll feel pretty good. It'll, it's not gonna, it's not gonna feel like a hollow, empty, blimp hanger pain. - Right, but with one guy where you just sit at his table and do your jokes today. - Yeah, you get 209 people and 1,000 cedar, it's gonna be hard to, hard to make rock shoot out of it. - All the shows that in Chicago were sold out, there were like seven of those shows. There you go. - There you go. - But it's small, Zany's, which is a legendary comedy club. - What's it hold? - That's like 150. - You gotta get 'em all on one night. (laughs) Guys, if you could just move your Wednesday to Thursday's schedule over to Friday or Saturday night. - Yeah. - And also be in Boston. - And be in Boston. - We're doing pretty good though in ticket sales so far, but it's not sold out. So that's, that's sort of the, - All right, well let's, let's, let's push it. - I appreciate your confidence. - Yeah. - The podcast is The Nerdist and you can Twitter, Chris at A Nerdist also, or @NerdistStarting. And Nerdist.com is the website, Chris. I know you're jet lagged and you're tired. I know, I feel you're paying, baby. I was in Chicago this morning too in the weather. It's fucking horrible. Flying into L.A. was this choppy. - Oh yeah. - And as bad as it's been. And I, you know, I always feel bad for the pilot 'cause he's constantly apologizing. - Yeah. - He's like, he's giving me, sorry, with chops, where's the top shirt? And I'm like, "Hey buddy, you ain't God, "you're doing the best you can do "with the cards you got delty." Like, it's choppy. It's not, you're not flying the plane incorrectly. - Yeah. - We're going into a thunderstorm. Like, I can dig it. - Yeah, it gives the past, it comes the passage. It gives, it gives in the sense that the pilot has control or what's going on. - I don't know if I like him apologizing though. You know, there's a part of me that thinks, there's a part of me that doesn't want the guy in charge. Like, I don't want the football coach apologizing in the fourth quarter. You know, and maybe after the game, maybe once we get on the ground, start with the apology. - We had to pull out of a landing going into JFK a couple of weeks ago and that kind of shook people up a little bit, but I was like, "Hey, you know what? "He did not land in bad landing conditions." This was the right thing to do. - I got this one which I had to do a little soul searching today when we're coming into LAX. He said, "I'm going to tell the flight attendants "to stay buckled in and stay in their seat." So you're sort of on the honor system, on the turning off of the portable electronics or getting the seat back into the upright position. I thought, "Ooh, I could, I was sitting in coach." That meant I could lean back a full three eighths of an inch and I could listen into a little grand park or on my headset while we come in and then I thought, "Now bad karma." - Bad karma, bad karma, bad karma, bad karma. - 'Cause you, you times 200 people? - Yeah, bad karma. - Then you're interfering with the, yeah. - You're right. - Chris Hardwick, bad karma, bad karma. - Our pleasure, quick break. We'll bring Dr. Spaz in and do a little health beat next. - Ace Broadcasting presents Health Watch with Dr. Spaz. - Yeah, Dr. Spaz. - Dr. Bruce. - Hey. - Board Certified Physician. Dixon Medicine Specialist. Oh, no gel in the hair tonight. - Well, you know, I had a swim here, so I figured I wouldn't drive so fast. - No gel, the horrible glasses. - But look at the glasses. - Yeah, my God, I gotta get rid of this. - Yeah. - I sit on a pair of these about every other day. - Yeah. - Dr. Bruce does emergency medicine, works at the OR, which's gotta be the worst gig on the planet. - You are? - Sorry, you are not the operator on the ER. And drives a mini van with custom rims that he got on the internet. Yeah, pretty funny. But again, as you can look up in the Urban Dictionary, Goodlens is bad frames. Smart guy just wouldn't know it by looking at him. We're talking to him. - Sure, thank you. - Are we working with him? - He knows his way around a coffee machine. There was no coffee earlier and he and I together pulled down operation. - Yeah. - Modified after fashion that I'm quite proud of. - Dr. Spass, do you still owe me $50,000 for a laser I co-signed for? - Well, I think we need to modify that for you. But basically, no good deed goes unpunished. - What about the payment program that I was trying to work out with you? - Well, IRS sort of subverted you to the second, third place after my ex-wife. - That's awesome. - Oh, yeah, my wife starting a spa with Jimmy's ex-wife was such an awesome idea. - Oh, yeah, three years of my life. - What's that worth? - About three years of my goddamn wallet. - Yeah. - All right, don't get me started. - Okay. - What are you talking about? - I know the end of Joe Pieces of what's going on. - It's on Wikipedia, too. It's great. My kids say, "Dad, drunk Wikipedia." And it says, "Yo Adam, girl, if it's 1,000 bucks." Uncle Adam? - Yeah. - Are you doing laser procedures? - Yes. - Well, what were you doing? - The laser was what, confiscated or what happened to the laser? - No, I finished paying it off and you turn it back in or you get a captive for 10,000 more dollars. - Well, I should have fucking done that, right? - Well, I talked to your people. - Well, I should have just paid them 10 grand and just so I'd have a laser. Right now I'm out 50 grand for nothing, right? - Well, you know, it was a business opportunity that couldn't lose. - But what were you doing with the laser? - Once in a while, my wife with a straight face tries to explain to me that that was sort of a success. The spa was kind of a success. That's by the way, when we're having those arguments where you don't want to argue with the world class argue, especially a guy has a wallet and knows how it works. But yeah, but it's a good lesson for everyone, which is if you want to, here's the lesson. I fucking mean it, I mean it. If you want to start a business, you fucking pay for it. Because if you don't pay for it and someone else is paying for it, namely me and Jimmy, you don't work a lot of 80 hour weeks. You guys know what I'm talking about? - There we go. - Yeah. - It was sort of. - Yeah. All right, here we go. - Oh, there was four of the spa. - Yeah. - But what did you do with the laser? That's what I want to know. - It was for kind of laser procedures. - Okay. - It evaporated money for my, for my checking account. - In very, very thin slices. - Yeah, you wouldn't even notice that. Money didn't even know it was 50 grand. Just a couple of blasts from the laser. - No trace of it. - Oh, God. - Amazing. - No problem. - It makes you remove your money. - Oh, it's so awesome making money. So awesome. - What's it like? - Yeah. - Let me explain what it's like. I'll tell you what it's like. You can give this guy 50 grand for this. You can give that guy 50 grand for that. And the thing about making money is whether it's a family member or whether it's a business venture or whatever it is. You don't get paid back and it's not discussed. I mean, you could only imagine Brian. You, he who puts other people's pillows on the filthy ground to put their filthy beasts upon them. What if somebody owed you $50,000? Like one of like a family member or co-workers. I'm just owed you 50 grand. And you know, you'd see him. You'd go out to dinner that come over to your house that come over for Thanksgiving. Years would go by. Nairia Word mentioned. That's the part that I was like, - It's not the part where you were. have the 50 grand to give them, that makes it bad. It's a part where it never happened. And then if you said to them, hey, where's that money? They'd go, well, you being a dick. But please feel welcome, Dr. Briss. No, wait a second. Who brought it up? Remember that time? You didn't even know about it. You're like, huh? That's how I'm going to show you. All right. Anyway, don't listen. If you're going to start a business, you pay for the fucking business because I told you I told my wife, you want to start a business, you got to do 80 hours a week, not, and she was like, what, what, what? And I said, I didn't see anyone there on a Saturday. I didn't see anyone there past six o'clock, maybe, maybe, Bruce, the point is, I don't blame them. It's just when somebody's underwriting, it's like college. When somebody's buying all your meals and buying all your books and paying your tuition, you fucking sleep in until noon. When you're paying for the college, you'll get your ass out of the dorm in the morning. Thank you. Where are we? Radiation. Oh, yeah. What's going on in Japan? Hey, well, it's, there's seems to be some containment at the last few hours. We've heard that a couple of the reactors are contained, but what's going on in Japan and what's going on here are the same people are in deathly fear of radiation poisoning. I'm not. Well, you're not, but you got kids. I mean, let's give a shit. Listen, as I hear, so what? It was a lot of big. Oh, look out, look out about Japan. And then I told everyone to shut up, give me a body count. And then it went to defcon five. And I was like, Oh, yeah, the whole place is melting down. And now it's going to be back to I'm just saying I want a body count. Okay. Well, there's not going to be a body count from the radiation exposure probably. And we have a number of years or not at all. Well, probably not at all. We have nothing over there. I really don't think so. And over here, what people are worried about, the potassium iodide taking iodine, the radiation that we're talking about is coming over in particles. It sits on dust and its radioactive iodine is what you're concerned about right now. The amount that is coming over is insignificant. And with a rain like this today, it gets washed out. And the concern would be what are the, when it's washed into the ground, it's washed into the plants, the cows eat the plants, and the place you find radioactive iodine, and you have to look for it as in dairy products. So when you really worry about this look for measurements in dairy products. That's what they're doing in Japan right now. Right. And they are finding that a dog absolute, they're doing it here. Right. And they will. So well, again, we don't have real problems. No, they're, but they're people taking iodine now. Think about their, their assholes. They don't have real problems. Well, I don't know who they are. You know, they all live in Santa Monica. They all live right next to the fucking ocean. They all got the cogs. This bumper sticker on the Prius. And that's who, that's who does it. There's no born again Christians that do it. Oh, I think there are. No, they're not. Survivalists. I know the same. No, no, they're, they're worried about jack booted thugs coming from the government. They're not worried about. And they're also be like, and who sells you the iodine? The government. Right. Right. Right. But they have a list. Right. No, just so think about it. There's no need for iodine in any case. And the iodine is one of the things we worry about in medicine. There are a lot of people with iodine allergies. Think a shellfish. Think of the iodine. You give people and you're doing procedures in medicine. It's, it's something that's highly good. I hope these guys all die of iodine poisoning. Okay. I don't like any of these ass wives. And again, all you naysayers, all you nuke naysayers, give me a body count or shut the fuck up idiots. Okay. So someone gave me like a kilowatt per coal and kilowatt per nuke body count. And it was like 160 sometimes and kilowatt, but maybe it was like jigger water, mega water, whatever. Or rent or rent. Point is, it's, it's, it's at least 160 bodies to 0.04 bodies in the nuke world. And that's all I've been saying the whole time. Nothing's free. Everything you burn, I mean, every time you want energy, you have to sort of strip the energy from another place. I'll give you this. I know you thought you're going to talk on the segment. Here's what I'm saying. You want to make power in your car. You want your car engine to have some power. You wish that minivan had a little more than 140 horses under the hood, right? Okay. The point is this, you could hook up a supercharger. And that supercharger would give you another 80 horsepower. But this supercharger runs off the crank. And there's a belt that runs to the crank. And it robs energy from the crank. Now you get more horsepower, but you're stealing it from the crank. You're wearing down. You're loading up the crank a little bit. Still worth it. But I'm saying nothing is free. You don't get 80 horsepower for free. You steal it from the crank. And you don't get a million gigawatts for free. You dig it out from the ground. Right. And if you're going to do a solar farm, that has ununforeseen consequences as well. I mean, that's using a lot of heavy metals and things of that nature. And I'm all for it. I'm just saying we want everything to be free and 1000% safe. And that's just not the way energy works, whether it's your engine or the lights in your town. It costs something sometimes live, sometimes holes and grounds, sometimes drilling rigs, sometimes, you know, tsunamis and tidal waves. But it's not free. No, no, no. Have any lights on. It's not free. Freediation. Now there are other interesting places where there's radiation. And just something that came to mind now, look at the hybrid car, where you have a generator, which produces an electromagnetic field, which your baby is sitting right next to the head in the back seat. And that's something that there's been some concerns, probably very low level radiation. But there's radiation everywhere. Your baby's cell phone is probably worse for you. That's right. My baby's page. How is that similar to or different from the radiation I received? You know, I'm saying for the brain tumor. Radiation, whether it's neutron gamma night for gamma radiation, it's generally either particles from an atom or basically photons. Gamma radiation are very high frequency photons. So there are different forms of radiation. There's neutrons. There's protons. But what they're doing is they're going through an atom and they're splitting off subatomic particles in some way. That's boring. Yeah, boring, which I'm not a physicist. I find it hot. So there's natural radiation. For instance, in a banana, bananas have their large amount of radiation relative to what's in the environment. So if you have a container full of bananas, actually can set off the counters at the ports. Even if you put a mania without peeling them, like Allison does. So anyway, people. It's just convenient. It's convenient. I don't always have a place to put my bananas. It's a tiny pack on it, everybody. Yeah, all right. In potassium, there's certain elements of certain types. You're on a long bike ride. They tell you to bring a banana. But who wants to ride with one hand? The point is there's no risk in that. Where there is a risk and where people should be more concerned are cigarettes, friends, and cigarettes have a polonium. That's the same way. Yeah. So one of the reasons people can get lung cancer from cigarette smoke is that there is an radioactive isotope in cigarettes. And that is something that the. Exactly. All tobacco. In all tobacco. It's because I believe it's ignited. Like what about a pipe? It's how the tobacco's grown. It has to do with fertilizer. And I believe it's crushing up phosphate and it ends up. So not for the weed then. For the what? Weed. Weed like hot. It's what the kids call marijuana. I don't know. That's a good question. It's the fertilizer used for tobacco that produces the. And then what about the all-natural tobacco cigarettes that are out there and hip? I don't know. I know. The thing about that is every doctor, I'll just go, yeah, don't, don't smoke. Yeah, I think it's the burning is what. No, no, no, it's. Well, it's a carcinogen, I think. Yeah. It doesn't matter where. I'm talking about the radioactive isotope that's into tobacco has to do it basically the fertilizer, I believe. But. Or smoking, it doesn't matter if it's natural. I don't, you know, if you combust a material, it's just like with marijuana, the carbon monoxide is dangerous, and there are carcinogens more so in pop. But they'll say where you've never had a death from marijuana. That's what, you know, the response would be. Well, they've had, you know, 55,000 deaths from second-hand smoke and not a single death from marijuana cigarettes. It's all however you want to do the numbers. And we're just, again, we're a bunch of scared nut jobs who every time somebody dies, we need to know what the reason is. What do you do? Why? How come? How come? What happened? You're using the cell phone too much, standing too close to the microwave, too many bananas in the couch. What's going on? And I just think you can affect that. Obviously, if you're, you know, working in your shipbuilding and you're out there spraying on the, whatever the fuck is best. Asbestos and stuff. Yeah, that's going to do. But generally, we all live in the same place under the same conditions. It need about the same food. And then ball brine gets a brain tumor and the assholes. You didn't even have a pet bird, which is cancer-causing. Right. Everyone want to know. I didn't actually, a little asbestos. What a hell. - Now that's interesting, I got a cell phone article. If the first evidence of cell phones do something, do anything in the brain. - Let's hear it. - Okay, so this is a study where they looked at a 50 minute phone call and then they did basic pet scanning, which is, looks at glucose metabolism in parts of the brain. And these people were just receiving, they weren't talking, and there was 10%, I'd be seven or 10% increase in glucose metabolism in the language center of the brain. - This is the first time anyone's shown. - So what does that mean? - Well, it's showing that the cell phone has an effect on brain function. And if it has an effect on metabolism, it could have an effect on. - The person wasn't just talked out. - Right, so, the electromagnetic field should have an effect. - Should one then use an earpiece? - An earpiece. - To avoid this? - An earpiece, there it is. That's with phone off, with phone on. - Sure, an earpiece is definitely reducing the exposure to the electromagnetic field. But it's another form of radiation. And there's, you know, microwave ovens. - And there's now all the new scanning stuff that's going on at the airport, too. - Right, well those are extremely low. I mean, that's, I know, but everyone's freaked out about everything all the time. Do you want with the banana? - Well, it's probably waiting a few minutes. - Yeah, I heard you. Hey Bruce, you want to hang out while Allison-- - Oh, I'd love to. - It reads a chapter from a new book. - This has been Health Watch with Dr. Spaz. - It's all about Allison. She got two potential books coming out. We got the tournament, or as you would say-- - Tournament of Rosen. - How would you say tournament? Tournament, how would you say? - Tournament. - Yeah. We got that going on, and we're going to get her a date. Yes. - There it is, the intro. - Okay. - It's time for Boyfriend Bracket Madness. - I actually thought Allison was getting ready to read her book. - I was gonna, yeah, I want to hear that, and then we'll do the brackets. Yeah. - Brian. - Sorry. - Jesus. - All right, so Dr. Bruce, I don't think you've been here when I've read one of my forthcoming books. But anyway, these are memoirs that I'm writing before I experience the thing I'm writing about, because once I, for example, become pregnant or become addicted to drugs and go to rehab, it's gonna be very tough to write the books. - I like it. - So I'm doing it ahead of time. And this is my pregnancy memoir, What I'd Expect if I Were Expecting. And this is chapter four. - Is that music? - I believe we do, yeah. - We need music for that, yeah. - Chapter four. - What I'd expect, if what I were expecting, we're also expecting. Yesterday was quite the challenging day. I was trying to make my baby's ultrasound my screensaver when something caught my eye. There was a barely visible dark splotchy thing in the middle of my baby that looked like a cross between a very small raisin and a very small Labradoodle. Like imagine a tiny Labradoodle made of raisins and then put in a shrinking machine until it was the size of a freckle. I looked closer and that's when it hit me. Somehow my sweet, perfect, can do no wrong, unborn baby had already managed to get her or him, myself knocked up. I can't say I was proud. Mommy needs some juice. I said pouring myself a small drink and chasing it with a big drink. I was so disappointed I couldn't even look at my belly. I tried to calm down by doing breathing exercises and neonatal massage and a few cagol exercises for good measure, LOL, but I couldn't shake the feeling that my unborn pregnant baby was stealing my thunder and not to judge, but kind of a slut. I needed some answers so I called my psychic and upcoming chapters include Amnio, no you didn't, X plus Y equals nutrition, the formula formula no new mother should be without, and hello, are these my privates or my publics? (clapping) - I cannot believe a mind like this is single. I just can't-- - Really? - Yeah. - Thanks. I just can't, I just to show that you know guys put an emphasis on different things. But that was awesome stuff Allison. - Thank you. - Really, it's your best. - Oh, thank you very much. - Really best when you're doing that. - Thank you. - Now, should we keep going with the brackets, I think we got one more. - Yeah, we got one more conference. This is the battle of the guys named Tyler Conference. - Uh-huh. - And choose the winner. - Tyler Hansen and Tyler Love. - Right. - Well see which one is gonna do battle with Nick Ferguson? - No, the brackets will not work out that way. They will just advance to the next round and then we'll find out-- - Ah, I see. - Based on the seating-- - I get you. - I get you. - Okay. - Start with Tyler Hansen. I'm a 23 year old guy who grew up in a small town in Eastern Washington. - Stop for one second. - He's all young. - We told people, but, but hunky. We told people to write in, right? If you want to date Allison. - Yes, it was send in a photo and send in 250 words max on why you should write, okay, this is what you'll be hearing and seeing. Go ahead. - I'm a 23 year old guy who grew up in a small town in Eastern Washington. I'm six foot, three inches, 200 pounds, blue eyes, have brown hair and live a very active lifestyle. Jim, running, swimming, mountain bikes, motorcycles, and yes, I've been playing drums for over 10 years. - Who I like that, but the rest of it, I'm kind of lazy. - Yeah. - It's jam, perhaps. After high school, I joined the neighbor reserves and started going to junior college in Seattle, Washington. - All right. - One. - I'm still currently a full-time student and I know that doesn't make much sense. I've had to serve two tours overseas, driving small boats for the US Navy. - Here are. - Good times. But these said times have really slowed down my education. I also work part time with the Department of Veterans Affairs, helping out old vets from WW2 all the way up until the present war in Afghanistan. He's a hero, he's a hero, he's six, three, he's got blue eyes, solid. - He plays drums and rides and a group of cycles. - Yeah. - This is the child. - But I don't know if he could keep up with you emotionally, mentally, you know what I mean? - Right. - Start picking him apart. - You think I would pick him apart? - I do. - You mean like, you would pick him or-- - You'd pick on him. - I'd just be like, why are you still in school? It makes no sense. - No, no, no, you guys would be talking. You'd make some sort of reference that he didn't understand. That reference would be, you'd quote a Woody Allen movie. You'd do like a line from Manhattan or, you know, Hannah and her sisters or something. - A fax of life. - Or fax of life. He wouldn't know what you were talking about. - And I'd be like, what? - The first time he called 2D Judy, that would be it for his ass. He'd have to put Roller's kids on to get the fuck out of your apartment. - Yeah, yeah. I'd be shooting bananas at him. That's right. - You know it was where they came from. - With occasional trace or cigarette. (laughing) He's gonna keep the bananas on the line. - Yeah, all right. But still, you know, if this was a different situation, and see if this was flipped around. If you were dude and this was a chick, the dude would be all over this chick. Young, active, good looking. - Right. - You see what I'm saying? - Right. - But you probably want different things. - Is Hannah Boat? - Yes. - See, I guess he's saying. - He would probably call it a vessel. And he probably wouldn't mind you mounting his vessel. All right, let's see. What's the next one? - Next up is Tyler Love, and he entitled his composition, "Reasons Why I Should Win A Date with Allison." And he did it in bullet point form, and each of the bullet points is a heart. - Picture him with that. - Yeah, I just want to say something. - Well, it looks like a hot chick. - Right now, already, all over him is wrong, wrong. - No. - Totally wrong. And yet there's a part of me that's sort of taken with Tyler Love, and this is why nice guys hate assholes. - Right. - Is that a real name? - Of course not. - All right, let's see, all right. - "Reasons Why I Should Win A Date with Allison." My last name is Love. In a few years, I'll be Doctor Love. - Ah. - Really? - Yeah. - I have no problem with you spending all of my money. That's what it's therefore, right? - Move over, Doctor Spass. - I can provide you with a list of references who will vouch for my bedroom's skills. - Wow. - I am not involved with any religion, so you won't have to put up with that bullshit. I don't have any kids yet. Maybe I can help with your book. - He's like, "But I do have a girlfriend and a wife." - I love cars, so I'd get along with your boss. - I don't like it myself as a boss. More of the ruler. - I'll never expect you to cook or clean anything. I like to help the economy by creating jobs for the immigrants. Migrants, it's practically charity work. All the benefits of tiger blood without the crack addiction. - Oh, that's kind of funny. - Want to go on a Caribbean vacation this year? Even if I don't win the date, you can take me up on the offer. I think you're sexier than Charlie Sheen's goddesses. When AskMen.com published their list of the 99 most desirable women, I wrote them an email that said, "Where the fuck is Allison Rosen?" - I love her, yeah. God damn damage her as if you missed her. I've been told I have boyish good looks and like to have a good time. My picture is from Halloween when I dressed up as John McInero, although it looks like I might have a lazy eye I was just sledge hammered. Yeah. - See, he's like, I could burn through that one in like three weeks, and then I'd probably hate him. - But it'd be good, be good three weeks. I think so but is how old is he 12? It's gonna be a doc there in a few short years. How old does that make no age Stated on the note 20 or 21. No, he could be 24 That's still young the other guy's 23. Yeah, I know A's mountain biking and doing all that shit. That's for the goyms Not for you. Yeah, not for you. You don't impress at you by saying I mountain bike. They don't like that Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm looking for now. What am I looking for not that nothing with Navi tires A Jew wants nothing to do with a Navi tire not on a bicycle not on a jeep not on a Remember I told you the story of the the white pride guy that I accidentally went out with a lot of Navi Wanting you want to know what we did on our first date Went off-roading in his jeep somewhere where you cars aren't even supposed to go and it was a jeep that was open Like I had to hold on to things that I didn't know how to medically sealed ones that you hear so much about that one Yeah, World War 2 exactly. It was horrible Yeah, no Jew and it had Navi tires. She's not coming. There's no Jew wants anything to do with a Navi tire no on anything I want my tires bald. You put knobs on a bagel. You wouldn't get near it That's right. That's right. You fuck the everything bagel is to know me. Yeah, all right So the first guy even though he's a he's a patriot and even though I like and a hero and I'd like to hang out with Tyler number one you would That does that that's a good dude. Yeah, but number two's got a sense of humor Yeah, and that's what you got to go for. Yeah, I mean, I'm just I'm not trying to put Dixon. I'm words in your mouth, but that's Number two. I'm saying. I'm I would vote for Tyler love thinking of you Thank you voting for my loins. I would go for Tyler Hansen. That is so altruistic of you I'm you are really good. What is it ruler? Mm-hmm benevolent. You are benevolent despot. Thank you Yeah, I agree. I'm going with number two on this one. Okay. We got our we got our first starting to get our brackets filled out here That's Tyler love Yeah, all right. Where's our outro? Show a picture with him in a chick But he Arraised her face with some sort of acid that he probably keeps for such purposes. I bet we did that. Oh, did we? Yeah, oh good Yeah, so he doesn't have to be that smart. All right. I think that's about it for the show everybody We never got to any news, but what the hell? We're loaded. We're loaded for bear so until next time this Adam Corolla for bald brine and Alson Rosen and Dr. Spaz remind you keep the dream alive turn somebody on to the show get him to subscribe do it for Their lame asses and let's take the record I'll keep you posted on that as the week goes on last some answers at the end of the week and also see me at the Will turn theaters really so I don't have to see you because if there's 80 of you I will see every single one of you in that two thousand seed venue first 500 get the Get the paper back. That's right get it free get it signed and get it in advance with the bonus chapter so And till next time also will be at Levitt's Club coming up this Thursday with Pam Adlin the voice of Hill what's his name Hill What's that Peggy Hill? All right. No, not Peggy Hill. She does the Sun. Oh, Hank Hill. I mean a body Hill Bobby Hill I wouldn't say Hank Hill, too, and my wife from my sitcom. Oh, we should show we'll show a little bit of that that'll be fun and We'll relive that horrific story. I was telling you about her and Danny Thomas and Also Gilbert God for Wow. So that is this Thursday at the John Lovings Club up at the city walks to see that that's been a good time. Thanks for coming out So until next time it's Adam Corolla saying Mahala I Am the one straight guy who does musical theater All right, there's Adam Kolesho 527 come to the next we have Adam Kolesho 1541 Chris and Whitney to guess not in this portion This is just Gina grad Brian Bishop and Adam Corolla with a world premiere from Rich Banks pertaining to Brian's revelation from episode 1539 check it out And talk to oh, we got a rich bank song. Oh, we got a new rich bank song. Well, why don't we hear our rich bank song then? Bringer Bringer, this is In the back of my semi Six five looks like we go Way back in 91 on a long haul run in a kinworth hauling logs I'll count my nephew back in my sleeper cabin. He's pulling on his haul Had a full load in my trailer and one all over my She's all I could hear was the wine of those retread tires and bald brine slap at his knees Through the night Yeah, just holding it up all boys paint my sleeper cap like you see your old ball boy ain't nothing getting the news weight I'm driving the truck involved boy across the USA for long Get some cheers on the back of my truck again Yeah Are you honored or horrified? I'm I'm honored to be rich banks muse for today a few questions. What song was that? Oh, yeah, I don't know that. Oh No, Convoy didn't we know that's not CB7. Oh, right, right, right. That's not CB 7 Convo is one of the greatest Artistic endeavors music or not. It's ever ever been you know a pen laid to paper and and Fingers to banjo. Oh, there's there was a movie called Convoy. Is this another Burt Reynolds 1980s cop movie? No Chris Kirstofferson The only other one it could be stars in Convoy and yeah, they got Back when driving a truck was noble, but now we know you're so easy It's just completely To the song come first and then the movie or just from the movie. I think this song was This is This was I think this was a hit and then I think the movie came out, but there was a there's a few Trucking movies back then there's one called white line fever Michael Vincent dual This is a different oh dual sure. Yeah, that wasn't really I mean that was it there was a great movie, but it wasn't like truckers It's number one song and this was like Dr. Demento. This is a no this country and pop charts number one song This is song 75 movie 78 okay, also rich banks if you're ever gonna update the song in 91 I was actually balding. I wasn't completely bald yet. I was just losing my hair. All right, that was awesome All right rich banks for the new hilarious song and the craziest turnaround time possible all thanks to ball brine for the revelation and it's great Bit of comedy gold from our show history. Hope you guys enjoyed today's episode. That does it for days cool classics until tomorrow I'll and get it on Hello and welcome to Pluto foe if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see just stream it for free on Pluto TV We're all your bloodbusters favorites are landing all summer long catch anchor man the legend of Ron Burgundy fantastic The matrix trilogy welcome to the real world mean girls And so much more for showtimes press nothing. They're free 24/7. That is so fast Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing and gauging and monetizing and that's where podcast one pro comes in Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand podcast one pro gives you the tools You need to take your podcast to the next level We're talking about premium hosting advanced analytics Dynamic ad integration and expert distribution all designed to maximize your reach and revenue plus With access to podcasts ones industry leading network you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcast1pro.com to get started today. Podcast1pro, the power behind the podcast. Hello and welcome to Pluto Fo. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Mean girls. Side up. Titanic. From the key in the world. And so much more for showtime. Press nothing. They're free 24/7. That is so fast. On Pluto TV, stream now. Pay never.