Don't Waste Your Life (Use THIS Daily Shift To Build a Life That ACTUALLY Feels Meaningful)

This is a IHOT podcast. Guaranteed Human. I'm Clayton Nackered in 2022. I was the lead of ABC's The Bachelor. But here's the thing. Bachelor fans hated him. If I could press a button and rewind it all I would. That's when his life took a disturbing turn. A one-night stand would end in a courtroom. The media is here. This case has gone viral. The dating contract. Agreed to date me, but I'm also suing you. This is unlike anything I've ever seen before. I'm Stephanie Young. Listen to Love Trap on the IHOT radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you for being on my channel. It means the world to me. Make sure you subscribe so you never miss an episode. I want to start with a question that might feel uncomfortable. Not dramatic, not motivational, just honest. What if the biggest risk in your life isn't failure? It isn't rejection. It isn't being judged. But slowly wasting your life without ever realizing it. Not all at once. Not in a tragic way. But quietly. Comfortably. Most people don't waste their life doing the wrong things. They waste it doing fine things for far too long. And today I want to talk about what it actually means to waste your life according to psychology, neuroscience and philosophy and how to stop doing it without burning everything down. Here's the reality. I don't want us to take our preconceived notions of what wasting our life looks like into this conversation. And I'm definitely not telling you that you've ruined everything. That you've lost everything. I want you to listen very carefully. If you've ever felt busy, but empty, successful, but restless, or like time is moving faster than you are, stay with me. Because that's what we're really talking about. So here's the truth that most people miss. You don't waste your life by making one bad decision. That's the common mistake we think. We think, oh my gosh, if I made this one bad decision, my life is over. Oh, if I take this direction and it doesn't work out, I messed up. Oh, because I went to university or college and it didn't pan out, that was a bad idea. Oh, you know what? Because I didn't make it through to this round. That makes it not worth it. We think we waste our life because of one bad decision, one bad moment. But here's the reality. Most of us actually waste it by defaulting. Psychologists call this the status quo bias. Our tendency to stick with what's familiar, even when it no longer serves us. Think about how many times you've stayed in a relationship, even though it's no longer respectful to you. How long have you stayed in a job that devalues you? How long have you tried to make something work when that other person disrespects you? All of us stay in places that no longer serve us. And that's how we start to waste life and time. Now, I want to be really honest about this. You're not really wasting time because you could be getting the energy to move. But I want you to be aware of this idea of defaulting. I want you to be conscious of the belief that you can move. There's a famous quote that says, "If you don't like where you're standing, move. You're not a tree." I love that quote because often we feel like trees in situations in our lives. The reason why I'm telling you that is I don't want you to feel like you can't move. I don't want you to believe that there isn't more out there. Research shows humans will tolerate dissatisfaction far longer than uncertainty. So we stay in jobs that drain us. We stay in relationships that shrink us. We stay in routines that numb us, not because they're good, but because they're known. Think about that. Tick not Han famously said, "We'd rather stay in familiar pain than unfamiliar pain." The unfamiliarity of uncertainty, of changing a job and changing our relationship, scares us so much that we stay stuck in situations that are not good for us anymore. We allow time to pass by even though we're not happy, content, excited about where we are. And sometimes that time is processing, but sometimes you and I know that time is being wasted. We're not really living, we're waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting, or maybe even worse, numbing. We're just like, "Okay, I'm just going to accept I don't deserve better." And I think that is where so many things change in our life. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cared for, you deserve to love, and you deserve to care for others. We all deserve that. And when we settle and say to ourselves, "I'm willing to settle for less than I deserve, I'm willing to tolerate disrespect, I'm willing to be taken for granted." That's when we've really lose. And here's the most dangerous part. A wasted life doesn't look wasted from the outside. It looks stable, it looks busy, it might even look impressive. Until one day it feels heavy. Right? Sometimes you're looking at someone and you're thinking, "Your life looks amazing, you nailed it." But what they're experiencing on the inside is very different. And people might even say that to you, they might even say, "Well, you make it look easy." "Well, your life looks great." "Everything looks wonderful." And inside you're thinking, "Yeah, but I know I'm meant for more." I know I'm meant for more. By the way, if you already are happy in that stability, there is nothing wrong with that. Only you can answer this. I can't answer this question for you and I can't tell you it. But it's your personal evaluation to say, "I'm meant for more." I think I can do more. I think I can be more. I think I want more. Whatever that may be. I was actually happy in my steadiness. But there was something inside of me just saying, "I'm meant to serve others. I'm meant to make a difference. I'm meant to try." And that's what brought me to hit her. That's what brought me in front of you all right now. And so I don't want you to accept something just because it's what you've got used to. Here's the first thing I want to talk about. Time is not what you think. Most people think time is unlimited. Psychologists call this time optimism. The belief that we'll always have more time later. But studies show that once people pass their mid-30s, time is experienced exponentially faster. Not because clocks change, but because novelty disappears. When days look the same, the brain compresses memory. That's why childhood felt endless. And the last five years feel like a blur. I think about it all the time. I find that being so true that as a get older, time moves faster. Time feels like it's speeding away every year feels faster. I can't believe we're in 2026. The pandemic feels like yesterday. 2016 when we've been posting everything that we were all doing 10 years ago feels like yesterday in one sense. But time has moved so much faster. When asked what surprised him most about humanity, the Buddha responded, "We think we have time." Now I don't want to be morbid. I want to be really realistic about this. The belief that we have time is healthy when it makes us use it wisely. The belief we have time is dangerous when it makes us lazier. I'm not asking you to hustle. I'm not asking you to stress yourself out. I'm not asking you to burn out. I'm trying to encourage you to make sure that your time is accounted for. The way we use time, the way we use money, the way we use our energy is powerful. It can make a huge impact. It can change things. And a lot of us waste both time and money. We don't count our money. We don't really think about how we spend our time. So here's what I want you to remember. A life without novelty feels short, even if it's long. Wasting your life isn't about dying early. It's about living on autopilot. When asked what's the biggest mistake we make in life, the Buddha replied, "You think you have time." So you wait to start. You wait to change. You wait to say what matters. You wait to live fully. Don't waste your time waiting. The second thing I wanted to talk to you about is comfort is the most expensive drug. I want you to think about that for a second. Comfort is the most expensive drug. Now let's be honest, comfort is an evil, but it is addictive. Neuroscience shows the brain prioritizes energy efficiency. It loves predictability. It avoids discomfort. So once you find a routine that works, your brain says, "Stay here." But psychology shows something else too. Long term fulfillment comes from meaning, not pleasure. Studies from positive psychology consistently show pleasure spikes quickly. Meaning compounds slowly. Pleasure asks, does this feel good now? Meaning asks, is this really worth it? A wasted life is often a comfortable one with no clear reason behind it. Don't choose to be a person. comfort in the short term over the life you'll wish you had later. Don't choose comfort in the short term over the courage your future self will need. Don't choose comfort in the short term over the growth that only discomfort can give you. Think about all the great things that your life is full of. It's all because of some discomfort. It could be the discomfort of your immigrant parents. It could be the discomfort that your family went through to raise you. It could be the discomfort of your childhood that's made you more compassionate and empathetic. It could be the discomfort of the tiring training you did as a teenager that has made you disciplined today. Think about the discomfort that you went through when you went through your first break up, a traumatic experience you had, a rejection you had, a failure you had that has made you stronger and more resilient today. There's a famous quote that says, "I've never seen a stronger person with an easy past because a strong person has fought battles you didn't see. They've lived days that you never noticed and they've worked really hard on themselves. When everyone else thought they had it easy, you are one of those people. You've already done uncomfortable things and I get it you want to rest. I get it you want to stop. I get it you want to pause and it's good to have that time. It's good to have that energy. But as humans we constantly find that seeking the right discomfort can propel us forward in a way that comfort never can. Think about the idea of comfort food. Comfort food makes you unhealthier. Comfort food makes you lazier. Comfort food takes away energy. Healthy food may not taste it good. It doesn't make you feel comfortable in the minute. Going to the gym doesn't make you feel comfortable right now. But it gives you energy. It builds muscle. It builds discipline. The question you have to ask yourself is what are my building by choosing this? I'm Clayton Nackered and in 2022 I was the lead of ABCs, the Bachelor. Unfortunately it didn't go according to plan. He became the first bachelor to ever have his final rose rejected. The internet turned on him. But what happened to Clayton after the show made even bigger headlines. It began as a one night stand and ended in a courtroom with Clayton at the center of a very strange paternity scandal. The media is here. The dating contract. Agree to date me but I'm also suing you. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. This season an epic battle of he said she said and the search for accountability in a sea of lies. I have done nothing to get hurted by the bachelor. Listen to Love Trap on the iHeart radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. The third message is you become what you repeat. Here's something sobering. Your life is not shaped by your goals. It's shaped by your habits. It's shaped by the thoughts you repeat daily. The words you say regularly and the actions you actually implement. That is what our life is actually shaped by. I used to have a mentor who'd always say to me you become what you think about and he would catch me randomly and say what are you thinking about right now and I'd say I'm not thinking about anything. I'm thinking about nothing and he'd say oh well are you going to become nothing. What are you thinking about? What are you dreaming about? What are you planning for? What are you building? That repetition is what creates action. Right, if you think about any action you took first you thought about it. I feel hungry. I think I'm hungry. I believe I'm hungry. So let me go and get food. It comes from our thoughts. So we have to realize that our life is not defined by our goals and where we want to be. It's defined by what we repeat up here. Research shows that up to 45% of daily behavior is automatic which means you don't become your intention. You become your pattern. Let me say that again you don't become your intention. If you repeat distraction you build a distracted life. If you repeat avoidance you build a small life and here's the quiet danger. You can waste your life doing things you never consciously chose. The question is in what do you want? It's what are you practicing? I want you to really think about that. I think often when we're listening to motivational talks or whatever it may be people are like what do you want? What are you chasing? What do you want to go after? My question is what are you practicing? What do you do every day? Because that becomes your week. What do you do every week? Because that becomes your month. What do you do every month? Because that becomes your year. What do you do every year? Because that becomes your decade. That famous wisdom is true. We are what we repeatedly do. What are you practicing? What are you building every day? When you think about it if you've ever seen a construction site, yes someone had to have a vision. Yes someone had to have a plan but bricks had to be laid day by day. If you walked fast to building every day and it wasn't complete yet it's because someone wasn't practicing their vision. Use the vision of what you want to create as motivation to get up in the morning and actually lay that brick. Point number four is the illusion of later. One of the most common phrases people use to waste their life is later. Later when I have more time, later when I'm more confident, later when things slow down. How many times have you put up something till later to never actually get to it? We keep putting off the things that mean so much to us. We keep putting off the things that are important to us that actually bring us joy. Later is a concept that rarely pays off. Psychologists call this future discounting. We assume future versions of us will be better equipped but research shows the opposite. Future you is just you with more habits. If you don't choose now, later won't choose for you because here's the hard truth. Later is not a time. It's a story. There's no such thing as later. There's only now and the choices you keep postponing. When we keep pushing things far away, when we keep pushing things down the road, what we're saying is, "I'll get there." So you make yourself feel better but we all know we don't get this. So how do we do this without guilt? I don't want you to feel guilt or shame by making yourself feel bad about what you haven't done. What I want you to recognize is that you can shift your entire life right now. One thought, one act, one choice can change the trajectory of your life and you can start that thought, that choice today. There's today and what you decide to do with it. Don't worry about the days that have gone past. Don't worry about the years that you should have done this. Could have done that. Would have done that. Here you are right now. There's the moment you're in and whether you choose it. There's only now and the choices you keep putting off. Part five is that fear often dresses up as logic. Most people don't say, "I'm afraid to change my life." They say, "It's not practical. It's not the right time. It wouldn't make sense." That's what we say. Psychologists call this post-hoc rationalization, using logic to justify fear after the fact. See what's fascinating is fear doesn't announce itself honestly. It disguises itself as responsibility. And here's the insight, if your reasons keep you safe but miserable, they're not wisdom, they're fear. A life-wasted slowly is usually a life protected carefully. There's a bit of humility in being able to say, "I know it may not work right now, but I'm going to try anyway. I'm going to start anyway. I don't need to quit your job. I don't want you to break up with someone. I want you to start making the small shifts in how you use your time, where you spend your energy, who you give yourself to, because that's what defines your life. But if we just keep thinking that it's not the right time, now's not the right moment, I'm waiting around. Time will just fly. I'm thinking about moments in my life. Do I wish I started creating content earlier? There were times when I did Only then when I realize that everything had matched up and that's what's amazing about this session. Even though I'm telling you to stop wasting your life, I don't think anything is a waste of life. I think the best way to stop wasting your life is to stop thinking you are wasting your life and learn from every experience you've had. Maybe you have a job right now that you think you hate. Extract the skills from it that you feel will be useful for the future. Maybe in a relationship right now that isn't the one you want. Remember these lessons for later. You are never wasting life if you choose to learn from it. You choose to grow from it. You choose to value it. That's what I want you to really do. You've not wasted any time or any energy in one sense because all of it has brought you to this point where you're reflecting deeply on where you are. But here's what I want to leave you with. A meaningful life isn't dramatic. It's intentional. Research shows people who feel fulfilled do the following things. They act in alignment with their values. Write down your values and live by them every day. Try and ask yourself, did I live by this value? One thing I used to do which I loved growing up is I used to choose one value to practice per month. It could be kindness, it could be humility, it could be assertiveness. Choose one value and practice it for 30 days. Every conversation, every meeting, every email, try and live by it. The next is take responsibility for their attention. Where are you placing your attention? What are you choosing to do on your way from work on the way back? Are you listening to this podcast? Are you reading? Are you listening to an audiobook? You're taking responsibility for your attention. Third, you choose growth over approval. You're not doing things because you want people to like you. You're doing things because you like them. That makes such a difference. You don't do everything. You do the right few things consistently. A non-wasted life asks what matters now. It's all about now. It's not about five, 10 years ago I should have done this. What matters now? What deserves my energy? Not where did I waste my energy? Not where did I lose energy? What am I saying yes to by saying no right now? Meaning doesn't come from just doing more. It comes from doing things on purpose. Let me leave you with this. You don't need to change everything. You just need to stop living by default because one day you'll look back and the question won't be did I succeed? It will be did I choose my life or did I just react to it? Don't waste your life waiting for clarity. Clarity comes from movement. Choose what matters. Repeat it. Protect it. That's how lives are created and built. As the famous saying goes, the hardest thing is not failing after trying. It's never trying in the first place. Thank you for listening to this episode. I hope you'll pass it on to a friend and remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you will love my interview with Kobe Bryant on how to be strategic and obsessive to find your purpose. Our children have become less imaginative about how to problem solve. Imparencing coaches have become more directive and trying to tell them how to behave versus teaching them how to behave. This is an I-heart podcast. Guaranteed Human.