Don't Get in the car Joe!

What's happening, beautiful people? It's the church of what's happening now. New edition, my man, Kato, Lisa, and your Uncle Joey were back, dipped up my glue, who cares about the snow? It's February 3rd, 2026. What have you done so far this year? What's up, dog bread? I'm good, dude. Everything all right? Oh my god. I'm good. You okay? What's happening in your nose? Oh man, I had a little fucking pimple. I thought you fell. The knee was fucked up. You popped a pimple. I love popping up. No, it wasn't even pop pimple. No, I had like something there. And you just scratch it in the middle of the night and shit, I woke up. I had a little scab on my finger and some fucking blood on the sheet. I had my cat wouldn't talk to me. You know, dude, does your cat, does great just sit and stare at things? I don't know what the fuck this cat's looking. It just sits in the middle of the room and just stares at the wall for hours. Wait till you wake up to pee in the middle of the night and they sit by your door looking in the hallway. And you're like, what are you doing, Gray? She's like, when they're protecting you. I guess they're protecting you at night. That's a fucking weird animal dog. Don't even try to wrap your head around the window. No, I can't. And they see spirits. So they might be out there because that spirit in the house looks. That must be someone on what someone broke. I've never experienced this ever. Our neighbor is doing work and it just smash, just smash, smash. Two seconds later here, like stuff falling. I thought stuff was falling in their apartment. They fucking busted a hole into my closet from the other apartment. I had to go knock on the door where the poor guy was like, what? I was like, look, there's a hole. And they fucking, there's nothing. I'm sorry. And they're gonna cover it up. Oh, they're going to, but it's like cover it up. Jesus Christ. I've never seen a hole in your wall. What's going on here? Just in the closet. Oh, I heard the same thing for me. I got home. I've had that MRI. My knee was on fire. I just went home and put on like fucking something was on HBO. I don't even watch TV. I just sit back in the chair and rub that god, no vacay, none of that cocaine cream. Oh, yeah. It's talking in the middle of this. I, yeah, blah, blah. I'm like, what the fuck? I went. I got like a thing out of the wash and I limped upstairs and I looked all of my house. No windows were broken, nothing, nothing. And all I saw in two minutes later, I heard it again. Like, what the fuck? The snow was nothing. Oh, Jesus. So the globs were coming off the fucking roof in sheets and breaking. I had to break a fucking thing the other day that if I just happened dog, I just happened to look up. Thank God. Because up some days, I say, I want a beautiful day. You look down, your bags are gone. I looked up and by the house, there was a fucking, a sphere. Oh, I love those. It was fucking six inches. How to get the thing you change the light bulbs with and crack it and it fell and the middle was like fucking. If you were to hit me in the head, we wouldn't have been here right now. Jesus. Well, you have something to change light bulbs? Yeah, because we have those light bulbs eye in the ceiling. Can I tell you how much of an or an idiot I am? We have like a light that you have to reach in and get a light bulb. And I was doing it. And I like, I've never seen this kind of light bulb. It was out. So I reached into the other one that was on to like see if I could feel it. We had just turned it on. Have you ever seen men in black when like they burn your fingertips off? I touched a light bulb full like it had been on for like two minutes. I touched it for like three seconds. My, my fucking fingers turned yellow. It was, I didn't, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't. I didn't even burn your juice. No, it didn't burn your skin. It smelled like locks. This, this skin got tough. It's on show. It's. Oh, I can't burn your skin no more. Oh, they shot peptides into that shit. Oh, you were talking about that in Stan Island. I want those things now. I didn't know that was for your dick. Listen, you have to look up peptides for sexual health. I didn't know it. Aaron Berg, the freak that he is. Yeah. It's told me because when I went to waste a while, I was like, Hey, man, I was talking to the AI guy, a little rabbit, whatever the fuck he is, the martian. Yeah. And I asked him, I want to be a sexual savage. And he goes, well, there's a bunch of peptides I can help you. But you gotta get it to stop throwing up. And then do PT 141, whatever. I forgot about it. And I was talking to him. He goes, did you get that PT 141? Holy fuck. So I just went home. I ordered it. And I fucking did it myself. The, every time I do those things, I don't want to have sex. I just want to see how I feel. You know what I'm saying? Wait, it's like a real needle. Yeah. You just ordered it online. It came and you didn't want to have sex? No, hold on. I'm sorry. I'm not going to be excited. I'm sorry. So I don't want my eyeball to pop out. Before I commit, I'm going to try it first. I told Terry it was like a fucking, uh, any, an AD shot. Okay. Shoot me at night. My arms all bruised. And she hit me with that. And the first night, I feel nothing. I'm like, bro, this is a rip off because it's not viagra, viagra and see Alice. And the other shit, open up blood flow. This attacks your central nervous system. You can only do it four times in a month. Can't keep doing it because you're, but if soon you'll be fucked up again. I was going to say, how many times have you done it since you got it? It's all done. So the next night I go, it didn't work. I got a dud. I went back up and they're like, nah, you got to shoot a little more. So again, I didn't want to shoot the dose. That they told me to do. So I shot like half of that. Not to happen. It's not going to do the exercise. Everybody told me it was a party. Pussy flies through the air. I did the exercise. Nothing happened. I think I jerked off and went to bed. It was no big deal. But I get my tolerance as high. So I waited a week and I filled it to like fucking three, whatever the fuck it is. And I had Terry stab me in the arm. What a mistake. Holy shit. Your dick grows. You come. And then it stays hard. But not for fucking 10 minutes. For couple hours like that. I woke up late and the morning my dick was still big and fucking gooey and shit gooey. I wanted to show how to bang it out because it lasts anywhere from 24 to 40 hours. Dude, aren't you supposed to go to the hospital when that happens? Who gives a fuck? I'm gonna tell my shot, PT 141. Yeah. I got a hard on. I won't go down. Line up the nurses. Line up the nurses in the wheelchair. Pop is coming. For 48. God damn it. Yes. You don't know what the time range is. So you go to peptide science and you order a three milligram PT 141. But they'll send you a box of three milligrams, like two shots of that. You prep them. You go online, press in, how to prepare PT 141 injections. It tells you everything. The cotton swab, the fucking alcohol on your arm, the alcohol on the thing before how to put the bottle. Give it a shot. I love peptides guys. I still shoot BPC 157 in here. I started shooting it with the copper. And the copper is really good for your skin and all this shit. But the copper, like if I just shoot PT, whatever the fuck BP 157 and TB 500, okay, it's an easy needle. Like I'll shut one here, here, and here. You're giving yourself needles now? My wife. I love you. But I prep them. I prep everything. I got 2000 fuck and diabetic. I gotta be honest. I kind of want her to be propping it. I don't trust your eyes because I want an extra strong. That's not loud. No. If you want them a little extra strong to give you a little pep and you step. It's not a shot of whiskey, dude. You're fucking a jack. You don't even do nothing to me. Oh my god. I shoot the bat. I just finished up a 12 week prescription. CJ 12.95. Okay. I just love all these letters and numbers. It's all out there. Oh my God. A fucking man. But it's interesting. I'm reading up on them. I'm getting certified. It's a course. I got nothing else going on. Certified to do what? Like not to administer but to talk to people about peptides and learn more about them. Okay. Everything. I have no idea what peptides are. A peptide is a chain of amino acids. Okay. And they do thousands of things to you. Some of them have DA approved. Some of them are not. This fucking PT 141 for you motherfucking people like Mexican products. They're saying a Mexican product. It's FDA approved and it's been around since 1971 or so. Damn. And I just don't tell you guys. I don't tell you nothing. I got a friend that his name, but I kept telling me the knee. Don't tell me again. Go to fucking underground nutrition on root line and get some fucking BPC 157 and their mother shit. Every time I see the guy on my knee, go down there. Guess what? He went down after three months. I told him how to do everything. He called me the damn fact me go talk. I've taken two weeks of shots. He goes it doesn't hurt when I get out of my car normal. Okay. I'm not making this shit up because it helps to tissue. Roll. So if you have knee palms or you're feeling knee palms, I would go right and get BPC 17. Don't take the pill. No, no, no. 'Cause the pill goes to your stomach and gives you, like, gut health, like, oh, and people, like, a probiotic. Okay. You want it in the area. Yeah. Like, any day now, I'm gonna start blasting my shoulder. This one, the gut. Boom, boom. On each side, two, three shots, and each muscle, bop, bop, bop. Did you used to pass out when you had a needle? And that sounds like you could do, like, six or seven a week. It took 55 fucking years, but I did it. [laughs] No, I'm so used to it, like, in the last year, do you know how many needles I got? And I'm gonna tell you what the worst needle you could get, the diabetic needle when they fuck up my fingerprints, when they come in every hour on the hour in the hospital. You know, like those? No, that hurts more than anything. Like, I got more of a chance of fainting from that than fainting from a fucking blood shot. I don't like the dentist one. The Nova cane. That shit hurts. All that shit hurts. Let me tell you something, guys, the shot that nearly killed me was last Tuesday. I don't even know how I made it up here that night. I'm not gonna lie to none of you, I'm not gonna lie to none of you motherfuckers. I told you guys when I was here that they was like taking fluid out of your knee. Hey. There's a part of my knee that you just touch and it feels like your leg wants to go up. You know, you have that little hammer that goes up when you're a kid and you bang it for hours and the don't go up. The doctor comes and bangs it and next thing you're like a fucking, you know, what was that talking about? The worst shot. The worst shot was that nerve thing last week. And what, what did they do? They shot me. First they rub liquid cocaine on it. That does nothing. You know, it's like rubbing the shit for your gums. Right. But, you know, all the other shit that they solved you as kids in the tube. Pricane, something cane, load of cane or something like that. Yeah, load of cane. You can buy this as a fucking CBS. You can buy it. It's on the counter. I mean, we were kids. I used to take coke cut and pour that shit on it and put in the refrigerator and try to freeze it. And I sold like two times. I was like, I busted it. Wait, did you say you just put liquid cocaine on cold cups? No, no, no. I took, cut, cocaine, cut. Oh, okay. And lots of tall. I was like, I think you put it on a fucking slice of hamburgers. And I put it in aluminum foil and I would take that stuff for your toothpaste. I figured this out when I was like 15, like, you know, like I'm a fucking idiot and you would put the thing in. You'd have to have like a gram. Like I did it with a half gram first and a dissolved. You got to have like a gram and a half of cut and you put that shit on it and put in the refrigerator. And the powder comes out kind of cold and people like, man, it's when they taste it. It tastes like coke. It numbs them. Oh, I'm getting nummies. Oh. Jesus. Jesus. He bucks for that. You're getting nummies all night. That's as far as it goes. For the first time I got offered coke this week, like someone pulled it out at a comedy club. Like someone who was at the show, like I was talking about Edibles and after the show, she's pulled like a little blue baggy and I thought like because she was talking about a lot of other drugs. Like she was talking about Molly and this and then I was like, okay, well, I wasn't going to do it. But she was like, she was weird about it. It's like, come here. I want to show you. And it was like a little tiny baggy. Meanwhile, she was talking to me about her kid legs, him and his earlier dude. That's like, it was only the second time I've had to turn it down once in LA and once here. I'm so surprised people have to check on the liquid balls because you do two lines. You get very sensitive. They start rubbing you and you tell it take you take that Jewish hammer out and you put a little coke rock right in the p-hole and let us suck. Yeah, sure. That's exactly like something. I'm going to put it in the people. They take that little tongue and they pop it with the p-hole like it's like George Washington's cannon. They push you. Do you fucking dude? It's so cold. I haven't seen my p-hole in two weeks. Oh my god. Oh my god. You're missing. And then they get all coped up and numb and you sprinkle some on your nut sack and they go fucking. It's their numb. Why would I? Your nut sack gets a little numb, but not as numb as they mouth and they're fucking head. Do you know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. None of that sounds like fun. It's always fun. It's always fun. It's like you get numb, you get itchy and stuff moves real fast, boy, I don't get itchy. You have a previous rash, which you do, you don't say you do a line of coke and brings all the rashes out all of a sudden you start itchy. All of a sudden you start itchy. Let me tell you something, you know, when you walk into my jujitsu thing it says this and I don't want nobody to take it wrong. It says all battles are one and fought, fought in one before they even fight. Think about that. All battles are one with without even throwing a fucking punch sometimes. And that's how I felt sad. Why? Because it took me five years to go back to storytelling. Again, I got confused. I smoked a joint. I thought I was John Mulaney. I'm not a joke writer. I'm the type of guy that takes situation. It could be horrible. Listen, I just saw a guy getting the head with a rock. His head exploded. There's a way of saying it that people like, okay, fuck that dude, you know what I'm saying? So I felt really good about that. It's like, I can't describe it. It took me a long time to wake up and it was the open mic last Thursday at the Dojo. Oh, yeah. Well, last Wednesday. What was that? What was that? Wednesday. I went up there and I had one joke to try. Okay. That's it. No more this bullshit. Let's try it. Let's just stay on one joke and take it from there with eyeballs watching you. Mm-hmm. I like that. With an eyeball. I have to look. Yeah. Yeah. With, you know, whether it was 25 people, that's 50 eyeballs watching you. That's worse than three guns. Okay. You look out and you see three guns pointed at you and rather have 50 eyeballs staring you fucking down like, wait, wait, they're waiting fucking you to make me laugh. So I did that. And in the meantime, I just went into something. Can't even tell you what it was. I forget what it was. I remember. Were you there? Yeah. I remember. And then I remember. The next day I was talking to Becky and she said, yeah, I like what you went with that. And then Mike called me. I'm a dojo. Okay. And he goes, listen, man. He goes, I'm always busy, so I never got a chance to walk in there. He goes, but I walked in there and was watching you. You had me. He goes, it wasn't a lot of laughs. Like, what myself? That fucking just, you had me. Yeah. He goes, have you considered doing that for a show? And I go, yeah. You're getting it for years in LA. I did it for years. I go, so now I got a revision. I was always concerned of, listen, man, people are fucking working at 70 now. 65 is just a fucking number now, you're 70 and you have to get yourself ready for this shit. People are working to that 70. At least, listen, let's be honest, I don't even want to go to the plane to go to fucking Connecticut. Okay. Every once in a while, I got a wall bug in my ass. Well, let's take a flight and take some, but any further than that, I don't want to go. I don't have the cardio for five hours flight now. I would die. I don't know. You have to develop those. You have to do a couple three hour ones, a couple of four hour ones, then you blast off to Los Angeles. You need to have cardio to sit? Yeah, but not good. Just that. Well, you do walk around a long time. Just let's not to sit just that six and a half hours. It's a lot when you haven't done it in a while. Yeah. So, you know, let's be honest to myself. I'll take that fucking book and I'll add chapters to it of what happens as I move here. And I'll go to Count Basie Theatre on Tuesday nights and start doing a fucking workshop. Come on, come on. Ten bucks to get in. I don't even give a fuck if you pay. I'm not looking to make money. I'm not looking to make money for the riders. When you do this, you get a big broad. People come in and then listen, you want to give notes to be my guest because you might not know me or you might not be a rider, but you go, bro, I heard this story before. You got to say this. God damn it. You motherfucka. Isn't that what Ari did with his juice special? Yeah. He did like a Q&A after. You motherfucka. Because you never, one of my, one of my better new jokes is because I was on the road with Josh and after he asked me, like, I had a joke from one point of view. He's like, what about this point of view? And I was like, Oh, shit. I didn't even think about that. So it's good. It's, I'd love to get notes from people. So it's kind of weird that I would, I would do that every two. I'd rather take a long time with it. I'm no rush. Yeah. I'm no rush. This is good for my mind. To keep me occupied, ride it, do it in a Count Basie and get some dates in the city or Broadway, do three or four shows or Broadway and take it from that. Yeah. For fucking club wants to hire me to come in once a month to casino. I'll do it there. I still got the option to do stand up, what I just do with one man show and I'm old enough. I could sell a one man show now. Plus your one man show is going to have elements of stand up in it. You're going to make it funny. Please. Come on. That's the least of my problem. Exactly. That's what I'm saying to you. When I sit there at night and I try to ride a joke, yeah, I have a good time. But you know what? It's better if I tell a story and color it and it becomes personalized. After a while, your comedy has to become personalized. to go over a hump and it takes such a long time because people don't want to talk about themselves, right? It's hard people don't want to say in a third grade, I got fucked in the ass. It's very rough for a person to say that Very rough for a person to say that hey This happened to me, but if you go in there with a twist and learn how to really twist it because when you give them the initial Hey, I got raped in the fourth grade Yeah, exactly. You're gonna fucking you sure is gonna drop like us. We're gonna laugh But other people civilians, they're gonna go on my car audition before they even get to that thought you got to attack that Before you get them there to say like whenever I tell a story about my mother dying, it's over It's over It has to be the closer 35 years of comedy can't get me out of that hole Cannot get you out of that hole. I'm not even gonna tell that story. That's evolved. Fuck uh So it's the fucking truth. I mean That's my next option, but Staten Island that morning. I just felt good Listen some people get their dicks off like going to a big theater here and a big theater there and telling people in a fucking great city Like going oh, no, we're going to the Dallas theater of the arts Listen, I had more fun and Staten Island That I've had in any room in the last 10 years the only room that that that was more fun than that Was Philly when I first used to go to Philly and was a little younger and buckwile Philly was just like that and Listen, I do a residency in Philly don't make me do a residency up in Staten Island Because they're my knuckleheads. I'm a knucklehead man. I know it. I fucking know it. You hear me talking stupidity I'm a fucking knucklehead. Well, after Staten Island a knuckleheads I'm their fearless leader I'm their fearless leader. Yeah, for sure. So it's like you gotta play what somebody will go no I'm gonna do my show in Louisville, Kentucky. He's a your people They're gonna take the ride with you. Yeah, you're gonna say that you rob some and all them are gonna understand what I'm talking about Somebody in Staten Island's uncle rob something at one time. Yeah If you noticed you can even make the left to go down the St. George theater, you can make a right where's the right lead you to? Hot fucking hill that's what forecast a lot of it right up that thing is house your soul for 10 million in Staten Island, Jesus That was all mafia bill up there. They all those bodies of that if you're missing since 1950 you're in Staten Island dog Yeah, you could smell it when you fucking drive over sometimes Yeah, but I don't give a fuck it doesn't fucking matter. No, they were great the people were fucking real man Yeah, they were wild, but they were great wild And what the fuck do you want you want a fucking? Well, it's the barbest rice accounts it They all sit there, and they all look in the expensive clothing. I want that now. I just told you guys I turned the nickel. I've had it I've had it to what anything has become Everything has become a look at me You know, you cannot watch a fucking Nick came without a game aggravated I'd rather watch the Dallas Mavericks at home or fill you at home I grew up in that fucking place every time I don't want to watch a Nick game. It's all about the fucking part That's rich people. They don't give a fuck about the fucking you know, what's celebrity at halftime? They got a fat black chick singing come on guy Come on guy. No, I was I looked to go to that game the the Lakers game. I yesterday whatever day it was come on Minimum lowest take was for something. I'm like, no, thanks. I can't I don't know. I'll stay home It's it's gotten to the point where you know Some people like that shit. I don't fucking want to see that. I want to see regal their fans belong in those seats It's like George was talking about Yankee games that you know all those expensive seats are off-city bank and He have heartening and all that shit and you know when you watch a Yankee game on TV you could tell It's just sitting there Look at me. I'm a VIP bitch show me the old Yankee stadium. We used to step on fucking crackballs in 93 I want the Yankee stadium. I stepped on a crack bar. I'm all the fuck. Okay. Don't fucking tell me and I'd rather step on that crack While then be with these people and be with a bunch of people if you say something they all look at you You suck Get the fuck out of here. You belong at a buffet. You belong at no What's that shit that they talk about that's got a brunch? That's what you belong with your little wine Nobody can insult you a little mimosa The first ten rows of the Yankee stadium should be for bombs I want my team to walk out and intimidate Then I want to look up and not see pretty people. I want to see the worst of the worst from Brooklyn and the Bronx Put a halfway out in there with with Italians and Negroes You know what I'm saying and just stand out in the picture see how much they're fucking with Chicarelli The first we almost no fucking win But you know, it's like I didn't watch the Grammys. I'm now because I can't told you what they were gonna be about I'm gonna tell you what they were gonna be about and here's a funny thing about the Grammys like they've added so much color to it You know Rap music the award and all that stuff you and I both know One of those black guys got out there last night to do with the hat Some black guy that was on the floor dead You know half those white people going these fucking Negroes are ruining the Grammys. I know it Be there. I don't need to be that. That's how that critical thinking is. That's how it works on that like oh my god It was so artistic. No, it wasn't Yeah, no, it wasn't stop it. They were jumping up and down like fucking, you know anyway I'm not gonna say nothing bad. I mean, but It's like what has happened to everything Like fucking everything People are they feel like they have to go or like it's like a look at the status thing to go But like you know, there was none of that in Staten Island like the front row is going crazy at the top was going crazy What have you paid for 28 yesterday? That's a medium range ticket somewhere, you know Now you get front row for four hundred dollars. You're sitting with people that have Nick's gear on that they've had 20 years 20 for they go in there with Colors that you've never seen on it's the when you go to the front row It's people that book gear on the way to the Nick stars the tags on it still got the tag because God forbid some of those people got a return That shirt. Yeah, the mega ends me. That's a truth. Mm-hmm. That's a truth Half those shirts and those hats were picked up on the way in to a next thing they threw it over their clothes And now they're part of the next oh my god. This is so exciting I have to go home and tell people I was in a Nick game Tell me how many points Jalen Rose had Well Jalen, whatever it's fucking yeah, Brunson tell me how many points look at you don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about But I know there's this 12-year-old kid in my neighborhood Oh, that he would have died to be at that game. He would have gave his hand But you you fucking cock sucker With your fucking celebrity bullshit you go in there with your Yankee hat and your Nick shirt You know you make believe you're a fan or whatever and Really at the end of the game you feel empty? I think I'm gonna go to half of these games because I'm not how I'm interested in them. I have no interest in them as a team I like football. I like basketball like baseball. I'm not gonna go see a team I really don't like unless they're playing somebody. I really like and I say five on the ticket That's why you go there. You don't go to Yankee stadium. I mean, yeah, you go to Yankee stadium to watch the Red Sox because the Red Sox and Boston with the Yankees They pretty much rape you. I heard I got you go down to Baltimore to watch the Yankees. Yeah, you can do that Baltimore to watch the Yankees Oh, yeah It's crazy and even like the people are terrible like have you ever seen? Like when they're like the players are throwing the balls to the kids and like an adult will go and grab it from them You see I'm kind of terrible awful person are you? Yeah, Baltimore and I'm not you know, I'm just saying that I go to a Philly game man, and I feel at all I don't got a flex. I don't have to sit in the front make believe I'm a big fan. Yeah High five you're a grown man sit the fuck down high five and like a pussy you haven't done dick You've never shot a boss since the seventh fucking grade and now you hear high five in your fag friend another one who's hiding behind a fucking valedess Will you make a sign? Oh you yeah, I'm gonna make a sign yet. I love to make the fuck out of you Lee I'm gonna go to a bad game I'm going to a net game. I still remember them and that's what given Philadelphia 76 is four and a half points Yeah, cuz I lost a lot of fucking money. It was a 20 a 50 timer, which is $250 if you win two 75 if you lose me your uncle James and Mike run it I'll never feel it was traumatizing. We went to Philly to pick up get paid. We were gonna blend them burn arena Albert King, we were there and we had tickets on the Sixth of Sight and the whole game like I love Julia serving But I wasn't saying nothing nice to him. I was like Doc Wanna have we got your big gums in and I was putting people down and tell this mother Doc Doc He kept looking at me like what are you talking Doc with the fuck for the app? We got a cover We got it Doc. We love you fuck you. You got a cover. Yeah, yeah, I'm throwing fingers I thought it was a creepy lady fucking pie don't gang sing those up like that mother fucker 4 4 4 mother fucker The fuck out of you. I want what a hat that said 4 1/2 fine. I Think they do I bet they do if I were a player now I would like look up see what the line was and if a guy was pissing me off I don't know what the line. This is 19.29 The line is of course and no good say after the game. I know we were big on the dogs yet because you look at the fuck The line right now your coach. I'm gonna tell you that to break your spirit You man your 35 point on the dog. Why are we coming here? Why am I coming here, Joey? We're gonna do it by 35 and a half no All right, we're gonna cover you fuck. Yeah, you know, so it's it's it's great It is I'm gonna do speaking of gambling on sports. Have you put your Super Bowl bets in yet? Dude, I'm fucking sweating like a fucking pig right now Because I've had bed since November on the Patriots to win and now we like I almost wish they had lost earlier Because now I have to sit here every fucking second until the Sunday I don't think they're gonna win which sucks. I think Seattle's a much better team ready put the bed in You know, there's not you could do now. You want to take the small 500? No, they took it away They took the cash out of it. I'll check and see if I can get it again. Give me a little window now now you're done now Oh, I got to pay 500 to get 500 Well, let's listen it's At the end of the It's just a fucking game and it's not like you're not gonna be able to pay rent your car pay. No, I'm fine I'm excited about it. This is like put that bed in it would have all been based on You know my my car is getting paid on the 15th Like all that money. I'm gonna win is paying for my dental my car payment gasoline I want to buy my daughter a little flower at the Cheachy place without a fuck. Dude. I anytime I have any money coming and I spend it 800 ways My god, I this will pay for this and this and this but meanwhile it's like a hundred bucks, and I've spent it 600 times Well, that's the math. I Know I'm gonna go math in your head. You're not getting money going all I'm gonna go buy an eight boy. Why do you stuff? But now I don't you know No, but I supposed to be spending and when you spend you're like I got to bring make that up I just spent this I got to make that shit up quickly. Yeah And it like it's to the taxes time now and You can see what you had at the beginning of the year and now it's a go. God And that shit gets low Yeah, like April you're like all right, it's over now and it breaks your heart to write that check Yes, it really doesn't I live in California. She was showing me that check and I go Are you the fucking serious man? You never worry about taxes to got a payment. Yeah It sucks as you're growing up people talk to you about taxes. I wait on Fuck at these fucking idiots talk. No, it's it's great when you have a regular job You gotta you you might get a refund back. That's the best That's like that you just you can't wait for April 15th. It's all it's all the stuff employed You know the way to April 15th dog you go right to fucking whatever no giving advance. Oh really like 40 bucks No, give me a money. I don't pay my taxes until like the day it's due Not because you're paying right exactly. But if you were getting a check back forget about it You just do a speech you'd be done at H&R block right now What's for dinner, you know what I'm saying? Oh I would love to get a refund But no, uh Saturday night was very interesting for me You fucking were great back. He was great. They tried to rattle. Okay That fucking little Chinese savage said fuck you. I'm not taking it. Yeah, she did tell me I never would have done it again She like you paid for your ticket. So shit so sit down and shut the fuck up. I'm like oh my god She should have just billbird it. Oh yeah, she didn't really know you know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, that was That was a lot of fun. It was it was a great show. I'm gonna tell you what I'm having a really good time And this let's get this out of the way, you know I've been out of this scene Not this scene, but I've been out of where I am You know For 15 years, you know for 12 years I was at this place where I was always doing comedy With people who were better than me. Mm-hmm Or had more credits than I did which never bothered me because I always went for the funny But when I moved here and after being burnt out and I moved here and I was like yeah The last three or four months going to the dojo on Wednesdays has been my therapy Not because of my set, but because you're talking comedy where people were younger than you If I walk into a bar right now any bar Rudy's Osteria social medicine medicine social whatever fuck they call it I woke up to a bar right now. I got a fucking margarita, right? And I turned to a woman and she's obviously gonna be 30 years younger than me Maybe 25, okay, and I'm gonna turn turn go. How's your evening going? And she's gonna go drop dead. Oh, man She's gonna go to pretty good and you just start talking to them After eight or nine minutes people don't look at you They're gonna look at fucking grandpa Talking to the young girl or whatever and you feel a little weird When I'm talking we're back here and the other girl who was there last Wednesday. Mm-hmm Or those guys are in their thirties. I don't feel that way When I talk to a comedian or a comedian or female They could be any age There's really no blockage unless I'm hitting a runner of course And what's that gonna do? That's a small space. You're not gonna go nowhere by hitting on So when you talk to them, it's a lot different than talking to a woman at a bar or at CBS When I bump into you at shopwriter whatever the fuck supermarket wherever you bump into women So it made it a lot easier for me like for a long time. I was struggling since I moved back here There was something missing from my life and it was comedian females You know listen, whatever's going on with time. I love Ali Wong. I came up with Ali I came up with Whitney Cummings Fucking Eliza Sleshinger. I love you know Eleanor. I loved Annie Letterman the two crazies and taxes came condom and Princess Shrek then my heart The fucking the father sentence. Oh Jay the life Rachel Wolfstein. That's my niece. That's almost blood I could talk to those girls like I see him and it's like no big deal They're like so I still had that in my mind But I could be like that with regular women. You can't they don't have that on this family like that No, because comics can say while you can ask Kim Congden about the time the guy grabbed her pussy and she kicked him in the head And she'll laugh about it And if you said that to any a woman at Rudy's they call the cops on you That's true, too, but it's kind of weird that that the problem I was having I was struggling with that and didn't even know it And once I started going to the dojo and Becky and even the waitress At the dojo yeah, she's very there every Wednesday since we what's her name Gianna Gianna Gianna She's been there every Wednesday, so she's part of our little fucking. She don't even get dressed up for us no more You know why no usually girls do up their hair on Wednesdays. She said fuck these Oh no, she's busy beating people up. Yeah, no, no, she pull off She knows that she also the other servers at this at the people. She's great She's and yeah, and she like handles it like she has a few like underlings that sounds bad But she has a few like servers under her But then like she's like she like handles the entire place and she's like shorter than me. I think she's four foot eight Oh, yeah, she's young too. I think her dad is one of the owners or something very sweet. Yeah, very sweet knowledgeable Hands on always ask if you want water or something, but why do you think I feel when I walk in that I see and I'm like what up? You know, you start talking to them. There's no thought of anything else. No, like there's no thought of anything else Why do you think you Missed having because if you're you're around male comics like what's the difference with the female comic? I was around Felicia for a long time Okay, before that was Marilyn Martinez Yeah, he's like the female women are fucking 100% married and here I am in a car with them driving at three in the morning. I'm like What the fuck Again or sometimes I'd be Marilyn and Dave in the car got rest both their souls I'd be in the car. They'd be arguing me and they'd be popping paint pills smoking dope Tell me about the crypts and the bloods in 1978, you know And he never I a bed with Marilyn in Texas one time, she was getting a drug deal is the cartel. So she's like, oh, I'm sleeping with you. I'm like, what am I going to do with a four on a pound woman? And I fucking bed, you know what I'm saying? But it was great. We had a great night. We giggled. That's funny. Nobody thought about dog. I remember being in El Paso. No. What's the other place in Arizona? It's not tempey. Down. Can I do it? Scottsdale? No. Universe. Arizona state isn't tempey. But the universe here, Arizona is in that other place. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. It doesn't. It doesn't really matter. But I still remember that town was a nightmare. Like, we used to do comedy at a place called Bugsies. Albuquerque. Oh, that's in Mexico. No, Mexico. I'm sorry. Was it Albuquerque? Who cares? And us doing comedy at a place on Tuesdays called Bugsies. And it was a drug element. And then they put us at a hotel, the same hotel. And there was a crack hotel at the time. And you know, you went every 90 days because it was a weekly show. But Rudy would put you on a lineup. And every 90 days, every hotel room, you could tell they kicked that in. And then when you go to open the door, the door goes back and stuff. You know, and I'm a being in there one night with a beautiful black girl. I just see it. I forget her name. She had a child. She was divorced. And you know, she just didn't like sleep at this hotel room, bro. She kept calling me all night. Like, what's going on up there? Do you hear that scream? And I'm like, no, I don't hear nothing. No, you didn't. You definitely heard. No, no. You know, I'm on something you're trying to get in bed with her. I'm just a fuck with her. She was very sweet. I think it was me that she's doing the game. She's still doing great. She writes for somebody big, but she called me and she goes, listen, joy. I hope you don't take this wrong. I'll be over there in like three minutes. She came over to all clothes. And she's like, I can't do it. I got to sleep with you in the bed. My husband knows what my boyfriend knows. I'm here with you. And it was like, it was like two newlyweds that didn't have sex. We just talked all night about comedy. That's it. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun going, like just doing shows with other comics. Like it's, I thought the daughter has been great for you. Has any of this made you want to go into the city? Are you still like making the parents of the city this week? There you go. Yeah. It's a surprise attack. That's awesome. You need no gojo this week. So I was like, what am I going to do this week? So I reached out. There's a couple of open mics. There's one in Hoboke and I go do, there's one tonight in my neighborhood. I go do just to do 10 minutes just to stay not even relevant. Just to keep my mind cooking. Yeah. But you might do the city something. Yeah. I might do the city this week. That'd be fun. Yeah. I'm going to show and surprise the whole establishment because they tried to pull me in there with every other person that I would never respond to. This girl, I'll do anything for her. I'll fucking lie to house out of five for her. That's awesome. She's 18. I know a father, you know, so I'll do anything for her. So I saw she has a show on the city. She's asked me before and I'm just going to drop in. Nice. 10 minutes. Get the fuck out of it. Get a hot dog. Get on how I'll meet fucking chicken stick. Let's take a breather real quick to talk about draft kings. We got a soup bowl coming up. We got a big week coming up. We got college basketball. We'll be right back. Give us two minutes. Hey, Uncle Joey here. And am I excited? You know why? Because it's super bowl time. 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Like I left the TV on watching Rocky one and when I came back, Rocky's eight was on, whatever it was. One of them were Mickey. I don't have to get Mickey saying something and I fucking, you know, there's a stupid movie. But Mickey said something to Rocky about not the first one when I have all this knowledge. I need a manager. This is what he said. I'll never forget this. I'm not saying it verbatim because I don't know. I'm just telling you what he's saying. The thing he goes, when you get to a part in your life that you've done something for so long and people around you start dropping, you know, dying and you start losing things in your life. He goes, what's going to bring you back? Is that thing you did for 35 or 40 or your life to share it with people or better yet? Sometimes you meet people who are younger doing what you did for that time. And while you being around them and sharing for them, it keeps you alive. He said to Rocky one time. I get by me coming and being involved with you. This is why I'm alive. Yeah. I know it's not alive because I do jumping jacks because you can do all the jumping jacks in the world. Be dead inside. You have no purpose. You have no purpose. I've been since I've gone to the dojo. I've gotten a purpose. Yeah. You know, one kid always asked me something every week, something that they want to ask somebody. Well, dude, not only are you from their area, which is probably the biggest thing. But and this, the dojo is great. There's a lot of great comics who go there, but they don't usually go to the showcase night or hang around or like are available to talk to. Like for open, like, I still go to open mics for an open mic or just randomly see Joey Diaz at the show there on one day. Like their heads explode on the inside. But it should. What? Yeah, but it should. The biggest comic they're usually seeing is the guy who features, like the feature who got like his first spot from the open mics is like the biggest comics they've ever seen. And then you've been on Netflix. And it's just like, damn, it's, uh, 'cause it's still to me. It's pretty crazy. I don't judge it. First of all, I don't judge it because I've been on Netflix. I can care less about Netflix. You know, yeah, but it's a lot, but you can say that because you've been like, yeah, most of these guys will be lucky to have YouTube special. But if I, but even that, you don't define your comedy career by special. You don't define. I mean, I don't. And I never went into it looking like that. And I can't wait to have 13 specials because I always knew my limits and what I'm good at. them bad at. I don't like to say the same shit every night. I don't like you to tell me what the fuck to say either. You know, if you're on a roll about something, run with a bitch, what that wasn't in the set list. And okay, well, it was a little risky. You know, that was never for me. No, I judge things on what I judge Saturday night. What I judge for a lot is ill. That's why I judge things when it's, you know, like I told Becky, it's not two years of experience or nine years of experience. This is 35 years of experience. Yeah. I should not be making mistakes. This is like the Godfather now. Women and children make mistakes. You don't make mistakes at that center of that. But I learned by talking to you guys. You understand me? I learned, man. I learned because it brings things up again. I hear those kids talking in between themselves. You don't think I'm listening, but I'm listening. And they're talking about the same shit. I was talking about 30 years ago. Man, I can't wait to do this. I can't, you know, the booker won't call me that here. The booker won't call me back. That motherfucker. I painted his house. You know, it's always something. And that's interesting to me because they don't think they're learning. They're learning. I didn't think I was learning someone. I was driving 12 hours to Idaho and dealing with, you know, this. I didn't think I was learning anything. I was learning a lot more than I thought. And I'm listening to them. And I giggle inside. I go, this fucking idiot. That was me. I wish I could explain it to them, but don't never believe me. They just see the finished product. Yeah, they just see the finished product. I'm trying to tell them the life, fucking hold that part of my life, dearly, 1995, 96. That was me, bad bones. That's not Joey Diaz 2.0. That's not Coco 2.0. This is bad bones that you have to drive around, which stuff to put in your radiator to fill the holes because, you know, it's going to blow. At one point, you know, whistle and the water squirting out. I'm ready. You let the thing cool. You fill up a water. You throw on those pills in your locket. And you hear, we'll blow, blow, blow, blow, blow, blow. They'll get you another 200 miles. You know, I wouldn't know that. Right? Right there. I learned something. If I learn anything about comedy, and now cars don't have radiators, correct? So, well, no, I've radiators no more. I have no ideal appointments. I'm sitting there because they think they get beat up. But a little do they know to learn about life. They're learning about bookers. They're learning about how people work. How when people have power over you, they could treat you however you want. And since you're a comic, you'll accept it. They don't know that if I come up to Lee, and he's an open mic, and I go, hey, Lee, get out of here. You suck and Lee comes back and knocks me to fuck out. That leads him to get spots all over the town. Instead of him taking it from me, I've been on Netflix. Okay. I was on the Joe Rogan experience. Well, you know, those guys, I don't give a fuck about Joe Rogan experience on Netflix. I give a fuck about that time that you put in there. Yeah. So what they didn't know that I realized because for years, I was a coward too. How's your county boy? But a booker tells you jumping dance, you jumping dance. Yeah. You want to make it. You want to make it. You know, you want to go from 50 to also 75, bro. I paid 75 hours last time because for years, your friends are asking how much you get paid for that gig, nothing. Yeah. Zero nothing. What are your mook? You're fucking asshole. Didn't your mother raise you bad. And then I don't understand. Nobody understands that racket. And that's the racket of the world becoming now. You're gonna have to audition for your fucking work pretty soon. You know, and that's it. You want your frame frame 10 pictures in two hours. If not, don't bother. You said you're a frame. You said you paint. Yeah. 30 years. I got my own company, paint this motherfucker in two days. Let's see how good you are. And that's very seldom that you do that in life. So this is a different education. This is building your bones up and your balls and your skin. This is building getting you ready for what is lost. I just, oh my god, we love the material if you did the bottle visit. It's so brilliant. And then two weeks later, that joke is so act. And what did you tell me? It was so good for the front of your white buddies with the feather and his hat for right? So all that shit early on that these bookers don't call you back. And you know, the best is when you don't, you won't return your call in the future like shit. And you come to me when I were talking. I'm like, let's I'm doing this gig. All right. I got on like me. What do you mean? You won't book me. You come on with me. And now you walk in there with me and watch that motherfucker's face turn. You want to drill? How do you know? How do you know him? Isn't my buddy? I've been known for 20 fucking years. I'm not going to tell him that he mistreated you. Yeah. I'm not going to tell him that. I'm going to plan like nothing happened. But he knows why I'm here. Yeah. You fucking sack of shit. You fucking sack the shit. Oh, that's like probably like I don't, I'd love to have a special someday when I'm looking forward to is being able to to walk up to the any, that's my dream to be able to not even in a bad way, but just go to any club and be like, I want to do a set. I'm like, okay. It's like when I walked into that field place. And again, oh, yeah, I don't walk on this shit. That's my brother. He'll tell you I don't play on this shit. But you know what, man? Again, I was telling you last week that I owe it to myself that every once or a while, you got to take care of yourself. You know, it's like George right now. Some happens tomorrow and he gets a call that, you know, he has to get a job. And he goes to New York City, the hub of that shit, goes into the village. And he goes and he applies for a job. He's not work for a guy that's never framed before that took heart in college. And this guy's going to give him fucking orders. How long do you take? He could take those orders for four hours because at the end I have to look at you at this point in my life and go, who the fuck are you? Yeah. Like why are you telling me how to do this job? Like when I walked into the old thing, I could tell the wrong images. It's don't work that way. Call away. Let the man air out. Let him take his jacket off. Let him shake his dick in the toilet. Let him wash his hands. Let him take a sip of fucking water. But right there, I know I'm dealing with amateur bill. Joey come this way. We got a cabinet for you. We got this. We'll be back in five minutes. Like that. You ever remember, do you ever get a brand new teacher when you were like in middle school or high school? And there were assholes? Oh yeah. Meanwhile, the six-year-old guy is like awesome. And yeah, because they get nervous. Like they feel like they have to prove that they have control. It's very weird when I walk into a place now, somebody's gonna tell me when I fucking job. I don't even want to stop and talk to you. Like I don't, I just walk my past you because stop, stop, stop. We've been doing this for a long time. We come in as a team now and everybody's got their job. Everybody knows their job. We don't need you there. We don't need the comic that you love in the area that you, we need to put them up. No, we don't. Well, he needs to go up. Well, next time I come, he can go out. I'm going to be next time. Yeah. You start. And it took me five years to grow balls in comedy. Took me five fucking years to tell a motherfucker to suck my dick. And it was that dude that called me and he threatened me. I'll never forget how I felt when he threatened me that day on the phone. And he's like, if you're not down here, you're going to have a big fucking problem, okay? You're going to get never work comedy again. You're never going to work, Texas. You're never going to work on improv. You're never going to do this. You're never going to do that. You'll never work for this comedy chain. And I'm sitting there taking this shit on the phone. And I'm like, you know what? I get what you're saying. I'll be there. It was a two day drive. Two day fucking drive from Seattle to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Oh my god. The fuck he wanted me to go to for 125 hours of show. Obviously, you're not even going to lose money just driving there. Yeah. Forget the plane ticket. The plane ticket to doose. You know, and I never forget waiting there. I was looking Seattle. I said, fuck this motherfucker. He knew like at that time, I was doing comedy six years, but I was one of his best comics. Oh geez. Like I was one of his best comics. Like he was co-headlighting me and shit. Wow. He's like, I already sold you to the people. You have to be there for opening night. And I'm like, and at night, I waited till six o'clock. I had my patient. He pays me like at seven o'clock, Seattle time. Like, you know, question marks. And I called him back and he goes, where are you at? I'm pulling him right now. Where are you pulling into the hotel? You got me. All right, call me when you're there. I'll be there in 10 minutes. 20 minutes. I'll be waiting for you when a rush. I called him 20 minutes later. Where are you at? He goes, I'm from the hotel waiting for you. God damn it. Where are you? I'm gonna see how to Washington, motherfucker. What? I'm gonna see how to Washington, I didn't make the track. As a matter of fact, who the fuck do you think you are? Dreadin' in me. You've never been a comic. You've been booking bands all your fucking life. Are you gonna call the improv and ban me? I know people, I know. He was just throwing names out there. You know what? Do yourself a favor, go fuck yourself. I just hung up on that motherfucker. And I'm like, all right, we're on to something now. You tell the motherfucker to go fuck. And yell for a minute, you're like, man, I just killed myself. I'm never gonna work again. Then three years from now, you're here. Oh, this guy's on real estate now, he fought a laundry mat, and you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me? No, they have this fake intimidation. I'm a San Francisco, I told you, there was an open mic that the guy used to break my heart. You know, you drive up there on, there was an open mic, though, I used to drive, listen. I used to drive from Boulder, from Boulder to Kansas every Sunday. How long have you drive for that? Nine hours. Okay. To do the open mic. Damn. And sometimes he picked you and sometimes he didn't. Nine hours each way or four, half four. Yeah, I can, I can, yeah. You know, there'd be worse than that. He's going to a Yankee game than losing 11 or nothing. And you got a shirt on and you got to drive the subway out the way on where you fucking Yankee shirt and your hat on. Oh, that's the only worse feeling to that. Okay. That you drove nine hours. You rented a hotel room. You know, you can't even afford your rent. You got a bottle on a scrape to get this hotel room for 1995 with real those little towels and people yelling all night long. And shit, you stand there. You're there at 7.30, you're nice to people. Hey, how you doing, son? 10 o'clock. Well, that's our last comic. And there's no, I didn't drive nine hours for nine hours. I never did that. And to Burbank, there was a, and they're called bucket open mics. When they put like your name in a bucket and people just pull your ticket out. There was a comic who got banned from the one in Burbank because he went and they just had like the, the role of like red and blue tickets that they sell for the fair. He just went and bought all of them, put like 80 of his names in and you get creative. They can't handle it. Yeah. You get creative as an open like the best open mic thing I heard was Jamie Foxx. He wrote his name is Jamie Foxx because they thought they were bringing up a girl. That smart. And he hit the whole night. They think they're bringing up a girl. They're always going to bring up a girl because it's not fair because the host will, we're talking about people who take too much fucking pride in their job. Some open my coast are great. There's a lot of open mic hosts who I love and there's a lot of them who when I get it, they pull their friends. It's a buggy. You're supposed to put your hand in and pull it out. And those assholes, they pay, they pull their friends. They see your name. They put you back in and they pick a girl and they feel like they're curating an evening of comedy. It's a cold. It's a cruel world out there. Oh, anything you're in or you out the thing about me is on with you, you're with me and they want to be with us. Fuck yeah. You understand? And they could all suck your dick. So that was a guy in San Francisco that you did the weekend and then Sunday night you went there and stood there like a hooker after the weekend. Yeah, like you did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and then you had Sunday off. This was a triple booker, but he was his partner and what he did was he mixed the triple runs with all of his rooms in northern California. Okay. So you could do like a big run. There was 75 hours a night with no hotel. Damn. I slept on the beach two nights. Took a shower at the diner with a sink with a little hose with hot water. No, and he would just walk by you. And I think I went like every time I went to do that run or different run, the other different run that I'll throw and all that shit. I would always go in there and he would never fucking pick me and then one time on the way from Seattle to Los Angeles on the drive when I was moving, the trailer broke down. We were in. That stuck in San Francisco and I was there all week and I went in there on Sunday night. And he goes, some other guys vouch for you, you been around town all week, I'm going to put you up. But if it wasn't for that, I don't like me, it was I don't like New York City people. That's a weird thing to say. I took the spot. I thanked them and I just, I said, I'll never come back in here again, but I'm going to etch this in my fucking mind. It sure enough. I moved that way. Gilbert, ask about good dear friend of mine, the laugh factory, the owner didn't like me. He goes, I like you, but your style is Las Vegas showroom. This is a showcase club, showcase club. No, no, no, he called me something else where he wanted me to go was to Vegas to come out with a tuxedo, and you know, all that shit. So one owner wanted me to have a tuxedo on the other owner wanting me to be fucking Castro. Right. That's misty. Sure. Yeah. When she got the fucking disease. Oh, okay. I thought that was just a real one. You know, I got into, I didn't get into the laugh factory, but Gilbert, I worked all the Latin rooms and Gilbert ran that room and he goes, you come in here whenever the fuck you want. Yeah. I called and I'll put you up at 920, that was a hotspot. That was a hotspot 920 or 940, 940 Carlos, Pablo Francisco, Willie Barcena, somebody go up and rock that fucking room. So he gave me 920 every week, I'm there about six months on Monday. Your goal at that time was to get a triple hunt ground. Yeah. That'd be great. So you wanted to do the store, the improv and the laugh factory. That was tough in one night and one night. So you had to get the laugh factory and the improv for damn sure and the comedy store you could pop in. So it's a no-brainer. Oh, yeah. If you didn't have the laugh factory, you're like, fuck, I got to go down there now and stand around like an idiot. But Gilbert always took care of me. I think about him a lot. I'm there one Monday night and guess who's there? Johnny San Francisco with three of his little Fat Faggy comics, like Bourbon San Francisco comics at the time. At the time they weren't good. There were those comics that go, you do that some time. Don't let me hear you do that. What do I do? Ah! You say a joke and they'll go, ha, like, hold on. Don't do that. I rather you're not laugh. Yeah. Why are you insulting people? But that's what these San Francisco little white fags keep doing every week. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! What are you doing? The guy's eating the bag of dick. You only know when it sounds like a seal over here. I'm not trying to support people. Don't laugh. But don't go, ha! Ha! Did you hear me? I giggled. Who gives a fuck? I read it in IA. You say shit. I read a bond to death in here, fake laughter. So he walks in there with five of his boys and, you know, and he comes up to me this month. I don't know if you remember me. I know you got 20 minutes tonight. You mind giving me 10 of you minutes? What? Dog. That was the happiest night of my life. Go fuck yourself. Because I said to that motherfucker, he just looked at me like, usually if you were tough, you would go, "You're not talking to me like that." This dude just looked at me and he goes, "Okay, I remember that." He just walked away. He goes, "Don't get a fucking coffee in San Francisco. You fucking faggot. You're gonna come over here to me, fucking." And then his boss was a big dick. He had a boss that was a hundred percent fucking gay. Again, I didn't give a fuck. He had like a girlfriend. But he wanted to suck Joe Rogan's dick and I fucking back that. I'll get three comments to the company and tell you right now, dog, it was bad. So he would pick up Rogan for radio with one seat. Yeah. Oh, I don't have the room for you guys and we're like, "Rogan, don't get in the car." Yeah. Rogan and Rogan would go, "Shut the fuck up, guys." And I would say, "Rogan, don't get in the car. He's gonna suck your dick." In front of the guy. Oh my God. I told Rogan and Ralphie, the guy told Rogan one day, Rogan was too much of a brother to tell us. It was Ralphie who pulled me aside and he goes, "Bro, cobs that dude that runs it, owns it." He pulled me aside one day and he asked me, "Why Joe took you, Aryan, dunkin' on the road, the law of three years will waste the life." Jesus Christ. And he don't know why he took him on the road and I go, "Cause he's jealous, 'cause he wants to suck Joe's dick. But I'm fucking, what's that guy, what's the ugly fat chick that hangs out on my, the side kick? Joe is bringing the ugly side kick. When you have a date with a hot chick, you always get the side kick that I don't want to be here. Yeah. We're about to get my dick sucked from the phone board, cock block. And you get cock blockin'. So I would be like the cock block. Oh my God. And he asked you for ten in your minutes? Not him. Oh, he's on the mic. The open mic guy. That came later. That came like two or three years out, bro, every year we got a San Francisco. And every year there was drama. Every fucking year there was drama. That broke the computers one year. The one year was the San Francisco fire. Yeah. So every time we went to San Francisco, so we got to the point where we just go up there and the guy ate us and that's when Rogan had two bodyguard. He had a date and Eddie would come with us just how the principal can bribe. So that's me, Ari Duncan Joe, and for those fucking dudes, that went everywhere together. We've fit in that green. room and the dick owner would come up first and he'd go, there's menus here. And then he'd leave and we'd get this chicken sticks. Oh, but it was seven gorillas. So we'd get 35 orders of chicken sticks from the club and the club would come up and the guy would come back and go, I can't do that on a right now. You're doing it. You're doing it. With a talent. Why don't we want chicken sticks? Fuck everybody else. And he just ran downstairs. And it was me. They hated me. Rogan would just go, Jesus. Fucking Christ. Show him. You can't do this to these people. I treat these people with respect. Fuck them. I'm on the urn, bro. Fuck them. I can't. I just would love to see this server telling him they want 35 orders of chicken sticks. Oh, we don't crack them. Think about it. It was fucking sake gorillas. We're going to get three audio chicken sticks. We need one piece to a piece. Oh my God. At least, dude, I can't, I can't get over. So I'm going to ask you for your time at the store. No, wherever the last fact, wherever it was. And then ask me for my time at the open mic. I'll fucking show you. And then about six months later, I was at the last factory again. How dare you? And more jiggas walked in with John Fox tonight. I don't give a fuck about John Fox. I like Paul. We're brothers from the comedy store, but John, I don't know about it. I've heard nothing good about him. So Paul goes up and he goes, Hey, man, do you mind if I bring up John and then he'll bring you up and you give him 10 of your minutes and I go and I thought about it for a minute. This is 98. I've been there for about a year. And I thought about it for a minute. And I go, first of all, John Fox snorted his fucking life. John Fox was the first guy Rodney picked up all those years. Anything Rodney did, John Fox did. Everybody else became a star. He didn't, you know why? Because he snorted everything. I go, I don't want that guy around me. I didn't save this to Paul. But I'm like, Paul, that's not happening. I got 20 minutes. I worked really hard to get these fucking 20 minutes. And now you want me to give it to this fucking guy. And Paul's like, bro, if you don't do it, it's not cool. I'm not cool. No, my fucking chances. But I'm not giving you time. My fucking minutes, man. Because you thought so, dude, like if it was like a good, if Eric, for some reason, or like a guy that I knew, my brother gets 10 minutes. Yeah. My brother gets half of what I got. It's like a comic that we know Rich was talking about a different comic that called him up three weeks ago to ask him to put a word on him when it was Rogan. He goes, I'm not putting up work. And then he called me and told me, but I go, let me take what that motherfucker did to me. I had those sold out shows and tempi. Okay. And this motherfucker just walked him one night. Haven't talked to him in two years was never tight with him. When I met him, it was under a bad situation. I got to look him in the eye and go, you better get to it because you're going to get knocked out at the fucking improv. When I first got out there, I'm 98. I was still a little rough on the edges and had a crazy girlfriend. I had gunna up with her. I go to the bathroom when I come back. He's trying to talk to my girlfriend. I go, be there. He goes, who are you? I go, are you fucking kidding me? I just pulled the chair out. Hey, man. Hey, man, what? Hey, man, what? Hey, man, what? All right. And then I love it. I'm doing a fucking sold out weekend. And you know, like tempi has all those golf things. So all these little golf bags go down there. He's one of those golf club bags, comic. And though, just my fuck, I walked into the tempi improv. Hey, then he just came into the agreement. He goes, can I do 15 minutes? And I said, no. Okay. His whole body turned pale. He's like, what do you mean? No. You're not getting 15 minutes. I don't know you. I know you. When was the last time you called me? When's the last time you sent me a birthday card? When was the last time you called me and said, Hey, man, how you doing? I see your blowing up. How you doing, man? You just want to walk in here and for me to give you 15 minutes of my audience that I worked hard to put in there. Not happening. He called 18 of my friends. And all of them were told, doggy, lucky you fucking. He said, no, yeah, because he, you know, these people out of their minds. I'm not giving you time in my minute. Lee walks in. He could take all my time. You think I want to do time? You want to do 45 minutes? Can we take 25 of those? Yeah. I'll pay him. Good. Take it. Golly. I don't want to do all that fucking time. No mom and old man. I get it. Yeah. I don't want to do it. When I come to an open mic, people think I want to do 50 minutes. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that because I was the recipient of that at one time when some jerk off who did a commercial, you know, came in. Listen, yeah, we're going to bump over to do 40 minutes of bad material to take the room from death to post death, like fucking, you know, one of those Mel Gibson movies. Roadhouse, whatever, road warrior, whatever, fucking post-mining post apple apocalyptic or something. Yeah. I'm doing that shit. Oh my god. I mean, while I've had I had a place turn the mic off on me once. The fucking host of the show did like impressions from like 30 years ago. Yeah. It was the worship and like I've had places to be like, listen, at four minutes, you get the light at five, you're already gone too far. If you get to five, 30, we will play you off and you will never perform here again. Meanwhile, like someone with a YouTube credit comes in and they get to run the light, bump everybody. It's cropping crazy. And it's very disrespect. Yeah. There's two things in a disrespect from comedy that I'll judge you right off the back because I know what type of person you and we discuss this a couple of times. I have a dear friend that does this and this is why I don't bring them on my shows when I look in the face and tell you 10 fucking minutes. It's 10 minutes. Yeah. It's eight minutes and you get off at nine and a half, 10. I mean, if you're destroying them, stay. If you're ending on a hippie, hippie note, take your time and pull the plug and get a roast piece challenge and come back and do it tomorrow. Same thing for the feature act because there's a limit. There's a there's a reason why you're doing that. Those times it is a fucking reason. You think that you're going to go up then do 25 minutes in front of the feature and we're going to hire you. You're going to take his job. You just lost the job. That's true. You just lost the job because not only did you tell the feature act, you disrespect them. You disrespect them. Me as that line. That's why I don't like doing late shows because the late show runs late every minute off that clock is put on me. That's one more minute they got another cocktail. That's one moment they could drop another pill. That's going to make it tougher on me. So my show is supposed to start at 10.30 and the show don't start till midnight. They're not going to see me till one. Why am I going up there? I'm walking into a so timing is everything. Yeah. And it is. It shows like when I see someone do it, you think less of them. I mean, I mean, I mean, it is different than but some people do like 11 minutes, seven minutes. The light's on. I'm over here. I'm throwing heat over here. I don't want to get a lot of explosion in the room and I'm going lost on the glance. I see the lights blue. All right, thank you very much. That's my wow. The fucking comedy store original band. Yeah. Great. But if I'm running, if I get that response and then I'm running and now I went from getting a will be my this. Oh, yeah. That always happens because that time, why are you doing you know this? Even if you don't run the light, just trying to fit one last joke in from what's going on. It always fucking bombs. What's going on around right now? Shut the fuck up. They want to stay. They don't want to know about it right now. That's what they've been watching on the TV all fucking day. You know, so and I learned this in Seattle, but I learned dignity here in Hudson County to give you 10. Do nine and get the fuck out of it. Yeah. You stick around to 18, 20. People going to go, Hey, that was a good set, but two and a half people in the room. We all fuck you. You booked. You're done. I'm not going to have you here. I'm working on time. And it make it because I don't know. I I bet you know, but sometimes I'll be up there and they won't give me the light yet or a couple of times I've missed it. If you do 10 minutes, five times a week, you know what 10 minutes is around nine minutes. I should be getting off around now. If they don't give you the light until even up there, like 11, I'll notice I'm like someone should have given me the light by now. And here I am. I actually believe it's like anything else. You're gonna stop fucking a check. You're in there. You go for the air now. This shit's moving. The birds. The cats looking at the door. You fucking rock. You're not gonna, you're not just gonna stop. Okay. Sometimes you're having too good of a time. And that's when this happens. When you're having a great time and all some boom there laughing. You're laughing. The fucking guy in the piano is laughing. Everybody's laughing. And you look up and see the lights on. Not that it's blinking. It's just on. Right. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Yeah. Wrap it up. There's nothing else you're going to add today. that fucking joke. And you showed that you respected the guy in front of you because the only reason that I would try to help with you is if I'm trying to take your job with somebody's job in this room and you ain't taking nobody's job, you lost the job. Most people have the job to lose it. Like when I'm going to audition, my agent always goes, it's your job until you lose it. - Nah, yeah. That's a joyous until you lose it. Until you fuck it up, until you fuck it up. And that's it, that's it. He came to my club, he did five shows, he killed every show, but he ran the white all five fucking shows. A knucklehead will go, "Yeah, but I killed." Now what he's talking about, you missed the whole fucking thing. A second Bruce Lee smacks a Chinese kid and says, "By you looking, you missed the beauty of the moon and the stars. It's every day we do this shit." - Yeah, and there's plenty of people who can get the same response, especially as an opener. As an opener, you're super replaceable. Because I got a replacement for 25 bucks tomorrow night. Tonight, I really want a snorkel. I can find somebody for 10 bucks to go there. - For free. - And a dinner and two drinks. That's the problem, we discussed last week why there's no comedian union. - Yeah. - Okay. - That is a problem, but it's also, it's really cool. Like making those slow steps and that club, and that's why we're horrors. 'Cause a little bit they're being nice sometimes. Like those local clubs when they hire you for the first time in your first hosting weekend, you're fucking pumped, you do the dry cleaning, and you're so happy. - What people don't realize is the first time I hire you, for $150 for the three shows. What people don't think of the host, he's going to fucking star search. - Yeah. - This is big, if I go to a host, comic, I'm like, hey man, I got a weekend for you. The guy's like, come on. Yeah, five shows, I'm gonna go to San Antonio. Yeah, come on, and I look at you and go listen. I got a sister who's got the perfect ass and is dying to put it in your face and then fall a red bean rice and fart in your face. He'll go, that's never gonna cover. I'm going, because to him, those five shows and that's the square garden. What guy like me? - Yeah. - You follow me where you have to cut your toenails. You're from the bottom up. You got you even drank a fucking poison to kill everything in your happy bacteria. You got to be beautiful from the way up, you know? - You had the green room two hours early? - Yeah, you were in that two hours early. - That used to be me. - You could be starving. The guy's like, you want anything to eat? - Never. - Robby told me I got to raise the bill. - I'm not going to sit down. - I'm not even going to sit down. - The chair is free, you know? This is big for you, the first five of them. Until somebody goes here, take that bucket, go clean the puke and the back and you're like, okay, where was that in my fucking comedy repertoire? And then you see what they see you for. And then you eat a quit or your goal is to become better than these people. I'm going to come back to this club and tell you, look in the eye. And for everybody, it's staff and tell you to suck my dick. And you'll have to take it. 'Cause I sold out six shows. - Whatever. - Yeah. - Because I became better than you. You kicked me when I was down. When I was an MC, you kicked me. You know, it's like you start in Jersey. You're a big time Jersey guy. You're an advocate for Jersey. But for some reason, the stress factor we just won't lie. Yeah, you went there once, you did the MC. And the guy didn't like you. And brother, that happens everywhere. Maybe his head was somewhere else. He didn't watch the shows. A waitress said you didn't tip right. He didn't even see you. But he'll go, no, I didn't like him. And then you move, you develop in New York, you stay away from that club. And seven, eight years later, you moved to LA and five or six years later, you're somebody. You're not a star, but you're on comedy central. You got your first half hour. You got two co-stars on the show, you know? Now they have to look at you weird. You call that guy back. And that guy's gonna tell you, no? Last time he was here, and this is your home club. This is the club that you fucking started at. This is it. What do you mean, no? No, not really. And then you wait and now like the stress factory, I'm just, the stress factory is a great club. But now they find the alternatives. The dojo, the Vinnie's and, you know, you sold out three shows on Kuveniz. All right, it's a buck 40. You sold out four shows on Kuveniz. You sold out five shows on Kuveniz. You sold six shows on Kuveniz. That man awaits you. He's gonna call you. - Hey, hey. - We say it, long fucking time. Oh my God, I watched the podcast last week. You were so high and so funny. My God, I love you've been doing the podcast, Lee. And all of a sudden, you're like, and you just sit there. And they'll just, bro, it's like something from years, this guy hates you. Well, no, there's people who don't like you, never really seen you. And I don't really wanna watch a tape. And then there's people who have a floor with you. You fucked a comics girlfriend when you were an open micer. They heard about it, it was their friend, you know, and now they hate you. I don't care how much hate there is. You saw a lot of six shows at the competing club. They will have you on that phone. And blow and smoke up your head. It's that, it's that. And then, they'll try to short you on money. The first time. Oh yeah, it's your first time, man. I can, but we're not gonna go over this process again. Because the next move I make is at the state theater. And then, I'm not gonna solve the first time, but the second time in two years, I'm gonna sell it out. And then, people gonna start questioning you. All right. And saying, why didn't you bring a kid, not from Long Island, not from New York, not from Brooklyn, Queen to Staten Island? You didn't give a guy from Jersey, a home break. And once, yeah, that's for these all the things that, this is the revenge factor of standup comedy, where I don't want to become a star, to be a star. I want to become a star, to prove all these dickheads rule. And I'm not gonna rub it in their face at all. I'm gonna be a gentleman and let them call me. And then, ask Lee, every club I went to, everybody gave me a gift. After not seeing me, because I came from with Rogan, and I was too dirty in the beginning. And they didn't want me back with Rogan or something. Rogan only took, Rogan would tell club owners, if Diaz isn't coming, you won't see me at your fucking club. Fucking hilarious. He did that to the comedy magic club, come down for years, shut them down for years. Diaz can't go, and he never said none to me. I found out years later. I bumped into that same dude that didn't like me. Hey, man, I see you're doing things at your career. Later, you should have planned ahead, motherfucker, because to set you didn't like me for, I ripped that room apart. They used to magicians down there, and you know, why that, because they're an old audience, because Jay Leno goes in there. So they even want dirty comics to go in there. But I went in there, and I didn't read the memo. I didn't get it's posted. There is a sign that there's a professional club. Later, good for you. And I was a feature act then. One movie I had The Longest Shard, 2004, 5, 6, 7, 8. It was around that time period, where I was like, I've already done a movie with Harold Raimus, and he told me about this, telling people what to say and do shit. And I did The Longest Shard, and I was a regular at the store. And I'm talking about following Paul Mooney. So what are you gonna throw at me? So I could talk from strength. I wasn't talking from weakness, and trying to be somebody I wasn't. I was talking from strength here, you know. Yeah, I think that's the difference of being here, 'cause all I want you to do is sell tickets. So one you can finally do that. That's it. Don't think it's nothing else. Don't think you're doing something. You, we believe that, oh my God. I'm selling tickets. I'm doing some 1,000 people I've done it before you, and tentatively, they're gonna do it after you. But as long as you know that, when you're doing stand-up and you're killing at these clubs, and you're burying guys at the selling tickets, and they're like, I can't follow leads to sporadic or you think lead could go later, 'cause I have to go to a wedding. I have to do my spot. You knew you were in a little wedding. Now you want to bump for a leak 'cause you don't want to follow. And now that's how you start getting your power. Now those comics that do the thing, you start torching them. Every time you see them, you don't have a wedding tonight. (laughing) Your kids sick, what is it tonight? Because then after you get off stage, after they get off stage, and you do your spot, when you finish your spot, gets you at the bar. That same comic that had to leave, because this kid was sick, or we had to go home for a audition for a movie, and that's when you notice a fucking weakness. And now you can just bank off. You can break them when you see them. Before they go up, well, you're not gonna leave. The doctor, your wife ain't calling from the hospital, and that's it, and then they start to hate you because you got there. You piss on their friends every time he's here because they tried to piss on yours. Do your spot. Do your fucking spot, you know? This is an education. And those buried years where you feel like, that's it. That shit happens. Yeah. Were you fucking really going home some nights, you know, like, I guess I'm not to call George and be an apprentice and he's going to teach me, he can't pay me. I get blocked. This is how serious you get. Then you get up the next morning, you have some eggs. And I'm also you're like, you know what? I'm going to give it one more day. But it doesn't happen. I'm done. You know, that's the thing is getting up every day. You know, I used to get so depressed. I never told people this shit. I used to get so depressed in LA. When I got to LA, what do you think? I was fucking, oh, they hated me. Like they hate you anywhere, you know, you're the new kid on the block. They're going to make comments about your sad, how you dressed. They're going to be watching you. You know, nobody's letting you rise. You're only getting seven minutes, you know? So I started going to the commie store the daytime. I would go to the commie store about one o'clock to do what? To do what? I would sit in the original. And ask myself how quiet could it get in here? I'd be in there by myself. There'd be nobody in there. The Mexican kid, the maintenance guy would be in the hallway. But he didn't even know I was in there. I did this three, four times a week. If I was home, I would eat lunch and then drive myself to the commie store, sneaking the back door and going to the original room. I never wanted to the main room by myself because I was scared of what of the ghost. Okay. Okay. I'm not going to lie nobody here. But I sat in the original room and a couple of times I drove myself to tears. And a couple of times I thought I was retarded. A couple of times I thought I had to seek help for cocaine. And then one day I woke up and I read some about Denzel Washington that every day the first thing he does is not meditate or drink coffee. He tries to put himself through every emotion every day. So he pushes himself to tears. And I would be like when I go to church, whenever I go to church and they start passing the fucking cookies out and shit, I get emotional because I grew up in this. I grew up when they used to pass the cookie and the nun would hit you and you had the clapper. They had the clapper that got up and sit down and kneel. But I would sit there and it was like a church for me at the time. At that time I was going to church and I would sit there and not say see myself. But I would sit there and focus on how quiet it was. And dream about when I could make this room explode. Yeah. That's a true thing I did. I did that for two fucking years, maybe three years, 97, maybe 2003. If I had nothing to do in the afternoon, I wouldn't take a notebook in there. I wouldn't do any of that. I just sit in the original room, look out onto sunset. Okay. And see those three chairs. But I would just look at the stage and listen. Just focus on listening. I'm going, Jesus Christ. If I'm ever in stage and it's just quiet, shoot myself. I'm going to jump and go to the roof and shoot myself. But I dream about the day and sometimes I would even like look at a watch or something and I would time with 18 minutes felt like and I would just dream about when that room would explode for me. And some days you cried because you're like, well, my kid, it's never going to happen. You know, this is never going to happen. But it did. It worked for me. I would just sit there in the afternoons. Maybe two hours. Sometimes I get high. Sometimes I go in there and just feel sorry for myself. And then by the end I go, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm going to come here tonight at my do my 1245 spot and destroy these four people, you know? Yeah. But one day I went in there. I was driving down there and it was right after the holidays probably January 8th and thrown there. It's like a Wednesday. I'm driving down Sunson. I'm going to the store and hang out because the soda gun was always you could always get a soda and that's why you went to the store. Yeah. I got a big glass of soda. And I'm pulling in. There's a bunch of cars back there. I'm like, fuck. When I recognize the piano player, the gay Jeff. Jeff's car was there. If I sit in the car, I don't know what to expect. And I walked in the front door. I'm walking in the back door. I'm right in the original room. I hear the Jeff piano. And I hear a voice that I recognize but singing. And I walk up to the bridge. I didn't even go to get my free soda. I walked up the original room stairs. And on stage, that one of the FM was Andrew Dice Clay and a bunch of record people, executive people, but basically old Jews hysterical. Like they had to be 13-old, old Jews in the room that had dust on them. You know, those type. They're all with a big frostbite jacket and the thick delirium and casino glasses. And Dice was singing. And Dice was on the stage. And then we were singing. So it was soda. It was a Bolero song. And it was like, and Dice would come up and he'd go and then the music would stop. And they'd pick up again and Dice would go, the contents of my balls is on your face. No. And the whole audience would go, why was he doing this in the middle of the day? He was trying to pitch an album to him. No, the pitch. He was doing the old Jews dog. I sat there for 40 minutes crying from the reaction of the dusty Jews. Because they brought their wives a thumb or secretaries. And those women were petrified. Yeah. Oh my god. Dice is up there. The contents of my balls is on your tits. And he would break it down for 10 minutes of the content of his balls and white bag, white bag. When he used to say that shit, I don't know what that means. And I'm sitting there, fucking in the back just howling. And I was like, look at this motherfucker. How one in the afternoon doing something that's completely different than I think he would do. He was singing and Jeff Scott. And it was one of those bolero music. And then it would stop. And that's when Dice would come in. The contents of my balls is on your face. And bro, it was I don't think they made the album. No, I don't think so. Oh my god. I think it's. I'm back water with Peter lemon jealous. Great as this. Oh my god. All right. So where you at this week, donkey man? This week, I'm at the comedy shop three or four times. Please come on out to that. And I think that's yeah. And then that's it for this week. Just a comedy show. I got nothing till February 28, the Roast of New Jersey. Then March 5th were in Tampa, Florida. It's a hard rock at bay. And March 16th, hard rock casino. And then the 16th were up in Connecticut at Foxwood at Foxwood. So that's when we got left April 18th. We're at fucking Nashville comedy festival. Lee's coming. So come on out and see us. Besides that, that's it. It's a beautiful week to be alive. Tomorrow's my daughter's 36 birthday. Happy birthday. If you watch the podcast, I don't think she does. And we're here with queer Jack. We'll be back next week. Same bad time. Same bad channel. Say good night, Lee. Good night, Lee. See you. Stay black. (upbeat music)