don't forget yourself

[sizzling] I know you guys are probably really surprised right now. Wow, a new episode so soon after your last one. You guys are like used to me basically posting once a couple of months, but perhaps I'm turning over newly, who knows? I hope that you've all been doing well since we last spoke, which wasn't that long ago. I am incredibly, incredibly grateful for everyone's messages as usual. I know I basically say this like every single time, but I truly cannot be more thankful for the incredibly thoughtful messages that you guys continue to send me, whether it be that you relate to an episode or that you feel like this is a safe space. It makes me so happy to know that the type of content that I'm cultivating has been helping you because that's super healing for me too. To be honest, I haven't been doing too well these past couple of days and not to be like a selfish, but I think that's another reason why I wanted to upload a new episode to know that you guys are always here to listen. This has become my safe space too, and I'm really happy to know that you guys all feel the same way towards it. It's kind of like a huge sleepover where we just talk about like our feelings and emotions all the time, or it's me that's talking about like my feelings and emotions, basically an uncertified super amateurish group therapy. I should also stop listening to Taylor's 10-minute version of all too well because the night that came out, I listened to it and a bitch was like sobbing, sobbing for some situation that lasted like two months, but honestly maybe I'll just dedicate a whole episode about it one day because Taylor is really just inspiring me to just arrow my dirty laundry to the internet. In nothing wrong with that, they did you dirty, you know? Anyways, it's been a while since I actually cried myself just late. It happened last night, and it was kind of funny because I basically popped melatonin after my crying spell thinking it would knock me out because I honestly did not want to think anymore. I was like, okay, after I cry, I hope I black out so I don't have to be aware of my tear drenched pillow. Jokes on me because I didn't know it took like 20 minutes to like two hours for that shit to kick in, so I was kind of like casing in and out of sleep for a bit before I fell asleep and just had like a terrible, terrible dream. Just my luck because I thought it would be more cathartic when I woke up the next day since I cried so much the night before, but honestly I felt just as crappy because I couldn't stop thinking about the dream. I don't really mind admitting all of this to you guys because we've already established the level of authenticity and I already feel like I put on a facade to be a lot happier around everyone else, so it's nice. I can kind of let that wall down in this podcast even if it's just for 20 minutes or however long this podcast is. I feel like this is my version of therapy, or at least it's like a very, is it a healthy way to kind of like deal with my emotions? I don't know, but it's funny that I bring this up right now because I remember how the last time I had a crying episode it was because I felt so exhausted from always having to be there for everyone else and always being the most positive person in whatever situation that I'm in. Like it made me think about how drained I always feel at the end of it and how I always push aside how I feel because I'm sort of used to experiencing that, but in a way it's terrible because it makes it so much harder for me to talk about my feelings. It's weird to think that a couple years ago I was happy and almost like oblivious to the fact that I didn't mind kind of being that token friend that try to make sure everyone else is doing okay, even if it meant at my own expense and I think that's kind of what happens when you grow up surrounded by people that are way more expressive and way more like vocal than you are, and it's like someone has to be the one that's listening to all of that, right? Like it's really difficult to be in a situation, friendship relationship, whatever it is when both individuals kind of always want to be the one talking about how they like feel, or they're just like way louder in the room, not to say that there aren't like friendships that do work out where both people are very, very expressive and vocal because that's like a pretty healthy kind of situation, but I think personally for me I've just never experienced that kind of like dynamic before and it's been pretty ingrained in just how I am, I guess at this point, like for example, you know, if everyone was having a crappy day from exams, studying, or whatever, I would have to make sure that I was one that ensured that everyone kind of saw the positives of the situation, making sure that everyone is doing okay, even if it meant like suppressing how I felt as well, like I will literally do anything that I can to make sure you're having a good time because that is all I care about, but I think being more comfortable with who I am and knowing it's okay to not always be the most positive person that everyone sees you as has made me sort of realize like, oh, maybe this is why I don't get along with the people that I used to get along with and it's kind of weird because I feel like I'm in this stage of life where I'm realizing the friendships and relationships that really fulfill me and the ones that don't and it's okay to kind of cut ties because the longevity of a relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be as fulfilling as you think it will be, you know, time doesn't really mean anything, it's always about the quality, but I think I also just have an issue with fully letting people know how I feel, especially if they're negative ones because I just hate bringing down the mood or making anyone uncomfortable, I'm pretty sure it's kind of like this people pleasing mentality that I've just kind of grown up with seeing that I've pretty much been raised in an environment like that and it's weird because you say stuff like, oh, I'll never be like my parents, but of course you will pick up on things subconsciously whether you like it or not your environment molds you into the person that you are and it's hard to unlearn that it's possible of course, but it's super hard because most people aren't even aware of certain things that they've picked up from those around them. Self-awareness is not as common as you think it is, I think growing up in an Asian family where appearances everything and things such as mental health are completely disregarded, it's kind of just hard to unlearn all that as you get older even if you are aware like where a lot of it comes from, I actually talked about this with my friend shout out to her Jess if she's listening by chance because I love her with my whole ass being and I've truly never met another person in my entire life that's as selfless as her. We both kind of have that mentality where we'll bend over backwards for the people that we love even if it means it's at our own detriment. Her's is a lot worse in mine, I'm sorry to like expose her so to see something being reflected back at me so clearly made me realize something along the years. We've both been trying to work on our boundaries and to not let that feeling of oh if I say no to something I am going to feel guilty about it. I think the worst thing about having that people pleasing mentality is that even when you have the single moment of thinking about yourself and what you want it quickly becomes clouded and kind of overpowered by these thoughts of like oh but how will the other person feel? I don't want to make them feel bad I can't do this to them because I know how it personally feels and once again you're not thinking about yourself again. I think it becomes even worse when you do all this for someone else and you realize that they can't possibly return the same level of effort and thought that you would do for them in a heartbeat. To be honest I can't even blame them because it's good that they have priorities and healthy boundaries. You don't give out love to receive love that's not genuine love. You don't do these things for something in return. You do it because you love them. So does that mean you shouldn't be heard that the same level of energy isn't returned? No. Of course not. You're most definitely allowed to feel hurt, sad, whatever it may be. You're only human at the end of the day. No one is a full saint and that's okay. You're allowed to feel the full range of emotions that you've been given and you should embrace that. And yes, it fucking sucks to realize that you may not always receive that type of love back especially if you're the type of person to love others deeply and greatly. But if you're like this, I do want to let you know that I see you. I see the type of selfless love that you give out and I want to remind you to pour that same level of dedication and effort back into yourself because you know who deserves it, the most at the end of the day. do. There's this one tweets that I saw from the Twitter user, Ash aka ii ii. So that's four eyes. And I'm just going to quote it word by word, the healer also needs healing. The planner also needs surprises. The giver also needs to receive. The thoughtful also needs to be thought of. The consider also needs to be considered. I know it can't be the only one that does this. But sometimes when I'm having those really rare moments of when I do want to let everyone know that I'm like upset or just having a terrible time. I'll rant for a little bit. But even during those moments, I feel like this internal timer where it's like, oh, I can't talk about this for too long because I don't want to trauma dump. So I'll always wrap it up by saying like, oh, it's fine. Like everything's okay. Like I've had my kind of little moment. But obviously like it's not fine. But I would never want to be one of those people that dump everything onto another person because I know how exhausting and draining that can be. Other people may not always have the capacity to help you deal with your issues, especially if they have their own just because they're your friend or your partner. It doesn't mean that they have an obligation to listen to anything that might be bothering you. Like, yes, it's part of like one of the many beautiful perks that comes with having a lovely friendship, but don't ever feel like anyone is ever obligated to give you their time, affection, and just anything along those lines. But I think I've just grown up in an environment where I've been taught to kind of stay small and in the background. So it's hard for me to receive praise to the point where it's almost kind of embarrassing for me to be honest. But that might just be my imposter syndrome talking. I don't really know. But I remember I had an issue a couple days ago and I was telling my friends about the whole situation, something that happened like a while ago and I felt really crappy about it. They were like, it's okay to feel like this. And it's almost kind of ridiculous that a reminder is simple. Is that maybe kind of pause for a second and think, wait, you're right. I don't know why I thought I had to kind of be perfect all the time and not just in terms of like external stuff, but even just the way that I feel. I felt like I always just had to exhibit non-toxic kind of emotions and be as loving and supportive and just everything to the people around me. But of course, like, it's okay to kind of experience other emotions. And I think because I have the kind of platform that I do and because I have the sort of brand that I do, people just assume that I am always like in this really healthy mindset, especially when it comes to like my feelings and the way that I am. But that is definitely not the case at all. And it's really funny because when they reminded me of that, like literally almost cried in the middle of the freaking like, she shall lounge. Can you believe it? Well, let's not get into that. Anything and everything be making me cry these days. So it's not anything unusual. But I do want this to be a reminder that sometimes when other people can't give you what you need, you're most definitely allowed to give it to yourself. And honestly, it's kind of weird that I'm saying all this because in a way, I feel like I'm telling myself this as well. Like, I think it's because it's the type of stuff that I wish someone would tell me. So it's oddly healing for me to say all this out loud. This is for everyone and anyone that feels like they're giving out pieces of themselves with no one realizing how hard it is to do that constantly. This is for the people that don't always have someone to check in on them. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to start realizing how you manage your boundaries and things that make you uncomfortable, but you continue to do them because of the people around you because you love them. I want you to think on it. If you can, if you have the space for it, the mental capacity, journal about it, if you'd like, if you have a journal, talk about it with someone that cares if you're comfortable enough and just anything along those lines. I think that's why I'm always so grateful that you guys are here to listen and hopefully you aren't annoyed that I sometimes sound like a broken record with this type of stuff, but I think it's just really great that it doesn't always feel like I'm shouting in the void because not everyone is as lucky to have a platform as I do, and it's weird because I remember the other day I was talking to my friend about something and I was just thinking him at the end of it for listening to me and he got so confused at the fact that I was even saying thank you in the first place like this was some sort of transaction or something and it wasn't the norm. Like this is what friends do why are you thinking me? And I was like, you know, I don't know, I just want to express how grateful I am because this is just what I do with all my other friends and I think it's just something that I have inherently started doing because the older you get, the more you realize that unconditional support and love isn't as easy to come by as you think, so I absolutely have to make it a point to let people know how much I appreciate them and if you don't do that with your friends, you know, you should start doing that today because I guarantee you they will most definitely be grateful for it. That has been what's been going on and as always my co-fi and socials will be linked for anyone that may be interested to see what I'm up to outside of this podcast. I'm always posting on my IG story and making reels if you're interested in some visual content for me. Always always grateful for you guys. Like I've said throughout the entirety of this podcast, I hope you have a lovely evening, day or night. Bye.