Do we regret revealing our relationship?

- Well, I want it to look fresh today, but I didn't get any sleep last night. Middle of the night, Dan has an issue, which I've not been able to speak about before. - You're not making this sound better. - I was there, and I'm terrified for where this is going. - I'm fast asleep. What do I hear next to me? There's a man in the room. There's a man in the room. Not just that. Dan then kneels on the bed. He goes, "There's a man in the room." - I had a nightmare, okay? - There's a man in the room. - And this has not happened to me a lot before, but I struggled to wake up, and I thought there was a home invasion happening, but I understand that from Phil's perspective, someone just screaming at 4 a.m. There's a man in the room. - It was terrifying. - It was the most terrifying (beep) you've ever heard in your life. - I literally thought we were gonna die, and this is like-- - Well, in the dream, I thought that we were being burgled. - It's like the fourth time you've done it. - But then Phil says that I quite nonchalantly went, "Oh, oh, yeah, okay." I was like, "No, Jesus Christ, you just like terrified me." - I went, "Oh, it's a dream, never mind." And then I just went back to sleep. - And I'm lying in bed like-- - Phil is having a fight or fly life or death response. So if you're wondering, "Wow, Phil looks rough in the first episode of this." My bad. - That's why. Could it not have been a sexy man? Why is it a scary man? - We didn't establish how hot the dream burglar was. - Is it a hot burglar? (upbeat music) - Hi. - Hi. - It's happening. - We are Dan and Phil. - I'm Phil. - And welcome to-- - Hard launch. - The podcast. - Like I said, I'm Phil. It's just if anyone's listening to it as a podcast, you might wanna like get used to it. - Hi, I'm Dan. I have a wonderful, sounding, relaxing voice. - Yes, and if you're watching on video, hello as well to people on YouTube. Do I have a ghost penis right now? Like, it's a bit of a-- - What on earth? - All right, so this is a podcast. It goes out on YouTube every Monday and wherever you get your podcasts to listen to and to the poor people listening on Spotify, they just had to hear the sentence, "Do I have a ghost penis?" - To clarify, when you wear jeans, especially these ones, it creates the illusion that you have a crotch mound. I'm not excited about the podcast. - Phil's established he's not that excited about the podcast. Wardrobe, malfunction corrected. - I think so. I am excited. - And we're in. - I'm just not aroused by the podcast yet. - Well, I hope you're enjoying, guys, 'cause people said, "Hey, Dan and Phil, "in this new authentic era, "after you've finally revealed the truth about your lives, "we're ready for whatever this free era of conversation is." - And this is very free. I don't want to take it back. - They do. We're cozy. - Would you say it's cozy? - We've got inflatable chairs. - We need to talk about these chairs. - I'd say these are good, but also a little bit squeaky, so we're not farting. - Yeah, also, Phil decided it would be really fun to buy inflatable chairs and not ask me, so one day I just collected the mail and I was like, "What the hell is this?" Oh, it's an inflatable armchair. Phil decided to spend our money on it for the podcast. I asked questions like, "What, why?" - I'm just gonna spend the money. - Isn't this squeaky? - It's squeaky and also Dan has a lot of spiky objects. - Yeah. - You're a bit edgy. - An inflatable chair is not compatible with my wardrobe. - No. - But just for the people that are listening right now, super ASMR. - Oh, here we go. - Can use some wiggles. - How's that? - Also a bit of peril. Who's gonna deflate first? - It could pop at any moment. Don't you just love a bit of dramatic tension? - She's just a little bit of drama. - At any moment, we could deflate and fall on the floor. - Yeah. Do you think people with an inflation fetish would enjoy these? - Let's not keep that going any further. - Okay, we've got drinks. I got a fun drink and Dan got water. - What is that? We're doing a podcast. I'm staying hydrated. So I've got a glass of water and what in the purple hell is that? - It's guava and dragon fruit. - Is that a slur? - No. - You're a dragon fruit, I think. - Did they say that dragon fruit is the fruit that makes you sh*t yourself? - Great. Wow. What a day to have a transparent chair and a microphone attached. - Wait, let me try it. Oh, it's actually disgusting. Do you want to try this? - I'm regretting it. - Oh, it's actually disgusting. Do you want to try it? No. - Sip it like a horse. - Yeah. - Put your nose in the trough. - You can lead a horse to guava and pineapple juice. Dragon fruit. - Dragon fruit. - But will it sh*t itself on the podcast? Let's find out. - Horse fruit. - Oh, that's not right. - It's foul. That tastes stale. - It's been pre-drunk. - It tastes, it's been regurgitated like a mother bird. - It's a bit pissy. - Also for the first time, we've got people helping us in the room. - Oh, yes. In case you thought that Dan and Phil were organized enough to have a podcast. That's really fun. No. So I want to say thank you to producer Layla and Amelia, who will be putting the podcast together and helping us put all the clips on Instagram and TikTok. - Yeah, can we get it? - So whenever you see those. - An enthusiastic yay, like you like your job. - Yay! - Well, that was two people held at gunpoint, wasn't it? - It sounded like they need help. Free them. - Thank you producers for making this whole thing happen. - Thank you. - Because we all know that Phil isn't organized. - I'm not organized. - Well, you can like have a nushinivity to buy inflatable furniture, but that's about it. - Sure. - So if you didn't see on YouTube. - Oh, we uploaded a little video. - Confirmed that fan is real. - Which if you are not terminally online and you might be like, what was that French phrase? Could you explain it for the normies that got lost on Spotify? - Dan and Phil, fan. In a relationship the whole time. - We're clapping. - Not like, oh my God. - Oh, oh no. Is that how we're confirming it? (laughing) - Ayo, rewind. - What? - And so this is hard launch. The podcast, 'cause it is a new era. - It is. - Aren't you scared? People wish you could take it back now. Five minutes of this yapping and everyone's like, please Dan and Phil, could you actually go in the closet a tiny bit more? - And I thought that the instet would react in a way. I didn't think it'd be reacting in such a huge way. - Are you saying you're surprised about how relevant you are? - Yes, sick. - I'm slightly scared I'm being perceived so much at the moment. - You know, when you've reached BBC News, it's containment. - Yeah. - It's like, okay, I thought that we were just saying something potentially obvious. Oh yeah, the two homosexuals that have lived together for 16 years, they're gay and people are really like breaking news. - I know, it's broken everywhere. Philippines news today. We were there. Manila, shout out. Anyone listening from Manila. - Manila in Manila, that's what we like to see. - But people have tuned in because now we, tuned in sounded a bit old, didn't it? You've tuned into our radio show because now we're a bit open. - Yeah. - We can talk about things we couldn't before. - 16 years of censoring ourselves. - Yes. - We were able to say last night I got no sleep because Dan thought that there was a home invader and we are yet to establish how hot the man was. - I'm still not over that. - Can I say posting that video felt like a huge relief? I was scared we were gonna-- - Did it feel like a fat (beep) - No. - Sorry, did I ruin a really sentimental moment? Sorry. - I just felt like a weight had been lifted. I was worried I was gonna post it or we were gonna post it and be like, oh no, we've made a huge mistake. - No, putting this back in the can. - I mean, you can't put that back in the can. - Once you popped, you just can't stop. - We could have been like prank. - Sour cream and onion. - Stop it. - Start it. - Open it. - Obviously people have processed the news that Dan and Phil have hard launched in different ways personally and very few of them were sincere because the memes were too good. - The memes were great. - Well actually I feel like people were saying beautiful, articulate things. It just got buried under hilarity because we have the most intelligent and funny audience. So we have prepared some highlights of some stuff that we store on the internet. - We've got some faves including-- - Okay, let's start with YouTube comments. They hit the (beep) Fentagon was one of them. That was a favorite. - I think that represents it quite well. Dan's therapist is gonna take the fatist bong rip and ascend into the sky like Mufasa. My work here is done. Hell yeah. My therapist said, Dan, you need to stop being scared and just rip the plaster off and oh shit, I did that. I think I accidentally took a limb off. - How often do you complain about me in therapy? - Okay, so we talked about boundaries in the video and obviously the point of this podcast is to be a safe space for sharing. I would say every week. Sometimes it's good. Oh you said complain. - Complain? - Every week. - Yeah, no, like never. - You've gotta unload. - Once a month, definitely. Next one. - They waited for our frontal lobes to develop with this was one. - People were young. They were vulnerable back in the day. - They were. - They weren't ready for this information. - They say your frontal lobe develops when you're 27. So if you've hit 27, you can process this. - Anyone else, you're still gonna have a different reaction. - What age do you think your synapses finally started kicking in? - I'm still waiting for them. - Okay, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. - I'm still waiting for them to arrive. - But all of you patiently waited for this news and the time was right. The next one says my ex broke a decade long no contact over this. - Wow. - Priorities. I mean, I don't wanna know how messy that was or why those rules were in place, but sometimes you just need to go back and message that person you haven't spoken to for 10 years. - Hey, maybe we've got something to remesh. - Please stop doing that with your fingers. - That was like multiple sizzling. - I don't know what group. Oh my God. - That's what you do for like a lesbian. - Is that called raking? - Group sex scenario. - Is he allowed to say that? - I don't know if I'm allowed to say that. - Sound off in the comments. - Sorry, today was like 9/11, but instead of being bad, it was awesome. Why we got two 9/11 things already? I'm sorry, everyone. - A thousand and a half people liked that. What is wrong with you? - Whoa. - That's actually a respectful tweet. Let's think about it. - Let's move on. - The actual Tumblr Twitter account said "Fan confirmed in big 2025." - And do you know what? I feel like we have a lot to thank for Tumblr. - I feel like they have a lot to thank. How much money did we make them? - I know, true. - Did Tumblr, were they monetizable back in the day? - But I feel like that's the place our first fandom kind of curated itself, even before Twitter. - Yeah, like the kombucha that was the Danifl audience and like the bacteria came from Tumblr. - Are you saying our audience has fermented? - Am I not saying kombucha is a delicious drink to some people? To some people it smells like piss and it's a bit suspicious, but it's healthy. - It's very vinegary. This is like the Bible confirming God. (laughing) - Wow. - Someone had to do it. Oh, I like this one. - Just saw someone say Danifl have been together longer than they've been alive. - That's disgusting. - I just shriveled up. - We don't wanna know what's happening with your trouser. - Oh no, the ghost penis. - We have lived a whole life on YouTube. Does it feel like you've lived an entire teen's life? - It feels like I've lived too many lives. - Yeah, I think errors count as separate lives. I've like traumatized, forgot everything that happened prior to 2018. - Yes. - That was just a blur. - What even was that? - And actually I've only been alive since I came out, so I'm actually five. - Some people are saying that you were a different person pre and post curly hair. - Well, you were a different person pre and post bleach. - No, I think I've been just as annoying the whole time. - I'd say the bleach seeping into your brain improved how articulate you are personally, but yeah. So thank you all. There are also lots of people saying, hey, we really appreciate you shared this. It must have been really scary. - Yes. - And that is very kind. - In all honesty, it was such a nice reaction. I feel heart warmed and not scared anymore. So thank you anyone that gave us encouragement. - It was a vulnerable moment for us opening up about this, but at least our corner of the internet where we posted this. You know, there were some questionable jokes there, an incredibly poor taste, but that made us feel at home. - It did. - So we want to say thank you to everybody for supporting us and enabling this new era of bullshit. - And now we can touch each other without editing it out. Touch me. I ain't reaching towards you. Okay, here's no depth perception. - There we go. - And it went for the cheek. That was scary there, wasn't it? - Which cheek people in the audio were like, what? - I'm so glad that we can now talk about these things. - What else could we talk about? Like what's a good story to hook people in and be like-- - It has to be gay. It has to be something that would have gotten us epically canceled 10 years ago. - Something gay, something salacious. Raccoon brain. - Sugar daddy. - Oh my God, we can't talk about that. - What do you mean we can't talk about that? - I'm not listening. Watching. - Oh, he's not listening. - Oh my God. - You turned him off. - I definitely didn't turn him on. - All right, well, he talked about it. I think it's time for Phil to reveal the sugar daddy story. - But wait, if you are listening to the podcast right now, we might have some little commercial messages. - How dare you tease them like that? - I'm teasing them. - You're sugar teasing them? - Yeah, listen to this. It's very exciting. (upbeat music) - So you said sugar daddy. Everyone is waiting to hear what you mean, because I'm scared. - How do we tell the story without doxing someone or crossing a line? - Can we vague it up a lot, but then still tell the story? Because no one needs to know the town. No one needs to know the name. - Okay, I'm censoring in real time. - All the time. - Something's gonna go wrong. - Go on. - Let's go for it. The year was like-- - Stop, it doesn't matter. It happened in a time in our lives where we knew each other. - Back in the Dan and Phil radio presentory awards show era, okay? We wanted to be employed. We were like, yes, job opportunity is great. We need to pay this London rent. And a guy reached out to us and said, "Hey, I represent a TV media company-- - Flash radio. - Based in an expensive-- - City. - European-- - Yes, a European city. And we thought amazing professional opportunity. He wanted us to come out, do a test recording to see if we wanted to hire us. And they said that, oh, they'll show us around the town. So we thought, yeah. And when we arrived, I'll say there was very little work that we had to do. - We turned up at this guy's office and we were like, hey, we're Dan and Phil. - Yeah. - And then these people looked around like, who the hell are you? - Yes. - And then this guy in the corner was like, oh, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming. - And do you know the first thing I clocked? - What? - The Rolex. - What does that mean? - He had a Rolex on. - Phil's got those eyes on the diamonds, okay. I am not putting up. - And it looked real. It was heavy around his wrist. - Yeah. He had the limp wrist of someone weighed down by success. - Yes. - Unrelatable. - Anyway, instead of doing lots of work, we did a little camera test. And then he said, do you want to go on a boat tour? - In hindsight, doing a camera test, was that a red flag? - Maybe. - We'll see where this goes. - And I was like, yes. Do I want to go on a boat tour? - A lake in Europe. This is lovely. And we thought, you know, the corporation is trying to show us around. - They had staff on this boat, serving as apparel spritzes. - Yeah, it had staff. So we thought this is a legit corporate experience, but we're really appreciating it. - And after Below Deck, that's kind of ruined ever going on a boat again, because I know what's happening. - They do not want to be down there. - Down there, they hate it. And then took us to a Michelin star restaurant that evening. - And this was a bit, you know, we don't fit in in those places. Phil can barely hold a fork. - Too awkward. And it was one of those like eight seats in it. And people are just staring at you all the time. I can't handle it. - But it was just us and the guy. And I think we were thinking, where's the rest of the team? Are we going to meet the social media person? Who's your boss? But we thought, okay, this guy's been assigned to be the Dan and Phil babysitter. Someone has to. - And you were as well, like, this is cool. Like, what's going on? - We were very happy to be using the company card. Okay. So we had those apparel spritz. We were feeling spritz. - We did. Then we went out to a nightclub, a little bit weird for a corporate kind of thing. - But I think at this point, the guy that we were with, which was like, would you say mid to late 30s, handsome European guy working in media. - Pretty cute. - Took us out to this meal and said, let's go out afterwards. And you say, yes, it can be a networking thing. - I said, yeah, let's do it. - We were having a nice time. - I didn't dance. I just tried to talk really loudly. - Had a couple of cocktails. - Yeah. - Phil yelled in a Northern accent and that didn't turn him off. And then he said, do you want to come back to our place? - Yes. - And- - Our place. - This is a fork in the road. Me and Phil were just having a nice time and we weren't asking difficult questions. - No. - We were not asking, I was just like, this is fun. - We were having fun. We were enjoying making new friends. He said he had a cool view from his apartment. - I love a cool view. - So we went back. We had another cocktail. - Yeah. - It was about 4 a.m. - I was tired. - The conversation got a bit dry. - My social battery runs out at about 1 a.m. - Definitely. - And it had gone. - And we had jet lag of some amount of small few hours that were not disclosing to make this too specific. - Yes. - So then me and Phil were like, oh, you know what? It's been real. See you in the morning and we'll finish that day at your office. - Night, bro. - The guy looked a bit confused. - He looked a bit sad. - I would say. - A little bit like, what's going on here? - But we just thought, wow, 4 a.m. We've had so much fun. It's time to get a good night's sleep for our day of work tomorrow. - Yes. - The day of work tomorrow got slightly impacted when Phil had a DM on Twitter. - Oh no, stop. - That was just saying, hey man, did I do something wrong last night? Like, I thought that we were getting on great and it was going somewhere, but then you guys just bailed at the last second. Like, and then we had a moment where we suddenly realized, oh, are we dumb as hell? - We had missed every kind of hint. - The guy was hitting on us the entire time. - The whole time? - And maybe the entire time because it turns out this boat trip and the meal that wasn't paid for on the company card, he was treating us to it. - He was treating us the whole time. He never said it was for the company. We just assumed. - Phil, can I ask you a question? - Yes. - How were you DMing this guy before we went on the trip? - He seemed like a nice guy. - He was just like a friendly professional banter with someone. - Yeah, just friendly bans. - He was looking at a couple of Twinks, invited them over. - Yeah. - And he thought that he was very, very clearly going out to the club. - Yes. - And then he said, do you want to come back to our place? And we were like, oh yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, we are going back to your place right now at 2 a.m. Are we going back to your place? Yeah, buddy. - It turned out he wanted the P. I could have had a sugar daddy. - Hey, the D was also there. - I could have had a sugar daddy instead of you, Dan. - Wait, was I the third wheel on that trip? - Yes. - He was like, who's this guy you brought along? - Oh my God, I think I actually was. - You were. - I was like, can I bring my friend? - No, no, no, no. If you're inviting us over for this thing, we're doing Dan and Phil right now, the presenting duo. - Yes. - So I'm going to bring my buddy along. - I know. - And do you reckon he had a little, I mean, maybe I'm open to a threesome, but I thought I was having true love with this guy from a valley in Manchester. - Yeah, I think that's what it was. - I ruined your shot with a European sugar daddy. There's still time. - What do you mean, there's still time? - Pedro. - It was not called Pedro, you can't wish, okay. So in conclusion, Phil and actually, it'll also mean missing the signs. - Yes. - The signals, incredibly clear. - It was very clear, but also we weren't used to men hitting on us because we were kind of fresh gays in a way. - We barely left the house. - We barely left the house. We were not used to that landscape yet. Manscape. (snoring) Maybe he'd manscaped just for that night. - Are we the assholes? Yes. - Yes, we were the assholes, sorry. - So Dan and Phil would like to formally apologise to the European sugar daddy. I'm sorry that we did not work at your undisclosed media location and/or field and move in. - Yes. - And now that is our trauma from the past, completely healed. Nice. - Nice, I feel like we said too much. That was too much. - But this is a good example of the type of things that we will now post on this podcast and regret later. - I feel exposed, I need a gulp of my disgusting drink. - Cheers to that, buddy. - Oh, cheers. - Oh yeah. - That was a good clink. (snoring) Great sipping. (sighing) - Hydrated fanny, hell yeah. - Don't say hydrated fanny. - P-H-A-N-N-Y. - Hopefully you're all hydrated fannies. - Stay moist in the chat. - Yeah, we're not gonna get new viewers and listeners saying stuff like that. - Yeah, sorry, we're trying to be in our mainstream appeal era. - Did you learn about tablecloths this week? 'Cause I did online. - Is this a fetish? - Maybe. - You're close. - What do you mean maybe? Why do I ask you rhetorical joke questions? - Why? - And the answer's always yes. - Daniel, why were tablecloths invented? - So you don't have to wipe tables? - No. - Did you mean no? - Think about where they are. - On a table. - Yeah? - Yeah. - Think about what they do. - Collect mess. - Men back in the day. - I hate this already. - Back in the day. - Men have done nothing good back in the day. - They didn't see many parts of many people. So it got them easily excited. - A little bit of cheeky Victorian ankle. - Yes, a table leg looks very much like a slender lady's leg. So they invented-- - What is he lying about today? - They invented the tablecloth to stop people getting boners while they're sat at the dinner table. 'Cause if they saw-- - No. - If they saw that table leg, they would be arrested. - You're telling me that tablecloths were invented because Victorian men couldn't stop themselves from having wardrobe malfunctions. - Yes, yes. - I'm gonna fact check this right now. We are episode one live fact check right now. - Wait, wait. Listen, Dan. - I'm listening and so are all the people on Apple right now. - Is a fact a fact or is it a good story? - Tablecloths were invented to protect tables from spills in depth. - No, it's about erections that-- - Well, Phil, I'm sorry to ruin your fun fact, but I can in fact confirm that that is a bold lie. - Okay, fun police. - I'm sorry to crush your dreams, to squash your cheeky exposed ankle excitement. - What I was saying is, can a fact not just be a fun thing you tell? And this is why we should be terrified of the future of society. Okay, this is, you know what? This is a great moment. I came up with a break in case of emergency glass situation here because if we ever went dangerously off topic and needed to realign, we have a plan. And this plan, much like the name of this podcast and the inflatable chair started with Phil just buying something off the internet without telling me because one day I came into my hallway and I saw a box from China and Phil said, "I bought a gacha machine." You know, there's things that you put 20p in and you turn it and a little ball comes out with a piece of plastic. - I'm so excited by this, but before we unveil him, if you're listening-- - Okay, the box has a gender. - If you're listening, here's some exciting messages. (upbeat music) - I would like to introduce all of you to the emergency topic generator. - Yay! - Here, we have a box full of balls and inside every ball, are they not our balls? - I bought the balls, they're our balls. They're our shared balls. - Our show, our shared balls, thank you very much. And inside each of them is a life-saving topic for when we need it most. And after tablecloth, I think the time is now. - For anyone listening, it's like one of those machines that you get at a fair where you turn a thing and you get a bouncy ball out of it. That's how you describe it. - Except instead of a bouncy ball, you're about to get 10 minutes of insane content. - And because this is bougie, I don't know, representative of Phil, it only takes pound coins. - Hey! - Wow. - And you know, I don't know how to remove them. So they're in there. - Yeah, currently we've tested that this works. Phil has just fed four pounds into this thing and we haven't worked out how to get the money out yet. - This is our P-bank. - So this time in a year of successful podcast episodes, this will have bankrupted us. - Right, give me your quiz, lad. - You think I carry cash? - You don't even carry cash? - I don't even carry a credit card around. - Wait, let me reach. - The hell? - Let me reach in. Deep pockets on these jeans. - I'm so sorry, everybody. - You can do the honors. - Oh, you want me to do the reach around? - Go on. - Okay. - Huh. - Huh. - It's squeaky. - I'm cranking it. - Oh. Oh, here we go. - We've got a ball. - Yes. What is it, yellow? - It's a yellow ball, ladies and gentlemen and thems. Okay, huh. I'm cranking it. I'm peeling it. - Okay, get her out of here. We've had lots of different pronouns for the random topic emergency creator. - Yes. - Philip Michael Lester. This is also at me, so I don't know why I'm directing this at you. - Yeah, and Daniel James Howard. - Are you doxing me? - Maybe. - My name is Dan Howell. - Go on. - Do you know that once we were in Edinburgh and it was like 1 a.m., and then a drunk guy ran up to me and he went, "Oh my God, are you Dan Howard?" (laughing) - That's why I call you Dan Howard all the time. - And I was like, what are you gonna say to a blitzed Scottish student at 2 a.m.? - Also your middle name's not in your passport, so it's not real. - Yeah, I forget the rules on whether or not you're supposed to tell people your middle name or not. - Anyway, what are we talking about? The tension is killing everyone. - And I just said yes to him. - Read the thing. - Our new topic is holy sh*t. - Okay. - Are you ready for this? - Is it deep? Is it sexual? - Laundry. - Oh. (laughing) Which is actually good for me. - Oh, it's too close to tablecloths. We haven't pivoted enough. - Do you know? - How is this good for you? - Because you don't know how to do laundry. - What the f*ck? This is not the attack Dan hour. - Right. - If you want to get into domestic post-hard launch Dan and Phil tea, my parents never taught me how to use a washing machine. - No. - Because my mum didn't have a dryer. - Dan, it's been 15. - Okay, we hung things up. - 15 years. - Phil's privilege, he had a dryer. - Dan says, what do I press on the laundry machine every single time? I'm like, Dan, I've told you 400 times. - Because when I first started going to your apartment in the year of our Lord 2011, it is because I was afraid to go into the laundromat at university because it was filled with rugby boys. I packed all of my laundry into a suitcase and I wheeled it through the entire city of Manchester to the weird end of town that Phil lived in and I just used him to wash all my clothes. - And then I've taught him the other day, I was like, oh my God, Dan's put the laundry on. This is a miracle. I checked, he's got all his socks in, he's put them on towels 90 degrees. - I wanted to (beep) blitz those socks. - What was on those socks? - Foot. (laughing) - The feet. - Calm down, people. - Why don't you know how to use it? - Because you were the first person I met that ever had a dryer. - That doesn't mean you can't be like-- - And you didn't teach me how to do it. - I do, 30 degrees. - You know how I'm gonna entrap this twink from the internet? I'm gonna dry his socks in my apartment. And I honestly think this is a manipulation from you. - Oh, really? - I think that you withheld this knowledge strategically. - I've even taught you-- - To use leverage. - About the wonders of scent balls. - Phil likes to say things like, but I put the dryer on yesterday, so you have to do this chore for me, and he knows, he knows that I don't know how to operate the Samsung dryer. - You're trapped, is that what you're saying? You're trapped. - You've got me exactly where you want me. - You would have stinky clothes. - I would have wet, sopping clothes with nowhere to hang because you are the only person that knows how to open the lint drawer in a very complicated scenario. - If I got eaten by a lizard tomorrow. - Then I'd stink. I'd smell like a wet dog. I would be sopping right now. - Smelly, wet down. - There would be a puddle on this inflatable chair. - There is the laundry chat, there we go. - I think I preferred your tabletop lie. I didn't enjoy that at all, really. - Anyway, you might have noticed on this machine. - This is the sound of Phil wheeling the emergency topic generator back in. - I'm wheeling the topic generator back. - Holy (beep) is that a red ball? - There are two red balls. - Two scary red balls. - We are gonna write something for each other a punishment, if you will. - A topic that the other person wants to breach at no cost. - And we're gonna put them in the balls. You won't know what they are and the other person won't know what they are until they are selected by Richard. - Who's Richard? - The machine. - Okay, the Richard, apparently it's she, her pronouns. Name is Richard. - I could give Richard some eyes. - That looks like a tit. - Maybe it could be tit. - Phil drew an eye and it looks like a perfect areola. - Well, it's like one of those tests, isn't it? Do you see boobs or eyes? Well, who are you asking? These two homosexuals. Why are you handing me a boob? What are we doing? - Okay. - I'll write mine first, 'cause I already know what it is. - He already knows what it is. Phil has come prepped for something that's gonna make me more uncomfortable than lying about upholstery. - You're gonna need to be prepped for this one. - Are you laughing at your own topic? - Yes. - Why are you writing so much? Ro is writing an essay right now. In this paper, I will. - I folded it up. I'm gonna put it in the ball while you write yours. - Okay, well, can I have the pen? - There you go. - Cheers. This guy. - Okay, it's going in. Have you thought of one? - Yeah, and it's a short word because I'm a normal person. - What? - Locktober, it's in. - Now, we're gonna mix these up. - Next time you see us on the hard launch podcast, there's gonna be two scary red balls. - Do you wanna get the balls? - And they could get drawn at any moment. - Do you wanna touch the balls? - I will take the balls and put them on the table. - Mix them up, mix them up. - Okay, Phil, open the hatch and put on the machine. - I will mix them up because people will think I rigged it otherwise. - I don't think people trust you to remember what's happening in your own hands. - He's mixing, he's mixing. - That was authentic. - Right, here we go. - Damn, Richard is tight. You are cranking that thing. - Open your hole. - Sorry, pause, pause. Everybody stop. We need to draw a line in the sand right now. If I say a tasteful euphemism, Phil, you can't then just say something disgusting. Yeah, but you don't need to say it. I made the joke when I said Richard is tight. You don't need to be like, oh, there we go, I'm gonna throw my balls into Richard's hole. - Release. - Oh. - Good luck. Oh, one of those is dangerously close to the flap. Who's gonna get red first? Now the name of the podcast is Hard Launch. - We have Hard Launch. - After that thing that we did. And how do you feel after that? - Well, I said I felt like our rate has been lifted. You know what I mean? - And so would you recommend that other people go through this? - Everyone should do this. - They get things off their chest. They do dance therapy homework of boldly admitting something that terrifies them just so that they can make progress in their life. - Make a little bit of progress. - Well, this is where we want you to come in. Every single week, we are gonna play messages from you, the people telling us what you would like to hard launch. - It could be anything. It doesn't have to be a relationship. - It could be an unpopular opinion. - It could be an invention. (laughing) - And then Phil will invest and give you one pound for 90% of your company. - I will not give you anything. - And to kick us off, we got a few of the people in our life to send in these. And do they know that we are actually gonna play these on the internet for the wrong-- - I feel like they have found out too late. - They might have done this as like a safe space. So we said, can you give us some things that you want to hard launch? - I'm sure they'll be happy with it. - And now we're just showing them with the internet. - Go on. - It's too late. Right, let's have our first listener. - Hiya, it's Flora here. I want to hard launch, breaking up with both of my boyfriend. I am so done with men. - Whoa! - Both of them! - Wait, why are we getting no more context? (beep) - I need to know-- - Wait, (beep) those men. - Don't (beep) the men. - I think the effing of the men is out. - Oh, okay. I like that you're censoring yourself and I'm just saying (beep) I think I've said it way more than you today. - Good for you, Phil. - What's happened? - Let those (beep) out. - I'm unleashed. - I need to know, is this because you've had a lesbian turn? Congrats. Is it because you're just done with the current state of men? - I would say-- - The male loneliness epidemic. Sometimes they deserve it. - Did the boyfriends know about each other is what I want to know. - Oh! Is it a police situation or is it a, ooh. - Do you think that-- - Stephen could hide. - You've handled two boyfriends from an organisational perspective though because I think this might be, I tried having two boyfriends and I just can't deal with the drama. - You are so annoying. I couldn't have two annoying people in my lives. You know what I mean? What? - Just enjoying the devastating silence. - Oh, okay. - Well, we support that for whatever reason you're doing it, whether you're doing it for you or them, them you win. - Hard launch. - And you can take that whatever way you want. Hard launch into them, out of them. Next. - Hi, I'm Dave from Tameside. - It's okay. - I want to hard launch my invention of sweatpants for people who are growers and not showers. - Ooh! - Can we put some padded in there? - That's true. I mean, the great sweatpants thing is not very fair. - Can we have a moment of brave appreciation for that? - Yes. - And he's a grower. It means it grows. - I said that, absolutely. - Growers can get like four times as high. - Can we talk about the damage and how problematic that the four times? - I mean, I've got speaking for myself. - Who are you speaking for, bro? What is Phil speaking on right now? - I don't want to out anyone's girth. - Length, actually. I think we're talking about. Also, it could grow in any direction. - And gorgeous in all ways. - Diagonally. - Yeah, I agree. How would it work though? Would it be kind of like a-- - I think it would be like a football cup situation. You know what I mean? - A big football cup. - I think that the gray sweatpants trend has set an unhealthy standard for male beauty standards. - It has. - And so we either need things that flatten hashtag all bulges or increase hashtag all bulges. - This might be a bit like Victorian tablecloth man, but I don't mind seeing a bit of a bulge. I do mind seeing like the entire tip and shaft through that. You know what I mean? - Help me. - 'Cause you must go out. - I can't believe I've committed to doing a podcast. - You must go out in the morning, look in the mirror and be like, wow. - Yeah, no, I agree. People, they're making a choice. They're making an intentional choice to inflict that upon the people throwing them on Instagram. - And sometimes I'm like, I've seen too much. - Broke on another layer. - The mystery is gone now, Steve. - Where's the mystery? - Yeah. - Exactly. The surprise of "Grow Show" or "No" is the entire point of the fun. If you don't have the appeal of knowing what LaBooBoo you're gonna get, then, well, that's the thing, right? ♪ What says a cockroach in this box? ♪ - Yeah, that's the excitement of... - Phil is investing. That was a great one. All right, and let's have one more. - Okay, last one. - I'd quite like to you hard launch "Knocked Conserving Killer Whales". - Oof! - They are not cute. - Oh! - They're malevolent bullies of the sea. - Okay. - They effectively just go around making everyone's lives hell. - Uh-huh. - And there are people out there telling us that need our help. They don't need our help. They're sinking billionaires on yachts. - Wow. - But I mean... - Did a seal send that in? - I think they might have done. - 'Cause there was no name there. I think that was from Oof undisclosed Mid-Atlantic Ocean. - Or is one of our friends secretly a billionaire and they don't want to be sunk? - Because surely we want to be cheering them on. - 100%. That was Jeff Bezos with a voice filter or a seal. - Well, they're always listening, aren't they? 'Cause I get all of the ads that I'm looking at. - They talk about Alexa or seals. - All of them. - I was like, what the (beep) happened to the seals? Okay, they're always listening. Are they in the room with us right now? - I don't know. But either way, I'm not gonna agree to you. I feel like we should make more Killer Whales. - Make more. They're made by people and that is Phil's next fact to go after tablecloths are there to stop boners. - Get in the lab. - Well, I understand that they're killers, right? - I feel bad for the seals. - And they're being entrapped. - Yes. - Well, I feel sorry for the way that you look at your shreddies in the morning. - I mean, yeah. - You're making a goddamn mess of that thing. - I am. - Flip over the bowl every single morning. - Shoving them right in my blow hole. - Eh. All right, well, this is a safe space. So we wanna thank everybody that sent those in. - Okay, people have lives. We should probably let them leave and go back to what they're after. - Phil's already been forcing me to make TikToks. - I have. - I regret this new era already. - I'm excited by it. - We wanna say thank you to everybody for enabling our bullshit. This was already real fun and I'm gonna regret posting this but that is what this is all about. Getting stuff for your chest, regretting nothing, audible fist bump. - That was very straight, wasn't it? - Drinking some purple, what should we do? A gay touch. - There we go. I like unplanned things. I'm just gonna say everything I was gonna tell Dan randomly and just say it on the podcast. - We're no longer gonna have actual conversations between the two of us. You're just gonna stare at me and go, oh sorry, that was gonna be interesting. I'm gonna say it on the podcast. - Hey, it's Halloween next week. Is it gonna be a spooky one or is it gonna be a mildly spooky one? - So look forward to that horrific seasonally app next time and every Monday in the safe space that is the Dan & Phil Hard Lunch Club. - What a great way to kick off the week though. - Absolutely. - A Monday Dan & Phil. - You've said this strong. Where's it gonna go now? Downhill, that's the answer. - Clapping but not our cheeks unless you give us extra cash. - Thanks. (upbeat music)