Do Codependents Poison Relationships Just as Much as Narcissists? w/ Richard Grannon

These children, this child. So I am my own self is a really, really good one. If you're in a triggering situation, I am my own. I want to say now self, wow, own, self. I am my own self. So in business relationships, I found in the past I ended up feeling resentful because in the early stages, I didn't negotiate well on my behalf when I over gave hoping that later there'd be a reciprocation, which never comes. Never fucking reciprocate. Falling asleep by your love, great. I wasn't that horny anyway. We've all been there. I do this in situations where I would feel my codependency coming up. I am my own self. So I'm in a business meeting, somebody saying something and my stupid codependent brain goes, oh, you could do this for them. You could, and I'm like, I am my own self. They are them, I am me. If they have a problem, that's a grown up right there. They should fix it. Because if I fix it for them, this is the kind of codependent, toxically passive behavior that poisons relationships. We poison relationships just as much as they do. We poison the relationships. Toxic passivity provides the fertile breeding ground for narcissism to take place. It will not take root in a boundary environment. It can't. I think I just said something smart. Times damped that. We're going to use that as a YouTube clip. Yeah, so toxic passivity is a breeding ground for narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse cannot take place in an environment where there are boundaries, and they cannot have power over you if you are not flashbacking. They cannot. None of them are that powerful. Except in the cluster B spectrum, when you're talking about violent psychopaths, like a Ted Bundy, who's going to take power over you by putting a gun to your head. However, even he used a bait, sore arm, sore leg. That's why I pretend to do this. And hang around a college campus. Hang on a second. [LAUGHTER] Whoa. And then he confessed. So even he would use a lure, but it's rare. It's a rare set of circumstances. And for most of the people in here, that wouldn't be as relevant as more like an emotional sort of coercion that would be going on. It's important, as well, to note-- this is a note I made that I wanted to deliver tonight that I took in my head-- the idea of narcissists as being a new ex-partner is being highly powerful. We've got to start getting rid of that. It's kind of horseshit. It's the Wizard of Oz. It's a silly little man hiding behind a curtain in a land of illusions that he spent years creating. Don't look at the man behind the curtain because you'll see how pissful he is. This is hard on the ego, because that means you and you and you and me got had off by a con artist. And they weren't even that good. They were cheap hocksers, and we got done. The reason we got done is because we wanted to be. We wanted that. We wanted that. That's not-- it's not like a conscious thing. We're not masterkists. We're not perverts. It comes down to the traumatizing, the toxic passivity that which we were raised with. So if you actually-- I don't know how far everybody is-- from an abusive relationship in the timeline. But as you get further away and you look back, you'll realize how dumb some of the stuff they did was and how silly it was. And therefore, how silly you must have been to have gone along with it. And you're silly. I'm silly. We're all silly. But all hold hands. And it is a kind of an emotional immaturity. It's a kind of silliness that is rooted-- not in this room, but I have run seminars where people have come. And they've even openly said to me, I do stupid things in the middle of seminars because I want attention. They want to be silly. Why? Because they've not grown up. We do have a tendency to being emotionally immature. I hope I'm not offending anybody with that. But like, emotional immaturity goes hand in hand with codependency and toxic passivity. Because if we were emotionally mature and boundaries, we would have called them out in their shit and sent them packing. Because unless they put a gun to your head, how do they get in your house? How do they get your fucking house keys? In my case, I handed them over. You're pretty. Take everything and my money. I'm enamoring that trance. I'm not proud of it, but it happens. But behind that, childlessness and the kind of silliness and the reaction-seeking behavior, there is a sadness and there's loneliness. That happened because we were lonely. That happened because we didn't think that a normal boundary-loving relationship was possible. We probably thought this is as good as it's going to get. This person is showing me attention and attention is love. Even if the attention is bullying, demanding, critical blah, blah, blah. So this one, I use this a lot. I am my own self. And I usually follow that up with this person can deal with their own stuff. They can blow their own nose, wipe their own bottom. I'm not doing that for them. My co-dependency has limits, man. I'm not doing that. So you can, if you take that mantra with you and just remind yourself, this is me, I am me. They are them. That's my Dharma. This is my Dharma. I've got stuff I've got to do in my life. They've got stuff they've got to do in their life. If I start taking that from them and trying to deal with their Dharma for them, that is bad karma. That is bad karma. I will be in pain. They will be in pain. I'm not feeding into, there's an idea in Buddhism of a collective good, of an enlightenment of the collective consciousness that's supposed to spiral upwards. If I'm doing your work, I'll do your meditation for you. It's a one of meditate once they go and write songs into that. I'll do it for you. Who am I helping? I'm now Sekka. I'm Sekka for doing it. And he's weaker for not doing it, for not doing what he should have done. So be very, very careful with this neurotic urge to take other people's problems and deal with them on their behalf. No, it's OK. Sorry, dude. I'm sorry. I can't give you the last five years, but-- Yeah. [LAUGHS] [MUSIC PLAYING]