Do Adopted Kids Struggle More? Part #1 #618

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So I remember the exact moment 20 years ago when it hit me that our adopted kids often have more intense needs than others. I remember the exact moment 20 years ago when it hit me that our adopted kids often have more intense needs than others. I was roughhousing with this boy named Alexander. He'd been adopted from Russia. And it seemed like all the Russian kids we worked with were named Alexander. He was this fiery little guy who craved sensory pressure, attention, affirmation, and things. Especially anything other kids had that he didn't. We were wrestling out on the lawn when my knee accidentally hit him in the head. And I noticed a switch flipped in his eyes. His face turned red. There was rage. Shame. Betrayal. Anger. It's kind of like he'd been disrespected. And he put his head down as if he were a bull about to charge me. And we were just learning a lot, kind of on the job. It was 2005. We were hosting our Legos camps at our home. We noticed, look, we had noticed so many of the kids that I like to term our kids. That includes a wide range of kids with ADD, ADHD, ASD, OCD, ODD, anxiety, sensory attachment issues. Some kids were adopted, some not. We noticed these kids often didn't respond well in a therapeutic office one-on-one. And they wouldn't or couldn't attend regular camps. But most of them loved building with Lego blocks. So we did something kind of odd. And we opened up our townhome in Northern Virginia. And the kids had no idea we were doing a form of play therapy. They would just come and build and create together. And then obviously argue and boss each other. And throw tantrums and meltdown. But it was all in real time, in real life situations. So we had an opportunity to teach them new skills in the moment. Look, we love these kids. It wasn't even a business or a plan yet. It was just kind of a heartfelt response to parents and kids who felt alone, felt judged, felt helpless at times. We were a safe place. Parents could drop their kids without having to explain or make excuses or wonder. When they'd be getting a call to come pick up their child. Because in 10 years with over 1,500 kids, we never had to send a kid home. So here I was in this tense moment with this boy I called Alexander the Great. Because great was his spirit. And great was his strength. And great was his big heart. But great was his pain and longing and frustration. And now he's got tears running down his face. Not because I physically hurt him. But because his pride was hurt. And he had a lot of pain and confused feelings inside. So he put his head down to charge right into my gut. That's all he knew to do. And I didn't know what to do. And my first thought was what we all want to say. Hey, Alexander, calm down. It's okay. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. Let's go get a snack. But for some reason, I just blurted out with intensity. And forgive me for the reference to the crude language here. But it is important to be intense with these kids. Alexander, you should be intense. You should be really PO'd at me. I'm angry at myself for hurting you. I said it with intensity while he rushed me. And I didn't stop him. I knew he needed that sensory input. But then I said it in a commanding tone. Come with me. I've got an idea. And I stomped away like I was angry at myself. And I burst through our front door with Alexander behind me. And all the other kids were on the floor of a building. And they looked up and said, what's wrong? And I said, I hurt. I hurt Alexander. And we're going to do something about it. And I kept marching. And I didn't know what I was going to do. And my wife saw us and gave me that look of like, what's going on? And I just walked in and I threw open the refrigerator. I grabbed a carton of eggs from back when you could afford them. And I told Alexander, let's go. He followed me outside to the spot where he'd been hurt. And I said, the first six eggs, I want you to throw as hard as you can against my house. Now, it was brick, so I knew it wouldn't really hurt it. And I said, make those eggs splatter everywhere. Make the biggest mess you can. So we actually both threw eggs at the house. And I actually yelled at one point, I'm so angry at myself for hurting you. And then I stepped about 10 yards away and I said, okay, throw a few at me. You can throw them as hard as you can. And we were still kind of in this both intense situation here. Now, I was younger. I was a little bit more agile then. And I knew I could kind of let the eggs hit me without hurting too much. So he grabs one, throws it, it misses. And then the second one, I let it hit me in the arm and it splattered pretty hard. And watch what happens at that. Little Alexander the Great, this was a really cool kid. He threw the rest of the eggs at the ground and he said, can we just wrestle again? And I nearly began bawling because he didn't want to hurt me. He just needed a way. He just needed a way to process all these feelings. And that's when I learned several really important lessons and made some big changes to our camps. I created an obstacle course in the backyard and in our basement with things kids had to crawl under, climb over, pull and push. I hoped up a rope to some weights like they do at the gym in the backyard. I bought 10 bags of mulch and dirt and a few shovels and some plants so kids could randomly help me do yard work. I began greeting kids. Every morning with a task they were good at doing. I'd give them an envelope and it had a special mission in it to find something, do some heavy work, complete a mission. So our first activity was a sensory win. It gave them a sense of accomplishment. And I could say, man, killer job doing that. And look, it was exhausting and it is going to be exhausting for you. It already is. But we learned to proactively. Meet a lot of these needs for intensity and sensory pressure ahead of time. And it didn't change everything. It won't always make things all better, but we made progress and that's our goal. So over the course of this and the next over two podcast episodes, I want to discuss adoption in greater detail. I do hope you find the insights and strategies helpful, whether you have an adopted child or if you're, considering adopting and be honest, if you're even considering having a child or if you already have kids, you're going to find this helpful. So. Welcome. I know this is a little different from my normal thing, but this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So I know this can be a sensitive topic, so let me be clear. I am pro-adoption. Two of my favorite people in the world are in our family. They are adopted. I have donated time and money to adoption agencies. I've conducted training for and answered emails from countless adoptive parents over the past two decades. So here are some caveats. Not all adopted kids and families experience everything I will say in this podcast. I am only relating my own experience over the past 25 years and common patterns I have noticed. Your experience may differ. Each child and family is different, and this is in no way exhaustive. My intention is to share what we have experienced with these following purposes. I want you to understand the underlying dynamics at play and what your adopted child may experience. I want to help parents who are considering adoption. I want to help you go in with your eyes wide open and have appropriate expectations because it is usually far more difficult than people are led to believe. And I think that's wrong to not prepare people. I want to relieve any guilt, and I want to reassure parents, grandparents, guardians, and caregivers who have adopted kids and who feel alone. I want to help you go in with your eyes wide open and have appropriate expectations for what your adopted child may experience. I want to help parents reset your expectations of yourself, your adopted child, and maybe your biological kids. And then I want to provide specific strategies to help with various behavior issues that tend to be common with our adopted kids. And I'm going to answer specific questions during a helpful Q&A, including how to help kids who have adopted kids. good it feels to be organized and have a place for everything. We love Wayfair because they have a huge selection of home decor and organizing items that are easy to find and order with great prices that fit any budget and fast free shipping. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5% back on every purchase so you can start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. So when we get those emails from parents saying, oh, we adopted him or her from birth, behind that phrase is the hope that that will make things different. After all, we were right there at the birth of the child. And surely that's helpful and good. What we often miss is what happened during the previous nine months of development in the womb. And every experience is different. But let's use some common sense here and make some assumptions. While adopting a child is a joyful experience and also very hard, carrying a child in your womb and then giving that child to someone else must necessarily be traumatic on varying levels. And I think it's safe to assume that many, not all cases, the birth mother will have conflicting emotions such as guilt and regret and hope. She may not have had a supportive husband or partner or parents by her side. She may be economically distressed, and that's usually correlated with worse health outcomes and insufficient prenatal care. In the worst situations, she may be subject to abuse by the baby's father, or she may engage in more risky behaviors like drug or alcohol abuse, smoking, etc. If the birth mother is experiencing violence, trauma, depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, well, this will impact the baby in the womb. Again, there's no judgment here. This birth mom may just be the most courageous loving human you've ever met. That doesn't negate issues that will arise. We're trying to be honest that this isn't usually a happy and hopeful nine months of celebration and healthy self-care in a supportive environment in most situations. And I'm not here to try to prove some point. I don't think so. Even if you were there to cut the umbilical cord, probably experienced some measure of trauma in the womb. I don't think that's a controversial statement. Let's even assume that was not the case. But we still have to consider common feelings associated with being separated at birth from your mother, especially since attachment starts forming in the womb. And this early trauma can lead to difficulties in forming healthy attachments, regulating emotions, and coping with stress. Look, you know much of this, but many, not all, but many adopted kids mentioned struggling with feelings of loss, abandonment, rejection, and identity issues. It's normal and natural for them to ask, why didn't my mom or dad want me? What was wrong with me? Why didn't the biological grandparents or uncles and aunts, why didn't they step in? Why did my family reject me and give me away to strangers? How do I know my new family won't give up on me? Why didn't my family reject me and give me away to strangers? How do I know me? Does my father even know I exist? There could be shame around that pregnancy from rape or infidelity. They might feel different if they're adopted from a different culture, race, or nation. Look, there are dozens of questions like these. And I want you to normalize and encourage your adopted child to feel free to ask those questions because that's healthy. And don't be defensive about that. They need to ask those questions. So this may or may not be right, but I'm going to ask you to do the same. Look, I'm one of four brothers, and we're fairly close. Both of our parents are gone. So it's just the four of us boys. And we have pretty much daily interactions on this text thread as brothers. And I'm a reasonably content, happy guy with pretty secure attachments in life. But I imagined, how would I react if I discovered today that I had been adopted? And here's what I immediately felt inside. I would instantly feel separation from my three brothers, like I'm not really one of them. I would not feel on equal footing with them, as if I'm a little less than and not really in the family, even though I've spent my entire life with them. I would begin to question and wonder why nobody told me before. Hey, who is my mom and my dad? How am I like them? What did they look like? Why do they look like me? And I would ask myself, why didn't they want to raise me? Did they ever try to contact me or meet me? Did I actually ever meet them and not know it? Did they have other kids? Do I have step siblings out there? Are they still alive? Have my mom and dad ever wondered about me or what my life has been like? Would my dad be proud of me? What traits did I get from my mom, from my dad? I would question whether my three brothers would really be by my side when things get tough, given that I'm not a blood brother. Would they abandon me too? How would my life have been different with my biological mom and dad and grandparents? Even as a grown man, this would be really hard. Again, that's just me, but I can imagine kids would have similar questions and more. And there's one more conflicting emotion that we kind of talked about earlier, which is that pressure to feel grateful that they were rescued or saved or chosen. It's subtle, but it's real. So let's consider what many adoptive parents have experienced. And I feel for adoptive parents because I'm very close to several in my family. And in some cases, family members could not have children themselves and decided to adopt. In some cases, there was a religious conviction behind it that they were doing something noble and good. And these can be very powerful motivators, but they can also set up unrealistic expectations of the child, the experience, and the parents. Sometimes a narrative develops that the adoptive parents are heroes rescuing a child who is not wanted. And that sets in motion many psychological complications. The child can be seen as the miracle baby or is given by God, which automatically carries additional pressure on the child to fulfill this mission. It can also create a dynamic in which people think, well, if God called us to do this, it has to turn out well. And I've had people, tell me later, we used to frame it as being led by God, but we were actually just being led by our own desires and need to have a child to feel complete. It's a real thing. Again, I don't do blame or guilt. I just want us to be aware of things that can complicate this. And so that hero narrative can also create an expectation that the child should not act out since they were chosen and rescued. Just be aware of it. Now, a common myth I mentioned before that gets uttered a lot is, well, we'll just give this child so much love, it heals them. And I love the sentiment, but it's not enough. Some issues are just deeper. Parents of adopted kids, especially kids with attachment disorders, can often find themselves feeling very isolated and misunderstood because sometimes these kids are able to present a very different, positive, healthy image. To outsiders at school, but then be destructive at home and threaten their parents. I've worked with parents who've had to hide all the knives and sharp objects in the home to lock their bedroom door at night. I'm not trying to induce fear. I want you to know these things happen. They are not isolated and they can happen in really good homes with really good parents. Other people simply don't believe in them. They don't believe in them. They don't believe the child they know could be like that. So it becomes a very lonely place to be after you've had, especially after you've had so much hope, bring this child home and you sacrifice so much for them. And then you feel guilty for regretting that you ever adopted that child. That's a real feeling. That's a normal feeling to have when you have been through this. And I know some may bristle at that, but it's a genuine struggle for many people. Many people do not understand the strain this places on families who spend inordinate amounts of money on therapy and whose marriages are torn apart. Sometimes the family, including the biological children, sometimes the family's destroyed. Just know that going in again, not fear eyes wide open. I do not want you feeling guilty because you are struggling. In many cases, adoption is the most important thing. I'm not talking about the challenges that come with adoption. I am not knocking them, but they have a vested interest in getting kids adopted. And so it's wrong to not prepare parents. And if that has been your experience, I encourage you to tell them so that they can do a better job preparing future families for this journey. So if you are considering adopting a child, or you know what, most of this is just, if you're considering just having a child, it would be helpful to go in being prepared. So I encourage you to do the following. Definitely do your research. Talk to other parents who have adopted. Go in with realistic expectations of yourself and your kids. Two, make sure your marriage is strong and healthy before you adopt. Raising children of any kind will stress your marriage. We talk all the time about our kids strong-willed kids. Of course that's going to stress. And then when you have kids who have trauma, well, that's going to be even harder at times. So I would have very open and honest discussions about questions like this. Hey, how are you? How are we going to respond when your child lies and steals, has emotional meltdowns? When we get calls from the school about persistent behavior issues, talk through those issues about how you were raised as a child. What form of discipline did your parents use? How are you going to break certain patterns? Get on the same page. All prospective parents should have these discussions. I would set aside extra money for additional unexpected therapy. I am not being flippant. I'm not being dramatic. It's reality. I am talking about possibly tens of thousands of dollars. And if you don't end up using, good, that's a win. That can be put toward college or other things. But know that you're probably going to have to get additional therapy that you didn't count on. And I would ask tough questions of yourselves. Are we trying to fill a void in our marriage by adopting this child? Are we hoping this child brings us closer together? Is God really leading us or is this our own emotions compelling us? Look, sometimes we bring God into things so no one can question us. Sometimes we bring God into things so no one can question us or our motives. Just be aware of that. Do you both equally want to adopt? Because what often happens is when things get difficult, one spouse blames the one who wanted it more. This is your fault. I told you I didn't want to do this. And then divorce happens. And that's just brutal. Just know it's going to be hard and possibly harder than you can imagine. I'm not trying to scare you. That doesn't always happen. There are plenty of great stories where it doesn't happen. But it's frequent enough that you should at least be prepared. So let's talk about what you can do proactively if you already have an adopted child who is struggling. So what if you're experiencing issues? Let me answer a couple quick questions now. Then we will devote the entire next episode, a week from today, to answering questions from adoptive parents. And giving specific strategies. So here's a question. Our adopted son never feels like he's good enough. Constantly compares himself. How can we help? Look, this advice is good for all of our kids. But number one, let's focus this next week on creating successes. Create them. Put your child in a position to be successful. To complete missions that they're already good at doing. And then put a lot more energy into affirming for good behavior than just correcting for bad. We'll find out in the next episode. Our kids crave intensity. And what they learn early on is, the quickest way for me to get intensity from a parent or a teacher is to do something wrong. And your kids who are in foster care, kids who were in orphanages, man, a lot of those kids, they learned that early on. And what they do is, their brain associates intensity with connection. But they've been fed sometimes, it's, well, I only get my parents and my teachers, they only give me intensity when I do something wrong. So I really want to put energy into turning that around. So what are some missions, specific jobs to do that your child will succeed at doing? Oh man, I could really use your help doing X. I want to find a lot of things to say yes to within your boundaries. Remember, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, say yes to something appropriate. Give good energy. Oh man, do you really think you can do this? Man, do you think you're strong enough to do that? I would give your kids challenges, do treasure hunts, say things like, bet you can't do X, and then have them complete missions they're good at doing. Here's a weird but helpful idea. Ask a neighbor to ask your child for help doing stuff around their house. Because our kids, when they go to other people's houses, they tend to be really good and really helpful and conscientious. And it means so much when a stranger says to your child, oh man, you are super helpful. Hey, can you come back one day? Because I've got a couple other jobs for you to do. When strangers recognize your gifts and praise you, it kind of means more than when your parents do. And then affirm, give positive intensity to the good choices and to progress, not perfection, lots of fist bumps. Hey, well done. That shows me you're growing up. Hey, really proud of you for how you handled that situation. Short and sweet, intense. Okay, here's another question. Since our daughter was little, she has slept kind of hard against the wall. She's constantly getting in trouble for knocking into other kids at school. Does this relate to anything? And I think what is happening is your daughter finds reassurance and comfort in sensory pressure. She craves it. It actually makes her body feel more settled and probably makes her brain and soul feel more settled. It's connection. It's connection. It's connection. It's connection. It's warmth. It's ordering your body in context of its surroundings. And I used to, when I train teachers a lot, I'd say, hey, watch for this. And this isn't just adopted kids. It's all of our kids with sensory processing needs. A child comes into the room in the morning and his body or her body is craving physical pressure. Well, what's going to happen next? Rumble. Child's going to start rumbling with like three or four boys in the back of their classroom. And then the teacher is going, oh, that's an aggressive child. No, it has nothing to do with aggression. Usually what it has to do with is my body is craving physical pressure and the quickest and easiest way to get it, start wrestling some other kids. And you'll see kids pushing up against walls, how they sit on a chair. Just observe your kids. You'll notice this. So I would begin the day giving your child sensory exercise and pressure. Give teachers, ways to do that. Do it after school and through and even through bedtime. Wake your child up to a treasure hunt, searching for breakfast or a toy in an obstacle course, which I would create in your backyard, in the basement and attic. I don't care where. Let them do physical work outside. If they enjoy that. A lot of our kids love shoveling mulch, shoveling holes, planting things. I have kids who have really enjoyed pulling weeds because watch you're pulling. And then it makes a sound as it comes out out of the door. It's the dirt and you can feel it and you can throw it in a pile and that pile kind of gets higher and higher. There's a lot of satisfaction in doing those things. Anything that involves climbing, crawling, lifting, pulling, pushing things appropriately, it can feel very settling. Some kids like being wrapped like a taco in a blanket. Let them do schoolwork in confined spaces, like under tables at school. Have teachers give your child missions or jobs. Hey, I could really use your help moving those heavy books. Sweeping is helpful. Doing wall pushups at bedtime. Let your kids sleep in a sleeping bag, in a tent, in a closet. Weighted vests can feel good. You can look up a lot of the stuff online. If you look up sensory processing, just don't get freaked out like, oh, this is awful. It's pretty normal. Rather than playing team sports, our kids tend to do better with individual activities. And by the way, it's usually individual activities. That also happened to provide sensory pressure. So that means things like rock climbing, martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, gymnastics, ballet, ice hockey, team sport, but there's a lot of individuality. And it's very, very sensory. Could be even be any kind of ice skating. Anyway, you may find it helpful to schedule an appointment with an OT. Occupational therapists, they're among my favorite people because they are practical, they're positive and they're usually amazing with kids. So start there. We're going to dig into a lot of the deeper issues next week, right? Those kids that have that thing inside that feels like you just can't fill it. If you've and many more questions, if you found this helpful, please share this with other parents and maybe even support groups. We'd like to help as many parents and kids as possible. If you're ever interested in our programs, reach out to Casey because we can help you financially. If you've spent so much money on this, we want to help. So just reach out to Casey. We'll help you out with that because our programs will help with these things. Thank you. Thank you for working so hard at this. Moms, dads, guardians, caregivers, grandparents. We have so much respect for you. Thank you for listening to the podcast, for sharing it with others. And we'll be back same time next week with part two of the adoption series. Okay. All right. Love you all. Talk soon. Bye-bye. Thank you.