Dimorphous Expression w/ Are You Garbage?

Hey, bad friends. Come see me live. I am running around the country. I'm going to be in San Francisco at the punchline at the end of October, Halloween weekend. Then I'm in Braya. Braya come out and see me. Braya, California, November, Tempe, Improv returning to Arizona state. I'm in Hammond, Indiana in November around Thanksgiving, Windsor, Ontario, Canada, Bethlehem, PA, Hanover, Maryland, Atlantic City, New Jersey, and then Valley Center with the heroes down there in Southern California by San Diego. And then also Canyonville, Oregon, February, and then finally, Win Casino. I'm at the win in Las Vegas in March. Come see me at the win in Las Vegas, baby. Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino dot com. You two are bad friends. You are these two idiots. You two are disgusting. You two are something bad friends. I went to the doctor last night. And it would happen though. Two nights ago. Well, I saw it close up. Is there a wife beating you? Are you okay? Blink twice. Of all people that's talking about their wife beating them. You're the biggest I've ever met King. You get pegged every night because I want to know. That's what they all say. It's sexual assault every night. No, you know what it is? A tear. So we guessed what this was in my eye. My eye got worse. It's called blepharitis. Blepharitis. How do you get it? Infection of the gland within the eye. It could have been like dirt or whatever got up in my eye. Yeah. And then Bobby touch you. Bobby touch you. You're he's on one today. You want a fight today? Yeah, I did. You are. I miss it. Yeah. He said something to me earlier. I had to physically assault him. What do you say? It was something about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got a lot of nerve, dude. I went into the urgent care. Urgent care took two, no less than two and a half, three hours to even get in. And then when we get in and goes, who poked you in the eye? Really? And I said life. And she goes, Oh, that's a good one. And she goes, this looks infected. It actually looks pretty bad. We should get this Medicaid here. This is the worst part when you go to a doctor. She goes, we're going to get you eye drops. You have to do two every four hours, two in your eye, right? And antibiotics, just general amoxicillin or whatever. I go, great. We should knock it right out, right? Like I've had styes or whatever before she goes, yeah, we don't want it to spread. And I was like, why would you say that? Well, if it spreads, it can go to your brain. Whoa. And you can die. Oh, you know what they say too is if you, this triangle of your face, when you get acne and if you pop it, you could die too. What? Yeah. Where? It's called a triangle of face sadness. Oh, I saw that movie. Yeah. No, I'm saying that they're saying that if you pop the shit, they, the internet, dude, yeah, my doctor read it. Doctor Reddit said this. No. What is the, what would I just say? Danger triangle face? You shouldn't pop up people on the danger triangle on your nose? Oh, my nose. Why? Why is it so dangerous? Think of a small segment of your face as the direct line to your brain. So through this sinus blood drain from your brain infection in the, in the danger triangle, like pick from a pimple nose piercing gone wrong, possibility of a facial infection to become an infection that impacts the rest of your body. Can't really kill you. Don't panic. You're probably not going to die from pop it a pimple on your nose, but technically speaking, it's impossible. It's possible. It's possible. Technically. Or you, you could get a brain abscess brain infection. Wow. This is real. Okay. So this thing in my eye though, she was like, yeah, no, it's okay. But I mean, you know, it could, if it spreads to your brain, you could die. And I was like, I, with, what? Why would you say that? Well, the possibilities. I didn't want to know. Doctors are supposed to give you the possibilities. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I'm the doctor. Yeah. Doctor Lee, yes. It'll, you're right. We looked at your eye. Yeah. What happened with my eye? You could die. I, my eye, I could die. You could also go blind from blepharitis. Yeah. Freddie Mercury. That's what he had. Yeah. He had something to think in his eye. Really? Yeah. Why did I go to a doctor? I'm a doctor. Okay. All right. Your master doctor. Chevron. Oh, yeah. Chevron station. Office. Oh, thank you. What race do you think that was? Sudanese? No. What? What do you think? Bangladesh. Yeah. East Ethiopia. Oh, I was doing East Ethiopia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look up gas station robberies now in Sherman Oaks. Big thing in the valley here. They're robbing people at gas stations. I'm not going anymore. I'm not getting gas. I'm just running out and then I call AAA. They gun butted that guy. Some guy had like a Rolex or something on and they gun butted him. Then it just happened another week ago. Some guy, he got out of his car gun, gun butted him. They're just robbing people at gas station. What's a gun butt? What's a gun butt? Yeah. Yeah. They hit that, they hit you in the face with it. Oh, the butt of the gun. And let me say this. We say this to a thief. Yeah. Just shoot me. Don't gun butt me in the head. I don't want to fucking just kill me. Shoot me, baby. Gun butts knock you out. The butt of a gun is heavy. They're hitting you in the face with a gun. What are they taking your car? Anything. They've taken car, jewelry, clothes, cash, clothes. They left a man naked and van nice. That's why when I pump gas. Don't pump gas. I have a lighter. You do. And I have the fucking thing, right? Gun butt me, dude. All right. You Vietnam monk. Remember those Buddhist months of Vietnam? That's what's going to happen. Yeah. I like the whole place. You're going to be lit on a fire dog. And also, there's nothing to steal except for my wallet. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Or your car. They can steal your car. There's Bobby. Gun butt me, dog. Yeah. I'm also dude. You know, it's so awful. What if that was an accident? He was just trying to get gas for that guy's car that ran out. Yeah. Gas. Fuck. My question is, is that like, you know, why they did that? It was for, well, it was a peaceful protest, right? No, they're protesting the oppressive Saigon regime. It's a protest, right? Whatever happened to me, just making a sign. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like protest. That's a little too far from me. Make a sign. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like stop Buddhist hate. That'd be me. All the people are lying to themselves of fire. I stop Buddhist hate right here with the sign. Like that's don't you think that's extreme? That's don't do. I think that's just, yeah, dude, a little bit. The guy lit himself on fire. Like I'm a Vietnamese monk. You're a Vietnamese monk, right? Yeah. I go, we got to oppress this. We have to say gun with you. What do you think we should do, Tony? Yeah, in the street. No, no, that's too, too nice. I'm not gonna do much. Okay. What else do you think we should do? Get our friends together to bond together to create a community of people that have an idea. What? We should not suffer. No. No. Extreme forms of protests and couples violent tactics, terrorism, welfare, vandalism, extreme non-violent it. Great album cover though. Rage against the machine. That was one of the greatest. Great album. They got a lot of flack for that. Didn't they get a lot of flack for that? Album covers that got flack. You know what? Interesting topic because McCone, you and I were talking the other day about Pusha T's famous album with a picture of Whitney Houston's dying hotel room. Daytona. Did you ever see this? No, I want to see it. They had a photo on the cover of this wonderful album by Pusha T and that is the photograph of Whitney Houston's hotel room when she was found dead. Oh my god, dude. And there's bottles of whiskey and vodka. And then whenever there's tin foil, you know, tin foil is no good. Why? People smoke crack out of tin foil. Okay. I put like a bubble gum in there. You do. Yeah. Don't make it. You know what? Andrew, don't make assumptions. You're right. I'm a good detective. The tin foil is there for various reasons. You said I was a good detective. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The Beatles yesterday and today write another controversial album cover. Do you know why this was controversial? Because there's babies heads and stuff. No, because look who's in the back. It's three in the front and one in the back. A little rude. A little rude. Very odd to put him in the back, by the way. Yeah. Why would why'd they do that? Asterix composing. Asterix composing. What's your favorite album? Asterix composing. Asterix composing. What's my favorite album of all time? No album cover. Oh. I'll tell you mine. Go. Captain Beef Heart, Trout Mask replica. Look it up, dude. Yeah. Sounds like one of those mad libs. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's pretty cool. I love that one. That's good. I was going to give you something like blood sugar sex magic. Okay. I think I like blood sugar sex magic from chili pepper so much because it was also like a time in my youth. It was like something about the time of like the sexiness of the album cover. Well, I don't know why I liked it so much as a kid, but I love that. It's like lick. They're all tongue licking of like, I don't know why I thought that was bad ass. No. I liked mother's milk because there was a titty on it. That one was great too. Same thing. Another chili peppers. Yeah, dude. That was a poster. You go over to some kids house name Ryan and he was like, she my new fucking poster, dude. Can I tell you this? My mom's for livid about it, dude. My dad was like hang it up. Can I tell you what just happened with me and Anthony Kitas? Yeah. So I've never talked about this though. For some reason, this is 20 years ago. Kitas Chris Rock was in the main room and Kitas saw me. Right. Cool. And then Kitas came up to me and goes, Oh, you're really funny. This and that. Right. So then Kitas would go around town just to watch my sets. Right. Like following you. Yeah. And name night or many. No, just throughout the months. Wow. We're being very friendly. I got his number and the whole thing. Right. And then on the other side of one day, I do this show in at L. Sid in silver. Right. Yeah. He brought the whole band out there to come see you. Yeah. Wow. You're in the front row. I bombed so hard. Is that there? Is that no, this is a wait a year later. I bought him so hard that he didn't talk to me for like 10 years I'm not kidding you. It was night and day like I ate it that hard. No way. Oh, no It was I still remember the show. I remember their faces. There was nothing I could do I didn't have the skill set to dig me out of this hole, okay? Yeah, and then he just recently goes because you know, he has a Music observatory like thing that he does with flea yeah, and they do a a yearly Benefit show and they asked me to host it. I can't because of Irvine and I was I almost canceled Irvine to do it Yeah, that's would you no? Post a benefit show. Yeah, you're gonna tank at that too. He's gonna see you tank 20 years Benefit show suck. It's so hard to do well at yeah Because people are kind of uncomfortable and they're there like in their stiff and they're dressed up It's not like a relaxed atmosphere. I mean we like doing benefits, but stand up No, I'd rather just show up give you money and be a part of the thing Yeah, but you would have done it if you didn't have something to do. I don't know man I don't like doing those things they give me the bomb you bomb harm bomb you eat shit at the same. Yeah, nobody wants stand up at a bed They're like we're raising money for sick kids who have cancer of the brain ladies and gentlemen bobby literally It's fucking impossible to do. Well you bomb at I just it's bad. What's your opening lane? What's up everybody? What's eating you? Let me tell you guys what's on my head. Yeah, yeah, step right on that Step right on it. What was it? I said I want to tell you guys what's on my mind. Oh Fuck every after every punchline. I go think about it Think about it. Yeah, yeah, all right rain it in let's rain it. Yeah, by the way after after you ate shit He made stadium Arcadium. So was that your fault? You have your Obama front of a like up some of that you didn't want to bomb in front of famous people. Yeah, I mean I bobbed in front of rock pretty pretty pretty horrifically at the store in the OR And I think from that he's never really taken me serious because he sat in the bucket seats He was staying at the hotel nearby came over sometimes he stays in LA and just doesn't do a spot. Yeah, he'll just come by He's so nice using the bucket seats and he watched me. I mean torrential It was like it was it it was so fucking bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I brought on for him or someone afterwards And I'm sure for him fucking crushed because he always does and I just was working out new shit in the OR and it was late night Dude, did you wait? Did you know he was there? I saw him so before you knew he was there. Yeah, it drove me nuts No, no, this is what you do then he sat down and I was like fuck then you go I have to kill Don't do the new stuff. I have to kill it was 1145. It was like a late spot and I was like fuck it Okay, I was just trying new shit Bobby are they're famous people every time you perform? What do you mean? Is that why you don't do new material? Oh, this guy. Okay Is he looking for a fight dude? Yeah Give it to him. No, give it to him. I have some things I could say about No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's dark stuff I know some dark stuff and I'm not gonna do it because you like to go personal. Yeah, he really does didn't I have so many new jokes What I know it is good. I told you that last time you let me the why would you say the job because you didn't roll down the window or acknowledge me Oh, my point being is is this okay that I'm doing everything I can to come out with new stuff I'm taking risks on stage and for foot for McCone to say that joke again It's really hurtful and rude. You're talking to one of the top 25 working comics today. Okay, I just Top 25,000 Yeah, we saw this whole thing and let me let me clear the air real fast Let me say something genuine about this Theo Vaughn is someone we've known for a long long time. I can't right now I just want to I want to say my piece. I hope he's okay. I just texted you texted me yesterday I know I texted him too, but I'm saying like I texted him that doesn't mean shit He's going through something very deep on stage You know that clip is gross of him saying I'm trying not to take my own life And I think people think that was like a bit and I he's really in a dark place So I we wish him the greatest and I was texting with a lot of other comics because I think it's a yeah, I know there's a comedy show. I just I'll wrap it up real fast I'm just saying I think people don't know I know I think people don't know that we some of us suffer from actual real clinical shit And I have I have clinical depression. I have very dark days you guys we guys have lived through my shit He's got it very bad. I'm sorry, but I think fucking people just think you're a clown and you're like you're not a human Well, he's a fucking human So my heart goes out to the guy because I know he's struggling a lot. So We love him. I really do. Oh Sorry, sorry to be fucking honest for three seconds on the show. What do you want to do another Filipino accent? Huh east Ethiopian Welcome to several whatever my down I don't know I'll just say my okay, so um We the reason why I love Theo so much is that I have the same exact Tivities and vulnerabilities as he has we have the same kind of issues. Yeah mentally, you know And when I see when I saw that clip it was far break. It was so heartbreaking because I understood Where were you was at and I I reached out to him and I all I can do is a friend is say I'm here 24/7. I'm just available and I'm really concerned for him. I mean, I you know, he You know, he seems to be fine But I'm still very concerned for him. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's a It's a very difficult thing to To survive mental health issues in this kind of environment because it's so fucking hostile out there Particularly when it's wrapped in fame and success I know people are like crime or river rich guy, but like he's very successful and he's so famous and that does a thing to you It's like inundation of attention And so it it it really distorts your sensibility sometimes when you're as You know kind of popular and wanted and everyone's around you and they want something and he needs something and I don't think people understand that and they never and that's okay Also, people don't understand that he is such a kind soft sensitive kind of a guy. Yeah, he has to but we all put on him He's so mindful about his feelings and above people around him. He's Just I just care so much about him and um You read things about your friends and you just want to say you got it wrong, buddy, you know, it's like not him Yeah, and it's like People say things about me you this and that and I get it, you know, it's and it's just A double-edged sword Yeah, you learn it towards I love swords. Yes, you're a big sword. I'm a sword guy katana's especially You know, I did get on a big kick of watching Japanese guys sharpen swords enough to drop a blade through a pineapple I sat for hours on the internet watching this guy sharpen a blade so he could drop it. It's clean through a pineapple Okay, I feel like I can do that. No, you fucking can't you drop a sword onto a pineapple patience You have the patience to shave that to a fine point you do not have that What do you mean even but by you saying this he literally would hold the handle and hold the blade and then drop the blade and hold the handle with his fingertip You can edit He doesn't edit you can't edit you can do it 10,000 times until you get it. I can do a cartwheel I could do a cartwheel by the go do one What is a cartwheel show me it and I'll do it entrance on letterman do it. That's one of my favorite entrances of all time Chris Farley everybody look at him Yes, look at how perfect I it's so I can't do that That was insane by the way. He tried to do three watch go back. Yeah, he bailed on the third. Yeah, god This guy was the king of fucking comedy go all the way back go all the way back all the way back so we can see it from fresh One two watch go three and he's like oh shit God Farley's the man Oh my god, dude. He was so good. I know He was so good throwing over to spades house and seeing that jacket the fat guy in a little coat jacket And then he falls off the back of the chair. I mean That jacket I told spade. I was like I I know you'd never sell that But I mean good god. I'd pay so much money if he if he was still alive. We would probably know him Do you think or not? I don't if you'd know us, but I mean if you were still alive He'd be the most famous comedian in the world. Yeah, I mean you would still probably he could be at spades house one day And you could say hi. Yeah, that's how we could see that spades house, but also he probably wouldn't Yeah, what I don't know. I just you know when you're in that what he was as big as he was and as much as he was in it It was almost like what's the other side that look like when he gets clean? You know, you probably go away from comedy You get clean and you level out right because it was so much. He'd be on the it wasn't big no 100% yeah, yeah, you and him would be doing Oz commercials together Oh, Zampka look at the lineup Tommy boy Beverly Hills Ninja black sheep coneheads almost heroes Wayne's world Airheads Wayne's world - god dude the guy was literally just getting started and as we know Shrek the original voice to Shrek we talked about it on the show before also he didn't do because at one point you tried to go serious He didn't do like a serious role No, the only role that you eventually he would have you know, I mean totally like the whale too Okay Super well The blue whale What okay God rest the dead. I'm sorry. That was me and god what too soon. That was good. Okay, but even like John Candy did JFK and he was great in that. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying Candy showed moments of brilliance in every comedic role, but he did serious stuff all the time The difference was Farley had soft and fun sweet moments nothing like Candy Candy and Uncle Buck Candy and Plains trains Candy and fucking candy in home alone Dude the guy he showed moments of like Unbelievable cool runnings a movie that was such a wacky. He was sweet in that Yeah, one of the greatest one of the greatest one of the greatest He him John candy John Goodman to me will like one as a kid were two like the coolest funny guys and Goodman Wasn't your traditional comedic actor but he was so funny. Yeah like King Ralph is one of the best movies I think I've ever seen conceptually. I don't know why we haven't done that again. I haven't we done King Ralph again We're a fucking regular Midwest like blue collar guy inherits the keys to the royal kingdom And then a genius concept your your great uncle left you the keys To the kingdom. Yeah, that not even listed on his filmography King Ralph. I remember as a kid watching stripes Oh, he wasn't in that fucking love. So those movies this movie was so good. It's one king Ralph I never saw King Ralph. Oh, dude. It's so fucking good, isn't it? John Goodman John Goodman Peter. How do we go from candy to Goodman? I said these two guys were kind of comedic heroes when I was a kid. I don't remember. I didn't see that Listen to a word. I'm saying I Was trying to think I'll take. Can I tell you why I'll tell you what just happened need disconnect? I just can't not only just disconnect somebody picked up the phone in the internet cut out. Yeah, mom I'm on the fucking. No, I was trying. I was trying to think of the movie stripes So while you were talking about the whole thing about Goodman I was like near not even listening. I said, what is that movie? You never listen to me. Of course I do We go bang bang bang bang. When's my birthday October 6th? No Don't look at your phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not October 6th. No It's gotta be October 6th. That's not October 16th. Fuck 10 days, but I knew it was six. Yeah, that was true. 6 October 16th. Are you upset? I didn't know. Yeah Simply safe. Oh my god. Safe is real security that stops crime before it starts. So you you gave me simply I did We helped you install it. I installed it right and I have a couple of Filipinos living at the house You have too many Filipinos and seven and seven animals, right? And now I feel completely safe because you're you you guys You got to know if you want to trust something you got to trust simply safe to keep your home family property Whatever it is important safe. That's why you need simply safe like Bobby. He's got cameras. He's got monitors now He's got motion detectors. It's a game changer. It's a game the agents take action while the intruder is still inside the house That's right. They're there for you when they're there. Yeah for you. 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They don't have that but everything else all right And you can even find a same day opening if they have it once you find the right doctor You can actually see their appointments right in front of your face So how do they get zock dock stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to zock dock dot com slash bad friends to find and instantly book a top-ready doctor today That's zo c d o c dot com slash bad friends zock dock dot com slash bad friends Let's take old movies like that and see some of the new comics that could fill those. Okay, it's very injured three amigos Oh my god Me you No, okay, you're right Wouldn't it wouldn't I'd like to put us in something because I can't get any work. I know me either But I get some fucking work, but they would they would imagine a studio you and I could do playing strange automobiles And it would be fucking amazing. That'd be amazing. I mean how much more am I Steve Martin to his John candy? I mean genuinely. Yeah, we'd have to get you off the ozampic though I think I wait you have to wait to make it funny, but don't do your studio would be like okay three amigos Let's go to set a kiss first. Let's go to these kind of people first or no. Yeah, but that's fucking boring I know that's not a shot at him. That's what they would do. Give me someone. We're making our world No, I'm gonna say Yeah, from a studio except I would be like uh Santino or Sudacas probably Sudacas. All right, let me say this Our ecosystem our ecosystem that we're talking about. We have friends that we know. All right, so here we go three amigos Well, you're obviously the you're obviously the Chevy chase part and fucking I mean that would what I would want. Yeah, who's Steve Martin then Steve Martin would be Nate Pagazzi perfect. Yeah, and then you are a little netty need a lander. No, there's no way they would pick me Where it's for us. Who are you talking about? We're casting this move. No, no, I'm going to be the bargitender Freddie Asperger's this part. He'sparagus. Yeah, yeah, it's my little smile. Yeah, smile, smile Who would be who would be who would be little netty need a lander? Oh, yeah, who would be that martin short netty need a lander who would be him? I want to be a dusty bottom so bad That's a tough. That's a tough and who would be Patrice Martinez the one of the the first girl that he falls in love with this Steve falls in love with who would be her? Oh shit Angela Johnson Angela Johnson. Yeah, I'm trying to think of a little. Yeah, it's got to be like Who's the most famous Latino comedian? Angela Johnson. Oh Sophia Nino Di Rivera. What? Annabelle Ferreira. I mean, I don't know any of these. I mean fancy shouldn't you know Sophia Nino the Rivera. Shut up It's so annoying. Wow. Yeah, he'll be her. Have her on the show Hey, is this hurricane going to hit Florida or is this bullshit? Let's fucking do more hurricanes remember that when we were kids. I feel like it happened all the time Hurricane what is that email? Da before casters are monitoring hurricane email, though, which is am I saying that right email? Why do they they name it names like that? And it goes in alphabetical order hurricanes are given names to improve public and professional communication making storms easier to identify track and discuss Especially when multiple storms are active Right because they've got sometimes there's three hurricanes going on at the same time. I like when they combined Oh, when they hook up. Oh, that's my favorite when they hook up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah When they don't know and then when they combine their bigger or a horror orgy. Yeah. Yeah. So the horror That's a movie we're like six come into one or you have two natural events happen earthquake and so two two hurricanes that meet You know and then an earthquake in the ocean love which causes a tsunami just It just happens, right? It's a tornado sweeping through the Midwest. Yeah, yeah, he does on the west coast. Yeah, yeah And then it just happens at one place and we all die No, just it'll happen in Okay, rapture Rapture What happened to the rapture? What happened to the rapture? Excuse me. Yeah, excuse me What happened to the rapture? What happened though? Did anyone it said it's back on was anyone raptured? Here's a new date The Christians believe it. Oh, there's a new one think of the rendezvous. Wait, it was two weeks ago, right? Yeah, what day was it rapture? I don't know, but it was a Tuesday. I think let's see go down Let's see rapture 2025 prophecy may be expected to occur on the 23rd or 24th. That's right. It didn't happen failed to materialize Yeah, an anti-climax led to dismiss it a long light of unfulfilled doomsday claims. However, some believers say it's still common South African pastor Joshua Michaela Who has been well, I mean that's I didn't need to Joshua Michaela. I don't know how to say it. It's like it's like Michaela, you know what I did on the 23rd. I was waiting for the rapture. I was in my backyard completely naked. Do you know why I was naked? Why because when when you have your clothes on it leaves where you left I want that to be a mystery Where's Bob? Yeah, where's Bobby? I don't want them to know where I you know, I mean I feel like if I was raptured No one would believe it. I mean people would think Bob. You're on one people like he relapses on one Yeah, yeah, I don't think that like if people were right and how stupid are I be like you guys don't get it He was raptured and they're like okay dude. Where is he? Yeah, yeah, where I mean if you were a rapture Do you think he would believe it for sure? I'm rapturable, too. I don't think you're raptorable. Come on Dude, I keep tempting the rapture, I think. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, who would, I don't know, dude. - I'm not rapturable. - Well, I don't think so. If I'm not rapturable, you're not rapturable. - Well, you're, okay, fine. A person raptured is according to some Christian beliefs when they're a true believer in Jesus Christ. - Okay, I believe in Jesus. - I believe in Jesus. Now you're done. - Oh, damn it. - Is that the pre-record was it? - Say it again. - I love that. And you did it good on that second one. - Is that not how he said? - That is a pre-requisite to being raptured. - Yeah. - You must believe. - Okay, what if I have all the other ones except for that one? - Well, you got to talk to the guy. Imagine he gets up to fuck, you know what I mean? He gets up. - What are the conditions about rapture? Do you have that? - I think it's just that. - You got to believe? - That's the only thing. - That's it. - You got to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and save your honor. - I just did it. - Seriously? - Yeah, I just did it, dude. - Well, you're gonna get raptured, right? - Yeah, yeah. - Okay. - I don't think you believe that. - There's a few. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, give me the few. - Wait, hold on, but imagine we all get raptured and we're waiting in line. And Jesus is like, that's probably naked. (laughing) We all have clothes on. - Yeah, yeah. - He's like, I'm just like, - And one of the apostles is like, that's a bit he does from his show. - Yeah. - And he's like, Jesus, he's gonna give you a pub shot when he's here. (laughing) - Receive Jesus Christ. You receive in the fundamental steps to believing in Jesus Christ, accept Him as your Lord and Savior and repent for your sins. Read and study the Bible. No, you don't. Pray and confess, you do. Live a faithful life, you do. Join a healthy church, you don't. Be patient and endure, you do. Is that it, just six? - Yeah. - No, yeah. So understand the event, no, it's coming. So we gotta get you to a church is really what it is. - No, so you, do you pray and repent? - I pray. - I pray too. - Yeah, I pray a lot. - Yeah, yeah. - I pray for people. I pray for the show that fancy gets replaced. - 'Cause what else do you do? I've never seen you go to church. - You don't talk to God. - I've never seen you go to church. - What do you mean, I do? I go to church every Sunday. That's why we came to the show on Sunday mornings. - Do you really go to church every Sunday morning? - Have I missed, how many Sundays have I missed? McCone knows. - I mean, none. - Sometimes he comes and watches the dog. - Are you kidding me, dude? You go to church every Sunday? - What, what do you, stop? - Not up for on the road. - Stop, stop for a second. - Yeah, we cannot. - Stop for a second. - Let's stop for a second. - Okay. - May I speak? - Please. - Okay. That says a lot about our relationship. - Why? - 'Cause you've never invited me. You don't want me to be saved. - Do you know churches at 8 a.m., right? - It doesn't matter. You don't want at least one time, like, hey bud, do you wanna go? - Do you think you could get up at 8 to go to church for real? - I went to-- - And you only. - I go up at Sunday mornings and I go to third and gardener, which is an early A meeting. I go to that. - That's a 10/30, you said. - Yeah. - Okay, you wanna go two and a half hours. - But you think I sleep? You think I sleep when I go to third and gardener? No, I stay up all night. - Well, that's not good. - That's my point. I would go if you try to save me, but you don't want me to go. You don't want me to go to heaven. - I want you to go to heaven. - Yeah, but then why wouldn't you invite me? - Okay, look. - You don't want me saved. - I want you to go to heaven, but I do think I've already put in a couple of requests and they've been-- - It's invite only? What do you mean? Request from Jesus? - It's like Raya. - You can get in, but it's like you gotta have a few people to vouch for you. And also if you've-- - You've been banned. - Yeah, you got banned from heaven, but. - But honestly, if you wait a couple of weeks, I'll lift the ban. - Can I come with me? - What's the church called? - I'm not telling them I'm a fucking error. - You wanna come? - Yeah. - Let's go. - And what do you wear? - A dashiki. (laughing) What do you mean, you wear street clothes? - Oh really? - Where whatever you want. - Where's the church? That's old school shit. That's old fucking funny dutty. - It's honestly, I'm so shocked that you go to church. - But you can't wear shorts. - Have you ever seen-- - Jesus don't like knees. - Have you ever seen me wear shorts? - Yeah, not really. - Yeah, exactly. - Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen you. No, that's not true. - On a beach, yes. - We've gone swimming together and I've seen you in church. - Yeah, no. Yeah, you've seen me in-- - Yeah. - I've seen you a little thong. - Yeah, cute. - Those little black things. - Little black thongs? (laughing) - Yeah, they were so funny. - Yeah. - That's sexy. - That's an album cover. What is that? - It's for the braille. - Oh, a flyer for braille. - Mm. - God, the kids got a much better body now. I gotta tell you, you should reshoot that photo now. - Yeah. - You should reshoot some of those old like, like nudy photos and see what you look like now. - God, look at how young the kid is. - Oh my God, look at how young I am. - We want you to be saved. I want you to be saved and the fans want you to be saved. And I believe you can do it. - Yeah, I wanna go. But that rupture talk was really scary and I just, - Oh buddy. - I don't know what's up behind. - You're gonna be saved. You know why? 'Cause you have a good heart and a good soul. The number one rule I believe in all religions is to try to be a good person. And you're a great person. And that is your entry ticket to the afterlife. - Yeah, but I've giggled it a couple of funerals before. - Funerals can be funny. - But they've been intrigued. I've been, every time I'm in a funeral, I do, there's a laugh attack. - Oh yeah, who said that there's supposed to be sad? - Yeah. - Why are they sad? - Like my brother and I were at a funeral once and we heard a knock. - Is it closed casket? - It was closed casket but we heard like that, right? And I looked at my brother and we just collapsed on the ground. - It's so funny. - Started laughing. - It's funny. - I know, but still you're not supposed to laugh. Do you ever have a laugh fit where you're not supposed to laugh when I'm uncomfortable? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Because you don't know how to feel. - Yeah. - You know, like I learned something the other day that this is, this demorphous expression is the phenomenon of displaying two contradictory expressions or actions in response to a single intense emotion. Such as crying when happy or feeling or just squeeze a cute object. Yeah, sometimes you feel so overwhelmed. You do something you usually wouldn't. I laugh sometimes when I want to cry. - Yeah. - You know? - When feelings are too emotional for me. - Dude, demorphous expression. - I've never even heard of that before. - What's up, San Diego? We're demorphous expression. (laughing) - It's bawling while they play. - Who's demorphous expression? - That's a great abandon. - Or it's a great album, demorphous expression. I've literally never learned. We're learning new shit. I had someone I know they had someone in their family do assisted suicide. - Oh no. - Which is kind of crazy. Well, because usually people that do it do it because they have a terminal illness. And they're like, well, I don't want this to get progressively worse. I want to say goodbye. But this is kind of a crazy story. The person like had through themselves a goodbye party or whatever, you know, these living funerals is like a big thing that people do now. - Yeah. - But they kept pushing back the date of the, because they had a couple of like secondaries of like, maybe I don't know. Let's move it back a little bit. - What do you mean? - Like they kept changing the date of the assisted suicide because they kind of had a, probably a few good weeks or something. It's fucked up because don't you think after you do that, you'd be like, I don't want to do it. If I bailed once, I don't know if I could go through with it. - Yeah, that's a dark thing. - It's crazy. I'm not, it's just like, it's hard. - I don't know how to spend this, but yeah. - Spin it, spin it, spin it. - Pretty dark. - Spin it, I know it's in there. - Yeah, I don't like physical pain. - You don't want to experience any physical pain. - I think once the physical pain is just even if morphine or any of these drugs stop working. - Yeah. - I just, I feel like I'm gonna move on. - You ever had morphine? - Like when I was in Vietnam. - Like a drip. (laughing) - Yeah. - Like a drip. - On the field, yeah. - Like a drip. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do they gave me that shit when I had my torn ligaments and my leg? - Wow. - Yum. It's unfucking real. You feel, I mean. - Oh, it's warm sunshine. - Yeah. - It makes me go heroin. Yes, yes, yes. - It's not surprising why people are addicted to all these, you know, opiates. - No, of course not. - Morphine drip is the continuous intravenous administration of the opioid pain medication Morphine IV dog. Drip, drip, drop. A drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. I got that drip. I got that drip, drip, drip. I got that drip. Just two IVs in my arms. I'm just drooling. - Wow. - It does feel good. - It does feel good. - It's bad news, bears. You know when you get on it. You know, they're like, be careful. 'Cause it's fun. - You know what? I think it's the last five years of my life than when I'm 70. I think I'm gonna do it. - 70, the last five. That's the, what are you talking about? - I think I'm 75, I'm done. - You're living way past 80s. - I'm 70. I think I'm gonna go. You know what? I'm gonna liquidate everything. And I'm just gonna shoot heroin. - Please don't. - Yeah, or fentanyl. There's a new fentanyl. There's a super fentanyl, right? But I think I'm just gonna boom, boom. You can come over to my little apartment. I'm gonna, I'm gonna downsize. - I'm gonna downsize. - Yeah, and I'm just gonna drip my way into heaven. - Super fentanyl? - There's a new fentanyl, dude. Super fentanyl. - Car fentanyl? Extreme potency. Synthetic opioid estimate, maybe 100 times more potent than morphine. Damn, dude. - It's on the street, though. - Give that to me in the hospital, dog. To like, Andrew, you just have a paper cut. I'm like, "I need it." - Who took fentanyl was like, "Nah, it's not enough." You know what I mean? - Well, probably 'cause they're fucking used to it. They've, they've, they've, their tolerance is too high. - Do a little extra fentanyl, then. - Now that's not gonna work. Listen, Charlie, Charlie Sheen was like, I was banging seven gram rocks. I was like, "Fuckin', go." - Yeah. - He couldn't get enough. - That was the greatest documentary. I love that documentary. - We were talking about that for days. - Dude, it's so. - That documentary, what in this, what a life. And the thing that got him sober was like, incredible. - Yeah. - Happy, he did. Shinzi's, AKA Charlie Sheen. Did you see Jason Bayman's new show, Black Rabbit? - Yeah, everyone's talking about it. - Better good. - Yeah. - It's very good and Jude Law. Yeah, you lost so good. Yeah, and the new Paul Thomas Andersen movie everyone saying great so good a lot people are saying It's good, but I've seen a little bit of other sides actually people say that they don't like it yourself. Yeah, I'm gonna you want to go watch it I'll go. Yeah, let's do it this way. Let's go. Yeah, I love you. Would you watch it again? I'm gonna go watch it again Wow, you are because you have no life. I like go to movies. Are you dating anybody right now? Are you single? I'm single you taking anybody out on dates? No, I like to go to movies by myself because I can get a better seat Yeah, I agree. I do like going to movies as well by myself, but you're not seeing anybody at all I'm just gonna go on a date, but I don't know why don't you be honest because you talked to me that how badly you want to have love You're like interested badly in love the program is the people now watch the show so Fancy yeah, you know, I will get you back to Spain pretty fat Keep that vibe up. Yeah, I don't like watching movies with somebody because they I get influenced by them Yeah, if they laugh or if that yeah, yeah, I'll be sitting next to somebody like I was watching Superman With like three other people my brother dumbfounded and Jean And I'm watching it. I'm like I'm trying to get into it. What's that combined IQ in that room? Sorry, I'm trying to get into it Fuck you dude. That's my friend group and family. What the fuck your brother dumbfounded Jean Hong is yeah, he's get you over a hundred Yeah, and I and I turned to my brother and my brother just goes Yeah, as soon as he did that I was like, oh, it's bad No, that's just and then ruined the whole thing I know you know, I mean or like somebody will just be like With their eyes closed. Yeah, yeah, I took my dad to Lord of the Rings the two towers sleeping dude Because he never seen the first one or the third one right because the third one was an out And I just remember just open it my what going on right in the beginning just watch Yeah, and then like five minutes and he's just that it just it deepened godly be gone Yeah, but he works a lot. He has no interest in you know, I mean works. What was he interested in he's never seen a move He you know my dad was one of those immigrants that was like He doesn't know what music is I've got to talk about this before. I know, but it's so funny Not as a music. He doesn't know what music is turn it on. He's like I mean, yeah, but right before he died, right? I had air pods the translation ones. No, what's no? No, and he was like I know what you're saying After all those years. I love Roy radio head Yeah, in rainbows is amazing Yeah, oh we had fishes. What's this? I don't yeah, so he we put in Eric Clapton Recona. Sorry. Yeah, I reckon we put Eric Clapton and what's that song tears in that tears in heaven? Here's in heaven. Oh god Put it in we play it. Never heard music before in his life. No, I mean obviously he's in the elevator in a mall He hears it in the ambiance of it Pure He gets to the pearly gates like I'm sorry sir. What do you keep singing a song? Yeah, did he smile through the song? No, and he's he's like we play and he's like kind of sitting there and then a Singled here. No, I swear to God comes out his face and It was the first time he ever So you take the next one I saw you in everyone. I Must be strong. It's how it goes. I must be strong Because I know I don't be wrong Brother and this about his kid falling out of window. Yeah, we didn't explain that to him He was doing cocaine and about I don't know what the story was. Was he doing cocaine? I don't know He was he loved cocaine traditionally. He was song about it But it's about it. It's about his son falling out of a fucking 50 thords that 50 third story apartment. How do you move on after that? God, how do you how do you move on after that 53 floors like this? No I mean so long so many stories Sorry, oh my god, it's so long. How long is that that's a long time long time, man? Oh my god That's so much to it. Yeah, yeah forever. Yeah Oh look who's here come on in prince sit down in these chairs Did you guys lock the door? No, we left it open for you. What's wrong with that? You don't like that? Jack black did it. 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That's money That's cash app cash app as a financial services platform not a bank banking service is provided by cash apps bank partners Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC instant discounts provided by cash app a block incorporated Brent visit cash out App slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures It's your hair wet or just greasy wet. Okay shower. Okay How you look good though look at the lettuce on the kitchen. Don't get defensive. You're doing all right. Ask you a fucking question man. Your hair looks good too Looks nice I feel like it does you cut it looks stylish introduce our fucking guest and you look Kevin Ryan H. Foley from Ari Garbage Let it jump in Ari Garbage is in the house Happy to be here. Do you like the chair? Hate the chair. Why do you hate the chair? I'm a fat pig. I feel like biggie This is what biggie felt like this whole career Give me the loot. Give me the loot That's the one phrase. You know I'm not kidding. He says that every week. It's the only thing I know that's correct because that came off quick I was like damn Bobby's Why do you say mean diminutive stuff about yourself? Yeah, dude. I'm all fatty. You're successful now You feel you feel are you bigger than you were before? I'm actually going on the way down I started Zep bound what six weeks ago. What's it called? Zep bound. Zep bound. Yeah. Is it like o'Zumpic? You are you are down 40 pounds. What do you mean you always look good though? You I've never Yeah, I get really yeah, I'm down 30. I'm down 30. You look great. You're down. I do. Can you see? Yeah I told you that she was like came in the hair looks good. You look thin look Hollywood. You're 30 35 pounds This guy's got off now 30 30 30 yeah, thanks. What would you get the biggest what you were at? Probably 250 shut the fuck up. I'll tell you five Yeah, five 11 probably right on smidge under six. Wow, 50. That was just big. Okay as many times who's a lot Who's an eaten good food? It's like, you know, you know you have the round his eyes. I've ever seen thanks bud you not so much Zingers Fully your eyes are pretty asiany really to me right. Yeah, it's more Japanese. It's more Ronin. Okay. Yeah, you know I mean like it you know, I'm a bigger samurai. I like that Yeah, yeah, yeah, I will sense I'm right you gain weight. It does smush your eyes a little a little bit. You lose some fucking weight. Those things are going to be big. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Are you thinking about getting the injection? What do you mean injection? Oh, no, you're, I mean, you're already on it. I'm on it. Yeah. Is it the same thing as ozemic and now it's different? Yeah. The side effects aren't as bad and, um, yeah, it's, zip bound as a brand name for the prescription medication. Tear zip a tide. Use for a chronic weight. Okay. Let's go down to, let's see what the, uh, what the side effects are. Generally consider it safe when you use it, uh, directed, but comes with the potential side effects. nausea vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, you already have all these. Got all that stuff to begin with. Yeah. You know, that's it. It made me gay. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no shit. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. I like it. And then you guys are sharing hotel rooms fatigue and hair loss. You got a lot of lettuce. Who cares? You're fine. The constipation I have a problem with. Brutally. Yeah. Yeah. Brutal. That's brutal. Metamusel for it. Yeah. The combat. They'll, they'll, they'll be go three days. Remember that I, I, I celebrated it. Oh, yeah. It's three, no, yeah, three days and I sent you a poop photo. Yeah. It was nice. Yeah. That, it was a celebration saved it printed it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of relationship we have. You get, you get clogged up on this. Not so bad. The ozampic. It was brutal. It was like, I was getting chemo. That's why I had to throw up to. Oh, I was, you know, throw on my back. The ozampic was awful, awful, awful nausea. Now, you're on it too, huh? But I don't have a fucking one side effect. I'm a woman. It's great. On zepbound or on zepbound. You guys are both on it because sponsor by do a read real fast into the camera. Are you a fat piece of shit? Do you have no self control? You want to see your dick look a little bit bigger? Get on zepbound. Is your dick look bigger? No, same size. Really? You don't get it. There's no more life in it. 30 pounds, 25 pounds came out of my penis. I had a very thick penis. Yeah, yeah. It's our deer. Boy, it's spankin. Yeah. You can't change that. That's, you know, it's genetic. No, as you lose weight, it looks bigger. Mine started to look a little bigger. You've seen that Sydney Swini commercial. He's like, my jeans, my jeans are Asian. You know, I don't like it. Fuck you. Yeah, I don't like what we're doing right now. I'm not making funny. I got a small piece myself. Hey, I don't have a small piece. That's the thing. That's the thing. I don't either. Wait, I don't have one. That's the thing. I know. Yeah. For my body structure. Sure. Very good. Okay. Like, you know, like Spud Web. Okay. You're dick and jump high. I'm just saying. No, obviously Spud Web is not going to have shakiloni. Yes, he is. Historically, you've never heard of this. This guy has a fucking pipe. It fell out of his shorts one time when he was dunking like confident you need to jump that high as a little guy. Yeah. How tall was Spud Web? Five, six, five, six, five, six. Wow. God, what a man. He was great. Twitter has been feeding me a lot of Asian porn lately. I don't know why. Twitter is feeding him. Hey, man. He's obsessed that there's like full blown porn on Twitter. It's great. He's like all over. There's porn on the internet. I know, it's something about Twitter. It's yeah. Too many. Why do you like it so much? You think it just because it's like you're reading about news and disaster shit and then you get off to a little Asian foot. I don't know. It's awesome. I love it. What's your favorite kind of porn? Yeah. Of Asian. Of Asian. Yeah. Japanese. Yeah. Japanese. Korean and Japanese. Japanese goes number one. Of course. Into the porn. Oh, Japanese is always number one. Everybody. No, no, no, no, no, no. Japanese girls. Super anime, anime, anime. Japanese has always been number one. Number one for ever. Then three pops making a move though. Yeah. It's making me think that girl Rose is beautiful. Do you have a rose? You know what I'm talking about? Why are you looking at me? Like I know everything. He's a fucking expert in every Japanese porn star. Yeah. What is it called Rose? What? Her name is Rose. She does the song with Bruno Mars. Oh, apata. You don't know this? Yeah. Oh, she's gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Great singer too. Would you leave your wife for her? Absolutely. Yeah. Throw it all away, right? Nice. Would you really throw it away? Kevin, how about you? What? No. No. No. I'm not going to leave your wife for Rose. No. Number one, good. And of course, I wouldn't. Oh, my God. Tadez Weft. What? What? I wouldn't. No, no, no, no. You're like Asian girls. No, I do like Asian. I used to I've dated an Asian. It's the top of it we talked about about for you. Yeah. It's a white's number one on your list, isn't it? You always say keep it white. That's what he says. Yeah. He's white, baby. No. You're married to a white. I'm married to a white. Yeah. Yeah. She's a good looking. Yeah, I'm not questioning that. I'm questioning the racism. He just did the Trump. Very good look at her. She's good. What's been going on with the dogs? I haven't seen you guys in a long time on tour running around on tour the back of the block tour. Getting by was what we're doing. What are you talking about? You guys are cruising. We're getting rough summer. Why? Why'd you tour in the summer? We didn't tour in the summer. We were off. Kippy had a baby. Oh, congratulations. The first one. Yeah, first one. Oh, my God. Congratulations. Let's guess the name. Yeah. We'll get we'll do it. Donovan. Yeah. That's really good. A big MacNab guy. Yeah. Chad. That is your attacking my whiteness. Yeah. Yeah. No, because you're an artist. So I'm an artist. Yeah, it's going to be a little arts. I call a guy fat for a little. Yeah. Yeah. And I used to be able to. Yeah. You call him fat. I do the Asian. Devon. Devon. Devon. Kevin and Devon is good. Yeah. What is it? What? The baby's name. Marcus. Marcus. No. We went with Dan. Dan. Daniel. Dan. Daniel. Daniel. You went with Dan. Daniel. Why? He was going to go with Earthquake. I don't know that. I ain't never been a bitch named Kadaleza. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Pat. What? I mean, was that was that a hard struggle to come up with Dan? Irish Irish. It's an old Irish. That's how we do it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's some Irish pig shit. But it's not like I'm going to fucking name my kid Chong. Should Chong Lee. Chang and Chong would be amazing. Yeah. Good name. Good boy. Strong lad. It's a family name. You're going to do this whole fucking game where people are like using the top birth percentile of a zoo. You all that bullshit. He's a big family. 99. Well, let me guess the wait. The wait was him for 50. The way to Dan your boy at born. I born. I don't remember. I don't know anything. What? Yeah. Yeah. I don't. But age. When you look at the baby, uh-huh. Do you feel like? Does it look like you? No. Yeah. Does it feel like do you love the baby? I mean, he's your last friend, right? One of your best friends. Yeah. Adorable Irish baby. So it's if Kevin passed away. Uh-huh. Would you take? I always love coming to talk to these guys. Would you take care? Would you take care? Would you take care? It's a good time. He wouldn't let me. So who's the godfather? Don't you have a godfather? Not yet. You got to fix it. It's got to be. It's got to be. I got to be on my nuts. No, no, no, no. It's got to be. Let me let me push for it. No, he's got to be his. No. I would love to hear this. Please state your case, Mr. Mr. What? You're going to say something. Go ahead. Well, Chong or whatever it is. Yeah, you say, Bobby, leave my good dear friend. Okay. Um, I don't know your brother. So this is tough. Um, he's unknowingly. He's not me. No, we were talking about her. Yeah. Would you give me your kid if you passed away? Well, I mean, he would be first in line. Yeah, he's not hit. Yeah. What do you mean? My relationship with him? You don't have the same relationship with age? I do. But I'm not Andrew. That would be like, I don't even know what that means. What is going on? That would be like it. Andrew. That's what you do. I would. Yeah, Andrew would leave. I would leave my kid with him. I leave my kid with him. Okay. Yeah. And he would my my godfather. I would leave my kid with him, but not the other way. Yeah. So what's your fucking problem? Because he has better prospects. Yeah. Oh, I'm a moron. You're my only prospect. You're not a moron, buddy. There's no evidence. I don't know. It seems like they're turning against me. You don't seem like a moron, more moron. You're not a moron, dude. I cause I'm question. Name me a state and sitting at Kansas and see the question is just confusing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Kansas City. Yeah, exactly. So boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Capital California. Um, fuck. It's not LA. It's, uh, steps with an stop. Sacramento. There it is. There we go. Capital. You know what? Take my baby. Thanks, buddy. I knew that's all it took. I would want that, but no, it'd be bad. Do you have kids? You don't have kids. No kids. No kids. Ask me a question. Um, what is the capital of Pennsylvania? Pittsburgh. No. Oh, fuck. Do you know? Name something that comes with hotpot hotpot? Yeah. Potatoes. Pretty good. Very. Thank you. That's actually very funny. Yeah. We tried this one time. We did the RU Smart of the Fifth grader. We lost. We failed every fuck. Yeah. We've done. We did it on page. But are you guys? Are you guys college graduates? Yeah. Which I am. Uh, I went to temple. You know, that's a good school. Well, I flunked out sophomore year. God is good. Where? Uh, widen your university. Shout out to, uh, plate football. Hey, widen your. Yeah. widen your. All right. You know it. I went to skinnier. Are rivals. We beat you guys all the time. I could never catch them. Uh, the game's over, I guess. Um, no, I went to Arizona state, dude. I'm a fucking mandumbo bumbo. Yeah. It's a big dummy. People always say that. Yeah. That's Arizona. I think they're awesome schools. No. Wow. They're fun. Yeah. It's a party school. They don't want to have like a lazy river. That was like always the big thing. It was a great rumor. And they and they also said 90% acceptance rate. Let's go. That's pretty good. Can you check temple universities? Yeah. It's got to be like 30. Yeah. But it's under fifth. Oh, it's, it's really one of they have like, they claim they have like 500,000 students. They have like biggest. Oh, you're just as high as us. Wow. Hey, what's the school? What school has the highest acceptance rate? Do that. I want to know what that is. Let's take a guess. My guess would be Florida state. Uh, yeah. It's got to be a state. No, but it's like, uh, Penn State, maybe. No, they just have so many. Oh, yeah. College of Staten Island. Yes. That's uh, soon. Yeah, that makes it easy. That's a 98% rate of University of Mississippi. He's cited with a 98% so everyone could want to miss it. So if I was denied at Dixie University, and what am I? Bobby, do you kill myself? No. No, he's got a college. I didn't get one to nothing. Why would he need to look at this, huh? Yeah, I'm a Brainiac then ask me anything I'm a brainiac potatoes hot pot hot pot. Why don't you already work in like right after high school? You're in a sweatshop Yeah, making 90s. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, he made those. I made those. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you a little. I got I got some notes for you No, you were already cruising in entertainment. No, no, I started at 23. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. No, I From high school to 23 no future almost die damn it yeah, because I had no future I know I had no idea what I was gonna do guys got six guys on the road with you. What do you talk of videographer producer? videographer manager Yeah, we got a guy die-ops. We call them director of operations. He gave himself that title. Okay, pretty much drives the van Now he's our boy Ryan D Perfect Carlos. He's great. We got him we got a two openers and a producer and then Two opener comics that we might know or no. Yeah, Colin Chamberlain and Sam Rubinoff. Oh no, right now Like New York guys Colin Chamberlain and Sam Rubinoff Colin works with Jessica said a lot and Sam is Jewish. Yes Yes, you have resident. You got to have one right in LA. You got to have a Jew trust me. I know you guys do the bus when you're on the road or no We have we've done the bus fuck that I kind of like the bus You don't like it. We'll never do that shit ever again. We love it. This guy had night terrors every fucking night Yeah, I loved it. No, dude. I'd rather just go to the hotel get a nice hotel. I get that. Yeah, I get that You don't like waking up in the new city No, I like just I like waking up in a nice hotel bed instead of listening to this guy scream bloody murder every fucking night and then hit up until 5 30 playing video games and peeing everything. Yeah, he does. Yeah I put I put in the Rule number one. That's not the bus. That's the squad. You guys got a fucking step it up a little bit. Yeah, honestly Fuck this whole team. Yeah, you don't know. Yeah, we grew up. My favorite is with Bert beat on the bus with Bert Well, he's got nine buses. Yeah, baby when he when I almost died. Remember I fell off the fucking You guys did that tour with him? No, no, we were on that but I made that show is national headline I saw that on fucking while he posted about it so he could cancel shows Unfortunately, probably we will not be performing tonight. I'll be back in 2026. What the fuck happened? I cut to my rip All right, so I was on the I was on the top bunk. It was pitch black like three in the morning. Which he shouldn't be in the first place I don't know how to bunk out. I also asked a bottom. I asked people. Hey, can I get the bottom? I have little legs. That's that's one right now I claimed it. That's fucked up. I bully shit. He also told him shame on you. Yeah, so I'm on the top bunk, right? It's pitch black I don't know where we're in the middle of the South somewhere driving right I opened up the curtain right and I have to go to the bathroom So I I take my hand. I can't see it to brace myself on the opposite opposite side of the other bunk The ledge and I miss it And I just I fall forward and I hit my mouth on the fucking thing Guys, I think you're gonna reach across the bus. These arms are like a foot long Team Rex arms. Yeah, we wake up, but I'm gonna wake up no one woke up and I was on the ground was knocked on conscious They woke up. They were like you got knocked out Yeah, and I and I was blood everywhere. So I go to the front of the bus. I sit there and I go to the driver and I go I think I didn't go out through and he goes now man. We're seven hours away I'm bleeding. I think I need stitches. No, seven hours, dude And then I start testing bird everybody no replies Everyone's asleep. Yeah, I'm just sitting there just in a pool of blood for like hours. It was fucking crazy Yeah, get a paper towel. What's a mice on it suck? I did all that. What do you think dude? Did you need stitches? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did. I think I like bunch of stitches and three you got three I knew a bunch was a big thing. Yeah. Well, wait, what do you mean? Well, he said you didn't get 15 you got three. I got a lot three But the saying the lawsuit what 45 stitches right and neck and you know what was great and This is it Burton, you know the whole team man. Yeah, the whole team squad love the squad That's why and they were like, you know, obviously go home, but they paid me for the gigs. Oh great Which is so cool what he liked the most Every time we go on tour he's gonna fall off that bump. Yeah, I can't put a thumb. That's getting off cheap They're probably worried you're gonna fucking I would never do it. Even if I died I wouldn't do it not to burn Leon There's other people we love them, so I'm not that you can't do that. You can't you can't meet better people No, they're probably the best two of the best people I've ever read. Oh my come on You know it's so funny though the bus thing our driver that was also that guy was a fucking lunatic we had a lunatic Mega man, what the fuck was his nickname? He had like a he was like a superhero nickname one night I wake up Because the bus is like, you know this and I'm like do what's going on? I walk up there and I pop up the curtain open You know what I mean pop off the buttons? It's my the fucker is going off on his wife. Do you remember this? He's like that's what I fucking said and he's yelling in his headset like And so I was like he's wide awake so I took the button back on went back and later. I thought he might be doze That he's not going to sleep six four hours. I was like then we'll see you later Salt Lake City over there Fucking bitch. We uh, I hated it. Don't we had one that broke down. We did like rude 66 We had one that broke down and barely made the gig like pulled in as like, you know Oh, no, see it was we had a sleep on the bus just parked in Tulsa or something like In a sketch like behind the venue because he couldn't get the bus started. You guys go to Memphis, tiny chance I fucking hate it. It was PTSD like the venue like the show. We tank shit in a way. We've never I bombed so hard They had that just have no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude It was so bad. We've stayed we're on the Elvis's we're on Graceland. We played fucking the Graceland stages Oh, and we're thinking this is the best dude. We're the fucking out of it. Oh dude. Nope. Thanks shit And then we were also like can we go get something to eat now like I don't recommend it. Yeah, it's not the nicest area I was like well, we're hungry. That was the room. You guys don't have bad gigs. Yeah, no For sure worst gigs. Hey, what's the what's the city? They're not gonna name a sin. No, that you tank the hardest in on the tour What was that where were we? Oh, is that one that we pulled into Wasn't Salt Lake somewhere down there in the in the Southwest like a Denverish kind of town, but then I think Arizona Flagstaff Flagstaff. Yeah, we fucking I mean it was like a black staff on a Wednesday Fucking soul blight. Is that the venue? That was what we played. Oh, okay. Yeah, Flagstaff got you. It was just it was and like it was soft It was one of those things they ended up like they had a good time and like but we just I could tell you our fans of Memphis did not have a good Yeah, not with us. They we just didn't love as flags also pretty beautiful a lot of people like a lot of whites like to go up There and get married and it's you a lot of cash up there One thing we did do to circumvent the bus because the one the bus is very circumvent. What does that mean go around? Okay? See don't use big words around my friend. My apology being kind of sending my apologies Like that's pretty good. That's pretty good. They had that so they had circumvent. Yeah, yeah find the way around We bought a we bought a very nice the nicest conversion van we could buy and we kind of use that as the tour bus Like runs die-ops our boy Ryan D will drive it out to Michigan will pick us up at the airport in Michigan and then that's we're cruising around in that for the week Why Michigan or like wherever the runs? I was like yeah you guys aren't love you. Are you guys living in New York where you live? Queens Queens. Yeah, all of you. No, I got a Manhattan you're not getting that amony. Yeah, you're not getting that Austin itch The heat would kill me. Yeah, true. I genuinely yeah, you guys dread being here. We're not at bad friends, but LA. No, I love LA I don't have any of that shit that other people. That's what I like about you. I don't like it. It's you know Hey troop troop what's up troop troop? I love it. Yeah, I don't I don't I don't hate it. I'm not one of those guys. I just don't love it It's just not I enjoyed my time out here like see my friends. I get it We stayed and we got a fucking very nice house in the hills. We're having a bit of all you rented a crib for the kids Yeah, what are we talking about nice nice property? Air B&B air B&B looked up it looked it up on Zillow 6.5 million. How long you time how long your time for let me get that right I would let me say it again circumvent circumvent how long are you guys in town for? Yeah, we were here Saturday Thursday. We called a year later. Yeah, he loves taking people to dinner I was looking for your car in the parking lot to see what you're whipping around them. I don't I don't drive anymore man Not a really accident what accident you don't hear about his accident was died. No, yeah, it's not true I hit it. I hit your fucking with me. No, I hit a car. He's I look at my eye. My eyes all fucked up I hit a couple I was pink guys. You know, it was bad. It wasn't a car. It wasn't a fault though Well, I mean I was drinking but yeah No, it's not fine. Why would you joke? No, I shouldn't joke about it. I mean, I mean, he I mean he almost died No, yeah, dude. It's in fucking. How would you report or what? I reported brought a deadline. I'll pull it out Let's see if that's my that's my ticket there from the hospital. Yep. Holy shit It was really bad, dude. It was really bad. You get knocked out. Yeah, dude I was there for three days at the hospital. I don't remember anything for almost a week. Yeah, almost a week like five days This dude, he was hooked up with machines. It was insane. He's lying. No, dude I want to hurt it. We're gonna pull it up, but here's already once they type it. No, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna say the domain The domain. Hey, Kevin. We listen. Nope. Yeah Sorry, okay. I got excited right now. You have sad eyes You just complimented it. I know, but they're drooping. They're sad and I don't like it. All right, he's tired So what I'm gonna say is before we look it up. I want to say this all right already. Will you look at me right now? I'm not done talking go All right, we told you a fact, okay, and you doubted it. That's right. Yeah sure, which means there's division between our teams That's right. Yeah, right. We're not cohesive. No, we're just not suckers. Yeah, we know what you tore up to we lie all the time We were expecting to know formally said that he crashed his key of Sarrento incident appears to have been minor 2001 2021 it was a 2021 key of Sarrento. Yeah, that's wrong. He's been in the hospital for three four or five years I was only there for three days. Yeah, I know those four years Never one of my favorite bits. I always kept saying I got really good though. I crashed a key of Sarrento Yeah, people fucking for some reason there But if you said you got in a car actually like yeah, dude, I crashed my old key of Sarrento people like damn like they buy it right away Yeah, I don't know why the car validates the accident. I was gonna make funny for driving a Kia I was a kid. What do you drive? Flashy guy? I drive it. You live in Queens. You don't have a car. Do you have a car? Yeah? I got a Jeep. Okay. Yeah. Oh, so it's better than a Kia Hot shot. Yeah, I have a question. Bobby. Are you dating any of you? Can you talk about that or no? Okay, good. No, no, no, no. I'm absorbing what you're asking. Uh-huh, and I'm gonna answer you properly. Okay. Um, yes, I am. Okay, great. Yeah I'm getting a lot of shit because they're white women. Okay. Okay. They're all white. So you're dating casually You're not in your relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. And my Asian friends and family are going. What's up, dude? Really? Yeah, and I'm like I don't know those are the ones that like me. Who? What do your friends family say? What? What's up, dude? Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, Mexican. No, that's some of them. Yeah, some of them. Yeah. Yeah. No, but they go to other Asian celebrities give you shit for that kind of stuff They don't talk to him. No No, what I like you look at Steven Yoon. Uh-huh. He's did nice Asian woman. Mm-hmm John show nice Asian woman. Yeah, I just I catch your problem because those Asian women find me to be unclean, which I'm not very clean man Excuse me. You're a very you're a very clean man. Yeah, but people think but based on my online presence or whatever that I'm a dirty Falker right but I'm reading and stuff like that. What the booger reading and stuff like that? Well, have you not? Of course. Yeah, exactly. I've never done it I mean either never once you've eaten your boogers. I think my boogers. Yeah. Never done your man. I'm not interested. Yeah What about touching your butthole if it comes out it doesn't go back in. That's how I feel. When's the last time you touch your butthole? Bear finger Had a little I had a stint. I had to run Had a run. I got over it. Not sexually just touching it. What not sexually? Yeah, oh, I was talking about sexually What do you mean just touching my butthole just for for for as impassive whatever little boot like me? No, no, no, no He loves it Bobby. Yeah. How about you? I'll do it now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not afraid of it. It's actually fine Yeah, if you're if you're playing with a toy, but I mean you know, I mean if you're having fun you've done that with toys on You should see the size of the thing. I put my ass shown the thing. I put. Yeah. He's lying. He's got it Unbelievable the thing the size of this fucking. I wouldn't suspect that that my man. I like that. You don't know. What do you know? I'm okay. Are you? What? Shut up. How long have you known me? Yeah, that thing I put that Man, can I borrow that thing? No, you're married. I met your wife, haven't I? So you think you meant my beard nice. Yeah. No, I'm seeing a couple of guys right now Nothing serious nothing sticking. No, yeah, I've never touched my butthole sexually really what are you doing with it? I don't know Making sure it's there just crossing that line to touch on my butthole. Yeah, I have a difficult time Committing right now to your bottle your bottle. Yeah, really. Yeah, you mean relationship what vibrates Huh, you go like that your butthole. Yeah, yeah, I don't like it's at it's sassy. She's no in terms of a women Yeah, you're playing the field. You're not playing the field. I want to find you're dating no, I want to find I want to find I want to fall in love No, stop that you don't you went through that how that turn out get out of here. I don't enjoy yourself. Yeah, but I'm ready again No, that's your mistake ready. Get back up on the horse. Don't do it. I think I'll fall Bobby fall in love with yourself. Oh, that's a phone Fuck that. Let him fall in love with a woman. No, yeah, I don't know if I'm too old married. No, yeah, yeah, I'm happy. You got a boy Yeah, very fucking amped. Yeah, you nervous. Uh, yeah, it's crazy. I'm still nervous. I don't know what you do a gender reveal thing You did one of these things. No, I got a wood a cut. I did what have you done that now? I don't have any kids you don't know But if I did I think I would do the general reveal, but I do it real real crazy like what blow it up You know, I mean you do a golf ball. You do the golf ball. That's what you got to do. No, no, I'd let you know like light a boat on fire Color of the smoke. I mean you look extravagant something obnoxious. Are you guys gonna have kids? Do you want to have kids? We can have kids No, we tried. Yeah, it can't go through the butthole for some reason I know we thought it was a loop, but it's not a loop. No, we tried. We can't do it. You being serious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we tried to adopt maybe Would you want to do that? Yeah, but a white slob. You know, a little white slobic baby. They're giving them those are pretty adoptable. Really? Not a little Asian kid white slobs. Little Asian kid. I got a little Asian kid. Hey, buddy. I have one. Uh, I would if I was going to adopt Um, yeah, I mean, it's I think that's a whole another like I have friends that were adopted and that's a whole another set of things that come along with it Sure, so I might but I don't know. I'm just not sure. The good thing about adoption is you got time You know, I mean like I don't know whatever. Yeah, I do. I'm not fighting the biological clock. There's always a kid wanting to want to be adopted Maybe seriously. Maybe. Hmm. I'd like to adopt a kid that's like 17 Give him one good year and athlete get an athlete. Yeah, dude. You know, I mean get him up to Shamanad one of those high schools If you adopted a kid and years later, they want to find their biological family. Yeah, that's what's tough with that Without your feelings. No, if the adoption is open or close, right? Some of them are even if it was close. They're like, you know what, Dad You're a great dad. I'm even though you know, you're so angry sometimes. But anyway, um, you know, I'm going to look for my biological family Is that okay? Yeah, that's good. Go back to China. He's that what you want? Hold on. I'm back to China. I'll send you right back Wait, I'll put you in the box that you came in and I'll send you right back. You'll be on the bottom of a Hyundai trailer See the attitude you're doing right now. That's the reason why I want to find my biological parents because this is how the way you talk to me Wait, hang on a sec. Well, you're the only kid I know that didn't get into Mississippi state. How about that? Back to China Hang on, so the kid you would adopt would be The kid that you would adopt would be a bad actor. Is that what's going on here? What was that accent? You're better than that. No, no, Cleveland dude. That's it. Yeah That's that is a outside of Cleveland. Well, let me do it again. I was a kid to Australian No, do Australian. Yeah, I got an Australian kid or do British. Don't give me that. Make it easy. Cock me Date, cock me. That's not brother. He's not going to dialects. Date. Yeah. Yes, son. I want to find my biological family Oh, they're in China. I told you that I thought I was British, Date. Well, you are your British Chinese kid You do a kid then Don't do it. Yeah, where you're gay. Where you're gay parents. We adopted you Actually, we play out all the time. Yeah, there's a fantasy. You're 18 years old now and you're telling us Telling you what that you want. I'm gay and I want to hook up. Sure. That's the kind of point Step parents born very nice. I did see on TikTok today up montage of Kids coming out to their parents and their parents being sort of supportive. It made me cry Yeah, was there any one not supportive? That's why that's not that montage. I saw No, not in my house That's crazy when that happens when you hear that shit. Oh, do you know the port of how could somebody not even that they like kick them out Oh, I can't believe it. I had a bunch of fucking hit a buddy here first move to LA The sky that I met his parents sent him to pray away the gay camp. We thought it's crazy shit Yeah, dude, but he made it more gay. Yeah, here's a bunch of gay guys in the woods. Yeah, it's awful There's nothing there was never gonna fix anything so fuck this mom used to say wild shit. She'd come We lived in the same complex his mom would come and visit and she'd be like how come how come he can't get a pretty girl Like the girl you're dating and I had to fucking keep up the lie. I was like I think he loves being single Oh really she didn't know no they fuck they know they're just a denial. Yeah, sure. Sheer denial, but don't parents know You would think you can usually smell a gay in your house. Yeah Yeah, it's like god Yeah, you ever go to your friends else in there at least my son Riley. He's like hello I thought his parents already knew you like dancing Riley Yeah, I think they know from a young age. Yeah, of course you know, I'd just be like yeah, I know that already kid Yeah What if your beans What if your son came to you said yeah, I think I'm gay. What do you say? I'd be okay with it. Yeah great. Yeah Would you be I just put it at all I'd start calling my daughter, but short now. Okay No, I mean, I think I don't know. I'm three months in it be weird if he did you know if he told me no it's common but five months That's what they do five months your baby was like Yeah, I don't know I would be fine. You'd have to be fine. Yeah, you have a progressive guy. Yeah, yeah, of course my best friends gay Right sure on the weekend sometime you never tried what you never tried to flip the other side of the menu as Charlie Great line. We were thought we were discussing that great line that whole thing is fantastic doing your show Doing your show I the one of the most fun. I remember doing it and being like oh, yeah, I want to go to that I'd be fun to be cool and then I did it and I was like that's one of them a best most inventive podcasts on the internet Your rhythm is perfect you guys' relationship is fucking amazing. I've seen you guys. We love you guys I love you buddy. We love you guys grow and I was also like This is some people take off and you're like When oh, you know, I mean what's when it happens to someone you're like yes good. Yeah, that is the go This should be the big thing go go. We love you guys so much everybody in the comedy pod can Little sphere has been so great to us and nobody's jealous nobody's you know high-tides raise all ships Yeah, and that was an away game. We want you in the studio when you in New York. I come to New York Yeah, I did it both of you. You did it. You were in the old studio I know but it didn't I don't want to I went to one studio Where do you love it to have you back? Where's the new studio in downtown second biggest comedy podcast? With the city. It's bigger than seriously bigger than Shultzies. Yeah, well but Shultzies for a game come for a game Shultz is way nicer and his staff is all Cool is shit and all minorities you guys have only whites. That's why I want to go to art. Oh, we got an Italian guy We got a time. We don't eat with them, but you know, you guys want to promote anything? Yeah check out the pod Are you garbage wherever you would do twice a week public and then Patreon as well. We have a very active Patreon and we're on tour right now Back on the block tour all tickets available at are you garbage calm? It's stand up and we play a YG with the crowd Oh, and we have a special Route 66 special, which is a combination of all that and we each have half hours on our page I mean go see the kids are you garbage comms where you can get all that information put the link in the description down below Fans we appreciate you guys. We love you guys. Thank you for being garbage friends. Love you Thank you for being a garbage fan and say into that camera at the same time say yeah, thank you for being a bad friend Thanks for being a bad friend (upbeat music)