Derrick Stroup & Gary Vider

yeah hey everybody we're here we're back we got uh gary veder and derrick stroop what's going on derrick's got a new special on netflix right now called nostalgic thank you thank you yeah give it a watch that's that's awesome man thank you man it's been a lot of it's been a lot of fun first one i've put out we hung on for the first week and then uh your boy mark over here uh bumped me out well wwe fucked all of us yeah you got knocked out by bridgerton let's be honest yeah let's be honest my wife told me that was coming she goes bridgerton's coming for your ass my wife's like but yeah it looked great would you shoot it here uh birmingham alabama the lyric theater i was way off yeah yeah you were way off i think we did that yeah we did that one yeah birmingham's good yeah yeah birmingham's a uh a great comedy city uh and you say that about cities that you don't see a lot of people see a lot of people see a lot of people see a lot of people stay in for a long time and that's very much a birmingham that was a bus city yeah yeah now birmingham was birmingham was fun but uh you're are you you're from i'm from right outside of huntsville alabama okay yeah like von braun uh yeah the jews always latch on to the nazi museum yeah that is paperclip yeah but they were they used him he was a smart nazi they used him for good for sure that's why you need to do that more like you can always tell a museum is is uh is when they have a papa shot there they have a basketball like and you're like this doesn't have anything to do with the museum loosen them up that's the atlanta part we'll round the edges with a papa shot we should use bad guys for good like frank abagnale the guy from catch me if you can the fbi took him and said help us that's what they think uh maybe he's playing them dude we'll get derrick chauvin put him in ufc i'm just saying yeah maybe anti-semitism you could ask him first but are you smart and then you bring him oh there you go in the sap t's there you go that would start it turns out they're all really smart this is a bummer they nailed it this is bad we have a whole department now yeah we should get suicide bombers on our side just you know throw them at back and i ran have them have them on air canada that'll shorten the trip that that airline sucks i don't think it was their fault yeah it wasn't their fault it was an air traffic control thing oh i'm just saying in general oh it does suck it's not great it's not great it's up there with the west jet west jet oh man oh yeah they hit the the fire truck yeah yeah the guy confessed he said it was my his fault that's how you know the airlines are bad right now mark there's a plane crashed yesterday mark's like oh yeah yeah yeah pretty casual yeah yeah i hit a fire truck and the guy did i mean he like immediately he goes that's my fault like yeah no no rick you're good buddy we've all done this right 40 in the hospital it's insane death any death two deaths two pilots but and there was a uh the stewardess two is not horrible no two is not it was just yeah just the two pilots i mean it's just all the pilots yeah that's it 100 of the pilots died all right well r.i.p sorry uh as i said the fire truck was on its way i think to another plane no and then that's when it collided with this so they're probably like i guess we got to put out this one the irony it's like a priest stopping a kid rape or something right right that's a perfect example it wasn't making sense and i go wow that's what i'm here for i explained things but there was a flight attendant that was in a jump seat in the cockpit and then she got tossed out of it and still survived in the seat she got thrown in the seat 300 feet down and she managed to still yell at someone make sure your plane's on airplane mode yeah yeah your phone god damn it you got the fucking point yes so yeah you what have you been doing comedy eight minutes no eight minutes probably i've got a weird history with comedy 10 about 10 or 11 years of like actual like open mics in a scene yeah before that it was like three years of me just running a bar getting black out and doing 45 minutes just for fun wow i would do it like in alabama in alabama yeah there was a bar that i ran in jacksville alabama and there was like it was crazy all these country singers that are big now kind of were coming through riley green sam hunt drake white and i was like if i hear wagon wheel one more time i'm gonna kill myself so i just as i said i'm gonna kill myself running the bar i just made pictures a dollar and i got up and just rambled for an hour never met another comedian never been to a mic i wasn't doing it like chasing a dream this episode is brought to you by state farm listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling smart move another smart move getting help from one of state farm's 19 000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling just another way to save with the personal price plan prices are based on rating plans that vary by state coverage options are selected by the availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state i was like maybe this will be uh you know it sounds like the worst bar ever the bartender's ranting again what the hell it is the best well in the middle of alabama nobody has seen anything like this because nobody talks publicly without a song nobody's on stage you know with a microphone giving thoughts or takes so i was up there just you know ripping on our our buddy sitting in the front row you know talking about the cops that were waiting on us outside of the door sure you know just just real local stuff but it was a wild way to get into it yeah but did you go hey buddy come watch me like how did you get a crowd going um well i mean you know i was always uh holding court telling stories being a jokester and so a bunch of times my friends would be like man you should do comedy you should do kind it's like that doesn't exist in our world yeah um so eventually i uh i just watched robin williams live on broadway and i go okay i think i got a decent read on this and uh so i just went up there and and and i was just doing it for fun like for three years about five probably five to seven times a year it was truly like just a fun little little hobby and then i got a couple duis and i made it my job hell yeah let that be a lesson you kids don't get started till at least you drink and drive twice that's exactly right two times justin timberlake you're about to start comedy yeah he's one away from having an hour yeah but i heard why would you not just uber at this point well he runs the world he can do whatever he wants so he's like i'm not gonna get busted i guess yeah it probably gets out of it he's probably gotten out of it before i mean yeah but this is it's not worth this yeah well he told the police officer when he got pulled over that he was on a world tour yeah which is a wild thing yeah yeah like i understand wanting to tell him you're justin timberlake maybe that works sure i'm on a world tour the cop goes what is a world tour he was shit face but he's probably like there he's like she's a cop behind he's like gotta see the world tour plug there is a body cam plug it plug it i'm in edinburgh Just telling you. No, but he also, at one point, they were like, what do you do? And he goes, I don't know how to explain this. I'm Justin Timberlake. I'm like, just say musician. I know. That's the most normal conversation he's had with a regular person. That's true. And there's one point where he goes, how long am I going to be here? The guy goes, you're going to stay the night? He goes, the whole night? And I remember being like, oh, he's never done anything unpleasant for a while. That's how jail works. Yeah, one night is nothing. He should be like, oh, great, one night. Also, it's a Hamptons jail, too. It was in the Hamptons. Everyone drinks and drives in the Hamptons, I guess. Oh, yeah. And that's why he was by himself, too. Usually, these guys, they'll be with a crew. That's true. Can you imagine how bad he was driving to get pulled up? I bet the cop was like, my, I don't even want to do it. He's in the yard again. Right. I mean, because in the Hamptons, I bet they're not just knocking people down. Too much money in that community. Right. It'd be a headache. Good point. Yeah, Billy Joel, that was his whole doc. That was it. That was the whole song, you may be right, I may be crazy. Oh, wow. But I just might be the lunatic you're looking for. It's because he was, I think he rode a motorcycle home drunk. That's it. And she was like, you're a lunatic. And he was like, all right, the wheels are going. Even when he's in a blackout, he's like, I think I got something. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, he hit a house. You got to be drunk to hit a house. Oh, man, that is tough. Yeah. So you got two DUIs. Yeah, I got two DUIs. After the first one, how do you get a second one? Six months! Yeah, I say six months because it sounds better than four. But yeah, I just got on a heater, man, back to back. The first one was like a classic. I got in a vehicle that had a light out. It wasn't my car, but they were real cool about it. I got it in Alabama. It was like Mayberry. They like gave me a slice of pie. They were like, you can't drive drunk. You're going to kill somebody. Right. And like, you know, we're like playing dominoes hanging out. The second one was outside of Atlanta and they were pissed. Oh, that's a real city. Yeah, yeah. It was in Cartersville. And the judge just really, really went after me. He found out that I ran a college bar. And he found out it was my second DUI. So even though I got it in a. In a parking lot, parked car, wedding, wedding. Oh, come on. I know. It keeps getting worse. I had a decent case when the. But I mean, I blew it from the get-go. You ought to see the camera. She walks up and I lead with this. I wasn't going to drive, but I lead with, oh, I'm not driving. I just got a DUI. I go, I don't even have a license. And she was like, you got to come out. Because the key was in the ignition and I was truly just heating it up. That's how they get you, the key in the ignition. That's it. But I was cooked immediately. And then we were going to take it to a jury. My lawyer, he liked the case that we had. There was a lot of loopholes. She would, she admitted on tape. I go, I'm at my buddy's wedding. And she goes, we know you're at a wedding. We've been out here all night. And so, you know, there was some things. But when it came down to it, when we told them that we would take it to a jury, they put our feet to the fire. You know, the DA was like, well, we want max consequences. So five years prison, you know, all these other things. Or you can just take the two DUIs and we'll call it even. Fight it. I'll do the time. No, no, no. I was outside of the courthouse. My lawyer was like, no, I mean, he was fired up. And I was like. You get the worst possible lawyer. He's like, I can do this. He was young. He was like 25, all I could afford. Yeah, and he was like, no, we are prepared for this case. I go, you're not doing the time. I go, I just watched Locked Up for three days in a row. The last thing I'm doing is going to jail. So I just took the DUIs. You could have been White Alley Sadiq. Oh, my God. It could have been a close call. It's on your record now. Like, I mean, you're not going to have a seat. I mean, the crazy thing is, is I'm really an outlaw because I never finished my probation. I just never went back. I did it like three or four times. It's good to say this publicly. Technically, I am a fusionist. Well, I had to eventually, you know, you got to pay money to fix this thing. But I quit going for a little bit, and then I had to tie my loose ends and fix it. But, yeah, I was on the run. I thought you moved here to get better at comedy. It's just because you don't need a car. I went to Denver. I went to Denver first for 10 years without a car. Yeah, because I haven't drove in 15 years. Damn. If I see you drunk on a city bike, we're going to have a talk. That could screw you going to Canada. You know, people get stopped at the border all the time. Yeah, can you do Canada? Yeah. Yeah, I've been to Canada, I mean, countless times. I mean, there's one. He's like, I got two Canadian DUIs. Well, there was one time they took me back to the office. They have, like, a long conversation, hour long. And they eventually come out, and they, you know, let me go. And in a comedian's head, I go. I bet they watch some of my material. And they go, you know what? I like it. Let him through. Let him through. Because it was an hour of me sitting in that office. So that's the close call that I've had. And what did they say when they came out? No, nothing. There was no, like, real conversation about anything. I mean, now when I'm doing, like, big gigs, like when I'm doing, like, the festival that they have every summer. You know, you've got a piece of paper that kind of, there's no questions asked. I'm kind of shooting through. Oh, the outdoor thing. What is it? The Great Outdoors. The Great Outdoors. Yeah. When you're doing comedy. When you're doing comedy clubs, it becomes a little bit, you know, I don't really have the paperwork that just shoes me in. Right, right. It's a little bit more of a conversation. Damn. Yeah. Let's see. Everybody gives a shit for the border. Every border. Canada's border is wild. Yeah. They found a marijuana seed in my friend's car, and he couldn't get in. Yeah, that's. A seed. A seed is. It sounds like your friend's a liar. Oh, he is a pot dealer. He's a drug addict. It was just one seed. They're like, dude, it was four pounds of marijuana. And a seed, yeah. And a seed, yeah. He's a bad seed. Look at that. Hey, see. I love that. He's a pro. That's great. That's a good Photoshop, Peters. That is. We had to scrap the Paul Walker one. Turns out it wasn't moving product. Well, Gary used to sell Coke if we're really getting into vices. I did, and I actually brought Coke over the border before. Oh. Really? I was an idiot. It was. Venezuelan drug boat? No, sophomore in college. My buddy and I were going over it because they had the casino over there. You could gamble at night. It was 19. Oh, yeah. So you get Niagara Falls Casino. So a few of our friends were there. They called us up. They're like, hey, we didn't bring any Coke. Do you want to come here? We have this big hotel room. You could come here. I'm like, sure, I'll bring the Coke. And I didn't think twice of it. And then we go through the border. And then as soon as you get to the border, that's when you start sweating bullets. Yeah, of course. You're right there. You're like, oh, shit. If we get stopped or they start patting us down, they're going to find the Coke. But they just let us right through. Where was the Coke? In my pocket. Oh, what? That is insane. That's crazy. It wasn't like a huge amount. It was like maybe five bags of like five grams. So that was it. Well, you're unassuming. No one would expect you to be smuggling drugs. Yeah, exactly. That's what I went with a lot. I was just like, nobody would expect this. Could have fucked me, though. Well, I got a funny Canadian border story. I did Buffalo Helium. And the next day, I had a gig in Canada. And it's like, I don't know, an hour drive. So the opener was like, I'll drive you. But do you have any drugs in your bag just so we don't get stopped? And I was like, oh, let me check. I opened the bag. It's full of drugs I'd accumulated over the years. It's shrooms and pills and weed and all this shit, gummies. So I go, ah, I don't want to get rid of all this. This is a lot of money worth it. This is good stuff. So he goes, why don't you plant it somewhere we'll hide it. What is this, Fargo? He's like, we'll hide it right at the border of New York somewhere where nobody will see it. And then when you're done with the gig, we'll drive back and get it. And I was like, hey, that's pretty good. So we hide it. We hide it next to this guy's house. And we put some leaves over it and shit and a branch. And we go do the gig. And I came back the next day with a different opener to go fly out of Buffalo. The guy went and stole it, my other opener. He took all the drugs. He went back and found me. Should have had Andy Dick open for you that time. He blew me, though. Yeah, yeah, the guy stole all my drugs. So you know who you are if you hear this. I remember when we were going through customs. I think we were coming back through Vancouver. To Seattle. And the guy was a fan. And my tour manager, Brian, didn't know that. So the guy was like, oh, shit, Sam, what's up? How was it? And I go, just as Brian, the tour manager who always worries, walks in. I go, oh, we're just like human trafficking some chicks back there. And it got a good laugh from the border people. But Brian was like, what the fuck is happening? But it was nothing. Oh, all right, all right. I thought you were going to jail for it. So I know what happens just because my friend was an idiot. This is the same friend that I drove the drugs with. We went through to the border. Because I went to school at the University of Buffalo. So we would go through the border and then go up to Toronto every so often. But we were going through one time and he didn't hear the guy say pull over because they wanted to inspect our car. And he just kept driving. And what happens when you do that and you go through the border, a siren goes off. And we had four guys pointing rifles at the car. And then they inspected the car for the next two hours. And you had Coke there? No, I didn't have any Coke, thank God. No Coke, we were just going up to Toronto. That's crazy. And that was the same friend who was driving. And that was maybe a few months after the time they brought up Coke. So that's what goes on after you just go through the border. I didn't hear the cops. He starts firing back at the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we got lucky. It was us and actually there was like two other guys in the car too. Jesus. But yeah, that was it. Yeah, wow. Gary's cartel. Gary's cartel. Sounds like a cartel you could like rent. Gary's cartel. We got hit, man. They're hourly. Very unassuming. So wait, you put an hour out. A month ago. Yeah. How are you doing with new stuff? Oh, man, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare, right? He bought back the bar just to rant. It truly is. It's tough. I mean, it's fun. Sometimes when you start to figure it out, I enjoy the sting, the process. But sometimes when you're up on stage, you feel like an unarmed man. Totally. And also, you ride those last few months where you've got this hot hour you're running. Right. Every night, you're just like, I'm about to put my whole foot in their ass. Yes. And you have no doubt in any of your jokes. And it's as tight as it can be. And then now you're from the top and you're up there and you're like, and it's just hard for me sometimes in the middle of the show to not be like, yeah, this is all pretty new. Oh, yeah. It's pretty new. I know. You know, because sometimes, you know, you can feel the crowd and it's like. But it's ego too, though. But I think sometimes, like, I see you doing a couple old ones and it's like, you do that to give the new one a running start. It's cushy. You need to. And it's like, I think sometimes we get in our head like, the special's done. I'm never telling that joke ever again. I know. It's insane. You're right. You got it. You got to give the new one a fighting, a fighting chance. Give momentum. A little runway. Yeah. But we do that. It's ego. It's like, I'm done. But you're giving them a better show and you're giving the jokes a better chance. Here's something I've been doing at the beginning of the show. I don't know if this is something that y'all would do, but I'll ask the crowd right now. I'll go, how many of y'all have seen this special? I do the same thing. Okay. And let me tell you, I love it. And, you know, the further you get away from it, now mine's been out for a couple weeks. The first 10 days, a lot of smart people out there were holding off and waiting to watch. When you feel that in the room, either way, I'm probably going to do the same set, work the same new stuff. But the confidence you get when the room acts like they haven't seen your special, you're like, my God. Even though you're still going to go out on the ledge and try that, you just don't feel as vulnerable. Yeah. Because you just don't feel as naked. But I've been asking people and, yeah, and, you know, room to room, it's a little different. Yeah. But when they all cheer, I'm like, ah, shit. Oh, yeah. Phoenix, I was like, oh, way to go. You watch the whole thing. You think I've got a whole new hour? You're like, we watched it twice. Twice. Right. So just know out there, folks, we're not less funny. Because they go, geez, he wasn't that good. You know, we're not, it's not that we're less funny. We're just working on something. So give us a chance here. You're a cripple for a couple months. No, you really are. You really are. If you want to keep turning it over. But they also get to see the organic experience of developing the material until, like, when it gets to the special. Everybody says that. But in the real, that sounds cool. We get to watch him work out and try new stuff and see where his brain goes. But then it's really going, cushions are weird. You know, they're soft, but they're not. They're kind of hard. This ticket was $50. The organic experience. Exactly. I was trying to help it out. I know. I know. Everybody says that. But that's cool for eight minutes. But an hour or a minute 51, they're like, Jesus. You know, I mean, Seinfeld talked about this. I mean, we always reference comedian. But, like, you get the big pop, like, right off the bat. But then it's like, all right, time to make me laugh. Exactly. Exactly. Prove it. You can feel that. Oh, yeah. Because, I mean, my first, I've got, like, right now, the first maybe 15 minutes are, like, really new and really fun. And the drop off, I feel after that. Yes. Yes. And it's just in me, too. Because my confidence in this stuff, I'm like, this is great. This is new. Not a person in the room has heard that. And then I get to this, you know, 15, 20-minute mark, and I'm like, golly. I know. It's daunting. Because we're not actors. Yeah. Like, we're not fit. We know that it's not funny yet. Yeah. So we're delivering, like, is this? No, you're so right. You're so right. Compared to when you know you've got a bit down and tight, and we deliver it, like, I mean, it's not even there yet. Like, I'm going to gift this to you. - Yeah, how 'bout this? - Right, right, yeah. Yeah, Seinfeld comes with boleros. When you go out there with all that ammo, that's when you have an hour. And now we're out there with a fucking slingshot with no rocks. It's always so dramatic with comedians. I know. I have all these guns. Just a mic. I'm going to kill, murder. Just a mic. Yeah, but unlike musicians, though, we don't get to play the hits when we come back. We don't get to go out there. I'm sure y'all have the conversation. People don't get mad if you do one. Yeah, and you can't do other people's hits either, though. Which is, you know, in music, every once in a while, you can be like, ah, they're getting kind of weird. How about a little Fleetwood Mac to get back on our feet again? Woo, I love that song. Yeah, exactly. I can't go, well, here's a- Or have them sing along with it. Yeah. When you forget an old bit. Because I have what you guys do. Let's all do Hot Pockets together. I can't lose the crowd at the cellar and go, okay, I'm going to follow it up with a George Carlin bit, and then I'll go back to my stuff. I do a little Carlos Mencia, because he did it from someone else, and I'm fine. Yeah, whose bit is it really anyway? Who knows? You know, it's like all of us have jokes, so it's like when we stop, like when you have to stop to think about something new, it completely kills your momentum also. That's true. So it's like that whole new bit. Like, you don't take a breath sometimes. You keep on going. Right. So when you're trying to think of, like, all right, how does this one go, this new one? It's got to, you know, I mean, it's tough for everybody, but it's hard. It is. And I get jealous of guys like you, because you're an Alabama guy. Like, I'm from Louisiana, but I don't really sound different, and you sound different. So you kind of have a thing. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the further- The further I go along, the more I learn how to use that accent. In the beginning, when I was in Colorado, it wasn't cool. I didn't get on stage. When you're not funny and you sound like this- Right. It just sounds- I mean, people don't love it, but when you get a little edge and you find some punchlines and some jokes, people are like, man, that pairs well with some good comedy. Right, right. But it took a while for me to get to the point to where- And I talk about on stage, New York City is the toughest city in the country for this accent. Oh, yeah. And I love it. I love it because it creates leverage on stage because there's always tension for me. Right. There's always something for me to- I can be a little smarter, a little faster. That's my favorite thing about doing comedy in this city is people are so assuming. Yes. And I can kind of put them on their head, and that's my favorite. Sometimes in the South, I feel like they don't even know that it's a joke. They're like, where's the punchline? Right. And I'm like, well, in other places, that's really funny that we do that, you know? Yeah, that's a good point. Shit, do we got- We got any peeves? I got some peeves. I got a peeve. What do you got? Oh, you got a peeve. That's not a peeve. That's something I want to talk about. So- He's pointing at me, which is a good start. I got a peeve. A guy who doesn't have a peeve. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, guy with the blue bomber jacket. So I don't know if this popped up on your radar at all, but we had a guest a couple of weeks back who did a whole episode and then asked for it to be pulled because they were sort of a clean-ish type of comic. I got a million texts about this. Yeah. Everyone wants to know who it is. And they'll never guess it. They'll never guess it. The internet thought it was you. No, no, no. They were positive it was me. And I don't know how much y'all pay attention to the threads, but your boy- By the way, thanks for doing this episode again. I was going to say that as a joke at first, and then I go, no, I realize that there's people so dumb on the internet that if I joked about it, they would turn this episode off and go, I knew it was Derek before I could ever- For sure. But no, no. I was in the thread swinging on people. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't- I'm not like- People assume wrong with me. They think because I'm a clean Southern. I'm not a Southern comedian that I'm like this super buttoned up guy. I'll whoop your ass. Yeah. I'm a little bit of a- I got a little bit of a different- I'll kill you in my car. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll find you and whoop your ass. But no, everybody thought it was me. Yeah. The whole internet. And I tried to defend myself, but it just kept snowballing, which it led to me being on here, which worked out. Yeah. It was my first rumor. I felt like it was traction. You had to clear your name. Yeah, yeah. That's at the record store. They were like, who is this guy? And they were like, dude, he yells, and they think it's him. Hey, press is press, baby. It was you and Dusty Slay, everybody thought. Oh, shit. Both innocent. And I love the internet. They go, it's Dusty. I know it. Yeah. They're like, all right, you don't know shit. Get out of here. I don't think they're going to get it, because it's not a traditional stand-up. Not in a million years, but I've been telling everybody. But someone's- Yeah, yeah. I've been telling everybody. Dude, dude. I was about to say, I know who it is now, and it's crazy, because it's not on anybody's radar. No, no. Dude, Judd Apatow texted me. Whoa. I need to know. It's safe with me. I was like, this is really making the rounds. Yeah, Rogan has to be on the pod. And I was like, you got to cut that. Seriously. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Rogan heard about it? Yeah, it's out there, baby. And the internet loves a mystery. They want to correct it, you know? Like Epstein. Can we lower Gary's face for this whole episode? They don't know who he is already. You guys really heard? After the pod. Hey, Mark. Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, can we cut that? Really crazy. Cut that out. Yeah, yeah. I want to cut the entire episode. Mark, what was that? Oh, I was drinking at the time. Oh, yeah. Oh, the peeve. That's where we were going. But then he had to jump in with a non-peeve. The sensitive friend. Yeah, yeah. I got a peeve. The friend who asked what you're doing before telling you what the thing is. You're free Thursday, and you're like, what's going on? Yeah. Because it's never good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If it's good, you're like, dude, Nick's ticket's Thursday. You in? Yeah. If it's, you're leading with the trap. So true. Great point. They do that. A lot of people do it. Like, clubs will be like, can I, can you call me? I got something to ask you. Oh, can you call me? Can you call me is bad. That means they have a big question that you don't want to do, but it's easier to get you to say yes over the phone. Because if they just go, will you do this? I go, no. But if they call you, it's a trap. Hey, can you call me? What's your bank password? Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. It's over. Anybody who has something good would lead with the good information. Exactly. Anything else is going to put you out. And I should rephrase this. If it's a really close friend, usually this is not an issue, but it's the non-close friends. Yes. What are you doing Thursday? Absolutely. A rando. Yeah. If you text me, what are you doing Thursday? I'm assuming it's going to be good. Yeah. We'll go to dinner or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, if Gary texts me, I'm buying dinner. Same thing. You know, it's fine. Yeah. By the way, you're free later. I knew he was coming, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I got one. How about this guy? This is a friend thing, too. The friend, when you do something stupid, this actually happened to me, you do something stupid, you tell the guy what you did, and he goes, oh, yeah, you can't do that. And I'm like, I know, asshole. I'm just getting in trouble for it. Making him feel worse about it. Yeah. Like, I'd be like, oh, I called my wife fat. And they're like, ooh, yeah, you never want to do that. I'm like, I know. I'm in hot water already. I know to not do that. I'm in trouble about it. That's a great piece. Because now you bring it to this person, clearly that you just want a little security that it's not the end of the world. Yeah. Just tell me you've done it. Yes. Tell me that you understand we've all been there. Not, oh, well, yeah, you're in trouble now. Yeah. It's like, well, yeah, no shit, Sherlock. I thought that we were going to get through this together. I like that beef. Thank you. Yeah, just agree with me that my wife is fat. That was just an example, honey. But yeah, you know. Can't do that. You go, oh, I should have gotten a DUI. I shouldn't have drove drunk. They're like, yeah, you never want to drive drunk. I'm like, I know. I'm in jail. I'm aware that I should have. You're my one phone call. Yeah. It's done. The deed is done. Damn it. Stop double shaming me. The double shame. I'm already shamed. The double shame is the name. That's good. I like that. Okay. Yeah, you don't pile on when something's bad. No, no. I got another one. You guys got something? I'll go. So I got Mexican the other night. Ordered a torta. Ordered a chicken quesadilla for the kids. And then we also had a steak quesadilla. And then we wanted some guacamole and chips. So on the menu it said guacamole. I ordered that. Comes no chips. Just eight ounces of guacamole. That's crazy. So I call up the place. I go, hey, there are no chips here. And they go, yeah, because we have a thing of guacamole on the menu. And we also have a thing of guacamole and chips. I didn't see the chips thing. Okay. But who wants just guacamole? You can't do anything. Am I wrong with this? You can't just. They should be sending chips even without. I like a Mexican place to send chips with salsa. Yeah. Regardless. Regardless. There should always be chips. Yeah, I agree. But only guacamole. So my piece. How do you do that? How do you. I'm going to set fucking ice in there. I know. They should be on their best behavior, these restaurants. I'm fucking taking them all out. Guy becomes a complete psycho on Facebook. These fucking pieces of shit. We got to close the border. But we're talking a half a pound of fucking guacamole. Half a pound is crazy. Half a pound of guacamole with nothing to dip in except my quesadilla, which I don't need. I don't have to dip my quesadilla. Did you use your old Coke scales to measure it? I've never even heard guac in water. I don't even weight metric. I've never either. That sounds like half a pound. I have a quarter pound of guac at my table. 16 ounces of guac. Gary's like, it's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pure. Jeez. He's doing this shit with the guac. It's a kilo of guac on my table. The problem is, yeah, it's like you got nothing to do with it. Exactly. It's insane. So I went back. I was furious. Okay. You went there. I went back to get the chips. And then he charged me for the chips. Yeah. But it's also, I calmed down a little bit on the drive back. And then I, so I didn't say anything. I just bought the chips and I left. But I was pretty furious. I guess you could put guac, you could scoop it out and put it on a taco. Yeah. As like a garnish. I didn't have a taco. I had a quesadilla and a torta. You can put it on a quesadilla. Yeah. But how much? I get your point, though. What side are you on? I get it. We swing against you. Yeah. I get it. Guac, you're piling on. This is what we're talking about. The double shave. Guac without chips is tough. Yeah, that's crazy. You got to put chips in there. Eight ounces. Eight ounces. It's one thing if it's a side. It's a lot of ounces. Like a maramican. Yeah. I have my, I got a bunch of peeves, but I'll start off with, I think at airports, most that 90 of the restaurants should be chains i hate the i hate the local damn you are nate's tour jesus the sizzling acorn that's over there where you charge me 64 because you act like this is real salmon this is insane and it's the most overpriced the food is never good rarely not unless you're at an elway's in denver which is also a chain because there's a couple but but when you're inside of an airport you can do a sweet greens we can do pop belly chipotle we can get these type of foods that are decent but they're on the move i do not want your unique take on anything inside of an airport because i'm already getting my head busted on the regular chains now you act like this is some artesian joint it's not i can hear them they're boarding group three for jet blue right behind me this is not a unique situation right and i hate pretending like it is airport chilies some of the best chilies that you're gonna get chilies too chilies too because now they're too busy to be bad that there's nothing that's sitting back there that's not being there all the seats are full you're getting fresh food so anyways airports should just be a little bit because those are money grabbers those little unique places they try to that's good to sell you but yeah that's my uh and as you can tell this isn't something i've thought about it's just it's kind of like worst service you'll ever get to in one of those yeah you'll never it's a nightmare service than there and i look down and 20 tip on this thing because it's 84 it's just right it's here's a follow-up question what if it's a bar oh yeah totally totally different okay yeah yeah yeah that's a totally different that's a totally different ball game i love some there's some great bars out there at different airports that you should belly up to get some decent bar food it's these places that really try to you know act like that they're a unique you know restaurant they got you know the seafood on the minute it's 90 that's crazy yeah and to tag onto that peeve just give me once i've ordered all my food you know i have and i say no thanks to dessert just put the check on my table yeah let me be in charge of when i get out of this joint because i i hate being held hostage at the end of my myth i start to like become like i mean it looks like there's like ants on yeah right just give me the check and i'll tip you and i'll pay you but please don't make me watch you walk around yeah that's universal man that's any restaurant yeah but especially in an airport because like you you're clearly on the move yes clearly yeah just give me the check ask me i love when they have the check and they go you're good on we're good and i go you know what susan i think i'm perfect and they lay it down now i'm in charge of when i exit yeah that's a beautiful feeling you know yeah i actually like when they have the ipad thing at like oh at the table yeah i love that i kind of like it i do too nice i do too yeah i used to open for some headliners i'm not gonna say who but they would order the meal and then just go bring the check so you get the check with the meal yeah which i think restaurants think that's like uncouth or some shit but i'm like hey we want to just leave we just want to leave yeah you're right this shit hey yeah yeah yeah i hate that it is a nightmare because they've moved on in their heads it's not like malicious but they've this table is been done they don't need so they've kind of subconsciously gone to a different section and now it looks like i'm drowning also out of all the restaurants they work at an airport so it's like they got their own problems true you know sure sure okay i want to see if i have more i got an airport one now this one's a little outside the box and it might ruffle some feathers okay i saw it at the airport where you see it around you see this in you know hotels or whatever the guy walking around in sweatpants with his hands in his pants not in his pockets yeah it's wild okay i'll i'll do it sweatpants is a big one you see a guy walk around like this yeah the old teb bundy right no no no it's like oh in there oh yeah yeah yeah that's disgusting yeah that's it's unsanitary yeah i'm like put your hands in your pockets you got you got a pocket right here why are we the pilot too which made it even worse it was at the airport because everybody's wearing pajama pants at the airport now i sound like a boomer but uh i was gonna say i mean i agree with you but that's definitely showing our age there yeah that's like on our radar where we go i remember when we used our pockets damn it you know yeah who the hell wears pants without pockets yeah yeah exactly nobody i clock everybody i'm like why is his hand his pants oh it's sweat pants i guess but it's like a cool guy thing i've noticed they'll put their hands in the pants you see the v going down to his uh get the hand out i mean 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best buy yeah i hate just say expired yeah it's not best by 316 yeah yeah is it pretty good on 317 i think i think it is i think it's pretty good on 317 i think it's pretty good on 317 i don't think it is i well with milk i saw a thing about this milk is still good but it's best by this time so it's different you're saying it's different but it's still drink it started to turn just now that's not what i'm talking about oh jesus what is he's half in the podcast he was going for a gag there oh i thought you were like trying to help you just uh yeah they said it's actually it's edible edible but then when does it expire there's an expiration date there wasn't there wasn't okay okay there was no expiration it was just the best but okay so fine they're different things all right if they are in fact different things if it comes with an expiration i'll be that's okay that's better anyway because just tell me when it's done don't don't give me like a rating of that now it's a b now it's a c how about wet ham that's pretty gross wet ham well you can't buy ham like that in a package why not that's disgusting oh i buy that how do you buy your ham i don't know i'm jewish you eat fucking you eat i mean everyone not till you're old though but you you didn't eat it till you're old right yeah really kosher yeah he does blow all day thanks for helping me sam it's like no no you're not gonna do that shit to derrick you eat ham now i buy eight ounces of ham and my life's fine no you want it from the deli you want it from the actual fresh deli i get it yeah gary kills the cow or no is it a rabbi it's a pig sorry i'm an idiot um but i tell you the You didn't even do anything with the Best Buy. I'm telling you, Best Buy date and expiration date are are different okay but i hear you i hear you just tell me when it's done don't tell me when it's getting worse well if you do it right you don't ever have to worry about the dates at all okay but it's kind of scary when you see the best by date and you're just in your past used by is good too used by yeah yeah used by okay i just had some pimento cheese last night that said best buy and it was uh the day before and uh it still was tasty delicious yeah i'd swiss cheese like four days after and i was it smelled good yeah yeah yeah the smell test is is really just like with milk sometimes you can use it three days after x-ray sometimes it's a day and you're like yo hey hey now yeah you know we got a little we got a little action in there or vagina you know this is expired who's best by and with pedophiles it's the opposite yeah don't open until yeah best buy is 11 it goes the other way now don't you miss doing a joke like that because you can you're clean yeah that would keep me alive i would have that joke in my head and i go ah he's clean unless he's behind a wheel in which case he's uh when you would ran in alabama would you have you would say dirty stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure i became a clean comedian like probably three about three years ago what whoa you went in the clean nate money yeah yeah i mean it was some of nate i mean i uh my management that i got under three years ago which i love the guys they helped turn me they were like you don't you don't write dark or dirty you just are kind of vulgar and how you say you know because i what i write is always pretty observational pretty clean i would just add on my own swear words so we just we kind of took them out and you got a fisting chunk to this grocery store and you're like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and it just plays better my energy and how i am on stage is is plenty like i i really don't need the the extra words it feels like i'm cussing i mean i'm downhill right you know i'm i'm working pretty hard up there so i don't you know i don't think it's something that's super noticeable i don't like you know when you get the clean comedian tag it kind of puts you in a box sure sure that i i hate to to be in sometimes because other comics look at you know you get kicked out of the cool kids club no no we love reagan and gaffigan and seinfeld and nate and all that so yeah yeah the most famous ones to ever live but i uh but yeah and so um ryan hamilton's great hamilton yeah ryan ryan ryan's great uh but yeah it was a business decision for sure smart move and it looks bad to just be going fuck the fuck the fucking give me an airport chain you fucking bitch you know you don't need that no and as i mean as a southerner i don't i mean i cuss some off stage but like i'm gonna refer to a woman as like a bitch on stage and i don't it's not like i hate when somebody else it's just i'm not gonna that's just not how i talk yeah yeah um and so it's a little bit you know some of it's natural but i mean i'll cuss off stage some i'm just not ripping and roaring i feel like if you say cuss instead of curse you you cuss less yeah yeah but maybe that yeah maybe that's right my three-year-old's cursing now really i don't know where he fucking got it from no no but he is cursing yeah we don't hear what they're picking up on the police no seriously it's a problem he's uh he called my wife the c word it was very unpleasant the black neighbor's fury damn three-year-old grunt's young for cursing yeah he just picks it up i don't know what tv maybe movies no we showed him pulp fiction the other night you say it a couple times and we have an old like the older one's uh almost six so so when so he'll be like oh yeah say fuck like right like that so he knows what oh yeah yeah then he gets him there's always that bad kid growing up yeah you pass by even like the swing set you see the kid like do those like tall bars there's always kids like let's go as high as possible yeah yeah later on it's like drugs let's get as high as possible but it's like yeah i'm working on material anyway no but it's that kid that's always like it's true say the bad word yep yep yeah get your dad's gun you know whatever yeah it's always that get revenge on the people who have wronged you yeah go to school right right bring coke to canada whatever it is you got kids i do i have a six month old whoa i didn't know that yeah yeah holy moly yeah thank you man you too though right one year yeah that's exciting yeah it's crazy six months you're on no sleep yeah yeah i mean i'm i'm hanging in there he's got a pretty good sleep schedule all right but yeah oh seth stroop is in the world it's exciting man hey the ss i uh i mean he has a jewish first name and you still found a way i mean that's unbelievable it's unbelievable um but uh yeah it's it's the best man i'm sure you know it it's great it's great and it gets better i know everybody says that but like now he's walking he's saying a couple words and he's he's like you're doing a dada i come off the road i get a dada that's nothing better the best i get that from the girls i date but you know oh yeah good good times good times but six month boy that's crazy that's that's brand yeah born uh he was born right here in manhattan you know so uh gonna i'm gonna ride kind of his coattail as a nicks fan i never got to have it in alabama we're in a free agent state right so i never got to claim but i've i tell everybody no matter where seth lives i'm gonna let him know i go you have a special pass you can be a nicks fan yeah you were born on the island my man right it's on your birth certificate yeah uh and so like i'm just gonna kind of ride that with him and just be like no i wear the stuff because he's into it i love it i like it but yeah yeah i'm a big i'm a big nba fan uh big nuggets fan but oh no it's interesting yeah well i lived in denver for a long time right yokich i mean uh oh yeah yeah i saw him in the gym at this hotel it's like unreal it was just him and like three dudes and he's stretching he's seven one he's thick you're like it's rare that you're in a sauna i'm like oh my god he's so thick uh no he uh no but he just has a presence about him you're like holy shit he's the best yeah serbian yeah wow serbia they got him and jokovic yeah that's right yeah that's the best in two sports there's a crazy montage of them pushing black guys around on the court and it's like it gets a little pride it's a different algorithm i watch a lot of nba i haven't seen that one i'll send it to you yeah serbian dudes pushing black guys could you imagine if i would have said that the internet would have shit and fell back in it was one play it was one play where one of the morris there's a couple videos i made the video i did a lot of editing on that but uh no he's just he's unreal dude he's unreal yeah they're so yeah yeah it's crazy though because he's just he's insanely skilled not athletic i mean when he jumps you couldn't slide paper under his feet right i mean he's but i mean he's just the the skill and the vision it's really and that's what's great about the touch is insane uh that's what's great about uh basketball is there's a few different ways to go about it and he's like he's like the biggest goofiest ballerina i've ever seen he's like top 10 in uh points and then assists then rebounds he leads the league he's always he's always up there but it was it's fun to watch him uh be emotional this season he's usually a pretty you know just a nod on the log but this year he's losing his mind a little bit oh is that right oh yeah sad or mad they've had a lot of injuries so yeah i think he's a lot's on him and yeah he's you know really serbian guys are known for being uh pretty cool tempered a lot of great hoopers though out of that part of the world it's like wild what was sir what there's a thing where like uh luca and him would be on the same team if like it was at yugoslavia whoa yeah they had the war yeah if they didn't split great wreck for you the 30 for 30 once brothers about the uh the yugoslavian civil wars croatia and serbia it's it's crazy no because he's i think he's slovenian yeah yeah there's something there but there's some uh connection but uh yeah because when the when the dream team played croatia i think they played croatia in like 92 or something me and sam on a different time there was something when i think i think croatia played the 92 dream team and then this was like if they would have uh combined whatever countries together yeah that's what it would have been damn it would have been very competitive that's crazy as opposed to what it what the outcome was have you seen this meme going around of the the seven foot eight guy yeah yeah that shit's great just looking like what the fuck yeah he's like holy shit it's like a movie yeah that's like tall enough to where i'm sure that's not great no yeah that's not great nightmare nightmare every flight oh my goodness gracious every restaurant like first class on a plane sucks still sucks yeah i also don't think he doesn't play that much either i mean his knees are probably ruined already look at that guy six eight he's six eight that's insane he's like talking to him the guy's like yeah what shut up i don't care yeah i mean that cannot feel good on your body no no no no and you just can't help but wonder about the hog yeah i mean where do you go but even if it's small it's huge by normal standards of course of course it's like a dinosaur dick yeah how is he an outside defender how come he's not right under the basket what the fuck is going on here he's still a honky at the end of the day why is he out here yeah because it's i don't know so when he's not that far away when he's seven four and he's athletic though when he's got like he's got like the kd type of yeah game You're like, this guy, you know. - Do women even like, 'cause this is like, you know, We all like big tits, but this is like size Z, you know, on a tit. That's a good point. How tall is too tall? You're, I think, ideal for a lady, and Vitor's the exact opposite. Let's cut that one, too. Blur my face on that one. Gary just has a PR team with him. We're like, Gary, you're going to blur my face with that. It's a horrible financial decision to be paying these people, Gary. The publicist calls me. You've got to stop making fun of Gary. Oh, my gosh. All right, let's do that. You were on a tear today. We had a diner earlier. I had meatloaf. Meatloaf for breakfast? Yeah, I got a problem. You're a savage. Meatloaf for breakfast is wild. That sounds like a memoir. Of a man who did not live long. Yeah, yeah. Damn, dude, that's a bold one. I like hearty food. Yeah, how do you go for breakfast, though? Well, I mean, technically it was 11.30, so it was late. It was late. Nothing like meatloaf for brunch, you're right. That was David's from the early days. Meatloaf. Derek Stroop's early days. Looks like Sam Kinison joined a band. Oh, yeah. Megan Farkas King and Kinison fucked. He died. He died, yeah, pretty young, too. Kinison? No. Oh, meatloaf. Wait, he was in Fight Club. Yeah, he was. Bitch Tits Bob? Yeah, yeah. Wow, look at that. I mean, 74. I mean, I really, I'm on my knees praying for that. Yeah, that's good for a guy named Meatloaf. Jesus. Yikes. And look at him. I mean, he's young and fat. Yeah. He didn't run into it with age. Right. 74, okay, yeah, so I was wrong. But that's still pretty young. Now, are you doing the thing where you're back on the road just trying to build? Yeah, I mean, and next time, in hindsight, Mark, I'm going to take off some time. I know, same here. I mean, it's so wild. Same week the special dropped, I was doing clubs that weekend, and it made for kind of a celebration feeling, but it was also like, what am I doing here? Yeah. Like, I should be just enjoying this and pushing it with press. Right. And yada, yada, and now I'm out here. You got to let it come, man. I remember Chris Rock, once I saw him on the street, and he was like, I'm going away. I was like, oh, cool. I don't really do that. He goes, hey, man, even LeBron has an off season. Yeah. I know. And I was like, damn. Yeah. Yeah, you got to reset, man. You do. You do. I regret that a little bit, but I mean, you know, I've heard, I mean, how you live on stage, and I'm pretty similar. I mean, if I'm off for more than two days, I feel like I've probably lost it. I'm twitching. Yeah, and I don't like post about it or talk about it a lot, but that just feels like, you know, eventually it felt like myself. Secret sauce is like, I was like, the more I'm on stage, clearly the better that I'm getting. Well, you fall ass backwards in the jokes. Yeah. Even if you're not trying, you're like, oh, I riffed something. Yeah. But you're so right, Sam. You got to learn when to take a break, though. Well, yeah, I mean, I took a couple of weeks, and then I started to be like, I took a couple of weeks, and then I drank every night very hard, and I was like, I think my body's fucked up. I have to go see a doctor. Turns out I need to be working. Because if I'm not working, I will drink until I can't speak. Same. Same. Yeah. And yeah, no, it fucked up. It fucked my body up, and now I have to, and I'm like back in the clubs, and I'm like taking some, you know, you throw some shit at the wall, you pat it a little bit, but it was like, feels good, man. Yeah. It feels good to. I always enjoy seeing you at the Cellar, because I don't think there's anybody better at being topical. Oh, yeah. Like, you can take a news article and turn it into a bit that day, which is really fun. Everybody wants to do that. Right. Thanks, man. That's true. And so it's always fun to see, because it's like a true, quick, hot take. Right. After a week, we all have a thought. We all want it. Yeah. But that afternoon is always interesting to see what somebody has manufactured. I feel like I've cooled off now. When they used to do that this week at the Comedy Cellar show. Yeah, yeah. I was, yeah, it forced you. We all had, when we were at Comedy Cellar, it was like such a great exercise to be like, we have to have jokes. Yeah. And then, yeah, you got to force it a little now. Yeah. You got to, but man, I kind of miss having. Yeah. I like a little homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes you like, I need a deadline sometimes. Yeah, for sure. The scare is just like, if you don't get it out that day, it's fucking over. It is. It is. Because, I mean, it's going to get ran through the algorithm and everybody's seen it 10 times. Right. Yeah. Speak for yourself. My Lorena Bobachunk is crushing right now. It's time to cut that off. Yeah, it's fun getting back out there, but it is scary. But this one's good about your wife, or my wife, is we went on a vacation for New Year's because she pushes vacations. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, all right, back off. I like to work. Yeah. But it's good. I go on vacation. And you love it. And I love it. That's right. And I'm thinking of jokes again. Like, new ideas. New ideas pop in. I mean, she's miserable because I'm like, oh, chairs are funny, right? Yeah. Back off is the funniest thing to say to a vacation. I know. I'm like, she's got a knife at your throat. Yeah, that's what it's like. I just want to be with you in another place. You're like, you fucking bitch. Leave me alone. Yeah. So. We ever out, like, around normal people and they're like, you're so quiet. It's like, well, because I'm thinking, you know. I know. I'm just like, just trying to observe. And I'm bored out of my mind. Yeah, and I am bored too. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, no, but I did. That's a good thing. You take time off your brain because when you're doing stand-up, it's just like, you just think about, that tag's not working where I want it. Okay, I got to fix that joke. But when you're out, you're like, letting new shit in. Yeah, you're right. And you need to do that. It is. And sometimes you have a fresh approach to the same jokes when you leave them. You know, come back after taking some time off. Yeah. No, I agree. But it's funny, Mark. Because of you, I'll be on the road. I can't tell you how many cities. Some open mic will hit me up that's under a reptile center. And they'll go, we have a mic here at midnight. And they'll go, Mark Norman did it one time. And I want to be like, hey, let me tell you what. Mark did all of the shittiest mics in America. And I don't care if he's your, I'm not doing the mic under the reptile center. I remember that show. I mean, every city, they're like, just to let you know, Mark Norman came to this mic that's. Oh, you think you get it bad? Yeah. Oh, you think you're too good? Mark did it. I'm like, I'm tired. Yeah. I'm the same thing. I'm like, I'm not coming. And it's like, they try to guilt you with Mark. I'm like, yeah, of course he did. You wouldn't believe. You wouldn't believe the rooms he's done. Yeah. And it's always like a 1 a.m. show, like after the show is somewhere else. And you're like, how does he have the, how do you have the energy? I'm sure his fat chicks haven't come up to you. Hey, Mark fucked me. Some lady in a wheelchair. Come on. He did it. Missing a foot. Yeah. But I would say this, as you guys are all building up new material, you're going back to like, I'm sure old bits that didn't work. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, and now maybe this fits in this new act. Because you're desperate. And also the fact that you haven't said it in a while, maybe you'll have like something that. Yes, a new spin. The inventory, you go through those old word docs or whatever, and you're just like, oh shit, this should have worked. I should have said this instead. And then still doesn't work. But you're like, no, but you tweak it. Sometimes you get lucky. Some of them you're like, why did I give up on this premise? This is a good premise. Or sometimes the premise was too ambitious and you're like, ah, I can't figure this out right now. And then you come back and you're like, ah, let me try to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And sometimes you focused on the bit so much that it lost its meaning. So then when you take a break and you come back, you see the meaning again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you working on any bits? I knew you were. You got to tell us early. I got one I'll try. This got something the other night. I think there's something here. I was watching a Mad Men episode and it was on Amazon. So they do a disclaimer before the episode where they say that we do blackface in this episode. The character is blackface and we do not condone that. And then they just show the episode, which is like kind of weird. And then there's another episode where a woman gets raped and there's no disclaimer. So it's like once you speak once, you kind of got to speak for all of them. You know, it's like also these guys cheating their wives every 30 minutes. Maybe that's not the best thing to do either. I don't know. So it's like that part, the rape part got a pretty good pop the other night. Yeah. I think there's some meat on that bone. Yeah, absolutely. Smoking too is a disclaimer now. Smoking. I know. So like, yeah, you think rape would pop up? Yeah. But it's also like you just don't really have to say anything. No. We can figure out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Humans can figure out what's bad. Is there a guy? Plying blackface. He's like, oh, this is bad. All right. All right. Okay. If you say so. Yeah. Before Malcolm X, you're like, you shouldn't kill people. Right. You shouldn't kill people. Also, it is crazy that they could show an old episode of something, but they wouldn't make something new with some guy. Obviously, you don't want somebody in blackface, but like they wouldn't make something new with somebody in blackface. Yeah. But now old stuff, it's okay. It just gets grandfathered in. All this old stuff. Oh, yeah. Things on Seinfeld might not be appropriate. Robert Downey Jr. Yeah. Tropic Thunder. Right. Exactly. It's okay now. A lot of things are. Yeah. It's okay. But there might be a disclaimer with that. It might be. No, there is a disclaimer. Is there? Yeah. Yeah. Probably. Well, there you go. It's interesting where the line, you know. No, no. That's very interesting for sure. I don't know. You got to disclaimer everything if you got to do something. Yeah. And then you should just be able to make everything again. I mean, you can make everything. I think that's what it's going to come to. I mean. It's just strange because people did blackface. So we're doing a show about this time. You know, that's what people did. Yeah. I don't think. I don't think that. It's just weird that that's the one thing you zone in on. Yeah. Yeah. Because obviously it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. It's like when somebody plays a retarded person. Right. Yeah. They get rewarded. Or someone says they get rewarded. Yeah. Exactly. Leonardo DiCaprio. Gilbert Grapes. Yeah. You did a lot for him. Killed it. Killed it there. Helped his career. Yeah. Is that a disclaimer? I doubt it. What's the best buy? Well, you can't be like, don't be retarded. Yeah. Don't be retarded. It's too late. All right. I thought of this on the way. Here. So maybe it's stupid. So it's not worked out. But you know, you got these method actors annoy the shit out of me. Like, they're all great. Daniel Day-Lewis is amazing. But they annoy the shit like hanging out with them, you know, where they're like, I'm going to be a mailman for a year before I get ready to get ready with this role. Porn stars don't do that. They're not like, hey, I want to be a delivery guy, pizza delivery guy for a while just so I can get the, just so I can, you know, nail it. No pun intended. Is that stupid? I thought of it the way here. Well, the problem with the problem with the bit is that porn is. Bad acting. It's already bad acting. So no one do that. But maybe there's a way in still where you're just like. Is there? one method actor yeah either one guy who's just like i gotta nail this yeah i'm gonna be a pool boy for six months yeah but then you start doing porn jokes and you can't do them in places like texas anymore because i don't even know what it looks that was a great joke in your special yeah by a gun right by a gun all right so i can kill myself my brain yeah oh thanks all right well that's nothing that's what i'm you have to be a disclaimer before that joke though you should not commit suicide you should not or unalive yourself unalive yourself it's so stupid yeah and you guys got anything i don't know i don't know it's i got some new stuff i mean not like my stuff's just so long form you guys are actual joke tellers i uh you got i go on i go on a journey i did try to get back into now i feel like we're on comics unleashed yeah let me naturally go into a bit i've got uh no i uh i did i tried to get back into uh to running i haven't ran in and uh and like i'm a big guy and it was like it's a lot tougher than i ever imagined i'm 285 pounds damn okay wow we don't look at you yeah yeah thank you you're wearing one six two i'm six two that's what yeah yeah yeah no i'm i'm built like you know i'm built like a football player you know that's that's how they breed them where i'm from sure um but anyways i tried to get back in the running and the problem is when you do you ever ran in so long and you're as big as i am as you're breathing it's not like a regular like labored breathing it's like a panicked type breathing situation it doesn't look like i'm on a jog it looks like i'm coming to tell you that it's bad back there they're like the british are coming yeah um and so uh you know even in a place like new york city where nobody pays attention to anybody if uh come to find out if you breathe hard enough here uh people will ask you um if you're all right yeah um but yeah that that's just like a little premise that i've that's funny that's really i like that maybe an angle could be like you hate running so much you have to get yourself in up situations to run away yeah yeah no that's to force it and what why i've been lighting a lot of fires but anyways boy have i gotten quick right right exactly exactly i'm on quite the run yeah why'd you steal that i was you know i need to jog yeah something there you're trying to get down to uh just uh can we talk shape yeah yeah yeah it's not that bad a hundred percent yeah yeah i would just say like you know if you want i mean i don't know mine would be like if you were everywhere like if you wanted a line say you just worked out you just breathe heavy yeah general oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i just came from a workout i think this thing has some legs there's some legs definitely got legs for sure thighs all right comedy yeah there we go no one's ever farted on mark do what i'm waiting no one's ever farted on mark yeah i mean i i i'm not nearly as gassy as he is today i'm i'm doing a little better yeah yeah i just started off my i started off my day with an uncrustable on and some uh bodega juice i just got into crustables because the kids i never had they're great oh they're like my first year it's unbelievable i just get the uh the jelly and the peanut butter one i mean this is more of a dream this is the thing here you go this is more of a dream come true for our generations than these kids coming up because they don't know the life of crust they don't know we grew up eating peanut butter and jellies that's still one of my favorite at my brokest after my two duis i can remember thinking that i i never got tired of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when i was poor i was like damn these are still fire i ate one today i put it on a tortilla now that's my move that is i'm okay i like that i i'm gonna stick with potato bread you can throw some some uh banana in there too oh man whoa but these kids they didn't earn this this to us it blows our mind i'm 41 and i'm like my god baby derek would be like i i dreamed of an uncrustable world yeah and now look what we've got they act like it's normal i saw a video this is so funny that this is the thing that you hung up on the date not the internet they're like you no you don't know what it was like it's the uncrustable we had to spread our own jelly we did it was a nightmare yeah yeah you're right we had to cut our own off yeah but it was i mean are you guys the royal did mine but butter i'm a smooth man i know that's controversial i'm crunchy i'm crunchy all the way yeah interesting yeah i like the crunch yeah yeah i want some texture yeah like the abortion debate pro-life pro-crunch oh look at that now that's what i was going to bring up he's pulling it off he's pulling off the the uncrusted crust wow look at these kids that's crazy they don't want to work what a look at them he can't even have the uncrust of crust that's isn't that wild see that's what i mean they don't even live in the same oh my god that's crazy that's bad upbringing he's his father should hit him is he mark yeah what are you saying we're in dangerous waters here mark this is a hot bit don't make him cut it mark's like he should be killed like jesus no no don't kill the man he just needs to grow up a little yeah where's your kid get a serbian on his ass oh my goodness oh don't pull it up but i love the impossible what were your snacks growing up as a kid i mean i had i mean oreos i loved i still love oreos my parents wouldn't buy any of that yeah very very very healthy i also drank so much apple juice as a kid really because we were told that it's all sugar we were told that yeah we were told that we didn't know i thought orange juice was healthy yeah i used to drink a glass of milk same thing yeah true i mean orange juice same thing though i mean uh it's still one of my favorite drinks but it is so bad i mean there's so much sugar but orange juice is one of my favorites are there any things you guys aren't going to feed your kids because i mean now you're like i mean your kids is your kid yeah i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know if you guys are going to i try to keep them off sugar no phones obviously uh but like like what food wise would you have me goldfish or anything i don't know no fast food you know like i have a friend he gives a lot of fast food to his kid it's like yeah it's all hard to avoid that problem yeah you can just not buy mcdonald's i don't know yeah no i know but sometimes though it gets to that hour you're like what could i not like fast food but like other things you're like what could i get what do i have in the house that's i mean across this process yeah that's true that's true yeah down there i guess i would yeah yeah yeah i would i don't want to be a horrible dad i mean i grew up in the house that was kind of weird in the fact that we had a lot of uh cokes like sodas but the food that we ate i wasn't allowed to just eat a bunch of bad snacks like i remember to me a cookie was a fig newton which you know now i mean i i don't love fig newtons but we had fig newtons growing up a lot like we had ovaltine for our chocolate milk like we were going to do like ants on a log as a snack right something common peanut butter on celery with the raisins but it wasn't like a lot of like uh potato chips and fat and stuff like none of that a lot of homemade food too i mean i grew up out in the country so i mean in new orleans i bet i mean i bet the eating was great eating was good my mom's a great cook but uh she was very health conscious so i'd be like i'm hungry i want a snack and your friends house are eating doritos but in my house she's like let me slice up some tomatoes with uh oil and vinegar my mom was the same way yeah very health conscious yeah my grandma my grandmother was like that and i i would i was just telling my wife about this my grandmother would always kind of trick you because she would ask you what you wanted as if we were going to ever go get it and whatever you said she would make it home right you could say i would go i would love some chinese food well she would make orange chicken or sweet and sour chicken just like you know nothing like crazy gourmet like with the packet and the skillet cutting up her own chicken and her own vegetables wow you know that sort of thing if you said you wanted cheeseburgers my grandmother she would make you a cheeseburger you know it was we would never go get that thing right right she would go well we can have that you know that's a healthier version of it though right yeah but a healthier version yeah uh of it it was always you know which was great i mean my mother wasn't quite you know quite like my grandmother she was that was like how she loved on you what do you want to eat right no matter what it was pizza she's making a homemade not like a crazy yeah my mom like making a pizza for you but it was never the same you know like my mom i would go give me some ranch dressing and she'd go we don't have any i'll make some she would make ranch dressing yeah yeah and it was like a kind of ranchy you know it wasn't the same you want that processed horse i want something that rfk is gonna hate you know the poison's good it's good it is that's literally everything good is po i mean people use it people used to like you know drugs it's all poison it's like a little bit of poison going into your body and you're like that's that's the meat getting up of course of course everything like you have to do everything in moderation i mean if you have too much chicken your cholesterol is going to go through the roof right right right that's all we eat i feel like i know we eat a lot jerk chicken is like i mean yeah jerk chicken that's like i'm like jamaican food jamaican is probably i i might go up there as my number one it's so good yeah i do love jerk chicken if i'm on the road though i mean i'm inherently a i'm a sandwich guy through and through yeah i love like uh a pot belly a pot belly firehouse subs like a local deli yeah i i love uh i'm going local deli all day yeah yeah yeah i went to a great one in birmingham actually i just went to a great like a great place in birmingham yeah i went to a great place in birmingham yeah i mean there's there's a small population of jewish people and it's in birmingham it's like in the mountain brook area oh wow what is uh roy woods from there huh he's from birmingham okay he's not from mountain brook not a jew there you go is that bomb damn you gotta use these bad guys for good he's everything's got his name on it like the library the synagogue you know what's crazy we didn't learn a ton about him in school i learned about him in college afterwards and i was like oh wow i mean it's not like something like in the local curriculum that they talked about a lot like we talked a lot about you know nasa the program because it's in huntsville yeah we talked a lot about missile defense redstone arsenal the patriot missiles that are protecting this country all that technology is from huntsville alabama it's a very smart educated southern city yeah a lot of engineers a lot of engineers like the most per capita in the in the united states huntsville alabama so it's like this unique area where like some of my friends parents were rocket scientists they would go to houston wendy williams uh jeremy williams my best friend his mother she would go to houston once a week she would fly there and back it was it's like this is how i describe it it's one of the very few places where there's lifted trucks and engineers right this guy's got a dip in but he's gonna get us back to mars come hell or high water you know yeah that is hilarious yeah yeah it's like these numbers ain't adding up right now damn yeah those engineers and those rocket scientists they have that alabama accent uh yeah a lot of them but i mean also you know it's not like we got a homegrown program for this they're from all over the country yeah because these are going to be a collection of the brightest minds it's also ranked high as like a great cost of living city yeah it's always like huntsville charlotte there's always cities like that in the north huntsville's not like a crazy i grew up in a it's like kind of boring but it's a great place to grow up like you know family there wasn't a lot of crime it's it's a pretty straight laced joint um bunch of nerds live there like if i created like a robot out of legos i'd be on the local news but nobody in huntsville even knows i'm doing comedy yeah yeah it's the same in new orleans comedy is not our thing yeah no you're right it's all jazz and food and partying and drinking well if you were on netflix with a tuba they'd have a parade for you hell yeah have so much going on it's real tough for comedy i mean except for you know new york but like new orleans it's like other stuff yeah it's like miami i feel like national has so much going on now too so it's like national is good for comedy but it's like not as great it's like it's so much stuff yeah great theater miami's a great those are like two that are great examples of people have too much going on to care about your story exactly they want to laugh and have a good time but but they don't want to hear about us being in therapy vegas is good at the theaters but not in the like clubs they spend their therapy money on a butt lift in miami yeah yeah give a about your anxiety it's probably one of the worst comedy cities it's tough it's a tough one yeah they always show up late it's tough way late always way late yeah way late 30 minutes late yeah you want to go to buffalo yeah that's that's cleveland yeah yes exactly pittsburgh cleveland's great phoenix yeah yeah it's tough places also that have like pretty good weather year-round i know they have like a bad hurricane season but for the most part miami's got pretty good weather too yeah yeah yeah everyone's kind of hot yeah a hundred percent everybody's doing pretty well for themselves yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and comedy thrives in a dark depressing basement yeah you know they don't want to do that i've rode some lightning in toledo in my life yeah yeah the city of glass i think that's what they bring they're like we make a lot of glass here i'm like oh you guys need these all right hold on let me break out some jokes yeah hartford is the uh insurance capital you start punchline some guy takes a shotgun out of his mouth he's like all right let me give this a shot real quick takes it out of his mouth it's great uh that's a tough uh funny but i've eaten some real shit same here dude a lot of bernie mac and cheese in there one of my favorites uh i love milwaukee it's milwaukee's great that's a real town awesome yeah yeah all right well where you guys gonna be you guys plug some dates yeah some cities i uh april 2nd through the 4th i will be in cleveland uh yeah hilarities just the best top five top five in the game top five for sure love hilarities that's the best top five in the game top five for sure love hilarities that's the best top five that's that's one of my favorites nick and sam those are the guys yeah nick and sam man they're the best they're the absolute best they are too very good yeah yeah you can save money at that club yeah i'm with gary oh you think he's letting me off that easy we're eating two meals now yeah when we go to cleveland and we're at hilarities i'm like come on buddy so we have something yeah derek's dates here oh awesome thank you and make sure you watch his new netflix special nostalgic thank you sam that that's that's out now and then april 16 through the 18th i'm uh grand rapids nice dr grins comedy club at the bob yeah may 1st and 2nd i'm in springfield missouri blue room so yeah y'all come check me out thanks for letting me plug in comedy on broadway and man that's all these are great rooms yeah yeah they're all i love uh comedy off broadway and lexington oh and the omaha funny bone yeah say what's up to colleen i will i love that she's the best man did you feel a bump with the netflix did you feel like i'm here and then here yeah i mean i'm right before which helped but uh there's definitely a bump in sales and traction which is what you want yeah good good for you what do you got i'm opening up for set well i guess that by the time this airs i'm doing z and he's when is this air 12th oh okay oh hell yeah rhyming that's in the country yes so i'll be there uh with salvocarno killer love him nashville tennessee sal's the man great great where you at there oh is this me this is sammy okay no uh you tell me la verona new york oh you tell me l.a verona new york oh yeah l.a may 7th for the netflix fest with jordan jensen joe list and rachel uh yeah uh united theater that'll be really fun verona new york gary if you're available uh june 6th uh at the turning stone casino that should be fun then i'm in lisbon portugal and then i i'm adding some shit i don't think it's announced yet but it might be on the site right now athens greece budapest damn croatia vienna jeez yeah come on cinky stockholm copenhagen it's on the site if not it's coming so i'll see you soon doing the straight of whore moves next holy yeah not a lot of money in these cities but it's gonna be fun so you go for the you go for the time baby yeah hell yeah chattanooga we're coming back at the walker theater then uh then it's raleigh and uh salak he's got his hands off the uh computer oh sorry and uh then we got uh ontario l.a for the netflix festival nouveau brunswick spokane philly uh milwaukee irvine here we go and uh tempe royal oak we got cleveland as well seattle also mark has a new documentary about the run-up to his special in boulder colorado you can get it at pushing boulder.com that's the name of the doc it's a one-hour doc one hour all green room funny bombing working it out traveling it's like he's put it together it's very well done thank you sir all right yeah and watch our specials on netflix folks love it and uh get some bodega cat whiskey as well thanks for having me phyllis you got it sir me too comedy and watch gary's special on youtube it's a great special watch that right now buy gary some chips for christ's sake he needs some chips he's got a gallon of guac at the house sunday's the day for my next bender a bit of peaver rec you know the beer juice close i've had a little too much bourbon and norman's talking shit about the fucking poke and i get down in the same way up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked samuel is feeling dangerous i'm out to lunch here in new orleans this woman doesn't look like i remember her and i get down in the same way for a limited time you can get a big mac meal for just eight dollars that's a burger fries and a drink they don't call it an extra value meal for nothing get a big mac meal only at mcdonald's price and participation may vary promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing