Delaney Rowe

This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. If you go to helixsleep.com, you take their sleep quiz. It takes like a minute. Are you a back sleeper? Are you a back or side sleeper? Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced to sleep on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? No. I'm telling you, Dad. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. I love Helix mattresses. They will mail the mattress to you. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. We got one here and in the guest room. We got one here and the guest room. People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120-day money-back guarantee. Go to helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. 20% site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash TISO. helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. You know what I mean. What's the site? Do it. Helix Sleep. Helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off the site. Hi. How are you? Good. I'm Colleen. I'm McCown. Colleen, I forgot to tell you that I'm already recording. Nice to meet you. Great. So, um. I know how it goes. Turn this around a second. Do I? Yes. Some people are so weird about that. You're going to be on the couch and also. Hey, Alvin. Alvin. You're a huge fan. I know. I know. I have water. I have. I have Magic Minds. I have cheese. What the hell is Magic Minds? Magic Minds is a little caffeine drink that I take. It's like a healthy one. Okay. I don't need caffeine. I'm good. Oh, I'm freaked out. Hi. This is really exciting how well this is going with the dog. Wait. Wait. I'm so sorry. I have a little bit of OCD. Okay. I can't talk. Just sit on the blanket. Okay. All right. I have a weird thing. I don't think you have a little bit of OCD. Do you have like absolute, like full-blown OCD? No. No. It's just a touch. Just a little. Just a little. Sitting on the blanket. Where should I put this coat? Now I'm like, I don't want to disrupt. Thank you. Okay. I'm sitting on the blanket. Or that blanket. Okay. Great. Outside clothes stuff. Wait. That's. Yeah. A lot of people have that. Simple. I'm not that way. No. I couldn't be more type B, like. Don't care. I'm like shoes on my bed. Well, then, can I put your jacket on the floor? Yeah. Now, do you think because you're. You're type B? Now, we get out of this out. Is the reason you have fleas right now? I don't have. Let's be clear. A human cannot get fleas. A human can get bitten by fleas. The fleas are not my fault. The fleas are this dog that came to the place that I was staying, that you saw. And then the fleas got in the bed. And then I would wake up with all these weird bites on my ankles. And I thought it was just like, maybe like a spider or something. But then it just got worse and worse and worse and worse. And then we had to call a friend. We had to call a friend who had brought the dog over. And she was like, that dog, yeah, did end up having fleas. That's kind of like when you have to call somebody after making love to them to tell them that you have fleas. The music. Oh, the cameras aren't on. No, I feel bad. I feel bad for rushing you. But I was so much more worried about being late. And I actually believe this. This might be a hot take. But I think being early might be worse than being late. Because look what I've done to you. I've sort of put you in a position to rush. No. No, you put me in a position to turn the cameras on at a different time than I normally do. Mm-hmm. And that. So we're recording audio, but not video at the moment? Yeah, we got video. I got so many cameras in this place. I have alcohol. Okay. I don't have any thin cigarettes. Right. Do you only smoke thin cigarettes? When I smoke, yes. Those are the only ones I will light. Because they're very. They're a light lift. They don't, like, knock you off your ass like a big, like, marble gold. You should try Magic Mind. Okay. I'll consider it. So before we get into. Oh, I brought you a gift. Yes. That's what I was going to ask. Yeah. It's in my bag. Can I get it? Yeah. While you get it, I'm going to get something, too. Perfect. Got him a candle. But I wrapped it. It was either this or a couple loose cigarettes that I've had laying around. Is he getting food? I don't know what he's doing. Okay. This episode is sponsored by Helix. If you're looking for a good night's sleep, don't sleep on this deal. Go to helixsleep.com slash TISO for 27% off site-wide exclusive for our TISO listeners. That's helixsleep.com slash TISO for 27% off. Oftentimes, it's 20% off. This is a much bigger savings. And make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know that we sent you. This episode is sponsored by Raging Boners with Blue Chew. Make life easier by getting harder and discounted. Discover your options at bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with code TISO. That's promo code TISO. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring our podcast. Ricky's on the loose and I'm coming to a city near you. If you want to get tickets or find out when I'm coming to your city because I am adding more shows, sign up for my mailing list. It's at punchup.live slash rickglassman. Here are the cities that are already announced. Denver, Colorado, February 26th through 28th. Houston, Texas, March 26th through 28th. Austin, Texas, April 23rd through 25th. Cleveland, Ohio, May 1st through 2nd. Irvin, Texas, May 7th through 8th. Portland, Oregon, September 10th through 12th. I think I'll be doing Salt Lake City in May as well. Also, Indianapolis and St. Louis, we're working on getting some dates. And Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. And I have more dates coming. Again, punchup.live. Sign up for my email list. I'm just going to let you know if I'm coming within 80 miles of your city. Thank you. I love Marissa Tomei. Yeah. You have, I love Marissa Tomei vibes. Mm-hmm. Completely. She is like my dinner party rotation pick. One of them. TPRP? Yeah. That was good. I can't do that that fast. Oh my God, thank you. I was so thirsty. It's like a candle. It's not like a candle. It is a candle. You actually brought a gift because you were coming to my home? Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. Do people not bring you things ever for this? It's been done. Yeah. It isn't done. I didn't really have a lot of other options because I'm not like home. I don't like, I was like in Venice, so I kind of did what I could do. There was no like- Did you go and get this for me? Yeah. Or really? Yeah. It was that or like a bottle of wine or a couple of loose cigarettes. But I suspected we would have done better with the candle. Where's it going? It's not my favorite smell. no way this is you did not get this for me someone who hates you bought you this no i got it at fred siegel and i don't drink what why did you get this they uh i think they i don't know i was just buying clothes and they said would you like this no way and i said i don't really drink but maybe i could give it to somebody okay thank you thank you so much you're not going to believe me when i tell you this but when they gave it to me and and and the light i'm like i wonder who i could give it to in my mind i had no idea who i was going to give it to yeah and now it's perfect and now it's perfect thank you so much yeah you're welcome you're welcome well look at us chardonnay yeah do that it's okay it's okay it's okay it's something familiar and it smells like nature okay that feels fine right so you live here cactus and lime is that is that what you're getting or is that what it says on it um that's what i'm getting okay cactus and lime it says tomato leaf of course it does it's really nice thank you thank you yeah i just had a really lovely tomato cocktail at this place in those fleas do you ever go over there those fleas are you talking about what bit you no i i just realized that that's it sounds like fleas yeah but Have you, do you ever like to go? You said that you like to go to restaurants, but you don't eat a lot of things. That's a, we're really going to get into it now, huh? Yeah. So, so how is it enjoyable for you then? If you have a lot of things that- I love eating. I love food. There's just a lot of things I don't eat. Can you list them? Okay, that's what I don't eat. I mean, yes. I don't eat chicken unless it's white meat. Same with turkey. Why? Flavor preference or just- It grosses me out. Slimy, slimy. I used to get bullied by a chicken thigh in high school. Oh, yeah. Do you like dark meat chicken? Of course I do. Do you like white meat chicken? Like, no. Oh, well, we could be friends. Yeah. No, we could really go in on a rotisserie. You'll eat half and I'll eat half. Rotisserie. Okay, that's the girl from My Cousin Vinny. You said something that was kind of like rotisserie. My Cousin Vinny? Isn't that Marissa? Marissa Tomei, you said she's in my rotisserie? No, she's in my- Well, you said something like that. She's in my, like, dream dinner party rotation. If she was in my rotisserie, that would be me murdering her. That's the thing that cooks. Do you want me to edit that out? Should we edit that out? I don't know. I never know what to edit out. It's always the thing. That you think is, like, innocuous that ends up going viral. Then you're like- I guess you go viral a lot, even for the innocuous stuff. Not me. The only time I ever go viral is if I have a big celebrity on here that calls me a bleep it. Did that happen? Yeah. Who was it? You can bleep it too, but who was it? Bill Nye. Bill Nye? Bleep them both. Yeah. He's fucking with me. Yeah, a little bit. All right. I think what my intention is- My intention isn't to fuck with you. My intention is warming up. Does that make sense? Love it. Because we met for the first time at a wonderful cocktail party- That's right. That you hosted. That I really didn't think you were going to come to. A few nights ago. I wasn't going to until you called me out for it because I agreed with your call out. Yeah. I was like, you don't want to come to Venice. Correct. Yeah. But then you said something thoughtful back, which also made sense. You were like, it's less that. It's more like, will I know anybody here? This sort of energy. This sort of energy of getting it together, maybe finding a plus one and then getting over to that side of town. So it's a couple of things. I was like, that I do respect. I do love going to a place without a plus one. Really? I do. My plus one, shout out to David Sullivan, is an exception because I could go with him and I could do my own thing and we could keep coming back together. Yeah. I had people who were very happy that that man was there. Oh. Yeah. Some fans of his. Oh. You hear that? Should we clip this? And we don't have to post it on Instagram, but let's clip this and send this to David. Send it to David. So you're hyping up even more so David feels good. He looked fucking hot that night. Yeah. Everyone was like, I want to fuck him. Really? Yeah. Do you remember what kind of stuff people said, like why they wanted to fuck him or anything? They were like, I can tell he has a big penis. I can tell. So superficial. I can see it through his jeans. One other reason is there to have sex with somebody. He's a good dad. I want to fuck him because he's a good dad. Yeah. Honestly. Yeah. That totally checks out. When I'm dating a woman and I've dated women. You're kidding. What'd you say? You're kidding. No. No, I have. One of the things I think about is how, I mean, I can't know, but what do I feel? What type of mother would I think this person would be? That's the new, how do they talk to waiters? I love that. Yeah. I am. I think. It's pretty easy to kind of like ascertain what a person is going to be like as a parent. You can kind of, I think, sense that quickly. I think you'd be a good dad. I mean, yes. Yeah. Like, look at you. Yeah. Look at you. That's so wacky. Yeah. You're being wacky. Do you think you'd be a good mom? I do. I do. Because I'm like very, I'm like a good, I'm a good homemaker. I'm really good at cooking. I'm really good at hosting. And I think that I'm a good mom. Kids love a mom who's a good host. I will be the, yes. They, well, look, I had that. I have that. My mom's very celebratory and I liked that. So I would make all of the birthday parties very special. Every holiday, very special. They would eat well. And I think I would give them like, you know, a sophisticated palate. They would eat everything and they would try things. So I think that's why I would be a good mom. Do you think because I don't have a sophisticated palate that could get in the way of me being a good mom? Um, no. And especially if we ended up together, that dynamic would be funny for them to watch. Yeah. So they would eat oysters because of you. And they would have, um, they would just be like- White chicken. They would have white chicken because of me. Yeah, that's fine. And then the kind of high and low of that, that's a well-rounded child. What about, um, teaching them how to resolve fights? Oh, I think that might be, yeah. A you, that's, that would be, I'm not sure I could be as helpful and consulted about that. How are you in, in fight resolution? Oh God. Um, I, I don't find myself in a fight often, but like maybe in a relationship, that's probably when it's going to happen. Uh, I'll throw out like a fuck you sometimes. And that I'm working on. How? Um, by not dating. I'm not dating people who push me to that level. It's them. It's their fault. Okay. Well, anything you want to plug? I'm sure you'd be a great mother, but, uh. Uh, yeah. How are you in a fight? Good. Really? Yeah. I would imagine quite level-headed. Well, I, I, I, I, I, I can't get triggered. Um, I'm pretty good at recognizing it. Okay. What triggers you? Um, uh, I mean, this is going to sound too vague, but like poor logic, poor, uh, like, um, awareness. Like, um. Being part of a bad plan. I don't know. I don't even know what that means. I don't connect to that. Um, it's something that Dax says a lot on his podcast. He's like, nothing drives me more crazy than like, when you find yourself in the middle of something that's really poorly executed. Oh, sure. That doesn't seem like an, that's frustrating. But when I think triggered, it's usually specifically with an intimate relationship or family. And I don't know. I've never, my family or girlfriends have never made a bad plan. I don't think. Look at you. When, like, if somebody's like, I'm, I'm, I'm like being careful because I could think of examples that feel like, uh, they are not my business to share, even though I'm not saying anybody's name. And I just feel like I don't want to talk about it. I think I don't want to talk about it. Let's not talk about it. When something happens though. And it's like, what are you talking about? Like, I, I truly don't, I'm trying to understand. I'm asking questions. Could, what, could you explain what you mean? And then it's like, it doesn't matter. You know, like, I'm just like shooing aside. Like, can we please figure this out? And then if the other person's a bit reactive, I then like, it's like, I feel a similar way when I'm talking to people who are drunk or it's like, oh, I can't. Oh, I realize. It's too late. Yeah. I can't have this conversation. Yep. Um, so that's where I'm like, I'm like really upset. And I go, I think, I think I'm really, I'm, I'm really upset. And I, and we have to have this conversation later. Yeah. I'm good at that. That's good. I'm good at that. Men, men tend to be good at that. Women are amongst my friends. When we've had this discussion, it's like, it can be very hard to, to, to give a man that, that break when we're in the middle of it. It's like. Like, I need, like, can we do it right now, please? Even though we all know. The break is for you too. Huh? Right. And that's what we probably don't understand. I had a girlfriend once who I'm still very good friends with. And we learned a lot from each other. But there was early in the relationship, she would do that. And like, it was like needing to figure out something, needing to walk in a straight line when we're drunk type of thing. And I needed to step away and I took a walk for five minutes and I came back. But, oh, right. I was, I need to step away. And then she was upset and she said, it feels like you're leaving me or something like that. And, and that like, it didn't make me cry, but I felt so emotional. Like, oh, you're, that was like the first time I could remember. Oh, somebody has a different reality than me and they're not wrong. That's how you're feeling it. That's where I learned to say, I'm really frustrated and I, and I want, I want this to be better. I'm only leaving because I think I'll be in a better headspace. Yeah. I'm not leaving you. And I'm very, I'm looking forward to like talking to you when I get back. That's healthy. That's healthy. Yeah. And then I experienced a different kind of relationship after that. I was like, oh, I, I have the tools and they're still not working. So it was them. It was compatibility. It wasn't them, but there's nothing, there's, there was nothing I was. And I believe I am capable of being for this person. to where I think it would work. - Was this a long time ago? relationship? I don't want to say which one it is. I don't like talking about this kind of stuff publicly. But there was a relationship I had where I realized, oh, there's nothing I could do. Made it a lot easier. Yeah. To like grieve it. But it's still hard. Oh, dude. I know. I can't. I'm like, breakups for me get worse and worse with age. I don't, I felt like it would be the opposite of that. But maybe it's like, as you get older and keep finding yourself unable to like find that partner, it just, it hurts more and more each time. I don't know. It's so dark. I'm sorry. It's okay. Can I ask you a question? That is, I really need to know. Can I take a walk for five minutes first? I'm sweating now. Yeah. And I'm feeling it being from like, Rick, don't talk about this kind of stuff. Not to you, but publicly. I feel like you've been very vague and very just kind of diplomatic. Even that ambiguity and agamatic is something I don't talk about much. But okay. Ask me your question. Okay. The question. Are you 29 or 41? I don't understand. I'm 29. I don't understand why are those the two options? Because Googling Rick Glassman, it says that you are 41. It also says that I'm worth like $12 million and my mom's Italian. 41 is such a big difference in 29 though. You're not, you're not trying to get someone on that to choose. I don't care what people say. It doesn't matter. Okay. Cause I was really relieved to find out that you were 29. And then when I went to go confirm it, I was like, why were you relieved? I think like being closer in age makes me feel less nervous when doing something like this. Got it. So even younger, like you're younger than me, which is kind of like, that's perfect. That's good. What are you? 39? I'm 41. You look horrible. I just turned 30. Happy birthday. Thank you. Does that have anything to do with your party? No, but I was telling people that was my birthday just for fun. I'm f***ed. You are? What the hell? Oh, now I'm nervous a little. Oh God. You got me. You could totally be 29. I know I am. Nervous? Do you want me, do you need a change of pants? I don't need a change. Well, I'm okay for now, but we'll see. I like being around younger men though, because it makes me feel like I have less to prove because they're usually like, there's more of like a, they revere you a little bit more. And then with older men, huh? It can be like me just dancing around being like, I'm smart and funny, please see that. Right. Well, I think this is something we should dive into. Now, when I was, I mean, I mean, I don't look at older women, which I, you are technically, and think, wow, she's older than me. I revere her. That's f***ed up then. I don't. Did you like any of this, like this thing that happened in the last year and a half, two years where there were so many movies that came out about, older women dating a younger guy and that kind of being the hot thing? Oh, I've noticed that. I didn't notice that as a new thing. Like I've noticed like when that happens, like, oh, that's that genre of thing. I have a joke that I'd like to do and the timing has kind of gone away, but I'm just going to do it again. So as a, you know, an older woman, which you are technically to me, I wouldn't say I, I revere you. No, what was it? It was something about Paul Revere, the British are coming and women are coming. But it was going to be, it was going to be about coming. It was going to be about coming. Okay. Because the British are coming. There's something there. That's what they sound like. Yeah. Maybe when I'm older, I'll figure it out. Yeah. So when you're around. Are you excited about turning 30? I'm not excited about it, nor am I worried about it. I'm not worried about it because like, it's a, it's a, what a luxury. What a luxury to continue to get older and to learn and to gain new tools and to get in relationships and people implement those tools and to be dating somebody who's slightly younger than me and to realize, oh, maybe this person hasn't learned those tools yet. And that's where I now, when I think of younger women, I often, I think, oh, they don't have tools yet. Older women, I'm more like, wow, they have tools. I really want them to come in England. Yeah. Tools and toys. That's, that's insightful. Do you have a skincare routine that you're diligent about now that you're getting older? Are you asking me about it? I can tell you what it is. Do you want to share yours first? Sure. I, I will take off. I don't do anything in the morning. Nothing in the morning. Not even washing your face with water? Um, if I have like crust around my eyes. Sure. Do I? Yeah. Can I do? Do I really? No. Oh, I would have told you right when you walked in. Oh, thanks. Good to see you, Delaney. You have a little crust in your eyes. A little crust in the eyes. Um, I, uh, will work out in the morning. So I'm like, what's the point? So nothing in the morning, but then at night I'll take off the makeup, an oil cleanser. That's the only thing that works. And then I'll do like a, you know, road, like Ellie Bieber's company. Yes. I use a bunch of her products. Why are you laughing? You think it's, you think it's. No, it's just funny to look at you and be like, do you know road? Well, I mean, I'm a skinceuticals and IS clinical man myself. I'm actually about to work with skinceuticals. Maybe you are 41. What are you going to do with skinceuticals? I'm going to do a two video deal. Nice. That's right. Can I help write it? I'm, I've been using it for years. Sure. I'll cut you in. I don't need the money. I don't need the credit. I just want the experience. Okay. As I'm working with an older woman, I think it's cool. Like I've seen so many of your videos where I'm like, wow, maybe one day I not necessarily could be in a movie, but could be in a movie trailer. Oh, I would love to put you in a movie trailer. I don't know. I think I'd be nervous. You're so old. I know. Don't be nervous. I'll like, like, it'll be, it'll be hot. Oh. It'll be hot. Okay. I'm like, really? I, I, I've been told that I'm, I'm good to work with in that setting. I work with, I put a lot of men in my videos. I've noticed. I've noticed. I've noticed. Yes. And they always say they're like, you're way less scary than we thought you were going to be. So I think you're being serious now. So I don't want to joke around and I don't want to talk about that. You are being serious, right? I was now. Yeah. We're jumping in and out. Yeah. In and out. We're doing in and out. They're not. Yeah. But why would they think you'd be scary? I would not think that even in the littlest bit. Because I'm so insanely focused. It's not really like a thing where they show up and it's like, let's just fuck around. Let's just play. I'm not really like that. I have like a, a thing that I wrote, a script and I'm like, can you just do that? And then, and then once we get that, you can do whatever you want. But like, and I don't know. I think so much of it is like, we just kind of trying to like, get the shot that I've imagined very specifically. And then until I get that, I kind of can't like loosen up. Yeah. You're an artist. What can I say? Do you get inspired by watching? Watching trailers? Or do you watch trailers to look for inspiration? There's other things. That. The second one. And can you go through the process of it? Like what, do you have trailers you want to watch? Do you just look up trailers? I will like sit in my office and I have a TV in there and it's all dark and I put it on like, I'm like in a movie theater and that's kind of fun. Trailers. Yeah. I just will go to YouTube and click on something that's pretty recent. And once you get one, it'll just go for like, two hours, like whatever's kind of new. And that is, I'm like, I don't even need to watch movies because of the movie trailers now. I love movies. I do too. I don't, I'm not huge with TV though. Okay. Are you? What are you watching? Oh, no, no, no. Sorry. We have eight tabs open right now. What's your skincare routine? I wash my face with water in the morning. I use a SkinCeuticals vitamin C serum. And depending on the UV index and how long I'll be outside a sunblock. Okay. Nighttime, wash my face with Cetaphil. Wow. People love that. It's simple. A little rose water after. Really? Okay, girl. And then I will use my IS Clinical Active Serum. Okay. Followed by SkinCeuticals Under Eye Cream. There we go. And then 2-2-1 Triple Lipid SkinCeuticals Repair Lotion. Whoa. Once a week, every other week, I will, I will use a retinol. And immediately after the retinol dries, I will put a little bit of face lotion on. I will wash my hands. Normally, I don't wash my hands after my skincare. I let, I let go into the hands. You let the hands soak in. But the retinol, I'm like, I don't know what's going on here. I get in bed. Do you sleep in like a pajama set? Funny. I get it. No. No. Shorts, t-shirt. Do you sleep naked? No. I don't get that. I do not sleep naked. And I don't understand why people do. Unless it's like immediately following a. What coitus? No, you could say it. Say the real word you would use in life. Sex. Say it again, but backwards. Reverse it. See if it works. Yeah, I don't sleep naked because I don't want spiders to go up my penis hole. And if I have to run outside, I want to be dressed. Totally. I feel that way too. You have a penis hole? I don't have a penis hole, but I have ears. And I have other holes. So you hear what I'm saying? That's what I do when I'm done putting skincare on my face. Right, right. That's what I do after sex. Are you sometimes, because you said the only time you'll sleep naked is if like it's immediately following sex. And then you just fall asleep. Yeah, do you ever sometimes have sex and you're just like, I mean, then you don't, do you not go to the bathroom? You could get a UTI. A UTI. That isn't like. I'm not like weird about that. Please. Yeah, I'm sorry. Maybe you should be a little more weird. Probably. Should be a little more type A. Do you need some Benadryl? For my flea? Yeah, because right now I would. So when we went to the party, I want to talk about that a little bit. I was stoned. You were. In the best mood. No, you were awesome. You were like pumping the party. Thanks. Yeah, you were. People were like, and you were like pretty unashamed about it, which I thought was cool. Okay. I'm okay with this. I want to know. I want to know what you mean about unashamed, because had I had more shame, I would have done less. And would that have benefited me? No, I think I was like surprised that you were behaving comfortably there and you weren't like you're, you were probably one of the more famous people at this gathering. And you could have done this thing where you had acted like that. Who was there? I said one of. Tom Hardy was there. Again, I said one of. I said one of. Kevin Spacey wanted to come in. Wanted to come, but we wouldn't let him in? And I, listen. But we wouldn't let him in. Listen, everybody buys shoes. I'm not going to talk about Kevin Spacey. Okay. But I will say I had one hell of a Spacey pulling up. It was literally right in front of the door. I was like, where am I going to park? It was right there. I'm like, this is going to be a good day. Oh, a parking Spacey. So what did you, what are you talking about? When you, we were outside on the balcony and you were like, are people partying tonight? Is this going to keep going? Because if so, I'm taking this edible and I'm about to get weird. And people were like, yeah. Well, I liked being around you high. And I was thinking I kind of want to have a little bit. Go. But only if you're going to take a Benadryl. Okay. That way you'll shut up and I could talk a lot. Ooh, yeah. That's like my perfect night. No, it's not. Kind of. You like to talk. Do I? I think so. You're so good at it. Really? I mean, I guess I, I like the opportunity. I like the opportunity to be with somebody and be quiet and like, kind of let them do their thing as well. But this is a podcast. So of course I'm talking. Maybe you would be a good mother. Only one way to find out. Like to have kids? Like to have kids. I don't know yet. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Are you sick and tired of having a soft flaccid cock? Well, I got good news for you. And I'm reading this book. I'm reading this word for word. Blue Chew Gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable ED brand. Now I know what you're thinking. This is probably like my grandpa's blue pill, right? No, this ain't your grandpa's little blue pill. This is the four in one beast that's setting the gold standard for performance. Sorry, I got a little bit nervous, Delaney. Don't be nervous. Oh, it'll be hot. We're talking. 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If you just want to get a free mattress for like three-plus months, get it and return it. It'll make the podcast look good. You'll help us out. And I'm telling you, the mattress is a great night sleep. Oh, you don't care what mattresses are at my parents' house or my aunt's house or my cousin Teddy's house? Well, check this out. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Go to helixsleep.com slash tyso to save 27% off site-wide. 27% off. Ain't too shabby. That's helixsleep.com. That's helixsleep.com slash tyso for 27% off site-wide. And don't forget to mention our name at checkout so they know who sent you. helixsleep.com slash tyso. Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? I've forced to sleep on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now, is because I'm on a Helix mattress. No. I'm telling you, Dad, put pillows under your legs. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. Go to helixsleep.com slash tyso for 20% off site-wide. 20% site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash tyso. Helixsleep.com slash tyso for 20% off site-wide. What's the site? Do it. Helixsleep.com slash tyso for 20% off the site. When do you think you will? Well, I know I want kids. I just don't know if to have them with you right now yet. You're an older woman. I don't know how your body works. Maybe you could show me. Okay. McCone, zoom in on me and leave. Oh, you have such a great smile. Thank you. Can people tell you that? I've heard it before, but I don't know if that's something where I'm like, oh, that's one of my character traits. Only once that I could remember somebody commented on my eyelashes, but it was the first time a girl ever commented on a physical trait of mine. And you've never forgotten it. I have not forgotten it. 10th grade chemistry class, Stacy. She said, you really, I don't even know if she had, she said you had good looking eyelashes. I think she said you have long eyelashes, but I feel like she was saying it in a way that she liked, like she thought those were nice. Yeah. And I have been thinking about it ever since. Oh my gosh. And do you think about Stacy as well? Or mostly just a compliment? No, just a compliment. Divorced from her. Okay. But we were friends on social media every now and then. No way. Yeah. Really? I think we're friends. Did you date this person? No. Okay. I didn't date somebody for almost two years after my eyelash compliment. That was my first date. Yeah. Well, first girlfriend, first kiss. How old were you? Like 18? Almost. Okay. I talk about it in my standup routine. How old are you? And you had your first kiss. I think I was. I think I was 12. That's why you smoke thin cigarettes. Yeah. I have thin cigarette energy. Yeah. TCE. Do you, when you kiss this person, was it kind of like in the closet, spin the bottle? Or was it like, I'm going to restart fucking soon? Oh God, no. I didn't do that for a long time. But he was actually, was in Catholic school. He was formerly my sister's boyfriend. My sister who is 18 months older than me. We'll see you next time. okay so they were dating and then they broke up and then i started dating him which is which is crazy you were dating him at 12 right well yeah i was dating him no like when you're dating at 12 it's just entirely based on correspondence it's like we're now walking in the hall together that was about it and then um right before winter how did your sister feel let's call her do you have this i hope that she answers thank you to whoever brought me this to me to a show once i forgot who you are again but i saw you in comments once and you said try it again because it didn't work we're trying it okay oh so what happens when i do this it will go through the headphones it should headphones okay so you'll have to put your headphones on okay and uh no speakerphone okay and don't say i'm here and and you won't be able to hear this no you will yeah okay the audience won't but we'll see our reactions okay i hope that she answers well after what you did to her i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't you're laughing at me a lot today oh that's sweet macon you're also shaking that magic mind pretty loud and going what is oh that's the magic magic mind i found them when they started sponsoring my podcast and now i take them almost every day wait no i did not mean to facetime her it's not facetime right i just did normal call but do facetime audio okay really might help to the test right now even though i'm not on the wi-fi yeah maybe not i don't think it'll matter she won't answer anyway so here we go hey i was just facetiming you back oh hi um i am calling me yeah can you hear me hello can you hear me now it's a reception are you there yeah hold on say that you're gonna call her back from another phone okay tell her i'm gonna call you back from another phone we're trying to see if this is working can you hear me yeah i can hear you does this work for you yes do we have to plug it in yes okay hi i'm ambushing you in a way that's probably your worst nightmare but we're doing this podcast right now and it did come up that oh no i lost you now she's lost i can't hear you anymore i'm so sorry it's the cable okay back. Should I hold her to the microphone? Yeah. And out so we could see. And out. So this is my beautiful sister. Um, it did come up that my first kiss was your former boyfriend and we wanted to know how you felt about that. Cause I guess we never talked about it. I don't think we've ever talked about it. Wow. Can I say, can I, can I say his full name? Cause it's a great name. We'll bleep it. We'll bleep it, but I can't say the full name so that he can react to it. It's a beautiful name. What a guy. Um, all like curly, floppy, big time, floppy hair guy. Like the ultimate middle school floppy hair. Soccer player, soccer body, soccer bod. Soccer bod. Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. Just keep in mind. We're talking about a 12 year old boy. I don't know. You know, I think we were together. I mean, for middle school for a significant amount of time. I feel like you guys were together longer than me and him, but I know that for a fact that you guys never kissed. We never kissed. We were, it was a very chaste, um, little budding bromance. Yeah. Hand holding, waiting around lockers and just sort of generally your friends about this like floppy headed soccer hairdo. But yeah, we know we never kissed. That's true. Of course. But you guys dated longer and I was there just for the kiss. So it's interesting actually. What is that? She loosened the jar. I, you loosened the jar and I, yeah. How did you feel? Um, how did you feel when this happened? I imagine at the time I probably downplayed how upset I really was. Like classic big sister thing. Um, yeah, I was probably, I was, I probably felt like betrayed. What the heck was wrong with me? Yeah. Like Cain and Abel. Like, yeah. Wow. Um, and let's bring up, um, what, what's, what's, what's your sister's name? Mackenzie. Mackenzie. Can I see Mackenzie for a second? Mackenzie, do you think maybe to even things out, Delaney and I will talk for a little bit and have a good time and then you and I could make out? Yeah. I mean, she's engaged, but. Oh, I didn't know you were engaged. Um, I don't think this was a good idea. Maybe I'll talk to you for a little bit and then I'll make out with your sister. Reverse it. Yeah. Perfect. That's, uh. Congratulations on finding your, your forever home. You deserve it. Anyway. Thank you. Thanks for anything you want to plug for wedding. I'm just going to, I'm going to plug the wedding. Shout out wedding. Um, shout out. I'm just going to underscore everything that Delaney says. Um, really, but wow. What a fun little memory trip down memory lane. I'll be reflecting on this for the rest of the evening. Find them on Instagram. Maybe we could get them on the pod. The four of us. Yes. I mean, I wonder if he still has that. Probably. You think so? He has that constitution. Like, you know, he, you know, we'll never be overweight. Yeah. Well, look him up. Send it to me. Let me see. Nice to meet you. All right. Thanks, Kenzie. Bye. Love you too. Seems okay. Yeah. Should I keep these headphones on? Yeah. For a little bit. I like them. Yeah. It makes it easier for like, if I were to be like, you'd be like, oh, you could hear me. I could hear that. Like if you wanted to say something nasty. Yeah. Something gross. Something gross. Fart, boogers, poop, pee, titties. Like that. Um, yeah, I don't know. I, I, I liked the, I liked, I had such a good time at that party. I also don't go to, I don't go to things. What was your favorite part? The feeling of, um, um, so as I've gotten, uh, older, I'm almost 30. I have done a lot of, spend a lot of time into like, thinking about if I like the things about me that I noticed other people don't. Okay. Can you give me an example? Yeah. When you talked about being unashamed, like I still question it sometimes cause I'm not sure, but like, you know, I, I, I think I'm so funny. I don't know if I am. Um, and if people think I'm not, I don't think they're wrong. Me, you know, this food tastes good to me. And I see on people's faces, something that I didn't used to see. Um, really, which was when they are, they, when they don't enjoy what I'm, what I feel I is a value of mine. And you can recognize that immediately. Like that look. No, not immediately. I can just recognize it eventually. Yeah. Sometimes faster than others. Um, sometimes, sometimes I'll miss it. Um, and what I have accepted is if I miss it, uh, I don't want, I don't feel responsible for the other person for not telling me how they felt. Yeah. So I sometimes will ask questions like I did at the party, especially when I got stoned. I was like, uh, Hey, I'm being, I'm in like this silly mood. Is this the vibe? And if not, I walk away. Um, and if they say yes, then like, Hey, man, great. It was definitely the vibe. There was, there was one. I don't want to say who it is, although I do want to shout them out. So I will. There was a little disconnect shot, free plug Ben's bagels. Okay. Sweet Ben. Very sweet Ben. Yes. Um, great bagels. Ben's bagels on Instagram. He brought some to me yesterday. That's right. Um, but at first when we were talking, I think I came into the conversation when they were having a serious conversation and I, I, I saw him pretty quickly. Like, Oh, this isn't what, like having a conversation with just one of the, with his wife. No, he was having a conversation with another friend of his, um, who just, I don't remember his name, but maybe he was, he was on board. Uh, and my buddy, David, they were having a real conversation and I came in hot. And then he even said like, could you be serious? And I was so glad that he said it. Cause I'm like, he said that to you. That's kind of awesome. That's bold. I would, I don't know if I could say that. I love it. I love it when someone, I mean, not necessarily that work, those words in particular, but to bring up, Hey, I'm feeling this way. And there's, we're not matching frequencies here. Do you see this too? What were you guys talking about? I don't know what they were talking about, but I came in and I was just like, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and I said, I told him the truth. I said, I totally get why you're saying that. I've heard that before. Um, I do not want to have real conversation right now. Uh, I can't. Oh my God. Um, and. And he said, I understand we talked for then, that ended up becoming a real conversation that I was open having because it didn't feel superficial. Yeah. And then we had a conversation about it for a little bit and it was like, oh, okay, great. And then some bits in and out, some bits in and out. But like going to a party where I don't know anybody, I'm okay having real conversation if it's conversation that we both want to have. But that doesn't happen too much because a lot of times I'm not interested. Totally. Or you're not interested. Totally. But you don't have to be invested to play. So I love getting to know somebody with play first and then conversation. Same. And then that makes me, it is a little bit like how do we transition into the real conversation? I do have an issue with people who can't turn it off. And I try to be aware of that with myself because I think I got like a really mean piece of gossip circulate back to me like years ago. Yeah. Like somebody being like, she can't turn it off. And I've kind of never forgotten that. And I was like, ah, but it's not turn it on in the way that like, I feel like I have to be funny all the time. It's I turn on like a different sort of like bravado thing that where I'm just like, maybe seem like, like, you know, I'm flouncing around the party and I'm Holly Galitely in breakfast at Tiffany's. Like it kind of goes in that direction where I'm just like trying to seem like I live a fabulous life. Trying to seem like, or like. Yeah. Seem like it. Or yeah. Cause like sometimes I feel like that, but especially when you're hosting, like the like capital H like hostess comes on in me and that I, I feel like can be grating. So I try to like watch that now. Yeah. I, I, I understand. There's a difference to me with the feeling like, like when you feel that way versus wanting to be that. When I'm feeling like I want to be playful and silly. I, I don't think I'm wrong. Yeah. That's fine. You're not hurting anyone. That's the thing. I might be not hurting, but I might be annoying people, or I might be taking attention away from somebody, or I might not be giving somebody the space to speak up who otherwise wouldn't speak up unless there was something offered to them. So I try to check in with that stuff. Yeah. But the onus I think is largely on the person who's feeling annoyed, just remove themselves from the situation rather than endure you and resent you. Well, it depends if you and I are talking and we're being silly and somebody walks in and they don't like it then leave. But if you two are talking and then I walk up and I now change the vibe, then it's like, Hey man, what are you doing here? Like serious. Yeah. Um, but that's also just reading the room. Like I felt funny while I was there. I was laughing. I was having a good time. Yeah. You stayed for a while. I gotta do more stuff. You have fun. That makes me so happy. Yeah. It was fun. Did you eat any of the food? No. Okay. You didn't want like a sort of a watery shrimp floating in a bowl. There was just a lot of hands going around. There were lots of people just talking over it and doing it and great. Yeah. Uh, I didn't think it was gross. I just wasn't attracted to it. Okay. Were you there by the time the pizza came? I ordered some pizza. I must've gotten there after the pizza. No, no, no. It was late pizza. Oh, then no. Late one 30. Yeah. Right around when the dog arrived. Yes. Yes. And I remember you saying something to me. You went, ah, don't love your reaction to this dog showing up. You, uh, do you remember what you did when you saw the dog? I think I went like, what the hell is a dog doing here? Yeah. I didn't invite that dog. Yeah. It was more like that. Um, yeah, that's a crazy thing to do is to bring a dog to a house party. I, I understand your position. It was a big dog too. Wearing like a vest, a vest showing that he's a, he's a professional. It's a tuxedo. He was wearing a tuxedo vest. Yes. And a three-piece suit. And I was confused with if the, if it was like the dog was trained to hold the monocle in his eye or to like, did it glue it or something? It was trained. So it was a trained dog and it was dressed well. Yeah. And so maybe I felt a little jealous as you remember, I was wearing a suit best three-piece or you were, you were angry. At the dog. Um, and I was, you were off playfully judging you. Yeah, of course. Yeah. What the hell is a dog doing here? It was almost as if we're walking down the street of a nice neighborhood and there's a homeless person there. This is disgusting. I didn't ask for this to be like this. And that's, that is kind of how I reacted as if the dog had brought in a rifle. Yeah. Um, it was meanwhile, you're literally sleeping in fleas. That's true. Yeah. That's true. It's look, it's not my favorite thing that's happened to me, but yeah, I've been bitten by some fleas this week because there was a dog. That wasn't from that dog. You said it wasn't from that dog. It was from a different dog that somebody had brought in a few days before I had arrived and then discarded a flea or two in this bed that ended up biting me all over my ankles. And those, that, that itchiness I've, it's unmatched. And I've had, have you ever had scabies? No. Have you? No way. No way. How could you OCD Jones have had scabies? I am a physical boy and I like to wrestle and I was wrestling with a friend who, uh, whose roommate had scabies. Who was like ping ped or what from, um, Charlie Brown. What's his name? The guy who carries, he has like the, yeah, that's what your friend was. He has like fleas flying around his head. Yeah. Um, yes. And, uh, I started itching and I once, maybe three months. And I went into my friend's place and I said, man, I've just been itching. And he told you something I'm in love with you. And he said, you want to wrestle? This is how it started. Perfect. Um, but he said me too. And his roommate said, I've been itching. And it couldn't fit. We couldn't figure out what it was. And I gone to, uh, I went to a dermatologist. They didn't, they didn't know. Um, and then his roommate, like I learned about scabies, which to me is just something you get on a pirate ship. That's right. Scabies and scurvy. Oh, maybe that's why. Um, so, uh, I'm like it, it, all the symptoms match up. So I went to the dermatologist again. And this is at a time where my friend who, uh, he came with me. I don't think he had health insurance and he literally, uh, he was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I literally came into the doctor's office with me. Cause I'm asking questions and he wants to hear them too. I'm in the robe where my ass is out in the back and she's looking at me. He's just standing there like looking at me and she's looking, she's no, there's, there's isn't anything. I'm like, could, what would you do if it were scabies? And she talked about those, like the certain ointment you could put on. And I think there's like a charcoal soap or something. I don't know, not charcoal. I don't remember whatever it is. Google it. If you have scabies. And, um, so then I, I, I, I did it and I, I, I put out, you have to do it twice a day. I would in your face. I don't remember. I don't know if I had itches on my face. I don't remember. And by the way, are you seeing a rash? I started to see, you see little bumps. There are little bumps, but, um, and it turns out that the scabies, the itches doesn't come from the bite. Um, but when they burrow in, they poop and they lay eggs. So I now know that where I'm itching, there's not it. Now I handled it a little bit different than them. They were like, well, yeah, try this stuff. Tell me if it works. I would be like, you don't want to just, you want to wait an extra couple of weeks. Sure. So I'm doing it. And I would, every day I would wash my bed sheets. I would wash my towels and I would wash the cushions on my couch or I wouldn't sit on my couch. And then it went away after a few days. I'm like, oh, it was scabies. I had fucking scabies and I, I want to call him. I want to, uh, we should call him. It was just a story. I remember he, before he knew he had, scabies, he slept with a woman. Yeah. He's at a woman's home too. And it's making me think of like, and he would make jokes after the fact that he would be like, after he left her, after she was probably like, well, that was interesting. Right. You know, she has itches. I think I liked it. So I, I called people. I wasn't intimate with anybody during this time. Um, I called people friends. I call people that just were over. I'm like, Hey man, listen, I'm not saying you got scabies. I can't even say that I had scabies, but I can't say I had some itches and the scabies cream worked. So if you are having some itches, I suggest this. And I even got extra because you don't need that much. So I got some extra. I'm like, I was willing to like, yeah, you started like a kind of a scabies pop-up. Yeah. Yeah. Rick's scabies pop-up and the pop-up was like, yeah, yeah. Come on over some poop and eggs. There's a, there's like a very hipster, like wine store in Atwater village called wine and eggs. And this is making me laugh thinking that your store would be called poop and eggs. Yeah. Yeah. Where everybody has scabies. Nobody in there would be like, what the fuck is a dog doing here? They'd be like, let me lick it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Truly anything off the floor. It was, it was a scabies epidemic of whenever it was, um, how old were you? When was this? This was probably, uh, 13 years ago. I must've been 16, 16. wrestling with your friends hey someone has to yeah but you had not been intimate yet with a woman that was not until I was almost 18 so your first kiss right was 12 and then when was your first next thing what would be next after kissing like they put their arm around you in the movie theater and they sort of lightly cup your breast over like a hoodie that kind of was the thing getting felt up I believe it was called do you remember this trying to touch a boob in a sort of innocent way that demonstrated we're not being crazy but this is the next step after making out you get felt up it's just there's no pleasure can you imagine I was like I've never felt anything more erotic than watching Prometheus in the theater and having a man they don't even touch it's just sort of like almost you can feel the heat of the hand but yeah oh you would yeah okay I squeeze and honk oh god like that depends if we're being playful if it's if we're like if we're having sex and as we're being like if I'm not trying to make jokes but like I'll probably like grab your tit and I'll just I'll just like I'll like put my face if I'm on top of you I'll put my face by your face so you can hear in your ear maybe I'll kiss your ear a little bit and I'll go meet me yeah that's fun yeah that's fun I'm pro that by the way I think it's good to not be in something what I call sex mode which is a very like a seriousness that I find revolting oh wow I like I like serious sex mode I like playful sex mode I like all the sex modes oh great I like being serious sometimes can you be serious right now yeah that's what I would say yeah I could if you entered my threesome and you came in really goofy I'd go can you be serious right now do I don't know I don't know if I can be how about just suck him off for a little bit and I'll jerk off and let me I'll figure it out and then like we'll see you in a few minutes like where I'm at and I'll be in the corner jerking off like this yeah don't look at me that's good yeah so no and maybe I was like 16 I don't know you don't know the first time you had sex no no no no no that yeah 16 which feels totally perfect age totally like the perfect age perfect age 16, 17 I think is a good age so were you in college no I was almost graduated high school okay when I had my first kiss and then you were in college by the time you no after I had my first kiss oh my gosh quick pipeline yeah well it was she was my girlfriend for two months before I kissed her whoa yeah that's romantic yeah I remember at after prom we slept at a friend's house I'm not the best and we were on this a big chair and like this she was sleeping here and I woke up when I was like sleeping like my head was on top of her head and I kissed the top of her head and I remember thinking to myself after I kissed the top of her head I'm almost positive she'd be fine with that but she was sleeping oh you were like worried you were gonna get me too'd over a forehead kiss this was before me too was a thing this was back when guys would just suck and fuck anything uh-huh I was more like yeah cause they're different now they're much different now has it not been fixed what's going on nothing yeah yeah it's fine don't worry about it the industry's a really healthy place to be I'm sorry that you've had those experiences no I haven't I've been very lucky so then what's making you have such a strong point of view of how bad it is um that's just kind of um a well-known fact well you know a lot of people just say stuff uh-huh sure so let's just make sure that we're being honest with our experiences mm-hmm and do you think that maybe not having um a negative experience like that precludes you from having an opinion on it I think that not having a negative experience like that when you're speaking on it it should be defined that this is things that you've heard versus have gone through yeah sure so there's an assumption of oh it's bad out there what happened like you've experienced this firsthand mm-hmm versus you know I mean luckily I haven't experienced this but like my friends are like have experienced some pretty bad stuff just so it's kind of like yeah I have a I have a from watching Shark Tank the other day could I tell it to you sure a couple is in the tank and they talk about how like they have one investor it was an angel investor the husband's talking and the guy said let me guess was it your parents and he goes no actually it wasn't and he was talking for a little bit more and then the guy said he said he asked the wife was it your parents and she and she said actually yes it was and he said and I was so turned off immediately and I'm glad he said something he said you know that was a really good opportunity for you to say that because you knew what I was asking you and she then had a great response which was yes but we didn't want you to think that we you know like we're nepo babies or whatever thing like we worked really really hard and he goes absolutely you could have said that you could have said it's not his parents but it's not my parents but it is her parents but I want to make sure that you understand that they only did this blah blah blah blah blah I immediately lost trust in them not to say that they're untrustworthy but when you only talk to somebody for a short amount of time there are some assumptions that when when you're aware of the assumption I'm making and you don't address it it feels like omitting a truth which is to me a lie yeah I agree so yeah I'm glad that nobody's ever sucked and fucked you when you didn't want it no never no why do you think that is not hot enough I'm kidding are you kidding that that's the reason or are you kidding because you are hot enough are you saying that there's a more serious reason no I think I've just been so you think you're hot enough for that I don't like where this is going I don't either abort abort abort and I think that's your right as a woman thank you now I'm gonna go pee oh god and when I get back I'd like you to have your shirt and pants off oh this is fun no can I go pee after you you can go pee first I'll go upstairs okay great Alvin you getting excited it's been so sweet it's not so up to me the whole time this you do that with everyone he's normally he's never even here when there's somebody here wow that's you must see something in you I'm a good mom I'm gonna be a great mom great mom right so we were talking about how it's I believe and if I don't care if you buy shoes I believe that a woman has the right to abort the conversation that she doesn't want to be a part of I agree I do we all do we don't all no there's a lot of people who um think that uh that is murder of a potential conversation that never existed it's true even yeah if it were only just one tiny little sentence but that could blossom into into some yeah into somebody president one day yeah yeah what else do you not eat I don't eat I don't like dairy but sometimes I eat it if it's baked in things but like I don't like cheese I don't like cheese I don't like cream sauces okay white sauces no I don't like them no I do like ice cream a lot of men don't it's weird they don't like white sauces yeah it's kind of a thing I didn't know that yeah you don't have a problem with a white sauce do you McCone loves a white sauce well go McCone yeah but yeah no I it's been like a theme of me discovering that a lot of men don't like um Alfredo sauce like an Alfredo a ranch um a bechamel bechamel bechamel ooh la la dress him up dress him up ooh la la yeah sometimes sometimes when I see a woman who I think is so pretty I actually out loud say ooh la la ooh la la not with the accent I go ooh la la ooh that's good yeah oh I think I would receive that well oh I had somebody hit on me um a few days ago and it was like old school getting hit on it felt kind of good I was not interested but you will you tell me what happened yeah I'm this is so embarrassing I'm actually painting a really bad picture for myself but I'm just gonna be honest I'm at maybe color it up uh I'm at Jelena you know this place no I don't know probably I feel like you I don't know how to say this any better than you smoke thin cigarettes yeah like you you you're you um I picture that yeah but like not ironically I think that's your vibe no no I'm telling you that starts to get cultivated so like I have to like you know be aware of that yes I don't want to get in a hostess mode with you know it's like I have like one of those really long things yes but it's just the cigarette oh it's a really long cigarette it's like a stick of incense yeah um but no I do know a lot about like restaurants and bars in LA because I used to live here and I like to go frequent them so you are at this fancy restaurant I wouldn't call it fancy but it is an excellent restaurant I would call it fancy I think you would like it. take me some time. Okay. There's vegetables. I love vegetables. Perfect. It's like the thing that sings. I don't eat eggplants. Fucking plants. It's a nightshade. Nightshade. Bob Seger. So you're at the other place. Jelena. Jelena. This is before or after her and Brad broke up. Wait, look at this dog right now. Incredible. Oh, come on. I'm going to be a good mom. So you're at Jelena. I'm at Jelena. Doing your thing. Well, I'm reading, which is tough. You go to a restaurant. I was alone. I was like, I'm hungry, but I don't want to be on my phone the whole time because that's going to make me feel bad about myself, which it always does. So I'm actually going to read a book. And you're probably reading a book, not a Kindle. I'm reading a real book. I'm reading I Regret Almost Everything by Keith McNally. So good. I love the movie. Have you seen, you know, making a movie out of this? Are they? Yeah. I'll tell you about it after because I'm trying to audition for it. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. That's my impression of a guy who knows about the business and likes to read. But I was making it all up. Oh, OK. OK. I was going to be really excited if they were. And they know they probably will. It's a book about a restaurateur in New York. I'm really just. Yeah. OK. Anyways, I'm reading and he comes up to me and he goes, hey, are you that funny girl on the Internet? And I was like, I don't know. I my name is Delaney. He's like, yeah, you are. You are that girl. I just want to say I'm a big fan of yours and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's very nice. Shake his hand. His name is and and then he, you know, evaporates. And I'm just kind of like scary to see. It was crazy. Smoke everywhere. A trail of sparkles. It was. That's fucking insane. It was insane. And yet I thought nothing of it because things like that tend to happen at Jelena, which isn't a fancy restaurant, but it is excellent. Yes. OK. Yes. Lots of vegetables. I don't like eggplants. No. We did this already. So the guy walks away and then I'm like, OK, he's gone. I'm going to keep reading. He comes back 20 minutes later. And this time he takes his seat at the vacant stool next to me. And he says, is it's part of your table or is it like that's where? Somebody would say it was like a. A bar. Right. And so he sits down and then he goes, can I ask you a very serious question? And I already know where it's going after that. You know, he's doing a thing. He's like coming in with a shtick. And I'm like, is that bad? Yeah. It would have been so much hotter if he had just come up to me and was like, by the way, like, I think you're really pretty and I'd love to get a drink with you sometime. Versus this. He goes, are you available for a very serious question right now? I'm like, and then he kind of like, you know, repositions himself and like puts his elbows on the table. And he was like, would you be open to spending a lovely night with a man who has excellent comedic timing and taste? And of course, I do this sort of like, meaning. You know, like, even though it's not funny and I'm. Maybe he wasn't being funny. And in fact, I'm irate. What if he wasn't being funny? I could say if I, I could picture sitting next to you, if you didn't know who I was and saying, can I ask you a serious question? How would you feel about spending a night with somebody that has excellent comedic timing and taste? I'm not even, pretend it's not even me necessarily. Just if that were the case. It. What's your question? I'm pretending. I'm saying what the, what's the problem. Yeah. Do you not want to spend time with somebody with great comedic timing and taste? Nobody with great comedic, comedic timing and taste would probably say that. Maybe you would say that because, but here, you know what? Let's break it down. Let's just be honest. You weren't attracted to him. Yeah. You're hot. And he wasn't hot. That's all it is. That's all it is. That's all it was. And that might be the beginning and the end of all of it, right? You're tall and hot. He was neither. Okay. And so he's like, oh, beautiful night of, you know, I'm like, oh, get out of my face. So the problem wasn't the shtick. The problem was he wasn't tall and hot. Sucks for bleeping. But, um, and then, and just sort of this like false, like earnestness. And, and so I, I said, I said, Hey, I'm, I'm so flattered. Thank you. But, um, I'm not available. I'm dating someone. And then he goes, does he have excellent comedic timing and taste? Yeah. That's so funny. No, no, no, no, no, no. Isn't that funny? Because if you knew what this guy looked like, I am telling you. But that's, but that's, but we're not talking about what he looked like right now. We're talking about how he behaved and you're defining it by his looks. Yeah. Yeah. The delivery wasn't working. I'm telling you. It was very like, this was the energy of him. He was that. It was this. You know, it's funny that you're going like this when you're referring to the restaurant, you're at being excellent. Very good. Interesting. Mr. Burns. Inter, does he do that? No, he doesn't. I mean. Interesting. I mean, that's a horrible aggression, but yes. Smithers. Interesting Smithers. That's like when the actor can't show up. So one of the writers takes a picture. Takes their place at the table read and everyone's like, the joke didn't work, but don't cut it yet. We don't know. Yeah. So, yeah, I've been approaching people in person now. How's that going? Well, I haven't found my person, but I have talked to people in person. What do you, what's your move? It's not a move. I don't, it's, it's based on what my energy is and what confidence level I have. And what the opening is, what I have found is I find it's very difficult to approach somebody who I am assuming does not want to be approached, but I don't know. Maybe I think somebody is open to it and they're not, or vice versa. You don't know. And the truth is, if you don't want to be approached and I approached you, you could say, thank you, I'm not interested. And then I back up and it's like, that's who gives it? It's fine. It was just, you stopped at a red light and you, when you went through. But there is like. I do feel the sense of like, almost maybe you could connect to it because you feel like you like hosting. I feel like when I engage in a conversation with somebody, I sometimes feel like since I'm starting it, I am the host of this until they decide to match it with me. So like I'm responsible, which I don't think is fair. I mean, there's a level of this. I'll say it first. I sometimes I feel, I don't like that. I feel responsible for somebody else's comfort and I don't want to take that on. I do think that. I am in part responsible for somebody else's feeling of safety. So like if I'm going into a situation where somebody doesn't feel safe, if it's nighttime, if it's private, if it's an alleyway, if it's someplace where she might feel safe or unsafe, that is my, my responsibility to, to stay away from that or handle it. But like, if we're outside at like, at, like at a grocery store place, when there's like people sitting outside of restaurants and those groups, you're not unsafe with me. And if you feel that way, I'm sorry that I don't know what to do about that. But to come up and be like, even to say something like, I'm so sorry. I think to interrupt, I think you're beautiful. I'd love to go out with you. I get uncomfortable because it's like, I don't like the implication of the only reason I'm interested in going out with you is because you're pretty. But the truth is, I don't know anything else about you yet. That's one thing that I can see, is she thinking I only want to go out with her because she thinks she, I think she's pretty. - I would be so happy to learn that. - I guess maybe I need to approach more older women. - Yeah. - Yeah. You know, as you age, you get less young men coming up to you at Jelena. Less and less. - When I talk to people, I oftentimes talk to them with the idea of like, I'm not going to ask for their information. I might, but I'm not going in to ask for a phone number or honestly an Instagram. - Well then what do you expect? - That's what has helped me. I don't go in there with any expectations outside of, you want to start a conversation with somebody, do it. - I don't know. I would rather like, not in that moment be chained to a conversation that I don't know when it's going to end. - Oh no, not, I'm not saying having a big conversation. I don't mean I want to have a, it could be 10 seconds. I'm saying, I don't want to see, I don't want to have expectations past that first 10 seconds. I could talk for a little bit, liking your dog or whatever. And then, and then, all right, goodbye. - And is that what that always is? If a man is coming up to a woman saying pretty much anything, is that him kind of testing that out? - I can't speak for other people. I don't know. This is a conscious choice of mine to where like I've walked by pretty people and I felt myself wanting to talk to them and I didn't. And the answer that I got, and I haven't figured out much more than this, but the answer that I got was I'm scared. So what am I scared of? I don't even think it's being shut down. I think it's scarier to have somebody, oh yeah. And not tell me, hey man, could you ever be serious? Tell me that right away. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm scared of like, I think I'm scared of them thinking I'm trying to get something out of them when I don't know if I am yet. I might be, you know, but if there's mutual value, you don't want to come off like you're expecting that. Yes. So, and I love talking to people. I love, I used to love going to Bed Bath and Beyond. I just for not to talk to people, but when you're there, you talk to people. Do you? I love talking to people. Is there a bar, Bed Bath? I don't know. When I go to the mall, I go to the mall sometimes to get bedding. Like I was there recently to get bedding. I got a new bed. I'd love to show it to you. Great. And I'm like, I love talking, like talking to people. She's getting a new suitcase, you know, and then they can be like, yep. And I'm like, all right, enjoy your suitcase and carry on. They'd be like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Like, listen, I, you know, I, I gotta. Yeah. You're waiting to see if she's opening the door. It's not just girl. I literally people, guys, girls, older people. I, I, I love talking to people, but when it's somebody who's pretty, I think, Ooh, that would be maybe. I'd want to go on a date with, I'm scared to do that. Do you have like an opener? Do you have a line? No, no. Um, but the reason I, I think I could tie this together. The reason I'm scared to do it with somebody who I think is pretty, or at least I still am scared, but I don't let that stop me really as much, but is because, Oh, maybe I'm trying to get something out of this person or this person thinks like, if I'm talking to a 50 year old guy, I don't think he's thinking I'm trying to fuck him, but a girl might. And that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to see if we'll laugh together and stuff. Honest to goodness. I am not interested in meeting somebody and see if they want to fuck me. I'll go soft until I like you. I guarantee it. We've been talking about it for weeks. I can't for weeks longer. Um, I've been talking about it on stage a bit, how like you can't get hard in this. It's not that I can't get hard. He said, I'm nervous that I might go soft. And it happens, especially if you have to wear a condom, which we will at first. And like, I don't feel connected enough to the person. So no, I truly I'm like, I want to go on dates and I've been dating a little bit. And I don't want to just meet people online. So if I'm talking to somebody about their suitcase and I'm not trying to go on a date with them, it's very easy to open a conversation. So the mindset I have now going into these things is just, just talk to this person. And then if they're laughing and if you're feeling a connection, then you could talk a little bit longer, but I don't want to go in there. Like I'm going to try and get this girl's number because what if I did, I got her number. We don't know anything. I'm going to text her and be like, Hey, do you want to text instead of talking in person? Like we could have already have done. And I didn't. So you want to go on dates. Raya's grown. How weary has it? I've met people on Raya. Really? Yeah. I've met people on Instagram. I've met people in person. Instagram is a good, yeah. Because you could see what they're, not who they are, but you could see what they want to sell. Yeah. What's your ideal date, first date that you're planning? Could you maybe, because I've been talking a lot. Okay. Could I ask you to maybe tell me what you think yours might be? Sure. I'll give you my ideal first date. This is, I would like it to be in New York as opposed to Los Angeles. Because New York is kind of like a character in your movie. Yep. And I also live there. So that makes it marginally easier. Yeah. I would like the expectation is that it's just going to be drinks. I'm not chained to a dinner, but I've woken up that day. Let's see. The date happens on a Thursday. I think that's the best. Best day for a date. I wake up. By noon, I've heard from the dude confirming. So I'm not just like kind of wondering if he's excited about it or not. I want to feel like he's excited about it. And that's what having that kind of courtesy text before noon says. I don't want, if the date's at seven, I don't want to hear from you at 530. I'm like, you're dreading this. That's how I feel. Okay. So he's reached out. And then I sort of have a great day of love. Like having the ability to do things that pour into myself. So by the time I get to this date, I like feel like myself and I'm not being a weird version. So that's like, maybe I got to, I got to like cook something good that day. I got to like get some work done, read, write, do all the things that make me feel good about myself, exercise. So I'm going in there feeling good. My hair looks amazing. And I'm wearing a good outfit. That's striking the balance. Between like, I put in the effort and then I didn't go overboard. Okay. He chooses a great bar, ideally in sort of the downtown, more East side, New York. And we have, when we get there, like something funny happens just instantly. And so, yeah, like he, he gets up and he, yeah, I tripped. Right. He farts. Oh, excuse me. I'm so embarrassed. Should we just call it and be friends? Right. Right. And then we get to just have an immediate bit and then it's like, it's going. All right. We're going, we're going, we're going. We have a drink and then it goes really well. And we're laughing a lot. He farts again. He farts. I fart, you know, it's, it's on. Excuse me. I'm, I'm sorry. I just, I have to ask you a question. How do you feel about spending the night with a guy who has great comedic timing and farts a lot? I'd be like, all right, sure. Yeah. A sharp one. It's really amazing. You don't know this has happened, but as you fake farted, you sort of blew the blanket off of the chair. It just fell off. It was a blanketed statement. I didn't realize. Wow. I have such good comedic timing. Most of your mime fart worked and it blew off. It was, it was like a magic trick. Wow. So, so, so something funny happens. You guys have a drink. Yes. Something funny happens again. And then, and yeah, it's quite simple, but then like we get to the point where we're like, well, we don't want it to end just yet. Why don't we have like a very casual bite to eat? Get like a slice of pizza or something. And then I, I, I, I want you, I want a kiss, just a kiss. If it went well, I want a kiss or else I really start to get like, ah, did we just get stuck? What kind of kiss? Delaney? Are you there? I'm sorry. Oh my God. I'm back. I think it froze. Could you hear me? Are you there? Whoa. Yeah. I'm back. I was asking, I don't know if you said anything. I was asking what kind of kiss and then it froze. I was, cause I was counting. I was pretending to make, that was somebody in my head. And I was like, how many seconds is that? 10 seconds. Got it. Yeah. So make out. A little. That's making out. Yeah. I want a tiny make out, a baby make out. What if he bit his tongue the night before and it's bloody? But it's bruised more like this. Is that what happened to you? Yeah. Bit it pretty bad. Oh shit. Okay. Yeah. Well then, um, I guess I was for 10 seconds. Perfect. That's incredible. I had a really good night with you. So let me tell you, let me, I think I get it. I think I get the perfect date. Let me see if I got it. Oh God. I, here we go. We're in New York and I text you and I say, Hey, I'm going to be in New York, uh, on Thursday. I would love to go on a date with you. Are you going to be in New York on Thursday? Well, I mean, I'm, I'm sure I will be. Sure. You could be. Um, and then you go, yeah, I don't have any plans. That'd be great. Uh, this is on Monday, by the way, uh, on Wednesday evening after afternoon, but Wednesday. That's right. I text you, I say, Hey, I'm really looking forward to going out tomorrow. Uh, I know, I know you like a guy to pick a good bar, but I don't know this stuff. So I would say, since this is your area, I would love to ask if you could suggest a place and I'll take care of the rest. Wow. You, you, That is so good. You mentioned, uh, blah, blah, blah, by the finance district, they got the greatest longest cigarettes. Great. Yeah. Yeah. So then Thursday at 11:58, I text you, I said, I'm so glad I remembered to text you before noon. I just want to reconfirm, I know we talked about this yesterday, but I remember you told me that you like finding day of, so I am not only wanting to let you know that I'm excited to see you. I also want to remind you to cook something nice and to wear something hot, but don't put too much time into it. Oh wow. Then. Then we would get to the place and I would see you and I would walk over to you and I would intentionally, but honestly trip over a stool and fall and fart. Would you, would, first of all, can you fart on command? Second of all, can I? Oh, I'm sorry. Go like this. Yeah. Go like that. Woo. Um, so what was your second of all? Uh, second of all. During the spring break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. During this pratfall, would you hit the ground? Would you? You would. In the middle of a bar. Yeah. And I would fart. Great. I would get up and I would go, I know it's funny. I know it's funny. I'm so embarrassed and I'll be fine. I just need you to acknowledge it. I don't want you to say it's okay. I don't want you to say, no, it's funny. I just want us both to acknowledge that was really embarrassing and I'm sorry. And please could we. And I am immediately endeared. And I would say to you, I'm not guaranteeing. That we're going to get a bite to eat after this. I just don't want it off the table yet. And then I would fart again. I'd be like, oh my God. My stomach, I had cheese and dark meat that day. The big two. Then I would be like, can we get a drink? And then we had a drink and I'd be fine. And then we would be talking. It would be serious. I would ask things like, well, what is your relationship with your sister now? Since the fallout? Yeah, but if it's not like, do you guys talk often? Yeah, and you would do that. I would go like this. Regardless of what I was going to say, you would have hands up to the cheek. Yeah, like that. That's great. Then I would say, this is, no, nevermind. Stupid. Yeah. I shouldn't ask that. No, no, no, ask is what I would say. We don't have to go to like a restaurant or anything, but would you like to get a casual bite to eat? I'm glad you brought that up. I'm pretty hungry. Yeah, I'd love to. Okay. I'm down for like maybe getting a slice of pizza or something, but there's this great restaurant over in Soho at the Renaissance in the lobby. Wow. And they have a piano bar. Uh-huh. And I was wondering maybe we could go there. Okay. Just get some, you can have oysters and I'll just have some chicken breast. Sure. Oh no. Oh. And I would fart again. Yeah, well, I wouldn't want you to eat more dairy. So yeah, we can go to the Renaissance. And when we go there, I go over to the piano player. I slip him a hundred dollar bill. I ask for it back. Okay. But I need this back. I have a girl that's watching. And then I sit down at the piano and I play. What do you play? Anything that you want. I would say, what do you want me to play? Love Song by Sara Bareilles. Great. I would say, I would say, I will do that. However, I don't know the words to it. I would sing. Okay. You could do that. And then afterwards I would say, could I maybe do anything else by Sara Bareilles? Maybe like something from, from Waitress. Look at beautiful. Sure. And I would sing a song about how like, anyway, I'm now talking too much. Okay. I think this sounds like a great date. And then at the end, a 10 seconder. You want me to f*** you for 10 seconds? Because I have a cut on my tongue. Can we go somewhere private or? No. No. Great. No. Okay. Fine. I'll take what I can get. But I could f*** you so people don't know exactly what I'm doing. I could f*** you while you're standing up. That sounds great, actually. And maybe at first, instead of f***ing me. Wow. Sort of, yeah. Make me feel safe first. Yeah. Yeah. Make you feel safe and warm. And then I would probably never talk to you again. Because I think you were a little slut. I just met her. I didn't even kiss her. Damn it. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like a great night. So Thursday? I'm not. I'm going to be. I'm going to go. I'm going to be in San Francisco this weekend. Yeah. Super Bowl? No. I'm doing shows at Cobbs Comedy Club, actually. And I'm leaving. Cobbs? Cobbs. Wow. I'm leaving Sunday afternoon. I'm not going to stay for the Super Bowl. Why not? Because to be honest with you, while everyone, all these guys are out there drinking beers and like cheering on for this game, which I can't do. I get it. It's a nice respite from their life. I'm focused on, you know, bettering myself and f***ing women. Okay. Not necessarily in that order. I've never been to the Super Bowl. I also have no desire to. Do you think you ever might get some type of a campaign with the Super Bowl? And then if so, what would you write? I would absolutely. I want to do like a big commercial like that. I would like love to write a commercial for like Doritos. Because I am quite skilled. I'm quite skilled at writing ads. I've learned. That's how I make my money. I wonder if, if you lived in LA, I would, I would ask as a part-time thing to hire you. Just so you didn't think I was taking advantage, but it would be really tacky if you actually took money. Anyway. And I wouldn't. I would never do that to a friend. For a few weeks to where we, let's do all of my ads for my podcast together. Let's like do like write certain types of ads and get a feel for that. Cool. I would do that. You can also do that. With me living in New York. Yeah. I love that she's, he's, yeah, he's like on my phone as though he knows that my instinct is to grab for it. He's like, just be present. Yeah. Look at me. My therapist said that the jobs of dogs are to calm our nervous systems. To calm our nervous systems. Yeah. Which makes it easier to be present. This is a really cuddly dog. Yeah. So cuddly. How long have you had him? A year and a half. There you go. Do you feel insecure about the fact that it's a small dog? Or do you like that? What would be insecure about it? Like that means I have a small wiener or something? Exactly. No. Guys with big dogs have little wieners. Guys with little dogs have huge wieners. Have huge dicks. Okay. Yeah. Perfect. I travel all the time with him. So I wanted a small dog so I could travel with him. Great. What was the last date that you went on that was, it could have gone well after, it could have not gone well, but for a first date where you were like, good friend, you did good. Yeah. Oh, I thought of it immediately. He- Invited me to his house to go on his podcast. Exactly. And then showed me his new bed. Yeah. He, he, I had actually met, and this sounds, anyway, I met him, I had thrown a party and I, he came to the party and we had been friends for a while. And the party was, it was really fun. And then we had like a little, smooch at the party. So I was like, okay, it's on. Three seconds? Sure. And it was like, on, on the way to get a bag of ice together. And I knew, I, fuck ice. That's true. Sorry. Go ahead. You go and get some more. We, so we're getting ice. For the party. So the party's not over. Yeah, no. So now you guys are alone. Yes. And we're walking and I was like, why is he coming with me? To get the ice? This is, something's a fun. No, before. Okay. And then he did something cool, which was like, we got the ice. Checked and farted? Checked and farted. You have a type. TNF. He, he asked me, he was like, he didn't go like, can I kiss you? We just stopped walking for a moment and he went kind of like, yeah. I was like, yeah. And then he kissed me. I was like, okay. So then, a few days pass. He texts me on Monday of that week and he goes, you know, makes a little bit of small talk, but not too much. And then he's like, so I'd love to take you out to dinner this week. And I'm like, great, where should we go? And this person was like, very into food and restaurants. So he came back with like, a really extensive list of places and like, what that place is like and kind of what it would be like if we went there. And he was like, we could do like, a BYOB situation at Peking Duck House or we could go to this new great place. Bring your own beer? Yep. Is that what that means? Yeah. Bring your own booze. So you bring a bottle of wine to this restaurant. Yeah, exactly. And he like, knows wine. And I was like, that could be fun. But then, we ended up going. Me too. Yeah. Heyo, Fred Siegel. Only the finest. Okay, I'm sorry. Go on. Anyway, so, I decide on some place. He lets me choose, which was kind of great. It was like, he gave me great options though. Win-win. So I choose a restaurant and, I wonder, you know, I had actually gone on a date earlier that very day and that one didn't go well. So, like a coffee date. So leading into this dinner with this guy, I was really excited about like, the fact that this other one did not go well at all. I think it like, compounded how excited I was for this other date. Okay. So I get to the restaurant. He's standing outside. He didn't go in without me. And he looks good. Really good outfit. And I'm like, and then I get a little nervous. I was like, you look good. I'm excited. It's how exciting it is to be excited about something. - Oh yeah. - You know? And we go inside. He has like some friends who, happened to also be there. So it was like a warm environment. Like everyone's talking. He's introducing me to people. We sit at the bar, which is the best place to sit on a date. - Yeah. - Which is the best place to sit on a date. Which is the best place to sit on a date. I don't want to sit across from you. Let's sit at the bar. And we order a bunch of amazing food. We have a good bottle of wine. And then the bartender sends us some desserts. And then we're eating the desserts. And the bartender also knows how to like pair, like digestive liquor with the dessert. So he's pouring this like Amaro into this like chocolate sundae and like some Prosecco into the sorbet. It is very fun. And we're, you know, now we're getting kind of drunk. And it was great. And then we leave and we decide to do one more drink at a place kind of near where I live. And it's so fun. We're laughing so much. And then he walks me to my stoop. I had an early shoot in the morning. So there was no inviting up, which is great when you kind of know that that's kind of just off the table. So the pressure of that goes away. - That's what I'm talking about. - Yeah. - Not wanting to ask for, going up to somebody thinking I'm gonna ask for her phone number. - Yeah. - No pressure. - And then, we kissed and then we both kind of had this like giggly moment and I was like I really like you he's like I really like you too and then he left and you never talked to him again like pretty much is that true pretty much why no I mean that you don't know no it just I I know it fizzled I had to go away. I had to travel. And then I came back and he saw each other one more time. And he kind of gave me the like, I'm not looking for a relationship thing. I was like. Do you think that he wasn't the whole time or did he feel a disconnect? I think something I, yeah, got disconnected because I don't think that a man or a woman who walks around going, I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm not looking for a relationship. That can always be discredited when you meet the right person. That just out the window. So I wasn't the right person. That's that. And I'm like very, I don't have a lot of, it's not unclear to me when these things don't work out. It didn't work out because it wasn't supposed to work out because it didn't, it's not working because you're not right for each other. Simple. Do you remember what was not good about the coffee date? He talked the entire time. Am I not supposed to do that kind of stuff? He didn't ask me one question. You know, I was on a date with a woman. Marissa Tomei. I don't like to say names, but I'm not going to say. And this is, happens to be the same person who I told you about ended up being a girlfriend of mine who she felt that if there was an argument and somebody stepped away that she triggered a feeling of abandonment. So like before stepping away, say, I, I, I love you and I want to resolve this and I'm not breaking up. I just need to step away. Uh, when, even if your teeth are grown, when you're saying, you just say that thing and then it's okay. Before that, um, she lived in, uh, uh, uh, London and I went to London and that's where we met for the first time. You went to London to meet her? Long story short, I loved London. I had gone, I performed there. Shout out to Aisling Bay, who's a friend of mine who let me stay with her. And set me up with shows years ago. I'm like, I want to go back to London. Um, uh, Bill Lawrence, who is an old boss of mine and friend, he was Ted Lasso. It was, they were filming Ted Lasso. It was just coming out there. It was, I don't know if it was the pilot, but it was the very beginning of Ted Lasso and Bill was in London and he invited me. I know you love coming to London. If you, I have a place you could stay at if you want to, so I could do comedy there. And I said, this is woman I've been talking to. We'd been FaceTiming for months. FaceTiming. I, I definitely pegged you as a FaceTimer. I love the FaceTime. You FaceTimed me the other day. I FaceTimed, I try to FaceTime, I FaceTime over call. If I, if. Yeah, me too. If it's gonna be a conversation. Me too. But then I text above all else. Yeah. You said that you were getting your hair done. I was. I was like that, this will be so humiliating. I would have hung up immediately. I'd be like, oh. Yeah. My God. She's putting effort into her appearance. She should just look that way. So I, uh, let me talk. So I went to London knowing that I was, uh, to visit this woman and I want, maybe I would stay with her, but knowing that like, if I'm, if I'm not going to, I have another place to stay. So I, it felt that I didn't feel, uh, I was pushing her and I communicated, Hey, I'd love to be with you if things work out. Great. I just want to let you know, I have a friend that I could stay with. Uh, I'm attracted to you. Obviously maybe stuff happens. I also, maybe stuff doesn't. I don't want either of us to feel like we have to do stuff. Um, it went in the first couple of days, it was like a little rough. Um, and. Why was it rough? I want to call her and have this conversation and see what's, her perspective of exactly what I remember. But like, she told me that she was, uh, after the fact that she was, uh, closed off. Um, and, uh, almost like when you're not interested in somebody like leaving alone, but she was interested in me. Well, maybe you arrived and then she wasn't. No, that's not, I'm speaking from paraphrasing. Remember? No, it was, it was, uh, her, um, fear of relationship stuff. Okay. So like kind of just, not wanting to shut me down, but her feeling like she had a wall type up type of thing. It wasn't rough. Like I didn't, I thought it was rough. I, I, I thought it was rough because I just, she, it was just like, man, the chemistry we had on the phone was so playful. And this is like a lot of shutting down and like, I just felt shut down a lot. And also I communicated that. And, um, there was a, uh, then we went out someplace, and, uh, we were at a restaurant and I must've been talking a lot. Okay. And she said, um, cause she, I remember what it was. Maybe I was talking, probably was, it wasn't that, but it probably was also doing that. Um, she had asked me a few questions in a row and I didn't say, what's your favorite food? Like I didn't respond. And she said, you know, I've asked you a bunch of questions you haven't asked me. And you're not reciprocating. And I, I was like, I felt so close to her when she said that. And I loved it. And I was like, I love it. And I love that she said that to me. And I said, I, that makes sense. This was also during a period of my life where I was learning about myself and communication. I wasn't interested in what her favorite, what her favorite thing was. And I wasn't interested in telling her the answer to her question. I didn't even think she was, she was, it just felt superficial. Not saying it was, but I'm like, oh, I, I guess that may. And then we just got into a conversation about that type of stuff and what we're actually curious about and felt so close with her. I also felt like, oh, she'll tell me how. Yeah. Yeah. But okay. So my friend, Zach Zucker, do you know this guy? I don't know. He's, um, cause he's a comedian. He was, I was kind of talking about this exact same thing with him and he had a really good take on it, which, you know, don't you think it's bizarre that this is this kind of universal experience that women have with men of them not asking questions. Every girl has this. We all talk about it all the time. It's big all over the internet. It's a, it's like a known thing that men are in general, not great at asking questions. Why do you think that is? So good, good, good stuff. Thank you. I mean, I'm curious. Um, I, okay. So I am, I'm with Zach and I said, what do you think? He's like, I actually feel like I know what it is. And it's that when men get together, we don't fucking ask each other questions. We just talk about things. I barely know anything about my best friends. We just talk and the conversation just goes here and there. And we're not really doing this like interview style type thing. Uh, women, we really do do that. And so it's like the man and the woman are getting together, expecting the interaction to be like how they feel when they're most comfortable with somebody. Like they're a woman with her female friends and a man with his female, with his male friends. And then we're trying to recreate that level of comfort and camaraderie with each other. Although we have extremely different communication styles. So it's just like this. Does that make you feel any negative way? Or have you accepted that? I've sort of accepted that. And now I've realized like any guy who's like just a little bit on the internet kind of knows that this is a problem and has kind of corrected for it. And then some guys don't. I asked lots of questions. I was, I was surprised that she felt that way. And I was glad that she told me. That day I wasn't asking questions or that, that meal, I wasn't asking questions. And what I now remembering what I learned was that, and maybe this is a feminine thing. If there's something I want to tell you, I'm not going to wait for you to ask me. I, yeah, I'm starting to get there with that. And that's what earlier I was talking about going into a party and being like taking up space of somebody else. Like maybe you need to give them space for them to speak up. I have a close friend of mine who's a female who is so funny. Does, doesn't speak up if there isn't a pause. And I've learned that like, oh, I will hold on, hold on. I want to say something. I'll do that. And I think I assumed, I did assume that if somebody had something that would say, they would say it, but they didn't feel safe in that space. But also like, I'm not done. I'm just kidding. Women find it attractive when you demonstrate that you're interested in us. And asking a question does that. So a lot of it's really a test. We're waiting. We're like, is he going to show me his interest in me? Yeah, I guess. But sometimes it feels that dating feels like an interview. And I, I think it's manipulative and I don't want to calibrate that way. And that's why for better and worse, I want to do jokes at the beginning. Jokes at the beginning. Yeah. Trip and fart. Yes. Really? I think there's so much in information given by doing jokes. What do you laugh at? What don't you laugh at? What are we laughing together at? I feel safer with people who are funny. Yeah. I feel, I feel attracted to people who make me laugh. Not even just physically attracted. Like my friend, I'm attracted. Almost all of my friends are very funny. And then some aren't, but the grandfathered in before we needed funny. Yeah. And like, I know this person. I love this person already. Yeah. Um, I do think funny people can be, a little exhausting, but I don't know. I don't sense that you get into that. Like you're, you can keep pretty high energy around all funny people. Like, cause you're meeting them there like but what do you explain what you mean about being exhausting you're saying like you're at a you're at a table with a bunch of comedians don't you leave that dinner and you have like a ringing headache and like you've lost your voice like that's how I think like a dinner with a bunch of funny people can be like like maybe I don't know no you're fine you don't have to pretend to have the same thing that I have well I know what you're saying about your voice being gone you know like oh we had a good night of laughing I love performing for my friends and and I love being in the audience with my friends so like if I'm if I'm in the pocket or something and I want to be silly I'm going to be silly and if I'm not wanting to be and I'm tired or whatever like I'll just sit there and get a free dinner show you know I both they they both I know I guess no I don't know it's okay you don't connect you don't have to connect on anything in fact we haven't connected on a lot of things what else do you not eat what don't you eat um I don't love eggplant nightshade but I don't I I don't like eggplant and um that might be it well it was a pleasure getting to know you I don't want to stop talking to you now though okay I'm just going to tell you things about me yeah uh so when we were texting you said that because I said to you well I maybe find my wife at your party and you said maybe it'll be me about you and then we were like oh well what do you like because we didn't we never met each other we only knew each other from online videos and stuff and you said why don't you talk about the the ham and the straight and your your your opinions oh yes yes I think that with every great romantic couple the dynamic is unwavering you find this every great couple there's a ham and then there's the straight man and I always don't try to give examples of like what kind of comedy that is it's like a Charlie Day and a Jason Bateman that Charlie's the ham Jason Bateman is the straight man both funny they're just different bosses too yes that's why I yes that's why I did that um and uh yeah pretty much it's unweighted it doesn't really seem like it's unweighted but it's switch. Kind of like in the middle would be Jason Sudeikis. That's exactly right. That's why I use this. Okay. So I thought that was an interesting, that was an, I thought that was interesting because I believe you and I disagreed with you. Because that's, that's, that's, that sucks. You would think that. Well, you said that I am Jason Bateman and you're Charlie Day. You said you're the ham and I'm the straight. Before I met you, I was like, I'll definitely be the ham and you'll be the straight man. And then when I met you, I think I said it to you within 20 minutes. I was like, nevermind. You're the ham and I'm the straight man. But that means that you don't get to be the ham and you like to be the ham. And I think that sucks. I know it does suck. And I almost become like relegated to being the straight man. And then it would make me like resent you. And I've been that before. I dated like the ham of all hams. And I was like a shrew. I was constantly just being like, like, like, like spanking him on the wrist, slapping him on the wrist. I don't know. I don't know. I don't him on the roof. Why couldn't I put that together? You know, bang. Why couldn't you be the ham too? Because it's like two people fighting for the spotlight. It doesn't tend to like be. Have you seen only murders in the building? They're not dating. It's intimate. They're not dating. And I think I actually really want that. I want to be able to have like a guy sort of like. That expression I just did. What was that? Her. Oh, you. You want a straight man. A little. You don't want to be with a homosexual. I have been. Yeah? Yeah. You seem artistic. You seem autistic. Thank you. I think that it's like I was saying being with my friends. Like I want to be the ham. I also want to be in the audience. So your verse? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guy who thinks he can have it all. Yeah. Yeah. I am. That's a nice touch. I want to laugh all the time. And I want to laugh a lot of the time. Today. Seriously? Yeah. What was that? I was listening to a song. I was at a red light and I pulled out my phone. I don't do it much, but I've done this. I'm pretty good at not being on my phone when I'm in the car. Okay. But the light was pretty long and there's a lot of cars. And I know this light's going to be at least a minute. And I read a message on Instagram that somebody I don't know sent me just a nice message about like something they've learned from my podcast. And I connected with it because like this is something I talk about. And I started crying a little bit for four seconds. It was a throat cry. Yeah. Maybe more breathing out than like, oh. An attractive cry? Do you think you're a pretty crier? I've never looked at myself when I cried. I don't know. I can't imagine. I can't help but like feel a little cinematic when I cry in front of a man. I'll like, like when I'm alone, I think it's grotesque. I'm sure it's- You change the way you cry when you're with a man. I'm definitely, I'm definitely like, you know, that- And then you look to see if they're- Then I go, I think we're done here. Guess there's nothing left to say, is there? Cheeks are flushed. Can we try this? Lip is pouty. I don't know if I can cry. I can make you cry? Well, come on, turn the cameras off for a second. You know, the easiest way to cry is just not blinking. That's what I just did. Could you tap into something that you were sad about in a relationship? A fight? A feeling? I'm so over it that I can't connect to it. Oh, I can't see you at all now. I'm so blind. Maybe you should put your glasses back on then. You don't actually have to cry. I just want you to actually be like, you're over it and you're done. And you're done with this. Okay. So- We're going to start? We're doing an improv about a breakup? No, I just want to have a- Yes, I guess. Okay. But I don't want to call it a breakup because I don't know what's going to happen. Okay. But you, I was just inspired by you saying when you cry, you cry. It's cinematic. And then it drips down your face a little. And even though you're conscious of how he's viewing you and you're trying to kind of manipulate how he sees you, you still then shut it down and say, I'm done. And then I would then say to you, what are you feeling? And would you be able to tell me? Sorry, Ty. I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know. All I know is I don't want to feel this way. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. And you know what? You make me laugh. You really do. Nice. Nice. But I'd way rather be with somebody who doesn't make me laugh. You make me cry. Is this something you've felt like, and I believe that I've probably missed something. Do I make you cry a lot? Really? Could you tell me, like, I don't even know what just happened. I have nothing left to say anymore. I just, I think you should go. I'm sorry. Maybe the timing was bad, but I have good taste. Oh, fucking circle. The thing is, the thing is about farting is like, you ever in an argument with somebody and you like, you don't want to be, and you notice that you're like kind of fighting each other instead of trying to fix the problem. And then you just remember like, oh, this is insane. And you either like, you either fart or you pull out your penis or you grab her penis. Um, like you, you start like, you start. Initiating sex. Is that what you're saying? In the middle of a fight? Sure. I have. Yeah. But that's not what I'm talking about now. I don't know. Have you? Have you? Never? Rude. What's that? You don't fight. No, I'll run away. Right. You sound like her now. You don't know what you're feeling, but you don't want to feel it anymore. So you just leave. I've dated both of you guys before. It's fucking exhausting. Interesting. He's got these beautiful blue eyes. I'm just noticing. Yeah. Yeah. Are you in a relationship? No. That's cool. You want to make out with her sister. It's going to be an uphill battle. I'll tell you that much. That's right. People don't know what they're feeling and refuse to investigate. To me, that is a big old red flag. Big old red flag. Because how am I supposed to know? Yeah. I do know what I'm feeling. I just, um, for that scene that we did, that's just what I said because like, that's such a cinematic thing to say. Like, I can picture Winona Ryder saying that in, like, Girl Interrupted. And that's, like, what I'm channeling in that moment. And she has, like, a cigarette. It's ash. Like, it's… It hasn't been ash. It's so long. And she's just like beautiful tears. And she's just, I don't know. And that's. Do you, have you been inspired by Winona Ryder? Winona Ryder. Winona. Winona. Are you saying? Winona Ryder. Winona Ryder. Winona. Winona. Winona. That's a crazy name. Winona. It's named after a city in Minnesota that she was born in. Winona, Minnesota. All right, freak. Minnesota. All right. Fuck ice. Winona Ryder. Has she inspired you? Absolutely. Absolutely. She's amazing. Who else? I love Jennifer Lawrence. Yeah. Met her at a sushi restaurant once. Which one? The one from the, like the, what, you know, the. From the future? From like Silver Linings Playbook and what is it called? Hunger Games. Hunger Games. Yeah. What the hell are you talking about? What sushi restaurant, Rick? Oh, I don't know. I hadn't eaten in a while when I got there and I felt like I was in a little bit of Hunger Games what was the other joke something about coming in England Paul Revere no that wasn't it the British are coming the British are coming I love what they're having romcom is your favorite genre to satirize so no I actually really love like action like action movies because these romcom it's already sort of a satire like I love a movie that's taking itself deadly seriously and then just kind of ripping that apart okay yeah absolutely and it's really fun to like run around my apartment in like a cat suit and be like mom is home you know like I like that that's fun yeah you're really good at getting locked in thank you because I'm not winking like I'm playing it straight and that's actually like when when people do come over and they do videos with me I have to explain that to them I have to be like I know it'll be your instinct to like be like jokey joke play this like a joke but I'm like the more you cannot do that the better it will be yeah it's difficult to find people who could lock in in that way and I imagine I won't I imagine that you've had people on yours where you felt like maybe you would have liked them to lock in a little bit better yeah I'm like oh you missed it ah you missed it yeah so how do you feel about that I don't know like while you're directing them do you know it in the moment and do you keep trying and eventually give up do you not know until editing um no I know way before but no I just keep going and I'll be like and I'll just try to make it fun and not me being like like you know tiktokzilla and just say wait wait can you do it this time like you won't do that you know I will I'll be like can you do it this time and this time like like this the stakes are so high oh they'd be deadly serious do you give line reads um I will ask I'll say isn't that funny can I give you one and they'll be like and they're always like yes Jesus fucking Christ give me a line rate like yeah but like I I think I wouldn't have liked a line reading if it were reversed so I always ask got it yeah if I were ever doing something with you and I was directing it I'll try and remember that but I feel like giving line reads not a line read to tell you this is how you have to do it but a line read to almost show you the emotion or tone do a different read but this is whatever you're feeling from the way I'm doing it this way yes that's what I'm looking for I think that when tone is not consistent among performers it's it's it blows it up everything else can be great yeah and what you do is such a specific tone and I wonder what type of obstacles you come across because I I'm not saying what I do is is the same or what I do is the same I'm not saying what I do is the same or what I do is the same or what I do is the same or what I do is even good but I do know that there's things that I do that it's very important to me that the joke isn't in the performance and it's very just do good acting that's what makes this work it's the writing, yeah and I think people go in they want to be funny they want to not be this they want to be that and I've noticed it's like some people you could you could try and ask certain things some people's like oh this person won't do it won't be good for this and I become judgmental of them as a performer yeah of course of course do you know anybody as a performer as a performer do you know anybody that's your friends with and that you they've done stuff with you and they just couldn't hit it and you look at them different I understand that's a shitty question I well it's not because I have a really good answer which is no every single person that I've done a video they get it they get it maybe they don't get it within the first 20 minutes but then they get it and what I've learned is I need to give them a little time to take themselves seriously I need to like give them permission to take it seriously so that takes a little while could you give an example of what that looks like it's like I'll let you get it out I'll let you get out the gags for a little and I'm not going to say anything but then you're going to start to see me doing what I'm doing and then you're going to be like oh now I can go there with her I can match it because she's been she's giving me an example of like how like you know how much we're not winking and then they're they go like I actually have permission to not go for the joke every time so you want them to figure it out yeah it doesn't feel like a waste of time to you no because that's how they stretch yeah yeah totally and then the line reading thing like when the video is like a minute so sometimes I'm like I know I need to hear it this way in order for the edit to work and then that's where the line reading comes in but you're trying to let it happen though naturally I bet you would be really good in a video of mine I would like to see you in there I would like to be part of one and I think they're so great I think you're so good at it and I don't remember which one it is I'm sure you'll know you just out in the rain yeah of course the one that was like the one but that one unless you repost it I think I saw that maybe a year ago yeah it wasn't that old yeah because you've been doing this for years yeah is that the one that blew up the most yeah that's the one that is most like widely referenced so good that like took things to a different place and there was nobody else in it it's just me I not having enough information and I'm just going to throw out a hypothesis that is when you do this with people if you guys aren't you have to be locked in mm-hmm they have to be locked in mm-hmm and you all have to be locked in together which is three times harder than or two extra points of failure mm-hmm than you just being locked in by yourself mm-hmm and I don't see you doing too many things by yourself not that that's what you should only be doing mm-hmm but I would as a new friend of yours would challenge you to write more stuff that way I the majority of videos I do are about myself oh really yeah yeah that's the only one that I could imagine no almost all of them are by myself I think sometimes like the ones that other people can go like become very popular but no if you look at the the ratio there it's mostly me it's mostly me doing like a one a one taker yeah great yeah but no and I and for that reason because it's like if the video fails I want it to fail because of me I don't want to like think that it was because of somebody else well that's where I'm at that's where I'm getting it like but the somebody else thing it just it feels like like not dating but like you have to find people that match your frequency mm-hmm and I just think what you do is a very unique specific frequency mm-hmm that I have had trouble finding people that do it like that I think people who are good at that there's some improvised like when I watch improv I love improv mm-hmm when you watch improv and you see somebody in the scene just like really believing it and doing it I love it I know me too I think it's so but it's not better or worse I mean big is fun but like I see so many great improvisers that are capable of that and they'd never do that yeah you know it's always it's always about the joke it's scary yeah to like play it straight yeah having the straight man but you playing it straight is so hammy right I mean that's yes that's what makes it so painful to watch if I was like doing it winking I don't think it's as painful I don't want you to know I'm in on the joke necessarily I connect very much to that I wonder if then you can be both maybe in a well certainly I'd say in a entertainment sketch relationship yeah in a sketch relationship yeah in an entertainment setting I'm telling you this this theory it is really just about significant others but but I don't prove me wrong prove me wrong well I mean you're being pretty straight person now do you do you have an example of a couple that you can look at and go I can't figure out which one is the ham and which one is the straight man I mean my mom is more a ham than my dad consistently but they're both my dad gets my mom is more a ham My mom is much more outspoken. dad gets very silly. My dad gets stoned all the time. They're both. Okay. All right. So maybe that's your experience. That's your truth. And my mom is really funny. Are they together? Yeah. They're so funny. My parents are so funny. My grandma's so funny. Do you have siblings? I have a brother. Very funny. Great. Is he older? Two and a half years when we were in high school, it's around the same. No. Great. Yeah. He lives in California. He has a restaurant. Shout out to the Greyhound in Highland Park. Really? Yeah. I love Highland Park. Yeah. You could probably get around to like, like when you're in California, you probably get around. I get it. Yeah. I'm saying you probably sleep with a lot of, yeah. A lot of restaurants. Yeah. My cousin works at a restaurant right by you. I've never been to River. Oh yeah. And I want to go to it. I want to go too. Apparently it's amazing. You've never gone? No. Any chance you're going to be back in town on a Thursday? I, I, I'm here until Friday. I leave tomorrow. Yeah. I'm leaving tomorrow. Then you get back on Sunday. Yeah. And that, that sort of, it's that sliding doors moment, you know? It seemed like you were going to say ships in the night and then switched it to sliding doors. Cause you said sliding. Were you thinking ships in the night? No, I think so. Must've been, but. What's funny about this is this, this could have been sliding doors or ships in the night. I don't see how that could be sliding doors. It's doors go like this, the sliding, they slide. They don't slide past each other. Right? What doors are you? One is often stationary, but I feel like. Talking about one goes across it. But at most, at most it would go like this, right? No. There was some sliding closet doors that was around yesterday that they could both. Wow. You were around some sliding closet doors yesterday. Yeah. That's it. What a day. I actually have those upstairs and I think it's ridiculous and they confuse me. So I have seen this. So you have seen them. Yeah. I just don't like it on much of the ships. So that's different, right? Not liking something and not acknowledging it's existing. I mean, I mean, to say something's possible, like, oh, look, I just grabbed two birds. I mean, maybe, but that more looks like, more looks like you were, you know, like ripping something up. Oh, here, better, better, better. That was. Took down someone's fly. Yeah. Well, I mean, if I go like this and it's above me, chances are maybe it was at a deli counter or something else. I could have pulled a girl's really long nipple. Yeah. Closet door. Closet door. You know, it wouldn't be my first guess. This is nice. This has been nice. Yeah. Is that it? I mean, we're getting there. Is there anything else? don't give him fleas a human can't get fleas for the love of god is it unattractive that you do you find me more attractive after finding out that uh when i was a teenager i had scabies no then why have i been keeping this secret for so long you just told it on a podcast my name's rick glassman and i had scabies pooping eggs pooping eggs man it was really funny that was the last time i cried on this podcast because i was laughing so hard oh when was the last time you cried on this podcast before this before pooping eggs yeah um the last time i cried you're covering the goods will you bring this down a little the last time i cried was certainly this week it was this week i was coming home from school from drinks with some girlfriends and the uber driver had the music on and he was playing fix you by coldplay yeah and i was just like why i'm misty makes me cry that song yeah so you do but let me guess you don't know why um i don't know i do know why yeah but i don't want to say it on the podcast would you tell me yeah uh do you trust that i'll bleep this yeah um and also like you have a drink and then fix you fucking comes on and it's just like i'm looking out the window my job is to like notice these cheesy moments in movies and so i was like i'm in one yeah and it's funny because it kind of feels good because it feels like there's a catharsis there or whatever but yeah totally growing up when you had food food poisoning i don't want to throw up but it'll make me feel better to get this out i'll do it yeah yeah yeah and that's the power of coldplay have you ever seen the video where of um why am i not remembering his name um he loves harmonies chris martin well chris martin and the guy that loves harmonies harmony corinne uh jacob coulier coulier coulier is he also in coldplay no i'm not going to be able to play much of this but jacob coulier coldplay it's coulier it's like a french see he's coulier i'm gonna uh john michael will only obviously use whatever we can if we can um but so he is a brilliant musician who um i think now at least in my mind famously conducts his audiences uh as if they're choirs and has them like like he'll like oh it's brilliant so and he is playing he is doing uh uh fix you and then um and then um chris martin comes out with him uh have you seen this i'm sorry that you can't hear this now we'll only be able to show us a couple of jump cuts but i just want you to hear some of this okay and then think about what you told me oh great i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm like oh wait a minute this is the opposite of what we're changing something it's this this is just an audience who is the choir in the back oh and then chris martin walks out i think surprises everybody that's the audience that he trained to do this is this okay to play yeah i'm like what are you trying to do i'm sorry should i send it to you later isn't that cold play it's why and he had a stadium full of people being a choir like that i'll send it to you and maybe unless you say you know what it is it is like something are you familiar with the term choogy no it is like a classification of things like millennials love and like choogy are you a millennial i'm technically i'm a cusper i'm a cusper but i identify largely with millennial culture i suppose cold play very choogy have you heard this term you're too young how old are you we're too young 26 i don't think i've heard choogy though i was a senior when he was a freshman yeah i love seeing you do your i do like seeing that too because it makes me feel like i did something yeah oh yeah not you me yeah i did something right yeah i think it was funny did he punch out on me that video that you just showed me is like so saccharine though that it it kind of like makes me like it's like off-putting i don't know what you mean by saccharine like sickeningly sweet like like and that's off-putting why um because it's just like isn't that a jennifer lawrence quote and between two you should be off-putting yeah because you're fat yeah yeah because it's too sweet and but does it seem fake sweet i i think it's just like there's something uncomfortable about like watching everyone get to this big almost like and i'm not calling it masturbatory it was beautiful it's lovely i literally cried but i don't know just kind of like i don't know i don't know i don't know the heebie-jeebies everyone just kind of being like tear stream down your face you're a horrible boy never had one lesson yeah i thought i don't know i thought you'd be able to sing especially when you started i'm like oh she's gonna be able to do this yeah yeah yeah no i had to kind of face that about myself a few years ago i kept getting asked to audition for like musical things and then i i was like guys you have musical vibes i get it i have theater kid vibes that's different though i took a singing class recently and i might keep doing it i want to be able to sing i really want to be you're not gonna be able to i i i i'm very musical either you have it or you don't and if at this point you don't have it you're never gonna get it baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low and get the music on the soft and slow baby we ain't got nowhere to go i hope you understand i've been thinking about this all day long i never felt a feeling quite this strong girl i love how much it turns me on just to be your man so you got it or you don't but i'm not gonna tell you i don't you that was pleasant that was pleasant that did something for me it did something for me i will say though you were joke singing you were still doing jokey sing no i was aware that it's a silly situation but i was really singing okay maybe lock them doors and what so like that's sort of like you're you're kind of dropping into a Yeah, because I, when I listen to songs, I want it like, oh my, you know, I want to like sing up there, but like, that's not, I can't do that. Yeah, that's not where you live. So, Josh Turner has a low register. So like, I find like when I sing songs that start low, I'm like, oh. So that you can go high. No, I can go low. I don't, no. So that, no, when it goes high, it doesn't blow you out of the water. Not even saying that. I'm just saying, when I hear a song that's here, for me to like bring it down and transpose it, it feels like that's not how the song goes. I try to sing it in their register. So you just sing the low song. I get that. But with enough training, maybe I, I'm not going to be singing songs and being like a, people are buying my albums, but like, so I could, so I can sing. I want to do musical theater. Yeah, I think something about adults learning a new skill that I'm skeptical about. Yeah, you don't like when adults. Like grow. You don't like when all people are like all on the same frequency and holding hands and being loving. No. Yeah. You just want guys to fall and fart and ask you questions. You're fucking such a New York bitch. It just appears. I would love that. Can we put that in post? You obviously haven't watched a lot of my podcast. Yes, I have. I know you're going to put the fart in. It was pooped and knocked the blanket off. I pooped and pooped and it shipped off, isn't it? Knocked the blanket down. No, it was. It was the, it was the, the, the gust. You broke wind. Okay. We'll have a little bit of poop. They got on the chair and then the wind kind of like, you know, in cartoons when there's somebody puts a pie on the windowsill and it's the smoke then goes and it turns into a finger and it goes like this. Yeah, I love that. And then the person stands up and it goes and it lets them fly, float. Yeah. Like I basically know what you mean. Yeah. Like that for that. That was really good though. Did you clock it when the thing fell off? And you thought that was funny or not? It's a big part of the show. It happens a lot. The blanket. Blanket statement. Yeah. Big part of the show. Yeah. Well, it was pretty magical. Thank you. The one, two of it all. Are you hungry? Yeah. Did you eat today? I had a smoothie. I can't eat. Because of your tongue. It hurts. What were you eating when you chomped it? I bought a burger. I bought a burger. You bought a burger? Bought a burger. It's funny that you said it like that. It's like you had a burger. Well, I have. Like I purchased a burger. Because I have meat in my freezer. Uh-huh. And I sometimes will make, if I, I, I, I made a burger or I bought a burger. I feel like it gives more information. Okay. Right. I'm glad. No, I, you know what? Fair enough. Because I would have asked you if you made it. So you live here. Yeah. You have three floors? Two. I don't, that first one is kind of. And you have an upstairs. There's an upstairs. How long have you lived here? Five years. Nice. Today. Today. Oh my God. Congratulations. I mean, it's been like five years today. Yeah. Where'd you get the burger? True food. Veggie burger? I bought a burger and a veggie burger and some other stuff. I like to get a lot of food sometimes. Yeah. And the veggie burger came, the veggie burger with a real burger patty on top of it, which is fine. I have an extra burger patty. I'll put it, you know, I'll eat that. Was that a mistake? It must've been. But a lot of people wouldn't want to eat that after if they don't eat meat. Yeah. Yeah. Can I put my foot? Absolutely. Really? Don't look. Don't look at what? My flea bite. Oh. I'm, yeah. It's okay. Look at it. Okay. And I had all this food and I bit my tongue in the middle, at the beginning of it. And I'm like, I could eat it. And you're like, it's fucking over. And I kept trying and I was eating because it was so good. Yeah. And you're probably getting so mad. I was, yeah, I was frustrated. I'm holding the napkin on my tongue where the blood is. And then I'm like, okay. And then I take and I try and do it. And I bit my tongue once. Uh, 10 years ago, pretty bad before doing a TV show. I was, it was a 16 year old kid on this TV show. And, uh, we were filming live and, uh, during rehearsal during the day, I bit my tongue while eating a bagel. And. Did you buy the bagel? Put up the pictures. Um, it was at craft services. Okay. And, uh, um, yeah, I had to go to the hospital and get stitches. Okay. Uh-huh. Any questions? Uh-uh. And you have no allergies to anything? Yes. Well, you're allergic to. Peanuts. Peanuts. No, peanuts. We won't give you any peanuts. No peanuts. And he's happy. So why is this happening to you? You think, are you chewing too fast? I mean, it's happened once 10 years ago. And then, and then again yesterday. Yeah. And that's it. I mean, listen, I mean, having a podcast and speaking as freely as I do, I'm not a stranger to biting my own tongue, but to have it be that bad. Did you push in? We missed it. Maybe edit it. No, he didn't push in. Great job. Yeah. He didn't do it because it wasn't worth it. Not that he missed it. It was a choice. Yeah. I'm not really a stranger to biting my own tongue. I don't think it works. But yeah, I think maybe because I was talking too. I was talking while I was. You were talking on the phone? Or you were with someone? I was with someone. But who is she? That's none of your business. Who is she? And it's not what you would think. What do you think I would think? That it was probably not some hot chick that wanted to blow me. You're right. Well, you're wrong. So it was what I thought. Just a friend. Sure. When men say I was with a friend, it's a girl. And when they say I was with my friend, it's a guy. Not true. You just betrayed yourself. Not true. Also, who's to say I can't be a friend that's a girl? That doesn't exist. Really? Not really. You're one of those. I'm not one of anything. I have a lot of friends that are girls. Okay. Well, yeah, you're a comedian. That makes sense for you. And we're in the industry. So I think that is. I think in general, though, like, yeah, we meet people of the opposite sex through work a lot. And I don't know. I feel like. I had friends that were girls in college before I got into the biz. And you feel completely comfortable. Like, there would never be a line crossed. You would never hook up. You don't want to secretly. You don't think they want to secretly. Or maybe it's that all of that can exist. And it's still like, we're still going to go for it and be friends. Yeah, I mean. Because that's kind of. I have to be honest about that part. Like, yeah, I have male friends, too. But you want to hook up with them. No, I'm just saying there's a world where maybe, like, there could be confusion. Or if you get, like, a little drunk with somebody, it can get a little flirty. Or, like, yeah, maybe there's an off balance. I understand. Yeah, I understand. But I have friends that are girls that I think are pretty. And I would not hook up with them. Well, this goes back to what you were saying before, which is that you have to, like, really be, like, in love with somebody to get hard. No, no. I could be with somebody who isn't a girlfriend who I just like. If there's a connection. I feel like a chemistry with that person. I'm just saying physical attraction isn't enough for me. I like that. So you're not, like, a one-night stand dude? I've done it. I've done it. You know, I've done it once. It wasn't a one-night stand. So, no, I was going to say, like, I've met somebody and slept with them that night. Yeah. But I never then. Yeah, you saw them again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But what's the point? Oh, the point is, no, but I have friends that I think are attractive that I have no romantic interest toward. And it's not based on just what the situation is. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't, for whatever reason, I don't feel romantic attraction to some people. And some people I do. Do you connect to that? Even if they're good looking or not good looking? There's people that I don't think are that physically attractive or I wouldn't have when I first met them. I'm like, I kind of like, I'm interested. Or if you have a dream about them. Oh, and then you forever see them that way? Yeah. I love it when that happens. Have you ever had somebody tell you that they've had a dream about you and you never thought of them about that way? You'd be like, oh, interesting. I never really thought about that. I mean, yeah. Like, why are you telling me this? Yeah. Yeah. Totally. What are you commenting on my eyelashes for, Stacey? Exactly. I have a friend who thinks that if a girl ever compliments him, that she, he thinks that she wants to sleep with him. He's probably right. So every girl that's complimented me wants to sleep with me? Uh, yep. Yes. Why have I been feeling so lonely? Yes. You, do you ever give a guy a compliment on what he's wearing or? Yes. I make a point. But you don't want to sleep with him? Yeah. Because I like really want to acknowledge when a guy has a good outfit because it's, uh, it's rare. Are you okay that I'm wearing shorts? I like your outfit. I said it immediately when I saw you. The whole outfit? The whole outfit. It's a great sweater. I like these sort of like buttery. Buttery sweats. It's, it's, it's a good look. If you were a Gen Z, what would you say it's giving? It's giving like Jude Law meets Adam Sandler. You're good at this. Yeah. And you made me feel good at this. Good. Jude Law meets Adam Sandler. That's great. Jude Law on the top, Sandler on the bottom. That's right. That's the way you want it because you know Sandler is. Although Sandler does have a better head of hair and Jude Law has a smaller cock. Jude Law famously has an exactly six inch penis. So maybe you want to be Sandler on the top and on the bottom. I usually am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just put on the, the British are coming. Yeah. I wanted to just make sure that you knew that I was excited that you were going to be here. I put in a little bit of effort. Yeah. Yeah. Like our sort of, our sock, my sock and your sweater. Yeah. You know, we're kind of not, hey, we're not so different, you and I. I'm wearing like, I think I'm Sandler on the bottom and like. Too low on the top. Charlie XCX on the top. I can't picture who that is. I know who that is. I know it's a singer. You know who that is. I know. I'm telling you. If I saw a picture and it said Charlie XCX and saw another picture of a famous musician who I don't really know and it's a Charlie XCX, I might not know the difference. I don't know. Okay. Can I say some names and we see if you know them? Yes. Pink Pantheress. No. Are you talking about the Steve Martin movie? Meets Prometheus? Right. No, I don't know Pink Pantheress. Pink Pantheress. Pink Pantheress. You do. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Kay Trinata. Nope. Okay. Madison Beer. Yeah. She goes on podcasts. I see clips of her. Okay. Guys sexualize her. Okay. I thought it was Madison Bear. Beer. Like the beverage. Like Beer Me. Got it. Let's go for, let's go for, let's go for, let's go for, let's go for Royal Otis. Sounds familiar, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a gluten-free, you know, breakfast bar. Good. Absolutely. That is, that is what it is. And I can see the art. Give me more. Okay. Tiana Taylor. I've heard the name. I don't know a lot of stuff. Okay. Yes. That's who it is. That's what I'm saying. I might know these people if I saw them or heard something, but just, but just by name. I'm also really bad with that. Emily Bader. No. You? She was the star of People We Meet On Vacation, this rom-com that I can't stop watching. Oh, I should check it out then. I love rom-coms. I know you saw what I just did. Took a hair and put it on the blanket. It's on the blanket. It'll be washed. Okay. Sorry. I just like you would. Also, the blanket fell and I've been okay with it. The blanket fell. I feel like you, I even thought you noticed that. So your blanket fell and my blanket fell. Yeah, but normally I don't like, I don't like that. I make game time decisions with who I'm okay with touching the cushion. Love that. Yeah. Okay. Is your whole apartment kind of like this? No. Okay. Why don't you just get those weird like plastic covers that old people have? Well, I've thought about getting covers that aren't plastic covers, but it just form fit over it. I just haven't done it. I think you would be terrified to know how differently I live than you. I can imagine. I heard you singing your voice. I also don't mind being in other people's places when things are a certain way. It's my place. It's your place. Yeah, because when I sit on the couch at night and watch TV and eat, I like thinking, I don't want to think that, oh, somebody who was at the gym sat here with their gym clothes. So it's almost like keeping. Yeah. You ever go into your bathroom with shoes on, the bathroom that you shower in? Yeah. And then when you get out of the shower and you're bare feet, you step on the ground that your shoes touch. That doesn't upset you? No, I wouldn't even think about that. Got it. Yeah. Pretty, pretty relaxed about those kinds of things. I think of it as my barefoot sanctuary. I want to be able to have my feet touch that. Yeah, I don't want my feet to be barefoot. Like this, I'm a shoes on household. Well, you live in New York. Which is probably the worst place to be a shoes on household. Yeah. Yeah. But my floors are black though. Because that's the color of them or because they're dirty? No, because it was black floors. Yeah. You're saying the color of them is black. Yeah. So you're saying so you can't see the dirt. I don't, yeah. There's, I mean, there's something here. I'm trying to find it. I feel like you're trying to find it too. I'm not making any jokes. I'm not talking about black people. There's no subtext to this. I'm really asking because like this is a light colored couch. I'm like, I could have gotten darker. My floors are painted black. Black. ACDC? Rolling Stones. Rolling Stones. No, I'm asking you, did you also like your outlets as well? Saved it. Nice. Saved it. Good. Sometimes I make jokes when I make a mistake and then I'll make a joke as if, no, that's not what I meant. Clearly, I'm not trying to trick you into thinking I made a mistake in my head. But then you were able to kind of. Well, my friend Sullivan David Sullivan who looked so great and was hot and everyone wanted to fuck him, remember, at the party. Yep, pants. I'll do something and then I'll be like, oh, yeah, pants. Technically, because they're blah, blah, blah. I'll pretend that I like to recover from my failure but I'm not pretending I didn't fail. I'm just like joking. Yeah, same. I do that too. I like pretend to like start to get really interested in something across the room that's on the wall. I'll be like, is that? Is that what I think that is? Is that type of, uh, fire detector, right? That's a, that's a, a Jones 3000 and then I'll just go and then they're like, what? And then it makes them laugh sometimes. Oh, I love what you're saying. That's completely different from what I'm talking about. Anything you want to plug? Is that? No, that's a, that's a carbon dioxide detector. Is that black floors? Black. Honey. I shrunk the kids. Rick Moranis. Now that's someone I heard of. People call me Rick Moranis a lot. I think just because I have glasses and my name's Rick and my last name is Moranis. Rick Moranis. I look just like him. He's a little guy. Yeah. Women don't like that as much anymore. And I. Have they ever? I, I've, well, I've, I've been hearing about it. Do you feel happy that you're tall? I, I feel more grateful as an adult that I'm tall. When I was a kid, I wanted to be tall because of basketball. I never thought about it, about women being attracted to it. You sounded like such a little kid right there. That's kind of cute. I wanted to be tall because of basketball. I want to be tall because of basketball. And so kids would pick me. Yeah. Let me play with them. Play with them. And then I got tall enough for that. But I never thought about it in like dating or romantic, romantic stuff until maybe the last five years. Because women. What happened? Women have been. Women have been. Women have been. They've just been slaying pussy left and right. No, just people like hearing women talk about like what they're looking for in a guy and height is often a thing. And I think, I'm glad. I mean, I'm sure there's things that I'm missing for a lot of women, but like to have something that's completely out of your control, you know? Well, I mean, not, do you know who Pedro Pascal is? Did he have his legs longened? Yeah. In the materialists. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Which I loved. I liked that movie a lot too. I had a, um, uh, Blaine Anderson. She is a, uh, a dating coach. Yeah, I saw. You had her on here. Yeah, she was on it. And, and we, I asked her and she said, she really liked the beginning of that movie because it was very real. And then she didn't like, and we'd like talked about it because that's what she does for a living. Um, I really liked that movie. I love rom-coms so much. Me too. It's heaven. And I like re-watching them. I've seen the materialists probably like three times. What's the one? I'm not going to remember. I'll text you or text it to me. If you remember the one that you said, you like keep watching. People We Meet on Vacation. Do you know this? I've heard of it, but I haven't seen it. It's great. And the music's really good. Um, there is music by Tame Impala. The black guy who sings songs. Yep. Right? Yeah. Am I close? No. The black guy who, the black guy whom? Warmer. The black guy whom is no longer black. Or a guy. Sure. Yeah. Who is she? It's a guy. It's a band. I want to acknowledge for the people that are maybe still watching this, that the last six minutes should have been trimmed down. It won't be. And I take full responsibility for the way the energy has gone. I would actually love just like to know what you personally would want to cut out. The last, so much. Much of me talking. You can. I won't. All right. It's really tough because then there's callbacks and what happened doesn't make sense. I have one cut. I have two cuts. Well, we don't love to cut, but we will bleep and we'll cut if you need us to. Okay. So is there anything that you want to plug knowing that this comes out just after the Super Bowl? Like, no. And that's okay. Not a lot going on. Uh, no. I have some movies coming out, but I don't even know when they're coming. Some movies? Hmm. I don't know when they come out. So how can I even, I'm not- What are they called? I have one called You Deserve Each Other, starring Megan Fahey. You didn't say it. You said Fahey. You don't, you don't have it? You don't know her? I do know who that is. Okay. Wait, I know the name. And I think when I look at her, that's not the girl from- White Lotus. Yes. And Penn Badgley. I'm trying to think of like, what's a good way of like hustling to like, how do you get, interact? Like, what's a good way of promoting a movie where you could get like, buzz around it? Because what are people gonna be like, oh, I heard her say, that but i don't know anything about it i'm not going to see it how do you get people involved you're going to press tour so which i imagine there will be a heavy press tour for this movie as it's coming out i kind of play like a prostitute i'm not you know one of the star roles of the film like as you said a co-star humiliating and in ways but you you know you probably made a couple bucks not much would you make 12 grand i have no idea how much i made i have no idea how to touch sorry one sec my cleaning ladies texted me hi i'm coming sounds like you when i show you my bed that's right what is your eta question mark um anyway that'll be out in the next few months and what's the other movie it's called magazine and so the first one you deserve each other hard rom-com you're gonna love it magazine is like we made like the indie devil wears prada that's it that's a movie i re-watch often me too highly re-watchable i just watched the trailer for devil wears prada 2 last night i didn't know the trailer was out already we don't like to speak poorly about things maybe this i didn't say anything yes you did no i didn't you did no i didn't did i say anything uh yes because i think i think uh you could put silence in a script it's beautiful did you push out on it congratulations thank you yeah it was really nice meeting you this is we met before you met two nights ago it still feels like part of the weekend you know it does right yeah it does uh i'd love for you to come back on whenever you're in town and you want to but also when you have something to promote if you ever want to either come back on or film a little something and we could throw it into that week's episode great got a couple of movies i'm very excited for you and um i think that's it right how do you usually and these things this felt like a very long one you've had longer how long did we go um two and a half no not even yeah under two and a half they're they're usually nowadays they're usually around two hours yeah 90 minutes to two hours yeah we've done some three hour ones but we've just kept we just the tangents yeah um i uh i just have um uh once once a month i have a pair of a pair of beautiful kind independent mothers come and clean my place and the last time they came to clean my place they didn't even finish cleaning because i had a little bit of an accident with my guest yeah yeah that's yeah that's dusty as shit um that's more than a month's worth i don't think they dust it i actually was noticing it during this episode i imagine this place would be really difficult to clean thank you because you have a lot of stuff yeah i am i yeah yeah like that computer thank you um yeah you have a lot of like like if this were a set we would call it gack yeah sometimes i'll be in my place and i have so like i'll ask somebody if i have somebody over i'll say like do you want some stuff there's a stuff i don't know what and i feel like i keep getting rid of driving you crazy yeah yeah it makes me crazy it's been more so the past couple months when i started bringing my office downstairs and i'm turning upstairs into a guest room but i haven't yet because i had storage in there and literally yesterday yesterday yesterday i got a lot of the furniture out of there because i was i sent it gave it to my parents because they moved around not too far from here so now i could finally get that turn that room into the guest room and i could move stuff out of there right but it's been making me a little mental but then i still have like this shit yeah i'm like what is that even i just keep winning awards yeah you do have a lot of trophies in here i got so many more i got more upstairs maybe you should show me them maybe what show me your trophy collection listeners choice best editing for a video podcast signal awards what are all those ones of the biggest ego most annoying most overrated mvp got mvp and biggest ego i mean mvp and most overrated same season and then one award that is best player slash worst comic wow and then who who's the woman in the photo kristin bell that's kristin yeah wow i love that i love that photo of her last time my cleaning ladies were here they had to leave early because my guest and i won't say who it is um took that picture into the bathroom and it was masturbating to it you gotta be kidding me nope dude why don't we just call it no i'm okay i might have to pee though yeah go ahead i gotta fill this up also yeah paul you coming it's in you I would be flattered um by that i wasn't sure if i was posting the episode i truly wasn't i wasn't sure if he wanted me to post the episode and in that moment i actually sent it to kristin to ask if that's okay that this happened she said okay yeah um she did yeah i mean it's that she wasn't part of it right i would be so excited somebody did that really yes um you do blabbedy blue scoop deep oh yeah you