Death By Lime Scooter | Vile And Horrendous Episode 6 | Joe DeRosa

- For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. ♪ All hail the lemon ♪ - That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7UP is fighting back with their new lime-lemon soda. Join the 7Uprising, flip the sip. - Welcome to Vile and Horrendous. I am your host, the Vile Horrendous, Joe DeRosa. How's it going, everybody? Hope you're doing well. Good to be here another week with you. We're doing another morning edition of the show. Again, rare for us, but I don't know, I kind of like it. It's nice having a cigarette in the morning, a little bit of coffee, and some very good news, people, very, very good news. We asked, you responded. We spoke, you listened. We've got submissions for the name of our band of merry producers in that other room, currently known as the Pussyhounds. We did talk briefly about altering the name to the Pussyhounds and one cocksucker. But I don't know. Let's see what the people say. I want to see what these submissions are. I'm very, very excited about this. Now, I do want to say, before we begin, just because they're submissions doesn't mean any of them will win. If the Pussyhounds and one cocksucker is still the best name, it will stick. You have to beat that. So I think we've screenshotted these, yeah? Yeah. So we can see. How many do we have, by the way? I've got about a dozen here. OK. A dozen. That means we've got at least 26 fans out there. Let's do it. Let's move on to the first submission. All right, so this first one, I've kind of seen more than once, but I just screenshotted this one. By the way, before we start, is it bad to smoke cigarettes before you exercise? I think it's a personal preference thing. All right. I'm supposed to exercise later today. Who knows if it's going to happen? I mean, it might mess with your cardio, but I think you should be good. I mean, I'm one beef stick in. Yeah, whatever. Well, cardio. I think the exercise cancels out the cigarette. All right. That's actually not how that works. Don't listen to her. I don't-- somebody said cardio. I don't do any fucking cardio. What are you, nuts? My fucking Jack LaLanne, I go down to a fucking-- Calisthenics? Yeah, go down to a lake and jog around it. Get the fuck out of here. Lift dumbbells for 15 minutes. Like, all right, I'm good. Oh, and there's still half an episode of "Frasier" left. All right. What do we got for our first submission? All right. This first one was one that came up a lot, but here you go. OK, this comes to us from Jeremy T. Schmidt. I love when the handle is a thing you can actually read. Crotch Goblins should be the name of the crew. Yeah, more than one person suggested this name. Yeah. I feel like I saw Crotch Goblins come up a lot. And because of the frequency of suggestion, I don't want to go with it. Anything that more than three people like, I immediately hate. So it's not a bad name. It's not a bad name. And I know that the term "pussy hounds" is not original. I didn't create it, I don't think. But Crotch Goblins, too, is a little too-- I've heard the term too frequently. It doesn't have the risque factor that "pussy hounds" has, if we're going to go with a commonly used phrase. But not bad, Jeremy. Thank you for submitting. I do appreciate it. Let's move to the next one. 46 likes, by the way. Ooh. Now, this is good. The seat sniffers is good, because it does apply to where Vile Horrendous came from. Which, I don't even know if you guys know the story in the booth. Do you know the story? No, right? I don't think we do. You don't frequently watch "Story Wars"? Yeah. I'm kidding. I love "Story Wars." It's a joke, Lewis. Relax. You know what? Fuck him. He called me a pig on a podcast the other day. Lewis Gomez. Shout outs to Big Jay and Lewis Gomez. All right. So here's the story. You guys may see me in a different light. When I was younger, meaning like teenager, I got the nickname the Vile Horrendous. Why? Because I had a hairy ass, and I wouldn't-- this is gross-- I wouldn't wipe my ass well enough after I took a shit, apparently. So when I sat on a chair, and I would sweat, the rehydration of dried shit would occur, and the chair would stink. So my friend would smell the seat, talk about how bad it smelled, and he would call me the Vile Horrendous. That's where the name came from. It doesn't happen anymore. I swear to God, I'm very ass cleanly now. I've been for decades. But there was a time. So seat sniffers is actually very good, because that ties into the whole thing. This comes from Roosker, R-O-O-S-K-E-R. I can't tell if those are zeros or Os. But either way, Roosker with less likes. Only 30 likes, but I actually think that's a better suggestion. That is a contender. Seat sniffers is a contender. Let's move on to the next one. Coming to us from Midwest Polka King, the Sloppy Joes. I like the suggestion. The only reason I'm going to say no is because I don't want it to be-- and I mentioned this when I first started talking about this. I don't want it to be a variation of my name or of the pod name in a literal sense. I don't want it to be like the Viles or the Herendys. I know that's commonly what happens on pods. That's kind of what you call the listeners or the biggest-- whatever. You know what I'm saying. Or this one. DeRosa's Dingleberries. Well, the Dingleberry-- this is from None the Miser. The Dingleberries I like. Dingleberries has always been a very funny word to me. And I think-- and also, dingleberries, again, relates tangentially to the Vile Herendys. Because dingleberries technically are little pieces of toilet paper that get balled up and stuck in your ass hair. And dingleberries is just a funny word. It's a funny thing to call a guy. You're a girl. You know? If somebody says something dumb and you go, you fucking dingleberry, it's a funny insult. Not that I think you guys are dumb or that you deserve to be called dingleberries. I would take the DeRosa part out, though. I would just call you guys the dingleberries. OK. So wait. So before we move on, let's do a tally here so far. Right now, we have two contenders, Seat Sniffers and Dingleberries. My apologies to Seat Sniffers. Dingleberries has taken the lead for me. And this has no likes. Christ. All right. What else we got? By the way, some doctor, I swear to God, an actual doctor, in the comments of one of the previous episodes wrote, "No offense. You shouldn't smoke. It's bad." She goes, "No offense. You should quit smoking." The doctor said that. I wrote back, "Oh, my God. I've never heard that. I've never heard that." I've never heard that before. Is it bad for me? The people that tell you that, it's crazy. You know that you should quit smoking. Yeah. No shit. We're all aware. We're all aware. We're all-- the shit people-- anyway, sorry. Super tirade. The gross unpleasant. Well, that's interesting. And he put a time stamp. I guess in that episode, I said the term "gross unpleasant." Either that, or I think that might have been just the moment where you mentioned, you mentioned them suggesting ideas. Okay. Is there any way to pull up 24/20/12 from that, or 24/12 from that episode to see what he's talking about? Or she? Yeah. Give me a second. Or maybe it's just a dog, because that's the picture. Maybe a dog has made the suggestion. Once you have it up, we can revisit it. We can keep moving until you pull it up. We don't have to stop everything. Let's move to the next suggestion. Call the booth "The Polyps." Wow. Okay. This comes from Kadaj. K-A-D-A-J. Well, you can do that. see it. Christ, I don't have to spell it for you. The polyps is good because that relates to the colon. I had a colonoscopy recently. I had my first. Clean as a whistle. Not one thing. Yet another anomaly in my health journey. Clean colon. 100% clean, which matches my solid blood work that I just got. I just had a physical yesterday. My general practitioner said to me, Joe, you're very healthy. This is yours to ruin. I don't know what I'm doing right. Clearly, it's smoking, apparently. The polyps I like. I don't like it as much as dingleberries. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, K-Daj. K-Daj, however you say it. All right. The Happy Hour Heroes suggests CPT Crunchy. I don't know. It feels too much like a bowling team, right? Yeah, it's too much like a bowling league or something. Yeah, that's all I have to say about that. It sounds too much like a bowling team. Thank you, though. I'm not trying to disparage anybody's suggestions. I'm just saying, I don't know. Yeah, that's not for me. Trough Troopers. All right. This comes from however the fuck you say that handle. What does that say? Can you read that? Miss? Miss? Miss Schalmolfelt? Something. Trough Troopers is a reference to the fact that everybody calls me a pig constantly, and I call all my friends pigs. I call everybody a pig. I like Trough Troopers. That's clever, but I don't like it as much as Dingleberries. Dingleberries is still in the lead here. We got time for a couple more. All right. Krangis Miss Buckets says, I think scumbags in the other room works pretty well. God, that's good. That's very good. What do we do to this person? Let's see how it sounds. What do the scumbags in the other room think? I think that's good. Contender? It's not only a contender. It might have just beat Dingleberries. How do these great ones have no likes? They have no likes. All right. Scumbags in the other room has taken the lead. Okay. Yeah, this guy's got a list. Dead Lantern Gamer sends us one, two, three, four, five. Okay, the Slop Troughs, another pig reference. The Septic Tank. That's good, but Ari Shafir already did Skeptic Tank, and I feel like Septic Tank is off limits now. Rose Thorns, too close to my name. Minions. Why not call you guys after the worst franchise in movie history? And the Salacious Crumbs, I appreciate. Salacious Crumbs comes from the fact that Shane Gillis started calling me Salacious Crumbs, which is the little rat that sits in front of Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars, and some of the good people out there that are kind enough to come to shows and whatnot will call me Salacious Crumbs. They'll scream it when I walk on stage, and I love it, but I want to keep it there. I don't want this whole pod to be everyone. Yeah, there it is. He's not wrong, but I call him Jabba, and I don't think I'm wrong either. I call him the Hutt. I'm like, there he is, the Hutt. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7-Up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up, flip the sip. This Labor Day at Lowe's. Get up to 45% off select major appliances. Plus, deals on select materials and tools to keep the job moving. Right now, get a free DeWalt 20-volt max battery. Battery 2-pack. When you buy a select DeWalt 20-volt max tool. At Lowe's, we have what you need to keep your job moving. Valid through 9-13. All supplies last. Selection varies by location. See Lowe's.com for more details. All right, let's do one. Wait, did you find the timestamp? Yeah. Can we play it or no? Yeah. Okay, let's just play it real quick to see what he was referring to. I want them to have their own original. I want them to have their own original name for this crew of fucking scumbags in the other room. Oh! Oh my God, scumbags in the other room, I said! Here's my pitch. Guys, sound off in the comments. Email us, whatever. And we will review these. We will review these. Maybe not by the next episode, but by the one after that. All right, I think that's it. Yeah, so I guess he was just referring to your call to action plus scumbags in the other room. All right, look. Scumbags in the other room is a strong lead right now. Strong lead right now. Let's do one more, and then we're going to take a vote here. Skyluke. Okay, that sounds like a Star Wars reference I like. If Spirit Airlines is dissolving and they name it, and the name is retired, got to call the crew Spirit Airlines. That's very funny, actually. Spirit Airlines. Spirit Airlines. That's funny, man. That's a good one. That's a really good one. That is a contender. Okay. All right. It's time to bring it to a vote, people. It's either scumbags in the other room, Spirit Airlines, or I just keep calling you guys the pussy hounds. So just to confirm, dingleberries and seat sniffers are out. They've been beaten out. All right. I know. I know I said vote. What I meant by that is I'll decide. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to vary between pussy hounds and scumbags in the other room. And that is how you will be known forever. There it is. It's official. Give it up for the pussy hounds and scumbags in the other room as what they will be known as. Sometimes one cocksucker. Thanks for bringing that back. You're welcome. You're welcome. All right, guys. Let's get to our first segment. More on morons. Morons. Okay. Something quite magical happened to me the other day. I was driving, and I came to a stop sign. And there was a guy coming down the cross street on a Lime scooter. One of these idiot fucking things. Yeah, there you go. Lime scooter. That's what a Lime scooter is. Do you have these in your city? Probably. You probably do. You can pull the pic down. You've probably got these in your city. You will certainly know if you do have them in your city. Because you'll see these fucking things lying around. Just randomly, no rhyme or reason, just scooters scattered about your city. Does your city currently look like an abandoned bike shop? If it does, you've been inundated by Lime scooters. It's insane. It's insane. Lime scooters, how they work, you just pick it up, and you ride it somewhere, and then you just drop it to wherever you're riding it to. As far as I can tell. It's like a relay race, but instead of a baton, you have a motorized vehicle. And you just pick it up, and you ride it somewhere, and then you just drop it to wherever you're riding it to. And instead of a person being there to take the baton from you, there's nobody. So you just throw the thing on the fucking grass. It's so nuts. But anyway, back to my story. There was a guy, I was this way, and there was a guy coming that way. And I, in a moment of courtesy, didn't want to pull out in front of him, as fun as it would have been to see him hit my car and fly over the roof. I didn't want to do that. I felt that. That would be wrong. So I stopped. And I just waited so he could pass first. Here's the magical part. He waved to say thank you. He waved to say thank you, which is something we should all be doing in traffic regardless. Okay? Somebody lets you in, whatever. Courtesy, you wave. You acknowledge the gesture. And this guy on the Lime Scooter did so. So why? Why, why did I find this magical? never happens. It never happens, particularly with people on the scooters. They usually just zip right by you. They zip right by you, sometimes on a sidewalk, okay, where they almost take you out because they've got a busy day. The guy on the scooter's got a busy day. He's got a Fortnite tournament or a Minecraft competition to get to, apparently. Let me be clear. You're the one riding the moron vehicle, not me, okay? I'm either walking or I'm in my car. You're on the idiot device, so you need to be showing courtesy to everybody around you that's accommodating you on the idiot device, all right? More importantly, these scooters are just another example of us putting way too much power into the hands of the people on the scooter. It's too much power being freely given to the common person, and if you think I'm putting too fine a point on this, allow me, please, to direct your attention to this recent news story. Show the headline, please. From the BBC, British backpacker jailed over e-scooter crash. Okay, I want you to look at this footage so you can see what happened here. Two drunk women, got onto a scooter, I guess it was in England, because these things are all over the place. Let's pull the footage up. Here's the footage, security cam footage from the streets. Now, these girls in the back here, you can see them sort of shuffling. You can tell they're a little bit, oh, well, well, there she goes. These girls are wasted. What do they do? They get on a scooter, look at this, look at this, look at this, look at this. Okay, here we go. Oh, we got two, there you go, there you go. Oh, you're too drunk to operate a scooter. Let's get on the same scooter, which is what's about to happen. Look at this. This is your anchor. This is who you're putting on the back side of yourself as you operate this. I'm sure the other girl's drunk, too, not as drunk as the girl in the back. Okay, watch these girls. Look at them, look at them, look at them. This isn't even the half of it yet, folks. This isn't even the half of it yet. They get going here in a second. Here we go. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this. Zipping down the street, just zipping down the street. Okay, well, let me tell you what happened. There are some specifics here in the story. Let's jump to the next highlight of this story. They killed a guy. They killed a guy. A British backpacker who struck and killed a man while riding an e-scooter, drunk, has been jailed for four years in Australia. Alicia Kemp, oh, I guess it happened in Australia, excuse me. Alicia Kemp, 25 years old, from Redditch in Worcestershire, was driving at speeds of 20 to 25 kilometers, which is 12 to 15 miles per hour, when she hit a 51-year-old. Can, fan, I believe is how you say that, from behind on Perth Pavement in May. She had been drinking with a friend all afternoon. The court heard. The court heard. It's like a whisper down the lane. I heard she was drinking. Did the judge say that? She was definitely drinking. And she hit a guy, killed him. She was also driving at speeds of, well, I already said the speed, but the legal speed limit for e-scooters. Well, I already said the speed, but the legal speed limit for e-scooters on footpaths in Western Australia is 10 kilometers, which is 6 miles per hour, not 12 to 15, which is hilarious, because we live in a society where people can't even figure out that it's rude to talk on the speakerphone of their iPhone in public. We think they're going to remember the legal speeds of a fucking scooter in operation in designated areas, which is nuts. Go back to the story real quick, though. There's a couple other, or that last screenshot, I mean. There's a couple other things I wanted to point out. This is what the judge said. You were driving at speed, you were weaving in and out of pedestrians, and you showed no care or regard for any pedestrians. We already saw that on the video. After the victim was taken to the hospital, Kemp continued to drink at other venues in the city until early hours. This chick is a fucking animal, man. She hit a dude, he falls down to the ground, and then she goes, let's keep drinking, fuck it. Lastly from this story, let's show the one, the third highlight shot. I think that's it, yeah. Addressing the defendant, the judge said, Miss Kemp, you are a cautionary tale. E-scooters are not toys. That might be, you can pull it down, that might be my favorite sentence I have ever heard in my life. Not a coincidence. Think about it. But now, 7-Up is fighting back with their new lime-lemon soda. 7-Up, flip the sip. Right now, get a free DeWalt 20-volt max battery 2-pack. Valid through 9-13. While supplies last. We'll see you next time. This is why I say, this is too much free will to give the average person. Okay? It just is. A lot of these scooter people, okay, of course, just like the bicyclists, think they're helping society because they're not using gas. They're not operating a vehicle that's emitting bad fumes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And if you want to be part of the solution to the problem, fine. Great. Good on you. Okay? But if you believe that cars are causing a specific problem, most specifically the problem of driving dangerously, not showing regard to human, pedestrian, whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's fine. But then you can't get on the solution and then exhibit all the aspects of the problems that you're trying to counteract. Does that make sense? I mean, you can't say, I hate cars. I hate the way people operate cars. I'm going to be part of the solution. I'm going to ride a bike or a scooter. And then you act like somebody who's the worst example of a person driving a car. Okay? Because surprisingly enough, a fucking children's vehicle, like a scooter, can actually kill somebody, apparently. Now, the strike didn't kill the guy. That's important. What killed him was the fall to the ground. He hit his head. That's what killed him. He died later at the hospital. But, you know, who would have thought a scooter could kill somebody? Not me. I got to be honest. Not me. As annoyed as I've always been at these things, I didn't think they could kill somebody. You know, maybe a small child, but not a grown person. Who would have thought? You know, I always was getting pissed off at the assholes almost nicking me on these things while they were darting by because I felt like, you know, I was an adult watching another adult ride a motorized big wheel, essentially, down the street. And the childishness of it pissed me off. But it turns out I should have been offended on behalf of my life. That's crazy to me. It's crazy to me. And here's the truly scary part. In order to operate a scooter, you have to be at least 18 years old and have a valid driver's license, okay? I want you to think about that. You have to have a valid driver's license. So if this is the way people are operating these things, can you imagine how they're operating when they're behind the wheel of an actual car? It is a fucking miracle anybody anywhere on Earth is still alive. I can't believe the entire globe isn't a landscape of corpses and flames. Fentanyl overdoses, we've got assaults, we've got mass shootings, we've got rampant vandalism, and now scooters. Now scooters. Do you think a cop in this decaying society we live in, do you think a cop who's desperately trying to pry the knife out of a schizophrenic man's hands away from a woman's neck is going to go, shit lady, I'd love to keep helping, but a scooter just zoomed by. I've got to make sure the person isn't drunk on that thing. No, of course not. This is another problem that will go unchecked, unattended to, and it will keep creating issues. I promise you that. Everything is fucking horrible. And you know what? Actually, as I sit here and talk about this crumbling society, the more it makes me want to pray. So I will say a prayer right now. Dear God, if you're up there, and I know I've not really believed in you for a long time, but if you're up there, dear God, this world makes no sense to me anymore. Please, please let me be hit by a scooter. And have that scooter take me out of my misery. Please, once and for all, okay? But a P.S., God, a P.S., please let the moron operating the scooter also die so there is some sense of justice in this crazy mixed-up universe. All right, let's move on to You're Wrong. Okay, well, I said I was going to talk about this a couple episodes back, and I try to be a man of my word. So today. Today, I'm going to address the children in public thing. God, I'm slurring. I have no whiskey. Maybe the problem is not drinking whiskey. Anyway, I'm going to address the children in public thing. Now, admittedly, it's kind of a tough line to walk because it's very hard not to completely veer headfirst into, like, total cliché territory because this is a thing a lot of people have talked about. Uh. I saw a great clip recently of Fran Lebowitz talking about how children shouldn't be in a restaurant past 9 p.m. and how they should make a plane for just children and the adults get on one plane and the kids get on the other. I thought it was very funny. So this has been addressed a lot, and it's been addressed by people far more intelligent than me, but I still do want to address it because it does bug me, and it's something that I said I would talk about. So let's just dive in. Look. I get it. I get that kids are going to be kids. And sometimes you need to be with your kids outside of your own home. Obviously, I understand that. I promise you this is not going to be some, like, absurd, exaggerated, like, cartoonish rant about, like, how all kids shouldn't leave the house until they're at least 14 years old. Although it's not a bad idea. 15. 16. Let's call it 16. All kids should leave. Now it's still 16. Anyway. Look. Sometimes you've got to be out with your children. Fine. Sometimes your children act up. Fine. But when that happens, step in as a goddamn parent. That's it. That's all you've got to do. Okay? I was in the airport one time. I don't remember how many years ago this was. It wasn't that long ago. Or under 10 years. But I was in an airport. And there was a dad with his kid sitting across from me. I don't remember how old the kid was. Old enough to walk and be an asshole. How old is that? Three? Let's call it three. Anyway, the three-year-old keeps walking up to my bag, and he's grabbing it, and he's shaking my carry-on bag. And the dad is, I swear to God, the dad is sitting there across from the kid, not moving, not getting the kid, not gently grabbing the kid, pulling him away. He's just sitting there, and he's just going, Tyler, Tyler, you shouldn't do that. Tyler, it is not nice to grab another person's suitcase, Tyler. You wouldn't like it if somebody did it to your suitcase, Tyler. Ridiculous. And of course, the kid just keeps on doing it. This is the problem. Progressive parenting. It's become toxic. Okay? It's become toxic. Now, here's the thing. It's your prerogative. It's your prerogative as a progressive parent that if you think, the best way to get your three-year-old away from my shit in an airport is to talk to him as if he's already graduated college. Fine. That's your prerogative as a progressive parent. But you know what? If you get to do that, I get to spit on your kid. I think that's fair. Let's even the playing field a little bit here. What do I get to do? I just have to do nothing? I have to just sit there and do nothing. No, I should get to spit on your kid, because I'm pretty sure a hot loogie in his fucking face will get him away from my suitcase. Quickly. Very quickly. I'm exaggerating, of course, people, but I'm serious. It's like, come on with this shit already. Come on with this shit. The social contract is not, you let your kid run wild and the rest of us just deal with it. Okay? Because I'll tell you what we're not allowed to do. I'm not allowed to yell at your kid. I'm not allowed to bark at your kid. I'm not even allowed to politely reprimand your kid. Have you seen somebody do that to somebody else's kid in public lately? I have. The parents have a fucking conniption fit. How dare you talk to my child? Then fucking grab your kid, man. I don't mean grab. By the way, I'm not against three-year-olds in an airplane. Fine. I'm not, okay? But just to digress for a minute, does every three-year-old have to have the smoker's cough for the entire flight? Every three-year-old is coming off the set of Rounders like he's been up all night in a Russian high-stakes poker game chain-smoking Marlboro Reds? Whoa! Whole flight? Whole flight. Bring the disease onto the plane. Why not? Great. Because none of us have shit to do when we land. Like work. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, but pertaining to kids on the airplane, this is what newborn baby, it's not desperately important that you get that newborn baby or even a one-year-old or even a two-year-old on a plane to travel several hours to go on a vacation. It's not important, guys. It's just not important, okay? It's not that important that you do that so they can go see other family members. I'm sorry. Your decisions are your responsibility. And if you want to have kids and you live in the middle of New Jersey but your entire extended family lives in Idaho, that's on you to figure it the fuck out. And if your kid doesn't travel well at one, well, then guess what? Then don't travel with them yet. They'll live. They'll live if they don't see Uncle Jackie and Aunt fucking Clara in Idaho this month. They'll live. They'll live. You know what else? Your aunt and uncle, your brother and sister, your mom and dad, they can get on a fucking plane and come visit you. You're the one that just squirted a kid out of your vag. Maybe you need rest. Have some courtesy, for Christ's sakes. People just, parents, it's amazing to me. Parents seem to have no idea or no regard for the effect that their children have on a situation. And by the way, if you've got to bring your kid, fine. But don't, don't act like it doesn't have an effect on the situation. It does. It does. Everybody else is not responding to your kid in the same way you are. Okay? Even if it's a calm kid. Hanging out with a kid sucks for some people. Just understand that. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm not saying don't bring, but I have an understanding of it at least. Parents seem to think that everybody else automatically understands their experience and their struggle. Well, I got news for you. Many of us don't. Okay? Clearly, 48-year-old scumbags who are still single and spend all of their money on retro video games instead of a family. You see what that was? That was me holding a mirror up to my face. Do you see what I just did there? I was being self-aware. A thing most of you parents need to fucking exhibit more of. This, back to unruly kids. This, it takes a village horse shit because that's their attitude. You know, all these parents when their kid is acting up and they're not, they're not disciplining the kid. They just look at you like, what are you going to do, kids? No, parents. You suck as a parent. It takes a village. No, it doesn't. That doesn't apply to modern society anymore. That's old school bullshit. It takes a village. Okay? And I know it's old school bullshit. I looked up the expression. It takes a village. You know where it comes from? It's an old African proverb. I don't know what year it was invented. Nobody does. But I promise you, it's old as shit. Why? Because it's called a God. It's a goddamn proverb. There's no such thing as a new proverb. Here are a few more proverbs, just to put this in context. All's well that ends well. Beggars can't be choosers. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Every cloud has a silver lining. What do all of these phrases have in common? None of them are fucking true anymore. None of them. Nothing has ended well since 2015. Beggars can, excuse me, beggars can definitely be choosers. Proof of that is the homeless guy that scoffed at me when I tried to give him food that had meat in it. If something's broke, you should definitely fix it, asshole. Stupid asshole. Oh wait, I read that one wrong. No, that one is actually true. Shit, I read that wrong. And every cloud definitely does not have a silver lining. Just ask the flood victims throughout the southern United States. All right. It doesn't take a village Also not true anymore It doesn't take a village to raise a child It takes one Competent parent That's it By the way By the way folks This goes for your pets too This goes for your dogs too Alright I gotta tell you something I never understood the idea of kicking a dog Like I mean I've seen it in movies as like a gag And like I've heard tell of it You know But for the life of me I couldn't imagine somebody actually doing it Until Until I was in a bar on a date And somebody's big ass Dumb ass stinky ass dog Wouldn't shut the fuck up And it was also like giving me an allergy attack Which was weird because I'm not allergic to dogs But nonetheless I don't know if you've ever tried combating Uncontrollable sneezing While having your eardrum Blown out by a shrill barking While simultaneously still trying to get laid It's an obstacle course That will make you want to kick a fucking dog I promise you that Muzzles never made sense to me Now they make perfect sense Now they make perfect sense Electric collars never made sense to me Starting to make a little more sense I would never do that by the way I'm joking I would never put a muzzle or an electric collar on a dog Okay I had a dog Guess what My dog is a dog My dog was Annoying as shit My dog was annoying as shit He barked all the goddamn time So guess what I did with him I kept him in the house I didn't bring him into a bar Like some kind of fur covered boom box That was going to loudly cock block Everybody else in there Trying to get laid that night People bringing their dogs into fucking supermarkets What are you doing? What are you doing? It's a goddamn dog And by the way I'm not even mad about it for some reason For sanitary reasons Alright Which those are there It's gross that a dog could like pee or shit Right next to the avocados That's fucking gross Okay But that's not why I bring it up Here's why I bring it up How fucking codependent are you with this animal That you can't leave it at home While you go food shopping It's sick It's sick And nobody finds it as cute or as endearing as you do Nobody You know why? Because it's annoying You know why it's annoying? Because you're annoying You know why you're annoying? Because you have your dog in a fucking supermarket This is a snake eating its tail Alright Let me just Let me just surmise what I'm ultimately saying here Sometimes you gotta bring your kids in public Sometimes you gotta bring your dog in public I get it If your dog or kids don't know how to act in public You need to be some kind of disciplinarian about that You need to stop thinking that the cuteness of your bond Is endearing to everybody else And will supersede you And will supersede the behavior And the aspects of the situation And if you can't handle that Then yes, I'm sorry Stay the fuck home You made a choice Now you gotta stick with it Alright? What's the point of having kids or a dog anyway If you're not gonna use them for in-home entertainment? Isn't that the point? I'm out of my house all the time Why? Because I'm a lonely bachelor And I'm an alcoholic If I had kids or a dog To entertain me at home And fetch me things And pour me drinks I'd never leave the goddamn house And I wouldn't drink as much So get it together Either be a parent Or become an alcoholic like me Okay, let's move on to pig talk, everybody Alright, we're flying today How you feeling, pussy hounds? Doing just fine How's the shirt fit today? Is it bad fit or good fit? Great fit Alright Yeah I gotta pee real bad You wanna go now or do you wanna wait? No Leave this in, this part I'm gonna wait I just want the people to know How hard I stick to things You're a man of your craft Let me see something here I'm just trying to figure out Which one of these I wanna do Alright, I'm gonna do this one Vile degeneracy at Applebee's Everything at Applebee's is vile degeneracy I used to work at an Applebee's I worked there for four days And then I quit And they said, why do you wanna quit? I said, because it's fucking Applebee's Are you enjoying this? This wasn't your dream, sir Alright Hello, I am a huge fan of your stuff Thank you Oh, this is from Lane Thank you, Lane I have a great story Four years ago, me and my buddy Went out hitting up bars Well, before we went out on the town He handed me an edible He said, don't take the whole thing It's a thousand milligrams Jesus Christ Who's your friend, Joey Diaz? But I said, I can't handle it Or I said, I'm sorry But I said, I can handle it And I ate the whole thing Oof And we went out drinking and whatnot Oh, this is gonna end bad One of the last stops was Applebee's I sat down and had a beer And I was soon out of this world Jesus Christ, it didn't kick in yet Alright Suddenly I felt like I had to puke I was so disoriented I didn't even know where the bathroom was By the way, can you think of a more frightening place To go on an edible than Applebee's? Jesus Christ They're fucking singing birthday songs With sparklers Three tables over I'd have a fucking panic attack I'd rather be at like a Pink Floyd laser show Freaking out, you know what I mean? Anyway He pointed me into the direction Of what I thought was the bathroom But it was the kitchen I realized where I was And I left to find the actual bathroom Alright, you're doing okay so far But before I could make it there I blew chunks all over the cash register station Somehow not a single person saw me I'm not sure how Great So I walked back to my seat Panicking, telling him that we had to leave I hear in the background a sassy waitress go Ew, that's nasty She came to our table and asked if we saw anything We said we saw a guy walk over there But wasn't sure what happened We asked for the check And ran out Like a bat out of hell I never used drugs Or visited Applebee's again Well, one of those things was the right thing to do Never visiting Applebee's again Why are you giving up drugs? Just learn how to do drugs the right way Hey, look, my hat's off to you You know, these things You know, we're I've kind of forgotten to do this Over some of the last, more recent ones But we're supposed to pass judgment On who is the true vile and horrendous aspect In this story Is it you? Is it the other person? Whatever I give you kudos here That is a vile and horrendous set of affairs Or events, rather But I gotta give my hats off to you You played that like a fucking champ And if this is true A thousand milligrams and a bunch of drinks You did it, dude Now, I feel terrible for the people That have to clean the puke up But you know what? I gotta be honest with you That's kind of par for the course with a bar You know We've had enough puke spills at the bar in New York So I'm aware So my hat's off to you, Lane Nice work Alright This caught my eye Shit-sniffing idiots I wonder if you mean shit or drugs Let's see This comes from Matt To the vile horrendous Like most people Sometimes I'm out in public And I have to take a dump Okay Well, that just answered my question In situations where I enter a bathroom And see only one stall Which is clearly being occupied By someone sitting down Handling their business Yes I do the normal thing And step outside To wait for the person to finish I don't I sit in there and I say I like the smell I say that through the door And I said You want to hold my hand under the door? Wait to see what they do What is it with these shit-sniffing idiots That walk in while I'm shitting And just decide to wait inside the bathroom While I shit? They just stand there inside While I stink up the entire bathroom With my turds This has happened to me so many times It drives me crazy Absolutely fucking crazy They disturb my shit I tense up And am not relaxed anymore And they totally disrupt my flow I'm going to interject before the end of this Okay, so two things I think Really Look, I've been in the position Where I have to shit terribly in public And somebody's in the stall Sometimes you're in the room Waiting Desperately hoping they come out Because you're afraid If you don't wait in the room Somebody might go in Because you're in the room Because you are allowed to be in the bathroom Somebody might just go in the bathroom And cut you in line For me, it's like I want to make it obvious Like, no, I'm next in line Now, I do realize That can apply pressure To the person in the stall I try to In the best way possible Make it clear that I'm not doing that I'm not yelling to the person Take your time I'm not going Take your time! I'm not doing anything like that But my point is I'm trying not to be antsy And make noises or grunts To make the person think They better hurry up Because I've been on the receiving end of that too Where you're trying to finish And there's somebody out there And I get you The pressure hurts But I think that is why Also Your shit should not be stinking up the bathroom Every time Shit smells But you know what I mean It shouldn't be blowing out the bathroom every time Why would anybody in their right fucking mind Want to stand or shit in the bathroom? Why would I answer that? Okay Well, you get it You're not the Matt, you're not crazy You're not crazy I would say Neither party in this story is vile and horrendous, they're not staying in there to smell your shit they're staying in there because like I said you don't want the line cut because chances are there are also urinals in that same bathroom it's not a one-man stall if it was you'd have the door locked or one stall bathroom I mean if it was you'd have the door locked and they'd have to stand outside it's a bathroom with urinals in it and somebody that wants to use the stall versus the urinal is potentially going to go in ahead of you if you're waiting outside the door and and cut the line and you can't just stand outside the door and expect people to line up behind you because if somebody comes up and goes I have to pee they have the right to go in and pee and use the urinal so I get why the person stays in the room I also get why you get annoyed because there's nothing worse than when you're having to take a shit or taking a shit that you could feel pressure from somebody else that fucking sucks so I feel you my friend okay let's do one more of these this is titled bet that Newport tastes like asshole and this comes from anonymous the anonymous ones are usually the best ones because they don't want to sign their name because they're so embarrassed hey Joe one summer in college I had a paid internship at one of these bullshit next next tell third-party cell phone provider shops that used to be everywhere in PA dude I used to work at one of these too I used to not the not a next to I know exactly what you're talking about I work at a next tell third-party cell phone provider shop I work at a next tell third-party cell phone provider shop I work at a cell phone kiosk in the mall I love it man that just brought back memories but can't actually help anyone other than selling new devices and accessories exactly yes it was basically like selling burner phones to anyone who had the cash uh-huh my manager sorry I'm just getting a little sniffly that shit story worked me up my manager called me into his office a back room with the cheapest desk where you could that you could buy from Staples in 2006 those offices in those back mall the rooms of those malls I worked at a cell phone kiosk in the mall stores are just they are brutal it looks like the room where the gimp is in Pulp Fiction like what the fuck is going on back here guys put a poster up something he tells me that even though I can perform all the functions of the other employees I'm not going to be receiving a commission any commission on sales this is maybe halfway through the three month internship and my only goal is to get get that done and out of the way however I just for some reason I missed that it was an internship that didn't register with me but people were interning at Nextel cell phone stores brother fucking caught what were you home college schooled your college didn't have a better internship program than this it's crazy anyway however I have the occasional vile horrendous thoughts well this manager of mine always left a pack of new ports under one of his two computers we used to use to play games and I used to play games and I used to play games and I used to play games on the sales floor I think I see where this is going I made sure to take my break in the hottest part of the afternoon and worked up a nice sweat in my polo khakis this is also doesn't really track the hottest part of the afternoon you're in the mall it's cool it's air-conditioned is this like an outdoor mall this doesn't all right whatever I'm gonna take this guy's word when I walk through the front door I noticed he was outside somewhere smoking this guy's doing work in a Nextel shop at water ice cart when I walked through the front door I noticed he was outside smoking somewhere but left his pack in its usual spot I grabbed it hurried into the bathroom in the backyard area then proceeded to swipe the filter of one of the new ports from my taint through the bog of asshole and managed that I managed to create during the previous half-hour here's what I would have done just real quick well I guess yeah I guess you know I guess that's how you had to do it I mean because you got here's the thing you got to get the pack and you got to get back into the bathroom in the pack back I probably would have just taken a few out and ran in in case he was back I you know to turn to so I would have just held on to the well I don't know why I'm getting technical about this but that's what I would have done in case he was back and then I would have an opportunity later but I guess it's the same thing with the pack whatever I'm digressing anyway you're saying he had to notice this guy is saying he had to notice it smelled wretched he's saying these cigarettes were in the pack the stench was so bad this guy this boss of his had to notice I worked with him the rest of the night he absolutely smoked the dart that took the trip through the mud but he never said anything to me about it uh well you're both fucking disgusting both parties are vile and horrendous your manager's a dick if you're telling the truth and he took away your commissions for what seems like no good reason uh that's bullshit that is vile and horrendous of him but also your performance is also really disgusting I mean that's a dick move but you could have given this guy like fucking hepatitis or something so God that's a story with no winners and that's how I like to end an episode on a down note because that's what this show is about society is crumbling we're all finished and that is the episode for today people thank you for joining us I got show dates coming up go to jodorowsa.com to keep your eye out for those as they get posted announced of course thank you for supporting this show subscribe to us uh watch us at jodorowsa comedy on youtube uh find updates and that stuff at jodorowsa comedy on instagram and at the what's the ymh instagram handle uh it's at ymh studios at ymh studios you can also find your updates about the show there um we will be back every week with a new episode for you as promised uh subscribe smash the like all that bullshit you get it all right fuck it great people thanks for being here and let's set it off and send it off with this crumbling brain fuck I thought I had a good segue the white women are deteriorating mentally it's white women's we came out to the creek today because it's an sos area and of course I brought my copper beanie just to make sure you're welcome the last few weeks since daylight savings time changed in the u.s it seems like we've been having six timeline jumps a day yesterday was when switzerland changed back so cern obviously is there and my original theory seems to be holding even though I'm really not a fan of it so on january 16th we started having controlled timeline jumps one of them all california time was 4 43 in the morning 12 57 midday and then 8 37 p.m after daylight saving time changed in the u.s we we've been having doubled at those times so it's an hour apart but with the change here's one of our theories who actually knows and then the other question of course is do they even know what they're doing I would think if they're setting something like that they would coordinate it around the world but maybe not so cern and dune thank you for all the timeline jumps it's been a very easy way to get into better timelines we appreciate you you let's lift it up let's put it down let's run this game on the whole damn town yeah take it up you gotta put it down let's lift it up let's put it down let's run this game on the whole damn town yeah kroger helps keep you moving with easy to prep meals and convenient snacks from our exclusive brands pack a microwavable cup of private selection mac and cheese for a deliciously quick meal that's ready in just minutes snacks like simple truth baked chickpea crisps and hot honey 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