Dear Estranged Parents

Hello and welcome back to the Calling on Podcast. I'm your host Whitney Goodman. These are the days that I am grateful that this podcast is totally virtual because I just got a spray tan. So please excuse my appearance if you're watching this on video and it looks like I have scales or something and also I'm glad that you can't smell me because I think the smell of a spray tan is the worst smell to ever exist. Great opening for this episode though that I'm sure there are some estranged parents listening to this based on the title. You're already like wow I'm super excited for this episode with Whitney. I don't know why today I just felt compelled when I woke up this morning to scrap the episode that I had for today and record an episode called Dear estranged parents. And I think this episode is going to be helpful for adult kids too that may be wondering like what do I want my parent to understand or maybe you want to hear other things that you haven't thought of or maybe you're looking for an episode that will help your parent understand what it is you're talking about. And some of you might be able to send this to your parents. Some of you might feel like that's not a good idea. And there are some estranged parents that I think really, really, truly don't want to listen to me and don't want to hear from me. And I get that. Okay. And so I want to start this episode off by saying that I am a mother and when I think about not seeing my child, when I think about my child not answering my calls, not wanting to be around me, it fills me with a sense of dread and pain and just discomfort that I can't even describe. And so while I am not you, I do think that I have an ability just like by way of my job and doing this for a long time and cause also just like my innate personality like I think has led me to this job to really put myself in someone else's shoes and think wow, that would be horrible. And I can like feel it in my bones, how painful that would be. I know that there are some estranged parents out there that you know of me to assumptions about my story and why might be doing what I'm doing. I'm not estranged from my parents, but I would be if I had to be, I understand the choice. I understand why people have to do it and I get it. And I think that sometimes these things happen in families. I've seen it happen in my own family, my extended family and other families that I know I'm not estranged from my in laws. And so this is not a personal vendetta of me trying to create more a strangeness in the world because it worked for me and because I think it's a wonderful thing. I am always really drawn to topics that I don't want to use the word controversial, but I guess topics that I feel like are very widely misunderstood or populations or groups of people that I feel like the public is not understanding correctly and that maybe I have a more intimate or like nuanced view of those people. And that's something that I think has happened for me with this population, particularly over the last five years. As I saw this issue kind of blowing up in my private practice, seeing it a lot online, hearing about it more in my personal relationships and then really looking back at relationships in families in the past people that I've known and thinking, wow, I think that was a strangeness and we didn't really know what to call it or we weren't seeing it for what it was. And so today I want to talk to a strange parents and I know you're probably not typically the people that listen to my podcast or watch my show or maybe you've seen things that I've posted and it's made you really angry and upset. And you know, I've been on the receiving end of all of the classic your brainwashing, our kids, you know, therapists are evil, you want to destroy families. I've had countless strange parents say that they are going to report me to the board. They're going to try to take my license away. I get it. And I'm not upset with anyone that does that to me because I really deeply believe that it is a result of being in so much pain and wanting to find someone or something to blame, right? It would be best if we could say, if we could just get rid of all the therapists on TikTok, there would be no strangement. That seems that seems simpler. I think sometimes maybe more self protective, less vulnerable for you or to say, if my kid had never met their evil wife, they would still have a relationship with me like all of this externalization. I get it. And I'm happy to be a container for it if it helps move this issue for. So I want you to view this episode not as an attack, not as a form of blame, but really as an invitation to reflect and maybe hear some of the things that I have to say as a result of speaking with people that are just like your child, thousands of them. And I'm not going to pretend to ever know the specific intricacies of your situation or to say that I have a one-size-fits-all type of approach to this because I don't. But there might be even just one little tiny nugget of something in this episode that helps you view your situation with your adult child in a little bit different of a way. Okay. So I am going to go through like some typical rebuttals that I hear from parents and talk about what it usually means when someone says that why it's harmful, how you can reframe it and maybe give you some practical tips. And I hope that this is helpful to you. So one of the most common things that I hear from parents who are estranged from their adult children is I have no idea why this happened. I do not know why they left in the middle of the night. I don't know why they don't speak to me. Everything was perfect and then one day it wasn't. And I want to say that I actually do believe that a lot of people that say this they genuinely they don't understand or they know and it's too painful to face it. And there's some really like cool and wild things sometimes that your brain can do when you don't want to face certain information. And this is well documented in research that we can literally like block memories from being accessible. We can make it so that we don't remember certain details. We can have these really strong protective mechanisms that allow us to kind of evade the most painful aspects of our psyche. And some of you have done a really good job of building up those defenses. Now I know that doesn't mean that you are outright lying about not knowing what happened between you and your child. There is a chance that you really actually feel like you don't know. But even if it feels that way, I don't think coming to it with this approach is the right thing. And I want to explain why I want you to think of a time when you were really struggling. And you just wanted somebody to notice. Maybe you were postpartum or you were pregnant or depressed, you lost your job going through a divorce, grieving the loss of something or someone. And you felt like it was pretty obvious that you were struggling, right? Like maybe there were a lot of signs there. And you didn't totally like communicate it in the perfect way or maybe you really tried to communicate it with the people around you couldn't see. And then something happens that is really big. Maybe you end up in the hospital or you're really sick or you get fired or whatever it is that is kind of this glaring big, obvious moment where it's clear that something is going on. And after that happens, everyone around you kind of says to you, "I had no idea. You were struggling. Why didn't you tell me?" What's been going on? Like I wish you would have said something. I wish you would have shown a sign and you and your had our thinking, "Are you kidding me?" I've been depressed for eight months. I haven't gotten out of bed or I haven't been brushing my hair or whatever the obvious signs are. And you feel like this whole belief that you have about no one noticing you, no one caring about you, whatever that core belief is for you is just getting reinforced by the people closest to you of that they didn't see, they didn't notice, they weren't paying attention, they didn't listen, they don't care. Like these are the things that come up for us when we feel like people don't see our suffering or the signs that we're showing. And it's not that we have to look back and say, "Oh my gosh, I missed all the signs and they were showing them so clearly." That doesn't always happen. It's true that some of you might be confused or caught off guard. What I want you to understand is why saying it this way to someone who has taken this really big final step of becoming a strange from you is very hurtful. And why it really takes all of the responsibility off of you and puts it on your kid. And makes them kind of feel like you should have said it more. You should have explained it to me more. Why is it on me to notice this stuff? Why should I have known that when you did these 10 things, that's what you meant. And like it just doesn't feel good. And I think everyone listening to this can remember a moment in their life where they really wish that someone would have noticed what was going on with them and not have retroactively been like, "Oh my gosh, I had no idea." And you felt like it was so obvious. It also really does something to that power dynamic is what I was just explaining that like you now get to be the person who is kind of just the victim of this. You don't know, you are helpless, you can't fix it. You, the signs were not clear enough for you. All of these things that in the end, I don't think do anything to solve this problem. All they do is relieve you of any responsibility and any role in the issue. And that's not how relationships work. Certainly not a relationship with your child. And so I think that if we're gonna reframe this and we're gonna look at a different way to handle this where you don't wanna say, I don't know why they is strange from me. And even if you don't know it, even if you still feel really confused and you have no idea, I want you to take the approach of maybe trying to look back honestly, even if it's uncomfortable. And trying to seek clarity from your adult child without defensiveness by even approaching this with saying, I think that there are some things that I missed so long the way. I think that maybe I wasn't paying attention or I didn't see the signs that we were headed here. And now I really see it. And I wanna do something about it and I want us to try to move forward. And sometimes this doesn't get to happen with your child because for some of these situations where you really feel and I believe you, I know that you don't know and it feels that way. But that inquiry cannot happen with your adult child some of the time. There are certain things that can happen in your relationship that they are not going to bear the weight of helping you see that and explore it. And so you're gonna have to do it with someone else. And I think this is where it's really important to look at past conflicts, any feedback you've received over the years, patterns, any major life events that have come up like divorce, illness, moving, homelessness, financial struggles, any new people moving into the home, the birth of a new child changing schools. Like all of these are moments that you can kind of sit down and do this type of inquiry and self-reflection on your own. And maybe you come up with a few things and you can come to this conversation in good faith knowing that you have explored what's going on and that you have some understanding of some of the options at least rather than like kind of throwing up your hands and saying, I have no idea why this happened. The second thing that I hear coming up a lot is how will I know? The second thing that I hear a lot from parents is how will they know that I've changed if they're not having contact with me? And I know that underneath that for some of you, I think is this fear that your effort is going to go unacknowledged and that you're doing this work and you're not going to get the relationship back. And there can be this deep anxiety that you're never going to be able to fix this. And this is something that I really have to tell you that I hear from a lot of these adult kids and I want to be honest about is that if you are changing these things and working on yourself solely for the reason of restoring this relationship, it's probably not a good idea. This really has to come from a place of you wanting to change and be the type of person that can be in these relationships like because that is your motivation. You want to be a better person. You want to be able to navigate conflict better. You want to have developed more insight. Like your astrangement with your adult child can be sort of the impetus for that but it still has to come from inside of you. And I know there are some certain situations that parents bring up that are, they feel like things that they cannot and should not have to change about themselves. So one of those would be like different religious beliefs, different political beliefs. I find that in my experience, this is actually not a major driver of a stranger to an adult children and their parents but it's still something that you might feel like, what am I gonna go to therapy or work on myself? I'm not gonna change those things about myself. Okay, so maybe then you're working on how you talk about those things with your adult child. You're working on boundaries. You're respecting who they are and their beliefs. You're working on your conflict skills, how you discuss certain topics. I don't think that there is a desire for perfection or for you to become this totally different person but if there is a path to repair and a path to reconciliation, I really believe that it has to come from inside of you and that when it becomes this thing of like, look, I went to therapy, have a relationship with me again. But look, I read this book, have a relationship with me again. It typically doesn't feel genuine. It can kind of feel like you're just trying to check the boxes rather than actually form a relationship and do the deep work of repair. And so change should be pursued because it's the right thing for you and your life and your relationships and not just for reconciliation. And so I think you need to keep doing the work even if your child isn't a witness to it. And know that if you have true growth and if reconciliation is possible, it will continue to ripple outward. It will reach them and you will also become the type person that I think can truly reach out to them and reconcile in a genuine way that they feel it and they know that it's real and they can see it through your behavior because saying like, oh, I read this book or I went to therapy is not what actually builds the repair in these relationships, right? It's your behavior that happens as a result of that work. And so your adult child probably doesn't need to know about all of these little miles. stones and efforts along the way. What you want to do is allow those changes to really like, alchemy is within you to allow you to become someone that's able to reach out to your adult child and say, "I hear why you're upset." And I understand these examples that you've given me. And this is how I want to move forward and work on them. And the other really, really hard part about this is that I hate to say it is like, there is no guarantee here, right? And there are unfortunately adult child and parent relationships that don't get better, and they are too far gone. And I know that no one wants to hear that, and it is so deeply painful, but there are some adults who feel like they have been abused and harmed and continue to be hurt to such a degree that they cannot trust that person in their life again. And I hope for all of you watching this, that that is not your situation, because it's not what I want for you. I want you to be able to have relationships with your children, and I want your children to be able to have relationships with you, because in my work with these estranged adults, I see how hard it is for them to not have a relationship with their parent. And I see how much of a struggle that is. And so it's not what I want, but I think you have to do the work knowing that there isn't a guarantee. And if the only way you're gonna do it is to get what you want, it's hard for your kids to like wrap their head around to that. It is, it really is. And so I hope that you take that piece to heart and know that if the change is genuine and it happens and repair is possible, I know that they're gonna see it and they're gonna feel it. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance, Fiscally Responsible, Financial Geniuses, Monetary Magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and Save Hundreds. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates, potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. The other thing that I hear a lot from a strange parents is, I did the best I could. And I think a lot of you did do the best that you could. And what's so interesting to me as a parent is that some days I don't know if I'm really doing my best, right? There's a lot of things about my life right now that I think lead me to not really totally doing my best when I'm tired, when I'm sick. You know, I know that when I've been pregnant or things have been really stressful, I probably am not doing my best. And so I think that this phrasing of like this generalized, I did the best I could is really only our definition because we only know what we were feeling on each of those days and what our best was. And I think that at different points in time, the things that my kids think are my best are not in line with what I think is my best, right? And so there has to be this understanding that like I can think I did my best and my kid can think I did not. And I think that's why throughout the lifespan it's really healthy to like check in with your kids and see how they are feeling about your parenting and take that feedback to heart and listen to it. You know, if there's times where my four year old feels like he's really not getting enough time with me, I have to listen to that and I have to say, okay, even if I'm doing my best, even if I feel so stretched thin, can I give him five more minutes? Can I try to at least show him that I hear his feedback and I'm listening to him and I want to try to do better and if I can't, can I still make him feel heard and understood and show him that like I see that you're hurting and that you wish you could have more of me and I wish I could give it to you. And I know that that's painful and really just like allow that understanding to be there. But this blanket phrase when someone is telling you especially that they are hurt, that you did the best you could is just defensiveness on display. And I think on some level, you know that you're saying that to protect yourself. You know that you're saying that because thinking that you didn't do your best, thinking that you hurt your kids or especially that you hurt your kids on purpose, even accidentally is so damn painful. I don't want to think that. I don't want to sit for a second and think that I hurt my children. Like it's so painful, but I know that I have and I think the more comfortable you can get with this reality that like you have hurt your kids, even if you did your best, you have. We all have, myself included. We have done that. I know that sometimes when I leave for work or when I like I hurt my kids, I know that. And so can we have some form of accountability of saying like you're right. When your dad and I got divorced and you had to move back and forth between houses every single week and your dad got a new girlfriend and you didn't like her. Like that was hard. Can we just try to validate that for our children? And that doesn't make you a bad parent. That makes you a good parent. Being able to do that for yourself and for your child to say, I'm a good parent and I made this mistake. And I'm gonna own up to it. Because when you get so focused on your intentions, this is where you're gonna lose them guys. This is where you lose your adult child in that battle because you are so hell bent on keeping your image safe that you've created for yourself in your mind of like, I am a good mom. I do not hurt my kids. I did the best I could. All of these things that are just self-protective that when we totally avoid accountability, we really just dismiss our child's pain and experiences. And even if your intentions are good, you can hurt your kids. I think most of you, a lot of you have very good intentions. I think you love your kids. I think you wanted to do what was right for them and I think sometimes you messed up. And that's hard. And so can you even just sit with this reality of like, I am a good mom and good mom's being mistakes and good moms are accountable for their mistakes? I am a good dad and good dads hurt their kids sometimes. And good dads apologize, take accountability and repair. And really just getting comfortable with that reality I think can take you so far. It can really, really help you. The fourth rebuttal that I hear a lot is really about families and how families should stick together. Family relationships are the most important. Any therapist that talks about a strangement and validates the perspective of the estranged family member is trying to tear families apart. And I think a lot of you hold the fact that you were very good sons or daughters to your parents and that you maybe took a lot more than you should of as a central part of your identity, right? And man is it hard to realize that you did not have to tolerate what you did. And there's no, there's no like reward for it. I've talked to a lot of you all estranged parents who are like, I did everything for my parent. Even though she wasn't as old to me and she wasn't that nice and you know, she would always pick on me up until her deathbed I stuck by her because that's what you do. And then your kid comes along and is like, I actually don't have to do that and I don't want to. And they don't do it. And it shatters really like deeply held cultural and generational beliefs and religious beliefs for some people that like family is everything and you do not defy your parents. And I don't use religion in my work, but I know for a lot of you the honor, the father honor, the mother like all of these are very important beliefs. And I get that and I think that if that helps you have better family relationships, go for it. But when any of those beliefs are weaponized to make people feel like these relationships where they are being harmed are not something that they can ever escape from. I don't like that and I don't agree with it. And I think the problem here is that we are sometimes insisting that the relationship being intact not are so much more than that person's life and their well-being and how they feel. And look, I know that family relationships. are hard. And I think some people who have like these really idealistic views about family and they're like, family's everything you should always want to be with your family. Like they don't know what it's like to be in a family of people with different political beliefs, religious beliefs, people who have dealt with addiction, who have mental health issues like spend a day in a family like that and then tell me if you are able to still have this attitude of like you call your siblings every day and you know talk to your parents all the time like it's a lot of it is just like you got lucky and you haven't experienced what this is like. But I want you to know that if you deeply value family that family relationships are about love and respect and boundaries and not just demanding loyalty at all costs and only one person getting to define with that relationship looks like. And the very hard thing today is that adults have a lot of options. They used to be kind of stuck with their families. You know, that was where you got your livelihood, your job, you lived around your family and now adults are moving. They're getting jobs elsewhere. They have communities like it's just not the same anymore. And so it can be very difficult for your adult child to understand why you are enforcing some of these norms that they view as being maybe quite archaic. The fifth one and this kind of connects back to the first thing that I said is that you might have this belief that your adult child is just remembering it wrong or that never happened. And again, I think a lot of you could be right here. It could be that you do not remember it the same way as your child. This is also a great protective mechanism that sometimes your memory and your brain can step in and stop you from remembering things. You don't want to remember them. You blocked yourself from storing that memory at the time, whatever it is. You are never going to have the same memories as your young child. Because what to you that phrase like is a normal Tuesday could be the worst day for your kid. And I know that there are some extreme examples they get thrown out about this to like invalidate this that like, oh, my kid is still bringing up the fact that they didn't get a blue toy on their birthday. They got a red one. That's not what these adults are talking about. I have heard parents outright deny blatant reported documented sexual abuse, things like that still continue to have those family members around. Like there are things happening in these situations and you and I know that that are like real and serious and they happen. And it's okay if you don't remember it exactly how your child remembered it. And you don't have to remember every detail the same way to validate their feelings. You can still listen, be curious, be open even if your memory is different and is there a way that you can step out of debating just all the facts and move into talking more about how they feel and what their experience was. I want to acknowledge as we wrap up here that I know that this content can be hard to hear and any parent that made it through this entire episode, I applaud you because I promise you I am not trying to blame you or shame you. I really want you to just be able to learn the things that I have learned from interacting with people that might be just like your child. And I think that if you walk away from this and you feel like I had a really strong reaction to like a couple of things that I said, whichever ones they are, maybe that's something that you can dig deeper on. Maybe that's a sign that there's something there, something that you can understand more about your child's perspective. And I hope that this episode was really just an invitation for you to think about things a little bit differently, to challenge some of those deeply held beliefs you have about the situation and to try to develop some insight into what's going on, you know, on the other side of this. I really appreciate all of you listening. I wanted to share that the podcast did just hit a million downloads. We reached this milestone in under two years and I did also take off like four months for maternity leave and so it was just really, really exciting for me and I am so grateful for everyone that watches, listens, shares this podcast. I really would like to keep it going and it's only possible that we continue paying for the show and making it for you for you through your listening. So thank you so much. Please don't forget to share this episode with someone that you think might need it. And as always like, follow, subscribe and leave a comment on this episode wherever you are watching on Spotify, Apple or YouTube. And I will see you all again on Thursday for another Q&A episode. Thank you so much. I appreciate all of you and have a great rest of your day. Bye. The Collingham podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice or qualified healthcare provider and does not create any therapist, patient or other treatment relationship between you and Collingham or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Collingham's terms of service linked in the show notes below. [BLANK_AUDIO]