111: Dead Dads with Ian Fidance | Soder Podcast | EP 109

Hey everybody I want to thank you for coming and seeing me on the golden retriever of comedy tour. You know, the last date of 2025 is in Royal Oak, Michigan, December 13th. But we are, we've announced the second leg. It starts up in February, February 13th in Orlando, then February 14th in Tampa. Gonna be in Buffalo, February 28th, Boston March 6th, Philly, March 7th. Go to dancoder.com, the whole second leg, all the way through April is on sale, all available at dancoder.com. Just click on the touring button, and there you go. Thank you for listening to the podcast, I'm sorry I birthed. When I get excited I birthed a lot, so it just happens. It's gross, but you know, you're not in the room, I ain't blowing it in your face. I've started our confer tickets, I love you guys. That's exactly what corporates are. When you get a corporate, they go like the corporate. Yeah, when they get a corporate they'll go like, I did them a lot early in my career, especially when I first started headlining them, like the agency would get them. Especially when Billion started, I'd get a lot of like finance bros that wanted to see me do an hour. And then I would do it, and they would be like, not good, because they'd be like, well we don't want you to make fun of us. We want you to just like be the guy from the show. So I did it a couple of times before I was like, oh these corporates aren't worth the money. You're a fucking corporate gig, and I was told you're not allowed to say this, you're not allowed to say that. Don't cost, don't say this, blah, blah, blah. So I'm gonna go do it, and it's fine. And then afterwards all these old white dudes came up and like, you're on the front lines of speed, free speech. You just gotta go out there and say it, and I go, you're the dickhead that told me I can't say X, Y, and Z. And they're like, wow, you know, in this environment. That's always weird when like you, that's like the feeling of a friend's parent watching your comedy. And then they go like, I love all the sex stuff you didn't go. You want, you're like weird, I want even allowed to watch, like, cinematics of your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we had a curfew. Yeah, what are you talking about? That's weird when you grow up to see your friend's parents as just adults. It's just like older adults. There's like, when the authority of them leaves. Oh yeah. Well, even seeing your own parent like that. Yeah, like your mom and you though, since we both have dead dads, when your dad dies, your mom cuts you a lot of slack. Your mom is like, I needed. That's the problem. I needed some. My mom was like, oh, you're behind the garage and now I'm like, oh, I am addicted to weed. Oh yeah, if I behaved in front of my stepdad's family, she would give me a cigarette in the beer. Yeah, she'd be like, go rip it. So you deserve it. How old were you in the backyard? Like, do you ever step that? Yeah, they divorced. They divorced. How old were you when they got? Dude, they started dating when I was in sixth grade and then got married and didn't tell me because they didn't want to me to think anything was like different. How old was your dad when you died? He was 37. How was he? You're eight. So your mom was 38 years later. He turned to 37 ten days before he died. So we was like, newly 37. Damn. Now I've outlived him. Have you outlived your dad? My dad's 48. So I'm 42 right now. So I got six more years. It's crazy. I've thought about that since he died. It's really fucking weird. Outliving your dad. So you're 38? I'm 40. You're 40. Yeah. Was the 38 birthday the one? Oh, strange. That's very strange. Because another thing, and this is for all the people in the DDC and the dead dead club, the thing that I have hit is where your dad is dead longer than he was alive in your life. Oh. So you were 16. I, yeah. But I was 29 because I was 14 when my dad died. So when I hit 15 years of having my dad dead, I was like, that's crazy. He's been dead longer than he was alive in my life. Yeah. You never think about that. That's like a real, it just puts it in perspective. Well, it's also like these milestones keep coming up in a way that you don't imagine. Yeah. He died in 93. And there's still these weird milestones I never even thought of that are coming up that you have to face and kind of deal with. But some of the other day asked me if I ever get sad still. And I was like, you know, I don't really, it's like the emotion hits me and I don't allow it to control me with grief. I almost like recognize it, acknowledge it and then move like let it move through me rather than let it consume me. Yeah. I mean, I see the way that you said absolutely consume me. Oh, it did. Oh, completely. I would ignore it. I would just ignore it and get fucked up and be like, I died. But who cares? I'm alive. That's the thing. I would ignore it. Ignore it. We never, when my dad died, we never talked about it. We knew your mom never talked about it. The first time we talked about the day he died was Christmas 2019. No way. No way. How did you bring that up? Were you just like unwrapping your present? You go, remember when dad died? Dude, it was like. You're like average. He's like. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Loofah. I remember dad died. Remember how Loofahs didn't exist when he was alive. That's Christ. That would have loved Loofah. You would have loved Loofah. I remember about him obviously, but we never talked about the specifics of that day. Yeah, because you dad died suddenly of a heart attack, right? No, he died at work in an accident. Oh. And so my mom had to. No, I thought he died of a heart attack. Uh-oh. So my mom had to drive to Philly to pick up his work truck and then drive his work truck back alone. And then she told me like all this shit. Like when she had identified the body, she flipped out. She locked the door. Yeah. They had to break in. They had to like, uh, hit her with like a shot and knock her out because she wasn't. She like didn't believe you was dead. No, dude. She like destroyed everything in the hospital. And then she had to go home and tell her eight-year-old son that her. You're an only child. I'm an only child. Fuck. And she was a, she was a teachers assistant, um, in, uh, the grade below me. And so I'm going to the bathroom and this girl comes up. She goes, are you in finance? I go, yeah. And she goes, oh, your dad died. Your mom went to go find him. That's how you found out. What? She's like, yeah, there was an accident. And, and I just started screaming. And that's how you found out. Yeah. And they had to come get me. And then the teacher was like, no, no, no. She's there. There's. She started. She got to go to a different school. We're sitting in a new, a retard school. They're going to burn out. She's like, he and his father's not the only one dying today. Yeah. Sorry. This is Philly Rules. You can't reveal your death. Did you? My, my aunt died the day before. Oh. Your mom's sister? No, my dad's. My dad's. So your dad? My dad's aunt. My great aunt. Okay, great aunt. My great aunt. And so we were all like the house the day before. And we were all like being like morbid about like death and everything. And my dad even said, he's like, boy, you better hope I go before your mom. Because if it's you and me, you're going to be in for a world of hurt. That's really far. Because my mom was like, you know, very like, oh, listen. You ever think about that? About what it had been like, if your mom died, not your dad? Oh, dude. My wife would have. I wouldn't be here. I'd be dead. Time to go live with my dad. If my mom would have died. First off, I want to say a big shout out to Trish. You can always see the comments and the comments. Someone commented on the Stavros episode a while ago that her birthday was coming up. Motherfucker, you're way past her birthday. Stop that one. You know when Trish's birthday is Motherfucker. Because you were way off. So, but thank you. Dude, that's such a good mom. You've got Trish. I've got Gail. That's Trish. Yeah. So, my mom's name was Terry. And I was like, so we made a, someone made a sweatshirt that was called TNT size queens. And it was two women doing the Predator Handshake, Trish and Terry size queens. I'm trying to find that logo. If you have that, please DM it to me. That's cool. Because I gave my mom a mug. And I don't think she understands what a size queen is. Because she's just like, I love my mug that your fan made. And I'm like, means you love huge cock. But I think about, I think about like, if I were like, like you, like at middle school. And then they're just like, hey, your mom died. I would have been like, well, I have to move to California. I would have to have moved to Lake County. Yeah. And then I would have had to live with my dad and my grandma. And my life would have been, no offense to Lake County. I did have some good times there. It is a shithole. Yeah. I would have been on meth. I would have been on meth by the time I was like. In a freak fist fighting accident with my dad. What? You got to take each other over the age. Kill each other. Yeah. Yeah. Because like, once you would have got big enough to threaten him. You go off. But I think about like, it's obviously I was very sad. My dad died. We didn't, he didn't live with us. Like, your dad lived with you. I always felt way worse for kids whose dads died who were in the house. Because for me, it was like, I think I paid for it. Not in a worse way, but in a different way of like, not knowing him. So for me, what it hurt was like, your life got changed. Your dad just didn't come home that day. Oh, yeah. My life was like, damn, we never got the chance to fix it. Like, I was like, we could have fixed it. And then you could have died. And then I could have had this fight. Did you search for dad's elsewhere? Like, were you always trying to find like my dad? Until last year. Until my therapist broke it to me. It was like, I've talked about this before in podcast. So I don't want to do it again. But I had this thing with older comedians that I worshiped. Like, Louis, Chappelle and Burr. Where I really was like, hurt that none of them mentored me. And I was really hurt that none of them ever complimented me. I was at the seller. I was at all these places. And I had all these stories of my friends being like, blah, blah, blah. And then it was in therapy. My therapist was like, yeah, that's just your dad. And then you go, and then now I don't give a shit. Now they're like, she'll be like, cool, good for Sheppell and Louis. But there is like, I think that was what fuck me up, was like searching for a dad. Also, I really wanted all of my mom's boyfriends to work out. I wanted that. - For a second I thought you meant like, wait. (laughing) - That's an interesting one. - I would love it. (laughing) - They have to have a better physique. - Trisha's up at 4 in the morning. - Mark, would you kill you to do some push-ups? (laughing) Could you do some weights? Trisha's running every morning. - Dude, I remember I saw good fellas, and this guy named Al came to pick up my mom for a date, and I answered the door with a baseball bat. - I love it. - And I was like, if you touch my mother, I'm gonna break your legs. - And then he's like, he goes, and that's when that Al guy went, you know that pussy's good. (laughing) He goes, this kid's defending it like that? - Oh, dude, I- - He goes, damn. - I walked in the basement and they were kissing and I ran away from home. - I ran to my grandparents. - Did you ever like, did you like your stepdad when your mom started dating him? - No, and I- - Did you give him a chance? - No, I was very much an asshole, and I've reconciled it, and he loved my mom, and my mom's side of the family and did the best he could. I was very difficult, but Michael Jordan could have been my stepdad. I don't know, I'd be like, I fucking hate you. Fuck you, you know. - But my mom, like trying to sell him to me, like he had like a leprechaun tattoo on his ankle. She's like, he and he's cool. He's missing half of his ear from a motorcycle axis. - So who's like, fucking, I don't give a shit. - He'd go back from one of my motorcycles. - Yes, would that make it better? - Yeah, yes. - Dude, I just, our first like real interaction, he tried to have a catch with me, and that was like me and my dad saying, and I just wanted to be like, dude, chill. All right, but he was trying. - How did he- - Did you say yes to the catch? - He brought me to the, he brought me to the baseball field and we were talking in the car. He was like, let's go have a catch, we threw the ball like twice. And I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And they just like brought me back home. - Did he know what you did with your dad? - Yes, my mom told him, like have a catch with him. That'll be, you know. - By the way, put them on some of his dad's clothes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put them on his clothes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take them to the beach, just you and him, like him and his dad used to do. - Have a paper cut out of his face. Put this over his face. - Make it still holding a top. - Oh, they're the bathroom, they're here, they're here. - Hey, what's your dad? - The Italian, not Irish. (laughing) - Are you close with your dad's family? - Well, when my dad died, my mom, and God bless her, she did what she had to do for herself and for me, but she took me away from everyone in his life. And so I didn't see them for like 20 years. - No way. - And I saw my cousins like every weekend. We were like, many van family of like, "You're with us, we're with you all the time." - And then that ended. - Ended, yeah. - Abruptly. - Without saying goodbye, just gone. - Have you ever reached out as an adult? - Yeah, we've reconnected. - And they're fine and everything, but-- - But were they kind of like, yeah, one day our fucking cousin Ian's is not around anymore? - Yeah. - How old were you when you reached out to them? - Well, I had like written letters and stuff and it never got there and they like wrote to me and it never got to me. - Who does that? Who does the intercepting? Who do you think's in charge of the mail at my house? - For your mom, but-- - It's fairie. - No, I'm saying that. - What about them? What about their-- - My mom would look in the mail. - Come on, gale. - Dude, she, my, yo, it was such a massive tragedy that at 40, my age now, she lost her husband. Her son is a fucking lunatic. And any time we would be around anyone that was in his life, we would come home and I would cry, she'd be upset and she was like, this can't happen. And so instead of dressing the grief, she just was like, we're shutting that out. - Defense man. - And that's what it is. Yeah, and I can't blame her, you know? - Did your mom open up at all to grieving your dad? Like, as you've gotten old, like, I know you guys talked in 2019. - Yeah. - But do you see like, what I was really impressed with my mom was when my dad died. And obviously they had been divorced for like nine years. You hadn't spoken, didn't like each other much. - Yeah. - But what I watched was I watched my mom not hate him anymore, which was obviously way different than your parents were together when he died. But like, watching my mom go like, I'm not mad, like-- - Yeah. - Whatever. What's the point of being mad at it? - Well, my mom's mad at him for leaving. - That's what-- - My mom's like, if I could grab your dad right now, I would beat the shit out of him for leaving him with me. - That's what I'm leaving you with. - It's like a reverse, like it cooled the beef my mom and my mom had with him. But for your mom, it creates a problem. - Well, it was this thing and like, they would argue a lot. And I'm pretty sure like, look, they like loved each other. And it's before my dad left for work, every day he'd write me a letter. So I have stacks of these yellow legal pad letters. And it would always be like a letter to me about like the day before and like what we were looking forward to doing. And then it'd be like, PS, thank you, dear, for the lunch or whatever, just like an afternoon. And so I have like stacks of these, but I've read them and it's like really cute to see like the little like love notes he'd leave to my mom and everything. So like, they would fight a lot when I was younger. And then like for the past like two years of his life, it was so ideal like, come home from work, I'd run out, the dog would run out, jump in his arms, he'd be all time quarterback. The neighbor of kids would come over. You have that great picture of him holding you up in the car. Yeah, it's like you don't really. It was like that all the time. And so when he died, I think my mom felt guilt of like, fuck, we used to argue a lot and for what? And so like she and they were like getting wasted time. So well, like dude, within like six months before he died, they were going on like date nights and like really like finding love again. And then it was taken away. And I think that really like fucked my mom. And so again, it was like self-preservation, you know, like she, she couldn't be around it. And I had some family members come back into my life later and they were like, I'm sorry we left you, but your mom was very depressed and we just couldn't be around it. And I was like, yeah, well, how do you think I need? We'll take it. Thanks for leaving us all. Yeah, that lady's a wreck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's leave the kid a lost and alone. Who keeps, who people keep disappearing from his life? He'll be fine. That's the conversation really. I mean, she's really bad, you know. And Ian's worse like a later game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we couldn't deal with you screaming at sleep over time to be picked up by your family. I always think about different scenarios of like, your mom goes and gets your dad's work truck, right? And then he's driving at home. But I'm just like a regular guy in field. But she didn't know that the horn was changing. We want, she's soft. She's soft. She's soft. What? What? What? What? But it's like the thought of her, like behind your dad's, like at the wheel of your dad's work truck. And then I'm like a guy in Philly driving home. And there's like, you're like, move it. That's you pull up next, where she's just like. Just crying. Just crying. That's like a game. Why they ain't paying their employees? Just listening to tears in heaven. It's just on the stereo. Is there, was there any music that came out when he died? That still fucks you up. That's what happens to people that lose people. Songs will come out and you're like, well, cool. Now you're tied to this horrific event, my mind. I mean, dude, I found all of his old tapes. And I found journals of his that he wrote in his 20s. So like, damn, dude, I put a lot of pen to paper. Bro, he like wrote poetry. He was like the most righteous, coolest dude. And he had, I found all his old records. I found all these old tapes that he made of like mixed tapes from different records. Did he have like a lame name for him? Like, she brought some of that tape one. Thunderbird. Yeah. Yeah. Kichou Dick suck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Beat the sheets. Dirty Dick mix. Oh, like that. What sweat tape? Yeah. What's remembered to all these pull out stuff? What is that about? He goes busting nuts 17 minutes. Dude, I'm telling you, like even after he died, we had such a connection for me to learn who he was through his journals. That's incredible. Through his music. And like, even reading his journals, dude, I found that he was a really bad fucking. He was sober when he died. He got sober before I got born, but he was an intravenous drug user. He was an alcoholic. He had, dude, he used to have so many DUIs that he would like buy used cards without like a title. So he wouldn't have to register and get, like, for what a work around. So like, I read all this shit. That's how you know booze rules. And I read how he struggled to get sober and how he got sober, like in his own words. And then I went through this. It was, dude, it feels surreal to read this stuff. To have all of those. They had it all together and safe. Damn. That's incredible. Because I, my dad didn't leave anything and then I, he lived with my, he was like a real bad alcoholic. He like lived with my grandma. And then like, he died and I would stay in the room that he lived in when I would visit her. And so I'd just be like bored at her house and I'd start going through drawers. And that's when I found out he had DUIs. That's when I found out. Dude, that's how I found, I found all this shit just like rummaging through stuff. I was just going through my grandma's and it was like, but I didn't find any diaries of - I found it. - I found it. just found like I found out he dated a nurse so we could get clean needles like he was he was he was a fucking smart man to put it together. Yo and this is wild too. I found somehow an ex-girlfriend his found me on Facebook the woman he dated before my mom and we connected and she told me these stories about my dad she lived in Long Island. He sobried his motorcycle up to New York and like wanted to settle down she was like no like I want to still be like a young whatever and so then like he ended up being like why can't be in this with you and so then he started kind of like wanting to settle down more. It was crazy. Did your mom know that you talked to the ex-girlfriend? Was she cool with it? She was alright with it but then we kind of had to stop we had to kind of stop meeting up because it was like very strange. There's people strange. There's people that you meet that know she was very kind but it was almost like what is yeah my dad had a half sister that I wasn't really close with and I didn't really know and then like I she saw me on billions or something and she was like oh my like emailed me like oh her son was into my stand-up and she was like I'm your aunt and blah blah blah and I was like I'll give it a shot so there's there's just like when you inherit your parents beef yeah like there's this moment where I was like yeah I don't know if you're ever close like you're not telling me anything I don't know yeah and that's what I'm looking for. I was looking I didn't know I was looking for like yeah and and this story and he was very much like this and they tell me that and I'd be like it was like super sweet it was very nice I think I cathartically gave her some things because she didn't hear from my dad and then one day found out he died and then so I was kind of like bridging a gap of information she was filling things in with me you know you can you provided services for each other oh gave a little bit I mean you got a more well-rounded idea of who your dad was but also like I was like drinking at the time so I was like showing up fucking hammered like tell me more about my dad because you got your dad's good stuff yeah she's like this she goes by the way I still got those clean needles yeah a little bash I can see like you want to not settle there what's it's funny because my you know me and my cousin Sherry who lives in New York and she's a comic now she's the fucking best dude if you ever want to know like anything about me growing up just meet her for five minutes you know be like it all makes sense yeah she and I she wanted the cousins that got cut off yeah so so it's like it but her dad was my dad's best friend so it wasn't blood it was like the best friend uncle cousin thing right so we got cut off whatever and then it turns out unknowingly we both moved to New York at 18 we both had fucking I was a vicious alcoholic she was a heroin addict and we did everything together as kids like we gotten so much trouble and it's a blessing from my father that we were not together because we would have died and we laugh about all the time like dude if we were hanging out and fucking claim on Delaware together being two little claim monsters we had been fucking dead dude I'd have been like I can bang more heroin than you yeah it is there is like there's there's an interesting thing when you lose touch with people that sometimes you think it sucks and then you realize it's for the best we go like my my cousin who is my aunt's daughter my dad's sister's daughter I should their last time I saw her I was like seven years old and I was like she's 12 she's my sister said she was 12 years older and I was just like annoying her I was just the annoying little cousin but then we didn't talk until I was in like my late 30s yeah and then I was like oh watch come out and then I met her and her kids and now we're in the life and it's like oh this goes way better as us as adults yeah yeah than it was like I probably would have been when I was a teenager I was I was a loud yeah drunk dickhead yeah like you wouldn't have liked yeah and then now I'm like older and I've calmed down I don't drink anymore I carry a dildo around and like smack in the stranger's face is like these people would have hated me they would have been like you are embarrassing your father in heaven yeah you think like I I wonder what my dad would have been like now because now we're seeing like what boomers are turning out like oh and my dad was like into rush limbaugh would like read a lot of rush limbaugh books to my dad took me into the voting booth and I remember we both pulled the lever for Clinton together oh really yeah yeah so my dad was always like for the underdog my mom was my mom's liberal my mom voted Russian or Ross for that's great I just think he's great can I finish can I finish everyone just does Dana Carvy yeah can I finish here's the whoa do you think your dad would have been like a fucking anti-vaccine yes really I think it would have been a problem because also where he lived really in Lake County that was the first time when I went up there to stay with my grandma I stayed with my grandma went Obama one in late like I was at her house when Obama won my grandma was a Republican but she was like one of those old Republicans that you're like I actually think you're a Democrat and you don't know it right right but she was like I'm a Republican but she didn't she was she was like Trump would have called her a rhino because she didn't like Trump but she was absolutely a lifelong Republican and I didn't know because we lived in if you lived in New York in 2008 you were like oh the whole country's voting for Obama yeah it was just like crazy if you're on the east coast yeah you're just like oh the whole country like this is going to be a fucking landslide and then it was when I went to visit her was the first time I saw a bunch of McCain palin palin signs where I was like oh shit in fact the two nights after Obama won the election I was driving to the Sacramento airport at night because I was taking like a 4 a.m. flight so I had to kind of drive down there a little early and I went into a gas station and I was bought I was getting a coffee right gas station middle of the bum fuck north of California guy comes in writing a bike with a a like a old winner jacket shorts and work boots so it's a cord ordered bike ride a lot of those in Lake County and he got I remember this specifically he went what do you the guy down the counter the guy walks and he's like hey it was up there he's like we're going on Larry and I'm making the coffee on the side so I'm taking my time making my coffee and I hear him go well you think he's new president and he goes well he ain't my president yeah well he's the president like in my mind I was like oh shit that's where we're at so knowing my dad and that he liked Rush Limbaugh yeah he would have been like you know I was I was at home well see you know you live in a liberal torred city I was in a home depot the day after a bummer one oh yeah and having the guys help you load dry one of the truck was an interesting conversation so you don't need suitable for the position yeah yeah I'm getting in the truck to myself and like well I haven't heard that word in a while that was like you have it and also that was like when Obama one you you started seeing that side mouth racism when they go yeah except this one the record yeah yeah okay that's where we're at but I think it's like interesting to know my dad like I probably would have to tell him like release the Epstein files and my dad would go he's not Bill Clinton's on their tune like good but head him yeah and he'd be like nah but I think I wonder that interesting I wonder what my dad would have been like had he stayed alive I also think I wouldn't have liked him I don't think I would have yeah because he was a shitty dad this is something that's interesting about therapy you uncover that this is something that me and you specifically have both gone through even though we're in different situations that my therapist pointed out and other members of DDC sound off in the comments but I'm pretty sure they're right when you're little and you lose a parent they are like a superhero because you're looking up to them yeah they're older they're your version of God yeah well you're just like you know everything yeah you're exactly you're omniple you like you know everything and then as you get older like how you see Gail is how I see Trish like my mom is a woman in her 70s that's like great at cooking and sweet and loves gardening but she's like I know she watches the podcast sorry she says she's an old lady yeah she's like an older lady dude she's not like an old lady but she's like an older lady bro reconciling the passage of time with your mother in just looking at their face you're an older lady such a jarring experience like what makes you feel ten times old well I'm still my mom's still in the house I grew up in oh that's so like when I go home to my mom it's these memories and places and things yeah and sometimes the light oh her to certain way and I can like it blows my mind because sometimes she she and I have like leveled with each other and we're like we've been through some shit I mean like it's pretty wild I will tell you right now that is look at that other person and that is the same connection you and I have when you have a a single mom and an only child there is a connection there that is weird to explain other people that Katie who grew up with married parents and a brother when she sees the way that my mom and I are she goes oh yeah she goes that's intense yeah because it's just you too she's like your whole world or each other so she sees kind of like she'll see my mom get like cheer me on like you know when we're like we played Nintendo Wii and my mom will be like great shot and then Katie will be like because she's like she's such a boy mom, she's such a boy mom and she's proud of me. But it's interesting you say that because I think if we were still in the house, I grew up in that would fuck me up because I'd be like, oh, we were in this kitchen when I was a little kid and now you're an older lady. My mom has her own townhouse. So to me, she's just an old lady that's thriving. Where I'm like, get it bitch. Would you want new windows? Well, my mom like is leads this rag tag group of like widowed women around town because she was like the first of her class to have her daughter. Yeah, yeah, so she's like, oh, Jake is dead. Now we can have fun. It's kind of coming to my cousin. I call it say, I call it no sex in the city. These widowed women running around to pool halls. And like, oh, Ian, we shut Stan Lee's down the other one. I'm like, get it. And my mom, my mom does that kind of stuff. She's in a book club and she like has friends that she hangs out with, they go to dinner. And I call her, it's so funny, the different energy of like when she's at home, she wants to talk. She wants to know everything that's going on. It's like the role reversal. It's like when I was out with my friends and she called me like, well, hold on guys on my way. I call my mom on, we talk once a week. I usually call her on Sundays and I called her on Sunday and she was like, I could tell she was out. And I was like, where are you at? You had a friend's house and she's like, I'm in the backyard. She's like, I brought my dogs over and we're in the backyard. And I went, oh, well, we don't have to talk right now. Like I'll call you later to get great. All right, I love you. Bye. Yeah. Oh, this is such a role reversal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And to be like, Ian's on the phone. I hear her friends. We like, hi. Yeah. She's like, all right, gotta go. I'll call you later. She's like, I'm good for you. She's like, Katie's good for you. Yeah. I love you. You know, I'm alone in my apartment with a cat in my life. I'm just like reading quiet. Yeah. I ain't looking at her. I know. I guess she is what I talked to us today. And I was like, you know, do dog size. But what's interesting about that is I've watched my mom, it's been in just like your mom, you watch him get older so you know all of their change. My mom doesn't have a temper anymore. She used to have a temper when I was growing up. Now she doesn't have a temper. My mom barely drinks anymore, which is like a thing when I was growing up. She drank. So you watch your family members get older and you adjust to them. But when you have a parent that dies when you're a kid, you're stuck at that angle of looking up at them. You're stuck at like, oh, my dad knew everything. So forever, all through my 20s and all through my 30s, I was like, oh, my dad was funny. He was smart. He just had this thing. And then now I'm in my 40s and I'm kind of like, my sister, and what we talked about this before in the podcast, I found a letter of my sister's to my dad that was kind of like, hey, I don't know you. You abandoned me. I wouldn't recognize you if we walked down the street like this sucks. I want you in my life. And also I was, I think I was like 11 or 12 when she wrote this letter and she's like, Dan still believes in you. Like Dan still thinks you're the man. Oh, my God. Don't lose that. But it is heartbreaking with the release I found in it. And this is what I said in therapy was like, I no longer take my dad abandoning me personally because I go, oh, this is what he did. He abandoned my sister. He abandoned me. Right. This is just what he did. Yeah. He had a kid stuck around for a couple of years and was like, yeah, this sucks. And then he would dip and then he would go live with his mom and get blacked out and fuck bar sluts. And that's how he died where he was just kind of like, yeah, he's one of party get drunk and fuck sluts. I don't want any commitment. I don't want any, I don't want any kind of like responsibility. And I was always like, he was the man because he was the man. He was so funny. He was so smart. And which dream do you choose to live in the idealized version like he was the man I love him for. No, no, no. He sucked. Fuck him. Since I started, well, here's the thing. Where's the not fuck him. It's he sucks. It is what it is. It is what it is. Yeah. This is what life is. Life isn't all good. Life isn't all bad. Life is, he still was very funny. Still very funny. Very smart. Red. All the time. It was, it would rip through books. Even Rushwin Bobbooks. He would rip right through. He was a shitty dad. Kind of a shitty dude. Probably wouldn't have been a good dad to me when I was in my teens and my 20s. Probably wouldn't have been around. Then I would have been like really resentful of him. Yeah. Then I probably would have been a lot more violent. Then I get to my 20s. I probably don't want to talk to him because my sister, her whole 20s, she's like, why the fuck would I talk to this loser? He doesn't give a fuck about it. And then I started hitting some success. Fucking water boys, dad, dude. You'd show up at my wedding. I'm like, I'm back. I love you, son. I'm just like, I'm going to stay. I see you are coming in social. You doing all the voices. I love those your thousands. It's billion instead. It would have been that. It would have been like that. I would have been getting calls. Hey, pal. My car got reposed. You think you could give your old man a couple grand to get it out. And I would be like, because life is all those things. I would still want to love them. I would still want them. So there would be sometimes, and this is for people that have lost parents early, sometimes you have to wrap yourself around the idea of that, might be better that he died. It might be better for you, and this is a very selfish thought, but it is very true. Might be better that he's dead. Well, just then you can mourn him in a way that you can love him in a way that's different than if he would have been around and you would have been like, "Fuck, you suck, dude." Well, I think of it like, you know, I've had to really learn through my therapy and work and reflection and everything like the sadness and deep emptiness I felt, like, it made me who I am. Sure. And so in a way, I'm not like, "Oh, thank God, my dad died." No, that's never right. But it's like, I'm grateful for who I am today. Yeah. So in a way, I have gratitude for what my life has become and what was and what it has turned me into. So in a way, I have the opposite of like, what if he lived and I sucked? Yeah. Like, I was just like a fucking turd guy that had two parents and then like, they're being me. Yeah, yeah. You didn't, we'll also, sometimes when you lose somebody, especially it's like for a lot like kids who moved a lot, you come up with these like identities to protect yourself and a lot of the times that is being the funny kid. A lot of times that is being like, the introents and inspired every aspect of my life for so long. And like, I, you know, I was, I was a really bad alcoholic and I lived like, you know, and that just came through like different pain and like trying to figure things out. But in the back of my mind, it was always like, I just want my dad to be up there and be proud of me. And so like, even when I was out doing like terrible things, the reconciliation I had was for my dad. And so like, having him this omnipresent, like being in my life kind of almost shaped me in a way more than if he was here, I think, or maybe that's a coping mechanism. No, I think, I mean, I think it's both. I think it is a coping mechanism. Well, I also love that I also think it's-- And he was such a righteously cool dude that I want people to meet me and go, oh man, dude, Ian, if, if, Ian's, I want people to be like, well, if you like me, you would have loved my dad. Because I, the fabric of him is in me. I can really respect that. And, and even with everything I said is that was something that was always like my dad's family. And I'm sorry, shout out to my mom's family. I think they're great. And my dad's family was flat out hilarious. Like every member of my dad's, my dad, his sister, my aunt Karen, who was my aunt Karen, and my sister, Michelle, were all funny. Yeah. There wasn't-- And my cousin, Michelle, is like the funniest human in my cousin's share. There wasn't a funny person. So I think to go with exactly what you're saying, I think that is a sense of pride for me when I'm there. When people call me very funny, I go like, that was the good thing Gary had. Yeah. Like Gary really was very funny. And I'm glad I can like show people my family's talent, which is like, oh yeah, we're funny. Like the sodas are funny. We had done this stuff when you were younger, probably like drinking like young emotion would have gotten in the way. But as an older adult, you can almost mold your family and your relationships to be the thing you never had when you were younger, which is so beautiful. Exactly. There was a moment. And, you know, I think people saw the picture on Instagram, but I got to, I went to Columbus, Ohio because her Lisa's son, Zach, who's older, he's like engaged, he said, awesome dude, installs HVAC units, he's the fucking man. He loves Queens of the Stone Age. And so I was like, dude, why don't I fly to Columbus and we'll go see Queens of the Stone Age. And then he was with me when I got to meet Josh Hommie for the first time. No way. Oh, that's cool. And there's this moment of like, oh, that's my aunt Karen's grandson, like that's a guy that I fuck with. Yeah. I love, and I love my cousin and his fiance's unbelievable and his siblings, his little sister and his little brother and other little sister. And you're just like, oh, this, you know what it does? It feels like family on your own terms, which is a lot of the time, especially people listening, you don't have a dead parent to feel like this, but sometimes your family feels like it's on their terms all the time and that can suck because you're like, I don't even want to do this. But when you have family on your own terms, you're like, this is when you, for the first of my life, I understand when you go like, that's my family, like I love them, but it's true. But I had to go through all that dumb shit and knock some other fuckers out. via Facebook message because what's Facebook for if it's not telling an uncle to do that with a cousin that fucking was like I hope you get gay cancer like fuck you and I was like well let me tell you right now if I see you at a family function it's on site and I can't wait until your kids get involved in a gay interracial marriage you fucking loser to also come out every time they all get together I'm gonna be a genius Tony there okay I can hear you clear but that's the best part about I mean my mom's family's great so our gatherings is just like everyone's together oh dude we had a fight and family renews the first time I saw my cousin Sean since we were kids and we met at a gun rage I was like this is the and then we all got tattoos and by the way it was the best outside we all got smiley face tattoos I love people don't get enough credit cutting people out of your life is okay yeah and sometimes way better for you totally don't be one of those people that's funny because we when when we didn't have my dad side of the family we were with my mom's side family and they were just like horrific people but my grandfather raised me with my mom and so that's what we were close with but my mom's sister and brother were just like terrible and then we cut off my mom's side of the family and that's what my dad's side of the family like came back and it was like perfect timing that's the way to go yeah you go fuck the bad answers yeah let's fucking rip it yeah but did you feel like your mom is in a place where she's dealt with the death of your dad at all or do you think it's still very like put away in a box deep down in her brain yeah do you think it'd be better for if she went through it because the boomer generation did not clear out their closet I think all I can do is love her in whatever way she presents herself to me at the time with her and it will do me no good to try to get her to deal with things the way I think she should she does what she does have you recommended therapy to her Dan I'm so funny when you tell you caught her in quite a few lies really I just left the therapist obviously and you'll be so proud of me oh where Harvey Road oh where on Harvey doctor Tom Linson oh okay and I'm googling I'm like mom I don't think that's a play and stop I have to go okay I'm gonna go back in and I'm gonna be session about this yeah I'm like to you would be fun if you went down there and he's like I'm doctor Tom you're in here you even feel he's like I'm doctor Tom we've made of quite some progress with the mother I'm on my face I'm fucking crazy yeah but it's I like dude honestly like that the when I visit my mom she's in the home I was raised in that all this crazy shit happened and so every time I go there I have to like pray and just be like dude it is what it is just fucking let the thing I say all the time is like let's just go just that's kale being gale you gotta like when you get older that's every parent yeah you just go hey Trisco Trish yeah well dude and those letters my dad wrote to me I it's so funny going back and reading them in so many of those letters he said all you have to do is be yourself and everything will be okay just be and and he literally said I didn't put this together to layer to be said just be Ian and things will be fine that's all we want you to do is just be yourself and for so long I hate who I was because I felt like this guy in heaven would be like so upset that I was you know kind of gay or whatever like living a certain way and it's like dude it was so clear today on the paper the whole time I was love no matter what I was the one that had to allow the love that's fantastic you also you really get worried about writing letters days can be like also I got this new piece of pussy and let me take girl throws a bath dude like reading reading about fun and the letter is like yeah yeah yeah you guys Trish can't get it now if you found that we found a letter but we found a letter from when my dad was in his 20s after his first marriage we read it on the podcast really like pussy whipped she was like she was writing a letter to his mom and he was like I I never knew it could be like this lady let him throw it in the yeah he was like talking about a real like and then I I looked at the date and I looked at his age and he was like 24 you're like oh this is this is new pussy that's what he said on the podcast it was like a new pussy that's great he's like oh no one does it like her she's the best and then I asked my mom I go do you know who this great because my my mom got married to him like maybe three years after this and I go we're talking about this next girlfriend of mine was like no so it was fly by the night just like yeah yeah it's just that just abandon his first family and he's like now this is it this pussy's bananas my dad just like magical man like I do I'm telling you in this one journal I found it was it was November of 1980 and he kept writing December on the date and crossing it out and after like three days he's like I don't know why I keep writing December I feel like something important is gonna happen in December the December holds a special moment for me blah blah and then that's when he met my mom matter like a month to the date letter of when he was writing the December date and then I was born in December and it was like I it was like these weird little things man like everything's connected that dude has been I'm so fortunate like yes I lost him when I was eight but I got to know him as an adult in a way that I always wished and like he and I would always talk about how when we were older we'd be you know watching the sun come up on the front porch and rocking chairs and like our teeth would fall out we wouldn't know whose teeth were whose you know we'd be these two old men together right and I always desire that and always wish for that and you know you said the thing about wanting like a father and like older comics and I've been so fortunate to have you know my friendship and relationship with the tell sure and he's very much become like my best friend my mentor and and he and I have a very special relationship we talk on the phone like every night he's he's a best friend he's really taking care of me but when I was on the road with him like non-stop for like five years we were just stay up late and change smoke and one night we're by this pool at a hotel in this town we're in these rocking chairs or smoking cigarettes just dying laughing and the sun's coming up and I in this moment I was like whoa I got the moment this is you got the moment yeah yeah you know it is meant life is always changing or whatever but sometimes it changes in a way that you go oh I got the thing it's like a river bend and you don't know that sometimes you like you think you get farther away but then you wind up in that yeah and if you're looking for it it won't appear but if you just allow you got to allow it and you got to allow it's like when you get conspited let the poop come out what relax because you know it's funny is I got cosplayed after I sent my literally I couldn't ship for a week really and my therapist was like yeah you were emotionally like so like like that that my shit and it took me until I relaxed and drank a lot of mirror lacks but it came out I life you don't know sometimes that life will take you to a place where you go like I never thought I'd see that person again I hate him and then you go and you might never be close with Lisa if you would have told me I was close with my Lisa my cousin Lisa 10 years ago to go you guys might link up and it might be a fucking gift but we might hear and he might kick shit out of me and then you might think he was in Vietnam you know it turns out turns out homeboy still got right crossed out he's pretty old just don't wear a conical hat he'll be fine his wife was fine can I can I say something real quick real quick I've been wanting to say this a while but I heard years ago that you had were helping your mom out financially and like taking care of her and I always admired that like I don't know to what extent or whatever it's you business but I admired that so much and I've always thought of you and I've always wanted that yeah and I have been able to do that was my mom and makes me think of you oh thanks when when I help my mom out and that's something I always admire you and it inspired me and so I'm grateful I get to do that today and so you without even knowing it you've really oh thanks I you know I am I'm very lucky to do this as a job like the fact that it's even considered a job has never lost on it yeah same and it's never like I you know I'll sell my buddy whenever I walk by a restaurant and I see them setting up a cafe I'm like this is where I should be yeah this is where I should be when I walk by a graveyard but you know what man it's like I really appreciate all the shit my you know if my mom you know I'm not having kids so I told her it was like I'm not I'm not having kids but I can pay your cable bill the rest of my life yeah and it was like all right there you go and it's like I don't know man I think it's I don't need a lot I have I have enough and if I can help any of my family or my friends then it's just a cool position to me yeah yeah just like I wish a lot more people did that because I feel like the world needs that a lot yeah there's a lot of hoarding going on I know and it sucks I know it just feels good though like I just know I put my mom through hell yeah that's also why it is to be like yeah I mean my god it's like that again like just looking at her it's so fine to look at your mom and be like we've been in the shit oh brother that is an any it's such an interesting mom he only child of a single mom will tell you that dad is the boundary yeah right brother yeah we'd be going my mom used to have this phrase where we'd be going through something and she go but hey we'll get through this yeah and it always whenever my mom would say that I'd be like oh absolutely oh my mom goes shit happens and then you flush it down the toil it in damn Galen Trish with knowledge Locked in the podcast is being Ian with Jordan Jensen check it out download it join their patreon It's fucking hilarious and very fun to do check out everything Ian has got that half hour on YouTube Also is special that's on YouTube go check that out. Thank you He's got a ton of shit in finance.com for all my dates I animal six on on Instagram and I have a travel show coming out called Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs on my YouTube I love that go subscribe to his YouTube. Thank you, man, Hercules Hercules Hercules