David Gborie & Langston Kerman are Mommy & Daddy

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I will say at least where I grew up, that was most of the relationships I saw. In Missouri? Yeah, it was like a woman who was like beautiful and took care of herself and a man who looked like dog shit all the time. Wasn't nice. Didn't have a great job. Had one. But he was hard working, I bet. Sure. I'm standing up for the troglodytes. But he had a pretty good share. Yeah, he worked. He showed up to work. Have you ever seen him hit a baseball? In high school. Yeah, in high school. That was the last time. He doesn't do it anymore. Yeah, that's not his thing anymore. He's actually scared to pick up that baseball bat because he's afraid he won't be the man that he thought he was. That happened to us two weeks ago, a month ago. Yeah. We went and hit baseballs. You found out you weren't the man that you thought you were? 100%. Not at the batting table. 100%. Yeah. 100%. 100%. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. You wouldn't believe the lure that I had built in my head of how powerful I was going to be behind that. With every swing, I thought those balls were going to go flying. If I just chose to pick up the bat. Yeah. Yeah, but then you picked up the bat. And then you realize how fast the balls are coming, and we're on the slowest one. We were on the softball cage. We're on the softball cage. Those balls are going, they're zooming past you. High art. High art. Kind of floating into the pocket. Really landing gently right in the strike zone. You can read the labels on the balls as they come towards you, and I'm still missing every time. Big ass balls to you. Big ass balls. It was like, it felt like a humiliation ritual. And you should say this was his bachelor party weekend. Yeah. So I'm meeting a bunch of men I've never met before. And then doing this in front of them. And then doing this in front of them and taking L's, dawg. Everybody was. Everybody. Because you said the funniest thing. You were like, ah, I'm not going to think about that all weekend. I've never met these men. His brothers, they're little tiny bing bong motherfuckers. Strong. Yeah, they're buff. My little brother's so buff. Yeah. They're like little springs is what they look like. What is the straight guy? I'm wondering if the picking up the bat and finding out you're not the man you thought you were. In the gay community, there's this idea that at a certain age, you're the man. At a certain age, you either put on the wig or hit the weight room. Do you know about this? Wow. No. It's like I'm forgetting the exact phrasing, but it's like you either start, you put on the wig or you hit the weight room. I just hit the weight room. I think I'm at that age. You're hitting the weight room? Yeah. Yeah. Hard. Are you? You look good, brother. As hard as I would hit a wig. You're looking handsome as ever. We went to the gym. Trust me. If the wig was an option. If I could. If I thought wig was available to me. If I could put the energy I'm putting into the gym into clothes, I would. I would. I would. I would. I just don't have that. My heart is in wig. My body is in gym. Yeah. My body is in gym. Yeah. We did go to the gym the other day. We went to the gym together the other day, and we barely saw each other. But that's how we both want it to be. I think so. Yeah. I didn't feel any regret about it. We don't want to. Where'd you each go? We went. So I've been going to this gym that sees old Persian guys. Yeah. And. He's been going to a very bad gym. It's not great. He's objectively been going to a bad gym. It's not great. He is now trying a better gym that I've been going to. And I thought I could get him in on a guest pass, but as it turns out, better gyms don't have reasonable entry for. No. They're not fucking around. He's not explaining it well. Langston goes to the hot guy gym. Hello. I do go to the hot guy gym. He said, "Half the corner boys from The Wire are in here." That's what he says when he walks in. Yeah. He says, "Bode says hi to me." I say. It was Dookie, but yes, absolutely. Dookie from The Wire, absolutely, he says hi to me. I say, "I know this gym is not for me." It's so sexy in here. Yeah. I had a good time. It was too sexy for me. It's the horniest gym I've ever been to in my life. It's so hot. And it was sexy at 6:00 AM. That's fucked up. Yeah. You can't be sexy at that time, I don't think. You can't be. It's an unreasonable time. You shouldn't be. And I will say also, a lot of times, there's a fear in the fat guy community that you will be discriminated against if you go to the sexy gym. It's actually way worse. You're going to be cheered on. Oh, fuck. And that shit hurts. I'll kill you. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That shit hurts. I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you. Keep it up, big man. I'm like, get the fuck off of me. Two more years of that. I'm like trying to say my stats as I'm lifting. I'm like, I have a wife. I'm a proud member of SAG-AFTRA. Some of us got our dick sucked already this morning. She's proud of me. Because that's what I don't like about buff guys is that little brother energy. Yes. And it's like, hey, man, I don't give a shit. I'll bear hug you and jump down the stairs. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog, I will find a way to make us equal. Why do you think I got funny? Why do you think I got fucking funny? Now we're both in wheelchairs. Yeah. Now what? Now what? Great traps. Fucking asshole. I will say my biggest fear in the gym is that I'm going to be doing a movement. And then a stronger man is going to come over and tell me how to do that correctly. Of course. That brings me so much anxiety that I don't even fuck with certain stuff out of fear that somebody's going to make me do it better. Okay, because I was wondering why you did two rounds of cardio. He's in good shape. Motherfucker, this is personal. I'm sorry. I was really sweaty. You're putting trade secrets out. I didn't realize this was gotcha media. I thought this was a fun hang with friends. I'm sorry. I was the sweatiest guy in the gym. Does that help? It totally helps. And did you get any keep it up, big man? Because keep it up, big man is like. I didn't even get eye contact. Really? Caleb, that's how sexy they were. And then I didn't tell you about this. When I went to leave, my fucking lock wasn't working. Oh, no. So I was trying to do the combo to unlock the lock. And all these buff guys are just butt ass naked. I'm sweaty in my stupid shirt. I'm on the lock trying to get my crocs out so I can drive home. You can't even use locker. They don't respect you at all. I can't use locker. I was stronger than most of them, though. No, I saw you. You were moving weight. I was really going nuts. That helps a lot. I got locked out of my locker. I got a full body MRI scan recently. Whoa. And I got locked out of my locker afterwards. And there was a woman standing next to me. I know for a fact you don't have to get naked under the gown. I know for a fact because I asked. A woman standing next to me while I'm struggling with the locker. I can't fucking get it. I'm all anxious. Because I've been in a tube for an hour and a half. I can't get the locker. She's standing next to me. Legit. Leaning on her dressing room door. Full ass. Butt naked. Yes. Wow. We've got to get there, though. I'm trying to take that back. We've got to get there. You just don't have to get naked under those things. Are you not a naked person? I don't mind. I mean, I'm cool with naked. I'll get naked in the locker room or whatever. But I'm like, this is a hallway of a medical facility. This is not a private area. This isn't required. There are people coming in. She's. Butt ass naked. Older woman. And the only reason I knew is because at first she's leaning facing me. So I was like, oh, she's wearing the robe. She turns around to grab something. Bends over. Full spread. Wow. She wanted you to see. I don't think she wanted me. I think she was very in her power. I think that's cool. It was cool. But it was just annoying to me. Because I'm like, you're having a beautiful moment of transcendent self-empowerment. I'm locked out of my locker. Which is like, that's got to bring up all that middle school angst. Yeah, I've been in the tube for an hour and a half. Who knows what they found? They're not calling me back. But I'm not kidding. Guys, I'm so anxious right now. I called them yesterday and said, hey, I haven't got my results yet. I think I should have them. They go. She goes, yeah, I have them. I'm going to email them over. And then a nurse will be in touch. Didn't. email them no nurse in touch so all i'm thinking is they're in the boardroom figuring out how to go about this yeah you got that new shit yeah i got something new i have some new they're gonna call me and go you have everything and i'm scared we've never seen this before but they mixed all the sodas on you yeah yeah you're doing bad they hit a couple at the freestyle machine i was getting involved with everything oh yeah trouble i'm in big trouble no if she were the hero she wants to be she would have helped you get your locker open naked how is she supposed to help him don't be standing there posing stand up and pull come over and help yeah hating this free woman i don't know i don't like i don't like i'm a little bit i am a little bit yeah that's gonna be me but when i get older i'm the more i come into my body i'm gonna be naked more you're gonna be way more naked yeah you think so you're gonna be a naked old guy because naked old guys are very particular type of yeah i'm pretty naked in my private life but it doesn't transfer public at all yeah you know what i'm saying but like around the house and whatnot yes even pool gym you're you're not uh i'm getting better at the pool because i've been swimming okay and gym yes but not like i'd like to be like when we went to the spa that was a big day for we went to the spa yeah it sounds like we're going on dates it's just like we know you guys are hanging out and i've had a nice time i've been having a good time we went to top golf on saturday night what do y'all hang out a lot yeah yeah that's beautiful yeah no we're not tired of each other yet no it's crazy it'll come it'll happen we had dinner with our wives the other night and my wife was like it's crazy you and langston can still have stuff to talk about yeah it's so fucking funny yeah we're not curious about them at all we're talking to walking them out of it yeah oh no we're just kind of telling each other about our weeks we're just kind of going over top golf yeah yeah at the dinner no i didn't even i didn't even talk to her about top golf no i i didn't bring it up um but that was because i wasn't again wasn't good at it and you were okay you were not bad that bumped me out you won two games i won two games yeah but the way you won felt like you earned it and the way i won felt like um i got uh lucky you're in your head dog yeah you're in your head on that one i can feel that you're in your head you guys are playing against each other because you have how it is that's that top golf is designed to be um bullshit competition because everybody is drunk and nobody knows what they're doing yeah except for that one kid who was next to us we were next to a a young latino prodigy he was he was going so he was hitting them boys to the gulf of mexico tigre woods just the idea of everyone else drunk and this kid walking the fuck in no literally he was crazy drunk ass parent his drunk ass mom was betting him was being like i'll bet you twenty dollars you can't hit it over the fence he'd be like give me the money and then flat who damn over the fence his old 15 his older you know who couldn't hit was his supportive cholo father yeah yeah that man this is the first time he had held a golf club not crime related and it showed he was so bad and you could tell that he had his sunglasses on it's it's 10 p.m he's hitting the he's hitting the balls and they've been talking shit to each other the whole time he's talking shit to people the kid is talking shit to people when the dad hits nobody talks shit everyone goes not too much relax relax relax and the dad's hitting bad like shanking straight in front of our shit it's scaring us yeah it's so bad he's so bad he's so bad but he was strong he was scared he was he was a man an incredible joke in his hour i don't know if i don't think it's come out yet steve's hour i but i was at the taping and he was like he was like talking about how uh he was they were at a dodgers game and some guy was like racist to them and his dad turned around and like punched like hit him really fucking hard and steve's like it was incredible for us we were so excited it's the first time we'd seen him hit someone that wasn't our mom i was like jesus yeah yeah he's really really doing that shit boy that's really funny though yeah it's a great joke it's a great joke i love the jokes where um where we go it's a great joke i don't know what's gonna happen i have no idea the results of the audience's reaction but but we all agree that is a well-written it's a great show i'm sad for your family i'm sad for your mom but ultimately i'm going that's a great joke those are the bits we should all strive for i think so those are the bits i do in life yeah i'd be sending shit out not knowing if it's gonna land the ones that scare you a little bit yeah yeah yeah all the time in mixed company have you had one recently that's what that you were scared wouldn't work out and it did uh oh i feel vindicated because on our podcast i talked about having deli meat at the movies and people have really rallied behind me in some comments you do what yeah thank you for for asking a follow-up question i was worried you were gonna let that keep free flowing no i'm interested well i'm a free man first of all let's start with my freedom yeah you're gonna want to check the emancipation program i'm gonna check the emancipation program i'm gonna check the emancipation program proclamation because i am a free man let's open it up and know that i can't be controlled contained boxed or bottled yeah uh i sometimes take deli meat to the movies okay so what kind how much are you boar's head boar's head turkey ham so i like the cajun chicken but i i i you know i go to the deli counter and i kind of do whatever i'm feeling in the moment and then you're taking it in just in the boar's head baggie no i separate baggie okay separate baggie transfers it he's not unreasonable yeah because i get it because i get it like two pounds at a time i'm not taking two pounds of deli meat that would be crazy to see the odyssey that's not yeah how many slices are you genuinely taking in there it's more of a loose grab i get it deli sliced but once it's in the pack the chicken especially yeah you're eyeballing the amount of deli meat you're bringing you can't even get it in slices when you're trying to make a sandwich with the chicken you just have to grab it in hunks okay see he knows i know what you mean so what are you grabbing half a pound no i'm asking i'd say for a long movie we the last time was spider-man i was probably five ounces okay five to six ounces i'd say and what you're just you're just out of the bag straight to the mouth yes no like cheese crack or anything like that and that's the troubling part for me that's why everybody's so mad i've got no issue with deli meat in the movie theater i'll bring bullshit you do have an issue with deli meat you very clearly do it's the exclusivity of the deli meat i want you to have something else why explain to me why propriety respect for others i think he's right respect crackers is respect i think crackers is class crackers and now i'm respectful crack crackers is class we've all agreed on that that's what a charcuterie board is you bring pad tie to the movies and you're giving him shit i i've i've brought a full meal i'm not on your team i brought a full meal what's so true to me langston's a psychopath that's so much crazier and you make me try to feel bad that's crazy i'm saying crazy that's actually way crazier than lunch meat and i'm not kidding i don't i don't agree i think that now movie theaters now movie theaters have become dining experiences we have had full meals at movie theaters i'm just bringing them full meal they serve chicken it's like finger food that's what i'm saying i'm saying we can elevate there's not a michelin star at amc yet that is completely fair that is fair yet what i'm saying is that thai food versus deli meat deli meat is a lower lift it's quieter it's less messy the smell is less i think that he is vilifying me and it's i don't think it's fair i'm at villainizing and i actually have a note for the thai community as well oh oh ambitious we've all been waiting for white guy notes on the thai community we've been waiting and it's time this feels like one of those steve hernandez bits yeah a little dangerous i want to speak to the thai community here's what i want to say i'm a massive enjoyer of your food i'm in your restaurants all the time yeah thai people i'm in your restaurants ask any thai restaurant in america if i've been in there you're gonna have a you're gonna have a pretty high hit rate the pictures on the wall and it is signed i have been in the thai restaurants i think that allows me to speak on what i'm about to speak on yeah when we're putting shrimp in a noodle dish or a curry go ahead and take that tail off for me yeah i like what you're saying what the fuck am i meant to do yeah it's gonna kill you yeah to take the tail off just slice it before you because now i'm grabbing into the curry and yeah you can take a fork and knife and you can cut it off i know i'm in too much hurry let's not make concessions here you're absolutely right take the tails off take the goddamn tails off you think you leaving that tail on is making me believe in the authenticity of this meal no i already believed in it that's why i came i believed in you take that fucking tail off i believe you the whole time and this goes no not because you're only saving us this much meat right that's right yeah i'm only getting this much extra meat because like when you you know what i mean when you kind of if you do that wiggle you can get that little you can get that little how much protein is that i don't give a fuck give me that little i'm tracking macros but you know you just squeeze it so that that little extra piece comes out i can actually still get that meat that's and i'm asking you and it isn't just thai folks really that's just where i end up the most this applies to all people i was going to say that i think don't even just put it on thai i think across the globe i'm realizing that this is mostly i i address this to the thai community because that's where i eat all the time right i'm really never not at thai but i'm guessing maybe there's italian restaurants that do the same thing oh allow me to allow me to pick up the ball you just passed and say steakhouse community steakhouse as well they're putting tail on shrimp in the pastas they think it's so cute to put it on a skewer it's garlic herb with the with the tail yeah here's here's what they're doing and i know this is true when you cook shrimp if you take the tail off they get smaller faster yeah so they leave the tail on to make them stay fucking plump and padding the stats they're padding the stats but take you have the ability to take that off before you serve it to me post cook pre-serve come on there's a window and also before you hand it off take that tail off also corporate america why are we so greedy just give me one more littler shrimp yeah just give me one more well this is what chinese restaurants chinese takeout restaurants innately understand they'll give you a hundred small shrimps and they have no qualms about it yeah guess what not a tail in sight on the small ones no yeah i'm into that i was shocked when i found out that shrimp could be as big as they are because i was exclusively getting them out of chinese food restaurants get big dog shrimp are fucking huge yeah it's kind of scary i thought they were like little itty bitty motherfuckers man them things they get big they could be even like this way bigger way bigger this guy didn't know how big shrimp can be a walnut's like that big no they're way bigger than also dude there's shrimps again oh okay okay okay like like like the long ones tiger shrimp is that what they're called i don't like it when they got the legs on there yeah that's a bummer when here's what i'll tell you if you're a restaurant that's serving head tail legs and skin on shrimp you were not interested in serving shrimp no i'm not doing all that yeah it's also but they know what they're doing like you ever get a boil and then you get down to the bottom of the boil that's like a pound of shrimp carcass yeah like you you charge me for that they're patting the stands this is weight hundred percent it's like when they do chicken chicken wings boil we should start an ethical boil restaurant oh i'm actually very interested it's a good idea true measurement of the meat and not and not the the shells and we count we don't even put the other stuff in we measure your seafood then we boil add the potatoes and sausage yeah no water there's no water weight no water and that corn's coming off the cob by the way yeah yeah because the cob is weighing shit down the cob is two pounds it's mostly cob it's all cob and they're giving you a lot of cob is fucking trash you can't even do anything with that yeah yeah it's all cob that's running the scale up yeah yeah no that's like that's the equivalent of putting baby laxative in your cocaine yeah that's what i do really like the idea of you all being like defiant at the register like i'm gonna be honest with you there's a lot of that's all cob that's all i don't even buy food by the weight no more really no yeah isn't that same with like yeah we've lost our way it's fucked i same with yogurt there's a yogurt spot by my house and it's like oh yeah you you you greet me you're very nice you say hi to the dog or whatever but you're charging me too much for these toppings yeah no the shenanigans with the yogurt spots are are intense and i don't even believe you're making money i think it's a front oh you don't think any yogurt spots are making how much yogurt does anybody sell in a day that's a great question prime location you talk of menchie's on a good corner but before menchie's it was pinkberry was all there's there's always been a menchie's i don't think it's a lot of money in yogurt you don't think so you think this is the same vibes as like mattress companies i think it's the exact same thing as something's going on at mattress companies yeah and frozen yogurt shops i think they're in cahoots dude when i moved to new york i went to a mattress uh store in uh what the fuck is that like atlantic brooklyn atlantic terminal that area yeah um like the atlantic mall or whatever i went in there i said hey i need a mattress for my guest room i am not going to spend more than 500 on this it needs to be a queen i'm not going to spend more than 500 on this it needs to be a queen i'm not going to spend more than 500 on the guest mattress i eventually get a new mattress i'll put mine in there mine's very nice for now it's going to be that and he goes he goes cheapest one we got is 1400 it's really nice i go all right well i'm not spending that so have a good day he goes hold on hold on hold on what if i can get it down to 600 i go i'm at 500 is my budget he goes i'll give it to you you're not running a business no i should have walked out of there without a mattress you're like 1400 is best i can do but if you need five i don't like that it's like buying meat in a foreign market have you ever been i haven't done it we got him we got him i don't even know what he means like that he called me a psychopath but guess what bigot bigot he hates markets this is the king jimmy market in sierra leone west africa freetown they just say numbers and then you say numbers and then you walk away with some fish self-hating i've never been to i'm not self-hating i'm thrifty yo you really be trying to get on me for being thrifty we were talking on the phone yesterday and i was in smart and final yeah and i was like oh that's a good deal on gatorade and he was like we gotta get this guy to the suburbs because i spotted a good deal yeah no i'm like you in that way yeah because i spotted a good deal it wasn't the spotting he's post-economic he doesn't know the price of anything it was the exclaiming on the phone that that was more troubling for me oh i can't i can't share what i'm going to be excited about my life with my buddy i can't talk to my friends we were in the middle of a business conversation he'd be like whoa half off on gatorade and it it just wasn't 199 for a 32 ounce it's a great deal it's a great deal did you grow up poor langston uh i didn't he forgot i grew up uh in a very complicated situation yeah where half the week i was poor and half the week i was not yeah that's complicated so i had i always had money in my mind but then would have time where i i didn't i've always got money in my mind as well i'll tell you that i never stopped yeah the grind never stops i've never slept a day in my life one thing i love about doing business with you guys is when we were figuring out my mama told me coming to wave and boy are we grateful for that by the way so dog we're doing that it changed a lot for us i was just saying i got a i was surprised to see the they sent me the press release and you guys had commented first and then they asked if i wanted to add a comment and your guys's remark in the press release was that it didn't really make sense that we were friends yeah and i in that that that hurt i'm not gonna lie to you that stung that's how you read it i read that on my google pixel and i said wow wow these guys don't think it makes sense they were friends i think it makes perfect sense and i thought that was great brand placement excellent yeah they're not gonna notice it at all at home yeah yeah let me check the time on my apple oh no i forgot i switched my google pixel 10 pro no they actually can we get some of those since we're on the team now uh yeah you can have one i'll get you a google pixel if you want one no problem do you really want a google pixel i want some free shit fuck yeah i'm a google pixel user i'm on green text dude yeah i was i was surprised when we i'm on there it's because people leave me alone more i like that and i like that i get put on less group texts a lot of people from my past that really should some of them shouldn't be reaching out some of them should but some people who shouldn't be reaching out are uh texting mutual friends and then going i think caleb changed his phone number that's good that's good that's for the best the presumption is somebody with money always has an apple product and therefore the fact that you don't means that you are not yourself something has changed and we're talking like when i say that i'm talking like person i was in one study group with freshman year of college i've had this phone number since i was in sixth grade wow so there are people reaching out sometimes that i'm like you don't really have any business reaching out to me yeah yeah yeah it's for the best if you think i changed my number no you got to switch that shit yeah i've had i've had probably had seven phone numbers as an adult really wow i'm on the same shit yeah i haven't changed my phone number since i was a kid that that uh that shows me a level of stability in your life that maybe i didn't have yeah no one thing my mom made sure of so many phone numbers damn i used to wait when it was metro pcs i just wouldn't pay the bill anymore and then you would pay the bill back and they'd have already given away your number sorry brother we had other plans we actually didn't think we were gonna hear from you again yeah yeah so we already ported your shit it's some guy selling weed in oakland now yeah and then you're getting like wrong text messages all the time yeah i've had so many because i don't like to be contacted either i really don't love it it gets to be too much it's too many it's the it's it's instagram email phone call text message it starts to be and there's a version of it that's like oh it's beautiful that i have so many like people in my life but it gets to be too much where it's like people are reaching out for stupid crazy bullshit yeah i'm like you gotta i gotta you gotta leave me alone all my all my day is correspondence yeah responding to shit you don't respond to the right things speaking of which hey could i put in a sandwich order for this i did not respond to that to a sandwich order for today yeah have we ordered too late let's do let's do another order well i don't know what do you want it's not too late it's not too late can i get the roast beef as well thank you no of course we'll get you that was one i i realized i didn't just in this moment i was like no i brought it up in the car but then i was like in my head about it i was like it's too late you can always ask and langston didn't help he was just like ha ha ha you fool no michelle loves how she michelle loves helping other people she doesn't love doing anything for me but she loves she would love to get you a sandwich that's probably healthy though right that's actually the way it's supposed to be yeah i think that's you guys have a fun thing i could feel it no she loves that energy yeah yeah yeah oh shit she's yeah yeah talk shit on me on your huge podcast that's awesome no yeah Don't give me a microphone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't allow me to defend myself. No, but this actually brings up a good point, which I was going to say earlier, which is doing business with you two is very interesting because it's kind of like, do you know how when you have your friends with a couple and there's a correspondent partner and then a shows up partner? Yeah. Ooh, this is going to hurt. No. It's not intended to hurt. Langston hits that fucking phone. Yeah. Langston does hit that phone. David pops in just at the key moments and I picked up on that. But here's the thing. Behind the scenes, it is constant communication. I felt that. He's a better face for this thing that we got. I felt it. He's a much better face. I would say something and then there would be a break where I was like, they are conferring and then Langston would say, that sounds good to us. And I would say, they talked. He's so eloquent. He types so fast. He's coming from us. Someone has described our relationship as I am the mommy and he is the daddy. Who did that? Who did that? I don't. I don't. I don't want to talk about it. It's not important. That means there was somebody close to you. I said, I said, you shut up, woman. Yeah. He was always saying that. It was his son. You shut up, woman, to your son. It's the only way I can take the power back. That sucks. That must, it must have hurt you because, yeah, you never told me that until just now. No, yeah, it stung really bad and I'm sorry I got vulnerable. That's so fucking funny. But we are on the same page, though. Yeah. Much like a relationship should be. But it's just, you are so much better. I feel like when I try to respond to things, it comes off clunky. I think you're in your head. Okay. You're in your head on that one. That's my top call. I also know that I'm quick on the draw, so I don't mind being the person. I will say, when we had Keeping Records, my first podcast way back with Shelby Wolstein, Shelby was the communicator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be like something for me. From whoever. And Shelby would be the first one to be like, hey, Caleb. Like, she was on it. Yeah. And I was like, thank God for her. Is that not your. That's how I feel now. Yeah. Your natural instinct, because you're juggling so many people, is that where you stop wanting to respond quickly or is it your natural instinct? No, I'm a responder. I do a lot of things. I'd say I'm mostly, I err more on the side of doing things myself than I do asking for help, but I'm getting better and better. I'm getting better and better at asking for help, I think. I think. I'm looking. I'm checking. He says to his associates, both with no microphone. Yeah. No, there's a microphone over there. Chance gets one. Oh, Chance gets one. You have to be careful. Chance laughed but did not affirm, and that is troubling. Am I getting better at asking for help or am I still annoying and I do things my own, and I do them badly and then everyone gets annoyed with me? You're the most perfect man on God's earth. See, but then sometimes you get that. I tried to get my managers yesterday to tell me a moment that I had been a diva on an episode in a funny way, and they were like, I mean, you're great. And I was like, whoa. Yeah, man. Whoa. You've been in show business? What did you think was going to happen? I didn't think that was my setup. I will say they called back two minutes later and they found one. So that was a nice balance. Okay, so they did come up with something. They came up with something, but they had to get off the phone and kind of figure out what was safe to say. That's the thing. That's what it was. Because they all had a thing immediately in their head. Yeah. They knew exactly what it was the second you asked the question. Yeah. But then they had to confer with each other to make sure that it was. It was okay to say the thing that popped in their head. Yeah. I mean, I will say within this business relationship that we've all entered in now, I want some of that. I don't have any diva, I don't think. You want to be a diva? We don't have much of it. No, there's not a lot of diva behavior. Thank you. Thank you for the water bottles. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate, but thankfully, I'm here to help. Hinge is the dating app designed to be, you guessed it, deleted. It's for people dating with intention, going on dates, putting themselves out there. Hinge is designed for finding connections. What makes Hinge the ideal dating app is its user-friendly layout and its interactive prompts feature that allow you to ask potential suitors questions or pick topics to get the conversation going without the awkward ice-breaking phase. What we hear is so true, the whole team, love the most about Hinge, and we're always bringing this up, has got to be the signals feature. Which allows you to see what profiles thoughtfully engage with their matches. I mean, who doesn't love thoughtful engagement? For anyone who might need a little assistance when it comes to making their profile pop, Hinge has just released their new Friends Take feature that lets you invite the people who know you best to contribute short, authentic reflections directly to your profile via text, voice, video, and photos. Chance, why don't you give them a reflection for me, for my Hinge profile? For you? Yeah, well, give them a, you know me best. Give them a reflection. Give them a reflection of me. Oh, wow. A great smile, and he always picks up the check. That's actually, yeah, that's actually really nice. Actually, Nicole clipped that. Send that to me. Next time you're looking to make a connection, do us a favor and give Hinge a try. This episode is brought to you by Booking.com, folks. We all work hard, most of us anyway, and we deserve some rest and relaxation. I love clearing my calendar and going vacation mode when I can, and Booking.com is here to help you do the same. Picture this. You're sitting in the car. You're sitting in the backseat of your office carpool car in bumper-to-bumper traffic, about ready to just end it all. You're wondering, you're wondering how to get here. At that moment, you open your phone to Booking.com. The next thing you know, boom! You're sipping on a cold Mai Tai on the balcony of your beachfront hotel in Miami. Sun on your skin, not a care in the world. This time you think to yourself, how did I get here? 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The one shorts are perfect for when it's time for a long bike ride around the city. Shop now at Fabletics.com/sotrue to get 70% to 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. Take a quick style quiz and be sure to select SOTRUE when prompted to unlock this offer. This is a limited time offer, so don't wait to get in. That's Fabletics.com/sotrue for 70% to 80% off everything as a new VIP. Wait, so you guys want to start taking up some diva space? I think we need to start taking up a little more space. I want to talk down to a few people. Somebody, man. We can arrange that. Yeah. Somebody. It's just the dog right now. And that's getting. You can start with Chance. Honestly. If you ever need to talk down to somebody- I can't. We already hugged to meet. Yes. Fuck. We opened it up to her. I'm down. Nicole will be a good person. She's really- You know that. Come on. She's in the back. Nicole's a ride or die. If it was just us, we'd be fools to build a bridge with her. That's the problem. We're really in bed in a way that's- It stinks. You guys are in with Nicole. That sucks. I don't know who you could talk down to because it's going to need to be somebody who works with you. Otherwise, you're talking down to a stranger and that doesn't- I think- I've been doing that more since I started driving in traffic and stuff like that. I'm talking down to strangers. Yeah. You're doing it passenger side too. Okay. Yes. Okay. All right. All right. Good note. All right. All right. I would say in this relationship, I do most of the driving. Is this because of the thing at the beginning? He does do all the driving. Yes. And if somebody walks in front of the car, David will roll down the passenger window and be like, "Boo! Boo!" Very confrontational in a way that I'm not ready for, but he is. It's not if somebody. There's been a transgression. I'm not just doing it, but- No. There's something wrong. I will boo people out of the car. Yeah. I get. In Kansas City in particular- Yeah. The drivers there are so. Kansas City is becoming. First of all, it's a lot of drivers from the suburbs or the country. Right. And they come in and are unfamiliar with how to behave in an urban place. Right. Like a city that has different things going on, like pedestrians and cyclists. Yeah. Right. And Kansas City is getting more and more pedestrian lanes and bicycle lanes and stuff, which is awesome. I spend a lot of my time in driving in Kansas City. I'm stopped for a. It'll be a busy street where people go 40, 45 miles an hour, and then there'll be a crosswalk and a pedestrian trying to cross. I stop at the fucking thing. It's not a stoplight, but it's the thing. the crossing cars zipping through there just like would it hit a single mother with a fucking yeah i'm laying on my horn for like full minutes just being like do you see this like woman trying to like and they want they just can't they're like they're looking at me going and i'm like what do you mean that's a human being i get so pissed off i'm like we need to be a real place is casey pedestrian heavy that no that's the thing but it's getting more and more as it gets denser and and we have this street car that started to we have a free street car and so that's fun people are using like public transit and bicycles more and more there do i have a question being from denver tell me do people hate bicyclists in kansas city yes and it's so fucking dog in denver that's a personality yeah like they hate people oh hating a cyclist is a personality they hate the culture yeah it's like that because i got into bicycling the last time i was living in denver yeah and yeah they don't like you they don't like you it at all holy shit it's like being a motorcycler yeah well it used to be i'm fuck the motorcycle people that's where i'm at oh these motherfuckers especially in la they are splitting lanes going so fast and then they have the fucking audacity to be like watch out for motorcyclists bitch you watch out for you yeah stop doing that shit and here's the thing internationally they're splitting lanes but there's so many motorcycles everywhere that you just know to be ready for a motorcyclist are you talking about yeah but even like i went to greece and they're like always in the middle oh i feel like greek people love them they love the motorcycles out there that's their shit more than taziki i would say they're all motorcycles they're not really splitting lanes at 90 miles an hour but that's the thing they're going at a reasonable pace and they are constant so i know they're coming out here it's a motorcycle splitting lanes every like 10 minutes yeah so i'm not even prepared for you like that and now suddenly i gotta not kill this man he comes zooming in and he's like oh my man yeah and you're going 90 or whatever you're going like 89 you're going so fast on this thing yeah i'm like it's crazy it real they drive me nuts you ever had a motorcyclist scold you oh yeah when they're they're splitting lanes and then they they get mad at you because you weren't over enough or started to go and didn't see them type shit yeah i've had one stop and bang on the hood it's nice and i didn't even roll my window now i was just like get get the fuck out of here i just literally did this i was like what are you i'm not gonna fight with you on your motorcycle yeah now you're standing still in a highway go i'm in a car i'm in a car you're wearing a helmet i'm not i'm more successful than you yeah yeah that's what i got a whole vehicle i'm a man i'm a man you should be scared of my car you're in the air force not people who make bicycles i'm just kidding what branch of the military you guys think you'd be in if you were in the military the air force what's the scariest cattiest one you think so i always heard that the air force was more like you're in the military you're in the military you're in the military you're in the use your brain to get out of things oh yeah it would be yeah i don't i don't want i don't think i'd be a marine that's for sure i don't think you'd be a marine i appreciate that i guess i don't and i don't want that no no no i think i think air force or navy is probably where i'd end up i prefer you in the air force yeah i like that for you yeah i think in my heart of hearts i wish i could be a marine um but i i think ultimately not in real life i think that shit's awful but but uh not a fan um not exactly rooting for what we got going on i don't love the missions we're going on actually i'm not a big supporter of what we do with that let's see what steel team one is up to um why i don't know that we've seen what six is doing and i don't care if it won't work you're like let's because one is better than one might be better okay uh point being i think i'd probably end up in navy that feels more accurate i think you guys i'm just in this moment yeah thinking you guys would be so sick in a war movie as like guys in the trenches together it would have to be a war movie but at the it would have to be during a time that they instituted the draft right i don't think anybody would believe that we both willingly signed up but it would be me and you like in a kitchen like damn i miss kansas city yeah yeah you got a girl back home yeah little picture in your helmet yeah i would actually love that if anyone out there's a screenwriter yeah i would write a script for these guys to be war buddies and i'd love to be in there if i could but i understand mostly about them you could also work we could all work in a kitchen or a small role i could be a small role okay i mean mostly be about you guys and they'll just maybe think about you guys and they'll just throw me in as like you know the dumb guy off to the side you're handing in that memo to the general that then clears us uh from from being uh court martial yeah i do want to interject i don't think you could play a dumb guy yes i could i don't think so david i this is a compliment i i i can't do is to say a dumb guy thing right now um you're blowing it almost totally the way a dumb guy is it's not the way that you did it not the way not the way that you did it yeah you can see your eyes searching for information yeah there was there's so much thought there's so much thought behind it you said dumb guy if they went if they went cross then we would have known you were in if you said i could play a dumb guy david you i believe a dumb guy thing fucking like it's like will you say a dumb guy thing i think the pat's are gonna win that's really funny that's really funny but you're not a dumb guy that was pretty good i want to be a dumb guy cosplay dumb though i hit a pretty sweet lick in some of the in chicago right at the end of me being in chicago i got to play the dumb white guy in a lot of like uh diversity showcase sketches well i mean that was fun yeah i think that i think that black women are so talented they could make anybody look like the dumb guy that's actually the easiest place to do it yeah that's the dumbest okay that actually really does push up against my narrative a little bit that i was a good actor no maybe i was just part of a good company fuck maybe tisha was carrying the whole thing fuck okay okay let's cut for a little bit let's go we'll come back after lunch this has been really really informative you do a lap everybody do a lap you edit out the whole dumb guy thing just cut back into me saying the pats are gonna win i think you can play a dumb guy i think i think i don't think either of you could play dumb i think i would struggle with it but i think it is all possible if if you are you are handed the right circumstance it's the right flavor of dumb okay i don't think we give enough credit to how dumb you can be while also being articulate and and that now it just feels like you're campaigning for yourself i'm a dumb guy you're not a dumb guy i'm a i'm a not smart guy you guys more than you realize you guys are brilliant charming lovely people that both of you have you ever had to paint have you yes and oven cleaner well i could play a dumb guy give me some paint yeah why were you huffing oven cleaner because it was a snowstorm caleb you're being unreasonable you're asking the wrong question that's on me that's one a hundred percent on me hey if you want this show to work you're gonna have to ask better questions yeah the first show does not work first of all the so true podcast does not work it's not it's a miracle that people listen to this garbage i can't believe it every week we put on episode i go people are listening to this we we feel the same yeah you think we feel different almost every time we're like i can't believe that this is this is even getting a little bit of traction how did you how did you guys start the show i started the show i started it uh in the pandemic uh as we all did with podcasts the desperate and alone um and assuming comedy will never come true but but ultimately it was just um black conspiracy theories and conspiracy theory in general is my favorite thing and so like it it just became like a great uh fun premise but i was doing it alone and it did not work it was like truly a a you're sitting down with a stranger and i'm a silly billy so i'll talk about conspiracy all day but i don't mean any of it and then i'm talking to who are either taking it very seriously or or not at all and i don't know how to manage that behavior and it wasn't until he came on that i think it really uh figured itself out hmm yeah i see that yeah i'd say that i see that a home needs a dad it can't just be mom who said this somebody fucked you up somebody fucked you up and i feel like we gotta just talk about it to get past it a home needs a dad they said who said this i can't get over who said this it's so it's so scary to think about who said this it's like there's no way the answer would be anywhere near as scary as just everyone i meet for the rest of my life could be the person who said this like they walk among us anyone could be the person who said this it's like that movie fallen it's so scary to think of who said this they're all demons how long ago was it that they said it it was fairly recent i could tell it's sitting at the front of my mind we talk a lot and you've never said and i know i wasn't gonna bring it up ever and i don't feel like it's an accurate assessment of our relationship what do you feel like it misses i feel like because i'm checking my spreadsheet it's in all the numbers i feel like you're trying to drag me into deep waters to drown me right now and i don't appreciate it what does it not get right i don't think that i have the daddy energy like i don't think people are looking at a relationship like david pays all the bills i think you're assuming a very um specific version of mommy daddy relationship that's fair that maybe maybe you gotta unpack oh maybe i'm outdated maybe maybe daddy doesn't have to pay all the bills my mommy paid all the bills same yeah same yeah that's interesting though that your mom paid all the bills and yet you you said that it was dad that would pay all the bills that's interesting i wonder why well there was not a dad to pay the bills say that okay i assume had there been one touche i assume that's what daddy's hold on good point three guys with moms who paid all the bills being like so a dad yeah let's talk to us about what dad's doing so if a dad were around i guess what would you pay the bills yeah a gay guy a poetry major and a soft boy let's really get into that dad shit yeah the manosphere just got bigger folks yeah got three new contestants in the manosphere games oh shit that is so funny apple pay is the simple secure and fast way to pay that's because your credit or debit card is right on your iphone accepted at millions of places from big box stores to boutiques you can check out with your iphone anywhere contactless payments are accepted apple pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with face id before you pay and your actual card number is never shared with merchants add your debit or credit card to apple wallet to check out in seconds simple secure fast that's apple pay terms apply this episode is brought to you by nordstrom for 125 years nordstrom has been part of your story the stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview the first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old the tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe these are the moments that make nordstrom nordstrom big or small we're here for all of it celebrating 125 years with new moments still add discover it all in nordstrom stores and at nordstrom.com endless summer escapes start here travel the worlds of netflix irl inspired by fan favorites like stranger things and squid game brave the upside down face off with the front man play leveled up arcade games shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks beat the heat play eat and shop on repeat at netflix house at galleria dallas bring your crew and save get your tickets today at netflix.com slash house langston you told me not to have kids recently you've been having a rough week i don't remember saying it but it does sound like me i was like i don't even remember how it came up i was talking about like i don't know wanting kids or something or how beautiful it is to have kids and you you think you were on vacation and you're like there's not a moment of fucking peace all it is is just parenting somewhere else that's what vacation is now i do remember we were in greece yeah uh and and you you were saying how beautiful the vacation sounded yeah and then i said i my children go to bed at 8 p.m and therefore i have to go to bed at 8 p.m yeah and in that way i um i will never know a vacation ever again yeah and i don't recommend it you don't ever sound rested when you come home from vacation i'm not i've no i'm not i'm not i remember when you guys came back from hawaii i was like oh man and you were like it's just yeah no i'm keeping people from drowning for for eight hours of my day it's not rest it's anxiety but but they're having a blast and in that way i go i did it i did everything i was supposed to do you did because your family does seem so happy they're so happy they're so happy that's all i need yeah man that is my pleasure is that they're happy and sure i'm gonna write nasty things about them yeah i'm gonna say nasty things about them on podcasts that's the only freedom i have yeah because otherwise i serve them if that's what it is that's not gonna work for me yeah if parenthood is their joy is enough yeah i'm gonna have to find a different way to do it skip it all together because that one's not gonna work for me personally that's not my idea of how it'll go that and so in that way i was giving you great advice for from me yeah but maybe somebody else is gonna do this better than i am from the heart yeah but he also loves it so it's like interesting it's weird yeah no i really like them they're good they're good people are you gonna do it you're gonna be a dad i yeah probably you think so okay yeah i see that you're gonna be you i don't like i like that i like i think i'm more worried about the dad stuff i like packing you like what i like like packing and stuff i think he's gonna be he's gonna be like uh he goes to the beach with like a cooler and like he brought shrimp cocktail to the beach did you yeah i'm scared what did you said you like packing so you're worried about being a dad i don't know if i'm no i'm not where i i think i think that i think that i almost have stolen valor with being a dad where i like all the stuff but with no kids oh not in a weird way but just like uh you know what i mean i got what you mean you're good at dad tasks yeah he brought a kite and it was great right it was a great kite i tried to find a kite the other day i was having a park hang with my friends and i was like we do need a kite caleb get you a kite it's pretty cool i was in big five the other day they got all kinds of stuff yeah they got lugs in there the boot yeah are you familiar with lugs i know lugs okay yeah yeah i wasn't sure how much lugs had no lugs in there i was like i don't know how much lugs had made it into the white community that's a good question okay it seems like a certain type of white guy who was wearing lugs for sure i knew white guys that wore tims but white guys that wore lugs they seem like they'd be terrifying yeah white guys who wore tims scared the shit out of me in high school as they should they were fighting on the votec bus crazy style they were raining punches he's about to make 100k a year welding yeah after this is over i was going to kill this shit yo dude what a name that is the name of a guy who would beat your fucking ass denver i didn't want to get in a fight because i didn't want to be in trouble but denver white guy in tims and a south pole jacket oh no he would walk past me minding my business he'd go what are you looking at pussy and i'd be like not denver go away he always wanted to fight somebody it was crazy i was like denver i know you have a challenging home life but get the fuck away he has to he did it was fucked up were you were you bigger than everybody else even in high school what did you say you're you're a tall person you're a tall person this is so scary one more time folks what a pickle i've gotten myself into freeze frame probably wondering i'm wondering how i got here so you were bigger than everyone in the building including the adults right caleb you're big as hell just more yeah more tales from your big ass life my life is a house i had to get that one in yeah that was beautiful yeah i was bigger than everyone yeah so did that that keep them from wanting to fight you he never really fought me he always he always wanted to pick a fight with somebody but he he never actually swung on me yeah i don't know i don't know who would have won he was scrappy and had a way worse life than me i don't know what he's up to these days those are two huge factors yeah scrappiness and having nothing to lose in a winning a fight yeah yeah like i had a fight with him i had a fight with him i had a fight with him things to lose and i'm not particularly scrappy like if you're fighting like don't fight guys who are outside a lot i say that too you know what i mean like if he seems like he's just fighting to keep warm skip it get out of there skip it this is his second fight this week yeah you gotta move on put your earrings back on outside guys are scary scary guys i think that's how shia labeouf has really um been able to to maneuver as like this version of himself you think he's outside a lot he's just outside a lot so we can't tell if he can fight or not that's a good point he's also pulling his shorts up a lot which is a you know when it's so confident it's scary when a guy when a guy is acting crazy and he starts pulling his shorts up do you know what i'm saying yeah exactly what you're saying yeah exactly oh i actually don't want to fight if you adjust your clothes at all i assume you know what you're doing yeah you're getting ready yeah you don't want this in your way i've false flagged a pants pull-up before yeah it's like to see more confident like i didn't fight nice yeah yeah yeah it was at public house this wasn't nearly as long ago as it should have been yeah i false flagged a pants pull-up to get out of a fight it's so fucking funny you knew you weren't gonna win this fight no i knew i didn't want to fight because i in that i never want to fight ever no that's real but sometimes you just let enough shit slide every now and again you're like all right i gotta stand on this one yeah that's that's very real go to bed tonight yeah damn you're more of a lover really i think uh yeah i think so for sure i think so 100 three lovers this is a three lovers lovers this is the three lovers this is a three lovers episode. I'm not really a fighter. Lovers and daddies. Lovers and daddies. Some of us like it. Some of us don't. Who said it? Who said it? I come back to it. I continue to wonder from a journalistic point of view, who said it? And we're never going to know. That's the great part. Who fucking said it? If it doesn't come out over sandwiches after we press stop on this record, I'm killing myself. You need to know who said it. I want to say it was Vandal. It feels like something Vandal said to me. That feels like a cold take Vandal would have. Yeah, Vandal says stuff. I don't know him. You don't know Vandal? Really? We've got to get you guys in a room together. Well, I've seen him on you. He's very funny. I don't know him personally. None of us do. You what? None of us do. No. That's the beauty of Vandal is that he is almost like a cryptid. Yeah. He's sort of like a strange lore that lives behind the whole aesthetic. Yeah. He's wonderful. I love him. No, he's like a tall tail. Yeah, exactly. He's our Paul Bunyan. I was about to say he's Paul Bunyan. Yeah. Yeah, he's got a big blue ox somewhere. Yeah. Running around. Damn. That's a fun way to be described. I'll never, that's, see, any kind of like mystery or anybody who gets described as like, no one really knows what that guy's thinking. I'll never have that. You don't think so? Yeah, you're such an open book. All I've ever done is talk completely honestly about the way I feel. Yeah. I've ruined any chance at mystery. That's right. Have you ever noticed mysterious people whenever you get too close? It is usually a letdown. For sure. Like, there's so many people I've been like, oh, you hear so much about this person. You're like, they're so interesting. And then you talk to them and you're like, oh, I think it's just a person who doesn't say a lot. But then. And is handsome. It's like an attractive person who doesn't say a lot. Yeah. Shrouded in mystery. But then you look at, like, how long Johnny Depp thrived and you go, well, that was worth it. Yeah, we did not want to hear him talk. Because, otherwise, you find out he's been, he's had boo-boo on his chest the whole time. Yeah. This wasn't the first time somebody shit in his bed. Yeah. This is just the first time we're hearing of it. Yeah. That's true. You know what I mean? Previously, the emperor's shit was invisible. Yes. And then it came into vision and we said, we don't like seeing that shit on your chest. No, we don't want that. I sort of think the hotter you are, the less you should talk. Is that complicated? That's actually really, really compelling. In a very, I'm not kidding way, I like that as a rule. I think so. I don't disagree with it. Yeah, like, it's like, you know, you're only going to disappoint us. Yeah, it's all a letdown. If you're so, so hot, you're only going to let us down. Yeah, I didn't have a choice. I had to start talking at a very young age. I've been blabbing since I came out. I had to start, the only reason I talk so much is because I had to start controlling the narrative. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From a very young age. I know what you think this is. Yeah. I was fat and gay in Missouri. Trust. I was getting my message out first. Folks, you're going to hear some nasty rumors about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some things are going to come out. I want to get ahead of it now. I was my own Olivia Pope. First of all, I'm not gay. That's called school spirit. Let's start there. I'm setting the parameters of the discussion. I'm actually the person who looks the most like the president. Yeah, so, but now, I really, yeah, I was, I started talking so quick. I remember getting in trouble for talking in school all the time, and I was like, well, you guys are being boring as fuck. I'm not allowed to talk, but you're being boring? School is boring. Teachers are so boring. Teachers are boring. I'm sorry. I respect teachers, but the teachers, I had a lot of them. I had some good ones, but a lot of them would give us, like, stupid little bullshit assignments that took me, like, three minutes, and then it'd be, like, 17 minutes of accompanied silence after I was done. I'm like, I can't. This is torture. Well, the problem is, as a former teacher, and I will stand up for us a little bit, you are the only one finishing that fast, and everybody else really needs that full 17 minutes, and I don't know what the fuck to do with you. It took me all day to put these worksheets together. Damn. Just chill, bro. What you should have done is talk with me. Maybe they're all still working on it. That's fair. You and I go chit-chat. That's right. Me and the teacher. That's fair. Mr. Kerman tells you about Greece. Mr. Kerman tells me about Greece. Tell me about your trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me about some things that are going on. You're more talented than the rest of these kids. You could go to Greece. And I go, no, because I make a teacher's salary, I certainly will only go to Greece once I become a comedian and escape this. Damn. I have nothing to talk to the child about. None of your life adornments were when you were a teacher. Bro, I was riding the train and drinking Kraken. Man, that sucks. It sucks that. You see what we do in this country? Our teachers have to drink rum. Yeah, I was drinking rum. Gimmick rum. Make the rum as black as can be. Our teachers have to ride the train. They have nothing to talk to their kids about. Yeah. No, I have nothing to offer. Have you ever had Kraken? You shouldn't, but if you have, we could talk about it. Do you think you would have been. Do you think if teaching paid really well, do you think you would have ever become a comedian? If you could have got the same money. Yeah, I wasn't. I wasn't fulfilled. I knew from the beginning, I was like, these kids, I'm not going to be permanent in their lives. This is me figuring it out. But I want to have as much impact as I can while I'm here. Yeah, I wasn't. I imagine while you were in it, you were very. I wasn't being a piece of shit. I was giving them my all, but the whole time, I was like, I got to get out of this. I remember one time. That's how I felt when I joined the Air Force. It took me one millisecond. There was a split second where I was like, David was in the Air Force. Allow me to process that for a second. Okay. Paint cleaner, Air Force. I remember one time, we got in trouble. We were being too talkative one day, and one of our teachers, it was like fifth grade, she was like, you know what? After class today, we're all running winds, sprints. What? She was like, we're going to run wind sprints as a punishment. She was like that? She said that, and as soon as she said it, I turned to the kid next to me, and I was like, we're not doing that. I was like, we're not running wind sprints. The whole day, she kept being like, no, keep it up. Do whatever you want. Act however you want, because we're running wind sprints, and then she took us out to the playground and was like, run. She's like, get in a line, and then she had a whistle, and she was like, start running, and I didn't run. Whoa! You were powerful! She was like, run. I was like, you're not the gym teacher. I remember saying, you're not the gym teacher. That's what the gym teacher does. That's where you drew the line. I was like, gym teacher can tell us to run. You're not that bitch. Yeah. And she was like, do you want to go to the principal's office? And I was like, and she sent me to the principal's office, and I didn't get in trouble. Wow. Which was the start of this whole evil empire that I built. I would have been so scared of you as a kid. I just was like, that doesn't make sense. The level of power that you just talked about wielding, God. It was laziness. I think you're a daddy. I will say, you were the scariest type of kid that I ever faced. The kid who doesn't buy into the program? Yeah. It wasn't good. The kid who doesn't know that there are other rules? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Or that knows that there are other rules that I have to abide by? That's dangerous. The kid who knows that you have a boss? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's actually not chill to just make kids run, and you can't do that? Crazy. Actually, still crazy of her. It is really crazy. I think also in her defense, whatever, I'm sure she was having a really bad day, but I think the issue with me and a lot of teachers was I was doing a lot of stuff for myself at home from a very young age, so I was like, why are you treating me like an idiot? I do so much of my day by myself, and now I'm in trouble with you because I talk a little bit. Keep in mind, I'm making myself dinner tonight. There was a disconnect where I was like, you're treating me like I'm an idiot, and I'm actually like, it bothered me. Wow. You took a lot more. You drew a lot more power from being a latchkey kid than I did. I never thought about it that way. I know. I didn't think of it as a powerful tool in my arsenal. I was embarrassed. So that was a source of shame for me. Our back door had a skeleton key. It literally was just an old enough door that a skeleton key was. And so I wore my key around my neck. Of course. And it was like. Yeah, but that was. That's how I got in my home. Yeah. Did you lose a lot of keys? No, because. Because I had to wear it around my neck. It was like a fucking. That was all I had. I stayed losing keys outside all the time, bro. I bet your mom was pissed. Dog, it would be like. Sometimes it'd be like, all right, you just can't have a key for a while then. Yeah. Fuck. You just gotta be an outside kid. What were you doing? What do you mean? Like, how were you losing them so often? Damn, I was just outside cutting up. Yeah. You know? Outside playing around, rolling in the dirt. I was. Throwing my key. Yeah. I was in the apartment. Letting my friend eat it. Taking it out of my pocket. Rolling around. Daring other kids to eat it. Daring other kids to watch me eat it. You want to play hide-and-seek key style? Yeah. I would just lose it all the time, and then I'd have to have, like, two weeks where I didn't have my key. Fuck. Your poor mom just being like, I can't get another key, man. Just your dumb kid losing a fucking key every day. Okay, I thought I was gonna pay the car note this month, but the key budget has gone up. I feel like at some point she had to be like, where are all these keys? Because I also had nothing as a kid. I even rarely had my backpack on me. I was truly, like, a loose child. You were going outside just raw. Bro, I was loose outside. I was loose outside. I feel embarrassed leaving the house without a backpack even now. See, that's nuts. You have a family. Yeah, I need stuff. And that's why we're so similar, but we're so opposite on other things. I don't like leaving the house with ID now. That's good, though. I don't like it. It feels like I'm too. What do you need it for? And I'm sure there'll be reasons. about you not having ID who's they exactly yeah exactly when was the last time you had to have ID I don't know we're doing it more and more now it's kind of coming up yeah almost like it's a problem yeah almost it's like that's not how people should live it is crazy the things that like the right-wing crowd is getting cool with all of a sudden just because they want to do racism against immigrants they're like like yeah I should always have my ID on me and be able to prove I'm a citizen it's like what I really am doing that shit I really didn't realize they wanted it that bad yeah you know what I knew they loved it like listen we all know you guys love this shit clearly you love it you got these jokes or whatever I didn't know they were willing to put themselves down to keep it in place they are going through hell it's really embarrassing they're taking everyone down with them they're like yeah I don't mind constantly having to prove I'm a citizen yeah I do what I do for sure I give you my ID to some fucking random cop I I hate giving my I hate giving my ID I don't trust fingerprints I hate it all I don't trust bouncers enough to know that they are they're calculating the the age and dates are looking at it too quick yeah they don't know that math you don't know that math because they always go yep good bro it's the Connecticut idea you don't even have it you don't know where the date yeah the date is in a different spot yeah what the fuck are you talking about it's not and I've gotten into places with wrong ID so many times it's like no this is not yeah you don't give a shit you know I've gotten into a lot of places I shouldn't have been by lying confidently yeah walking up to walk walking past a huge line and going we're on the list thank you just walking whoa works once again that's it works these days because I'm famous but it worked before that yeah no but that's the same energy that you entered the I'm not doing wind sprints thing like well the wind sprints thing is I'm editorializing from the future you know what I mean in saying what I was thinking I wasn't saying out loud to my teacher like I actually make dinner for myself I will not be running yeah you know what I mean yeah but I do think there's a I've also been turned away many times doing that so you have to be comfortable with rejection that's got to be a tough L to take though too huge L and I think that especially in front of your friends yeah the type of guys I got us but the type of people that have that ambition ahead of time are the type of people that then be when they become powerful are able to to actually to abuse it off yeah to abuse the power yeah congratulations yeah that's the side chapter that I'm in that's good cuz I worry about that I always think like if me and you get power I don't know if we're gonna be great about we don't get to talk down to know about we were man remember when we were playing Mario Kart at the arcade yeah and we were both like yeah I'm kind of a Luigi guy we're like damn that's yeah somebody's got to be a Mario yeah who's our Mario fuck we need a Mario bad Caleb you're our Mario I'm fucking jumping down the pipes looking for brand deals follow me what is so true to you guys did you prepare a joint we did prepare oh we did that was what we were talking about it's Martin yeah when when he was that smart and final we were we were having a hefty debate about what our so true would be and we landed on this I we we mommy and daddy believe that it's not your fault who said it who said it who said it who said it who said it that if you wear sunglasses inside you should be treated with the same uh harshness and judgment that we treat sex perverts really that's right oh wow I I think we have to start being being a country again we got to tighten up on that shit looking people in the eye it's getting way too loose it's we are doing dark shades especially in Los Angeles in in in dark rooms it's nuts yeah okay i've worn sunglasses indoors recently okay it's a change that i've made i've gone in that direction why i've experimented with that because i was outside with them on yeah and then i went inside and you weren't that's usually how it works i agree do you know what i'm saying yeah okay i think we're talking different i think we're more speaking of like you go to a nice dinner it's dark outside yeah like you like you wear them at night inside he's not fighting this he likes done that i've done that recently that's something i've got involved with wow we might need a new mario kind of cool mario got awesome kind of cool you guys really hate it that much you said i'm a sex pervert well you're the same yeah i'm the same yeah nobody gets hurt you you don't think that um you don't think that um it's a good thing that you're a sex pervert creates a disconnect for you and the people that you're sitting with you don't find it incredibly off-putting i didn't i didn't even think about it i've only done it probably twice i've only done it probably twice when it happens to you you when you encounter someone wearing sunglasses at night inside you don't find it off-putting i don't mind it at all you don't mind it i don't mind it at all that's beautiful i certainly don't think of them as equivalent to sex perverts i'm open to that i'm very open to you guys you don't say what are you hiding oh i imagine that they're just sleepy or they have a bloodshot eye or they were a little too stoned or something because that's what happened to me the first time i did i kind of liked it i was too stoned and i knew that if i my eyes were out in the open that i would i felt that people were going to see that i was too stoned and start making assumptions about me i was in a place of fear what assumptions that i was too high and then what i'm the kind of guy who gets too high oh okay you have to understand i'm in a high anxiety moment i he's a stoner he's a you know i was gonna say you are i yeah well i was i've not been off weed for a while now oh wow how do you feel uh fine but i miss being numb that's where i'm at always numb baby i'm feeling i'm like i'm not i wasn't even a huge stoner but i smoked maybe a couple times a week yeah and i'm like oh this is a time of this is like oh it's a wednesday night and i'm in the house two hours before i'm gonna go to bed this is a time where i'd normally just get stoned and go ahead and zoom those hours right by yeah and i'm like feeling those hours and i'm just kind of zipping these apart what are you filling the hours with i'm trying to do productive stuff i'm trying to do productive stuff what are you actually doing tv television documentaries i watched a six-part documentary on teddy roosevelt that's productive oh was it the pbs one yeah he's a very interesting guy do you have the pbs pass no oh okay no i don't know how i got it i also watched a six-part documentary he keeps asking nobody's saying yeah yeah he keeps he keep everybody i watched a lot of those people i love them so much the roosevelt you watch the teddy one not the one about the roosevelts yeah teddy roosevelt call this guy kim burns jr man he fucking loves it you know what's a fun one to watch is the denim one you should get the pbs pass i might and then you can watch them all it's really a good time i just did one on the founding fathers as well oh you know what else is good is the gilded age one i haven't seen it they just invented society new york society it's so fun to watch gilded age invented society yeah and then like talk about how these guys were all monsters vanderbilt used to spit it's really fun yeah you see the rich people have always been trash and i like that that's cool man teddy roosevelt in many ways a bad guy but in some interesting ways very good qualities really wanted to prove that he was strong wanted to prove he was strong and also was kind of like would like would go into like uh child coal workers apartments where they lived after work yeah then it would be like shake their hand and be like would be like we're gonna fix this whoa it was racist so you know we give and we take on that oh is that what his bad guy shit was was that he was just oh he was racist he but then he would he he also did some like he was racist and did some really racist shit while he was in office but then at the same time you know what i mean thank you thank you that means the world to me who was the black uh barack obama yes there was a black like thinker or poet eddie griffin if he had eddie griffin to dinner that's my guess he was coming he had eddie griffin to picture them at dinner together teddy just being stressed out by eddie griffin it'd be funny because they'd be using a lot of the same slang terms he was an interesting guy yeah he was an interesting guy i i who do you have to dinner booker t washington yeah booker t washington at the white house i've been to his house who's booker t washington's house how was it it was pretty cool yeah he wasn't there right no there's it's you can go to his house in tuskegee if you go to tuskegee yeah they still have his house preserved he was a complicated guy too though booker t i think all the i i don't think that you get to be any level of like the best guy without having pretty fucked up uh positions somewhere in the middle of that yeah i i personally believe i don't think that and we talked about this i don't think that we should learn anything else about people after they die yeah no more news about them if what i know i know yeah that's it what are you hiding yeah exactly exactly langston what are you hiding that's for me to keep okay that's my point right and if you don't find out to the grave i don't think yeah if you don't find out i win the game yeah that's what prince was was on you know what i mean like he was like bro i'm i'm out here doing wild shit y'all know i do wild shit keep my name out your mouth i think prince kind of did win the game he won i think if anybody won i think prince like the game of like uh entertainment and i think prince probably won you guys have heard about the documentary they yeah that didn't come out yeah they had they had a whole prince documentary that's supposed to be the greatest documentary documentary ever made it's like a beautiful complicated exploration of this dude that we know so little about and then through like them attempting to get the acquire it and then the family sort of or like the remaining folks the estate protecting it now the documentary is deaded it will never see the light of day and he won he didn't want that shit Prince won blouses game checkmate blouses checkmate game Prince he won he's the only one when you die everybody's like oh he pissed his pants that time yeah we know what Teddy Roosevelt was up to you guys want to play a game yeah let's do that you guys decide how you handle this but basically as a duo I'm going to read you 15 statements you're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false if you guys get 10 or more correct we're going to give each of you 50 US dollars yeah that sounds good to me alright Ford is older than Volkswagen false true Komodo dragons can have virgin births true that is true Ashley Tisdale is Canadian false false she's American yes yes Ikea has no stores in Brazil true that is true the Denver Nuggets have only won the NBA championship once I wish that had been Langston god damn it it is true the Titanic sunk in 1929 true false 1912 false it was 1912 fuck vertical angles are never equal false false they're always equal there have been three three three theatrically released Narnia movies true that is true lasagna day is August 14th in the US false false it's July 29th wow summertime lasagna day crazy that's nuts that's fucked I hate that and it's so close to fucking 4th of July why would you want lasagna day during summer vacation I'm still stuffed I'm still stuffed put that shit in January, February it should be February 15th for everybody who's sad about Valentine's day you're 100% right that's yeah I know that's totally it come on let's February we should start campaigning February 15th is the new lasagna day let's tell our wives first baby we got new traditions mommy and daddy got in the lab and figured something out today oh that's true oh that's true I'm glad that's catching on bringing that up was very vulnerable so you're sharing okay Betty White was born in Oak Park, Illinois true that is true he's from Oak Park I know some of these I should have it's a I should have chosen who they went to the factorial for zero is one false that's true the Motorola Razr 2 was released in 2007 true that feels right yeah that feels true to me the Razr 2 the Razr 2 no O R-A-Z-R no O yep that feels true that feels true it is true yeah Wendy's has discontinued the Baconator false that is false I got my little brother a Baconator three weeks ago this dude's an animal Cuttlefish have blue blood true that is true fuck fuck you guys are amazing there's nothing you guys can't do together we really feel that way the My Mama Told Me YouTube channel currently has 799 videos 799 videos 799 videos oh no true false false there's no way we have 800 videos okay false it's true yeah how they knew that you knew that i i thought we were you don't even pay for youtube premium yeah no i never will how'd they do chance 11 that's pretty good let's go that was so is that 100 total or 25 each it's 50 to each of you totaling for 100 and the sandwich let's go let's go we up and and wave water bottles and google pixels this is the best day of my comedy career it's a good day to be a part of the family it's it's a beautiful day thank you guys for doing it this was so great tell people where they can support you find you love you uh my mama told me on all all platforms yeah follow us instagram we're part of the wave family now we're under caleb's banner it's all bad and uh yeah follow us on all social media platforms my mama told me you've heard of 7 p.m in brooklyn this is 6 p.m in downtown la weird vibes i'm gonna be honest weird vibes strange energy our studio's not located in a great spot carmelo's not showing up and uh and we'll figure that out hey he wasn't the one who won us that one championship so i don't know why i said that no that's no worries yeah he's down the hall and i also really loved it i i just always felt like he didn't like our city and that made me sad but i really do love him yeah shout out apple pay is the simple secure and fast way to pay that's because your credit or debit card is right on your iphone accepted at millions of places from big box stores to boutiques you can check out with your iphone anywhere contactless payments are accepted apple pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with face id before you pay and your actual card number is never shared with merchants add your 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