David Cross & The Zamboni Lie

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That's BathmateDirect, B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E-D-I-R-E-C-T.com slash belly. Use code BELLY for up to 20% off. Hit BathmateDirect.com slash belly. Use code BELLY and start delivering legendary performances, Luke. The link is in the episode description. Hey, everybody. Bobby Lee here. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hi, hi, hi, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Bobby Lee, the finally tour is up for sale, 2026. You know, I shot a special for Hulu, and I'm going to go one strong tour before the special airs. I'll be in Detroit, Indianapolis, Montclair, Atlantic City, Medford, San Antonio, Houston, Dallas, et cetera, et cetera. Go to BobbyLee.live to get your tickets. I'll be there, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Cats opening and also Ramsey Badawi. No one cares, but anyway. Can I come to some? You can come to some. Do you really like the hat, or is this just something that you got nervous? The shirt's getting complimented. My hat is getting complimented. They told us to compliment. They were like, make sure he feels great about it. Do you do cans, or do you not do cans? I do not. Oh, you don't have to. I don't want to. Unless you want to hear a song at the beginning. I'm not going to do a song. I haven't been doing songs. This is a song for David Croft. He sings in a special. Do a song for him. Well, I mean, I didn't really write one. Oh, I need that. I didn't really write. Wait, okay, let's listen. Let's get in there. Let's get in there. Oh, no. Let's get the song. Let's get the song. Let's skip the song. Let's skip the song. We got to keep the hat on. Hat or song? Put the hat back on. Hat or song? It's PS11. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what. Let my hat hear the song. Okay, good, good. Zoom in on the hat. Yeah. I got that. Fuck the hat. I just woke up. Sorry. Can we start over? Yeah. David Croft. Yeah. David Croft. All right, David Croft, everybody. Put the hat back on. You couldn't rhyme something with Croft? Oh, yeah, all right, all right, all right. Wait, the fuck? David Croft. He's the boss. Yeah, all right. He's lost. He added a T. Yeah, I added a T. You could say his loss or at a loss. Yeah. I'm not much of a writer. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're more of a writer, I think. I'm more of a, like, I know logical rhyming. Oh, you know logical rhyming. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. So, you just Googled it. I can't talk you out. It's a little too late. I'm sober. Wait, what is that one? Just in case you're doing it again. Wait, cross with an E. Yeah, yeah, what's that mean? It's not even a thing. That's not a thing. What is a thing? That's cross if you're in love. That's a thing in London. Cross. Cross. Cross. Cross. Okay. Let's give him a proper intro, if I may. Huge fan. I'm comfortable. Are you good with compliments? I'm better now, yeah. You are? Yeah. Okay, so, you know, I saw when I was younger, I don't know what year, but this is when I was doing Premium Blend. I saw your- Premium Blend? Wow, that's going back. Yeah, I was a kid. That's 1940. 1948. 1948, I did Premium Blend, and I saw your HBO special, and then I became obsessed with Mr. Show, right? And then your work on Arrested Development, amazing. Waiting for Golfman, I remember that part. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've done so many things, and is that enough credits? That's fine, yeah. Yeah, Scary Movie. Scary Movie. Scary Movie, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two. Okay. Scary Movie, two. Do you have other credits, Pete? Uh-huh. Other credits? Other credits? That I had? That I mentioned? Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no. You go, Pete. No, now it's- Now you guys are on the spot. You guys are- That's actually the only thing I've seen. Yeah. You're getting thrown under the bus. I was like, Scary Movie 2 guy's coming. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Kat, any- Yeah, just a big fan. Okay. Just nothing specific. I mean, why narrow it down a handful of things? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a big fan, and you know, I- You know, I rarely get guests. It's not that I'm nervous, but it's like, I get a little- I'm kind of excited. I'm very excited that you're here. I'm excited to be here. This is a long time coming for me, and what a great guest. And I'd like to introduce everyone in the room, if I may. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. We have a gay here. Hi. Hi. If I had a guest. Yeah. I think I would have nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish you would have let him guest. Oh, I really- Yeah. And he's a Korean flavor. Yeah. Which is- Is it a rarity or no? So far, I haven't found many. It's kind of unicorn-ish. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So we have a gay Korean, and then this is our friend Cat Bird. I know plenty of gay Koreans. Do you? Do you really? What are their names? Not necessarily here. Name five. Not necessarily here in LA, but- In New York? Certainly in New York, yeah. I'll tell you what. This is my niece looking for his credit. Do you know who to ask? Kevin Spacey. Oh. He knows. He likes- Yeah, he likes that. Yeah, yeah. He likes the gay Korean. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he does. Yeah. Maybe Bryan Singer. The twinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The gay mafia is what I call it. Yeah. X-Men's coming back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. X-Men, but he's not- No. No. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Okay, so gay Korean. Yeah, and then we have a standard white is what I like to call her. Yeah, like a hometown standard Midwest white. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lady, lady. A lady. Okay, thank you. A white lady. Where are you from? David Cross. I'm from LA, actually. Oh, I don't- Midwest? Midwest. You don't know her? You were saying spiritually Midwest. Yeah, well, I just don't know much about her. Oh. Yeah, that's what- Wow. Well, I didn't know you grew up in LA. Yes. What part? Altadena. Oh, that is- Oh, wow. The Midwest of LA. There you go. That is the Midwest of LA. They consider it Little West of LA. They say pop. Little Ohio. Yeah, and then you- Did you ever live in LA or no? I did, yeah, for nine and a half years. Yeah. I was in Boston for nine years, and then I came out to write on the Ben Stiller Show and stayed and did Mr. Show and the aforementioned Scary Movie 2. Wow. And then I tailed it on out of here. You did. You got out. Yeah, I always- My little quip was that I moved to LA to make enough money to move away from LA. Oh. Because I don't- I'm not a huge fan. I don't hate it, but I don't care for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been trying to get out, too, but I'm stuck. You're here forever, dude. Where are you from originally? Where are you trying to go? San Diego. We're not sure. I like San Diego. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so in Boston- What do you mean, yeah, yeah, yeah? What the- What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, me. I know, but that's just the way I talk. Do I say yeah, yeah? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I say that a lot. It's the San Diego. It's condescending. Yeah. San Diego. Yeah, yeah. It's the San Diego type of, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just do it again. You know, how about this? How about this? How about this? All right, I'm going to try not to say it. This whole podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, I say it a lot? Yeah, you say it a lot. I do say it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Is that better? I figure it. But when you were in Boston, was it in the late 90s? No, it was, I was here in LA, late 90s. So I was in Boston from 80, pretty much like the end of 83, 84 to, when did I move here? 93. 93. Yeah. But were you doing comedy in Boston? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah. So Fitzsimmons was doing it then? Yep. Yeah, yeah. Did you know Lauren Dombrowski? Oh, you took a yeah off. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's a progress. Yeah, yeah. I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm growing. It's progress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, make this a shot thing. By the way, you're the first person that's ever called this out, I think. You're the first person that's ever called this out. This should be a shot where we get, yeah, everybody has to do a shot. Okay. We'd be dead. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. A dear, dear friend. Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Oh, Lauren and I go way, Lauren is, was really one of the, if you draw a line back to, you know, in the sense of like, well, am I? Mother and father fucked and had me. Like, what I, how I'm, where I am. Lauren was good friends with Stephen Wright. Yes. Who, and I had this thing called cross comedy, the sketch group that, it wasn't just a sketch group. We would do, take over kind of open mic nights. That was our thing. And we would have fake characters, comics, you know, and we would, so that the audience didn't know, we would sort of take over the show and open mic night with, like I'd host and then, or somebody else would host and I'd come up as a fake comic and we had plants in the audience. We would just start, it would just go and turn into a sketch show with videotaped stuff and all that stuff. Wow, wow. Lauren was part of that. And Lauren introduced, said, told Stephen, you got to come down at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge, check this guy out. And Stephen came down and I was like, what the fuck? This is cool. And, and then I talked to him briefly afterwards and he was really complimentary. And then he told his manager, Tim Sarkis, who only managed like three people, I think at the time, it was out of New York, to come up from New York, check me out. Tim did and said, I want to manage you. And, and then he was my manager for a long, long, long, long time. And then went to Brillstein Gray or Brillstein now. But, and then. And so this whole, and I came out to LA via Tim getting me, you know, Ben Stiller, and then, you know, hanging out with Bob and helping to get Mr. Show going. So Lauren was very directly, and the most awesome person. She's the most awesome. I still, I saw, you know, she has a twin, Lane Lynn. Yeah, yeah, I know Lynn. Yeah, you know, Lynn Dombrowski. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a couple years ago, I was in Boston. She came to see my show. You know what I mean? But Lauren was, I was on a show on MADtv. We should say Lauren passed. She passed. Do you know what her last words were? No. Oh, my God. There was a, we had like a. It's a comedy podcast. It's getting so sad. It's good. It's good. It'll be good. Why are we opening with sad? It's going to be really funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It better be funny. It better be funny, David. Yeah, yeah, very funny. It's really funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so her, so we had this memorial after she died, you know, and her last words, Bush, Bush was, George Bush was on the TV. HW or? No, W. Okay, W. Regular. Thanks for the clarification. Stands H. Regular W. All right, everyone, what just happened? Can you please explain? The Jews. No, no, no. Is it on now? Everything's recording. Everything's good. Yeah. Okay. I don't even know what the fuck we were talking about. It was about you not getting passed, and then Mitzi got upset. About getting passed. It was Ghost of Mitzi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but to explain, there was like a rolling brownout, which happens all the time in L.A. Power dims down, dips out, and then these guys who fucking live here are freaking out. What just happened? Oh, my God. Wait, I thought this neighborhood was too rich for that. Yeah, me too. I thought it was just like my neighborhood, Royal Heights. It would have been great if I just left, and then he came back like, what happened? Where'd Cross go? We don't know. It ate Cross. Wow, wow. All right, so we're back, and there was a brownout that was kind of spooky. What is that? What is that? What is that? More noises. What did David Cross bring into this room, dude? A bad episode of Paranormal. Oh, my God. What was that? Get the meter out. Sage, Sage, Sage. All right, okay. Get a couple yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahs going. We're going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen the yeah, yeah, yeahs? I love them. Yeah, they're great. I love that. I love that whole. How could you? I just gave you the opportunity to say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, I love them. Missed it completely. I love them. Because then we could have done like a who's on first. Oh, we could have done a bit. Well, I never took improv class. I'm not a groundlings guy. I never took improv class. You never took improv, UCB, or anything like that? Nope. Yeah, just straight stand up. Yep. Okay. Oh, wow. I mean, I did sketches. You did sketches. You know, back in Boston and Mr. Show and stuff. Oh, yeah. I love the yeah, yeah, yeahs. Excuse me? All right, let me. No, no, no. Set him up again. Let's cut it. Set him up again. Hold on, hold on. I don't want it. Okay? I don't want it. I missed the opportunity. I don't care. This is your podcast. You could cut this. I don't want to cut. Oh. I wanted to show the audience. You know what? I just realized. What? You want to go home. Eventually, yeah. But now, I think this is a. This is a great opportunity to tell everybody that my latest special, The End of the Beginning of the End. Yes. Is available now, early access on my website, officialdavidcross.com. But in about a month, it goes to the 800-pound gorilla distribution. Distribution. YouTube. So where can they see it? Right now, officialdavidcross.com. davidcross.com. Official. davidcross.com. Watch the special. The End of the Beginning of the End. The End in the Beginning of the End. The End of. The End of the Beginning. Of the End. Of the End. Just read it. Say it all together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I read it? Yeah. David Cross, The End of the Beginning of the End. Watch now. Yeah, watch. That's my new logo up there. What do you think? I like it a lot. Brand new. Brand new. Love it. Oh, I love that. We love it. We love that. Yeah. Are you excited to go no hat? Yeah. Yay! Yay! Fine. Yeah. I want that on a beer koozie. Yeah. Yeah, that would be cool, too. That looks good. On a t-shirt. Or like on my hip. Thong? Okay. Oh, on your hip? Yeah, yeah. Or maybe a tattoo across the chest. David Cross. On my hip. On my hip. Oh, for the gays, a jockstrap. Ooh. Oh, for the gays. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. And the faces where the penises. Yeah. The head of the penis? Yeah, yeah. That's good. And depending on how well. How well hung you are, the beard grows longer. Oh, it adjusts. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. The beard stays for us. Oh, the beard stays for you. Hat, no hat. For you. For you. There you go. There you go. Hat, no hat. Either way, circumcised. Yep. I. Shopify. Shopify. Shopify. Shopify. Shopify. Shopify. Shopify. Here at Tiger Belly. We use Shopify because we have a commerce, e-commerce business. Yep. We sell t-shirts online, man. 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So my daughter's school, they do a, they have swim lessons. There's a big, massive sports complex and take a bus there and the kids go and I volunteer occasionally to help the kids. This is third grade. You know, make them fucking shut the fuck up and get dressed. We got to go and, you know, for either four swing or out of it. Like, all these kids are there and there's like 10, 11, 12 boys and this guy comes in. He's swimming and it's, you know, it's got a couple lanes that are open to the public and whatever. And he's got a jock, like a banana hammock. Yeah. Like, not even a Speedo. No, this is like Brazilian. Okay, we love it. And he's got, like, leather pants. I mean, this guy was, like, such an L.A. type of, this is New York, but like, that frazzled, dyed blonde, long hair, like, rocker from the 90s. Like a Targaryen. What's that? Like Tarzan, but plays guitar? No. You know what a Targaryen is? Clearly. Game of Thrones? Game of Thrones. Oh, I haven't seen it. They have all white hair. This guy was, but also, like, acne and, like, I think. They're not Targaryen because they didn't have acne. No. Okay. This is, like, a lot of meth, I'm guessing. Oh, I see. And diluted, kind of rock. How old? He's probably, he's probably, he's trying to look, you know, like he's in his 20s, but I got to guess, like, mid 40s, late 40s. Oh, I see, I see. And one of those guys, and just, I was so uncomfortable because he's just in this fucking weird gay, like, like, 90s, like, like, a different era. Hardcore gay. Hardcore, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, with leather pants. Yeah. And, and the. You see why people are homophobic. I wasn't scared of him. It was just as tasteful. It was, it was, it was just these, these kids, like, these, you know, eight, nine-year-old boys, like, just literally right next to him. Because all the, the lockers are, like, on top of each other, and just, and at the whole time, I'm like, oh, God. Oh, please don't, please don't, please don't turn to your left. Please don't turn to your right. I don't know why, why we got on that. Yeah. Oh, the jockstrap. Yeah. The jockstrap, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. How many kids do you have? One. Oh, wow. Well, okay. How old? Wow. Wow. Wait, wait. Let me ask you something. Hold on, though. Hold on. Yes, Steven, yes. What? You don't, what? No, he's going to ask you something. No, but I'm the host. You're the host. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ask me something. Why wow? Why wow? What about that information? When you sit. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This guy. Are you not used to having a f***ing conversation? This guy, this guy, right? Usually people just let it go. Right? Not David Cross. But not David Cross, right? Why wow? So let's, let's, let's analyze it. Okay. Okay. So you had told a story. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And the last thing you said was, please don't turn around. Please don't turn around. Right? And I was processing it. Yeah. Right? And I thought, wow. Wait. I think. Let's see where this goes. You're making this up as you. No, I'm not making it up. I'm a slow talker. That's absolutely not true. You are a rapid talker. You talk so rapidly. Yeah, but when I'm being thoughtful and mindful, you know what I mean? And when I'm processing, I'm a slow talker. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And I, and I was analyzing the situation and the story, right? And I found it to be intriguing. And I said, wow. No, you asked me. That's not what happened. You said. You skipped a whole step. There's a whole step you skipped. What's the step that I skipped? You asked how many kids he has. And I said one. And you went, wow. Yeah. I think what can, can I, can I assert what happened? I think he asked the question and he was responding to the earlier thing. Like he's one step behind you. Right. Like he's, his mouth is one step ahead, but his brain is one step behind. Hold on. Hold on. So he's saying wow to. I got nervous. I got nervous. Can I say this is the best day of my life? Yeah. I'm enjoying this. No. Now I know why. now I know why I said wow okay okay and the reason why is because it's like you know whenever I hear a comic have children I say say wow because I don't have any children yeah specifically about many yeah oh wow I get that yeah yeah you it'd be like you yeah but it was like how many yeah wow this actually yeah this makes no sense it felt judgmental it doesn't make any sense it did feel judgmental yeah yeah as if you expected him to have a whole gaggle of children yeah you wanted him to be like right okay just to be fair yeah I I wasn't like trying to poke at you I was genuinely curious like what about me having one kid is it makes you go wow that's all don't tell no no don't tell don't tell me what I was thinking I thought at least three I was thinking that's what don't woman-splain to him don't Midwestern white woman-splain yeah yeah I thought that you had more than one I think that's what it was and then when you learned that I didn't have more than yeah I went wow wow there's a bit of inflection there it was like wow yeah there was a little bit inflection there so yeah yeah inflection was that coming from yeah you know I really do I really don't know let's get down to Brad do you think it's okay that he only has one child there we go it would be okay if you had five or none you don't care I don't care one way or another yeah I think I think you and I don't we all do it we all do it I think you were just kind of lazily mindlessly respond ah we all do it we all do it not why oh you know we all go oh cool you know and then you're like well is that cool I had a tuna fish sandwich um yeah yeah yeah well okay so don't do that all right um I think you're right I think you're absolutely right I just said it okay yeah yeah yeah to move on okay yeah I said I said it to move on had the opposite effect it had the opposite effect yeah and I apologize there's nothing to apologize for okay zero all right yeah one child that feels nice yeah I have one daughter did you ever think that you were gonna have any or no like I want yeah I wanted kids like early on I wasn't ready until recently but yeah I always I always knew I wanted kids hmm nine oh wow what happened what happened oh wow what does that mean is that bad is nine bad is it bad I just need to know if nine is good or bad I need to know which side I'm on I think he's just it's like programmed to him to say look I was looking over I need to know what's I was looking over here you were being sincere to the mic to the mic and said wow I just I just for some and said wow I just for some reason there's a couple of things the yeah yeah reason there's a couple of things the yeah yeah reason there's a couple of things the yeah yeah yes and the Wow are things that yes and the Wow are things that yes and the Wow are things that are things that I say right that I have to are things that I say right that I have to are things that I say right that I have to um it isn't it something that I say at um it isn't it something that I say at um it isn't it something that I say at you know it's like your confirmation of you know it's like your confirmation of you know it's like your confirmation of hearing something I think yeah it hearing something I think yeah it hearing something I think yeah it doesn't have any emotion there's - There's no emotion to it, right? - But him going, "Oh, wow!" - Are there replacement words that I could use? - None, zero. They don't exist in the English language. - There's no replacement for wow. - Of course there are. - Yeah. - Stupendous. - That's a little bit more specific. - It's a little bit, wait, stupendous is? - Yeah. - Yeah. - I've never heard that. - Golly, golly. - Golly. - Golly. - Golly's a golly. - Oh boy. - Where are you pulling these words from? - From the '50s. - From the '50s? - Yeah. - From the '40s, '50s, yeah. - You could say '23s. - From the Korean War. - What? - During the Korean War. - Is that what you said? - I mean, I guess the GIs. - Oh, the GIs would say golly a lot? - Yeah, golly. - Golly, I just killed a Korean? - Golly, she golly. - Golly, I just slaughtered a village. - Hey, some married the women and-- - Oh, right. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. - I'm sorry, I don't mind. - Golly sounds like it'd be a slur for some, like a slur they would come up in the war for some race. - Mmm, golly? Golly is a slur. - Yeah, but a bunch of golly. I was out there, man, I go down to Home Depot, I get there and there's just a bunch of goddamn gollies running around. - Ah, I see. - Trying to clean my windshield and whatnot. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Is there Mexican? - No, no, this is a different Home Depot. - Yeah, yeah. - It's a different, yeah. - It's in Alaska, it's in Juneau, right outside Juneau. - Where the gollies head you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - The golly community. - Yeah. - They're like, "Mong." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, you ever meet a mong? - Michigan, yeah. - You're like, "Where is that?" - Who are you? - Yeah, who are you? - Yeah. - They're big, too. - Yeah, yeah, big heads. - Big. - Mongs, that'd be golly, that'd be, let's, can we try it? - What? - Can this show, we can apply the word golly to mongs? - Oh. - It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a slang. - Yeah. - What's a mong, that's the most offensive thing I've ever heard. - That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. - That's crazy you said that, you're from the Midwest. - That's so racist, you're gonna be canceled for that. - I don't know what it is. - No, it's a very little known Asian. - Yeah. - It's not even a country anymore. - Community. - It's a community. - A group of people. - People, expat community. - Yeah, yeah. - Culture. - They're driven out. - Clint Eastwood made a movie. - Grand Venture? - Yeah, Grand Venture. - Get off my lawn. - Yeah, but he said bad, is it a slur? - I'm not gonna say that word. - The one. - No, no, mong is the name of the people. - But it's H-M-O-N-G. So when you see it. - It's a silent H. - Yeah. - It's not homong. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Homo? - No homo. - No homo, no homo. What are you doing? Is that your Midwestern comedy coming out? - The Altadena comedy? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You went from H-M-O-N-G to homo. - Wait, where's Altadena, is that? - It's gone now. - It's in heaven. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Altadena's in heaven now. - Well, that's how we know it from the fire. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, okay. - Yeah. - Sorry, I didn't mean that. - Where is Altadena? - Wow. - That's terrible. - Is it north from here or south? - North. - North. - Oh, north. - It's by, it's like Pasadena? - Yeah, right at Glendale above Pasadena. - The Dirty D. - How long did it take you to get an hour? I just shot my special a month ago. I'd never done one before. - Oh, really? - Yeah. - How was it? - It was fine. - Like the experience? - The experience was great. - Where'd you shoot it? - You know, and it was a really great experience, but I'm a really lazy writer, and it took me 30 years to come up with it. No, I'm not kidding you. It was like the best of the 30 years of me doing comedy, 'cause no one had ever asked me to do a special, right? So I was just like, I'll just keep doing standup, right? And then finally, you know, a company went, you know what I mean, would you like to do one? And I said, yeah, you know what I mean? So, and now when it comes out in November, I have to start over, which I've never started over. - November, why so? - I don't know. I don't know why, but yeah, but yeah. - Thanksgiving. - Well, Hulu, you know, the scheduling thing, and they only put out one a month, and I think Glacier has one, and a couple people have had one. - What's the name of it? - It's called Finally, because I've never done one before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and how long does it take you to create an hour, do you think? - I mean, so what I do is, and I just started, literally have done two shows in this process, and I've done it for the last four tours, four specials, four tours. So, I do this thing starting in Brooklyn, where I live, called Shootin' the Shit, Seein' What Sticks, and I go, do you know Union Hall in Brooklyn, anybody? Okay, so you guys, we'll be vocal about it. You can't tell at home that you're not in it that way. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, wow. - Can you say the line again, say the line again. - It's, so I do, so I go to Union Hall in Brooklyn. - Oh, Union Hall. - Do you know Union Hall? - Oh, I fucking love that place. - Yeah, great, great, it's great. And it's small, 99 seat in a basement, and I do like-- - They can't add a seat? - Just for roundness? - It's, yeah, it's-- - They stop at nine-- - One seat. - It's probably, I'm gonna guess a tax thing. - Oh, it's a tax thing. - I'm guessing, but that's a very good question. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, just one seat in the back, I don't know. - Yeah. - Yeah. No, it can't have three numbers, two numbers, that's it. - Oh, that's it, look at it, that's the room. - Yeah, it's great. - Great room. - Is it advertised, David Cross, or is it just like-- - They always have shows down there. - Okay, so-- - So there's an upstairs bar, that's the upstairs bar, and then they have this thing, it's been there for, I don't know, 10 years now? - Okay. - Longer. And it's great, it's great for what, and I'm sure you know, literally dozens, if not 100 people have done shows there. - Oh, I see. - And it's, so I go there and I do, and I think like yourself, I can't write, I can't sit down and write, it doesn't work that way. - Yeah. - All my stuff comes from on stage, so I go up with notes, and I record every set, and I go, you know, let's try this, is this funny, this thing happened, that's fucked up, you know, whatever, and you just sort of build, and you have ideas, definitely like, I wanna talk about this, and then, the first two shows always are tough, you know, but then slowly but surely, you start-- - But what, 'cause I wanna know as a comic, when it's, 'cause I have a problem with silence. - Oh, I don't at all, and I've said to people that I really admire, I think I said this to Steve, too, like, good comics, I like, do not-- - Steven Wright. - Steve Fury. - Oh, Steve Fury, okay, okay, okay. - Sorry, no, I wouldn't tell him. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. - Let me come over here. - Hey, take it from me, all right? Let me give you a little tip. - Steven Wright, Mort Sahl, come over here. - No, I think it's a real issue, I see it with a lot of comics, and they're, as you said, afraid of silence, and you should embrace the silence, you should use it, it's a tool, use it, do not be afraid of silence. Now, obviously not 10 second gaps, but-- - Yeah, yeah. - Silence is your friend, don't embrace it. - I'm getting triggered, I called you. - Yeah, you and I are the same in that way. - We are. - Yeah, we don't like it. - We don't like it, and-- - We wanna kill. - I understand, you can kill with silence, I understand. - You can kill with silence. - You can. - Oh, I did not know that. - I think you can. - You know, do you know Stuart Lee? - No. - A British comedian, genius. - Okay. - He's very soft-spoken, he uses silence. You know, to get attention to, not attention, but focus, and make the punchlines have even more gravity. And I've certainly used silence to, you know, make you anticipate in a way that you wouldn't if I didn't take two seconds. - Mm. - And I'm telling you, I've seen so many really good comics just plow through that stuff, and I can tell they're afraid of silence. Do not be afraid of silence. - That's me. I wish I talked to you before I filmed my YouTube special, 'cause I edited it myself, and I saw how much I do that, and I fucking hated it. - Okay, so lesson learned, you know. - What do you mean? What did you hate about it? - I hated that I didn't just let it breathe. - Yeah. - Because, like, what we talked about, like, I want to get in there and get the quantity of laughs so bad that I don't care about the quality of the laugh. - Yeah. - Right. - 'Cause so I'm getting four small laughs, whereas if I waited, I would've gotten one huge laugh. - Yeah. - And I wish I knew that before I filmed myself. - Well, you've got all this time to, you know, live and learn, and-- - No, seriously. - This is it for him, dude. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Are you done? - They said no. - Oh, you're not allowed to. - YouTube said no more. - Yeah. - Oh, YouTube said it was that bad. - They say you can do it, but don't ever post anything. - It was that bad, yeah. - Sure, sure, sure. - I see, yeah. - But, I mean, we're trained, we're like, I see people trained that way, like, it's like, you gotta go out there, especially club comics, too. You gotta go out there, you gotta fucking nail, you know. - Throttle them. - It's, and as you said it perfectly, it's quantity over quality. - It's exactly that. - Yeah. - And I think I, I don't have the, I am now getting the, 10 years in, and the confidence to be like, maybe, you know. - Just own it, own that stage. That's your stage, that's your time. - Yeah, yeah. - You're telling them, you're talking to them, you know, and everybody's on the ride together. Why can't we do that? Is it like an Asian thing? I think it has to do with trauma. I think it is trauma too. I think there's trauma. Because I'm like trying to, every time I go on stage, it's life or death. It's not just life or death. I want them to like me so much. Me too. Yeah. That's what I mean about, I think I'm going to die if you don't like me. The neediness of their affirmation is what I crave. It's like an addict. Right. It's like an addict, right? Yeah, that's how I feel. And I think that this is another good point that you made, is I think there is a difference between club comedy, right? And other sorts of, like people that are doing other kind of venues like Largo or whatnot. Theater. Or there. Or here. When you're following, you know what I mean, like in situations that I'm in, you know what I mean? Like, you know, the lineups are so stacked. And the audience is trained. The audience is trained to go like, I don't want to, you know, especially if everybody is doing, has the same approach, they're like, why is this guy, he hasn't said anything for two seconds. What is this guy doing? No one's thinking that. Yes. I don't, I forget that. I forget that. I forget that. Yeah, I forget that. But I think they might be thinking that. Because I think that our attention spans are so quick now that it's like, whenever I think. Oh, this has been a thing for a while, I think. You think so? Yeah, it's just, it's an approach to stand up. And I think it, you're both right. It comes from this place, especially when you're starting out. And, you know, it takes, years to really start finding your voice and feeling and getting it. And it's, you know, intuitive and innate. And it takes a while. And there's, there's that, that like, I got to get laughs. I got it. Or I'm not going to move forward in my career. You know, I need time and I got to show, you know, but, but you guys have all seen at some different, like open mic nights when you travel and stuff and you've been on the road and then that happens. And then there's a guy like Stephen Wright. Perfect example. Gets up, I mean that guy, talk about silence. Silence, yeah, yeah. You know, and there are lots of comics like that and it, it works. Mm. Mm. But I know why, I know where it comes from. I, I, I understand it. I'm just saying as, as a old, legendary stage of stand-up comedy, you know, it's, it's the number one thing I say to people when I see them doing that because I'm like, you are, what is that? That's you. No, who's on the left? Isn't that you? No. That's not you on the left. People haven't listened to you. Cool. Him's hair. I just told the boys earlier, I'm on him's hair and it's making my hair thicker. Ooh. I, I, I mean, I, I didn't want to share that but it, it is true and him offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments that works guys with ingredients that work including chews, oral medication, serums, and sprays. Doctor trusted ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months. Wow. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. I, I agree, Catherine. Yeah. 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What's this? That's a golly. Oh, that is. That's a golly. That's a golly for sure. That is the after the Benz. Oh, this is actually a good story. Is that you right there? Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, that's me in the robe. In the robe. Yep. Wow. There you are. There you are. Wow. That's got a. What, is that 93, 94? Wow. I like your. What is that part of the. Soul patch. Soul patch. I like that. Yeah. Believe it. Do you have any. A Greek in you? No. A Mediterranean? No. Because of my skin color? You look really tan. It's olive. Yeah, yeah, it's olive. Very olive. I have. And thankfully, my daughter got my skin and my wife is like alabaster, you know, but burns and doesn't tan. Yeah. Yeah. And like, she would have been super hot in the 1800s. Porcelain. Yeah. But I've got like. In all of these. I mean, this is. Whoa, that's a good tan. It's not a tan. I've been in. That's your regular? Yeah, it's regular. Wow. Oh, I get super tan. I get dark, dark, dark. Wow. I get dark where I could pass. Where do you hail from? As what? Rob Schneider. He could pass as Rob Schneider. So, Filipino? Yeah. Half Filipino. Half Filipino. Wait, he could cross as half Filipino? No, but if he gets tan, he can cross. Yeah, if he passes as Rob Schneider. Yeah. Without the politics. I've got different politics. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That was my headshot. I needed to. I was living in LA. That's probably 86. I was here for a summer. Wow. And I wanted to get. Tried to get stand-up work. And I. They were like, you have to have a headshot. And I had. No headshots. And I had no money. So, I went to the Sears down on Santa Monica. And I don't know if it's still there. It's probably gone. It was like fourth in Santa Monica. Somewhere like that. And they had this thing where you could. For baby pictures, you know, for like $18, you can get an 8x10 and some wallet size. So, I took a little bit of money and I went down to the. Because that was the picture I could afford. And that was my headshot for. Pull up the one that's mine from the La Jolla. Yeah, that's the same thing. That's the same thing for me. You know what's so funny, Bobby? What? I didn't go to Sears, but I remember like. Like Olin Mills or something? Yeah, there was like this mall and they had this like photography studio. And it was, you know, I had like 40 bucks back then in the 90s. That's it? 40 bucks is what it cost? Yeah, 40 bucks. And I got it. Yeah, that's a good. My thing was nothing. It was like, you know, baby photos. So it was like very cheap. Bro, headshots now are like 500, 400 bucks for the whole thing. Wait, I feel like the Gen Z boys are doing this hair now. This kind of like poofy, mulledy thing. You look so young. I mean, you really do. Yeah, yeah. I was 23 years old there. Wow. I'm 54. That was a long, long time ago. Damn. How old were you here? Are you holding a teddy bear in that? Yeah, I'm in a kid. You know, they have a little kid's background. Defending yourself? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that a baby? I'm probably 22. 22 now. Wow. Wow. Yeah. And did you think at that time, because you're struggling, right, that everything was going to work out or? Yes and no. I mean, I didn't have any like. I didn't think like, oh, it'll. Any day now, it's going to happen. And I had years, I mean, a decade plus where I was just. But I was also a fuck-up and I was drinking heavily, taking drugs and just not. I had no responsibilities except to myself. And I grew up poor, so it was like, okay, I'll sleep on a couch and eat, you know, you know, beans out of a can. It's not. I don't want to do that, but I can do it. Yeah, yeah. I know that. Yeah. You know, and. And I. I had fun. It was frustrating and it sucks having no money sometimes, but I laughed a lot and I had a lot of fun and I would, you know, hang out with my friends and do stand-up and then go see bands that were friends of mine and that was my life for a while. So it was. What bands? The Yeah Yeah. That was just pre-Yeah Yeah. But I. I had the feeling like, okay, I'm. I was never one of those people who's like, I'm going to give it three years and if it doesn't work, I'm going to go back to, you know, doing data processing or whatever. I was just going. I was in it. I was just going to do it. I understood early, like, a lot of it is luck, you know, and I thought I. Do you believe that? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, yes. I know really, really. Not to absolve people, but to absolve people, or myself, of irresponsibility and why, you know, could things have been better? Sure. Could things have been worse? Sure. And some of that was, you know, up to me. But luck is. I know some really unlucky people. Yeah. And they're very talented. Yeah. You know? And I think I've been lucky. Yeah, but I know some people that. And you clearly have been lucky. Very lucky. I know. No. Whoa. Yeah. I think not. Wow. Wow. Dependent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a slam. That was a slam. Yeah, yeah. I want to see if it hurt. It didn't hurt that bad. Yeah, yeah. It's a joke, guys. But sometimes. Let me have a can of water. Yeah, have a can of water. I'll have a sip. Yeah. But I believe, though, sometimes you. That's good water. Yeah. But sometimes you see somebody with a lot of talent, and you know why it didn't work out. Yeah. Through, you know what I mean, choices like drug abuse. Personality, yeah. Personality, and there are certain factors that go into it. Sure. You know, laziness or whatever it might be. Fear. I'm not gonna. I never get. Those are all legit. Those are all legit reasons, you know what I mean? I'm not gonna read because I never get it anyway. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had that time. And there's a bit of the, you know, what's the phrase when you're sabotaging yourself? Fear of success. Fear of success. I think that I've known people who I think, unfortunately, had an idea of like, you know, that's. I don't want to be a sellout, or I don't want to do that thing. There's a classic story of a comic who was quite popular in Boston at the time, the 80s, when the whole scene was booming. And he was, you know, a mainstay, legit guy. And he. This is the story, at least. He got an offer, or they wanted him, for the Tom Hanks character in Bosom Buddies. Wow. And he wouldn't do it because he didn't want to dress like a girl. And, you know, there's. Boston has that, you know, cult culture there, unfortunately. And there it is. There it is. And. That looks like your headshot. A little bit. Yeah, Bobby. Look at you. Well, the guys from Sears did that. Yeah. He moved up. He moved up. But. Cat, you know. Cat. Okay. What? Special gas. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to hear that. But he wouldn't do it. And that's a thing that, you know, because you thought people were going to make fun of you, you didn't do this thing, that, you know, it's just crazy. Yeah. People are calling it a humiliation ritual now. What? That, like, Cat Williams talks about it, like how. Like, black men are always getting to a point where they're like, okay, Hollywood has to put you in a dress and that becomes, like, a thing, a ritual to, like, get success in Hollywood. What do you. Is that, like, a thing that's just kind of like. I don't think that's a thing. I don't. Yeah, I mean, I think that there are some things where you're, I guess, black actors, there are probably a handful where they have dresses that aren't Tyler Perry, you know. But he's putting himself in that. Please let me play Madea. He wrote that. Didn't you write that? And produced and directed. He wrote himself in that situation. He's like, okay, Hollywood, I'll do it. All right, where's. Bye. Where's my billion dollars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my entire industry, you know? Yeah, I mean, that might be a thing for. But, I mean, how many. I mean, you've seen TV shows and movies. How many black actors are. Cross-dressing. I mean, how many? Joanna Mann? Okay, that's going. That's what, 20 years old? Yeah. So there's one example. Mayans Brothers. When I did Mad TV, they're like, you're playing Connie Chung, you're playing this, Lucy Liu, you're playing that. I'm like, I don't care. Well, men dressing up as women is just like a comedy thing that's been so long. Fucking Python. Monty Python. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Kids in the Hall. Yeah, and then after that, that guy probably didn't get any more offers. Is that what happened? Probably not, yeah. I don't know. This is a story that was like legend there. That's me and Keegan. It's Connie Chung, right? Yeah, and Keegan. Why is she interviewing Barack naked? Yeah, and there's Barack. Wait, was it Christmas episode? I don't even remember that. Same body, though. Look at the scallop. Scallop shape. Same body. I've never seen you look so happy in your life. You look hot. You look great. Yeah, I was pretty. You look great. Pretty hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. All right, we'll take it off. Please take it off, because I think I have to shoot more Ozempic or something. Shoot more Ozempic. Because that's not good. That's not a good body. Did that trigger you? Yeah, yeah. It wasn't that bad. It's not bad. It's not bad. Yeah. You've lost weight. Did I? A little bit, yeah. Oh, thanks. You've never said that. Are you on Ozempic? No. Have you lost weight? I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been working out. I have to take my clothes off. I have to take my clothes off in a movie. Oh, wow. That will motivate you. Okay. Yeah, and I'm scared. Yeah. I play like a gay best friend, so I'm like. Oh, I see. Yeah. And when do you shoot? 23rd. Of this month? Yeah. Yeah. It's a very low budget. Okay. You won't even hear about it. What? It's a school project. That's negative. It's an AFI student project. It's a PSA that's only going to. No, it's so cringe. It's so cringe to be like, oh, I'm shooting. I'm shooting a movie, but I am shooting something and I have to be naked, so I feel. Full wiener? No full wiener. No, thank God. But like in a Brazilian. A banana hammock. That's comedy. That's comedy. Especially when you have, you know. Children. Do you have lines? Oh, Bobby. Do you? You know I don't. You know I don't. You don't have any lines. You know I don't. Oh, are you just going to lay in a bed? No, I'm taking my shirt off. I know. I'm just hanging around. Yeah, yeah. But you have no lines. You have no lines. It's an industrial. I don't know. I don't. For Comcast. For Comcast. It's fine. I might be able to improvise. Who, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I looked up the director and her work. Yeah. Feels like it's improv. It's an in-house. It's an in-house video for Kroger employees. It's a vertical. Yeah, yeah. It's a vertical. You know how you're going to know. The day you show up, they're going to go, we're not going to put a lav on you. I'm like, are you sure? You don't. They don't want to. There's no improv. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, no, go ahead. We won't pick it up. No lav, no lav. So you're just getting naked for a movie. Well, sorry. Some of us have to work for less, okay? I'm not fighting with you about, you know. It's hard out there. I'm embarrassed. Yeah, it's hard out there. I feel embarrassed. Yeah, it's not the same like when we grew up, you know, where there was a lot of projects. I know. The audition and all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My nipples, I'm self-conscious about my nipples. What do you get paid? Don't be. What am I getting paid? I don't want to tell you that. We'll bleep it out. That's so sad. It is sad. Well, yeah, we'll bleep it out. We'll bleep it out. Free? We'll bleep it out. It's free, isn't it? Free. No, I'm getting paid. Oh, that's not bad. Oh, that's really good. And this economy is great. David, that's bad. That's good. I mean, if it's like a, it's just one scene. And you guys show up. He's like, it's a one-week shoot in Montana. This feels worse and worse. You have no lines. It's just one scene. It's not bad. Yeah. It's SAG. Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's good. It's SAG. It's SAG. It's SAG. Wrong union? Wrong union? Are they going to Taft-Hartley you? Oh, I remember Taft-Hartley. I must join. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I must join. You must join the union. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, most of this check is going to Union D. Did you read for it? Yeah. What was the audition? I danced for it. Did you dance for it? I danced for it. Okay? And yes, it was on Zoom. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you guys remember early, like, projects like this? Like, where you're kind of like, oh, shoot, I can't believe I'm doing this right now. Not that you're saying that you can't believe you're not doing it. Wow. I'm getting dragged at this point. I think I had more self-esteem back then. Yeah, yeah. That's why he holds through his silences. Yeah. This is an actor that pushes through his punchline. Yeah, but in the beginning, if they were like, okay, it's a Scorsese movie, right? And De Niro's playing a gay guy, and there's a scene with him. I'll suck it up. I'll suck his dick. Yeah. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, I'll pay you. That's not in the script, but. Yeah, yeah. I could see myself in that situation going, no lines, my shirt up. Yeah, fuck yeah. Scorsese movie, yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't Scorsese. Is this a Scorsese film? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's directed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, it's an indie. It's an indie. And, you know. Right. There's a script. And who even said you looked up the director's work? And they seem amenable to improv. So. I don't know. Okay. Let's just see what her work is like here. We're breaking down auditions. It sounds like a real estate agent. Yeah, she's a real estate agent from Compass. That, by the way, is a callback to his special for the Deep fans. Oh, my God. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I watched it. Oh, my Lord. That's really good. I didn't even catch that. So clip that. Oh, I didn't even catch that. Peter, redemption. Nice. That was real. I mean, that was legit. Everything I do. And all my specials really happen, but. It sounds like it. Yeah. It was. That was, like. That inspired me to write back to those. Yeah. Yeah. Do you make up stories ever? No. Ever? Never. Wow. I mean, well. That's the opposite. Stop it. I should say that I do. I make things up. No. This is my. This is my hang-up. It's my thing. And I'm. I'm a. I'm. I. I admit that it's a weird thing, but I don't. I don't like people who even exaggerate, and I will call you on an exaggeration. my wife i'm telling you it's annoying i know it i know it i got i think it's all psychological shit because of my dad yeah yeah uh who was just a pathological liar and uh yeah and and i can't i don't i don't when like my wife or any friends too would be like telling a story that i was a part of and they're like uh whatever the thing is like oh man it's it was like five miles away or it was and it was like literally it was 99 degrees or whatever the thing is i'll be like it wasn't five miles away it was like two and a half miles oh you know like that kind of thing or i'll go it wasn't 99 details matter to you i just my partner's exactly like i have a i'm exactly not an issue and my and i understand why people are annoyed at it i do i get it like who cares really but for some reason i just can't let it go and like that's not true you like to be exact yeah i just don't not exact i just don't i don't know why you're exaggerating the story is fine without you adding yeah but if somebody says yeah i saw lord of the rings it's a thousand hours long that you i mean david's like bobby no no two hours no i'm not that guy okay i'm not that guy i'm talking about when you're telling a story that i'm supposed to uh empathize with or sympathize with or it's it's like you're being dramatic about this thing and i know the story and it was a crazy thing that happened but you're there is literally no need to embellish embellish like that and and and or exaggerate like if it was yes it's hot it was hot it was not 99 degrees and you don't need you're not going to gain any more sympathy or if it's does it feel manipulative i i just don't understand why people do it and i don't and and like like i just don't get it and it bothers me it's just it's a pet peeve and i get why people are irritated but if but if a joke become can become stronger by lying why wouldn't you use it um i i there are times i've i've exaggerated but you know it you're not ever questioning it but this isn't like like the uh hassan minaj thing i don't make shit up oh that that oh that yes yes and i don't bleep this up thing oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's all ever yeah and i the but the stories that i tell like i'm thinking like the one about the you know the major one in this last special every single word every single thing happened um wow uh the i have a uh a story in a couple specials ago about walking down uh the street and they and a guy saying uh hi hitler that i i was like what is he saying or hi hi i thought so it's a whole bit yeah yeah where i'm i'm walking down the street it was late at night it was um remember uh ucb used to have that room there and i was great yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wow wow wow wow great i was leaving there and i was walking back to the subway and this guy is coming down on the opposite side of the street and he's like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and he's uh by himself and he's like yeah fucking you know whatever and he he's dressed like a businessman right he's not immediately visually crazy right uh which there are plenty of those guys and he's like uh you know it's fucking bullshit i'm like you know and i can't tell if he's on a phone and what's going on he's got nothing he's got like a uh i think a computer in his hand or something and he's going uh yeah it's fucking it's fucking bullshit yeah i mean hi hitler hi hitler and uh and i'm i'm listening and i kind of catch it yeah and uh and i slow down and i'm like i start following him where he can't see me but i'm like because i was like is he saying hi hitler and yeah he's going on and he's like yeah okay great yeah okay hi hitler hi hitler and then and then uh and then i do this whole bit about how so one of two things happened either yeah he doesn't realize that the phrase is heil or yeah yeah actually thinks he saw hitler during this conversation anyway it's a whole bit yeah but that is a real thing that happened that real thing that's an easy thing to make up right i thought of that in a different context and i've never done that ever wow and if if something's clearly made up you know it you it's i just don't lie or and it's a oh my god what are you thinking right now bobby what am i thinking right now why are you because i i'm just thinking about my special and how many made up lies and every story on this podcast and every story that i've ever told on this podcast right so it's like you know i'm really doing a self reflection here you know because i i feel like it has to be embellished or made up for people to be you know engaged in it you know i mean well i don't necessarily think that's true i think there's another way to find the in the thing that that i mean unless you're making something up out of whole cloth no it starts from truth like you're getting the truth molested by a guy with down syndrome yeah oh my god why do you have to make anything up there are pieces that are embellished yeah yeah and is it embellished to allow uh sorry to cut you off no no i want to hear for allow sometimes i make things down because like it's too traumatic like what we were talking about before with the chef stuff like so that i can set up for the audience better for this payoff to make it more like um palatable palatable so they're not worrying about me yeah when i'm telling like a crazy story like that yeah no for me it's like um i'm i think it goes back to the stand-up where it's like i'm just so needy right that i just i'm constantly aware that people are listening and and i feel like i have to over perform or you know i mean get keep people engaged in a certain way so i i lie i lie i'm a liar i'm a liar i just i'm a liar yeah yeah yeah and i'm a fraud well ironically i appreciate your honesty i really am i you know but bobby what uh what about this because when you say that uh you have a problem with that you have a problem with that you have a problem with that you have a bit about that's true about being molested by uh somebody with down syndrome that i i see i'm not trying to be funny that yeah yeah feels like oh my god there's so much material to mine there why what happens i don't know what you added i don't know the bit but uh that's not really in a bit that i do i just said it on the on the pod but it's like um they're just what's it what was the question well i was just wondering why because it's so uh ripe for uh you go any direction any direction yeah like why did you make up a lie when there's so because there are gray areas that i don't know because in that particular situation right it i remember bits and pieces of it and i fill in the gray areas with make believe okay i think that's okay that's not as yeah regis is just yeah and do we know as an audience do we know you're making the i think people listening don't know right but sometimes i will fill in gray areas with things because are you saying maybe or you know no no seriously yeah it's if because if you simply added like you know and i don't know maybe something and then did the the the lie wouldn't that still everybody would be with you and it wouldn't feel like you're lying yeah well i'll give you an example of of the when i told the story right like for instance i said that he wrote a zamboni yeah he has a lot of details leave it in i don't care if it's a liar leave that in there was no zamboni because it's white lies it's white lies yeah it only yeah yeah yeah yeah so he didn't he didn't he wasn't a cleaner he wasn't you know what a zamboni just wrote it you know what a zamboni yeah it's like the ice clean yeah it's an ice cleaner that was just like big motivation yeah i'm gonna get you i mean if i heard that i'd go oh he's that's exactly yeah exactly no but he did oh he didn't write it yeah he did write a zamboni oh oh yeah no but so here's the i thought that was the lie no that wasn't the lie oh wow no no no even more why do you feel the need to lie you've got a guy with down syndrome riding a zamboni who's going to molest you and you gotta make something up yes yes i think i do yeah yeah yeah i don't so um the lies are this is that like i remember there being like the it was like a brown building where the zamboni was and during the summers he lived there and it was this is in minnesota so there's no snow or ice obviously right and during so in my mind right i make believe that he's the one i've said that he's the one during the winters riding the zamboni right when he could have just been there sleep just during the summers you know i mean just kind of taking care of the ground that's what i'm saying you're connecting i connect things i make assumptions that may be lying that's not lying that's not lying i don't think so i'm not a fraud i'm not a liar yeah i think if you yeah if you know something to not be true and then say it's true and that kind of thing is like a little white lie but also white lies are fine well depending on the context the context i'd say yeah you yeah you didn't go and and you know hire a private eye to find out hey i'm doing this bit uh can you go down and then and see if he really does ride a zamboni yeah fine yeah yeah but i have done this i'm talking about people who or comics who are like um have a whole bit that is predicated on something that never happened i was flying in this then this guy people are so entitled to flying and this person sat down next to me and they said this thing and then uh somebody took a shit in the bathroom you know whatever the thing is like that's just what are you doing oh i think it's so difficult to do that though to like come up with all those things and then you know you're like oh i'm not a fraud how do you keep up with it like how do you do that i don't know what do you mean i just like i've tried to lie like i once had a bit about how my cousin was a professional tap dancer from oklahoma city college but so unbelievable i know that i just tried to come up with all these like bits about it but it was so hard to do yeah but you have a cousin who legitimately does that and then you were trying to think of things no he didn't he's just gay so just you have enough you have so much to work with why don't you make that up you guys don't have to bring more genius enough just gay wait he so he's not a tap dancer at oklahoma whatever community college shows a gay profession go with that yeah why don't you just go with that you're like they won't believe it not in oklahoma he also rides his ambodi so yeah the guy i don't i don't know but i bet you yeah yeah i bet you you and i would challenge you yeah that you could tell the same story get the same jokes get the same laughs without making it seem like this thing happened that didn't happen oh i i guarantee it okay yeah i or i'll give you your money back okay i see what you're saying it's just in like wording like maybe or you know i mean yeah hypothetically no one's gonna care no one's gonna they will care if they find out you're making up all your shit you know will do they yeah i think i think some people would yeah some people will care yeah um okay that's a good point right point uh well i feel like lying to gain sympathy for people you know i mean is what you know i mean the problem is deceitful yeah deceitful you know i mean or to yeah to to make your point and to you know uh thread this idea through your hour you know that so that you come back around to that thing that i said earlier 10 you know the first 10 minutes like now you're thinking of it different way aren't you yeah and people you know and then you find out that that person made this whole story up and you're like oh fuck you that's for the callback yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah to drive their point home yeah that's like that was a comic like hamburger but he said caesar salad don't lie to me mass media sees the salad it's interesting because back when when you start curly fries curly sweet potato fries because i back then there was i don't know when you started was there a thing where people were you gotta get a hook oh yeah no you never got that back in the day in the comedy store days they're like you gotta get a hook really did you try any hooks well yeah you wear different outfits no oh fuck that yeah yeah yeah what did mitzi make that one guy wear like oh there's this old story about i got i got jackie graham yeah and he auditioned for mitzi probably in the early 80s and he gets off stage and she says you're great he's like oh thank you and she goes your new name is jackie banana no and she's like oh thank you and she goes your new name is jackie banana and he goes okay and you have to wear a yellow suit oh my so you know like that kind of thing back then i there were a couple different things where people uh gave me shit for not dressing nicer like i would wear this basically yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh and no no no no what is going on no stop it push pause what is going on here dude isn't it hot this is you're doing tv oh my god this is the first tv like cat show stand-up i did i did a couple on the roads and yeah evening at the rob's but did you choose that outfit i love it yes is it a heart he's an edgy comic i don't i don't know what i was thinking yeah it's terrible yeah conan o'brien 94 94 conan o'brien wow this really yeah and you bought that sweater yeah that's not for you it's not a stylist borrowed and look how long the sleeves are yeah yeah look it's like hanging off oh god yeah it's cool guy yeah yeah i don't care probably at the time they were like oh that's cool that's cool in the 90s yeah yeah i mean yeah i guess but yeah i mean all right enough you can okay yeah yeah turn it off yeah um i like your earring too oh thank you yeah wow my daughter my daughter yeah back then were you because i remember um you know when i would be young and have no money and you get a tv spot right the nervousness of it oh yeah oh my god i used to pace pace yeah and you know like premium blend back then they used to do like you know 12 shows a night and they're like bobby you're on the last show that was mine last show new york one no i did the la one okay yeah yeah last show right they already did 12 same audience and you're the last comic of the last show oh my it was fucking brutal brutal 12 shows or 12 comics yeah like they shot all day long you know because it you know it was it was like you know we shoot these in three days and we got to get this many episodes out you know what's like six minutes five minutes five yeah but still it was like it i bombed so hard oh my it was so yeah that's not fair it's not fair yeah yeah but i used to get like tonight show i was no you know i had no future everything's relying on this set in my mind you build it up right so it's just this nervousness that you've never really felt before it's like do or die hit the ball or you're done yeah but you do so well in those situations haven't you said that before like whatever i said private depression what lie did i say yeah yeah i might have been lying yeah yeah what is it what is the lie that i said you perform under pressure yeah yeah yeah because you're talking about how some comedians are talented but don't rise to the occasion you are always someone that could rise to the occasion yeah i'm i've always been able to hit the ball when needed yeah you know and i think that um that's i think i don't think that is a lie i think that is it did they do you know if they sweetened it when you did you see it back yeah no yeah they did at last yeah yeah did you know they were going to do that or that i did not know right right and i learned a valuable lesson that night where it's like pretend you're killing yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but i think when i was watching it i i could true like god i'm done yeah yeah but i remember watching it right going oh i wish i because i could see it in my eyes yeah shake and it's probably something that other people couldn't read but i could see him yeah my eyes were like yeah like that you know what i mean but i was still trying to smile you know what i mean you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so you know yeah you learn to pretend that you're doing well right because sometimes man it can be brutal i did a uh early early on uh i think it was like my third tv thing i'd done an evening at the improv and a comedy on the road with john beiner in san diego and then i got an offer to do excuse me an ad for open water that's good you want more to do uh comedy on the road in london and i'd never been abroad and i was so excited to do it and uh and it was uh it was shot at the comedy store whatever is in um yeah yeah piccadilly circus or leicester square one of those and um it was uh afternoon my god yes so it was uh it was like three o'clock in the afternoon yeah it was like three o'clock in the afternoon and i was like and uh poorly run poorly produced with too much downtime and and resetting and stuff and it was just everything that you could ask for to make a set suck it's warm in there yeah and uh and it was uh and i i had one of those uh you know the the old school before phones the london maps kind of like a thomas guide but it was like a it's a london a to z london whatever and you have these things in it because london is crazy complicated and uh so i had this map in my pocket, uh, just from walking over there to the, to the place. And I told this, this joke that you like, there's no punchline until the end and you gotta be with me for about a minute, minute and a half. And, and then you get to the, yeah, yeah. And, and I'm doing the thing and I, and I do this whole fucking setup and I get to the punchline, which kills in other places. Right. And it, and it's worth it. Yeah. And I get to it and it wasn't also, it wasn't like a cultural thing. They didn't, they just were sitting there and nothing, nothing, zero, not even nothing. Yeah. And then I, I, uh, I pulled out the map and I went, and this is like spur, I just, you know, uh, spur of the moment. I thought of it and I pulled out the map and I go and I read back my direction to the club, you know, yeah. Efficiency flat. I was staying in like this, the Lester's right at Berwick and a left at Warburton. And there's, I did this for a while. It's like, uh, and then to the commissary, Nope, that joke should have worked. Just nothing. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Actually, if you want to try to put some, try a comedy on the road with John Biner, London, this would have been 90 94, 90 ish, 93, maybe, uh, brutal, brutal. Yeah. See if that's available. I don't even know if it's on the internet. Have you been back to London to do comedy since then? Oh yeah. I lived there for, I did a couple of shows there and, uh, and I, I do, uh, uh, I have great shows and, and actually all of the UK's is really good. Um, uh, I played it for the first time last year. It's great. It was great. I love it. And, uh, um, I was on tour last year, uh, doing the European leg and I had, I booked or, uh, cleared a week around my London date and had my family came over and, uh, cause I wanted my daughter to, cause I have dual citizen, ship to, uh, to the UK. Do you do two to UK? Yeah. Wow. Uh, and Korea or no, no, I mean, they hate me. I'm fucked. Yeah. We're fucked. Yeah. But I, I mean, I, I can, if the shit gets really, really bad here, I can, you know, and I can work in London. I, I've worked before and, um, and my wife loves it and you know, we, she was on this, I did a couple of shows there, but she was on one of them. Uh, and we have friends there and, and I can do, you know, stand up easily, but you usually do well there. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Dude, that was one time. Yeah. No, no, no. I, I mean, also it's look, I mean, I'm not going like these dumb motherfuckers. Like if you don't like the joke, you're not going to like the joke and you're not going to like me. I'm not, that's what, and it's what, five minutes, six, seven minutes tops. Yeah. And so you weren't after the show, you weren't devastated. I mean, I wasn't psyched. I see. Yeah. But I, no, I, I, I mean, I never get too high or too low ever. Wow. What's that like? What's that like? What the fuck? What is going on? What are you taking? It's pretty, it's pretty awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Are you Alexa pro? Yeah. Yeah. Well, butchering. I, I mean, I really, that's, that's a conscious effort also to not get too high and too low. Wow. To keep, uh, um, to keep grounded and to not be a dick and, and also to not get too bummed out so that it affects me and my ability to work and just bounce back and, and like, okay, whatever, let's figure something out. Do you have a lot of like, just kind of self contained self-worth? I mean, I don't have it on me. Uh, back in New York I have, I mean, in my office somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. I got to find some, it feels. Yeah. Well, don't take mine. It's in New York. Yeah. Wow. So, um, do you have fun here or no? Uh, on the pod. Oh, fuck yeah. This is great. This was a treat. You know, I'm doing, I'm out here doing a bunch of press. I'm here for one week. You know, I, I flew in Sunday night. I'm leaving tomorrow, 8am flight back home. And you know, you, you, there's a lot of stuff. Nothing is bad, but they're all kind of different flavors. And, uh, um, and this is a great way to end. This is my last thing. Oh, cool, man. It was fucking awesome. And, and, and I, yeah, I had a lot. I left more in the last, you know, hour and a half, two hours, whatever it is. I've left more than probably have in the last week. Oh, that's wow. Yeah. Wow. I love you guys. So check out David Cross's, um, special. It's called trailer. There's a trailer there. Check it out on and on his website. Watch it now. Wow. Did you produce it? Produce that yourself? Yeah. Oh no, no. It's a, it's co-produced. It's co-produced. Uh, YMH. Okay. Wow. That's amazing. So why did you pick that hat? Uh, I, because I'm from Atlanta and I, it's at the 40 watt. It's Alpharetta. Roswell. Holy shit. Really? That's crazy. But now when I was a kid, uh, both Roswell and Alpharetta, Roswell actually looked down on Alpharetta. Yeah. And Roswell was, not anymore. Roswell was, uh, rural suburban. Yeah. And Roswell was, uh, rural suburban. Yeah. Uh, and it was, Atlanta was not connected all the way like it is now. Big sprawling, you know, LA-ified. But, um, but Alpharetta, which was across the river. Country. Uh, um, super country. Uh, when I was growing up. So like what little kind of, you know, when people, it's just classic human, like, well, we may be in Roswell, but at least we're not in Alpharetta with those rednecks. Literally just across the river. That's where they separated. And if you were going past Holcomb Bridge Road, it's like fucking redneck. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. But where we were was also that. Like the high school hangout was a McDonald's. There was nothing around, but they had, they had the audacity to make fun of Alpharetta. But yeah. Yeah. Give David a round of applause, everybody. And then, uh, Peter, do you have a special? Yeah, Peter, you have a special. What is it called? It's called Rice Piglet. Yeah. Why'd you say not Bobby Lee there? Cause I, that's the number one comment I get on YouTube is what happened to Bobby Lee? Dude, you look so, so much older with your hair back. Older? Roasted. You got roasted by David Cross. No, no, no, no, no. That is not a negative comment at all. That is not negative or positive. It's just an observation. Check out my special. I look really old. I didn't say that. I did not say that. I said you look older. A little older. A little older. Yeah. You do look a little older. Hair down makes me feel young. Wait, is that Littlefield? No, this is Brooklyn Comedy Collective. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. BCC. Well, you're, you look like you're doing work here. You're like, my hair's up. I'm doing work. I, yeah, I get hot on stage, so. Yeah. How many did you shoot? Just one, which was the issue. It was an issue. Oh, okay. Yeah. Just one. How many do you shoot when you do yours? Two. Two, yeah. Yeah. I did four, and that was a mistake. Yeah, you don't need four. Whoa, wait. Two's, two's good. Wait, why a mistake? You burned out? No, I just, I got it in the one. Yeah. You got it at the first one. Yeah, after the first. But then you got the first and the last, which is good. The last one was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. The fourth one was great, but, which was the template of, you know what I mean? You're, you're most likely, because it's your audience going to see you, you're gonna, you're gonna do really well. You're gonna nail it. Do a second in case you do forget one little thing. Or just, there's a technical fuck up, but you don't need to do more than two. Well, from now on, I think two. Yeah. Yeah, two or three, but anyway. David. Two or two or three. You brought it back up. Yeah. I'd go four minimum. We'll try six. Start at four. Two or three. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, that was a pleasure. Thank you so much. ♪ ♪