David Cross | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Or, you could order some crispy all-white meat nuggets on their own. Pretty sure you love those anytime. Every time. Okay, all of the times. The Crispy Chicken Crunchwrap Slider. A brand new classic is back. Only at Taco Bell. At participating U.S. Taco Bell locations for a limited time and while supplies last. Breaking news, our merch just got a full revamp with all new designs and items. So if you want a little more random in your life, head over to clubrandom.com and check out the store. We've got premium hoodies, including our brand new quad hoodies with the updated logo. Super soft t-shirts, super soft for men and women and even tie-dye shirts. All merch is available exclusively at clubrandom.com. While you're there, catch up on recent episodes and grab some swag and bring a little random home. Once again, that's clubrandom.com. You know, now on Bringing Up Chunky. Could you tell me the logline for Bringing Up Chunky? I'm curious. A snob? I didn't, I did not see it for a reason. I just didn't see it. I'm personally offended that you didn't see it. David. Hey, I let myself in and I started without you. I hope that's okay. How are you, man? How are you? Good. I rushed here. I couldn't bear to keep you waiting, but. How are you Adam? I literally was just. You didn't jog here from your. No, no, no, no, but I ran from my house. Please take a seat. And I almost never do this on a Friday, but I would not miss the opportunity. I haven't seen you in. How long has it been? I mean. I mean, gotta be at least a decade that something. No, no. Like I say, last year. No. I. No, I. Oh, gosh. It was pre-COVID, that's for sure. I did the show. I was out here. Okay, but that's a long time. My father-in-law was very excited to meet you. You got high with my father-in-law. Where was this, at real time? Yeah, it was afterwards. Also, there was like a. You did real time? Yeah. Right. And then we went out, my father-in-law is a huge fan. Of mine, so he came along. And I will. How do you get along with your father-in-law? Oh, really great. I mean, he's a legend, you know? He is? It's Russ Tamblyn. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's just. Right. His stories are insane and. Like what? I mean, well, like the stories mostly of in a kind of Forrest Gump-y way. Like, you know, I was hanging out and then I gave Charlie Manson a hitchhiking. And then when I was. And then I had to go into the army and they had me teach Elvis Presley. I mean, just these crazy stories and. Yeah, I know people like that. That's funny. We're getting to that age. Yeah. Where you realize. At a certain age, like, it's amazing the things you haven't done. Are you talking about me specifically? No, no, no. Just in general, like, almost anything somebody can name. Yeah, that happened to me. You know, like, you live long enough and you'll do everything. Yeah. And meet a lot of people. I mean, I already could, like, I mean, probably list 50 people who have been guests on either Politically Incorrect or Realtime. Realtime who are now dead. Yeah, I'm not bragging. And I didn't kill them. No, but I'm just saying as a marker. You're saying there's a connection there. I'm saying as a marker of time passing. Right, right. You know, I do remember when the first guest, we used to have a list of all the guests. Wouldn't it be great if I died right now? I just had a massive. Well, Dave, great for me, yes. In fact, the publicity, you not so much. You look like you're having a good life, so we don't want to cut that short. Yeah. No, no, I'm. I mean, you're wearing shorts, which. It's fucking, you know, 100, whatever, 89 degrees out there, whatever. I mean, it could be 900 degrees. I wouldn't wear shorts, like, at night to an interview. But that's me. That is you. You're a different cat. I mean, I admire it in a way. It's like I don't have that kind of confidence, I guess. You wouldn't want me to be uncomfortable. No, I love it for you. We're all different. Also, I. I have to ask, because I, you know, was wandering around. Yes. That is real? That's crazy. Pre-9-11, sure. A guy with a towel on his head. Right. Jumping. Into the World Trade Center. Well, World Trade Center as a sandcastle for people who are listening. Oh, yes. World Trade, they're at the beach. As a kid. And a kid, but he's got a towel wrapped around his head that makes him look like Yasser Arafat. And he's got sunglasses. Sunglasses, and he's got a shovel in his hand. And he's jumping forthrightly into the Twin Towers as a sandcastle. So, it's a New York recovery. You're from July 26, 1993. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty wild. I mean, liberals should never get full of themselves, because you don't have to go that far back to find out when they were just. Absolutely not liberal. I did a whole thing on when Brando won the Oscar, and he sent up the Indian girl. And most of Hollywood went apeshit about it. They didn't. You know, like, of course, John Wayne had to be literally restrained from punching her. But they booed, and it was just, you know, different. What do you mean? We live in. You know, I also did a bit once about, like, you don't have to go. You don't have to go that far back to find movies, you know, in this century that are made by the most liberal people, and it's just all white people, in a way they would never do today. Right. Well, that's called progression and evolution. Yeah, well, sure. I mean, and sometimes they take it too far and go over the top with wokeness. But, yes, absolutely, progress, and nothing progressives hate more than admitting progress. Well, what do you mean? Well, when you admit progress, you admit that. That there's not still work to be done. I mean, they. Well, those two things are mutually exclusive. You can make progress and still say, although hopefully not in a dickish way, that there's more work to be done. Absolutely. That is the correct, in my view, that is exactly my opinion, my view. Right. That's not how they see it. They see it as, here's an opportunity for some people to come in second in a. I hate racism the most contest. It's not going to be me. Well, I think. It's a lot about, sometimes, a lot about their feelings more than the issue itself and how it makes them feel. Oh, for sure. Okay, good. For sure. But I think they're the. What I've experienced when I run up against people like that is. The thing that they. All share is kind of a lack of humor, sense of humor. Right. They're. I'm glad they're serious, and I'm glad they're doing something that is helpful. But, you know, and we share this personality trait. You make a snarky comment that's funny and pointed, and they don't think it's funny. They don't. And they're all. They're also like, hey, you know, that's not cool. They're a parody of themselves. They're an eye roll. They're a cliche. Because, yes, are some things literally not funny? Yes. But we draw the line at a very different place than they do. And also, we draw the line at a very different place than we used to. Because we certainly used to be able to. And again, liberal people have done blackface. liberal people have. thing and they nobody cared at the time and it wasn't meant it was always meant as a way to point about the evil of racism it wasn't supporting it but it changed but then things changed and they decided no you can't even do it in support of the idea and okay i'm fine with that i i shouldn't like get to vote on what it is but uh it is a big change and again liberal people you don't have to go far that far back when we were all acting differently and my thing is just like if you did something that was like 20 years later they go oh my god how dare you but at the time no one else gave a shit you know you did the sketch you did whatever and there was no comment then you have to cancel everybody from 20 years ago because everybody just let it happen well it's it's interesting you say that because uh you know you know i have the i have a real um issue with the idea of uh cancel cult the idea that um that cancel culture has i think it's accorded more power than it really has and i think it's uh um and i say this as someone who literally because you know what you just mentioned literally did a sketch on the rebooted mr show with bob and david for netflix oh i loved it uh thanks so that's how you guys did a do you do you know do you know they took so we did a sketch uh where i my character gets in blackface and it's a it's it was based on inspired by those um all those videos people started making of like uh you know we're uh i'm a sovereign citizen and i'm gonna test you on this i'm a sovereign citizen and i'm gonna test you on this this thing out with the police and they would go this thing out with the police and they would go this thing out with the police and they would go film themselves and you know hassle a cop or film themselves and you know hassle a cop or film themselves and you know hassle a cop or do something stupid and black like me the book do something stupid and black like me the book do something stupid and black like me the book uh the famous book black like me it was a famous uh the famous book black like me it was a famous uh the famous book black like me it was a famous book in 1959 was that baldwin no no it was a guy book in 1959 was that baldwin no no it was a guy book in 1959 was that baldwin no no it was a guy who um oh i know what you're talking about who um oh i know what you're talking about who um oh i know what you're talking about i haven't read it he wanted to see what then i haven't read it he wanted to see what then i haven't read it he wanted to see what then this is pre-civil rights error like when it this is pre-civil rights error like when it this is pre-civil rights error like when it was just sort of starting to bubble up was just sort of starting to bubble up was just sort of starting to bubble up you know he said i want to see what it's you know he said i want to see what it's you know he said i want to see what it's like and show people what it's like to walk like and show people what it's like to walk like and show people what it's like to walk through the world yeah with dark skin through the world yeah with dark skin through the world yeah with dark skin in america in 1959 in america in 1959 in america in 1959 you couldn't do it today but it you couldn't do it today but it you couldn't do it today but it certainly was certainly was certainly was you know again i don't know if they're you know again i don't know if they're you know again i don't know if they're sometimes their their own worst enemy sometimes their their own worst enemy sometimes their their own worst enemy it's such a brilliant way it's such a brilliant way it's such a brilliant way to an unnecessary way to open people's to an unnecessary way to open people's to an unnecessary way to open people's eyes eyes eyes toward what we are trying to achieve toward what we are trying to achieve toward what we are trying to achieve well i think that awareness that example well i think that awareness that example well i think that awareness that example but but to go back to what i'm saying but but to go back to what i'm saying but but to go back to what i'm saying uh and you don't need to but uh and you don't need to but uh and you don't need to but yeah uh yeah uh yeah uh so in the sketch i play this idiot so in the sketch i play this idiot so in the sketch i play this idiot character who's trying to character who's trying to character who's trying to called know your rights and he's one of called know your rights and he's one of called know your rights and he's one of these guys like okay so they you know these guys like okay so they you know these guys like okay so they you know put up a sign that says you can't do put up a sign that says you can't do put up a sign that says you can't do this but i'm a sovereign citizen and i this but i'm a sovereign citizen and i this but i'm a sovereign citizen and i have every right and i'm going to show have every right and i'm going to show have every right and i'm going to show you your rights whatever and he goes you your rights whatever and he goes you your rights whatever and he goes and uh keegan michael key plays a cop and uh keegan michael key plays a cop and uh keegan michael key plays a cop and i and i'm trying to get him to and i and i'm trying to get him to and i and i'm trying to get him to arrest me or whatever and everything i arrest me or whatever and everything i arrest me or whatever and everything i do he's just like that's cool just you do he's just like that's cool just you You know, take time and, you know, look out and do better next time and we'll see, you know. And I keep upping the bar. So then I put I put blackface on, you know, drive around and and then and I'm the idiot. The character is the idiot for doing this. And then he's still pretty cool. But then Jay Johnson, playing a white cop, comes out and just pepper sprays me and beats the shit out of me. And the point is made in several ways. Netflix didn't just take that sketch out. They took the entire episode off the air. And that's that's that's being canceled. Yeah, that is canceled. Literally. I mean, people sometimes want to say cancel. People aren't canceled because they're still doing this. There are different gradations of it. There's soft canceling. I would say I've had some of that happen to me. Like what? Soft canceling would be like we will never give you an Emmy, even though plainly I deserve them. No, Bill. No? You don't think I've ever? You don't think my show is? I don't know what the what the categories of the context or any of that. You don't watch that shit? I don't. I really don't. And I don't. I haven't watched an award show in fucking forever. And they're all bullshit political garbage anyway. And it's not fully. I'm just saying there are gradations of ways you can soft cancel or hard cancel is like, well, you may never show your face in this town again. We will never. And usually that's, you know, for good reason. I mean, there's a good reason that, you know, a lot of the original wave of me to God. I mean, you know, I'm a big fan of the old guys. Matt Lauer sounds like he was a pig. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, like the Charlie Rose. You'll never see these people, you know, out to dinner. Even you can't go to a restaurant when you're that canceled. But, yeah, there's different. Some people like Louis C.K. can certainly play anywhere in the world and sell out big stadium theaters, whatever auditoriums for his stand up fans. But much harder to, like, get a studio to, like, do a movie, you know, that's a kind of cancellation. Woody Allen, they work with him anymore, even though I think that's a bogus charge. I don't know. I think we I just think we need a new term that's more that's not so. Definitive, you know, I mean, but for you to say there's soft canceling and hard canceling to me, that means we need some some new language for it. Hit me. Go ahead. Give me a minute. I'll text you when I'm. Fuck you up versus fuck you up badly. I mean, I don't know. When I'm on the plane. Do you remember the Mitch? Speaking of this general subject, do you remember the Mr. Show sketch? This is probably the first iteration of it where it was like they were about slavers and the line was, oh, people selling people. Oh, yes. To people. Right. Yeah. Most devastatingly funny line. And again, I don't even know if. Trust me, there are people in this world who will certainly find something about that to object to. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, these that's what I'm that's going back to the idea that, you know, people who don't really know me that well, you know, little bits and pieces of my work here and there assume that I'm super. Lefty political comic and I'm not I'm not a political comic, I'm a comic who talks about politics, you know, in part of a much bigger thing. But I can't tell you how many times in, you know, as I was coming up doing stuff in Boston, you know, Cambridge, San Francisco, I would get booed and hissed for, you know, the joke that and it's it's. Well, you did gay Jesus. Something like that is always going to. Yeah. Yeah. Certain number of people do not want to hear Jesus talking like. Yeah. On both sides. Both. You know. Absolutely. Part of the spectrum. Jesus fan. Yeah. And and people who think that you are somehow denigrating gay people by doing that, you know, and no, I would get hisses and boos like, you know, at progressive, you know, cities and places. I mean, you're doing something right. Yeah. No, I don't I don't I didn't go off crying. I was I'm just saying, like, right, it's not so cut and dry, you know, and I find that there's the the the thread through all that is people who. Their sense of humor gets blocked by emotion, you know, and. Correct. And then it's it's it's a bummer, you know, and there's someone from the south. I mean, where are you more comfortable? I mean, I know that the cliche would be, well, in the south, they're going to be a bunch of rednecks. Yeah. But in the south, they're also going to be like more like ready to laugh. Oh, I have some of my best shows in the south. I mean, as opposed to places where I mean, I've had some great audiences in San Francisco and I've had some of the though you're too PC and I'm I'm a bad man. Yeah, yeah, I know. And, you know, so people used to ask me, where do I like to play? I would always say the red states, because I would attract a mostly liberal crowd in a red state. They're so fucking happy to see you. There's so here's what I experience. And don't have a stick up their ass. No, but but there. There's a there's a. When I go to, you know, places, even like in. um like missoula montana i was going to shoot my last special there but then uh some stuff happened but i was gonna you'll go anywhere i'll go anywhere yeah i will go absolutely go anyway i was like that i just quit last year but i for 40 years i was pretty much like that you mean like you're yeah i stopped doing stand-up i did a special yeah i did my last special it was on a year ago taped december 2024 i was like i'm out um and wait wait i want to uh we'll get back to that but i want to what was that decision like for you tough obviously it's like cutting off your arm in a way i mean i've been doing this only there's nothing that's more consistent throughout my whole life from when i was 22 and got out of college and moved to new york and tried to be a comic hanging out at catch a rising star in the improv so to not do it was felt just weird yeah yeah um you know first of all i'm 70 i thought oh that's a good number to maybe go first of all it's not healthy you look great for 70 but i'll finish your thought uh but it's it's uh thank you it's uh it's not healthy travel in general oh i know it's it's it isn't it's bad it's hard it's really bad planes are not healthy uh even private ones i was very fortunate uh to travel like a pimp all over the country um but uh even still um and and hotels got worse is there a dog sleeping somewhere do you hear that there is a dog sleeping somewhere but not anywhere near this but what am i hearing um i don't know the place is charming in a sort of down and dirty way so it could be anything honestly it sounds like there's a dog sleeping there it is wow it stopped no there it is okay sorry sorry wow you have better hearing than i do i well all right um but even if there was a dog sleeping it would be kind of a soothing thing to hear i actually like it when i hear my dog snore yeah it's like he's happy he's content he's secure he feels good enough to see just what kind of dog you have uh at the time ancient i mean i've had two for a very long time one uh died in august how old oh just old as you know i mean just gets to that moment you what are you up dogs uh i do uh we're on our third dog third dog yeah you've been married for how long uh it'll be 14 years in october but uh wow this is my third dog our family's second but uh yeah i have a i talk about having to put my dog down uh um but a few specials ago and and i waited too long you know uh i and i knew it i knew it too long yeah to to i should have done it she was in because she was so much pain oh my god and i she had a diaper and i had to carry her up yeah no no it is so hard to know when to have the death panel as they used to say about obamacare there was going to be death panels remember that oh yeah but you do have to have the death panel uh because at some point right it's it's you're just making this creature suffer and and it's inevitable it's not like uh you know there's certain things where you just know it's only going to get worse for example in the middle of the night if you feel like you have to go to the bathroom like do i really have to go but you know in your mind it's not going to get better in 20 minutes i'm not going to have to go to the bathroom less right so i might as well right on the first right i'm going to go until you get to the point where you're so relaxed you're like you know what i'll change the sheets move over there i'll roll over it's fine i always thought though they that somebody missed a good trick by not inventing something that was like uh okay bear with me like like a a a receptacle that you put on the floor by the bed right yeah and it has some sort of tube coming out of it and then you could just lie in bed and put put your dick in the tube that has to exist have you ever seen it um no because i'm not that lazy uh but i i i'm sure somewhere i don't i don't think so let's check amazon check it like what would you google um i don't know what the it is i think you're gonna get some punk band from uh from the early 80s um i've never seen anybody talk about it i've never certainly seen one i've never seen one advertised i feel like i those kind of infomercials that are on tv all the time for all sorts of crazy like that dude i i i started doing this bit which is a real thing that uh i experienced about like where i'm watching tv i'm kind of mindlessly watching and it suddenly dawns on me that every commercial is for old people who can't who have to go to the bathroom in a different way and like right everything because the the only people watching tv are people who have to worry about going to the bathroom when you least expect it that's right or or um are you tired of uh falling down in the shower or right the things like you can't get into the shower properly see this is when i hope they do the death panel for me i mean when it gets to the point where it's bathroom issues again well it sounds like you're almost there no no no i'm you're asking for a tube i first of all i wouldn't use this you would totally would i would you would totally use it yeah maybe i would uh i mean but i mean think about it you don't have to get up to go to the bathroom you just stick your dick i like it i like it i i mean you know can i tell you what i've started to do that is billionaires maureen crosby after their massive invention revolutionizes sleeping so shark tank let's do it let's get on shark tank um yeah uh well somebody's gonna see it and steal it now but they would have stolen it anyway because that's the nature of american capitalism there you go you cannot wait the best things were stolen right everything but the the light bulb if you the tv everything was all stolen fritos fritos you know fritos fritos a guy oh the bandito yes for the bandito you said stolen oh the uh that's not fair to say stolen but uh the guy was given the guy's like hey i'll give you five bucks for that you know whatever it was the frito-lay frito and then uh so i shouldn't say stolen that's that's not it but the light bulb and uh everything uh tv yeah yeah but it's terrible because if you are a a person with no means but you do come up with a great idea the the second you let that idea out big companies will find a way to steal it and then you sue them or whatever and they have a trillion dollar lawyer fund that can just wear you down yep and yeah so it's uh it's a little like how third parties in this country never succeed because once you get popular enough your ideas get stolen by one of the other two parties that's what always happens they come well and they know how to uh figure out how to cut your support just enough to you know help the other guy um they've been really good at that um but it is amazing though how we do get locked into just like the way that we do it and i think that's what's really interesting about the way that we do it is that we're not just talking about the way that we do it but we're talking about the way that we do it and i think that's what's really interesting about the way that we do it and i think that's what's so important about the way that we do it and i think that's what's so important about the way that we do it and i think that's what's so important about the way that we do it and i think that's what's so important about the way that we do it and i think that's what's so important about the way that we do it and it seems theoretically if there were more choices you wouldn't but i don't know if that's true either i mean european countries parliamentary systems they always have more than two parties oh yeah yeah i mean well most places i would i would imagine uh um you think that's better absolutely yeah because it's uh well it's more it's more for the people because you have representation and you know but then you end up like uh that's the difference between you and i you like the people um well you know the people you say like it's a good thing well in theory the people on paper have you met the people i have seriously i have come on uh no fan duel is now available everywhere in the u.s so you can get in on the sports action no matter where you are including these places make this your most rewarding season ever with fan duel agent location restrictions apply product availability varies by market see fanduel.com for eligibility gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER ryan reynolds here for mint mobile with your summer price forecast now unfortunately we're seeing rising costs across the country with possibility that big wireless hates you, - 100%. Now over here at Mint Mobile, we're seeing sunny skies and dropping prices. Every plan to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. - Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent, taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. - I like, you know, the fact that you have to form a coalition with people that you might not agree with is good. - That's it, that's it. It's coalition forming. - And, you know, there's- - Right. - Now what happened in England, I was living in the UK when the liberal Democrats did surprisingly well. And it was, who was it? I think it was pre-Cameron. It was, oh, it's how David Cameron got, so the Tory, Tories, Labour, and Liberal Democrats. - We've had a lot of different faces, Theresa May and Boris Johnson, and a lot of faces in that office. - Well, Theresa May was like, what, 105 days, something like that? - Who? - Oh, no, no, it was Theresa May. - Sunak, right? Rishi Sunak was- - Yeah, she's, well, she's- - He's gone. And now it's- - Well, he was the mayor. - No, no, he was prime minister. - No. - Yeah, absolutely. Yes. - Oh, yeah, yeah. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. - There was a- - He was post- - There was a moment- - Yes, Sunak was replaced by Starmer. - Yeah. - Yeah. - There was a moment when England had a prime minister who was the scion of an immigrant family from India, right? And I think Scotland had one whose family came from Pakistan. I mean, you know, talk about progress, like, yeah, just acknowledge it, that, you know, we're not complaining about that. We're just saying things have come a long way. - Well, I feel like they're going backwards because they, our system now wants them to go backwards. Like, we have people who are openly espousing, you know, white Christian nationalism and that's, you know, women, people openly say women shouldn't vote, you know? - Yes. - Now, I'm not that, that's okay. No, but- - No, there's very frightening things on the right. - Yeah, and that's because progress was made and- - Yes, some of it is backlash stuff. But in general, what you see out of a Republican today, like, just the garden variety, even the MAGA people, I mean, I've certainly met all of them, you know? I mean, the vice president is married to an Indian-American. - Yeah, it's- - You know, they're just things just- - It's crazy. - And they are not, Trump doesn't care about gay. - No, not at all. - You know, so there has been, like, progress that seeps into even the, you know- - Yeah, but that's, yes, but that's- - So there are backlash people, but like the rank and file Republican, I don't think is a racist. I think you can get them into positions that look racist, but I don't think in their bones, they're like what, the race is kind of what I grew up with, like a racist was somebody who didn't want to shake a black person's hand. - Yes, we have, I don't think that's a thing. And, but I think there is, I mean, I know there is, because they say as much, there's a feeling, a sense that, I mean, like Charlie Kirk stuff, that women and black people and black women especially are just not, I'm not being an asshole, guys. I'm just saying they don't have the mental, you know- - There was a little more, I read that when he died, they, you know, of course, lots of places put his greatest hits of worst hit, of worst hits. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody else printed something, and this is what always happens with the media, like I never trust it, 'cause you never get the full story, where like each one was put in with the full context. It was never quite as bad, as they said. - Context is everything, right? - It is. I'm just saying it was easy to pull from his quote bed and find stuff that I certainly don't agree with, even in the context, but it wasn't quite what, it wasn't just, it wasn't quite what you were saying there. - Excuse me? - That was a dog. - It was a dog. - Sleeping. - Dying. - Dying. But you know, again, I'm the guy who made "Religulous." You don't have to tell me about fucking how religion warps people's thinking, and you know, all these guys who are on this, shall we say, turning the clock back page, it all comes from religion, it all comes from super-duper Christianity, and the Bible says that, man has dominion over women, oh, maybe that's animals. He has dominion over animals, but sort of over women, too. - But it does say that. I mean, it doesn't say dominion, but it says that-- - Very close. - Right, that's what I'm saying. It says that a woman, it implies that a woman should be subservient to the husband. - I can accept it in women, but not animals. - When will the animals rise up? Come on. - Well, apparently they're sleeping. They're not even gonna wake up. - They're gonna wake up. But yeah, I mean, a lot of it does come from, I mean, you see it in the military. I mean, Pete Hegseth is really super-duper Christy as all dry drunks are. - Mm, interesting. - You know? - Yeah, yeah. - And I'm not even saying that he is what they say. I don't believe anybody. - Well, what about the, he just said something, it was almost like a Freudian slip, but he, fuck, I shouldn't say anything. - Yeah, I think I know what you're getting at. You know, it's like, the Trump administration are not people who care about saying the quiet part out loud. - Right. - In fact, it's their superpower in some ways. It's like, that's what makes MAGA fans go, finally, somebody said it, somebody's got the balls. And sometimes it's not wrong. And so, you know, I mean- - What has Trump been right on? - Well, I think he was right to attack Iran. - Oh, I highly disagree. - Yeah, I know. I figured you were. - What do you mean? Why? - Because I think, I do think of you as like, sort of that, like, down the line liberal. Like, down the line- - I mean, in some ways, I'm definitely, I mean, I'm politically more Democrat socialist, I believe. - You're socialist, again. I think you're, plainly then, you're to the left of me if you even say you're a socialist. - Well, I said democratic socialist. - I know, but did that, I know what democratic socialist is. That's Mondami. - Yeah. - Who's a straight up communist. - No, he's not. No, he's not. - Okay, okay, okay. He has someone working- - Bill. - Can I? - Yeah, all right. - He is, first of all. - Okay. - He has someone working for him named Sia Weaver. - Okay. - Have you read about her? - I have not. - See, that means you're in a bubble. - Okay. - Because you should have. - Okay, so I will, so edify me. - She's like one of his top lieutenants. She's had a, his big issue was the rent's too high. She's the head of like, we're gonna fix housing. This is like what got him elected. He has not disavowed her, and I could show you all her tweets that she's put out over the last few years in quotes. And one of them is, elect more communists. I don't think you have to read between the lines if somebody he stands with and by is saying that. And also, her other quotes are like, all home ownership is racist. - Well, that's ridiculous. - Exactly. - Yeah, yes, I have an issue with that thing that she said. I don't know this woman. I will definitely look her up. I'm a fan of Mamdani's. I'm a fan of, yeah, and I'm- - I love her. - I love her. - I love her. - I've lived in New York for 25 years. - Still smoke pot? - No, I mean, I wish. It just doesn't, I'm not good with it, and it took me fucking forever to learn my lesson, you know? I wish I could, 'cause I've been doing it. - Did you used to? I feel like I've smoked pot with you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I did. I just don't, my brain doesn't work well on it. You know what I mean? - Well, sure. You just said you like Mamdani. Well, let's not argue about- - I, for me, it's not an argument. It's a conversation. - Yeah, okay, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. - I don't feel like it's an argument. - Okay. - And I think he, also going from the last, the administrations that were in, that ran New York from when I moved there, I mean, they weren't, you know, Bloomberg was okay in a relative sense, but, I mean, de Blasio and Adams were just not good. De Blasio was, kind of feckless and adams was absolutely corrupt blatantly and i think uh at at in at the the least i and i think most of most new yorkers feel this way like let's give this guy a chance i agree with that okay totally i'm not judging him by what he's done because it's too early and we don't know what he's going to do and he could wind up being a an effective administer i think he's going to be like la guardia i really do he could wind up being an effective administrator but his philosophical pinnings and i could read other things from the democratic socialist party that show that it's it's not different than communism a lot of it it is i mean it's like that's just it's about they have statements about like to understand i'm not take over industry and so forth like i mean well i don't i don't believe that and i'm not a communist and they do but that's part of when i hear social democratic socialist i'm telling you you you can read it read up on those sure i mean the the people i'm uh fans of politically uh call themselves democratic socialists align with that bernie sanders yeah see bernie is not a communist no he's a democratic socialist uh that's true and there's that wing and i've i've spent uh you know over the years uh a bunch of time in scandinavia and uh and you know those countries that are democratic socialists and they're fucking awesome now i don't live there and i would right imagine that i would miss certain things but i mean when you look at the list of and they came out with the you know the 2025 list the happiest places on earth and it's always the same right it's the same thing and the one of the outstanding things about all those countries whether it's you know denmark or or finland or whatever is the uh one is freedom and the other is a lack of suspicion in their neighbors i guess or people in in their you know community small and large yeah i i i totally agree i did a whole editorial once on the idea that that kind of european socialism was made people happier for this reason that happiness is not just what you have which is what we think in america yeah it's what you don't have to worry about yeah what you don't have to sweat and they don't sweat health care they don't sweat college you know they don't sweat being in the military they don't sweat being in the military taking care of daycare daycare yeah things like that yeah there are things they have more vacation days yes yes that too they are happier that is probably what makes them happier and that is just not so far the american character which is no you know what i'm going to give up those things uh for the chance to if i do hit it big i want all i mean we're greedy people and we all and we also are 100 ambitious this this the good and the bad in the america the american character but you know as a friend of mine who came here from canada said in my country we cut down the tall trees here you don't and that's certainly also what i've heard from people i know who came from france what does that mean i don't understand you can't get too high you can't you know you can't you're not you know we have trillionaires let me i was i was taking it literally and i was like oh i don't know that's my that's my hang-up i take shit too literally it's like it's oh it's a metaphor that makes sense yeah sorry we good now it's yeah it's a it's an issue i have but like um can i can i ask a more basic question about this do you i mean this idea i read this survey every year also it's of course when you do a lot of shows yeah you know your comedy writers are always looking for something to write about certainly the comedy writers would wish we'd cover this more i tend to like ignore it because i feel like it's a bit of a bullshit thing maybe they are happier but how do you how can you really quantify who's happy and how happy you just did and you were right to do so that is what it is you answered your own question yeah you're right and i've been there i've i you know every time but that doesn't but that i don't live there but i'll be there for it's right for those people but it does that doesn't make everybody happy some people are riverboat gamblers and are willing to to forgo those things um and the we're all in it together uh thing um because they because they want it all you know glenn beck once said somebody's talking about you know the how we divide the pie and he said it was like talking about talking the quiet part out loud i want all my pie yeah yeah people want all the pie david i i'm not disagreeing with anything you're saying that's what i'm saying that's i i agree with you who's agreeing with me that it probably is better i think you're agreeing with me when we get right down with not sweating it is a great yeah goal uh and a great good but you know it is somewhat at variance with the other thing which is ultimate freedom i mean americans we love our freedom yeah but we're not that free i mean we're not that free we're not yeah right and certainly there's nothing more freeing than money i know i've been poor and i've been rich and it's so much better absolutely when i was poor i didn't even have the freedom to eat the food i want yeah that's a basic freedom and i don't think people think of it in those terms um yeah no i i you're right is that tequila no oh that is tequila would you like some yeah there you go like a big boy would you would you like uh no okay well it's great to see you oh you too it's uh it has been a while i can't stand it that the years go by and they don't see the people i'd like to see more and well you gotta we all we all have such is that where you live now new york yeah i've been there for quite a while but it was london because i remember trying so hard yeah started this to get you calling you all the time um and it was like he's in london he can't do it yeah i did so you you were there because you were doing that show the i remember that i love that show oh thanks yeah i did three seasons of yeah todd margaret and then i did one todd margaret yeah the increasingly poor decision margaret and the increasingly poor decision yeah and it's it's yeah that was a treat and uh and then i did a show for sky uh after that called where did you live in you were right in london yeah i i mean i started i was hitting every single place i was no but you living i mean yeah yeah i loved it and i'm and amber liked it yeah yeah and we go back we took our daughter there last year when i was on tour when i was doing the european leg i carved out a week around london during her uh spring break or whatever europe yeah i did it once oh it's great yeah i mean i really uh i look forward to it i always i always what cities um because it some you can't play paris no i never played paris i play uh like all over the uk and uh ireland right um scotland scotland yeah um amsterdam of course amsterdam yep berlin uh i did berlin for the first time last last and the scandinavian country because they all speak english perfect yeah and and one of the best shows i mean they were all good but i'd say the three best shows were uh cologne cologne germany germany fucking great i like crazy good and uh copenhagen you expected to be a bunch of nazis you say it like germany who'd have thought they'd laugh no no i i say that because my past experience with uh um amsterdam and scandinavian cities in particular is you'll go up and you're you know doing an hour and 15 whatever and and it's just like people are sitting there and and you're you know you know you have those interior monologues when you're doing your set that you've done a hundred times and you kind of walk away and you know have a whole conversation with yourself right and you're like what the fuck man this is it's gonna be tough it's right and they're not awful but they're just not doing anything whatever and you think it sucks and you right by the time you get you're like okay well uh that's it thank you and then people fucking leap to their feet and they're doing it and they're doing it and they're cheering and getting a standing ovation i'm like what the fuck so that was an experience i had a couple times in those places so when i did copenhagen i was they were like really active and great it was great and then bristol england was also one of the best um shows i did but it was yeah i tour europe every time i go out it's it's fun and i i you know they're they're happy to see me how many dates do you do a year how many like stand-up dates anywhere in the world. tour it'll it'll be two years in between tours right like so you so you don't do it continually you just do a tour what do you mean look i used to i i was never like i never had a tour i just always did it every like every other weekend i'd go out and do saturday and sunday in two different cities and no no what are you saying you're you have a real tour yeah what i do is for how many months uh i mean over it depends uh like i would say i do between 80 and 110 shows now not all back to back i mean um but what i do is i but like you're away from home for like a month like a rock band yeah oh wow yeah you're much more of a warrior than i am i'm but i you know it's it's fucking hard to do that hard man the travel is just it's that's what we were saying it's brutal and it it's it's brutal and and they don't the people who route these tours like i go back and forth and back and forth like guys i how am i gonna get from sioux falls to bozeman montana you i looked you know how i get there i gotta take a 6 a.m flight to you know you get these regional airports and like i'm not gonna do that you can't take a plane well you know you take a plane you know your own plane i don't have that kind of money i don't know doesn't the tour pay for it no i mean i mean the shows that the money that's making from the tour because no i i do really yeah i'm thinking these venues you're david cross i mean some are theaters and some are uh like music venues clubs where i have like standing room and no i cannot take a uh i can't even take a tour bus anymore wow they're just too expensive that's but also part of it is that i don't if i went out for four months which i used to then i could take a tour bus because it all amortizes but i go back because i got a bus who's else who do you need on a bus well it's it's you have a driver who's driving you and you can sleep i know but why do you need a whole bus you know you're right i only need half a bus but they don't make those so so just you alone on a bus oh your family you bring yeah you bring the family on the bus yeah when my daughter before my daughter went to school but uh um she's in school and i don't want to be away for right so i go back and forth and i'll do 10 12 days and then i come back for a week you know and he can't that i can't take a bus on it because what do your kids think of what you do for a living um i've one daughter is nine and she uh she hasn't really seen stand-up and probably won't for a while it's kind of saucy and uh um but she when she was younger she knew as she put it like daddy's silly for a living he make that he's silly that's how he makes his money being silly and but now she's seen a little bit more and i was just in a play in new york i did tartuffe with matthew broderick oh yeah i read about that in the paper it was it was it was great and uh she came and saw that and it just like you know jumped up and she's at that well i put her to bed that night she goes dad um is it okay to be proud of you oh oh i know my heart really yeah yeah i was like yeah honey i'm proud of you and you can be proud of me and and she she loved it and it was you know it's just and it was a crazy costume i would say you made that up but it's just too on the money no no she said no i'm yeah as i was putting her to bed um well i'd like to say that makes me wish i had kids but it's still nothing i mean it's a cute story but it certainly wouldn't be worth changing one cute story i got 99 wouldn't be worth changing a thousand diapers for it trust me but okay so i did read about this in the new york times but you'll forgive me i don't live in new york and i'm not much of a culture vulture so tartuffe okay doing a play with matthew broderick as high up as you can get in the theater world matthew broderick is um probably nathan lane but don't tell me that oh well they did the producers together i mean but matthew broderick is show business royalty on on broadway so that's great it's a very feathery cap thing for you it was great it was a really tartuffe obviously a french play moliere moliere do you know moliere he i know what he said he said to honor all men is to honor none well that makes sense um his plays are great and really yes still relevant is he the bourgeois the bourgeois gentleman i know he he did uh um uh the mrs malaprop this is malaprop this is where we get malapropism from moliere well from i may don't uh hold me to that but some french play like probably moliere uh and mrs malaprop uh it's i think it's the rivals okay that's where we get the term malaprop because she was always getting the words wrong that was the gag in the play uh he did the misanthrope and the yeah and the doctor and the physician inspired himself for the the invalid what's this one about tartuffe uh it's so fucking relevant and it was a it was a uh kind of modernized version i mean the setting wasn't modern but the language was more there's a lot of fuck you and stuff and things like that but um so it's about a guy uh uh you know rich uh father um who has this you know a lot of land and that's who i played or gone and tartuffe is this uh clearly blatantly bullshit guy who claims to be uh you know religious uh close to god and and he basically worms his way into the house and i end up uh and organ ends up like making him his heir and and he divides the house and everyone in the house his wife his kids the the the you know cleaning lady they're all like he's a fucking he's lying to you he clearly isn't and he tries to seduce the wife and uh in a in a probably the most the the you know most popular scene and organ's hiding but he organ won't hear it until it's like right in front of him and even then he finds ways to make himself you know like well i wasn't that fooled you know uh this is relevant because you're saying the metaphor is that we are the idiot who's being fooled yes well i'm not being fooled but you're not who's tartuffe in this analogy if the american public is the idiot rich fuck uh i would say it's uh it's you know the republican party i would say in in it's a person who's misrepresenting themselves who's saying the things that this person wants to hear right to get the money to and eventually he fools organ into uh tricks him into giving him his house and everything in it fan duel is now available everywhere in the u.s so you can get in on the sports action no matter where you are including these places make this your most rewarding season ever with fan duel age and location restrictions apply product availability varies by market see fanduel.com for eligibility gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER hank joined bj's wholesale club the day he became a father of 30 i coach football now coach hank saves up to 25 off grocery store prices 30 pounds of pasta three cases of protein bars 75 sports drinks and that's just pregame he knows teamwork and bj's knows savings this is your home coach home of the save join for just 20 at bj's.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save this episode is brought to you by chat gpt hey it's bill simmons from the bill simmons podcast have you guys heard about chat gpt work it's the new way to use chat gpt for bigger multi-step projects and when you need more than just answers give chat gpt work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets slides and structured reports get started at chat gpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans yeah i don't know if you've been following this uh psychodrama i haven't been following it for a long time i haven't been following it for a long time going with trump but he was hey congratulations by the way thank you that's fucking awesome the mark twain thing thank you that's great what an honor yes i appreciate you know thank you i mean it's i i mean i guess it was you or carrot top right and they went with that's what i heard that's what is out there on the streets bill he should get one i love him but um to give every man a mark twain prize is to give no man a mark twain prize but uh you know after the he went sort of like tweet nuts on Valentine's Day. And then I answered back. And the end of my thing, when I was talking to him, I said, there was a Democratic senator, John Ossoff, who said about the Republican Party currently, you are the elites you pretend to hate. Yeah. And if the Democrats ever learn to weaponize that message, MAGA is in trouble. They're so bad at messaging it. They're so feckless and useless. Did you get to see the special that we're- Not yet, because they just told me about it yesterday. Oh, okay. Work week, I couldn't have it. But I've seen all your specials. I love, anytime you do stand up, I'm there. Well, did you see Worst Daddy in the World? Because the end of that is, I think, something you would- Do I remember titles? No. Okay. I think the end is something you'd really appreciate. I'm sure I saw it. Comedy specials, it's not like you remember the title or- Oh, no, no. I know. Same. It's amazing what goes in and then through. Why did I bring this up? It was relevant- We're about elites and the Republicans, and you're right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I talk about how- I never- Useless the Democrats are. But I feel like they're much more than just useless. I think they have a bunch of really stupid, bad ideas also. Yes, I agree. Okay, that's great. I'm glad we agree on that. But I never stopped hammering the Republicans. No. And, you know, it's just- I think, well, they're more blatantly hypocritical to me, more openly hypocritical in the sense that, of what you just said, we're, you know- You know, they're the elites they pretend to hate. And you look at video of, what's his name, John Kennedy, the Louisiana- We had him on the show three weeks ago. Like, you look at old video when he's in Harvard, he's kind of talking normally, and then all of a sudden he gets in, he's like, well, geez, that's hotter than a biscuit in the home. No, he definitely plays up Louisiana. No, I love him. We had a great time. Because you could just see- I gotta say, those kind of guys, the Republicans, they just have this little, like, I can wink at them, like, and it's like, yeah, we know we're full of shit about certain things, you know? Now, the best of them do draw the line. It's not like the Republicans never draw the line. When Trump insisted in 2020 that he had won that election, which I was way out ahead on, excuse me, predicting that he would never leave office, and then he- tried to do exactly what I said he was going to do, there were Republicans, like his own attorney general, who is, you know, William Barr, who we all didn't have very good things to say about him, and Mitch McConnell, and Mitt Romney, and several others, Liz Cheney. There were ones who, and ones who also, some who were, like, closer to Trump, who said, no, you lost. You lost, and you have to say you lost. So, you know. Boy, the bar is set so low. So low. But, yes, Romney was decent about all of it. Yeah. So was Liz Cheney. And Mitch McConnell, but even Mitch McConnell. And the guy, Adam, Adam Kinzinger, you know? Yeah, I mean, right. But there were some other ones I'm trying to, Mike Pence. Mm-hmm. Mike Pence. Right. Did the right thing at the last moment. You know, so, I mean, you gotta hang your hat on that a little bit. I mean, half of the country's not going away. Oh, it's not half. It's not half. I don't think it's. Well, it's 40%. He has, Trump's approval rating now is 41%, which is low. But it is, like, 100 million people. And he has 100% approval from MAGA Republicans, which is most of them. Well, yeah, that's not gonna change. That's not gonna change. I mean, in that Tartuffian way, you can show. You can say, look, here's a. I mean, it's. So, how was Matthew Broderick to work with? Oh, he's a total Trumper. No, he's awesome. Matthew's great. The whole cast was great. We were. I've never done a play before. This is the first time I've done that. Yeah, and I knew early on that I was lucky in that everyone was super cool and liked me. We liked each other and got along. And you can imagine, you've been on sets before where it just takes one fucking asshole to sour everything, you know, to put a weird mood, you know. Boy, do I. Yeah, yeah. We all have, you know. You've been around somebody who's just shitty or sour or whatever. And I could tell, like, if you're doing a play, because that's intense. And there must. You know, they're theater actors. There must be a good number of them who are just fucking. They're douches, you know, pretentious or whatever, or complaining about things, or have their process. And you can't, you know. And, you know, a person like me comes into it and just taking the piss out of everything. And it was. Everyone was super cool, and we had a great time. Sometimes people have a real prejudice about comedians. Oh, yeah. In acting roles. I remember on my first sitcom, I overheard. Where was it? Sarah on NBC, starring Geena Davis. I didn't. What was it? We were four lawyers in San Francisco. There was Geena Davis. You say that like that's the way you had to deliver lines. No, no. I was the Ted Baxter part. I was the office creep, which was awesome, because the other three people, you could exchange their lines for each other. They were just three nice people. Alfre Woodard, my still wonderful friend Alfre Woodard, you know, and Bronson Pinchot. So there was the titular white girl, the black girl. Black girl and the gay guy, and then the office creep. Yeah. I was in big heaven. I was 28. I was on a sitcom. Suddenly, my salary in life went. And multi-camera? Sitcom. You've done sitcom. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So. Not like Arrested Development. Right. That's what I meant. Like, easiest job. Easiest job in the world. Right. It's insane. People don't know. Gentleman's Hour. Oh, my Lord. Come in on Monday. You read it around the table. There you go. Go home. Go home. Tuesday. Tuesday. We'll put it on its feet. You know, it's a sitcom. There's only three sets. There's only so much you can do. The director says, while you're doing it, pick up the spatula. Great. You saved the show. You have one hard day, and it's not even that hard. It's Thursday. The day before the. When you're blocking everything, and it's like 12 hours. Right, right, right. That's it. It's boring, because they've got to get the camera moves. That's it. Right. And then you shoot it in the day. First, without an audience. Get it in the can. All right. I'm going to let the audience put their own can joke in there. And then, at night, you shoot it with the audience. Wait, you're saying. They always use the audience version anyway. You're saying you fucked them in the ass? I was hoping you would say it. Oh, okay. I just did. Happy birthday. Oh, great. Your nine-year-old will see this and know I'm the bad guy. No. But yes, wonderful. Gentleman's. Oh, it's the best. Hours. And you were. I was the office creep. But was the set. Was there somebody on the set who was like, oh, God, here we go? Yes. Oh, that was the story. I literally overheard one of the professional actors, the one who was playing the secretary out front, say, can you believe it? They've hired a comedian. Oh, damn. It's infuriating. That. And it's attendant with the idea when people are like, wow, Robin Williams. Robin Williams was really good in that thing. Or Jim Carrey was really. I mean, I believed him. It was really set. Like, yeah, why wouldn't a comedian of all people. Especially since the big line is always dying is hard or comedy is whatever. Dying is easy, comedy is hard. Like, they always say comedy is harder to do than drama, right? Yeah. Like, anyone who can pull off, he's just a little kid. You know, anyone who can be mad. Wait, who are we talking about? What's. Who's the kid? What happened? What happened to him? See how much I. I fucking. You pulled me in. I pulled you in with my acting. And the. Yeah. And the potty goes to. But comedy is, you know, very delicate and. I mean, look at Bob Odenkirk. Tricky. I mean, one of the funniest, smartest guys. You're a partner. Yeah, and. You guys are still close, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just saw him yesterday. Okay, good. Yeah, we actually. We have a documentary that'll be coming out. We climbed. We took the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. It's great that you both did great. Because it would have been awkward. What? You know, it'd be like if Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, if one of them was, you know, now on bringing up Chunky on. And the other one was a huge star, just made a big AI deal. I'm curious, because it's going to be stolen this week. But tell me about the logline. What's the logline? well i mean chunky's a fat kid who you know we're setting this in the 80s okay when it was okay to say fat kid yeah um and uh and it was okay to be a fat kid and and they're just bringing him up that's the name the parents who are the parents who do you see you cast cast this for me let me um here can i step in yeah please so the parents are in their 80s and chunky is 50 the 1980s so wait it's doris roberts right maybe not uh it is amazing when i did i mean sarin was on in 1984 or 85 um it was supposed to be a big show because it was on nbc when they ruled the roost it was on between uh after family ties that was a huge show yeah yeah and it was the same producer gary goldberg was it just one year or it just lasted 13 episodes because the uh head of the network hired a comedian to be one of the lawyers that wasn't the problem the producer who was very powerful gary goldberg and the head of the network brandon tartikoff remember that name yeah uh like had a shouting shoving match during one of the tapings so i think we knew yeah wow yeah i got to that level you know it was like that it's amazing how quaint we think of life that in that era because uh we did have this change in the show about six or seven episodes in uh they decided we needed an authority figure and then suddenly we had this boss like the head of the uh home office who came there to san francisco where the four lawyers were in there you would think that would have made itself apparent during their the when they were developing the idea but it fucked it up i think we it was much better when we were just four nudniks playing in the sandbox now we did have an authority film i mean i'm not gonna blame the guy but it was like the way they used to the networks used to um micromanage shall we say yeah much more than they do and most of that is from my network hbo were the ones who pioneered that idea of no no you know we're just gonna let you have enough rope to hang yourself or be a big success we got two notes in four years right on mr show two that we had to take like we got other notes and then we were like oh well we thought this and this and this and they're like okay and they they encouraged us when we when we started they were like we don't uh i'm paraphrasing it but uh uh chris albrecht and carolyn strauss said we we don't want you to be like everything else on tv we want you to go ahead we're trying to you know make a distinction here hbo it's not television yeah it was great no but that was their little motto and i always still try to live up to it yeah i took it seriously i take it seriously i mean they've only ever given me one note bill you know the way you always are don't be that way how did that work out b could you be less um you bill marsh well i'm sure actors get to that point in life sometimes where they see i've heard this story they will see in a casting call a so-and-so type and it's them yeah and say could i get this yeah i'm i am act that yeah no what because you think that means they're over the hill yeah they're not they're not over the hill but just uh like a caricature a reference point a caricature um man i don't even know what i mean if they said like a bill maher type i can kind of get it if they said a david cross type i'd be like i don't know what you mean no but you do play the idiot well because it is it is the funnest thing to do i mean that's what i was the office creep yeah you know i did not know when i was being a macho idiot you know it's it was fun man yeah i was being a macho idiot you know i was being a macho idiot you know i was being a macho idiot you know i was being a macho idiot you know i was it's fun man yeah i was being a macho idiot you know i was being a macho idiot you know i was being a macho idiot it's it was fun man yeah i was doing ted baxter from mary tyler moore and and nobody knows because the impression is just bad so it doesn't so they don't even see that you're just lifting really from from somebody but you've also got uh you know intuitive yeah yeah timing and nature and you know how to deliver a line and um but it's a acting is a rough game i'm glad i got out of that first of all comedy acting okay that can last a longer time but if you're in the leading man leading lady area it's a pretty short window yeah where you you know and that's assuming you hit it in your like 20s what if you only sometimes it takes you to your late 30s sure okay now yeah but i mean like i think sharon stone wasn't like known until she was like 30s 35 okay now the window where they're going to look at you as the leading lady yeah you know the hottie is like now you got like 10 years left yeah it's well unless you show your bush then you get an extra three years that's what that was yeah that was in the contract that was the first one that that's what made her a star you're welcome yeah remember that movie never saw it but you never saw basic instinct i did not see it what a dick now come on what a fucking snob there are so fucking a snob i didn't i did not see it for a reason i just didn't see it i'm personally offended that you didn't see it but i it's not i never are you snob i'm not you're too good to see basic instinct i mean yes i'm sorry it's not to do with the reason i didn't see it i'm sorry it's not tart too okay oh my lord um there's a lot of stuff i haven't seen never saw game of thrones never saw uh i watched three seasons of sopranos and and didn't pick it back up never uh there's i never saw i mean there's so much stuff i haven't seen yet you know breaking bad oh every episode i saw that never saw that one really yeah oh it's fucking great dude oh it's great oh i'm the dick now i well i'm i never i've heard that i just it's great i mean i i'm i'm i think i'm saving it for when i didn't you just celebrate your 70th birthday oh so what i'm gonna die tomorrow i can't save anything it's getting oh yeah that's right dave like oh my god i hit 70 i better watch breaking bad tonight i mean i gotta well you can't watch it all tonight i gotta get through another episode it's been great to see you but i'm i'm saying the the window is closing oh it's it was on for what first of all six years seven years ai is gonna keep me alive forever so just suck on that you're gonna have to deal with me how is it good forever how is it gonna keep you you don't think ai is gonna figure out mortality uh i don't okay we're talking about ai now right yeah okay it's gonna do a lot of bad things right what andy inchwitch the guy from the no no no no no artificial intelligence it's just andy inchwitch he's a robot that does he's a where are you on ai are you uh pro uh worried con uh i mean all of it really uh all right all three of those things i right i i had an experience um where i i'd read a lot about ai and i'd i'd seen like deep fakes and stuff like that but sure but when i saw that uh what's her name tilly the actress tilly norwood tilly norwood yeah i i was talking to my wife about this because she hadn't seen it i was like it was such a as an adult i don't even know if i've had this experience as an adult where this it's almost like a grand magic trick but i know it's a magic trick but i'm watching tilly norwood that video they made i'm like it's not computing how is this fake i mean i'd never seen anything remotely like that where this is as real as anything i would if you showed me that that i and i didn't know what ai was i'd be like no what are you talking about it's me it's computer generated it's and then uh i mean it's crazy to me and i met her at the vanity fair oscar party i think we had chemistry i do that's the future of ai a bunch of old guys going you know i met her and uh i think she likes me how long is it but did you ever see the original west world the movie west world i didn't but i know i'm familiar with it yul brenner and uh right yeah yeah my boy james brolin you know what i i know it because i have so many of these movies i know it because of mad magazines uh uh i have some mad magazine covers in this yeah i saw it but but that's how i knew westworld and kind of the plot and all that right i mean hvo redid it in a whole different way but the original movie in the 70s james brolin awesome and uh yul brenner awesome and And it's just this place where you can go and they have, you know, they're robots, but you're in the Old West. So you can shoot the robot and you're not really killing anybody. And you can fuck the horse. Yeah. I mean, fucking horses is. Horse, I say. Horse. A horse. Horse. It's Western. Yeah. There was a lot of horse fucking back then. If you really have this, you know, I mean, in the movie, the plot is that one of the robots, played by Yul Brynner, of course, goes, you know, there's something wrong with the wiring. And then he actually violates what they're told at the beginning is that the robots could never hurt you. And, of course, Yul Brynner's shooting up the town. It's Asimov's thing. Yeah, exactly. But in real life, I don't know if that would be the problem. The problem would be, like, if you could actually have guys who could fuck whores or women who just would, you know, these robotic. A lot of guys would be doing. I think there would be a mass leaving of their wives. Yeah, I agree. And besides that problem, which is a huge problem, it's also probably not great for the psyche of the species that guys think they can be as Andrew Tate-ish as they want. Yeah, I agree. Even if they're robotic women. Yeah. I mean, it's just that's one of the bad sides of AI. Yeah. And that's coming. Do you think – I'm just thinking this now. I don't know whether I agree with it or not, but it's an argument that might be made that, well, if you have an AI version of a woman that an undertake type misogynist can do that to, are they getting it out of their system? And that's a place for them to take those feelings and – I think they're normalizing it and making it routine. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I can imagine the argument being made. I mean, Andrew Tate, I mean, communicates with a lot of young men. And if they're talking about real women the way he talks about real women – Did you see the Louis Thoreau thing? Can you imagine what – you're like the eighth person who told me I've got to see this yesterday and I'm going to. Right. The men are – It's a – The men are – It's a manosphere, right? Yeah, you're not – it's not going to be revelatory, but it is – No, right. It's eye-opening. Yeah. I'm sure it is. But, I mean, if you get these guys, the Andrew Tate people, to be talking about actual women this way, can you imagine how they would feel about the robots? Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'm the opposite. I'm afraid of the robots, so I'm super polite. I mean, I didn't used to be like – When I – I have in my car, like, a plug-in for, like, a phone where you can, like, play music off of it, you know, just basically an iPod. So when I get out of the car, when I've had that on, the car always says – says – I mean, not a sentence I used to say when I was 25 years old, but the car says to me, you left your phone in the car. And I used to go, shut the fuck up, you stupid cunt, because it was just an opportunity to let out steam. About, you know, mechanical things. I don't do that anymore. I'm not calling my car a cunt. I don't know – The car will remember. We've all seen Knight Rider. You know? The car – they're all in cahoots. The car – and it's like that old Woody Allen bit about – remember my – I think my appliances are in cahoots against me. The toaster made a remark. I think it's anti-Semitic. You know what we don't have in New York? Speaking of living in a bubble, which I admit, and I want to be in that bubble. I pay for it. And I want my daughter to be in that bubble. It's a good bubble. Okay. I don't think any bubble is good, but – No, no, no. It's pretty good. When you're talking about day-to-day life, it's actually really pretty great. Well, you don't want to mix with people who you don't agree with. No, I didn't say that. Oh, I thought that's what a bubble was. No, no. A bubble is protection from the shit that's going on outside of the bubble that I don't – the awfulness. And there's no shit inside the bubble. I mean, there's some shit, but less, and it's different. No, no. I'm happy to be in New York. You know, and again, I travel all over America. Well, you can live in New York and not be in a bubble. Well, yes. But I'm – All right. I'll define it. The bubble is not for me or my wife. It's for a daughter. Yeah, okay. And the more I can keep her from the things that I and my wife think are bad. Just to play devil's advocate about what might be in the bubble that isn't favorable to you. A Democratic congressman, I've had him on the show. I like him a lot. Seth Moulton from Massachusetts. He got a lot of attention at the end of the last election cycle because he was talking about the Democrats and they got their ass kicked in the election and so forth. And he said – they were talking about the trends issue. And he said, look, I don't want my 12-year-old daughter to be on the soccer field and be run over by someone who's identifying as a man – as a woman but is really a boy. I don't want my daughter being run over. And a lot of people applauded him for that. I mean – We saw in the Olympics a – okay, born a man, now fighting as a woman boxer just beat the dog shit out of a woman, the other boxer. A lot of people were disturbed by that. It's very disturbing to watch because it's a man beating the shit out of a woman. I'm just saying there's stuff inside the bubble that could be bad too. Okay, well, what I would say to that because I don't – First of all, if you're talking about a 12-year-old, that's – You want your daughter run over. No, that's prepubescent. And that – a boy who identifies as a girl and for all intents and purposes is a girl is not going to – have the – if you're talking about like late teens, like after puberty, that's – He said I think 12 was when he was talking about that. Yeah, that's prepubescent, right? I know, but like we do let – So there's no – the difference between a boy and a girl is minimal at prepubescent. And if – and – and – and – it's true. I think you could find some – Physically. Physically. Oh, I don't think physically. Look it up. Bill, look it up. You're talking about – First of all, I remember being 12. There's some big 12-year-old boys. There's some big 12-year-old girls. There are. Why can't you just say it's true? I mean, again, this is what's wrong with that – With the loony left. You know, like they just will – they just die on hills that are unnecessary to die on. I mean, 12-year-old boys, you know, I get what this guy was saying. He's – and again, he's a Democrat. Well, I would say the same thing to him. I don't give a shit whether he's Democrat or Republican or Libertarian or Independent or whatever the fuck. I – the idea of 12-year-olds – Okay, what about the other one, Olympics? I don't know the boxing story or situation. Didn't get in the bubble. Yeah, that's fine. But now he can edify me. He can tell me. So was this – So it was a – it was a – It was a – when did they transition? Did they take puberty, blockers and all that? It's a little murky. If you read it up on it, it would be like they have their side of the story about why technically – you know what, I can't recreate it. To a lot of people, it just came off as somebody who looked like a dude and punched like a dude beating up a woman. There may be a technical reason why this was a little different. Because there is – Again, I don't know. But there is physical differences between a person's body once testosterone kicks in, right? There's a – testosterone is what – Yeah. You know, puberty. Yes, yes, yes. So I don't know if – but if it – But there was a bigger – just bigger muscle mass and just bigger. If they have testosterone and they haven't – Even before that. No, no. Nope. Okay. Well – No. That's not true. The disparity between – and there are bigger kids and there are bigger boys and there are also bigger girls. I've seen girls, you know, no, trans not being a thing. I've seen girls kick the shit out of boys. It's about the individual person, right? Is it not? Do you remember third grade? Third grade I remember it, but I also remember that he said 12. - Okay, so what, fifth or sixth? I think kids reach puberty a lot earlier than they used to. I'm not sure why that is, but I've read articles about that that they don't know. Maybe it's that we give them too much meat or something's in the meat. They have lots of theories about it. It could be psychological because they see so many things, images that we didn't when we were kids. You think so? I think it's certainly possible. I think it would probably be more about shit in our food. You don't think something that enters your mind? I don't know. No, but it's not a ridiculous premise. I didn't say it was. No, I'm not saying you did. I'm just saying it's not. I'm not saying you said I didn't. I'm just saying. All right, all right. People selling people to people. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but are you. Where do you stand on trans. At the reasonable place where, of course, it's a real thing, and, of course, they should be protected and respected, but there is a default setting for humans. I don't think where America is now, we're an outlier country. We don't do anything like. The only people in the world who do this anymore, and I'm talking about not notifying parents in some places, letting kids self-diagnose. at early ages, and then doing actual surgery, puberty blockers, things that are absolutely irreversible. That's just something only the. Are puberty blockers irreversible? Absolutely. That's something only the Democratic Party believes in anymore. I believe for, you know, just. Just the idea of puberty blockers, of anything. Look, my health always comes first. The idea of like. This is the tequila, right? Yes. All right. I'm not trying to be funny. Boy, if he's going to start on this, I'm going to need another drink. But the idea of reversing anything in my body or blocking anything, I'm old enough to know now, I've learned through different things, like a lot of health comes down to like keeping all the pipes clear in every way. When things are blocked or reversed or you use any kind of drug that maybe has a beneficial effect, but it also is. is going to block something or have some side effect that reverses how your body naturally wants to work, it's always going to be a problem. That's why I recommend my piss tube. Okay. You merely lie in bed and put your dick in it. You don't have to get up. At this point, we're probably getting fairly close to being able to look at examples of adults that had, you know, puberty blockers when they were younger, right? And find out if medically, you know, in the same way, like. Well. 30 years ago, people said, oh, two gay dads is going to ruin it. That's not completely true because not everything. No, I guess I'm saying we're probably getting close to whoever the first kids were that had that becoming. Yeah, but I know you're saying that. And what I'm saying is you can't really say. You can't really say what the effect is 30 years later because you don't know when somebody gets cancer. Nobody says to you, except if it's lung cancer, did you smoke? Yeah, there's an obvious one. Other than that, it's just we don't know why you got it. And they don't know why. Something went wrong in the body. And what caused that? What were the factors? So you're saying you don't know. Well, we're saying we don't know. We don't know. Could having puberty blockers 30 years ago, be part of that? What your body was doing to compensate for that? I mean, I had like Accutane acne medicine in the 90s. Could that, if I got cancer tomorrow, would that possibly be a factor from. Yes, possibly. So it sounds like you're just making my point because if a puberty blocker is just like Accutane or. Not good. Cereal. It's never going to be a good. Okay, so are you going to get rid of it? Are we going to get rid of Accutane? Are we going to get. Because it might be bad? Well, you certainly should give the patient the information to say, here's what. Well, we don't have the information, though. Well, that's even worse. I mean. But we don't have the information for a lot of things. Okay, but generally, what I do know, we may not have a specific information, is that when you do something like block what your body's natural hormones are raging to do, that just intuitively tells me, not a great health result in the future. You really don't see it that way? Well, I'll go back to what I said. We should be approaching the time when we can really look at this and get more of a definitive answer, whether it does affect people. Because I know trans. And in the meantime, just keep doing it. I'm 100% pro-science, to help people. I do not have an issue with trans kids. I know a couple of them. They're awesome. And I think their lives would be absolutely miserable if they weren't allowed to live the life they're living. Yeah, sometimes I would agree that that is the case. I mean, that is literally, you know, for. Sometimes that's the case. 100% of my experience. And there's also men. There's many cases of people who regret it. What's the percentage? I don't think it's that big. It's not in the bubble, but it's there. Tell me. You're out of the bubble. I am. Is it above 7%? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Well, you don't know then. I do know, because I've read so many. Well, then tell me. I don't know what the percentage is, okay? But I've certainly read many, many accounts of people who have said this. I don't know what the. You can imagine that there would be nobody who did it and didn't regret it? I didn't say that. I'm sure there are. There are people who regret tattoos. So you're saying there's a certain percentage that it's worth it to sacrifice them. If it's 10% of people who regret it and they'll never have an orgasm again and now they're a gay man without a dick, that's okay, because. I'm just asking. That's kind of what you're saying. It is what I'm saying, I guess. If 9 out of 10 people are happy, then yeah, I would. I mean, you're putting that decision in the hands of children often who are confused about everything. So the idea that they could self-diagnose and the idea that I could tell you anything about my own life when I was 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, all these ages, I mean. Did you know if you were gay or not? I was just hanging on. I knew I was not. Okay. I knew I was not. All right. I certainly was not thinking about men when I was masturbating. Okay. So that's a. That's a solid thing you knew when you were. It was solid from morning till night. I was not thinking about men. I was thinking about, I don't know, Goldie Hawn and Diane Carroll and Anne Margaret and Raquel Welch. You know, I. Did you have brothers and sisters? I have a sister. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that relevant? I'm just curious. I know. Your family upbringing. You? I have two younger sisters. Oh. And. I must be proud of you. My sister's very proud of me. I'm very close with the middle sister. I'm the oldest. And nothing against the younger sister, but. No. I've talked about her. Just we're from different worlds. We live in different worlds. Yes. She's very. That happens. Yeah. Yeah. My sister and I live in different worlds, but, you know, still love each other. Is she older or is she younger? She's older. Yeah. It's so interesting to, you know, when you get to this age and you see the things that you knew about somebody from as far back as, you know, 60 years ago, and you just see, oh, that was always there and that's always going to be there. Yeah. Like, I wish somebody had told me that, you know, about myself, just about like, you know what? Stop making this New Year's resolution. You're just always going to be this way about this. Bring it up, Chunky. Yeah. Stop banging your head against the wall. Just accept yourself, you know? Yeah. That was honestly my favorite episode of bringing up Chunky. It was a very special episode. All right. Well, I have to pee and I did not bring my piss tube. Why? You could have plugged it. I mean. And tell me the name of it again. I mean, piss tube is just the first thought that came to my head, but I'm sure there's something better than that. I think you do. I think you go Bill Maher's piss tube. Well. And then your face is on there, right? But if I call it Bill Maher's piss tube, isn't that kind of a flex? In the piss tube community? Yeah, I just think the kids are going to be like, you know, he's so full of himself, No, but like, if it worked in bed, again longer podcasts i you know you know i would just say right there yeah we'll do what the t-shirts do get a fucking crystal springs water bottle and piss right the amazon warehouse dude they you know how many bottles of piss i see the plastic bottles i see like after there's been a shoot somewhere in new york really oh yeah it's a teamster thing just piss in the bottle yeah yes i thought that was apple juice that was the big laugh on bringing up chucky yes oh no that was part of the very special episode that was the because it was a two-parter uh should we plug anything can we plug anything for you a bit late everybody's tuned out no no turned out no all right i got a i got a new special the end of the beginning of the end the end of the beginning of the end okay and it was uh what does that mean you tell me i know what it means the end of the beginning of the end so it reminds me of the churchill quote about world war ii they had one i forget it was a big battle maybe el alamein and he said this isn't the beginning of the end but it may be the end of the beginning oh interesting meaning the war yeah that's kind of what was the thought behind it is that we had a beginning of the end and this is the end of the beginning of the end so you're not anti-churchill no what no sometimes you bubble dwelling liberals are like churchill's the bad guy now i want to i want to talk further about all this stuff come back all right i'll do this with you anytime do you go do you go to new york ever well i mean i used to all the time because work took me to the east coast and now that i don't do stand up um i mean i had a book out in 2024 so i did press there in new york i mean look i have so many roots there my sister's in new jersey um i fucking love it i lived there twice i never liked it no i'm not in new york yeah i understand i i get that i i love the sunshine and not living in a building and you know but i i understand the great things about it i will get there um i'll call you when i do because i know people who live there now and i know what's better about it i mean because i know what they tell me um and they're they're not my age they're millennials like 40 but they they say you know la is great they all have lived here one of them is barry weiss you know yeah you should read her shit that's great anti-bubble stuff there because they're not conservatives but they're but they're down the middle and the free press i love it but they uh that they live there a couple other friends there and they say la is great but you know what when i want to go out at 11 o'clock at night there's so much happening and this town is dead at 11 o'clock yeah but you can also walk i can that's a big thing for me that's a really big part of it and uh and i live in brooklyn and it's dense but not crazy manhattan dense right and the sense of community there is so fucking bad i don't know really oh it's great yeah i mean we unlike anything i've experienced i've lived all over the place and the sense of community there is is really they're they're proud you know there's a there's a pride to being in brooklyn and every all the neighbors know each other we all help each other uh and i live on a fucking you know main street and uh you know i got a brownstone which is a dream of mine wow yeah so you know i've lived all over the place and i've lived all over the that makes a difference i don't live in a building right um but being a as i'm sure you know being a homeowner is like god there's so much fucking shit and i i'm a rich person complaining but right just every day there's a new fucking thing that you got to take care of you have to take care of it or it's not going to get taken care of and um but i love i mean i'm i'm so happy there and my kid is happy and she goes to a very diverse school public school it's actually good it's good it's probably good it probably put another good person in the world i think decent person who's you know and tolerant when you say diverse you're referring to diversity of thought i don't know they're in fucking third grade bill well you could indoctrinate people at any age um but you're saying you know but diversity she's indoctrinated into uh liking all of them all people good that's a good thing okay but but you know there is also diversity of thought that is certainly has been lacking in some parts of our educational system yeah i don't uh i don't see that i mean she's she's in she's doing she's learning division but i'm talking about college you know i mean thomas soul who's a great okay writer african-american so we know what we can believe what he says and he said shift next time you talk about diversity at american universities um ask about how many republicans there are in the sociology department and i'm not a republican i'm just saying anything that's just all one team it's not good you need to hear it that other side you need you need to be checked people need to be checked they'll be uh including your little girl okay she needs to be checked i don't know what that bitch fuck that little bitch with her black friends and trans friends and not even understanding she doesn't know wait she has trans friends in third grade yeah yep okay see they know their trends in third grade i knew uh one of her friends i knew when uh he was a girl how old uh i think just turned nine and uh and is just the coolest kid uh i don't you know i i think girl girl a boy uh girl the boy um girl the boy okay and she has another very close friend who's not in this school but uh who's uh boy to girl at three three years old boy you know i mean i i knew somebody who who said to me i'm actually more than one person who said to me uh a woman said you know uh i was what they called a tomboy who was alive that now and an act of the way i did then that's what they would have done to me well nobody's doing this to her she well i don't know i mean literally nobody is doing this how old uh she is or he is uh either eight or i think nine okay then somebody is doing something because eight or nine year olds no you know what they're doing can't do anything on their own no they're they're bought they're buying them boys clothes well then they're doing it and they're doing it something they're doing sure yes you're right they're buying them boys and telling them you're a boy now no no they're not telling them they're just agreeing with they're like going they're agreeing with an eight-year-old because yeah because when is that when is their judgment ever been off at eight you know you know you knew you weren't gay right that's yeah that's not different it is different no it isn't it's okay good luck with president vance because as i always say we voted for the same person you're just why she lost and that's this is a case of that wait what we voted for the same person right you're just why she lost because America hears this and they're going to go Bill's right eight-year-olds can't really make decisions on their own like this that's what most people are going to say and this is where the Democrats are with David Cross living in Brooklyn uh with mandami loving and this is why you know we're going to vote for JD events and that's and that's that's I don't I don't think it's American in a nutshell I don't uh doesn't mean I don't love you no I just I disagree with you I know it's okay yeah um I I know it's okay um I'm sorry I'm aware um I I just want to uh impress upon you that the um parents of of the uh a couple of kids I'm talking about are not doing anything if you if you are saying that buying that when they say I want I want you know a boy's pants as opposed to a skirt you're saying that's doing something I think that's well the whole I mean it's not just the pants it's just accepting that the kid the kid has you know okay maybe it's not anything to do with social contagion or the kid just knows right away at the age of whatever he's in the wrong body one of them was three one of them was three three well sure three three year olds who can't believe a three-year-old it's not about believing them I mean but kids are confused and they hear there's a lot of talk there's no confusion she wasn't in school yet she was three well I'm sure she hears things around the home I'm sure I'm sure they're okay well what you know what I'm saying is when I was a kid we were too far the other way we never heard about any of this they should have this they should have said you know what most people are men or women but not everybody and if you're not one of those two things that's okay there are i totally agree with that okay i know i know i'm not i know that wasn't the point i know the point is point was this is the way they should have done it when i was a kid they went too far in this one direction of just boys and girls who never introduced the concept that it could be something else and they were wrong they should have what are you going to tell three could i just finish yes sorry just they should have they should have included this because but this is back in the day and they were too far that way now they've gone too far the other way and they have in many places introduced this concept so overwhelmingly that they have put the idea in kids heads who probably wouldn't have thought about it otherwise or who just didn't know what kind of phase they were going through again girls were tomboys and etc and every other country in the world is just a lot more careful than we are about just immediately going okay that's it switch bodies you're this now and it's just not going to look good in the future it just really isn't it's my view but we have to cut it there i have a word you gotta pee i have a b and a word from del monte but i do want to pick this up with you um and i appreciate you willing to talk to me about this because some like of the woke they won't even talk to me which is again if you won't talk to somebody who voted for the same person as you that's wrong you you gotta you know me enough to know i will talk about anything i appreciate that and i appreciate you know this and having this opportunity and you know who knew who knew we were going to get in the trans beef um i don't want beef with you no i've been too big a fan for too long i know same here i mean it's all all good all right i don't need any more beefs i have so many beefs and i'm i'm the nicest guy in the world fan duel is now available everywhere in the u.s so you can get in on the sports action no matter where you are including these places make this your most rewarding season ever with fan duel age and location restrictions apply product availability varies by market see fanduel.com for eligibility gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER this episode is brought to you by chat gpt hey it's bill simmons from the bill simmons podcast have you guys heard about chat gpt work it's the new way to use chat gpt for bigger multi-step projects and when you need more than just answers give chat gpt work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets slides and structured reports get started at chat gpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans hank joined bj's wholesale club the day he became a father of 30 i coach football now coach hank saves up to 25 off grocery store prices 30 pounds of pasta three cases of protein bars 75 sports drinks and that's just pregame he knows teamwork and bj's knows savings this is your home coach home of the save join for just 20 at bj's.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save